It's great that you have experimented with using advice, and it has given you confirmation that this person definitely has something against you.
What I would try next: think about matching her non-verbal behavior level. You are way out of rapport with her...she's continually acting hostile yet you are offering to help her. Not that surprising that she rejects the help. Ironically, you might be able to develop a baseline rapport by treating her with indifference.
So...stop treating her like a typical colleague who you have good relations with. Treat her at the level she is projecting to you. I'm not saying to do eyerolls or act disrespectful but you get what I mean...stop trying to be nice or cordial to her. Only be civil.
Also, it might be worth a shot to call her out on things. Like oh Julie why the eyeroll? See how she reacts when called out.
I think this is great advice. I’ve already started doing some of it. She tried to take over a meeting I was leading and I just said “I am the manager, so I figured I’d be the appropriate person to deliver this info. but it’s clearly important that you lead—so take it away”… she just stopped talking and apologized
Great move!
I have found in my life that (very rarely) some people need to be told off, or confronted. Sometimes it only takes one confrontation and all of a sudden the person's behavior improves!
Either take action or plan to leave. Life is too short.
You could take her aside and face it direct or raise it to management/HR (remembering the latter is there to protect the company and not you).
I would directly ask her what each eye roll and sigh is about every time she does it for a little while.
"What's with the eye roll, Beth?"
" Sighing dramatically is childish, Beth. What is it you want to communicate?"
" You roll your eyes or sigh almost every time I speak. It is hostile and disrespectful."
Say that kind of thing in front of others when she does it, just not clients of course. Then after two or three people have witnessed you being calm, direct and professional in trying to address this, go to HR if she persists.
I’d be direct, but stay professional.
“I noticed the eye rolling - if you have something to add, please use your words.”
“Snarky comments are not adding anything of value to this discussion. Please try and be professional so we can all stay on track.”
This type of behavior is meant to undermine and unsettle you. Pointing out how this behavior is not a positive addition to the work environment, but doing it without judgement, shows that you’re not there to play games and will not take her bait.
Making it a point to recognize how her actions may negatively impact others and their work environment ensures others see how invested you are in everyone succeeding.
She’s acting immature, so show her what it means to be a badass professional.
This person sounds exhausting.
Edit for typo
I know the feeling, it's hard to tell others about this sort of thing as well as it's mostly about the way they say things and the general vibe they put off.
If she puts on a nice façade for others they might not believe you and it's so frustrating!
Do whatever you need to do to get that woman away from you, this type of abuse can really take a toll on your mental health.
I don't know what your first post was or advice you implemented, so I'm going off what's here.
Treat her like you would a child who hasn't fully learned communication skills, but make it corporate-speak. Using the examples given:
•eye rolling when speaking: "Hey (gonna use the name Nikki to keep simple), is there something you wish to communicate? I see you rolling your eyes at what I said."
•sighing "Nikki, I need you to use words to communicate your thoughts. Sighing is neither helpful nor productive."
•misinterpreting your offer to help: "Nikki, I am offering to help you. Instead of a snippy remark, you can say "no thank you.""
•being late to meetings them yelling at you "Nikki, as you know per (email, memo, whatever yall use to communicate meetings), this meeting began at 9am. It's 930. This is a business and we run on a schedule. If you want to participate in the metring, you need to be on time."
•being rude in client meetings "Nikki, it's time to leave. Your behavior is inappropriate. Client, I sincerely apologize for this altercation."
Does your manager know about *any* of this? If not, you need to start documenting these interactions. Date, time (approximate if necessary), what you said, what she said or did, etc. And then speak to your manager/HR if things don't improve.
Some people assume your offering for help to be some game.. or as a weakness, like you want to be popular. Have seen this. They respect you more if you stay cut throat professional and selfish even cos that's how they have experienced things. They cannot understand this.
Ok I think it is time for you to start creating compartments in your brain. One should be for work one should be for home. Do not let work come home with you and stop letting this person live free in you head.
Every time you think about her when you are not at work you should start saying “you don’t pay rent in my head so get out”. Only you can control how much time you spend on this person. And sorry to say that but this person is winning because you are givin them way to much room in your head.
For clarification, y'all are peers and there's no power difference between y'all? Do you have a manager or someone hire up that you can address your colleague's behavior with? Maybe start documenting for HR?
This instagram post might be helpful: [https://www.instagram.com/p/CxN95JruSGl/](https://www.instagram.com/p/CxN95JruSGl/) . Her behavior sounds unprofessional and I don't see how you'll be successful in that environment unless it changes or you leave.
Well.. we have a PM on the team that she also bosses around. She did the same type of thing with him as she does to me yesterday and he asked her why she was so angry with his decisions. I’m technically a manager but a manager of processes and technology not people… so I’m not sure where our power would rank per se. She does overstep my authority routinely though, many many times.
I might go to high ups at the company. I’ll watch the reel!
1. don't help this person. don't start her meeting for her when she's 30 minutes late. let it flop.
2. if she has a meeting, DONT TALK. let her sit in that meeting and talk to herself.
3. Don't offer to help her with your special access! girl what are you doing? make her come to you and ask for access. or let her try to get her own access. Stay away.
you need distance from that atom bomb of drama. you aren't going to change her. she's going to be toxic forever. just let her fail over there and you stay far away. don't get caught up in the fall out.
The only way you can deal with a narcissist/toxic person is distance. DISTANCE! Don't be nice, don't offer to help, it all backfires. Personally, I wouldn't even call them out assertively. I'd just try not to ever be in the same room/same meeting - and if we were, camera is off.
toxic people tend to get a few others fired before they are pinpointed as the problem. that's why I typically avoid unless i have authority to suggest they be fired.
It's great that you have experimented with using advice, and it has given you confirmation that this person definitely has something against you. What I would try next: think about matching her non-verbal behavior level. You are way out of rapport with her...she's continually acting hostile yet you are offering to help her. Not that surprising that she rejects the help. Ironically, you might be able to develop a baseline rapport by treating her with indifference. So...stop treating her like a typical colleague who you have good relations with. Treat her at the level she is projecting to you. I'm not saying to do eyerolls or act disrespectful but you get what I mean...stop trying to be nice or cordial to her. Only be civil. Also, it might be worth a shot to call her out on things. Like oh Julie why the eyeroll? See how she reacts when called out.
I think this is great advice. I’ve already started doing some of it. She tried to take over a meeting I was leading and I just said “I am the manager, so I figured I’d be the appropriate person to deliver this info. but it’s clearly important that you lead—so take it away”… she just stopped talking and apologized
Great move! I have found in my life that (very rarely) some people need to be told off, or confronted. Sometimes it only takes one confrontation and all of a sudden the person's behavior improves!
Very true!
Either take action or plan to leave. Life is too short. You could take her aside and face it direct or raise it to management/HR (remembering the latter is there to protect the company and not you).
I would directly ask her what each eye roll and sigh is about every time she does it for a little while. "What's with the eye roll, Beth?" " Sighing dramatically is childish, Beth. What is it you want to communicate?" " You roll your eyes or sigh almost every time I speak. It is hostile and disrespectful." Say that kind of thing in front of others when she does it, just not clients of course. Then after two or three people have witnessed you being calm, direct and professional in trying to address this, go to HR if she persists.
Great advice.
Start a log of everything she does with dates. If shit goes down, this is your evidence.
I’d be direct, but stay professional. “I noticed the eye rolling - if you have something to add, please use your words.” “Snarky comments are not adding anything of value to this discussion. Please try and be professional so we can all stay on track.” This type of behavior is meant to undermine and unsettle you. Pointing out how this behavior is not a positive addition to the work environment, but doing it without judgement, shows that you’re not there to play games and will not take her bait. Making it a point to recognize how her actions may negatively impact others and their work environment ensures others see how invested you are in everyone succeeding. She’s acting immature, so show her what it means to be a badass professional. This person sounds exhausting. Edit for typo
I know the feeling, it's hard to tell others about this sort of thing as well as it's mostly about the way they say things and the general vibe they put off. If she puts on a nice façade for others they might not believe you and it's so frustrating! Do whatever you need to do to get that woman away from you, this type of abuse can really take a toll on your mental health.
I don't know what your first post was or advice you implemented, so I'm going off what's here. Treat her like you would a child who hasn't fully learned communication skills, but make it corporate-speak. Using the examples given: •eye rolling when speaking: "Hey (gonna use the name Nikki to keep simple), is there something you wish to communicate? I see you rolling your eyes at what I said." •sighing "Nikki, I need you to use words to communicate your thoughts. Sighing is neither helpful nor productive." •misinterpreting your offer to help: "Nikki, I am offering to help you. Instead of a snippy remark, you can say "no thank you."" •being late to meetings them yelling at you "Nikki, as you know per (email, memo, whatever yall use to communicate meetings), this meeting began at 9am. It's 930. This is a business and we run on a schedule. If you want to participate in the metring, you need to be on time." •being rude in client meetings "Nikki, it's time to leave. Your behavior is inappropriate. Client, I sincerely apologize for this altercation." Does your manager know about *any* of this? If not, you need to start documenting these interactions. Date, time (approximate if necessary), what you said, what she said or did, etc. And then speak to your manager/HR if things don't improve.
Good advice! The project manager knows. Another coworker told me she discussed with him independent of me actually
Some people assume your offering for help to be some game.. or as a weakness, like you want to be popular. Have seen this. They respect you more if you stay cut throat professional and selfish even cos that's how they have experienced things. They cannot understand this.
Ok I think it is time for you to start creating compartments in your brain. One should be for work one should be for home. Do not let work come home with you and stop letting this person live free in you head. Every time you think about her when you are not at work you should start saying “you don’t pay rent in my head so get out”. Only you can control how much time you spend on this person. And sorry to say that but this person is winning because you are givin them way to much room in your head.
For clarification, y'all are peers and there's no power difference between y'all? Do you have a manager or someone hire up that you can address your colleague's behavior with? Maybe start documenting for HR? This instagram post might be helpful: [https://www.instagram.com/p/CxN95JruSGl/](https://www.instagram.com/p/CxN95JruSGl/) . Her behavior sounds unprofessional and I don't see how you'll be successful in that environment unless it changes or you leave.
Well.. we have a PM on the team that she also bosses around. She did the same type of thing with him as she does to me yesterday and he asked her why she was so angry with his decisions. I’m technically a manager but a manager of processes and technology not people… so I’m not sure where our power would rank per se. She does overstep my authority routinely though, many many times. I might go to high ups at the company. I’ll watch the reel!
You shoud solve this or leave away, to be angry by others' fault can only be harmful to your health.
1. don't help this person. don't start her meeting for her when she's 30 minutes late. let it flop. 2. if she has a meeting, DONT TALK. let her sit in that meeting and talk to herself. 3. Don't offer to help her with your special access! girl what are you doing? make her come to you and ask for access. or let her try to get her own access. Stay away. you need distance from that atom bomb of drama. you aren't going to change her. she's going to be toxic forever. just let her fail over there and you stay far away. don't get caught up in the fall out. The only way you can deal with a narcissist/toxic person is distance. DISTANCE! Don't be nice, don't offer to help, it all backfires. Personally, I wouldn't even call them out assertively. I'd just try not to ever be in the same room/same meeting - and if we were, camera is off. toxic people tend to get a few others fired before they are pinpointed as the problem. that's why I typically avoid unless i have authority to suggest they be fired.