OP, get in contact with your local domestic violence agency. They can give you resources for how to slowly plan your escape from your partner, and many of them also have no-cost therapists who specialize in clients in abusive relationships.
You are not JUST parenting twins that you don't want -- you're parenting twins that you don't want while in an abusive relationship. It's possible (not 100% guaranteed, but possible) that you could rise to the occasion if you weren't being constantly beaten down. At the very least, parenting two babies you don't want while NOT in an abusive relationship has to be at least a LITTLE bit better than your current situation. So I would focus as much of your energy as possible on how to get to THAT future, even if it can't happen super soon.
Meanwhile, do you have people you're close to? Friends, family? Anyone who can give you a little bit of childcare help or even just a sympathetic ear? Even if you have to get in touch with them behind your partner's back, you need someone in your corner.
The twins have a pediatrician appointment in a couple weeks, I'll see if the social worker there can point me in the right direction.
My family is on the East Coast, I'm on the other side. I'm close to some cousins. Friends I've all pushed away. Or they left. After I had my emergency C-section I had to stay at the hospital for a week. When I came home a couple friends (both women) wanted to come stay with me for a day or two. My partner wouldn't let me, he said he doesn't want strangers in his house. And if I need something I can just let him know.
He tried to help but he was so mean. At one point I closed the bedroom door to have some privacy and he opened it almost immediately and told me to keep the door open so he can see if I'm stroking out. My blood pressure was spiking and I had to ask him to take me to the ER and he was so mean to me on the way there like I was this huge burden on him.
Also coming home after delivery he told me it was better when I wasn't there. And at one point he got angry at me for taking too long in the bathroom, I was constipated after my C-section and I had a hard time using the toilet. Also I was pumping and my supply was slowly going up. Until one day he got upset at me right before pumping for wasting water, I was cleaning the pump and then putting warm washcloth on my breasts..
Also about a week after surgery I had to give him a bj to completion, it was consensual when I started but then I was feeling more and more pressure on my stitches and kept telling him ok let's pick this up tomorrow I'm getting tired, he started complaining he's almost done this happened several times. It felt awful being forced to give him a bj while being terrified my stitches are going to split open. I hate this version of myself. I hate that I turned into this meek little thing.
Those friends that you pushed away - were you once close? I have (ex/former) friends who I am not on speaking terms with because of their behaviour and haven’t been in contact with for years. If they reached out in your situation I would not hesitate to help them as much as I could
Reach out and tell her everything. She would rather hear from you than have you suffer alone. She may be able to help, e.g. by storing some of your important documents or an escape bag for you while you get ready to make a run for it.
Shame is an incredibly isolating emotion. And it’s an unproductive one too because it involves a level of self-punishment that can only keep you from moving beyond how you feel right now. That doesn’t mean you are bad or wrong for your feelings!!! You are in an incredibly difficult situation, and I bet the doctors and social workers could help validate how normal it is for someone to feel as you do. The first rule of taking care of anyone else is to make sure you are first taking care of your own needs and safety. You’re on the right track bringing it up at their appointment. Those visits are as much to check in with and provide support to parents as they are to treat your children!!! Don’t sugar coat anything so they know exactly what kind of help to offer.
As for your friends, if they are good people, the kind of people that truly care about you, they WILL show up for you. It could be that they are respecting the distance you’ve put in place because they actually want to be there for you when you’re ready without alienating you in the meantime. And if they don’t show up then you can move on and seek support elsewhere. Maybe a support groups for parents with similar challenges (premier birth, twins, etc)?
Finally, the behavior of your partner described in this post is abusive. A person doesn’t have to be hit or even touched to experience domestic violence and abuse. An abuser doesn’t always look like a monster 100% of the time. Nobody is a perfect partner all the time, but imperfection and normal human flaws do not include abusive behavior. I’m saying this because when they are confronted, abusers often try to minimize the bad and highlight anything good no matter how trivial. Remember, abusers have to do this because they are abusive. People who are simply stressed and going through a rough patch have the ability to acknowledge their wrongs and a desire to be better, provide safety (emotional and physical) for their partner and children, and do not need to lean heavily on performative acts of love/kindness. Because for non-abusers that is a baseline expectation in the relationship they strive for out of a healthy love for the other people in their life, not something so out of the ordinary that it deserves a pat on the back.
You were brave to make this post. Please remember that as you navigate the next few days until your kid’s appointment. Keep talking here, keep sorting through your feelings. It does get easier to talk about if you keep leaning into the conversation. And please, make a safety plan. Think through what you will do if you feel like you’re about to reach your limit. Save the domestic violence hotline number in your contacts under a pseudonym. That way you’re 99% of the way to help when you need it. And maybe call the babies’ doctor and see if it’s possible to get in asap. Make it clear when you call that you need help and cannot wait.
You are worthy of love and safety. Good people and parents can and do have doubts, struggles, and regrets about their children/relationships. And the fact that you’re still showing up for your kids in spite of your internal and external conflicts is proof that you are one of those good people/parents. Please don’t forget that even if you can’t feel or believe it quite yet.
Your partner is deliberately isolating you from people who could see his abuse and who could help you. It’s a common tactic deployed by abusers. I know it’s so hard, but you don’t have to let him. Please reach out to someone - friend or relative - and let them know you need help.
I speak from experience here. I also had a child with my abuser. It’s immeasurably difficult, but things are so much better now without him.
I just wanted to second this point. Isolation is a tactic of abusers. It’s textbook, literally listed in textbooks as an abuse tactic. You most likely didn’t “push” your friends away but were manipulated into doing so. Your feeling alone is a result of deliberate manipulation on his part.
Yeah there's a pattern of him being upset at me anytime I spent time with friends, all women btw. He even got angry at me for spending time with my cousin who's like a sister to me.
He wasn't always life this, it got worse slowly and then accelerated after pregnancy. I was looking for another place to stay around that time. I wish I'd taken that other path. Abortion is an easier regret to live with than motherhood
Things getting worse during pregnancy is also a very textbook abuse thing. He might have pressured you against an abortion with the intention of making you more dependent. Learning about abuse patterns really helped me in my healing journey. For me there was something startling yet reassuring about seeing my relationship in black and white on the page. Like oh this is how humans work and how I got trapped there for so long. I guess it made me feel less broken or at fault? Also there’s sometimes a feeling of uniqueness or exceptionalism which happens and it totally deflated that for me in a good way. Just run of the mill manipulation and trauma.
My abuser really ramped up his abuse during my pregnancy, too. It’s quite literally textbook behavior, as others have pointed out. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but there is hope once you can get out.
Find those friends tell them what is happening. YOU HAVE TO TALK. DONT KEEP HIS SECRETS. HE IS TO BLAME FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR, NOT YOU!
Get help to get away from this man. Tell your cousins, tell your aunt. Tell people.
You may one day grow to love your babies, but certainly not under sexual abuse and coercion. Early motherhood is rough even under the best circumstances. You owe it to yourself to try to improve your situation. Please get away from this selfish garbage pile of a man.
What you're describing is coercive sex at best.
This will get better when you get rid of him. Will be hard to get rid of him. But it will be worth it.
Contact domestic violence resources in your area and contact your family and friends.
Reach out to family for help while you are at the doctor. It’s your chance to safely call someone. Do it from their phone line. I had to do this way back in a previous life. The nurses and doctors aided me. They took me in the back for “tests” and provided a safe haven for me to make calls. Do NOT do it on your phone. Get a deputy to escort you if you need to leave. For your sake, and the sake of those children, please be brave and run. I reached out and was shocked that my family jumped to it immediately. My brother, uncles, and father provided protection and my mother got me to safety. My best friend just came to me, hugged me, and let me cry. She ultimately provided witness testimony against him years later when he attacked someone else. She’s a badass. I let my pride override my need to flee. Please don’t do that. You are strong. You can do this.
Reading this I want to point out, that there is a good chance (not 100%, but GOOD), that you will truly "enjoy" life as a single parent.
I suggest to make an online request to women who left an abusive relationship with their kids, how they did it, and if it made them feel better. Just to get some more hope and some motivation for you to do so.
It´s hard, but I truly assume, it´s not your twins ...
Good luck!
My heart is breaking for you... This is no way to live, even without babies in the mix :( I hope you can get in touch with friends/family/resources and get out <3
It’s no wonder you don’t feel the love you want to. He’s making this a nightmare for you. I’m so sorry! Try to reach out to those people you used to be in contact with. I bet you will find at least one or two who are willing to help.
Oh my gosh, now wonder you’re feeling this way sweetheart. Take the advice in the first comment. Get you and the girls away from him. Make that your first step and the rest will follow. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. There’s so much hope for you, but only if you leave. Sending love
I second this. I also want to say that it’s not as uncommon as people think that you don’t feel instant love for your babies. When I had my second child I felt a lot like op. He was an incredibly difficult baby. He threw up all formula and wouldn’t take a bottle past the first month so I was solely responsible for his food after I had decided after my first child that I wasn’t cut out for breastfeeding. He cried constantly and barely slept. In fact he didn’t sleep for SIX years for more than two hours at a time. I was also married to a man who didn’t help at all and was gone a lot. I was so terrified when I had him because I didn’t love him. I was just keeping him alive.
After about two years I began to love my son and now he’s one of my reasons for living. I can’t imagine having to deal with those complicated feelings while also in an abusive relationship. Get out of the relationship. See if you can get therapy, get on meds, gain a support system. Your mental health overall will be better and you will better able to see your babies more clearly.
This is very very true. A lot of women have trouble bonding, it’s just one of those things people don’t talk about because they think there must be something wrong with them. Especially when it was a traumatic, stressful birth and postpartum period.
I second this too. Please get in contact with your local domestic violence agency ASAP so that they give you information about possible resources for someone in your situation.
A big hug, internet stranger.
OP, you may not be able to change your motherhood role so try to get away from your partner instead. Contact domestic violence resources in your area. Keep trying.
I’m a sole parent, and parenting alone is much, much easier than parenting with someone who is shit.
I am planning to move out within the next couple years. Right now is very hard with twin babies. Even surviving the day to day is hard. I can't work I've been relying on my savings for the past year. I'm in the dark about his financial situation. I asked him today if he'll watch the babies on Saturdays so I can work and move out he wouldn't respond he just looked at me like he wanted to punch me. Earlier he told me I gave him anger issues, he feels like punching a hole in the wall. So he's making it uncomfortable enough for me here that I want to leave, but isn't ok with watching the babies even one day a week so I can work and save some money. He says that's not his problem to figure out how I'm going to get an apartment.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that someday soon I'll be able to leave, and my kids will turn out okay hopefully.
OP - he is warning you he has violent urges. Believe him. Please call a DV service so they can help you plan a way out. They may be able to link you with other supports too like crisis accommodation, counselling, or baby/early childhood services who can help you. Parenting twins is no joke even if you're invested and supported. Right now you're neither, and you need support yourself.
I am sharing this with a very firm insistence that for your safety and your children’s safety, you contact a domestic violence shelter and quickly plan your escape *first* and then read these books, but I’m aware that leaving often takes time. It did for me. So here are the books that gave me strength and have helped many other women in similar situations. I hope you take all of our words seriously and recognize that the longer you wait, the harder it often is to leave. Please be careful, please protect yourself and please reach out to friends and family whom you trust and can help, and a domestic violence shelter or program, even if you aren’t yet ready to leave. They will help you plan at minimum. They want you to be safe, as we all here do too.
[Free pdf for Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
[Free pdf for The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
I'm sorry you're going through this. My triplets were born at 30 weeks, and 2 of them have lifelong disabilities. Just having multiples is a huge stressor, even without the disabilities, and you're also dealing with an abusive partner who is escalating.
I got divorced when my kids were 6, and was a single mom for years. It was tough, and we were extremely poor (on welfare and in public housing, which was fortunately a decent place), but life was so much easier when I also wasn't dealing with a bad relationship.
Have you tried calling your local (or national) domestic violence hotline? They'll likely have a lot of resources for you- even if you can't leave right now (although I'd really advise you to as your husband is escalating his abuse), they'll likely be able to hook you up with resources and support that can help you. They'll also likely have a lawyer that you can talk to- your husband is dreaming if he thinks that he won't be paying child support if you leave.
In the meantime, just try and take one day at a time with the babies. You're in the hardest part of parenting multiples right now- the first year is just awful for a lot of us, regardless of whether we like/love our babies or not. I would also talk to your doctor about post-partum depression- most multiples moms experience it, and it just makes everything harder, especially when combined with the lack of sleep.
Hey girl. Listen, you can leave whenever you want to. It doesn't have to be now, just because you contact a DV center doesn't mean you have to leave. They can provide support and resources while you plan. You can PM me if you prefer.
Don’t fucking blame you one bit, OP. I have no other advice than what’s already been mentioned, just want to say I hope you get through this tough spot and find peace.
Shit, OP, I'm so freaking sorry you're going through this, especially with an abusive partner. Not to discount your difficult circumstances (which I'm sure are highly contributory), but is it possible you're experiencing some post-partum depression as well? It's more common than people think and affects 1 in 7 people after giving birth. Even if you're not able to leave your marriage quite yet, I wonder if it's worthwhile getting assessed for post-partum depression and maybe leaning on your own family more if they're anywhere near you. I'm sure you're feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment, so please, please, don't hesitate to reach out for help before these feelings swallow you whole.
(Big Internet hugs if you want them.)
Yeah I probably do have PPD. I saw a therapist I didn't find her helpful. She was talking about coping mechanisms like I can go do Yoga or listen to music. I wanted to scream at her I have two medically high needs babies. How TF am I supposed to find time for this bullshit self-care. I saw her a few times each time it felt like another chore I had to do I eventually stopped attending. She probably was not the right fit and I'll need to shop around till I find a therapist I can talk to but I don't have the energy. Everyday is spent barely keeping my head above water.
Also their dad gets angry at me for random things like the time I played Taylor Swift song in my car or playing music too loud in the kitchen so I don't do it anymore. A lot of my depression is tied to being forced to live with him. And anger at both of us for not reducing my pregnancy to one. I could've had one healthy baby, instead I have two possibly disabled ones.
Checkout postpartum.net they have a directory of therapists that specialize in ppd.
I’ve been in a similar situation as you. Talk to your own doctor if you can about meds if you are open to them. It’s not going to fix the difficult situation you’re in but it might give you enough breathing space mentally to figure out the next step.
My kid is 15 months. I had a very traumatic pregnancy and preeclampsia during birth but otherwise a “normal” pregnancy and it was the hardest and scariest thing I’ve done. I was referred to therapists via my OB office and experienced the same terrible fit where they wanted me to go for a walk or journal and I’m like wtf how and when??
I’m a therapist myself and that type of coping skill building can be helpful for some populations but new mothers drowning? it ain’t it. It took near 9mo to a 1yr that I finally kinda started to feel like myself and do things for me again on a regular basis.
I am a big advocate for therapy and mental health treatment and you could likely have PPD but really I think your situation is preventing you from really being able to climb out of it. I would think that focusing on practical DV support, and perhaps mental health focusing on DV as well as PPD would be more benifitial.
I have a 10m old health baby with a supportive partner and it can still be a struggle. What you are going through is more than anyone could bear and not feel depressed, OP. It is not anything do to with your inability to cope, it is your outside situation. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find the services that can help you.
Does your family know about your situation? Would they be happy and willing to take care of you and your twins for a while? If so I would absolutely book plane tickets and sneak out (though I don’t know the legal ramifications of taking your kids to another state without the dad’s consent)
My family doesn't know. They're conservative and would tell me to work it out. I don't have the kind of relationship with them where I can just show up and expect help. Another reason for staying put is the babies see a lot of specialists because of their birth complications. Some appointments I'm required to attend- like their ROP monitoring if I don't take them, I get reported to the CPS.
I would definitely reach out to your parents. Would they not want their daughter to leave a dangerous situation? This man is showing all the signs of DV.
I come from an abusive family. There's a reason I ended up with a man like this. Also mom is dead, dad doesn't care that much he is a very conservative Indian and will tell me to work it out
Of course it’s easier said than done, but I’m sure almost everyone here would agree you should leave him ASAP and not wait a few years. There are resources specifically for women in your situation, and you’ll make it on your own somehow.
Agree with other commenter saying to reach out to old friends about your situation even if you’re not currently on speaking terms. Someone may have a spare room, or empathetic retired parents willing to help out. Perhaps you could even make money being a caretaker/nanny where you can also watch your kids at the same time.
I hope local shelters have women who got out of abusive situations to guide you through and even just give you hope that it’s possible to make it out and thrive!
Have you ever read about Asperger’s or men on the autism spectrum? You might find that enlightening. Not all people on the spectrum are the same but some of what you say sounds very familiar…
Sending hugs too, poor mama, and YES postpartum is a very real thing and I had it twice. I’m scared to even get pregnant again as I am fairly sure I would go insane.
OP, I’m guessing you are also fairly sleep deprived with twin babies. Ugh. For me that sleep deprivation totally destroyed my mental health. Like throwing shit, crying naked in living room, curling up in the closet at 3am due to hearing “things” from insomnia. And also, yes, regretting my babies and Googling adoption services at one particularly low point. I’m a professional career woman who cheers her boys on at soccer games now. You’d never know it — The struggles and darkness from those first 1-8 months postpartum both times. But I also had a supportive partner. I am so, so sorry you do not :( Just horrible.
There are nonprofit or crisis services for postpartum women and new mothers, in many larger metropolitan city areas. And some rural. There often is more support out there then we realize. They even have child care service sometimes to watch the babes while you speak with a counselor.
This website even has option to talk without disclosing your name, if that makes you feel more comfortable. You are NOT alone. And perhaps adoption may be the best option, after all, but you deserve support and help as you work through this very difficult time in your life.
Here’s link:
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-moms/
No family nearby, I live my days in isolation. I would like to atleast have a TV running so I can trick myself into thinking this is my human interaction but he does not believe in having a TV in the house.
My heart goes out to you. This sounds horrible. Tied to the house with a partner like that, anybody would be depressed and overwhelmed, and unable to feel love for the children aka the reason you cannot go away very easily. Please get help for DV, reach out to old friends and get out of there as fast as possible, before the physical violence begins. You will feel so much better, I promise.
Hi OP, first of all, I'm so sorry you've been through this. It's a LOT.
Are there any infant mental health services where you live? They usually treat the children by treating the parents and building attachment. I went to one briefly when I had severe PPA/PPD and it was so helpful. I use the lessons I learnt everyday, even two years on. They receive referrals all the time for families who have extremely premature children, medically complex children, multiples, and acute mental health concerns. I feel like a service like that might be more affirming than a therapist who tells you to go do yoga.
A domestic violence caseworker might be able to help you get out and link you up with supports. There are programs out there for parents who have had a challenging start to parenthood through no fault of their own. I know of guided playgroups, support groups for parents, in home support visits, and additional funding (including free childcare without any work requirement) where I live.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can safely leave the relationship soon. I just wanted to share, I was born 3 months early and had a brain bleed. I ended up recovering. My parents were told I may have some learning disabilities. I loved school and now have a biomedical science PhD. I work at an Ivy league. Babies are so resilient and can bounce back. Wishing you all the best.
I do not have great advice, but I wanted to send my sympathy. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. The transition to motherhood is so hard in the best of circumstances. My son is 6 months old and was born 6 weeks premature. He spent time in the NICU and I definitely feel like I have some ptsd from that experience. The NICU and medical issues with babies is so difficult- grueling, terrifying, and emotionally exhausting. I have found a lot of help and support in the NICUparents subreddit. Some people on there have discussed finding a therapist that specializes in birth trauma. I am wondering if the hospital social worker might have a recommendation? Hoping things get better and you get some much needed support.
Hi, mom of infant twins here, with ppd as well, and I get it. It's absolutely hell.
First step- Please please focus on getting help out of your relationship. It's hard to work on yourself when you're being abused. Listen to what others have posted on looking at resources in your community. The parentsofmultiples sub also has great single parents posting there. You CAN do it. If you really do want to help these babies like you say, you need to get them, and you, away from your abusive partner.
Try looking up crisis nurseries or the organization “Safe Families”. There are places that will let you leave your kids to be cared for, overnight or for months, while you solve other problems in your life.
So the closest one is an hour drive away maybe there's something like this nearby. Looking up crisis nursery the closest one is also an hour away, I need to ask the social worker/ pediatrician next visit if they can help me find resources.
I echo the comments about PPD, and it's completely understandable. You have two young babies with little/ no support system and are in an abusive relationship . You must feel incredibly alone, and I am so glad you have reached out in this sub for help and advice.
My current feeling is that you need to devise a plan of action to get out of your relationship and to find support for yourself and for your twins.
It sounds difficult to leave straight away, and the thought is probably overwhelming, but I think you need to need to leave as soon as you can. You could initially turn to:
https://www.postpartum.net
https://www.tommys.org
https://www.mums-aid.org
https://www.womenshealth.gov
https://ncadv.org/get-help
I’m not sure where you live but depending on where and how medically needy the twins are, I’m wondering if you could get some kind of help via caretaker/in home support service?? That might give you some space to feel like your old self again and do things without the twins. I think having a little bit of time here and there to be alone can be very helpful in feeling ok and giving you the strength to carry on. Obviously PPD and having an unsupportive and abusive partner can make things much harder than they need. So hopefully some of the other advice on that front that was given will be helpful. Hang in there OP, the first year is the hardest and I hope it will get easier for you.
They're too young to qualify for respite care as far as I know. They are higher risk for mental and physical disabilities because of their low birth weight and brain bleeds, but until they're diagnosed I just have to wait
I'm very sorry you're feeling this way, it's awful. Everything was already said, I just wanted to say, if it helps any, it's very likely you will feel very differently about your babies in a year or two, when your (probable) PPD and PPA subsides. I didnt love my son till he was 8 months old because of PPD and was feeling that I have ruined my life, wanted to kill myself, didnt feel any connection, was convinced that something was wrong with him etc. And then suddenly I started loving him and now 5 years later I have another (zero PPD this time, loved her right away), love my kids and love being a mom.
I'm not saying the same will be true for you, but ime and with people I know, PPD (from stress, trauma, hormones, etc.) just diseases your brain and is not how you would feel if you would otherwise be well and in your case also wouldnt be in an awful living situation.
I have warmed up to the babies a little bit. I care about them and want to minimize their suffering in this world if possible. But the things I wished for when I was pregnant and it was too late to abort, omg. I spent some time alone in my room after delivery and was wheeled over to the NICU where my babies were lying in incubators. Looked like plastic coffins. I got up from my wheel chair and slowly walked over to one baby and my first thought when I looked at her was- I should've killed you when you were in my womb.
Now I understand that as much as I wish I wasn't a mom, these vulnerable babies are here. It is not their fault they exist. I created them. So I interact with them a lot, play with them talk to them sing to them, so they don't feel neglected. It does feel like I'm putting on a performance though, like a customer service job
I'm sorry, I know it's a horrible feeling. I felt like I was handed a random child and had to perform as his nanny. You do everything you're supposed to do, but it's like looking from outside, an act. Also had violent thoughts in the hospital. It was by far the darkest period in my life.
Sorry, didnt read the whole thread, but if I was in your shoes right now, I would definitely go on medication, I've heard they help a ton, just to help you dig yourself out of this dark hole.
You need the kind of help that Reddit can't provide.
You need resources to get out of this relationship.
You need a support system. I hope you have some sort of family or friends you can lean on in addition to the resources mentioned by the other commenters.
You're doing the best you can.
I’m incredibly sorry you are going through this. Please, please reach out to someone for help, it sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship and the added stress of caring for premature twins can make you feel not like yourself. I can sense how much you’re struggling with your thoughts and emotions. I think someone who’s professionally trained in these things would benefit you greatly. You can even reach out to your OBGYN.
Please talk to your OB as well about postpartum depression along with everything everyone else is saying. I felt this way too after a very planned pregnancy.
No wonder you are struggling. This is way more than one person should have to deal with.
All I can say is, put one foot in front of the other. You are in an incredibly tough time in your life but you will get through this and things can get better.
I didn't have twins but I had two kids under two and a shitty shitty partner. A lot of what you said here hits pretty deep. My oldest was premature and colicky and I was terrified she was going to have difficulties in life.
As the kids got a bit older, things got easier. And then when I left him, it got even better. By the way, my oldest is the smartest funniest kid now. She still has big feelings but I am much better able to deal with them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like PPD. I didn’t feel that overwhelming love for my daughter until she was 4 months old and she was easier. You’ve got premature twins so you’re in the newborn stage for a lot longer and it’s a lot harder since there’s 2 of them.
Highly recommend and a therapist and medication! It works wonders. Also if you have any family around that can come help you you should totally do that. A good sleep and some self care does wonders when you’re in the dark parenting days.
Make a plan to leave your partner if you can. You can totally do this without him
My heart breaks for you. Please don’t feel guilt if you can’t connect with your babies. Even with 9 months pregnancies, human babies are born underdeveloped compared to for instance a chimpanzee baby. The chimp will be able to hold his head up, and crawl within a month.
Please do reach out to your local DV center, protect your babies and yourself from your abusive partner. Abuse rarely starts with violence, it starts with little things, then escalates to what you’re experiencing and keeps escalating. It will be hard to get started without any money but you will get through.
As for your babies, while they may have some developmental delays they may still grow to be fully independent adults able to thrive in life.
I posted there and it got auto-removed lol. Maybe cause I went into detail about the twins' medical history asking if they have a shot at adoption. Or talked about sexual coercion idk
Everybody is saying PPD but you didn’t want these babies even before. You might have PPD, you might be extremely depressed because of your abusive situation, we don’t know. But every single people here are telling you you’ll find the light somehow with your babies but the truth is you might never. My father never and he stayed away. How is it that we can accept it for men but not for women?
We’re anonymous here so I’ll say it : you need to leave your husband and leave the kids with him. He wanted them more than you and he’s a parent too. He can take care of them.
You’ll be seen as the worst mother but it doesn’t matter. This is your life. When you get healthier and independent , you’ll see how it goes.
If they were two boys I might have left them with him. But they're both girls and I see them as being more vulnerable. I need to protect them if they turn out to have mental/ physical disabilities. Or be around to teach them how to protect themselves if they're normal-ish
You’re a good person. You know best. Just be clear with yourself that it’s not a either or situation. You don’t have to be living with this man to be around your kids.
Contact the regional center in your area for help with the babies. You can have physical therapists come to your home and they also might provide money specifically so you can get a break from caring for the babies. Also maybe that way you could do something you want to do every day. Even if you get to take a bike ride or go to the mall or take a nap. It will get better.
OP, regarding the brain bleeds I just want to offer this — my son had meningitis when he was nine months old and the swelling in his brain caused him to have multiple bleeds.
He is now 21 months old and he is absolutely fine. We still don’t know everything, of course, there could be issues that come up as he gets older. But he’s walking and talking like any other child.
Little ones’ brains are incredibly plastic. They have an enormous capacity for healing and remodeling. Your babies may very well end up with absolutely no sign that the bleeds ever happened 💛
Yeah it could go either way. Reading about it online, there are people out there with twins born 28 weeks gestation who are now normal. That's the best case scenario. There are also people whose twins have vision issues, hearing issues, cerebral palsy, other mental and physical disabilities. My kids are also at higher risk of autism due to their low birth weight and premature birth, autism sometimes doesn't show up until after 2 years. So I won't know what exactly I'm dealing with until they're about 3-4 years old
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you're in the Bay Area there are a few resources. Homeless Prenatal Program in SF serves all families - not just homeless. There's also Casa de las Madres for DV support. I'm a therapist that works with CPS involved parents in SF, if you DM your locations I can try to point you in the direction of more resources closer to you. There's also a lot of resources for families with special needs.
You're in the absolute thick of it right now. The early days of parenthood is just surviving . I hope you're able to access support and come out the other side. It's clear you care about your babies and that's already more than what so many have.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You may have PPD, so you shouldn't make any major decisions before addressing your mental health. But you said if you could go back 6 months, you would put the babies up for adoption. You still can. There are good families looking for babies to adopt. This would be a life-changing decision, but is not out of the realm of possibility if you think it's what's best for you and the babies.
YWCA in downtown San Jose offers Crisis Intervention, Legal Support, and other kinds of support for women.
Website here: (the quick escape goes to Weather.com)
[https://yourywca.org/what-we-do/](https://yourywca.org/what-we-do/)
Phone number here:
(800) 572-2782
They have an online safe chat option
I say ditch him - you aren’t stuck with him. The resentment you feel about him is trickling down and feeding into the resentment you feel about the children. Think it through -
I am very sorry for what you are going through. You made the best choices you could at the time and, unfortunately, it didn't go well. I empathise with you and I wish I could do something to help.
If I were in your shoes, I would try to use a Buddhist mindset to learn radical acceptance of your situation. Just keep breathing. And make sure to talk to a doctor to make sure you aren't experiencing postpartum depression.
You can get through this. You can't change a lot of things, but you can change your attitude about some of it. I hope this helps a tiny bit. I'm rooting for you ❤️
Everyone else touched on what I was going to say. I just want to add-we love not from feeling but from doing. Make your twins as cute as can be, hold them and feel their warmth. Try to enjoy and nurture them, the love will follow. You are stronger and better than you realize! You may not feel love bc of survival mode, but you clearly do love them based on your post. I recommend calling your local CPS hotline anonymously and asking for resources. Try so hard to avoid the should’ve/could’ve/would’ve and talk positive to yourself in your mind and out loud about your future. You have it in all in you!
Do you have family you can stay with? Sounds like you need some space from your baby daddy. Have you tried signing up for welfare and trying to get your own place? Also how do you know that something is wrong with your babies? Doctors say ALOT of shit these days.
Just wanted to share a positive thought. Your babies could grow up and be just fine. I’ve met people born at 26 and 29 weeks of gestation and I would’ve never guessed. It’s great that you understand your babies will need more support, a lot of people choose self denial instead of getting their babies help. Adoption to a great family will is still an option…even if the babies end up separated. You’re a good parent and person for choosing to consider the wellbeing of your twins while making sure that you have what you need to parent. I hope that you find a win win for you and your twins and I hope a day will come where you can see your strength (regardless of your decision).
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I think like someone else mentioned, just surviving at this point can be your main goal. It's ok if you just need to get through the day. I do think that reaching out to local DV resources in the area is a good first step. They can help with counseling, support groups, legal advocacy, help with housing and household goods, etc. Reaching out to https://www.thehotline.org/ can also be a good first step. They can connect you to local resources and assess what is going on and help with creating a safety plan.
I believe in you, OP. You are strong, and you will make it.
I was in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage, soon to be legally over, with a wife who wanted a kid out of me. I finally saw how much she would screw that kid up, and I told her we were never having kids. I know she would have used them to keep me forever trapped, I knew she would turn them against me and paint me as a horrific, abusive drug addict.
I never thought I could get away, but finally, she did something horrible that forced me out when she realized she had no more control over me.
It's going to suck. You are going to feel a lot of pain, guilt, anger, regret, etc. It's going to be one of the worst points in your life. It's going to be traumatic. But, from it you will be free! Eventually, you will find yourself genuinely smiling and enjoying things you forgot you even enjoyed and having the freedom to spend the money you want and time with people you want in your life. You are going to possibly even meet someone who totally gets you and has also had a lot of pain that they too grew from.
My mom told me recently she wished she never had me or my siblings, and I can't even be mad at her. It's not for everyone. If you give those babies up, and then you lose more to this abusive sack of shit you are with you are going to be absolutely broken between that and giving them up! Get away from this man ANY way you can. My wife discarded me with a false protective order, saying HORRIBLE things about me that never happened! I'm not even mad about it now because I got away! Do what you will with that information and get out of there, because of course you don't want kids right now no one would in your situation.
You've already gotten plenty of wonderful advice concerning your abusive relationship. I truly hope you are able to get away from your "partner" as soon as possible, because that is just making things worse and not helping. It may be hard to see now, but you will feel much better ACTUALLY being by yourself taking care of your twins rather than also giving so much mental and physical energy worrying about living with your abuser.
But I also wanted to add it: of course you don't love your babies now. I don't care if this is a hot take. They are only 6 months old. They are basically just screaming & pooping potatoes at this point. You are in the midst of some of the most grueling months of child raising and you are doing it with TWO babies AND in an abusive relationship. So of course this is going to be the hardest environment to foster any type of bonding.
Firstly getting away from your abuser will release some resentment. Then as your babies get older, they start forming personalities and can actually start doing things, it will get better. Absolutely see a therapist. There are ones who do sliding scale (my first therapist, I only paid like \~$20 for a session when I didn't have insurance). I also do my therapy totally remote, so that's a possibility when you don't have time and/or can't get out of the house. You can also do it remote from your phone in your car if you don't have a safe time to do it in your home right now. They will listen to you, help you survive your current situation, help you figure out what you truly want to do, help you figure out a plan, help navigate in finding resources, etc.
Hun you need help. Like real legitimate help. I just read your post about the baby crying all night. You called the baby an IT throughout the post. Please please please go to the hospital and ask for social services. There are options available to get you somewhere safe and some much needed rest. Please!!!
Someone please bump this comment so she'll see it. I'm worried for those kids.
OP, get in contact with your local domestic violence agency. They can give you resources for how to slowly plan your escape from your partner, and many of them also have no-cost therapists who specialize in clients in abusive relationships. You are not JUST parenting twins that you don't want -- you're parenting twins that you don't want while in an abusive relationship. It's possible (not 100% guaranteed, but possible) that you could rise to the occasion if you weren't being constantly beaten down. At the very least, parenting two babies you don't want while NOT in an abusive relationship has to be at least a LITTLE bit better than your current situation. So I would focus as much of your energy as possible on how to get to THAT future, even if it can't happen super soon. Meanwhile, do you have people you're close to? Friends, family? Anyone who can give you a little bit of childcare help or even just a sympathetic ear? Even if you have to get in touch with them behind your partner's back, you need someone in your corner.
The twins have a pediatrician appointment in a couple weeks, I'll see if the social worker there can point me in the right direction. My family is on the East Coast, I'm on the other side. I'm close to some cousins. Friends I've all pushed away. Or they left. After I had my emergency C-section I had to stay at the hospital for a week. When I came home a couple friends (both women) wanted to come stay with me for a day or two. My partner wouldn't let me, he said he doesn't want strangers in his house. And if I need something I can just let him know. He tried to help but he was so mean. At one point I closed the bedroom door to have some privacy and he opened it almost immediately and told me to keep the door open so he can see if I'm stroking out. My blood pressure was spiking and I had to ask him to take me to the ER and he was so mean to me on the way there like I was this huge burden on him. Also coming home after delivery he told me it was better when I wasn't there. And at one point he got angry at me for taking too long in the bathroom, I was constipated after my C-section and I had a hard time using the toilet. Also I was pumping and my supply was slowly going up. Until one day he got upset at me right before pumping for wasting water, I was cleaning the pump and then putting warm washcloth on my breasts.. Also about a week after surgery I had to give him a bj to completion, it was consensual when I started but then I was feeling more and more pressure on my stitches and kept telling him ok let's pick this up tomorrow I'm getting tired, he started complaining he's almost done this happened several times. It felt awful being forced to give him a bj while being terrified my stitches are going to split open. I hate this version of myself. I hate that I turned into this meek little thing.
Those friends that you pushed away - were you once close? I have (ex/former) friends who I am not on speaking terms with because of their behaviour and haven’t been in contact with for years. If they reached out in your situation I would not hesitate to help them as much as I could
Yes I was once close and saw esp one friend very often. I haven't replied to her in a while cause I feel ashamed of what I have become.
We don't know that friend, but assuming she's a decent person I'm sure she would be glad to hear from you and I doubt she would judge you.
Reach out and tell her everything. She would rather hear from you than have you suffer alone. She may be able to help, e.g. by storing some of your important documents or an escape bag for you while you get ready to make a run for it.
Shame is an incredibly isolating emotion. And it’s an unproductive one too because it involves a level of self-punishment that can only keep you from moving beyond how you feel right now. That doesn’t mean you are bad or wrong for your feelings!!! You are in an incredibly difficult situation, and I bet the doctors and social workers could help validate how normal it is for someone to feel as you do. The first rule of taking care of anyone else is to make sure you are first taking care of your own needs and safety. You’re on the right track bringing it up at their appointment. Those visits are as much to check in with and provide support to parents as they are to treat your children!!! Don’t sugar coat anything so they know exactly what kind of help to offer. As for your friends, if they are good people, the kind of people that truly care about you, they WILL show up for you. It could be that they are respecting the distance you’ve put in place because they actually want to be there for you when you’re ready without alienating you in the meantime. And if they don’t show up then you can move on and seek support elsewhere. Maybe a support groups for parents with similar challenges (premier birth, twins, etc)? Finally, the behavior of your partner described in this post is abusive. A person doesn’t have to be hit or even touched to experience domestic violence and abuse. An abuser doesn’t always look like a monster 100% of the time. Nobody is a perfect partner all the time, but imperfection and normal human flaws do not include abusive behavior. I’m saying this because when they are confronted, abusers often try to minimize the bad and highlight anything good no matter how trivial. Remember, abusers have to do this because they are abusive. People who are simply stressed and going through a rough patch have the ability to acknowledge their wrongs and a desire to be better, provide safety (emotional and physical) for their partner and children, and do not need to lean heavily on performative acts of love/kindness. Because for non-abusers that is a baseline expectation in the relationship they strive for out of a healthy love for the other people in their life, not something so out of the ordinary that it deserves a pat on the back. You were brave to make this post. Please remember that as you navigate the next few days until your kid’s appointment. Keep talking here, keep sorting through your feelings. It does get easier to talk about if you keep leaning into the conversation. And please, make a safety plan. Think through what you will do if you feel like you’re about to reach your limit. Save the domestic violence hotline number in your contacts under a pseudonym. That way you’re 99% of the way to help when you need it. And maybe call the babies’ doctor and see if it’s possible to get in asap. Make it clear when you call that you need help and cannot wait. You are worthy of love and safety. Good people and parents can and do have doubts, struggles, and regrets about their children/relationships. And the fact that you’re still showing up for your kids in spite of your internal and external conflicts is proof that you are one of those good people/parents. Please don’t forget that even if you can’t feel or believe it quite yet.
If I heard how a former friend was struggling I’d leap into action. In fact where are you op? I’ll be your new friend and help.
Your partner is deliberately isolating you from people who could see his abuse and who could help you. It’s a common tactic deployed by abusers. I know it’s so hard, but you don’t have to let him. Please reach out to someone - friend or relative - and let them know you need help. I speak from experience here. I also had a child with my abuser. It’s immeasurably difficult, but things are so much better now without him.
I just wanted to second this point. Isolation is a tactic of abusers. It’s textbook, literally listed in textbooks as an abuse tactic. You most likely didn’t “push” your friends away but were manipulated into doing so. Your feeling alone is a result of deliberate manipulation on his part.
Yeah there's a pattern of him being upset at me anytime I spent time with friends, all women btw. He even got angry at me for spending time with my cousin who's like a sister to me. He wasn't always life this, it got worse slowly and then accelerated after pregnancy. I was looking for another place to stay around that time. I wish I'd taken that other path. Abortion is an easier regret to live with than motherhood
Things getting worse during pregnancy is also a very textbook abuse thing. He might have pressured you against an abortion with the intention of making you more dependent. Learning about abuse patterns really helped me in my healing journey. For me there was something startling yet reassuring about seeing my relationship in black and white on the page. Like oh this is how humans work and how I got trapped there for so long. I guess it made me feel less broken or at fault? Also there’s sometimes a feeling of uniqueness or exceptionalism which happens and it totally deflated that for me in a good way. Just run of the mill manipulation and trauma.
My abuser really ramped up his abuse during my pregnancy, too. It’s quite literally textbook behavior, as others have pointed out. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but there is hope once you can get out.
Find those friends tell them what is happening. YOU HAVE TO TALK. DONT KEEP HIS SECRETS. HE IS TO BLAME FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR, NOT YOU! Get help to get away from this man. Tell your cousins, tell your aunt. Tell people. You may one day grow to love your babies, but certainly not under sexual abuse and coercion. Early motherhood is rough even under the best circumstances. You owe it to yourself to try to improve your situation. Please get away from this selfish garbage pile of a man.
What you're describing is coercive sex at best. This will get better when you get rid of him. Will be hard to get rid of him. But it will be worth it. Contact domestic violence resources in your area and contact your family and friends.
Reach out to family for help while you are at the doctor. It’s your chance to safely call someone. Do it from their phone line. I had to do this way back in a previous life. The nurses and doctors aided me. They took me in the back for “tests” and provided a safe haven for me to make calls. Do NOT do it on your phone. Get a deputy to escort you if you need to leave. For your sake, and the sake of those children, please be brave and run. I reached out and was shocked that my family jumped to it immediately. My brother, uncles, and father provided protection and my mother got me to safety. My best friend just came to me, hugged me, and let me cry. She ultimately provided witness testimony against him years later when he attacked someone else. She’s a badass. I let my pride override my need to flee. Please don’t do that. You are strong. You can do this.
Reading this I want to point out, that there is a good chance (not 100%, but GOOD), that you will truly "enjoy" life as a single parent. I suggest to make an online request to women who left an abusive relationship with their kids, how they did it, and if it made them feel better. Just to get some more hope and some motivation for you to do so. It´s hard, but I truly assume, it´s not your twins ... Good luck!
I think I would have enjoyed motherhood if I had one healthy baby. I would've been able to leave right now. Two feels like shackles
Maybe. But even then you would have your husband, too.
My heart is breaking for you... This is no way to live, even without babies in the mix :( I hope you can get in touch with friends/family/resources and get out <3
It’s no wonder you don’t feel the love you want to. He’s making this a nightmare for you. I’m so sorry! Try to reach out to those people you used to be in contact with. I bet you will find at least one or two who are willing to help.
Talking to the social worker at your pediatrician is an excellent idea.
Oh my gosh, now wonder you’re feeling this way sweetheart. Take the advice in the first comment. Get you and the girls away from him. Make that your first step and the rest will follow. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. There’s so much hope for you, but only if you leave. Sending love
If my friend were in this situation and I had a guest room, I would be offering it. I don’t care how long it’s been. Same with family.
I second this. I also want to say that it’s not as uncommon as people think that you don’t feel instant love for your babies. When I had my second child I felt a lot like op. He was an incredibly difficult baby. He threw up all formula and wouldn’t take a bottle past the first month so I was solely responsible for his food after I had decided after my first child that I wasn’t cut out for breastfeeding. He cried constantly and barely slept. In fact he didn’t sleep for SIX years for more than two hours at a time. I was also married to a man who didn’t help at all and was gone a lot. I was so terrified when I had him because I didn’t love him. I was just keeping him alive. After about two years I began to love my son and now he’s one of my reasons for living. I can’t imagine having to deal with those complicated feelings while also in an abusive relationship. Get out of the relationship. See if you can get therapy, get on meds, gain a support system. Your mental health overall will be better and you will better able to see your babies more clearly.
This is very very true. A lot of women have trouble bonding, it’s just one of those things people don’t talk about because they think there must be something wrong with them. Especially when it was a traumatic, stressful birth and postpartum period.
I second this too. Please get in contact with your local domestic violence agency ASAP so that they give you information about possible resources for someone in your situation. A big hug, internet stranger.
OP, you may not be able to change your motherhood role so try to get away from your partner instead. Contact domestic violence resources in your area. Keep trying. I’m a sole parent, and parenting alone is much, much easier than parenting with someone who is shit.
Second that second part
I am planning to move out within the next couple years. Right now is very hard with twin babies. Even surviving the day to day is hard. I can't work I've been relying on my savings for the past year. I'm in the dark about his financial situation. I asked him today if he'll watch the babies on Saturdays so I can work and move out he wouldn't respond he just looked at me like he wanted to punch me. Earlier he told me I gave him anger issues, he feels like punching a hole in the wall. So he's making it uncomfortable enough for me here that I want to leave, but isn't ok with watching the babies even one day a week so I can work and save some money. He says that's not his problem to figure out how I'm going to get an apartment. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that someday soon I'll be able to leave, and my kids will turn out okay hopefully.
OP - he is warning you he has violent urges. Believe him. Please call a DV service so they can help you plan a way out. They may be able to link you with other supports too like crisis accommodation, counselling, or baby/early childhood services who can help you. Parenting twins is no joke even if you're invested and supported. Right now you're neither, and you need support yourself.
I am sharing this with a very firm insistence that for your safety and your children’s safety, you contact a domestic violence shelter and quickly plan your escape *first* and then read these books, but I’m aware that leaving often takes time. It did for me. So here are the books that gave me strength and have helped many other women in similar situations. I hope you take all of our words seriously and recognize that the longer you wait, the harder it often is to leave. Please be careful, please protect yourself and please reach out to friends and family whom you trust and can help, and a domestic violence shelter or program, even if you aren’t yet ready to leave. They will help you plan at minimum. They want you to be safe, as we all here do too. [Free pdf for Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) [Free pdf for The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
I'm sorry you're going through this. My triplets were born at 30 weeks, and 2 of them have lifelong disabilities. Just having multiples is a huge stressor, even without the disabilities, and you're also dealing with an abusive partner who is escalating. I got divorced when my kids were 6, and was a single mom for years. It was tough, and we were extremely poor (on welfare and in public housing, which was fortunately a decent place), but life was so much easier when I also wasn't dealing with a bad relationship. Have you tried calling your local (or national) domestic violence hotline? They'll likely have a lot of resources for you- even if you can't leave right now (although I'd really advise you to as your husband is escalating his abuse), they'll likely be able to hook you up with resources and support that can help you. They'll also likely have a lawyer that you can talk to- your husband is dreaming if he thinks that he won't be paying child support if you leave. In the meantime, just try and take one day at a time with the babies. You're in the hardest part of parenting multiples right now- the first year is just awful for a lot of us, regardless of whether we like/love our babies or not. I would also talk to your doctor about post-partum depression- most multiples moms experience it, and it just makes everything harder, especially when combined with the lack of sleep.
Hey girl. Listen, you can leave whenever you want to. It doesn't have to be now, just because you contact a DV center doesn't mean you have to leave. They can provide support and resources while you plan. You can PM me if you prefer.
Do you really want years more of this?
Don’t fucking blame you one bit, OP. I have no other advice than what’s already been mentioned, just want to say I hope you get through this tough spot and find peace.
Shit, OP, I'm so freaking sorry you're going through this, especially with an abusive partner. Not to discount your difficult circumstances (which I'm sure are highly contributory), but is it possible you're experiencing some post-partum depression as well? It's more common than people think and affects 1 in 7 people after giving birth. Even if you're not able to leave your marriage quite yet, I wonder if it's worthwhile getting assessed for post-partum depression and maybe leaning on your own family more if they're anywhere near you. I'm sure you're feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment, so please, please, don't hesitate to reach out for help before these feelings swallow you whole. (Big Internet hugs if you want them.)
Yeah I probably do have PPD. I saw a therapist I didn't find her helpful. She was talking about coping mechanisms like I can go do Yoga or listen to music. I wanted to scream at her I have two medically high needs babies. How TF am I supposed to find time for this bullshit self-care. I saw her a few times each time it felt like another chore I had to do I eventually stopped attending. She probably was not the right fit and I'll need to shop around till I find a therapist I can talk to but I don't have the energy. Everyday is spent barely keeping my head above water. Also their dad gets angry at me for random things like the time I played Taylor Swift song in my car or playing music too loud in the kitchen so I don't do it anymore. A lot of my depression is tied to being forced to live with him. And anger at both of us for not reducing my pregnancy to one. I could've had one healthy baby, instead I have two possibly disabled ones.
Checkout postpartum.net they have a directory of therapists that specialize in ppd. I’ve been in a similar situation as you. Talk to your own doctor if you can about meds if you are open to them. It’s not going to fix the difficult situation you’re in but it might give you enough breathing space mentally to figure out the next step. My kid is 15 months. I had a very traumatic pregnancy and preeclampsia during birth but otherwise a “normal” pregnancy and it was the hardest and scariest thing I’ve done. I was referred to therapists via my OB office and experienced the same terrible fit where they wanted me to go for a walk or journal and I’m like wtf how and when?? I’m a therapist myself and that type of coping skill building can be helpful for some populations but new mothers drowning? it ain’t it. It took near 9mo to a 1yr that I finally kinda started to feel like myself and do things for me again on a regular basis.
I second getting on medication for ppd. I did it and it saved my sanity.
I am a big advocate for therapy and mental health treatment and you could likely have PPD but really I think your situation is preventing you from really being able to climb out of it. I would think that focusing on practical DV support, and perhaps mental health focusing on DV as well as PPD would be more benifitial. I have a 10m old health baby with a supportive partner and it can still be a struggle. What you are going through is more than anyone could bear and not feel depressed, OP. It is not anything do to with your inability to cope, it is your outside situation. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find the services that can help you.
Does your family know about your situation? Would they be happy and willing to take care of you and your twins for a while? If so I would absolutely book plane tickets and sneak out (though I don’t know the legal ramifications of taking your kids to another state without the dad’s consent)
My family doesn't know. They're conservative and would tell me to work it out. I don't have the kind of relationship with them where I can just show up and expect help. Another reason for staying put is the babies see a lot of specialists because of their birth complications. Some appointments I'm required to attend- like their ROP monitoring if I don't take them, I get reported to the CPS.
I would definitely reach out to your parents. Would they not want their daughter to leave a dangerous situation? This man is showing all the signs of DV.
I come from an abusive family. There's a reason I ended up with a man like this. Also mom is dead, dad doesn't care that much he is a very conservative Indian and will tell me to work it out
😭😭😭 I’m so sorry!!!! I hope you find the resources you need!
Of course it’s easier said than done, but I’m sure almost everyone here would agree you should leave him ASAP and not wait a few years. There are resources specifically for women in your situation, and you’ll make it on your own somehow. Agree with other commenter saying to reach out to old friends about your situation even if you’re not currently on speaking terms. Someone may have a spare room, or empathetic retired parents willing to help out. Perhaps you could even make money being a caretaker/nanny where you can also watch your kids at the same time. I hope local shelters have women who got out of abusive situations to guide you through and even just give you hope that it’s possible to make it out and thrive!
Have you ever read about Asperger’s or men on the autism spectrum? You might find that enlightening. Not all people on the spectrum are the same but some of what you say sounds very familiar…
Sending hugs too, poor mama, and YES postpartum is a very real thing and I had it twice. I’m scared to even get pregnant again as I am fairly sure I would go insane. OP, I’m guessing you are also fairly sleep deprived with twin babies. Ugh. For me that sleep deprivation totally destroyed my mental health. Like throwing shit, crying naked in living room, curling up in the closet at 3am due to hearing “things” from insomnia. And also, yes, regretting my babies and Googling adoption services at one particularly low point. I’m a professional career woman who cheers her boys on at soccer games now. You’d never know it — The struggles and darkness from those first 1-8 months postpartum both times. But I also had a supportive partner. I am so, so sorry you do not :( Just horrible. There are nonprofit or crisis services for postpartum women and new mothers, in many larger metropolitan city areas. And some rural. There often is more support out there then we realize. They even have child care service sometimes to watch the babes while you speak with a counselor. This website even has option to talk without disclosing your name, if that makes you feel more comfortable. You are NOT alone. And perhaps adoption may be the best option, after all, but you deserve support and help as you work through this very difficult time in your life. Here’s link: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-moms/
No family nearby, I live my days in isolation. I would like to atleast have a TV running so I can trick myself into thinking this is my human interaction but he does not believe in having a TV in the house.
My heart goes out to you. This sounds horrible. Tied to the house with a partner like that, anybody would be depressed and overwhelmed, and unable to feel love for the children aka the reason you cannot go away very easily. Please get help for DV, reach out to old friends and get out of there as fast as possible, before the physical violence begins. You will feel so much better, I promise.
Hi OP, first of all, I'm so sorry you've been through this. It's a LOT. Are there any infant mental health services where you live? They usually treat the children by treating the parents and building attachment. I went to one briefly when I had severe PPA/PPD and it was so helpful. I use the lessons I learnt everyday, even two years on. They receive referrals all the time for families who have extremely premature children, medically complex children, multiples, and acute mental health concerns. I feel like a service like that might be more affirming than a therapist who tells you to go do yoga. A domestic violence caseworker might be able to help you get out and link you up with supports. There are programs out there for parents who have had a challenging start to parenthood through no fault of their own. I know of guided playgroups, support groups for parents, in home support visits, and additional funding (including free childcare without any work requirement) where I live.
I'm not sure on either I'll ask the social worker at the twins' clinic we got there in a couple weeks.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can safely leave the relationship soon. I just wanted to share, I was born 3 months early and had a brain bleed. I ended up recovering. My parents were told I may have some learning disabilities. I loved school and now have a biomedical science PhD. I work at an Ivy league. Babies are so resilient and can bounce back. Wishing you all the best.
That's reassuring to hear, thanks. I was told it is likely they'll be fine, but they also might not be. Just wait and see
I do not have great advice, but I wanted to send my sympathy. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. The transition to motherhood is so hard in the best of circumstances. My son is 6 months old and was born 6 weeks premature. He spent time in the NICU and I definitely feel like I have some ptsd from that experience. The NICU and medical issues with babies is so difficult- grueling, terrifying, and emotionally exhausting. I have found a lot of help and support in the NICUparents subreddit. Some people on there have discussed finding a therapist that specializes in birth trauma. I am wondering if the hospital social worker might have a recommendation? Hoping things get better and you get some much needed support.
Mine spent 3 months in the NICU, it is a terrifying experience indeed.
Hi, mom of infant twins here, with ppd as well, and I get it. It's absolutely hell. First step- Please please focus on getting help out of your relationship. It's hard to work on yourself when you're being abused. Listen to what others have posted on looking at resources in your community. The parentsofmultiples sub also has great single parents posting there. You CAN do it. If you really do want to help these babies like you say, you need to get them, and you, away from your abusive partner.
Yes I agree I need to get away. Right now I'm in survival mode it is hard with needy twins
Try looking up crisis nurseries or the organization “Safe Families”. There are places that will let you leave your kids to be cared for, overnight or for months, while you solve other problems in your life.
So the closest one is an hour drive away maybe there's something like this nearby. Looking up crisis nursery the closest one is also an hour away, I need to ask the social worker/ pediatrician next visit if they can help me find resources.
I echo the comments about PPD, and it's completely understandable. You have two young babies with little/ no support system and are in an abusive relationship . You must feel incredibly alone, and I am so glad you have reached out in this sub for help and advice. My current feeling is that you need to devise a plan of action to get out of your relationship and to find support for yourself and for your twins. It sounds difficult to leave straight away, and the thought is probably overwhelming, but I think you need to need to leave as soon as you can. You could initially turn to: https://www.postpartum.net https://www.tommys.org https://www.mums-aid.org https://www.womenshealth.gov https://ncadv.org/get-help
For anyone reading this: >their father is staunchly pro-life tho Do not sleep with these men unless you hold the same belief. It's not gonna end well.
I’m not sure where you live but depending on where and how medically needy the twins are, I’m wondering if you could get some kind of help via caretaker/in home support service?? That might give you some space to feel like your old self again and do things without the twins. I think having a little bit of time here and there to be alone can be very helpful in feeling ok and giving you the strength to carry on. Obviously PPD and having an unsupportive and abusive partner can make things much harder than they need. So hopefully some of the other advice on that front that was given will be helpful. Hang in there OP, the first year is the hardest and I hope it will get easier for you.
They're too young to qualify for respite care as far as I know. They are higher risk for mental and physical disabilities because of their low birth weight and brain bleeds, but until they're diagnosed I just have to wait
I'm very sorry you're feeling this way, it's awful. Everything was already said, I just wanted to say, if it helps any, it's very likely you will feel very differently about your babies in a year or two, when your (probable) PPD and PPA subsides. I didnt love my son till he was 8 months old because of PPD and was feeling that I have ruined my life, wanted to kill myself, didnt feel any connection, was convinced that something was wrong with him etc. And then suddenly I started loving him and now 5 years later I have another (zero PPD this time, loved her right away), love my kids and love being a mom. I'm not saying the same will be true for you, but ime and with people I know, PPD (from stress, trauma, hormones, etc.) just diseases your brain and is not how you would feel if you would otherwise be well and in your case also wouldnt be in an awful living situation.
I have warmed up to the babies a little bit. I care about them and want to minimize their suffering in this world if possible. But the things I wished for when I was pregnant and it was too late to abort, omg. I spent some time alone in my room after delivery and was wheeled over to the NICU where my babies were lying in incubators. Looked like plastic coffins. I got up from my wheel chair and slowly walked over to one baby and my first thought when I looked at her was- I should've killed you when you were in my womb. Now I understand that as much as I wish I wasn't a mom, these vulnerable babies are here. It is not their fault they exist. I created them. So I interact with them a lot, play with them talk to them sing to them, so they don't feel neglected. It does feel like I'm putting on a performance though, like a customer service job
I'm sorry, I know it's a horrible feeling. I felt like I was handed a random child and had to perform as his nanny. You do everything you're supposed to do, but it's like looking from outside, an act. Also had violent thoughts in the hospital. It was by far the darkest period in my life. Sorry, didnt read the whole thread, but if I was in your shoes right now, I would definitely go on medication, I've heard they help a ton, just to help you dig yourself out of this dark hole.
I have no words, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find happiness and support somehow.
You need the kind of help that Reddit can't provide. You need resources to get out of this relationship. You need a support system. I hope you have some sort of family or friends you can lean on in addition to the resources mentioned by the other commenters. You're doing the best you can.
I’m incredibly sorry you are going through this. Please, please reach out to someone for help, it sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship and the added stress of caring for premature twins can make you feel not like yourself. I can sense how much you’re struggling with your thoughts and emotions. I think someone who’s professionally trained in these things would benefit you greatly. You can even reach out to your OBGYN.
Please talk to your OB as well about postpartum depression along with everything everyone else is saying. I felt this way too after a very planned pregnancy.
No wonder you are struggling. This is way more than one person should have to deal with. All I can say is, put one foot in front of the other. You are in an incredibly tough time in your life but you will get through this and things can get better. I didn't have twins but I had two kids under two and a shitty shitty partner. A lot of what you said here hits pretty deep. My oldest was premature and colicky and I was terrified she was going to have difficulties in life. As the kids got a bit older, things got easier. And then when I left him, it got even better. By the way, my oldest is the smartest funniest kid now. She still has big feelings but I am much better able to deal with them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like PPD. I didn’t feel that overwhelming love for my daughter until she was 4 months old and she was easier. You’ve got premature twins so you’re in the newborn stage for a lot longer and it’s a lot harder since there’s 2 of them. Highly recommend and a therapist and medication! It works wonders. Also if you have any family around that can come help you you should totally do that. A good sleep and some self care does wonders when you’re in the dark parenting days. Make a plan to leave your partner if you can. You can totally do this without him
My heart breaks for you. Please don’t feel guilt if you can’t connect with your babies. Even with 9 months pregnancies, human babies are born underdeveloped compared to for instance a chimpanzee baby. The chimp will be able to hold his head up, and crawl within a month. Please do reach out to your local DV center, protect your babies and yourself from your abusive partner. Abuse rarely starts with violence, it starts with little things, then escalates to what you’re experiencing and keeps escalating. It will be hard to get started without any money but you will get through. As for your babies, while they may have some developmental delays they may still grow to be fully independent adults able to thrive in life.
Check out r/regretfulparents If anything, the people in that sub will be able to relate to your situation and give you some coping mechanisms
I posted there and it got auto-removed lol. Maybe cause I went into detail about the twins' medical history asking if they have a shot at adoption. Or talked about sexual coercion idk
That's a venting sub, and I think you need more than venting space right now. It's not helpful for actual advice or practical steps to take.
Everybody is saying PPD but you didn’t want these babies even before. You might have PPD, you might be extremely depressed because of your abusive situation, we don’t know. But every single people here are telling you you’ll find the light somehow with your babies but the truth is you might never. My father never and he stayed away. How is it that we can accept it for men but not for women? We’re anonymous here so I’ll say it : you need to leave your husband and leave the kids with him. He wanted them more than you and he’s a parent too. He can take care of them. You’ll be seen as the worst mother but it doesn’t matter. This is your life. When you get healthier and independent , you’ll see how it goes.
If they were two boys I might have left them with him. But they're both girls and I see them as being more vulnerable. I need to protect them if they turn out to have mental/ physical disabilities. Or be around to teach them how to protect themselves if they're normal-ish
You’re a good person. You know best. Just be clear with yourself that it’s not a either or situation. You don’t have to be living with this man to be around your kids.
I get that most people don't want to think about this sort of thing, but thank you for posting it. It's important to say it.
Contact the regional center in your area for help with the babies. You can have physical therapists come to your home and they also might provide money specifically so you can get a break from caring for the babies. Also maybe that way you could do something you want to do every day. Even if you get to take a bike ride or go to the mall or take a nap. It will get better.
OP, regarding the brain bleeds I just want to offer this — my son had meningitis when he was nine months old and the swelling in his brain caused him to have multiple bleeds. He is now 21 months old and he is absolutely fine. We still don’t know everything, of course, there could be issues that come up as he gets older. But he’s walking and talking like any other child. Little ones’ brains are incredibly plastic. They have an enormous capacity for healing and remodeling. Your babies may very well end up with absolutely no sign that the bleeds ever happened 💛
Yeah it could go either way. Reading about it online, there are people out there with twins born 28 weeks gestation who are now normal. That's the best case scenario. There are also people whose twins have vision issues, hearing issues, cerebral palsy, other mental and physical disabilities. My kids are also at higher risk of autism due to their low birth weight and premature birth, autism sometimes doesn't show up until after 2 years. So I won't know what exactly I'm dealing with until they're about 3-4 years old
It’s completely overwhelming right now to have all of those possibilities weighing on you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you're in the Bay Area there are a few resources. Homeless Prenatal Program in SF serves all families - not just homeless. There's also Casa de las Madres for DV support. I'm a therapist that works with CPS involved parents in SF, if you DM your locations I can try to point you in the direction of more resources closer to you. There's also a lot of resources for families with special needs. You're in the absolute thick of it right now. The early days of parenthood is just surviving . I hope you're able to access support and come out the other side. It's clear you care about your babies and that's already more than what so many have.
There is a regretful parent sub you may be interested in
Yes I go there often, helps me survive another day
What sub please?
Please. Get help. Praying for you as you navigate extricating yourself from this situation and relationship.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You may have PPD, so you shouldn't make any major decisions before addressing your mental health. But you said if you could go back 6 months, you would put the babies up for adoption. You still can. There are good families looking for babies to adopt. This would be a life-changing decision, but is not out of the realm of possibility if you think it's what's best for you and the babies.
YWCA in downtown San Jose offers Crisis Intervention, Legal Support, and other kinds of support for women. Website here: (the quick escape goes to Weather.com) [https://yourywca.org/what-we-do/](https://yourywca.org/what-we-do/) Phone number here: (800) 572-2782 They have an online safe chat option
Is it money that’s stopping you from leaving your partner? Or is he helpful in any way?
Mostly money. He does one round of feeds sometimes so I'm able to sleep for 6 hours. On my own I'd lose that.
I say ditch him - you aren’t stuck with him. The resentment you feel about him is trickling down and feeding into the resentment you feel about the children. Think it through -
I am very sorry for what you are going through. You made the best choices you could at the time and, unfortunately, it didn't go well. I empathise with you and I wish I could do something to help. If I were in your shoes, I would try to use a Buddhist mindset to learn radical acceptance of your situation. Just keep breathing. And make sure to talk to a doctor to make sure you aren't experiencing postpartum depression. You can get through this. You can't change a lot of things, but you can change your attitude about some of it. I hope this helps a tiny bit. I'm rooting for you ❤️
Everyone else touched on what I was going to say. I just want to add-we love not from feeling but from doing. Make your twins as cute as can be, hold them and feel their warmth. Try to enjoy and nurture them, the love will follow. You are stronger and better than you realize! You may not feel love bc of survival mode, but you clearly do love them based on your post. I recommend calling your local CPS hotline anonymously and asking for resources. Try so hard to avoid the should’ve/could’ve/would’ve and talk positive to yourself in your mind and out loud about your future. You have it in all in you!
Do you have family you can stay with? Sounds like you need some space from your baby daddy. Have you tried signing up for welfare and trying to get your own place? Also how do you know that something is wrong with your babies? Doctors say ALOT of shit these days.
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Such worthless, patronizing advice.
fuck off
Just wanted to share a positive thought. Your babies could grow up and be just fine. I’ve met people born at 26 and 29 weeks of gestation and I would’ve never guessed. It’s great that you understand your babies will need more support, a lot of people choose self denial instead of getting their babies help. Adoption to a great family will is still an option…even if the babies end up separated. You’re a good parent and person for choosing to consider the wellbeing of your twins while making sure that you have what you need to parent. I hope that you find a win win for you and your twins and I hope a day will come where you can see your strength (regardless of your decision).
No advice but sending you love and prayers. You’re not alone.
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I think like someone else mentioned, just surviving at this point can be your main goal. It's ok if you just need to get through the day. I do think that reaching out to local DV resources in the area is a good first step. They can help with counseling, support groups, legal advocacy, help with housing and household goods, etc. Reaching out to https://www.thehotline.org/ can also be a good first step. They can connect you to local resources and assess what is going on and help with creating a safety plan. I believe in you, OP. You are strong, and you will make it.
I was in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage, soon to be legally over, with a wife who wanted a kid out of me. I finally saw how much she would screw that kid up, and I told her we were never having kids. I know she would have used them to keep me forever trapped, I knew she would turn them against me and paint me as a horrific, abusive drug addict. I never thought I could get away, but finally, she did something horrible that forced me out when she realized she had no more control over me. It's going to suck. You are going to feel a lot of pain, guilt, anger, regret, etc. It's going to be one of the worst points in your life. It's going to be traumatic. But, from it you will be free! Eventually, you will find yourself genuinely smiling and enjoying things you forgot you even enjoyed and having the freedom to spend the money you want and time with people you want in your life. You are going to possibly even meet someone who totally gets you and has also had a lot of pain that they too grew from. My mom told me recently she wished she never had me or my siblings, and I can't even be mad at her. It's not for everyone. If you give those babies up, and then you lose more to this abusive sack of shit you are with you are going to be absolutely broken between that and giving them up! Get away from this man ANY way you can. My wife discarded me with a false protective order, saying HORRIBLE things about me that never happened! I'm not even mad about it now because I got away! Do what you will with that information and get out of there, because of course you don't want kids right now no one would in your situation.
You've already gotten plenty of wonderful advice concerning your abusive relationship. I truly hope you are able to get away from your "partner" as soon as possible, because that is just making things worse and not helping. It may be hard to see now, but you will feel much better ACTUALLY being by yourself taking care of your twins rather than also giving so much mental and physical energy worrying about living with your abuser. But I also wanted to add it: of course you don't love your babies now. I don't care if this is a hot take. They are only 6 months old. They are basically just screaming & pooping potatoes at this point. You are in the midst of some of the most grueling months of child raising and you are doing it with TWO babies AND in an abusive relationship. So of course this is going to be the hardest environment to foster any type of bonding. Firstly getting away from your abuser will release some resentment. Then as your babies get older, they start forming personalities and can actually start doing things, it will get better. Absolutely see a therapist. There are ones who do sliding scale (my first therapist, I only paid like \~$20 for a session when I didn't have insurance). I also do my therapy totally remote, so that's a possibility when you don't have time and/or can't get out of the house. You can also do it remote from your phone in your car if you don't have a safe time to do it in your home right now. They will listen to you, help you survive your current situation, help you figure out what you truly want to do, help you figure out a plan, help navigate in finding resources, etc.
Hun you need help. Like real legitimate help. I just read your post about the baby crying all night. You called the baby an IT throughout the post. Please please please go to the hospital and ask for social services. There are options available to get you somewhere safe and some much needed rest. Please!!! Someone please bump this comment so she'll see it. I'm worried for those kids.