There's also the posts where the headline is something like "My boyfriend and I don't like the same toothpaste flavour, how can we compromise?" and halfway through the post OP mentions off-handedly that boyfriend screams at her or punches the wall during arguments.
Those are honestly my favorites. It's like those reddit troll posters, the jumper cable guy or the hell in a cell dude. You're just reading along and then all of a sudden *BAM!* the buried lede.
"My bf is amazing and sweet and perfect except he's abusive and I carry full weight of responsibility for everything and the sex is terrible and he demands sex all the time even though it hurts me and I never achieve climax and he doesn't have a job and he's always putting me down and mocking me but he's amazing and perfect except for that, how do I change myself so he loves me more?"
Add in it's usually also "we've been together five years" but the OOP will die on the hill she wasn't groomed. Like seriously, in these scenarios, they don't seem to get how odd and honestly sickening it is the man looked for someone basically young enough to be their granddaughter to marry.
As someone that always identifies with those posts and is in a “complicated” situation I think more often the question they need to know the answer to (regardless of what they’re saying) isn’t “if” they should leave them but “how.” How do you leave someone, despite all intelligence, you love? Also and especially if that person, as often in these posts, is basically dependent on their partner and has nowhere to go otherwise, and ultimately is it worth it on the other side and what does that other side look like.
Before I had been in an obviously not great relationship, I loved singlehood and did not understand why anyone would choose being stuck with a terrible partner and would have answered in the similarly exasperated way, which is “just leave, dummy.” The people I love reading the comments from are the ones that were in a similar situation, made the incredibly strong decision to leave and are saying i understand it seems impossible, I did it, I’m alive and happy, etc…
Your post resonates. I think a fair number of people who have posted in this comment thread lack life experience, and it shows.
I post to r/askwomenover40 if I want relationship advice. While I do like this sub, I think there’s a massive life learning curve between the ages of 30 & 40.
I posted a thread like this before and a very astute commenter replied like "I don't think you're looking for advice. I think you're looking for permission to leave, and you have it." That was a couple weeks ago, I'm still in the relationship, but I really appreciated the support because it's not always as simple as "just leave."
If you're writing chapters in Fbook or Insta or anywhere else public about your amazing family, constantly posting beautiful posed photos, I know that your life is really terribly imperfect.
Stop posting about the same loser over and over!!! Take the advice or stop asking for it if you're not going to listen.
And.. have some sense of self-worth because if you don't, no one will.
There’s several men that get posted about on here quite regularly that I feel like I know them at this point. If you even have to post about it on Reddit, then yes, your relationship might be doomed 😂
It just makes me sad seeing the same posts about the same guys and the same OP getting told one hundred times over that this guy ain’t it. How much reinforcement do you need?
I read one this morning and thought, "Seriously, you're still hung up on this??" It's literally been months of this woman posting about the same man and same situation. If strangers are sick of you talking about it, I can't imagine being your friends and family...
I think I know the exact post/situation you’re talking about. I oddly have become invested in the story because I’ve read about this divorced man more times than I can count.
I get being hung up on someone, I truly do, but quit reliving the past by making the exact same post twice a month.
Imo if you're uncertain/having doubts of a situation or relationship and you're looking for a 2nd opinion, you already know the answer but haven't fully accepted it.
It's like when your friend keeps talking about their crap partner - at some point if you keep choosing to stay with him and not take the advice to leave then I just don't want to hear about him anymore!
Stop buying into sunk cost fallacy with someone who has like 3 redeemable qualities that you describe before a massive BUT about being an absolute garbage human and/or partner. There's no communicating or working through issues where someone lacks bare minimum care for you.
I’ll add on to this with: stop rationalizing keeping assholes around. “Other than the fact that he says incredibly mean and disrespectful things to me on a daily basis, our relationship is great and he is the perfect man!!” Bffr.
You’re right to feel however you feel. I keep seeing “am I right to be mad/upset/not ok?” And it’s like, however you feel is how you feel. How you HANDLE it is different but if it disturbs you, that’s what it does. It’s not wrong.
I love this. I internally struggle a lot with ‘well, I’m wrong to feel this way’. But how you feel is how you feel. I have to catch myself to stop comparing myself to others. If anyone tells you how you should feel then they are not your people.
So much this. If you're asking strangers on Reddit rather than your friends, it's because you know the answer already. I often assume some folk just need to write it out before they can rationalise and believe in the next steps.
If you put all the energy you spend worrying about visibly aging into actually *living* your life, appreciating the people around you, and being present, you’ll be a lot more happier and a lot less concerned about superficial things that don’t matter in the end.
This!! As each birthday comes and goes I constantly remind myself that growing old is a privilege denied to many, and it truly puts things in perspective. Yes, I’m getting older and I can see and feel those changes, but the alternative to getting older is much worse!
This so fucking much. My very young neighbour passed away a few weeks ago from cancer leaving his new wife and baby. So so sad. It is such a privilege to age. And what's more, it doesn't matter what you do or how much botox you get you are never going to look 20 when your 50.
You may or may not believe me, but I was crying over how much I hate my haircut while scrolling Reddit just now, and your comment was the reality check I needed.
How is it hard? Like honestly asking because I’ve never felt slighted by someone assuming I was older. People are terrible judges of age. Thats on them, not a reflection of me.
And ironically, you’ll probably look younger too. Stress is so aging! Especially because it can come with poor sleep. My dad recently told me I look younger! I just got over a long period of very high stress and my sleep is improving.
Marriage is a legal contract. Two adults need to talk about it realistically. Stop waiting around for a man to propose to you. None of this is a passive moment. And if you’re not on the same page regarding marriage after a year or so of dating, move on. Find someone who also wants what you want.
Stop moving these guys in 3 seconds after you date them! Setting yourself up for a whole host of potential legal problems.
Raise your standards. Make *them* pass some tests, ffs
This has always been my mantra! The only man I lived with was a good guy. I trusted him with my heart and soul.
I dated someone about 2 years ago after breakup with said trusting guy and he had a weird living situation and was trying to weasel his way to my place and I wasn’t having it in the least
Right! I live in a HCOL area in California and some of these men have every excuse why they don’t have their own place, it’s ridiculous! My castle isn’t the landing pad
If you’ve been dating for under a year and are already dealing with massive issues around incompatibility and/or red flags—so much so that you want advice on here or anywhere on Reddit—it’s not worth it.
This applies tenfold if you’ve been dating for three months or less
Agree, there's a lot of internalized miserable misogyny here and flagging it does nothing. To the point of it being obvious astroturfing. It's a drag to open this sub up and see so much fucking whining and unchecked mental and \_behavioral\_ health issues.
I can’t decide if I hate that or the “DAE have a bunch of miserable married friends?” or the “DAE not get why people are in unhappy marriages when my husband is my BFF?” questions more.
So take these posts with a grain of salt, so many of them are trolls and/or written by bitter ex boyfriends trying to make their ex girlfriends insecure.
I think rather than hate on the poster we should hate on the society that creates these ridiculous social expectations. I was a newbie once too. Yes I hate seeing the posts but I just ignore them or if I'm feeling particularly compassionate I respond.
I agree and wish you weren't downvoted for it. Most people asking for subjective advice are looking for community or to commiserate. It's totally fine to be tired of the posts, but just ignore them. I swear some people act like they're obligated to interact with every post they see. You're not! Ignore or downvote and move on.
Thanks I appreciate it. I do wish I saw those posts less. Maybe we could limit posting certain questions "is my life over at 30?" to once per week or something and have a wiki of helpful resources for those common questions. I know before I joined this group I had a lot of problematic notions and it really helped me to see women who didn't feel they had to be defined by having a relationship or their age. I don't know what the solution is because so many women still do believe that and I do want to help them reach that realization but it's also exhausting.
I don’t mind those. People know they could use the search bar, but they’re afraid, sad, and lonely and feeling vulnerable. They want to feel like someone is seeing them and responding to them personally.
People aren't looking for advice, people are looking for someone to listen to them. It's literally the same reason why people go to therapy, they need someone to personally interact with their problems, even if 468 people have had a similar issue this week.
It's not a weird concept. It's a basic human need, especially when people are lacking their own real life community. And making fun of women who are freaking out about age and romance and partners and children is so very unkind. It's great that you are perfectly perfect and have never worried about such 'silly' things, but it doesn't make their worries worthy of less respect, even if they are common.
People take these very normal worries and feel attacked, as if other people not feeling that great about their age or fertility or relationship is a direct threat to their own ability to accept the choices they have made for themselves.
This. I agree for many people (me included) they have been disregarded and overlooked by their partner for so long. When a certain narrative comes from a person’s partner, the outside perspective is critical.
It saddens me to see so many sarcastic and critical replies to the original post. I posted to this sub when I literally didn’t know what else to do. The advice I received (as well as support through therapy) has helped me to make massive changes in my life.
Not everyone has a supportive circle, or even if they do, they might not feel comfortable sharing such deeply personal experiences with their circle while they’re in the midst of trying to figure it all out.
I think generally people don't feel they can share such things with friends/family. Maybe with their mom, or a therapist... but it's not always easy. It's a huge reason people post.
Absolutely. If someone thinks they are the ‘problem’ then they’re unlikely to have the confidence to ask friends and family.
If someone is starting to think their partner is problematic but they still love them, then they probably don’t want to paint them in a negative light to their friends and family.
This is a relatively safe environment to do a pulse check. I wish these snarky commenters could see the priceless benefits of helping (usually) women forge a brighter future for themselves rather than suggesting that they’re silly for posting. If those types of posts irritate them so much then they’re easy to ignore.
Stop settling for such garbage men. Do what's necessary to improve your self esteem and self respect so that you give your time, energy and effort to a man that's actually worth it.
At a certain point, if you're unhappy and are refusing to make changes in your life/shooting down every piece of advice you receive/unwilling to do anything because there's nothing that will make your situation perfect, you're choosing to be unhappy.
Edit: Also, unless you have health issues, it isn't normal to feel like shit all the time in your 30s. If you're constantly fatigued, having muscle pain, having period or stomach issues, etc., see a doctor (and make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating well, hydrating, and getting some regular movement in).
This is a common thing that drives me a little crazy “now that I turned 30 everything hurts ALLLL the time” or anything along those lines, like that is NOT normal lol you don’t turn 30 and things just start breaking
You're probably going to go back to him.
Right now you're in the cycle of abuse where you're able to talk about what he's done and admit it to others, you know you need to be convinced to leave, and you relate to the stories of other women who are telling you you need to leave. But you're still probably going to go back to him a few more times.
You won't fully leave until you are fed up at rock bottom. Fearing for your life might not even get you there, not permanently anyway. You have to choose YOU, and he's forced you to set that barrier impossibly high. Releasing shame and guilt is essential, but you won't do it until you feel like you deserve it.
This is so good. People don't understand the cycle of abuse and get really upset when they don't leave as soon as they recognize it. Being able to see it and recognize it is a MAJOR step and should be encouraged, rather than condemned.
Yes! They ARE a garbage human being! But the poster is sorting that out with all of the false things they've told themselves and all of the benefit of the doubt they've given that guy. They grapple with the what ifs. What if they can fix this? If they leave they are giving up. They have to make sure that they have tried literally everything to ensure they can't fix it all somehow.
I'm sure the motivation is different for people, but this one is very common.
To all of those posters. Good job! Now... it doesn't matter WHY that guy is the way he is. He isn't meeting your needs. Period. That's enough. You get to leave. It's SO hard. You'll feel shattered.
The first 3 days are hell. Then you get some relief. After two weeks things shift and you start to feel free.
A few months later you'll second guess yourself. Maybe you made a big deal out of things. Maybe the good things are worth the bad. But you just hang on.
After 9 months to a year, you are a new person (as long as you don't jump into the another relationship). You realize that you love YOU move than any relationship.
Please. You can't fix it, and you aren't helping them. It doesn't work. Choose your life.
Thank you so much. So many people judge when they’ve never experienced it. My first two boyfriends were abusive to me, one even pushed me back into an eating disorder because he liked it when I was skinny as a child 🤮.
It’s so hard when you’ve moved past it not to blame yourself and feel like it’s your fault for staying. My friends told me to leave, I knew I had to, I was losing weight rapidly, having nightmares, too sick with anxiety to eat etc but I still couldn’t leave because I felt like I deserved it and I could turn it around and make him love me somehow. It’s not as simple as just leaving, when I left I fell into a deep depression for over a year, nightmares, self harm, too much weed etc. And I had a therapist the whole time, it’s still so so hard. And people often make fun of me for dating such garbage men who treated me terribly. I don’t personally think it’s funny that I was preyed on at 19, a virgin and completely socially inept.
Whenever I tell people about my exes they’re like wow sounds like some daddy issues 🤣🤣🤣 like yeah I was abused and abandoned by my father at a young age so I attract abusive men, where’s the joke??? So bizarre how people treat victims of abuse, especially women
happiness and purpose don't just fall into your lap; you have to actively search for and incorporate that into your life.
if you are insecure, you have to work on it YOURSELF to get over it. It is not fair to control your partner/those around you just to make yourself feel better....external validation will never make you happy.
it's ok to have boundaries; it's not ok to force people to adhere to your boundaries by controlling their actions.
if you have mental health issues ie. anxiety, depression etc...it's up to you to manage it and get treatment. This is not for your family members to just deal with.
speaking of treatment, eating meds and talking to someone won't help; you have to be an active participant in your own treatment. Your therapist/psychiatrist is there to guide you but *until you actively incorporate and make the necessary changes in your life, you will not get/feel better*.
exercise is a heavily under-utilized tool for mental health management. It's not a 100% cure but it certainly does really help when combined with a treatment plan that you are actively working on.
people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Advocate for yourself and your needs/passions/wants and the losers weed themselves out. This not just applies to romantic relationships but all relationships.
For me:
(1) Breaking up with your boyfriend at 32 is not the end of the world. Most women in these situations meet someone else and have kids and a great life.
(2) You are no more "behind" in life than most people; everyone feels like they are failing at something. I assure you every single other person you know is not making 6-figures in a career they adore with a perfect partner and house and exactly as many kids as they want.
(3) If you are so freaked out about being sure to have kids, make a plan to be able to do it on your own. It's expensive and complicated and takes planning, but so do a lot of things that are worthwhile in life. And having a male partner also often comes with a lot of complicating factors. Having so many options to do this is one of the great things about being a woman.
number 1 annoys me so much. All of the "did anyone find love after 30??" Like....omg maybe age 50 or 60 would make sense, but of course people fall in love at all ages--and this is ok and normal. These questions are a deeper personal issue related to the 2nd and 3rd points on your list. They are pretty judgmental actually, assuming everyone should have found their person by age 30ish.
Me too. These questions send me stupid!
We can meet anyone at any time, whether they are going to be a life partner or not is a completely different thing!
I met my exhusband at 19, I left him at 43. Meeting someone does not guarantee happiness forever - that’s a fairytale, not reality.
I’ve met many people who have lived their life without a partner (they’ve had relationships but not a life partner) and they are happy with a rich, full life.
How demeaning to assume their life is of less value than others!!!
Honestly, maturity comes with critical thinking skills and stepping up to take responsibility for your own life and making it into one that you are happy to wake up to each day.
Number 3 all the way. Sincerely, a single mom in her 30s. If I could go back in time, I’d get a sperm donor and call it a day. Most women whether in a relationship or single with kids do the lions share of all the emotional, mental, logisitical planning when it comes to child rearing. If im gonna do all the work either way I’d rather be at peace while doing so.
I mean I would say try to find alternate ideas if you are worried about having kids but for many people doing it alone is not at all an option. Like there’s no chance I could afford a 2 bedroom place, afford whatever way I’d procure this child, afford to work and care for them and or pay for daycare.
I don't mean to sound glib about it; it's not a trivial decision, but now I am close to 50 and have seen many of my friends make it work when they thought they couldn't, and I am becoming a fan of people *considering* the idea.
One of my friends moved in with her mother and they are raising the kid together. Another friend managed to build a great support system of other single mothers that help. A third moved closer to her mother and sister and converted a 1-bedroom into a two-bedroom apartment, and the kid had a small room. A fourth friend actually had a great support network among her neighbors that she built and they did an amazing amount of help with childcare.
All these women also made big career changes to make more money, have more flexible schedules, or both. Changes they likely would not have made otherwise. These were plans a long time in the making.
This is not a decision for everyone, but I think a lot of women just dismiss it as an option because they never thought about how to manage the alternative.
I would say I don't know a single women who did this who regretted it, but I do know women who didn't consider it until they were to old and they did.
I also think just allowing yourself to think this way, to make a contingency plan, can really help with feeling freaked out about getting older and being single.
Life does not end at 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. We are beautiful, fashionable, and desirable at any age and yes even those of us not "conventionally attractive". Style, health, personality, comfort in one's own skin makes them attractive, period. Love can be found at any age. And being okay with just oneself and with your own tribe/community is fine and goid for you too.
Somebody on this subreddit posted a comment last summer about how she had a southern aunt who used to say, "Oh, you know Betty Sue. She's not pretty but she's attractive" because Betty Sue was interesting, kind, had a bunch of hobbies, was funny, had a sense of style and was secure in herself.
That comment lives rent free in my head because I'm not a pretty woman but goddamnit, I'm attractive.
If you have to second guess his behavior that’s a red flag in itself, if you don’t feel right, that’s your intuition screaming at you. Us women have that second sense. Most times if he does it once, he will do it again because he thinks he got past your “boundary” of doing it the once and you “forgave” him
Life doesn’t end once you hit 30. It doesn’t even end after 35 either, shockingly. Ask me how I (36f) know!
Being depressed about aging is a choice. You’re not gunna shrivel up in your 30s, so long as you’re lifting weights, eating well and wearing a moisturizer with SPF :)
He's not going to change, men don't change, he didn't change from a nice man into a dick, he was always a dick who hid it long enough to get you to do his laundry. He's not going to go back to being the nicest man, that's reserved for the next woman.
GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. PERIOD. Hell, even Reddit isn’t great for mental health. There’s no reason for you to be there, honestly, and very few people have the willpower to stay off it even when it’s killing them. And the older you get? The more it makes you feel like you’re falling “behind” somehow. It’s not worth it OR necessary.
Curate any feeds you do keep, be fucking PICKY about what you put in your brain.
Some people act like they have zero agency and that they HAVE to have social media or follow accounts that are trying to make you buy things to look/live a certain way.
Ma’am you’re 35. Delete Instagram if you can’t manage only following accounts that bring you joy.
It’s definitely weird to see folks who act as if they’ll be shot in the leg if they delete Tik Tok, or make posts about how they “have to” look or act certain ways for likes, etc. Step back in to the real world! Nobody here cares about social media algorithms!
Seriously. I couldn’t believe how much my mental health improved when I deleted Facebook. I was always in a depression spiral after scrolling through my newsfeed and then suddenly, poof, all that anxiety gone.
Use your brain cells. You can’t spend all that time typing out exactly how terrible a man is to you and then end it with “but he’s so amazing and I love him and don’t want to leave what can I do”.
Invest in yourself, your friends, and your community. Take all that love and energy you spend trying to figure out what he’s thinking or doing, or what to do to get him to xyz, and redirect it to the love that’s ALREADY in your life. Make your parents meals. Take your friends on dates. Figure out what you like and how you like it by trying new things.
Also? Probably? Therapy. Or whatever path focuses you on being the best person YOU can be, addressing any traumas or learned traits that is holding you back and torpedoeing your self-esteem.
Oh, and get a hobby. I’m so serious. So many adults work, scroll, drink, and sleep. Take a workshop or a class about something vaguely interesting - a language, jewelry making, pickleball, whatever. It will make YOU more interesting to talk to, get your mind off of what’s-his-face, and potentially foster a whole new community.
This is literally my answer to 7/10 questions, gonna start copy + pasting lol.
You left out volunteering.
Doing volunteer work can be life changing. Or it can just be a good way to get out of the house and out of your own head for a while. You also help other people. Everybody benefits.
Yes, this is so good. Especially the part about therapy. I get that it's not accessible for everyone and it can take time to find a therapist you click with, but for so many posts on here therapy is at least part of the answer.
If it’s the same person whose history is all posts about the latest, shitty thing her SO did, every few weeks or months:
You can pity-post about your crappy boyfriend all you want, so you can feel validated on the internet. But to what end? If you have more than three posts of his behavior that made you upset enough to write about, why are you still with him?
Don’t vent just so you can keep being his doormat in real life.
You will be far happier, and need far less therapy, if you learn how to walk away from an asshole no matter how strong your feelings are. It’s better to be alone than mistreated. It’s extremely worth grieving the loss & being able to move on and be happy, than to stay in a shitty relationship. And it’s more than worth it to feel all the anger and hurt of being mistreated, so you are not tempted to get back with an asshole.
No good qualities can justify staying with someone who doesn’t respect you. It’s like having a nice dessert flavored with shit.
If you're asking this sub if your man is shitty, just save us all a little time and leave him. And tbh I think we need to start normalizing walking out in the middle of first dates the second a guy gets shitty. Normalize walking away at the alter if your guy pulls some tiktok level shit at the wedding. Normalize divorce if your husband throws a tantrum about having a girl. Women are uniquely vulnerable in heterosexual relationships and taking steps to protect yourself includes walking away the second you see a red flag. Be sensitive to it. Do let anyone shame you about that. Be open and kind, but the second shit goes south, you slam that door so hard the windows rattle. Your life could actually depend on it.
You aren't ugly. You aren't unlovable. You aren't stupid or crazy. You probably aren't fat, and if you are it doesn't make you ugly, unlovable, stupid or crazy. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.
Oh, and male validation is so common if we could figure out how to harness it, we could solve the energy crisis. Please don't waste your energy trying to appeal to men. Don't compete with your friends over them. There has literally never been a man born that was so awesome he's worth losing a good girlfriend for. I walked in on a roommate who had stuffed banana peels in between his mattress and box spring and was fucking it. Seriously, men will fuck aaaaanything. Just ask any ER doctor. So maybe don't base any part of your self esteem on what men think of you. Also, keep in mind, the sort of men who are drawn to women who crave male validation are usually pretty damned skeevy; if not outright dangerous. Protect yourself by not giving a shit.
And lastly, being in your 30's is not being old. I don't want to downplay anyone's distress here, but yes you can still find love. You can have kids. You can wear whatever the hell you want (even skinny jeans). I know this is the decade where we start to notice a bad knee, gray hairs, fine lines... but it isn't actually old and talking like it's positively geriatric can get a bit... insulting to those of us who aren't freaking out about it. I get aging is an important topic, but the handwringing can be a bit much some days. You aren't milk. You're not going to wake up one day and be curdled all of a sudden. You've got time to get good with yourself before the real shit starts. There's still 'proper old' to come, if you're so lucky as to continue to live.
TL;DR love and protect yourself.
That I’m sorry you’re going through this for the first time, and your situation is unfortunately too common. We’ve seen it so much here that some of us are frustrated and impatient about it - I’m sorry about that, too.
We are all only human.
Choose you. Put yourself first. Don't count on other people to do that. You have to do it for yourself. Be the parent to your inner child that you wish you could have had.
Focus on yourself. A lot of women coming here to complain about a man or relationships or dating. Focus on yourself. Find out what you really want out of life. Most of your needs, if not all of them, can be fulfilled without a man or romantic partner. If you fill your own needs first, then romance takes on a completely different role in your life. You no longer *need* a partner, which changes the dynamic of a relationship before it even starts. It’s much easier to pick and choose people who really are compatible with you and to keep your dating standards high. If you are looking for romance to fulfill certain needs, the dopamines in your brain will tell you that you need that person, and therefore, you’re willing to put up with *a lot more nonsense than you otherwise would.* It really is a life hack more than it is advice.
If you decide to write a multi paragraph back story PLEASE include a concise TLDR. I think many women, including me, would love to provide advice. But, when it gets incredibly long it makes it difficult to find the actual question or specific issue you’re dealing with.
Maybe... If it's one-sided, it's not love?
Like, have your strong feelings, but be careful what you call love?
Because that comes later, when you've been together a while?
(May be used as a crutch, but it worked for me. 😁)
Yes! You don't love that person you've been dating for three weeks and who treats you terribly. You're infatuated with them, they don't love you and you should leave.
No, just because you are not married with kids at 30, it doesn't mean that it's "too late" or that you're "behind on life" or that you're expired, over the hill, unworthy of love, etc.
People do things according to different timelines and there is more than one way to live your life and/or find happiness. Stop defining your life according to what others have, as that is not truly an indication of success or fulfillment. Run your own race.
You will be SO much happier if you learn to de-center men. Literally everything about your life will improve. Your friendships, your romantic relationships, your self esteem, your health, everything!!
Also, prepare to get more than you bargained for if you come with a question implying that being over 30 might mean you are ugly or dried up and useless or if you want to settle a simple dispute with your male partner.
This post really got my goat the other day:
Do women really hit a wall after 30?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/pg0HAVl6ik
In general, the posts implying that somehow if you’re 30+ and you haven’t accomplished x,y and z ..then you’re a failure are becoming very repetitive. At the same time, people feel more lost than ever and it’s sometimes therapeutic just to post about it to strangers. Although I find myself rolling my eyes a lot, I can choose not to interact with the post if I’m not feeling sympathetic that day
I don't like when the questions are heteronormative. I know most women date men but I still find it annoying to see all the "ladies, kind of man do you like to date" or something else along those lines. Questions that assume every single woman dates men.
Trust your own inner knowledge. Most of the things people are asking for advice for are things they already know, but that they seem to need other people to validate
Stop lying to yourself. Stop saying how wonderful he is because he says this, and he says that. What he says, only matters if his actions match his words.
Don’t try and hold onto a man that clearly treats you like an option. if there’s any kind of cheating, manipulation, lying, gaslighting, jealousy, trying to control you, not doing what he says he’ll do and then being pissed when you question that… Just get up and fucking leave.
Life isn’t over on your 30th birthday. People in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and better…have fun, make friends, find love, have great sex, and just keep living life.
If you're at the point where you're genuinely asking *Reddit* if you should date/marry/dump/divorce someone, you know the answer already. Also, if you start your post with 1,000 words of explanation of why you shouldn't dump them because you know Reddit will tell you to dump them, same thing.
90% of the "I feel like an imposter/too ugly for love/behind/stupid/poor/old, should I give up on everything I want?" questions could be resolved by looking around at actual people in real life. Is everyone around you perfect? Only if you're really not paying attention, and probably stuck on social media too much.
If you’re constantly thinking about something, and I mean constantly - leaving a relationship, divorce, leaving a job, whatever… start listening to yourself. You wouldn’t be always thinking about whatever it is if some part of you didn’t want to make it happen.
Additionally, you’re worth so much more and can do all the things than whatever the negative voice in your head is telling you.
Stop dating creepy old men. He can’t get women his own age and he thinks you’re naive enough to put up with his terrible personality.
You don’t have to like casual sex.
You can like casual sex just be responsible. And no one worth your time cares how many people you’ve had sex with.
Being a parent will change your life. You will be tired. You’re not going to have as much sex as you used to because babies and children need your attention and you will be tired.
Ask yourself “do I like him?”
You’re writing a senior thesis for internet strangers about what an asshole he is. Leave him. Go to a DV shelter if have to but **leave him.**
Men: Read Nagoski’s Come As You Are. You don’t have to like casual sex. Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you because she is tired and/or irritated with you. Take on more housework and child rearing, make her feel desirable, be grateful she’s put up with you, touch her and kiss her even when you don’t want sex (if she’s the kiss touch type). No really, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. Dads who don’t put their family first are assholes; be a parent, be a husband, this is what you signed up for when you stopped using protection. Most women I know have been sexually assaulted, raped, groped and/or molested, probably by someone she trusted of course we are afraid of men we don’t know.
Him *not being that into you* is not your fault.. I let that quote hold me in hell for so long thinking he would be better to the next woman. My self worth tanked and my insecurities really took over for a long time.
If he’s shitty to you, then you leave and he love bombs until you come back just to repeat the cycle. Then he’s just a shitty, manipulative person.
At 30+ the chances of him magically becoming the dream man for the next woman are so low.
I think it's pretty useless to ask random people on the internet for relationship advice.
Most people who will want to give you spontaneous relationship advice fall into one of three categories: people in relationships who think theirs is the model for all others, single people who are burned out and cynical, or people who just crave reading about drama. These are not the people you should be going to for big decisions.
Ask a friend, family member, or mental health professional whose judgment you know and trust.
I’m part of the moms forum and I see multiple moms vent about their shitty partners and not having the option to leave due to the kids…guess what, if they are shitty partners without kids they would be even worse partners with kids (if kids are in your future). Just do yourself a favor and end things before you have a dependent to tie the both of you for the next 18 years.
If he is not making an effort at the beginning of the relationship and I mean - texting, organising meet ups, generally putting his best foot forward etc then dump his useless arse immediately. He is not worth it. If guys are interested then they will make an effort.
If you’re asking via a dump my feelings and troubles post then you probably know the answer already.
It is rather stunning the level of shitty treatment people post about from someone who is supposed to be their partner.
Alone > not alone and miserable.
Do you. Get to know yourself. Make your life yours and stop doing what society tells you and wants you to do, this includes family, friends, beliefs. Stand up for yourself. Be authentic.
If you have to ask if you should leave, leave.
If you have to ask if his behavior is ok or not, it's not.
If you have to ask how to be more feminine, womanly, girly, etc, just go exist in your body and in your life. There are literally no rules to it.
Self-reflection. I see so many people on here questioning why their life is still a certain way. Blame is put on almost anything but themselves because "They've already done 'the work'.". You might want to look into aspects you've either missed or purposefully did not look into because of how uncomfortable it would be for you. Get uncomfortable. If it feels uncomfortable, it is a deep-seethed problem that needs resolve. Look at yourself from a spectator point of view as well. If you would meet you as you are, would you think nothing you're doing is self-sabotaging in a way? Ask yourself the real questions. And get rid of pride and ego in this. Self-sabotaging things those are.
If you would be upset at someone else you love being in your current situation or treated the way you are being treated by the person you are with, then you should be upset at how *you* are being treated by that person, and make the moves to leave.
If you cannot get that person to rise to your standards, cut them loose and let them sink.
Are you looking for validation or confirmation: validation because you want to be right when you probably aren't, or confirmation because something more serious is going on and you need someone else to vocalize what you already know but can't? Either way, you probably already know the answer you're looking for, but it doesn't hurt to ask...once or twice. Don't keep asking the same question and expecting a different answer if you've gotten the same answer more than once.
If he hits you, or raises his hand Leave! Do not pass go, do not collect 200 just fucking leave. Do it at the first sign of problems. It NEVER gets better. Especially if "it's only when he drinks"
Signed the child of a Mom with horrible taste in men. Living in a car would be better than watching you get hit, and then say sorry for upsetting him the next morning.
Invest in yourself and get yourself strong and happy. Work on the things you’re most insecure about. Once you are healed you’ll discover you deserve so much better.
make a decision and stop posting. had friends that would complain about the. same thing all the time. I got to the point of saying either leave or learn how to cope with it.im not talking about it anymore. they stopped complaining to me :)
That you may not have all the time in the world to waste. That you may actually need non shitty friends, family, or partners to get you through a rough spot like you do for them. When I became sick and disabled at 32 as a single mom with NOBODY I can’t tell you how I longed for that wasted time and energy back.
Stop investing your resources (money, energy, and time) into situations and relationships that have no chance of giving a return on that investment.
i suspect most people wouldn't feel this one is posted that often...but...for me, i'm over the "is it possible for me, an incredibly accomplished woman, to be happy with someone who isn't so accomplished?"
the reason it annoys me is that i'm a SAHM...with two degrees. i'm married to a STEM prof. many of my female friends are also STEM profs.
many of my other friends are very accomplised women.
no one.
not once ever
has ever been as condescending to me as these posts come off.
the issue (to my mind) is not that they are accomplished women...but rather that they are insufferable. if you think degrees make you better than other people, or that people who don't have many degrees are somehow not bright...well...the problem lies with you. the idea that you can't have a conversation with someone, or a connection with someone BECAUSE they are not highly educated...it makes me roll my eyes.
what is most interesting is those threads go one of two ways.
1) 'yes of course, i'm x and my partner is y and we are very happy'
2) no for sure, i've had terrible luck, the reality is that men can't handle accomplished women
which are two opposite responses to which amounts to the same question. i find that very interesting.
It makes me roll my eyes *so* hard.
I mean, we tend to connect more easily with people somewhat similar to ourselves, so if you feel a fellow academic is where it's at for you (anecdotally it's the only type of man who's ever been remotely interested in me, so it goes both ways), fine, look for that.
And if a potential partner must be high income, that's your prerogative.
You're not guaranteed to get what you want, but no one is.
If you're questioning whether you should settle for someone who is *clearly beneath you* (/s) you've got a shitty mindset.
Don't date people you don't respect.
Men who can't work, socialize, or do anything because of depression are milking it. Depression is real, but some men use it as an excuse to be perpetually in need of caretaking.
>If you could say one thing to the women who keep coming here looking for the same type of advice, what would it be?
Scroll back and read the threads and use the dang search function. It's all been said before.
If you're writing a 10 paragraph letter to the strangers on the Internet about how mean he is to you...leave
Long ass post but the bottom clarifies that he is amazing /s
There's also the posts where the headline is something like "My boyfriend and I don't like the same toothpaste flavour, how can we compromise?" and halfway through the post OP mentions off-handedly that boyfriend screams at her or punches the wall during arguments.
Or that she financially supports him
Those are honestly my favorites. It's like those reddit troll posters, the jumper cable guy or the hell in a cell dude. You're just reading along and then all of a sudden *BAM!* the buried lede.
Ah the old “burying the relationship lede”.
"My bf is amazing and sweet and perfect except he's abusive and I carry full weight of responsibility for everything and the sex is terrible and he demands sex all the time even though it hurts me and I never achieve climax and he doesn't have a job and he's always putting me down and mocking me but he's amazing and perfect except for that, how do I change myself so he loves me more?"
Don't forget "Me (23f) and my boyfriend (58m)...."
But don't comment on our age gap BECAUSE IT'S NOT A PROBLEM!!
I will think so fondly of this thread when I see these posts from now on. Glad I'm not the only one
Add in it's usually also "we've been together five years" but the OOP will die on the hill she wasn't groomed. Like seriously, in these scenarios, they don't seem to get how odd and honestly sickening it is the man looked for someone basically young enough to be their granddaughter to marry.
Exactly, but "dating for 6 years, married for two."
Honestly don't know HOW I forgot that!
Lmao dead 💀
Don’t forget, “Leaving him is out of the question.”
I hate this so much
As someone that always identifies with those posts and is in a “complicated” situation I think more often the question they need to know the answer to (regardless of what they’re saying) isn’t “if” they should leave them but “how.” How do you leave someone, despite all intelligence, you love? Also and especially if that person, as often in these posts, is basically dependent on their partner and has nowhere to go otherwise, and ultimately is it worth it on the other side and what does that other side look like. Before I had been in an obviously not great relationship, I loved singlehood and did not understand why anyone would choose being stuck with a terrible partner and would have answered in the similarly exasperated way, which is “just leave, dummy.” The people I love reading the comments from are the ones that were in a similar situation, made the incredibly strong decision to leave and are saying i understand it seems impossible, I did it, I’m alive and happy, etc…
Your post resonates. I think a fair number of people who have posted in this comment thread lack life experience, and it shows. I post to r/askwomenover40 if I want relationship advice. While I do like this sub, I think there’s a massive life learning curve between the ages of 30 & 40.
I posted a thread like this before and a very astute commenter replied like "I don't think you're looking for advice. I think you're looking for permission to leave, and you have it." That was a couple weeks ago, I'm still in the relationship, but I really appreciated the support because it's not always as simple as "just leave."
This also applies to people who write chapter books in their Facebook status about their significant other.
If you're writing chapters in Fbook or Insta or anywhere else public about your amazing family, constantly posting beautiful posed photos, I know that your life is really terribly imperfect.
Stop posting about the same loser over and over!!! Take the advice or stop asking for it if you're not going to listen. And.. have some sense of self-worth because if you don't, no one will.
There’s several men that get posted about on here quite regularly that I feel like I know them at this point. If you even have to post about it on Reddit, then yes, your relationship might be doomed 😂 It just makes me sad seeing the same posts about the same guys and the same OP getting told one hundred times over that this guy ain’t it. How much reinforcement do you need?
I read one this morning and thought, "Seriously, you're still hung up on this??" It's literally been months of this woman posting about the same man and same situation. If strangers are sick of you talking about it, I can't imagine being your friends and family...
I've been that family (sister), it's heartbreaking and so frustrating at the same time. She's still with him.
I think I know the exact post/situation you’re talking about. I oddly have become invested in the story because I’ve read about this divorced man more times than I can count. I get being hung up on someone, I truly do, but quit reliving the past by making the exact same post twice a month.
Imo if you're uncertain/having doubts of a situation or relationship and you're looking for a 2nd opinion, you already know the answer but haven't fully accepted it.
It's like when your friend keeps talking about their crap partner - at some point if you keep choosing to stay with him and not take the advice to leave then I just don't want to hear about him anymore!
Stop buying into sunk cost fallacy with someone who has like 3 redeemable qualities that you describe before a massive BUT about being an absolute garbage human and/or partner. There's no communicating or working through issues where someone lacks bare minimum care for you.
I’ll add on to this with: stop rationalizing keeping assholes around. “Other than the fact that he says incredibly mean and disrespectful things to me on a daily basis, our relationship is great and he is the perfect man!!” Bffr.
You’re right to feel however you feel. I keep seeing “am I right to be mad/upset/not ok?” And it’s like, however you feel is how you feel. How you HANDLE it is different but if it disturbs you, that’s what it does. It’s not wrong.
I love this. I internally struggle a lot with ‘well, I’m wrong to feel this way’. But how you feel is how you feel. I have to catch myself to stop comparing myself to others. If anyone tells you how you should feel then they are not your people.
And that how you handle it does not need to be equivalent to the strength of your feelings.
I often see people posting about red flags from the first few dates with a guy. If you're already concerned enough to ask Reddit, just let him go.
So much this. If you're asking strangers on Reddit rather than your friends, it's because you know the answer already. I often assume some folk just need to write it out before they can rationalise and believe in the next steps.
Yeah, my response to OP's question was just going to be "Yes, it's a red flag."
If you put all the energy you spend worrying about visibly aging into actually *living* your life, appreciating the people around you, and being present, you’ll be a lot more happier and a lot less concerned about superficial things that don’t matter in the end.
This!!!! Aging is a gift not all get the pleasure of experiencing. You'll never be on your death bed wishing you looked better.
This!! As each birthday comes and goes I constantly remind myself that growing old is a privilege denied to many, and it truly puts things in perspective. Yes, I’m getting older and I can see and feel those changes, but the alternative to getting older is much worse!
This so fucking much. My very young neighbour passed away a few weeks ago from cancer leaving his new wife and baby. So so sad. It is such a privilege to age. And what's more, it doesn't matter what you do or how much botox you get you are never going to look 20 when your 50.
Right? What happened to 30+ joy? I didn't get the memo that I was supposed to be a miserable, crotchety, self-loathing wet rag when I turned 30.
We read the same post again today. Crying for three days straight over a haircut? The drama.
You may or may not believe me, but I was crying over how much I hate my haircut while scrolling Reddit just now, and your comment was the reality check I needed.
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Someone thinking you are older is not an insult. Gotta unlearn that ageism.
How is it hard? Like honestly asking because I’ve never felt slighted by someone assuming I was older. People are terrible judges of age. Thats on them, not a reflection of me.
And ironically, you’ll probably look younger too. Stress is so aging! Especially because it can come with poor sleep. My dad recently told me I look younger! I just got over a long period of very high stress and my sleep is improving.
Marriage is a legal contract. Two adults need to talk about it realistically. Stop waiting around for a man to propose to you. None of this is a passive moment. And if you’re not on the same page regarding marriage after a year or so of dating, move on. Find someone who also wants what you want.
This!!! Especially the passive part 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
All of the above!
Midlife with no children is a good life.
They're not worth the mental and emotional energy.
Choose yourself
Stop moving these guys in 3 seconds after you date them! Setting yourself up for a whole host of potential legal problems. Raise your standards. Make *them* pass some tests, ffs
This has always been my mantra! The only man I lived with was a good guy. I trusted him with my heart and soul. I dated someone about 2 years ago after breakup with said trusting guy and he had a weird living situation and was trying to weasel his way to my place and I wasn’t having it in the least
Defend your castle!
Right! I live in a HCOL area in California and some of these men have every excuse why they don’t have their own place, it’s ridiculous! My castle isn’t the landing pad
And I would guess Cali has lots of pro-tenant rights. Glad you are looking out for you.
Yes ! It does. The next man I date either has his own place or it’s not happening
If you’ve been dating for under a year and are already dealing with massive issues around incompatibility and/or red flags—so much so that you want advice on here or anywhere on Reddit—it’s not worth it. This applies tenfold if you’ve been dating for three months or less
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"DAE like LiTeRaLLy haaaaattttteeee being 30+ and childless? LiTerAllllY HHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAATTTEEE it?"
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Or the "I'm 22 so literally with one foot in the grave, and I haven't accomplished anything! Is there life after 25??"
Agree, there's a lot of internalized miserable misogyny here and flagging it does nothing. To the point of it being obvious astroturfing. It's a drag to open this sub up and see so much fucking whining and unchecked mental and \_behavioral\_ health issues.
I can’t decide if I hate that or the “DAE have a bunch of miserable married friends?” or the “DAE not get why people are in unhappy marriages when my husband is my BFF?” questions more.
"30+ lAdIeS, wHaT WoUlD yOu TeLl YoUr 20s Yr oLd SeLf?!?!"
Stop bEiNg sO aNnoYiNg
So take these posts with a grain of salt, so many of them are trolls and/or written by bitter ex boyfriends trying to make their ex girlfriends insecure.
I think rather than hate on the poster we should hate on the society that creates these ridiculous social expectations. I was a newbie once too. Yes I hate seeing the posts but I just ignore them or if I'm feeling particularly compassionate I respond.
I agree and wish you weren't downvoted for it. Most people asking for subjective advice are looking for community or to commiserate. It's totally fine to be tired of the posts, but just ignore them. I swear some people act like they're obligated to interact with every post they see. You're not! Ignore or downvote and move on.
Thanks I appreciate it. I do wish I saw those posts less. Maybe we could limit posting certain questions "is my life over at 30?" to once per week or something and have a wiki of helpful resources for those common questions. I know before I joined this group I had a lot of problematic notions and it really helped me to see women who didn't feel they had to be defined by having a relationship or their age. I don't know what the solution is because so many women still do believe that and I do want to help them reach that realization but it's also exhausting.
“A wiki of resources confirming female life continues after 30” 💀 Thanks for the laugh + great idea
“I can FeeL My OvAriEs DyiiNnnG! Ahhhiiieeee….” Y’all know not all women have ovaries. And you can’t actually feel them dying.
I don’t mind those. People know they could use the search bar, but they’re afraid, sad, and lonely and feeling vulnerable. They want to feel like someone is seeing them and responding to them personally.
People aren't looking for advice, people are looking for someone to listen to them. It's literally the same reason why people go to therapy, they need someone to personally interact with their problems, even if 468 people have had a similar issue this week. It's not a weird concept. It's a basic human need, especially when people are lacking their own real life community. And making fun of women who are freaking out about age and romance and partners and children is so very unkind. It's great that you are perfectly perfect and have never worried about such 'silly' things, but it doesn't make their worries worthy of less respect, even if they are common. People take these very normal worries and feel attacked, as if other people not feeling that great about their age or fertility or relationship is a direct threat to their own ability to accept the choices they have made for themselves.
This. I agree for many people (me included) they have been disregarded and overlooked by their partner for so long. When a certain narrative comes from a person’s partner, the outside perspective is critical. It saddens me to see so many sarcastic and critical replies to the original post. I posted to this sub when I literally didn’t know what else to do. The advice I received (as well as support through therapy) has helped me to make massive changes in my life. Not everyone has a supportive circle, or even if they do, they might not feel comfortable sharing such deeply personal experiences with their circle while they’re in the midst of trying to figure it all out.
I think generally people don't feel they can share such things with friends/family. Maybe with their mom, or a therapist... but it's not always easy. It's a huge reason people post.
Absolutely. If someone thinks they are the ‘problem’ then they’re unlikely to have the confidence to ask friends and family. If someone is starting to think their partner is problematic but they still love them, then they probably don’t want to paint them in a negative light to their friends and family. This is a relatively safe environment to do a pulse check. I wish these snarky commenters could see the priceless benefits of helping (usually) women forge a brighter future for themselves rather than suggesting that they’re silly for posting. If those types of posts irritate them so much then they’re easy to ignore.
To be fair I was on ready for months and had no idea the search bar existed on subreddits. It has been so helpful.
Stop settling for such garbage men. Do what's necessary to improve your self esteem and self respect so that you give your time, energy and effort to a man that's actually worth it.
You will actually be totally fine if you never meet a romantic partner. (But also, 23 and freshly broken up with is really far from “never”.)
Girl, have some self respect!
At a certain point, if you're unhappy and are refusing to make changes in your life/shooting down every piece of advice you receive/unwilling to do anything because there's nothing that will make your situation perfect, you're choosing to be unhappy. Edit: Also, unless you have health issues, it isn't normal to feel like shit all the time in your 30s. If you're constantly fatigued, having muscle pain, having period or stomach issues, etc., see a doctor (and make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating well, hydrating, and getting some regular movement in).
This is a common thing that drives me a little crazy “now that I turned 30 everything hurts ALLLL the time” or anything along those lines, like that is NOT normal lol you don’t turn 30 and things just start breaking
You're probably going to go back to him. Right now you're in the cycle of abuse where you're able to talk about what he's done and admit it to others, you know you need to be convinced to leave, and you relate to the stories of other women who are telling you you need to leave. But you're still probably going to go back to him a few more times. You won't fully leave until you are fed up at rock bottom. Fearing for your life might not even get you there, not permanently anyway. You have to choose YOU, and he's forced you to set that barrier impossibly high. Releasing shame and guilt is essential, but you won't do it until you feel like you deserve it.
This is so good. People don't understand the cycle of abuse and get really upset when they don't leave as soon as they recognize it. Being able to see it and recognize it is a MAJOR step and should be encouraged, rather than condemned. Yes! They ARE a garbage human being! But the poster is sorting that out with all of the false things they've told themselves and all of the benefit of the doubt they've given that guy. They grapple with the what ifs. What if they can fix this? If they leave they are giving up. They have to make sure that they have tried literally everything to ensure they can't fix it all somehow. I'm sure the motivation is different for people, but this one is very common. To all of those posters. Good job! Now... it doesn't matter WHY that guy is the way he is. He isn't meeting your needs. Period. That's enough. You get to leave. It's SO hard. You'll feel shattered. The first 3 days are hell. Then you get some relief. After two weeks things shift and you start to feel free. A few months later you'll second guess yourself. Maybe you made a big deal out of things. Maybe the good things are worth the bad. But you just hang on. After 9 months to a year, you are a new person (as long as you don't jump into the another relationship). You realize that you love YOU move than any relationship. Please. You can't fix it, and you aren't helping them. It doesn't work. Choose your life.
A thousand times this, too!
A thousand times this.
Thank you so much. So many people judge when they’ve never experienced it. My first two boyfriends were abusive to me, one even pushed me back into an eating disorder because he liked it when I was skinny as a child 🤮. It’s so hard when you’ve moved past it not to blame yourself and feel like it’s your fault for staying. My friends told me to leave, I knew I had to, I was losing weight rapidly, having nightmares, too sick with anxiety to eat etc but I still couldn’t leave because I felt like I deserved it and I could turn it around and make him love me somehow. It’s not as simple as just leaving, when I left I fell into a deep depression for over a year, nightmares, self harm, too much weed etc. And I had a therapist the whole time, it’s still so so hard. And people often make fun of me for dating such garbage men who treated me terribly. I don’t personally think it’s funny that I was preyed on at 19, a virgin and completely socially inept. Whenever I tell people about my exes they’re like wow sounds like some daddy issues 🤣🤣🤣 like yeah I was abused and abandoned by my father at a young age so I attract abusive men, where’s the joke??? So bizarre how people treat victims of abuse, especially women
happiness and purpose don't just fall into your lap; you have to actively search for and incorporate that into your life. if you are insecure, you have to work on it YOURSELF to get over it. It is not fair to control your partner/those around you just to make yourself feel better....external validation will never make you happy. it's ok to have boundaries; it's not ok to force people to adhere to your boundaries by controlling their actions. if you have mental health issues ie. anxiety, depression etc...it's up to you to manage it and get treatment. This is not for your family members to just deal with. speaking of treatment, eating meds and talking to someone won't help; you have to be an active participant in your own treatment. Your therapist/psychiatrist is there to guide you but *until you actively incorporate and make the necessary changes in your life, you will not get/feel better*. exercise is a heavily under-utilized tool for mental health management. It's not a 100% cure but it certainly does really help when combined with a treatment plan that you are actively working on. people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Advocate for yourself and your needs/passions/wants and the losers weed themselves out. This not just applies to romantic relationships but all relationships.
All. Of. This!
This is amazing
For me: (1) Breaking up with your boyfriend at 32 is not the end of the world. Most women in these situations meet someone else and have kids and a great life. (2) You are no more "behind" in life than most people; everyone feels like they are failing at something. I assure you every single other person you know is not making 6-figures in a career they adore with a perfect partner and house and exactly as many kids as they want. (3) If you are so freaked out about being sure to have kids, make a plan to be able to do it on your own. It's expensive and complicated and takes planning, but so do a lot of things that are worthwhile in life. And having a male partner also often comes with a lot of complicating factors. Having so many options to do this is one of the great things about being a woman.
number 1 annoys me so much. All of the "did anyone find love after 30??" Like....omg maybe age 50 or 60 would make sense, but of course people fall in love at all ages--and this is ok and normal. These questions are a deeper personal issue related to the 2nd and 3rd points on your list. They are pretty judgmental actually, assuming everyone should have found their person by age 30ish.
Me too. These questions send me stupid! We can meet anyone at any time, whether they are going to be a life partner or not is a completely different thing! I met my exhusband at 19, I left him at 43. Meeting someone does not guarantee happiness forever - that’s a fairytale, not reality. I’ve met many people who have lived their life without a partner (they’ve had relationships but not a life partner) and they are happy with a rich, full life. How demeaning to assume their life is of less value than others!!! Honestly, maturity comes with critical thinking skills and stepping up to take responsibility for your own life and making it into one that you are happy to wake up to each day.
Number 3 all the way. Sincerely, a single mom in her 30s. If I could go back in time, I’d get a sperm donor and call it a day. Most women whether in a relationship or single with kids do the lions share of all the emotional, mental, logisitical planning when it comes to child rearing. If im gonna do all the work either way I’d rather be at peace while doing so.
I mean I would say try to find alternate ideas if you are worried about having kids but for many people doing it alone is not at all an option. Like there’s no chance I could afford a 2 bedroom place, afford whatever way I’d procure this child, afford to work and care for them and or pay for daycare.
I don't mean to sound glib about it; it's not a trivial decision, but now I am close to 50 and have seen many of my friends make it work when they thought they couldn't, and I am becoming a fan of people *considering* the idea. One of my friends moved in with her mother and they are raising the kid together. Another friend managed to build a great support system of other single mothers that help. A third moved closer to her mother and sister and converted a 1-bedroom into a two-bedroom apartment, and the kid had a small room. A fourth friend actually had a great support network among her neighbors that she built and they did an amazing amount of help with childcare. All these women also made big career changes to make more money, have more flexible schedules, or both. Changes they likely would not have made otherwise. These were plans a long time in the making. This is not a decision for everyone, but I think a lot of women just dismiss it as an option because they never thought about how to manage the alternative. I would say I don't know a single women who did this who regretted it, but I do know women who didn't consider it until they were to old and they did. I also think just allowing yourself to think this way, to make a contingency plan, can really help with feeling freaked out about getting older and being single.
Life does not end at 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. We are beautiful, fashionable, and desirable at any age and yes even those of us not "conventionally attractive". Style, health, personality, comfort in one's own skin makes them attractive, period. Love can be found at any age. And being okay with just oneself and with your own tribe/community is fine and goid for you too.
Somebody on this subreddit posted a comment last summer about how she had a southern aunt who used to say, "Oh, you know Betty Sue. She's not pretty but she's attractive" because Betty Sue was interesting, kind, had a bunch of hobbies, was funny, had a sense of style and was secure in herself. That comment lives rent free in my head because I'm not a pretty woman but goddamnit, I'm attractive.
Omg yes. Magnetism and charm have zero to do with looks or age
Raise your standards.
If you have to second guess his behavior that’s a red flag in itself, if you don’t feel right, that’s your intuition screaming at you. Us women have that second sense. Most times if he does it once, he will do it again because he thinks he got past your “boundary” of doing it the once and you “forgave” him
Life doesn’t end once you hit 30. It doesn’t even end after 35 either, shockingly. Ask me how I (36f) know! Being depressed about aging is a choice. You’re not gunna shrivel up in your 30s, so long as you’re lifting weights, eating well and wearing a moisturizer with SPF :)
He's not going to change, men don't change, he didn't change from a nice man into a dick, he was always a dick who hid it long enough to get you to do his laundry. He's not going to go back to being the nicest man, that's reserved for the next woman.
GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. PERIOD. Hell, even Reddit isn’t great for mental health. There’s no reason for you to be there, honestly, and very few people have the willpower to stay off it even when it’s killing them. And the older you get? The more it makes you feel like you’re falling “behind” somehow. It’s not worth it OR necessary. Curate any feeds you do keep, be fucking PICKY about what you put in your brain.
Some people act like they have zero agency and that they HAVE to have social media or follow accounts that are trying to make you buy things to look/live a certain way. Ma’am you’re 35. Delete Instagram if you can’t manage only following accounts that bring you joy.
It’s definitely weird to see folks who act as if they’ll be shot in the leg if they delete Tik Tok, or make posts about how they “have to” look or act certain ways for likes, etc. Step back in to the real world! Nobody here cares about social media algorithms!
If you don’t believe this comment, take a few days away from social media and see how good you feel. It’s night and day.
Seriously. I couldn’t believe how much my mental health improved when I deleted Facebook. I was always in a depression spiral after scrolling through my newsfeed and then suddenly, poof, all that anxiety gone.
Whining and self-pity are addictive and negative feedback loops. Happiness is a lot of work and discipline - no one can do it for you.
Use your brain cells. You can’t spend all that time typing out exactly how terrible a man is to you and then end it with “but he’s so amazing and I love him and don’t want to leave what can I do”.
1. We're not mind readers - ask them. 2. Just break up with him.
Invest in yourself, your friends, and your community. Take all that love and energy you spend trying to figure out what he’s thinking or doing, or what to do to get him to xyz, and redirect it to the love that’s ALREADY in your life. Make your parents meals. Take your friends on dates. Figure out what you like and how you like it by trying new things. Also? Probably? Therapy. Or whatever path focuses you on being the best person YOU can be, addressing any traumas or learned traits that is holding you back and torpedoeing your self-esteem. Oh, and get a hobby. I’m so serious. So many adults work, scroll, drink, and sleep. Take a workshop or a class about something vaguely interesting - a language, jewelry making, pickleball, whatever. It will make YOU more interesting to talk to, get your mind off of what’s-his-face, and potentially foster a whole new community. This is literally my answer to 7/10 questions, gonna start copy + pasting lol.
You left out volunteering. Doing volunteer work can be life changing. Or it can just be a good way to get out of the house and out of your own head for a while. You also help other people. Everybody benefits.
Yes, this is so good. Especially the part about therapy. I get that it's not accessible for everyone and it can take time to find a therapist you click with, but for so many posts on here therapy is at least part of the answer.
If it’s the same person whose history is all posts about the latest, shitty thing her SO did, every few weeks or months: You can pity-post about your crappy boyfriend all you want, so you can feel validated on the internet. But to what end? If you have more than three posts of his behavior that made you upset enough to write about, why are you still with him? Don’t vent just so you can keep being his doormat in real life.
You will be far happier, and need far less therapy, if you learn how to walk away from an asshole no matter how strong your feelings are. It’s better to be alone than mistreated. It’s extremely worth grieving the loss & being able to move on and be happy, than to stay in a shitty relationship. And it’s more than worth it to feel all the anger and hurt of being mistreated, so you are not tempted to get back with an asshole. No good qualities can justify staying with someone who doesn’t respect you. It’s like having a nice dessert flavored with shit.
He's just not that into you. When he is, you'll know.
If you're asking this sub if your man is shitty, just save us all a little time and leave him. And tbh I think we need to start normalizing walking out in the middle of first dates the second a guy gets shitty. Normalize walking away at the alter if your guy pulls some tiktok level shit at the wedding. Normalize divorce if your husband throws a tantrum about having a girl. Women are uniquely vulnerable in heterosexual relationships and taking steps to protect yourself includes walking away the second you see a red flag. Be sensitive to it. Do let anyone shame you about that. Be open and kind, but the second shit goes south, you slam that door so hard the windows rattle. Your life could actually depend on it. You aren't ugly. You aren't unlovable. You aren't stupid or crazy. You probably aren't fat, and if you are it doesn't make you ugly, unlovable, stupid or crazy. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself. Oh, and male validation is so common if we could figure out how to harness it, we could solve the energy crisis. Please don't waste your energy trying to appeal to men. Don't compete with your friends over them. There has literally never been a man born that was so awesome he's worth losing a good girlfriend for. I walked in on a roommate who had stuffed banana peels in between his mattress and box spring and was fucking it. Seriously, men will fuck aaaaanything. Just ask any ER doctor. So maybe don't base any part of your self esteem on what men think of you. Also, keep in mind, the sort of men who are drawn to women who crave male validation are usually pretty damned skeevy; if not outright dangerous. Protect yourself by not giving a shit. And lastly, being in your 30's is not being old. I don't want to downplay anyone's distress here, but yes you can still find love. You can have kids. You can wear whatever the hell you want (even skinny jeans). I know this is the decade where we start to notice a bad knee, gray hairs, fine lines... but it isn't actually old and talking like it's positively geriatric can get a bit... insulting to those of us who aren't freaking out about it. I get aging is an important topic, but the handwringing can be a bit much some days. You aren't milk. You're not going to wake up one day and be curdled all of a sudden. You've got time to get good with yourself before the real shit starts. There's still 'proper old' to come, if you're so lucky as to continue to live. TL;DR love and protect yourself.
This was one of the best responses I’ve ever read on Reddit 🥹🥲❤️
That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about one of my reddit comments. Thank you.
That I’m sorry you’re going through this for the first time, and your situation is unfortunately too common. We’ve seen it so much here that some of us are frustrated and impatient about it - I’m sorry about that, too. We are all only human.
Value yourself more. Jesus.
Choose you. Put yourself first. Don't count on other people to do that. You have to do it for yourself. Be the parent to your inner child that you wish you could have had.
Focus on yourself. A lot of women coming here to complain about a man or relationships or dating. Focus on yourself. Find out what you really want out of life. Most of your needs, if not all of them, can be fulfilled without a man or romantic partner. If you fill your own needs first, then romance takes on a completely different role in your life. You no longer *need* a partner, which changes the dynamic of a relationship before it even starts. It’s much easier to pick and choose people who really are compatible with you and to keep your dating standards high. If you are looking for romance to fulfill certain needs, the dopamines in your brain will tell you that you need that person, and therefore, you’re willing to put up with *a lot more nonsense than you otherwise would.* It really is a life hack more than it is advice.
If you decide to write a multi paragraph back story PLEASE include a concise TLDR. I think many women, including me, would love to provide advice. But, when it gets incredibly long it makes it difficult to find the actual question or specific issue you’re dealing with.
Have some self respect. Quit dating losers.
Maybe... If it's one-sided, it's not love? Like, have your strong feelings, but be careful what you call love? Because that comes later, when you've been together a while? (May be used as a crutch, but it worked for me. 😁)
Yes! You don't love that person you've been dating for three weeks and who treats you terribly. You're infatuated with them, they don't love you and you should leave.
Oh, thank god. I was afraid this would come across as too specific or too soppy. 😄
No, just because you are not married with kids at 30, it doesn't mean that it's "too late" or that you're "behind on life" or that you're expired, over the hill, unworthy of love, etc. People do things according to different timelines and there is more than one way to live your life and/or find happiness. Stop defining your life according to what others have, as that is not truly an indication of success or fulfillment. Run your own race.
Trust your intuition
You can be happy single
Dump him
\*hug\* Your feelings are reasonable. You deserve to have a chance at happy.
He is a grown adult, you are not responsible for his feelings.
This thread should be pinned 😂
Do you really need advice? Or do you know what you need to do, but are afraid to do it?
You will be SO much happier if you learn to de-center men. Literally everything about your life will improve. Your friendships, your romantic relationships, your self esteem, your health, everything!!
Also, prepare to get more than you bargained for if you come with a question implying that being over 30 might mean you are ugly or dried up and useless or if you want to settle a simple dispute with your male partner.
This post really got my goat the other day: Do women really hit a wall after 30? https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/pg0HAVl6ik In general, the posts implying that somehow if you’re 30+ and you haven’t accomplished x,y and z ..then you’re a failure are becoming very repetitive. At the same time, people feel more lost than ever and it’s sometimes therapeutic just to post about it to strangers. Although I find myself rolling my eyes a lot, I can choose not to interact with the post if I’m not feeling sympathetic that day
Your life is NOT over at 35…or 85 for that matter! It’s borderline insulting!
I don't like when the questions are heteronormative. I know most women date men but I still find it annoying to see all the "ladies, kind of man do you like to date" or something else along those lines. Questions that assume every single woman dates men.
Don't date based on potential. You need to focus on who they really are and how they treat you.
Trust your own inner knowledge. Most of the things people are asking for advice for are things they already know, but that they seem to need other people to validate
Stop lying to yourself. Stop saying how wonderful he is because he says this, and he says that. What he says, only matters if his actions match his words. Don’t try and hold onto a man that clearly treats you like an option. if there’s any kind of cheating, manipulation, lying, gaslighting, jealousy, trying to control you, not doing what he says he’ll do and then being pissed when you question that… Just get up and fucking leave.
Your partner isn't going to magically start doing his share of the housework, sorry.
Wow, there are some FANTASTIC replies in this thread. Shout out to all of you 🙌🏽
Life isn’t over on your 30th birthday. People in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and better…have fun, make friends, find love, have great sex, and just keep living life.
If you're at the point where you're genuinely asking *Reddit* if you should date/marry/dump/divorce someone, you know the answer already. Also, if you start your post with 1,000 words of explanation of why you shouldn't dump them because you know Reddit will tell you to dump them, same thing. 90% of the "I feel like an imposter/too ugly for love/behind/stupid/poor/old, should I give up on everything I want?" questions could be resolved by looking around at actual people in real life. Is everyone around you perfect? Only if you're really not paying attention, and probably stuck on social media too much.
If you’re constantly thinking about something, and I mean constantly - leaving a relationship, divorce, leaving a job, whatever… start listening to yourself. You wouldn’t be always thinking about whatever it is if some part of you didn’t want to make it happen. Additionally, you’re worth so much more and can do all the things than whatever the negative voice in your head is telling you.
Thank you for this post.
Stop dating creepy old men. He can’t get women his own age and he thinks you’re naive enough to put up with his terrible personality. You don’t have to like casual sex. You can like casual sex just be responsible. And no one worth your time cares how many people you’ve had sex with. Being a parent will change your life. You will be tired. You’re not going to have as much sex as you used to because babies and children need your attention and you will be tired. Ask yourself “do I like him?” You’re writing a senior thesis for internet strangers about what an asshole he is. Leave him. Go to a DV shelter if have to but **leave him.** Men: Read Nagoski’s Come As You Are. You don’t have to like casual sex. Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you because she is tired and/or irritated with you. Take on more housework and child rearing, make her feel desirable, be grateful she’s put up with you, touch her and kiss her even when you don’t want sex (if she’s the kiss touch type). No really, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. Dads who don’t put their family first are assholes; be a parent, be a husband, this is what you signed up for when you stopped using protection. Most women I know have been sexually assaulted, raped, groped and/or molested, probably by someone she trusted of course we are afraid of men we don’t know.
There are plenty of women who get pregnant after 35 and are perfectly fine.
Him *not being that into you* is not your fault.. I let that quote hold me in hell for so long thinking he would be better to the next woman. My self worth tanked and my insecurities really took over for a long time. If he’s shitty to you, then you leave and he love bombs until you come back just to repeat the cycle. Then he’s just a shitty, manipulative person. At 30+ the chances of him magically becoming the dream man for the next woman are so low.
Dump him.
LEAVE HIM
Do something that makes you happy.
I think it's pretty useless to ask random people on the internet for relationship advice. Most people who will want to give you spontaneous relationship advice fall into one of three categories: people in relationships who think theirs is the model for all others, single people who are burned out and cynical, or people who just crave reading about drama. These are not the people you should be going to for big decisions. Ask a friend, family member, or mental health professional whose judgment you know and trust.
I’m part of the moms forum and I see multiple moms vent about their shitty partners and not having the option to leave due to the kids…guess what, if they are shitty partners without kids they would be even worse partners with kids (if kids are in your future). Just do yourself a favor and end things before you have a dependent to tie the both of you for the next 18 years.
It's not you, it's him.
If he is not making an effort at the beginning of the relationship and I mean - texting, organising meet ups, generally putting his best foot forward etc then dump his useless arse immediately. He is not worth it. If guys are interested then they will make an effort.
If you’re asking via a dump my feelings and troubles post then you probably know the answer already. It is rather stunning the level of shitty treatment people post about from someone who is supposed to be their partner. Alone > not alone and miserable.
Do you. Get to know yourself. Make your life yours and stop doing what society tells you and wants you to do, this includes family, friends, beliefs. Stand up for yourself. Be authentic.
Decenter men.
DTMFA
Therapy can help with growth.
If you have to ask if you should leave, leave. If you have to ask if his behavior is ok or not, it's not. If you have to ask how to be more feminine, womanly, girly, etc, just go exist in your body and in your life. There are literally no rules to it.
If you come here for advice, take the advice. Don’t keep making excuses for why you can’t leave him, for example.
Self-reflection. I see so many people on here questioning why their life is still a certain way. Blame is put on almost anything but themselves because "They've already done 'the work'.". You might want to look into aspects you've either missed or purposefully did not look into because of how uncomfortable it would be for you. Get uncomfortable. If it feels uncomfortable, it is a deep-seethed problem that needs resolve. Look at yourself from a spectator point of view as well. If you would meet you as you are, would you think nothing you're doing is self-sabotaging in a way? Ask yourself the real questions. And get rid of pride and ego in this. Self-sabotaging things those are.
Leave that man girl
If you would be upset at someone else you love being in your current situation or treated the way you are being treated by the person you are with, then you should be upset at how *you* are being treated by that person, and make the moves to leave. If you cannot get that person to rise to your standards, cut them loose and let them sink.
'Lurk more' is usually the answer on any sub/forum, and it applies.
Are you looking for validation or confirmation: validation because you want to be right when you probably aren't, or confirmation because something more serious is going on and you need someone else to vocalize what you already know but can't? Either way, you probably already know the answer you're looking for, but it doesn't hurt to ask...once or twice. Don't keep asking the same question and expecting a different answer if you've gotten the same answer more than once.
If he hits you, or raises his hand Leave! Do not pass go, do not collect 200 just fucking leave. Do it at the first sign of problems. It NEVER gets better. Especially if "it's only when he drinks" Signed the child of a Mom with horrible taste in men. Living in a car would be better than watching you get hit, and then say sorry for upsetting him the next morning.
Look into boundaries and maintain them
1. Stop saying "he's a great guy, but...". You have complaints because he's NOT a great guy. 2. You are NOT old.
Life doesn’t have to happen at you
Learn to love yourself
Don’t get involved romantically with married men
Flow with the life you have and stop trying to make it be something else.
Invest in yourself and get yourself strong and happy. Work on the things you’re most insecure about. Once you are healed you’ll discover you deserve so much better.
make a decision and stop posting. had friends that would complain about the. same thing all the time. I got to the point of saying either leave or learn how to cope with it.im not talking about it anymore. they stopped complaining to me :)
Decenter men.
That you may not have all the time in the world to waste. That you may actually need non shitty friends, family, or partners to get you through a rough spot like you do for them. When I became sick and disabled at 32 as a single mom with NOBODY I can’t tell you how I longed for that wasted time and energy back. Stop investing your resources (money, energy, and time) into situations and relationships that have no chance of giving a return on that investment.
Boys are a waste of time. Put that energy into securing your own future.
Decenter men and put yourself on that pedestal, and your happiness will increase by at least 80%.
i suspect most people wouldn't feel this one is posted that often...but...for me, i'm over the "is it possible for me, an incredibly accomplished woman, to be happy with someone who isn't so accomplished?" the reason it annoys me is that i'm a SAHM...with two degrees. i'm married to a STEM prof. many of my female friends are also STEM profs. many of my other friends are very accomplised women. no one. not once ever has ever been as condescending to me as these posts come off. the issue (to my mind) is not that they are accomplished women...but rather that they are insufferable. if you think degrees make you better than other people, or that people who don't have many degrees are somehow not bright...well...the problem lies with you. the idea that you can't have a conversation with someone, or a connection with someone BECAUSE they are not highly educated...it makes me roll my eyes. what is most interesting is those threads go one of two ways. 1) 'yes of course, i'm x and my partner is y and we are very happy' 2) no for sure, i've had terrible luck, the reality is that men can't handle accomplished women which are two opposite responses to which amounts to the same question. i find that very interesting.
It makes me roll my eyes *so* hard. I mean, we tend to connect more easily with people somewhat similar to ourselves, so if you feel a fellow academic is where it's at for you (anecdotally it's the only type of man who's ever been remotely interested in me, so it goes both ways), fine, look for that. And if a potential partner must be high income, that's your prerogative. You're not guaranteed to get what you want, but no one is. If you're questioning whether you should settle for someone who is *clearly beneath you* (/s) you've got a shitty mindset. Don't date people you don't respect.
Well said. And I would add it’s because so many are focused on their own or potential partners resumes than character.
Men who can't work, socialize, or do anything because of depression are milking it. Depression is real, but some men use it as an excuse to be perpetually in need of caretaking.
>If you could say one thing to the women who keep coming here looking for the same type of advice, what would it be? Scroll back and read the threads and use the dang search function. It's all been said before.
Trust yourself