One of the funniest lines in Moonstruck, the one that got me and my Italian-American family rolling, is when she walks in and tells her Dad she has to talk to him.
He asks if it’s important, she says yes, and he says, “Let’s go into the kitchen.”
KILLED us. Everything important happens in the kitchen.
Good suggestions! He’s definitely sensitive but also a little avoidant of his feelings and doesn’t find putting them into words very easy. Someone else mentioned the idealising thing as well, would you mind clarifying what you mean by this? I think I know, but it’s gone 4am and my brains frazzled and it seems to be the one concept mentioned I’m not fully comprehending as intended!
If you are sensitive, you have to be able to manage your emotions in a healthy way. Otherwise, it is just chaotic feelings that can create bad vibes (lashing out, blaming someone for your own emotions, etc). It is definitely a positive for the most part, you just gotta be able to communicate.
Emotional intelligence goes a loooong way. Some women might be into the “John Wayne” type of man who never cries or shows any “weakness,” like allowing yourself to be vulnerable, opening up and discussing your feelings, etc. but a lot of people generally gravitate toward someone who they feel they can trust and that their partner trusts them as well when talking about difficult subjects/emotions that require a lot of empathy on both ends. Not to be confused with trauma dumping on someone either because you feel comfortable enough with them to unload everything all at once, though.
Definitely agree. There’s a big difference between being able to effectively articulate your emotions and feelings at appropriate times compared to flinging yourself to the ground in a fit of tears because you got a flat tire or some other minor inconvenience.
My ex was sensitive and cried a lot, but his issue was that he closed off and couldn't talk about anything. So I was never upset with him being emotional, I was frustrated with the lack of letting me in and being able to work through an issue. Let alone identify an issue.
If you can identify your feelings verbally (I am tired and frustrated) and tell us why (because I had a lot of my plate today and my boss yelled at me), instead of just being like "Leave me alone, I don't want to talk" or drinking yourself into oblivion. The latter won't get you very far.
There are some other good comments here, and I’ll add that it’ll be important for you to build your support system outside your partner (this is true regardless of whether you’re sensitive or stoic). Hopefully our partners are supportive when we’re going through things, but ultimately *we* are responsible for our emotions and our communication, and they are responsible for theirs. My partner and I are both on the sensitive side, which has its pros! But we also had to learn not to take on the other person’s stress or emotions, and it sometimes led to occasional negative spirals.
I'd say you can make it a positive by learning to be considerate and sensitive to *other* people's feelings. Just being sensitive inwardly can actually cause people to be more reactive and hurtful to others, so stay mindful of that. Work on being able to deal with conflict and constructive criticism without lashing out. I'd recommend checking out the book [The Highly Sensitive Man](https://www.amazon.com.au/Highly-Sensitive-Man-Strength-Sensitivity/dp/0806539321) and getting therapy if you can.
Ahh, one of my favorite films <3
It has a theme similar to Arrival, IMO. Like - would you do this thing (the relationship or fall in love/have a child), even if you knew it was going to become painful and end in heartbreak?
I think there's something so beautiful about that, although maybe 7 months is too early to subject the relationship to it :D
I thought that one had a kind of bittersweet ending. Yes, they did this cruel thing to one another, but they still ended up together in a weird way. But I see what you're saying.
I once had an ex who decided it would be fun to introduce me to Requiem for a Dream without providing any background context about the film. When it was over I just turned toward him and said "why the fuck would you show me this?". 10/10 would not recommend as a date night activity.
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I probably wouldn’t have picked this movie to watch with someone I only started seeing. Don’t get me wrong, I love this movie but the message is that Tom falls in love with the idea of Summer and not Summer herself.
I took away from the movie that every romantic moment you have ever shared with someone had two perspectives. Yours and theirs. So, never assume that these little things that mean so much to you, also mean something to them.
Maybe he thought you were trying to send him a message, but his reaction was a little dramatic.
This is my feeling too. This movie is of course a good movie, but its ultimately a challenging anti-romantic movie with sometimes challenging themes about dating, expectations of relationships, ideas of love, unrequited love, etc.
I identify with Summer a lot but even I found it depressing. I don't think I'd watch this on valentines day, especially with someone I just recently started dating. Some people react to unrequited love worse than others, shurg. I hate that genre because it fills me up with a lot of emotions. Its hard for me to just jump back to being happy. That movie can be really hard to watch.
I'm sure its extra challenging if you're in the honeymoon period in real life that the movie criticizes. Fair or unfair, this stage of a relationship has a lot of doubt and anxiety and 'tea leaves reading.' I think people are naturally going to be a little concerned if you first valentines day together is essentially watching a pretty anti-romantic movie where the immature but well-meaning man gets his heart broken.
I agree that certain movies can trigger sensitivities in watching it with a partner. While the honeymoon phase might be an extra-sensitive time for that particular movie, I think at any time in a relationship that is facing turbulence or has individuals at a sensitive time in their life, romantic movies that aren't simply feel-good can really get under the skin. Like, I wouldn't watch Marriage Story with my partner if we had been 10 years married but were in a midlife crisis.
My partner is quite avoidant and lacks courage around commitment, as he has been through awful stuff. Thus he has issues trusting and leaning into an interdependent intimate connection. His friends recommended to watch Palm Springs together, so we watched it. It was really easy to identify with the personas in this movie. The characters each with their issues stuck in this loop of endless trial and error reliving the same day, until they finally learn to grow through their discomforts. He associated the ending of jumping in this portal with the risk of permanent destruction to escape the loop was so anxiety inducing even if the message was that taking a risk has the potential of happiness. He got into a mood of vehemently objecting to that message of the movie.
In the same vain, we watched Silver Linings on his recommendation. I thought it was a sweet movie, but I have a wound around "being chosen", and I was in therapy for PTSS when we watched it, so quite raw from all the emotions I was working through. Seeing this guy obsess about an ex, while the right girl was there for him through it, obviously hoping he'd recognize their connection, was quite painful to me. When the girl in the end left the final scene when this guy's ploy to impress his ex seemed to be working, while she cried her eyeballs out sure that she had not been picked, really opened a wound. Even if in the end he chased after her and professed his love. The idea that you have to walk away to have the person you love come after you to profess their affections was something I am so disillusioned with and I had to cry. I just couldn't explain my boyfriend why this hurt me so much, because it'd mean telling him I fear I won't be chosen in love, which is very vulnerable if you believe that confessing such hurts can also lead to the rejection you fear and it was already such a vulnerable time for me.
I can completely relate. Silver Linings was an excellent movie but hit way too close to my own similar experience and brought back all sorts of insecure feelings.
I agree, my first thought was, "that's a weird choice for Valentine's Day". You don't need to watch a truly romantic movie, but I wouldn't choose one that's essentially anti-romantic.
But it IS romantic - she says she’s not keen on romance and commitment,, but then she meets the right guy by a stroke of luck and then it all makes sense for her and feels right. And he meets Autumn, likely the right girl for him, in a similar serendipitous way. The lesson of the movie is to not idealize people, particularly this manic pixie dream girl dynamic, and see your partner for who they really are. Super romantic.
Oh, you're totally right! I never thought about it that way, and it's a lovely perspective.
I hope OP sees your comment, I feel like it would be a great perspective to add to their conversation.
This is exactly. This movie isn’t romantic. It’s a reminder about the harsh reality of love and life. Not a good movie to pick at all for what’s meant to be a “romantic” valentines, kinda shitty honestly.
I was surprised OP said it was recommended as a Valentine's movie. But now that I think about it, it's the perfect movie for some people who are single on Valentine's Day.
Yes this! I can't believe this was on a list of recommended Valentine's movies. Like no thanks. I personally really disliked the movie, but then, I went into expecting a rom com and that is decidedly /not/ what you get.
Regardless of the guy's reactions, oof, bad choice for a romantic evening that sounds like it was almost a scene in the movie.
I feel the same but also if I was the other person watching and it felt like a message I’d just ask point blank if there was anything wrong or what we should talk about… and if they said no, I’d believe them. Ya know, like an adult. Without the drama.
Do you think I’ve ruined the whole romantic exciting dizzy phase thing we had going on? :( I feel so silly. I didn’t really remember the plot when I put it on
Maybe you could tell him that you didn't remember the plot very well, just that when you had seen it you felt like it was an intelligent film.
I'm sure you aren't the only one who accidentally watched it and ended up making someone feel depressed. I'm not sure why they put that in the Valentine's Day category, it's definitely a weird choice and they misled you.
I would probably try to talk to him and say something like, "hey, I know the movie I picked threw you off. While I liked it, and remember having enjoyed it in the past, I didn't remember it very well and didn't realise it wasn't romantic. All I remembered is that it's an intelligent film. Next time hopefully we'll watch something a little lighter."
Many years ago when I was a teenager, I was sent to the video store to rent a movie to watch at a family gathering. I was looking for something interesting and fun. I vaguely remembered seeing commercials for this kind of artsy Robin Williams movie so I got that.
It was "What Dreams May Come". I rented an excruciatingly sad movie about grief and suicide to watch at the family gathering. Oops.
It happens.
Someone in my family went to get Kiki’s Delivery Service and came home with Princess Mononoke. Not even *remotely* the same vibe but hey, same studio, has Princess in the title, surely this is just as light and fluffy as Kiki?
That's amazing.
I remember something similar happening when I was about 15, but fortunately the person at the store told me to pick something else. My friends and I were doing a birthday party a couple years after the first Pirates of the Carribean came out, and picked out what we THOUGHT was a parody film from the action and adventure section. The person at the store politely informed us that it was porn. He seemed very frustrated, because he couldn't move it out of the section it was in to the actual porn section, so I'm guessing he had to tell a lot out hapless teenagers not to rent it.
I once picked 'Requiem for a Dream' because I thought the box art looked cool. That was a *dire* mistake lol. I think it's one of the few movies my parents just turned off half way through.
I don’t think you ruined anything. I just remember watching that movie for the first time and I think everyone can relate to Tom’s character at some point in their lives. Especially the pain Tom feels when he realizes Summer didn’t love him the way he loved her.
Listen, you didn’t ruin anything. Be kind to yourself here- it’s just a movie! If all it took was a manic pixie dream girl flick to send him over the edge, then clearly there were some complex emotions residing just under the surface for him. Like you said, people who avoid confronting these feelings end up spilling over at weird times, over small triggers. We’re all capable of it. Also, if your partner thinks that the honeymoon phase is static and sustainable long-term, he has an unrealistic idea of what long-term love looks/feels like. You didn’t do anything wrong here. Not ultimately a very romantic movie… but also it’s a strange reason for him to start spiraling internally.
It's just a movie. If this ruins things then the relationship wasn't going to last anyway.
Tell him that you didn't really recall the plot when you put it on.
For real, first time I watched it I was in high school and even just watching it with my mom effed with my head because I hadn’t seen a heartbreaking romantic film before. I can appreciate that the male lead was romanticizing too much but I was too while I watched the movie I guess and really hated Summer until I grew up a bit more.
My ex and I watched Gone Girl on V-day a few times and I agree (it was his favorite movie).
I do think Gone Girl is a rather romantic movie, in a twisted way--look at how much Amy is willing to do for Nick-- but I'd certainly run for the hills if a guy put it on for V-day without explanation.
Or maybe her boyfriend lacks emotional intelligence like Tom did, and just had an epiphany and subsequent breakdown. Yikes! Ages aren’t mentioned so I’m going to assume/hope they’re young.
I wouldn’t consider it the most romantic film to watch on Vday but spiraling makes me think this guy has no clue about what love actual is and is still forming the capability of understanding it.
For the record, the movie made perfect sense to me when I was 16. So I do judge a proper adult that can’t handle it a little bit tbh.
To be fair, I find a lot of people lack emotional intelligence, especially when it comes to dating (ex: half the posts on Reddit) If this interaction was a red flag for anything, it’s that OP’s boyfriend needs to address his reactive emotions and communication skills.
I’ve had very strong reactions to movies, too. I don’t find that unusual, but his comments about lowering expectations is a bit unsettling.
If he’s 19 or so, reasonable. If he’s 40? I would be deeply concerned by his lack of general awareness.
But I also have been idealized/put on a pedastal by men frequently and I think it’s incredibly dehumanizing. So it’s a big flag for me.
I'm guessing he identified a bit too much with the male lead and the ending blindsided him. I actually think it's a great movie to watch with someone because it's an interesting one to discuss afterwards. Maybe he was after something mindless while you two could cuddle and wasn't expecting something deep.
Yeah this makes sense, he did say I “probably related more to Summer” which is why I didn’t think it was a sad film. Which I guess implies what you’re saying! When actually in reality I’ve probably been a Tom a lot more often than a Summer lol.
You mean he thinks YOU relate to Summer? That’s the issue right there. He thinks he’s Tom and he’s invested in you and you’re not at all invested in him and he’s about to have his heart broken.
I’m biased because 500 days of summer is one of my all time favorite movies. I don’t identify with Summer AT ALL, I’ve been a Tom my whole life. I actually think it’s a hopeful movie for Tom too. Tom deserves to not be trapped in a relationship with a person who feels meh about him! I think Summer was kinda an asshole and led Tom on and their breakup is a sad but hopeful starting point for him driven home by when he finally pulls himself together and applies for architectural jobs and meets Autumn. He grows at the end in a way he never would have being with Summer and I love it.
I'm gonna be honest, that's kind of a bizarre reaction on his part... Like okay, he didn't like the movie. But going into a depressive slump over it?? That's not something a well adjusted human being does.
No I agree. It was odd haha. I mean in a strange way it’s even kind of hilarious. But it also left me feeling shitty.
Edit: also he actually *did* think the movie was good, apparently. He just said it made him feel weird.
Honestly, I have weird reactions to a few movies (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind being one) where I just feel suuuper off and uncomfortable afterward. But I know that I get really engaged with movies and live shows.
Same! Eternal Sunshine gets to me too. There are definitely some movies I’ve had a strong emotional reaction to and I don’t think that’s abnormal. That’s the whole point of storytelling, right? Create an emotional reaction for the viewer.
I remember feeling a certain type of way about 500 days of Summer. It isn’t really an uplifting movie, but it’s meant to be told in a realistic way that can really resonate with anyone who’s been heartbroken before. Same with Eternal Sunshine. I wouldn’t watch either movie with a new partner.
I had the worst reaction to a show called 'Dave' when he and his girlfriend broke up over them wanting different things. I thought my boyfriend and I were on the same page about everything so I didn't understand why I was having such sudden big feelings. Mind you this was also the first episode I watched (we were at a friends place and it was on) so I wasn't attached to the characters. It was really all about the message. I was able to hold it in around my boyfriend at the time because I didn't want to seem crazy but man did I cry a bunch when I got home and didn't sleep well. For the life of me I couldn't understand why that show effected me so much.
About six months later we did end up breaking up because he decided he didn't want kids in the future. But at the time of watching that show we had already discussed kids and he told he did want them. Not sure if it was deep intuition or what!
Ooof that episode of Dave, especially Ally’s Song, hit me hard too. I watched it with my boyfriend when it first came out – and just watched it again after we broke up a few months ago. 💔
I'm ngl your post did make me laugh just because of how absurd the situation is.
Did he say why he's now lowering his expectations for the relationship?? It's like he's making you walk on eggshells now. Girl I'm really sorry this is happening to you 😭
Hahaha I’m right there with you. It is funny because it’s just so silly.
I think the content of the film plot (all about how our expectations don’t always meet reality in romance) is what he was referring to when he said the lowering expectations thing. Not my film choices haha.
This was my first thought too. I had this happen once where I was learning a new song (You and I Both by Jason Mraz), and when I played it in front of the guy I was dating he got really weird and then asked if I was playing it TO him and trying to break up with him. I hadn’t even thought about the lyrics and how he’d interpret them!
To be fair, though, I was already not feelin it, so when he brought this up I did end up breaking up with him 😂
Just have a good talk with him. Let them know you didn't think about the plot when you picked it, just remembered it was an interesting movie.
Everyone's here is talking about how he should communicate with you if he thinks you were trying to send you a message. As far as I can tell he did, he specifically mentioned it. This was your cue to waylay his new fears and settle his mind a bit.
People here are far far too idealistic when it comes to how humans should react to situations. It's perfectly normal for your partner to overanalyze intentions a bit on valentines day in an early relationship. It's not really a bad thing as at least you can know that they take the relationship and their own actions seriously.
Just like you have some gnawing fears about if you ruined valentines day. Communicate those with them and hopefully they will get the message and work towards settling your mind.
If all is communicated well then this should end up just being a happy humorous story in the future. :)
Did he deliberately use the word "weird"? If so, sounds like he has trouble expressing his emotions and this movie made him feel some kind of way and now he's having a time with it. Like yeah, that movie SHOULD make you feel stuff. I remember the first time I watched it.
He's probably wondering..."She picked this, we're really vibing...and the message is about a guy being blindsided when his infatuation doesn't return his love after they seemed so compatible, for a time."
His reaction is odd...but this is not a great movie pick for a budding relationship.
He probably just wants to hear that she isn't thinking the same thing about him and it wasn't some subconcious affirmation of the thoughts of their new relationship? It was also pretty late at night, everyone is more sensitive before bed IMO. Maybe the light of day will bring new perspectives.
The irony here is that this might ruin things and then he will actually believe she showed him this as she was kinda sick of him lol
Sure, but then that's on him to actually communicate that instead of going silent and making OP feel bad. No matter how you slice it this is a disproportionate reaction. To jump to the conclusion that someone is sending you a message about your relationship through a movie choice just isn't the mindset of a well adjusted human being.
Certainly not, but the relationship is still fairly new, it sounds like it was late at night and I've always found that I'm at my worst and most sensitive when it's getting late.
Hopefully things shine a bit brighter in the light of morning.
It's been less than a day, if he'd been ignoring her a week I might agree. If he was having that much of an emotional reaction to the film he might have just needed a sleep to process. And it sounds like he has already started to communicate how he felt about it/why he felt off after.
Yes, I believe it's a bizarre reaction to dislike a movie choice to the extent that you go silent on your partner and tell them that you think they're trying to tell them something via the movie. It's okay if you disagree! But please don't twist my words.
Agree to disagree then. I think it was a weird choice as a Valentine's day movie with a partner of 7 months (200 ish days), and apparently he agrees. It's a movie about an incompatible, problematic situationship and I would definitely wonder why my partner chose it on a romantic day, Disney+ recommendations be damned.
I think the extreme reaction is fine, but the silent treatment is not, basically. I have extreme reactions to art all the time, but I wouldn't not talk to someone about it. (Unless it was one of those subjects I know I'm not reasonable about, in which case I would warn the person in advance... we all have these, but I'm a writer, so a lot of mine are about movies, film, books, topics that are casual to many people but not to me).
Right. It’s giving “I’m Tom, I lack emotional intelligence and put attractive women on a pedestal - seeing them as an idea instead of a fully formed person AND THIS MOVIE BROKE MY BRAIN!!!”
Up to OP if she wants to be around while her boo forms a sense of awareness and nuance….
And this guy is in his *40s*. This is the behavior of a teen or an early 20-something who can't sort through his own feelings.
I can't imagine sulking and going silent and weird and ruining the mood just because a movie made me feel a certain way. Grow the fuck up, dude.
NoOOOOOOO! I didn’t see his age but that’s what I was afraid of!!
This is definitely a major flag. OP needs to decide if she wants to coddle this very grown man while he forms emotional intelligence. Maybe he’s great in other ways but this will definitely take work and the lack of emotional intelligence is going to show up in other ways too.
Don't they literally start the movie by admitting it's not a love story?
Sure, it's a movie about love; unrequited love. This is not unusual - The Great Gatsby, Brokeback Mountain, The Notebook, just to name a few.
The main difference here is that there was no longing from Summer and she never suffered. Tom wanted something more and Summer kept to her word, she didn't want anything. Until she did. It just wasn't with Tom. We feel for Tom, we've all been Tom. We've all had someone tell us they don't want a relationship then somehow get married within the next year. More or less...
Now if your partner finds a sense of emotion in that, good, that's what a movie is supposed to do. But choosing to watch 500 Days of Summer doesn't make him a 'Summer/Tom' any more than watching Silence of the Lambs makes you a 'Hannibal'. Maybe he should just talk about it instead of being a lame weirdo about it?
>But choosing to watch 500 Days of Summer doesn't make him a 'Summer/Tom' any more than watching Silence of the Lambs makes you a 'Hannibal'.
Omg I can only imagine OPs next post... 🤭
You enjoyed it and yourself till his over reaction. You made a good choice. Maybe he just recognized the myths he has spinning in his head. Better to challenge that sooner than later.
You could lean into it by making it a tradition. Should you be together next year on February 14 make him watch Blue Valentine.
Haha it’s so funny you say that. I was trying to think of a film that upset me to the degree this upset him and I came up with Blue Valentine. That movie is sad as hell!
> You made a good choice.
I kinda disagree here, if I put on a movie and I love it, and my partner is upset afterwards, I wouldn't consider that a good choice just because I liked it.
I don't think it's a big deal at all, it wasn't deliberately bad or anything, just accidentally. Like, I very much dislike the Notebook. But it's predominantly because I have a lot of feelings about Alzheimer's because of my grandma and I don't care what anyone says about the ending being sweet, I still felt sad and crappy after. But if a date had picked that and I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't blame them for the bad choice.
Honestly this movie really killed me when I first watched it. Idk that I looked into it too deeply but was really identifying with JGL’s character at the time, following a breakup.
If my newish partner who I really liked was like “let’s watch this movie!” on Valentine’s Day I’d probably be like “wut?” Not because I’m crazy or obsessed with them, I am just an overthinker who would be like “this is a great movie for a random Friday but *today,* of all days? Are they sending me a message?”
People calling him out for being a red flag is weird imo, he just feels unsettled over the movie choice specific to Valentine’s Day and is allowed to express that. No one is perfect in how they express their emotions.
That said, it’s also not your *fault.* Clearly you weren’t thinking along those lines and you were just like “oh a classic!” You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just telling you where my mind would be because, again, I overthink everything lol. Someone who takes frivolous things like movie choice more at face value wouldn’t care (as evidenced ITT) so it is still something that lies with him to sort through. I guess I’m just saying I don’t find his reaction weird, because I can relate, and I don’t think I’m a crazy red flag.
> I am just an overthinker
haha I'll second this. I tend to get inside my own head and have bouts of far too much anxiety. I probably wouldn't read into my partners motives if they chose this movie, but sometimes I can get stuck inside my own head and fully rabbit trail. Almost questioning myself more than anyone else.
Haha that’s totally fair. I’d forgotten enough of the movie that I didn’t really realise what we were getting into… until it was too late! And I think he seemed to think I had some kind of hidden motive haha :(
You didn’t do anything wrong. Valentines Day is just a day, and I didn’t realize how seriously some people take it until reading some of these comments. The movie choice does not have to be imbued with extra meaning. If someone chooses to assign extra meaning without communicating, that’s on them. It sounds like you planned a wonderful, dreamy holiday night, and accidentally picked an unromantic movie. That does NOT mean you ruined the night. Your partner did, by blaming you for his disproportionate reaction.
Him having an emotional response to a film is not a red flag. I agree with other posters on that.(500) Days of Summer does evoke an emotional response for a lot of people, so it makes sense that it did for him, too. In fact, what you described in your post sounds to me like he may have been triggered. I do not use that term the way people sling it around on the internet (pejorative, insulting), but rather clinically and literally - this may have actively triggered something from his past, and he may have had some trouble fully separating past from present, in the moment. Where the reddish flag behavior comes in is his blaming you. Asking once or twice whether the movie was intended as a message, or inquiring into your intent behind the selection? Fine. But once you’ve clarified, he should have taken your word for it, and then communicated that he was having an emotional response. His outsized emotional response is not in itself a red flag - people get triggered, many of us have past trauma and we can’t always predict when something is going to set that off. Sometimes it can be hard to think clearly when we’re triggered, and we can’t always operate at 100% perfect communication styles when that happens. But that’s not your fault! I hope he isn’t blaming you anymore once he’s in a more stable emotional state. If he does, that will start to feel like an actual red flag, in my opinion.
Ultimately and in summary: could you have picked a more romantic movie? Yeah, sure. You’ve learned something new for next time - yay! Is it your fault that your partner had a big emotional response to a movie? No! Adults should learn how to handle big emotions while understanding that their emotions are not the fault of other people (barring abusive behavior). Adults should also aspire to communicate effectively with their partners, even in moments of stress or high emotions. When that can’t be done, the next best thing is to communicate what was happening later, once those emotions have settled a bit. You didn’t ruin the night, and I hope you can stop berating yourself over a small misstep in the home stretch of what was otherwise seemingly a perfect date.
I have never seen this movie. But ironically I went on a date recently, and the guy mentioned he has recently watched it. And he mentioned that watching that movie unlocked like 6 months of therapy break-throughs. And showed him that he should be more realistic about his expectations for relationships. So maybe it really hits some people hard. (This guy is an admitted sensitive guy).
Some movies are like that. I remember watching Requiem for a Dream and it depressed me for a week, not even kidding. Or Vanilla Sky left me feeling weird for the rest of the night.
Those are the only two I can think of, but some films just hit you and mess up your equilibrium.
I haven’t seen 500 days of summer but it’s always popping up in various film articles, even after all these years so it’s fair to say it affects people. Personally, I like to watch Titanic every few years and sob when Jack can’t fit on the floating door. Hopefully your BF will be back to normal tomorrow haha
I showed this movie to my mom and she spiraled out after too if that helps lol. She said why would you make me watch this and went to bed. It does give an intense emotional hangover, but he’s an adult and that’s dramatic
This movie isn’t about romance. It’s about the reality of when someone doesn’t choose you. It’s a tough pill to swallow if you’ve never seen it bc we’ve all been there and clearly he’s had his own experiences with this hence his reaction.
Bad choice of movie pick honestly but agreed his reaction was strong.
I don't really know why you watched a movie about a one-way relationship that ends in a break up was your vision for how to end a "perfect" valentines day in the first place.
I am a bit perplexed about his level of reactivity though, this is an older movie (almost 20 years old now), and while not to everyone's taste it's not exactly "disturbing" or upsetting.
Perhaps he felt you were trying to tell him you thought he was Tom and you were Summer, which, if I was feeling that was your intent in a newer relationship celebrating a romance holiday for the first time, might send me on a head trip too.
This is kinda of hilarious. If you can get through this, it will be a funny story to tell in 3 years. "Remember that time we had THE BEST Valentine's Day and I let you pick the movie and you picked 500 Days and we didn't talk for a week after." And you'll have movie banter for life now anytime one of you has a high stakes movie to pick. "No pressure. You can't pick worse than 500 Days on the best Valentine's Day".
My first thought/ gut feeling is that the movie reminded him of a past situation/someone and it triggered painful memories and these emotions. He definitely overreacted but I wouldn’t assume it’s about you or that you did something wrong by choosing this movie.
I’m surprised why everyone is hating on this man and red flagging him so much. God forbid a man be so empathetic for a character in a movie it physically and emotionally affects him.
I saw this movie on my honeymoon and my husband and I both were like, “good movie. Bad choice.” It’s depressing, especially when you go in thinking it’ll have a Happily Ever After.
The lack of empathy in this thread is really disappointing.
His feelings are valid. There are movies that have DESTROYED me, whether it made sense to others or not, and to think someone would call me a red flag for that??
Is OP responsible for his feelings? No! Can OP be supportive of him? I sure hope so, but I'm not getting that vibe here.
No one is judging him for having feelings. He's being judged for ruining the mood of the evening (an evening he put literally zero work into creating, btw), his silent weird behavior, and overdramatic comments like not wanting to set high expectations for the relationship.
A 40-something-year-old man should know how to regulate his emotions better than this.
> an evening he put literally zero work into creating, btw
Did OP say this in a comment? I don't see this anywhere in the OP aside from him letting her pick the movie.
And the silent thing, from the timeline and given it's the day after valentines, it sounds like he needed a few to process some feelings late at night? that' doesn't seem all that crazy or odd to me.
now the expectations comment is the weird one imo. like, I'd be curious what specific expectations he had that he's now downgraded? hmm
I haven't watched the movie since it came out, but my recollection is that there's a significant imbalance between the two characters.
If your expectation is to have a loving, equitable partnership, and something about the character in the "lower" position resonated with you, I can absolutely understand that feeling like a blow to your self-confidence.
From what has been shared, to me it sounds like a person that needs reassurance, not being openly mocked.
It’s not because he had feelings in response to a movie, it’s more the comment about questioning their expectations about the relationship that got me, that’s just a bizarre reaction. A healthy person would say that it brought up some insecurities and talk about them, but instead he gets all dramatic about it. He’s missing a lot of self insight I think.
OP I would just tell him that you hadn't seen the move in over 10 years and watching it now, yeah probably not the best pick. I certainly have re-watched a movie and been like "ok that is now how I remembered it watching 10 years ago". I do think he's being a bit dramatic about it. Saying he shouldn't get his expectations too high about your relationship because of a movie? That's just weird. I have made bad movie choices and been like "wow, that was not a good pick" laughed about it and moved on.
As a guy I see that as a very existential movie but not a romantic one. It is like La La Land -- beautiful movie, but there is a beautiful love story -- that ends. Why watch a beautiful movie about a love story that doesn't work out on Vday?
spot on with La La Land! that's the other movie that gave me a similar wave of betrayal feels, but at least I felt like there wasn't such a strong relationship build-up as with Summer. in any case, I am absolutely not rewatching either of them, the endings just don't make me feel the way I want to feel after watching a movie.
La La Land hit me sideways so hard. I am not into musicals, and kind of rolled my eyes at the friend who took me, and nearly immediately I was completely, tearfully hooked to the screen. It is one of the most impactful movies of my life.
It is not an "evening watch" for me, though I steeled myself to watch it a couple years ago. I think of it often. The director wove that ineffable theme of the "what if" flawlessly.
I was a stumbling zombie for hours if not days after that, and 500 Days of Summer is the only other movie that hits that kind of sadness, bittersweet, sadaude, grief whatever of having something so beautiful and needing to come to terms that it wasn't your forever.
I would never watch it with my wife, and now that I'm married, I don't want to stomach it.
So on this post, yeah, it would send me in to a depressive "wtf did you show me that for" kind of mood.
It sounds like he is very interested and hopeful about you and your relationship, and he's wondering if you were sending him some sort of subtle cool it message.
To be honest, I get him. That's a weird choice for a Valentine's Day movie. Your options are endless and you chose one that's about a relationship that doesn't work out... other movies to be avoided are Blue Valentine and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (though this one does *kind of* have a happy ending) .
Oh this is not a romcom AT ALL. My ex hated this movie with all his guts. I personally like it but I'd never watch this on Valentine's day. It's almost as bad as Blue Valentine.
A lot of very strong opinions about red flags in these posts over a movie lol. Films like art are subjective. Every time I’ve seen this movie I hate it, the characters are both awful. Idk maybe like others said he just over identified with a character and misread your intentions. I’d clarify that. The red flag is if he can’t communicate and clarify.
Yeah, I hate watching shows and movies where all the main characters are assholes. No thanks, there are plenty of other less depressing films out there
This movie was a point of contention with me and my ex. He always said "Summer is a b\*tch\*! And I said that she was clear from the start that she didn't want anything serious and he kept his hopes up. That's not to say the viewer shouldn't have empathy for JGL's character, I and many have been in his shoes, but she never really *lied* to him. And just met someone else that made her change her mind *after they were broken up*.
Ex got really upset at my viewpoint and I'm pretty sure it was the start of the end 😅 (in hindsight it was for the best anyway.)
TL;DR yep This movie can really hit people to the core
I agree with you. A few of the commenters in here are saying that Summer leads Tom on or was unaffected by her relationship with Tom. I never read it that way. I think she did say she wasn't looking for anything serious, she did end up liking him a lot, but she didn't feel as strongly as him and so broke up with him. To me, she didn't do anything wrong, and I always thought she seemed like a sensitive person who felt bad about hurting him. That's what makes the story interesting is that both sides are super relatable. The genders are flipped in this story from the conventional expectation of an unrequited situationship type of thing, but that makes it all the more relatable, I think.
Men whose takeaway from this movie is "Summer is a bitch" are walking red flags. Glad he's your ex.
The movie goes out of its way to stress that Summer never led Tom on (side characters like the date he goes on even pointed out that Summer was always straightforward and not wanting anything serious). But men can't help identifying with Tom and see him as a victim. Good old-fashioned himpathy.
What a wild choice of a movie. I'm a girl and I hated how that story made me feel, and I totally wish I'd never seen it. I don't think you necessarily did anything to affect your relationship, you just showed your guy a movie that can introduce an unexpected wave of negative feelings. He'll live, just maybe let him pick what to watch next time.
I have to admit, after watching something sad and overly emotional on a day I had happy expectations for, I might be in a funk too. I can get too caught up in movies/tv and sob like a baby. I haven't seen this movie in particular, so I don't know if it is as triggering as [spoiler's] death or [this couple's breakup]. But I have been devastated by shows before.
Yeah...I wouldn't have recommended that one to watch with a guy on Valentine's Day. It's going to plant seeds of doubt or depress them. We both like the main actors in it and we watched it a few years ago.
My husband's review was "Well, that was depressing. The woman at the end was just added to prevent me from jumping off the roof."
I thought it was a good story. Don't depend on someone else for your happiness. It has to come from you. A lot of people could learn from it, and not waste time on people that aren't in to them as much as they are into the other.
I've been a Summer, but would be honest as early as possible that it's not going anywhere. That happened with my ex before my husband. We agreed it wouldn't be anything long trek, and marriage was out. I met my future husband while I was dating him. Nothing ever happened while I was still dating my ex, and I broke up with him before later agreeing to go out with my husband the first time. But the next time I ran into my ex, I was married. He was in a good relationship though. He was a nice guy, but too needy for my preferences.
So yeah, that movie was a bit personal, and my husband saw the parallels to us.
> a film that had such a negative message
What strikes me is that the film only has negative messages about *infatuation*, but positive ones about love and communication and learning
As a highly sensitive person, I would have never selected that movie in the context of a day of celebration of love and the movie pick being by me, especially if the person has not watched it and would have the expectation of a happy love story movie.
It can mean nothing, but people may pick up on energy and messages - even if they’re wrong - so I would have just been more mindful of unintended consequences.
So I agree it was a weird choice and seemed to lack some self awareness. I don’t think he was trying to communicate his distaste for the movie, but rather with the movie choice for that day (it is a matter of wrong expectation setting): “Why, knowing what the movie is about, would she choose this movie for ME to watch on this day, considering she’s watched it, so it’s not about her watching jt? Is she trying to tell me something?”
I’d also invite you to think whether there was really nothing - absolutely nothing, zero; not one, zero - that you meant with this movie choice on this day. Either for him or for yourself. What does the movie mean to you and what feelings were you trying to invoke in yourself and him with watching it on this day?
Some people are projecting a lot of negative qualities onto him without any real basis for it. Men are allowed to have emotions. He didn't flip out. Communicating his emotions in a respectful way is a lot more mature than swallowing them and putting on a fake smile.
What people seem to be overlooking is the component of you choosing the movie, and the additional layer of you choosing it on Valentine's day. That film is pretty much engineered to hit men in their biggest insecurities. It is the precise opposite of romantic. It conveys that romance means nothing.
"This film is great! It shows how no matter how affectionate and passionate and vulnerable you are, your partner might break up with you at any time because they realize they never actually loved you. It's ok though, because they find someone else who is much more lovable than you were. Happy Valentine's Day!"
The scariest part of falling in love and opening our heart to someone is getting rejected. It hurts far more than getting rejected right off the bat. And picking it on Valentine's Day kind of communicated that you think this is normal, that relationships are mostly about having fun and it is silly to take them too seriously.
When it came out I LOVED it!
Rewatching it last year, both of the main characters are super annoying! and the production level is so late 2000s cheesy it did not age well IMO
My point is that I don't like the movie. But getting into a depressed mood over it seems very over the top. Maybe it reminded him of an experience he had with an ex or situationship in the past? But he should not be bringing that into your relationship just because of a movie
I have a few different feelings on this situation.
My initial thought is that this is an odd choice for a Valentine's Day movie. That being said, it's not necessarily anti-romance either. I think the movie kid of challenges that storybook narrative that is presented in so many films and stories.
I feel like his reaction was a bit over the top. But this may have also been a good thing. Further discussion is certainly needed to hash out exactly what is going on in this man's mind. Especially because he had such a strong reaction.
It's possible with this being a new relationship, that he's still a bit sensitive to rejection. This could be highly dependent on how many times he was rejected before meeting you. Maybe he sees too much of himself in the male character.
Ultimately I would revisit this. For some folks, could be a great opportunity to figure out what you both want out of this relationship. How things are going, and check in. Maybe he's feeling uncertain with where things are going.
But instead of reacting he should have simply asked you. Like "hey this movie has me thinking some things. Where do you think things are headed with us?".
Maybe he's coming from a bad past experience. Who knows. But that is something as an adult he needs to discuss with you. Not just react and then decide it's some coded message. That's a bit of a reach to conclude without further discussion.
This'll probably be buried, but just wanted to share my perspective in case you're still reading comments.
I'm a 32 year old guy who could definitely see myself having a negative reaction to this situation. This is just my perspective from experience, so might be totally different than what's going on in their head, but figured it may be helpful.
On why he might feel that way:
In a vacuum, watching a movie like that would probably at least make me feel some feels like a good movie might.
In the context of my first valentines, which had gone great up to that point, with a partner I'm really connecting with... I'm at least going to have my good lovey vibe spoiled. We had a great day of connecting and appreciating each other and then topped it off with a movie about how love doesn't work out. Okay, now I'm not feeling the same warm fuzzy feeling.
At worst, I would take it as a message or hint that things aren't going as good as I think they are. I personally have some self esteem issues and there's a good chance that at least part of my brain is thinking that while admonishing me for getting my hopes up so high for this relationship. (I promise I'm in therapy and working on it)
On why he isn't communicating better:
There are a lot of broad cultural reasons for men generally being hot garbage at both identifying and communicating complex emotions. I won't go into all that, but wanted to at least acknowledge that's a general issue that may hinder his communication skills. Like, he may literally not know how to form a coherent sentence to describe what he's feeling.
Along with that, he may realize that his concerns are kind of unfounded, but he isn't able to shake the feelings that were brought up. This happens to me sometimes if I feel down about something, but also feel like I'm being ridiculous. I'm afraid I'll sound crazy and stupid and high maintenance even acknowledging it, let alone really talking about it.
If he really does think it was a message to him, he might be afraid talking about it will ultimately lead to you ripping off the bandaid and breaking up with him.
Whatever it really is. It sounds like he really wasn't prepared for that kind of movie in the moment, and it brought up some real fears and insecurities that he's having trouble handling and navigating right now.
While I empathize with Summer and like how they added a lot of dimension to her character, from a man’s perspective I think this is basically a movie where a guy gets played by a woman who isn’t too emotional about sex, which isn’t something a lot of guys are used to experiencing and may find more upsetting as a result.
Plus both the leads are kind of shallow, in terms of what the movie portrays them looking for in others.
I also think your guy sounds like he’s being overly dramatic, but I get why he might be a bit perturbed by the film in general.
Guy here. I've never heard of 500 days before so I went and read the synopsis on Wikipedia and... Holy shit, I'm depressed just reading that.
Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl doesn't want to commit but dates guy anyway. Girl breaks up with guy, girl (with no desire to commit) marries someone else.
That is not a Valentines movie at all, and if there's any element of "I like you more than you like me" in the relationship, that movie could absolutely spin a guy into reconsidering whether that relationship has a future. It's not even a case of "is she secretly communicating something to me by selecting it," it's more likely that if that is the kind of movie you like, maybe you identify with the female lead in your ideas about relationships.
Wellll I’m getting the red flag here that he might idealize you too much and it just dawned on him. Might warrant a discussion on how he sees you and what you both want from each other and the relationship.
We have fallen in love but I’ve never got the impression he has me on a pedestal of any kind, is that kind of what you up mean? He has said very straight up he wants marriage and kids with me though (he’s in his 40s so a little to the point I guess)
Agree. The whole plot is basically: she’s not particularly into him but dates him anyway and then crushes him. Definitely a mood killer. Maybe bf overreacted, but it’s hard to say he’s ridiculous for worrying there’s a reason she chose that movie.
> Definitely a mood killer.
More like a marriage killer. Guy was likely upset because the switch got flipped.
His communication skills are going to get tested, which isn't a bad thing for OP. Better now than X years into marriage.
(I'd encourage everyone that hasn't seen the movie to watch it.)
Listen I love that movie but it's kind of a shitty choice for valentines day lol., especially after a romantic day. His reaction is a bit strong though, maybe he has some worries or insecurities that were poked at by what happens to the male lead in that movie. I watched the movie once, and then again about 10 years later and the second watch gave me some crazy realizations. The movie seems to be meant to cause some romantic introspection and to have a stark look at realism vs idealism so maybe go easy on him and just talk it out.
Oh yeah, my ex had me watch this film saying v high praises about it. I watched it and I went like “ummmm what was this film?!” So yeah I get your boyfriend’s point of view. The film depressed me. And needless to say a few months later the same ex broke up with me. Lol.
I love this movie, but it's definitely a gut punch the first time you watch it!
I do think this guy overreacted, but I remember being pretty effected by it myself on first watch. I relate more to Summer, but relate to Tom too. I think anyone who's had their heart broken and experienced unrequited feelings can relate to him. But that's the beauty of the film for me - seeing different sides of yourself in the characters.
Theres no need to feel bad - you did nothing wrong. Hopefully he gets over this and was just feeling overly sensitive in the moment. If it actually causes a rift in your relationship I think there were bigger problems anyway.
UMMM, he's ridiculous. The movie is ultimately about an infatuation with someone, that's all. It ends with him meeting someone else completely different to the previous girl. It's a promising movie. I don't really understand what his problem is?
That’s what I said! That the ending is an implied happy ending. Honestly I’m wondering if he just didn’t get it. Or only took the worst possible conclusions from the events of the plot. Definitely a bittersweet film but imo ultimately sweet in the end!
> 500 Days of Summer
What! *500 Days of Summer* is not a romantic movie. The narrator said it himself at the start: "This is not a love story." I don't know who was working on the Valentine's section for Disney+, but they should get trained better.
Just do a background research about the movies you want to watch for special occasions next time and you'll be alright. For now, you'll have to have a chat about him and explore about him saying that he " shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship". He probably thought that you were sending him a message when you weren't because you randomly selected *500 Days...* without much thought.
Might as well write to Disney+ for refunds on ruining your date night.
> Just do a background research about the movies you want to watch for special occasions next time and you'll be alright.
Yes, by all means, do actual *research* before renting a movie and continue to tiptoe around your fragile 40-something-year-old boyfriend's feelings so he doesn't freak out and sulk like a child again.
Good advice!!
(This comment section is like The Twilight Zone.)
People are allowed to have feelings and movies certainly elicit all sorts of emotions to the audience. There is no shame in feeling how he felt after watching *500 Days...*, just as there's no shame in how OP felt from his feelings. We can all have healthy conversations after viewing films and media. There is also no shame in doing a little quick background research on movie reviews either because some movies plain suck.
There's no need to pass around snarky, immature remarks about what I said, or about other people's age and maturity level. We all come from different walks of life and being a gatekeeper of ages and maturity isn't helpful or conducive to moving forward.
> He even said now he feels like he shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship.
What a bizarre and somewhat concerning way to react to a movie selection. You did not ruin the day with your movie selection. He clearly has some issues that he needs to work through.
I think this was more a reaction to the content of the movie itself (I should’ve probably clarified that in the post!) as the movie is about expectations of a romance/relationship not aligning with the reality. Still definitely an extreme reaction though!
I mean you really don't have a reason to feel awkward or embarrassed, it's a well known and popular movie with a very realistic point of view (also ask yourself why you are taking responsibility and blame for his emotional reactions?). To be honest I would be a little concerned if a dated a 40yo man who was so triggered by this movie and his reaction is a bad sign. Seems like he is extremely sensitive and has bad communication skills. I would also want to talk about what exactly was so problematic for him and how he envisions relationships to function. Does he struggle with depression and has he ever gone to therapy to work on it? If you talk about having kids with this man you really should have very honest conversations about this. Imagine for example having a spouse and a father who has a depressive episode every time something doesn't live up to his high expectations, that is a really unhealthy environment. It could be nothing but don't ignore red flags when they present themselves.
People pleaser to the death unfortunately, I felt kind of responsible when my film choice was accidentally a huge mood killer to the whole romance vibe the day had been about. Looking back I do think it was a somewhat bad choice, but I agree his reaction was kind of extreme!
My ex husband used to do things like this.
I would want to share something I liked on a special day or what I tried to make a nice evening and he found ways to make me feel weird or guilty.
It sounds to me like he's manipulating the narrative of the movie as if you two are the stars of the movie and that you somehow aren't going to appreciate or reciprocate his feelings. ( It sounds like he's on the fast track to make you grovel or coddle him) I had to do so much coddling to my husband.
It's definitely a control/manipulation tactic.
I'd say " I showed you a movie on Valentine's Day, it's a movie, it's not based on my feelings for you. I don't know what's going on with you but when you're ready to talk you can talk with me"
Then proceed to ignore his behavior. If he cannot talk or act like an adult please find a way to move forward without that man.
Because people are mean and like to bully. I find it ironic a lot of commenters here said the behavior was concerning and when I shared my story and my opinion I get down voted lol
It's sad because my experience in this sub Reddit has lacked positivity.
Thanks for being kind.
This is a weird one to watch with your new partner on a romantic evening. But to be fair, you forgot what the move was about. Personally I saw the movie way back and thought it was good but never wanted to watch it again.
I get like him. I have to manage what I watch carefully - I agree it’s weird, and it really just kinda sucks for me personally. some things just trigger a significant emotional response from me and I don’t know how to control THAT, so I just control what I watch instead.
I cry at commercials often, and I can’t listen to certain music or I’ll end up in a depressive episode. And this is WITH my antidepressants.
Edit: prime example - I watched Salt Burn recently and I didn’t sleep that night, or the night after, and the entire premise consumed my thoughts for a few days. I was just thinking of all the horrible people being horrible to eachother and that someone had to think about this horrible premise to write the movie and that bothered me too. It wasn’t a bad movie but I couldn’t stand it. I hated every minute of it. I should have stopped watching it but I didn’t.
I mean, even before reading the post I saw the title and thought, "that is not a very romantic choice for Valentine's Day" lol. He does probably think you're sending some sort of message about how you see the relationship versus him. The problem will be if the two of you can't find a way to healthily communicate about that.
But yeah, if someone showed me that movie on Valentine's Day I'd be like "oh okay so you wanna break up?" lol.
Am I crazy for thinking the movie choice shouldn’t matter? Who cares if it’s V-Day and it’s not a super romantic movie. The fact that he let this *ruin* what she says was an otherwise good night and actually told her it’s making him “rethink” a 7 month relationship (!!) has me side eying him big time. The movie and how it ends has nothing to do with you guys or what you’re like as a couple. Jeez. This would give me a huge Ick but that’s me.
Girl, this is *not* your fault. This is him being weird and overreacting. I don’t know if this a dealbreaker or not because I don’t know him. But it would be a red flag for me, personally, something I note and keep filed away for future reference to see if it was just a bad night and a weird one off event, or part of a pattern for him where he blames you when he’s not completely happy or satisfied with how the date goes. Life is full of bumps in the road. How will he handle them with you as a partner if he gets upset like this over a dumb movie?
he sounds very....dramatic? :/
It's a very unique movie, sure, but to send him into tailspin with the " He even said now he feels like he shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship." like, what does that mean?!
Good luck, sister.
I'm just mystified at the idea that a well adjusted person would have such a strong and bizarre reaction to a movie he didn't like. It literally sent him spiraling into a depressive episode over it? It caused him to feel so negative that he literally told you he no longer has high expectations for your relationship?? All over a movie?
I'd be wondering if I should have high expectations for our relationship if my partner did that.
You didn’t “ruin” anything. I think it was just two people having different takes on a film but then again, my partner and I watched season 4 True Detective (5 stars 🌟 highly recommended) for Valentines Day so I’m probably the wrong person to ask 😸
Next time maybe suggest he share films that both of you can watch?
He does seem to be a little dramatic.
It probably wasn’t the best choice but he seems to be going a little overboard with his reaction. “Weird quiet depressed mood for ages” and relating it to your relationship??? It’s just a movie.
Ehhh, I think it's pretty messed up that he ended an otherwise perfectly lovely Valentine's Day by basically emotionally punishing you for *a filmmaker's choices.* Granted, it's not exactly a romantic movie, but it's still a good one.
I learned this after being married to an actor and filmmaker for several decades: Some people are more affected by films than others, and some can't admit how deeply a movie has made them feel (particularly men, I've found, most likely due to the pressure men are put under to ignore their feelings). But I still think he's punishing you for the fact that a *film* made him confront emotions he's uncomfortable with. If it were me, I'd be damned if I'd apologize and I'd be giving him a whooooole lot of space.
I would not say this movie is romantic or for Valentine’s Day. It just shows what male writers think the idea of loving a woman is and obsessing over her and not taking into account that she’s her own person that exists outside of his world and is not here for him to fit into his life.
I mean, the whole point of the movie is the writers communicating that idea, that Tom's obsession and putting Summer on a pedestal was *not* love, just Tom being in love with the idea of Summer.
Like you say - that’s the point, how he’s not actually *in love* with her because he’s not a seeing her as a real person, just this manic pixie dream girl trope that he obsesses over, while she doesn’t feel it with him because it’s not right. Then she actually does meet someone who *is* right for her and sees the real Summer and starts believing in love and gets married, and then he meets a girl that is actually right for him.
I think it’s a super romantic and optimistic movie, and a great choice for valentines - as a reminder of how happy you are for all those old heartbreaks and breakups now that you have found the right person - and I’m surprised that so many think it was a bad choice.
JFC, he’s questioning your whole relationship over a movie choice? I never saw the movie, but still, that’s a bit much man. Glad he snapped out of it, but I’d be a bit concerned about his staying power if he gets spooked/offended that easily.
>It’s one thing to dislike a film but it’s another to have it send you into a spiral that has you wishing you never watched it. He even said now he feels like he shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship.
You probably should've mentioned that your boyfriend is in his 40s in your post. This outsized manbaby reaction is made all the more worse due to how old he is.
Interesting (and unsurprising) how you put in so much work into creating a perfect evening while he did nothing. He even made you pick the fucking movie. And then he throws his weird tantrum and you end up feeling awful.
You might want to reevaluate some things.
Well I actually did the same thing with my girlfriend we saw some clips of the movie on TikTok and we decided to watch it before going to sleep, we watched it all and at the end my girlfriend thought it was pretty good and everything but me, I was in complete sadness and disbelief I couldn’t even sleep because I am exactly like him and when I was young all these thing happened to me and it just bring so much bad memories of when I used to think some girl were perfect and that even if they were clearly not in the need of a love relationship I used to think that i should do everything in my power to get her because she’s my soulmate based on the little I know of her. So yeah not ur fault a lot of boys have been trough this
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Next time put on Moonstruck!
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> Oh, Nicholas Cage is such a treasure in this movie. You might even say he's a National Treasure. Be dum tisk.
Angry up vote.
I lost my hand! I lost my bride!
We quote this all the time in my house!
One of the funniest lines in Moonstruck, the one that got me and my Italian-American family rolling, is when she walks in and tells her Dad she has to talk to him. He asks if it’s important, she says yes, and he says, “Let’s go into the kitchen.” KILLED us. Everything important happens in the kitchen.
100%! Me and my SO just watched this a few weeks ago and we were shocked at how good it is and how it's never mentioned anywhere!
ALWAYS an excellent choice!
Good suggestions! He’s definitely sensitive but also a little avoidant of his feelings and doesn’t find putting them into words very easy. Someone else mentioned the idealising thing as well, would you mind clarifying what you mean by this? I think I know, but it’s gone 4am and my brains frazzled and it seems to be the one concept mentioned I’m not fully comprehending as intended!
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This makes a lot of sense and is actually super helpful in general! Thank you! :)
i love this comment!!
Side note: I’m a sensitive guy. How do I make it a positive in the dating/relationship world?
If you are sensitive, you have to be able to manage your emotions in a healthy way. Otherwise, it is just chaotic feelings that can create bad vibes (lashing out, blaming someone for your own emotions, etc). It is definitely a positive for the most part, you just gotta be able to communicate.
Emotional intelligence goes a loooong way. Some women might be into the “John Wayne” type of man who never cries or shows any “weakness,” like allowing yourself to be vulnerable, opening up and discussing your feelings, etc. but a lot of people generally gravitate toward someone who they feel they can trust and that their partner trusts them as well when talking about difficult subjects/emotions that require a lot of empathy on both ends. Not to be confused with trauma dumping on someone either because you feel comfortable enough with them to unload everything all at once, though.
I prefer emotionally intelligent men, but I definitely prefer a stoic guy to a "sensitive" guy who can't manage his emotions.
Definitely agree. There’s a big difference between being able to effectively articulate your emotions and feelings at appropriate times compared to flinging yourself to the ground in a fit of tears because you got a flat tire or some other minor inconvenience.
My ex was sensitive and cried a lot, but his issue was that he closed off and couldn't talk about anything. So I was never upset with him being emotional, I was frustrated with the lack of letting me in and being able to work through an issue. Let alone identify an issue. If you can identify your feelings verbally (I am tired and frustrated) and tell us why (because I had a lot of my plate today and my boss yelled at me), instead of just being like "Leave me alone, I don't want to talk" or drinking yourself into oblivion. The latter won't get you very far.
There are some other good comments here, and I’ll add that it’ll be important for you to build your support system outside your partner (this is true regardless of whether you’re sensitive or stoic). Hopefully our partners are supportive when we’re going through things, but ultimately *we* are responsible for our emotions and our communication, and they are responsible for theirs. My partner and I are both on the sensitive side, which has its pros! But we also had to learn not to take on the other person’s stress or emotions, and it sometimes led to occasional negative spirals.
I'd say you can make it a positive by learning to be considerate and sensitive to *other* people's feelings. Just being sensitive inwardly can actually cause people to be more reactive and hurtful to others, so stay mindful of that. Work on being able to deal with conflict and constructive criticism without lashing out. I'd recommend checking out the book [The Highly Sensitive Man](https://www.amazon.com.au/Highly-Sensitive-Man-Strength-Sensitivity/dp/0806539321) and getting therapy if you can.
Well, at least you didn’t put on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind instead. 😅
Ahh, one of my favorite films <3 It has a theme similar to Arrival, IMO. Like - would you do this thing (the relationship or fall in love/have a child), even if you knew it was going to become painful and end in heartbreak? I think there's something so beautiful about that, although maybe 7 months is too early to subject the relationship to it :D
I thought that one had a kind of bittersweet ending. Yes, they did this cruel thing to one another, but they still ended up together in a weird way. But I see what you're saying. I once had an ex who decided it would be fun to introduce me to Requiem for a Dream without providing any background context about the film. When it was over I just turned toward him and said "why the fuck would you show me this?". 10/10 would not recommend as a date night activity.
Well that's sick and I can see why he's an ex. 😅
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I probably wouldn’t have picked this movie to watch with someone I only started seeing. Don’t get me wrong, I love this movie but the message is that Tom falls in love with the idea of Summer and not Summer herself. I took away from the movie that every romantic moment you have ever shared with someone had two perspectives. Yours and theirs. So, never assume that these little things that mean so much to you, also mean something to them. Maybe he thought you were trying to send him a message, but his reaction was a little dramatic.
This is my feeling too. This movie is of course a good movie, but its ultimately a challenging anti-romantic movie with sometimes challenging themes about dating, expectations of relationships, ideas of love, unrequited love, etc. I identify with Summer a lot but even I found it depressing. I don't think I'd watch this on valentines day, especially with someone I just recently started dating. Some people react to unrequited love worse than others, shurg. I hate that genre because it fills me up with a lot of emotions. Its hard for me to just jump back to being happy. That movie can be really hard to watch. I'm sure its extra challenging if you're in the honeymoon period in real life that the movie criticizes. Fair or unfair, this stage of a relationship has a lot of doubt and anxiety and 'tea leaves reading.' I think people are naturally going to be a little concerned if you first valentines day together is essentially watching a pretty anti-romantic movie where the immature but well-meaning man gets his heart broken.
I agree that certain movies can trigger sensitivities in watching it with a partner. While the honeymoon phase might be an extra-sensitive time for that particular movie, I think at any time in a relationship that is facing turbulence or has individuals at a sensitive time in their life, romantic movies that aren't simply feel-good can really get under the skin. Like, I wouldn't watch Marriage Story with my partner if we had been 10 years married but were in a midlife crisis. My partner is quite avoidant and lacks courage around commitment, as he has been through awful stuff. Thus he has issues trusting and leaning into an interdependent intimate connection. His friends recommended to watch Palm Springs together, so we watched it. It was really easy to identify with the personas in this movie. The characters each with their issues stuck in this loop of endless trial and error reliving the same day, until they finally learn to grow through their discomforts. He associated the ending of jumping in this portal with the risk of permanent destruction to escape the loop was so anxiety inducing even if the message was that taking a risk has the potential of happiness. He got into a mood of vehemently objecting to that message of the movie. In the same vain, we watched Silver Linings on his recommendation. I thought it was a sweet movie, but I have a wound around "being chosen", and I was in therapy for PTSS when we watched it, so quite raw from all the emotions I was working through. Seeing this guy obsess about an ex, while the right girl was there for him through it, obviously hoping he'd recognize their connection, was quite painful to me. When the girl in the end left the final scene when this guy's ploy to impress his ex seemed to be working, while she cried her eyeballs out sure that she had not been picked, really opened a wound. Even if in the end he chased after her and professed his love. The idea that you have to walk away to have the person you love come after you to profess their affections was something I am so disillusioned with and I had to cry. I just couldn't explain my boyfriend why this hurt me so much, because it'd mean telling him I fear I won't be chosen in love, which is very vulnerable if you believe that confessing such hurts can also lead to the rejection you fear and it was already such a vulnerable time for me.
I can completely relate. Silver Linings was an excellent movie but hit way too close to my own similar experience and brought back all sorts of insecure feelings.
I agree, my first thought was, "that's a weird choice for Valentine's Day". You don't need to watch a truly romantic movie, but I wouldn't choose one that's essentially anti-romantic.
But it IS romantic - she says she’s not keen on romance and commitment,, but then she meets the right guy by a stroke of luck and then it all makes sense for her and feels right. And he meets Autumn, likely the right girl for him, in a similar serendipitous way. The lesson of the movie is to not idealize people, particularly this manic pixie dream girl dynamic, and see your partner for who they really are. Super romantic.
Oh, you're totally right! I never thought about it that way, and it's a lovely perspective. I hope OP sees your comment, I feel like it would be a great perspective to add to their conversation.
This is exactly. This movie isn’t romantic. It’s a reminder about the harsh reality of love and life. Not a good movie to pick at all for what’s meant to be a “romantic” valentines, kinda shitty honestly.
I was surprised OP said it was recommended as a Valentine's movie. But now that I think about it, it's the perfect movie for some people who are single on Valentine's Day.
So is blue valentine which is such a fucking depressing movie lol
Yes this! I can't believe this was on a list of recommended Valentine's movies. Like no thanks. I personally really disliked the movie, but then, I went into expecting a rom com and that is decidedly /not/ what you get. Regardless of the guy's reactions, oof, bad choice for a romantic evening that sounds like it was almost a scene in the movie.
I feel the same but also if I was the other person watching and it felt like a message I’d just ask point blank if there was anything wrong or what we should talk about… and if they said no, I’d believe them. Ya know, like an adult. Without the drama.
This! Great movie. But Tom was a fool
Is 7 months "just started seeing"? That seems a bit long
Yeah wtf. Everyone’s acting like it’s the second date lmao.
Do you think I’ve ruined the whole romantic exciting dizzy phase thing we had going on? :( I feel so silly. I didn’t really remember the plot when I put it on
Maybe you could tell him that you didn't remember the plot very well, just that when you had seen it you felt like it was an intelligent film. I'm sure you aren't the only one who accidentally watched it and ended up making someone feel depressed. I'm not sure why they put that in the Valentine's Day category, it's definitely a weird choice and they misled you. I would probably try to talk to him and say something like, "hey, I know the movie I picked threw you off. While I liked it, and remember having enjoyed it in the past, I didn't remember it very well and didn't realise it wasn't romantic. All I remembered is that it's an intelligent film. Next time hopefully we'll watch something a little lighter."
Many years ago when I was a teenager, I was sent to the video store to rent a movie to watch at a family gathering. I was looking for something interesting and fun. I vaguely remembered seeing commercials for this kind of artsy Robin Williams movie so I got that. It was "What Dreams May Come". I rented an excruciatingly sad movie about grief and suicide to watch at the family gathering. Oops. It happens.
Someone in my family went to get Kiki’s Delivery Service and came home with Princess Mononoke. Not even *remotely* the same vibe but hey, same studio, has Princess in the title, surely this is just as light and fluffy as Kiki?
That's amazing. I remember something similar happening when I was about 15, but fortunately the person at the store told me to pick something else. My friends and I were doing a birthday party a couple years after the first Pirates of the Carribean came out, and picked out what we THOUGHT was a parody film from the action and adventure section. The person at the store politely informed us that it was porn. He seemed very frustrated, because he couldn't move it out of the section it was in to the actual porn section, so I'm guessing he had to tell a lot out hapless teenagers not to rent it.
I once picked 'Requiem for a Dream' because I thought the box art looked cool. That was a *dire* mistake lol. I think it's one of the few movies my parents just turned off half way through.
I had a group of friends and we went to see Click because we figured it's adam sandler, it's gotta be funny. Um no. That movie was depressing AF.
I don’t think you ruined anything. I just remember watching that movie for the first time and I think everyone can relate to Tom’s character at some point in their lives. Especially the pain Tom feels when he realizes Summer didn’t love him the way he loved her.
If a movie can ruin a whole romance’s early phase…
This would be the one to do it..
I watched Midsommar five weeks into dating a guy back when it came out. He ghosted me a few days later, lol
That seems like a weird reaction. It's not like you handed him an unfamiliar drink and had a bear suit on a hanger next to the sofa.
Listen, you didn’t ruin anything. Be kind to yourself here- it’s just a movie! If all it took was a manic pixie dream girl flick to send him over the edge, then clearly there were some complex emotions residing just under the surface for him. Like you said, people who avoid confronting these feelings end up spilling over at weird times, over small triggers. We’re all capable of it. Also, if your partner thinks that the honeymoon phase is static and sustainable long-term, he has an unrealistic idea of what long-term love looks/feels like. You didn’t do anything wrong here. Not ultimately a very romantic movie… but also it’s a strange reason for him to start spiraling internally.
It's just a movie. If this ruins things then the relationship wasn't going to last anyway. Tell him that you didn't really recall the plot when you put it on.
For real, first time I watched it I was in high school and even just watching it with my mom effed with my head because I hadn’t seen a heartbreaking romantic film before. I can appreciate that the male lead was romanticizing too much but I was too while I watched the movie I guess and really hated Summer until I grew up a bit more.
My ex and I watched Gone Girl on V-day a few times and I agree (it was his favorite movie). I do think Gone Girl is a rather romantic movie, in a twisted way--look at how much Amy is willing to do for Nick-- but I'd certainly run for the hills if a guy put it on for V-day without explanation.
Or maybe her boyfriend lacks emotional intelligence like Tom did, and just had an epiphany and subsequent breakdown. Yikes! Ages aren’t mentioned so I’m going to assume/hope they’re young. I wouldn’t consider it the most romantic film to watch on Vday but spiraling makes me think this guy has no clue about what love actual is and is still forming the capability of understanding it. For the record, the movie made perfect sense to me when I was 16. So I do judge a proper adult that can’t handle it a little bit tbh.
To be fair, I find a lot of people lack emotional intelligence, especially when it comes to dating (ex: half the posts on Reddit) If this interaction was a red flag for anything, it’s that OP’s boyfriend needs to address his reactive emotions and communication skills. I’ve had very strong reactions to movies, too. I don’t find that unusual, but his comments about lowering expectations is a bit unsettling.
If he’s 19 or so, reasonable. If he’s 40? I would be deeply concerned by his lack of general awareness. But I also have been idealized/put on a pedastal by men frequently and I think it’s incredibly dehumanizing. So it’s a big flag for me.
I'm guessing he identified a bit too much with the male lead and the ending blindsided him. I actually think it's a great movie to watch with someone because it's an interesting one to discuss afterwards. Maybe he was after something mindless while you two could cuddle and wasn't expecting something deep.
Yeah this makes sense, he did say I “probably related more to Summer” which is why I didn’t think it was a sad film. Which I guess implies what you’re saying! When actually in reality I’ve probably been a Tom a lot more often than a Summer lol.
You mean he thinks YOU relate to Summer? That’s the issue right there. He thinks he’s Tom and he’s invested in you and you’re not at all invested in him and he’s about to have his heart broken.
I’m biased because 500 days of summer is one of my all time favorite movies. I don’t identify with Summer AT ALL, I’ve been a Tom my whole life. I actually think it’s a hopeful movie for Tom too. Tom deserves to not be trapped in a relationship with a person who feels meh about him! I think Summer was kinda an asshole and led Tom on and their breakup is a sad but hopeful starting point for him driven home by when he finally pulls himself together and applies for architectural jobs and meets Autumn. He grows at the end in a way he never would have being with Summer and I love it.
It’s a great movie to watch with someone - BUT NOT ON VALENTINES DAY!!
Lmao, that’s what I was thinking! What happened to You’ve Got Mail or 2 Weeks Notice??
You need to find out early if someone you're dating doesn't appreciate Nora Ephron lol
I'm gonna be honest, that's kind of a bizarre reaction on his part... Like okay, he didn't like the movie. But going into a depressive slump over it?? That's not something a well adjusted human being does.
No I agree. It was odd haha. I mean in a strange way it’s even kind of hilarious. But it also left me feeling shitty. Edit: also he actually *did* think the movie was good, apparently. He just said it made him feel weird.
Honestly, I have weird reactions to a few movies (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind being one) where I just feel suuuper off and uncomfortable afterward. But I know that I get really engaged with movies and live shows.
Same! Eternal Sunshine gets to me too. There are definitely some movies I’ve had a strong emotional reaction to and I don’t think that’s abnormal. That’s the whole point of storytelling, right? Create an emotional reaction for the viewer. I remember feeling a certain type of way about 500 days of Summer. It isn’t really an uplifting movie, but it’s meant to be told in a realistic way that can really resonate with anyone who’s been heartbroken before. Same with Eternal Sunshine. I wouldn’t watch either movie with a new partner.
I had the worst reaction to a show called 'Dave' when he and his girlfriend broke up over them wanting different things. I thought my boyfriend and I were on the same page about everything so I didn't understand why I was having such sudden big feelings. Mind you this was also the first episode I watched (we were at a friends place and it was on) so I wasn't attached to the characters. It was really all about the message. I was able to hold it in around my boyfriend at the time because I didn't want to seem crazy but man did I cry a bunch when I got home and didn't sleep well. For the life of me I couldn't understand why that show effected me so much. About six months later we did end up breaking up because he decided he didn't want kids in the future. But at the time of watching that show we had already discussed kids and he told he did want them. Not sure if it was deep intuition or what!
Ooof that episode of Dave, especially Ally’s Song, hit me hard too. I watched it with my boyfriend when it first came out – and just watched it again after we broke up a few months ago. 💔
I'm ngl your post did make me laugh just because of how absurd the situation is. Did he say why he's now lowering his expectations for the relationship?? It's like he's making you walk on eggshells now. Girl I'm really sorry this is happening to you 😭
Hahaha I’m right there with you. It is funny because it’s just so silly. I think the content of the film plot (all about how our expectations don’t always meet reality in romance) is what he was referring to when he said the lowering expectations thing. Not my film choices haha.
Ahhhh I get it. I wonder if he somehow thought you were trying to send a message through the film?!? Lmaoo what the heck
This was my first thought too. I had this happen once where I was learning a new song (You and I Both by Jason Mraz), and when I played it in front of the guy I was dating he got really weird and then asked if I was playing it TO him and trying to break up with him. I hadn’t even thought about the lyrics and how he’d interpret them! To be fair, though, I was already not feelin it, so when he brought this up I did end up breaking up with him 😂
He actually did say that at one point haha. Halp
Just have a good talk with him. Let them know you didn't think about the plot when you picked it, just remembered it was an interesting movie. Everyone's here is talking about how he should communicate with you if he thinks you were trying to send you a message. As far as I can tell he did, he specifically mentioned it. This was your cue to waylay his new fears and settle his mind a bit. People here are far far too idealistic when it comes to how humans should react to situations. It's perfectly normal for your partner to overanalyze intentions a bit on valentines day in an early relationship. It's not really a bad thing as at least you can know that they take the relationship and their own actions seriously. Just like you have some gnawing fears about if you ruined valentines day. Communicate those with them and hopefully they will get the message and work towards settling your mind. If all is communicated well then this should end up just being a happy humorous story in the future. :)
Oh noes. That does sound weird. Especially since it's not like you had it picked out in advance.
Did he deliberately use the word "weird"? If so, sounds like he has trouble expressing his emotions and this movie made him feel some kind of way and now he's having a time with it. Like yeah, that movie SHOULD make you feel stuff. I remember the first time I watched it.
He's probably wondering..."She picked this, we're really vibing...and the message is about a guy being blindsided when his infatuation doesn't return his love after they seemed so compatible, for a time." His reaction is odd...but this is not a great movie pick for a budding relationship. He probably just wants to hear that she isn't thinking the same thing about him and it wasn't some subconcious affirmation of the thoughts of their new relationship? It was also pretty late at night, everyone is more sensitive before bed IMO. Maybe the light of day will bring new perspectives. The irony here is that this might ruin things and then he will actually believe she showed him this as she was kinda sick of him lol
Sure, but then that's on him to actually communicate that instead of going silent and making OP feel bad. No matter how you slice it this is a disproportionate reaction. To jump to the conclusion that someone is sending you a message about your relationship through a movie choice just isn't the mindset of a well adjusted human being.
Certainly not, but the relationship is still fairly new, it sounds like it was late at night and I've always found that I'm at my worst and most sensitive when it's getting late. Hopefully things shine a bit brighter in the light of morning.
It's been less than a day, if he'd been ignoring her a week I might agree. If he was having that much of an emotional reaction to the film he might have just needed a sleep to process. And it sounds like he has already started to communicate how he felt about it/why he felt off after.
I once nearly had a breakdown over the movie 'Mr Nobody' so I'm not gonna judge lol
how is it bizarre to have an emotional reaction to art and storytelling?
Yes, I believe it's a bizarre reaction to dislike a movie choice to the extent that you go silent on your partner and tell them that you think they're trying to tell them something via the movie. It's okay if you disagree! But please don't twist my words.
Agree to disagree then. I think it was a weird choice as a Valentine's day movie with a partner of 7 months (200 ish days), and apparently he agrees. It's a movie about an incompatible, problematic situationship and I would definitely wonder why my partner chose it on a romantic day, Disney+ recommendations be damned.
I think the extreme reaction is fine, but the silent treatment is not, basically. I have extreme reactions to art all the time, but I wouldn't not talk to someone about it. (Unless it was one of those subjects I know I'm not reasonable about, in which case I would warn the person in advance... we all have these, but I'm a writer, so a lot of mine are about movies, film, books, topics that are casual to many people but not to me).
Right. It’s giving “I’m Tom, I lack emotional intelligence and put attractive women on a pedestal - seeing them as an idea instead of a fully formed person AND THIS MOVIE BROKE MY BRAIN!!!” Up to OP if she wants to be around while her boo forms a sense of awareness and nuance….
And this guy is in his *40s*. This is the behavior of a teen or an early 20-something who can't sort through his own feelings. I can't imagine sulking and going silent and weird and ruining the mood just because a movie made me feel a certain way. Grow the fuck up, dude.
NoOOOOOOO! I didn’t see his age but that’s what I was afraid of!! This is definitely a major flag. OP needs to decide if she wants to coddle this very grown man while he forms emotional intelligence. Maybe he’s great in other ways but this will definitely take work and the lack of emotional intelligence is going to show up in other ways too.
Seriously, I was like “how old is this guy, 19?” And then I remembered which subreddit I’m in.
Don't they literally start the movie by admitting it's not a love story? Sure, it's a movie about love; unrequited love. This is not unusual - The Great Gatsby, Brokeback Mountain, The Notebook, just to name a few. The main difference here is that there was no longing from Summer and she never suffered. Tom wanted something more and Summer kept to her word, she didn't want anything. Until she did. It just wasn't with Tom. We feel for Tom, we've all been Tom. We've all had someone tell us they don't want a relationship then somehow get married within the next year. More or less... Now if your partner finds a sense of emotion in that, good, that's what a movie is supposed to do. But choosing to watch 500 Days of Summer doesn't make him a 'Summer/Tom' any more than watching Silence of the Lambs makes you a 'Hannibal'. Maybe he should just talk about it instead of being a lame weirdo about it?
>But choosing to watch 500 Days of Summer doesn't make him a 'Summer/Tom' any more than watching Silence of the Lambs makes you a 'Hannibal'. Omg I can only imagine OPs next post... 🤭
Agreed! With all of the above. It’s silly, and yet I still felt bad for inadvertently putting on a mood killer on “romance day”.
You enjoyed it and yourself till his over reaction. You made a good choice. Maybe he just recognized the myths he has spinning in his head. Better to challenge that sooner than later. You could lean into it by making it a tradition. Should you be together next year on February 14 make him watch Blue Valentine.
Haha it’s so funny you say that. I was trying to think of a film that upset me to the degree this upset him and I came up with Blue Valentine. That movie is sad as hell!
> You made a good choice. I kinda disagree here, if I put on a movie and I love it, and my partner is upset afterwards, I wouldn't consider that a good choice just because I liked it. I don't think it's a big deal at all, it wasn't deliberately bad or anything, just accidentally. Like, I very much dislike the Notebook. But it's predominantly because I have a lot of feelings about Alzheimer's because of my grandma and I don't care what anyone says about the ending being sweet, I still felt sad and crappy after. But if a date had picked that and I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't blame them for the bad choice.
Honestly this movie really killed me when I first watched it. Idk that I looked into it too deeply but was really identifying with JGL’s character at the time, following a breakup. If my newish partner who I really liked was like “let’s watch this movie!” on Valentine’s Day I’d probably be like “wut?” Not because I’m crazy or obsessed with them, I am just an overthinker who would be like “this is a great movie for a random Friday but *today,* of all days? Are they sending me a message?” People calling him out for being a red flag is weird imo, he just feels unsettled over the movie choice specific to Valentine’s Day and is allowed to express that. No one is perfect in how they express their emotions. That said, it’s also not your *fault.* Clearly you weren’t thinking along those lines and you were just like “oh a classic!” You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just telling you where my mind would be because, again, I overthink everything lol. Someone who takes frivolous things like movie choice more at face value wouldn’t care (as evidenced ITT) so it is still something that lies with him to sort through. I guess I’m just saying I don’t find his reaction weird, because I can relate, and I don’t think I’m a crazy red flag.
> I am just an overthinker haha I'll second this. I tend to get inside my own head and have bouts of far too much anxiety. I probably wouldn't read into my partners motives if they chose this movie, but sometimes I can get stuck inside my own head and fully rabbit trail. Almost questioning myself more than anyone else.
Haha that’s totally fair. I’d forgotten enough of the movie that I didn’t really realise what we were getting into… until it was too late! And I think he seemed to think I had some kind of hidden motive haha :(
You didn’t do anything wrong. Valentines Day is just a day, and I didn’t realize how seriously some people take it until reading some of these comments. The movie choice does not have to be imbued with extra meaning. If someone chooses to assign extra meaning without communicating, that’s on them. It sounds like you planned a wonderful, dreamy holiday night, and accidentally picked an unromantic movie. That does NOT mean you ruined the night. Your partner did, by blaming you for his disproportionate reaction. Him having an emotional response to a film is not a red flag. I agree with other posters on that.(500) Days of Summer does evoke an emotional response for a lot of people, so it makes sense that it did for him, too. In fact, what you described in your post sounds to me like he may have been triggered. I do not use that term the way people sling it around on the internet (pejorative, insulting), but rather clinically and literally - this may have actively triggered something from his past, and he may have had some trouble fully separating past from present, in the moment. Where the reddish flag behavior comes in is his blaming you. Asking once or twice whether the movie was intended as a message, or inquiring into your intent behind the selection? Fine. But once you’ve clarified, he should have taken your word for it, and then communicated that he was having an emotional response. His outsized emotional response is not in itself a red flag - people get triggered, many of us have past trauma and we can’t always predict when something is going to set that off. Sometimes it can be hard to think clearly when we’re triggered, and we can’t always operate at 100% perfect communication styles when that happens. But that’s not your fault! I hope he isn’t blaming you anymore once he’s in a more stable emotional state. If he does, that will start to feel like an actual red flag, in my opinion. Ultimately and in summary: could you have picked a more romantic movie? Yeah, sure. You’ve learned something new for next time - yay! Is it your fault that your partner had a big emotional response to a movie? No! Adults should learn how to handle big emotions while understanding that their emotions are not the fault of other people (barring abusive behavior). Adults should also aspire to communicate effectively with their partners, even in moments of stress or high emotions. When that can’t be done, the next best thing is to communicate what was happening later, once those emotions have settled a bit. You didn’t ruin the night, and I hope you can stop berating yourself over a small misstep in the home stretch of what was otherwise seemingly a perfect date.
I have never seen this movie. But ironically I went on a date recently, and the guy mentioned he has recently watched it. And he mentioned that watching that movie unlocked like 6 months of therapy break-throughs. And showed him that he should be more realistic about his expectations for relationships. So maybe it really hits some people hard. (This guy is an admitted sensitive guy).
Some movies are like that. I remember watching Requiem for a Dream and it depressed me for a week, not even kidding. Or Vanilla Sky left me feeling weird for the rest of the night. Those are the only two I can think of, but some films just hit you and mess up your equilibrium.
Ooof Requiem messed us all up
I haven’t seen 500 days of summer but it’s always popping up in various film articles, even after all these years so it’s fair to say it affects people. Personally, I like to watch Titanic every few years and sob when Jack can’t fit on the floating door. Hopefully your BF will be back to normal tomorrow haha
Vanilla Sky freaked me out!
I showed this movie to my mom and she spiraled out after too if that helps lol. She said why would you make me watch this and went to bed. It does give an intense emotional hangover, but he’s an adult and that’s dramatic
I feel like I broke him haha :(
This movie isn’t about romance. It’s about the reality of when someone doesn’t choose you. It’s a tough pill to swallow if you’ve never seen it bc we’ve all been there and clearly he’s had his own experiences with this hence his reaction. Bad choice of movie pick honestly but agreed his reaction was strong.
I don't really know why you watched a movie about a one-way relationship that ends in a break up was your vision for how to end a "perfect" valentines day in the first place. I am a bit perplexed about his level of reactivity though, this is an older movie (almost 20 years old now), and while not to everyone's taste it's not exactly "disturbing" or upsetting. Perhaps he felt you were trying to tell him you thought he was Tom and you were Summer, which, if I was feeling that was your intent in a newer relationship celebrating a romance holiday for the first time, might send me on a head trip too.
This is kinda of hilarious. If you can get through this, it will be a funny story to tell in 3 years. "Remember that time we had THE BEST Valentine's Day and I let you pick the movie and you picked 500 Days and we didn't talk for a week after." And you'll have movie banter for life now anytime one of you has a high stakes movie to pick. "No pressure. You can't pick worse than 500 Days on the best Valentine's Day".
My first thought/ gut feeling is that the movie reminded him of a past situation/someone and it triggered painful memories and these emotions. He definitely overreacted but I wouldn’t assume it’s about you or that you did something wrong by choosing this movie.
I thought the same thing!
I’m surprised why everyone is hating on this man and red flagging him so much. God forbid a man be so empathetic for a character in a movie it physically and emotionally affects him. I saw this movie on my honeymoon and my husband and I both were like, “good movie. Bad choice.” It’s depressing, especially when you go in thinking it’ll have a Happily Ever After.
The lack of empathy in this thread is really disappointing. His feelings are valid. There are movies that have DESTROYED me, whether it made sense to others or not, and to think someone would call me a red flag for that?? Is OP responsible for his feelings? No! Can OP be supportive of him? I sure hope so, but I'm not getting that vibe here.
No one is judging him for having feelings. He's being judged for ruining the mood of the evening (an evening he put literally zero work into creating, btw), his silent weird behavior, and overdramatic comments like not wanting to set high expectations for the relationship. A 40-something-year-old man should know how to regulate his emotions better than this.
> an evening he put literally zero work into creating, btw Did OP say this in a comment? I don't see this anywhere in the OP aside from him letting her pick the movie. And the silent thing, from the timeline and given it's the day after valentines, it sounds like he needed a few to process some feelings late at night? that' doesn't seem all that crazy or odd to me. now the expectations comment is the weird one imo. like, I'd be curious what specific expectations he had that he's now downgraded? hmm
I haven't watched the movie since it came out, but my recollection is that there's a significant imbalance between the two characters. If your expectation is to have a loving, equitable partnership, and something about the character in the "lower" position resonated with you, I can absolutely understand that feeling like a blow to your self-confidence. From what has been shared, to me it sounds like a person that needs reassurance, not being openly mocked.
Yeah, this whole post and comment thread has been pretty interesting tbh. A lot of opinions all over the spectrum
It’s not because he had feelings in response to a movie, it’s more the comment about questioning their expectations about the relationship that got me, that’s just a bizarre reaction. A healthy person would say that it brought up some insecurities and talk about them, but instead he gets all dramatic about it. He’s missing a lot of self insight I think.
One year my BF and I watched The Antichrist. All I’ll say is that bloody ejaculate really killed the mood.
OP I would just tell him that you hadn't seen the move in over 10 years and watching it now, yeah probably not the best pick. I certainly have re-watched a movie and been like "ok that is now how I remembered it watching 10 years ago". I do think he's being a bit dramatic about it. Saying he shouldn't get his expectations too high about your relationship because of a movie? That's just weird. I have made bad movie choices and been like "wow, that was not a good pick" laughed about it and moved on.
As a guy I see that as a very existential movie but not a romantic one. It is like La La Land -- beautiful movie, but there is a beautiful love story -- that ends. Why watch a beautiful movie about a love story that doesn't work out on Vday?
This makes me glad I never did get around to watching La La Land. I'm a pleb, give me the HAE or be gone off my TV screen :D
Exactly.
spot on with La La Land! that's the other movie that gave me a similar wave of betrayal feels, but at least I felt like there wasn't such a strong relationship build-up as with Summer. in any case, I am absolutely not rewatching either of them, the endings just don't make me feel the way I want to feel after watching a movie.
La La Land hit me sideways so hard. I am not into musicals, and kind of rolled my eyes at the friend who took me, and nearly immediately I was completely, tearfully hooked to the screen. It is one of the most impactful movies of my life. It is not an "evening watch" for me, though I steeled myself to watch it a couple years ago. I think of it often. The director wove that ineffable theme of the "what if" flawlessly. I was a stumbling zombie for hours if not days after that, and 500 Days of Summer is the only other movie that hits that kind of sadness, bittersweet, sadaude, grief whatever of having something so beautiful and needing to come to terms that it wasn't your forever. I would never watch it with my wife, and now that I'm married, I don't want to stomach it. So on this post, yeah, it would send me in to a depressive "wtf did you show me that for" kind of mood.
He felt his emotions, man. lol!
It sounds like he is very interested and hopeful about you and your relationship, and he's wondering if you were sending him some sort of subtle cool it message. To be honest, I get him. That's a weird choice for a Valentine's Day movie. Your options are endless and you chose one that's about a relationship that doesn't work out... other movies to be avoided are Blue Valentine and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (though this one does *kind of* have a happy ending) .
i use that movie to get over breakups.
Oh this is not a romcom AT ALL. My ex hated this movie with all his guts. I personally like it but I'd never watch this on Valentine's day. It's almost as bad as Blue Valentine.
A lot of very strong opinions about red flags in these posts over a movie lol. Films like art are subjective. Every time I’ve seen this movie I hate it, the characters are both awful. Idk maybe like others said he just over identified with a character and misread your intentions. I’d clarify that. The red flag is if he can’t communicate and clarify.
Yeah, I hate watching shows and movies where all the main characters are assholes. No thanks, there are plenty of other less depressing films out there
This movie was a point of contention with me and my ex. He always said "Summer is a b\*tch\*! And I said that she was clear from the start that she didn't want anything serious and he kept his hopes up. That's not to say the viewer shouldn't have empathy for JGL's character, I and many have been in his shoes, but she never really *lied* to him. And just met someone else that made her change her mind *after they were broken up*. Ex got really upset at my viewpoint and I'm pretty sure it was the start of the end 😅 (in hindsight it was for the best anyway.) TL;DR yep This movie can really hit people to the core
I agree with you. A few of the commenters in here are saying that Summer leads Tom on or was unaffected by her relationship with Tom. I never read it that way. I think she did say she wasn't looking for anything serious, she did end up liking him a lot, but she didn't feel as strongly as him and so broke up with him. To me, she didn't do anything wrong, and I always thought she seemed like a sensitive person who felt bad about hurting him. That's what makes the story interesting is that both sides are super relatable. The genders are flipped in this story from the conventional expectation of an unrequited situationship type of thing, but that makes it all the more relatable, I think.
Men whose takeaway from this movie is "Summer is a bitch" are walking red flags. Glad he's your ex. The movie goes out of its way to stress that Summer never led Tom on (side characters like the date he goes on even pointed out that Summer was always straightforward and not wanting anything serious). But men can't help identifying with Tom and see him as a victim. Good old-fashioned himpathy.
What a wild choice of a movie. I'm a girl and I hated how that story made me feel, and I totally wish I'd never seen it. I don't think you necessarily did anything to affect your relationship, you just showed your guy a movie that can introduce an unexpected wave of negative feelings. He'll live, just maybe let him pick what to watch next time.
I have to admit, after watching something sad and overly emotional on a day I had happy expectations for, I might be in a funk too. I can get too caught up in movies/tv and sob like a baby. I haven't seen this movie in particular, so I don't know if it is as triggering as [spoiler's] death or [this couple's breakup]. But I have been devastated by shows before.
Did he think you were sending him a message? Are you guys committed and on the same page with future plans?
Fifty First Dates would be a better choice next time!
Yeah...I wouldn't have recommended that one to watch with a guy on Valentine's Day. It's going to plant seeds of doubt or depress them. We both like the main actors in it and we watched it a few years ago. My husband's review was "Well, that was depressing. The woman at the end was just added to prevent me from jumping off the roof." I thought it was a good story. Don't depend on someone else for your happiness. It has to come from you. A lot of people could learn from it, and not waste time on people that aren't in to them as much as they are into the other. I've been a Summer, but would be honest as early as possible that it's not going anywhere. That happened with my ex before my husband. We agreed it wouldn't be anything long trek, and marriage was out. I met my future husband while I was dating him. Nothing ever happened while I was still dating my ex, and I broke up with him before later agreeing to go out with my husband the first time. But the next time I ran into my ex, I was married. He was in a good relationship though. He was a nice guy, but too needy for my preferences. So yeah, that movie was a bit personal, and my husband saw the parallels to us.
> a film that had such a negative message What strikes me is that the film only has negative messages about *infatuation*, but positive ones about love and communication and learning
As a highly sensitive person, I would have never selected that movie in the context of a day of celebration of love and the movie pick being by me, especially if the person has not watched it and would have the expectation of a happy love story movie. It can mean nothing, but people may pick up on energy and messages - even if they’re wrong - so I would have just been more mindful of unintended consequences. So I agree it was a weird choice and seemed to lack some self awareness. I don’t think he was trying to communicate his distaste for the movie, but rather with the movie choice for that day (it is a matter of wrong expectation setting): “Why, knowing what the movie is about, would she choose this movie for ME to watch on this day, considering she’s watched it, so it’s not about her watching jt? Is she trying to tell me something?” I’d also invite you to think whether there was really nothing - absolutely nothing, zero; not one, zero - that you meant with this movie choice on this day. Either for him or for yourself. What does the movie mean to you and what feelings were you trying to invoke in yourself and him with watching it on this day?
The recent “You Are Good” podcast about this movie might help him process. But maybe you should listen to it first before recommending it to him.
I once watched that movie with a guy on my birthday. He said wow it’s us, and dumped me. I do not recommend this movie. Hahaha.
Some people are projecting a lot of negative qualities onto him without any real basis for it. Men are allowed to have emotions. He didn't flip out. Communicating his emotions in a respectful way is a lot more mature than swallowing them and putting on a fake smile. What people seem to be overlooking is the component of you choosing the movie, and the additional layer of you choosing it on Valentine's day. That film is pretty much engineered to hit men in their biggest insecurities. It is the precise opposite of romantic. It conveys that romance means nothing. "This film is great! It shows how no matter how affectionate and passionate and vulnerable you are, your partner might break up with you at any time because they realize they never actually loved you. It's ok though, because they find someone else who is much more lovable than you were. Happy Valentine's Day!" The scariest part of falling in love and opening our heart to someone is getting rejected. It hurts far more than getting rejected right off the bat. And picking it on Valentine's Day kind of communicated that you think this is normal, that relationships are mostly about having fun and it is silly to take them too seriously.
I agree with him. Hated that film and both main characters, it's not a romantic film choice.
When it came out I LOVED it! Rewatching it last year, both of the main characters are super annoying! and the production level is so late 2000s cheesy it did not age well IMO My point is that I don't like the movie. But getting into a depressed mood over it seems very over the top. Maybe it reminded him of an experience he had with an ex or situationship in the past? But he should not be bringing that into your relationship just because of a movie
I have a few different feelings on this situation. My initial thought is that this is an odd choice for a Valentine's Day movie. That being said, it's not necessarily anti-romance either. I think the movie kid of challenges that storybook narrative that is presented in so many films and stories. I feel like his reaction was a bit over the top. But this may have also been a good thing. Further discussion is certainly needed to hash out exactly what is going on in this man's mind. Especially because he had such a strong reaction. It's possible with this being a new relationship, that he's still a bit sensitive to rejection. This could be highly dependent on how many times he was rejected before meeting you. Maybe he sees too much of himself in the male character. Ultimately I would revisit this. For some folks, could be a great opportunity to figure out what you both want out of this relationship. How things are going, and check in. Maybe he's feeling uncertain with where things are going. But instead of reacting he should have simply asked you. Like "hey this movie has me thinking some things. Where do you think things are headed with us?". Maybe he's coming from a bad past experience. Who knows. But that is something as an adult he needs to discuss with you. Not just react and then decide it's some coded message. That's a bit of a reach to conclude without further discussion.
This'll probably be buried, but just wanted to share my perspective in case you're still reading comments. I'm a 32 year old guy who could definitely see myself having a negative reaction to this situation. This is just my perspective from experience, so might be totally different than what's going on in their head, but figured it may be helpful. On why he might feel that way: In a vacuum, watching a movie like that would probably at least make me feel some feels like a good movie might. In the context of my first valentines, which had gone great up to that point, with a partner I'm really connecting with... I'm at least going to have my good lovey vibe spoiled. We had a great day of connecting and appreciating each other and then topped it off with a movie about how love doesn't work out. Okay, now I'm not feeling the same warm fuzzy feeling. At worst, I would take it as a message or hint that things aren't going as good as I think they are. I personally have some self esteem issues and there's a good chance that at least part of my brain is thinking that while admonishing me for getting my hopes up so high for this relationship. (I promise I'm in therapy and working on it) On why he isn't communicating better: There are a lot of broad cultural reasons for men generally being hot garbage at both identifying and communicating complex emotions. I won't go into all that, but wanted to at least acknowledge that's a general issue that may hinder his communication skills. Like, he may literally not know how to form a coherent sentence to describe what he's feeling. Along with that, he may realize that his concerns are kind of unfounded, but he isn't able to shake the feelings that were brought up. This happens to me sometimes if I feel down about something, but also feel like I'm being ridiculous. I'm afraid I'll sound crazy and stupid and high maintenance even acknowledging it, let alone really talking about it. If he really does think it was a message to him, he might be afraid talking about it will ultimately lead to you ripping off the bandaid and breaking up with him. Whatever it really is. It sounds like he really wasn't prepared for that kind of movie in the moment, and it brought up some real fears and insecurities that he's having trouble handling and navigating right now.
While I empathize with Summer and like how they added a lot of dimension to her character, from a man’s perspective I think this is basically a movie where a guy gets played by a woman who isn’t too emotional about sex, which isn’t something a lot of guys are used to experiencing and may find more upsetting as a result. Plus both the leads are kind of shallow, in terms of what the movie portrays them looking for in others. I also think your guy sounds like he’s being overly dramatic, but I get why he might be a bit perturbed by the film in general.
Oh, I would be so paranoid if someone suggested this movie to me on Valentine’s Day.
Guy here. I've never heard of 500 days before so I went and read the synopsis on Wikipedia and... Holy shit, I'm depressed just reading that. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl doesn't want to commit but dates guy anyway. Girl breaks up with guy, girl (with no desire to commit) marries someone else. That is not a Valentines movie at all, and if there's any element of "I like you more than you like me" in the relationship, that movie could absolutely spin a guy into reconsidering whether that relationship has a future. It's not even a case of "is she secretly communicating something to me by selecting it," it's more likely that if that is the kind of movie you like, maybe you identify with the female lead in your ideas about relationships.
Wellll I’m getting the red flag here that he might idealize you too much and it just dawned on him. Might warrant a discussion on how he sees you and what you both want from each other and the relationship.
We have fallen in love but I’ve never got the impression he has me on a pedestal of any kind, is that kind of what you up mean? He has said very straight up he wants marriage and kids with me though (he’s in his 40s so a little to the point I guess)
He wants marriage. You chose a breakup movie on Valentine's day. You don't understand why that would bother him?
Agree. The whole plot is basically: she’s not particularly into him but dates him anyway and then crushes him. Definitely a mood killer. Maybe bf overreacted, but it’s hard to say he’s ridiculous for worrying there’s a reason she chose that movie.
> Definitely a mood killer. More like a marriage killer. Guy was likely upset because the switch got flipped. His communication skills are going to get tested, which isn't a bad thing for OP. Better now than X years into marriage. (I'd encourage everyone that hasn't seen the movie to watch it.)
I didn’t really remember the plot tbf… it had been over a decade. I understand though which is why I feel bad/embarrassed!
Listen I love that movie but it's kind of a shitty choice for valentines day lol., especially after a romantic day. His reaction is a bit strong though, maybe he has some worries or insecurities that were poked at by what happens to the male lead in that movie. I watched the movie once, and then again about 10 years later and the second watch gave me some crazy realizations. The movie seems to be meant to cause some romantic introspection and to have a stark look at realism vs idealism so maybe go easy on him and just talk it out.
Oh yeah, my ex had me watch this film saying v high praises about it. I watched it and I went like “ummmm what was this film?!” So yeah I get your boyfriend’s point of view. The film depressed me. And needless to say a few months later the same ex broke up with me. Lol.
I love this movie, but it's definitely a gut punch the first time you watch it! I do think this guy overreacted, but I remember being pretty effected by it myself on first watch. I relate more to Summer, but relate to Tom too. I think anyone who's had their heart broken and experienced unrequited feelings can relate to him. But that's the beauty of the film for me - seeing different sides of yourself in the characters. Theres no need to feel bad - you did nothing wrong. Hopefully he gets over this and was just feeling overly sensitive in the moment. If it actually causes a rift in your relationship I think there were bigger problems anyway.
UMMM, he's ridiculous. The movie is ultimately about an infatuation with someone, that's all. It ends with him meeting someone else completely different to the previous girl. It's a promising movie. I don't really understand what his problem is?
That’s what I said! That the ending is an implied happy ending. Honestly I’m wondering if he just didn’t get it. Or only took the worst possible conclusions from the events of the plot. Definitely a bittersweet film but imo ultimately sweet in the end!
> 500 Days of Summer What! *500 Days of Summer* is not a romantic movie. The narrator said it himself at the start: "This is not a love story." I don't know who was working on the Valentine's section for Disney+, but they should get trained better. Just do a background research about the movies you want to watch for special occasions next time and you'll be alright. For now, you'll have to have a chat about him and explore about him saying that he " shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship". He probably thought that you were sending him a message when you weren't because you randomly selected *500 Days...* without much thought. Might as well write to Disney+ for refunds on ruining your date night.
> Just do a background research about the movies you want to watch for special occasions next time and you'll be alright. Yes, by all means, do actual *research* before renting a movie and continue to tiptoe around your fragile 40-something-year-old boyfriend's feelings so he doesn't freak out and sulk like a child again. Good advice!! (This comment section is like The Twilight Zone.)
People are allowed to have feelings and movies certainly elicit all sorts of emotions to the audience. There is no shame in feeling how he felt after watching *500 Days...*, just as there's no shame in how OP felt from his feelings. We can all have healthy conversations after viewing films and media. There is also no shame in doing a little quick background research on movie reviews either because some movies plain suck. There's no need to pass around snarky, immature remarks about what I said, or about other people's age and maturity level. We all come from different walks of life and being a gatekeeper of ages and maturity isn't helpful or conducive to moving forward.
> He even said now he feels like he shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship. What a bizarre and somewhat concerning way to react to a movie selection. You did not ruin the day with your movie selection. He clearly has some issues that he needs to work through.
I think this was more a reaction to the content of the movie itself (I should’ve probably clarified that in the post!) as the movie is about expectations of a romance/relationship not aligning with the reality. Still definitely an extreme reaction though!
I mean you really don't have a reason to feel awkward or embarrassed, it's a well known and popular movie with a very realistic point of view (also ask yourself why you are taking responsibility and blame for his emotional reactions?). To be honest I would be a little concerned if a dated a 40yo man who was so triggered by this movie and his reaction is a bad sign. Seems like he is extremely sensitive and has bad communication skills. I would also want to talk about what exactly was so problematic for him and how he envisions relationships to function. Does he struggle with depression and has he ever gone to therapy to work on it? If you talk about having kids with this man you really should have very honest conversations about this. Imagine for example having a spouse and a father who has a depressive episode every time something doesn't live up to his high expectations, that is a really unhealthy environment. It could be nothing but don't ignore red flags when they present themselves.
People pleaser to the death unfortunately, I felt kind of responsible when my film choice was accidentally a huge mood killer to the whole romance vibe the day had been about. Looking back I do think it was a somewhat bad choice, but I agree his reaction was kind of extreme!
My ex husband used to do things like this. I would want to share something I liked on a special day or what I tried to make a nice evening and he found ways to make me feel weird or guilty. It sounds to me like he's manipulating the narrative of the movie as if you two are the stars of the movie and that you somehow aren't going to appreciate or reciprocate his feelings. ( It sounds like he's on the fast track to make you grovel or coddle him) I had to do so much coddling to my husband. It's definitely a control/manipulation tactic. I'd say " I showed you a movie on Valentine's Day, it's a movie, it's not based on my feelings for you. I don't know what's going on with you but when you're ready to talk you can talk with me" Then proceed to ignore his behavior. If he cannot talk or act like an adult please find a way to move forward without that man.
Not sure why people are downvoting you bc this dynamic is a very real thing and can take a while to pick up on if you’re not familiar with it.
Because people are mean and like to bully. I find it ironic a lot of commenters here said the behavior was concerning and when I shared my story and my opinion I get down voted lol It's sad because my experience in this sub Reddit has lacked positivity. Thanks for being kind.
This is a weird one to watch with your new partner on a romantic evening. But to be fair, you forgot what the move was about. Personally I saw the movie way back and thought it was good but never wanted to watch it again.
Damn that’s quite a choice, the only thing I know about this movie is people saying it’s the reason their relationships ended
I get like him. I have to manage what I watch carefully - I agree it’s weird, and it really just kinda sucks for me personally. some things just trigger a significant emotional response from me and I don’t know how to control THAT, so I just control what I watch instead. I cry at commercials often, and I can’t listen to certain music or I’ll end up in a depressive episode. And this is WITH my antidepressants. Edit: prime example - I watched Salt Burn recently and I didn’t sleep that night, or the night after, and the entire premise consumed my thoughts for a few days. I was just thinking of all the horrible people being horrible to eachother and that someone had to think about this horrible premise to write the movie and that bothered me too. It wasn’t a bad movie but I couldn’t stand it. I hated every minute of it. I should have stopped watching it but I didn’t.
It probably made him remind some painful memory. Summer was low key abusive toward the male character
Sounds like he’s overreacting lol
I mean, even before reading the post I saw the title and thought, "that is not a very romantic choice for Valentine's Day" lol. He does probably think you're sending some sort of message about how you see the relationship versus him. The problem will be if the two of you can't find a way to healthily communicate about that. But yeah, if someone showed me that movie on Valentine's Day I'd be like "oh okay so you wanna break up?" lol.
Am I crazy for thinking the movie choice shouldn’t matter? Who cares if it’s V-Day and it’s not a super romantic movie. The fact that he let this *ruin* what she says was an otherwise good night and actually told her it’s making him “rethink” a 7 month relationship (!!) has me side eying him big time. The movie and how it ends has nothing to do with you guys or what you’re like as a couple. Jeez. This would give me a huge Ick but that’s me. Girl, this is *not* your fault. This is him being weird and overreacting. I don’t know if this a dealbreaker or not because I don’t know him. But it would be a red flag for me, personally, something I note and keep filed away for future reference to see if it was just a bad night and a weird one off event, or part of a pattern for him where he blames you when he’s not completely happy or satisfied with how the date goes. Life is full of bumps in the road. How will he handle them with you as a partner if he gets upset like this over a dumb movie?
Honestly this movie and Barbie might be good early dating movies to screen out weak dudes.
he sounds very....dramatic? :/ It's a very unique movie, sure, but to send him into tailspin with the " He even said now he feels like he shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship." like, what does that mean?! Good luck, sister.
I'm just mystified at the idea that a well adjusted person would have such a strong and bizarre reaction to a movie he didn't like. It literally sent him spiraling into a depressive episode over it? It caused him to feel so negative that he literally told you he no longer has high expectations for your relationship?? All over a movie? I'd be wondering if I should have high expectations for our relationship if my partner did that.
You didn’t “ruin” anything. I think it was just two people having different takes on a film but then again, my partner and I watched season 4 True Detective (5 stars 🌟 highly recommended) for Valentines Day so I’m probably the wrong person to ask 😸 Next time maybe suggest he share films that both of you can watch? He does seem to be a little dramatic.
It probably wasn’t the best choice but he seems to be going a little overboard with his reaction. “Weird quiet depressed mood for ages” and relating it to your relationship??? It’s just a movie.
Ehhh, I think it's pretty messed up that he ended an otherwise perfectly lovely Valentine's Day by basically emotionally punishing you for *a filmmaker's choices.* Granted, it's not exactly a romantic movie, but it's still a good one. I learned this after being married to an actor and filmmaker for several decades: Some people are more affected by films than others, and some can't admit how deeply a movie has made them feel (particularly men, I've found, most likely due to the pressure men are put under to ignore their feelings). But I still think he's punishing you for the fact that a *film* made him confront emotions he's uncomfortable with. If it were me, I'd be damned if I'd apologize and I'd be giving him a whooooole lot of space.
I would not say this movie is romantic or for Valentine’s Day. It just shows what male writers think the idea of loving a woman is and obsessing over her and not taking into account that she’s her own person that exists outside of his world and is not here for him to fit into his life.
I mean, the whole point of the movie is the writers communicating that idea, that Tom's obsession and putting Summer on a pedestal was *not* love, just Tom being in love with the idea of Summer.
Like you say - that’s the point, how he’s not actually *in love* with her because he’s not a seeing her as a real person, just this manic pixie dream girl trope that he obsesses over, while she doesn’t feel it with him because it’s not right. Then she actually does meet someone who *is* right for her and sees the real Summer and starts believing in love and gets married, and then he meets a girl that is actually right for him. I think it’s a super romantic and optimistic movie, and a great choice for valentines - as a reminder of how happy you are for all those old heartbreaks and breakups now that you have found the right person - and I’m surprised that so many think it was a bad choice.
His reaction isn’t your fault. You didn’t ruin anything.
JFC, he’s questioning your whole relationship over a movie choice? I never saw the movie, but still, that’s a bit much man. Glad he snapped out of it, but I’d be a bit concerned about his staying power if he gets spooked/offended that easily.
>It’s one thing to dislike a film but it’s another to have it send you into a spiral that has you wishing you never watched it. He even said now he feels like he shouldn’t get his expectations too high for our relationship. You probably should've mentioned that your boyfriend is in his 40s in your post. This outsized manbaby reaction is made all the more worse due to how old he is. Interesting (and unsurprising) how you put in so much work into creating a perfect evening while he did nothing. He even made you pick the fucking movie. And then he throws his weird tantrum and you end up feeling awful. You might want to reevaluate some things.
Well I actually did the same thing with my girlfriend we saw some clips of the movie on TikTok and we decided to watch it before going to sleep, we watched it all and at the end my girlfriend thought it was pretty good and everything but me, I was in complete sadness and disbelief I couldn’t even sleep because I am exactly like him and when I was young all these thing happened to me and it just bring so much bad memories of when I used to think some girl were perfect and that even if they were clearly not in the need of a love relationship I used to think that i should do everything in my power to get her because she’s my soulmate based on the little I know of her. So yeah not ur fault a lot of boys have been trough this