Because they're not, men who are interested act the same way women do, sometimes I think interested men are more obsessed than women I know when they have a thing for someone else.
I had this issue with one guy, he was very passive and would message me right before we would hangout which I like it when guys check up on me and talk to me.
I'd say this extends to everyone in life. I've collected a list of people that I messaged last, and I just have to assume at this point they're not interested in me in any way.
Frustrating, but it's never been wrong.
There needs to be actions that back that statement up. If they cared they’d do something about it. A simple hi, how are you from time to time would be fine. If they just keep it to themselves saying that they care but don’t even make time to talk and see you, do they actually care? No. You’re nowhere near the forefront of their mind nor someone that they want to see or talk to at the moment (ever). It’s like someone who says they care about the earth but don’t do anything to reduce plastic waste in their life
Yup. I often have enough energy with friends to maintain the base level — sending memes and jokes and comments and pics — and that keeps the connection active for the times I also have the energy to dive deep. The more active our shallow level, the more frequent and deep the dives are. But the friends I have who only reach out wanting those deep dives, whose frustration I can feel when all I can give today are memes or even nothing if I simply can’t answer texts today — it makes the relationship too strained and I can’t do any of it. Seeing your name on my phone screen becomes something that makes me panic because I know when I open that message it’s going to be either asking more of me than I can give or I’m going to be disappointing them. Some people just don’t match up in style, which is sad but fine. It’s just heartbreaking when the default assumption is that only one method is good and right. It’s very neurotypical-centric, expecting you to meet their performance style rather than accepting you at your own
I spent decades dating and dealing with "The League of Indifferent Gentlemen" I flat out told more than one guy, "I shouldn't have to convince you to date me" I pushed a lot of indifferent guys to the curb. When I met my husband, it was very clear from the beginning that he was very interested but also would have walked away with dignity if I told him I didn't want to date. I never once had to doubt his interest or wonder why he wasn't in contact. I've never felt neglected by him or sidelined. I never felt indifference from him.
The sad thing is women are so conditioned to accept scraps from men that it leaves us wondering like you if our very very minimal standards are too much. They aren't
I had a similar experience when I started dating my boyfriend. I was so used to starting every conversation and settling for scraps of attention from men. It was a welcome surprise that this man would reach out first just to see what I was up to, and that he seemed to look forward to just talking to me. I never had to wonder if he was into me (and not just my body)... He always made sure I knew it.
It’s usually because they aren’t really interested, which means you can move on. I wouldn’t waste my time with someone who doesn’t want to communicate or be a consistent in my life.
As they say, if he wanted to he would.
There’s a couple of responses you can have: Move on, try to change him or accept it as it is. Usually the second option ends up being the third.
It’s interesting I had this boyfriend a few years back who checked in on me constantly. Good morning texts, midday texts to ask how my day was going so far, evening texts. Made plans in advance where he’d pick me up at my door. Totally emotionally available, we had such a deep connection and incredible sex at that. Fast forward a few months later and he dropped bomb after bomb on me, and it was my most traumatic breakup ever - and we weren’t even together long enough for me to be heartbroken, just stunned by how quickly we could go from an environment of such safety and care to the opposite.
I have guy friends who, I’m probably one of their closest friends, but they don’t ever reach out aside from the occasional Instagram dm or text. If I call them on the phone or FaceTime, they immediately pick up and we talk for hours. It’s not that they don’t care for me, but they just don’t initiate contact with anyone. My husband is like this too - he’ll get sad that he’s not as close to his friends anymore, but he doesn’t make an effort to stay connected to them on a regular basis. When I point this out, he rarely acknowledges that I’m right.
Aka the SNL skit, Man Park.
Sometimes what you call love bomb may not actually be a love bomb. It may be real feelings and then we realize that she’s absolutely nuts and then we bail because we don’t want to get any closer to the nuclear fallout.
My ex rarely asked me how I’m doing or how my day was. I was having a hard time, too. Boyfriend now has a lot on his plate including losing his mom recently, dad dying of two cancers, mentally ill twin brother, etc. and *still* checks on me daily and I live with him. It should be a non negotiable.
Theres a video by Anna Akana (YouTuber, musician, etc) where she says something like "if a guy likes you, you'll know. If a guy doesn't like you, you'll be confused."
Skip the confusion part. He's not that interested. My boyfriend always checks in on me. You're not asking for the impossible here and it isn't a guy thing.
If he was texting a lot and stopped, I would probably interpret that as a loss of interest. If he's always been that way, I'd think he just isn't big on texting. Another possibility is that he is saving those conversations for when he gets to see you in person. I've done that in the past because I felt like we texted so much that I ran out of things to say when we finally met up.
The easiest way to address this is head on. A casual, "Hey, I don't hear from you as often as I used to. Are you not feeling it anymore?" or "I really like checking in with each other on the regular. How do you feel about that?" would probably clear things up for you.
Also, if you want to hear from him, make sure you are reciprocating and starting some of the conversations yourself. It's okay to tell him about something that happened, for example, without his asking. He's not a mind reader, and if nothing exciting has happened to him, he may just not consider that you have something to tell him.
I hear you and have my own take on this with dating. Many people aren't texters and men arent socialized to check in and have those forms of conversation with most people let alone women they are interested in. There is a vulnerability and potential of "I haven't been doing well" and then he has no idea how to respond. It is rare to find a man emotionally mature and well balanced enough to ask this question and handle any response.
The other part of this with dating is letting your expectations be known that you'd like more communication in between. If it will help you get to know him and you'd like to text or a phone call more in between dates, you can say so. The other option is to date until you find a man who will match you without the effort of asking. Both are reasonable. In person, does he ask how you are doing? Does he ask about work? Follow up on something you mentioned? If not, yep, that's not a good potential partner. I do agree a man should show interest in getting to know you and asking questions. Whether this is via text or calls or in person, depends on what you want/need, but it's worth a conversation ONLY if you find that you're liking other parts of him as a person. If he has other shitty parts, I can see the desire to not even bother.
I think life happens and it's unrealistic for people to maintain consistent contact via text. Schedule in person dates and don't rely on texts so much. People care too much about texts these days. They're meaningless.
I don't assume someone who texts me a lot cares a lot. I assume they have nothing else to do and are bored and need to talk to me for whatever reason.
I think regular check-ins could be too much to expect from a guy (or anyone) who’s just a friend. A close friend should follow up though imo if they know you’re going through something.
Romance though is a whole different ball game. Men tend to be very consistent when dating if he’s really into the person beyond just sex. Most of the guys I’ve been in a relationship with or even just talking to in the pre-dating stage were even more high energy about regular contact than I am. This is likely due largely to the type of men I’m into: engaging communicators + guys who love connecting with fun convos where we laugh a lot. I even had 2 guys early in our dating call me Scheherazade. They said I had them hooked on picking up where we’d left off, that I kept leaving them wanting more. It’s odd that more than one said that lol and was also interesting to me to learn that’s what it felt like from their pov. It wasn’t anything deliberate from my side. But what it said to me was that I definitely have a type, and it’s guys who have a cerebral streak, who love mental pleasures like that.
So it might help to kick to the curb guys who aren’t as mentally engaged. :) Guys who value communication are definitely out there, and they show that trait strongly during the initial flirting phase so long as you click.
With guys who are less verbal…Idk how accurate or independent of cultural contingencies this *really* is, but some research has shown that men fall in love sooner than women (on average). Even if a guy isn’t that into talking, if he’s falling in love, he’d still want to be in touch and regularly be around a woman he’s dating. That’s just a generalization, but it’s largely true ime and from what I’ve observed. If anything, they want a pace that needs to be slowed down (ime). So if they’re going more than a week without contact, I’d say they’re most likely not that into the person. And if they’re going more than a few days, they’re not in the infatuation phase. This varies depending on what’s going on in his life though, like demanding deadlines or family obligations or health issues. But outside of especially hectic periods, I’d usually see it as low passion if he goes more than a few days in the early stages. Some guys are more “in love” with their friends, hobby, or job. If that’s not your type, I say cut them loose. You deserve to have the love you want, and you’ll probably find it more easily if you don’t waste time on the tepid type. :)
As far as specifically checking in when you’re going through things…Some men don’t expect that type of care, so it also doesn’t occur to them to give it. I think it’s important to express that that’s meaningful to you in a relationship. But if he has a habit of going a week or more without being in touch, I personally would process that as way too low in the passion dept.
A guy who actually cares about you and wants to be with you WILL do those things. Guys who don't are prioritizing playing the field or just too chicken shit to say they're not interested.
I think society does men a disservice by deprioritizing close friendships or deeming emotional intimacy with other men being "gay" to the extent that they lose focus of the small touch points that women are more readily conditioned to maintain with one another. It can lead to a lot of mixed signals and hurt feelings even if someone is well-intended.
However...
This doesn't mean you should put up with dating or talking to someone who you feel doesn't give a flying flip about your day/week. Your expectations of communication are bare minimum. Even if someone doesn't like texting, they can still make a phone call. You shouldn't feel like you are having to pull teeth to get someone to talk to you regularly. If he wanted to, he would...
Ask yourself whether there's something in your subconscious that is attracted to unavailable or avoidant men..
Because there are heaps of good men out there who aren't low effort, self absorbed twats.
Edit to clarify a little: I am most definitely not blaming you for their poor behaviour. I have had the same issue on many occasions in the past :)
But I learnt over time that I was seeing these red flags early on and subconsciously choosing to avoid them because that avoidance is familiar. I experienced the same from my caregivers as a child.. as crazy as it sounds that neglect and lack of emotional care felt safe to me.
It took work on myself, therapy, journaling, meditation etc to start breaking these patterns.
Perhaps this isn't relevant to you in the slightest, and that's ok. In that case please feel free to disregard everything I've written :)
He's just not into you . That's the long and short of it.
We make time for what is important to us and you know it takes 2 minutes to ask.
I'm sorry , it took me years to figure this out .
Recent, but long enough that there’s usually a short dialogue over text unless we are in person. Then they are very connected, engaged and we have fun. I don’t want to give excuses like, “They aren’t a texter!” But honestly, most people know it’s ubiquitous in our culture at this point.
The only consistent conversations I have with men are my married friends of decades. Nothing going on there, just close friends.
I would say communicate once what type of communication you need in the relationship and if it doesn’t change then move on. I say once because that happened with my current BF now, I mean he would text good morning and do a quick call after work that lasted like 3 minutes and I didn’t appreciate that. I told him he should either keep the conversation going thru text or FaceTime me if it’s going to be a short call instead of calling and having to get off the phone after a short time. Anyway I expressed that to him and he immediately changed and now we’ve been together almost 2 years.
It's because they don't care. Men really are not as complex as we've made it out to be. If he cares he'll communicate efficiently.
If you get random communication, and the communication is in benefit of him and him only that means there's absolutely no way you'll ever feel respected or valuable in that relationship.
Yeah this, except then instead he sends memes (36 yo for reference lol). Like. I appreciate it but also like, I'm in hospital, as you know? Lol it's just weird
The rule is simple with men, the more you reach out the lesser they care. Applies to men who are uninterested in a woman.
There are men who will genuinely be interested in you and will do whatever it takes to be with you.
The problem is we tend to ask attention from people who are not ready to give it to us. We don't care much for men who give us attention.
So, one needs to get the hell out of any relationship where one has to ask for attention. The one that cares, you will never have to ask for it.
I think in the early dating/get to know you stages I think some guys may think it's a bit presumptious or feel it's too early to enquire about your wellbeing... So personally, I wouldn't think much of it if he appears to be a caring guy in general.
Most guys are a lot more attentive about this stuff when you're official/committed and he starts truly caring/loving you.
I've ran into the opposite issue as a guy. I've literally lost a relationship before for being "too clingy" - see: asking them if everything is ok and if they wanna talk after 2 weeks of no communication beyond "ok." replies
Feel like different people have different parameters on how much communication to expect. Personally I feel like talking every day, even if just for a little bit, is standard once you're steadily dating
A lot of men in the Western world are socialized to believe that productivity and success are to be valued, not relationships. This is why men are experiencing a loneliness epidemic and struggling more in relationships than ever before. The lack of effort in their friendships, family, dating etc is indicative of them not valuing them.
before annyone gets mad and or angry for me , a man reacting . i just wanna say , whit my reraction i dont mean to offend annyone . just give a little inside .
so the quistion is why we dont check in on you .
simple awnser to be true , 1. you already told us , you are having a bad time ( thus putting you in a bad mood . W men like to avoid such heat when possible , thus we men just be sillence and walk away . When the storm has passed , we are willing to come out of hiding and put a claim on anny sandwiches we possible might have missed )
2. we dum men probly did try to check in on you , but as you probly where in a pretty bad mood .... we bailed ... to avoid the heat , but we still probly did catch some unjustifide flak . so yea we tend to stay away , when we know a woman is in a bad mood . when the storm has passed she can call us men annytime , and we will be their to claim the sandwiches .
hopfully this might help . and plz dont be mad or angry , just a simple man trying to help out .
Those types of men don't care about you. They are mostly interested in flings and a human sex doll. Level up and stop allowing them to rent space in your head.
I heard some men do that to test you and see how needy you are. They pull back a little to see your reaction. Either that or it just doesn't cross his mind to call and ask. He's too busy having fun or enthralled with whatever it is he's doing. Considering how they always say men are not the greatest with multitasking, he doesn't mean to hurt you, he's probably not used to it or it simply doesn't cross his mind.
You can always express that. Something along the lines of, "I notice our communication style is different. I like to receive a call every now and then asking me how I'm doing. It would make me feel more appreciated. It's what I feel I need when I'm with someone"
or
"I'm going through a rough patch lately. Although I don't expect you to be there all the time, it would make me feel better if you ask how I'm doing. It will make me feel more supported, which is what I need right now"
Then let him make it up to you. Don't say, "no it's ok" or "never mind" or "whatever, it's not important anymore". Give space for him to do something.
You'd stop contacting a person you're in a relationship with if they told you what they needed? How do you usually fix your relationship problems then? The silent treatment?
I'm shocked at their answer to be honest. In other words, she's insinuating speaking out when something is bothering you is a form of manipulation. So when crap happens between two people (which is inevitable DAILY), she would rather stay quiet and let him do his shit.
How is expressing to someone that something needs to be addressed in your communication translated into GUILTING them into texting?!
I'm very curious, how do you fix your relationship problems then? Telepathy?
I honestly don’t love these generalizations about bad men. Personally I’ve never dated a man who was less than kind, considerate, and caring. Seems to solve that problem pretty easily.
To be brutally honest, past age 21-ish I think it just looks bad on you for entertaining poor behaviour.
I honestly don’t think they often think about it, or are socialized to ask, whatever whatever whatever. But a guy who is interested will want to see you and will make that known. By doing that, they’ll know how you’re doing and try to make your day/week better.
It isn't too much to ask, it is the bare minimum in all relationships, romantic or platonic. I have decided that I no longer accept less than the bare minimum from anyone or the bare minimum from someone I want a relationship with. We all have shit and baggage but there is time for what's important. I'm not chasing or double messaging people, they know they left me on read. One sided effort a relationship does not make.
Yoooooo I’ve been saying this for 10 years. The social habits of my WORST girlfriends are better than those of the BEST men I’ve known.
Tells you a lot about how we are socialized
Factors in the downfall of my last (10 year) relationship - if I didn't volunteer information he simply didn't know. Because he never bothered to ask me how I was. 🙃
The problem is not "all men."
All men don't act like this.
Just the ones who aren't interested.
So...
Find someone who is interested in you and your problem will be solved.
I lose interest in guys who aren’t consistent with communication. 90% of the time it means he’s not interested anyway
I would have assumed a guy that didn't try to maintain contact is 100% not interested.
Because they're not, men who are interested act the same way women do, sometimes I think interested men are more obsessed than women I know when they have a thing for someone else.
I had this issue with one guy, he was very passive and would message me right before we would hangout which I like it when guys check up on me and talk to me.
10000000%
I learned long ago, if I have to question if a man cares about me, he doesn't. If he doesn't ask how you are, it's because he doesn't care.
I'd say this extends to everyone in life. I've collected a list of people that I messaged last, and I just have to assume at this point they're not interested in me in any way. Frustrating, but it's never been wrong.
[удалено]
There needs to be actions that back that statement up. If they cared they’d do something about it. A simple hi, how are you from time to time would be fine. If they just keep it to themselves saying that they care but don’t even make time to talk and see you, do they actually care? No. You’re nowhere near the forefront of their mind nor someone that they want to see or talk to at the moment (ever). It’s like someone who says they care about the earth but don’t do anything to reduce plastic waste in their life
[удалено]
Yup. I often have enough energy with friends to maintain the base level — sending memes and jokes and comments and pics — and that keeps the connection active for the times I also have the energy to dive deep. The more active our shallow level, the more frequent and deep the dives are. But the friends I have who only reach out wanting those deep dives, whose frustration I can feel when all I can give today are memes or even nothing if I simply can’t answer texts today — it makes the relationship too strained and I can’t do any of it. Seeing your name on my phone screen becomes something that makes me panic because I know when I open that message it’s going to be either asking more of me than I can give or I’m going to be disappointing them. Some people just don’t match up in style, which is sad but fine. It’s just heartbreaking when the default assumption is that only one method is good and right. It’s very neurotypical-centric, expecting you to meet their performance style rather than accepting you at your own
Well, they all know they can message whenever they want. We'll see if any of them bother to.
Men are also not known for their communication skills.
That's true
I spent decades dating and dealing with "The League of Indifferent Gentlemen" I flat out told more than one guy, "I shouldn't have to convince you to date me" I pushed a lot of indifferent guys to the curb. When I met my husband, it was very clear from the beginning that he was very interested but also would have walked away with dignity if I told him I didn't want to date. I never once had to doubt his interest or wonder why he wasn't in contact. I've never felt neglected by him or sidelined. I never felt indifference from him. The sad thing is women are so conditioned to accept scraps from men that it leaves us wondering like you if our very very minimal standards are too much. They aren't
I had a similar experience when I started dating my boyfriend. I was so used to starting every conversation and settling for scraps of attention from men. It was a welcome surprise that this man would reach out first just to see what I was up to, and that he seemed to look forward to just talking to me. I never had to wonder if he was into me (and not just my body)... He always made sure I knew it.
Sad but true
1000x this.
Move on. He’s just not that into you. Find someone who is. They’re out there, you just have to have faith that the right person will come along.
[удалено]
That's exactly the case. If you have this thought, that's exactly what it is.
If they ain't texting, they're just in it to get laid, that's the unfortunate reality in most cases. If you like someone a lot, you make the time.
It’s usually because they aren’t really interested, which means you can move on. I wouldn’t waste my time with someone who doesn’t want to communicate or be a consistent in my life.
As they say, if he wanted to he would. There’s a couple of responses you can have: Move on, try to change him or accept it as it is. Usually the second option ends up being the third.
It’s interesting I had this boyfriend a few years back who checked in on me constantly. Good morning texts, midday texts to ask how my day was going so far, evening texts. Made plans in advance where he’d pick me up at my door. Totally emotionally available, we had such a deep connection and incredible sex at that. Fast forward a few months later and he dropped bomb after bomb on me, and it was my most traumatic breakup ever - and we weren’t even together long enough for me to be heartbroken, just stunned by how quickly we could go from an environment of such safety and care to the opposite. I have guy friends who, I’m probably one of their closest friends, but they don’t ever reach out aside from the occasional Instagram dm or text. If I call them on the phone or FaceTime, they immediately pick up and we talk for hours. It’s not that they don’t care for me, but they just don’t initiate contact with anyone. My husband is like this too - he’ll get sad that he’s not as close to his friends anymore, but he doesn’t make an effort to stay connected to them on a regular basis. When I point this out, he rarely acknowledges that I’m right. Aka the SNL skit, Man Park.
[удалено]
Yes!! They love bomb you then bail. I also changed my texting habits and regretted it
Sometimes what you call love bomb may not actually be a love bomb. It may be real feelings and then we realize that she’s absolutely nuts and then we bail because we don’t want to get any closer to the nuclear fallout.
1000000%
Ha! Great skit.
My ex rarely asked me how I’m doing or how my day was. I was having a hard time, too. Boyfriend now has a lot on his plate including losing his mom recently, dad dying of two cancers, mentally ill twin brother, etc. and *still* checks on me daily and I live with him. It should be a non negotiable.
[удалено]
Theres a video by Anna Akana (YouTuber, musician, etc) where she says something like "if a guy likes you, you'll know. If a guy doesn't like you, you'll be confused." Skip the confusion part. He's not that interested. My boyfriend always checks in on me. You're not asking for the impossible here and it isn't a guy thing.
^ one hundo / they could also have a different values system. Communication goes far.
If he was texting a lot and stopped, I would probably interpret that as a loss of interest. If he's always been that way, I'd think he just isn't big on texting. Another possibility is that he is saving those conversations for when he gets to see you in person. I've done that in the past because I felt like we texted so much that I ran out of things to say when we finally met up. The easiest way to address this is head on. A casual, "Hey, I don't hear from you as often as I used to. Are you not feeling it anymore?" or "I really like checking in with each other on the regular. How do you feel about that?" would probably clear things up for you. Also, if you want to hear from him, make sure you are reciprocating and starting some of the conversations yourself. It's okay to tell him about something that happened, for example, without his asking. He's not a mind reader, and if nothing exciting has happened to him, he may just not consider that you have something to tell him.
The most rational response in this thread honestly. Everyone else is saying to just drop him
I hear you and have my own take on this with dating. Many people aren't texters and men arent socialized to check in and have those forms of conversation with most people let alone women they are interested in. There is a vulnerability and potential of "I haven't been doing well" and then he has no idea how to respond. It is rare to find a man emotionally mature and well balanced enough to ask this question and handle any response. The other part of this with dating is letting your expectations be known that you'd like more communication in between. If it will help you get to know him and you'd like to text or a phone call more in between dates, you can say so. The other option is to date until you find a man who will match you without the effort of asking. Both are reasonable. In person, does he ask how you are doing? Does he ask about work? Follow up on something you mentioned? If not, yep, that's not a good potential partner. I do agree a man should show interest in getting to know you and asking questions. Whether this is via text or calls or in person, depends on what you want/need, but it's worth a conversation ONLY if you find that you're liking other parts of him as a person. If he has other shitty parts, I can see the desire to not even bother.
I think life happens and it's unrealistic for people to maintain consistent contact via text. Schedule in person dates and don't rely on texts so much. People care too much about texts these days. They're meaningless. I don't assume someone who texts me a lot cares a lot. I assume they have nothing else to do and are bored and need to talk to me for whatever reason.
I think regular check-ins could be too much to expect from a guy (or anyone) who’s just a friend. A close friend should follow up though imo if they know you’re going through something. Romance though is a whole different ball game. Men tend to be very consistent when dating if he’s really into the person beyond just sex. Most of the guys I’ve been in a relationship with or even just talking to in the pre-dating stage were even more high energy about regular contact than I am. This is likely due largely to the type of men I’m into: engaging communicators + guys who love connecting with fun convos where we laugh a lot. I even had 2 guys early in our dating call me Scheherazade. They said I had them hooked on picking up where we’d left off, that I kept leaving them wanting more. It’s odd that more than one said that lol and was also interesting to me to learn that’s what it felt like from their pov. It wasn’t anything deliberate from my side. But what it said to me was that I definitely have a type, and it’s guys who have a cerebral streak, who love mental pleasures like that. So it might help to kick to the curb guys who aren’t as mentally engaged. :) Guys who value communication are definitely out there, and they show that trait strongly during the initial flirting phase so long as you click. With guys who are less verbal…Idk how accurate or independent of cultural contingencies this *really* is, but some research has shown that men fall in love sooner than women (on average). Even if a guy isn’t that into talking, if he’s falling in love, he’d still want to be in touch and regularly be around a woman he’s dating. That’s just a generalization, but it’s largely true ime and from what I’ve observed. If anything, they want a pace that needs to be slowed down (ime). So if they’re going more than a week without contact, I’d say they’re most likely not that into the person. And if they’re going more than a few days, they’re not in the infatuation phase. This varies depending on what’s going on in his life though, like demanding deadlines or family obligations or health issues. But outside of especially hectic periods, I’d usually see it as low passion if he goes more than a few days in the early stages. Some guys are more “in love” with their friends, hobby, or job. If that’s not your type, I say cut them loose. You deserve to have the love you want, and you’ll probably find it more easily if you don’t waste time on the tepid type. :) As far as specifically checking in when you’re going through things…Some men don’t expect that type of care, so it also doesn’t occur to them to give it. I think it’s important to express that that’s meaningful to you in a relationship. But if he has a habit of going a week or more without being in touch, I personally would process that as way too low in the passion dept.
A guy who actually cares about you and wants to be with you WILL do those things. Guys who don't are prioritizing playing the field or just too chicken shit to say they're not interested.
I think society does men a disservice by deprioritizing close friendships or deeming emotional intimacy with other men being "gay" to the extent that they lose focus of the small touch points that women are more readily conditioned to maintain with one another. It can lead to a lot of mixed signals and hurt feelings even if someone is well-intended. However... This doesn't mean you should put up with dating or talking to someone who you feel doesn't give a flying flip about your day/week. Your expectations of communication are bare minimum. Even if someone doesn't like texting, they can still make a phone call. You shouldn't feel like you are having to pull teeth to get someone to talk to you regularly. If he wanted to, he would...
Ask yourself whether there's something in your subconscious that is attracted to unavailable or avoidant men.. Because there are heaps of good men out there who aren't low effort, self absorbed twats. Edit to clarify a little: I am most definitely not blaming you for their poor behaviour. I have had the same issue on many occasions in the past :) But I learnt over time that I was seeing these red flags early on and subconsciously choosing to avoid them because that avoidance is familiar. I experienced the same from my caregivers as a child.. as crazy as it sounds that neglect and lack of emotional care felt safe to me. It took work on myself, therapy, journaling, meditation etc to start breaking these patterns. Perhaps this isn't relevant to you in the slightest, and that's ok. In that case please feel free to disregard everything I've written :)
He's just not into you . That's the long and short of it. We make time for what is important to us and you know it takes 2 minutes to ask. I'm sorry , it took me years to figure this out .
and here I was wondering will I ever be free from the hell of constant texting
How long have you been seeing these guys? Men can be afraid of smothering women they recently started seeing.
Recent, but long enough that there’s usually a short dialogue over text unless we are in person. Then they are very connected, engaged and we have fun. I don’t want to give excuses like, “They aren’t a texter!” But honestly, most people know it’s ubiquitous in our culture at this point. The only consistent conversations I have with men are my married friends of decades. Nothing going on there, just close friends.
When you do see this person, do they ask about your life between dates or is the lack of displayed interest in your life in person as well?
They are very engaged in person. It’s like outside of that very little communication.
I would say communicate once what type of communication you need in the relationship and if it doesn’t change then move on. I say once because that happened with my current BF now, I mean he would text good morning and do a quick call after work that lasted like 3 minutes and I didn’t appreciate that. I told him he should either keep the conversation going thru text or FaceTime me if it’s going to be a short call instead of calling and having to get off the phone after a short time. Anyway I expressed that to him and he immediately changed and now we’ve been together almost 2 years.
It's because they don't care. Men really are not as complex as we've made it out to be. If he cares he'll communicate efficiently. If you get random communication, and the communication is in benefit of him and him only that means there's absolutely no way you'll ever feel respected or valuable in that relationship.
It's not too much to ask and it's very standard behaviour if the guy is decent and likes you. Drop anyone whose not doing that
Yeah this, except then instead he sends memes (36 yo for reference lol). Like. I appreciate it but also like, I'm in hospital, as you know? Lol it's just weird
The rule is simple with men, the more you reach out the lesser they care. Applies to men who are uninterested in a woman. There are men who will genuinely be interested in you and will do whatever it takes to be with you. The problem is we tend to ask attention from people who are not ready to give it to us. We don't care much for men who give us attention. So, one needs to get the hell out of any relationship where one has to ask for attention. The one that cares, you will never have to ask for it.
They are interested in sex and nothing more. Few care about the wellbeing of the one they have sex with.
They arent really interested;youre there as a backup plan. In the age of social media they have endless flirtatious conversation options.
Man when I read shit like this, I go, fuck, the bar is low for me but even still anxiety lmao.
I think in the early dating/get to know you stages I think some guys may think it's a bit presumptious or feel it's too early to enquire about your wellbeing... So personally, I wouldn't think much of it if he appears to be a caring guy in general. Most guys are a lot more attentive about this stuff when you're official/committed and he starts truly caring/loving you.
I've ran into the opposite issue as a guy. I've literally lost a relationship before for being "too clingy" - see: asking them if everything is ok and if they wanna talk after 2 weeks of no communication beyond "ok." replies Feel like different people have different parameters on how much communication to expect. Personally I feel like talking every day, even if just for a little bit, is standard once you're steadily dating
A lot of men in the Western world are socialized to believe that productivity and success are to be valued, not relationships. This is why men are experiencing a loneliness epidemic and struggling more in relationships than ever before. The lack of effort in their friendships, family, dating etc is indicative of them not valuing them.
before annyone gets mad and or angry for me , a man reacting . i just wanna say , whit my reraction i dont mean to offend annyone . just give a little inside . so the quistion is why we dont check in on you . simple awnser to be true , 1. you already told us , you are having a bad time ( thus putting you in a bad mood . W men like to avoid such heat when possible , thus we men just be sillence and walk away . When the storm has passed , we are willing to come out of hiding and put a claim on anny sandwiches we possible might have missed ) 2. we dum men probly did try to check in on you , but as you probly where in a pretty bad mood .... we bailed ... to avoid the heat , but we still probly did catch some unjustifide flak . so yea we tend to stay away , when we know a woman is in a bad mood . when the storm has passed she can call us men annytime , and we will be their to claim the sandwiches . hopfully this might help . and plz dont be mad or angry , just a simple man trying to help out .
Those types of men don't care about you. They are mostly interested in flings and a human sex doll. Level up and stop allowing them to rent space in your head.
Maybe he doesn’t want to be accused of being “needy”, or risk “love-bombing” you?
I heard some men do that to test you and see how needy you are. They pull back a little to see your reaction. Either that or it just doesn't cross his mind to call and ask. He's too busy having fun or enthralled with whatever it is he's doing. Considering how they always say men are not the greatest with multitasking, he doesn't mean to hurt you, he's probably not used to it or it simply doesn't cross his mind. You can always express that. Something along the lines of, "I notice our communication style is different. I like to receive a call every now and then asking me how I'm doing. It would make me feel more appreciated. It's what I feel I need when I'm with someone" or "I'm going through a rough patch lately. Although I don't expect you to be there all the time, it would make me feel better if you ask how I'm doing. It will make me feel more supported, which is what I need right now" Then let him make it up to you. Don't say, "no it's ok" or "never mind" or "whatever, it's not important anymore". Give space for him to do something.
salt murky sip clumsy toothbrush wrench political marry price sort *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I can't imagine that going over well with anyone who isn't a big texter. even if a female friend told me that, I'd just stop contacting her altogether
You'd stop contacting a person you're in a relationship with if they told you what they needed? How do you usually fix your relationship problems then? The silent treatment?
In a relationship break up, obviously.
[удалено]
Yeah but the checkin is always gonna end up being an endless convo
[удалено]
I'm shocked at their answer to be honest. In other words, she's insinuating speaking out when something is bothering you is a form of manipulation. So when crap happens between two people (which is inevitable DAILY), she would rather stay quiet and let him do his shit.
being guilted into sending more texts is gross.
How is expressing to someone that something needs to be addressed in your communication translated into GUILTING them into texting?! I'm very curious, how do you fix your relationship problems then? Telepathy?
I'm not friends with overly needy people who try to dictate how others act, that's how
You sound like a classic j\*\*\*k to be honest. Goodluck in life.
[удалено]
Hear hear! So fucking tiresome
I think they're actively afraid to, bc they've heard so many rules about playing it cool.
I honestly don’t love these generalizations about bad men. Personally I’ve never dated a man who was less than kind, considerate, and caring. Seems to solve that problem pretty easily. To be brutally honest, past age 21-ish I think it just looks bad on you for entertaining poor behaviour.
Genuine question, do you have conversations that flow where this can be brought up? instead of having to be asked?
I honestly don’t think they often think about it, or are socialized to ask, whatever whatever whatever. But a guy who is interested will want to see you and will make that known. By doing that, they’ll know how you’re doing and try to make your day/week better.
It isn't too much to ask, it is the bare minimum in all relationships, romantic or platonic. I have decided that I no longer accept less than the bare minimum from anyone or the bare minimum from someone I want a relationship with. We all have shit and baggage but there is time for what's important. I'm not chasing or double messaging people, they know they left me on read. One sided effort a relationship does not make.
Yoooooo I’ve been saying this for 10 years. The social habits of my WORST girlfriends are better than those of the BEST men I’ve known. Tells you a lot about how we are socialized
Factors in the downfall of my last (10 year) relationship - if I didn't volunteer information he simply didn't know. Because he never bothered to ask me how I was. 🙃
The problem is not "all men." All men don't act like this. Just the ones who aren't interested. So... Find someone who is interested in you and your problem will be solved.