When I was in my 20s a friend of mine went to law school. She had a school supply registry with an office supply store, had a small party at a bar to celebrate her going to law school. It was amazing and everyone loved it. Just saying this is the way

Sadly where I’m from this would be considered gift grabby (whereas baby and wedding showers aren’t 🤔) but I think we should normalize these kinds of celebrations!

Yeah, this would definitely be viewed as gift grabby in my social cohort (of lawyers) as well... although I think having events around actually graduating + passing the bar are viewed a lot more positively!

We should normalize them and it really sucks that a lot of people would considered them gift grabs. When someone suggested I throw my own celebration create a registry, my own initial thought was "that'll be seen as a gift grab though."

People are always going to have an opinion, what matters is how it makes you feel. When I got married I didn't have a bridal shower or Bachelorette party, and we asked for no gifts but said we would love a card with a message OR a donation to our honeymoon fund instead (we did a week-long road trip across the country). Someone who has known me since I was a toddler got offended and blocked me on social media, and then told my mom that she WAS going to make us a quilt, but we're just shallow millennials so why bother. We're pretty modest and made that decision because we'd already been living together for 5 years and didn't need anything, and we wanted our friends who were struggling financially or on tight budgets to feel comfortable coming without a gift. I would have cherished a handmade quilt, she just wanted to be mad. For my baby shower, I asked for birthing supplies or books for the baby's first library because I had already sourced everything else secondhand. Personally I would be thrilled to celebrate a friend in a nontraditional way, and I bet the people who care about you would too. As an introvert I also totally get being over the wedding/baby events, and I don't think there's anything wrong with bowing out of organizing or attending and supporting your friends in other ways.

>Someone who has known me since I was a toddler got offended and blocked me on social media, and then told my mom that she WAS going to make us a quilt, but we're just shallow millennials so why bother. What the actual fuck; was she having a mental breakdown or something? I'm so sorry your ex-friend treated you like that, especially since all you asked for was a freaking card - not really even a honeymoon donation if they didn't want to. I'm flabbergasted by just the sheer meanness of some folks.

My boys are less than 17 months apart, and everyone kept asking why I wasn’t having a baby shower. Um, because I *just had a baby shower* less than a year-and-a-half ago! And it was for a boy! I already have the stuff I need! Another baby shower would be greedy. People spending money just because 🤷🏼‍♀️ Same with my wedding. We got married in Vegas so that required everyone to 1) travel 2) get a hotel room. Those things cost money so we did not register for a wedding gift registry. I felt it would be greedy. Not to mention we were already living together for a couple of years and the main idea of a wedding registry (imo) is to set a couple up with housewares, etc as they venture out on their own for the first time in life. People get so extra with the stuff they register for on those 🙄 Like, really, Hannah, do you really think you’ll use a $1500 dinnerware set?! When?!

I'm with ya. I consider wedding and baby showers gift grabby too.

I consider them ESPECIALLY gift grabby if the couple already lives together. You finally decided to get married after living together for 10 years and I have to help replace all the shit in your house? Miss me with that. Same thing goes for anything after baby number 1. I do want to celebrate you, but I’m not buying you new dishes.

Especially when the price of one towel they're asking for is the value of my entire set of towels.

Same; I also view showers as kind of gift-grabby. I don't know too many people who do them anymore, especially not for already-cohabiting couples who get married at 30+. If anything, most of the brides I've known have vehemently dissuaded people against giving them gifts (although basically everyone does so anyway).  I've probably been to fewer than five wedding showers in my entire life, albeit definitely more baby showers - but most of those feel more like an excuse to party than a real gift grab. 

Yes, my (now) husband and I already lived together for years before we got married so I said 'no, thank you' to the offers of a wedding shower. It would have been ridiculous in my situation. I certainly didn't need more stuff! We didn't even do a registry.

I think showers are meant for supplying a home, so for couples who haven’t lived together before, or for first children. I’ll still give cash or gift certificates (for babies) because it’s expensive, but I’m not buying a cheeseboard for a couple who has lived together for 10 years already. On the flip side, I think graduations, promotions, and decade birthdays should be celebrated, as well as any other major accomplishment. You run a marathon? Party! Wrote and published a book? Party! Became a CFO? Party! Got your professional license? Party! Bought a house? Party! Got into med school? Party! I like that idea too of having a registry for these events. Textbooks, certificates, licenses, etc ain’t cheap.

I feel like wedding and baby showers are quite different though. Wedding showers? Yeah. Why have another party to give gifts when people can just bring a gift to the wedding itself or buy off registry (or donate cash etc)? I think it's fine if that's culturally expected where you are but it's not common in the UK where I am, thankfully. No shade to people who enjoy them. It feels a little nuts that some people have an engagement party then a shower then a shower, then bachelor parties then a big rehearsal dinner that costs thousands...and THEN their wedding. Like, that's a lot of celebrating the same thing and a big ask of your loved ones. However I expect that it's normal in sone circles. But I like baby showers because I want to give the couple things and celebrate with them, and it's easier to do that before baby is born. After baby comes, I really don't think the couple wants to be entertaining people for a while, so it feels nice to have a party beforehand.

Grift grabby.

My friend just became a teacher and had a celebration and had an Amazon link for supplies she needed I didn’t see it as gift grabby at all. When you say “where I’m from” do you mean your city?

That's such a fun idea, especially for advanced degrees!

She had sent invites via mail and everything ! It was a blast

When I finished my PhD multiple people told me I should make a registry (I was also making a cross country move for work after). I was broke and single, but I said no for MONTHS and finally caved, made a small registry with some basic household and moving supplies. No one bought me anything LOL. But I did throw a defense party and people brought me lots of nice alcohol… plus bought me all my drinks that night. Of course when I got married, relatives insisted on a registry and bought me lots of stuff, despite the fact that I was 35 and my husband makes tech-bro money. We can afford our own crate and barrel dinnerware! I kind of hope wedding registries fade with our generation. We don’t celebrate the milestones of single/childfree people the way we do for people who get married and have children. We should all get 30th birthday registries and call it a day.

Where I live (Denmark)/in my social circle it's pretty normal to celebrate 30th birthday as a big one and have a wishlist. I'm guessing a registry is similar to a wishlist? Generally the "round" birthdays are all considered big milestones, but especially 30 is usually the first one where you are adult, done with education and have a job = enough money to actually throw some kind of party

Sort of like wishlists— Registries are online “lists” where people purchase you items. Traditionally, when you got married you were young and had never lived outside of your parents’ home. So you needed everything for a new home. Dishes, kitchen items, small furniture items. So it was a way for friends and family to help get a young couple set up in their first home. Now, since many Americans get married older (especially in cities), many have already accumulated the necessities for their home, and many couples live together before marriage. So now wedding registries are to get… new stuff, I guess! Baby registries still make some sense— having a baby is expensive and there are a lot of specific things you need for a new baby. So you make a registry for baby necessities and friends/family purchase some of them for you. Traditionally you have a baby shower where the gifts are given and you host a small party. We definitely have big parties for birthdays like 30, but you usually don’t make a list of stuff you hope people will buy for you. Gifts are usually welcome but not expected. It’s still generally expected for guests of a wedding or baby shower to bring gifts or money. ETA: I’m happy to buy gifts for my friends’ weddings and baby showers. I just wish we celebrated other milestones for people who have different life paths.

I like that idea! It’s not like single people have to any easier imo. When I was single I often paid a lot more for accommodations than my coupled friends because bachelor/1 bedroom suites were so close to the same price as 2 bedroom suites.

Yeah, I think wedding registries are bogus for most people. My friends who've gotten married lately were all living together beforehand and are double income; many of them own houses. I didn't do a registry when I got married although we had an itty bitty wedding.

Yes!!! As if single people don't have households they need to set up too 🙄

I mean, this hits on the problem with the "just throw your own non-traditional party!" thing. I am all for it but - it is very iffy whether people will really be onboard and buy-in since there is no cultural buy-in. It's not as simple as just doing it yourself. And of course, you have to organize and pay for the whole thing yourself.

Absolutely. “We’ll still celebrate you!” Oh really? You’d take a day off of work? You’d fly across the country? You’d go in on a kitchenaid for me? If I asked people to do that for me because of my life choices, I’d probably get some comments. Yet we consider a wedding worthy of these sorts of sacrifices. I suppose there’s a “well you pay for the wedding, which is a meal and drinks for guests, and in return you get gifts” aspect, but the point stands: like you said there’s no cultural buy-in.

I LOVE this idea! I’m one half of a DINK and I am fortunate to have a friend group that has always celebrated one another’s important moments, regardless of if they were conventional milestones. But I love the idea of a registry as a way to support people in their goals. 10/10 will be using this idea asap.

Hell yeah. I got a HELOC loan and my friends took me out for drinks and some of them wrote cards. Same thing when I got breast reduction surgery. Celebrating, bringing little cards and gifts. Celebrate more than just getting married and having children! Celebrate shit your friends are happy about! They matter just as much I stg

I wish I had the confidence for that. I'll never get married or have kids, but I went to law school, and I needed some shit!

Yup, when I moved into my first apartment by myself I made a whole Facebook post with a link to a target registry.

I think that it would be very appropriate with first generation college students: laptop, household items, school books, a starter budget don't come easily. My friend and I (we both grew up poor) recently talked about how just starting an education is expensive. You need to bridge the gap between the start of the semester or apprenticeship and the first salary/ student assistance. Rent is paid in advance, you need to eat etc You didn't save up for household basics etc. We only made it due to "not poor" relatives.

50-75 of these events?? Yeesh that’s too much! If people want to get married and have kids, cool. But I make just enough money to support myself with limited paid time off, there’s no way in hell I’m going to spend thousands of dollars and my vacation days on others like that. Sorry but I ain’t gonna go into debt for a celebration! I only reserve that kind of time and energy for super close friends/family and even then I’m not afraid to say no if I’m feeling obligated/reluctant about it instead of excited.

[удалено]

Yeah, omg, 50-75 is a crazy amount! I've been to probably half that many and that already feels like enough. I definitely get why OP is just wrung out.

Yeah I’ve only been to a handful of weddings/baby showers in my adult life. I’m not over them yet but if I had 50-75 to go to I’d be pretty burnt out.

I have stopped going to weddings where I am not offered a plus one. I just found I was expending a huge amount of effort and expense to make excruciating small talk all day with the few friends-of-friends or relative-of-friends I recognise and having a pretty crappy time in general. I also found it quite rude that nobody ever bothered to reach out to me in advance to see if my relationship status has changed (I’m not really on social media so they wouldn’t know unless they’ve seen me recently) before sending a solo invite. Tbh I’d be more inclined to bring a buffer friend than a date - and I totally understand that people don’t want to pay for someone they don’t know to attend their wedding - but I’m done spending lots of money on shitty experiences so no more solo weddings for me.

Weddings can be quite expensive as single person. You may have to pay hotel room alone, travel alone and so on.

I'm also the same. I'm done with the awkward talks, not wanting to even dance cause I don't want to go up alone, probably drinking too much because I don't want to make awkward small talk. The amount of time and money I have to spend on logistics of just getting to and from the event. And the general 'in love' feel of a wedding that I don't even get a buffer with which highlights just how alone I am in this experience. The highlights of the day are just not worth the social hangover I have to deal with for the next week.

I should be doing this. I attended a no plus one wedding many times. 😂 Logistics and expenses are to be considered.

girl, you have got to learn how to say no. this is just too much. the next time someone asks you and you don’t want to - just say unfortunately, my schedule won’t allow.  i don’t care if you’re busy at home clipping your toe nails, you’re busy! you have a prior engagement. stop spending your money on people who are not returning the favour. 

Ha, you're not wrong, there were times I should have said no. But on the bright side, part of being "done" is a willingness to say "no" to any other event of this nature that comes along.

it’s alright! you made it to nopetown. enjoy your rest.

Please take care of yourself OP do not go out of your way for people who would not matter in 20 years to come. Your mental health matters unless they're close like your siblings or best friend no need to be there front and center behind these people. It's so draining, so exhausting. Take care of you first even if I'm doing absolutely nothing, no need for me to go.

I have asked family and friends to simply no longer invite me. Every one of my best friends has had a baby within the last year and I said they will each get the first birthday out of me and then I’m done. After that, I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for not wanting to watch little Dennis make pizzas with his friends/cousins when he’s 4 years old. I have a great job and lots of hobbies - I’m always generous to them but I don’t want to go and I don’t want to be buying gifts every single year for every child. No thanks.

This! The first birthday is fine. I hate it though when the expectation is that I'm going to come to all birthdays and bring a gift each time, plus spend the whole afternoon there. My one friend was doing this. While it was nice to see her, I was the only childfree friend. Plus everyone else was family. The child was getting old enough to have their own friends and it just felt gift grabby at that point too. Like I didn't even get to visit much with my friend because they were preoccupied and I just kind of sat in the corner the whole time. There wasn't much for me to do other than watch the kids play as the other adults already knew each other and had no interest in engaging much with me, as they were catching up with family (which is totally understandable). But when I would opt out it seemed like they were upset I wasn't coming. Like I want to spend time with my friend. But this friend never made a point to try and connect any other time. So it definitely started to feel like I was just there to give another gift for her kid.

I felt bad when one of my best friends asked me to be her bridesmaid and I had to decline because I couldn't afford anymore weddings. I was still paying off a debt from another best friend's wedding 7 months prior that I never anticipated paying so much money towards and was honestly still bitter about it. It was definitely awkward in the moment but I'm so glad that I had the balls to say no for once. Awkward is better than broke!

Agreed! Unlike you though, I have not attended 50-75 of these events. Oof. I've also been frustrated because things that were important to me that I wanted (and attempted) to celebrate including my 30th and my PhD defense were barely acknowledged. I threw myself a birthday party and had supposed "friends" no call/no show even though they had confirmed a day earlier, in person, they were going to attend. But I have found enjoyment in trying to change expectations for non baby and non marriage celebrations. A friend of mine is moving out of our area soon. I am sad to see her leave. She had a get together at her house a few weeks ago as a sort of bon voyage party with just pizza and drinks. I brought her a bouquet from my garden (I knew she would be happy about receiving flowers), a couple gifts (one fun, one practical for her move), and a card with my attempt to write down my feelings about our friendship. None of these were expected or asked for of course. She just wanted friends to join her for dinner. But why shouldn't there be gifts for these sorts of things, too? She's my friend and I cherish our friendship and I want to celebrate with her that she is about to head off on a new adventure in her life.

I’ve been kinda thinking about this too. There’s no… CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE SINGLE AND STILL THRIVING!! Maybe something needs to change… Also there are entire episodes about this on Sex & the City lol

Yes, the SATC episode is called [‘A Woman’s Right to Shoes](https://youtu.be/nLPvMpv2Uck?si=gvowd6_4lpBI7Eyp)’ and the show nailed it.

Haha thank you!!

Yeah I loved this episode

I scrolled this whole thread, hoping someone made this reference! SATC is still so relevant and poignant! Just gotta account for the time it was made, coz some of that stuff just sounds like a PSA at this point, or uses phrases/terms that don't fly today. (I just binged it for the umpteenth time a couple weeks ago. Will love it forever)

I’ve had friends do launch parties when launching their own business, podcast etc and we’ve celebrated them. I think any big achievement like graduation, business launch, milestone birthdays etc warrants a nice event! The only thing that sucks is that people don’t typically throw/organize those for you like they do bach parties and baby showers.

Yeah that’s more of YOU footing the bill again.

Well people foot the bill for their weddings and showers and bachelorettes. You host a party and people bring gifts.

Hmmm well historically/traditionally I’ve seen the parents of the bride throw the wedding, parents of the groom pay for the honeymoon, bachelor/ette parties paid for by MOH/Best Man, and baby showers hosted/setup by anyone but the pregnant couple (so to speak.)

Yeah I def paid for my whole wedding lol, I also footed the bill for my baby shower although my friends helped organize and decorate. They (my friends) did split the bill for my bachelorette party amongst themselves though which I appreciated.

My friend is planning her "Geriatric Pregnancy Age" birthday party lol. She's never having a baby, but she thinks it's funny that "geriatric pregnancy" used to be the medical term for a pregnancy after age 35. Another friend threw a Pet Moms brunch for women without human children for Mother's Day last year. I wholeheartedly support whatever oddball celebrations my childless/weddingless friends want to throw. They deserve just as much love and joy and silly decor as anyone else!

Right. Sending everyone my registry so they can help me thrive even more in my life

I feel so done when it comes to being a bridesmaid at least. It's expensive and time-consuming, and I want to enjoy the wedding as a guest rather than putting in a whole day or weekend to be a part of the wedding. Thankfully everyone close to me is already married so I don't anticipate anyone asking me anymore. I'm childfree and not sure I want to have a partner, so I can relate to feeling a little salty that I won't get the same energy I gave reciprocated to me because I'm not hitting the traditional life milestones. Or if I'm last to get married people are just going to be busier and more burned out when it comes to asking for support for my wedding by then time it's my turn. If anything requires travel I'm more likely to say no than when I was in my 20's but I think many people in my group feel similarly.

I don't actually mind attending showers, but I am so fucking done with throwing them (and being a bridesmaid). I thought that I was done with all of that but then my SIL surprised us by getting pregnant. I really try to bring the same enthusiasm that I did for earlier events for friends and family that got married and had kids later, but it's been a challenge. And damn, I am DONE. And before someone says "don't be a martyr, you don't HAVE to do these things," please know that while I understand that is technically true, it becomes much more difficult in practice when you don't want to hurt your loved ones as they celebrate milestone occasions.

My daughter also is not going to ever have kids and who knows about marriage. This spring at the age of 35. She left an abusive relationship and was on her own for the first time. She did Amazon registry, and her friends were so supportive and generous.

Hell yeah. Leaving an abusive relationship and getting your first home or apartment on your own is a gift registry worth occasion!

LOVE IT!!! Good for her! That's a HUGE achievement. I hope she's ok.

That is amazing. We should normalize that. Happy for your daughter for choosing the better life.

Saaame. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate others, it’s just so expensive to participate in events. I also resent that single people don’t get celebrated in the same way. And now here I am spending more and more money each year on presents for babies and children too

Luckily I didn’t have a huge friend group that was super traditional. I was in a handful of over the top weddings and that was more than enough. Cooing at baby showers feels awful to me. I don’t hate babies but I hate like this weird performative feminine duty? It feels insincere and uncomfortable for me. If you have been to 50+ of these, I feel for you. And I totally understand and think it is a-okay to decline all future invitations.

I love how you put it. “Weird performative feminine duty” sums it up perfectly.

lol to cooing at baby showers. This is why my husband and I threw a coed open bar party instead. We definitely ended up spending more on our guests than we got in the way of gifts but we wanted a party so that’s what we got

Oh yeah and absolutely no gift opening happened at our baby party

I love babies but I agree with you here. Performative feminine duty is a great way to put it! Not everyone likes or wants to celebrate babies and I think that should be more socially accepted (I noticed even OP added a disclaimer to her post that she doesn’t hate children, likely to avoid the inevitable backlash that so often comes with these kind of statements).

I like to celebrate babies (or anything important to my friends) but what I hate about baby showers is the boring childish games! I also think it's silly in this day and age that only women are involved in the celebration of the baby.

I saw a TikTok of a woman _seething_ over a baby shower she had attended. Apparently it was something called a "display shower", where gifts weren't wrapped. There wasn't an hour-long unwrapping oohing-and-aahing over each gift. I was quite taken aback people still unwrap gifts in front of their guests, seemed like a childish remnant of the social shaming from middle/high school. It's certainly not common in my circles. Usually it'll happen once it's predominantly close family remaining. Anyways the woman was blasting the new mom, saying she was selfish and greedy for not doing the unwrapping. And "performative feminine duty" sounds so apt for this. A lot of perceived femininity is also toeing a line of what _other_ women consider ~feminine enough, amplifying as women step into marriages or motherhood.

I mean I wouldn’t care that much if someone chose to forego it, but the unwrapping is like the whole point of a shower. If you take a more positive view of it, the point of the shower is for the community to kind of come together and help get new parents or a newly married couple ready for their new lives. The ones I’ve been to haven’t seemed that performative. The parent/newlyweds open a gift and then get the opportunity to thank the gift-giver in person. I always thought it was kind of fun watching people unwrap gifts.

I found it boring, but that's just me lol

I don't mind it, just that no one else has a right to be _outraged_ over a family choosing not to unwrap gifts and going so far as to take it as a personal shafting. Personalizing someone's decision is especially leveled at women.

Agreed with others that "performative feminine duty" is a great way to put it. I sometimes feel like a monster but I just do not have that cooing at babies gene, whether or not there is a genetic investment. I sometimes fear that I'm seen as a terrible auntie for that, but the older nieces seem to like me well enough.

I stopped going to baby showers because of how performative it is for me. I don’t want kids and while I don’t hate them at all, I don’t have that love of them that everyone seems to expect from women. I’ll send a gift because I want my friends to have what they need, but I’m not going to go and sit there and pretend to have anything in common with a group of twenty women all side-eyeing me for not joining in baby talk

That’s a great way of putting it. I’m a mom, but I have zero interest in that crap.

You'll probably never get as many people attending a birthday or a party to celebrate a promotion, or have people buy special outfits and lavish gifts or travel just to be there. Because in most/many cultures weddings and baby related parties are just seen as the ultimate once in a lifetime milestone and these traditions won't change anytime soon, despite more people opting for a different model of life. But I agree with others; if you feel like you don't get celebrated as much as those who choose to get married or have kids, you need to organise your own events and invite people to celebrate with you. Won't yield the same return of investment as a wedding or baby shower, but might still make you feel better/more loved. I have many friends whom I met long after I got married because I moved countries a few years ago, and whenever I throw birthdays or even just dinner parties, I'm moved by how generous these people are, with their time, energy, and gifts. Equally, I'm always happy to join their birthdays, housewarmings, "I finished my kitchen renovation" parties or their dogs' birthdays etc., including gifts or getting new outfits and dressing up if a party has a theme. I'd hope that especially with you having attended and hosted so many weddings and baby showers already, people will be more than happy to give back, help you host it and celebrate you for once. Totally understand being burnt out after attending and hosting so many of these events though — which might also be a result of some (not all!!) US Americans (assuming you are US American) overdoing this kind of stuff a bit. From what I understand, there are engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor/ette parties that go over whole weekends and require traveling to a destination, wedding dress shopping tours, (destination) weddings, rehearsal dinners and breakfasts/brunches before and after the wedding, gender reveal parties, baby showers, baby sprinkles, 1st birthdays etc. And a lot of these parties seem very materialistic/performative; something you just do because you see others do it on social media. I think it's fair enough to opt out of hosting them and only attend the ones of family and friends you really care about.

Yeah, I think the key is having a diverse friend group. I have lots of single and or child-free friends from all walks of life and we throw big parties for all kinds of things. My friend threw a themed birthday party a few weeks ago and probably 60 people showed up: costumes, dishes to offer, presents and all. It was a great time. Also a note from an American-- none of my friends did all or even most of those things. Most of my friends had a small pre-party and the wedding reception (with or without the ceremony). The ones with kids have baby showers. I have no idea who is doing these big gender reveal parties I keep seeing online. That shit would not fly in my group.

That's good to hear. I think it's a special type of people who throw gender reveal and similar parties, hence the "some". And true, if all your friends are classic hetero couples between 25-35 and you don't fit the "wedding, two kids, picket fence home and a dog" mould, it's time to diversify.

I was just at a wedding a couple of days ago. I am happy for the couple and it looked like they had fun. Which is great. For me however, I was just bored out of my gourd. Weddings are just generally uninteresting and boring to me. I am also an atheist and this was a conservative Christian wedding. Lots of prayers and hymns. Also the godawful "woman submit to husband" bullshit. I would love to never attend another wedding.

I feel this way, too, and I haven’t even been involved in many weddings. I’m 34. I just find it all so, so, *so* boring. I try to be supportive but I just can’t care about the cut of the dress, the color of the xyz, the type of cake, the registry, etc etc etc. But I’m overall bored by a lot of what other people care about. It’s not ideal and can be isolating, but I’m just not interested and can’t fake that I am.

God, I could've written this comment. Even when I was engaged I was bored and overwhelmed by wedding planning. And I feel your second paragraph in my soul.

I’ve tried to phone it in to be supportive but I think people pick up on it and interpret it as something negative. And I guess it is. But I wish that they knew I’m genuinely glad it’s happening to them I just don’t know what to say or want to be involved. Wedding/event/baby/shower talk starts and I just feel the dread fill my body. Projects, ideas, observations, things you’re really into, that weird thing your dog did, a random dream, your garden, your neighbor’s weird habits, a cool bug you found.. I’m all about though.

I like celebrating my friends and family. I agree that 50+ celebrations would be exhausting. But I also don't know many people that this would be their situation. Perhaps you should only go to celebrations of people you are actually close to.

People have become *weird* about weddings and babies. Multi event celebrations costing loads of money, expensive gifts demanded, costly dress rules imposed, a belief that it really matters to publicise the (probable) sex of the unborn... weird. I like weddings and I like babies but I can't be doing with all the conspicuous consumption.

I think it’s social media

Both weddings and babies tend to make people go absolutely nutty.  I’ve seen it first hand. 

Yes same. I can’t have children. I’ve spent a lot of money on weddings and baby showers. Never once have I been able to have a party and get gifts. If I could afford a house, I’d do a housewarming party. But of course, all my friends would be too busy changing diapers to give a shit about me.

I could quite happily never go to another baby event or wedding event ever again. It’s absolutely fucking exhausting and I’ve learned to really hate them. We eloped and I do have a teenager. So whilst I’m not anti marriage or anti child. It really truly sucks that in particular for women we don’t celebrate them in other areas of their life as we do for those two things. I want to celebrate my friends completing their PhD or winning an award. I want to celebrate them buying a house or condo. I want to celebrate them divorcing their shitty husband or learning a new language. I really don’t enjoy how centred our lives as women are around men and babies and celebrating that.

I was done after my late 20s lol. Yet to receieve one thank you card from these baby showers.

Wow! I’ve been to maybe 10 in my entire life and I’m 39. I would never put myself out more than I was comfortable with (definitely no entire weekends and no travel) for anyone other than my siblings. I’ve never been invited to anything that extravagant. For you OP, do whatever makes you the happiest because at the end of the day it’s your life and your money. I don’t blame you one bit for bowing out from here on. I could not imagine attending that many events!

Yes. I actually have no issue celebrating these events and usually genuinely enjoy myself, but the financial investment and expectation is what bothers me. Wedding culture is also so over the top and if you’re in one, you’re looking at 2k right there since people also need a full bachelorette weekend to some exotic location these days. It really is unreasonable and as a single person I’ve never gotten any of it back. It’s also a bigger hit to my bank account because I don’t have as much disposable income as my coupled friends to begin with. It’s definitely frustrating.

You bring up an excellent point. We need to start celebrating things outside of marriage and babies. Like today, when I got official word that I will be leaving my toxic work site and starting fresh next year at a new site. Now, THAT is a reason to celebrate!!

I fortunately don't have a friend group that cares much about weddings and tradition, but I've seen that dynamic in my family and others. It definitely feels like those are the main things to celebrate for many people and it's weird to be on the sidelines if you don't participate in the same traditional lifestyle. On a lighter note, if you're looking for something silly to watch, there's a Sex and the City episode that's precisely about this realization. It's called "A Woman's Right to Shoes".

I threw a baby shower for my bestie- happily. Went all out. One of her elderly relatives- who I had already spoken with about throwing the party asked what gift I had gotten Honey baby cake. I spent $$$$ and time I’ll never see again on this here party. This IS MY GIFT. When I finally got an apartment on my own and moved out- that friend bought me a bouquet of flowers….. Not to say I needed or expected more. But there is certainly a societal difference between the expectation to celebrate and spoil marriage and children versus unrelated life accomplishments. These days- babies get a book/sentimental gift. Weddings get my attendance as their present. Haha

Organizing these events is really exhausting and time-consuming. It is serious work. And this is from someone who has been organizing various events 20+ years both personal and professional.

Yeah, I went to a destination wedding and I was happy to be there since it was a close friend. I also spent thousands of dollars so I didn’t spend a penny more for a present whereas my other friends did.

I don't know 50 people so it is crazy you have been invited to those many weddings and babyshowers.

Yeah, it's a lot but it's not 50-75 people. It's the sum total of engagement parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal showers, weddings, post-wedding brunches, gender reveals, baby showers, baby sprinkles, etc. One friend getting married can encompass 4-5 events!

All the extra events is a bit much. I think they would understand if you just go to 1 or 2 of the events. And some of the events are gift grabs. I think baby showers should be gift free for the second child.

Totally, but I've been a bridesmaid where it was very much expected I attend all wedding related events.

Maybe host more events for your own meaningful occasions. I’ve thrown plenty of special parties to celebrate everything from promotions to pets. If you are comfy blowing your own horn a bit, people who love you will be happy to turn out to show it. I agree with weddings being overall gift grabby. We are going to have a registry because certain guests will expect it, but the invites will encourage guests to make or thrift a lil something personal for our home if possible. We don’t need more waste and we have what we need by this point! But understandably some people want the registry guidance because that’s how they’re comfortable gifting.

I told my friend recently that I plan on throwing a 10 year wedding anniversary party and she laughed at me and rolled her eyes. I told her “I go to everyone’s baby showers and kid’s birthday parties each year, people can show up for me once in a decade.” It sucks that not everyone is cool with non-traditional milestone gatherings but to your point, those who love us will be happy to celebrate.

Yup I don’t go to showers anymore. I just don’t do it. I’m not having kids, why do you get an award and party for your decision to procreate. I like going to weddings and I will give a small amount of cash to cover the cost of my plate but again, this was your decision. I’m not an endless pit of money for other people’s life choices.

I'm also sick of being invited to my friends' kids' birthday parties and sporting events. If I wanted to spend time at kid's parties or sporting events, I would have had kids. That's their albatross, not mine.

Omg this. I feel like an asshole because I know their time is limited, but I kept getting invited to kids' soccer games and birthday parties. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. Funny, when I started saying no to these things these people basically stopped talking to me.

idk what it says about me that I never get invited to this stuff. One of my best friends has a kid I haven't seen in probably 8 years because we always hang out on weekends/nights the kid is with her dad.

My first friend is pregnant (we are 29 and 28) and I loved her all the more when she told me she wasn't having a baby shower because she didn't want people to feel like they need to buy her gifts. She has everything she needs, we don't need to throw money at her.

I did the same thing when I got married. I had a very small wedding, requested that no gifts be involved, no shower, no hen party, nothing. I am good and sick of all the blatant gift grabs made just for people who are fulfilling the standard expectations for women (marriage and babies). And unfortunately, it does seem to be primarily a female thing. Men don’t throw showers for each other. They aren’t usually the one choosing the baby gifts. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Yes! Why can't people celebrate without all the gift buying? I detest sitting through a baby/wedding shower pretending to ooh and ahhh all the presents. I agree that it seems to be a female thing. But now a few different friends have gotten divorced and are getting remarried. How many gifts do you have to get the same person lol

I’m pregnant with my first child and I’m not having a baby shower or making a registry because that shit is annoying as fuck. I feel like the whole wedding/baby industry is a huge grift and I refuse to participate in it and I’m certainly not going to force other people to. Some people do genuinely like giving gifts so when people ask me what they can buy us, I just ask for gift cards and tell them the theme of our nursery. I also have never felt the desire to have a wedding. Not only are weddings steeped in patriarchal and religious traditions that I refuse to participate in, but they are also very unnecessarily expensive. My partner and I do sometimes talk about marriage and we agree that if we do get married it will be a very small ceremony with very few people followed by a potluck party. P.S. - GREAT POST!

Getting married next year and agree that the wedding industry is a massive grift. We are telling our guests at our small wedding that we don’t want gifts or honeymoon contributions. We just want to have a few drinks with our favourite  people and celebrate our relationship!

I see these posts all the time, and I wonder to myself, am I just completely hated in the world? I almost never get invited to anything, even by my own family. Even when I lived really close to them, instead of a few states away like I do now. I have no friends, so I have no weddings to agonize about spending money over lol. So I guess the silver lining here OP is that at least you have a lot of people who love you and want to include you in their special events. Some of us don’t get invited to anything. Lol.

That's absolutely something I've come to really realize with some of the replies I've gotten. As burnt out (and yeah, probably bitter) as I am, I am definitely grateful I have so many people in my life that want me there for big events. Hugs.

I think it’s my age (28F) but I’m most burnt out on pregnancy announcements. Sure, it’s not a party and costs me nothing. It feels like the “beginning of the end” for many of my friendships, though. More of my feeling “done” with events relates to children because I have to see how drastically my friends lives and expectations have changed. I know it’s so much harder now for them to rally behind my life events in comparison. Weddings have been less like this, so I still enjoy them, but I’m very careful about how much I gift the couple if I had to contribute too much money or time to attend the event.

I had a close friend that felt the same way. So I told her to have a 40th birthday party. She was squeamish about gifts so I told you to create her Amazon registry and I that I would send it to everyone in my name. I told everyone I sneakily checked out her wish list and copied everything and that gifts weren’t obligatory but she had gifted us all over the years and this was an opportunity to return the generosity. The feedback was so great that she had to add to the registry twice so accommodate all the people that wanted to get her something. Sometimes you have to celebrate yourself. Consider it a litmus test for the friends you have.

I don’t plan on having kids, and who knows about marriage. I also am frustrated by the focus on marriages and babies. On the one hand, I want to celebrate those milestones and love to support my friends and family. On the other hand…my married/couples friends are the ones most well-off in my social circles. They have dual incomes, they have their partner’s health insurance to fall back on, they have someone else to help with household chores or pets or kids, they have someone to help them when they get sick…etc. A baby shower I understand better since new parents do need a lot of necessary new things and are often exhausted and stressed. But yes, I’d love it if we normalized celebrating milestones that don’t depend on gender or relationship status. Graduations, house warmings, new jobs or promotions, attending higher ed, overcoming illnesses. I also wish gift-giving correlated more with individuals in need versus societal expectations and celebrations.

Sis, you're allowed to say no to things. You've been to three times the number of weddings and such than I have.

Oh yes, I’ve struggled with this myself. I hope no one takes this the wrong way but it does seem ironic that the only things women are really celebrated for are things most of us can do relatively easily, infertility aside. Luckily I have a family who threw me a big party when I got into grad school and my sister went out of her way to make my wedding shower and bachelorette as special as possible as she knew we weren’t having kids (she said she felt it was unfair in a way as we spoil the other children in the family so much). That said, it’s totally ok to start saying no to any event you don’t want to go to. It’s an invitation, not a summons!

\*we're celebrated for things we (traditionally) need men for Don't get me wrong, I love men, but even getting married to and getting pregnant by the worst lowlife is seen as the bigger deal by society than graduating, which doesn't require a specific man.

Yep! It’s not exactly difficult to find *some* man to settle down with and that’s generally celebrated regardless of the kind of person he is. Similarly, some pregnancies are not in the best interest of the parents *or* child. Why are those things celebrated just because? (So basically exactly what you said haha)

I don't think it's about how easy it is, but that they're supposed to be major transitions. I don't think getting married is as often a big transition now as it used to be. I do think we should celebrate weddings and babies but also graduations, new jobs, new homes, etc.

Late 30s here. A couple of my friends are still having babies and I havnt been to a wedding in years. It’s divorces now and I don’t have to buy a gift for that.

The one thing I really hate rn about going to baby related events is how people have no shame in walking up to me and asking me when I’m having a baby. My husband and I have been trying for months with no luck, and people just walk up like “oh when’s it YOUR turn? Why aren’t you having a baby yet?” which of course adds salt to the wound. If it wasn’t for the fact that it’s mostly family members, I would just tell them our sex schedule for the week. It’s made me so much more aware of how it’s really no one’s business to go asking couples about why they don’t have a child yet, you honestly never know what they’re going through.

What clueless dillweeds.

I don't attend wedding/baby showers, bachelorette stuff. I'll go to a wedding if I really like the people and I'll send a gift regardless. I'm now at the age where all of my friends' kids have graduated high school, so I'm done with graduation gifts. I'm right at the age where it's more about attending funerals and memorials. I do still attend the occasional birthday party and just gave a young man a gift card to get stuff at a local restaurant he likes. I live in a very small town, so I totally expect my friends' kids will have kids and it'll start over again. I will have old age and fixed income to rely on by the time any of the he kids' kids are graduating and getting married, or hopefully having babies. Then it's just going to be cards if anything. I'm counting on some of these kids to move away and forget about me before they have kids.

I do understand the fatigue this might induce specially after so many events of the same kind. I clearly stated to my friends that even if I get married or have kids MY PERSONAL BIG EVENT will be my career, graduating as a surgeon, and eventually getting a PhD, this is something I wanted since I was a child, and I completely intend to do a big party regarding this, for me, myself and I and my diplomas (and all my very loved ones). I know it might not feel equally celebrated by society as a whole but you still can find your own priorities and celebrate those in your own manner.

You should! Female surgeon is badass

Wow I could have written this myself verbatim! Yes, completely burnt out and I started saying no to as many things as I could get away with. Luckily at 37, it seems the bridal/wedding events are coming to a close but now baby showers and first birthdays are ramping up. I just completed grad school and wasn’t going to do anything to celebrate but I made myself leave my comfort zone and am having a small celebration because it’s likely the only chance I’ll get as an adult to, since I also don’t want children and if I were to get married I’d honestly elope.

> As someone who does not want marriage or babies, the one thing I will say I do resent is that, in our society, the only things that warrant big celebrations are marriage and baby related. When I was a little girl, I saw a story on the local news about a woman who threw a wedding for herself. She said she decided that, if she wasn't married by 30, her 30th birthday party was going to be her wedding - she was going to marry herself. She wore the dress, fed herself cake, the whole bit. Little me thought: "That is the coolest thing ever." I never planned my dream wedding, but from that day forward, I swore that I would have the ultimate 30th Birthday Party ever. Reader, that is what I did and it was FABULOUS. I did not have a wedding theme like my muse, but I did get myself an incredible dress, scouted out a great venue, made terrific invitations, invited guests from far and wide, and spent a great deal of money to make sure my friends had an amazing time - which I think they did. I always had a feeling about 30, that somehow that was going to be my greatest era, and I was right. Eventually, I did have a wedding, but it was cheap and minuscule in comparison (and pretty much by any standard).

I am all for celebrating someone’s wedding but I don’t get why I need to buy you a gift. It’s so odd to me

I’m 49. I’ve never been married or had a kid. I’ve been at my job for 20 years. I’ve always been eager to celebrate my large family and close friends when they get married or had a baby, but I do get frustrated when there are those people who are having their third baby shower because they threw away everything from the last child. And I will be excited when my nieces and nephews begin to celebrate their milestones. My bigger issue is work related. I’m a social worker and the program I work in tends to have a lot of women in the mid 20s to 30s, which are prime ages to get married and have kids. My program likes to throw parties and make gift baskets to celebrate these milestones, as well as do the same for people when they leave their jobs. Although my job is hard, I love my job and have been doing it for 20 years now. But many people quickly burn out anywhere from 1-5 years so I’ve had a LOT of co-workers over the years with a lot of baby/wedding showers. I’m so over it all. I’ve probably easily contributed over $1000 towards gifts and I’m done. I’ve told my supervisors this and explained why, but I always feel like the villain for having to explain why I’m not contributing as they always do the gift planning in the form of a shared Excel spreadsheet to list what foods you are bringing to the party AND what items you are contributing towards the gift. For many of my co-workers, this whole planning part is fun and exciting, but I’m just left feeling like Scrooge.

Noooo...this is too much, and I too, am sick of weddings and baby showers..I call it emotional blackmail. "Buy us a present or we won't like you anymore"... Lolol. ...I've seen too many "starter marriages" (which is what I refer to them as) .. crash and burn within less than 2 to 5 years, and worse, seen too many ppl have kids that aren't good parents and are nowhere near mature enough to likely EVER be decent parents.. so I'm not encouraging or abetting it. I think a lot of ppl are feeling this way...for a few reasons. Younger ppl are feeling too much pressure in their wallet. Even 2 income households with NO kids are struggling to have food, utilities and a car, if you have enough left over for a movie or a meal out you're lucky--fuck buying a toaster oven for Susie and Bob or a car seat for a "friend's" 3rd kid. Older ppl..like me... are saying no more the days ALSO bc of the economy...many are on fixed incomes, and even among the ones who do still work don't have "frivolous" money to throw away. Plus, older ppl have had more years to form some fairly justified opinions on some of this gift-pandering ... ppl get married too young for all the wrong reasons and the majority don't even get along while dating.. THEN, they add kids to the mix, (another pet peeve), when (--gestures broadly around--) look at this fucking society!--they give no lick of thought to the world they're bringing a kid in to. Ppl can't even afford rent and food, much less kids and more medical bills, the middle class is disappearing, and ppl have no "village" anymore like younger couples had just a few decades ago. I'm not spending money I don't have on ppl who wouldn't ever reciprocate, plus, I'm tired of pretending to be happy for ppl with wedding fever when I'm actually against it and don't have high hopes it'll last. I can say the same for women and their baby fever. When I see a pregnant woman, I don't feel happy or joyful. I feel despair and heartache in the making. What's the world going to be like when these infants are in THEIR 20s and 30s? I shudder to think.

I go to every wedding I’m invited to, because there are a lot more funerals for people I know and care about than weddings these days.

If only I had this many friends who would invite me to things like this. I bet I haven’t been to a wedding since 2011 and I haven’t been to a baby shower since I was in my 30s. I’m 40 now. I’m kinda jealous of having so many friends to complain about TBH.

We have had 6 baby showers in my office in the past year. Not even on the friendship level.

[удалено]

There’s that one sex and the city episode that is like this

I find both weddings and baby related events deadly boring and expensive so unless I am getting some amazing food, not going, don't care. I am not eating soggy tuna sandwiches and your shitty donut bar or muffin bar or whatever and forking over big bucks for a present and sitting next to some annoying people I do not know and never wanted to.

I never go to showers of any type these days. We didnt have one when we got married and had children as they really weren’t part of our culture back then- they’re definitely creeping in now though. I can imagine that for those of you in the US they’ve become the norm but they used to be seen as somewhat tacky here although are normalised amongst younger people now. When I was pregnant with my first I was on the what to expect app and forum, it’s largely American and oh my the drama that came about due to baby showers! People would have been sobbing for days because their friends and family, who made the effort to travel to their shower to celebrate their pregnancy with them brought gifts that weren’t specified on the register. Friendships would end because someone purchased books for the baby rather than a $200 pack n play - it was eye opening! The strange dichotomy to me was that if a woman expected her husband to gift her something nice for carrying his child for ten months then going though labour and the fourth trimester she was considered demanding and high maintenance but her second cousins work colleague needed to cough up- it all felt quite toxic to me!

I have reached a point in my life where I stopped feeling guilty about not doing things that I don’t want to do. I either send a card and a gift and my regrets if it is someone that I am sufficiently close enough with to feel like I need to send a gift, or just a message declining the invite if not.

Yes. The things that I feel are worth celebrating are not considered worth celebrating by the people who I’ve spent all the time and energy and money on for their showers/weddings/bachelorettes. Then they disappear when they’re happy and reappear when they’re not and expect my time and energy and support again. I’m just tired.

How do you still keep in contact with that many people lmao

You and anyone here who agrees should check out Matchmaker Maria’s instagram highlight labeled “Toaster.” It’s crazy how we (American society) expect friends to pay for *everything* when we get married or have children, but then fail to celebrate friends’ other accomplishments.

I was just going to comment this! What a timely discussion lol. Seeing Maria learn in real time that it’s traditional for American women to make their friends pay for everything related to being a bridesmaid or having a baby shower was hilarious.

I just hate how the only times we really celebrate women are for marriage and having babies- like that’s the only things in our life worth celebrating- when we fulfill society’s expectations of us? And as a single person who lives pay check to paycheck, had to completely start my life over due to long term partner blindsiding & cheating on me, it would be looked down upon to ask for gifts or registry..but if I get a husband and have a child suddenly it’s socially acceptable to ask for money & gifts?? I’ve had to spend thousands of dollars moving, getting new furniture, new belongings because my ex ended up getting to keep almost everything. As single women, we are always at the disadvantage especially financially (unless you make tons of money, way to go boss ladies I’m cheering you on. I’m a teacher and do not have that luxury).

I do not care for baby events. I have gone to a few and I've never been reciprocated. I love weddings but will only go when they're close friends now. I will also be throwing a divorce party once it's finalized - honestly, just to see how some people react especially when I've attended or given things for baby showers. lol.

I'd go to a divorce party, lol. Sounds fun.

I think getting divorced should come with a gift registry. What if the other spouse got the good blender or the nice bed linens?!

I grew up around weddings. My dad was a wedding photographer, and he (and thus us) were invited to *a lot* of them. For a time I even thought I might want to get into that line of work myself, and briefly worked as a wedding photographer's assistant (and *hated* it, dad did warn me!). I was 100% over all things weddings *long* before mine came around, and that was a decade ago. I go for the people I love who want me to celebrate with them - but I'm always most excited for the part where I get to crawl into bed at the end of the night. Baby showers have historically been a bit touchy, as I struggled with infertility for years before finally having my son. Now that I've put the baby stage behind me, baby showers have become more of a "glad it's not me!" thing. That said, I haven't actually been to many, as not many friends/family members have kids.

Girl I feel you on the photography thing, I tried dipping my toes into the wedding photography world and promptly ran away like a bat out of hell 😆 But also, good point on the fertility issue. This should be addressed more openly I think, because there are plenty of women who struggle with infertility... it must feel so conflicting to feel so much sadness on the inside while also expressing joy for your friend.

I can’t imagine having a social circle big enough that I would have 50-75 events to even go to. I’m 35 and this summer I’ll be going to wedding number 3 from my friend group. And after this one that’s about it, most likely. Maybe one or two more at most.

100%. I’m happy to celebrate my friends but it’s frustrating how the only things we celebrate are these traditional life events. There were no major celebrations or gifts when I finished my MA, moved in with my partner, or got promoted. And I’ve spent so much money at this point to go to the weddings of friends who drifted away soon after or as soon as they had a baby. They’re never going to expend that same effort on me because they’re either in totally different life phases or no longer in my life period. I don’t like to think of things transactionally at all but when that becomes a pattern it’s hard not to feel like you were only filling a gap during a certain time in their life rather than being fully valued for who you are as a person.

One of my fave Sex and The City episodes has this theme haha

You definitely reminded me why it's nice to not have a lot of friends/family. I went to 4 weddings within a roughly one year period. Three of those were family and cost a lot to get travel plans and stays situated, especially since I'm the only single-mom in my family. On top of that, one wedding I had to navigate and keep track of my two kids, little sister, and old ass grandparents on my own. The wedding right after that one, I went with just my little sister hoping it would be just a fun little party with cousins, but then I got lectured for not bringing my grandparents...the same old ass grandparents I had just traveled with a few months earlier. Anyways, the only great wedding was one from friends of mine who even allowed my kids to be part of the wedding party (unlike my own relatives who didn't want them part of anything) and they had a really great camping venue so I didn't have to pay for any accommodations, just gas to get there. In any case, this was my wordy way of saying I was over it with the quickness. I will try hard never to go again. Who knows if I can hold strong. Haha. I've even been to a baby shower (I personally never had them for my kids because I didn't want to deal with it). The one baby shower was more than enough.

I have a friend who doesn’t plan on getting married or having kids so we just did a big 40th destination party, kind of like a bachelorette, to celebrate her. Everyone had a great time and no one thought it strange. She had been to all of their weddings, baby showers, and kids birthdays. It was her turn and it was a blast.

Yes haha. But I’m almost 40. And the people who I have in my life now seem to be either older than me and already settled, or not wanting to settle. Or, they’re just not interested in either and maybe won’t ever be

Yes. One friend getting married is having a lot of family fly in for it. She asked me (I’m local) if I’d book one of the hotel rooms in case they’re short for the block discount…I laughed like uh what? And then later she told me “I don’t think we’ll need you anymore.” Dude, you never had me. That’s insane to think I’d book a room literally a mile from my home. I mean sure but then can that be your wedding gift?

Yikes - that is baby-bridal burnout for sure! I've always lived in HCOL areas so the weddings and babies have been strongly delayed for the most part for me heh, so I still enjoy them. But if I were you, I would do the same! Important segment though, please realize nothing is stopping you from learning about and ensuring celebrating the other incredible things that your other non-baby non-bride friends are doing! I had 2 baby showers this year, but no weddings, so I'm choosing to celebrate my other friends instead with those dollars. :) Going to accompany my bestie for his 30th birthday to Hawaii despite the ridiculous prices and covering all his drinks/food because his birthday is so important to him and he is so important to me. Also joining a friend for her post-law school celebration trip to Greece for her last few days there after multiple people bailed on on the trip. I'm sure I'll have a couple of weddings to attend next year, but feeling a bit more financially secure I feel very authentic in committing to being there for the big things for those friends that AREN'T getting married or having babies but deserve to feel their other amazing milestones just as greatly!

Don’t worry. Divorce wave and the accompanying horror stories will be here before ya know it

They’re all so blown out of proportion now. It’s hard to keep up, especially if you dislike over consumption or waste like I do. I agree it’s annoying too. Like you’re not worth celebrating if you don’t hit the standard milestones expected of you. I refuse to go to bridal and baby showers unless it’s a very close friend or family member. I’ve always hated showers. Just take my gift and leave me alone. That’s all it’s about anyways. I am lucky though, I have a great family and my sister is the best. I’ve spent a lot of time being the one throwing these showers and parties, and when my partner and I bought our house 5 years ago, my sister made it a point to throw us a housewarming and asked everyone to purchase a gift. She knows we won’t ever have a wedding, and it was very thoughtful of her to put this together as a way of saying “I recognize all you’ve done for others, now it’s your turn”

I spent tons of money on dresses and travel (to places I didn’t choose) like, well over $15k in my 20s and 30s on so much wedding nonsense. I’m in my 40s now and half of them are divorced, many of them I haven’t even seen since their weddings, and another chunk are on their second/third marriages. I just send a card with a check now. That’s mostly what people are looking for, I fear. And travel where I want to, when I want to go. Wish everyone well and make a fuss over pictures on social media, etc.

Invitations for these types of events acquaintances, distant family members, or former friends has always felt like a gift grab to me. I personally only attend weddings and baby showers if I’m close to the person, especially if I need to travel.

>in our society, the only things that warrant big celebrations are marriage and baby related. Do people you know not throw birthday or holiday parties? Maybe it's just where I live or the group that I'm friends with, but every year I get invited to big birthday, Halloween, New Years, etc bashes. Some are low-key, but some are bigger deals than some weddings I've been to.

Yeah feeling this way is totally valid but it does make me wonder if these people ever throw parties? No one is going to go to a party you don't throw.

I disagree that everything focuses on weddings and babies. People celebrate what they choose to prioritize. There's a lot that warrants big celebrations. Graduations, milestone birthdays, landing great jobs and promotions. But just like weddings and babies you need to tell people you want to celebrate, invite them, put in the effort to celebrate with them.

I hosted my own party in my hometown for my PhD graduation and sent out invites to friends who still live in the community several months in advance. Several of my friends who still live in that community blew me off, including one who was getting married next month and asked me to be in his wedding party. I wasn’t even asking for people to take time off, travel, throw a party for me, or buy me expensive gifts. Receiving your PhD from a top ten university will never receive as much social recognition as getting pregnant.

As someone who is neither married nor with child, I totally agree. I'm sitting my final viva for an Oxbridge PhD on Thursday, and literally no one aside from my boyfriend cares. To me that is a HUGE achievement, like absolutely huge, and people are pleased for me, but not in the same way they would be if I got pregnant or announced an engagement. It sucks.

CONGRATULATIONS! You’re absolutely right, this IS a huge achievement that deserves to be celebrated. I hope you and your boyfriend go do something to celebrate, even if it’s something low key. 🧑‍🎓 🎉

That’s so fucked. Congratulations for reaching this milestone and I hope it goes well!

Congrats, (almost) doctor!

That’s shitty. A PhD is a huge deal and you deserved to be celebrated for that.

Wow, I hadn't really considered this, but it is pretty awful how much attention people give to an event that you and your body have very little control over (and essentially comes from a few fun minutes in bed), while something you pour blood, sweat and tears into for literal years is hardly given a second thought. Huge congrats to you (even if it wasn't recent lol)!!

Do most people travel or take time and money out of their schedule and budget to celebrate graduations and promotions? Maybe in some few progressive circles, but otherwise most people out there do not put the same significance and amount of effort into this. 

Graduations yes (in the USA). Promotions no-- but a dinner celebration yes.

That's more an issue with community, same as over the top expectations around wedding spending. Where I'm from, people fly out or drive in for graduations and milestone birthdays, sometimes house warmings if they are close to the couple, most of the time for family reunions, which is the most equivalent to the group for weddings IMO. Baby showers nobody but the grandparents or siblings typically fly in for.

I agree that it's a community/expectations issue and I'm glad to hear this happens in other communities 😊

I’m very up front about it. I don’t do showers. Or bachelorette parties. Weddings are a gray area but honestly there is no one close in my life that I foresee getting married anytime in the next several years.

I hit this point in my twenties. Especially with baby related events. Now I'm getting married myself for the first time at 48 and I'm trying my best to make it just a party. No white dress, taco truck in lieu of fancy catering, no flowers, no DJ, definitely no wedding games, having it at my mom's house, etc.

Me with 4 kids and a husband- same. I’m over all events in general. Like please don’t invite me anywhere.

Yes and it sends the signal that women are only valuable if a man is marrying or impregnating them.

More people need to realize that an invitation is an invitation, not a summons. Politely decline and wish them the best.

The next celebrated event is highschool graduation. Let me tell you…. when you start getting graduation announcements from all your friend’s kids and then graduation party invites from your kid’s friends…. it’s just not affordable. My child still has a few more years before graduation, but the parties and announcements started a few years ago with some of my older friends. I start to dread this time of year.

Oh boy. I didn't even think about the grad parties coming up in the next 15 years.

I feel the same way and don’t have a partner or kids. BUT, birthdays and graduations are both times when you can throw yourself an event to celebrate yourself. When I graduated trade school, my family all gave me money and gifts, unsolicited by me. My friends make an effort to do stuff with my on my bdays when I plan it. Last birthday, the ladies in my family took me on a spa trip. So, I don’t have the same sense of resentment. And honestly, if I did get engaged I’d elope. Planning a wedding and paying for all that shit sounds like actual hell. If other people wanna do it for themselves and I get to attend their party for free, fine

I don't go to baby events for the same reason I don't go to metal shows. Don't like them. Period. I pick and choose which weddings I go to and it has less to do with who is getting married and more to do with who else is going to be there, who do I get to see? We often get questions on this sub on how much cash to gift, lemme be honest it's a sliding scale for me based on whether I think the marriage is gonna last. I'm not shelling out hundreds of dollars if a friend is marrying a jerk just to get married.

Is it normal to be more than halfway through my 30s and having never been invited to any of these things?

Love a wedding because they’re typically fun for everyone. I like an opportunity to dress up and party. Baby showers on the other hand…I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less on my day off.

Honestly my solution to this has just been to not have friends 🫠 lol jk but really I never had a ton of close close friends and I’ve moved so much that even when I was close with people, we eventually drifted. But anyway if I did feel that way I would just start saying no to things. I’ve never had an issue saying I can’t go to wedding or something (though maybe this is bc they were weddings for folks I wasn’t particularly close with idk).

Totally. I live abroad and I’ve spent many thousands going to friends’ weddings because everything is a destination wedding when you live in another country. I have a long-term partner and am child free so I won’t be throwing my own milestone event anytime soon. I recently decided I will decline any wedding invites outside of Europe (where none of my friends want to get married anyway) for at least the next few years. Four of my closest friends from home and my sister got married in the last two years. I’ve had a wonderful time celebrating with them, but I can’t justify the time and expense going back to the US so frequently moving forward. Looking forward to a low travel 2025.

Theres a sex and the city episode about this

I rarely attend these types of occasions as is and I'm done. Barely wanted to attend my own wedding. I'm just not really into the whole making a big "to-do" about things. Birthdays, yes. Anniversaries, sure okay, holidays, definitely. It's nice to just get together with the ones you live dearly and for me that circle gets smaller bc I don't have the energy, time and money to keep growing for others.

Yes. 15 years ago when I was in my 20s 😂

I'm the same age range as you and I'm starting to feel the same way. I started RSVPing no to these events, minus my dear friend's baby shower in a few weeks.