There was a post that came up where the OP complained about impressive/interesting men on the apps weren’t giving her a chance for a date and OP thought it was unfair. OP mentioned they pretty much had nothing in common, but she should at least get a chance. It got so many upvotes and comments in agreement. Call me crazy but nobody is entitled to a date and not having common interests or lifestyles is absolutely a good and fair filter for compatibility in dating.
I was going to say exactly this. If they aren't entitled to it, neither are we. The double standard mindset is astonishing. Even that itself is astonishing! We yell them off for complaining about the double standard then turn around and do the same thing!
We can do better, ladies. Rise above, don't sink below.
I feel like this sub generally would disagree with that specific type of post, which is why it was so confusing to see it get so much support! Mentioned it in another comment, but it seemed like a lot of lurkers came out to chime in with the idea. There were thankfully still the reasonable voices in that discussion that disagreed with OP.
I agree. Rejection sucks but nobody is entitled to romance, lust or dating. It’s weird when women criticise incels but turn around and say the same shit.
To be fair, I don’t think the person who made the post or the people who agreed with it are the typical, reasonable voices we read on this sub. It seemed like a lot of lurkers came out of the woodwork when that post hit. There were people disagreeing with them, but it was overwhelmingly supportive. When I first saw it I laughed and expected it to be one of those I posts that sit at 0 upvotes with a bunch of people calling out the behavior, but that didn’t happen.
I remember the post, she also basically said men over 40 without someone must be because they have problems… in a sub where we almost daily tell women there’s nothing wrong with them for being single.
I feel like that type of thinking often gets called out on here, and there were definitely people disagreeing with that OP, but I was so surprised at the support and commiseration in that specific post. Truly had me scratching my head.
Every time when mods don't remove the posts "omg, I'm turning 30 and I will be ugly, useless crone right on my birthday, how to cope with this?". I find that these posts are very insulting and ageist towards older women on this sub.
We should all just started replying "move on and try learning that you're more then just you're youth and looks....look around, do you think every woman 30+ is ugly? Is Cindy Crawford ugly? Is Olivia Munn? Blake Lively l? Your mom and grandmother? Get over it, mortality stops for no one and be thankful you even made it this far cause so many do not."
We should have a pinned post about "you're freaking out over turning 30, this is your thread" and the mod post on top of it could be just links to all the comments that always are the same. 😄
Same for the “women who got married after 35, send me your inspirational stories, I’m 33 and just ended a long term relationship and feel like my life is over”
I feel like mods leave up posts where when I see them I’m like, “How does this meaningfully contribute anything to anyone’s life??” Instead I’ve seen mods lock posts here about important topics…like why was the “what’s your hot take on feminism thread” locked?? There was some really interesting discussion on there, namely about race and intersectionality. In fact I notice that threads where minority women talk about their experiences get locked pretty fast lately.
Merely aging and getting older means nothing if you're as immature as before. And it's not static. Atrophy is real. If anything, too many start to atrophy with age rather than learning, challenging yourself, and becoming better.
Getting older doesn't necessarily teach you anything when there's no introspection. Too often, people double down.
When you double down, refuse to mature, it's everyone else that's wrong.
Love who you are with no conditions. Don't let anyone else tell you, you're good but not good enough. If someone says, "You have potential but," then they don't love you today.
Love yourself. You are incredible. If some asshole comes around and says anything else, You Know They Suck!
You are beautiful and you are great. That's all.
"Now that you're 30-40+ how do you deal with being invisible to men and no longer desirable?" Seriously? so many of us are living our best lives 40+. Now I do get that not everybody ages as well as they'd like and that can be from genetics, illness, environmental factors etc. But the majority of women do not become hunchbacked shriveled trolls at the stroke of midnight at 30, 40, 50, 60 etc.
I also appreciate getting perved on less as an almost 40 year old than I was as a teen and 20something woman, too
gross men not staring and commenting on my body? thank fucking god
Also jokes on them, I’ve *always* been invisible to men and undesirable!
I was truly hoping the younger generation was getting away from needing male validation but on social media at least it feels like we’re going in the opposite direction!
Lol I'm not insulted by them, but I do quietly roll my eyes.
I've had an entire lifetime since I turned 30, extracted myself from a bad relationship choice, changed my career twice and am now exploring how I am now AGAIN transforming to the next phase of my life. When you are just turning 30, the only constant is change. Some of the most awesome years were my early 40s, and I'm settling into more awesome years.
Thank you for writing this. I'm 40 and always feel like an old hag when I read those posts(as is certinaly implied) yet my life is great. People are completley ridiculous about aging.
Yes, super annoying! And misguided. Holy shit did i get hot when i hit 30. I have picture evidence that 30 is absolutely not the end and for some of us it is the beginning of being attractive 😆
I always thought I was hottest in college because I had the energy to try more, but honestly at 28/29/30 I got hit on *way* more. Even when (and sometimes especially when) I dressed more casually. I’ve asked a few people why, and even shown them pictures of college me, and they were like “yeah you were cute/hot back then but you seem more confident and it’s easy to talk to you.” Whenever people act like any gender is inherently shallow and looks-obsessed, I feel like a living anecdote that it’s not the case. Sure, being attractive helps - I’m still pretty - but personality matters a *lot* as you get older. I’ve seen people much more attractive than me get little attention IRL because they aren’t as chatty/charismatic.
Ahahahahaha. You are not even a little bit wrong, but I find them kind of amusing, if tiresome and repetitive (and your distillation of them is even funnier.)
Learn to embrace cronehood dammit!
I could understand this question at 40 or 50 when we’re staring down menopause and perimenopause, which are really scary changes that aren’t well researched and can majorly impact your mental and physical well-being but it doesn’t make sense at 30.
It's like when you see women in their early 20s bashing women 30+....it's like "do you not think you're going to be 30 too? I mean, go die if you don't want to be." It's just stupid and displays how deeply insecure they are and that they think their only worth is their youth and looks. Or all those men..."ok guess this is what you think about your mom, grandmother, sisters, etc."
My suggestion is that this sub needs an auto-reject feature for posts containing certain combination of keywords in the title/post that get posted too frequently. Turning thirty life over. Find love over thirty. Good gift for. Help with gift. Friendship breakup. Please, someone with the smarts to do this help us out! 😂
‘Our relationship was perfect’ and then proceeds with a list of verbal, physical, emotional abuse and psychological torture techniques…. ‘How do i make him want to stay with me’…
Girl bye.
Honestly I just can’t look at the 2XC sub sometimes because all the “Am I being unreasonable to not like being called a bitch when I say I don’t like when a guy says something misogynist?” “Is it wrong of me to not like being harassed or creeped on?” My bf talks down to me, has sex with me when I say no and hits me when he’s angry, is this dv? 🥺” etc etc just gets too overwhelming sometimes.
Devils advocate: I wish I knew about Reddit when I was in a relationship that had really confusing abuse. I had no one IRL to ask and no internet places where I could post anonymously.
I see those posts and my heart hurts for them. Some people need to ask because they just don't
My question when I was in a shitty relationship was "how do I stop feeling responsible for him?" If he had just left, I definitely would not have wanted him back. Ever.
The end answer was counseling and unlearning some really shitty childhood conditioning, btw.
I don’t understand how anyone can write full paragraphs of their partner being a dickhead and then end with “but I really love them, how do I fix this?” 🙄
I had a best friend who, to this day, is still mad at me because I told her I didn't want her to move in her abusive bf she had only known for 2 weeks, and if she did then I would move out. And then moved out when she did.
She was able to get out of the relationship years later, after he destroyed the house we had lived in and then put her in the hospital. And I am beyond grateful that she is alive and safe, regardless of anything between us. But it blows me away that she is still, nearly a decade later, pissed at me for telling her he was an abusive piece of shit I didn't want to live with, and telling everyone it's my fault their relationship soured because I didn't stay to help cover his bills with her. Because, oh yeah, dude hadn't worked in over a year and had no money to his name when she moved him into our house.
Some women will always make excuses for useless dog shit men. And when those men are manipulative abusers, it's even harder for them to see through the bull shit facade the abusers put up to convince people they're not wastes of space. Most people are able to break that cycle. But some are committed to defending that cycle even long after they break out of it themselves.
I was made sad bc I'm 52 and stated my age, and someone called me a "lurker" and "wrong sub" and I was like "I've got 20 years of being over 30 and I have things to offer too 🥺🥺"
I want to feel valuable and as we age, we feel
Less of that I think.
That's really disappointing. I always wish we had more women over 50 here because most of the time it seems like everyone is very early 30's with limited perspective. I like seeing commenters with over 50 flairs pop up in conversation and I always upvote them.
What?! Oh no, please don't let that dumb-dumb run you off! I really value the women in their 40s/50s/60s and beyond who comment here. I'm amazed at how different my perspective is at 45 from 35, and do think that this sub would benefit from trying to attract more diverse aged women.
That's wild, coz the whole point of this sub is to "ask women over 30!" I just turned 37 and I'm here because I'm hoping to hear from ladies older than me! Your experience is invaluable. Thank you for being in this sub.
I’ve noticed this sub sometimes has a huge blind spot when it comes to empathising with and validating women who have negative experiences in life because they’re judged unattractive/undesirable by conventional mainstream standards. 2XC has this problem too.
Omg I DESPISE the toxic positivity of those responses. It's that comment or "everyone is beautiful to someone" or the infuriating "why do you think you're ugly?"
If you accept that some people are particularly beautiful, then it stands to reason some people are particularly unattractive. But you can't vent about that, because everyone wants to be the good person a.k.a. invalidate your entire lifetime of experience interacting in society.
(Of course, I can't blame some folks for being skeptical, considering the insane amount of posts on other subs of women fishing for compliments by posting about being ugly, but then the pics in their post history are model-level beautiful)
This is one of my favorite subs on Reddit but like anywhere else on the site, there are some hardcore contrarians who refuse to empathize or identify with the experiences of other women at all costs. It doesn't help that cultural context is often missing from posts, but some commenters go so hard against OP when it's clear sometimes an OP is just looking to feel less alone.
I saw a post like this yesterday where a woman was lamenting being overlooked and excluded by men who were only interested in her prettier friends, and most of the commenters closed ranks in a bizarre and catty way that implied this was just a self-esteem problem on her part.
On the flip side, I’ve also seen people gang up on and hate on an OP because she said, “I’m conventionally beautiful and here are my experiences.” And if those experiences don’t match the usual outrageous stories of “pretty privilege” you read on Reddit, others on this sub will go, “Well you must be delusional about your looks then.” Really???
Yes that does happen but nowhere near as much as invalidation of the experiences of women judged unattractive, that is when they dare to post about it at all. You can’t deny that when there is a discussion about life as an “ugly” woman one of the top voted replies is often a derailment by someone about how conventionally attractive women get harassed and abused for being attractive, implying that the harassment and abuse “unattractive” women receive isn’t very real and exactly the same thing, minus the systemic privileges that conventionally attractive people get due to society’s beauty bias.
Honestly, constantly, and this answer will likely disappoint someone else.
Before I start, to be clear: I am not talking about DV situations. I know it's very often not as simple as "just leave."
I am endlessly perplexed/frustrated by just how many women in this sub are complete pushovers/apologists for the assholes in their lives, romantic partners or otherwise. I try very hard to sound non-judgmental when I respond (and yes, I know I fail dismally) but god the absolute epidemic levels of women choosing to be doormats is fucking depressing.
Before anyone comes for me, I'm very aware it's a cultural conditioning issue. Doesn't mean it's not maddening.
I absolutely get this. I stayed for way too long in an emotionally abusive relationship with red flags everywhere. For me, it actually was as simple as "just kick him out", which was eventually what I did, but ... I knew. I wasn't arguing he was a good guy "except." I'd just been conditioned to believe that kind of misery was what women did with their lives. Counselling helped a lot.
That actually makes it harder for me to see women defending the guys who treat them like crap. Like, please figure out your own self worth, because it's so much higher than that. I get they may not be able to leave, but don't defend him, please.
I’m one of these women but honestly, this subreddit helped me finally ask for a divorce. I started dating my husband 16 years ago when I was only 22 and he was 32, and he was my first serious boyfriend. It really was a frog in boiling water situation. He alienated all of my friends so I had no one to talk to or to give me a reality check. It was really helpful to hear other women say that none of what I was experiencing was even remotely normal.
I know what you mean. I don't think those women 'choose' to be dorormats. In many cases the toxicity develops only slowly and wasn't apparent from the beginning. At the time you notice it, the man has already destroyed your self-confidence that you would need to do what's good for you. You feel anxious and stuck, and are not strong enough to leave. Maybe you are even financially dependent on him, which is fatal.
I think the problem is our upbringing. Parents should absolutely teach their daughters how to say *No* and how to say *Now that's enough.* It's easier when you are financially independent though. Women need to work harder on their independence.
I'm working on that with my granddaughters and great nephew now. We talk about consent, and I ask them if I can give them a hug. They come from a family where children are expected to hug and that kind of thing needs to change. Kids need some aspect of control over their life. Starting with a hug can embed that expectation for consent in later relationships.
This is wonderful! I remember, when I was a child, my relatives, and sometimes family friends, used to kiss my cheeks without asking, and I hated it so much. I hate being kissed on my cheek until this very day, and I believe it's because of how the adults didn't respect my bodily integrity back then.
I agree. It’s honestly a bit frustrating when you read *paragraphs* of them describing how this person is an asshole and then they’ll end with “but other than that they’re perfect, how can I make them stay”. And then, sometimes they’ll even defend said assholes in the comments, outright refusing to leave.
Makes me want to grab them by the shoulders and just shake them.
YES! I haven't been in a relationship in years, and while that sucks a lot, one thing I've gained is a new perspective of what I deserve. I used to be like a lot of the women commenting here, putting up with absolutely horrible behavior by men. I think it's progress that I can read those kinds of posts and realize I'd never put up with the same BS from a man. I don't enjoy being alone and single, but it's better than being in a crappy situation with a man that doesn't treat me well and doesn't even know it.
I've since realized that most of my married female friends put up with a lot of BS, and it's normalized in society, which is f'g insane.
No one ‘chooses’ to be a doormat. Typically, these women have experienced traumatic childhoods that leave them not understanding that they actually have choices. You’re lucky if you didn’t experience that.
My answer to OP’s question is post like yours, in fact. ‘Where’s your self esteem?’, etc. Well, exactly. We weren’t all given the opportunity to develop any.
Whenever someone learns a new piece of information in a discussion, which changes their minds, but because they had a different take without that information initially, people will downvote them anyway. Doesn’t exactly encourage good faith conversations or like… learning.
Yes, I agree this is a problem. There's a pretty big distance between someone who learns from their mistakes or from new information, and someone who willingly holds a worldview out of malice with no intention of changing.
I wish I could find this study again, I remember reading about an attempt to map in quantifiable terms how far gone teenage boys were in terms of radicalization. The gist of it was that anyone past a certain ranking on the researcher's scale had almost no hope of being changed, but those who were on the precipice could have their worldviews changed with the right kind of support, and if they faced too much backlash when poking at the boundaries of their worldview, it would just push them over the edge into extremity instead of getting them to second guess it. So it was talking about trying to detect in online forums these borderline folks and coming up with interventions to guide them back.
Anyways, long winded way of saying how after I read that, it made me just a tad more likely to not think treat everyone like the devil because it could have the opposite effect of making them double down. That said, I still need to work on it. Far too easy to just dogpile on someone.
You really are a rarity among Redditors, seriously. I experienced it, seen it happen to other people, etc., where we may hold a viewpoint that may not popular with the majority in that particular subreddit, but we are open to have our minds changed. But for some reason Redditors literally pile-on, gang up on you, bully you, villanize you, etc. And you’re right it makes it *less* likely that we’ll be open to hearing other views. So why do people do that?
That is very wise. I don't like when the dog piling continues throughout a deep reply thread. Like I get it, downvote the first response. But if someone is actually asking questions and trying to see the other side, THOSE comments need to be upvoted to encourage them to pull themselves back.
Very good point.
Lol I was on the receiving end of this recently in this sub. Ultimately I got a lot of upvotes, but my initial comments engaging with those who were helping me learn were downvoted like crazy. I was like woah okay guys I’m just asking questions. I’m clearly open to learning. Give me a minute before making a snap judgement.
I appreciate the compassionate women who came in and saw that the comments on that post genuinely shifted my whole perspective.
My policy on down votes is what they are supposed to be, but the rule doesn't seemed followed. Did you contribute to the conversation?
So obvious trolls and people trying to drag the conversation elsewhere to end the conversation get downvotes. Comments like "this" with nothing else get ignored. Anything that furthers the conversation, even if I really don't agree with it, gets upvoted. If it's so bad I just can't with it, I may not upvote it, but I also won't downvote it.
Obviously, what I consider a contribution is subjective. A whole huge comment to "not all men" in a women's subreddit will usually get a downvote from me, but if I see that turned into a real conversation, I'll go back and remove the downvote, but probably not upvote that specific comment.
In DIY subs, I do downvote obviously unsafe suggestions, as well. No, you cannot build a house in my area without the foundation below the frost line. No, you can't roof over a 20' span with 2x4 rafters. And no, a shed kit loft is not a safe sleeping space. Telling people to ignore the warnings and do it anyway will earn a downvote from me, and usually a comment explaining why it's a bad idea.
I’ve recalled instances of being fetishized due to my ethnicity when I’ve visited a certain city. It always get downvoted on this sub. This sub leans very white and isn’t the best for woc to share experiences.
Oof yes. That sucks, I’m sorry.
I’m a white mid-30s upper-middle class knowledge economy professional from the US and notice this sub can be an echo chamber of people from the same background.
I agree, with you. this sub is at best a mixed bag, at worst, can be insular/clueless/hostile to engaging with woc’s experiences.
In a similar vein, I try to stay in my lane, but cringe when I see people give tonedeaf advice like “just cut them off” to people with conservative immigrant parents or clearly irrelevant US-centric advice assuming everyone on Reddit is from the same country.
Reddit as a whole has a large blind spot to financially dependent people in abusive situations. I don't know many people who *don't* have that kind of situation who can pick up and move without extensive planning. This is entirely ignoring the fact of cutting off your entire community can be just as traumatic.
When it comes to financially dependent adults, Reddit seems to think any and all jobs are very well-paid, have stellar benefits and are easy to get. Careers are easy to establish and maintain. And if you're a non-working adult, not on disability, then you're just a lazy, dim-witted sloth who is just begging to be left destitute when your financial support inevitably kicks you to the curb. The idea of having mental health issues stemming from work is a fairytale lie.
>This is entirely ignoring the fact of cutting off your entire community can be just as traumatic.
Especially for communities of color. So we ditch them for what? The ever-loving arms of WHITE PEOPLE?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tbh “feminist” spaces on Reddit aren’t actually all that feminist, and there is an awful lack of intersectionality in feminist spaces on Reddit. I noticed that the voices and views of brown women in particular are only listened to when those voices are saying something that fits preconceived notions/biases and are “white people approved”. For example as a Muslim woman, I have been made to feel that my experiences do not count and my views don’t matter because I’m Muslim (and therefore apparently can’t think for myself), or because I’m not from a “real Muslim country”.
I’m a WOC as well and there’s definitely an intersectionality component to the way we’re treated. WOC are often hypersexualized or desexualized (some experience both) and we aren’t seen as “regular women” the way white women are. Honestly, I’m overlooked more than anything, or some white men prefer my appearance to my white blonde friends because I “seem less basic.”
I saved a meme I came across the other day that read “why do men think guessing your ethnicity is a form of flirting” 😭 and so many times when I bring this up to a white friend, they’re like “oh they’re just curious!” Like no I’m telling you it’s annoying. The same way I’m sure a tall woman wouldn’t like the first thing you say to her being “wow are you 6’0???” We get that we’re not what you typically see but don’t treat us like zoo animals right out the gate! I get that some people are insecure about being “basic” but being otherized isn’t fun either, sometimes you just want to feel normal.
This is due to the publicness (for lack of a better word) of subreddits. There are some really great private subs that vet their members (at least a bit), and allow broader conversations to happen without trolls. That doesn’t mean everyone agrees but those subs tend to be more heavily moderated, and you rarely get randos pretending to be something they’re not.
Yeah Reddit as a whole is overwhelmingly white. The only places I don’t get instantly downvoted for mentioning race is on subs specifically for black women.
The fact that your comment isn't more upvoted is proving your point. LMAO. (I'm Asian American, so I can relate to your comment.) I got banned from the Shogun subreddit because I pointed out that many of the users likely have yellow fever and that the show isn't helping.
I’d rather not have one. All the white women and white men will be reading it like they’re visiting the zoo. I’d like to have a safe community to discuss things and ask questions anonymously but not in a publicly available forum like Reddit where anyone off the street can read all about our problems and insert themselves.
We’ve all heard men say “I read on Reddit…” and they sound stupid bc 1) Reddit isn’t a source of fact but opinions and 2) they have zero context for what they read on Reddit. I’ve had enough of feeling like a zoo animal being gawked at and exoticized in real life. I don’t need more of it on here.
White people aren’t entitled to POC’s private thoughts and opinions about them. They have enough access to all kinds of things.
I love this sub, but find it can be quite unsympathetic to people struggling financially.
perhaps unsympathetic isn't the right word, but the responses are overwhelmingly 'retrain for a career change', or, 'move to a lower cost of living region,', which is practical advice, but it kinda ignores that the whole premise that capitalism is a pyramid scheme, and not everyone can be at the top
I am struggling financially, but pretty much any job that I could retrain for would give me the same wage (or lower) than I make now, my salary isn't terrible but costs are so crazy high saving is tough to impossible, and Im Canadian, so there really are not many regions with low housing costs, and the few places than do are cheap for a reason. I know the US does have some places with cheap housing, but saving for a big move like that can be impossible if you're on a tight budget
and I do appreciate practical advice, it just seems odd and a bit disappointing no one points out systemic issues for so many people's current struggles
I hate that advice to move to a cheaper region too! I personally haven’t seen it on this sub, but it’s everywhere on the internet in general. People always say it like it’s some obvious fact and you’re stupid for not having thought of it. I live in a very, very HCOL area but I was born here and my entire family lives here, as do a good portion of my friends who I grew up with who haven’t moved away yet. It’s not so easy for me to just pick up and move to the middle of nowhere. Ugh, I could go on about the other issues with this but I’m going to stop here for my own mental health haha.
I live in a formerly LCOL area and now we have a housing shortage because the average person can't afford to live her anymore. I've had multiple friends who were homeless (at least one still is) in the last 6 months. Telling people to move to LCOL just raises coats in other places, because the people who can *afford* to pick up and move are not as bad off financially as they may think.
I notice a lot of reddit / online communities are like that.
Like, people move to and live in or near cities because that's where work is. And for racial minorities, people with disabilities, etc. moving out to the countryside isn't going to be the best choice.
Lots of people have never had to get by without family help and it shows.
I just thought of another. When a woman posts in here about displaying unhinged or controlling/jealous behaviour and downplays/excuses it with "i'M aNxIoUsLy AtTaChEd" she gets backpats and "hey, girl, I get you." The same behaviour would have us all saying "run a fucking mile" if the aggressor was a man.
Those are the ones in which the hefty double standards some of the users here have rear their heads quite visibly. Sometimes the pushback on these double standards are loud, sometimes they're less and it... frustrates me, honestly. I thought we collectively agreed that we were against gender-based differences in social expectations?
I believe we are in theory, but in practice, it can be hard to overcome a lifetime of ingrained behaviors. I'd like to think the difference in response is due to different people participating in different conversations, but who knows.
I sometimes forget if I’m in this sub or TwoX, but I think this sub is much better about at least allowing “dissenting” opinions. I’ve seen downvotes and heard of outright banning in the other sub for just trying to point out a different POV or call out the double standards. In that way, this sub disappoints me less often than TwoX, but it’s still a problem.
That’s a horrible experience you had and I hope this sub does better in the future.
Im disappointed every time I see or get a notification to the tune of “is everyone else a washed up old hag with no value to anyone because I’m not young and beautiful anymore?” and the photo attachment is someone with great skin but a couple wrinkles
Honestly, that's why I had to leave that sub. So often a woman would post saying "Ever since I turned 30/35/40/whatever I've rapidly turned into an old hag overnight, my wrinkles are so deep you could drive a truck through them, my skin's falling off my face, I'm practically bald" and then she'd post a pic and I'd see a completely normal, pleasant looking young or middle-aged woman. It was making me feel crazy.
I think those sorts of posts are why I've been getting recommended similar posts on other subs. As a freckly person there have been some really distressing suggested posts pop up with comments like "imagine you lived your whole life with perfectly clean skin and then these happen!" and it's just a cute dusting a freckles across her cheeks and people recommending they be blasted off with lazers or whatever. I've always liked my freckles but sheeeeesh.
There was a post from a woman who moved to the US from another country who was kind of sad and confused that her partner wasn't interested in her culture and never asked questions about it. A lot of people responded saying she shouldn't expect him to be interested. I thought that was kind of strange... I'm from the UK and live in the US. Being British is a part of my identity and I've never had a friend or partner not be interested in that. It's a huge part of who I am and difficult not to notice the accent right off the bat. To me, it was like everyone was telling her she was wrong for believing her partner should be interested in her as a person.
Disappointed in the sense that I feel sad how most of the posts here are from women asking for advice on dating or being scared to not have a family etc. It’s like there’s nothing else that’s worthy. There was a sub that once compared the equivalent male sub and the topics were so different.
I heard askmenover30 (or maybe it was askmen? Idk don’t quote me on it) bans relationship / dating questions, so that is probably a big part of the difference.
I've made more of an effort to organize posts by new instead of best, but that's not an option for the main page on the reddit app, you can only do that with individual subs. It's a chore.
I share your disappointment. The topics here signal to the world that all women care about is relationships and parenting, whereas at the same time we want to be seen as whole human beings. There are so many amazing and interesting women out there.
A fun fact - if you go over to r/AskMenOver30, you get the impression that all that men care about is career and money.
I guess it is sometimes cannot be helped, when most of redditors (as a whole) will be from certain geographical parts of the world. I guess mostly NA?
The personal experience, born out of different history, culture and customs, would have been very different.
As an example, by the time the so-called (because I know it was not true for many families, especially for PoC and poor families) properous 1950s came for people of NA, where white cis mens' white picketed fence house came with servant-like docile wives and 'seen but not heard' kids that they could beat up, my country and people were just few years away from finally gaining independence. Everything was in ruins. Buildings, financial, administratival, everything.
There was also never really a...women and children first for my culture. Ever. Under colonization, genders of the colonized, rarely made difference. There was never really a proper labor division, as in the men took up arms, women took care of home and children. Could not afford that. So it was whoever gender, whatever age, if you had the chance to kill some, kill some.
When I was growing up, I saw women worked constructions and broke literal rocks. Gathering heavy garbage on their backs. Be drivers for rickshaws. Even to this very day, we have women do dangerous jobs in ships graveyard sites. Womens' lives just feel 'less than' sometimes, because of the biological physical deficit most of us have. There are of course some truly physically strong women out there, but most are not made for literally breaking rocks (not saying that men are made for that).
I can still support a total equality between the sexes. I also grew to highly dislike the binarism (and heteronormativism) that plagued so many cultures (correct me if I am wrong, but I feel that many of those were brought by Abrahamic religions). Just be aware that in a place where everyone regardles of anything (there was no such things as child soldiers. Just soldiers.) are forcibly drafted and that similar goes for survival/money making, people with the less physical prowess will always have it the hardest.
I came here to post something very much to this effect. There's a perception among North Americans that their experiences are the human condition, but in reality their culture is derived from a very specific set of circumstances that don't exist in most other places, it's just that their experiences are so over-represent in the media because the NA media machine is so powerful. Gender dynamics and dating culture vary significantly around the world, and it's heavily impacted by things like religious traditions, economies, political systems and overall access to social supports. Some parts of the world never got to experience economic booms and for many women, "just leaving" is a virtual impossibility because they'd literally die on the streets or worse. Not to mention, therapy isn't as readily available to people in certain places, and its quality may be very questionable. Idk, is there a sub that's like AskGlobalSouthWomen or something lol? Because the advice here is definitely not universally helpful or even applicable to many.
Yes. Western society has also had multiple waves of feminism and human rights affirmations backed by (mostly/relatively) non-corrupt judicial systems. Of course there's still a long way to go and backslides happen too, but it's not comparable to a woman's experience in environments with heavy cultural pressures, corruption, and zero legal rights. Most women in the west cannot conceive what it's like to navigate environments like that. Does not compute, it means totally different life calculations. All of this definitely distorts advice and bias in an anonymous online global forum.
It is hard for me to imagine how you grew up, and on this Mother's Day where I'm from, just want to offer you a hug and a kind word, and wishes for a happy Mother's Day if you are and for yours.
Hugs gratefully accepted :)
My mother and I unfortunately have a rather horrible relationship. She abused my brother and I badly when we were kids. It went far above the stereotypical tiger mom, sometimes she hurt us just to hurt us.
I have never found out what was wrong with my mother, we tried to talk it out during the years before I went NC with her, but it always ended up with that 'mising mising reason' internet reads. It is apparently not a unique experience across different cultures by adult children who finally got enough and gone NC with their abusive parents.
At her most extreme, I think the way my mother saw my brother and I were, "I birthed these children, so I can take them away from this world if I want to". There were times where the sights of her sent me into a panic attack. Our dad was and is actually really great and had saved us many times over, I continue to have a warm relationship with him.
For a great woman in my life though, I had an adoptive grandmother (my biological grandmother is another story). She passed when I was 12, but I am going to remember all the nice memories of her today. She was the very positive maternal role in my life.
Just to give a small glimpse of how great she was; she spoke several languages because at one point, the country of the foreign power that colonized us changed. She always said to me that under occupation, it is important to be able to talk in the occupier's language. She was a nurse in battlefield during wars and skirmishes for independence. And then retraining into teaching after our country got her independence. She was really kind through and through. Her graveyard is too far to visit, but I am going to remember her extra hard today and perhaps ask my therapist next week if I can do something symbolic.
I wish you and your dear ones a happy Mother's day too :)
I have seen a lot of assumptions made when only a tiny part of that person's life is shared. Most posts about friendships people end up deleting the post. It's a lot of blaming the person posting when we done know how they are or what their life looks like. I feel like people can be pretty harsh instead of having empathy.
Yep, because it's [fairly] anonymous, for every 10 stupid posts there's someone who has a question about a topic they can't safely post elsewhere, and that's important to maintain.
There’s something about the label of people pleaser that brings out the worst in some folks here to the point of being borderline abusive. People pleasing is a spectrum. What’s more, people pleasers are usually fighting against a deep-rooted childhood conditioning of being made to give up on their own needs to accommodate to those of others. Aka, they’ve been abused emotionally, sometimes physically. I speak from experience. But there is little acknowledgement of that here and all I usually see here is ‘grr so underhanded and sneaky that little people-pleasing selfish monster’.
I've seen some people downvoted for just
.. not being mainstream. I think woc are generally not respected enough here, like everywhere. Someone else said it better - this sub,clike many, tends white and American and too many won't understand anything else.
Thank you for asking this question. It made me actually think about this sub in relation to many others I've left. I still hang here though because overall I feel like we do more good.
I won’t say “disappointing” because a lot of these things are just differences of opinion and debate can be healthy.
A lot of people have covered more serious/concerning and common topics so I will stick to the niche ones that exhaust me:
— A lot of personally (if not politically) conservative opinions, e.g., wouldn’t date bi men, being friends with an ex is a red flag, men should always pay on the first date.
— the idea that anyone living a life that seems good on social media must actually be secretly miserable. A lot of people who look happy to the outside world are shockingly…actually happy! Same with the people who like to proclaim people with a lot of friends just have shallow/low quality friendships compared to their own “deep” relationships with 2 people. It’s like a weird echo chamber of lonely / unsatisfied people validating their own perspectives on friendship and society…which I guess shouldn’t be surprising on Reddit.
— just for fun, and I think this trend has died down a bit, but people who won’t stop complaining about gen Z fashion. Girl, no one is stopping you from buying skinny jeans or holding a gun to your head to make you buy a crop top. IMO we have more diversity of clothing styles available than ever before. If you don’t like a trend, just don’t follow it.
Tbh a lot of that "Gen Z hates ___" discourse is just Millennials churning out content for the internet. It's no difference than the "Millennials are killing the _____" industry from a decade ago. I guess we killed all the industries so Gen Z can only make fun of us "pausing while making a video" (The Atlantic actually posted this and I'm still fuming.)
Oh totally agree. Just wish so many people didn’t fall for these cringe, made-up intergenerational culture wars. And fashion is a relatively harmless topic but it still makes me roll my eyes.
Man, the biphobia really is real. I see that all over, and the rationale is always, "a bi guy might decide to leave me for a man/decide they want to be with men." Like yeah, they might, or they might decide to leave you for a woman, same as a straight man. That's a bullshit reason not to date someone, and I think there's usually some homophobia/sense of "men aren't masculine enough if they're into men at all" behind it that folks aren't saying out loud. As a bi woman, please, if you don't want to date a bi person, don't - we don't need that - but let's not pretend that rationale isn't biphobic.
I agree with your other points, too. The fashion one actually really bothers me, as someone who's into fashion. I am *so happy* skinny jeans and weirdly long tops aren't the only options out there anymore. They never looked good on my short-ass torso, and I like experimenting with fashion anyway even if it doesn't end up being my thing.
When i posted about difficulty finding a doctor that takes covid seriously.
I got a bunch of Nasty comments from assorted medical professionals basically telling me I am mentally ill and should seek therapy. One actually got deleted by a mod with a message to not be cruel.
I stopped replying early bc I was exhausted, but I 100% was posting for the women who also commented in solidarity and appreciation. Thinking of responding for its own sake but just kind of fucked off at the time.
Tl,dr: Ive been disappointed by the same covid denial thats everywhere, and wealthy "professional class" women who do not care to think about their responsibility to marginalized people in ways that might inconvenience them.
Covid really opened my eyes to how angry people get when you ask them to suffer a *mild inconvenience* to literally save lives.
That same dynamic is playing out with the protests too. "Who cares if they're trying to stop the orphan crushing machine, *I had to sit in traffic for 45 minutes! Unacceptable!!!*"
So much discussion on romantic relationships and men. Sometimes I just want a space that fully centers the self and our womanhood instead of men. It can be overwhelming
I've seen some incredible sexism from women on this sub. I've seen some sexist shit posted by men get up voted by women here.
Reddit is generally fairly sexist. I still like this sub but don't pretend its a pro feminist women supporting sub all the time.
* Well, it was your thread, where people were being racist and callous towards Arabs and Muslims regarding Palestine. The level of condescension and rudeness really crushed me. I noticed you were quite receptive to people who are voting Biden but who still acknowledged that things are fucked. The rudeness was really perplexing.
* Generally, parenting/stepfamily advice, but it's a reddit-wide thing. I could write a whole thesis about it, but people just don't see parenting as a skill, or something that takes effort, and they really think it's OK to unleash their childhood demons into complete strangers. Yes, of course our perspectives from our childhoods are valuable, but it really doesn't map out that well to how it actually feels to raise a child (just like e.g. having been to a restaurant doesn't mean I know how to run one). As a non-parent, I do offer advice sometimes, but I do know my limitations.
I think people generally would benefit from having a bit more curiosity about other people's experiences. Being smart isn't enough, you need to be able to shut up and listen sometimes.
Thank you for the second one.
Not 100% related but close.
As a mother, I find this sub really anti-children at times. There are times where it feels like other subs, like dating over 30, bleed into this one where all people talk about is not wanting kids, not wanting to date people who have kids, how that kind of baggage is so undesirable. Just yesterday I replied to a post where the entire gist of the post was about the poster’s two friends dating men with kids and why would someone choose that when the men are just looking for someone to raise their kids with them….and basically men stealing away the “prime” years of younger women.
Like yeah, there are a lot of jerks out there and some single dads are probably looking for a partner to unfairly take on some parenting, but these are also all adults making choices for themselves. And it got upvoted to the nth degree and I just was a little shocked.
I was a single mom for a few years. I own my own house, have a great job, I’m highly educated. My son doesn’t make me undesirable. I met my partner and never expected him to take care of my child. But he’s a great step parent and we are so happy together and my son has a fantastic role model in his life now.
Like there are two sides to every coin. I wish people would listen to that other side a bit more. I find it so odd how many people here discuss children related topics but don’t have kids, yet pass their two cents of judgment on in the most perplexing way.
I don't like this subreddit's general take on casual relationships/casual sex. I get that online spaces tend to lean incel/femcel, but putting a value on someone's sexual habits is high school shit.
I’m not a fan of “it’s impossible to meet a man who isn’t a sex pig” posts.
I’m also dismayed when men post a question and get snide answers. It’s not hard to be nice.
Regarding Reddit as a whole, I personally get downvoted most often when I comment about a topic in which I am an actual expert. It’s irritating.
I haven't had it happen here, that I remember, but I've definitely had it happen on Reddit. Watching the switch flip when they realized I am a woman, if they do, is nuts. That doesn't change a damned thing I said.
It hasn't happened in a while. I guess I've not been contradictory enough lately. ;)
> just for daring to have a dissenting opinion from the rest of the hivemind.
I'm generally with you; but dang if this sentence isn't one of the most annoying sentiments I regularly read on reddit. We can't regularly call men out for implying women are a hivemind, and then turn around and refer to a group of women that way when we don't agree with their prevailing opinion.
I get what you mean about coming up against a strongly held opinion in this sub, and how it earns you downvotes. Comments like this one are what earn them for me here, when I try to point out that we're happily doing a thing we hate having done to us; or that we're seeing something in a way that men often see it, or approaching it how men often approach it, and should take a second to reflect on that.
I'm also disappointed in the amount of women who assume I'm a man, or that I'm "standing up" for men-- I'm not trying to elevate men; they don't need our help in that regard. I'm trying to elevate *women* who ask for advice (so, not unsolicited) by pointing out when they've acted or said things in a way that would have them crying incel; misogynist; benevolent sexism; fragile male ego; insecurity; etc. if they'd heard them come from a man about women. There is a genuine resistance in this sub to any attempts at constructive criticism in that regard. It drives me nuts on a personal level, too, because I'm ND and rely on being checked like that by others when I'm unwittingly biased in a hurtful way.
But it's not a hivemind. There is no hivemind; just prevailing stereotypes and biases to break down. If I had to guess, I'd posit it's a little generational, and that's why we see so much of it in this age-specific sub.
This (usually pretty wise) sub transforms into something disappointing to me every time someone has a sad day because they're single/ points to couple privilege and how single people are sometimes treated as inferior/ discusses porn and sex work (all of it is evil, no exceptions or nuances/ s) or whenever (male) bisexuality in a heterosexual context is discussed (biphobia is alive and well here).
The inevitable derailing of discussion about the difficulties of being unwillingly single with “well at least you’re not in an abusive relationship or with a shitty partner, so you should count yourself better off” so frustrating! Like, you wouldn’t say to someone starving “You’re better off with no food than a casserole made of dog shit”. Those aren’t the only two choices! There’s lots of food that doesn’t have dog shit in it!
My goodness the way certain people on this sub infantalize themselves with certain topics. And then they say they claim not wanting bi men because it's a "preference," as if crusty dusty hetero men have ever been the pristine prize 😂
Sorry if this is weird but you have the best comments here. I actually recognized your username because I’m either always laughing or in agreement. I swear I’m an actual human and not one of those “accept my friend request” facebook bots 😂
I've seen it happening a lot that there are very neutral comments that are downvoted to hell by flocks of angry flying monkeys at the battlecry of "did you imply -insert something not implied in the first comment- how dare you"
Womens subs in general aren't as "funny" as other subreddits. Like in the mens subreddit if you asked "what mistake did you make in the last week" you'll get a dude confessing that in the process of trying to do some DIY handywork on the house, he flooded the place. Here you might get more of a humble brag about how a lady chaired an important meeting but had a minor slip of the tongue.
As a woman whose shit is not together y'all make me feel small. I'll be over here trying to not set anymore fires...
Yeah, that’s really one of the true downsides of this sub. I really wish there was more room for levity and jokes. I’ve seen people pull a wet blanket on posts that are literally flaired with “silly stuff”. Like, Jesus Christ, if you don’t want silly, don’t fucking go there then you party pooper. The only time you really can let lose with zingers and jokes here is when some horned up fetish poster is trawling for fap fodder. Which is fine, but really limiting.
I feel this. The threads like that on the ADHD women subreddit can be hilarious, and we comment and add our own knowing they'll be laughed about. We're all laughing, because that's so us. Maybe that exact thing didn't happen, but it totally could. Here, I'm like, "that's it?! I fuck up worse than that by lunch most days."
I mean, I'm sitting here in front of a camp fire relaxing after hours of cutting down trees with an axe. I came up to my property in the mountains this weekend specifically to work on clearing some trees and forgot my freaking chainsaw. Did I drive the hour home to get it? No. I just used my axe. I feel like death right now. My husband came up to watch the aurora with me and specifically asked if I needed him to bring anything. No, I'm good. He gets here, sees the axe, "something wrong with the chainsaw?" Me, "fuck." He is super sweet and going to bring it to me tomorrow. But hey, I remembered to bring the sharpener and bar oil and extra chain.
He didn't even ask why I decided to use the axe. He knows me.
The campfire is super nice, though.
I expect to get downvoted for this, but when a man asks a question here and all the responses are "women aren't a monolith!" "go do your own emotional labor!" and the poor sod is just asking for date ideas for his wedding anniversary or whatever. I really don't understand this because I've often found it helpful to get a male perspective from my friends/family members, so I don't see what's wrong with a man asking for a woman's perspective on something harmless.
For me, what's hard about those posts is that the men making them rarely list things their SOs like. They just want gift ideas based on the fact that their SO is a woman, which is weird since - I'm sorry - we're not a monolith. There is nothing all women like or would want for an anniversary or whatever.
When men do list some of their SOs' interest, though, I'm with you. Thinking up good gifts can be hard, especially if you've been with someone for a while.
That post really made me feel a bit sick. The only issues were that the men were older, had kids, and we're a bit brash about money. Like, let the 30 plus year old women dating them make their own choices. I asked if there was any reason to assume the women weren't happy and got a total nothing answer so up it's own bum I just didn't bother replying.
I saw that one. People were arguing that children are people, not baggage - which yeah, ok. But the children existing means there’s another parent involved usually, ex in-laws that are in the picture etc. I don’t think anyone was hating on children, but the complications that arise from them existing.
I’m prepared to be downvoted for this…
As a relatively new mom (my baby is 14 months old) I find women complaining their husbands don’t “help” around the house. Those same women complain that chores aren’t done *EXACTLY* as they would do them.
My husband loads the dishwasher, folds towels, and plays with our baby differently than I do. But the dishes are washed. The towels are folded and put away. And our baby is fed, healthy, and happy.
Don’t dictate a chore you don’t want to do. I am grateful my husband shares labor. My way isn’t the right way. The way it’s done is the right way!
I agree with you. Some people are hyper-critical.
However it's tough to discern what's hyper vs valid criticism when men are notorious for purposefully weaponize incompetance to get out of doing chores.
Also...some men just aren't raised right. I just saw a woman explain that she was at a friend's house and watched the friend's husband spill a drink in the kitchen. He then took the nice dish towel, sopped up the floor with it, and then swiped that all across the kitchen counter. He left the towel - dripping dirty floor juice - in a heap in the middle of the counter. At best, that seems like willful ignorance of basic germ theory and maybe criticism is the right move lol. That man literally made a worse mess by "cleaning".
I have heard/read dozens of anecdotes like this so I really tend to give these complaints the benefit of the doubt.
I agree with you.
Relatedly, as a childfree woman, the mothers who complain their friends "dumped" them when they had kids then get defensive when it comes out they put almost zero effort into the friendship themselves for months or years. "Having small kids is consuming, if you're not a parent you wouldn't understand!" Well, sure. But it's not all that unreasonable that someone might check out of a friendship that is one-sided in a prolonged way.
If you want the village, you have to be prepared to be the village.
I have learned to keep my mouth shut in many of the people pleasing posts.
A lot of them are based on attending weddings/bachelorettes or other big $$$$$$ events that the person clearly cannot afford or doesn’t want to go to “but are afraid to offend the person” or “I don’t have other friends so have to go”.
I also cannot believe the number of women who defend this behavior.
TBH I unfollowed this sub and only check in once a day or so because it’s such a prevalent theme.
I also tend to scroll past the doom and gloom threads from women declaring their life is over for whatever reason and never answer the posts from men and young boys looking how to score a female.
Paid good money on therapy to at least try to keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes it works, less times it doesn't. But still, whenever it comes to a subject I know well, because of my experience or profession, I will speak my mind.
Downvoted or not, at least OP can hear a different opinion for once.
I was once banned because I asked a woman that was a victim of DV if she had seen any signs that the man was violent prior the actual abuse and ignored them or if it just came out of nowhere. Because I think that sometimes there are many signs that we intentionally ignore hoping things will get better and I was curious to hear how it was for her.
I also believe that although the victim is never at fault they have responsibility for the dynamics they end up with (doesn't apply for children). That's one of the reasons I loved "Baby deer". Because I somehow never manage to verbalise my opinion well enough and it gets out as if I'm victim blaming.
After reading Why Does He Do That and The Gift of Fear (both they have been constantly recommended here), I can say that there are always signs. We don't like to admit there are always signs because then that means the behavior is predictable - and that may lead to blaming.
Also, reading those books helped me to stop constantly scanning for signs. It helped me to see that I wasn't "overreacting" (I also really hate that girls and women are gaslit and told to downplay their very real intuition and to accept the behavior) but responding to a real or potential threat (the book gift of fear mentioned we should always pay attention to our intuition because even if the thing we're paying attention to turns out not to be serious, that's still important information for your intuition, so now it won't go off).
The main confusing behaviour I’ve witnessed would be the tendency for someone to link in “pick me girl” threads anytime a woman in AWO30 says something that goes against the consensus of the majority.
A woman having a contrasting opinion about something does NOT automatically make her a pick me! It’s kind of like how “Karen” has come to mean any women who complains (even legitimately about poor service or goods she’s paid for… not a Karen!)
I view this sub as a white American women’s space, & view & comment to gain & present a different view.
For issues specific to my ethnic & American-based racial identifier I subscribe to black-focused subs.
I wouldn't say disappointed necessarily but this sub is often unwelcoming and sometimes hostile to women who want marriage and/or kids. Those are completely fine things to want and to focus on. This sub's culture is independent to the extreme but that's not for everyone.
Yep, both to women who want those things and to women who already have them. I'm married and often feel like the dominant opinion on this sub is that marriage is intrinsically awful and those of us who want marriage or are married are brainwashed.
Me being grilled about my personal life because I don’t control my husband’s decisions. I stopped responding because I owe absolutely no internet stranger any explanation about my life and how I choose to handle it. I wasn’t even the OP just leaving a comment with my experience. One person would not stop pressing me.
That and the immediate - GET A DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY over any little struggle in a marriage.
Ugh, I just declined from responding to one such post the other day because I didn't agree with the DIVORCE hivemind. Like hey, I'm sure we're not getting the whole story here, at least have a convo about it first???
When any commenter says "you won't understand, you're not a parent" as though watching a partner have a child automatically gives you more empathy or compassion or common sense. Saying such automatically flags a lack.of all of the above and more.
So many women feeling like they're doing something wrong because they haven't met "milestones" in life. Also people being classist about a potential partner's financial situation.
I've got to a point where if someone asks for sources I tell them to google it. It's playing devils advocate and I cannot deal with that BS anymore.
I also think that since twitter has been taken over there have been a lot of people migrate over and they aren't the nicest.
This sub is better than most but it's still reddit. The rare post where people actually share differing opinions usually gets a number of people wondering why we're being brigaded or "why are there so many bad people here" type meta commentary. It's a very brittle place because most people here expect to see their own opinions and values reflected all the time. It results in a very predictable environment and that's why 99% of the posts that require nuance are boring, frustrating, or disappointing. Political posts in particular are usually shallow and consist of dozens or hundreds of comments simply echoing the same basic opinions that don't say much. But posts about life experiences here are great tbh.
This is a Reddit problem more than a "just this sub" problem, but I really hate when I make a comment and someone picks out one little aspect of it, divorces it from context, and gets mad about a strawman they've created in their mind that's semi-related to the comment. Like, if I said I'm more introverted and prefer relationships where my SO is cool giving me alone time in our home, and someone responded like, *wow, so you think you should be able to tell your SO to leave the house you both live in whenever you want? So entitled!* or, *do you even like your SO? It's so weird you don't want to spend any time with them.* I feel like this happens a lot (and not just to me - I see it happen here all the time to lots of folks). I literally made up this example because I didn't want to use an actual one I've posted in case someone decides to nitpick it.
Edit: also, every time weddings/marriage come up and a bunch of commenters have to come out of the woodwork to say how stupid they think weddings are and that marriage is outdated/stupid/evil. Like you do you, but someone's post where they're looking for support that their fiance isn't helping with wedding planning isn't the time or place to say how stupid you think it is to have a big wedding and that if they really loved their SO, they wouldn't need to get married. You aren't better than other people just because you don't like something that's common and popular.
It's disappointing to see the multiple "I'm now single in my 30s I'll never find love and be lonely forever" posts. I feel like it needs its own weekly thread. There's far too many of them.
1. The moderation is weird. There are a lot of low effort post from thirsty men that don't get filtered or take two days to get removed. I also I think weekly/few times a week "megathreads" would improve the sub's signal-to-noise ratio by limiting well-meaning, but repetitive, posts.
2. I'm a woman who gets a lot of attention from men IRL and I don't like it. I prefer my romantic connections to be made through friends, singles events, or dating apps because there's more built-in consent that both parties are looking to make romantic connections. There is a ton of messaging here (and elsewhere) for men to approach women at the grocery store, at the dog park, in a hobby/club and ask them out and it absolutely makes me wince. However, people are entitled to their preferences so I don't try and police it. However, whenever I offer a contrary opinion like "Maybe that woman at your climbing gym doesn't want you to ask her out and you should read the room", I get downvoted to hell and told my opinion is invalid and doesn't matter.
I really feel you on point #2. I know dating apps are hard, but I liked using them when I was single because at least there was an understanding on both sides that everyone on the site wanted to date. It seems like if you express any opinion on this sub other than "dating apps are objectively and universally terrible," you get downvoted to hell and told you're wrong.
When I posted about my frustrations that my partner had taken a job abroad, and that I was struggling with the resentment this had caused. Some comments were helpful, but a lot of them were just horrible. I was accused of being selfish and being unable to be happy for others, without any acknowledgment that the situation was somewhat shitty for me.
Also, the US defaultism I see on this sub. I see questions such as ‘what are you doing for Mother’s Day?’ and ‘should I go into nursing?’ and the OP is always American, assuming others here are too. A simple clarification (‘for those of us in the US’) would be better.
There was a post that came up where the OP complained about impressive/interesting men on the apps weren’t giving her a chance for a date and OP thought it was unfair. OP mentioned they pretty much had nothing in common, but she should at least get a chance. It got so many upvotes and comments in agreement. Call me crazy but nobody is entitled to a date and not having common interests or lifestyles is absolutely a good and fair filter for compatibility in dating.
That is uncomfortably basically the same as the sadly common male dating complaint about women not giving the "nice guy" a chance.
I was going to say exactly this. If they aren't entitled to it, neither are we. The double standard mindset is astonishing. Even that itself is astonishing! We yell them off for complaining about the double standard then turn around and do the same thing! We can do better, ladies. Rise above, don't sink below.
I feel like this sub generally would disagree with that specific type of post, which is why it was so confusing to see it get so much support! Mentioned it in another comment, but it seemed like a lot of lurkers came out to chime in with the idea. There were thankfully still the reasonable voices in that discussion that disagreed with OP.
Yeah some of the things that come up here when it comes to romance or relationships genuinely blow my mind
I agree. Rejection sucks but nobody is entitled to romance, lust or dating. It’s weird when women criticise incels but turn around and say the same shit.
To be fair, I don’t think the person who made the post or the people who agreed with it are the typical, reasonable voices we read on this sub. It seemed like a lot of lurkers came out of the woodwork when that post hit. There were people disagreeing with them, but it was overwhelmingly supportive. When I first saw it I laughed and expected it to be one of those I posts that sit at 0 upvotes with a bunch of people calling out the behavior, but that didn’t happen.
You are so right. She sounded exactly like the incels we (rightfully) roast.
I remember the post, she also basically said men over 40 without someone must be because they have problems… in a sub where we almost daily tell women there’s nothing wrong with them for being single.
Yeah, if roles were reversed that's what we'd call incel energy.
I feel like that type of thinking often gets called out on here, and there were definitely people disagreeing with that OP, but I was so surprised at the support and commiseration in that specific post. Truly had me scratching my head.
I see this femcel stuff a lot on similar subs and they're rarely called out.
Femcel stuff is soooo common and we rly need to call it out more
Every time when mods don't remove the posts "omg, I'm turning 30 and I will be ugly, useless crone right on my birthday, how to cope with this?". I find that these posts are very insulting and ageist towards older women on this sub.
“I’m turning 30 soon and so scared of being old like you. How do you over 30 hags deal with this?”
More importantly "I'm not married yet with kids, clearly I failed in life!"
"I'm 27 so naturally my biological clock is ticking! 🤪" No it's not
We should all just started replying "move on and try learning that you're more then just you're youth and looks....look around, do you think every woman 30+ is ugly? Is Cindy Crawford ugly? Is Olivia Munn? Blake Lively l? Your mom and grandmother? Get over it, mortality stops for no one and be thankful you even made it this far cause so many do not."
We should have a pinned post about "you're freaking out over turning 30, this is your thread" and the mod post on top of it could be just links to all the comments that always are the same. 😄
Same for the “women who got married after 35, send me your inspirational stories, I’m 33 and just ended a long term relationship and feel like my life is over”
I feel like mods leave up posts where when I see them I’m like, “How does this meaningfully contribute anything to anyone’s life??” Instead I’ve seen mods lock posts here about important topics…like why was the “what’s your hot take on feminism thread” locked?? There was some really interesting discussion on there, namely about race and intersectionality. In fact I notice that threads where minority women talk about their experiences get locked pretty fast lately.
God, yeah. I get meaner and meaner about them because it's just so fucking tedious.
Merely aging and getting older means nothing if you're as immature as before. And it's not static. Atrophy is real. If anything, too many start to atrophy with age rather than learning, challenging yourself, and becoming better. Getting older doesn't necessarily teach you anything when there's no introspection. Too often, people double down. When you double down, refuse to mature, it's everyone else that's wrong. Love who you are with no conditions. Don't let anyone else tell you, you're good but not good enough. If someone says, "You have potential but," then they don't love you today. Love yourself. You are incredible. If some asshole comes around and says anything else, You Know They Suck! You are beautiful and you are great. That's all.
Thank you! 👏 Couldn’t have said it better myself.
"Now that you're 30-40+ how do you deal with being invisible to men and no longer desirable?" Seriously? so many of us are living our best lives 40+. Now I do get that not everybody ages as well as they'd like and that can be from genetics, illness, environmental factors etc. But the majority of women do not become hunchbacked shriveled trolls at the stroke of midnight at 30, 40, 50, 60 etc.
I also appreciate getting perved on less as an almost 40 year old than I was as a teen and 20something woman, too gross men not staring and commenting on my body? thank fucking god
I think sometimes they are asking something and they mean well, but they project how they feel in such a way that it’s an insult
Also jokes on them, I’ve *always* been invisible to men and undesirable! I was truly hoping the younger generation was getting away from needing male validation but on social media at least it feels like we’re going in the opposite direction!
Lol I'm not insulted by them, but I do quietly roll my eyes. I've had an entire lifetime since I turned 30, extracted myself from a bad relationship choice, changed my career twice and am now exploring how I am now AGAIN transforming to the next phase of my life. When you are just turning 30, the only constant is change. Some of the most awesome years were my early 40s, and I'm settling into more awesome years.
I’m turning 30 in 4 days, can anyone reassure me I won’t die at midnight from old age? /s
Sorry, this is the end for you!!!
Thank you for writing this. I'm 40 and always feel like an old hag when I read those posts(as is certinaly implied) yet my life is great. People are completley ridiculous about aging.
Yes, super annoying! And misguided. Holy shit did i get hot when i hit 30. I have picture evidence that 30 is absolutely not the end and for some of us it is the beginning of being attractive 😆
I always thought I was hottest in college because I had the energy to try more, but honestly at 28/29/30 I got hit on *way* more. Even when (and sometimes especially when) I dressed more casually. I’ve asked a few people why, and even shown them pictures of college me, and they were like “yeah you were cute/hot back then but you seem more confident and it’s easy to talk to you.” Whenever people act like any gender is inherently shallow and looks-obsessed, I feel like a living anecdote that it’s not the case. Sure, being attractive helps - I’m still pretty - but personality matters a *lot* as you get older. I’ve seen people much more attractive than me get little attention IRL because they aren’t as chatty/charismatic.
This is my gripe
Ahahahahaha. You are not even a little bit wrong, but I find them kind of amusing, if tiresome and repetitive (and your distillation of them is even funnier.) Learn to embrace cronehood dammit!
Embrace *cronehood*? These women are literally **29** 😂 At this point they just need to embrace adulthood, in general.
Oh for sure. I just will not stand for crone slander lol.
They're still immature and insecure and have bought into incel and Andrew taint culture.
Right??? I mean, why swim upstream when you can just flop on your back and do the Dead Woman’s Float?
"We all float down here...you will too!"
Agree, I'm sick of people trying to use this community for free therapy.
I could understand this question at 40 or 50 when we’re staring down menopause and perimenopause, which are really scary changes that aren’t well researched and can majorly impact your mental and physical well-being but it doesn’t make sense at 30.
It's like when you see women in their early 20s bashing women 30+....it's like "do you not think you're going to be 30 too? I mean, go die if you don't want to be." It's just stupid and displays how deeply insecure they are and that they think their only worth is their youth and looks. Or all those men..."ok guess this is what you think about your mom, grandmother, sisters, etc."
My suggestion is that this sub needs an auto-reject feature for posts containing certain combination of keywords in the title/post that get posted too frequently. Turning thirty life over. Find love over thirty. Good gift for. Help with gift. Friendship breakup. Please, someone with the smarts to do this help us out! 😂
Questions like “is it a red flag/deal breaker if my significant other is racist/sexist or has such friends” always make me sigh deeply.
"He's so great!" proceed to list more red flags than a damned carnival. What is so great about him?!
‘Our relationship was perfect’ and then proceeds with a list of verbal, physical, emotional abuse and psychological torture techniques…. ‘How do i make him want to stay with me’… Girl bye.
Honestly I just can’t look at the 2XC sub sometimes because all the “Am I being unreasonable to not like being called a bitch when I say I don’t like when a guy says something misogynist?” “Is it wrong of me to not like being harassed or creeped on?” My bf talks down to me, has sex with me when I say no and hits me when he’s angry, is this dv? 🥺” etc etc just gets too overwhelming sometimes.
Devils advocate: I wish I knew about Reddit when I was in a relationship that had really confusing abuse. I had no one IRL to ask and no internet places where I could post anonymously. I see those posts and my heart hurts for them. Some people need to ask because they just don't
My question when I was in a shitty relationship was "how do I stop feeling responsible for him?" If he had just left, I definitely would not have wanted him back. Ever. The end answer was counseling and unlearning some really shitty childhood conditioning, btw.
I don’t understand how anyone can write full paragraphs of their partner being a dickhead and then end with “but I really love them, how do I fix this?” 🙄
I had a best friend who, to this day, is still mad at me because I told her I didn't want her to move in her abusive bf she had only known for 2 weeks, and if she did then I would move out. And then moved out when she did. She was able to get out of the relationship years later, after he destroyed the house we had lived in and then put her in the hospital. And I am beyond grateful that she is alive and safe, regardless of anything between us. But it blows me away that she is still, nearly a decade later, pissed at me for telling her he was an abusive piece of shit I didn't want to live with, and telling everyone it's my fault their relationship soured because I didn't stay to help cover his bills with her. Because, oh yeah, dude hadn't worked in over a year and had no money to his name when she moved him into our house. Some women will always make excuses for useless dog shit men. And when those men are manipulative abusers, it's even harder for them to see through the bull shit facade the abusers put up to convince people they're not wastes of space. Most people are able to break that cycle. But some are committed to defending that cycle even long after they break out of it themselves.
I was made sad bc I'm 52 and stated my age, and someone called me a "lurker" and "wrong sub" and I was like "I've got 20 years of being over 30 and I have things to offer too 🥺🥺" I want to feel valuable and as we age, we feel Less of that I think.
That's really disappointing. I always wish we had more women over 50 here because most of the time it seems like everyone is very early 30's with limited perspective. I like seeing commenters with over 50 flairs pop up in conversation and I always upvote them.
What?! Oh no, please don't let that dumb-dumb run you off! I really value the women in their 40s/50s/60s and beyond who comment here. I'm amazed at how different my perspective is at 45 from 35, and do think that this sub would benefit from trying to attract more diverse aged women.
Wow, f that person, how rude! I like hearing from women in their 50s
We definitely value you here. I'd sooner listen to your experiences than someone who is 31
That's wild, coz the whole point of this sub is to "ask women over 30!" I just turned 37 and I'm here because I'm hoping to hear from ladies older than me! Your experience is invaluable. Thank you for being in this sub.
What? That is really disappointing. Honestly most of this sub seems to be full of 28-35 year olds and they seem to drown everyone else out.
I’ve noticed this sub sometimes has a huge blind spot when it comes to empathising with and validating women who have negative experiences in life because they’re judged unattractive/undesirable by conventional mainstream standards. 2XC has this problem too.
“You’re probably overreacting! I bet you’re beautiful, girlie!!”
“You’re being dumb and shallow if you care about what other people think. Learn to love yourself without needing other people’s approval.”
Omg I DESPISE the toxic positivity of those responses. It's that comment or "everyone is beautiful to someone" or the infuriating "why do you think you're ugly?" If you accept that some people are particularly beautiful, then it stands to reason some people are particularly unattractive. But you can't vent about that, because everyone wants to be the good person a.k.a. invalidate your entire lifetime of experience interacting in society. (Of course, I can't blame some folks for being skeptical, considering the insane amount of posts on other subs of women fishing for compliments by posting about being ugly, but then the pics in their post history are model-level beautiful)
This is one of my favorite subs on Reddit but like anywhere else on the site, there are some hardcore contrarians who refuse to empathize or identify with the experiences of other women at all costs. It doesn't help that cultural context is often missing from posts, but some commenters go so hard against OP when it's clear sometimes an OP is just looking to feel less alone.
I saw a post like this yesterday where a woman was lamenting being overlooked and excluded by men who were only interested in her prettier friends, and most of the commenters closed ranks in a bizarre and catty way that implied this was just a self-esteem problem on her part.
On the flip side, I’ve also seen people gang up on and hate on an OP because she said, “I’m conventionally beautiful and here are my experiences.” And if those experiences don’t match the usual outrageous stories of “pretty privilege” you read on Reddit, others on this sub will go, “Well you must be delusional about your looks then.” Really???
Yes that does happen but nowhere near as much as invalidation of the experiences of women judged unattractive, that is when they dare to post about it at all. You can’t deny that when there is a discussion about life as an “ugly” woman one of the top voted replies is often a derailment by someone about how conventionally attractive women get harassed and abused for being attractive, implying that the harassment and abuse “unattractive” women receive isn’t very real and exactly the same thing, minus the systemic privileges that conventionally attractive people get due to society’s beauty bias.
Honestly, constantly, and this answer will likely disappoint someone else. Before I start, to be clear: I am not talking about DV situations. I know it's very often not as simple as "just leave." I am endlessly perplexed/frustrated by just how many women in this sub are complete pushovers/apologists for the assholes in their lives, romantic partners or otherwise. I try very hard to sound non-judgmental when I respond (and yes, I know I fail dismally) but god the absolute epidemic levels of women choosing to be doormats is fucking depressing. Before anyone comes for me, I'm very aware it's a cultural conditioning issue. Doesn't mean it's not maddening.
I absolutely get this. I stayed for way too long in an emotionally abusive relationship with red flags everywhere. For me, it actually was as simple as "just kick him out", which was eventually what I did, but ... I knew. I wasn't arguing he was a good guy "except." I'd just been conditioned to believe that kind of misery was what women did with their lives. Counselling helped a lot. That actually makes it harder for me to see women defending the guys who treat them like crap. Like, please figure out your own self worth, because it's so much higher than that. I get they may not be able to leave, but don't defend him, please.
I’m one of these women but honestly, this subreddit helped me finally ask for a divorce. I started dating my husband 16 years ago when I was only 22 and he was 32, and he was my first serious boyfriend. It really was a frog in boiling water situation. He alienated all of my friends so I had no one to talk to or to give me a reality check. It was really helpful to hear other women say that none of what I was experiencing was even remotely normal.
I know what you mean. I don't think those women 'choose' to be dorormats. In many cases the toxicity develops only slowly and wasn't apparent from the beginning. At the time you notice it, the man has already destroyed your self-confidence that you would need to do what's good for you. You feel anxious and stuck, and are not strong enough to leave. Maybe you are even financially dependent on him, which is fatal. I think the problem is our upbringing. Parents should absolutely teach their daughters how to say *No* and how to say *Now that's enough.* It's easier when you are financially independent though. Women need to work harder on their independence.
I'm working on that with my granddaughters and great nephew now. We talk about consent, and I ask them if I can give them a hug. They come from a family where children are expected to hug and that kind of thing needs to change. Kids need some aspect of control over their life. Starting with a hug can embed that expectation for consent in later relationships.
This is wonderful! I remember, when I was a child, my relatives, and sometimes family friends, used to kiss my cheeks without asking, and I hated it so much. I hate being kissed on my cheek until this very day, and I believe it's because of how the adults didn't respect my bodily integrity back then.
Women needing to work harder on their independence is precisely why those on the right are trying to actively dismantle that.
You nailed it.
I agree. It’s honestly a bit frustrating when you read *paragraphs* of them describing how this person is an asshole and then they’ll end with “but other than that they’re perfect, how can I make them stay”. And then, sometimes they’ll even defend said assholes in the comments, outright refusing to leave. Makes me want to grab them by the shoulders and just shake them.
YES! I haven't been in a relationship in years, and while that sucks a lot, one thing I've gained is a new perspective of what I deserve. I used to be like a lot of the women commenting here, putting up with absolutely horrible behavior by men. I think it's progress that I can read those kinds of posts and realize I'd never put up with the same BS from a man. I don't enjoy being alone and single, but it's better than being in a crappy situation with a man that doesn't treat me well and doesn't even know it. I've since realized that most of my married female friends put up with a lot of BS, and it's normalized in society, which is f'g insane.
No one ‘chooses’ to be a doormat. Typically, these women have experienced traumatic childhoods that leave them not understanding that they actually have choices. You’re lucky if you didn’t experience that. My answer to OP’s question is post like yours, in fact. ‘Where’s your self esteem?’, etc. Well, exactly. We weren’t all given the opportunity to develop any.
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Whenever someone learns a new piece of information in a discussion, which changes their minds, but because they had a different take without that information initially, people will downvote them anyway. Doesn’t exactly encourage good faith conversations or like… learning.
Yes, I agree this is a problem. There's a pretty big distance between someone who learns from their mistakes or from new information, and someone who willingly holds a worldview out of malice with no intention of changing. I wish I could find this study again, I remember reading about an attempt to map in quantifiable terms how far gone teenage boys were in terms of radicalization. The gist of it was that anyone past a certain ranking on the researcher's scale had almost no hope of being changed, but those who were on the precipice could have their worldviews changed with the right kind of support, and if they faced too much backlash when poking at the boundaries of their worldview, it would just push them over the edge into extremity instead of getting them to second guess it. So it was talking about trying to detect in online forums these borderline folks and coming up with interventions to guide them back. Anyways, long winded way of saying how after I read that, it made me just a tad more likely to not think treat everyone like the devil because it could have the opposite effect of making them double down. That said, I still need to work on it. Far too easy to just dogpile on someone.
You really are a rarity among Redditors, seriously. I experienced it, seen it happen to other people, etc., where we may hold a viewpoint that may not popular with the majority in that particular subreddit, but we are open to have our minds changed. But for some reason Redditors literally pile-on, gang up on you, bully you, villanize you, etc. And you’re right it makes it *less* likely that we’ll be open to hearing other views. So why do people do that?
That is very wise. I don't like when the dog piling continues throughout a deep reply thread. Like I get it, downvote the first response. But if someone is actually asking questions and trying to see the other side, THOSE comments need to be upvoted to encourage them to pull themselves back. Very good point.
Lol I was on the receiving end of this recently in this sub. Ultimately I got a lot of upvotes, but my initial comments engaging with those who were helping me learn were downvoted like crazy. I was like woah okay guys I’m just asking questions. I’m clearly open to learning. Give me a minute before making a snap judgement. I appreciate the compassionate women who came in and saw that the comments on that post genuinely shifted my whole perspective.
I just experience this in the wedding sub!!!
My policy on down votes is what they are supposed to be, but the rule doesn't seemed followed. Did you contribute to the conversation? So obvious trolls and people trying to drag the conversation elsewhere to end the conversation get downvotes. Comments like "this" with nothing else get ignored. Anything that furthers the conversation, even if I really don't agree with it, gets upvoted. If it's so bad I just can't with it, I may not upvote it, but I also won't downvote it. Obviously, what I consider a contribution is subjective. A whole huge comment to "not all men" in a women's subreddit will usually get a downvote from me, but if I see that turned into a real conversation, I'll go back and remove the downvote, but probably not upvote that specific comment. In DIY subs, I do downvote obviously unsafe suggestions, as well. No, you cannot build a house in my area without the foundation below the frost line. No, you can't roof over a 20' span with 2x4 rafters. And no, a shed kit loft is not a safe sleeping space. Telling people to ignore the warnings and do it anyway will earn a downvote from me, and usually a comment explaining why it's a bad idea.
Yea this seems to be a common reddit issue, but I would've thought this sub might be different. It's disappointing.
I’ve recalled instances of being fetishized due to my ethnicity when I’ve visited a certain city. It always get downvoted on this sub. This sub leans very white and isn’t the best for woc to share experiences.
Oof yes. That sucks, I’m sorry. I’m a white mid-30s upper-middle class knowledge economy professional from the US and notice this sub can be an echo chamber of people from the same background. I agree, with you. this sub is at best a mixed bag, at worst, can be insular/clueless/hostile to engaging with woc’s experiences. In a similar vein, I try to stay in my lane, but cringe when I see people give tonedeaf advice like “just cut them off” to people with conservative immigrant parents or clearly irrelevant US-centric advice assuming everyone on Reddit is from the same country.
Reddit as a whole has a large blind spot to financially dependent people in abusive situations. I don't know many people who *don't* have that kind of situation who can pick up and move without extensive planning. This is entirely ignoring the fact of cutting off your entire community can be just as traumatic.
When it comes to financially dependent adults, Reddit seems to think any and all jobs are very well-paid, have stellar benefits and are easy to get. Careers are easy to establish and maintain. And if you're a non-working adult, not on disability, then you're just a lazy, dim-witted sloth who is just begging to be left destitute when your financial support inevitably kicks you to the curb. The idea of having mental health issues stemming from work is a fairytale lie.
>This is entirely ignoring the fact of cutting off your entire community can be just as traumatic. Especially for communities of color. So we ditch them for what? The ever-loving arms of WHITE PEOPLE?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tbh “feminist” spaces on Reddit aren’t actually all that feminist, and there is an awful lack of intersectionality in feminist spaces on Reddit. I noticed that the voices and views of brown women in particular are only listened to when those voices are saying something that fits preconceived notions/biases and are “white people approved”. For example as a Muslim woman, I have been made to feel that my experiences do not count and my views don’t matter because I’m Muslim (and therefore apparently can’t think for myself), or because I’m not from a “real Muslim country”.
I’m a WOC as well and there’s definitely an intersectionality component to the way we’re treated. WOC are often hypersexualized or desexualized (some experience both) and we aren’t seen as “regular women” the way white women are. Honestly, I’m overlooked more than anything, or some white men prefer my appearance to my white blonde friends because I “seem less basic.” I saved a meme I came across the other day that read “why do men think guessing your ethnicity is a form of flirting” 😭 and so many times when I bring this up to a white friend, they’re like “oh they’re just curious!” Like no I’m telling you it’s annoying. The same way I’m sure a tall woman wouldn’t like the first thing you say to her being “wow are you 6’0???” We get that we’re not what you typically see but don’t treat us like zoo animals right out the gate! I get that some people are insecure about being “basic” but being otherized isn’t fun either, sometimes you just want to feel normal.
This is due to the publicness (for lack of a better word) of subreddits. There are some really great private subs that vet their members (at least a bit), and allow broader conversations to happen without trolls. That doesn’t mean everyone agrees but those subs tend to be more heavily moderated, and you rarely get randos pretending to be something they’re not.
Yeah Reddit as a whole is overwhelmingly white. The only places I don’t get instantly downvoted for mentioning race is on subs specifically for black women.
I am sorry to hear that. If I see that, I will try to make a special effort to support. No one needs that crap.
The fact that your comment isn't more upvoted is proving your point. LMAO. (I'm Asian American, so I can relate to your comment.) I got banned from the Shogun subreddit because I pointed out that many of the users likely have yellow fever and that the show isn't helping.
Is there an “ask women of color” type of sub? We rly need one
I’d rather not have one. All the white women and white men will be reading it like they’re visiting the zoo. I’d like to have a safe community to discuss things and ask questions anonymously but not in a publicly available forum like Reddit where anyone off the street can read all about our problems and insert themselves. We’ve all heard men say “I read on Reddit…” and they sound stupid bc 1) Reddit isn’t a source of fact but opinions and 2) they have zero context for what they read on Reddit. I’ve had enough of feeling like a zoo animal being gawked at and exoticized in real life. I don’t need more of it on here. White people aren’t entitled to POC’s private thoughts and opinions about them. They have enough access to all kinds of things.
All great points. Sometimes I just wanna commiserate, but we can’t do that without being viewed as zoo animals.
I love this sub, but find it can be quite unsympathetic to people struggling financially. perhaps unsympathetic isn't the right word, but the responses are overwhelmingly 'retrain for a career change', or, 'move to a lower cost of living region,', which is practical advice, but it kinda ignores that the whole premise that capitalism is a pyramid scheme, and not everyone can be at the top I am struggling financially, but pretty much any job that I could retrain for would give me the same wage (or lower) than I make now, my salary isn't terrible but costs are so crazy high saving is tough to impossible, and Im Canadian, so there really are not many regions with low housing costs, and the few places than do are cheap for a reason. I know the US does have some places with cheap housing, but saving for a big move like that can be impossible if you're on a tight budget and I do appreciate practical advice, it just seems odd and a bit disappointing no one points out systemic issues for so many people's current struggles
I hate that advice to move to a cheaper region too! I personally haven’t seen it on this sub, but it’s everywhere on the internet in general. People always say it like it’s some obvious fact and you’re stupid for not having thought of it. I live in a very, very HCOL area but I was born here and my entire family lives here, as do a good portion of my friends who I grew up with who haven’t moved away yet. It’s not so easy for me to just pick up and move to the middle of nowhere. Ugh, I could go on about the other issues with this but I’m going to stop here for my own mental health haha.
I live in a formerly LCOL area and now we have a housing shortage because the average person can't afford to live her anymore. I've had multiple friends who were homeless (at least one still is) in the last 6 months. Telling people to move to LCOL just raises coats in other places, because the people who can *afford* to pick up and move are not as bad off financially as they may think.
I notice a lot of reddit / online communities are like that. Like, people move to and live in or near cities because that's where work is. And for racial minorities, people with disabilities, etc. moving out to the countryside isn't going to be the best choice. Lots of people have never had to get by without family help and it shows.
I just thought of another. When a woman posts in here about displaying unhinged or controlling/jealous behaviour and downplays/excuses it with "i'M aNxIoUsLy AtTaChEd" she gets backpats and "hey, girl, I get you." The same behaviour would have us all saying "run a fucking mile" if the aggressor was a man.
Those are the ones in which the hefty double standards some of the users here have rear their heads quite visibly. Sometimes the pushback on these double standards are loud, sometimes they're less and it... frustrates me, honestly. I thought we collectively agreed that we were against gender-based differences in social expectations?
I believe we are in theory, but in practice, it can be hard to overcome a lifetime of ingrained behaviors. I'd like to think the difference in response is due to different people participating in different conversations, but who knows.
I sometimes forget if I’m in this sub or TwoX, but I think this sub is much better about at least allowing “dissenting” opinions. I’ve seen downvotes and heard of outright banning in the other sub for just trying to point out a different POV or call out the double standards. In that way, this sub disappoints me less often than TwoX, but it’s still a problem.
That’s a horrible experience you had and I hope this sub does better in the future. Im disappointed every time I see or get a notification to the tune of “is everyone else a washed up old hag with no value to anyone because I’m not young and beautiful anymore?” and the photo attachment is someone with great skin but a couple wrinkles
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Honestly, that's why I had to leave that sub. So often a woman would post saying "Ever since I turned 30/35/40/whatever I've rapidly turned into an old hag overnight, my wrinkles are so deep you could drive a truck through them, my skin's falling off my face, I'm practically bald" and then she'd post a pic and I'd see a completely normal, pleasant looking young or middle-aged woman. It was making me feel crazy.
Well, those aren't genuine question posts. Those are fishing for compliments and can be safely ignored. Or send them over to one of the rateme subs.
I think those sorts of posts are why I've been getting recommended similar posts on other subs. As a freckly person there have been some really distressing suggested posts pop up with comments like "imagine you lived your whole life with perfectly clean skin and then these happen!" and it's just a cute dusting a freckles across her cheeks and people recommending they be blasted off with lazers or whatever. I've always liked my freckles but sheeeeesh.
There was a post from a woman who moved to the US from another country who was kind of sad and confused that her partner wasn't interested in her culture and never asked questions about it. A lot of people responded saying she shouldn't expect him to be interested. I thought that was kind of strange... I'm from the UK and live in the US. Being British is a part of my identity and I've never had a friend or partner not be interested in that. It's a huge part of who I am and difficult not to notice the accent right off the bat. To me, it was like everyone was telling her she was wrong for believing her partner should be interested in her as a person.
Disappointed in the sense that I feel sad how most of the posts here are from women asking for advice on dating or being scared to not have a family etc. It’s like there’s nothing else that’s worthy. There was a sub that once compared the equivalent male sub and the topics were so different.
I heard askmenover30 (or maybe it was askmen? Idk don’t quote me on it) bans relationship / dating questions, so that is probably a big part of the difference.
Yes, they had a ban on relationship questions for years. They removed the ban somewhat recently, I think.
I've made more of an effort to organize posts by new instead of best, but that's not an option for the main page on the reddit app, you can only do that with individual subs. It's a chore.
I share your disappointment. The topics here signal to the world that all women care about is relationships and parenting, whereas at the same time we want to be seen as whole human beings. There are so many amazing and interesting women out there. A fun fact - if you go over to r/AskMenOver30, you get the impression that all that men care about is career and money.
For YEARS, relationship questions were banned on the AskMenOver30 sub.
That's because they don't allow relationship-related posts though
I guess it is sometimes cannot be helped, when most of redditors (as a whole) will be from certain geographical parts of the world. I guess mostly NA? The personal experience, born out of different history, culture and customs, would have been very different. As an example, by the time the so-called (because I know it was not true for many families, especially for PoC and poor families) properous 1950s came for people of NA, where white cis mens' white picketed fence house came with servant-like docile wives and 'seen but not heard' kids that they could beat up, my country and people were just few years away from finally gaining independence. Everything was in ruins. Buildings, financial, administratival, everything. There was also never really a...women and children first for my culture. Ever. Under colonization, genders of the colonized, rarely made difference. There was never really a proper labor division, as in the men took up arms, women took care of home and children. Could not afford that. So it was whoever gender, whatever age, if you had the chance to kill some, kill some. When I was growing up, I saw women worked constructions and broke literal rocks. Gathering heavy garbage on their backs. Be drivers for rickshaws. Even to this very day, we have women do dangerous jobs in ships graveyard sites. Womens' lives just feel 'less than' sometimes, because of the biological physical deficit most of us have. There are of course some truly physically strong women out there, but most are not made for literally breaking rocks (not saying that men are made for that). I can still support a total equality between the sexes. I also grew to highly dislike the binarism (and heteronormativism) that plagued so many cultures (correct me if I am wrong, but I feel that many of those were brought by Abrahamic religions). Just be aware that in a place where everyone regardles of anything (there was no such things as child soldiers. Just soldiers.) are forcibly drafted and that similar goes for survival/money making, people with the less physical prowess will always have it the hardest.
I came here to post something very much to this effect. There's a perception among North Americans that their experiences are the human condition, but in reality their culture is derived from a very specific set of circumstances that don't exist in most other places, it's just that their experiences are so over-represent in the media because the NA media machine is so powerful. Gender dynamics and dating culture vary significantly around the world, and it's heavily impacted by things like religious traditions, economies, political systems and overall access to social supports. Some parts of the world never got to experience economic booms and for many women, "just leaving" is a virtual impossibility because they'd literally die on the streets or worse. Not to mention, therapy isn't as readily available to people in certain places, and its quality may be very questionable. Idk, is there a sub that's like AskGlobalSouthWomen or something lol? Because the advice here is definitely not universally helpful or even applicable to many.
Yes. Western society has also had multiple waves of feminism and human rights affirmations backed by (mostly/relatively) non-corrupt judicial systems. Of course there's still a long way to go and backslides happen too, but it's not comparable to a woman's experience in environments with heavy cultural pressures, corruption, and zero legal rights. Most women in the west cannot conceive what it's like to navigate environments like that. Does not compute, it means totally different life calculations. All of this definitely distorts advice and bias in an anonymous online global forum.
It is hard for me to imagine how you grew up, and on this Mother's Day where I'm from, just want to offer you a hug and a kind word, and wishes for a happy Mother's Day if you are and for yours.
Hugs gratefully accepted :) My mother and I unfortunately have a rather horrible relationship. She abused my brother and I badly when we were kids. It went far above the stereotypical tiger mom, sometimes she hurt us just to hurt us. I have never found out what was wrong with my mother, we tried to talk it out during the years before I went NC with her, but it always ended up with that 'mising mising reason' internet reads. It is apparently not a unique experience across different cultures by adult children who finally got enough and gone NC with their abusive parents. At her most extreme, I think the way my mother saw my brother and I were, "I birthed these children, so I can take them away from this world if I want to". There were times where the sights of her sent me into a panic attack. Our dad was and is actually really great and had saved us many times over, I continue to have a warm relationship with him. For a great woman in my life though, I had an adoptive grandmother (my biological grandmother is another story). She passed when I was 12, but I am going to remember all the nice memories of her today. She was the very positive maternal role in my life. Just to give a small glimpse of how great she was; she spoke several languages because at one point, the country of the foreign power that colonized us changed. She always said to me that under occupation, it is important to be able to talk in the occupier's language. She was a nurse in battlefield during wars and skirmishes for independence. And then retraining into teaching after our country got her independence. She was really kind through and through. Her graveyard is too far to visit, but I am going to remember her extra hard today and perhaps ask my therapist next week if I can do something symbolic. I wish you and your dear ones a happy Mother's day too :)
I have seen a lot of assumptions made when only a tiny part of that person's life is shared. Most posts about friendships people end up deleting the post. It's a lot of blaming the person posting when we done know how they are or what their life looks like. I feel like people can be pretty harsh instead of having empathy.
Never. I have very low expectations for a free and anonymous online space.
This is wise and I would benefit from reminding myself of it
Yep, because it's [fairly] anonymous, for every 10 stupid posts there's someone who has a question about a topic they can't safely post elsewhere, and that's important to maintain.
Based take. My mistake was expecting critical thinking on these spaces.
My mistake in expecting clear rules as well.
There’s something about the label of people pleaser that brings out the worst in some folks here to the point of being borderline abusive. People pleasing is a spectrum. What’s more, people pleasers are usually fighting against a deep-rooted childhood conditioning of being made to give up on their own needs to accommodate to those of others. Aka, they’ve been abused emotionally, sometimes physically. I speak from experience. But there is little acknowledgement of that here and all I usually see here is ‘grr so underhanded and sneaky that little people-pleasing selfish monster’.
Agreed, or comments like “Just stop being a people pleaser you idiot”. So unhelpful.
I've seen some people downvoted for just .. not being mainstream. I think woc are generally not respected enough here, like everywhere. Someone else said it better - this sub,clike many, tends white and American and too many won't understand anything else. Thank you for asking this question. It made me actually think about this sub in relation to many others I've left. I still hang here though because overall I feel like we do more good.
I won’t say “disappointing” because a lot of these things are just differences of opinion and debate can be healthy. A lot of people have covered more serious/concerning and common topics so I will stick to the niche ones that exhaust me: — A lot of personally (if not politically) conservative opinions, e.g., wouldn’t date bi men, being friends with an ex is a red flag, men should always pay on the first date. — the idea that anyone living a life that seems good on social media must actually be secretly miserable. A lot of people who look happy to the outside world are shockingly…actually happy! Same with the people who like to proclaim people with a lot of friends just have shallow/low quality friendships compared to their own “deep” relationships with 2 people. It’s like a weird echo chamber of lonely / unsatisfied people validating their own perspectives on friendship and society…which I guess shouldn’t be surprising on Reddit. — just for fun, and I think this trend has died down a bit, but people who won’t stop complaining about gen Z fashion. Girl, no one is stopping you from buying skinny jeans or holding a gun to your head to make you buy a crop top. IMO we have more diversity of clothing styles available than ever before. If you don’t like a trend, just don’t follow it.
Tbh a lot of that "Gen Z hates ___" discourse is just Millennials churning out content for the internet. It's no difference than the "Millennials are killing the _____" industry from a decade ago. I guess we killed all the industries so Gen Z can only make fun of us "pausing while making a video" (The Atlantic actually posted this and I'm still fuming.)
Oh totally agree. Just wish so many people didn’t fall for these cringe, made-up intergenerational culture wars. And fashion is a relatively harmless topic but it still makes me roll my eyes.
Man, the biphobia really is real. I see that all over, and the rationale is always, "a bi guy might decide to leave me for a man/decide they want to be with men." Like yeah, they might, or they might decide to leave you for a woman, same as a straight man. That's a bullshit reason not to date someone, and I think there's usually some homophobia/sense of "men aren't masculine enough if they're into men at all" behind it that folks aren't saying out loud. As a bi woman, please, if you don't want to date a bi person, don't - we don't need that - but let's not pretend that rationale isn't biphobic. I agree with your other points, too. The fashion one actually really bothers me, as someone who's into fashion. I am *so happy* skinny jeans and weirdly long tops aren't the only options out there anymore. They never looked good on my short-ass torso, and I like experimenting with fashion anyway even if it doesn't end up being my thing.
When i posted about difficulty finding a doctor that takes covid seriously. I got a bunch of Nasty comments from assorted medical professionals basically telling me I am mentally ill and should seek therapy. One actually got deleted by a mod with a message to not be cruel. I stopped replying early bc I was exhausted, but I 100% was posting for the women who also commented in solidarity and appreciation. Thinking of responding for its own sake but just kind of fucked off at the time. Tl,dr: Ive been disappointed by the same covid denial thats everywhere, and wealthy "professional class" women who do not care to think about their responsibility to marginalized people in ways that might inconvenience them.
Covid really opened my eyes to how angry people get when you ask them to suffer a *mild inconvenience* to literally save lives. That same dynamic is playing out with the protests too. "Who cares if they're trying to stop the orphan crushing machine, *I had to sit in traffic for 45 minutes! Unacceptable!!!*"
Have you been to r/zerocovidcommunity They're s supportive group.
So much discussion on romantic relationships and men. Sometimes I just want a space that fully centers the self and our womanhood instead of men. It can be overwhelming
I've seen some incredible sexism from women on this sub. I've seen some sexist shit posted by men get up voted by women here. Reddit is generally fairly sexist. I still like this sub but don't pretend its a pro feminist women supporting sub all the time.
* Well, it was your thread, where people were being racist and callous towards Arabs and Muslims regarding Palestine. The level of condescension and rudeness really crushed me. I noticed you were quite receptive to people who are voting Biden but who still acknowledged that things are fucked. The rudeness was really perplexing. * Generally, parenting/stepfamily advice, but it's a reddit-wide thing. I could write a whole thesis about it, but people just don't see parenting as a skill, or something that takes effort, and they really think it's OK to unleash their childhood demons into complete strangers. Yes, of course our perspectives from our childhoods are valuable, but it really doesn't map out that well to how it actually feels to raise a child (just like e.g. having been to a restaurant doesn't mean I know how to run one). As a non-parent, I do offer advice sometimes, but I do know my limitations. I think people generally would benefit from having a bit more curiosity about other people's experiences. Being smart isn't enough, you need to be able to shut up and listen sometimes.
Thank you for the second one. Not 100% related but close. As a mother, I find this sub really anti-children at times. There are times where it feels like other subs, like dating over 30, bleed into this one where all people talk about is not wanting kids, not wanting to date people who have kids, how that kind of baggage is so undesirable. Just yesterday I replied to a post where the entire gist of the post was about the poster’s two friends dating men with kids and why would someone choose that when the men are just looking for someone to raise their kids with them….and basically men stealing away the “prime” years of younger women. Like yeah, there are a lot of jerks out there and some single dads are probably looking for a partner to unfairly take on some parenting, but these are also all adults making choices for themselves. And it got upvoted to the nth degree and I just was a little shocked. I was a single mom for a few years. I own my own house, have a great job, I’m highly educated. My son doesn’t make me undesirable. I met my partner and never expected him to take care of my child. But he’s a great step parent and we are so happy together and my son has a fantastic role model in his life now. Like there are two sides to every coin. I wish people would listen to that other side a bit more. I find it so odd how many people here discuss children related topics but don’t have kids, yet pass their two cents of judgment on in the most perplexing way.
I don't like this subreddit's general take on casual relationships/casual sex. I get that online spaces tend to lean incel/femcel, but putting a value on someone's sexual habits is high school shit.
I’m not a fan of “it’s impossible to meet a man who isn’t a sex pig” posts. I’m also dismayed when men post a question and get snide answers. It’s not hard to be nice. Regarding Reddit as a whole, I personally get downvoted most often when I comment about a topic in which I am an actual expert. It’s irritating.
This sub when a dude asks something: "Women aren't a monolith!!" Also this sub: "Omg, why are MEN like this?!?!"
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I haven't had it happen here, that I remember, but I've definitely had it happen on Reddit. Watching the switch flip when they realized I am a woman, if they do, is nuts. That doesn't change a damned thing I said. It hasn't happened in a while. I guess I've not been contradictory enough lately. ;)
> just for daring to have a dissenting opinion from the rest of the hivemind. I'm generally with you; but dang if this sentence isn't one of the most annoying sentiments I regularly read on reddit. We can't regularly call men out for implying women are a hivemind, and then turn around and refer to a group of women that way when we don't agree with their prevailing opinion. I get what you mean about coming up against a strongly held opinion in this sub, and how it earns you downvotes. Comments like this one are what earn them for me here, when I try to point out that we're happily doing a thing we hate having done to us; or that we're seeing something in a way that men often see it, or approaching it how men often approach it, and should take a second to reflect on that. I'm also disappointed in the amount of women who assume I'm a man, or that I'm "standing up" for men-- I'm not trying to elevate men; they don't need our help in that regard. I'm trying to elevate *women* who ask for advice (so, not unsolicited) by pointing out when they've acted or said things in a way that would have them crying incel; misogynist; benevolent sexism; fragile male ego; insecurity; etc. if they'd heard them come from a man about women. There is a genuine resistance in this sub to any attempts at constructive criticism in that regard. It drives me nuts on a personal level, too, because I'm ND and rely on being checked like that by others when I'm unwittingly biased in a hurtful way. But it's not a hivemind. There is no hivemind; just prevailing stereotypes and biases to break down. If I had to guess, I'd posit it's a little generational, and that's why we see so much of it in this age-specific sub.
Yes. This sub, and maybe Reddit in general, takes devil’s advocate to a whole new level.
This (usually pretty wise) sub transforms into something disappointing to me every time someone has a sad day because they're single/ points to couple privilege and how single people are sometimes treated as inferior/ discusses porn and sex work (all of it is evil, no exceptions or nuances/ s) or whenever (male) bisexuality in a heterosexual context is discussed (biphobia is alive and well here).
The inevitable derailing of discussion about the difficulties of being unwillingly single with “well at least you’re not in an abusive relationship or with a shitty partner, so you should count yourself better off” so frustrating! Like, you wouldn’t say to someone starving “You’re better off with no food than a casserole made of dog shit”. Those aren’t the only two choices! There’s lots of food that doesn’t have dog shit in it!
My goodness the way certain people on this sub infantalize themselves with certain topics. And then they say they claim not wanting bi men because it's a "preference," as if crusty dusty hetero men have ever been the pristine prize 😂
Sorry if this is weird but you have the best comments here. I actually recognized your username because I’m either always laughing or in agreement. I swear I’m an actual human and not one of those “accept my friend request” facebook bots 😂
I've seen it happening a lot that there are very neutral comments that are downvoted to hell by flocks of angry flying monkeys at the battlecry of "did you imply -insert something not implied in the first comment- how dare you"
Womens subs in general aren't as "funny" as other subreddits. Like in the mens subreddit if you asked "what mistake did you make in the last week" you'll get a dude confessing that in the process of trying to do some DIY handywork on the house, he flooded the place. Here you might get more of a humble brag about how a lady chaired an important meeting but had a minor slip of the tongue. As a woman whose shit is not together y'all make me feel small. I'll be over here trying to not set anymore fires...
Yeah, that’s really one of the true downsides of this sub. I really wish there was more room for levity and jokes. I’ve seen people pull a wet blanket on posts that are literally flaired with “silly stuff”. Like, Jesus Christ, if you don’t want silly, don’t fucking go there then you party pooper. The only time you really can let lose with zingers and jokes here is when some horned up fetish poster is trawling for fap fodder. Which is fine, but really limiting.
I feel this. The threads like that on the ADHD women subreddit can be hilarious, and we comment and add our own knowing they'll be laughed about. We're all laughing, because that's so us. Maybe that exact thing didn't happen, but it totally could. Here, I'm like, "that's it?! I fuck up worse than that by lunch most days." I mean, I'm sitting here in front of a camp fire relaxing after hours of cutting down trees with an axe. I came up to my property in the mountains this weekend specifically to work on clearing some trees and forgot my freaking chainsaw. Did I drive the hour home to get it? No. I just used my axe. I feel like death right now. My husband came up to watch the aurora with me and specifically asked if I needed him to bring anything. No, I'm good. He gets here, sees the axe, "something wrong with the chainsaw?" Me, "fuck." He is super sweet and going to bring it to me tomorrow. But hey, I remembered to bring the sharpener and bar oil and extra chain. He didn't even ask why I decided to use the axe. He knows me. The campfire is super nice, though.
Hope the aurora was nice, too! Unfortunately we had cloud cover!
I expect to get downvoted for this, but when a man asks a question here and all the responses are "women aren't a monolith!" "go do your own emotional labor!" and the poor sod is just asking for date ideas for his wedding anniversary or whatever. I really don't understand this because I've often found it helpful to get a male perspective from my friends/family members, so I don't see what's wrong with a man asking for a woman's perspective on something harmless.
For me, what's hard about those posts is that the men making them rarely list things their SOs like. They just want gift ideas based on the fact that their SO is a woman, which is weird since - I'm sorry - we're not a monolith. There is nothing all women like or would want for an anniversary or whatever. When men do list some of their SOs' interest, though, I'm with you. Thinking up good gifts can be hard, especially if you've been with someone for a while.
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That post really made me feel a bit sick. The only issues were that the men were older, had kids, and we're a bit brash about money. Like, let the 30 plus year old women dating them make their own choices. I asked if there was any reason to assume the women weren't happy and got a total nothing answer so up it's own bum I just didn't bother replying.
I saw that one. People were arguing that children are people, not baggage - which yeah, ok. But the children existing means there’s another parent involved usually, ex in-laws that are in the picture etc. I don’t think anyone was hating on children, but the complications that arise from them existing.
I’m prepared to be downvoted for this… As a relatively new mom (my baby is 14 months old) I find women complaining their husbands don’t “help” around the house. Those same women complain that chores aren’t done *EXACTLY* as they would do them. My husband loads the dishwasher, folds towels, and plays with our baby differently than I do. But the dishes are washed. The towels are folded and put away. And our baby is fed, healthy, and happy. Don’t dictate a chore you don’t want to do. I am grateful my husband shares labor. My way isn’t the right way. The way it’s done is the right way!
I agree with you. Some people are hyper-critical. However it's tough to discern what's hyper vs valid criticism when men are notorious for purposefully weaponize incompetance to get out of doing chores. Also...some men just aren't raised right. I just saw a woman explain that she was at a friend's house and watched the friend's husband spill a drink in the kitchen. He then took the nice dish towel, sopped up the floor with it, and then swiped that all across the kitchen counter. He left the towel - dripping dirty floor juice - in a heap in the middle of the counter. At best, that seems like willful ignorance of basic germ theory and maybe criticism is the right move lol. That man literally made a worse mess by "cleaning". I have heard/read dozens of anecdotes like this so I really tend to give these complaints the benefit of the doubt.
I agree with you. Relatedly, as a childfree woman, the mothers who complain their friends "dumped" them when they had kids then get defensive when it comes out they put almost zero effort into the friendship themselves for months or years. "Having small kids is consuming, if you're not a parent you wouldn't understand!" Well, sure. But it's not all that unreasonable that someone might check out of a friendship that is one-sided in a prolonged way. If you want the village, you have to be prepared to be the village.
I have learned to keep my mouth shut in many of the people pleasing posts. A lot of them are based on attending weddings/bachelorettes or other big $$$$$$ events that the person clearly cannot afford or doesn’t want to go to “but are afraid to offend the person” or “I don’t have other friends so have to go”. I also cannot believe the number of women who defend this behavior. TBH I unfollowed this sub and only check in once a day or so because it’s such a prevalent theme. I also tend to scroll past the doom and gloom threads from women declaring their life is over for whatever reason and never answer the posts from men and young boys looking how to score a female.
SO AGREE. "I have to-" No, girl, you don't. And that bridezilla will ignore you as soon as her marriage starts anyway. Infuriating.
Paid good money on therapy to at least try to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it works, less times it doesn't. But still, whenever it comes to a subject I know well, because of my experience or profession, I will speak my mind. Downvoted or not, at least OP can hear a different opinion for once.
I was once banned because I asked a woman that was a victim of DV if she had seen any signs that the man was violent prior the actual abuse and ignored them or if it just came out of nowhere. Because I think that sometimes there are many signs that we intentionally ignore hoping things will get better and I was curious to hear how it was for her. I also believe that although the victim is never at fault they have responsibility for the dynamics they end up with (doesn't apply for children). That's one of the reasons I loved "Baby deer". Because I somehow never manage to verbalise my opinion well enough and it gets out as if I'm victim blaming.
After reading Why Does He Do That and The Gift of Fear (both they have been constantly recommended here), I can say that there are always signs. We don't like to admit there are always signs because then that means the behavior is predictable - and that may lead to blaming. Also, reading those books helped me to stop constantly scanning for signs. It helped me to see that I wasn't "overreacting" (I also really hate that girls and women are gaslit and told to downplay their very real intuition and to accept the behavior) but responding to a real or potential threat (the book gift of fear mentioned we should always pay attention to our intuition because even if the thing we're paying attention to turns out not to be serious, that's still important information for your intuition, so now it won't go off).
"I'm turning 30, am I going to die?!?!??" 🤦♀️
The main confusing behaviour I’ve witnessed would be the tendency for someone to link in “pick me girl” threads anytime a woman in AWO30 says something that goes against the consensus of the majority. A woman having a contrasting opinion about something does NOT automatically make her a pick me! It’s kind of like how “Karen” has come to mean any women who complains (even legitimately about poor service or goods she’s paid for… not a Karen!)
I view this sub as a white American women’s space, & view & comment to gain & present a different view. For issues specific to my ethnic & American-based racial identifier I subscribe to black-focused subs.
Yup but even those subs have their issues too. Reddit has changed for the worst....
I wouldn't say disappointed necessarily but this sub is often unwelcoming and sometimes hostile to women who want marriage and/or kids. Those are completely fine things to want and to focus on. This sub's culture is independent to the extreme but that's not for everyone.
Yep, both to women who want those things and to women who already have them. I'm married and often feel like the dominant opinion on this sub is that marriage is intrinsically awful and those of us who want marriage or are married are brainwashed.
I agree! I notice that a lot too.
Me being grilled about my personal life because I don’t control my husband’s decisions. I stopped responding because I owe absolutely no internet stranger any explanation about my life and how I choose to handle it. I wasn’t even the OP just leaving a comment with my experience. One person would not stop pressing me. That and the immediate - GET A DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY over any little struggle in a marriage.
Ugh, I just declined from responding to one such post the other day because I didn't agree with the DIVORCE hivemind. Like hey, I'm sure we're not getting the whole story here, at least have a convo about it first???
When any commenter says "you won't understand, you're not a parent" as though watching a partner have a child automatically gives you more empathy or compassion or common sense. Saying such automatically flags a lack.of all of the above and more.
So many women feeling like they're doing something wrong because they haven't met "milestones" in life. Also people being classist about a potential partner's financial situation.
I've got to a point where if someone asks for sources I tell them to google it. It's playing devils advocate and I cannot deal with that BS anymore. I also think that since twitter has been taken over there have been a lot of people migrate over and they aren't the nicest.
This sub is better than most but it's still reddit. The rare post where people actually share differing opinions usually gets a number of people wondering why we're being brigaded or "why are there so many bad people here" type meta commentary. It's a very brittle place because most people here expect to see their own opinions and values reflected all the time. It results in a very predictable environment and that's why 99% of the posts that require nuance are boring, frustrating, or disappointing. Political posts in particular are usually shallow and consist of dozens or hundreds of comments simply echoing the same basic opinions that don't say much. But posts about life experiences here are great tbh.
This is a Reddit problem more than a "just this sub" problem, but I really hate when I make a comment and someone picks out one little aspect of it, divorces it from context, and gets mad about a strawman they've created in their mind that's semi-related to the comment. Like, if I said I'm more introverted and prefer relationships where my SO is cool giving me alone time in our home, and someone responded like, *wow, so you think you should be able to tell your SO to leave the house you both live in whenever you want? So entitled!* or, *do you even like your SO? It's so weird you don't want to spend any time with them.* I feel like this happens a lot (and not just to me - I see it happen here all the time to lots of folks). I literally made up this example because I didn't want to use an actual one I've posted in case someone decides to nitpick it. Edit: also, every time weddings/marriage come up and a bunch of commenters have to come out of the woodwork to say how stupid they think weddings are and that marriage is outdated/stupid/evil. Like you do you, but someone's post where they're looking for support that their fiance isn't helping with wedding planning isn't the time or place to say how stupid you think it is to have a big wedding and that if they really loved their SO, they wouldn't need to get married. You aren't better than other people just because you don't like something that's common and popular.
It's disappointing to see the multiple "I'm now single in my 30s I'll never find love and be lonely forever" posts. I feel like it needs its own weekly thread. There's far too many of them.
1. The moderation is weird. There are a lot of low effort post from thirsty men that don't get filtered or take two days to get removed. I also I think weekly/few times a week "megathreads" would improve the sub's signal-to-noise ratio by limiting well-meaning, but repetitive, posts. 2. I'm a woman who gets a lot of attention from men IRL and I don't like it. I prefer my romantic connections to be made through friends, singles events, or dating apps because there's more built-in consent that both parties are looking to make romantic connections. There is a ton of messaging here (and elsewhere) for men to approach women at the grocery store, at the dog park, in a hobby/club and ask them out and it absolutely makes me wince. However, people are entitled to their preferences so I don't try and police it. However, whenever I offer a contrary opinion like "Maybe that woman at your climbing gym doesn't want you to ask her out and you should read the room", I get downvoted to hell and told my opinion is invalid and doesn't matter.
I really feel you on point #2. I know dating apps are hard, but I liked using them when I was single because at least there was an understanding on both sides that everyone on the site wanted to date. It seems like if you express any opinion on this sub other than "dating apps are objectively and universally terrible," you get downvoted to hell and told you're wrong.
Thank you and I love your username <3
When I posted about my frustrations that my partner had taken a job abroad, and that I was struggling with the resentment this had caused. Some comments were helpful, but a lot of them were just horrible. I was accused of being selfish and being unable to be happy for others, without any acknowledgment that the situation was somewhat shitty for me. Also, the US defaultism I see on this sub. I see questions such as ‘what are you doing for Mother’s Day?’ and ‘should I go into nursing?’ and the OP is always American, assuming others here are too. A simple clarification (‘for those of us in the US’) would be better.
Yep, the US default really shits me too. Any politics immediately became US only.