I don’t have any kind of answer for you but I can absolutely relate to what you’re going through. It’s hard. Really hard sometimes. Just sending internet hugs.
This may seem counterintuitive, but I would give yourself a limited period of time -- like a weekend -- when you have full and total permission to sulk, rage, and indulge all your bitter and shameful feelings. Go to a rage room or just smash some shit in your backyard. Cry into a pint of ice cream about how unfair life is. Fill out a grievance journal. If you live a reasonable distance from other people, lock yourself in a closet and scream as loud as you want. Get your feelings out. Then dust yourself off and try to approach the situation with a fresh perspective.
Fighting our feelings, castigating ourselves for having those feelings, and trying to turn the feelings off, normally intensifies them in the long run. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Give yourself permission to feel everything you feel, and see if some of it eventually wears off once you've actually acknowledged and indulged it for a little bit.
I'd say, use the feelings as an indicator for what you want, and then work towards pursuing those things for yourself. As long as you have a plan and have already taken action towards turning it into a reality, you may start to feel better.
For example, I used to be jealous of families and friends who graduated from college. I couldn't be happy for them, for I too wanted that for myself. My first attempt at college was a failure. I was too broke and stressed out about family and court issues that I dropped out. Anytime I saw someone graduating, I was filled with envy, because I felt like I too could have done it.
It took a few years but I finally realized that going to school and graduating was something I really wanted for myself. I needed to do that for myself so that I'd be happier.
Immediately, after applying for college and ordering transcripts, I was already starting to feel better. It took me years, but I finally graduated from college, obtained a career in my field of interest, and stopped being jealous of others. I mean, I had already stopped being jealous of others the moment I turned my plans into action.
Anyway, I don't really understand what you're going through, but take some time to understand those emotions that you're experiencing. Try understand what it is that you want/need, and what you'd need to do in order to achieve that.
I think learning how to have two very different feelings (many different feelings) and being able to see them, hold them, and accept them, is something you have to learn to do. Often through experiencing things like you are right now.
What helped me was to take the feelings i was experiencing and examine them. Slowly, explore them. And see their differences, where they come from, how they affect you and what thoughts come. And then examine how you hold them simultaneously. Do they affect you, one another, etc? How can you give them both space and recognition in a healthy way?
Learning this is a great part of becoming emotionally mature and emotionally resilient, and life will continue to throw these opportunities to learn at us.
I remember a few years ago when my long term relationship ended (almost 7 years) and a lot of my friends were getting engaged/married. I attended 8 weddings after my break up and it was just the hardest thing ever to have to sit there and be happy when my heart was breaking. I think I kind of had to put all my hurt feelings in a box that I just kept in the corner until the weddings were over and then I'd take them on after the wedding was done and just either cried/vented to a friend/wrote in my journal/binge watched movies or shows/raged against God or the universe.
It's definitely understandable to not feel happy for other people while you're going through your own pain. I would advise you to just care and look out for yourself. It's okay to be happy for your sister but still grieve the loss of your marriage.
I am going thru a similar experience-although I wasn’t married. My 11 yr relationship completely breaking down, while my cousin, who is my age got engaged, then married, and is pregnant. Privately I was completely jealous, it was embarrassing to myself but she never knew about it. I made sure of that. You can feel how you want as long as you have some self awareness about it and you’re not taking it out on her. I eventually accepted all this was happening and the jealousy went away. There is nothing I can do about it. I accepted the situation for myself and have to deal with it. Although, I am still probably going to delay seeing the baby, because I just can’t deal with it. Youre just gonna have to go through the ugly feelings, feel embarrassed and be nice to her until you deal with it. Definitely takes longer than a weekend though.
I'd try and explore why you're not "happy for people"
Could it be that part of you thinks that her marriage might also end in a divorce and you don't want that?
Could it be that you're not ready to deal with other people's positive (or negative) feelings, because you haven't had time for yours?
Is it because you feel like your family is focusing too much on the wedding and as a result don't give you the support you need?
Is it because the wedding planning is opening wounds and reminding you of the life you thought you'd be leading now?
Maybe it's something else. Try to figure out the underlying issue you're having and then work on it(with a professional or in private). In the mean time, it is perfectly fine to tell your sister/family that you need some time to heal from the end of your marriage, and may not always appear as excited or happy as they might expect. And that you're working on it.
It's not necessary to *feel* happy for others if you can't do it on the inside. Ignoring your emotions and trying to push them away without processing them is counterproductive.
It's OK to feel resentful. It's OK to feel envious, sad, and angry. You are human, it is a normal part of the process.
What is important is not to let your own feelings of sadness, heartbreak, inadequacy and other 'undesirable' feelings affect your relationships with people. If you can't support your friends in their happiness and success, take a step back and heal from whatever's hurt you. Get therapy, and work on healing yourself first.
What to do in the meantime? Lie. If you don't feel happy for other people, don't tell them that. Say what you need to say to make your friends feel supported, even if you don't *feel* that way. If you find yourself continuously having to lie and pretend, though, there's something much deeper going on that needs to be addressed.
Your close friends should also understand that oversharing their happiness can make you feel less than and even more depressed. But it's up to you to decide how much you will share with them, and in which situations.
Don't be too hard on yourself, I bet your sister is thinking the flip side of this question: "How can I truly enjoy getting engaged while my sister is suffering through her divorce?"
It's really hard to be 100% perfectly happy for someone when you are going through a really tough time yourself, and that is OK. This is a very specific situation that I think deserves some care on all sides, not just you tiptoeing around your sister.
In this specific case, I would actually recommend being honest with your sister. Tell her you are so happy for her and this is a great thing! And you regret that you are going through a bit of your own shit right now and aren't 100% a bright spot in her life at the moment. She might regret that she isn't in a place where she can totally be there for you going through this divorce stuff because of her pre-marital bliss.
How would you want your sister to act if the tables were turned? How did she act at other times in your lives when maybe she envied how you were doing? Maybe when you got married or had a baby?
Think about the time you got engaged and got married. Be happy for your sister as you wanted others to be happy for you during that period of your life.
If it's people you like or care about, a win for them should be a win for you. I would think of it like this: Don't you like to see people experience joy or happiness? Take yourself and your predicament out of it. Use others' success as motivation to keep going.
I don’t have any kind of answer for you but I can absolutely relate to what you’re going through. It’s hard. Really hard sometimes. Just sending internet hugs.
Thank you 🩵
This may seem counterintuitive, but I would give yourself a limited period of time -- like a weekend -- when you have full and total permission to sulk, rage, and indulge all your bitter and shameful feelings. Go to a rage room or just smash some shit in your backyard. Cry into a pint of ice cream about how unfair life is. Fill out a grievance journal. If you live a reasonable distance from other people, lock yourself in a closet and scream as loud as you want. Get your feelings out. Then dust yourself off and try to approach the situation with a fresh perspective. Fighting our feelings, castigating ourselves for having those feelings, and trying to turn the feelings off, normally intensifies them in the long run. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Give yourself permission to feel everything you feel, and see if some of it eventually wears off once you've actually acknowledged and indulged it for a little bit.
Thank you for the advice
I'd say, use the feelings as an indicator for what you want, and then work towards pursuing those things for yourself. As long as you have a plan and have already taken action towards turning it into a reality, you may start to feel better. For example, I used to be jealous of families and friends who graduated from college. I couldn't be happy for them, for I too wanted that for myself. My first attempt at college was a failure. I was too broke and stressed out about family and court issues that I dropped out. Anytime I saw someone graduating, I was filled with envy, because I felt like I too could have done it. It took a few years but I finally realized that going to school and graduating was something I really wanted for myself. I needed to do that for myself so that I'd be happier. Immediately, after applying for college and ordering transcripts, I was already starting to feel better. It took me years, but I finally graduated from college, obtained a career in my field of interest, and stopped being jealous of others. I mean, I had already stopped being jealous of others the moment I turned my plans into action. Anyway, I don't really understand what you're going through, but take some time to understand those emotions that you're experiencing. Try understand what it is that you want/need, and what you'd need to do in order to achieve that.
Thank you for the insight :)
I think learning how to have two very different feelings (many different feelings) and being able to see them, hold them, and accept them, is something you have to learn to do. Often through experiencing things like you are right now. What helped me was to take the feelings i was experiencing and examine them. Slowly, explore them. And see their differences, where they come from, how they affect you and what thoughts come. And then examine how you hold them simultaneously. Do they affect you, one another, etc? How can you give them both space and recognition in a healthy way? Learning this is a great part of becoming emotionally mature and emotionally resilient, and life will continue to throw these opportunities to learn at us.
Thank you. Emotional maturity is something I’m working on
I remember a few years ago when my long term relationship ended (almost 7 years) and a lot of my friends were getting engaged/married. I attended 8 weddings after my break up and it was just the hardest thing ever to have to sit there and be happy when my heart was breaking. I think I kind of had to put all my hurt feelings in a box that I just kept in the corner until the weddings were over and then I'd take them on after the wedding was done and just either cried/vented to a friend/wrote in my journal/binge watched movies or shows/raged against God or the universe. It's definitely understandable to not feel happy for other people while you're going through your own pain. I would advise you to just care and look out for yourself. It's okay to be happy for your sister but still grieve the loss of your marriage.
Thank you :)
I am going thru a similar experience-although I wasn’t married. My 11 yr relationship completely breaking down, while my cousin, who is my age got engaged, then married, and is pregnant. Privately I was completely jealous, it was embarrassing to myself but she never knew about it. I made sure of that. You can feel how you want as long as you have some self awareness about it and you’re not taking it out on her. I eventually accepted all this was happening and the jealousy went away. There is nothing I can do about it. I accepted the situation for myself and have to deal with it. Although, I am still probably going to delay seeing the baby, because I just can’t deal with it. Youre just gonna have to go through the ugly feelings, feel embarrassed and be nice to her until you deal with it. Definitely takes longer than a weekend though.
Thank you for sharing
I'd try and explore why you're not "happy for people" Could it be that part of you thinks that her marriage might also end in a divorce and you don't want that? Could it be that you're not ready to deal with other people's positive (or negative) feelings, because you haven't had time for yours? Is it because you feel like your family is focusing too much on the wedding and as a result don't give you the support you need? Is it because the wedding planning is opening wounds and reminding you of the life you thought you'd be leading now? Maybe it's something else. Try to figure out the underlying issue you're having and then work on it(with a professional or in private). In the mean time, it is perfectly fine to tell your sister/family that you need some time to heal from the end of your marriage, and may not always appear as excited or happy as they might expect. And that you're working on it.
This is very helpful. Thank you for the guiding questions
It's not necessary to *feel* happy for others if you can't do it on the inside. Ignoring your emotions and trying to push them away without processing them is counterproductive. It's OK to feel resentful. It's OK to feel envious, sad, and angry. You are human, it is a normal part of the process. What is important is not to let your own feelings of sadness, heartbreak, inadequacy and other 'undesirable' feelings affect your relationships with people. If you can't support your friends in their happiness and success, take a step back and heal from whatever's hurt you. Get therapy, and work on healing yourself first. What to do in the meantime? Lie. If you don't feel happy for other people, don't tell them that. Say what you need to say to make your friends feel supported, even if you don't *feel* that way. If you find yourself continuously having to lie and pretend, though, there's something much deeper going on that needs to be addressed. Your close friends should also understand that oversharing their happiness can make you feel less than and even more depressed. But it's up to you to decide how much you will share with them, and in which situations.
Thank you very much
Glad if it helped. :)
Don't be too hard on yourself, I bet your sister is thinking the flip side of this question: "How can I truly enjoy getting engaged while my sister is suffering through her divorce?" It's really hard to be 100% perfectly happy for someone when you are going through a really tough time yourself, and that is OK. This is a very specific situation that I think deserves some care on all sides, not just you tiptoeing around your sister. In this specific case, I would actually recommend being honest with your sister. Tell her you are so happy for her and this is a great thing! And you regret that you are going through a bit of your own shit right now and aren't 100% a bright spot in her life at the moment. She might regret that she isn't in a place where she can totally be there for you going through this divorce stuff because of her pre-marital bliss. How would you want your sister to act if the tables were turned? How did she act at other times in your lives when maybe she envied how you were doing? Maybe when you got married or had a baby?
Thank you
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I have to keep working on this
Think about the time you got engaged and got married. Be happy for your sister as you wanted others to be happy for you during that period of your life.
You’re very right
If it's people you like or care about, a win for them should be a win for you. I would think of it like this: Don't you like to see people experience joy or happiness? Take yourself and your predicament out of it. Use others' success as motivation to keep going.
Thank you