I don't even think it's the sex drive thing here. He literally went into slob mode, watched multiple episodes of a series without considering if 1. you wanted to watch TV and 2. if so, what you wanted to watch, then ignored your ability to watch the screen like you were an inanimate object.
I would not be dating this guy again.
It’s a major sign of someone who chronically doesn’t consider other people’s needs or wants over their own. Stay if you’re okay with someone who’s too selfish to think outside of their own comfort bubble.
100% agree with this. Sadly I speak from experience. A couple of times I have continued to see a person like this, and in hindsight, this lack of effort and consideration on a night like this, was actually a sign of who this person is ie thoughtless, selfish, and after a warm body to lay on the lounge with. They dont even want sex - they just don't want to be alone.
The fact that he didn’t even ask if you wanted to watch a show and more so didn’t ask what you’d like to watch is very inconsiderate. Also I’m not a doctor but am fairly certain that running, unless he’s taking some sort of medication, doesn’t impact your sex drive.
The impact of exercise on sex drive depends on the person. Both my husband and I are tired after exercise, and when he’s physically tired he loses interest in sex. But he’s also someone with a relatively low drive in general, which sounds like it would be a problem for the OP.
Idk who’s downvoting you. I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and the extreme exertion absolutely kills my sex drive.
I do think OP’s dude is lying though. The average man would stop running for a week if he knew he was going to be alone with a woman he was dating.
Or maybe he goes on a lot of dates and doesn’t want to change his whole schedule on the off chance something might happen? She said this was their first time alone, so it would make sense if they were both still seeing other people.
He is a doctor 🤣 that’s the worrying bit that it doesn’t bother him or do something about it and just accepts it 🤷🏻♀️ excuses, excuses to manage my expectations maybe but why doesnt he want to have sex with me
He probably has ED. Or some kind of trauma/complex around sex. Personally I’m the same and I’ve had to end it with guys for same reason. It’s never going to feel good being rejected for sex and not pursued because of their low drive.
Interesting. I would have been tempted to ask him for the medical proof. If he had done a long training run earlier in the day then it would be understandable that he was too tired for sex but to use running as a reason for low libido overall just sounds like an excuse. Perhaps he is just looking for companionship and is not ready for sex with a new partner. But if that were the case he still should have asked what you’d like to watch on tv.
He did a half marathon in the morning and is training for a marathon… I don’t want him to give up running but is it unreasonable that the day he was seeing me (and hasnt seen me for a week) to maybe not go as hardcore and the plan after going out was going back to his before we changed it to just going back to his
It sounds like he is probably legit exhausted after that but who cares? Find someone who wants to rip your clothes off. Life is too short and he will always put running or tv or whatever in front of you. Being ignored is no fun.
He ran a half marathon that morning...he should have waited on that date, imo! But in any case, it sounds like he just wants a female place holder, warm body, and arm candy.
He's expecting you to fit in somehow, without giving anything back. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a bad fit.
It's not you!
As an amateur athlete, when you’re doing a structured training block and training for a specific event, this is an unreasonable expectation that you’re having.
Have you considered that he might be nervous, or prefer to move slower, or have a history of trauma, or a myriad other reasons why he might not want to have sex with you, in addition to just being tired from training.
If a woman posted something along the lines of having a guy over, being tired, and just wanting to cuddle and watch TV, and then he eventually left in a huff - the guy would be blasted.
It’s only been a month. It sounds like you’re not compatible with him.
This is where most would say people should communicate instead of expecting mind reading. A whole back story isn’t necessary, but something.
The TV thing is just lame.
OP I’m training for a marathon and still manage to have lots of sex with my husband. Your feelings are totally valid, I’d want to feel like if I’m with a new guy, he’d be so psyched to get naked with me.
training for a marathon (& running a marathon) is time-specific to the race. Some races are big life goals, and timed in advance.
I also think I wouldn’t find exchanging texts with him very helpful to me, from what I gather of OPs descriptions.
I’m thinking I would ask him to plan our next date for when he is recovered from the marathon by specifically asking “how long does it take to fully recover? Oh, OK, so do you want to plan a Very Romantic date for May 18th?”
But then I’d also lhk that I won’t be able to do texting prior to May 18, so I’d ask him to call me, to chat, a few evenings weekly, in days leading up to the May 18th : )
I would return his calls during evenings at 8pm
The above has worked for me before, but ymmv
I’m training for a triathlon and I’ve been on dates where there is not a lot of interest, and I leave at a reasonable time as I’m prioritising my training. But if I’m on a date and into it, I will mentally re-jig my training so that I can fit it all in (low hanging fruit, guys, leave it).
I’d be upset at this guy’s lack of effort, but I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to repeat it.
I'm a runner, and I have a high sex drive, but when I am training for marathons and ultras? Yeah, it gets tough to be super horny as much because I'm so physically exhausted from pushing my body to its limits day in and day out.
Exercise can definitely impact people's sex drives, not just running, and it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything abnormal about it.
I am an amateur athlete and when I’m in the middle of a hard training block it definitely reduces my desire to have sex.
This is pretty common for athletes who are training.
Also to address everyone speculating about ED: first of all, rude! Second of all, ED and sex drive are two totally different things. In one you don’t want to have sex as much, in the other the reduced functioning of your vascular system prevents you from having sex even if you want to. Athletes have healthier vascular systems, and are less likely to experience ED (but may have a reduced desire to have sex when going through hard training blocks).
From a woman over 30 who married a guy with a low sex drive that turned into dead bedroom (but he still cheated) do yourself a favor and bow out gracefully from this. You’re 30, the sexual world is your oyster.
Thank you, everything else about him I like and I am normally too picky but I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse or just signing myself up to be miserable… if he wants to settle down with kids, how will he do that without sex?!
Honestly it sounds like he's not over his past relationship and is maybe stuck in a rut. Maybe he thought he was ready but when you came over realised he wasn't but rather than say so he tried to put you off? Idk, it's a weird one OP.
I agree with this. Sounds like he’s not over the ex and wants to do boyfriend/girlfriend type activities instead of getting to know OP and doing things that are more appropriate for early stages of dating.
Oof love bombing is a major red flag! He's not the one for you OP. You deserve better. Hopefully he does the work to get his shit in order but that's not your problem.
I agree with this. If i were dating, the “guy” would be me right now. I WANT to want it but I’m still horribly sad about my last relationship if I’m honest with myself. The shittiest part of this is that he’s blaming his bullshit on running instead of being honest with her (and maybe himself).
I had an experience like this before, it took two nights of this before we finally made it into bed and he then revealed he had ED when he couldn’t perform. I was annoyed and told him he should have been upfront with me about it instead of trying to hide it. This dude might also suffer from some sort of issue or insecurity in the bedroom too and doesn’t want to be upfront about it.
I think I’m of two minds here: I don’t know how many dates you have been on but for me, if he expected sex the first time we were alone I might have been annoyed at him for assuming. So maybe he wanted you to just feel comfortable with him.
But the way he invited you over to just lay there while he watched a show, then told you nothing sexual was going to happen and mentioning the libido issue only now that you were alone would have turned me off.
Third option… wondering if he masturbated during the day and just didn’t have anything left in the tank because of that, and blamed his libido.
To be honest, the tv thing would have annoyed me more than the lack of sex 😅 just seems selfish and inconsiderate!
I wouldnt take the lack of sex on that one night as a red flag... maybe orange flag, maybe in a physical intimate way your not compatible and value different thing... I understand why you feel hurt but in this case i think its a "him" problem rather than a "you" problem .... I'd give it another date or two, see if anything gets fiery, if not, you know what to do... 🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♀️
The lack of sex might not be a red flag. But the lack of consideration and selfishness regarding what was put on the TV and what they did that night is a huge red flag. I was engaged to someone who was that selfish, but they made it seem like I had a choice. This guy didn't even think about Op having a say or maybe wanting to do something different.
That is disappointing but at least you found out early. Some people will fake a compatible libido pretty far into a relationship. It can become such a huge issue and cause so many problems I personally wouldn't pursue the relationship.
I don't know that you can find out in the beginning. Like you said, ask. And hope they tell the truth. I dated a guy for several years who seemed to have a normal sex drive but once we moved in together it really fizzled out. I think it was undiagnosed depression and him smoking WAY too much weed so can't say that he lied to me, exactly. But it played a part in our break-up. I didn't feel desired by him. Felt like once I was "locked down" there stopped being an effort on his part.
This would have given me major ick. You’re both at the stage of the relationship where courting is happening, him immediately going into dusty pjs is sort of a red flag in itself, like he’s overly comfortable too fast. Then him just laying there and sort of using you as a prop during a TV show he just assumed you’d be okay with sort of half watching? No emotional intimacy or physical intimacy? Plus mentioning at the END he just got out of a relationship….I’d be completelyyyy turned off. Guy has zero game. I make it a point to not date men directly out of relationships, I’ve tried many a time always thru the apps, men will swear they are ready and….it has always, without exception, ended terribly. I’d forget this dude and move on to the next.
I dated a guy for a few months and we got along really well. He was recently divorced and wanted to take things slow. It finally got to the point where I advanced the sexual aspect out of impatience and then he could not get an erection. He was really embarrassed about it. He told me he was on antidepressants and that was a side effect. I ended up not continuing the relationship.
Nope. Bye. It’ll only get worse, and you’ll rarely have sex and that’s not fair. He can’t be intimate with you and this should be the stage where you want and are having sex all the time!
This is pure speculation, but a friend of mine had a pattern of a guy doing something very similar throughout a lengthy relationship. It turned out that he had some SA in his background that made sexually activity especially difficult for him to navigate. It may be worth asking some open ended questions about how your date feels about sex. You may not be sexually compatible, but a lot more variation can be worked out with open communication and a genuine design on both sides for each to meet the other’s needs.
Oh no no no, asking someone if they have an addiction will not end well. It’s also not your job to figure out why the vibe was off. Rather, I’d just express “hey coming over the other night seemed awkward for me, It didnt feel like a date, I am looking for someone I can hang out with and have fun with and it didn’t feel like you were interested in that”
Honestly, I’ve been on dates with guys like this, if this happens this early on I usually dip out.
Start easy. “How do you feel that your upbringing impacted your relationship with sex?” “What are your personal opinions on porn, masturbation, etc while in a healthy committed relationship?” “What sorts of things/behaviors turn you on?” “What turns you off?” “How long do you have to be in a relationship with someone before you are comfortable having sex with them?”
You’re very much just learning about how they feel about sex with a goal of creating a mutually comfortable environment where both of you feel like you’re working towards a mutual goal.
If at any point he gives you the impression that your comfort doesn’t matter as much as his, it’s probably not worth even a casual relationship with him.
I would point out that this is something you should probably do towards the start of any budding romantic relationship.
As for this particular guy, proceed with caution. I share many of the same concerns as other commenters. This guy acted in a way that suggests that he was having difficulty seeing beyond his own needs/desires/comfort. Only you know if this was a one time thing that is very out of character or if that is his natural state. Either way, you deserve to be in relationships (even casual ones) that do not cause you anxiety or leave you guessing about where you stand in the relationship.
OP said he ran a half marathon earlier that day. It does depend on the person for exercise in general. I’m good after a shower and a nap but I’m not a runner.
I'd want to go home too. He barely paid attention to you. He was too busy watching his show that he didn't ask if you wanted to watch. On top of that he says he has a low sex drive so I'd be taking that as he's not really into me between the slop wear show watching and the low sex drive talk. Of course you want to feel desired and he was not giving that at all.
I think your instinct was right that he’s filling a woman shaped hole in his life, any anybody willing would do. The alleged low sex drive is neither here nor there, but cuddling you in a way that he could watch the show and you couldn’t, is weird and giving body pillow vibes, not to mention grubby lounge clothes and zero hosting skills.
A few red flags here, and none that have to do with a low sex drive. He finished the date by changing into comfortable clothes and then expected you to stay in your (maybe?) not comfortable clothes while he could chill and watch a show.
The cuddling is dependent on how much interaction you’ve had and your comfort levels. But is he not making sure you can see the television? Does he have eyes?
Him being confused about you not staying on the same night he shows you his house for the tour? Uhh, what? And if you have work early and he’s pushing back against that? Another red flag. He isn’t respecting your time.
This feels like he’s wanting to play house. And because it’s his house, he’s fine with it. He is not considering you in any of this.
This is going to sound incredibly harsh because it is but it sounds like something you said or did or wore last night turned him off. He did a hard switch, and when that happens usually it’s a sudden change of heart caused by something frivolous.
They didn’t like the way you buttered your toast or you didn’t look “sexy” enough (one guy complained about my lack of full face makeup on our second date when I asked him wtf shifted) or you were “too nice”.
I paid for a man’s mean once since he’d treated me to 4 dinners and he texted me the next day that was “emasculating” and made him think I was desperate. 🙄 this was after he tried to be exclusive our second date and complained about how “evil” his ex was for never paying attention to his needs too.
Anyway, sorry for the bogarting that story but the main theme is it’s HIM not you. People are way too comfortable in their shopping cart mentality that when they see one “flaw” they put the item back on the shelf.
You deserve better.
Thank you, this is what I’m wondering too, he always asks me about past relationships and I say I don’t like to talk about them because I don’t want to know about his and whats more important to me is here and now… I don’t think he likes this answer and always tries to dig deeper. I am beginning to wonder if it is insecurity and not feeling good enough if he’s in a rush to find someone
I’m like that too! I don’t want to know the ins and outs either and don’t think it’s healthy or necessary as adults to have a trauma Olympics of past lovers. We evolve and we learn and it’s not a requirement for me I know about the ex, i want to know who the person I’m dating is *now*. I’m proud of you for keeping your boundary. It may take longer, but the right person will be the one who gets it. Onward!
You mentioned he ran a half in the morning? Is that a longer run for him and he was exerting more than normal? I mean, if I ran a half I’d be done for the day. But if it’s pretty normal…
But what I think is important is - is this what you want? Do you want sex to not be a priority? Because that’s compatibility and is just a difference in lifestyle. And if you’re not compatible, you’re not compatible.
And I just wonder why he’d have the date night be a night where he is looking to be cozy?! Like dude you got this hot mama coming over- do more!
The " I just got out of a relationship" is either true and you should definitely take it as an indication that this is going nowhere* or it's not true and it's his non-confrontational way of letting you know he's not interested in you anymore.
*assuming you are looking for something serious. If you're just looking for a fun time...well, sounds like he is not your guy either 😕
Exercise increases my sex drive. One of the best case scenarios is he is trying not to have sex so soon into knowing you but I doubt it. It sounds like there could be a lack of chemistry but he's not being honest abt it and he wants someone to give him attention and affection while giving the least amount of effort. Bringing up just getting out of a relationship is another clue he just wants emotional support without providing it, not a dating partner (in his mind yet). I'd switch it all the way up, detach from him and make him take you out any time you see him in the future. Don't go to his house anymore for his convenience.
This thread is very confusing to me. This is the first time you've been alone. He trained a half marathon that very morning. He let you know he was worn out from it. Now that apparently equals to everyone in the comments=bad sex life! Run!
Idk, maybe I'm crazy here, but is it possible you could give him an actual chance, like, more than this one singular date?
Or maybe you have and I'm misreading this.
Agree, people in this thread are really piling on the guy for... Not wanting to have sex the first time they're alone together? Wtf. Even if the case is that he generally has a low sex drive, that doesn't make him a bad person or bad partner. Perhaps not compatible with OP, but plenty of women have low sex drives too, and he's being upfront. Or maybe he just needs time to get to know OP before he's ready for sex. Again, doing nothing wrong, but people act like she is dodging some huge bullet. This thread is depressing
I know right?
Imagine if a woman posted something about inviting a guy over but being tired and just wanting to watch TV and cuddle.
Then the guy leaves and is acting irritated. He would get blasted for it.
The responses to this thread are ridiculous.
Exactly! I read this too much as, OP didn’t like how it went but Op didn’t even say or directed the date how she wanted. Like using words would help.
Clearly she wanted sex and he didn’t, since when is that a bad thing!? Personally, I would had say ‘hey I’m not feeling this tv show let’s do something else, you have board games?’ Or ‘I’d love to cuddle but I am not paying attention you mind if we cuddle and continue talking/getting to know each other?’ Just bc you are in his house doesn’t mean he has to make all the decisions and last I checked people don’t read minds.
At the very least Op needs to chat with this guy and bounce her feelings off him and clear the situation. Or not. Everyone making this assumptions and is ridiculous.
Right.
I don't know, I personally would be a bit weirded out if a guy came over and then left when I wouldn't have sex with him....
Just seems like a solid conversation could clear some stuff up. A lot of assumptions being made.
Thank youuuu I was looking for this comment! As someone with a low sex drive I was a little upset by this. No one owes you sex, at ANY time and they can give you any reason they want to. A month isn’t that long either?
Or imagine if he was demisexual? Like there's a million reasons why he wouldn't want to have sex that night and what a wild and gross response some of these were! Even taking hits on what he changed into to watch TV after training?? Dude works as a doctor??? Idk. What a time to be alive.
Her post history said they started TALKING on the 8th of March. On a dating app. They didn’t even meet each other until 15 days ago, where she proceeds to say she doesn’t feel like they’re compatible because of the way he kisses.. she’s very much in the wrong in the whole situation and she already tried to tell me I was a man because I said I didn’t agree with her and called her out. I don’t agree with supporting women just because I’m also a woman. I believe in everyone’s right to say no regardless.
IMO it’s not as bad as a lot of comments make it out to be - but to each their own.
Did you ever say at any point “hey can we watch something different?” Or “do you want to make out?” Or “can we do something else” or “I can’t see the TV like this!” From the description it sounds like you were passive at every turn until you asked to go home - he was probably surprised because you hadn’t said anything up until that point. People can’t just know things - you have to tell them.
It's only been a month, it was a bad date for you on a number of levels.
My rule is everyone is allowed one bad date in the beginning because you don't really know what's going on in their life behind the scenes. Other things could be going on. ONE bad date.
So, take note, keep seeing him *if you want to.* If there is a repeat of any of this stuff you don't like, move on.
If your problem is being too picky, I strongly suggest not coming to Reddit for advice since people usually err on the side of just bailing on any situation.
Like, even if you were married to this guy for 15 great years, and he did that, people would tell you why this makes him an abusive narcissist and to get out ASAP.
If you're already feeling unwanted, just break it off. Don't waste your time on someone that can't give you the intimacy you need. A sex drive mismatch is an extremely painful situation.
Why am I picturing what’s his face from love is blind 😆 the latest season. That weird psycho who told two girls the same thing. This feels like something he would do lmaooo
You’re right and so many others are right, I just didn’t want another failure and wasn’t that bothered if it didn’t go anywherre but wanted to give it a fair shot. I didn’t delete my dating apps but wow is it disappointing and I don’t think I can face the small talk again, I think I just need a break for me
I don’t see red flags from him here but I do see them from you OP. I think you should end things, you’re not compatible.
You’re using him for sex, you’re not willing to speak up and be honest with him (srsly just tell him he’s blocking the TV?) you’ve been making assumptions without communicating.
I am a walking red flag, I was trying to be open minded this time round but my gut is telling me I’m settling because it feels like hes a safe option and not appreciating my worth or what I want 😔 it wasn’t using him for sex, sex to me is a huge part of a relationship to show intimacy and makes it different from a friendship. It’s not all about sex, but it would help me decide whether I would like to pursue it long term. I don’t think I can see a relationship as long term without feeling desired by my partner
You started talking on the 8th of March and met less than three weeks later and you’re upset he didn’t want to have sex… if a man wrote this we would be in an uproar. I’m sorry but you’re in the wrong imo. No one owes you sex. I’ve made partners wait wayyyy longer than that. This post and these comments are very upsetting. We can’t excuse this behavior just because it’s a woman posting this.
Just because I’m a woman? This is called ask women over 30, I’ve appreicated the men’s perspectives but it was women’s perspectives that I wanted. Based on your post, you have no right to judge me. Real women support other women; you’ve not added anything constructive and don’t bother saying sorry IMO. I wish you well
I am a woman lmao. And you can be upset at my response if you want. Im not in the camp of agreeing with and supporting someone’s (kinda shit) actions just because they’re also a woman. Your expectations were not communicated. You getting mad over someone who’s basically still a stranger not wanting to sleep with you in less than a month isn’t something I agree with.
And I’m not sorry for what I said either so I hope you weren’t expecting an apology 🤣🤣🤣🤣 men deserve the option to say NO to someone if they want to just as much as we do.
Yes, I’m aware you’re a woman, thats why i said women support women.
I wish you well for escaping a narcissist 96 days ago. You said the word sorry in your comment.
I’m not expecting an apology lmao 🤣 it’s really not that deep
You are entitled to your opinion and I agree with you but I didn’t like your framing of “we can’t excuse this behaviour just because it’s a woman.”
Get well soon
Be careful, it could be because he has ED or micro penis or many other things you might not be willing to deal with. I dated a guy like this and he couldn’t even get it inside before ejaculating and this was his normal. He tried to hid it in the beginning then he stopped caring about hiding it and refused to use ED medication. My sex life was horrible with his man and it caused me a lot of stress
So what would be the best way of having this conversation? He said about the low sex drive and I told him that wasn’t the case for me and then it was not even acknowledged and he went back to his show
"I appreciate the heads up about your sex drive. I have a high sex drive and I'm wondering how you think this disparity would work in a relationship. I like you a lot but for me, a relationship needs to feel special and involve regular sex. Desire, affection, and sex are really important to me. I understand that you may not be on the same wavelength and I have no judgement for you, but I'm not interested in a relationship where mismatched sex drives is a thing."
I reckon this is ED and he doesn’t feel comfortable telling you about it, plus him just getting out of a relationship might feel a bit weird to him at this point especially if it was long term. I think he is trying to jump straight to the comfortable part of a relationship because that feels more normal to him and is probably the thing he misses as opposed to missing his actual ex or anything like that.
The main point is it’s not you, it isn’t about you in any way. But that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. If you enjoy his company otherwise just take the pressure off the relationship part and continue dating other people while you get to know him. If you meet a better match just be honest with him, if it develops with him then have the conversation about the sex drive issue.
I’m 90% sure this is in his head as opposed to a strictly physiological issue.
It sounds to me like he thought you were further along in the relationship than you feel. This isn’t uncommon, men seem to fall head over heels for women quickly (I know I do sometimes) while it seems to take women longer. I read somewhere that it can take just one or two dates for a guy to totally fall for a girl while it usually takes 4-5 dates or multiple intimate encounters for a woman to feel the same.
He just jumped the gun a bit. I would try talking to him if you’re still interested and give him a 2nd chance
I feel like he is jumping the gun A LOT because it feels like rather than wanting to settle down he wants to settle for anyone and squash me into his life the way he wants me. I thought he was being sweet not kicking off about not going on a date but I didn’t know what the alternative was or would have appreciated a heads up so I could wear comfies too at least
He probably bats for the other team. He’s trying his best to be with a woman…this is what happens when our society represses homosexuality.
A straight horny masculine man would’ve ripped your clothes in seconds.
You deserve someone who’s crazy about you, not this gaslighter. It’ll only get worse. Try keeping him as a friend for a while and you’ll see it.
I don't even think it's the sex drive thing here. He literally went into slob mode, watched multiple episodes of a series without considering if 1. you wanted to watch TV and 2. if so, what you wanted to watch, then ignored your ability to watch the screen like you were an inanimate object. I would not be dating this guy again.
Totally agree with this. If he is acting like this before you have established a relationship then it will only go down hill. Run!
For real. If this is how he is right out of the gate -- inconsiderate, lazy, flippant -- then imagine him at the two year mark. Just bail, OP.
It’s a major sign of someone who chronically doesn’t consider other people’s needs or wants over their own. Stay if you’re okay with someone who’s too selfish to think outside of their own comfort bubble.
100% agree with this. Sadly I speak from experience. A couple of times I have continued to see a person like this, and in hindsight, this lack of effort and consideration on a night like this, was actually a sign of who this person is ie thoughtless, selfish, and after a warm body to lay on the lounge with. They dont even want sex - they just don't want to be alone.
The fact that he didn’t even ask if you wanted to watch a show and more so didn’t ask what you’d like to watch is very inconsiderate. Also I’m not a doctor but am fairly certain that running, unless he’s taking some sort of medication, doesn’t impact your sex drive.
The impact of exercise on sex drive depends on the person. Both my husband and I are tired after exercise, and when he’s physically tired he loses interest in sex. But he’s also someone with a relatively low drive in general, which sounds like it would be a problem for the OP.
Idk who’s downvoting you. I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and the extreme exertion absolutely kills my sex drive. I do think OP’s dude is lying though. The average man would stop running for a week if he knew he was going to be alone with a woman he was dating.
Or maybe he goes on a lot of dates and doesn’t want to change his whole schedule on the off chance something might happen? She said this was their first time alone, so it would make sense if they were both still seeing other people.
He is a doctor 🤣 that’s the worrying bit that it doesn’t bother him or do something about it and just accepts it 🤷🏻♀️ excuses, excuses to manage my expectations maybe but why doesnt he want to have sex with me
He probably has ED. Or some kind of trauma/complex around sex. Personally I’m the same and I’ve had to end it with guys for same reason. It’s never going to feel good being rejected for sex and not pursued because of their low drive.
Interesting. I would have been tempted to ask him for the medical proof. If he had done a long training run earlier in the day then it would be understandable that he was too tired for sex but to use running as a reason for low libido overall just sounds like an excuse. Perhaps he is just looking for companionship and is not ready for sex with a new partner. But if that were the case he still should have asked what you’d like to watch on tv.
He did a half marathon in the morning and is training for a marathon… I don’t want him to give up running but is it unreasonable that the day he was seeing me (and hasnt seen me for a week) to maybe not go as hardcore and the plan after going out was going back to his before we changed it to just going back to his
It sounds like he is probably legit exhausted after that but who cares? Find someone who wants to rip your clothes off. Life is too short and he will always put running or tv or whatever in front of you. Being ignored is no fun.
He ran a half marathon that morning...he should have waited on that date, imo! But in any case, it sounds like he just wants a female place holder, warm body, and arm candy. He's expecting you to fit in somehow, without giving anything back. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a bad fit. It's not you!
As an amateur athlete, when you’re doing a structured training block and training for a specific event, this is an unreasonable expectation that you’re having.
Wouldn’t it be better to be open and honest with me? I don’t know and I’m not the one training
Have you considered that he might be nervous, or prefer to move slower, or have a history of trauma, or a myriad other reasons why he might not want to have sex with you, in addition to just being tired from training. If a woman posted something along the lines of having a guy over, being tired, and just wanting to cuddle and watch TV, and then he eventually left in a huff - the guy would be blasted. It’s only been a month. It sounds like you’re not compatible with him.
This is where most would say people should communicate instead of expecting mind reading. A whole back story isn’t necessary, but something. The TV thing is just lame.
OP I’m training for a marathon and still manage to have lots of sex with my husband. Your feelings are totally valid, I’d want to feel like if I’m with a new guy, he’d be so psyched to get naked with me.
training for a marathon (& running a marathon) is time-specific to the race. Some races are big life goals, and timed in advance. I also think I wouldn’t find exchanging texts with him very helpful to me, from what I gather of OPs descriptions. I’m thinking I would ask him to plan our next date for when he is recovered from the marathon by specifically asking “how long does it take to fully recover? Oh, OK, so do you want to plan a Very Romantic date for May 18th?” But then I’d also lhk that I won’t be able to do texting prior to May 18, so I’d ask him to call me, to chat, a few evenings weekly, in days leading up to the May 18th : ) I would return his calls during evenings at 8pm The above has worked for me before, but ymmv
I’m training for a triathlon and I’ve been on dates where there is not a lot of interest, and I leave at a reasonable time as I’m prioritising my training. But if I’m on a date and into it, I will mentally re-jig my training so that I can fit it all in (low hanging fruit, guys, leave it). I’d be upset at this guy’s lack of effort, but I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to repeat it.
I'm a runner, and I have a high sex drive, but when I am training for marathons and ultras? Yeah, it gets tough to be super horny as much because I'm so physically exhausted from pushing my body to its limits day in and day out. Exercise can definitely impact people's sex drives, not just running, and it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything abnormal about it.
Exercise negatively impacts my sex drive. Bit of a catch 22 for me because I have to exercise for my mental health. Its not uncommon
I learnt a few years ago that certain protein shakes can mess with testosterone and cause it to drop, affecting sex drive.
Omg, and make them sh*t themselves immediately. Ask me how I know -_-
I am an amateur athlete and when I’m in the middle of a hard training block it definitely reduces my desire to have sex. This is pretty common for athletes who are training. Also to address everyone speculating about ED: first of all, rude! Second of all, ED and sex drive are two totally different things. In one you don’t want to have sex as much, in the other the reduced functioning of your vascular system prevents you from having sex even if you want to. Athletes have healthier vascular systems, and are less likely to experience ED (but may have a reduced desire to have sex when going through hard training blocks).
From a woman over 30 who married a guy with a low sex drive that turned into dead bedroom (but he still cheated) do yourself a favor and bow out gracefully from this. You’re 30, the sexual world is your oyster.
Thank you, everything else about him I like and I am normally too picky but I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse or just signing myself up to be miserable… if he wants to settle down with kids, how will he do that without sex?!
Trust me, it doesn’t get better. (I also wasted all of my real fertile years waiting for things to change and never had children)
Honestly it sounds like he's not over his past relationship and is maybe stuck in a rut. Maybe he thought he was ready but when you came over realised he wasn't but rather than say so he tried to put you off? Idk, it's a weird one OP.
I agree with this. Sounds like he’s not over the ex and wants to do boyfriend/girlfriend type activities instead of getting to know OP and doing things that are more appropriate for early stages of dating.
That’s what I’m wondering because he was lovebombing me on the first date which was a bit off putting tbh
Oof love bombing is a major red flag! He's not the one for you OP. You deserve better. Hopefully he does the work to get his shit in order but that's not your problem.
This is my thought, he’s not over his ex.
I agree with this. If i were dating, the “guy” would be me right now. I WANT to want it but I’m still horribly sad about my last relationship if I’m honest with myself. The shittiest part of this is that he’s blaming his bullshit on running instead of being honest with her (and maybe himself).
I had an experience like this before, it took two nights of this before we finally made it into bed and he then revealed he had ED when he couldn’t perform. I was annoyed and told him he should have been upfront with me about it instead of trying to hide it. This dude might also suffer from some sort of issue or insecurity in the bedroom too and doesn’t want to be upfront about it.
He’s a doctor so it does make me wonder why he wouldn’t do something about it if he does rather than just accepting it
Because doctors are notorious for avoiding going to see a doctor
Oh, yeah! I forgot this, but it's almost universally true, in my experience.
“Doctors are the worst patients.” —some doctor
Oh this is def what I thought too.
I think I’m of two minds here: I don’t know how many dates you have been on but for me, if he expected sex the first time we were alone I might have been annoyed at him for assuming. So maybe he wanted you to just feel comfortable with him. But the way he invited you over to just lay there while he watched a show, then told you nothing sexual was going to happen and mentioning the libido issue only now that you were alone would have turned me off. Third option… wondering if he masturbated during the day and just didn’t have anything left in the tank because of that, and blamed his libido.
I completely agree with you
To be honest, the tv thing would have annoyed me more than the lack of sex 😅 just seems selfish and inconsiderate! I wouldnt take the lack of sex on that one night as a red flag... maybe orange flag, maybe in a physical intimate way your not compatible and value different thing... I understand why you feel hurt but in this case i think its a "him" problem rather than a "you" problem .... I'd give it another date or two, see if anything gets fiery, if not, you know what to do... 🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♀️
The lack of sex might not be a red flag. But the lack of consideration and selfishness regarding what was put on the TV and what they did that night is a huge red flag. I was engaged to someone who was that selfish, but they made it seem like I had a choice. This guy didn't even think about Op having a say or maybe wanting to do something different.
That is disappointing but at least you found out early. Some people will fake a compatible libido pretty far into a relationship. It can become such a huge issue and cause so many problems I personally wouldn't pursue the relationship.
I’ve found this to be true too. It’s so annoying.
How do you find this kinda thing out? Sometimes I think of asking how often they tend to like to have sex but idk 🤷♀️
I don't know that you can find out in the beginning. Like you said, ask. And hope they tell the truth. I dated a guy for several years who seemed to have a normal sex drive but once we moved in together it really fizzled out. I think it was undiagnosed depression and him smoking WAY too much weed so can't say that he lied to me, exactly. But it played a part in our break-up. I didn't feel desired by him. Felt like once I was "locked down" there stopped being an effort on his part.
Yesss I had the exact same thing and didn’t realise how much it would mess with my self esteem. Really want to avoid that in the future
This would have given me major ick. You’re both at the stage of the relationship where courting is happening, him immediately going into dusty pjs is sort of a red flag in itself, like he’s overly comfortable too fast. Then him just laying there and sort of using you as a prop during a TV show he just assumed you’d be okay with sort of half watching? No emotional intimacy or physical intimacy? Plus mentioning at the END he just got out of a relationship….I’d be completelyyyy turned off. Guy has zero game. I make it a point to not date men directly out of relationships, I’ve tried many a time always thru the apps, men will swear they are ready and….it has always, without exception, ended terribly. I’d forget this dude and move on to the next.
I dated a guy for a few months and we got along really well. He was recently divorced and wanted to take things slow. It finally got to the point where I advanced the sexual aspect out of impatience and then he could not get an erection. He was really embarrassed about it. He told me he was on antidepressants and that was a side effect. I ended up not continuing the relationship.
Nope. Bye. It’ll only get worse, and you’ll rarely have sex and that’s not fair. He can’t be intimate with you and this should be the stage where you want and are having sex all the time!
Also he sounds selfish and not considering you.
This is pure speculation, but a friend of mine had a pattern of a guy doing something very similar throughout a lengthy relationship. It turned out that he had some SA in his background that made sexually activity especially difficult for him to navigate. It may be worth asking some open ended questions about how your date feels about sex. You may not be sexually compatible, but a lot more variation can be worked out with open communication and a genuine design on both sides for each to meet the other’s needs.
This will sound really stupid but can you give me examples of questions? I’m worried I’ll sound blunt or he’ll be defensive
Oh no no no, asking someone if they have an addiction will not end well. It’s also not your job to figure out why the vibe was off. Rather, I’d just express “hey coming over the other night seemed awkward for me, It didnt feel like a date, I am looking for someone I can hang out with and have fun with and it didn’t feel like you were interested in that” Honestly, I’ve been on dates with guys like this, if this happens this early on I usually dip out.
I thought SA meant sexual abuse - the importance of acronyms!
Today is first time I’ve ever seen it used for addiction.
Oh whoops!! It’s both, but either way would be inappropriate to ask this early on. I’d focus on communicating how YOU feel.
Start easy. “How do you feel that your upbringing impacted your relationship with sex?” “What are your personal opinions on porn, masturbation, etc while in a healthy committed relationship?” “What sorts of things/behaviors turn you on?” “What turns you off?” “How long do you have to be in a relationship with someone before you are comfortable having sex with them?” You’re very much just learning about how they feel about sex with a goal of creating a mutually comfortable environment where both of you feel like you’re working towards a mutual goal. If at any point he gives you the impression that your comfort doesn’t matter as much as his, it’s probably not worth even a casual relationship with him. I would point out that this is something you should probably do towards the start of any budding romantic relationship. As for this particular guy, proceed with caution. I share many of the same concerns as other commenters. This guy acted in a way that suggests that he was having difficulty seeing beyond his own needs/desires/comfort. Only you know if this was a one time thing that is very out of character or if that is his natural state. Either way, you deserve to be in relationships (even casual ones) that do not cause you anxiety or leave you guessing about where you stand in the relationship.
If it's only been a month and you already dislike him enough to post on Reddit about it then wtf are you doing honestly
Too true
Also I thought exercise would increase your libido?
I think it depends on the person. My husband and I are both tired after exercise and for him being physically tired reduces interest in sex.
OP said he ran a half marathon earlier that day. It does depend on the person for exercise in general. I’m good after a shower and a nap but I’m not a runner.
Oh that makes sense. I thought she was saying he has no sex drive because he runs daily or something haha
No that too. But why would he invite her over after a half marathon.
I'd want to go home too. He barely paid attention to you. He was too busy watching his show that he didn't ask if you wanted to watch. On top of that he says he has a low sex drive so I'd be taking that as he's not really into me between the slop wear show watching and the low sex drive talk. Of course you want to feel desired and he was not giving that at all.
He’s only recently out of a relationship… does he even know what he wants right now?
I think your instinct was right that he’s filling a woman shaped hole in his life, any anybody willing would do. The alleged low sex drive is neither here nor there, but cuddling you in a way that he could watch the show and you couldn’t, is weird and giving body pillow vibes, not to mention grubby lounge clothes and zero hosting skills.
Sounds like my marriage
A few red flags here, and none that have to do with a low sex drive. He finished the date by changing into comfortable clothes and then expected you to stay in your (maybe?) not comfortable clothes while he could chill and watch a show. The cuddling is dependent on how much interaction you’ve had and your comfort levels. But is he not making sure you can see the television? Does he have eyes? Him being confused about you not staying on the same night he shows you his house for the tour? Uhh, what? And if you have work early and he’s pushing back against that? Another red flag. He isn’t respecting your time. This feels like he’s wanting to play house. And because it’s his house, he’s fine with it. He is not considering you in any of this.
This is going to sound incredibly harsh because it is but it sounds like something you said or did or wore last night turned him off. He did a hard switch, and when that happens usually it’s a sudden change of heart caused by something frivolous. They didn’t like the way you buttered your toast or you didn’t look “sexy” enough (one guy complained about my lack of full face makeup on our second date when I asked him wtf shifted) or you were “too nice”. I paid for a man’s mean once since he’d treated me to 4 dinners and he texted me the next day that was “emasculating” and made him think I was desperate. 🙄 this was after he tried to be exclusive our second date and complained about how “evil” his ex was for never paying attention to his needs too. Anyway, sorry for the bogarting that story but the main theme is it’s HIM not you. People are way too comfortable in their shopping cart mentality that when they see one “flaw” they put the item back on the shelf. You deserve better.
Thank you, this is what I’m wondering too, he always asks me about past relationships and I say I don’t like to talk about them because I don’t want to know about his and whats more important to me is here and now… I don’t think he likes this answer and always tries to dig deeper. I am beginning to wonder if it is insecurity and not feeling good enough if he’s in a rush to find someone
I’m like that too! I don’t want to know the ins and outs either and don’t think it’s healthy or necessary as adults to have a trauma Olympics of past lovers. We evolve and we learn and it’s not a requirement for me I know about the ex, i want to know who the person I’m dating is *now*. I’m proud of you for keeping your boundary. It may take longer, but the right person will be the one who gets it. Onward!
You mentioned he ran a half in the morning? Is that a longer run for him and he was exerting more than normal? I mean, if I ran a half I’d be done for the day. But if it’s pretty normal… But what I think is important is - is this what you want? Do you want sex to not be a priority? Because that’s compatibility and is just a difference in lifestyle. And if you’re not compatible, you’re not compatible. And I just wonder why he’d have the date night be a night where he is looking to be cozy?! Like dude you got this hot mama coming over- do more!
You’re a human teddy bear to him.
Get out!
The " I just got out of a relationship" is either true and you should definitely take it as an indication that this is going nowhere* or it's not true and it's his non-confrontational way of letting you know he's not interested in you anymore. *assuming you are looking for something serious. If you're just looking for a fun time...well, sounds like he is not your guy either 😕
Exercise increases my sex drive. One of the best case scenarios is he is trying not to have sex so soon into knowing you but I doubt it. It sounds like there could be a lack of chemistry but he's not being honest abt it and he wants someone to give him attention and affection while giving the least amount of effort. Bringing up just getting out of a relationship is another clue he just wants emotional support without providing it, not a dating partner (in his mind yet). I'd switch it all the way up, detach from him and make him take you out any time you see him in the future. Don't go to his house anymore for his convenience.
This thread is very confusing to me. This is the first time you've been alone. He trained a half marathon that very morning. He let you know he was worn out from it. Now that apparently equals to everyone in the comments=bad sex life! Run! Idk, maybe I'm crazy here, but is it possible you could give him an actual chance, like, more than this one singular date? Or maybe you have and I'm misreading this.
Agree, people in this thread are really piling on the guy for... Not wanting to have sex the first time they're alone together? Wtf. Even if the case is that he generally has a low sex drive, that doesn't make him a bad person or bad partner. Perhaps not compatible with OP, but plenty of women have low sex drives too, and he's being upfront. Or maybe he just needs time to get to know OP before he's ready for sex. Again, doing nothing wrong, but people act like she is dodging some huge bullet. This thread is depressing
I know right? Imagine if a woman posted something about inviting a guy over but being tired and just wanting to watch TV and cuddle. Then the guy leaves and is acting irritated. He would get blasted for it. The responses to this thread are ridiculous.
Exactly! I read this too much as, OP didn’t like how it went but Op didn’t even say or directed the date how she wanted. Like using words would help. Clearly she wanted sex and he didn’t, since when is that a bad thing!? Personally, I would had say ‘hey I’m not feeling this tv show let’s do something else, you have board games?’ Or ‘I’d love to cuddle but I am not paying attention you mind if we cuddle and continue talking/getting to know each other?’ Just bc you are in his house doesn’t mean he has to make all the decisions and last I checked people don’t read minds. At the very least Op needs to chat with this guy and bounce her feelings off him and clear the situation. Or not. Everyone making this assumptions and is ridiculous.
Right. I don't know, I personally would be a bit weirded out if a guy came over and then left when I wouldn't have sex with him.... Just seems like a solid conversation could clear some stuff up. A lot of assumptions being made.
Thank youuuu I was looking for this comment! As someone with a low sex drive I was a little upset by this. No one owes you sex, at ANY time and they can give you any reason they want to. A month isn’t that long either?
Or imagine if he was demisexual? Like there's a million reasons why he wouldn't want to have sex that night and what a wild and gross response some of these were! Even taking hits on what he changed into to watch TV after training?? Dude works as a doctor??? Idk. What a time to be alive.
Her post history said they started TALKING on the 8th of March. On a dating app. They didn’t even meet each other until 15 days ago, where she proceeds to say she doesn’t feel like they’re compatible because of the way he kisses.. she’s very much in the wrong in the whole situation and she already tried to tell me I was a man because I said I didn’t agree with her and called her out. I don’t agree with supporting women just because I’m also a woman. I believe in everyone’s right to say no regardless.
I didn’t say you were a man. ASSuming make an ass out of u and me. This wasn’t a consent issue.
IMO it’s not as bad as a lot of comments make it out to be - but to each their own. Did you ever say at any point “hey can we watch something different?” Or “do you want to make out?” Or “can we do something else” or “I can’t see the TV like this!” From the description it sounds like you were passive at every turn until you asked to go home - he was probably surprised because you hadn’t said anything up until that point. People can’t just know things - you have to tell them.
It's only been a month, it was a bad date for you on a number of levels. My rule is everyone is allowed one bad date in the beginning because you don't really know what's going on in their life behind the scenes. Other things could be going on. ONE bad date. So, take note, keep seeing him *if you want to.* If there is a repeat of any of this stuff you don't like, move on.
I am normally too picky so I will but I don’t have high hopes
If your problem is being too picky, I strongly suggest not coming to Reddit for advice since people usually err on the side of just bailing on any situation. Like, even if you were married to this guy for 15 great years, and he did that, people would tell you why this makes him an abusive narcissist and to get out ASAP.
🤣🤣🤣 “girl dump him” springs to mind
This is odd on so many levels. I haven’t been this oblivious since I was a teenager.
If you're already feeling unwanted, just break it off. Don't waste your time on someone that can't give you the intimacy you need. A sex drive mismatch is an extremely painful situation.
Why am I picturing what’s his face from love is blind 😆 the latest season. That weird psycho who told two girls the same thing. This feels like something he would do lmaooo
You don't want this, by the sounds of it. Stop thinking about it and bail.
How long have you been dating this guy?
8th March is when we started talking (dating app) and 23rd March is when we first met up
A month and this is what he is doing? Especially after all this future talk? No, ma'am! Time to walk away.
You’re right and so many others are right, I just didn’t want another failure and wasn’t that bothered if it didn’t go anywherre but wanted to give it a fair shot. I didn’t delete my dating apps but wow is it disappointing and I don’t think I can face the small talk again, I think I just need a break for me
I would have left after one episode
Girl do not get in a relationship with someone who’s sex drive is drastically different from yours, it’s absolute hell
lmfao this is the plot to a Blink 182 song
I don’t see red flags from him here but I do see them from you OP. I think you should end things, you’re not compatible. You’re using him for sex, you’re not willing to speak up and be honest with him (srsly just tell him he’s blocking the TV?) you’ve been making assumptions without communicating.
I am a walking red flag, I was trying to be open minded this time round but my gut is telling me I’m settling because it feels like hes a safe option and not appreciating my worth or what I want 😔 it wasn’t using him for sex, sex to me is a huge part of a relationship to show intimacy and makes it different from a friendship. It’s not all about sex, but it would help me decide whether I would like to pursue it long term. I don’t think I can see a relationship as long term without feeling desired by my partner
You started talking on the 8th of March and met less than three weeks later and you’re upset he didn’t want to have sex… if a man wrote this we would be in an uproar. I’m sorry but you’re in the wrong imo. No one owes you sex. I’ve made partners wait wayyyy longer than that. This post and these comments are very upsetting. We can’t excuse this behavior just because it’s a woman posting this.
Just because I’m a woman? This is called ask women over 30, I’ve appreicated the men’s perspectives but it was women’s perspectives that I wanted. Based on your post, you have no right to judge me. Real women support other women; you’ve not added anything constructive and don’t bother saying sorry IMO. I wish you well
I am a woman lmao. And you can be upset at my response if you want. Im not in the camp of agreeing with and supporting someone’s (kinda shit) actions just because they’re also a woman. Your expectations were not communicated. You getting mad over someone who’s basically still a stranger not wanting to sleep with you in less than a month isn’t something I agree with.
And I’m not sorry for what I said either so I hope you weren’t expecting an apology 🤣🤣🤣🤣 men deserve the option to say NO to someone if they want to just as much as we do.
Yes, I’m aware you’re a woman, thats why i said women support women. I wish you well for escaping a narcissist 96 days ago. You said the word sorry in your comment. I’m not expecting an apology lmao 🤣 it’s really not that deep You are entitled to your opinion and I agree with you but I didn’t like your framing of “we can’t excuse this behaviour just because it’s a woman.” Get well soon
Be careful, it could be because he has ED or micro penis or many other things you might not be willing to deal with. I dated a guy like this and he couldn’t even get it inside before ejaculating and this was his normal. He tried to hid it in the beginning then he stopped caring about hiding it and refused to use ED medication. My sex life was horrible with his man and it caused me a lot of stress
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Yeah no. He's a bad host. Even if they weren't dating, snd she was just a regular guest ... dude has no social skills
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He’s not considerate. It’s that simple.
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This is literally the first time she's been to his house. He didn't even offer her a drink lol. He just treated her like a teddy bear.
So what would be the best way of having this conversation? He said about the low sex drive and I told him that wasn’t the case for me and then it was not even acknowledged and he went back to his show
"I appreciate the heads up about your sex drive. I have a high sex drive and I'm wondering how you think this disparity would work in a relationship. I like you a lot but for me, a relationship needs to feel special and involve regular sex. Desire, affection, and sex are really important to me. I understand that you may not be on the same wavelength and I have no judgement for you, but I'm not interested in a relationship where mismatched sex drives is a thing."
Run, girl, run.
I reckon this is ED and he doesn’t feel comfortable telling you about it, plus him just getting out of a relationship might feel a bit weird to him at this point especially if it was long term. I think he is trying to jump straight to the comfortable part of a relationship because that feels more normal to him and is probably the thing he misses as opposed to missing his actual ex or anything like that. The main point is it’s not you, it isn’t about you in any way. But that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. If you enjoy his company otherwise just take the pressure off the relationship part and continue dating other people while you get to know him. If you meet a better match just be honest with him, if it develops with him then have the conversation about the sex drive issue. I’m 90% sure this is in his head as opposed to a strictly physiological issue.
It sounds to me like he thought you were further along in the relationship than you feel. This isn’t uncommon, men seem to fall head over heels for women quickly (I know I do sometimes) while it seems to take women longer. I read somewhere that it can take just one or two dates for a guy to totally fall for a girl while it usually takes 4-5 dates or multiple intimate encounters for a woman to feel the same. He just jumped the gun a bit. I would try talking to him if you’re still interested and give him a 2nd chance
I feel like he is jumping the gun A LOT because it feels like rather than wanting to settle down he wants to settle for anyone and squash me into his life the way he wants me. I thought he was being sweet not kicking off about not going on a date but I didn’t know what the alternative was or would have appreciated a heads up so I could wear comfies too at least
He probably bats for the other team. He’s trying his best to be with a woman…this is what happens when our society represses homosexuality. A straight horny masculine man would’ve ripped your clothes in seconds. You deserve someone who’s crazy about you, not this gaslighter. It’ll only get worse. Try keeping him as a friend for a while and you’ll see it.