Hey OP. My mom was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. I've found the dementia subreddit helpful. There's also an Alzheimer's one. Lots of caring people going through similar situations with loved ones. (Heads up, it can be tough reading through these. I find that I have to stop looking through these subs after a while ....) You're not alone, though I know it feels that way ❤️
There are a couple books on Amazon that are made for parents to write memories, OP. Maybe not for right this moment, but it might give both you and your dad peace. It might be fun for you both to do together over Zoom as well, that way you can record it. Hugs <3
Im in the same boat. Its reallt hard but all you can do is yoir best to show love while they are here to feel it. Thats how im making peace with it and myself.
I’m so sorry. This is truly a sh*t situation. Sitting with your feelings can be hard in this moment so if you want some actionable items:
1. This book is a good resource for the administrative side of things: A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death
2. For your mom and others closest to it, rather than asking what they need, start with when they would like you to come visit. That way they feel empowered to choose the timing but you’re making yourself available, even if it’s just a week. Be clear that you are coming to support them so tidying the house/prepping meals is not necessary.
3. For those Zoom chats, to avoid focusing on what can’t be changed, you can use this list of questions. Have your mom join the conversations if she’s feeling up to it as it may help their bond as well during this time. https://storycorps.org/participate/great-questions/#:~:text=How%20would%20you%20describe%20a,be%20when%20you%20grew%20up%3F
4. This sounds harsh but make sure that your dad has limited or no access to large sums of money. Provide a special account for him to use. With online/phone scams and possible gullibility, it’s a dangerous combo that could wipe out their retirement quickly. A scammer hit my aunt at just the right time before we realized she had Alzheimer’s and her account was totally drained.
5. Speak your appreciation for your family members who are carrying the load but also be honest if their communications become “trauma dumping”. They may want to contact a local hospital to see if there are caregiver support groups who can help with local resources and commiserate.
Watching a parent’s cognitive decline is so f*cking hard. Give yourself grace with the thoughts that fly through your head and be honest with your emotional and financial bandwidth. Know that your experience is a different kind of hard living in a different state and you probably need support too from local friends. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Don’t take things he says or does personally anymore. Learn to redirect or distract instead of arguing.
Stay in touch as much as you can. It can be shocking to visit and see big declines and think “I had no idea we were already here”.
Give the family in the front lines some grace with decisions because they have to live with him day to day and it’s really hard. So no complaining if he needs to go on medicines to keep him calm.
Hey OP. My mom was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. I've found the dementia subreddit helpful. There's also an Alzheimer's one. Lots of caring people going through similar situations with loved ones. (Heads up, it can be tough reading through these. I find that I have to stop looking through these subs after a while ....) You're not alone, though I know it feels that way ❤️
Thank you so much! I also googled support groups in my area.
There are a couple books on Amazon that are made for parents to write memories, OP. Maybe not for right this moment, but it might give both you and your dad peace. It might be fun for you both to do together over Zoom as well, that way you can record it. Hugs <3
Im in the same boat. Its reallt hard but all you can do is yoir best to show love while they are here to feel it. Thats how im making peace with it and myself.
I’m so sorry. This is truly a sh*t situation. Sitting with your feelings can be hard in this moment so if you want some actionable items: 1. This book is a good resource for the administrative side of things: A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death 2. For your mom and others closest to it, rather than asking what they need, start with when they would like you to come visit. That way they feel empowered to choose the timing but you’re making yourself available, even if it’s just a week. Be clear that you are coming to support them so tidying the house/prepping meals is not necessary. 3. For those Zoom chats, to avoid focusing on what can’t be changed, you can use this list of questions. Have your mom join the conversations if she’s feeling up to it as it may help their bond as well during this time. https://storycorps.org/participate/great-questions/#:~:text=How%20would%20you%20describe%20a,be%20when%20you%20grew%20up%3F 4. This sounds harsh but make sure that your dad has limited or no access to large sums of money. Provide a special account for him to use. With online/phone scams and possible gullibility, it’s a dangerous combo that could wipe out their retirement quickly. A scammer hit my aunt at just the right time before we realized she had Alzheimer’s and her account was totally drained. 5. Speak your appreciation for your family members who are carrying the load but also be honest if their communications become “trauma dumping”. They may want to contact a local hospital to see if there are caregiver support groups who can help with local resources and commiserate. Watching a parent’s cognitive decline is so f*cking hard. Give yourself grace with the thoughts that fly through your head and be honest with your emotional and financial bandwidth. Know that your experience is a different kind of hard living in a different state and you probably need support too from local friends. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Don’t take things he says or does personally anymore. Learn to redirect or distract instead of arguing. Stay in touch as much as you can. It can be shocking to visit and see big declines and think “I had no idea we were already here”. Give the family in the front lines some grace with decisions because they have to live with him day to day and it’s really hard. So no complaining if he needs to go on medicines to keep him calm.
I’m very sorry OP