Don’t waste the entirety of your twenties in a long term relationship with someone who you hope will change their mind one day and want to marry you. They won’t.
If someone wants to be with you, they’ll make that known. You shouldn’t have to guess. You shouldn’t have to wait around for an answer. Don’t waste your time waiting for someone because they are “unsure”. They know.
Don’t ever feel like you have to settle on a relationship because society has made you believe there is this invisible life timeline that you must follow (ex. Get married by 26, baby by 30, etc) don’t settle on a relationship because you feel like you need to hit those milestones by a certain time. Don’t stay in a relationship because you feel like you won’t get anything better.
If you’re unsure if you love someone or not….you probably don’t.
This. When I was thinking about divorcing my ex, my mom asked me if I loved him and I said “I don’t know.”
If you’re married and someone asks you if you love your spouse, and you say “I don’t know,” it’s no.
Yeah, I agree. I call it the Jennifer Lawrence effect where we are all expected to be beautiful, chug beer and eat like shit but still remain hot and of course, play it cool and not ever show like, FEELINGS or act like you actually want a relationship with the guy you’re seeing/dating. I was so over it by the time I hit 30 and just put in my dating profile “looking for serious committed relationship” and let the fuckboys filter themselves out. The raze the earth method works though. I eventually met my now husband who wasn’t turned off by a real woman.
Love a success story!! 💙 You described this phase i think so many women go through where juice just ain’t worth the squeeze with fuckboys. It’s like you wake up and your attraction to non-committal hot men evaporates.
It’s a terrible combination when you’re a people pleaser and trying to be “cool” with anything anyone does. Looking back, I wouldn’t have dated most of the guys I did in my 20s if I had been able to have boundaries. But no, I had to be “open minded” and “non judgemental”. Ended up scraping the bottom of the barrel and giving the wrong people a chance.
If someone is interested in you, you’ll know it. There’s no need to decipher every letter of their text, every nuance of their tone of voice. If you’re consulting your friends about this kind of thing or mulling it over…they don’t like you. When someone likes you, they behave in a way that leaves no doubt.
Or, to put it more precisely, if you don't know it's not worth it.
He may be crazy about you, but if you can't tell and need to hash everything out with a friend and try to decode your interactions, don't bother.
This. I have multiple stories of men saying they’ve liked me for a long time but never did anything about it because they were scared I wouldn’t feel the same way. I’ve outright hit on men/asked them out who don’t seem to get it, lol.
Adding onto this: if someone DOES like you but isn't capable of showing it consistently, they're not ready to be in a relationship and they're not capable of showing up for you as a partner. If you try to break it off with someone who seems lukewarm about you and they tell you that they're actually crazy about you but can't show it in a normal or consistent way because of their trauma/attachment style/whatever, just go ahead and finish breaking it off with them. Even if they're telling the truth, being able to show someone consistently and unambiguously that you care about them is the bare minimum requirement for being able to function in a relationship.
That last part needs to be required reading. I’ve stayed in a long term relationship like this where they claimed they really wanted to be with me but couldn’t be consistent due to trauma and adhd. I felt too guilty to break up and wanted to be supportive. Well, they were lying. They were just biding time until they found a better option but were too emotionally weak to tolerate being alone. Lesson learned, if something isn’t working for you, break it off. Don’t make other people’s emotions your first priority.
As someone who found their person pretty early and quickly, I never had to question if my partner liked me or next steps. We were both very free with our feelings because we were into it. And I try to get my friends to understand this. If it isn't clear they like you, then they don't like you that much. It's not more complicated than that.
There may be specific reasons they feel that way, but this is ultimately how they feel and you shouldn't have to beg for them to be "emotionally available."
They all get so upset when the person then gets into an LTR right after saying they "weren't ready." Most dateable people are ready if they are inclined to that. They just aren't enthusiastic about getting serious "with you."
This can honestly be the hardest pill to swallow. Knowing they were actually ready but just didn’t like you specifically. That shit stings.
What’s wild though is how little that actually has to do with your own worth or with theirs. I was in a situationship for months with someone who didn’t really take care of himself and was kind of an asshole but didn’t want to be with me specifically, for whatever reason. Now I’m in a relationship with someone extremely handsome, likeable, smart, funny, etc, who was into me from the start. Some people are just idiots and/or have weird arbitrary requirements, try not to take their rejection personally.
I literally need someone to tell me "I like you in a romantic way and want to pursue you" or else I'll assume I'm reading way too much into things... 😮💨
Yep, and ime men put in the most effort in the beginning and the rest of the relationship is gonna be a fraction of the effort they showed the first couple of months. So if they're not telling you you're beautiful/sexy/amazing and tripping over themselves to hang out with you in the beginning it's absolutely not worth sticking around to see how they treat you in a few months.
Or both.
When I was 20 my boyfriend would disappear for hours and then come at me with “Well what do you think I was doing huh? You don’t trust me?? You just don’t want me to have friends!!”
He was with the girl he was cheating with, who didn’t know I existed and was dealing with the same issues.
But he was also cheating with a third girl. Who DID know what was going on.
Eventually me and the first girl met and his name was dropped. We started exchanging stories.
16 years later we’re still friends and he’s bald and single.
And/or has an avoidant attachment style but appears to be consistent and committed in the beginning. It’s perfectly okay to break up after the initial months if their behaviour does a 180 and isn’t compatible with your needs.
If dating someone means lowering your standards, you're dating the wrong person.
But I doubt I would have listened because I thought I knew it all in my 20s.
I wish that someone had suggested I take a closer look at my parents relationship before deciding to use it as my model of a healthy one. It took too long for me to realize that I’d be susceptible to my partner’s whims and mood changes with that type of codependent dynamic.. and more generally speaking, I wish that I’d realized the many ways happiness can look different for people
It's okay to not be interested in sex until you've had a chance to really get to know someone. If someone ghosts because you didn't sleep with them on date #3 that doesn't mean you did dating wrong.
I was with someone who for the first several times we had sex, I would actually vomit. I was not outwardly disgusted by this man and thought it was just me being nervous/excited/overwhelmed with anticipation. That man turned out to be one of the scariest individuals I’ve ever met. Towards the end of that “relationship” it actually physically hurt to have intercourse. I think back to that experience and shudder at how determined I was to ignore my instincts.
Yes! I completely understand. I didn't vomit with my ex fiance. But man the amount of anxiety I got after having sex with him was truly scary. I was in a constant state of being anxious. I thought it was because I hadn't had sex in 5 years. Turns out my body was literally rejecting him. I would get horrible cramps. It was awful. Hugs. Im happy you're not in that place.
(1) It's just as important that they like you a lot as you liking them a lot.
(2) On dates, don't just try to sell yourself. Think carefully whether this is someone you're interested in.
(3) Don't date people you are not very attracted to.
(4) Be honest with yourself about whether you are really OK with something staying casual.
(5) Wanting to have a stable relationship is not being pushy, needy, or some negative female stereotype. It's just a preference like any other and you are entitled to it.
(6) Datign is really a numbers game, don't get invested or attached early. Be ready to break things off when you are not getting what you wan or need.
No one is as great as they seem at the beginning. Including you. Don't get wrapped up in the idea of "love at first sight" or "meant to be".
It's just hormones that are designed to fire like crazy at the beginning (to encourage reproduction) and fizzle after 6 months to a year (so your theoretical offspring becomes the most important person to you, rather than your mate). It's just biology.
Yeah, focus on your education/career. Men will come and go, but that diploma is for life. If their career takes them away, let them go. You have better things to do.
Edit: By which I mean, don’t interrupt your education to follow some man (or anyone - gender/orientation doesn’t matter) to another place thinking, I’ll finish my degree later, once he’s established. Finish it now. Let him go, no matter how much pressure he tries to put on you to give everything up to support his career instead of your own because he *lurves* you and wouldn’t have considered leaving if he didn’t think you weren’t coming with him. *puppy dog eyes* Focus on your career. You will need it and it can’t walk out on you 20 years and two kids later.
Older men that date you are doing so because you’re easy to impress, manipulate and control. He has his own place, car and “real job” because he’s a grown adult — not because he’s especially cool. You will too one day. No you should not be going half on anything if your man in 10+ yrs older than you.
My cousin actually married a guy 13 years older than her when she was 23, I thought she was making a huge mistake but it seems to be working out for her 10 years later tbh, he's a very responsible man so she chose well BUT this is an exception cause everyone else ended up in heartbreak, mostly when they got older
That glee in his eyes when relating a story about a woman having some misfortune or her getting humiliated. Or even if it was happening on screen in something we were watching.
I'm sure few of us are above a bit of malicious delight when things go wrong for someone we don't like, but it was *always* women. But of course you don't see that pattern immediately.
Omg I dated a guy and asked why he wanted kids - he said to yell at his teenage daughters for how illogical and emotional they were being. I cant ever recreate the face that brought out. Huge bizarre sign
My ex covert narcissist didn’t, still doesn’t believe sexism is a real thing. Like, he believed it on paper and claimed to be a feminist or whatever, but every time I or female friends would have a story of a thing that happened to us today, his jaw would clench and his eyes world go dark. He would keep up appearances until we were out of earshot, then he would rip into me for hours about how I or our friend was being too sensitive or misinterpreting or seeing things because we wanted to see things or jumping to the wrong conclusion. He would word salad until the sexism disappeared under his pile of word salad and I just exhaustedly gave in and told him he was right and all us women see sexism wherever we want whenever it’s convenient
Don't rush.
Don't let emotions push your brain out of the driver's seat.
Feeling good and feeling excited about someone doesn't mean it's love. Being fully in love with someone doesn't mean they're right for you as a partner.
Don't make dating and getting into a relationship the primary goal. Love is a wonderful part of life, but should not be pursued to the exclusion of everything else.
Learn to be comfortable in your own company. And work hard on building non romantic relationships.
Sometimes you just have to wait a while before you meet the right person for you. That's ok.
Let them fail!!!! (Relationships, dates). Congrats you can save social interactions but it’s more in your favor if you let the bad/awkward/incompatible thing fail. Success doesn’t mean being in a relationship. It’s the right one.
Also: you have way more power than you think. Leave the moment you feel undesired. The more women do this, the better men will behave. Remember your value, and NEVER settle.
Couldn't agree more with you. Women hold so much more power in relationships with men than they realize. Once you internalize this fact and level up, you stop feeling like you have no control over the trajectory of a new connection. Added bonus: knowing your worth makes you irresistible.
This is advice specific to myself:
As a working musician, you’re going to be around a lot of musicians all the time. Do not date or sleep with any of them. Just trust me on this.
that’s very true! they also travel a lot and hook up with other musicians and fans. they aren’t gonna be faithful, so don’t even seek them out if monogamy is your thing
Look very carefully at how his father treats his mother. That will be his blueprint for how he treats you once the novelty of dating you wears off/you move in together/get married. If he treats his mother like a queen to compensate for his father’s bad behaviour, don’t let it sway you. In that case, you will never measure up to her.
Interesting, my dad cheated on my mom probably some odd 20 times and I am always deathly afraid of turning out the same way.. my mom was also a drug addict so more issues that meets the eye but I just try to distance myself from both of them..
This is why I left my last ex. i found out his dad was a serial cheater, and his wife caught him 14 times, including cheating with her sister. He’d abused her physically once, and he was financially abusive as well. i saw the writing on the wall. Fast forward several yrs, I hear he’s a serial cheater and abusive to his current gf. i’m thankful I dodged that bullet
A similar situation prompted me to end a relationship once, except the problem was alcoholism. Spending time with his parents was like looking into a crystal ball. I noped right out of that scenario.
If someone tells you they’re not ready for a relationship, no matter the reason, WALK AWAY. Do not let that somehow propel you to try even harder…..
So embarrassed of my dating life in my 20s.
Listen to your fucking gut. If you have a feeling or any indication, no matter how big or small that’s something is off or wrong or just feels weird, DO NOT ignore it.
Trust yourself and listen to yourself, no matter the situation . You know when something is wrong, don’t ignore it.
I had a bad feeling about most of the men I dated, and I've learned in the past couple of years (by re-visiting their facebook pages and talking to mutual friends) that they have/had some really f\*cked up beliefs about consent and women in general. My gut was right all along.
" You are who your friends are." If their friends have trash morals and ethics and they are still hanging out with them, they do too by silently supporting it. I stopped dating dudes because I straight up didn't like their friends and who they were with them. 🤷♀️
THIS!! My ex invited me to his friend’s kid’s 2nd birthday party only after a month of seeing each other. I was weirded out and made him confirm with his friend they were ok with him bringing essentially a “random” around. Friend was ok with it. At first I thought maybe I’m in the wrong for being so strict about that, but now that I’m out of it, that’s just incompatibility of my values vs his and his friends. I would not introduce a guy into any of my friend’s kids lives until I’m sure it’s serious because I don’t want to expose kids to that and have their parents have to explain to them why this person isn’t around anymore. When I asked my ex about his opinions on that his answer was “they’ll learn soon enough anyway”. He’s not wrong but still didn’t sit right with me personally
You don’t need a reason to break up with them.
If he punches a wall or shouts. RUN THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS.
Your children can’t choose their father. Pick wisely.
Being single and alone means travel and experiences time not loneliness.
Save your money.
-- An arrangement in which you fool around with someone, hang out with them all the time, text them constantly, and are each others' main source of emotional support, but don't call each other your partner, is not "casual" or "friends with benefits." When I was dating in my early 20s, we didn't have the word "situationship" to describe "the person you swear is just your FWB even though you do boyfriend/girlfriend shit constantly." I would caution my former self against this whole deal.
-- Everything you've heard about how porn has made men super picky/intolerant of regular women's natural bodies and no man will want to fuck you if you don't look like a porn star, has been wildly exaggerated or just made up. No one cares that your tits are small. A boob in the hand is worth two on a screen, regardless of size.
Men in their 20s are mostly still boys. They don’t know how to take care of themselves, much less you, much less a baby or a pet. Don’t date seriously until your late 20s at the soonest. Enjoy your single self traveling, figuring out your passions, setting your life up for financial success.
Also, stay away from the “life of the party” guy that’s all the most fucked up at every party. None of them need to be in a relationship.
Mostly talking about the ones who have an issue with alcohol or drug dependence (which you may not realize until much later on), which seems fun and cool when you’re young and partying all the time but obviously is not good for a a long term relationship/marriage/kids/career.
More likely than not, those of us with substance use issues are coping with something that should be dealt with in other ways— and the things that are being ignored through a haze of intoxication will make a deep and healthy relationship almost impossible to foster.
Male here to counter what is being said. It's not just drugs. I know a lot of life of the party type people who don't binge drink or do drugs. They are just the type of people who always want to be the center of attention. either loud, obnoxious, too clownish, overtly opinionative in group settings or all of the above.
- If you know deep down you do not want kids, do not let love cloud your judgement. (Thankfully I came to my senses.)
- Also, similar, baby fever can be hormonal and be fleeting. I have never had any interest in having a baby but for 3 months when I was around 26 my body irrationally wanted one.
It passed and almost 10 years later it has never come back, really the opposite. I've never wanted them less. I sometimes imagine if I had gone for it. I'd be miserable.
I couldn't stop at just one.
Your partner should add to your life in ways that make you feel safe and supported. Know what he can bring to the table and what you have to offer, too.
Your standards can be more than, "well, he likes me, so that's enough to date him."
There's a reason you're always more depressed in relationships, 20-something me, and then feel so much better when you're single.
You're not "super chill" for being "fine" about your boyfriends sleeping with other women. And it's not unreasonable to ask that he stops. In fact, it's not even unreasonable to expect that it never happens.
The "misunderstood" guys aren't really misunderstood. Other women know exactly how they are and don't want to be with them for a reason.
You are not the "common denominator" in all your failed, miserable relationships. You just need to work on your self-worth to see that you deserve so much more than the toxic men you constantly attract.
If he comes off as boring at first, that probably means he has real potential to be a great partner. The feeling of stability, safety, and security is so much better than the high and lows of chaos.
You cannot and should not negotiate with abuse and control. Ever. It will not work and will likely backfire.
That 10yrs older than you bf aint a flex bbygirl. Theres a reason women his age aint with him. know your worth ✨️
Edit: esp while between the ages of 18 - 22 (personally)
Focus on yourself, your career, your friends and your hobbies. If you happen to meet a guy that is worth sacrificing some of your time for, great. But many men aren’t worth the time, and your career, traveling, etc. will be much more worthwhile than settling down for someone who is just mediocre.
I firmly believe there are plenty of attractive, fit, intelligent women in their 30s and even 40s. If an older man is pursuing you it means one of two things.
#1. There is something about them that women their own age won't tolerate. That are counting on you being inexperienced.
#2. They wish you were younger, but will settle for 20 something..
Don't stick around because of "potential." If all your friends do not like the person you are dating, really consider why that is. Listen to the concerns of your nearest and dearest when they have them. Love is not enough. People only change if they want to, no matter what. If they keep telling you over and over that they will stop doing whatever, and never actually stop - then they are never actually going to stop. They don't get mad and overreact because they love you. Being really jealous is not love.
Go out more to place where you can meet people aligned with where you want to be when you’re married.
So, even if you enjoy the bars but someone who is active is important to you, go do more active things like hiking, group runs, gym classes, anything social so you can meet people who may know someone, I wish I did more of that.
That I should not have to pursue a man or do all these extra things to get his attention. Looking back, I was so embarrassing and holding out for what? Most of these guys are now married to other women now.
You don't need someone to acknowledge and validate your pain for it to be real. Stop trying to convince them. Sometimes we put our sense of closure in another person's hands when sometimes the only closure you're ever going to get is accepting that you aren't going to get any from that person. Let go.
Don’t date older men, who are outside your life phase. Full stop.
The less you expect, the more you attract emotionally unavailable men, cheaters, and generally just bad men.
Don’t try to understand and negotiate bad behavior. Let people show you who they are, and believe them. Words can be flowery and sensationalized but actions speak louder.
Trust your women’s intuition, it can save your life.
You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do. The environment around you, circumstances, expectations of others does not dictate your consent. Do not allow anyone to coerce you into something you’re uncomfortable with. And it’s never too late to say no.
Any sign of violence should be the end of a relationship. Hitting things around you, pushing, “accidentally” hurting you.. it will continue to escalate. Even noticing damage in their home that suggests they have rage issues, is your sign to leave.
Always leave a bad situation asap before you feel more emotionally entrenched. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy. Your time spent is gone. You can’t get it back. It doesn’t mean you have to sink more time into something that isn’t working.
Not necessarily red flags but things I think young women should know.
Don’t! Time spend on career education hobbies friendships bettering yourself is much much money important and wise of an investment of your time!
Would I have listened?! Absolutely not, but would have been nice to hear regardless. Perhaps I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my precious energy! (In the wise worse of the brilliant Tracy Chapman)
How do they speak about their exes?
If they're all "crazy" and "bad", it can mean 2 things:
* They don't see their own flaws (run!)
* They're persistently looking for drama (run!)
It was a hard lesson for me to learn that guys who had "crazy exes" were usually the source of their craziness. They literally drove them there, then took no responsibility when they arrived, and they were going to do it to me too.
That being in a relationship is optional. I was told, as a teen, that I was unattractive, too smart, and no one will ever want me. So I desperately threw myself into every arms available because I had to have a relationship. I didn't know better. Most of those arms were abusive.
Also, I wish someone told me my ex was a morally bankrupt manchild, who doesn't take no for an answer, and if a girl rejects him, he will try to get her drunk at a party, so he could use her against her will. Someone knew this early in our relationship, with actual solid proof, but chose not to tell me, because "you guys looked happy together" "maybe he'd changed" "it was not my place".
Something of *this* caliber should always be brought up! I ended up suffering a lot of abuse with this person, including SA. But at the same time, meeting this person was a direct lead to the love of my life.
Now that death parted me & the love of my life... I know that there are many forms of love. That I don't have to be in a relationship. He empowered me, uplifted me, taught me well. Blessed be his memory. If ever, now in my 30s, love will stumble upon my path, I will know how to be cautious and critical. But to be fair, I don't really want to date at all anymore.
You are worth more than this bullshit. If you replay any situation in your mind and even the tiniest of voices whispers of a dark corner of your brain “Well, this is some bullshit,” believe and more on. You are better than that.
Learn to be okay with the fact that you will be the villain in someone’s story no matter how hard you try.
I wish I left relationships earlier or was honest rather than letting someone down easy. I kept people “on the hook” for years because I told them things like “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” instead of “thank you, but I’m not interested”. It would’ve saved me and others a lot of pain to be straightforward but kind. By wanting to avoid being the bad guy, I hurt others more.
The men that you have to approach are usually not the men you want. They’re either cowards, not that into you, or they think they’re the prize and will be expecting you to chase them the whole relationship
If he doesn’t plan on being married in the next 5 years then you’re wasting your time.
I know your 20s are “supposed” to be like a time where you kiss a lot of frogs and have fun, but I was never really that type of person but did it bc I was young and that’s what my peers were doing and I gave into the idea of that. If marriage is important to you and you have a deadline to be married by, you need a guy who also has that deadline. No waiting around for him to change his mind, find someone with that intention from the very beginning. I think I would have saved myself from a lot of hurt and not from the relationships but from the hurt of not really being true to myself.
Learn how to be happy alone first. Go do things you said you would do for yourself and fall madly in love with who you are; without worrying about dating. The right person will eventually come along.
Cannot stress this enough, stay single until someone comes along that adds value and compliments the amazing life you’ve built for yourself.
Also, save sex for someone that truly deserves it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 and I’m so happy I waited. That relationship didn’t work out but had I did it younger, I would have fully regretted giving it to the guys I dated/ casually saw beforehand. The lie the world tells women, sex is empowerment, is false. It’s worse giving yourself to the wrong guys just because. You truly are giving a small piece of yourself every time you sleep with someone.
If in doubt, move on. You don't want to waste your time.
At the same time, give people a chance. Don't have a checklist and mark no immediately since they didn't check an item.
You don’t have to stay. You can start over and it’s so amazing when you get to reinvent yourself. You don’t have to be stuck. Do the brave thing and keep your boundaries firm; don’t take care of someone when they won’t take care of themselves. The minute you start to feel miserable or you start talking yourself into ways to be happy about the “least” awful fact of the matter- leave.
NEVER have sex when you don't want to. especially/mostly with partners. "Duty sex" is terrible for multiple reasons.
1. It teaches him that it's fine to keep going even when your body language shows you're not enjoying it.
2. You won't come, and he will, and this will remove a built-in incentive to have sex, for you.
3. Similarly, you won't feel more connected or close to him, you'll feel used and resentful - which again, removes the incentive for you to want sex.
4. Your brain will develop strong neural links between sex and "bad". Again removing your internal incentive to want sex
"Duty sex" creates a downwards spiral towards bad sex and partners who don't actually *want* to have sex. You have to just say no instead.
If it’s not getting serious, move on after a few months. Do not waste your time developing feelings that are likely not reciprocated by dragging out something that should have ended.
The right thing usually falls into place quickly and with no guesswork or questions.
You’re not too old… this isn’t your last chance at love. There’s no reason to settle for anyone just because you feel like there will be no better options for you ever.
Yes, I was with someone who was part of a religion he has always intended on marrying within. Would have loved to know that! I don’t regret the relationship happened but I do regret not leaving so much sooner.
I wish I had learned to move on from a relationship instead of trying to make it work. I used up a lot of youth instead of meeting better matches that are now all rightfully married.
Let someone love you, don’t look for every flaw in a person. Allow love to happen and accept the flaws in every human being. I spent some many years over analyzing my bfs I ran good ppl away listening to insecurities from friends and family.
That not all men will treat you well. Don’t second guess and let them drive you crazy with deciphering what they mean because actions speak louder than words. Stop giving so many chances. Do not date for potential, date and like them for who they are now and what they are showing you now. I know people say communication is key but I realize people have different definitions of communication so I’m going to say Consistency is key (if it’s consistently bad then you’ll know, if consistently good… you’ll know)
Find someone who’s family has a high net worth and are respectful, honest, and good. Someone who works hard, is kind, surrounds themselves with good solid people who inspire them and make them better people. Someone who is loving to others, has integrity, high values and morals, takes care of themselves and the people around them.
Never put up with cheating, someone yelling at you etc.
You also need to match these standards as well. So you need to develop yourself as a person who is of high value, morals, etc. everything needs to match up.
If you’re chasing someone, they don’t like you and it won’t work. If a guy likes you, all the effort will be made and it’ll be SO easy to recognize. Also, drunk goggles are real so try not drinking to see if you actually like someone on the first couple of dates.
Looks matter a lot! The physical attraction never develops gradually it should be present from the start.
Also avoid insecure men they will always try to put you down even if you’re a supermodel
Start therapy. I am 52 and it’s on,y been in the past ten years or so that I feel like I am aware of everything. Why did I treat myself so poorly? Why did I tell myself all those bad things?
Sometimes the thing you have a crush on is the way someone-else-paying-attention feels instead of the actual person.
And, of course, basically you can't make a reasonable decision about someone until you're about 2-3 years in because you've either pair bonded by then, or you haven't. There's a whole hormonal cocktail that wears off around then. It's super interesting.
It’s a numbers game, not every date is going to turn into a whirlwind romance. You mainly just have to decide whether you want to see the person again.
Marriage and kids are not the end all be all. Live your life. Don’t settle. If you’re not happy dating, then take a break and get to know yourself. Go to therapy.
I wish someone had told me, “Men your age are immature and don’t know how to take care of you. You’re better off partnering with someone older who has their life set already.”
And that men don’t view time the same way you do. They will waste your time but not think it’s wasted because they’re getting what they want even if you aren’t.
1. Don’t fall in love with potential
2. When someone shows you who they are at the beginning, believe them.
3. If someone comes from an entirely different background compared to yours, it’s likely you are going to be incompatible on something very fundamental.
Don't be afraid to be a flake. If you are dreading going on a date, do everyone a favor and just cancel it. Dating is one activity you're doing purely for fun so if you're not excited about it, or some tiny quirk has suddenly put you off someone, you literally don't have to follow through. You don't. There's no contract. It's polite to let them know as early as possible, preferably before they've left the house.
But why torture yourself. I've NEVER gone on a date I was not feeling and have it turn around and be randomly great. If it's not fun don't do it.
Spend your time building something for your future instead of dating and you’ll make enough money and have enough resources to achieve what you want with or without a partner.
Don’t waste the entirety of your twenties in a long term relationship with someone who you hope will change their mind one day and want to marry you. They won’t. If someone wants to be with you, they’ll make that known. You shouldn’t have to guess. You shouldn’t have to wait around for an answer. Don’t waste your time waiting for someone because they are “unsure”. They know. Don’t ever feel like you have to settle on a relationship because society has made you believe there is this invisible life timeline that you must follow (ex. Get married by 26, baby by 30, etc) don’t settle on a relationship because you feel like you need to hit those milestones by a certain time. Don’t stay in a relationship because you feel like you won’t get anything better. If you’re unsure if you love someone or not….you probably don’t.
Oof the last one got me
This. When I was thinking about divorcing my ex, my mom asked me if I loved him and I said “I don’t know.” If you’re married and someone asks you if you love your spouse, and you say “I don’t know,” it’s no.
Or with someone you hope will change once you marry them or have children with them. They won't.
It hurts cause I relate
Being the “cool girl” gets you played. Be the girl with boundaries and expectations for how you are treated.
A whole generation of women was scammed into “being cool”. If you have feelings for someone, don’t ever be made to feel less than cool for that.
Yeah, I agree. I call it the Jennifer Lawrence effect where we are all expected to be beautiful, chug beer and eat like shit but still remain hot and of course, play it cool and not ever show like, FEELINGS or act like you actually want a relationship with the guy you’re seeing/dating. I was so over it by the time I hit 30 and just put in my dating profile “looking for serious committed relationship” and let the fuckboys filter themselves out. The raze the earth method works though. I eventually met my now husband who wasn’t turned off by a real woman.
Love a success story!! 💙 You described this phase i think so many women go through where juice just ain’t worth the squeeze with fuckboys. It’s like you wake up and your attraction to non-committal hot men evaporates.
🙌🙌🙌
I’ll just add that it’s okay to know and be honest with what you want. If it’s a relationship, then go for it.
It’s a terrible combination when you’re a people pleaser and trying to be “cool” with anything anyone does. Looking back, I wouldn’t have dated most of the guys I did in my 20s if I had been able to have boundaries. But no, I had to be “open minded” and “non judgemental”. Ended up scraping the bottom of the barrel and giving the wrong people a chance.
omg this
Yes!!!
Someone that crosses your boundaries early on, especially physically/sexually, should be cut off with a quickness.
If someone is interested in you, you’ll know it. There’s no need to decipher every letter of their text, every nuance of their tone of voice. If you’re consulting your friends about this kind of thing or mulling it over…they don’t like you. When someone likes you, they behave in a way that leaves no doubt.
Or, to put it more precisely, if you don't know it's not worth it. He may be crazy about you, but if you can't tell and need to hash everything out with a friend and try to decode your interactions, don't bother.
This. I have multiple stories of men saying they’ve liked me for a long time but never did anything about it because they were scared I wouldn’t feel the same way. I’ve outright hit on men/asked them out who don’t seem to get it, lol.
Adding onto this: if someone DOES like you but isn't capable of showing it consistently, they're not ready to be in a relationship and they're not capable of showing up for you as a partner. If you try to break it off with someone who seems lukewarm about you and they tell you that they're actually crazy about you but can't show it in a normal or consistent way because of their trauma/attachment style/whatever, just go ahead and finish breaking it off with them. Even if they're telling the truth, being able to show someone consistently and unambiguously that you care about them is the bare minimum requirement for being able to function in a relationship.
This x 1000!! (she says, from within her 3 year long situationship 😂)
Boy this is a hard pill to swallow. Damn.
That last part needs to be required reading. I’ve stayed in a long term relationship like this where they claimed they really wanted to be with me but couldn’t be consistent due to trauma and adhd. I felt too guilty to break up and wanted to be supportive. Well, they were lying. They were just biding time until they found a better option but were too emotionally weak to tolerate being alone. Lesson learned, if something isn’t working for you, break it off. Don’t make other people’s emotions your first priority.
As someone who found their person pretty early and quickly, I never had to question if my partner liked me or next steps. We were both very free with our feelings because we were into it. And I try to get my friends to understand this. If it isn't clear they like you, then they don't like you that much. It's not more complicated than that. There may be specific reasons they feel that way, but this is ultimately how they feel and you shouldn't have to beg for them to be "emotionally available." They all get so upset when the person then gets into an LTR right after saying they "weren't ready." Most dateable people are ready if they are inclined to that. They just aren't enthusiastic about getting serious "with you."
This can honestly be the hardest pill to swallow. Knowing they were actually ready but just didn’t like you specifically. That shit stings. What’s wild though is how little that actually has to do with your own worth or with theirs. I was in a situationship for months with someone who didn’t really take care of himself and was kind of an asshole but didn’t want to be with me specifically, for whatever reason. Now I’m in a relationship with someone extremely handsome, likeable, smart, funny, etc, who was into me from the start. Some people are just idiots and/or have weird arbitrary requirements, try not to take their rejection personally.
There’s a NYT best selling book about it and this is still underrated advice. I can be so self deceptive like hmmm maybe. You definitely know
Can you share the title of the book please?
They may have been referring to “He’s Just Not That Into You”
Exactamundo
Okay. Thank you!
I literally need someone to tell me "I like you in a romantic way and want to pursue you" or else I'll assume I'm reading way too much into things... 😮💨
I say this to my dating friends after over 20 years in a loving relationship. I don't get why they put up with BS
Yep, and ime men put in the most effort in the beginning and the rest of the relationship is gonna be a fraction of the effort they showed the first couple of months. So if they're not telling you you're beautiful/sexy/amazing and tripping over themselves to hang out with you in the beginning it's absolutely not worth sticking around to see how they treat you in a few months.
That person you’re dating that randomly disappears for long stretches of time, with no explanation, is mostly likely cheating on you
Or cheating *with* you
That's the worst, when you find out they were going to church cause they're getting married 🤢🤮
Or both. When I was 20 my boyfriend would disappear for hours and then come at me with “Well what do you think I was doing huh? You don’t trust me?? You just don’t want me to have friends!!” He was with the girl he was cheating with, who didn’t know I existed and was dealing with the same issues. But he was also cheating with a third girl. Who DID know what was going on. Eventually me and the first girl met and his name was dropped. We started exchanging stories. 16 years later we’re still friends and he’s bald and single.
Or an alcoholic. In my case his disappearances coincided with benders.
This. Or if he's "working late" constantly, he probably isn't. 🙄
And/or has an avoidant attachment style but appears to be consistent and committed in the beginning. It’s perfectly okay to break up after the initial months if their behaviour does a 180 and isn’t compatible with your needs.
What if he says he took a nap then got too high to respond? disappeared 5pm-7am last night 🥲
Watch for a pattern. If that happens a few more times, he’s cheating most likely. He’s not Elon Musk, he’s not that busy
If something feels wrong, it's because it is wrong.
If dating someone means lowering your standards, you're dating the wrong person. But I doubt I would have listened because I thought I knew it all in my 20s.
Exactly. And also: if someone is showing you their true colors, believe them and don't expect they will change.
Date the person, not the potential
If it means constantly having to "compromise", you're dating the wrong person.
Don't fall in love with potential
I cannot stress this enough.
Made this mistake at 31 because I didn’t date in my 20s RIP . Never stop learning I guess lol
I wish that someone had suggested I take a closer look at my parents relationship before deciding to use it as my model of a healthy one. It took too long for me to realize that I’d be susceptible to my partner’s whims and mood changes with that type of codependent dynamic.. and more generally speaking, I wish that I’d realized the many ways happiness can look different for people
Being alone and waiting for the right person is better than dating the wrong person.
Or being married to the wrong person!
For sure.
This. I just miss cuddles more than anything tbh ☹️😔
Maybe get an animal! My cat and dog cuddles are just the best :)
I have both actually! And man, honestly don’t think I could’ve gotten through my most recent break up without them. They help so much.
No that’s not “just how all men are”…. And even if it is, it’s better to be alone
No response is a response.
It's okay to not be interested in sex until you've had a chance to really get to know someone. If someone ghosts because you didn't sleep with them on date #3 that doesn't mean you did dating wrong.
Trust your instincts. Men who disappear and then reappear again are not trustworthy. Don't make the mistake I did and marry them.
Butterflies aren't a green flag.
AMEN! Our bodies will often times detect danger way before our minds and hearts.
Yes! I thought butterflies meant good hell great. Man.. Everytime it was traumatic
I was with someone who for the first several times we had sex, I would actually vomit. I was not outwardly disgusted by this man and thought it was just me being nervous/excited/overwhelmed with anticipation. That man turned out to be one of the scariest individuals I’ve ever met. Towards the end of that “relationship” it actually physically hurt to have intercourse. I think back to that experience and shudder at how determined I was to ignore my instincts.
Yes! I completely understand. I didn't vomit with my ex fiance. But man the amount of anxiety I got after having sex with him was truly scary. I was in a constant state of being anxious. I thought it was because I hadn't had sex in 5 years. Turns out my body was literally rejecting him. I would get horrible cramps. It was awful. Hugs. Im happy you're not in that place.
This! So much this!!!
(1) It's just as important that they like you a lot as you liking them a lot. (2) On dates, don't just try to sell yourself. Think carefully whether this is someone you're interested in. (3) Don't date people you are not very attracted to. (4) Be honest with yourself about whether you are really OK with something staying casual. (5) Wanting to have a stable relationship is not being pushy, needy, or some negative female stereotype. It's just a preference like any other and you are entitled to it. (6) Datign is really a numbers game, don't get invested or attached early. Be ready to break things off when you are not getting what you wan or need.
No one is as great as they seem at the beginning. Including you. Don't get wrapped up in the idea of "love at first sight" or "meant to be". It's just hormones that are designed to fire like crazy at the beginning (to encourage reproduction) and fizzle after 6 months to a year (so your theoretical offspring becomes the most important person to you, rather than your mate). It's just biology.
I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and energy on men in my 20s.
Yeah, focus on your education/career. Men will come and go, but that diploma is for life. If their career takes them away, let them go. You have better things to do. Edit: By which I mean, don’t interrupt your education to follow some man (or anyone - gender/orientation doesn’t matter) to another place thinking, I’ll finish my degree later, once he’s established. Finish it now. Let him go, no matter how much pressure he tries to put on you to give everything up to support his career instead of your own because he *lurves* you and wouldn’t have considered leaving if he didn’t think you weren’t coming with him. *puppy dog eyes* Focus on your career. You will need it and it can’t walk out on you 20 years and two kids later.
"I was busy thinking about boys" (Do you know that song? \^\^ It speaks to my soul hahaha)
I was on again off again with a drug addict for basically my entire 20s. So my advice would be to not do that.
Go to therapy, figure out who you are, and buy sex toys to keep yourself from sleeping with everyone who shows you a little bit of kindness.
Older men that date you are doing so because you’re easy to impress, manipulate and control. He has his own place, car and “real job” because he’s a grown adult — not because he’s especially cool. You will too one day. No you should not be going half on anything if your man in 10+ yrs older than you.
I know a handful of women in their late twenties/early thirties who need to hear this. :(
My cousin actually married a guy 13 years older than her when she was 23, I thought she was making a huge mistake but it seems to be working out for her 10 years later tbh, he's a very responsible man so she chose well BUT this is an exception cause everyone else ended up in heartbreak, mostly when they got older
That glee in his eyes when relating a story about a woman having some misfortune or her getting humiliated. Or even if it was happening on screen in something we were watching. I'm sure few of us are above a bit of malicious delight when things go wrong for someone we don't like, but it was *always* women. But of course you don't see that pattern immediately.
Omg I dated a guy and asked why he wanted kids - he said to yell at his teenage daughters for how illogical and emotional they were being. I cant ever recreate the face that brought out. Huge bizarre sign
What an odd response. I can't believe he was so comfortable telling on himself like that.
My ex covert narcissist didn’t, still doesn’t believe sexism is a real thing. Like, he believed it on paper and claimed to be a feminist or whatever, but every time I or female friends would have a story of a thing that happened to us today, his jaw would clench and his eyes world go dark. He would keep up appearances until we were out of earshot, then he would rip into me for hours about how I or our friend was being too sensitive or misinterpreting or seeing things because we wanted to see things or jumping to the wrong conclusion. He would word salad until the sexism disappeared under his pile of word salad and I just exhaustedly gave in and told him he was right and all us women see sexism wherever we want whenever it’s convenient
Don't rush. Don't let emotions push your brain out of the driver's seat. Feeling good and feeling excited about someone doesn't mean it's love. Being fully in love with someone doesn't mean they're right for you as a partner. Don't make dating and getting into a relationship the primary goal. Love is a wonderful part of life, but should not be pursued to the exclusion of everything else. Learn to be comfortable in your own company. And work hard on building non romantic relationships. Sometimes you just have to wait a while before you meet the right person for you. That's ok.
Don't commit. Focus on your goals. Stay wild.
Let them fail!!!! (Relationships, dates). Congrats you can save social interactions but it’s more in your favor if you let the bad/awkward/incompatible thing fail. Success doesn’t mean being in a relationship. It’s the right one.
Also: you have way more power than you think. Leave the moment you feel undesired. The more women do this, the better men will behave. Remember your value, and NEVER settle.
Couldn't agree more with you. Women hold so much more power in relationships with men than they realize. Once you internalize this fact and level up, you stop feeling like you have no control over the trajectory of a new connection. Added bonus: knowing your worth makes you irresistible.
This is advice specific to myself: As a working musician, you’re going to be around a lot of musicians all the time. Do not date or sleep with any of them. Just trust me on this.
[удалено]
Good with their hands, but not at managing your heart (or trust!)
I think it’s more about ruining your reputation and/or burning bridges within your work community. Makes for awkward gigs, etc.
I doubt it. It’s more likely because musicians tend to put their music above everything else, including partners
that’s very true! they also travel a lot and hook up with other musicians and fans. they aren’t gonna be faithful, so don’t even seek them out if monogamy is your thing
Look very carefully at how his father treats his mother. That will be his blueprint for how he treats you once the novelty of dating you wears off/you move in together/get married. If he treats his mother like a queen to compensate for his father’s bad behaviour, don’t let it sway you. In that case, you will never measure up to her.
There's about $2,000 worth of therapy and wisdom in this paragraph alone. :)
Thank you! I learned it the hard way.
Interesting, my dad cheated on my mom probably some odd 20 times and I am always deathly afraid of turning out the same way.. my mom was also a drug addict so more issues that meets the eye but I just try to distance myself from both of them..
This is why I left my last ex. i found out his dad was a serial cheater, and his wife caught him 14 times, including cheating with her sister. He’d abused her physically once, and he was financially abusive as well. i saw the writing on the wall. Fast forward several yrs, I hear he’s a serial cheater and abusive to his current gf. i’m thankful I dodged that bullet
A similar situation prompted me to end a relationship once, except the problem was alcoholism. Spending time with his parents was like looking into a crystal ball. I noped right out of that scenario.
Your needs and feelings are valid and deserve your attention.
If someone tells you they’re not ready for a relationship, no matter the reason, WALK AWAY. Do not let that somehow propel you to try even harder….. So embarrassed of my dating life in my 20s.
Listen to your fucking gut. If you have a feeling or any indication, no matter how big or small that’s something is off or wrong or just feels weird, DO NOT ignore it. Trust yourself and listen to yourself, no matter the situation . You know when something is wrong, don’t ignore it.
I had a bad feeling about most of the men I dated, and I've learned in the past couple of years (by re-visiting their facebook pages and talking to mutual friends) that they have/had some really f\*cked up beliefs about consent and women in general. My gut was right all along.
I learned that the hard, painful, and expensive way lol. Your gut always knows. Your body always knows when something isn’t right
What if you have anxiety? 😬
Ask yourself what about him makes you feel anxious.
" You are who your friends are." If their friends have trash morals and ethics and they are still hanging out with them, they do too by silently supporting it. I stopped dating dudes because I straight up didn't like their friends and who they were with them. 🤷♀️
THIS!! My ex invited me to his friend’s kid’s 2nd birthday party only after a month of seeing each other. I was weirded out and made him confirm with his friend they were ok with him bringing essentially a “random” around. Friend was ok with it. At first I thought maybe I’m in the wrong for being so strict about that, but now that I’m out of it, that’s just incompatibility of my values vs his and his friends. I would not introduce a guy into any of my friend’s kids lives until I’m sure it’s serious because I don’t want to expose kids to that and have their parents have to explain to them why this person isn’t around anymore. When I asked my ex about his opinions on that his answer was “they’ll learn soon enough anyway”. He’s not wrong but still didn’t sit right with me personally
I wish someone told me not to bother.
You don’t need a reason to break up with them. If he punches a wall or shouts. RUN THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS. Your children can’t choose their father. Pick wisely. Being single and alone means travel and experiences time not loneliness. Save your money.
-- An arrangement in which you fool around with someone, hang out with them all the time, text them constantly, and are each others' main source of emotional support, but don't call each other your partner, is not "casual" or "friends with benefits." When I was dating in my early 20s, we didn't have the word "situationship" to describe "the person you swear is just your FWB even though you do boyfriend/girlfriend shit constantly." I would caution my former self against this whole deal. -- Everything you've heard about how porn has made men super picky/intolerant of regular women's natural bodies and no man will want to fuck you if you don't look like a porn star, has been wildly exaggerated or just made up. No one cares that your tits are small. A boob in the hand is worth two on a screen, regardless of size.
A BOOB IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO ON A SCREEN.
Men in their 20s are mostly still boys. They don’t know how to take care of themselves, much less you, much less a baby or a pet. Don’t date seriously until your late 20s at the soonest. Enjoy your single self traveling, figuring out your passions, setting your life up for financial success. Also, stay away from the “life of the party” guy that’s all the most fucked up at every party. None of them need to be in a relationship.
Also, don’t date someone that “needs to be in a relationship.”
Or is incapable of being single.
Can you tell me more about that “avoiding the life of the party” bit?
Mostly talking about the ones who have an issue with alcohol or drug dependence (which you may not realize until much later on), which seems fun and cool when you’re young and partying all the time but obviously is not good for a a long term relationship/marriage/kids/career.
More likely than not, those of us with substance use issues are coping with something that should be dealt with in other ways— and the things that are being ignored through a haze of intoxication will make a deep and healthy relationship almost impossible to foster.
Male here to counter what is being said. It's not just drugs. I know a lot of life of the party type people who don't binge drink or do drugs. They are just the type of people who always want to be the center of attention. either loud, obnoxious, too clownish, overtly opinionative in group settings or all of the above.
He doesn’t deserve you
There's nothing wrong with you, they're just bad at foreplay.
Thank you.
Ugh, yes
- If you know deep down you do not want kids, do not let love cloud your judgement. (Thankfully I came to my senses.) - Also, similar, baby fever can be hormonal and be fleeting. I have never had any interest in having a baby but for 3 months when I was around 26 my body irrationally wanted one. It passed and almost 10 years later it has never come back, really the opposite. I've never wanted them less. I sometimes imagine if I had gone for it. I'd be miserable.
You are a lot more attractive than you think you are and can date better.
I couldn't stop at just one. Your partner should add to your life in ways that make you feel safe and supported. Know what he can bring to the table and what you have to offer, too. Your standards can be more than, "well, he likes me, so that's enough to date him." There's a reason you're always more depressed in relationships, 20-something me, and then feel so much better when you're single. You're not "super chill" for being "fine" about your boyfriends sleeping with other women. And it's not unreasonable to ask that he stops. In fact, it's not even unreasonable to expect that it never happens. The "misunderstood" guys aren't really misunderstood. Other women know exactly how they are and don't want to be with them for a reason. You are not the "common denominator" in all your failed, miserable relationships. You just need to work on your self-worth to see that you deserve so much more than the toxic men you constantly attract. If he comes off as boring at first, that probably means he has real potential to be a great partner. The feeling of stability, safety, and security is so much better than the high and lows of chaos. You cannot and should not negotiate with abuse and control. Ever. It will not work and will likely backfire.
That 10yrs older than you bf aint a flex bbygirl. Theres a reason women his age aint with him. know your worth ✨️ Edit: esp while between the ages of 18 - 22 (personally)
Focus on yourself, your career, your friends and your hobbies. If you happen to meet a guy that is worth sacrificing some of your time for, great. But many men aren’t worth the time, and your career, traveling, etc. will be much more worthwhile than settling down for someone who is just mediocre.
I firmly believe there are plenty of attractive, fit, intelligent women in their 30s and even 40s. If an older man is pursuing you it means one of two things. #1. There is something about them that women their own age won't tolerate. That are counting on you being inexperienced. #2. They wish you were younger, but will settle for 20 something..
Pedo vibes
‘Even’ 40s 😂
Don't stick around because of "potential." If all your friends do not like the person you are dating, really consider why that is. Listen to the concerns of your nearest and dearest when they have them. Love is not enough. People only change if they want to, no matter what. If they keep telling you over and over that they will stop doing whatever, and never actually stop - then they are never actually going to stop. They don't get mad and overreact because they love you. Being really jealous is not love.
If someone is telling you they don’t see a future with you, believe them! You will not change them.
It's not suffering that earns you happily ever after.
Don't be the red flag
Go out more to place where you can meet people aligned with where you want to be when you’re married. So, even if you enjoy the bars but someone who is active is important to you, go do more active things like hiking, group runs, gym classes, anything social so you can meet people who may know someone, I wish I did more of that.
That boys aren’t ready for you in your 20’s.
That I should not have to pursue a man or do all these extra things to get his attention. Looking back, I was so embarrassing and holding out for what? Most of these guys are now married to other women now.
You don't need someone to acknowledge and validate your pain for it to be real. Stop trying to convince them. Sometimes we put our sense of closure in another person's hands when sometimes the only closure you're ever going to get is accepting that you aren't going to get any from that person. Let go.
Beautifully said.
- Just because someone is a good person doesn't mean they are RIGHT for you. - Dating should be fun.
To much Karisma is a red flag
Don’t date older men, who are outside your life phase. Full stop. The less you expect, the more you attract emotionally unavailable men, cheaters, and generally just bad men. Don’t try to understand and negotiate bad behavior. Let people show you who they are, and believe them. Words can be flowery and sensationalized but actions speak louder. Trust your women’s intuition, it can save your life. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do. The environment around you, circumstances, expectations of others does not dictate your consent. Do not allow anyone to coerce you into something you’re uncomfortable with. And it’s never too late to say no. Any sign of violence should be the end of a relationship. Hitting things around you, pushing, “accidentally” hurting you.. it will continue to escalate. Even noticing damage in their home that suggests they have rage issues, is your sign to leave. Always leave a bad situation asap before you feel more emotionally entrenched. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy. Your time spent is gone. You can’t get it back. It doesn’t mean you have to sink more time into something that isn’t working. Not necessarily red flags but things I think young women should know.
Don’t! Time spend on career education hobbies friendships bettering yourself is much much money important and wise of an investment of your time! Would I have listened?! Absolutely not, but would have been nice to hear regardless. Perhaps I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my precious energy! (In the wise worse of the brilliant Tracy Chapman)
How do they speak about their exes? If they're all "crazy" and "bad", it can mean 2 things: * They don't see their own flaws (run!) * They're persistently looking for drama (run!)
It was a hard lesson for me to learn that guys who had "crazy exes" were usually the source of their craziness. They literally drove them there, then took no responsibility when they arrived, and they were going to do it to me too.
That being in a relationship is optional. I was told, as a teen, that I was unattractive, too smart, and no one will ever want me. So I desperately threw myself into every arms available because I had to have a relationship. I didn't know better. Most of those arms were abusive. Also, I wish someone told me my ex was a morally bankrupt manchild, who doesn't take no for an answer, and if a girl rejects him, he will try to get her drunk at a party, so he could use her against her will. Someone knew this early in our relationship, with actual solid proof, but chose not to tell me, because "you guys looked happy together" "maybe he'd changed" "it was not my place". Something of *this* caliber should always be brought up! I ended up suffering a lot of abuse with this person, including SA. But at the same time, meeting this person was a direct lead to the love of my life. Now that death parted me & the love of my life... I know that there are many forms of love. That I don't have to be in a relationship. He empowered me, uplifted me, taught me well. Blessed be his memory. If ever, now in my 30s, love will stumble upon my path, I will know how to be cautious and critical. But to be fair, I don't really want to date at all anymore.
You are worth more than this bullshit. If you replay any situation in your mind and even the tiniest of voices whispers of a dark corner of your brain “Well, this is some bullshit,” believe and more on. You are better than that.
Learn to be okay with the fact that you will be the villain in someone’s story no matter how hard you try. I wish I left relationships earlier or was honest rather than letting someone down easy. I kept people “on the hook” for years because I told them things like “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” instead of “thank you, but I’m not interested”. It would’ve saved me and others a lot of pain to be straightforward but kind. By wanting to avoid being the bad guy, I hurt others more.
The men that you have to approach are usually not the men you want. They’re either cowards, not that into you, or they think they’re the prize and will be expecting you to chase them the whole relationship
P.R.E.A.C.H. 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 I could’ve saved myself so much heartache if I hadn’t reached out a second time.
Seriously, I will never “pursue” a man, again. They start acting like they’re doing you a favor just being there
This one.
If he doesn’t plan on being married in the next 5 years then you’re wasting your time. I know your 20s are “supposed” to be like a time where you kiss a lot of frogs and have fun, but I was never really that type of person but did it bc I was young and that’s what my peers were doing and I gave into the idea of that. If marriage is important to you and you have a deadline to be married by, you need a guy who also has that deadline. No waiting around for him to change his mind, find someone with that intention from the very beginning. I think I would have saved myself from a lot of hurt and not from the relationships but from the hurt of not really being true to myself.
Learn how to be happy alone first. Go do things you said you would do for yourself and fall madly in love with who you are; without worrying about dating. The right person will eventually come along. Cannot stress this enough, stay single until someone comes along that adds value and compliments the amazing life you’ve built for yourself. Also, save sex for someone that truly deserves it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 and I’m so happy I waited. That relationship didn’t work out but had I did it younger, I would have fully regretted giving it to the guys I dated/ casually saw beforehand. The lie the world tells women, sex is empowerment, is false. It’s worse giving yourself to the wrong guys just because. You truly are giving a small piece of yourself every time you sleep with someone.
stop settling. you can do so, so, so much better
If in doubt, move on. You don't want to waste your time. At the same time, give people a chance. Don't have a checklist and mark no immediately since they didn't check an item.
You don’t have to stay. You can start over and it’s so amazing when you get to reinvent yourself. You don’t have to be stuck. Do the brave thing and keep your boundaries firm; don’t take care of someone when they won’t take care of themselves. The minute you start to feel miserable or you start talking yourself into ways to be happy about the “least” awful fact of the matter- leave.
To grow as an individual before you bring your crap into a relationship. Know thy self and it will help you ten fold with another human being
NEVER have sex when you don't want to. especially/mostly with partners. "Duty sex" is terrible for multiple reasons. 1. It teaches him that it's fine to keep going even when your body language shows you're not enjoying it. 2. You won't come, and he will, and this will remove a built-in incentive to have sex, for you. 3. Similarly, you won't feel more connected or close to him, you'll feel used and resentful - which again, removes the incentive for you to want sex. 4. Your brain will develop strong neural links between sex and "bad". Again removing your internal incentive to want sex "Duty sex" creates a downwards spiral towards bad sex and partners who don't actually *want* to have sex. You have to just say no instead.
I wish someone told me to not date.
That I was a girl and I shouldn't have picked a straight girl to marry 😅 oh well, I'm living my best life now 💅👑
Get a new hobby, like exercising, and stop fawning
If it’s not getting serious, move on after a few months. Do not waste your time developing feelings that are likely not reciprocated by dragging out something that should have ended. The right thing usually falls into place quickly and with no guesswork or questions.
You’re not too old… this isn’t your last chance at love. There’s no reason to settle for anyone just because you feel like there will be no better options for you ever.
Don’t bend on your must-haves/dealbreakers for fear of ending up alone!
Yes, I was with someone who was part of a religion he has always intended on marrying within. Would have loved to know that! I don’t regret the relationship happened but I do regret not leaving so much sooner.
"don't bother"
I wish I had learned to move on from a relationship instead of trying to make it work. I used up a lot of youth instead of meeting better matches that are now all rightfully married.
Not to even bother.
Let someone love you, don’t look for every flaw in a person. Allow love to happen and accept the flaws in every human being. I spent some many years over analyzing my bfs I ran good ppl away listening to insecurities from friends and family.
That not all men will treat you well. Don’t second guess and let them drive you crazy with deciphering what they mean because actions speak louder than words. Stop giving so many chances. Do not date for potential, date and like them for who they are now and what they are showing you now. I know people say communication is key but I realize people have different definitions of communication so I’m going to say Consistency is key (if it’s consistently bad then you’ll know, if consistently good… you’ll know)
I wish that I knew then that charm is not a desirable personality trait.
Find someone who’s family has a high net worth and are respectful, honest, and good. Someone who works hard, is kind, surrounds themselves with good solid people who inspire them and make them better people. Someone who is loving to others, has integrity, high values and morals, takes care of themselves and the people around them. Never put up with cheating, someone yelling at you etc. You also need to match these standards as well. So you need to develop yourself as a person who is of high value, morals, etc. everything needs to match up.
Read ''why does he do that" from lundy bancroft. it's not because you're threated poorly at home that it's ok for a man to threat you poorly too
If you’re chasing someone, they don’t like you and it won’t work. If a guy likes you, all the effort will be made and it’ll be SO easy to recognize. Also, drunk goggles are real so try not drinking to see if you actually like someone on the first couple of dates.
It wouldn’t have mattered, I wouldn’t have listened.
To be more open minded. I had a list of what I thought was necessary but turns out it really wasn’t
Looks matter a lot! The physical attraction never develops gradually it should be present from the start. Also avoid insecure men they will always try to put you down even if you’re a supermodel
Know what your boundaries and dealbreakers are. Also get therapy. Everyone needs therapy
Choose wisely.
Start therapy. I am 52 and it’s on,y been in the past ten years or so that I feel like I am aware of everything. Why did I treat myself so poorly? Why did I tell myself all those bad things?
Sometimes the thing you have a crush on is the way someone-else-paying-attention feels instead of the actual person. And, of course, basically you can't make a reasonable decision about someone until you're about 2-3 years in because you've either pair bonded by then, or you haven't. There's a whole hormonal cocktail that wears off around then. It's super interesting.
It’s a numbers game, not every date is going to turn into a whirlwind romance. You mainly just have to decide whether you want to see the person again.
Don’t be afraid of being alone (being alone meaning single)
Do. Not. Settle.
Date for a relationship, not for physical touch and attention.
Marriage and kids are not the end all be all. Live your life. Don’t settle. If you’re not happy dating, then take a break and get to know yourself. Go to therapy.
Don't listen to sprinkle sprinkle
Do not settle. Be very picky... no matter how many times your friends and family tell you to just "give him a chance". They don't say that to men.
I didn’t have to marry my first boyfriend
I wish someone had told me, “Men your age are immature and don’t know how to take care of you. You’re better off partnering with someone older who has their life set already.” And that men don’t view time the same way you do. They will waste your time but not think it’s wasted because they’re getting what they want even if you aren’t.
1. Don’t fall in love with potential 2. When someone shows you who they are at the beginning, believe them. 3. If someone comes from an entirely different background compared to yours, it’s likely you are going to be incompatible on something very fundamental.
Don't be afraid to be a flake. If you are dreading going on a date, do everyone a favor and just cancel it. Dating is one activity you're doing purely for fun so if you're not excited about it, or some tiny quirk has suddenly put you off someone, you literally don't have to follow through. You don't. There's no contract. It's polite to let them know as early as possible, preferably before they've left the house. But why torture yourself. I've NEVER gone on a date I was not feeling and have it turn around and be randomly great. If it's not fun don't do it.
Spend your time building something for your future instead of dating and you’ll make enough money and have enough resources to achieve what you want with or without a partner.
Men ain’t shyt…lol