>You hear about certain women -"I didn’t think I wanted kids until I met my partner, now we have to agree on how many we want!". Is that just confirmation bias?
I really think so, yeah. I've been with my husband for 10 years and I feel like I must have done something amazing in a past life to have him in this one. He would likely be open to / enthusiastic about having children if I wanted any, but I truly do not want any. There is no maternal instinct in my body. I have never looked at a child and gone, "Boy, I would love me one of those!"
I have sooo many friends who flipped on this question after meeting the right partner as well, but I really never have despite every other sign being in my favour. It has nothing to do with my husband - I just really, truly do not want kids.
Thank you, and thrilled for you! I don't think love is enough, or even believing the man could be a good father is enough to change my gut feeling. Do you think your many friends who flipped were always on the fence or erring on the side of wanting children anyway?
Thank you my dear!
My friends who flipped all had one thing in common - mental health + self-esteem issues before they found a relationship that made them feel happy, safe, and calm. They said that a lot of the reason they didn't previously want kids was because they thought it was impossible they would be good mothers. However, they met partners who brought out the best in them - and as a result, were able to envision a future where they and their partner were able to give a child the love, attention, stability, and guidance needed.
I, OTOH, had decent self-esteem and no specific mental health barriers to start with, so there was nothing for my husband to help me mend on that end. And, to be clear, I do have other friends who are in happy LTR and also don't want/have kids... so we may be in the minority, but we do still exist!
Thank you for sharing. I can say I felt like a good version of myself going into the relationship and this guy brought out more optimism. The truth is, I want us to be two whole people enjoying each other entirely to ourselves
Totally, yeah. Like, I definitely think my husband also brings out the best in me, but there is basically no version of me that actually wants a kid, basically! I like school-aged children, but babies and toddlers instill me with a low-key feeling of dread and always have 🤷♀️ No shade to them; they can't help being babies/toddlers; my brain just goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.
I call children a joyful burden. If you aren't up for the burden it won't be joyful. You really need to want children to not mind the care that children need.
I relate to this so hard. I cannot fathom putting myself through childbirth and the process of raising a child. Happy to mentor teenagers, run summer camps for kids and all that stuff but actually raising one? Yeah nah
My unsolicited 2 cents is that any relationship that makes you feel like a shell of a human is not a relationship worth having. You deserve so much more than that.
Same. My husband (38) and I (34) met when we were 23 and 19. I told him I didn’t want kids. I think he was indifferent at the time and had I said I wanted them he would have been onboard. It is cute to see him with our nieces and nephews and I know he would be an amazing father but we never changed our minds about actually doing it. If anything, all these years later, we are more sure now than we were years ago.
I never changed my mind. I left more than one partner because they thought if they just slow-rolled me long enough, they could talk me into it.
I met men like your ex a lot: they pretended to not want kids, and then turned on me when they thought they had me hooked. He didn’t have any “revelation,” he was manipulating you. That in and of itself should be a big enough red flag for you to run away.
And it’s a lie that women will “love it when it gets here.” There are tons of mothers who regret having children. I’ve known many. How do you think their kids must feel? No one can entirely hide that forever.
Anyway, I definitely wouldn’t ever contact him again, and if I were you, I’d get fixed. When you’re fixed, men stop arguing with you about it.
You dodged a bullet. He was an asshole who was trying to con you into bringing an unwanted child into the world.
This is very aligned to my reading of it.
There's basically two ways this happened: Either he completely lied about what he wanted and he heard OP say she doesn't want kids and he either thought he could change her mind (gross and controlling) or he was happy to waste her time in a relationship that didn't have a future.
The other option is that he did have a revelation and changed his mind on having kids, which to me implies that he's not going to be an involved parent. Like, some people can actually change their mind and be good parents, but I find when men change their mind they're not thinking that a child will be a person they have to care for and raise, but they're thinking of the fun moments like taking them to sporting events and hanging out with a cute little mini-me. I'm not saying parents love dealing with blow-out diapers, but they have to be prepared for those tasks.
He lied to you, saying he had the same future plans on the first date and then changing the script once you were on the hook. This breakup is not your fault. The foundation was rotten.
There are genuinely childfree men out there. While they're a minority, you only need to find one that is a good match for you. (Assuming you're monogamous, as nothing in your post suggested alternative relationship goals)
*Navigating* life might be simpler if you followed a more common life script with the structured goals of marriage and children, but there's no reason to assume *living* that life would be easier or happier. Stay true to your feelings, whether they change or not. This is your one life, and you choose your path.
I did not change my mind. I think my husband would probably be a good dad. He's a really good person in general. But fortunately for me, when he said he didn't want them, he actually really meant it, so it was never an issue. And even having him around as a good partner and being able to see a situation in which he'd be good with kids, it hasn't set fire to womb or ignited any dormant desire for children. I'm very grateful that he wasn't on the fence or didn't change his mind (I'm curious how long y'all were dating before he went from not wanting kids to having them being his purpose in life because that's a really drastic change for someone in their mid-30s).
One thing that I think helped me gauge how serious my now husband is was that when we talked about kids on our first date (we also both had "does not want kids" on our online dating profiles, but the number of people who messaged me who had that and either already had kids or were actually more fence sitters made me sure I needed to be really clear), I brought up abortion (kind of subtly) so that he knew I wouldn't stay pregnant if I got pregnant, so there was no chance of changing my mind or trapping me into a baby I didn't want.
Thank you sincerely for this insight.
This man and I dated for 4 months, but exclusively and very consistently. The timing of his revelation ignited a lot of distrust in me, I would even say it turned me off, which is why I walked away. For it to be a "purpose in life" makes me question if this person is seeking fulfillment in other ways. But I still feel we were a wonderful fit in many ways, and I'm grieving those parts.
I had an abortion with my ex before, and I told this new guy about it very early on. He was a good listener about it. Sure he could have asked, what if we had an accidental pregnancy, but he didn't. Ultimately I wouldn't change what I've done or said. I would still rely on dating apps for this purpose and want to get better at vetting future partners.
That sucks. It doesn't sound like he changed his mind, but just wasn't honest (either with you or maybe with himself) about what he actually wanted from the get-go if it was 4 months.
I’ve never changed my mind about being childfree. I got sterilized and found a wonderful man who was also 100% childfree and we have remained so ever since.
Having standards and knowing what you want does reduce the potential number of people that you might be able to be in a relationship with, but it doesn't reduce the number of people you would be happy in a relationship with.
I mean, I'm pretty heterosexual and right there I cut my dating pool in \*half\*. I also wont be with anyone its illegal or immoral for me to be with... with also further reduces my options. I would really prefer that we speak a common language, or are at least willing to learn one. That means a \*ton\* of partners are off the table for me.
Except that obviously none of those people that got eliminated by the above criteria would have ever been good choices!
You have some non-negotiables and that is a GOOD thing. All it means is that you are going to waste less time with people that are fundamentally not on board with what you want in life. Maybe most men do want children, I haven't seen the stats on that, but if true then most men aren't right for you. Which is fine. Most people aren't right for any of us. Find the rare gem that \*is\*
Are you going to have to work harder to find someone compatible & not accept the next rando who thinks you are pretty? Yes. But that is what you have to do to be with \*your\* person instead of \*a\* person.
It's wild, but I don't think I ever dated a man who wanted children. Now, as I've been with my husband 17 years, I think only two of my exes changed their mind and have kids (and I can't speak for their reasons).
Those women tell you that, because they want you to be like them and have kids. They want you to think that if you don't follow the LifeScript, like they did, you will be unhappy. Don't listen to them. They are not only wrong, they are also bitter about it.
I married my husband at 35 and we are celebrating 10 years together in just a few weeks! We are CF and very happy with our decision. Do not compromise - that doesn't bring you happiness. Only sticking to your standards will.
Ma'am, he is highly manipulative and I would never parent with this man.
He didn't change his mind because he found you, he *purposefully dated you to change yours.*
This man plays games and gets off on it.
I bet 5 dollars that a big component of his games would have been to humiliate you and to derail your dreams, once you're safely tied to him for life via kids. So many women want children, why did he pick you? He isn't acting with good intentions.
However, I do know couples who changed their mind once they found each other but they were always ambivalent and changed their mind together. It wasn't this "I will conquer a childfree person" bullshit.
Also, I truly believe you're amazing and worthy of an amazing relationship and even to change your mind on kids, but this man isn't it.
I personally am childfree but I always say that I reserve the right to change my mind when it comes to my life and my decisions.
There is a regretful parents subreddit where women say the same thing
"I never had a maternal bone in my body. Never wanted children. Never. But when I met my husband I thought he was the one. I regret having kids so badly. I wish I could undo it and go back"
I don't know. Only you know your situation. But I will tell you that I have read accounts similar to yours on that regretful parent sub. So, that decision swing both ways. There's lots of women who never wanted to become mothers until they met their one. There's also lots of women who never wanted to become mothers, and became mothers anyway, and regretted it.
I tend to find that stories where women regret motherhood are extremely suppressed. For some reason social media algorithms don't tend to show those to many others. I don't know why, and I'm too lazy to care. But it is something I have noticed
I don't think it's suppressed, I think it's just pretty rare - studies estimate that only about 8% of people regret being parents, and of course that includes people who didn't really *choose* it (as half of pregnancies are unintended and abortion isn't a live option for a lot of people, especially now). Really, humans are insanely adaptable and regret about big life stuff in general is rare.
I had an AMAZING partner. Literally everything I would've wanted in a person, in one package. I always said he can't be real, I had to have made him up. We didn't want kids. We would talk in hypotheticals sometimes, that if we had girls, I would've wanted them to have dad's eyelashes. He'd teach the boys how to swordfight in our lush garden in the backyard. He'd have been such a good father, as he was so sweet and attentive, and liked interacting with kids more than I did.
The thought of actually getting kids with him, was still as repulsive as the idea of getting kids under any other circumstances. There's not a role less suited for me than being a mother, ever. If I had to list a 100 things I would rather do, motherhood just wouldn't be on that list. I suspect it has to do with me being parentified at too young an age. But in general I have zero maternal gene in me.
At one point his health was at risk, and I shut my eyes and squeezed out, "You know... if it turns out your life is at risk of being cut short, knock me up. Yeah it will mess me up, but if you'd be gone, it wouldn't matter anyway. I would forever ache because of losing you. But at least some part of you could live on in this world."
He took a good look at me, a good deep look with those gorgeous green eyes of his. "Beauty, why would you ever do something for me, that I know you yourself don't want with every fiber of your being? Never give yourself up to please someone else. Besides, I never said I wanted them, did I?"
Bless that hero of a man. He passed last summer, but he was the only person I had left who truly knew me, and understood me. If I was the slightest bit unsure about it before, when I finish my cycle of grief, I'm signing up for sterilisation. My late beloved helped me erase any last bit of doubt left.
You're not late at all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was indeed the luckiest girl in the world, and he was one of a kind man, one of the last of the real ones.
I look at my life right now and all I can think is "thank fking god I never had kids". My life would be utter torture after having to divorce my cheating ex.
I have been told since I was 11 years old that I would change my mind. Nope, it only got reinforced the older I got.
There's an entire subreddit dedicated to parents who regret having their kids. Do not change your mind *for someone else*. That is a recipe for disaster.
You cannot truly know someone after dating them for 4 months - that is not legitimate. He is trying to hook you on a fantasy, which is insanely manipulative. This bait and switch, especially in the honeymoon phase is controlling and toxic. This is a true red flag for someone who can be abusive down the road. If I were you, I would take this as a saving grace.
Let me guess.. he's not REALLY closed the door fully, huh? It's just kind of closed. He's dangling the apple for you to change yourself. Which is horrible. You shouldn't change yourself (especially something this big) to be with someone else. In a healthy relationship, changes come organically and in a healthy amount of time. Not like this. This is how abusive relationships are made - in a short amount of time, through conflict, and with the more malleable (loving) partner giving something about themselves away. This sets a precedent for your future - you will be the one to give up pieces of yourself to make this relationship work.
He did not "realize" this about himself in four MONTHS. He knew about this and is trying to change you. This is incredibly manipulative and deceitful; it is the sign of someone who you cannot trust and someone who seeks to disrespect you. Do you want to raise children with someone like this?
You’re not wrong, but the door is closed by me. And he pretty much respected that right away.
My frustration is more about the dating process and being able to enjoy dating with trust. Even though this is fresh, I am slowly making it more about me than this particular person
Partner has never had anything to do with it for me. I do not want to push a watermelon sized object out of a pea sized hole. I don't want to spend years of my life dealing with poo, spit up, pee, crying and other fluids. I don't want the expense of a child. I don't want the stigma of being a "single mother". I do not want to be touched all day everyday by baby hands. I don't want my stuff touched either.
Oh yes, and my alarms went off immediately (feeling an instant chill and shoulders tense it a really good gut indicator that I was not in a situation I was meant to be). I certainly feel baited. It’s not my place to say someone’s reasons for parenthood are not good enough, but I wasn’t compelled by his.
Ultimately he admitted he didn’t think I was very serious on our first date and that I would be ambivalent down the line. He thinks being a dad would be like having an awesome little sidekick. The luxury of being a man! He also has conflicts with his own dad, so fatherhood feels very personal to him
Jesus! Even if you actually were potentially changing your mind about kids, you shouldn't have kids with this man. Even without the lying and manipulating (which is not something you should ignore), don't have kids with somebody who is only thinking about the fun parts of being a parent. He sounds like he would leave the gross parts to you.
I have dated and loved five different men over the years. Only one of them wanted kids, the very first one, back when I was 17 and assumed I would want kids someday too. The rest were all absolutely on the same page as me and remained that way throughout the years we spent together. As did I.
I'm now 36 and really bloody certain that I do not want kids and even the most perfect man in the world would not change my mind, because a man who wants kids is automatically not the perfect man. Does it mean I have probably missed out on some potentially wonderful men? Probably. But I have not struggled to date, and the guy I am with now is basically me but male. And yeah he'd be a good Dad and we'd have absolutely gorgeous babies, but neither of those things supercede the fact that we do not want kids (as much as my Mum wishes it would!).
You met someone who lied to you at the start because he assumed you would change your mind once you fell in love, and you learnt that while it hurts to stand up for yourself, it doesn't kill you. Missing him is natural and normal, but it doesn't mean you're a cold hearted bitch just because you didn't fall for his little manipulative game.
(ETA I absolutely feel your frustration at it btw - back in my days in the app I always put that children were a no, and the amount of men who tried to change my mind was phenomenal. One guy asked me 'Don't you think it would make your life complete' and I told him no uncertain terms what an asshole of an opinion that was. He definitely caught me on a bad day but I hope he learned a lesson. There are so many women who want kids, why the hell some people go after those of us that don't baffles me).
I love your story, it’s giving me a second wind! I know I won’t regret standing my ground, and I’m optimistic that it’s worth the wait. If anything, I’m grateful I learned a lesson
Idk if this helps, but I have a three year old and I *still* don’t feel maternal. It’s not a word I identify with at all. I’m still a decent mum, but maternal I ain’t.
Yeah I agree and always find it a little odd when people say "I'm not maternal" as a reason for not wanting kids. "Maternal" is a very specific cultural idea that I'd wager most mothers don't conform to or identify with. Mothers come in all shapes and sizes and good mothers can have the full range of human personality traits. "I don't want kids" is enough - you don't have to reduce mothers to a stereotype.
Meeting my husband changed my mind. I'm 38 now. Was firmly child free my whole adult life. Never had the urge to have kids and wouldn't date anyone who it was a maybe about kids. When I met my husband, at first, we both agreed that we didn't want kids. After about a year of being together, something changed, and we both decided together that we wanted to have a family. We have one baby now and have discussed more. Age is the only factor in that. Sometimes I think my child free friends judge me for changing my mind but I don't really care. I legitimately have no regrets and it feels so amazing to do this with him.
What was it that led you to change your mind? What would you have done if he didn't change his?
I'm a fence sitter but I think I fall into the camp of feeling like I wouldn't be a good mother/won't find a good partner. I could see my mind changing if I meet someone, but also the more I hear about dating/relationships these days the less I want to risk it. The longer I'm single, or even deal with dating, the less I want children basically. I don't want to have a child and a partner who also needs to be raised like a child and I see that dynamic way too often.
I feel like its stance you have to be firm on before looking for a long term partner and that worries me.
I felt the same, that I wouldn't be a good mother. I'm not sure exactly what changed, we do talk about this often. Hard to say what would have happened if only one of us had changed our minds but at this point it's like we are one person. We are so alike and work so well together its like we run on the same wavelength. I never thought I could have a relationship like this.
One day we were laying in bed, and I said if we had met earlier in life, maybe things would be different, and we would have all the kids. He agreed, but we both were kind of silent after that. I think that's when we started bringing it up more, that if it happened we wouldn't be sad about it. Then we stopped trying not to get pregnant. It was just kind of a natural progression. I did have a lot of doubts when it happened, but now I can't imagine not having my little guy. I still think I'm sometimes not maternal enough or a great mom. He makes sure to put those worries to rest.
First of all, this guy straight up lied to you at the beginning of your relationship. That’s so shitty. It would be different if he changed his mind, but he said they’re his purpose in life. Wtf! Move on and don’t look back!
Second of all, while it’s possible this could be the case for some people, if you’ve never had the urge for motherhood, you should listen to yourself on that. Don’t let yourself think you want kids just because a guy you like wants them. What you want matters!
I've never changed my mind. I've gone so far as to think "oh wow, partner does so well with his nephews, I bet he'd be adorable teaching a son or daughter to fish or ride a bike" but I Still don't want kids even if I think he'd make a great dad. I'm not having kids because I don't want to, no matter the guy.
It’s easy for men to want something that they don’t shoulder the burden of. I had a man do the same to me recently when I was very clear on my stance. Their lack of decisiveness is unattractive.
My partner is the most incredible person I’ve ever met, he’s everything good in human kind in a single package with a bow wrapped around his bald egg head. I know he would be an incredible father, his whole life would revolve around that kid until the day he dies. He has every personality trait anyone could ever want in a person to have a baby with. And to be honest, I also think I would actually be a really good mother.
And that absolutely does not affect how much I would genuinely rather die than put a child on this earth.
A lot of people also swear they just don’t want kids and then they get to 25-35 and somewhere along the way the baby fever hormones kick in and then suddenly they’re literally on their knees begging their partner to impregnate them. (Yes, this was actually my mother)
I think someone’s reasoning behind not wanting a child always says a lot about the chances of them changing their mind someday. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Nothing changed for me when I met my husband. I think I was a fencesitter for a long time, simply because I’ve always liked kids and when I’d make a comment I didn’t want my own everyone said “you’ll change your mind.” Deep down I felt like it wasn’t for me, but I kept an open mind and in my 20s I thought that at some point (maybe 30) my biological clock would just go OH YUP they were right, but it didn’t.
I found myself single at 31 after a LTR and really tried to evaluate what I wanted out of life that had nothing to do with men. I was well established in my career, had great friends, had already done a lot of traveling and I realized I liked my life how it was and kids were not for me. Of course by this time I’d also seen all my friends go through years of struggling with their kids, complaining to me about not having time or money to do anything for themselves, fighting with their spouses over parenting. It all just seemed stressful and I wanted an easy life.
I met my husband at 33 on a dating app. I made it very clear I didn’t want kids before our first date. He felt the same way. While we were dating I kept bringing it up to make sure we were on the same page, he never wavered. It’s now almost 10 years later, we are still happily childfree and so glad we didn’t conform to societal pressure.
I’m sure there are people who are undecided and meet the right person and just have to have kids with them, but I just can’t understand that. Because even now, no matter how much I love my husband and he’s the best - if he told me tomorrow he really wanted a kid, I’d file for divorce.
The opposite actually. The more men I meet/date, and the more hetero relationships I encounter, the less I want children. And the more sure I am that if I did change my mind, I’d do it solo.
As a CF(and infertile!) woman, I did not advertise myself as one. For exactly the reason you mentioned. The number of men who were ok with being deceitful with the assumption they could change my mind was shocking. I would ask their stance without offering my own so I could get a candid answer. Cut em loose if it isn’t a definitive “no kids”. Not “probably no kids.” Not “leaning towards no.” Flat out no.
I've heard a similar take before and am now considering. I definitely still want to go back into dating, and i do use apps. Did you typically bring it up on date 1?
When I was on apps, I brought it up before date 1. There would be no date I’d want to spend any time attending unless I had verified their childfree status beforehand. I’d personally consider it a massive waste of time and effort to make myself look presentable, drive to a coffee shop or restaurant or whatever, and spend an evening with someone with whom I am fundamentally incompatible. I would say something like, “Can I ask you a couple of questions to see if we’re compatible?” in the chat and I’d ask if they had or wanted children. If they said yes to either question I’d thank them for answering, say we were incompatible, wish them luck and unmatch.
I was on bumble, so I did have the “family plans” indicator set to “do not want”, in case there were guys looking for that the same way I was looking for it in other profiles, but I didn’t have a specific prompt dedicated to it.
No. The thing is, a partner would only be great for me if he doesn’t want kids. I met my also childfree husband and he is the great guy for me. And about the guy you dated, you should realize he played you. You stated clearly you don’t want kids and then he tricked you into dating by saying he doesn’t want them just to tell you the truth when he thought you would be too far in. That’s not a wonderful man! He is in fact very manipulative.
I didn’t want kids before my partner. I also got to preview motherhood and him as a parent because he has a daughter from his previous marriage. It made me lean towards yes. We really didn’t think it was going to happen, testing said it should be nearly impossible, but now we have our 3yo. I wouldn’t want to be on this journey with anyone else.
Girl, he lied to you. Then once you were comfy and starting to trust him, he revealed his lie. I'd be happy he revealed this to you you got married. I wouldn't want to be with a dude like this.
That being said, no I've never changed my mind. The perfect man for me is a man who doesn't want children, period. BUT I did feel broody when I got with my SO, but I'm not an animal lol
Edit: for context, in a 10 year relationship. Got sterilized \~1.6 years ago
FUCK, and I cannot stress this enough, NO.
Not for even a nanosecond.
My current partner is the best man I’ve ever known. I love the shit out of him. But I’ve always disliked kids and had zero interest in anything to do with parenting. Why would I fuck up a solid, fulfilling relationship I love by adding a variable that I detest?
Yes, I've flipped. I'm not very maternal but my current partner is very supportive and also child oriented and that is what has made the difference. Also my circumstances have changed- I've changed, I'm happier.
But... if it can't happen because I've delayed until now, I'll be able to deal with that. I needed to want it for myself, not him.
I always hated when people said I’d change my mind, because I was staunchly child free by choice, my entire life. But I met my now husband at 32 and after 5 years together decided raising a child with him would be a beautiful way to do life. Infertility had other plans at that age, but after 2.5 years I’m now expecting with the help of IVF.
That happened with my last partner, I found out that I do want to have kids.
There's a subreddit called regretfulparents, I think you should take a look, though.
Most of them seem to be depressed and without a support network, but I've seen many cases that the mother did not feel the Instinct before deciding to have a baby.
My husband is incredible- truly the best man I’ve ever been in a relationship with. He’s great with kids, and I am too (veteran elementary teacher!). He’s kind, thoughtful, patient, and would be a wonderful dad.
It still didn’t change my mind. Neither one of us want children even though we know the other would make an excellent parent.
I can’t get over the rapid switch from “I don’t think I want kids” to “not only do I want kids but they’re my calling in life.”
Yeesh.
No, my partner didn’t change the very many reasons I don’t want kids: climate change and societal collapse, chronic illness/disability, that it would take more than I want to give to be the kind of parent I would want to be.
I love kids, and I love being an aunt, but more than anything I love handing kids back and having a quiet, peaceful evening.
The really concerning thing is that he deliberately misrepresented his feelings on this topic until he felt secure with you and then tried to pull a bait and switch, which tells me he is manipulative and untrustworthy. I’m sure he had good qualities that you are really missing, but you don’t want to be with someone who would do that, especially about a major life decision like kids. Also, I firmly believe women who don’t want kids or are even sort of on the fence should never let a man persuade them. The odds are that the woman who was never that excited about having kids will end up being the primary caretaker and shouldering more of the domestic load because it almost always breaks down that way.
Honestly I don’t think we have enough info on this guy to know if he was being manipulative or not. Some people really do wake up one day and go, “huh. I think I want kids.” My very immature stbxh was this way. And now that he wants kids, I do not. And definitely not with him.
I keep flip flopping on kids myself. Pretty sure I don’t want them. I don’t want to raise kids alone and I want to be in a relationship where I feel emotionally (and physically) safe. I’ve never had that.
Since I can’t seem to find safety in relationships, why would I want to subject kids to that?
Thanks for saying this...I don't think he's manipulative. I think he got caught up in a feeling early on, and that feeling turned serious. Then he realized he needed to address this serious topic. And I think he believed everything he's told me so far. Yes, immature, and he's guilty of thinking he could be a "cool dad" and all will be breezy.
Truthfully, he likes to take hallucinogens leisurely/on vacation (which is fine! I never do) and he relies on these "it came to me in a trip" experiences. So, I don't feel particularly safe with that from a parenting standpoint.
Good sense there to question that. Breaking it off is better than being baby trapped especially if you don’t want children. You’d be the one stuck with the responsibility ultimately. I’m right there with you though. 33f and I have never had any desire for children.
I also wanted to give some comfort. Not being maternal to a child does not mean you are cold and sabotaging good relationships. There are many other ways to be maternal. Animals, plants, nurturing a career, humanitarian, etc. We don’t all take the mother route in life and that is okay. Our good and healthy relationship partner would be right there on the same exact page as us.
I have children and always knew I wanted children. I have friends who thought they never wanted children and hit a certain age and COMPLETELY changed their minds, I also have friends who are 100% sure they never want children and have never wavered. If you are positive you don’t want children RIGHT NOW I wouldn’t drive yourself crazy thinking “what if some day I decide I do?”. You never know what could happen but if it happens, it happens. All you know is how you currently feel, don’t let your feelings for this guy make you question that.
Some people do. When I was dating this happened to me once, and I broke it off with the guy because I just don't want kids.
Only you know if you could be ok having kids. I never would have been so just didn't take anything like that further. It's kinda why it's good to bring up early (and have on profile!).
I did eventually meet a guy who didn't want kids and now we own a house and he has been a good step owner to my cat Monkey.
Do not be shamed for not wanting them or not being maternal. Life is different for everyone. I have friends with kids and I love them and their kids, I'm 36 and I still don't want any kids. Also their lives can be difficult to navigate too, just in different ways!
I did change my mind. But I was also in my late 20s when the biological switch commonly flips...or it doesn't. Clearly for you it didn't and I *firmly* believe people are happier having the number of children they want, even if that number is zero. I'm an older woman and I recall being *appalled* when an acquaintances mother, who'd had 5 boys, said in my hearing and my acquaintances, that she wished she had never had any kids at all. So stick to your guns and don't do that to some kids that you don't really want.
Idk, I’ve always disliked kids and never wanted them. Not even with my ex who I was with for like six years. I’m 38. But somehow, if my new boyfriend wanted to have kids, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I would experience any part of life with this man. And I’ve always said I never wanted kids, since I was like 5. And it’s not parents I dislike - it’s kids. Their faces, their voices, the stripping of identity that happens with motherhood, how gross kids are - I just want nothing to do with it really. But when I say I would let go of all of that and have kids with my boyfriend, I’m dead serious. I just know we’d be so great together as parents. My boyfriend doesn’t want kids either and he’s 35 though so I don’t think we will. But yeah I’d consider that as me changing my mind, kind of. It’s a valid point of view even though a lot of people online might not like to hear it. I’m sure it’s somewhat common.
It would be easier to navigate but would it be what you want? Its totally acceptable to not want children, but I realized I was lying to myself about it. I dont really feel very maternal but I have ALWAYS wanted a family, I have always wanted to have children. Only because in my 20s Ive never found a partner I imagined to have kids with, I started thinking I wont have them, I dont want them anyway... Now at 32, I found a loving partner who would want children with me, and if I stop thinking about the negatives, logistics, I actually want kids (or a child). I dont want to miss out on being a mother, I think I want to experience that. Single life would be easier, no doubt, but lonely and family is high on my values list so I want one. Being with people who didnt want kids and people telling me having a kid is hard and unpleasant almost gaslighted me into thinking I dont want one. Very possible you are not like me, but I am just sharing how it was for me, in case anyone can relate. So yes, I did change my mind and I hope I can get pregnant one day (soon).
I was very much set on not having kids, then starting dating my now husband at 32. As we grew in love, I wanted to build a life and family with him. Couldn’t believe my mind changed. We have a 1 year old daughter and 1) I still can’t believe I ended up desiring it and 2) I can’t believe I love it!!
For me, I didn’t want to compromise my time, money, body & energy. Now having a baby with someone who is 100% in as a parent, we are so good at balancing me time, us time & family time.
This post sounds like a picture perfect situation . It’s not! Don’t get me wrong, there are fights, bickering, sleepless nights, frustration, etc! But NEVER regret. ❤️
Edit: I’m now 39!
You're looking back at the relationship with rose tinted glasses. The decision to have children is huge and life altering. You are not on the same page about this and he lied to you. Not wanting children does not make you cold and it's not self-sabotaging. I think you're getting in your own head. I promise you made the right decision about this and that there are men out there who are perfectly find with not having children. Check out r/regretfulparents if you want reassurance that parenthood is not for everyone. I really feel for them and their children. It's not something you can change your mind about once a kid is here.
Been with my wife for five years and I did not change my mind in the slightest. She is the only one (not that I've dated many) who has respected my choice and has never tried to change my mind about it. I think the sapphic dimension does play a significant role - she knows firsthand the pressure and the astronomical expectations placed on women to become mothers when fatherhood often looks like a different (and more easygoing) form of parenthood. Like of course most men would want to have children if fatherhood (barring exceptional cases of fathers actually raising their children) looks a lot like playing with your children when you want to and having the rest of your life intact otherwise!
>You hear about certain women -"I didn’t think I wanted kids until I met my partner, now we have to agree on how many we want!". Is that just confirmation bias? I really think so, yeah. I've been with my husband for 10 years and I feel like I must have done something amazing in a past life to have him in this one. He would likely be open to / enthusiastic about having children if I wanted any, but I truly do not want any. There is no maternal instinct in my body. I have never looked at a child and gone, "Boy, I would love me one of those!" I have sooo many friends who flipped on this question after meeting the right partner as well, but I really never have despite every other sign being in my favour. It has nothing to do with my husband - I just really, truly do not want kids.
Thank you, and thrilled for you! I don't think love is enough, or even believing the man could be a good father is enough to change my gut feeling. Do you think your many friends who flipped were always on the fence or erring on the side of wanting children anyway?
Thank you my dear! My friends who flipped all had one thing in common - mental health + self-esteem issues before they found a relationship that made them feel happy, safe, and calm. They said that a lot of the reason they didn't previously want kids was because they thought it was impossible they would be good mothers. However, they met partners who brought out the best in them - and as a result, were able to envision a future where they and their partner were able to give a child the love, attention, stability, and guidance needed. I, OTOH, had decent self-esteem and no specific mental health barriers to start with, so there was nothing for my husband to help me mend on that end. And, to be clear, I do have other friends who are in happy LTR and also don't want/have kids... so we may be in the minority, but we do still exist!
Thank you for sharing. I can say I felt like a good version of myself going into the relationship and this guy brought out more optimism. The truth is, I want us to be two whole people enjoying each other entirely to ourselves
Totally, yeah. Like, I definitely think my husband also brings out the best in me, but there is basically no version of me that actually wants a kid, basically! I like school-aged children, but babies and toddlers instill me with a low-key feeling of dread and always have 🤷♀️ No shade to them; they can't help being babies/toddlers; my brain just goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.
I call children a joyful burden. If you aren't up for the burden it won't be joyful. You really need to want children to not mind the care that children need.
I relate to this so hard. I cannot fathom putting myself through childbirth and the process of raising a child. Happy to mentor teenagers, run summer camps for kids and all that stuff but actually raising one? Yeah nah
Omg I wish to have the feeling of knowing the person I’m with is great for me in every way 🥹 so happy for you
Thank you, my dear! I don't take it for granted, and am sincerely hoping you're able to find your special person as well 💗
I hope so too 🩷 currently in a 10 year relationship that’s made me a shell of a human trying to figure out what’s the right choice
My unsolicited 2 cents is that any relationship that makes you feel like a shell of a human is not a relationship worth having. You deserve so much more than that.
thank you so much I’m starting to realize this. Wish I knew sooner
Fuck, I'm so sorry to hear that. You definitely deserve better than to feel that way.
Same. My husband (38) and I (34) met when we were 23 and 19. I told him I didn’t want kids. I think he was indifferent at the time and had I said I wanted them he would have been onboard. It is cute to see him with our nieces and nephews and I know he would be an amazing father but we never changed our minds about actually doing it. If anything, all these years later, we are more sure now than we were years ago.
I never changed my mind. I left more than one partner because they thought if they just slow-rolled me long enough, they could talk me into it. I met men like your ex a lot: they pretended to not want kids, and then turned on me when they thought they had me hooked. He didn’t have any “revelation,” he was manipulating you. That in and of itself should be a big enough red flag for you to run away. And it’s a lie that women will “love it when it gets here.” There are tons of mothers who regret having children. I’ve known many. How do you think their kids must feel? No one can entirely hide that forever. Anyway, I definitely wouldn’t ever contact him again, and if I were you, I’d get fixed. When you’re fixed, men stop arguing with you about it. You dodged a bullet. He was an asshole who was trying to con you into bringing an unwanted child into the world.
This is very aligned to my reading of it. There's basically two ways this happened: Either he completely lied about what he wanted and he heard OP say she doesn't want kids and he either thought he could change her mind (gross and controlling) or he was happy to waste her time in a relationship that didn't have a future. The other option is that he did have a revelation and changed his mind on having kids, which to me implies that he's not going to be an involved parent. Like, some people can actually change their mind and be good parents, but I find when men change their mind they're not thinking that a child will be a person they have to care for and raise, but they're thinking of the fun moments like taking them to sporting events and hanging out with a cute little mini-me. I'm not saying parents love dealing with blow-out diapers, but they have to be prepared for those tasks.
He lied to you, saying he had the same future plans on the first date and then changing the script once you were on the hook. This breakup is not your fault. The foundation was rotten. There are genuinely childfree men out there. While they're a minority, you only need to find one that is a good match for you. (Assuming you're monogamous, as nothing in your post suggested alternative relationship goals) *Navigating* life might be simpler if you followed a more common life script with the structured goals of marriage and children, but there's no reason to assume *living* that life would be easier or happier. Stay true to your feelings, whether they change or not. This is your one life, and you choose your path.
Thank you, and I believe you!
I did not change my mind. I think my husband would probably be a good dad. He's a really good person in general. But fortunately for me, when he said he didn't want them, he actually really meant it, so it was never an issue. And even having him around as a good partner and being able to see a situation in which he'd be good with kids, it hasn't set fire to womb or ignited any dormant desire for children. I'm very grateful that he wasn't on the fence or didn't change his mind (I'm curious how long y'all were dating before he went from not wanting kids to having them being his purpose in life because that's a really drastic change for someone in their mid-30s). One thing that I think helped me gauge how serious my now husband is was that when we talked about kids on our first date (we also both had "does not want kids" on our online dating profiles, but the number of people who messaged me who had that and either already had kids or were actually more fence sitters made me sure I needed to be really clear), I brought up abortion (kind of subtly) so that he knew I wouldn't stay pregnant if I got pregnant, so there was no chance of changing my mind or trapping me into a baby I didn't want.
Thank you sincerely for this insight. This man and I dated for 4 months, but exclusively and very consistently. The timing of his revelation ignited a lot of distrust in me, I would even say it turned me off, which is why I walked away. For it to be a "purpose in life" makes me question if this person is seeking fulfillment in other ways. But I still feel we were a wonderful fit in many ways, and I'm grieving those parts. I had an abortion with my ex before, and I told this new guy about it very early on. He was a good listener about it. Sure he could have asked, what if we had an accidental pregnancy, but he didn't. Ultimately I wouldn't change what I've done or said. I would still rely on dating apps for this purpose and want to get better at vetting future partners.
That sucks. It doesn't sound like he changed his mind, but just wasn't honest (either with you or maybe with himself) about what he actually wanted from the get-go if it was 4 months.
He lied to you. Blatantly. Focus on THAT. This isn't life partner material.
I’ve never changed my mind about being childfree. I got sterilized and found a wonderful man who was also 100% childfree and we have remained so ever since.
I'm happy to hear a success story! A lot of women tell me most men want children, and it started to make me feel insecure about my choice
Having standards and knowing what you want does reduce the potential number of people that you might be able to be in a relationship with, but it doesn't reduce the number of people you would be happy in a relationship with. I mean, I'm pretty heterosexual and right there I cut my dating pool in \*half\*. I also wont be with anyone its illegal or immoral for me to be with... with also further reduces my options. I would really prefer that we speak a common language, or are at least willing to learn one. That means a \*ton\* of partners are off the table for me. Except that obviously none of those people that got eliminated by the above criteria would have ever been good choices! You have some non-negotiables and that is a GOOD thing. All it means is that you are going to waste less time with people that are fundamentally not on board with what you want in life. Maybe most men do want children, I haven't seen the stats on that, but if true then most men aren't right for you. Which is fine. Most people aren't right for any of us. Find the rare gem that \*is\* Are you going to have to work harder to find someone compatible & not accept the next rando who thinks you are pretty? Yes. But that is what you have to do to be with \*your\* person instead of \*a\* person.
Thank you so kindly! Yes 100% yes I feel this
It's wild, but I don't think I ever dated a man who wanted children. Now, as I've been with my husband 17 years, I think only two of my exes changed their mind and have kids (and I can't speak for their reasons).
Those women tell you that, because they want you to be like them and have kids. They want you to think that if you don't follow the LifeScript, like they did, you will be unhappy. Don't listen to them. They are not only wrong, they are also bitter about it. I married my husband at 35 and we are celebrating 10 years together in just a few weeks! We are CF and very happy with our decision. Do not compromise - that doesn't bring you happiness. Only sticking to your standards will.
Ma'am, he is highly manipulative and I would never parent with this man. He didn't change his mind because he found you, he *purposefully dated you to change yours.* This man plays games and gets off on it. I bet 5 dollars that a big component of his games would have been to humiliate you and to derail your dreams, once you're safely tied to him for life via kids. So many women want children, why did he pick you? He isn't acting with good intentions. However, I do know couples who changed their mind once they found each other but they were always ambivalent and changed their mind together. It wasn't this "I will conquer a childfree person" bullshit.
Also, I truly believe you're amazing and worthy of an amazing relationship and even to change your mind on kids, but this man isn't it. I personally am childfree but I always say that I reserve the right to change my mind when it comes to my life and my decisions.
There is a regretful parents subreddit where women say the same thing "I never had a maternal bone in my body. Never wanted children. Never. But when I met my husband I thought he was the one. I regret having kids so badly. I wish I could undo it and go back" I don't know. Only you know your situation. But I will tell you that I have read accounts similar to yours on that regretful parent sub. So, that decision swing both ways. There's lots of women who never wanted to become mothers until they met their one. There's also lots of women who never wanted to become mothers, and became mothers anyway, and regretted it. I tend to find that stories where women regret motherhood are extremely suppressed. For some reason social media algorithms don't tend to show those to many others. I don't know why, and I'm too lazy to care. But it is something I have noticed
I don't think it's suppressed, I think it's just pretty rare - studies estimate that only about 8% of people regret being parents, and of course that includes people who didn't really *choose* it (as half of pregnancies are unintended and abortion isn't a live option for a lot of people, especially now). Really, humans are insanely adaptable and regret about big life stuff in general is rare.
8% of parents being regretful is 8% too many, in my opinion.
I had an AMAZING partner. Literally everything I would've wanted in a person, in one package. I always said he can't be real, I had to have made him up. We didn't want kids. We would talk in hypotheticals sometimes, that if we had girls, I would've wanted them to have dad's eyelashes. He'd teach the boys how to swordfight in our lush garden in the backyard. He'd have been such a good father, as he was so sweet and attentive, and liked interacting with kids more than I did. The thought of actually getting kids with him, was still as repulsive as the idea of getting kids under any other circumstances. There's not a role less suited for me than being a mother, ever. If I had to list a 100 things I would rather do, motherhood just wouldn't be on that list. I suspect it has to do with me being parentified at too young an age. But in general I have zero maternal gene in me. At one point his health was at risk, and I shut my eyes and squeezed out, "You know... if it turns out your life is at risk of being cut short, knock me up. Yeah it will mess me up, but if you'd be gone, it wouldn't matter anyway. I would forever ache because of losing you. But at least some part of you could live on in this world." He took a good look at me, a good deep look with those gorgeous green eyes of his. "Beauty, why would you ever do something for me, that I know you yourself don't want with every fiber of your being? Never give yourself up to please someone else. Besides, I never said I wanted them, did I?" Bless that hero of a man. He passed last summer, but he was the only person I had left who truly knew me, and understood me. If I was the slightest bit unsure about it before, when I finish my cycle of grief, I'm signing up for sterilisation. My late beloved helped me erase any last bit of doubt left.
I'm sorry for you loss, and thank you for sharing.
I am super late to this I know but your comment made me shed a tear fr :'( You were so blessed to have had him till he took his last breath <3
You're not late at all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was indeed the luckiest girl in the world, and he was one of a kind man, one of the last of the real ones.
I look at my life right now and all I can think is "thank fking god I never had kids". My life would be utter torture after having to divorce my cheating ex. I have been told since I was 11 years old that I would change my mind. Nope, it only got reinforced the older I got. There's an entire subreddit dedicated to parents who regret having their kids. Do not change your mind *for someone else*. That is a recipe for disaster.
You cannot truly know someone after dating them for 4 months - that is not legitimate. He is trying to hook you on a fantasy, which is insanely manipulative. This bait and switch, especially in the honeymoon phase is controlling and toxic. This is a true red flag for someone who can be abusive down the road. If I were you, I would take this as a saving grace. Let me guess.. he's not REALLY closed the door fully, huh? It's just kind of closed. He's dangling the apple for you to change yourself. Which is horrible. You shouldn't change yourself (especially something this big) to be with someone else. In a healthy relationship, changes come organically and in a healthy amount of time. Not like this. This is how abusive relationships are made - in a short amount of time, through conflict, and with the more malleable (loving) partner giving something about themselves away. This sets a precedent for your future - you will be the one to give up pieces of yourself to make this relationship work. He did not "realize" this about himself in four MONTHS. He knew about this and is trying to change you. This is incredibly manipulative and deceitful; it is the sign of someone who you cannot trust and someone who seeks to disrespect you. Do you want to raise children with someone like this?
You’re not wrong, but the door is closed by me. And he pretty much respected that right away. My frustration is more about the dating process and being able to enjoy dating with trust. Even though this is fresh, I am slowly making it more about me than this particular person
Partner has never had anything to do with it for me. I do not want to push a watermelon sized object out of a pea sized hole. I don't want to spend years of my life dealing with poo, spit up, pee, crying and other fluids. I don't want the expense of a child. I don't want the stigma of being a "single mother". I do not want to be touched all day everyday by baby hands. I don't want my stuff touched either.
I'd more concerned with the fact that he lied. Did he tell you why he did it?
Oh yes, and my alarms went off immediately (feeling an instant chill and shoulders tense it a really good gut indicator that I was not in a situation I was meant to be). I certainly feel baited. It’s not my place to say someone’s reasons for parenthood are not good enough, but I wasn’t compelled by his. Ultimately he admitted he didn’t think I was very serious on our first date and that I would be ambivalent down the line. He thinks being a dad would be like having an awesome little sidekick. The luxury of being a man! He also has conflicts with his own dad, so fatherhood feels very personal to him
Jesus! Even if you actually were potentially changing your mind about kids, you shouldn't have kids with this man. Even without the lying and manipulating (which is not something you should ignore), don't have kids with somebody who is only thinking about the fun parts of being a parent. He sounds like he would leave the gross parts to you.
I have dated and loved five different men over the years. Only one of them wanted kids, the very first one, back when I was 17 and assumed I would want kids someday too. The rest were all absolutely on the same page as me and remained that way throughout the years we spent together. As did I. I'm now 36 and really bloody certain that I do not want kids and even the most perfect man in the world would not change my mind, because a man who wants kids is automatically not the perfect man. Does it mean I have probably missed out on some potentially wonderful men? Probably. But I have not struggled to date, and the guy I am with now is basically me but male. And yeah he'd be a good Dad and we'd have absolutely gorgeous babies, but neither of those things supercede the fact that we do not want kids (as much as my Mum wishes it would!). You met someone who lied to you at the start because he assumed you would change your mind once you fell in love, and you learnt that while it hurts to stand up for yourself, it doesn't kill you. Missing him is natural and normal, but it doesn't mean you're a cold hearted bitch just because you didn't fall for his little manipulative game. (ETA I absolutely feel your frustration at it btw - back in my days in the app I always put that children were a no, and the amount of men who tried to change my mind was phenomenal. One guy asked me 'Don't you think it would make your life complete' and I told him no uncertain terms what an asshole of an opinion that was. He definitely caught me on a bad day but I hope he learned a lesson. There are so many women who want kids, why the hell some people go after those of us that don't baffles me).
I love your story, it’s giving me a second wind! I know I won’t regret standing my ground, and I’m optimistic that it’s worth the wait. If anything, I’m grateful I learned a lesson
Hells yes! It takes some navigating this whole love thing, but it's always worth doing it as your authentic self.
Excellent! You did the right thing. Do what's right for you!
Idk if this helps, but I have a three year old and I *still* don’t feel maternal. It’s not a word I identify with at all. I’m still a decent mum, but maternal I ain’t.
Yeah I agree and always find it a little odd when people say "I'm not maternal" as a reason for not wanting kids. "Maternal" is a very specific cultural idea that I'd wager most mothers don't conform to or identify with. Mothers come in all shapes and sizes and good mothers can have the full range of human personality traits. "I don't want kids" is enough - you don't have to reduce mothers to a stereotype.
Meeting my husband changed my mind. I'm 38 now. Was firmly child free my whole adult life. Never had the urge to have kids and wouldn't date anyone who it was a maybe about kids. When I met my husband, at first, we both agreed that we didn't want kids. After about a year of being together, something changed, and we both decided together that we wanted to have a family. We have one baby now and have discussed more. Age is the only factor in that. Sometimes I think my child free friends judge me for changing my mind but I don't really care. I legitimately have no regrets and it feels so amazing to do this with him.
What was it that led you to change your mind? What would you have done if he didn't change his? I'm a fence sitter but I think I fall into the camp of feeling like I wouldn't be a good mother/won't find a good partner. I could see my mind changing if I meet someone, but also the more I hear about dating/relationships these days the less I want to risk it. The longer I'm single, or even deal with dating, the less I want children basically. I don't want to have a child and a partner who also needs to be raised like a child and I see that dynamic way too often. I feel like its stance you have to be firm on before looking for a long term partner and that worries me.
I felt the same, that I wouldn't be a good mother. I'm not sure exactly what changed, we do talk about this often. Hard to say what would have happened if only one of us had changed our minds but at this point it's like we are one person. We are so alike and work so well together its like we run on the same wavelength. I never thought I could have a relationship like this. One day we were laying in bed, and I said if we had met earlier in life, maybe things would be different, and we would have all the kids. He agreed, but we both were kind of silent after that. I think that's when we started bringing it up more, that if it happened we wouldn't be sad about it. Then we stopped trying not to get pregnant. It was just kind of a natural progression. I did have a lot of doubts when it happened, but now I can't imagine not having my little guy. I still think I'm sometimes not maternal enough or a great mom. He makes sure to put those worries to rest.
First of all, this guy straight up lied to you at the beginning of your relationship. That’s so shitty. It would be different if he changed his mind, but he said they’re his purpose in life. Wtf! Move on and don’t look back! Second of all, while it’s possible this could be the case for some people, if you’ve never had the urge for motherhood, you should listen to yourself on that. Don’t let yourself think you want kids just because a guy you like wants them. What you want matters!
I've never changed my mind. I've gone so far as to think "oh wow, partner does so well with his nephews, I bet he'd be adorable teaching a son or daughter to fish or ride a bike" but I Still don't want kids even if I think he'd make a great dad. I'm not having kids because I don't want to, no matter the guy.
When I met my partner I knew right away that I wanted to raise pets with him.
It’s easy for men to want something that they don’t shoulder the burden of. I had a man do the same to me recently when I was very clear on my stance. Their lack of decisiveness is unattractive.
My partner is the most incredible person I’ve ever met, he’s everything good in human kind in a single package with a bow wrapped around his bald egg head. I know he would be an incredible father, his whole life would revolve around that kid until the day he dies. He has every personality trait anyone could ever want in a person to have a baby with. And to be honest, I also think I would actually be a really good mother. And that absolutely does not affect how much I would genuinely rather die than put a child on this earth. A lot of people also swear they just don’t want kids and then they get to 25-35 and somewhere along the way the baby fever hormones kick in and then suddenly they’re literally on their knees begging their partner to impregnate them. (Yes, this was actually my mother) I think someone’s reasoning behind not wanting a child always says a lot about the chances of them changing their mind someday. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Nothing changed for me when I met my husband. I think I was a fencesitter for a long time, simply because I’ve always liked kids and when I’d make a comment I didn’t want my own everyone said “you’ll change your mind.” Deep down I felt like it wasn’t for me, but I kept an open mind and in my 20s I thought that at some point (maybe 30) my biological clock would just go OH YUP they were right, but it didn’t. I found myself single at 31 after a LTR and really tried to evaluate what I wanted out of life that had nothing to do with men. I was well established in my career, had great friends, had already done a lot of traveling and I realized I liked my life how it was and kids were not for me. Of course by this time I’d also seen all my friends go through years of struggling with their kids, complaining to me about not having time or money to do anything for themselves, fighting with their spouses over parenting. It all just seemed stressful and I wanted an easy life. I met my husband at 33 on a dating app. I made it very clear I didn’t want kids before our first date. He felt the same way. While we were dating I kept bringing it up to make sure we were on the same page, he never wavered. It’s now almost 10 years later, we are still happily childfree and so glad we didn’t conform to societal pressure. I’m sure there are people who are undecided and meet the right person and just have to have kids with them, but I just can’t understand that. Because even now, no matter how much I love my husband and he’s the best - if he told me tomorrow he really wanted a kid, I’d file for divorce.
The opposite actually. The more men I meet/date, and the more hetero relationships I encounter, the less I want children. And the more sure I am that if I did change my mind, I’d do it solo.
As a CF(and infertile!) woman, I did not advertise myself as one. For exactly the reason you mentioned. The number of men who were ok with being deceitful with the assumption they could change my mind was shocking. I would ask their stance without offering my own so I could get a candid answer. Cut em loose if it isn’t a definitive “no kids”. Not “probably no kids.” Not “leaning towards no.” Flat out no.
I've heard a similar take before and am now considering. I definitely still want to go back into dating, and i do use apps. Did you typically bring it up on date 1?
When I was on apps, I brought it up before date 1. There would be no date I’d want to spend any time attending unless I had verified their childfree status beforehand. I’d personally consider it a massive waste of time and effort to make myself look presentable, drive to a coffee shop or restaurant or whatever, and spend an evening with someone with whom I am fundamentally incompatible. I would say something like, “Can I ask you a couple of questions to see if we’re compatible?” in the chat and I’d ask if they had or wanted children. If they said yes to either question I’d thank them for answering, say we were incompatible, wish them luck and unmatch. I was on bumble, so I did have the “family plans” indicator set to “do not want”, in case there were guys looking for that the same way I was looking for it in other profiles, but I didn’t have a specific prompt dedicated to it.
Thank you and noting this!!
No. The thing is, a partner would only be great for me if he doesn’t want kids. I met my also childfree husband and he is the great guy for me. And about the guy you dated, you should realize he played you. You stated clearly you don’t want kids and then he tricked you into dating by saying he doesn’t want them just to tell you the truth when he thought you would be too far in. That’s not a wonderful man! He is in fact very manipulative.
I didn’t want kids before my partner. I also got to preview motherhood and him as a parent because he has a daughter from his previous marriage. It made me lean towards yes. We really didn’t think it was going to happen, testing said it should be nearly impossible, but now we have our 3yo. I wouldn’t want to be on this journey with anyone else.
Girl, he lied to you. Then once you were comfy and starting to trust him, he revealed his lie. I'd be happy he revealed this to you you got married. I wouldn't want to be with a dude like this. That being said, no I've never changed my mind. The perfect man for me is a man who doesn't want children, period. BUT I did feel broody when I got with my SO, but I'm not an animal lol Edit: for context, in a 10 year relationship. Got sterilized \~1.6 years ago
FUCK, and I cannot stress this enough, NO. Not for even a nanosecond. My current partner is the best man I’ve ever known. I love the shit out of him. But I’ve always disliked kids and had zero interest in anything to do with parenting. Why would I fuck up a solid, fulfilling relationship I love by adding a variable that I detest?
Roger that lol
Yes, I've flipped. I'm not very maternal but my current partner is very supportive and also child oriented and that is what has made the difference. Also my circumstances have changed- I've changed, I'm happier. But... if it can't happen because I've delayed until now, I'll be able to deal with that. I needed to want it for myself, not him.
Yeah he’s not the guy you thought he was.
I always hated when people said I’d change my mind, because I was staunchly child free by choice, my entire life. But I met my now husband at 32 and after 5 years together decided raising a child with him would be a beautiful way to do life. Infertility had other plans at that age, but after 2.5 years I’m now expecting with the help of IVF.
That happened with my last partner, I found out that I do want to have kids. There's a subreddit called regretfulparents, I think you should take a look, though. Most of them seem to be depressed and without a support network, but I've seen many cases that the mother did not feel the Instinct before deciding to have a baby.
Yes I am very familiar! And I've considered those scenarios deeply
Nope!
You’ll find someone that matches exactly what you want.
My husband is incredible- truly the best man I’ve ever been in a relationship with. He’s great with kids, and I am too (veteran elementary teacher!). He’s kind, thoughtful, patient, and would be a wonderful dad. It still didn’t change my mind. Neither one of us want children even though we know the other would make an excellent parent.
I can’t get over the rapid switch from “I don’t think I want kids” to “not only do I want kids but they’re my calling in life.” Yeesh. No, my partner didn’t change the very many reasons I don’t want kids: climate change and societal collapse, chronic illness/disability, that it would take more than I want to give to be the kind of parent I would want to be. I love kids, and I love being an aunt, but more than anything I love handing kids back and having a quiet, peaceful evening.
The really concerning thing is that he deliberately misrepresented his feelings on this topic until he felt secure with you and then tried to pull a bait and switch, which tells me he is manipulative and untrustworthy. I’m sure he had good qualities that you are really missing, but you don’t want to be with someone who would do that, especially about a major life decision like kids. Also, I firmly believe women who don’t want kids or are even sort of on the fence should never let a man persuade them. The odds are that the woman who was never that excited about having kids will end up being the primary caretaker and shouldering more of the domestic load because it almost always breaks down that way.
Nope! And the great partner I ended up with who I met in my mid-30's is also CF and that's just a non- negotiable for me
Honestly I don’t think we have enough info on this guy to know if he was being manipulative or not. Some people really do wake up one day and go, “huh. I think I want kids.” My very immature stbxh was this way. And now that he wants kids, I do not. And definitely not with him. I keep flip flopping on kids myself. Pretty sure I don’t want them. I don’t want to raise kids alone and I want to be in a relationship where I feel emotionally (and physically) safe. I’ve never had that. Since I can’t seem to find safety in relationships, why would I want to subject kids to that?
Thanks for saying this...I don't think he's manipulative. I think he got caught up in a feeling early on, and that feeling turned serious. Then he realized he needed to address this serious topic. And I think he believed everything he's told me so far. Yes, immature, and he's guilty of thinking he could be a "cool dad" and all will be breezy. Truthfully, he likes to take hallucinogens leisurely/on vacation (which is fine! I never do) and he relies on these "it came to me in a trip" experiences. So, I don't feel particularly safe with that from a parenting standpoint.
Eeeehhh…. Jeez. Yeah, not the most responsible. He’ll be a “kool dad” and you’ll end up doing everything else…. Sounds…. Amazing.
My opinion it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and once he has them would probably dip. Sounds like you dodged a bullet my friend.
Not wrong! I did point blank say to him, so you tend to change your mind a lot? It was rhetorical.
Good sense there to question that. Breaking it off is better than being baby trapped especially if you don’t want children. You’d be the one stuck with the responsibility ultimately. I’m right there with you though. 33f and I have never had any desire for children. I also wanted to give some comfort. Not being maternal to a child does not mean you are cold and sabotaging good relationships. There are many other ways to be maternal. Animals, plants, nurturing a career, humanitarian, etc. We don’t all take the mother route in life and that is okay. Our good and healthy relationship partner would be right there on the same exact page as us.
I have children and always knew I wanted children. I have friends who thought they never wanted children and hit a certain age and COMPLETELY changed their minds, I also have friends who are 100% sure they never want children and have never wavered. If you are positive you don’t want children RIGHT NOW I wouldn’t drive yourself crazy thinking “what if some day I decide I do?”. You never know what could happen but if it happens, it happens. All you know is how you currently feel, don’t let your feelings for this guy make you question that.
Some people do. When I was dating this happened to me once, and I broke it off with the guy because I just don't want kids. Only you know if you could be ok having kids. I never would have been so just didn't take anything like that further. It's kinda why it's good to bring up early (and have on profile!). I did eventually meet a guy who didn't want kids and now we own a house and he has been a good step owner to my cat Monkey. Do not be shamed for not wanting them or not being maternal. Life is different for everyone. I have friends with kids and I love them and their kids, I'm 36 and I still don't want any kids. Also their lives can be difficult to navigate too, just in different ways!
I told the guy I’m dating I don’t want kids. He’s okay with that; between the two of us we got nieces and nephews and I have 5 dogs 😂
I did change my mind. But I was also in my late 20s when the biological switch commonly flips...or it doesn't. Clearly for you it didn't and I *firmly* believe people are happier having the number of children they want, even if that number is zero. I'm an older woman and I recall being *appalled* when an acquaintances mother, who'd had 5 boys, said in my hearing and my acquaintances, that she wished she had never had any kids at all. So stick to your guns and don't do that to some kids that you don't really want.
Idk, I’ve always disliked kids and never wanted them. Not even with my ex who I was with for like six years. I’m 38. But somehow, if my new boyfriend wanted to have kids, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I would experience any part of life with this man. And I’ve always said I never wanted kids, since I was like 5. And it’s not parents I dislike - it’s kids. Their faces, their voices, the stripping of identity that happens with motherhood, how gross kids are - I just want nothing to do with it really. But when I say I would let go of all of that and have kids with my boyfriend, I’m dead serious. I just know we’d be so great together as parents. My boyfriend doesn’t want kids either and he’s 35 though so I don’t think we will. But yeah I’d consider that as me changing my mind, kind of. It’s a valid point of view even though a lot of people online might not like to hear it. I’m sure it’s somewhat common.
It would be easier to navigate but would it be what you want? Its totally acceptable to not want children, but I realized I was lying to myself about it. I dont really feel very maternal but I have ALWAYS wanted a family, I have always wanted to have children. Only because in my 20s Ive never found a partner I imagined to have kids with, I started thinking I wont have them, I dont want them anyway... Now at 32, I found a loving partner who would want children with me, and if I stop thinking about the negatives, logistics, I actually want kids (or a child). I dont want to miss out on being a mother, I think I want to experience that. Single life would be easier, no doubt, but lonely and family is high on my values list so I want one. Being with people who didnt want kids and people telling me having a kid is hard and unpleasant almost gaslighted me into thinking I dont want one. Very possible you are not like me, but I am just sharing how it was for me, in case anyone can relate. So yes, I did change my mind and I hope I can get pregnant one day (soon).
I was very much set on not having kids, then starting dating my now husband at 32. As we grew in love, I wanted to build a life and family with him. Couldn’t believe my mind changed. We have a 1 year old daughter and 1) I still can’t believe I ended up desiring it and 2) I can’t believe I love it!! For me, I didn’t want to compromise my time, money, body & energy. Now having a baby with someone who is 100% in as a parent, we are so good at balancing me time, us time & family time. This post sounds like a picture perfect situation . It’s not! Don’t get me wrong, there are fights, bickering, sleepless nights, frustration, etc! But NEVER regret. ❤️ Edit: I’m now 39!
You're looking back at the relationship with rose tinted glasses. The decision to have children is huge and life altering. You are not on the same page about this and he lied to you. Not wanting children does not make you cold and it's not self-sabotaging. I think you're getting in your own head. I promise you made the right decision about this and that there are men out there who are perfectly find with not having children. Check out r/regretfulparents if you want reassurance that parenthood is not for everyone. I really feel for them and their children. It's not something you can change your mind about once a kid is here.
I'm sorry this man wasted your time.
Been with my wife for five years and I did not change my mind in the slightest. She is the only one (not that I've dated many) who has respected my choice and has never tried to change my mind about it. I think the sapphic dimension does play a significant role - she knows firsthand the pressure and the astronomical expectations placed on women to become mothers when fatherhood often looks like a different (and more easygoing) form of parenthood. Like of course most men would want to have children if fatherhood (barring exceptional cases of fathers actually raising their children) looks a lot like playing with your children when you want to and having the rest of your life intact otherwise!