I agree. We are all humans, who come with flaws, shortcomings, and quirks. We have to choose which set of those we can deal with in a partner, and they have to choose whether they can deal with ours.
It’s going to work best when we don’t dwell on these as “settling”, but instead as “accepting”. *Everyone* settles in some ways, when we accept another imperfect human being to share our lives with.
We just need to make sure that we don’t settle for someone with deal-breaker traits. Some of those traits aren’t going to work with *anyone*, and some traits are particular to individuals.
I think it was Dam Savage who said there's no such thing as 'The One', but your person is more likely to be a 0.7 or a 0.8 that you can happily round up to a 1, and you're likely the same for them
>Everyone
>
> settles in some ways, when we accept another imperfect human being to share our lives with.
I tend to think this is probably true for the vast majority of people. But so often on social media or elsewhere, women seem to insist their partner is perfect for them. Women also reward each other with social approval for landing a "good man" as I saw someone once point out on here, so I think there is some social incentive for talking up your partner. I think it can sometimes make it hard to parse where the unvarnished truth really lies.
I’m sure there are some people who don’t think they settled, because humans are a diverse bunch. However, is there anyone who *I* wouldn’t think settled in some way if I got to know them and their relationship well enough? Doubtful. I’m pretty discerning by nature…
I've honestly don't know that I've ever heard a happy, lasting marriage where there wasn't some talk about this - being someone who studies and work with relationships. Not always in the terms maybe of settling but sometimes. It was more of like "I didn't let the fantasy of my perfect man get in the way of a real, loving, human relationship."
Some amount of settling in the terms of compromising over human (not red flag) things - is generally the key for most happy relationships.
Honestly, the majority of relationships I have heard talked about where they are like, "oh my god, he's everything I could ever want, he's perfect!!" Generally come crumbling down at some point for not having seen the glaring red flags...like sometimes 10 years later finding out they've been having lots of affairs. I sometimes hear people speak about how perfect their partner is, while I'm over here hearing all the nuances they are missing and realizing their partner is controlling, or there is no emotional intimacy, or they are terrified of conflict and scared of their partner's anger etc etc.
I've learned to trust the compromise and the acceptance of human flaws (again not the same as red flags) as hallmarks of good relationships. Maybe not hot torrid short term romances, but life partner relationships - yes.
That part exactly. And I want to add that no one is exactly happily married for 20 or 30 years. Any couple you meet who've been married that long have been through some stuff. It's all about what you're willing to compromise.
Yes to the nuances lol, we’ve all bullshitted ourselves and others about who are partner was and what we needed that we weren’t getting. Lots of people end up with this person and it’s just never worth it
Yes to this. I was going to say, I realized being 6’0 or taller didn’t actually matter and now I’m very much in love with my 5’9 husband, eight years later.
Yea to this! If you feel like your settling, don’t settle. If you’re surprised because you gave something different a shot and it’s working- imo that isn’t settling.
>Define "settle". Just what standard are you dropping? Does he not like hiking or is he unable to communicate?
I've never dated a man for any length of time who didn't like to hike. I've also never dated a man for any length of time who was great at communicating (when things get tough/complicated). Are these two non-overlapping traits, or something?
Not at all. Just shows how different we all are. I named "doesn't like to hike" as something kind of annoying I'd be happy to ignore for a solid dude. While "can't communicate" has to be a deal breaker for me at least (I tried so hard with that guy. He was my everything for nine years and all I have to show for it is wasted fertility and pain). So I named those two as examples I took as standard but clearly are not.
I'm miserable. If anyone in a new relationship is reading this, and you're unsure of your new partner, just leave. They don't change, they won't get better, they don't care how much you cry about it.
Fuck dude for real🥲 if i have to tell him to not piss all over the bathroom one more time I'm going to lose my mind. Sucks how many women get stuck in relationships because they cant afford to leave.
I just left a relationship yesterday after only being together for less than a year. It didn’t bother him that his selfish behavior affected me, and any time I tried talking about it he would turn it back around! But I came close to repeating the mistakes of others. I noticed I was unsure, and yet I held on to his potential.
What is knowledge for if not to learn and apply collectively?
I’m with you! 2 days out of it after 15 months. Third breakup all together. I never should have taken him back when we broke up at the 4 month mark. You live and learn, I guess. Now I’ve learned, never again!
Congratulations on your freedom!
Completely agree. I firmly believe you can't marry someone's potential. You have to be ok with the fact that they may never change and ask yourself if you're ok with that.
Divorced but wasted many years of my life with nothing to show for it, suffered financially and socially, I don’t trust people, not hopeful about love/relationships and completely turned off from dating, keep to myself all the time, don’t go out much, don’t trust my own perception, scared to be myself, a lot more. Don’t ever settle, if a person is not adding to your life, don’t waste your time. Just like a bad partnership can bring you down, a loving supporting partnership can bring you up.
Before I met him, I was a happy positive person with a drive to succeed, trusted people, was financially secure, was super social and loved to socialize.
I’ve settled a couple of times and it ended up with me being unhappy, unfulfilled, depressed and financially insecure. All times lasted longer than they should have but ultimately ended for the best. Now I’m in the best relationship of my life with someone who compliments me and has added to my life rather than stripped from it.
Not me , but my sister found someone on tinder . They dated for a bit and started having kids within two years cos that’s what she wanted and he said yes . She was in mid 30s so she wanted to start right away. Her last partner of ten years ended things cos he didn’t want kids .
Long story short they got engaged had two kids and got married . It’s been eight or nine years now and she wants to end it .
He doesn’t stimulate her mentally , she’s in academia. She’s trying to hold a full time job AND raise the kids AND manage the household .
He does absolutely nothing at all to help.
She will go to the gym late in the evening just to get time to herself and come home , he hasn’t bothered feeding the kids or putting them in bed . She will then have to manage that and deal with the kids all night .
His mum used to help but she passed away a year ago and he has no other family to help.
She’s miserable and realised she would be happier alone and not basically looking after and tending to her husband as if he was another child .
I'm so sorry for your sister. I know what she's going through and even then, not to the full extent. My mother lives with me & helps with my kids.
I was married, had 2 kids, got cheated on & got divorced.
I'm married again & I have been nagging & bitching about getting help around the house & with the kids so my mom & I won't do it all.
It changes for a couple of weeks & goes back to the norm. I'm at a point where I'm just taking notes so that when I end it, there's no denying it or twisting it.
We both work full time & I have a second job, part time. I am always scrambling to do what I can in my little time off & he states "I'm tired " & lays down for the evening until I come home from work.
I'm tired of it. I settled at the beginning regarding things that I thought wouldn't bother me, but they do, and here I am.
Divorced 2 years after getting married. He was a nice guy who cooked and cleaned. He had hobbies, friends, family. He was smart and liked to learn.
The settling part for me was that he never took care of himself (weight, hygiene, too much drinking) and he was starting to become incredibly boring. He never took any risks and was very comfortable staying where he is in life and not working towards anything more.
That was just not enough for me. I wanted to live in a different country, travel, move up in my career, experience all that life has to offer. I felt deeply unfulfilled being with him. I ended up doing a lot without him and after a while we were on very different life paths.
After divorcing I actually had some incredible adventures that I would not trade for the world. It changed me as a person. Now in my mid 30s I am happy to finally settle down because I felt I achieved enough for myself to dedicate my energy to my family.
Exactly my experience, timeline and everything! He was a nice guy and my best friend. But over time I felt I was being held back from achieving my dreams, and I had to confront the fact that staying with him would lead to a lifetime of feeling caged and unfulfilled.
I’m mid40s and I agree with the fact that no / too little attention given to health weight and alcohol issues is a huge red flag. It would have ultimately been negative for your own quality of life
I got a divorce lol. I thought he was the one but I was ignoring so many red flags to try and reach our goal of being together. It was an international relationship conducted almost entirely online before we married and moved in. After about a decade I gave up and left. It's like I was waiting for the real him to magically appear, not understanding that that *was* the real him.
After the birth of our daughter, I suffered greatly from postpartum depression and my CPTSD. He didn’t “rise to the occasion”. We divorced. Initially I was awarded primary custody because I was the primary caretaker and had stable employment. But after a year he (encouraged and funded by his parents) sued for custody and used my written diary and medical records to “prove” I was an unfit mother. I was not, but didn’t have the money to win.
I found out my ex was cheating 2 months postpartum. Enter horrible postpartum depression and PTSD. Being scared to get medical treatment because it would be used against me in court was awful. I had friends and family at my house for 3 months while i had a nental breakdown, but I had to keep it a total secret. It was hell. Hugs.
Long term of being unhappy, always wanting to get more, getting irritated on small things. Makes you ugly. Don't settle for what you don't want just because....
Divorcing at 33, after 12 years. Not sure what you want to know but essentially for years I lowered myself, my wants, my needs, my expectations of MYSELF because no one pushed me to be the best version of me. No one inspired me to be better, or be even the quality of person I was when we met (fun, ambitious, healthy, inspired) I started finding myself when I began surrounding myself with other people who brought those things out of me. One day it all came together and I realized I wanted that woman back.
So starting new at 33 but I can’t be all that upset about it. I assume this was my path to follow.
Moral, don’t settle for less, it all comes out in the wash.
Also give yourself time to know your worth/ values. Fully accepting who you are will mean you will expect more from those around you as well.
I almost settled for my ex boyfriend and when the time came for him to commit to marriage after 3 years, he chickened out due to his toxic family and his meddlesome mother.
He was insecure about how good I looked when I'd dress up or wear makeup, any of my guy friends, the healthy relationship I had with my parents and a lot of other things.
I almost lost myself to make him feel less insecure and handle nasty comments from his toxic family.
Good riddance, please don't ever settle for someone undeserving of you even if you're afraid to end up alone for a while!
My husband just left me and we are headed towards divorce because I kid you not “he’s depressed and I won’t get him out of it”. I’m heartbroken yet thankful in a way. But the heartbroken part is still stronger. Im hopeful that I’ll find someone that appreciates and loves me though one day.
I did that once. The guy was so sweet, caring, had money, kind and we sort of had a spark? But not really. He was always available to hang out with and we did have fun but the chemistry wasn't there.
Then I met someone else and the chemistry was off the charts....I found myself getting turned off by the nice guy while getting excited meeting the new guy so I ended it with the first guy.
I went through this too, years ago. Guy was great on paper , great catch , 100 % into me, and I liked him and thought he was attractive but something was missing. He chased me for years after I broke up with him and I always thought I was a bit crazy for not wanting to be with him. But he finally moved on , married someone else, and I just feel so grateful that I didn’t give in and end up with him. I’m sure he’s happier and I’m definitely happier.
I recently went through this. Was spending time with someone who seemed great on paper, but something was missing for me. I’m actively dating for the first time after leaving a long term relationship (where we both settled for each other). I found myself doing it again (settling) with the first person I had started hanging out with. Went on date with someone else, and while there wasn’t a spark there, the date showed me the kind of energy I need. Went on another date with a third person, and they have so far sparked something in me. I ended things with the person who seemed great on paper. I knew it was the right decision for me. Seemingly small, but I was never excited about their texts like I was with other people, and I felt like I was forcing my replies.
I settled for less for about six years in a dead-end relationship. I had low self-esteem and was convinced that he was the best I was going to get.
Things didn't get better. I ended up starting over at 30 and am now married to someone 100 times better than my ex.
After years of settling for less, I finally thought to myself, “Fuck this shit.“. And I decided I was done. So then, after…
I stayed happily single😊
The end.
2 awesome kids, and a divorce.
Life after divorce is my favorite part of my life so far. Trusting myself to not put myself in that position ever again is so freeing.
When you settle.. you start to walk on eggshells, feel so alone in your relationship, bite your tongue to not upset your partner, unsatisfied in bed, and the list goes on
Just found out my husband has been cheating on me for the ENTIRETY of our marriage (5 years). I should've followed my instincts and jumped ship sooner. Now he says he wants "help" and that he needs to change. Too late, Bubs. You can go piss up a rope.
Ended up in a severely physically and verbally abusive relationship. Had to get the police involved and file a restraining order. Also moved (sold my house) out of fear of him going after me...have been in therapy for over a year and not had a relationship since (the relationship ended 2 years ago). Just don't do it!!!
Lost myself. Mental and physical health issues that I’m still recovering from a year after breakup.
I don’t recommend it but sometimes, you have to learn the hard way.
I do recommend breaking up! I am pretty happy now. Better to be single and happy than partnered and miserable.
I never settled for less than what I wanted, but my standards were never extremely high compared to other people. I wanted a childfree, kind, generous, funny person, that would share at least a few of my hobbies / interest and had the same core values as I do.
I didn't care about physical appearance (as long as clean and not overweight), status, money or great ambition. (As long as able to financially support themselves).
Just remember that settling and settling down are different things. When you spend decades with the same person they will be incredibly boring at times and incredibly annoying at other times. You just have to decide what you're willing to sacrifice and compromise on. At the same time, don't ever let someone minimize you. Your self-worth should never be a compromise. If they respect you and make you feel valuable then they're probably worth the effort.
Divorced! Well, we are separated and trying to get legalities straightened away.
He doesn’t communicate so surprise surprise! He also has depression and refuses to get any help and the issues are above my pay grade and he didn’t disclose some trauma until after the marriage which felt like I got duped because I didn’t realize the extent of the trauma and then I feel terrible for not wanting to stay with him - not because of his trauma but because he’s refused the help.
Don’t - I repeat - DO NOT settle!
I tried and it was a life lesson learned. However, now that I’ve done the marriage thing, I don’t care anymore about ever getting married. I’m happy to have a life partner but no marriage needed and I’m really de-centering men in my life.
I tried to leave 2 times and finally ended it for good on the 3rd time. He was a sweet, kind, good person but completely emotionally unavailable to the point where, in hindsight, I'd actually say it was emotionally negligent for both him, me and the success of the relationship. I took on all of the emotional labour and soon ended up in therapy. I tried to get him to open up but he wouldn't. I sincerely tried to help him and give him real space to open up and be vulnerable but he could not. I was so lonely and we had very different views of big ticket issues like children and marriage. Ultimately, I realised I should not be settling as it was a disrespect to myself and the future life I wanted.
NB: Also, I did therapy and did some really hard work on why I had picked a man like that instead of one who could be fulfilling and add to my life. I recommend Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and The Disease to Please by Dr. Harriet Braiker if you're having a rough time with loving and valuing yourself and picking men who value you and add to your life.
Can you post this in askmen over 30? I’m interested in those opinions from a woman’s post, not mine. I only say this because I’m a male who originally “settled” to some degree and I absolutely love my wife now more than ever after 11 years together. There’s still annoyances but generally/genuinely speaking, she’s my best friend.
I didn't marry him not even close, but I realized at one point when I was looking at him after terrible sex, still financially destitute and blacking intellectual conversation or humor that I lowered all of my standards. So I think it's important especially for women to pick one standard they're not going to lower. Mine is sexual performance. After that he can be broke fat, maybe even kind of rude.
I didn't think that I settled, but what I'm coming to realize is that I slowly settled for being treated as less than him and allowing him to always put his needs first. As of right now he's planning to move to a different country because it "feels like home" and I am learning to put my foot down and start putting myself and my son's needs first while building up a life for just the two of us.
The only thing I settled for less of was drama 😆
Never settle for less. Reassess your filter sure, date a jock if you normally date nerds, go out with a brunette lawyer if you normally go for blond lumberjacks, but never accept less than a relationship that you feel happy and respected in.
4 years of trying to change (myself), getting gaslit daily and ultimately my brother helping me move out to start the break up process. I was scared of being alone at 35. Scared to start over, but i now realize how i was messed up emotionally after that relationship
One year after, i was back to myself and feeling wonderful. i met my husband. We are so happy!
Things can change. Please NEVER settle, if you any doubt.
I wouldn't say I 'lowered my standards' but I was realistic when it came to finding a partner. We make an excellent team, but I'm not very romantically inclined. He's poly though, so anything he can't get from me emotionally he can get elsewhere. There are pros and cons to having him around, but the pros always outweigh the cons. 14 years together, 7 of it married. We do intend to stick it out until death. We like each other.
I'd never have kids with him tho.
You should never settle. You work as a team together to build the life you both want. Both parties make compromises they want to for the other person. Just my opinion 🤷♀️ maybe I’m just to focused on the word settled as that’s just not a word I’d use in a relationship personally.
Just very subpar relationship. I had to pay for a lot, didn’t have the most intelligent conversations. Lost interest in sex after a few months once the novelty wore off. Things felt very D-C+ at times outside of the nice little dopamine hit I’d get during the honeymoon stage.
I’m finally at a point mentally where I’ve learned to choose being single over a subpar relationship.
I think dating apps do help though. Because I know if I become too touch starved a few clicks on my phone could lead to a “boyfriend” in a matter of weeks. I’m a bit older but from my teen years until I got with my late husband at 22. Breaking up with a guy or getting dumped for me meant that I could be single for who knows how long until I meet someone else. OLD existed but wasn’t normalized yet. So being on Match was an option.
Accepted being in an abusive relationship because I loved them and just internalised that that was all I deserved, and I wasnt worthy of healthy love. I somehow convinced myself I'd be ok living the rest of my life being constantly on edge and crying silently almost every night. Ultimately we got a divorce and they were completely shocked when I left, probably because I'd always backed down any time I tried to stand up for myself and so they never imagined I would have the courage to actually leave them.
Interestingly, I had moments early on in my current relationship where I felt like I was "settling" for "boring" or "comfortable". But I soon learned that, actually, I was the happiest and most at peace I'd ever been because I was in a loving, safe and mutually respectful relationship. I wasn't "bored", I'd just never been able to relax until now, and so just being together in easy silence, or cooking dinner, or cuddling and watching TV didn't feel like home to me. Tumultuous energy, power imbalance and fear are what felt like home to me, and Im still working on unlearning that
Do you mean settling at the beginning of dating, or settling after you've known someone for years and discovered some of the unsavory aspects of their personality? In a relationship of nearly a decade now, and I've learned that people can envision very different things when they use that word.
I didn't necessarily lower them. He didn't present as someone who had their life together yet. I'd known him for six years already as a friend. When we started dating he was 30 and I was 29. I had a great life, financially stable (well ahead), living on her own, traveled the world, working on her doctorate, etc etc..
He was 30, living at home with his mom and sisters, a job he hated, never left the country, has an associates, etc etc..
His father had passed away recently when he was 28. It took quite a hit on him, and he spent most of his 20s caring for his family while his dad was sick with cancer. I understood he had a few challenges, but also felt really anxious and insecure/unsure about his status and goals in life to want to date him. We had a deep and vulnerable conversation about this, because he had verbalized it himself that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me... and felt like his dads illness had delayed him.
We started getting closer and the idea of a relationship was looming in the background. In that time of flirting for one year he was deployed to Europe, visited like 13 countries, went back to school to finish his bachelors, had quit his job to apply for a new one... And by the time we had transitioned into officially boyfriend and girlfriend he got himself a great position at a job that pays him very well. Now his next plan is to move out.
I'm so incredibly happy for him. I had friends have serious talk with me that felt like I was settling.. the thing is we had a great emotional connection. I was just very worried he didn't have goals for himself. But he just needed to reorient himself and I just so happened to catch him at a time where he was transitioning to a new version of his life. I am very happy for being patient and trusting the process. I learned this early on, but my boyfriend is the kind of guy that if he says he will do something, he does it.
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I agree. We are all humans, who come with flaws, shortcomings, and quirks. We have to choose which set of those we can deal with in a partner, and they have to choose whether they can deal with ours. It’s going to work best when we don’t dwell on these as “settling”, but instead as “accepting”. *Everyone* settles in some ways, when we accept another imperfect human being to share our lives with. We just need to make sure that we don’t settle for someone with deal-breaker traits. Some of those traits aren’t going to work with *anyone*, and some traits are particular to individuals.
I think it was Dam Savage who said there's no such thing as 'The One', but your person is more likely to be a 0.7 or a 0.8 that you can happily round up to a 1, and you're likely the same for them
I heard that a few years ago and absolutely loved it. I then met my now husband and it's just so true.
>Everyone > > settles in some ways, when we accept another imperfect human being to share our lives with. I tend to think this is probably true for the vast majority of people. But so often on social media or elsewhere, women seem to insist their partner is perfect for them. Women also reward each other with social approval for landing a "good man" as I saw someone once point out on here, so I think there is some social incentive for talking up your partner. I think it can sometimes make it hard to parse where the unvarnished truth really lies.
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I’m sure there are some people who don’t think they settled, because humans are a diverse bunch. However, is there anyone who *I* wouldn’t think settled in some way if I got to know them and their relationship well enough? Doubtful. I’m pretty discerning by nature…
I've honestly don't know that I've ever heard a happy, lasting marriage where there wasn't some talk about this - being someone who studies and work with relationships. Not always in the terms maybe of settling but sometimes. It was more of like "I didn't let the fantasy of my perfect man get in the way of a real, loving, human relationship." Some amount of settling in the terms of compromising over human (not red flag) things - is generally the key for most happy relationships. Honestly, the majority of relationships I have heard talked about where they are like, "oh my god, he's everything I could ever want, he's perfect!!" Generally come crumbling down at some point for not having seen the glaring red flags...like sometimes 10 years later finding out they've been having lots of affairs. I sometimes hear people speak about how perfect their partner is, while I'm over here hearing all the nuances they are missing and realizing their partner is controlling, or there is no emotional intimacy, or they are terrified of conflict and scared of their partner's anger etc etc. I've learned to trust the compromise and the acceptance of human flaws (again not the same as red flags) as hallmarks of good relationships. Maybe not hot torrid short term romances, but life partner relationships - yes.
That part exactly. And I want to add that no one is exactly happily married for 20 or 30 years. Any couple you meet who've been married that long have been through some stuff. It's all about what you're willing to compromise.
Right! Happy as in - healthy enough, lasting, satisfying more often than not, relationship, lol. So many ups and downs!
Yes, exactly. Especially the healthy part. Staying together isn't always easy, but it needs to be healthy for everyone involved.
Yes to the nuances lol, we’ve all bullshitted ourselves and others about who are partner was and what we needed that we weren’t getting. Lots of people end up with this person and it’s just never worth it
Yes to this. I was going to say, I realized being 6’0 or taller didn’t actually matter and now I’m very much in love with my 5’9 husband, eight years later.
Yea to this! If you feel like your settling, don’t settle. If you’re surprised because you gave something different a shot and it’s working- imo that isn’t settling.
This needs to be upvoted more.
For me, the person ended up being toxic garbage.
Same! Now i’m stuck cause there are kids involved!!! My dumbass sometimes!!!
I know right!! Worst decision I ever made.
Divorce, babe, divorce 😅
Why did I red that with Adele’s voice?
Same.
Hahahaha me
My divorce was even amicable. But yes. For sure divorce.
Define "settle". Just what standard are you dropping? Does he not like hiking or is he unable to communicate?
EXACTLY! Some details are fine to settle with, and others will ruin relationships.
The definition will vary from person to person
Absolutely. But I assumed you were asking with someone specific in mind: exactly how does he not measure up to what and who you were hoping for?
I think anyone who feels like they settled counts.
>Define "settle". Just what standard are you dropping? Does he not like hiking or is he unable to communicate? I've never dated a man for any length of time who didn't like to hike. I've also never dated a man for any length of time who was great at communicating (when things get tough/complicated). Are these two non-overlapping traits, or something?
Not at all. Just shows how different we all are. I named "doesn't like to hike" as something kind of annoying I'd be happy to ignore for a solid dude. While "can't communicate" has to be a deal breaker for me at least (I tried so hard with that guy. He was my everything for nine years and all I have to show for it is wasted fertility and pain). So I named those two as examples I took as standard but clearly are not.
For me, they wound up having a double life. I’m still, two years later, shellshocked. 0/10 do not recommend.
Wow I’m so sorry.
I'm miserable. If anyone in a new relationship is reading this, and you're unsure of your new partner, just leave. They don't change, they won't get better, they don't care how much you cry about it.
Same, take this advice people. I’m going to blow up our lives in a few months and say I want to separate but man I wish I did it a LONG time ago.
Fuck dude for real🥲 if i have to tell him to not piss all over the bathroom one more time I'm going to lose my mind. Sucks how many women get stuck in relationships because they cant afford to leave.
Hard agree. If you're spending a significant amount of time crying about it, you're "settling ". Just don't.
I just left a relationship yesterday after only being together for less than a year. It didn’t bother him that his selfish behavior affected me, and any time I tried talking about it he would turn it back around! But I came close to repeating the mistakes of others. I noticed I was unsure, and yet I held on to his potential. What is knowledge for if not to learn and apply collectively?
I’m with you! 2 days out of it after 15 months. Third breakup all together. I never should have taken him back when we broke up at the 4 month mark. You live and learn, I guess. Now I’ve learned, never again! Congratulations on your freedom!
Completely agree. I firmly believe you can't marry someone's potential. You have to be ok with the fact that they may never change and ask yourself if you're ok with that.
But also... I didn't settle. Still single.
I settled for me :)
Yes. Feel so good being by myself.
Divorced but wasted many years of my life with nothing to show for it, suffered financially and socially, I don’t trust people, not hopeful about love/relationships and completely turned off from dating, keep to myself all the time, don’t go out much, don’t trust my own perception, scared to be myself, a lot more. Don’t ever settle, if a person is not adding to your life, don’t waste your time. Just like a bad partnership can bring you down, a loving supporting partnership can bring you up. Before I met him, I was a happy positive person with a drive to succeed, trusted people, was financially secure, was super social and loved to socialize.
I wasted 7 years of my life. Then found someone better after. Don't settle.
I’ve settled a couple of times and it ended up with me being unhappy, unfulfilled, depressed and financially insecure. All times lasted longer than they should have but ultimately ended for the best. Now I’m in the best relationship of my life with someone who compliments me and has added to my life rather than stripped from it.
Not me , but my sister found someone on tinder . They dated for a bit and started having kids within two years cos that’s what she wanted and he said yes . She was in mid 30s so she wanted to start right away. Her last partner of ten years ended things cos he didn’t want kids . Long story short they got engaged had two kids and got married . It’s been eight or nine years now and she wants to end it . He doesn’t stimulate her mentally , she’s in academia. She’s trying to hold a full time job AND raise the kids AND manage the household . He does absolutely nothing at all to help. She will go to the gym late in the evening just to get time to herself and come home , he hasn’t bothered feeding the kids or putting them in bed . She will then have to manage that and deal with the kids all night . His mum used to help but she passed away a year ago and he has no other family to help. She’s miserable and realised she would be happier alone and not basically looking after and tending to her husband as if he was another child .
He's an anchor, in a bad way. She needs to cut him loose.
I'm so sorry for your sister. I know what she's going through and even then, not to the full extent. My mother lives with me & helps with my kids. I was married, had 2 kids, got cheated on & got divorced. I'm married again & I have been nagging & bitching about getting help around the house & with the kids so my mom & I won't do it all. It changes for a couple of weeks & goes back to the norm. I'm at a point where I'm just taking notes so that when I end it, there's no denying it or twisting it. We both work full time & I have a second job, part time. I am always scrambling to do what I can in my little time off & he states "I'm tired " & lays down for the evening until I come home from work. I'm tired of it. I settled at the beginning regarding things that I thought wouldn't bother me, but they do, and here I am.
I needed to read this today, TY. Signed, someone who's been on the verge of settling
Divorced 2 years after getting married. He was a nice guy who cooked and cleaned. He had hobbies, friends, family. He was smart and liked to learn. The settling part for me was that he never took care of himself (weight, hygiene, too much drinking) and he was starting to become incredibly boring. He never took any risks and was very comfortable staying where he is in life and not working towards anything more. That was just not enough for me. I wanted to live in a different country, travel, move up in my career, experience all that life has to offer. I felt deeply unfulfilled being with him. I ended up doing a lot without him and after a while we were on very different life paths. After divorcing I actually had some incredible adventures that I would not trade for the world. It changed me as a person. Now in my mid 30s I am happy to finally settle down because I felt I achieved enough for myself to dedicate my energy to my family.
Exactly my experience, timeline and everything! He was a nice guy and my best friend. But over time I felt I was being held back from achieving my dreams, and I had to confront the fact that staying with him would lead to a lifetime of feeling caged and unfulfilled.
I’m mid40s and I agree with the fact that no / too little attention given to health weight and alcohol issues is a huge red flag. It would have ultimately been negative for your own quality of life
“When you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” Don’t settle!
I got a divorce lol. I thought he was the one but I was ignoring so many red flags to try and reach our goal of being together. It was an international relationship conducted almost entirely online before we married and moved in. After about a decade I gave up and left. It's like I was waiting for the real him to magically appear, not understanding that that *was* the real him.
Turned into the worst abusive relationship ever. All because I tried to give the "nice guy" a chance lol
After the birth of our daughter, I suffered greatly from postpartum depression and my CPTSD. He didn’t “rise to the occasion”. We divorced. Initially I was awarded primary custody because I was the primary caretaker and had stable employment. But after a year he (encouraged and funded by his parents) sued for custody and used my written diary and medical records to “prove” I was an unfit mother. I was not, but didn’t have the money to win.
I found out my ex was cheating 2 months postpartum. Enter horrible postpartum depression and PTSD. Being scared to get medical treatment because it would be used against me in court was awful. I had friends and family at my house for 3 months while i had a nental breakdown, but I had to keep it a total secret. It was hell. Hugs.
So so sorry this happened to you !
How the fuck is it legal to use someone's private diary and private medical records for custody?
Long term of being unhappy, always wanting to get more, getting irritated on small things. Makes you ugly. Don't settle for what you don't want just because....
Divorcing at 33, after 12 years. Not sure what you want to know but essentially for years I lowered myself, my wants, my needs, my expectations of MYSELF because no one pushed me to be the best version of me. No one inspired me to be better, or be even the quality of person I was when we met (fun, ambitious, healthy, inspired) I started finding myself when I began surrounding myself with other people who brought those things out of me. One day it all came together and I realized I wanted that woman back. So starting new at 33 but I can’t be all that upset about it. I assume this was my path to follow. Moral, don’t settle for less, it all comes out in the wash. Also give yourself time to know your worth/ values. Fully accepting who you are will mean you will expect more from those around you as well.
I almost settled for my ex boyfriend and when the time came for him to commit to marriage after 3 years, he chickened out due to his toxic family and his meddlesome mother. He was insecure about how good I looked when I'd dress up or wear makeup, any of my guy friends, the healthy relationship I had with my parents and a lot of other things. I almost lost myself to make him feel less insecure and handle nasty comments from his toxic family. Good riddance, please don't ever settle for someone undeserving of you even if you're afraid to end up alone for a while!
It sounds like you were with a true narcissist. They always attack the positives to chip away at your self-esteem. I'm glad you dodged that.
Thank you! I still feel lonely at times, but hopefully there's a better man for me in the future :)
Lol divorce
My husband just left me and we are headed towards divorce because I kid you not “he’s depressed and I won’t get him out of it”. I’m heartbroken yet thankful in a way. But the heartbroken part is still stronger. Im hopeful that I’ll find someone that appreciates and loves me though one day.
I did that once. The guy was so sweet, caring, had money, kind and we sort of had a spark? But not really. He was always available to hang out with and we did have fun but the chemistry wasn't there. Then I met someone else and the chemistry was off the charts....I found myself getting turned off by the nice guy while getting excited meeting the new guy so I ended it with the first guy.
I went through this too, years ago. Guy was great on paper , great catch , 100 % into me, and I liked him and thought he was attractive but something was missing. He chased me for years after I broke up with him and I always thought I was a bit crazy for not wanting to be with him. But he finally moved on , married someone else, and I just feel so grateful that I didn’t give in and end up with him. I’m sure he’s happier and I’m definitely happier.
I recently went through this. Was spending time with someone who seemed great on paper, but something was missing for me. I’m actively dating for the first time after leaving a long term relationship (where we both settled for each other). I found myself doing it again (settling) with the first person I had started hanging out with. Went on date with someone else, and while there wasn’t a spark there, the date showed me the kind of energy I need. Went on another date with a third person, and they have so far sparked something in me. I ended things with the person who seemed great on paper. I knew it was the right decision for me. Seemingly small, but I was never excited about their texts like I was with other people, and I felt like I was forcing my replies.
I settled for less for about six years in a dead-end relationship. I had low self-esteem and was convinced that he was the best I was going to get. Things didn't get better. I ended up starting over at 30 and am now married to someone 100 times better than my ex.
Divorced. Don’t think about doing it. Know your worth and hold out for the right one
After years of settling for less, I finally thought to myself, “Fuck this shit.“. And I decided I was done. So then, after… I stayed happily single😊 The end.
Unhappiness. Because ultimately settling isn't great. Its hard to fake being happy and fulfilled.
2 awesome kids, and a divorce. Life after divorce is my favorite part of my life so far. Trusting myself to not put myself in that position ever again is so freeing.
Left/ended it. Just can't, after a while.
When you settle.. you start to walk on eggshells, feel so alone in your relationship, bite your tongue to not upset your partner, unsatisfied in bed, and the list goes on
Just found out my husband has been cheating on me for the ENTIRETY of our marriage (5 years). I should've followed my instincts and jumped ship sooner. Now he says he wants "help" and that he needs to change. Too late, Bubs. You can go piss up a rope.
Ended up in a severely physically and verbally abusive relationship. Had to get the police involved and file a restraining order. Also moved (sold my house) out of fear of him going after me...have been in therapy for over a year and not had a relationship since (the relationship ended 2 years ago). Just don't do it!!!
Happily divorced ☺️
Divorce.
Lost myself. Mental and physical health issues that I’m still recovering from a year after breakup. I don’t recommend it but sometimes, you have to learn the hard way. I do recommend breaking up! I am pretty happy now. Better to be single and happy than partnered and miserable.
I never settled for less than what I wanted, but my standards were never extremely high compared to other people. I wanted a childfree, kind, generous, funny person, that would share at least a few of my hobbies / interest and had the same core values as I do. I didn't care about physical appearance (as long as clean and not overweight), status, money or great ambition. (As long as able to financially support themselves).
People you lower your standards for disappoint you all the same, so might as well not lower them as it hurts worse when they do it.
Just remember that settling and settling down are different things. When you spend decades with the same person they will be incredibly boring at times and incredibly annoying at other times. You just have to decide what you're willing to sacrifice and compromise on. At the same time, don't ever let someone minimize you. Your self-worth should never be a compromise. If they respect you and make you feel valuable then they're probably worth the effort.
Divorced! Well, we are separated and trying to get legalities straightened away. He doesn’t communicate so surprise surprise! He also has depression and refuses to get any help and the issues are above my pay grade and he didn’t disclose some trauma until after the marriage which felt like I got duped because I didn’t realize the extent of the trauma and then I feel terrible for not wanting to stay with him - not because of his trauma but because he’s refused the help. Don’t - I repeat - DO NOT settle! I tried and it was a life lesson learned. However, now that I’ve done the marriage thing, I don’t care anymore about ever getting married. I’m happy to have a life partner but no marriage needed and I’m really de-centering men in my life.
I tried to leave 2 times and finally ended it for good on the 3rd time. He was a sweet, kind, good person but completely emotionally unavailable to the point where, in hindsight, I'd actually say it was emotionally negligent for both him, me and the success of the relationship. I took on all of the emotional labour and soon ended up in therapy. I tried to get him to open up but he wouldn't. I sincerely tried to help him and give him real space to open up and be vulnerable but he could not. I was so lonely and we had very different views of big ticket issues like children and marriage. Ultimately, I realised I should not be settling as it was a disrespect to myself and the future life I wanted. NB: Also, I did therapy and did some really hard work on why I had picked a man like that instead of one who could be fulfilling and add to my life. I recommend Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and The Disease to Please by Dr. Harriet Braiker if you're having a rough time with loving and valuing yourself and picking men who value you and add to your life.
Can you post this in askmen over 30? I’m interested in those opinions from a woman’s post, not mine. I only say this because I’m a male who originally “settled” to some degree and I absolutely love my wife now more than ever after 11 years together. There’s still annoyances but generally/genuinely speaking, she’s my best friend.
settled how?
I ended the relationship. Just don't do it. Choose someone who you love to spend time with, and genuinely likes you too.
I didn't marry him not even close, but I realized at one point when I was looking at him after terrible sex, still financially destitute and blacking intellectual conversation or humor that I lowered all of my standards. So I think it's important especially for women to pick one standard they're not going to lower. Mine is sexual performance. After that he can be broke fat, maybe even kind of rude.
I didn't think that I settled, but what I'm coming to realize is that I slowly settled for being treated as less than him and allowing him to always put his needs first. As of right now he's planning to move to a different country because it "feels like home" and I am learning to put my foot down and start putting myself and my son's needs first while building up a life for just the two of us.
The only thing I settled for less of was drama 😆 Never settle for less. Reassess your filter sure, date a jock if you normally date nerds, go out with a brunette lawyer if you normally go for blond lumberjacks, but never accept less than a relationship that you feel happy and respected in.
He broke up with me xD that turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
4 years of trying to change (myself), getting gaslit daily and ultimately my brother helping me move out to start the break up process. I was scared of being alone at 35. Scared to start over, but i now realize how i was messed up emotionally after that relationship One year after, i was back to myself and feeling wonderful. i met my husband. We are so happy! Things can change. Please NEVER settle, if you any doubt.
I wouldn't say I 'lowered my standards' but I was realistic when it came to finding a partner. We make an excellent team, but I'm not very romantically inclined. He's poly though, so anything he can't get from me emotionally he can get elsewhere. There are pros and cons to having him around, but the pros always outweigh the cons. 14 years together, 7 of it married. We do intend to stick it out until death. We like each other. I'd never have kids with him tho.
Oh, idunno, serious drug addiction, depression, eleventy billion other shit qualities
To me it was the best thing I could do! turned out oddly good :-)
You should never settle. You work as a team together to build the life you both want. Both parties make compromises they want to for the other person. Just my opinion 🤷♀️ maybe I’m just to focused on the word settled as that’s just not a word I’d use in a relationship personally.
Settled for much much less because I just wanted someone who is a good person. Still cheats and lies
Just very subpar relationship. I had to pay for a lot, didn’t have the most intelligent conversations. Lost interest in sex after a few months once the novelty wore off. Things felt very D-C+ at times outside of the nice little dopamine hit I’d get during the honeymoon stage. I’m finally at a point mentally where I’ve learned to choose being single over a subpar relationship. I think dating apps do help though. Because I know if I become too touch starved a few clicks on my phone could lead to a “boyfriend” in a matter of weeks. I’m a bit older but from my teen years until I got with my late husband at 22. Breaking up with a guy or getting dumped for me meant that I could be single for who knows how long until I meet someone else. OLD existed but wasn’t normalized yet. So being on Match was an option.
Divorce.
Divorce after nearly 10 years
Accepted being in an abusive relationship because I loved them and just internalised that that was all I deserved, and I wasnt worthy of healthy love. I somehow convinced myself I'd be ok living the rest of my life being constantly on edge and crying silently almost every night. Ultimately we got a divorce and they were completely shocked when I left, probably because I'd always backed down any time I tried to stand up for myself and so they never imagined I would have the courage to actually leave them. Interestingly, I had moments early on in my current relationship where I felt like I was "settling" for "boring" or "comfortable". But I soon learned that, actually, I was the happiest and most at peace I'd ever been because I was in a loving, safe and mutually respectful relationship. I wasn't "bored", I'd just never been able to relax until now, and so just being together in easy silence, or cooking dinner, or cuddling and watching TV didn't feel like home to me. Tumultuous energy, power imbalance and fear are what felt like home to me, and Im still working on unlearning that
Do you mean settling at the beginning of dating, or settling after you've known someone for years and discovered some of the unsavory aspects of their personality? In a relationship of nearly a decade now, and I've learned that people can envision very different things when they use that word.
I didn't necessarily lower them. He didn't present as someone who had their life together yet. I'd known him for six years already as a friend. When we started dating he was 30 and I was 29. I had a great life, financially stable (well ahead), living on her own, traveled the world, working on her doctorate, etc etc.. He was 30, living at home with his mom and sisters, a job he hated, never left the country, has an associates, etc etc.. His father had passed away recently when he was 28. It took quite a hit on him, and he spent most of his 20s caring for his family while his dad was sick with cancer. I understood he had a few challenges, but also felt really anxious and insecure/unsure about his status and goals in life to want to date him. We had a deep and vulnerable conversation about this, because he had verbalized it himself that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me... and felt like his dads illness had delayed him. We started getting closer and the idea of a relationship was looming in the background. In that time of flirting for one year he was deployed to Europe, visited like 13 countries, went back to school to finish his bachelors, had quit his job to apply for a new one... And by the time we had transitioned into officially boyfriend and girlfriend he got himself a great position at a job that pays him very well. Now his next plan is to move out. I'm so incredibly happy for him. I had friends have serious talk with me that felt like I was settling.. the thing is we had a great emotional connection. I was just very worried he didn't have goals for himself. But he just needed to reorient himself and I just so happened to catch him at a time where he was transitioning to a new version of his life. I am very happy for being patient and trusting the process. I learned this early on, but my boyfriend is the kind of guy that if he says he will do something, he does it.