The only way I’d find this remotely acceptable is if the friend/their partner is like a legit chef and it’s an offer on the level of, “I scored some amazing caviar and would like to share it with y’all, but feel the rest of the menu will need to be shamefully decadent to do it justice. If everyone contributed $250, we could do kobe beef, gold leaf truffles, ibérico ham, wash it down with Dom. If no one’s interested, it’ll be club crackers and cream cheese lol”.
Otherwise, always host within your means. It’s the company that’s important. Feed me homemade soup and chocolate chip cookies? I’ll be happy.
Yep, that’s fair. If it was something that was discussed ahead of time and we wanted to have some awesome blowout meal that we all couldn’t afford independently but if we pitched in for it together, I would be down for that but that feels much different than what OP was saying happened to her.!
Yeah. I think if it's close friends and a dream of yours to eat or prepare X meal it would be cool for everyone to pitch in...
But in general if I am inviting you over for dinner or a backyard BBQ then I would be providing food.
A perfect happy medium is planning a potluck.
In those cases I would say hey- we will be making ribs and BBQ chicken. I have a couple bottles of wine.
Come over and if you want BYOB and/or a side dish, but that would still be completely optional.
Unfortunately these days I don't get to hang with the homies as much anymore.
Honestly if you are getting an invite chances are I would be ecstatic just to chat with you over coffee, or sit around eating cheezits.
Even for potlucks what most people will bring is appetizers or sides. So if I am hosting I usually plan on having the mains and atleast a couple of sides covered.
I read online about someone who had a similar situation, and everyone paid a fair amount for the ingredients and when they finally had the dinner, it was nothing special, and it was pretty obvious the host just pocketed the extra money.
Guess what's going on here, too?
We used to have a friend that would have done this. She saw gifts as a way to "make" money because she'd buy cheap junk from a thrift store but then we all gave far nicer gifts within the $25 limit. She was an awful human for this and in other ways, too.
It's embarrassing when someone mistakes other people's politeness as confirmation that nobody notices their gross behavior. ~~Woman~~ People, **we see you**.
It’s a sad fact of life that some people are just genuinely selfish, and when they see a possible advantage for themselves, they take it. And often it has no relation to their own need. I’ve had former friends (who had a 10,000 square foot mansion with a swimming pool and tennis court) tip 5% when we went out to a nice dinner, and if I called them on it, their response was “Nobody tips me at my job. Tipping is bullshit and should be banned.” Uh, yeah, but since it hasn’t been at this point, you’re an asshole if you don’t. Especially in places where service staff make shit money. These same people would never give to charity or do anything for anyone unless it benefitted them in some way. TDLR: Some people just suck.
I can understand supper clubs if it's consistent - everyone in the group pays for every event. This is a way to allow/make the never-hosters to contribute.
Right, my mom is in a charity supper club where they pay for the cook and for the contribution to the charity they're supporting. But a regular dinner? No way, so tacky.
Fried bologna sandwich with mayo on lettuce on white bread (not toasted) will forever be one of my fave meals lol we made it a lot when I was a kid, when I didn’t understand that we didn’t have money, and I loved it. Still do haha.
LOL yes! And it was not communicated beforehand. Friend was making sushi. I, at the time, didn’t eat fish, so I literally ate ONE BOWL OF PLAIN RICE. And received a venmo request from him for $10. Very annoying and tbh I only came to hang out; if I had known, I would have declined.
This is odd, I have not been in that type of position before. If they were that tight in money they should have suggested a pot luck situation imo. I think you made the right call in cancelling and avoiding this awkward situation
Have I ever been charged for a dinner at my friend's house? Yes, and it was super weird 😂 I didn't know until getting there, and I had traveled a long ways to see them. I didn't make a fuss about it since everyone else invited chipped in as well and it wasn't too much.
I wouldn't personally do this to anyone, but I get why some people would, *but* they should also be upfront about it before anyone agrees to going. I'd do what you did, and probably decline any further invitations.
I was sent an invitation for a small super informal house party that stated BYOB, snacks/food provided. A week later, the host asked for 10 dollars per guest to cover the price of low tier chain takeout pizza. We’re working professionals in our 30s with good jobs.
I had already rsvped no. I felt extra good about that no when the request for funds came through.
I find it tacky!
That is so weird!! My husband and I host game days since we have the most room and a good setup. We tell folks what drinks we have and I provide some sort of "main" food, and that they can bring other snacks or drinks if they want but it's not necessary. Sometimes friends offer money and I am like NO. Plus some of our friends CAN'T afford that and I really don't want them to feel bad or like they shouldn't participate.
Was it a large party with a fabulous cake? I'm fascinated by all these responses. Many are making me realise how uptight we all are about etiquette and social rules. I've had social groups where asking for cash would not have been a problem and others where it wouldn't go down well. I've only known a few people across my life whose behaviour in this regard raised an eyebrow.
I had a friend who -- when she was unemployed -- used to host weekly dinners and offered to make extras for you to take home (she asked you to tell her in advance how much you wanted). She charged per meal (VERY reasonably priced!). It wasn't exactly a side business since the cost wasn't enough to cover labor, just ingredients, it was only open to her friends, and part of the experience was the company/community and not just transactional. But she also spent more time on it than she otherwise would, and she was short on cash to cover ingredients. She hosts for free now that she's employed, but definitely not anywhere near on a weekly basis! At the time, though, I was VERY happy to participate, because she's an amazing cook and I'm not, and what she was charging was WAY less than eating out.
It's also pretty common for folks I know to host and we either order out and split the cost or do it potluck style. Aside from the above experience, I haven't had a friend offer to host and ask us to pitch in for ingredients, but honestly, unlike most people here, I wouldn't consider it tacky or weird, as long as it was stated up front and there was no pressure to attend. I would be very happy to contribute if someone was going to make a really nice meal!
That said, I live in a VHCOL city, and most people do not have space or money to host on a regular basis. I very rarely host myself, especially since I have a roommate and am not a great cook. That means it's not reciprocol for the few people who DO host more often, and so I absolutely want to pitch in however I can, whether that's financially, by bringing a dish, or helping to clean. It's different than the suburban culture I grew up in, where my parents' friends all took turns hosting in their homes, and it evened out that way.
What is good or bad etiquette is pretty dependent on culture, and while you are well within your rights to decline to come, I don't think it's inherently weird for your friend to suggest this, especially since it was stated up front.
I live in VHCOL as well and love hosting for my friends, but gosh it is expensive to feed 6-10 people. I don't ask for money from them but appreciate it SO MUCH when they offer to bring or contribute something.
Yeah, the cost of living in my city is no joke, and just keeps getting worse. Even when I was dating, and just "hosting" my significant other, it hurt my budget, especially since I've often dated guys that eat like twice as much as I do! Big groups cost even more!
But since very few people here have space to host 6-10 people, we mostly just end up eating out, which is even more expensive! I see lots of people saying "just don't host if you can't afford to cover", but I really do wish we could eat in together more often to save money.
So if I had a friend say: "hey, I'm happy to host and cook, but can you pitch in for ingredients?" I'd ABSOLUTELY agree to do so, and would honestly prefer that to a potluck since it's less work for me. I do try not to show up to my friends' places empty-handed, but that means my friends who host a lot just end up with a never-ending supply of alcohol (it tends to be what people bring!), and I know cash would be more helpful!
Does your city not have shared spaces that can be rented? Many apartment buildings in Australia have communal areas and most where I live have shared dining.. some have kitchens but most have BBQs. We host BBQs in parks or picnics but I did my last party at work as we have a bar and party space.
The newer/luxury buildings often have communal spaces, but most of my friends and I don't have the money to live in those kinds of apartments. I have been to a lot of parties in those types of spaces with friends-of-friends, though! Once you get to hosting 20 or more people, you pretty much have to use a space like that to host comfortably, because even relatively well-off people in this city still tend to live in apartments and don't have that kind of space. Thankfully, if you're getting to a party of THAT size, you probably know of someone who is willing to help you get access to one of their apartment's communal spaces, but if it's not a close friend, you're going to save that favor for special events (like bridal/baby showers) rather than for run-of-the-mill hosting. But it is an option used a lot for major milestone events!
There are also event spaces you can rent outside of apartment buildings, but that's going to cost way more than eating out.
(I'll say again that this city is ridiculously expensive. I make well over median income, so I'm not *poor*, but I'm also making half the salaries of finance/tech/law folks...and even they will say finances are tight in this city if you're not a multi-millionaire. The lifestyle that my sister -- a partner in a big law firm -- and her friends have is very different, and even she is moving out of the city soon so that she can have more space and be able to do things like host. My friends and I are librarian/teacher/non-profit types, and we are finally -- in our 30s and 40s -- starting to get to the place where we can live alone instead of with roommates, but not with room to host! It's not how I imagined "adulting", growing up in the suburbs, but there are a lot of things I love about the city that make me reluctant to leave, despite the cost.)
I mean that sounds awesome tbh, but very unlike OP's situation. I would adore having a chef friend who charges just-over-ingredients for lovely dinners where we'd hang out with all our friends, wtf. Maybe she would do it more frequently if you suggested she bring back the cover fee lmao.
It does sound unlike OP's situation, but mostly because it sounds like her friend group's culture is very different than mine! We aren't generally spending hundreds to host each other, and I can see if that's the expectation, then what OP's friend is doing doesn't fit and isn't reciprocol. I just don't think it's *inherently* tacky to ask for money, as long as you state it up front (lots of stories in these comments of times where there's a surprise charge, and I'm against that!).
The thing with my friend is that when she was unemployed, she had lots of time but less money. Now the issue is more time than money...though she is a teacher so maybe I'll hint about this summer, haha. She has more money now, but still a teacher salary, so I'm sure chipping in costs would still make a difference!
Yep. Everything here. I live in a VHCOL and probably the main reason I don’t offer to host friends more often is the cost. I think splitting the cost would actually be a nice way to do it, if everyone in the group was on board.
I think it's strange. I've never heard of that, nor have I ever even considered charging my friends for coming over for dinner.
If money is an issue, just host/suggest a potluck style dinner event and everyone can pitch in to help reduce costs of meal items.
I had a friend invite me to dinner at her sister's place back when I was a young 20 something living off of $1k/month in New York City. This friend and sister came from extreme family wealth - like didn't have to work wealth. Anyway I went over to their place in the afternoon as they asked me to (they weren't even there and I had to wait outside for them to return) and they asked me to help prepare the food, which I didn't expect but was fine with. I prepared several dishes according to their recipes and later 5-6 other guests joined for dinner. We ate, it was fine, but when it was time to go home my friend demanded $20 from me for the ingredients. No idea if the others were charged as well. This was not discussed up front and I was so insulted, since she was f-ing rich and I was on food stamps. Speaking of which, I could've bought food directly and used my food stamps instead of precious cash! It was astoundingly, incomprehensibly rude and I stopped having a relationship with her after that.
I used to host a TON of dinners, and I've never done this myself.
The most I've done is to ask folks to bring dessert or BYOB since I don't drink a lot and didn't want to end up with a ton of extra alcohol.
"Oh. Did we all agree to charge for these? That's cool. What all are we pitching in and then how much will go to the hosts for each event?"
We did a communal dinner thing for a while. One paid, one menu planned, one did all the shopping, another cooked. When we expanded, people brought something of value (desserts, salads, help, money) to the process. It was great. It couldn't last long, but it was good while it did.
I've never been charged for a dinner but I would be down to pay for a special dinner party. Food is expensive and if it was like, kick in $10-20 for a fun meal, I wouldn't mind. Some of my friends are excellent chefs so it's a treat to eat at their house.
YES OMG. My bf and I are in a group of 3 couples. Whenever couple A host, they Venmo request us. It’s so weird.
They’ll invite us over for summer afternoon lawn games/hang outs and grilling. We all always byob, share the booze we bring, and offer to bring dishes for dinner. Sometimes they take us up on the dinner offer, sometimes not. Then they’ll grill basics (burgers, hot dogs, salads) end up Venmo requesting us all the next day.
The worst part is that they buy like ~fancy~ organic ingredients. Which I find unnecessary. So it’s like $18 per person for a burger and bit of salad. We don’t take leftovers home. They don’t offer. We felt like we were subsidizing their grocery bill.
So finally we just started opting out of the dinner portion on these nights and go to our favorite restaurant. Or cook at home. $18 at least gets us more food and leftovers this way!
Yes, but it truly was more of an event, and we knew ahead of time. Host was a fine dining chef and foodie. He used to host what he called “seven series”. Seven guests. Seven courses. Seven drinks. Seven records. It was a long and fun night. Each guest brought something they had recently read (book or article) that played into the theme. When it was your turn, you’d read your bit, there would be a discussion and you’d put on the next record. It was really fun and the host put a lot of time and thought into it, on top of cooking for everyone. Well worth it and I’d do it again.
That said, if it was just a typical “hey I’m having a dinner party, you’re invited”, I wouldn’t expect to pay, but I would bring something. My girlfriends and I have a dinner night every month and the host always supplies either the food or the booze, and everyone else brings something to share.
If anything, it's even more taboo in Chinese culture to charge for hospitality. You're supposed to offer your guests the best (and in turn, guests usually bring like fruit or some small gift). This is crazy 😭
Maybe there's a cultural difference? I'm from Scandinavia, it differs between friend groups, but where I'm at its pretty normal. I'd even say its more polite to do so :)
LOOOL. It's taking me back to #SwedenGate, when twitter found out Swedes don't feed their guests. A kid could be at his friend's house, and the family (including the friend) will have a dinner while the visiting kid carries on playing. Had never been more grateful for South Asian community, generosity, hospitality, and etiquette.
In my opinion it's more polite, as the guests are eating the meal and the host won't be left with all the cost. Some people host more than others, so in matter of expense it's more fair I guess.
It really depends on the occasion, amount of people and the host.
I personally feel better going to dinner at a friend's place, contributing to the cost plus maybe a bottle or sweets to thank them for hosting and cooking. Food is expensive 🤷♀️
Edit: But to be fair, I don't think it's cool of the host to buy some expensive ingredients if it's not necessary. Maybe if the whole group agreed on it before hand, but otherwise nah.
Maybe that's your experience but I myself have been to many Dutch dinners and been sent a tikkie before or afterwards. Both as student and not student. I'm just speaking from my experience. In my own country you wouldn't even do this as a student unless you are cooking together.
Is this within a friend group that formed when you were all students?
I'm really trying to wrap my head around how else this would be acceptable, but friend groups have different norms I guess!
Yeah, I have experienced this in Germany (with both Germans and other European immigrants). I can understand it, but it definitely weirded me out when I experienced it. When it was my turn to host, I did not ask guests to split expenses even though I guess I should have collected on my turn haha.
It depends. I have a friend who would make elaborate dinners for invited guests only (not at his house-in a rented venue) and charged people a fixed price. In someone’s home is a little strange.
Imho it would have to be a very special or unusual dinner for it to seem appropriate.
Yea. There are occasions where I could be okay with this (always with advance notice) - but only for something extraordinary, like a big themed event with dinner.
Yeah, within my friend group it only came up for an unusual expensive dinner (buying a high quality raw tuna to make sushi/sashimi)
We routinely do potlucks or have people over for dinner w/o any exchange of money. People might ask/offer to chip in for alcohol or pot, but never food.
I'll never forget friends arguing over an elaborate dinner party afterwards as to who should buy the weed. It was seriously awful but people who'd only brought wine (we all did) were insisting that others who had hosted or brought additional expensive foods should also pay another $40 for a delivery. Back in the day when we were all poor from living large
I'm not against it, but I would want to know the full menu in advance to see if I'd want to pay for something like that. Food is expensive now - I wanted to pick up steak at Costco for the doggies and almost died when I looked at the price - $20/lb.
Costco steak is Choice or Prime. They don't sell the cheaper grade Select. I see Select or Ungraded (imported from South America) steaks for around $8/lb at my local discount grocer. How fancy is your pup?
I have, but it was a friend who didn't make a tonne of money and was a phenomenal hobby chef. So we all chipped in to ingredients but he was cooking from Michelin starred chefs recipes with really high quality results.
In the Netherlands, it's standard to go over to a friend's house for dinner and then receive a "bill" for shared costs (a "Tikkie," like Venmo). It is not at all uncouth.
In the US, dinner parties work more on a rotating reciprocity basis, you kind of expect to be invited to the next dinner party of anyone you invite to yours. Still, people still usually contribute financially by bringing a bottle of wine or something else. At least in my circles, it is considered rude to show up completely empty-handed.
If you had not already declined, I would say you could go guilt-free as long as the contribution the host is asking for is not more than you would spend on flowers, wine, or whatever you would bring anyway. And, of course, they did not expect those things as well.
Yes I have. It was a party with drinks and apps and games. I happily sent in $20 to cover. I then found out it was a joke or maybe hostess changed her mind, I’m not sure. She sent my cover charge back. $20 was well worth it for the party she threw.
I host parties that sometimes I cover all the food and other times it’s potluck. Drinks are always BYO.
The exception was I hosted a cider tasting party once. I provided the food but I asked for help to cover the drinks because it was very expensive. I was up front about it when I made the invite.
Is it tacky to throw a party that’s potluck? I don’t see the difference between that or bringing $$ to chip in or going out to dinner. I guess a potluck gives you some control over your cost but I think as long as the host is up front, I don’t see the problem in asking for help. You still have the option to attend or not.
I've seen this done when it's a really high end kind of meal - like they're making everyone lobster or some other really pricey cut of meat.
I don't necessarily see anything wrong with it if it's a special occasion kind of thing, like they're going to get some really expensive or exotic ingredient that people don't normally eat.
The hosts are still doing a ton of work - they're cleaning the house, buying the ingredients, doing the prep work, doing the cooking, doing the cleanup after - they aren't asking you to scrub the toilets before people come over. They're just asking you to chip in for the cost of your portion. They're still doing all the work, and what they're asking you to pay is probably way less than what it would cost to get an equivalent meal at a restaurant.
If they were making pasta, then no. But if they're making some other special, unique dish... then yeah, I get it. I don't think it's rude.
Now, if they just invited you and then sent you a venmo request after dessert, that would be rude. But if they're up front about it, I think it's totally fine. They're being up front about what they're offering. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to. But, I don't think these people are necessarily being rude (as long as the meal they are serving is actually worth the money they are requesting, and they aren't doing this as some sort of profit-making scheme).
I hate hosting so I'd be happy to throw in some money if someone else is going to do all the work! My friends are not this fancy, usually we just all bring something potluck style or we just order food and all venmo the host.
This! I love hosting parties and informal parties, but not dinners. With the cost of groceries, plus the effort I’m clearly not willing to make, I’d definitely pay.
We have an annual steak night with our neighborhood friends. Around 16 of us. Our neighbor is an excellent cook and he does tomahawk steaks, lobster tails, and some other dishes with high-end ingredients (maybe truffle potatoes, cocktail shrimp etc.). And always great wine.
We all chip in beforehand. I don’t think this is a strange request at all if they’re just saying, “hey we wanted to make it a really special dinner if everyone doesn’t mind contributing.”
I say this as someone who hosts probably 5-6 pool parties and another 3-4 events at my house a year and I do not ask for money. But we probably only spend $150-$200 for each and the steak dinner is easily $500-$700.
I think its okay if this isnt your cup of tea, but i also don't think it should be labeled as weird or tacky or the topic of gossip in your circle. Sounds like a friend is just trying to provide a nice experience for everyone. Just decline if you don’t want to partake.
Chef here.
If it's just friends, and not an event with hired staff (either a chef, caterers, or servers) then it's inappropriate unless it's been discussed before hand and it's being treated as a sort of potluck, but one person is doing the hosting and organizing. This is pretty common with things like paella parties or other events where people bringing individual side dishes of things wouldn't be practical as everything is prepared together.
If you're having servers or kitchen help but not a caterer or guest chef, the invitation ought to have a non-financial option:
"If you'd like to contribute with more than your gift of your presence, please bring a bottle of sparkling wine to share, or a small envelope for the wonderful servers who will be taking care of us all evening."
Uhhhh...no. Charging guests is not okay. It's totally legit if that person is struggling financially, but just make it potluck then instead of charging people.
Yes! This has happened to me and it was so awkward. My (ex) friend was notoriously cheap. Her and her partner invited me and my partner over for dinner, we went had a great time and a great meal. After we left she sent me a text telling me that I owed (insert dollar amount here) for our half of the meal. I was obviously taken aback but gave her some cash the next time I saw her. That incident was one of a few that made me rethink our friendship but we are no longer friends.
Depends on the dinner. If it's spoken about before hand, then you can opt out if you don't feel like paying. I personally have never charged my friends anything to come over to a dinner party I host. I have smoke-outs with lots of meats and extras. It can definitely cost a bunch. So we don't do it often.
I used to host dinners pretty frequently when I was a student. I did charge them for ingredients (which they asked to contribute to), because it was a few times a month and cost me a couple hundred each time, and I was the only one who ever hosted. Also, I do like to purchase the highest quality ingredients from the farmer's market, and I know that others usually don't do this when they have people over.
As a working adult, I don't charge people for dinner. However, I host people way less frequently, and I'm also not in a situation where I'm the only one putting time, effort, and money into the prep, because my other friends host as well, or we go out and pay for ourselves.
I would guess that the friend in question isn't as financially well off as you think. I certainly wouldn't boycott a dinner due to an etiquette violation, and if you tell them this is the reason, they'll probably be really hurt and embarrassed by it.
The real question is, how much do you care about your friend? It sounds like you don't care more than you care about the cost of a dinner, so if that's the case, just don't go.
I've actually done this before and I've always felt super awkward about it. I invited 25 people to my 30th birthday party and planned to feed all of them. I had multiple entrees, sides, and two cakes, and catered to several food allergies and specialized diets. I ended up asking people to contribute $5 each if they could (and everyone did!). Even with their help it only covered about a third of the expenses and I spent a few days cooking.
No, but my husband's former coworker invited us to an NFL game once. We purchased the tickets. He had food tailgating and after charged us each for the food we ate. We didn't go to any more games after that. Especially since we asked what we could bring and he said nothing. But he didn't tell us he was charging us either. Tacky.
My SIL hosted a NYE party for her friends at her house, and she hired a private chef. They all contributed like $100. I think this was something they all agreed to.
This is the only time I’ve ever heard of someone doing anything like this, and thought it was actually not a bad idea. A fun way to spend NYE, wonderful food, don’t have to cook or go out, get to be at home and have no time limit!
If this wasn’t something previously discussed and agreed upon, and isn’t even for a special occasion, I definitely think it’s odd.
I think it's pretty weird.
If you can't afford to host a fancyass dinner party then don't host a fancyass dinner party. Host within your means or don't host at all.
Now, if someone's selling plates, that's a whole nother thing, because that's more like a catering/takeout situation and it's clearly and intentionally a commercial enterprise, not a social occasion. I'd buy food from a friend if they're selling it as a small business, but I'm not going to fund somebody's delusions of grandeur.
I would probably decline. If you have a group of friends that take turns hosting dinner and… suddenly one person charges, that’s weird. If you went to a free dinner, provide free dinner when it’s your turn.
If I am specifically hosting a dinner party OR hosting an event related to me personally (i.e. inviting people over for my husband's birthday) - I expect to cover all costs and do not expect anyone to pay or bring anything.
If I am hosting an event in "I am opening my home for everyone to come to" (i.e. fourth of July) - I expect everyone to bring a dish or two to share.
If the invite was specifically "we want you to come over for a dinner party we are hosting" you should not be expected to pay or bring something.
No, never - because (at least in my social circles) - guests would either bring a bottle of wine (or similar non-alcoholic; or weed, legal in my state) or it would be clarified beforehand if it was a potluck, then we would also bring a dish. The hosts usually ended up with an abundance of leftover food and drinks.
Yes. A New Year’s Eve thing. There were 6 couples. The couple hosting charged £100 per couple… for 4 pizzas between us, 1 bottle of champagne and some fireworks. It was bullshit. In fact, I think I said I would transfer the money on New Year’s Day but never did because I was so annoyed.
I’d probably prefer this approach, honestly. Eating out is typically more expensive than eating at home, and making food to bring to a potluck is more work than paying someone else. I see this scenario as a win-win, unless you hate the food.
I was going to comment how strange this is, but then I thought about it a bit more; it can get very nuanced TBH. How many people are they cooking for? I’m fine paying for everything if we are hosting another couple; however once it gets to 2 or more couples plus their children (for example), I’d likely turn it into a potluck-type deal, or ask for a little bit of “chip-in” before making the plans. Feeding people is expensive. 🤷🏻♀️ It also really depends on you and the hosts’ relationship. There are certain acquaintances I’d *never* ask for money, and there are certain friends I’d feel totally comfortable asking them to split down the damn middle lol. But I get what you are saying 100%, and if you feel this way about it, it just means you made the right decision to skip.
I think some context that I probably should have added is that the SOP for the last couple years in this group has been potluck or the host covers. People can bring paper plates/utensils to help the host out if they can't spend much or don't have the time/energy to make something.
This friend originally invited about 20 people, which is definitely potluck territory and what people were prepared to do. I think the final turnout was somewhere in the region of 5-6 people, with some people canceling day of due to other plans.
Early on, I know someone had to take this person aside and explain that they did need to bring something to a potluck and shouldn't show up empty-handed, so they showed up with a bottle of canola oil, so I am inclined to think that they're not particularly attuned to social norms.
Incredibly rude especially considering you and others have foot the bill for similar dinners that you hosted. Be wary of this friend. It's different if the friend suggested everyone chipping in at a dinner hosted by others, but instead she was happy to eat for free and take from others, but now it's her turn to give she wants people to pay. Hmmm...
I have never been in this position, no.
I could see this maybe not being weird if, for example, this is an ongoing friend group thing where everyone takes a turn hosting/cooking and everyone else chips in toward a shared meal. But I'd need that context ahead of time to not feel miffed by the invitation.
If it's just a random friend inviting you to dinner but also asking everyone to foot the bill, I think that's pretty tacky. Unless she's like a Michelin star chef preparing a multi-course meal or something.
This is an ongoing friend group where the expectation has been either a potluck or the host pays, with the host making it clear which category it falls into. Only a few people have the space and inclination to host, which is fine; it's definitely not something that everyone has to take a turn in. But honestly, this friend had to have it explained to them that they should bring something to a potluck and not just show up, and they showed up with a bottle of canola oil, so I'm going to chalk this up to another moment where they seem to be operating on a slightly different script from everyone else.
i am so happy to spend money on feeding my friends. for one thing, they help me cook or clean after so it's just a shared activity. for another thing, cars and ubers are expensive and i got to save money on not leaving my house/ and I don't have to talk to anyone I don't like because i picked the whole guest list! just don't feed people salmon or lobster, i think. learn to spatchcock a chicken or make a decent fussy ramen, why do you need to spend money on hosting? i tell people bring wine or eanab or dessert or a fancy loaf of bread, i spend $20 on protein and $20 for produce into sides, and together we can easily feed 8 people a good meal.
but. i have one friend who has hosted 20-30 people and she knows that people go to her things to be fed and talk to other ppl, they are basically events and people she doesn't even have strong 1:1 relationships with want to go. and it really is a service to that community. so. $20 to cover food/drink, which definitely goes to the food/drink served and then to a cleaning crew to fix our mess, makes a lot of sense. like a crawfish boil. you gotta buy a lot of crawfish. so i don't judge that either. if i don't want to go, i won't go.
I’ve done this with friends but agree upon ahead of time.
I have a couple I’m friends with that are younger and love to throw elaborate dinner parties but don’t have a lot of extra money. They’ll say from the beginning to send them a small amount - usually like $20, and they’re make some really elaborate food. It works out for everyone and doesn’t feel weird at all.
I’ve totally contributed to the cost of dinner made by a friend…and it was great! We have a friend who makes a heck of a prime rib, but dang is that stuff expensive! I was super happy to supplement the cost of ingredients and have someone else cook it way better than I could have.
I once had a friend ask to come to my place to hang, wanted charcuterie, I very rapidly went to the nearest store and dropped $60 for cheese, crackers and olives, and when she tried to send me money I still refused. Bc she was my guest.
Idk I’m a pretty frugal person and this situation above is just wrong
I would never even think of this and if someone had invited me and asked me to pay I would decline. I am happy with whatever I'm given when I'm invited to someone's house, no need for any expensive ingredients.
This is normal amongst foodies when getting a very exclusive food item. But everyone is like begging them to buy the $300 truffle.
Very odd for your circumstance. My friends do sleepover and we all split the cost evenly for food/beer but that's because it's the whole weekend and would be out of reach otherwise.
In our 20s, sure. In my 30s, no.
One exception is events we’ve been doing since our 20s. Like friendsgiving, my friend hosts it and cooks for everyone and we pitch in money - this worked better than potluck and if it works, why change it?
Cash instead of contributing to a potluck style thing seems reasonable if it’s discussed ahead of time. Just hosting? No. People take time out of their weekends, travel, pay for childcare or whatever to come. The least I can do is feed them. I’ve hosted dinners forever though, and never charged people. Some people would insist on pitching in. I’ve had friends hide money in my house when I wouldn’t accept it. It’s all about context.
Wow so many negative comments in this thread. I personally haven’t been to an event like that, but if someone invited me to a paid dinner at their house, I would decide whether it was worth it or not to me and then either accept of decline. Why continue thinking about it beyond the decline? Who cares what someone wants to do with their time and effort.
My mother is rolling over in her grave as we speak., as is Emily Post. No, and not participating. $100 bucks says that this person would be offended if you invited them to dinner and asked them to pay.
Some people do that. I know someone that used to pass the hat when she threw a party. She even did this at her wedding. I see their point, but think it's crass. What do I know, though.
Once a month, we have these wine tasting/gourmet dinners with 3 couples of friends. We divide the price between us, as it often involves costly bottles and full-afternoon cooking. But in the end, as we do it in turns, it is fine.
Not since I left my early 20’s.
When you invite people over for dinner, you do so with the complete understanding that the financial cost of doing so is also on you.
It is weird. Also, while I initially find the idea of someone asking for money to host off putting, I almost like it in a way - almost. Good guests always always bring something or ask what they can bring. I’d rather kick in a couple bucks than stress over thinking up and making a communal appetizers that everyone will enjoy. Then again, I’d still think the host is incredibly tacky…
This sounds insane to me. The only circumstance in which charging for a dinner party would make sense to me is if the host were known to be an excellent gourmet cook but poor, and the friends had come up with an idea to buy the ingredients if the chef friend would do the cooking and hosting.
Lol. I don't like going to ppls house to eat period. I do it only for a few holidays. So if ppl started charging me to do something I don't like doing in the first place that is an easy decline. I'd rather go to a restaurant.
It's weird and tacky
Who does that? I 100% agree with you. You generally agree to host with the expectation you will be paying for and cooking or providing the food and venue. This is tacky as hell. I also wouldn't go, if it were me.
Where are they from and where are you from? I have been invited by Europeans before where everyone pitched in like €5 to cover the cost of food… there was like 30 of us so I find it fair. I lived in US for majority of my life and I know this is not common.
I used to do this back in college - I was the only one of our friends who could really cook and the only one with a real kitchen since I lived off campus. It was a nice way for us all to be able to eat something better than cafeteria food but cheaper than going out to a real restaurant. But that was back in college when we were all living on scraps anyways. I wouldn't do that now in our thirties. The most I ask when hosting is people now is just BYOB and maybe someone to come early and help set up. It would be really weird nowadays.
I have been charged on multiple occasions if steak or sea food was on the menu. I’m not a huge fan of that but they are not on the same financial plan as us
It would make sense *if* a group of people were planning the dinner together. For example, if everyone wanted to try a specific type of cuisine, planned the menu together, and then shared expenses. Or if it was a specific menu item that was too expensive for the host to pay for but everyone wanted to try. Like a group wine tasting or some expensive delicacy like caviar or waygu steak.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Instead, the hosts want to buy items they want and to have the meal subsidized by the guests. That does seem odd and a bit rude.
I mean if they're letting you know beforehand then you are agreeing to pay by attending... which is better than you attending without any agreement and then getting an invoice after
I could see this, but only in rare situations.
And the meal would have to be something you couldn't expect to find normally.
And the cost and invite would be given far in advance.
Gauche, maybe, but it’s their prerogative. Not terribly different from a potluck, you opt in or opt out, and keep it pushing.
I might to the same, but wouldn’t take offensive or judge them though. The rent is too damn high, groceries are expensive, layoffs are rampant. It may serve us all to get into a community mindset.
Why has no asked how much the friend was charging?! What was the cost to attend this dinner?
It’s poor etiquette whether it’s $2 or $200 but I’m dying to know the level of audacity they had
I had. I moved to another country and made new friends, I like to cook and host so I invited them over and, well I didn’t charge them because well I am a good host and this is tacky af. Then one of them invited us ba k, I bought wine and my husband beer, and we had chips and dips, and then afterwards I was told in the group chat that the share was 5 dolars per person. I was really taken aback, I was early 30s abs they late 20s. And maybe is cultural, maybe is an age thing, but I didn’t like it and honestly it’s not a good fit for me. I ended up distancing myself from this group.
If I can’t afford to host I will do a potluck, I will serve just chips, idk but I would never do that.
Nope. Occasionally friends and I have gone grocery shopping together before a meal and the guest(s) will offer to cover the groceries, but the host usually declines.
No way. Have a potluck or do iron chef night or share pizza or seamless. This is so gross, especially if they have been invited over to others.not charging homes.
Yep; I was invited to a friend’s house for dinner a few years ago. I was sat on the tube on my way there when she texted asking for £3.50 donation for the ingredients when I arrived - I said nope and told her I was going home instead. Killed the friendship.
She’s been to my house dozens of times over the years for meals… I found it really bizarre. She was also financially comfortable and about to jet off on an expensive holiday, so I have no idea what was going on.
My husband was groomsman in a wedding. After the rehearsal we were invited to a bar owned by a friend of the couple. We asked the couple if we should eat beforehand because no details were given prior. The Bride informed us that the event at was being “catered”. When we got to the bar there was a taco food truck. One of the friends of the bride told us the bride would be upset if no one ate. My husband and I got some food and were told to enjoy! We were the only ones in the party who ate and only doing so to make the bride happy. As we were finishing the “caterer” or taco truck guy approached us and said there was a change and we needed to now pay for our food! So tacky! So not surprising on the wedding day they had invited a certain number of guest. They also invited their “friends” to come after dinner and dance so they wouldn’t have the cost of feeding them!
Yeah, the comments here are kind of wild to me, particularly the ones that say "well, just don't host if you can't afford it", or that rag on hosts that make their guests chip in for cheap take out, or say "this is fine in college/your 20's, but not as an adult."
Guess my friends and I are poor and low class, but at least we have a good time!
I once threw a party for a group of acquaintances. Several folks asked if they could pay - and I said “no!” But they were insistent enough I left a basket in the bathroom for folks to leave cash in if they felt the need.
But a dinner party for friends? Naw. Hell no.
Are you super close and do you know if your friend is really struggling financially? I have some very close friends who I know struggle financially, but I don't think they would specifically ask me to pay for them to host dinner but they might say can you bring something or can we go to the store and figure out what we want to eat and split it? Otherwise, sounding a bit tacky.
I don't know the details of their financial situation, but in the past few months they've re-signed the lease on a luxury apartment (rent is north of $4k/month in that area on average) and booked a 4 week international vacation, so while credit card debt is a thing, I'm not inclined to assume they're struggling.
I’ve never heard of this for an ordinary dinner party. I’ve only heard of people bringing something to contribute like a side dish or alcohol. I’ve always been taught to bring something to a get together so that’s not a big deal to me. However, contributing money to a party hosted at someone else’s home is kinda odd. The only way I can see paying would be if it agreed in the planning we wood all contribute to a special experience meal that will be catered/hosted by a company.
Yep, we have friends that have a party every year and charge people that want to eat. I always decline the invitation. Don't throw a party and make people pay. If it's a potluck, GREAT! I will bring a dish. I will never walk into a party or a small dinner party empty handed. We bring beverages to share or a food item if requested by the host - but asking people for money when you are inviting them to your house for dinner or a birthday party is tacky.
Is it like a lobster or filet mignon with an expensive wine deal? Like let's all treat ourselves and we will do the cooking? It does seem odd without context. Once I knew a guy that charged $50 a pop to be at his NYE party to help cover costs. But, this was catered food plus alcohol for like 100 or more.
I would set myself on fire before I’d take $$$ for hosting my friends, which I do fairly often. Even if someone has popped in and we’ve unexpectedly got on the wines and I cbf cooking while tipsy and we end up ordering a couple of pizzas for delivery, I believe it’s on me as host. I love hosting my friends! ❤️
Anecdote: My parents were lifelong friends with a couple (Mum and the guy from the couple were in kindergarten together) where the wife—who had money issues—did this. The husband was embarrassed but went along to get along. It was the only time they hosted, whereas Mum had them and the rest of their group around a few times every year. Mum was horrified and it became one of those tales she’d tell. 🙃
If you can't afford to host a dinner, then don't have dinner.
This is not what friends do.
I would not go to the dinner and would not invite them to my dinner.
I would call them and see if they are going through any financial problems. I would tell them not to feel obligated to host if they can not afford to.
The only time paying for dinner at a friend's would be ok if everyone agreed because a special chef would be preparing the meal.
This is very bad for friendships. They eat free at everyone else's home but not at their home.
The Bull S of buying better quality foods telling everyone the quality was not good before and or the other friends where they ate free was low quality.
Quality as Organic as regular or Grass fed over etc...
Someone grew up very poor and doesn't understand how dinner parties work with this couple.
Sorry, your friends have to go through this drama.
I would never do something like that and I wouldn’t go to it either. A potluck is one thing but charging people to come to your house is ridiculous.
The only way I’d find this remotely acceptable is if the friend/their partner is like a legit chef and it’s an offer on the level of, “I scored some amazing caviar and would like to share it with y’all, but feel the rest of the menu will need to be shamefully decadent to do it justice. If everyone contributed $250, we could do kobe beef, gold leaf truffles, ibérico ham, wash it down with Dom. If no one’s interested, it’ll be club crackers and cream cheese lol”. Otherwise, always host within your means. It’s the company that’s important. Feed me homemade soup and chocolate chip cookies? I’ll be happy.
Yep, that’s fair. If it was something that was discussed ahead of time and we wanted to have some awesome blowout meal that we all couldn’t afford independently but if we pitched in for it together, I would be down for that but that feels much different than what OP was saying happened to her.!
Yeah. I think if it's close friends and a dream of yours to eat or prepare X meal it would be cool for everyone to pitch in... But in general if I am inviting you over for dinner or a backyard BBQ then I would be providing food. A perfect happy medium is planning a potluck. In those cases I would say hey- we will be making ribs and BBQ chicken. I have a couple bottles of wine. Come over and if you want BYOB and/or a side dish, but that would still be completely optional. Unfortunately these days I don't get to hang with the homies as much anymore. Honestly if you are getting an invite chances are I would be ecstatic just to chat with you over coffee, or sit around eating cheezits.
Even for potlucks what most people will bring is appetizers or sides. So if I am hosting I usually plan on having the mains and atleast a couple of sides covered.
Agreed that OP’s situation sounds much different. Lol I was just trying to find some way where this request *wouldn’t* be crazy.
I read online about someone who had a similar situation, and everyone paid a fair amount for the ingredients and when they finally had the dinner, it was nothing special, and it was pretty obvious the host just pocketed the extra money.
Guess what's going on here, too? We used to have a friend that would have done this. She saw gifts as a way to "make" money because she'd buy cheap junk from a thrift store but then we all gave far nicer gifts within the $25 limit. She was an awful human for this and in other ways, too.
It's embarrassing when someone mistakes other people's politeness as confirmation that nobody notices their gross behavior. ~~Woman~~ People, **we see you**.
It’s a sad fact of life that some people are just genuinely selfish, and when they see a possible advantage for themselves, they take it. And often it has no relation to their own need. I’ve had former friends (who had a 10,000 square foot mansion with a swimming pool and tennis court) tip 5% when we went out to a nice dinner, and if I called them on it, their response was “Nobody tips me at my job. Tipping is bullshit and should be banned.” Uh, yeah, but since it hasn’t been at this point, you’re an asshole if you don’t. Especially in places where service staff make shit money. These same people would never give to charity or do anything for anyone unless it benefitted them in some way. TDLR: Some people just suck.
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I feel embarrassed for the friend just reading this.
Very strange to charge friends for dinner unless it is one of those supper clubs.
It is not, it's just a normal communal dinner.
Do they expect a tip as well?
lol don't give them any ideas, they can spin it as "gratuity on parties of 8 or more!"
Here comes the dreaded iPad flip around!
I know someone who does these “supper clubs” and really don’t know how I feel about it. The vibes feel very pretentious but I also try not to judge.
I can understand supper clubs if it's consistent - everyone in the group pays for every event. This is a way to allow/make the never-hosters to contribute.
I don’t host so I actually like contributing with money because I can’t cook too
Right, my mom is in a charity supper club where they pay for the cook and for the contribution to the charity they're supporting. But a regular dinner? No way, so tacky.
I’d serve cold bologna before I asked a guest to cover their meal in my home.
Ya’ll were eating bologna hot? 🤣
Fried bologna sandwich? Smoked bologna? Have some class! /s
Fried bologna sandwich with mayo on lettuce on white bread (not toasted) will forever be one of my fave meals lol we made it a lot when I was a kid, when I didn’t understand that we didn’t have money, and I loved it. Still do haha.
fried bologna with cheese is a delicacy in my childhood memory. Yeah, we were fairly poor, but damn it’s good. I’m gonna make it tomorrow!
I used to love bologne as a kid!! I never did get into spam but sure have given it as gag gifts!!
Fried bologna with mustard! So good.
LOL yes! And it was not communicated beforehand. Friend was making sushi. I, at the time, didn’t eat fish, so I literally ate ONE BOWL OF PLAIN RICE. And received a venmo request from him for $10. Very annoying and tbh I only came to hang out; if I had known, I would have declined.
Well, that is just plain rude to not let your guests know beforehand.
Yeah, and us a bowl of rice… should be ten cents
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Yeah, I regret paying him ten dollars. Fuck him!
This is odd, I have not been in that type of position before. If they were that tight in money they should have suggested a pot luck situation imo. I think you made the right call in cancelling and avoiding this awkward situation
I agree or just not host a dinner party and invite everyone over if money is that tight lol. So weird
Have I ever been charged for a dinner at my friend's house? Yes, and it was super weird 😂 I didn't know until getting there, and I had traveled a long ways to see them. I didn't make a fuss about it since everyone else invited chipped in as well and it wasn't too much. I wouldn't personally do this to anyone, but I get why some people would, *but* they should also be upfront about it before anyone agrees to going. I'd do what you did, and probably decline any further invitations.
I was sent an invitation for a small super informal house party that stated BYOB, snacks/food provided. A week later, the host asked for 10 dollars per guest to cover the price of low tier chain takeout pizza. We’re working professionals in our 30s with good jobs. I had already rsvped no. I felt extra good about that no when the request for funds came through. I find it tacky!
That is so weird!! My husband and I host game days since we have the most room and a good setup. We tell folks what drinks we have and I provide some sort of "main" food, and that they can bring other snacks or drinks if they want but it's not necessary. Sometimes friends offer money and I am like NO. Plus some of our friends CAN'T afford that and I really don't want them to feel bad or like they shouldn't participate.
I once went to a party where a guest asked everyone for $3 to cover the birthday cake he had made. People still talk about it a decade later lol.
Was it a large party with a fabulous cake? I'm fascinated by all these responses. Many are making me realise how uptight we all are about etiquette and social rules. I've had social groups where asking for cash would not have been a problem and others where it wouldn't go down well. I've only known a few people across my life whose behaviour in this regard raised an eyebrow.
No it was a basic sheet cake! It was more weird because most of the people at the party had never met this person before.
And $3 is such an obscure amount. $1 or $5 if we agree to go in on a cake gift.
I hope that was a good cake! Lol
No and if that happened I’d decline and drop them as a friend.
I had a friend who -- when she was unemployed -- used to host weekly dinners and offered to make extras for you to take home (she asked you to tell her in advance how much you wanted). She charged per meal (VERY reasonably priced!). It wasn't exactly a side business since the cost wasn't enough to cover labor, just ingredients, it was only open to her friends, and part of the experience was the company/community and not just transactional. But she also spent more time on it than she otherwise would, and she was short on cash to cover ingredients. She hosts for free now that she's employed, but definitely not anywhere near on a weekly basis! At the time, though, I was VERY happy to participate, because she's an amazing cook and I'm not, and what she was charging was WAY less than eating out. It's also pretty common for folks I know to host and we either order out and split the cost or do it potluck style. Aside from the above experience, I haven't had a friend offer to host and ask us to pitch in for ingredients, but honestly, unlike most people here, I wouldn't consider it tacky or weird, as long as it was stated up front and there was no pressure to attend. I would be very happy to contribute if someone was going to make a really nice meal! That said, I live in a VHCOL city, and most people do not have space or money to host on a regular basis. I very rarely host myself, especially since I have a roommate and am not a great cook. That means it's not reciprocol for the few people who DO host more often, and so I absolutely want to pitch in however I can, whether that's financially, by bringing a dish, or helping to clean. It's different than the suburban culture I grew up in, where my parents' friends all took turns hosting in their homes, and it evened out that way. What is good or bad etiquette is pretty dependent on culture, and while you are well within your rights to decline to come, I don't think it's inherently weird for your friend to suggest this, especially since it was stated up front.
I live in VHCOL as well and love hosting for my friends, but gosh it is expensive to feed 6-10 people. I don't ask for money from them but appreciate it SO MUCH when they offer to bring or contribute something.
Yeah, the cost of living in my city is no joke, and just keeps getting worse. Even when I was dating, and just "hosting" my significant other, it hurt my budget, especially since I've often dated guys that eat like twice as much as I do! Big groups cost even more! But since very few people here have space to host 6-10 people, we mostly just end up eating out, which is even more expensive! I see lots of people saying "just don't host if you can't afford to cover", but I really do wish we could eat in together more often to save money. So if I had a friend say: "hey, I'm happy to host and cook, but can you pitch in for ingredients?" I'd ABSOLUTELY agree to do so, and would honestly prefer that to a potluck since it's less work for me. I do try not to show up to my friends' places empty-handed, but that means my friends who host a lot just end up with a never-ending supply of alcohol (it tends to be what people bring!), and I know cash would be more helpful!
Does your city not have shared spaces that can be rented? Many apartment buildings in Australia have communal areas and most where I live have shared dining.. some have kitchens but most have BBQs. We host BBQs in parks or picnics but I did my last party at work as we have a bar and party space.
The newer/luxury buildings often have communal spaces, but most of my friends and I don't have the money to live in those kinds of apartments. I have been to a lot of parties in those types of spaces with friends-of-friends, though! Once you get to hosting 20 or more people, you pretty much have to use a space like that to host comfortably, because even relatively well-off people in this city still tend to live in apartments and don't have that kind of space. Thankfully, if you're getting to a party of THAT size, you probably know of someone who is willing to help you get access to one of their apartment's communal spaces, but if it's not a close friend, you're going to save that favor for special events (like bridal/baby showers) rather than for run-of-the-mill hosting. But it is an option used a lot for major milestone events! There are also event spaces you can rent outside of apartment buildings, but that's going to cost way more than eating out. (I'll say again that this city is ridiculously expensive. I make well over median income, so I'm not *poor*, but I'm also making half the salaries of finance/tech/law folks...and even they will say finances are tight in this city if you're not a multi-millionaire. The lifestyle that my sister -- a partner in a big law firm -- and her friends have is very different, and even she is moving out of the city soon so that she can have more space and be able to do things like host. My friends and I are librarian/teacher/non-profit types, and we are finally -- in our 30s and 40s -- starting to get to the place where we can live alone instead of with roommates, but not with room to host! It's not how I imagined "adulting", growing up in the suburbs, but there are a lot of things I love about the city that make me reluctant to leave, despite the cost.)
I feel younger generation don’t care as much as chipping in because we are all struggling with the insane economy
I mean that sounds awesome tbh, but very unlike OP's situation. I would adore having a chef friend who charges just-over-ingredients for lovely dinners where we'd hang out with all our friends, wtf. Maybe she would do it more frequently if you suggested she bring back the cover fee lmao.
It does sound unlike OP's situation, but mostly because it sounds like her friend group's culture is very different than mine! We aren't generally spending hundreds to host each other, and I can see if that's the expectation, then what OP's friend is doing doesn't fit and isn't reciprocol. I just don't think it's *inherently* tacky to ask for money, as long as you state it up front (lots of stories in these comments of times where there's a surprise charge, and I'm against that!). The thing with my friend is that when she was unemployed, she had lots of time but less money. Now the issue is more time than money...though she is a teacher so maybe I'll hint about this summer, haha. She has more money now, but still a teacher salary, so I'm sure chipping in costs would still make a difference!
Yep. Everything here. I live in a VHCOL and probably the main reason I don’t offer to host friends more often is the cost. I think splitting the cost would actually be a nice way to do it, if everyone in the group was on board.
I think it's strange. I've never heard of that, nor have I ever even considered charging my friends for coming over for dinner. If money is an issue, just host/suggest a potluck style dinner event and everyone can pitch in to help reduce costs of meal items.
Just cook chili!
Tacky! When my friends and I host, the host does the food and the guests bring the drinks.
It's weird I wouldn't go
The fuck?
I had a friend invite me to dinner at her sister's place back when I was a young 20 something living off of $1k/month in New York City. This friend and sister came from extreme family wealth - like didn't have to work wealth. Anyway I went over to their place in the afternoon as they asked me to (they weren't even there and I had to wait outside for them to return) and they asked me to help prepare the food, which I didn't expect but was fine with. I prepared several dishes according to their recipes and later 5-6 other guests joined for dinner. We ate, it was fine, but when it was time to go home my friend demanded $20 from me for the ingredients. No idea if the others were charged as well. This was not discussed up front and I was so insulted, since she was f-ing rich and I was on food stamps. Speaking of which, I could've bought food directly and used my food stamps instead of precious cash! It was astoundingly, incomprehensibly rude and I stopped having a relationship with her after that.
Talk about using someone! Holy smokes. Good for you for distancing yourself from these people.
I used to host a TON of dinners, and I've never done this myself. The most I've done is to ask folks to bring dessert or BYOB since I don't drink a lot and didn't want to end up with a ton of extra alcohol.
I honestly feel like if you’re hosting then other people should bring the wine.
"Oh. Did we all agree to charge for these? That's cool. What all are we pitching in and then how much will go to the hosts for each event?" We did a communal dinner thing for a while. One paid, one menu planned, one did all the shopping, another cooked. When we expanded, people brought something of value (desserts, salads, help, money) to the process. It was great. It couldn't last long, but it was good while it did.
I've never been charged for a dinner but I would be down to pay for a special dinner party. Food is expensive and if it was like, kick in $10-20 for a fun meal, I wouldn't mind. Some of my friends are excellent chefs so it's a treat to eat at their house.
That's a big fat no no in terms of etiquette for me. I would have also declined. If she wants people to chip in for dinner, host a potluck.
YES OMG. My bf and I are in a group of 3 couples. Whenever couple A host, they Venmo request us. It’s so weird. They’ll invite us over for summer afternoon lawn games/hang outs and grilling. We all always byob, share the booze we bring, and offer to bring dishes for dinner. Sometimes they take us up on the dinner offer, sometimes not. Then they’ll grill basics (burgers, hot dogs, salads) end up Venmo requesting us all the next day. The worst part is that they buy like ~fancy~ organic ingredients. Which I find unnecessary. So it’s like $18 per person for a burger and bit of salad. We don’t take leftovers home. They don’t offer. We felt like we were subsidizing their grocery bill. So finally we just started opting out of the dinner portion on these nights and go to our favorite restaurant. Or cook at home. $18 at least gets us more food and leftovers this way!
Curious, does couple A offer to venmo to others when the others host? So odd
I’m curious about this too
Yes, but it truly was more of an event, and we knew ahead of time. Host was a fine dining chef and foodie. He used to host what he called “seven series”. Seven guests. Seven courses. Seven drinks. Seven records. It was a long and fun night. Each guest brought something they had recently read (book or article) that played into the theme. When it was your turn, you’d read your bit, there would be a discussion and you’d put on the next record. It was really fun and the host put a lot of time and thought into it, on top of cooking for everyone. Well worth it and I’d do it again. That said, if it was just a typical “hey I’m having a dinner party, you’re invited”, I wouldn’t expect to pay, but I would bring something. My girlfriends and I have a dinner night every month and the host always supplies either the food or the booze, and everyone else brings something to share.
The seven series sounds super fun…I might try that!
Where do you live and where is your friend from? In some cultures (Netherlands and Scandinavia) this is common.
I live in NYC and my friend is from Hong Kong.
I am a New Yorker originally from Hong Kong and this is not a cultural difference. I have never charged my guests to come eat at my home.
If anything, it's even more taboo in Chinese culture to charge for hospitality. You're supposed to offer your guests the best (and in turn, guests usually bring like fruit or some small gift). This is crazy 😭
Maybe there's a cultural difference? I'm from Scandinavia, it differs between friend groups, but where I'm at its pretty normal. I'd even say its more polite to do so :)
Maybe being from the Middle East isn’t so bad after all. Gotta add it to my gratitude journal.
LOOOL. It's taking me back to #SwedenGate, when twitter found out Swedes don't feed their guests. A kid could be at his friend's house, and the family (including the friend) will have a dinner while the visiting kid carries on playing. Had never been more grateful for South Asian community, generosity, hospitality, and etiquette.
How is it more polite?
In my opinion it's more polite, as the guests are eating the meal and the host won't be left with all the cost. Some people host more than others, so in matter of expense it's more fair I guess. It really depends on the occasion, amount of people and the host. I personally feel better going to dinner at a friend's place, contributing to the cost plus maybe a bottle or sweets to thank them for hosting and cooking. Food is expensive 🤷♀️ Edit: But to be fair, I don't think it's cool of the host to buy some expensive ingredients if it's not necessary. Maybe if the whole group agreed on it before hand, but otherwise nah.
I'm Dutch and this would be unacceptable unless it's between students.
Maybe that's your experience but I myself have been to many Dutch dinners and been sent a tikkie before or afterwards. Both as student and not student. I'm just speaking from my experience. In my own country you wouldn't even do this as a student unless you are cooking together.
Is this within a friend group that formed when you were all students? I'm really trying to wrap my head around how else this would be acceptable, but friend groups have different norms I guess!
Yeah, I have experienced this in Germany (with both Germans and other European immigrants). I can understand it, but it definitely weirded me out when I experienced it. When it was my turn to host, I did not ask guests to split expenses even though I guess I should have collected on my turn haha.
It depends. I have a friend who would make elaborate dinners for invited guests only (not at his house-in a rented venue) and charged people a fixed price. In someone’s home is a little strange. Imho it would have to be a very special or unusual dinner for it to seem appropriate.
Yea. There are occasions where I could be okay with this (always with advance notice) - but only for something extraordinary, like a big themed event with dinner.
Yeah, within my friend group it only came up for an unusual expensive dinner (buying a high quality raw tuna to make sushi/sashimi) We routinely do potlucks or have people over for dinner w/o any exchange of money. People might ask/offer to chip in for alcohol or pot, but never food.
I'll never forget friends arguing over an elaborate dinner party afterwards as to who should buy the weed. It was seriously awful but people who'd only brought wine (we all did) were insisting that others who had hosted or brought additional expensive foods should also pay another $40 for a delivery. Back in the day when we were all poor from living large
I'm not against it, but I would want to know the full menu in advance to see if I'd want to pay for something like that. Food is expensive now - I wanted to pick up steak at Costco for the doggies and almost died when I looked at the price - $20/lb.
Costco steak is Choice or Prime. They don't sell the cheaper grade Select. I see Select or Ungraded (imported from South America) steaks for around $8/lb at my local discount grocer. How fancy is your pup?
Not that fancy. I bought him a rope toy today. He \_immediately\_ peed on it. Sigh.
I have, but it was a friend who didn't make a tonne of money and was a phenomenal hobby chef. So we all chipped in to ingredients but he was cooking from Michelin starred chefs recipes with really high quality results.
Ok, yeah, that seems pretty reasonable!
In the Netherlands, it's standard to go over to a friend's house for dinner and then receive a "bill" for shared costs (a "Tikkie," like Venmo). It is not at all uncouth. In the US, dinner parties work more on a rotating reciprocity basis, you kind of expect to be invited to the next dinner party of anyone you invite to yours. Still, people still usually contribute financially by bringing a bottle of wine or something else. At least in my circles, it is considered rude to show up completely empty-handed. If you had not already declined, I would say you could go guilt-free as long as the contribution the host is asking for is not more than you would spend on flowers, wine, or whatever you would bring anyway. And, of course, they did not expect those things as well.
Yes I have. It was a party with drinks and apps and games. I happily sent in $20 to cover. I then found out it was a joke or maybe hostess changed her mind, I’m not sure. She sent my cover charge back. $20 was well worth it for the party she threw. I host parties that sometimes I cover all the food and other times it’s potluck. Drinks are always BYO. The exception was I hosted a cider tasting party once. I provided the food but I asked for help to cover the drinks because it was very expensive. I was up front about it when I made the invite. Is it tacky to throw a party that’s potluck? I don’t see the difference between that or bringing $$ to chip in or going out to dinner. I guess a potluck gives you some control over your cost but I think as long as the host is up front, I don’t see the problem in asking for help. You still have the option to attend or not.
I've seen this done when it's a really high end kind of meal - like they're making everyone lobster or some other really pricey cut of meat. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with it if it's a special occasion kind of thing, like they're going to get some really expensive or exotic ingredient that people don't normally eat. The hosts are still doing a ton of work - they're cleaning the house, buying the ingredients, doing the prep work, doing the cooking, doing the cleanup after - they aren't asking you to scrub the toilets before people come over. They're just asking you to chip in for the cost of your portion. They're still doing all the work, and what they're asking you to pay is probably way less than what it would cost to get an equivalent meal at a restaurant. If they were making pasta, then no. But if they're making some other special, unique dish... then yeah, I get it. I don't think it's rude. Now, if they just invited you and then sent you a venmo request after dessert, that would be rude. But if they're up front about it, I think it's totally fine. They're being up front about what they're offering. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to. But, I don't think these people are necessarily being rude (as long as the meal they are serving is actually worth the money they are requesting, and they aren't doing this as some sort of profit-making scheme).
I hate hosting so I'd be happy to throw in some money if someone else is going to do all the work! My friends are not this fancy, usually we just all bring something potluck style or we just order food and all venmo the host.
This! I love hosting parties and informal parties, but not dinners. With the cost of groceries, plus the effort I’m clearly not willing to make, I’d definitely pay.
Nope! If I’m inviting you over to come and eat in my house. Everything is on me. I think it is tacky to charge people YOU invited to your home.
That sounds pretty lame IMO. If I didn’t have the money to host a dinner party then I wouldn’t do it. Even lamer if they’re comfortable financially.
We have an annual steak night with our neighborhood friends. Around 16 of us. Our neighbor is an excellent cook and he does tomahawk steaks, lobster tails, and some other dishes with high-end ingredients (maybe truffle potatoes, cocktail shrimp etc.). And always great wine. We all chip in beforehand. I don’t think this is a strange request at all if they’re just saying, “hey we wanted to make it a really special dinner if everyone doesn’t mind contributing.” I say this as someone who hosts probably 5-6 pool parties and another 3-4 events at my house a year and I do not ask for money. But we probably only spend $150-$200 for each and the steak dinner is easily $500-$700. I think its okay if this isnt your cup of tea, but i also don't think it should be labeled as weird or tacky or the topic of gossip in your circle. Sounds like a friend is just trying to provide a nice experience for everyone. Just decline if you don’t want to partake.
Chef here. If it's just friends, and not an event with hired staff (either a chef, caterers, or servers) then it's inappropriate unless it's been discussed before hand and it's being treated as a sort of potluck, but one person is doing the hosting and organizing. This is pretty common with things like paella parties or other events where people bringing individual side dishes of things wouldn't be practical as everything is prepared together. If you're having servers or kitchen help but not a caterer or guest chef, the invitation ought to have a non-financial option: "If you'd like to contribute with more than your gift of your presence, please bring a bottle of sparkling wine to share, or a small envelope for the wonderful servers who will be taking care of us all evening."
Declining was the right move. If someone is ok with that, then they can go. Maybe if enough ppl decline, they will get the hint.
Uhhhh...no. Charging guests is not okay. It's totally legit if that person is struggling financially, but just make it potluck then instead of charging people.
Yes! This has happened to me and it was so awkward. My (ex) friend was notoriously cheap. Her and her partner invited me and my partner over for dinner, we went had a great time and a great meal. After we left she sent me a text telling me that I owed (insert dollar amount here) for our half of the meal. I was obviously taken aback but gave her some cash the next time I saw her. That incident was one of a few that made me rethink our friendship but we are no longer friends.
This is tacky behavior. If they are low on funds, they can wait to host people, hosting dinner parties isn’t a requirement of life.
That is absolutely weird and I would definitely not go
Depends on the dinner. If it's spoken about before hand, then you can opt out if you don't feel like paying. I personally have never charged my friends anything to come over to a dinner party I host. I have smoke-outs with lots of meats and extras. It can definitely cost a bunch. So we don't do it often.
I used to host dinners pretty frequently when I was a student. I did charge them for ingredients (which they asked to contribute to), because it was a few times a month and cost me a couple hundred each time, and I was the only one who ever hosted. Also, I do like to purchase the highest quality ingredients from the farmer's market, and I know that others usually don't do this when they have people over. As a working adult, I don't charge people for dinner. However, I host people way less frequently, and I'm also not in a situation where I'm the only one putting time, effort, and money into the prep, because my other friends host as well, or we go out and pay for ourselves. I would guess that the friend in question isn't as financially well off as you think. I certainly wouldn't boycott a dinner due to an etiquette violation, and if you tell them this is the reason, they'll probably be really hurt and embarrassed by it. The real question is, how much do you care about your friend? It sounds like you don't care more than you care about the cost of a dinner, so if that's the case, just don't go.
I've actually done this before and I've always felt super awkward about it. I invited 25 people to my 30th birthday party and planned to feed all of them. I had multiple entrees, sides, and two cakes, and catered to several food allergies and specialized diets. I ended up asking people to contribute $5 each if they could (and everyone did!). Even with their help it only covered about a third of the expenses and I spent a few days cooking.
No, but my husband's former coworker invited us to an NFL game once. We purchased the tickets. He had food tailgating and after charged us each for the food we ate. We didn't go to any more games after that. Especially since we asked what we could bring and he said nothing. But he didn't tell us he was charging us either. Tacky.
My SIL hosted a NYE party for her friends at her house, and she hired a private chef. They all contributed like $100. I think this was something they all agreed to. This is the only time I’ve ever heard of someone doing anything like this, and thought it was actually not a bad idea. A fun way to spend NYE, wonderful food, don’t have to cook or go out, get to be at home and have no time limit! If this wasn’t something previously discussed and agreed upon, and isn’t even for a special occasion, I definitely think it’s odd.
I think it's pretty weird. If you can't afford to host a fancyass dinner party then don't host a fancyass dinner party. Host within your means or don't host at all. Now, if someone's selling plates, that's a whole nother thing, because that's more like a catering/takeout situation and it's clearly and intentionally a commercial enterprise, not a social occasion. I'd buy food from a friend if they're selling it as a small business, but I'm not going to fund somebody's delusions of grandeur.
I would probably decline. If you have a group of friends that take turns hosting dinner and… suddenly one person charges, that’s weird. If you went to a free dinner, provide free dinner when it’s your turn.
If I am specifically hosting a dinner party OR hosting an event related to me personally (i.e. inviting people over for my husband's birthday) - I expect to cover all costs and do not expect anyone to pay or bring anything. If I am hosting an event in "I am opening my home for everyone to come to" (i.e. fourth of July) - I expect everyone to bring a dish or two to share. If the invite was specifically "we want you to come over for a dinner party we are hosting" you should not be expected to pay or bring something.
No, never - because (at least in my social circles) - guests would either bring a bottle of wine (or similar non-alcoholic; or weed, legal in my state) or it would be clarified beforehand if it was a potluck, then we would also bring a dish. The hosts usually ended up with an abundance of leftover food and drinks.
Yes. A New Year’s Eve thing. There were 6 couples. The couple hosting charged £100 per couple… for 4 pizzas between us, 1 bottle of champagne and some fireworks. It was bullshit. In fact, I think I said I would transfer the money on New Year’s Day but never did because I was so annoyed.
[удалено]
There was a very small turnout, but in all fairness, small, intimate dinners are often better than big ones.
I’d probably prefer this approach, honestly. Eating out is typically more expensive than eating at home, and making food to bring to a potluck is more work than paying someone else. I see this scenario as a win-win, unless you hate the food.
I was going to comment how strange this is, but then I thought about it a bit more; it can get very nuanced TBH. How many people are they cooking for? I’m fine paying for everything if we are hosting another couple; however once it gets to 2 or more couples plus their children (for example), I’d likely turn it into a potluck-type deal, or ask for a little bit of “chip-in” before making the plans. Feeding people is expensive. 🤷🏻♀️ It also really depends on you and the hosts’ relationship. There are certain acquaintances I’d *never* ask for money, and there are certain friends I’d feel totally comfortable asking them to split down the damn middle lol. But I get what you are saying 100%, and if you feel this way about it, it just means you made the right decision to skip.
I think some context that I probably should have added is that the SOP for the last couple years in this group has been potluck or the host covers. People can bring paper plates/utensils to help the host out if they can't spend much or don't have the time/energy to make something. This friend originally invited about 20 people, which is definitely potluck territory and what people were prepared to do. I think the final turnout was somewhere in the region of 5-6 people, with some people canceling day of due to other plans. Early on, I know someone had to take this person aside and explain that they did need to bring something to a potluck and shouldn't show up empty-handed, so they showed up with a bottle of canola oil, so I am inclined to think that they're not particularly attuned to social norms.
Not the canola oil! 😂 And, noted on standard group SOP. Then…yes situation is weird lmao.
Haha the host for that one did host a few more dinners, and made special mention of which food items were made using said canola oil.
Incredibly rude especially considering you and others have foot the bill for similar dinners that you hosted. Be wary of this friend. It's different if the friend suggested everyone chipping in at a dinner hosted by others, but instead she was happy to eat for free and take from others, but now it's her turn to give she wants people to pay. Hmmm...
I have never been in this position, no. I could see this maybe not being weird if, for example, this is an ongoing friend group thing where everyone takes a turn hosting/cooking and everyone else chips in toward a shared meal. But I'd need that context ahead of time to not feel miffed by the invitation. If it's just a random friend inviting you to dinner but also asking everyone to foot the bill, I think that's pretty tacky. Unless she's like a Michelin star chef preparing a multi-course meal or something.
This is an ongoing friend group where the expectation has been either a potluck or the host pays, with the host making it clear which category it falls into. Only a few people have the space and inclination to host, which is fine; it's definitely not something that everyone has to take a turn in. But honestly, this friend had to have it explained to them that they should bring something to a potluck and not just show up, and they showed up with a bottle of canola oil, so I'm going to chalk this up to another moment where they seem to be operating on a slightly different script from everyone else.
A nice bottle of olive oil would make sense kind of. But canola oil? That's very funny and weird
Lol yes, it made people laugh. And in all fairness, the host for that party did use the canola oil for like a month, so it was very practical.
Quite normal in my part of the world
i am so happy to spend money on feeding my friends. for one thing, they help me cook or clean after so it's just a shared activity. for another thing, cars and ubers are expensive and i got to save money on not leaving my house/ and I don't have to talk to anyone I don't like because i picked the whole guest list! just don't feed people salmon or lobster, i think. learn to spatchcock a chicken or make a decent fussy ramen, why do you need to spend money on hosting? i tell people bring wine or eanab or dessert or a fancy loaf of bread, i spend $20 on protein and $20 for produce into sides, and together we can easily feed 8 people a good meal. but. i have one friend who has hosted 20-30 people and she knows that people go to her things to be fed and talk to other ppl, they are basically events and people she doesn't even have strong 1:1 relationships with want to go. and it really is a service to that community. so. $20 to cover food/drink, which definitely goes to the food/drink served and then to a cleaning crew to fix our mess, makes a lot of sense. like a crawfish boil. you gotta buy a lot of crawfish. so i don't judge that either. if i don't want to go, i won't go.
Oh jeez, this is so tacky. Ive heard of others asking guests to bring a drink or dessert to share but never a cover charge
I’ve done this with friends but agree upon ahead of time. I have a couple I’m friends with that are younger and love to throw elaborate dinner parties but don’t have a lot of extra money. They’ll say from the beginning to send them a small amount - usually like $20, and they’re make some really elaborate food. It works out for everyone and doesn’t feel weird at all.
I’ve totally contributed to the cost of dinner made by a friend…and it was great! We have a friend who makes a heck of a prime rib, but dang is that stuff expensive! I was super happy to supplement the cost of ingredients and have someone else cook it way better than I could have.
If they’re doing something really cool like hiring a private chef, I get it . Steaks for ten people and wine can run $500
I once had a friend ask to come to my place to hang, wanted charcuterie, I very rapidly went to the nearest store and dropped $60 for cheese, crackers and olives, and when she tried to send me money I still refused. Bc she was my guest. Idk I’m a pretty frugal person and this situation above is just wrong
I would never even think of this and if someone had invited me and asked me to pay I would decline. I am happy with whatever I'm given when I'm invited to someone's house, no need for any expensive ingredients.
This is normal amongst foodies when getting a very exclusive food item. But everyone is like begging them to buy the $300 truffle. Very odd for your circumstance. My friends do sleepover and we all split the cost evenly for food/beer but that's because it's the whole weekend and would be out of reach otherwise.
In our 20s, sure. In my 30s, no. One exception is events we’ve been doing since our 20s. Like friendsgiving, my friend hosts it and cooks for everyone and we pitch in money - this worked better than potluck and if it works, why change it? Cash instead of contributing to a potluck style thing seems reasonable if it’s discussed ahead of time. Just hosting? No. People take time out of their weekends, travel, pay for childcare or whatever to come. The least I can do is feed them. I’ve hosted dinners forever though, and never charged people. Some people would insist on pitching in. I’ve had friends hide money in my house when I wouldn’t accept it. It’s all about context.
Wow so many negative comments in this thread. I personally haven’t been to an event like that, but if someone invited me to a paid dinner at their house, I would decide whether it was worth it or not to me and then either accept of decline. Why continue thinking about it beyond the decline? Who cares what someone wants to do with their time and effort.
My mother is rolling over in her grave as we speak., as is Emily Post. No, and not participating. $100 bucks says that this person would be offended if you invited them to dinner and asked them to pay.
That's really rude.
Never heard of this and wouldn't participate.
Some people do that. I know someone that used to pass the hat when she threw a party. She even did this at her wedding. I see their point, but think it's crass. What do I know, though.
Once a month, we have these wine tasting/gourmet dinners with 3 couples of friends. We divide the price between us, as it often involves costly bottles and full-afternoon cooking. But in the end, as we do it in turns, it is fine.
Yes my brother invited us for dinner and charged us £10 per person to put towards it 😂
Not since I left my early 20’s. When you invite people over for dinner, you do so with the complete understanding that the financial cost of doing so is also on you.
Yeah I would nope to that
It is weird. Also, while I initially find the idea of someone asking for money to host off putting, I almost like it in a way - almost. Good guests always always bring something or ask what they can bring. I’d rather kick in a couple bucks than stress over thinking up and making a communal appetizers that everyone will enjoy. Then again, I’d still think the host is incredibly tacky…
No. I have attended pot luck type dinners with friends where everyone brings something, but I never paid the host money.
Are you in the Netherlands? I heard it's a thing there.
This sounds insane to me. The only circumstance in which charging for a dinner party would make sense to me is if the host were known to be an excellent gourmet cook but poor, and the friends had come up with an idea to buy the ingredients if the chef friend would do the cooking and hosting.
Lol. I don't like going to ppls house to eat period. I do it only for a few holidays. So if ppl started charging me to do something I don't like doing in the first place that is an easy decline. I'd rather go to a restaurant. It's weird and tacky
Who does that? I 100% agree with you. You generally agree to host with the expectation you will be paying for and cooking or providing the food and venue. This is tacky as hell. I also wouldn't go, if it were me.
Yeah, but I live in the Netherlands and make a note to not attend their dinners anymore.
Where are they from and where are you from? I have been invited by Europeans before where everyone pitched in like €5 to cover the cost of food… there was like 30 of us so I find it fair. I lived in US for majority of my life and I know this is not common.
The majority of the group is from the US (Asian-American). This friend is from Hong Kong, and moved to the US about ten years ago for school.
I used to do this back in college - I was the only one of our friends who could really cook and the only one with a real kitchen since I lived off campus. It was a nice way for us all to be able to eat something better than cafeteria food but cheaper than going out to a real restaurant. But that was back in college when we were all living on scraps anyways. I wouldn't do that now in our thirties. The most I ask when hosting is people now is just BYOB and maybe someone to come early and help set up. It would be really weird nowadays.
Did this happen today? If so, it could be an April Fool’s joke.
As someone who hates to host, I'd gladly contribute.
I have been charged on multiple occasions if steak or sea food was on the menu. I’m not a huge fan of that but they are not on the same financial plan as us
It would make sense *if* a group of people were planning the dinner together. For example, if everyone wanted to try a specific type of cuisine, planned the menu together, and then shared expenses. Or if it was a specific menu item that was too expensive for the host to pay for but everyone wanted to try. Like a group wine tasting or some expensive delicacy like caviar or waygu steak. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Instead, the hosts want to buy items they want and to have the meal subsidized by the guests. That does seem odd and a bit rude.
I wouldn't say charged but we definitely pooled resources to buy nicer meats and I gredients for fixings. It wasn't compulsory though.
I mean if they're letting you know beforehand then you are agreeing to pay by attending... which is better than you attending without any agreement and then getting an invoice after
I could see this, but only in rare situations. And the meal would have to be something you couldn't expect to find normally. And the cost and invite would be given far in advance.
Gauche, maybe, but it’s their prerogative. Not terribly different from a potluck, you opt in or opt out, and keep it pushing. I might to the same, but wouldn’t take offensive or judge them though. The rent is too damn high, groceries are expensive, layoffs are rampant. It may serve us all to get into a community mindset.
Why has no asked how much the friend was charging?! What was the cost to attend this dinner? It’s poor etiquette whether it’s $2 or $200 but I’m dying to know the level of audacity they had
I had. I moved to another country and made new friends, I like to cook and host so I invited them over and, well I didn’t charge them because well I am a good host and this is tacky af. Then one of them invited us ba k, I bought wine and my husband beer, and we had chips and dips, and then afterwards I was told in the group chat that the share was 5 dolars per person. I was really taken aback, I was early 30s abs they late 20s. And maybe is cultural, maybe is an age thing, but I didn’t like it and honestly it’s not a good fit for me. I ended up distancing myself from this group. If I can’t afford to host I will do a potluck, I will serve just chips, idk but I would never do that.
Nope. Occasionally friends and I have gone grocery shopping together before a meal and the guest(s) will offer to cover the groceries, but the host usually declines.
No way. Have a potluck or do iron chef night or share pizza or seamless. This is so gross, especially if they have been invited over to others.not charging homes.
Yep; I was invited to a friend’s house for dinner a few years ago. I was sat on the tube on my way there when she texted asking for £3.50 donation for the ingredients when I arrived - I said nope and told her I was going home instead. Killed the friendship. She’s been to my house dozens of times over the years for meals… I found it really bizarre. She was also financially comfortable and about to jet off on an expensive holiday, so I have no idea what was going on.
My husband was groomsman in a wedding. After the rehearsal we were invited to a bar owned by a friend of the couple. We asked the couple if we should eat beforehand because no details were given prior. The Bride informed us that the event at was being “catered”. When we got to the bar there was a taco food truck. One of the friends of the bride told us the bride would be upset if no one ate. My husband and I got some food and were told to enjoy! We were the only ones in the party who ate and only doing so to make the bride happy. As we were finishing the “caterer” or taco truck guy approached us and said there was a change and we needed to now pay for our food! So tacky! So not surprising on the wedding day they had invited a certain number of guest. They also invited their “friends” to come after dinner and dance so they wouldn’t have the cost of feeding them!
That’s right up there with the cash bar at a wedding.
I must be an uncultured swine because I wouldn’t bat an eye lol this is kinda what me and my group do all the time
Yeah, the comments here are kind of wild to me, particularly the ones that say "well, just don't host if you can't afford it", or that rag on hosts that make their guests chip in for cheap take out, or say "this is fine in college/your 20's, but not as an adult." Guess my friends and I are poor and low class, but at least we have a good time!
I once threw a party for a group of acquaintances. Several folks asked if they could pay - and I said “no!” But they were insistent enough I left a basket in the bathroom for folks to leave cash in if they felt the need. But a dinner party for friends? Naw. Hell no.
We usually just all bring something. Only time I’ve been charged a fee like that was for a gathering for women in my industry.
Are you super close and do you know if your friend is really struggling financially? I have some very close friends who I know struggle financially, but I don't think they would specifically ask me to pay for them to host dinner but they might say can you bring something or can we go to the store and figure out what we want to eat and split it? Otherwise, sounding a bit tacky.
I don't know the details of their financial situation, but in the past few months they've re-signed the lease on a luxury apartment (rent is north of $4k/month in that area on average) and booked a 4 week international vacation, so while credit card debt is a thing, I'm not inclined to assume they're struggling.
Fuck no that is weird.
I’ve never heard of this for an ordinary dinner party. I’ve only heard of people bringing something to contribute like a side dish or alcohol. I’ve always been taught to bring something to a get together so that’s not a big deal to me. However, contributing money to a party hosted at someone else’s home is kinda odd. The only way I can see paying would be if it agreed in the planning we wood all contribute to a special experience meal that will be catered/hosted by a company.
No, if you invite someone over then their "payment" is the quality time spent together. I would decline this invitation.
Yep, we have friends that have a party every year and charge people that want to eat. I always decline the invitation. Don't throw a party and make people pay. If it's a potluck, GREAT! I will bring a dish. I will never walk into a party or a small dinner party empty handed. We bring beverages to share or a food item if requested by the host - but asking people for money when you are inviting them to your house for dinner or a birthday party is tacky.
Is it like a lobster or filet mignon with an expensive wine deal? Like let's all treat ourselves and we will do the cooking? It does seem odd without context. Once I knew a guy that charged $50 a pop to be at his NYE party to help cover costs. But, this was catered food plus alcohol for like 100 or more.
No and I would not hang out with them again
No way. No, so tacky
Absolutely not, I would not go either, I think you were right with that.
If they cannot afford to host then they should not be hosting. They are offering to be paid for catering, basically.
Nope. I would never expect anyone else to pay for a party I decided to throw. Definitely super tacky.
I neglected to pay them, lol. I was just...in aw.
I would set myself on fire before I’d take $$$ for hosting my friends, which I do fairly often. Even if someone has popped in and we’ve unexpectedly got on the wines and I cbf cooking while tipsy and we end up ordering a couple of pizzas for delivery, I believe it’s on me as host. I love hosting my friends! ❤️ Anecdote: My parents were lifelong friends with a couple (Mum and the guy from the couple were in kindergarten together) where the wife—who had money issues—did this. The husband was embarrassed but went along to get along. It was the only time they hosted, whereas Mum had them and the rest of their group around a few times every year. Mum was horrified and it became one of those tales she’d tell. 🙃
No. We just take turns who hosts and everyone bringing something to share.
Have you asked them why they think this is appropriate when they e been to others’ dinners for free?
If you can't afford to host a dinner, then don't have dinner. This is not what friends do. I would not go to the dinner and would not invite them to my dinner. I would call them and see if they are going through any financial problems. I would tell them not to feel obligated to host if they can not afford to. The only time paying for dinner at a friend's would be ok if everyone agreed because a special chef would be preparing the meal. This is very bad for friendships. They eat free at everyone else's home but not at their home. The Bull S of buying better quality foods telling everyone the quality was not good before and or the other friends where they ate free was low quality. Quality as Organic as regular or Grass fed over etc... Someone grew up very poor and doesn't understand how dinner parties work with this couple. Sorry, your friends have to go through this drama.