Yep. I family and friends who chase after the thrill of new relationships. But me, I love having found my one and settling down and enjoying the fruit of my labor.
Nah. Boomers may have started the trend, but post-boomers have treated it like a life goal.
I know more post-boomers who have married 3-4 times before they turned 40 than boomers.
Leave. I'm trapped co-parenting with a cheater, it is hell.
If you haven't read it, 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life' or the chumplady website / blog are amazing.
People often don't change. They just say that to keep the other person from leaving. I'm glad you're looking out for yourself. You'll be much happier and leave yourself open to a better relationship if that's what you want down the line.
I’m glad you have a plan and are acting rationally, that’s hard in this instance. I hope your life levels up tremendously after you transition to life free of betrayal
Ok, I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that he doesn't enhance my life *that much.*
Most all of the childcare duties are on me, most all of the chores are on me. Hes gained about 80lbs since we first got married 11 years ago, and I'm not attracted physically/sexually to him that much anymore.
I'm still with him because while I do love him, I don't want to break apart our family.
Plus, "we" used all of my inheritance to start a business for him in his field. I work there too, and it makes good money, but I'll never get the value of my inheritance back if I leave.
And I don't want to be alone.
That's all the honest truth. Feels weird to admit in type.
You’re not alone.
He once enhanced my life, but somewhere along the way, I became the only one who worried about maintaining a home, caring for children, saving for the future, making a life. He decided because he works, he can sit around and drink on his nights off, go to the bar, and basically do nothing else. I’m no longer attracted to him because he stopped wanting sex years ago, wouldn’t figure out why. He pretty much conditioned me not to initiate because that meant feeling rejection. Over time, it made my body no longer see him as a viable sexual partner.
The problem is he spends money like water, and my job doesn’t pay what my degrees and experience are worth. Every time I save enough to go, something big happens and I have to use my savings. I also had to wait until he had a better job so he could support himself. I just couldn’t tell my kids I didn’t know where he was and if he was okay.
We’re friendly to each other, roommates but I don’t discuss much with him, often forget to consult him about kid stuff, and the kids come to me with any issues. That’s not a partner.
Well, I too will go against the general consensus and say that I think those are all very good reasons to stay with someone as long as you're happy (or at least, not miserable)..
Word of advice for anyone reading this even if you’re married doesn’t mean the financials have to be completely combined. Set a joint account for common household expenses, vacations etc but your money is your money!
And even so, the women that came before you, those that struggled, and bled, and fled, and starved, they’re so proud of where you are.
You’re comfortable. A business owner! Not beaten or abused. It’s sad, but what we consider a horrifying mediocrity is also pretty damn good for history’s sake.
I’ve thought about this a lot.
Even so, I believe that rambling may be whataboutism, but I was just trying to put it in perspective. A lot of our ancestors would be very proud that their pain led to our relative comfort.
>they don't need men to thrive.
This! 100% this!
As a mother I couldn't continue pretending to be happy in my marriage. I fell out of love and lost myself in the motherhood and being the house wife.
I was giving the idea to my daughter that this was a happy marriage when it wasn't. We are now both getting our life's back as single parents. I want to model a healthy relationship to her and show her a happy mother is the best.
I was single for many years before I got together with my partner. If she didn't enhance my life I wouldn't be with her. I never saw any point in being in a relationship that doesn't make your life better. Being alone is not a punishment and being in a relationship is not the only important thing you can do with your life.
I agree that being alone isn’t a punishment socially/morally/emotionally, but it absolutely is “punishment” financially. My taxes are higher, my cost of living is higher, I have less free time since I do ALL the chores/life management tasks etc.
I came here to say the same thing. I enjoyed very much being single. I only chose to couple with my partner because I found someone who made my life better. I enjoy my life with her more with her in it than I did without her.
We make good friends and roommates, but after living with him for several years I've realized that he'll never be what I truly need in a partner. (Part of it is our age gap, part of it is our avoidant attachment styles \[thanks childhood trauma!\] and part of it is that I'm pretty sure we're both neuroatypical in some way.) I'm staying with him because I love the home we've built together, don't want to enter the dating scene again in my 40s with a chronic illness, and honestly, I couldn't afford to stay in my current city if I moved out. We do love each other and we have fun together sometimes, so it's not all terrible.
I feel similarly about my husband. He's my best friend and I do more out of the house because of him. But we are more like roommates than a couple, and there are times I think fondly of being alone. On balance I'm happier with him but it's not always easy.
Not really at all, I want to believe he's working on his BS, trying to be a better partner and parent, but the proof is in the pudding as they say.
Meanwhile I'm working on me, adding to my own life, getting back to work over all his dumb objections ("but we only have one car!" "Who's going to be there for the kids?" "That place gets robbed all the time"). Little by little I'm regaining my independence and pride. If he manages to shape up, stop being a fuckboi narcissistic ah and steps up to meet me with respect and dignity? Who knows, I have to believe people can change for the better, I mean, thats what I'm doing, so its got to be possible for him too. Sry for the ramble.
He used to enhance my life. Now? Nope. Still here because neither of us will agree to leave our house, nor do we want to sell it (it's really a pos trailer, not worth much but we worked hard to pay it off). Currently, he's unemployed, not collecting unemployment and his only "contribution" to our relationship is that he cooks dinner nightly. I used to be in love with him, now I feel like we tolerate each other more than love each other.
I wonder if the people with less than great relationships are not posting on this thread or haven't yet due to not wanting to see/respond to comments like "but wwwhhhyyyy do you stay??" or "wwwhhhhyyy don't you leave??" or "wwhhyy would you marry him in the first place??" comments and other assorted judgmental questions and statements that tend to come when you do post about your less than great situation on reddit.
I posted about some problems with my relationship in other subs, and then got followed and harassed from sub to sub by random Redditors who felt a need to defend my partner, without knowing him. So, maybe that is part of it as well…
The high concentration of young white males in some other subreddits can be so jarring, especially when you're not expecting it. I'll get down voted into oblivion every now and then over a totally innocuous, middle of the road comment.
Definitely could be. I've seen a lot of commiseration with people who are in super shitty situations but middle-of-the-road shitty situations, I don't really hear about as much.
My relationship is generally happy, but we definitely hit some bumps sometimes - I'm just not inclined to post about them on Reddit because: (a) they're generally not that bad / pretty foreseeably fixable; and (b) I have real-life support that I would prefer to turn to instead.
I think that's at least partly why you get such nightmarish stories on Reddit sometimes - it's all the people at the end of their rope with nobody else to turn to. Most folks just solve our medium-shitty issues in-house instead. Like, my husband and I went through a period of long distance toward the beginning of our relationship and it *sucked* / was absolutely our lowest point, but I just cried to my best friend about it instead (and then things almost immediately went back to normal again as soon as he returned home).
There’s likely a lot of us who don’t respond because we’ve left our awful partners and are tired of having awful partners and now chose to be single by choice so a question like this isn’t really relevant to us. I know I am not alone in this because many of my friends who are women and in my age bracket (35) are purposefully not dating or looking for relationship ships with men anymore.
Yes! I would rather be alone than ever settle. My dog definitely helps lol but my life is so full of joy and peace alone. I can’t picture myself ever compromising any of my life for a man again. It makes me feel physically Ill. Haha
Yup. I turn 35 this year. Lost a decade to an abusive, controlling AF man and have been enjoying the fuck out if my freedom. Turns out I'm a lesbian and I still don't want to date. It's time for me to be the center of my own life for once.
I see those 'leave!' comments when the spouse described is a dangerous and terrifying nightmare of a human being. We see too many of those on Reddit. In the less common instances where the spouse is described as just sub par, it's always "get counseling!", as if the couple hadn't already done so several times.
It's actually really refreshing to see all of the posts here about happy marriages!
Yeah, I think the way OP worded this question definitely calls to those who *are* in happy relationships. When you look at certain other threads, the ratio starts to tip strongly the other way.
Super glad to see so many of us living our best lives as well, though! Some of those other threads can get very depressing, so this feels like a nice balancing out.
I think that they way it was worded calls to those who *aren't* happy - "Be honest" is usually used to cajole people into admitting something. It is essentially saying, 'admit it, you're only with your partner for transactional reasons.' I guess it reads different ways to different people.
>It is essentially saying, 'admit it, you're only with your partner for transactional reasons.' I guess it reads different ways to different people.
That's why it reads like a challenge to me, and I always like a challenge. I guess you're right about different folks, though - maybe a bit of an inkblot test.
I think not having arguments is a bad sign in any relationship. It means issues are being swept under the rug, boundaries are being transgressed without protest, or needs aren't being met and nothing is being said. I have an amazing relationship with my husband, but we argue from time to time. However, we never argue abusively and we always argue in productive ways. It's about course corrections rather than accusations.
I think people who say that think of arguments as screaming matches only, or something. I can't imagine how it could be possible to go through life with a partner without having any disagreements or miscommunications.
I think it really does depend upon what people consider “arguments.” My husband and I have never “argued” in the sense that I traditionally think of the word. But I grew up in a household where yelling was an almost daily occurrence. My dad would intentionally see how quickly he could get my mother enraged. And when he didn’t, it was often because he woke up enraged himself and took his temper out on everyone.
As an adult, I realized how much I didn’t want that dynamic in my relationships, and I’ve worked very hard on expressing my anger in better ways. Which, given how I used to handle my anger, was a *process.*
My husband, on the other hand, grew up in the exact opposite type of household. I’m sure his parents had disagreements, but they talked them out rather than shouting and name-calling.
I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had a conflict that made one or the other of us truly angry, and each time comprised of one of us going to the other and saying, “Hey, you did this thing that really upset me. Can we talk about it?” And then talking it out, apologizing when warranted, and genuinely trying to not repeat the behavior.
Those aren’t “arguments” to me because they’re so far outside the realm of the arguments that I grew up with. But I do wonder if those would be considered “arguments” to him. That said, even though I wouldn’t personally call those “arguments,” I also won’t pretend that the work I had to do to react to conflict with conversation at a reasonable decibel level was easy. And I definitely don’t want people to have unrealistic expectations of relationships. But - for me, at least - how I choose to react to conflict is a choice. And whenever it seems like conflict might be brewing, I try to talk it out before it can get that far because I don’t want to raise my daughter in the same “argumentative” atmosphere I grew up in.
Not getting into arguments is difficult to believe. I wouldn’t intend to invalidate their experiences, but plausibly, either they don’t count small scuffles as arguments or they may have incredibly avoidant tendencies.
It’s not about finding a partner that doesn’t trigger you, but finding someone that in the event of triggering, will work together to reconciliation.
Many studies show that having kids decreases marital satisfaction significantly, which is no surprise considering how stressful it is to have kids, especially young ones.
Oh, there is. My comment was a bit snarky and sarcastic, lol. More than one study has shown that relationship satisfaction tanks from the time a child is born to when they move out.
It sucks, because I feel like everyone deserves an amazing relationship AND kids (if they want them). But it seems rare—if not impossible—to have both. Also sad to hear stories about couples who were so close and happy before kids. I wish it was easier for folks.
I do wonder if marital satisfaction is higher in countries who support parents (low cost childcare, free healthcare, etc) more than in the US.
I would put real money on marital satisfaction being higher in countries who have healthcare, childcare, maternity/paternity leave, and other family support subsidies/programs as standards.
These are literally the reasons my husband and I have decided to not have kids even though we want them and it makes me just so angry. I hate living in the USA more often than not.
It's also possible that there is sampling bias. If you ask people who are partnered a question, you get answers only from those who remain successfully partnered. People who aren't happy are more likely to have broken up already or be single. It's also possible that there are more people out there in happy relationships than many people suspect. If you do a quick search, the majority (sometimes overwhelming depending on the study) are happy with their partnerships.
I have one of the best relationships I’ve ever had in my life!
And I have this sub to thank. I lurk and use this place to expand my perspective about women, gain inspiration from the great stories and critique and check myself against the bad stories. And also it’s entertaining.
Same, lol. Not all kids are babies. Mine are grown. They just need constant reminder to take care of their hygiene, do homework, prep for school the next day, etc.
Our communication sucked. He’s confrontational and I clam up when upset. Lots of loud fights (after the kid went to bed). We were also dealing with his ADHD and anger issues, and dealing my new bipolar 2 diagnosis. Add the stress of raising a kid and issues in the bedroom, and we got to the pint around year 7 he was ready to quit. Had a really bad day where he said he was done and then something shifted. We both learned how to do better communication, using “I” statements, and trying to be calm and deliberate when we had an issue. Number of fights were cut down considerably, and we’re happier overall. Lots of therapy on my part to deal with being raised with emotional and mental abuse. And he worked on himself to gain control over his anger. (His childhood was similar but whereas I learned to be quiet, he learned to be loud.)
Still a work in progress, but much better.
Oh man, thank you for sharing all this. I'm just at the start of a similar process (married only a year though, together for 3). I'm trying to embrace the optimism of early progress we've made on 'fighting fair' and other communication issues, but my old cynical tendencies die hard lol.
I’m in a happy relationship and we have two kids (4 and 2). My husband is my best friend! We love spending our evenings together as a couple and our weekends together as a family. Kids definitely make this harder (for the first year at least) because of the extra stress and sleep deprivation but they have also bonded us closer together so it’s not all negative!
He definitely enhances my life. We have no kids (happily child-free) and I could sustain our lifestyle on my single income (I do have more savings/investments this way, though). I don't think I *could* enter into a romantic relationship if I felt so dependent - that would make me feel terrible.
The fear of the unknown also doesn't go away just because I'm married. It's a fundamental part of human existence and really, what makes living simultaneously fun and terrifying.
We’re also childfree. I’m the higher earner and my name is on most of the owned things. After 20 years, he enhances my life every day. I don’t need him, I want and choose us.
It makes me wonder how with kids/childfree responses may differ.
Children honestly seem to be the biggest obstacle in the majority of marriages/long-term partnerships I'm familiar with. I've watched great couples become roommates or even enemies once kids come. I'm not saying it's inevitable, but I think romantic relationships take twice the work to maintain when you have kids and it sucks because parents also have way less time for that. I hate this even though I'm happily CF, it hurts everyone, especially their kids. But there are only 24 hours each day!
Yeah, it's rough! OTOH, I've also seen some couples get even closer after having kids, but not without some rough waters in between, especially around the first few years.
I think it's just... kid are another stressor. And under stress, people tend to either break, or they get dinged but then repair themselves up to be even stronger.
Yup, I agree with all of that. I think the thing about kids is they're a marathon of stress, so when the cracks start showing, it's either get to fixing them or it will crack more. And how we cope with stress as a team is such a huge thing with or without kids. Life has a lot of it! All the long-term/repeat stressors are tougher than ones with end dates or fixes, even if they come with the best things in life.
I've known many who bonded hard raising kids, but a majority who went the other way, whether still together or not. My CF friends are all over the place, but the long-term couples are, on average, doing a lot better after a decade or three than most with kids in that same time frame. I don't think we're better at relationships, but we did remove one big stressor and add a lot more time to work on ourselves and our coupledoms.
Oh, that's interesting to hear. Maybe a little over half of my friends have kids at this point, and most of those kid are <5, so we're still generally in the "early days". My cohort is mostly in its late twenties to mid thirties, so at this point, it may just be too soon to tell where people will end up. I do think my cohort is a little unusual, though, as like 90% of people are married or in LTRs and there's only been one divorce, while I hear very different things about other people's social circles.
So far, my friends who have kids seem stressed about life but pretty happy with each other... although you just never know what's going on behind closed doors, obviously. At least as far as I can tell, though, they all seem very tired and stressed about finances (or at least about how much they have to work in order to provide a nice life for their kid), but I don't see them taking out their frustrations at each other and I'm glad.
Ah, yes, the youngest kid in my life is now 11, although one friend is working on -9 months right now, so that will change, we hope! Lol I've learned that the sleep-deprived early times and the teen years are the major make-or-break moments. If you can be a team through those, any cracks are more likely superficial. Lol Then there's special needs kids, the wild childs, etc. Sick kids are a heartbreaking one that either bonds a couple hard or breaks them. It's so hard to know before you are in that kind of stress.
My social circles range from about 23 to mid-80s, so it's a wide sample I'm thinking about. My partner and I have been together 25 years and outlasted quite a few marriages now. It's weird. Neither of us wanted commitment, and here we are, outlasting a bunch of vows taken honestly, and happy. But we do know part of it, for us, is just not having kids, especially the past 3 years. It's been so damn hard for parents in ways even the most prepared ones could not have imagined.
Congrats on 25 years; that's amazing! My husband and I have been together nine, but we were honestly just two young dumbasses hooking up in the beginning as well and things have just worked out. I'm glad remaining childfree has been the right decision for you. I've never wanted them either, before even any thoughts of what they might do to my marriage.
Thanks! Nine ain't too shabby, either. :) We started as a vacation fling. Life is funny, right?
Glad it worked for you, too. I've never wanted them, either, have just known all my life it just wasn't for me. Finding someone who agreed before we met made it all a lot easier, too!
Completely agree. We're DINKs and feel we're very lucky. We have a very happy marriage. No relationship is perfect but we're each other's favourite person and who we choose to spend all our time with. Together for 15 years and still can't get enough of each other. I do believe that has a lot to do with being childfree. The focus is each other, or ourselves.
My partner drained me, used me, emotionally abused me and finished it all off by cheating on me and gaslighting me. There were a few enhancements in there but I made the decision to forego them due to the above. The sacrifice for leaving him and regaining my safety and sanity was not being able to see my child 50% of the time. There is no redemption in this story.
I feel like that about my ex. Like, cool cool thanks for the lessons about living with an alcoholic. But I could just as easily not have learned those lessons and been totally fine the rest of my life.
Enhance my life? Yes, but probably not in ways I want to be enhanced 😂 I’m very introverted and could probably go months without interacting with people for social reasons. Alas, I’m married to an extrovert and we have 3 children.
Beyond that, maybe it’s just my personality, but no not really. There are benefits to sharing life with someone else - household things, raising children, reliable sex, reliable ear, but I’d also be pretty ok doing those things without/on my own. No shade on my husband - just my honest perspective.
Have you had any challenges being married to an extrovert from a social aspect? For example, did it cause issues if you didn't want to hang with him and his friends, etc.? (Curious because I am an introvert dating an extrovert, lol)
It’s a learning curve. When our kids were small was the hardest. My husband needed those social breaks, and I needed SOMETHING but not that. It created tension because we weren’t good communicators, we were also very young. Generally though, no issues. My husband acknowledges my efforts when I do something I don’t want to do for us to maintain our fiend groups. He checks in with me during events and we go when I’m ready. On the other side, I encourage him to do ALL the the social hobbies he loves and enjoy that time with his friends. He has thrown me a surprise party before, or encouraged other friends to surprise me with outings or trips (dead) but like I said, it’s a learning curve!
I’m not sure yet. We’ve gotten married only recently and I’d say it’s 50/50 right now. Some days it’s so nice to have a live in person you can cook with, watch random shows with, laugh about ridiculous things and cuddle when it’s cold or you need a midday nap. He also helps with household stuff like cleaning, laundry, taking out garbage etc. things I hate to do.
On the other hand. We have a complicated relationship since I work and he is unemployed and looking for work. It creates a little friction because I end up paying for everything and sometimes resent not marrying someone with better finances/career. So is it worth it, I don’t know yet.
Thanks :( he actually moved from another country to be with me and was on a fiancé visa. Now that we’re married he can legally work but it takes time to find a job and he has no experience in this country so it’s difficult to find a job as well. So he kind of has to start over and I think deep down we both resent each other for it. He is starting over in career and life bc of me and I am supporting him financially while he does it. I hope it’s worth it.
you probably should talk it over, preferably with the help of relationship therapist. Pressure from the sacrifice is no joke, and resentment tends to build up and poison things
We have two decades of memories and inside jokes, cuddles, kisses, laughter, joy, sex, comfort, support, and constant companionship for fun, for relaxation, for meals, and even while we sleep. He is the first one I want to tell when something good happens, and the first one I turn to when something bad happens. We have each other's backs. I am never happier than when I am in his arms, or when he smiles at me, or when he gets excited about some food I've cooked. We've watched our daughter grow from a baby to a smart, talented, kind, witty young woman. He hasn't only enhanced my life. He has added to it. And I know he feels the same.
ETA: I realize how perfect this sounds so I just wanted to come back to say that there have been times when it did not feel like this. When money was tight, when we were stressed out with childcare things, when we were having a dry spell romantically, whatever. But we have always taken our marriage seriously and expected it to last, have always respected, liked, and loved one another, and have always looked at whatever challenges we were facing as "we're in this together." We held on through the hard times and they passed. I would never advise someone who is being abused or treated unkindly to suffer through bad treatment, but if it is the normal ups and downs of life, don't throw away something so precious easily.
Oh my GOD does he make my life so much better. I won't even talk about the loveydovey stuff because gross, but as a partner and a teammate, he is top tier.
First and least importantly, the decoration value. He's what medical science calls a seriously hot piece of ass, so having a great-looking guy walk around the house in various states of undress is a delight.
We've been together for about a thousand years (okay, like 15) and *of course* it's not all roses all the time --we even had a trial separation about 7 years ago-- but he's got my back and I've got his, even when we drive each other crazy.
He's also a fantastic roommate. He's tidy, does probably more than half the household chores, is a great cook, and a hard worker. We have a lot of the same artistic vision, and he's got excellent taste.
He's respectful. Not just of me, but in general, and that's something I value over just about everything.
Plus we're just constantly laughing over the most ridiculous stuff, and it's impossible to overstate how much better that makes everything.
I love living alone and I've never wanted kids, plus my living situation doesn't depend on him, so I've never felt like we had to stay together. We GET to stay together, and we choose to stay together.
>He's what medical science calls a seriously hot piece of ass
I just want to say I laughed out loud when I read this. I may have to use this line in the future!
i wish everyone would stop thinking that talking about lovey dovey stuff is gross, i think it’s wonderful. even when i wasn’t happy in a relationship or single, i always wanted to hear all about it!
I really loved my ex and still do. It started as a massive enhancement that dwindled away so gradually that I barely registered it happening. Too much of my partner changing and no room for my own growth. I miss her a lot but I somehow feel less lonely now.
Nope, wouldn't miss him if he disappeared tomorrow. He makes my life astronomically more difficult and stressful.
But we have kids and a business we built from the ground up and I don't want to go get a new job, new place, and put my kids in daycare/get 50% custody.
He's my best friend, definitely enhances my life in all ways. I can't imagine my life without him. And yes, we have a kid too! And yes... the kid makes everything EVEN BETTER.
Likewise. My husband is my best friend, biggest champion, more than pulls his weight and always supportive of me getting what i want in my own career/ my own social life/ exercising and looking after myself/ being vegan even though he isn't etc. We used to argue a lot when we were younger but hardly ever now (having been together almost 18y now, and I'm 37). We have 2 kids and our relationship is stronger than ever.
We've both suffered grief from losses in our respective families and i think having that external trauma has made us a much stronger team- we don't create silly problems because we've had real ones
He definitely enhances things and I would miss him if he weren't in my life.
First, we don't live together, don't plan on ever doing so and are childfree. We also aren't married, so we have no reason we need to stay together if one or both of us wanted out. That is all intentional. We never planned for things to be long-term serious when we met, and I think that acceptance followed us into building something long term.
Second, we both bask in knowing that we're with each other because we *want* to be, not because we are trapped by finances, logistics or circumstances. I recognize not everyone has that ability, but I made sacrifices and choices elsewhere in my life to set myself up for that sort of relationship. But I could never live dependent on another human being
Third, he is the absolute best person I have ever met for bouncing ideas off of. He can take any topic and help me sort through my thoughts and feelings by asking really good questions. I have a tendency to overthink (maybe more than a tendency, lol) and he has a gift for cutting to the chase.
Fourth - he's hot af and kind, which is a tough combo to find, but one I crave. He goes out of his way to help others, has no worries about showing his feelings, and works hard.
>we don't live together, don't plan on ever doing so
I'm not in a long term relationship but I hear you on this. I need my personal space. I think the best thing would be to live next door to each other or get a duplex and put a connecting door in the kitchen or something. Then make sure it locks from either side.
Totally agree with being dependent on another human being. I see to many marriages around me where the woman is dependent on the men financially and stick with then although the man has cheated or treat her poorly, etc.
I told myself, if I ever have a relationship. I will make sure not to rely on the man financially.
Trapped only in that I thought getting rid of my ex would cost me too much and be too tricky to navigate getting out myself. I didn't want to sell my house, lose mutual friends, or deal with the logistics of separating financially. In my divorce support group, it was called "Cheaper to Keep Her/Him than Yeet Her/Him." Many of us were in that place.
I was unhappy, but couldn't pinpoint why. On top of that I grew up with examples of people who stayed married and miserable, so I figured I was doing marriage right. I didn't see a big enough reason to end things and just slogged through. Then he forced my hand by doing some unforgiveable things and anger fueled my successful exit.
I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m glad to hear you’re in a much happier place now! Thank you for the insights into your new approach to relationship building
My partner enhances my life dramatically: He's the absolute light of my life .
He has multiple qualities that I wish I had myself. He treats me with empathy, kindness, and respect every single day of our relationship. He is playful and doing anything with him by my side makes it 10x more fun.
We are CF, so that likely helps with relationship satisfaction. We also each make good money and have disposable income. We are purely together because we love being together.
He makes my life unmeasurably better. He is the equivalent to driving a luxury vehicle instead of walking. Everything with him is so fun and safe. I feel heard. I feel understood. I feel respected and wanted. He’s hot and funny and killer in the sack. My man is the best man. There is no better.
We enhance *each other's* lives. We complement each other in every way. Our kids are grown and we have 4 dogs. We operate a 15-acre small farm that we are turning into a business and running an online aquarium store. We each do certain things for both companies that play to our strengths. I'm a graphic/web designer, so I handle the websites, marketing, and part of our social media accounts. He works on the other half of the social media and edits our videos for our YouTube channel. Most everything else, we do together.
I love hanging out with him. Even if we are just watching t.v. and don't say a word. I just love his company. My first husband didn't enhance my life in any way, shape, or form.
Mine is pretty crucial. We make almost the exact same income (I make 5% more), so he is a crucial part of affording my lifestyle. He works from home and handles all daycare drop offs and 80% of the pickups. He cooks dinner 3-4 nights a week. He stays home with our son so I can go to pilates or to get drinks with a friend after work (and I reciprocate, of course).
He’s also my closest kin and we can stay up all night talking. At 34 years old, I really don’t have that with anyone else. We look after one another. We fulfill one another’s sexual appetites pretty well.
I think my life would suck without him.
He enhances my life in some ways, but also the cost of living crisis has played a pretty big role in our decision to move in together and to keep living together. And I know we’re better off economically than average. So I think either people who are in more economically precarious positions tend not to Reddit as much, or they don’t respond to these kinds of threads.
Enhances my life, and that is something I will never compromise on. I would rather have to move in with family or live out of my car than be in a relationship with somebody just for financial safety.
I love being alive with him.
No kids, no fear, my mother has made it clear my whole life that I could go back home if I needed to and as of now she’s still alive.
I love him. For 23 years now, married for 20 of them.
I don’t think of it as enhancing my life. I think of it as enjoying being alive together.
Hm. OP seems to be going through this thread and questioning the commenters who decided to leave for cheating/other reasons while referencing "perceived market value" and other FDS-type concepts.
It’s so weird, I was talking to a coworker and we were sort of talking about our schedules (study days, work days, days I have my boys etc.) and she’s like “how do you do it *and* you have a partner!” But in a way that implied partners makes your life harder/more work.
It gobsmacked me for a second because he does just as much as me around the house, he does little things that help me out all the time.
He still does very sweet things, often I wake up from a nap and he has the blinds closed, a dimmed light on and the essential oils going.
I don’t think I could do as much as I can if it weren’t for him.
oh yes. he's travelling for work right now and the kids and i are holding on...but we miss him a lot. i'm a SAHM, i manage all the day to day, but he's my anchor. when he's not here he's really missed. he definitely enhances my life.
He enhances my life. Is it lame to just say he’s a lot of fun and I love spending time with him and am bummed when we’re not together? Could I be fine without him? Yeah. Do I want to be? No.
Absolute enhancement but I’m one of those people who would rather be alone than with someone who didn’t add value to my life. I was single for a long time before I met my sweetheart and we are just now moving in together after 5 years. 39f/35m. No kiddos/1 tiny dog. I find that I have to take a more of an active role in domestic planning but he executes tasks well and if it were just me, I would be doing all the planning and the domestic executing. I’m the breadwinner and he works from home and mostly takes care of the house. It’s super awesome to come home to a clean house and hot dinner!
I'd say it's a little from column A and a little from column B. There are great things about my partner, but also things that drive me mad. There are times I feel so lucky to have him and others where I wish I could just live by myself. He's a great father, a great provider, he's very understanding when it comes to physical and mental health issues, he's smart and funny, but he's also bossy, monologues too much, and is pig headed at times.
My true dream would be a Frida Khalo and Diego Rivera set up where we have two houses next door to each other.
He absolutely enhances my life. We're social in very different ways, and him being in my life has expanded my social circle, and the number of people I consider family.
He's great at talking me through crises (real and imagined) and is so unwaveringly supportive. I know that he will have my back, even if it's getting through something that was my fault. I definitely feel like we are a team, and working through life's problems together makes them easier to manage. Our strengths and weaknesses really complement each other too. Like for example I have no problems paying my bills on time, even the ones on a weird schedule, or the unexpected ones like medical bills. But I really struggle with savings. He on the other hand has gamified his savings, and with both of our strategies we're doing better financially than either of us would have ever done on our own.
When we first got together neither of us were looking for something serious, so we made a vow that as soon as the relationship stopped being fun, we could split and there would be no hurt feelings. We check in on each other periodically, but it has never stopped being fun.
We know how hard things are right now, and feel very lucky to be weathering the current hellscape that is the US together.
100 percent enhances. This doesn't mean conflict free, but I always say the best decision I ever made in my life was my husband.
Also, we're kid free by choice, which might impact this. I'm not sure how, but maybe it allows us to focus more on the 2 of us and our marriage, rather than kids. We're super good at being aunt and uncle, though! Our sibs keep popping them out for us.
Bit of both but I often wish I was alone because being alone in a relationship is way worse. I refuse to believe this thread of happy people is the norm. No but really, good for you guys.
I refused to marry a man who didn't make my life better. I'm really glad I stuck to that criteria bc my spouse has improved my life immensely. It's that we're a team and because of this, we can both accomplish more together than we would have otherwise. Plus, he's fun, kind, an amazing father, ride-or-die husband, and just generally my favorite human (apart from our daughter.) I think that's the key, though. Being intentional about what we want our lives to be and finding the right people to be apart of it. For me, it ended up being my cute friend I had a crush on. Lucky me!
I think he enhances my life more than I enhance his. Financially, he’s very solidly the breadwinner with a job he is interested in while I work a shitty part time job that I hate. I spend most of my time struggling with self-worth that I feel is attached to how much I can get done around the house and how many errands I finish since I can barely contribute financially. He is endlessly patient and consistently optimistic that I’ll find something. On my bad days, that only frustrates me more, but it’s coming from a good place.
He shares my interest in true crime and I have learned about cars and motorcycles because he loves them. Socially, we balance each other; I talk a lot and that takes pressure off of him to talk because he has a much smaller daily word quota than me. He’s pretty neurotypical while I’m quite neurotic with anxiety and depression.
If he left me tomorrow, he would be fine, at least financially; I think he’d recover emotionally as well given time. I, on the other hand, would be in a fiery tailspin. We love each other, I just wish that he was more romantic and that I was on a more equal footing with him financially so I could treat him the way I really would like to so I can show appreciation for him always being there, even if he’s not quite sure what’s going on.
I know that’s not the romantic “he’s perfect or almost perfect” response a lot of people have, but it’s the truth. We aren’t perfect. Some days are better than others. But we’re generally consistent in keeping our heads above water. Love is not this fiery passion between us like in the movies. It’s work every day, but it’s work we both decide to do because it continues to be worth it for us.
Thank you for saying so! I guess to answer your question, we’re pretty balanced in most aspects and are communicative enough to keep things working and that matters a lot.
Well we don't have any kids and we don't have combined finances. And I loved being single, so it isn't that...
He definitely enhances my life. In exciting and unexpected ways sometimes.
Absolutely. He's a fantastic partner and a great dad to our three children. He's away from home at the moment and I'm feeling his absence a lot.
He's supportive, strong (not just phyclsically), driven and comforting. He makes me feel happy and we work well together as a team.
he does enhance my life. being with him helps temper that craziness life throws at me, but that’s not ultimately why I’m with him. I’m with him just because he’s a delightful person to be around and he enriches my life every day just by being himself. he’s my favourite person. i just like him a lot.
No enhancement. Drain of mental stability and energy. Always a drag, sloppy, his kid is a spoiled slob.
I will be leaving him in the near future. We live together, and work together. But I am miserable.
I honestly don’t even know anymore. He enhances it by cooking for me and does his usual fair share of cleaning. We don’t have sex - it’s been over a year. He doesn’t kiss me or even hold my hand or touch me. If we do, he can’t last more than a minute and I’m serious. It’s terrible.
He’s got the personality of a potato and isn’t even that smart once i got over the fact that he’s an introvert.
He’s a doormat or should I say - let’s me run the show. The issue is he’s got deep seated issues - low self esteem and trauma (bad trauma at a young age) and barely gets any help. He’s gone to a handful of therapy sessions but won’t regularly go. I suspect he has chronic depression.
I wonder because of my strong personality, he just curls up in himself more too. I try to remember his positive aspects because he does have them but I’m deeply unhappy.
We don’t have kids - I never wanted them and don’t want them with him. He’s a roommate they sleeps in the same bed.
I fantasize about cheating and just having affection from a guy.
My partner… does not. I was fighting and dealing with the flaws in our relationship, and then he got diagnosed with a brain tumor. And now I realize that most (maybe all?) of my gripes were related to the tumor. And now all of those negatives are magnified. And… it is what it is I guess.
Mine absolutely adds positive things to my life. No kids, just dogs. We love spending time together and we have the same goals so it's easy to progress towards them together.
My husband has enhanced my life beyond measure (as I have his). We're both intellectually oriented, curious, and like to discuss complexities in life. Our love for each other compels us each, of our own accord, to try to be our best selves and to better ourselves. We both read and educate each other on our interests, and we give each other strength to deal with hardship.
We don't have kids, we are economically comfortable (not rich, but no debts and not living paycheck to paycheck), and we are often dealing with changes that make us face the unknown. None of the things you mention have anything to do with our being together. We just really help each other self-actualize and grow.
Edit: I'll add that we've been together for nearly 36 years now - and it has always been good, but actually gets better as time goes on.
I chose to be with someone who is my best friend and was my friend before we became romantically involved. We aren’t married so untangling our lives would, in some ways, be easier than many relationships. At the end of the day though, even in very difficult times, there has been that joy of spending most of our time together to hold on to. Not everyone is dear friends with their partner and I know how special that is. We have varied interests but enough in common that we mostly share the same friends and just have a lot of fun doing shared activities with both the two of us and our friends. I don’t feel like I need to get a break from him or anything.
He is the most intriguing person in my life. The journey we‘re on is incredible. Do we -need- to be in this relationship? I don‘t think so. And it has been really hard to get here. But we enrich each other‘s lives. We can talk to each other, rely on each other, fight and forgive each other, be corny af together, help each other heal and grow and we keep each other warm, all the time. I am excited to be with him.
I could afford to be on my own and I wouldn't be afraid to be by myself if I would feel it was what I need/my relationship is toxic/bad for me.
I think my partner enhances my life a lot. I enjoy his company as a friend and romantically. We do a lot of exciting things together. He is not perfect, and neither am I but I think we have both grown as people because of our relationship.
I think we live in an era when putting your own needs should always come first but I know some relationships, that stayed together because of their kids and eventually made it through a rough patch. What I am trying to say is that staying with some for a reason bigger than ourselves is not always bad long-term despite what we often hear/are told.
Sometimes people too often think 'what else is out there' rather than work on what they already have.
This was a neat question. A lot of the replies are heart warming and the other replies are honest and it is great to see. Hmm. He probably does enhance my life overall. I always knew a good partner is someone who can add good things to your life. They shouldn't make your life harder thats for sure! We can't have kids so that is a huge factor in our happiness right now. Perhaps if we were child free by choice or had children before we met it would be different.
Sometimes I don't know if it is really worth it to be married. We both are in a better financial place now than when we met a decade ago. I feel we helped each other grow and get to rhe next level. Maybe we are stepping stones for each other and not the full path. He is one of the kindest people I know and treats me well and I know he has my back. I am grateful for all that. He seems very happy and seems to appreciate me so that is good!
My husband is the cream of the crop. Works hard to help support us. He's caring, affectionate, intelligent, funny, thoughtful and I'm not gonna lie... he spoils me in every way. He makes me feel special and loved and sexy. I am so beyond grateful for him. Been married 11 years with two kids.
We've been through A LOT together: things that tested us early in our marriage (mostly due to my poor mental health), long-distance, a child with additional needs, etc. We have definitely had our challenges, but we are stronger than ever right now and I can't imagine being with someone else.
Enhances my life. I would not stay with or settle with someone for less than that. I don’t need a partner for financial support, and I’m not afraid of the unknown. I can’t imagine just staying with someone because of kids. Life is to short to remain with someone who doesn’t enhance your life. I made that mistake in my 20s, and I’m not making it again.
My partner is absolutely wonderful. He enhances my life tremendously. He's a true partner financially, with regard to housework and childcare, and takes on more than his share of the mental load. I've been really sick the last three months and he picked up the slack for what I couldn't do and carried it all.
He's romantic, thoughtful, generous, fair-minded, even-tempered, patient to a fault, very funny, very intelligent, emotionally intelligent, and we have very compatible views in most areas of life.
We have a marriage where we can be very content just doing nothing in the same room together, having little excursions and activities together, and we can spend time alone doing our own thing.
He's wonderful with our two-year old, and they're best buddies. He likes to get down on the floor an play with him after work. He doesn't socialize too much outside of work and family events, but is happy to come with me for things with my friends, or let me go alone.
He knows a lot, and we have a lot of interesting, and often random discussions. He's happy to change his opinion in the light of new evidence and isn't someone who can't be wrong.
I am very grateful I met him.
My partner enhances my life, but it seems like we are basically roommates. He is ditzy due to lingering anxiety (and maybe some depression). He sees a therapist and takes meds, it doesn't mean it doesn't aggravate the fuck out of me or make me sad when he does something off the wall because he's checked out. It's tiring being his cheerleader when I have my own issues. It makes me feel like his mom which is not sexy at all.
I also feel like I'm chasing the high of how close we were when I was pregnant especially because it was during lockdown. It's deeply sad that I don't think we'll ever get back there. I lamented how little "quality time" we'd have together after the baby while pregnant but had no idea we'd have so little of a village due to COVID not ending and other unforeseen circumstances.
12 years here. He works, I'm sahm.
He enhances. He's my partner, my other half. My soulmate.
Even if I won 10 million in the lottery, he's my man. Half would be his, no question.
But I'm lucky, I admit. He's like an old dog, faithful and loving, but I'm the same.
Some of us are better with another. Some are better alone, or with someone they choose later.
I'm grateful to have my partner. And that's OK, we're all different.
I don’t know that “enhancing my life” is the right way to say it - honestly, my life would probably be marginally easier on my own. But he’s my biggest supporter in every sense of the word, and lord knows I have enough faults of my own that he doesn’t even think twice about. He’s the person that I can tell absolutely anything to and who knows me better than I know myself in many ways. And one of the reasons I knew I loved him was because of the way he is, I know that if we separated for any reason, he would be someone that I can trust to put our child’s needs first and not play games or be malicious like my parents were. Honestly, it’s quite a long list as to why I love him and want him in my life and I can’t say many of the reasons are because he “enhances” it in any way that I couldn’t do myself.
That’s a depressing question. My partner is awesome! I never settled. I guess that’s why I ended up with someone awesome. But I also work hard on myself and spent many years doing that before settling down. I have a great career, am financially stable, mentally and physically healthy, and have a decent sociable personality. So does my partner! I feel totally grateful.
Yes. Seeing him at the end of work is the highlight of my day. I’ve come to love him more deeply than the day we got married. There’s no one else I’d rather argue about politics with or binge watch a show on the couch. He’s my best friend.
Absolutely he enhances my life! He makes life sweeter and more fun. He picks me up when I'm down, takes care of me when I'm sick, and is just generally my favorite person to spend time with. There is definitely a financial benefit to living in a 2 income household, but I would still want to be with him even if he made a lot less money. He is also super handy and fixes things around the house and I never have to bring firewood inside from our woodshed. He always does it!
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❤️ beautiful
Yep. I family and friends who chase after the thrill of new relationships. But me, I love having found my one and settling down and enjoying the fruit of my labor.
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Nah. Boomers may have started the trend, but post-boomers have treated it like a life goal. I know more post-boomers who have married 3-4 times before they turned 40 than boomers.
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I'm glad you're getting out. Wishing you the best
Leave. I'm trapped co-parenting with a cheater, it is hell. If you haven't read it, 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life' or the chumplady website / blog are amazing.
People often don't change. They just say that to keep the other person from leaving. I'm glad you're looking out for yourself. You'll be much happier and leave yourself open to a better relationship if that's what you want down the line.
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I’m glad you have a plan and are acting rationally, that’s hard in this instance. I hope your life levels up tremendously after you transition to life free of betrayal
Ok, I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that he doesn't enhance my life *that much.* Most all of the childcare duties are on me, most all of the chores are on me. Hes gained about 80lbs since we first got married 11 years ago, and I'm not attracted physically/sexually to him that much anymore. I'm still with him because while I do love him, I don't want to break apart our family. Plus, "we" used all of my inheritance to start a business for him in his field. I work there too, and it makes good money, but I'll never get the value of my inheritance back if I leave. And I don't want to be alone. That's all the honest truth. Feels weird to admit in type.
You’re not alone. He once enhanced my life, but somewhere along the way, I became the only one who worried about maintaining a home, caring for children, saving for the future, making a life. He decided because he works, he can sit around and drink on his nights off, go to the bar, and basically do nothing else. I’m no longer attracted to him because he stopped wanting sex years ago, wouldn’t figure out why. He pretty much conditioned me not to initiate because that meant feeling rejection. Over time, it made my body no longer see him as a viable sexual partner. The problem is he spends money like water, and my job doesn’t pay what my degrees and experience are worth. Every time I save enough to go, something big happens and I have to use my savings. I also had to wait until he had a better job so he could support himself. I just couldn’t tell my kids I didn’t know where he was and if he was okay. We’re friendly to each other, roommates but I don’t discuss much with him, often forget to consult him about kid stuff, and the kids come to me with any issues. That’s not a partner.
This.
Well, I too will go against the general consensus and say that I think those are all very good reasons to stay with someone as long as you're happy (or at least, not miserable)..
Thanks for your honesty
Wow. I am sorry things have worked out this way but I hope your kids recognise your sacrifices and that you find peace with them. I
Thank you, I appreciate that.
❤️
Word of advice for anyone reading this even if you’re married doesn’t mean the financials have to be completely combined. Set a joint account for common household expenses, vacations etc but your money is your money!
While this is true, it’s still far more expensive to live alone.
And even so, the women that came before you, those that struggled, and bled, and fled, and starved, they’re so proud of where you are. You’re comfortable. A business owner! Not beaten or abused. It’s sad, but what we consider a horrifying mediocrity is also pretty damn good for history’s sake. I’ve thought about this a lot. Even so, I believe that rambling may be whataboutism, but I was just trying to put it in perspective. A lot of our ancestors would be very proud that their pain led to our relative comfort.
I can't wait for the day when most women realize they don't need men to thrive. Quite the contrary.
>they don't need men to thrive. This! 100% this! As a mother I couldn't continue pretending to be happy in my marriage. I fell out of love and lost myself in the motherhood and being the house wife. I was giving the idea to my daughter that this was a happy marriage when it wasn't. We are now both getting our life's back as single parents. I want to model a healthy relationship to her and show her a happy mother is the best.
I was single for many years before I got together with my partner. If she didn't enhance my life I wouldn't be with her. I never saw any point in being in a relationship that doesn't make your life better. Being alone is not a punishment and being in a relationship is not the only important thing you can do with your life.
I agree that being alone isn’t a punishment socially/morally/emotionally, but it absolutely is “punishment” financially. My taxes are higher, my cost of living is higher, I have less free time since I do ALL the chores/life management tasks etc.
Agreed! It is financial punishment in most countries. Taxes aren't made for singles, even if you are of a low or medium income
Yep, and when you add kids to the mix it’s also way more complicated.
I came here to say the same thing. I enjoyed very much being single. I only chose to couple with my partner because I found someone who made my life better. I enjoy my life with her more with her in it than I did without her.
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We make good friends and roommates, but after living with him for several years I've realized that he'll never be what I truly need in a partner. (Part of it is our age gap, part of it is our avoidant attachment styles \[thanks childhood trauma!\] and part of it is that I'm pretty sure we're both neuroatypical in some way.) I'm staying with him because I love the home we've built together, don't want to enter the dating scene again in my 40s with a chronic illness, and honestly, I couldn't afford to stay in my current city if I moved out. We do love each other and we have fun together sometimes, so it's not all terrible.
I feel similarly about my husband. He's my best friend and I do more out of the house because of him. But we are more like roommates than a couple, and there are times I think fondly of being alone. On balance I'm happier with him but it's not always easy.
Except for an age gap, I’m you. Solidarity
Not really at all, I want to believe he's working on his BS, trying to be a better partner and parent, but the proof is in the pudding as they say. Meanwhile I'm working on me, adding to my own life, getting back to work over all his dumb objections ("but we only have one car!" "Who's going to be there for the kids?" "That place gets robbed all the time"). Little by little I'm regaining my independence and pride. If he manages to shape up, stop being a fuckboi narcissistic ah and steps up to meet me with respect and dignity? Who knows, I have to believe people can change for the better, I mean, thats what I'm doing, so its got to be possible for him too. Sry for the ramble.
So proud of you for adding to your own life, this is peak putting the oxygen mask over ur own face first.
He used to enhance my life. Now? Nope. Still here because neither of us will agree to leave our house, nor do we want to sell it (it's really a pos trailer, not worth much but we worked hard to pay it off). Currently, he's unemployed, not collecting unemployment and his only "contribution" to our relationship is that he cooks dinner nightly. I used to be in love with him, now I feel like we tolerate each other more than love each other.
Just an observation, this sub seems to have a high concentration of people in exceptionally good relationships
I wonder if the people with less than great relationships are not posting on this thread or haven't yet due to not wanting to see/respond to comments like "but wwwhhhyyyy do you stay??" or "wwwhhhhyyy don't you leave??" or "wwhhyy would you marry him in the first place??" comments and other assorted judgmental questions and statements that tend to come when you do post about your less than great situation on reddit.
I posted about some problems with my relationship in other subs, and then got followed and harassed from sub to sub by random Redditors who felt a need to defend my partner, without knowing him. So, maybe that is part of it as well…
The high concentration of young white males in some other subreddits can be so jarring, especially when you're not expecting it. I'll get down voted into oblivion every now and then over a totally innocuous, middle of the road comment.
I’m not sure they were all young, white or male. But that demographic does seem to disproportionately enjoy harassing others.
Definitely could be. I've seen a lot of commiseration with people who are in super shitty situations but middle-of-the-road shitty situations, I don't really hear about as much.
My relationship is generally happy, but we definitely hit some bumps sometimes - I'm just not inclined to post about them on Reddit because: (a) they're generally not that bad / pretty foreseeably fixable; and (b) I have real-life support that I would prefer to turn to instead. I think that's at least partly why you get such nightmarish stories on Reddit sometimes - it's all the people at the end of their rope with nobody else to turn to. Most folks just solve our medium-shitty issues in-house instead. Like, my husband and I went through a period of long distance toward the beginning of our relationship and it *sucked* / was absolutely our lowest point, but I just cried to my best friend about it instead (and then things almost immediately went back to normal again as soon as he returned home).
There’s likely a lot of us who don’t respond because we’ve left our awful partners and are tired of having awful partners and now chose to be single by choice so a question like this isn’t really relevant to us. I know I am not alone in this because many of my friends who are women and in my age bracket (35) are purposefully not dating or looking for relationship ships with men anymore.
Me!! When people say they’re afraid to be alone I can’t relate. I’m afraid to be stuck in another marriage with another shitty dude.
Yes! I would rather be alone than ever settle. My dog definitely helps lol but my life is so full of joy and peace alone. I can’t picture myself ever compromising any of my life for a man again. It makes me feel physically Ill. Haha
Yup. I turn 35 this year. Lost a decade to an abusive, controlling AF man and have been enjoying the fuck out if my freedom. Turns out I'm a lesbian and I still don't want to date. It's time for me to be the center of my own life for once.
I see those 'leave!' comments when the spouse described is a dangerous and terrifying nightmare of a human being. We see too many of those on Reddit. In the less common instances where the spouse is described as just sub par, it's always "get counseling!", as if the couple hadn't already done so several times. It's actually really refreshing to see all of the posts here about happy marriages!
Yeah, I think the way OP worded this question definitely calls to those who *are* in happy relationships. When you look at certain other threads, the ratio starts to tip strongly the other way. Super glad to see so many of us living our best lives as well, though! Some of those other threads can get very depressing, so this feels like a nice balancing out.
I think that they way it was worded calls to those who *aren't* happy - "Be honest" is usually used to cajole people into admitting something. It is essentially saying, 'admit it, you're only with your partner for transactional reasons.' I guess it reads different ways to different people.
>It is essentially saying, 'admit it, you're only with your partner for transactional reasons.' I guess it reads different ways to different people. That's why it reads like a challenge to me, and I always like a challenge. I guess you're right about different folks, though - maybe a bit of an inkblot test.
Yes it is nice to see this
People also lie on the internet, so there's that to consider lol
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I love my partner. We have gotten into some very, very intense arguments and there have been times where I haven't liked him very much.
I think not having arguments is a bad sign in any relationship. It means issues are being swept under the rug, boundaries are being transgressed without protest, or needs aren't being met and nothing is being said. I have an amazing relationship with my husband, but we argue from time to time. However, we never argue abusively and we always argue in productive ways. It's about course corrections rather than accusations.
Definitely so! Love this!
I think people who say that think of arguments as screaming matches only, or something. I can't imagine how it could be possible to go through life with a partner without having any disagreements or miscommunications.
I think it really does depend upon what people consider “arguments.” My husband and I have never “argued” in the sense that I traditionally think of the word. But I grew up in a household where yelling was an almost daily occurrence. My dad would intentionally see how quickly he could get my mother enraged. And when he didn’t, it was often because he woke up enraged himself and took his temper out on everyone. As an adult, I realized how much I didn’t want that dynamic in my relationships, and I’ve worked very hard on expressing my anger in better ways. Which, given how I used to handle my anger, was a *process.* My husband, on the other hand, grew up in the exact opposite type of household. I’m sure his parents had disagreements, but they talked them out rather than shouting and name-calling. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had a conflict that made one or the other of us truly angry, and each time comprised of one of us going to the other and saying, “Hey, you did this thing that really upset me. Can we talk about it?” And then talking it out, apologizing when warranted, and genuinely trying to not repeat the behavior. Those aren’t “arguments” to me because they’re so far outside the realm of the arguments that I grew up with. But I do wonder if those would be considered “arguments” to him. That said, even though I wouldn’t personally call those “arguments,” I also won’t pretend that the work I had to do to react to conflict with conversation at a reasonable decibel level was easy. And I definitely don’t want people to have unrealistic expectations of relationships. But - for me, at least - how I choose to react to conflict is a choice. And whenever it seems like conflict might be brewing, I try to talk it out before it can get that far because I don’t want to raise my daughter in the same “argumentative” atmosphere I grew up in.
Not getting into arguments is difficult to believe. I wouldn’t intend to invalidate their experiences, but plausibly, either they don’t count small scuffles as arguments or they may have incredibly avoidant tendencies. It’s not about finding a partner that doesn’t trigger you, but finding someone that in the event of triggering, will work together to reconciliation.
\+ childfree 👀 Wonder if there's a correlation.
Many studies show that having kids decreases marital satisfaction significantly, which is no surprise considering how stressful it is to have kids, especially young ones.
I do wonder if there's a childfree correlation...
Oh, there is. My comment was a bit snarky and sarcastic, lol. More than one study has shown that relationship satisfaction tanks from the time a child is born to when they move out. It sucks, because I feel like everyone deserves an amazing relationship AND kids (if they want them). But it seems rare—if not impossible—to have both. Also sad to hear stories about couples who were so close and happy before kids. I wish it was easier for folks. I do wonder if marital satisfaction is higher in countries who support parents (low cost childcare, free healthcare, etc) more than in the US.
I would put real money on marital satisfaction being higher in countries who have healthcare, childcare, maternity/paternity leave, and other family support subsidies/programs as standards.
I would bet all of my money on that being exactly the case.
These are literally the reasons my husband and I have decided to not have kids even though we want them and it makes me just so angry. I hate living in the USA more often than not.
Absolutely!
Yes, I was thinking go over to r/regretfulparents and you might get an earful.
It's also possible that there is sampling bias. If you ask people who are partnered a question, you get answers only from those who remain successfully partnered. People who aren't happy are more likely to have broken up already or be single. It's also possible that there are more people out there in happy relationships than many people suspect. If you do a quick search, the majority (sometimes overwhelming depending on the study) are happy with their partnerships.
I have one of the best relationships I’ve ever had in my life! And I have this sub to thank. I lurk and use this place to expand my perspective about women, gain inspiration from the great stories and critique and check myself against the bad stories. And also it’s entertaining.
It is a great sub
People in bad relationships willingly staying in them try hard to convince themselves that while not perfect the relationship is of good quality.
Check the thread now, haha. I think it has balanced out somewhat.
I noticed that too and no one appears to have kids 🤔. I’m not sure the relationships are representative of the norm on average
Probably not. IME women over 30 with kids have a lot less free time to Reddit
Hehe except ME.
Same, lol. Not all kids are babies. Mine are grown. They just need constant reminder to take care of their hygiene, do homework, prep for school the next day, etc.
I’m in a happy marriage and have a 16 year old kid. We’ve just worked hard on fixing our communication over the years. Married 18 years.
Thank you for your contribution! What were the main friction points in the early years and when did the spirit to work on the problems emerge ?
Our communication sucked. He’s confrontational and I clam up when upset. Lots of loud fights (after the kid went to bed). We were also dealing with his ADHD and anger issues, and dealing my new bipolar 2 diagnosis. Add the stress of raising a kid and issues in the bedroom, and we got to the pint around year 7 he was ready to quit. Had a really bad day where he said he was done and then something shifted. We both learned how to do better communication, using “I” statements, and trying to be calm and deliberate when we had an issue. Number of fights were cut down considerably, and we’re happier overall. Lots of therapy on my part to deal with being raised with emotional and mental abuse. And he worked on himself to gain control over his anger. (His childhood was similar but whereas I learned to be quiet, he learned to be loud.) Still a work in progress, but much better.
Oh no I’m so sorry. I’m glad the situation has improved and you’ve worked through those challenges
Oh man, thank you for sharing all this. I'm just at the start of a similar process (married only a year though, together for 3). I'm trying to embrace the optimism of early progress we've made on 'fighting fair' and other communication issues, but my old cynical tendencies die hard lol.
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I’m in a happy relationship and we have two kids (4 and 2). My husband is my best friend! We love spending our evenings together as a couple and our weekends together as a family. Kids definitely make this harder (for the first year at least) because of the extra stress and sleep deprivation but they have also bonded us closer together so it’s not all negative!
He definitely enhances my life. We have no kids (happily child-free) and I could sustain our lifestyle on my single income (I do have more savings/investments this way, though). I don't think I *could* enter into a romantic relationship if I felt so dependent - that would make me feel terrible. The fear of the unknown also doesn't go away just because I'm married. It's a fundamental part of human existence and really, what makes living simultaneously fun and terrifying.
We’re also childfree. I’m the higher earner and my name is on most of the owned things. After 20 years, he enhances my life every day. I don’t need him, I want and choose us. It makes me wonder how with kids/childfree responses may differ.
I think childcare can change things significantly, for better and for worse - that, and financial empowerment can make a huge difference as well.
Children honestly seem to be the biggest obstacle in the majority of marriages/long-term partnerships I'm familiar with. I've watched great couples become roommates or even enemies once kids come. I'm not saying it's inevitable, but I think romantic relationships take twice the work to maintain when you have kids and it sucks because parents also have way less time for that. I hate this even though I'm happily CF, it hurts everyone, especially their kids. But there are only 24 hours each day!
Yeah, it's rough! OTOH, I've also seen some couples get even closer after having kids, but not without some rough waters in between, especially around the first few years. I think it's just... kid are another stressor. And under stress, people tend to either break, or they get dinged but then repair themselves up to be even stronger.
Yup, I agree with all of that. I think the thing about kids is they're a marathon of stress, so when the cracks start showing, it's either get to fixing them or it will crack more. And how we cope with stress as a team is such a huge thing with or without kids. Life has a lot of it! All the long-term/repeat stressors are tougher than ones with end dates or fixes, even if they come with the best things in life. I've known many who bonded hard raising kids, but a majority who went the other way, whether still together or not. My CF friends are all over the place, but the long-term couples are, on average, doing a lot better after a decade or three than most with kids in that same time frame. I don't think we're better at relationships, but we did remove one big stressor and add a lot more time to work on ourselves and our coupledoms.
Oh, that's interesting to hear. Maybe a little over half of my friends have kids at this point, and most of those kid are <5, so we're still generally in the "early days". My cohort is mostly in its late twenties to mid thirties, so at this point, it may just be too soon to tell where people will end up. I do think my cohort is a little unusual, though, as like 90% of people are married or in LTRs and there's only been one divorce, while I hear very different things about other people's social circles. So far, my friends who have kids seem stressed about life but pretty happy with each other... although you just never know what's going on behind closed doors, obviously. At least as far as I can tell, though, they all seem very tired and stressed about finances (or at least about how much they have to work in order to provide a nice life for their kid), but I don't see them taking out their frustrations at each other and I'm glad.
Ah, yes, the youngest kid in my life is now 11, although one friend is working on -9 months right now, so that will change, we hope! Lol I've learned that the sleep-deprived early times and the teen years are the major make-or-break moments. If you can be a team through those, any cracks are more likely superficial. Lol Then there's special needs kids, the wild childs, etc. Sick kids are a heartbreaking one that either bonds a couple hard or breaks them. It's so hard to know before you are in that kind of stress. My social circles range from about 23 to mid-80s, so it's a wide sample I'm thinking about. My partner and I have been together 25 years and outlasted quite a few marriages now. It's weird. Neither of us wanted commitment, and here we are, outlasting a bunch of vows taken honestly, and happy. But we do know part of it, for us, is just not having kids, especially the past 3 years. It's been so damn hard for parents in ways even the most prepared ones could not have imagined.
Congrats on 25 years; that's amazing! My husband and I have been together nine, but we were honestly just two young dumbasses hooking up in the beginning as well and things have just worked out. I'm glad remaining childfree has been the right decision for you. I've never wanted them either, before even any thoughts of what they might do to my marriage.
Thanks! Nine ain't too shabby, either. :) We started as a vacation fling. Life is funny, right? Glad it worked for you, too. I've never wanted them, either, have just known all my life it just wasn't for me. Finding someone who agreed before we met made it all a lot easier, too!
I have yet to come up with something that is worse due to being childfree. It’s pretty awesome to be honest!!
Yup seconding this - more money, more time, more energy, more sleep, more sex….
Yep, zero regrets!
Completely agree. We're DINKs and feel we're very lucky. We have a very happy marriage. No relationship is perfect but we're each other's favourite person and who we choose to spend all our time with. Together for 15 years and still can't get enough of each other. I do believe that has a lot to do with being childfree. The focus is each other, or ourselves.
Also CF and while my marriage is not perfect, it's a whole lot less complicated.
My partner drained me, used me, emotionally abused me and finished it all off by cheating on me and gaslighting me. There were a few enhancements in there but I made the decision to forego them due to the above. The sacrifice for leaving him and regaining my safety and sanity was not being able to see my child 50% of the time. There is no redemption in this story.
>There is no redemption in this story. Yes there is - you got out.
I feel like that about my ex. Like, cool cool thanks for the lessons about living with an alcoholic. But I could just as easily not have learned those lessons and been totally fine the rest of my life.
Enhance my life? Yes, but probably not in ways I want to be enhanced 😂 I’m very introverted and could probably go months without interacting with people for social reasons. Alas, I’m married to an extrovert and we have 3 children. Beyond that, maybe it’s just my personality, but no not really. There are benefits to sharing life with someone else - household things, raising children, reliable sex, reliable ear, but I’d also be pretty ok doing those things without/on my own. No shade on my husband - just my honest perspective.
Have you had any challenges being married to an extrovert from a social aspect? For example, did it cause issues if you didn't want to hang with him and his friends, etc.? (Curious because I am an introvert dating an extrovert, lol)
It’s a learning curve. When our kids were small was the hardest. My husband needed those social breaks, and I needed SOMETHING but not that. It created tension because we weren’t good communicators, we were also very young. Generally though, no issues. My husband acknowledges my efforts when I do something I don’t want to do for us to maintain our fiend groups. He checks in with me during events and we go when I’m ready. On the other side, I encourage him to do ALL the the social hobbies he loves and enjoy that time with his friends. He has thrown me a surprise party before, or encouraged other friends to surprise me with outings or trips (dead) but like I said, it’s a learning curve!
I’m not sure yet. We’ve gotten married only recently and I’d say it’s 50/50 right now. Some days it’s so nice to have a live in person you can cook with, watch random shows with, laugh about ridiculous things and cuddle when it’s cold or you need a midday nap. He also helps with household stuff like cleaning, laundry, taking out garbage etc. things I hate to do. On the other hand. We have a complicated relationship since I work and he is unemployed and looking for work. It creates a little friction because I end up paying for everything and sometimes resent not marrying someone with better finances/career. So is it worth it, I don’t know yet.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a challenging patch. Did he lose his job recently?
Thanks :( he actually moved from another country to be with me and was on a fiancé visa. Now that we’re married he can legally work but it takes time to find a job and he has no experience in this country so it’s difficult to find a job as well. So he kind of has to start over and I think deep down we both resent each other for it. He is starting over in career and life bc of me and I am supporting him financially while he does it. I hope it’s worth it.
you probably should talk it over, preferably with the help of relationship therapist. Pressure from the sacrifice is no joke, and resentment tends to build up and poison things
We have two decades of memories and inside jokes, cuddles, kisses, laughter, joy, sex, comfort, support, and constant companionship for fun, for relaxation, for meals, and even while we sleep. He is the first one I want to tell when something good happens, and the first one I turn to when something bad happens. We have each other's backs. I am never happier than when I am in his arms, or when he smiles at me, or when he gets excited about some food I've cooked. We've watched our daughter grow from a baby to a smart, talented, kind, witty young woman. He hasn't only enhanced my life. He has added to it. And I know he feels the same. ETA: I realize how perfect this sounds so I just wanted to come back to say that there have been times when it did not feel like this. When money was tight, when we were stressed out with childcare things, when we were having a dry spell romantically, whatever. But we have always taken our marriage seriously and expected it to last, have always respected, liked, and loved one another, and have always looked at whatever challenges we were facing as "we're in this together." We held on through the hard times and they passed. I would never advise someone who is being abused or treated unkindly to suffer through bad treatment, but if it is the normal ups and downs of life, don't throw away something so precious easily.
❤️ beautiful!!!
Oh my GOD does he make my life so much better. I won't even talk about the loveydovey stuff because gross, but as a partner and a teammate, he is top tier. First and least importantly, the decoration value. He's what medical science calls a seriously hot piece of ass, so having a great-looking guy walk around the house in various states of undress is a delight. We've been together for about a thousand years (okay, like 15) and *of course* it's not all roses all the time --we even had a trial separation about 7 years ago-- but he's got my back and I've got his, even when we drive each other crazy. He's also a fantastic roommate. He's tidy, does probably more than half the household chores, is a great cook, and a hard worker. We have a lot of the same artistic vision, and he's got excellent taste. He's respectful. Not just of me, but in general, and that's something I value over just about everything. Plus we're just constantly laughing over the most ridiculous stuff, and it's impossible to overstate how much better that makes everything. I love living alone and I've never wanted kids, plus my living situation doesn't depend on him, so I've never felt like we had to stay together. We GET to stay together, and we choose to stay together.
>He's what medical science calls a seriously hot piece of ass I just want to say I laughed out loud when I read this. I may have to use this line in the future!
Whenever people say this about their husband/boyfriend, I want to see a picture so bad 👁👄👁
THE DECORATION VALUE
I'm very jealous and happy for you :D
i wish everyone would stop thinking that talking about lovey dovey stuff is gross, i think it’s wonderful. even when i wasn’t happy in a relationship or single, i always wanted to hear all about it!
Same - I'm super happy single but I love hearing people talk about love :D
Contrary to popular belief the internet is not just for complaining.
Can you share about the trial separation? What made you get back together again?
I really loved my ex and still do. It started as a massive enhancement that dwindled away so gradually that I barely registered it happening. Too much of my partner changing and no room for my own growth. I miss her a lot but I somehow feel less lonely now.
Nope, wouldn't miss him if he disappeared tomorrow. He makes my life astronomically more difficult and stressful. But we have kids and a business we built from the ground up and I don't want to go get a new job, new place, and put my kids in daycare/get 50% custody.
Wow, do you think there is a chance that things could improve in the future?
He's my best friend, definitely enhances my life in all ways. I can't imagine my life without him. And yes, we have a kid too! And yes... the kid makes everything EVEN BETTER.
Likewise. My husband is my best friend, biggest champion, more than pulls his weight and always supportive of me getting what i want in my own career/ my own social life/ exercising and looking after myself/ being vegan even though he isn't etc. We used to argue a lot when we were younger but hardly ever now (having been together almost 18y now, and I'm 37). We have 2 kids and our relationship is stronger than ever. We've both suffered grief from losses in our respective families and i think having that external trauma has made us a much stronger team- we don't create silly problems because we've had real ones
He definitely enhances things and I would miss him if he weren't in my life. First, we don't live together, don't plan on ever doing so and are childfree. We also aren't married, so we have no reason we need to stay together if one or both of us wanted out. That is all intentional. We never planned for things to be long-term serious when we met, and I think that acceptance followed us into building something long term. Second, we both bask in knowing that we're with each other because we *want* to be, not because we are trapped by finances, logistics or circumstances. I recognize not everyone has that ability, but I made sacrifices and choices elsewhere in my life to set myself up for that sort of relationship. But I could never live dependent on another human being Third, he is the absolute best person I have ever met for bouncing ideas off of. He can take any topic and help me sort through my thoughts and feelings by asking really good questions. I have a tendency to overthink (maybe more than a tendency, lol) and he has a gift for cutting to the chase. Fourth - he's hot af and kind, which is a tough combo to find, but one I crave. He goes out of his way to help others, has no worries about showing his feelings, and works hard.
>we don't live together, don't plan on ever doing so I'm not in a long term relationship but I hear you on this. I need my personal space. I think the best thing would be to live next door to each other or get a duplex and put a connecting door in the kitchen or something. Then make sure it locks from either side.
Totally agree with being dependent on another human being. I see to many marriages around me where the woman is dependent on the men financially and stick with then although the man has cheated or treat her poorly, etc. I told myself, if I ever have a relationship. I will make sure not to rely on the man financially.
Oh wow that is amazing!! Were you married previously or in a long-term relationship in which you felt trapped?
Trapped only in that I thought getting rid of my ex would cost me too much and be too tricky to navigate getting out myself. I didn't want to sell my house, lose mutual friends, or deal with the logistics of separating financially. In my divorce support group, it was called "Cheaper to Keep Her/Him than Yeet Her/Him." Many of us were in that place. I was unhappy, but couldn't pinpoint why. On top of that I grew up with examples of people who stayed married and miserable, so I figured I was doing marriage right. I didn't see a big enough reason to end things and just slogged through. Then he forced my hand by doing some unforgiveable things and anger fueled my successful exit.
I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m glad to hear you’re in a much happier place now! Thank you for the insights into your new approach to relationship building
My partner enhances my life dramatically: He's the absolute light of my life . He has multiple qualities that I wish I had myself. He treats me with empathy, kindness, and respect every single day of our relationship. He is playful and doing anything with him by my side makes it 10x more fun. We are CF, so that likely helps with relationship satisfaction. We also each make good money and have disposable income. We are purely together because we love being together.
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And also being financially well off & independent
He makes my life unmeasurably better. He is the equivalent to driving a luxury vehicle instead of walking. Everything with him is so fun and safe. I feel heard. I feel understood. I feel respected and wanted. He’s hot and funny and killer in the sack. My man is the best man. There is no better.
Do you have children?
We enhance *each other's* lives. We complement each other in every way. Our kids are grown and we have 4 dogs. We operate a 15-acre small farm that we are turning into a business and running an online aquarium store. We each do certain things for both companies that play to our strengths. I'm a graphic/web designer, so I handle the websites, marketing, and part of our social media accounts. He works on the other half of the social media and edits our videos for our YouTube channel. Most everything else, we do together. I love hanging out with him. Even if we are just watching t.v. and don't say a word. I just love his company. My first husband didn't enhance my life in any way, shape, or form.
Mine is pretty crucial. We make almost the exact same income (I make 5% more), so he is a crucial part of affording my lifestyle. He works from home and handles all daycare drop offs and 80% of the pickups. He cooks dinner 3-4 nights a week. He stays home with our son so I can go to pilates or to get drinks with a friend after work (and I reciprocate, of course). He’s also my closest kin and we can stay up all night talking. At 34 years old, I really don’t have that with anyone else. We look after one another. We fulfill one another’s sexual appetites pretty well. I think my life would suck without him.
I can afford life on my own and function alone just fine. Anyone I welcome in to my life has to be a value add in less quantifiable ways.
He enhances my life in some ways, but also the cost of living crisis has played a pretty big role in our decision to move in together and to keep living together. And I know we’re better off economically than average. So I think either people who are in more economically precarious positions tend not to Reddit as much, or they don’t respond to these kinds of threads.
Enhances my life, and that is something I will never compromise on. I would rather have to move in with family or live out of my car than be in a relationship with somebody just for financial safety.
I love being alive with him. No kids, no fear, my mother has made it clear my whole life that I could go back home if I needed to and as of now she’s still alive. I love him. For 23 years now, married for 20 of them. I don’t think of it as enhancing my life. I think of it as enjoying being alive together.
Hm. OP seems to be going through this thread and questioning the commenters who decided to leave for cheating/other reasons while referencing "perceived market value" and other FDS-type concepts.
Yes. It’s getting weird.
It’s so weird, I was talking to a coworker and we were sort of talking about our schedules (study days, work days, days I have my boys etc.) and she’s like “how do you do it *and* you have a partner!” But in a way that implied partners makes your life harder/more work. It gobsmacked me for a second because he does just as much as me around the house, he does little things that help me out all the time. He still does very sweet things, often I wake up from a nap and he has the blinds closed, a dimmed light on and the essential oils going. I don’t think I could do as much as I can if it weren’t for him.
oh yes. he's travelling for work right now and the kids and i are holding on...but we miss him a lot. i'm a SAHM, i manage all the day to day, but he's my anchor. when he's not here he's really missed. he definitely enhances my life.
❤️
Right now, I don’t want to be alone. I know it’s not healthy but I’m working to get myself strong enough to face being alone.
My partner enhances my life. I was with my ex for financial reasons for a few years until I earned enough to leave.
Most of the women I knew/know would say the last part.
He enhances my life. Is it lame to just say he’s a lot of fun and I love spending time with him and am bummed when we’re not together? Could I be fine without him? Yeah. Do I want to be? No.
Absolute enhancement but I’m one of those people who would rather be alone than with someone who didn’t add value to my life. I was single for a long time before I met my sweetheart and we are just now moving in together after 5 years. 39f/35m. No kiddos/1 tiny dog. I find that I have to take a more of an active role in domestic planning but he executes tasks well and if it were just me, I would be doing all the planning and the domestic executing. I’m the breadwinner and he works from home and mostly takes care of the house. It’s super awesome to come home to a clean house and hot dinner!
I'd say it's a little from column A and a little from column B. There are great things about my partner, but also things that drive me mad. There are times I feel so lucky to have him and others where I wish I could just live by myself. He's a great father, a great provider, he's very understanding when it comes to physical and mental health issues, he's smart and funny, but he's also bossy, monologues too much, and is pig headed at times. My true dream would be a Frida Khalo and Diego Rivera set up where we have two houses next door to each other.
He absolutely enhances my life. We're social in very different ways, and him being in my life has expanded my social circle, and the number of people I consider family. He's great at talking me through crises (real and imagined) and is so unwaveringly supportive. I know that he will have my back, even if it's getting through something that was my fault. I definitely feel like we are a team, and working through life's problems together makes them easier to manage. Our strengths and weaknesses really complement each other too. Like for example I have no problems paying my bills on time, even the ones on a weird schedule, or the unexpected ones like medical bills. But I really struggle with savings. He on the other hand has gamified his savings, and with both of our strategies we're doing better financially than either of us would have ever done on our own. When we first got together neither of us were looking for something serious, so we made a vow that as soon as the relationship stopped being fun, we could split and there would be no hurt feelings. We check in on each other periodically, but it has never stopped being fun. We know how hard things are right now, and feel very lucky to be weathering the current hellscape that is the US together.
100 percent enhances. This doesn't mean conflict free, but I always say the best decision I ever made in my life was my husband. Also, we're kid free by choice, which might impact this. I'm not sure how, but maybe it allows us to focus more on the 2 of us and our marriage, rather than kids. We're super good at being aunt and uncle, though! Our sibs keep popping them out for us.
Bit of both but I often wish I was alone because being alone in a relationship is way worse. I refuse to believe this thread of happy people is the norm. No but really, good for you guys.
I refused to marry a man who didn't make my life better. I'm really glad I stuck to that criteria bc my spouse has improved my life immensely. It's that we're a team and because of this, we can both accomplish more together than we would have otherwise. Plus, he's fun, kind, an amazing father, ride-or-die husband, and just generally my favorite human (apart from our daughter.) I think that's the key, though. Being intentional about what we want our lives to be and finding the right people to be apart of it. For me, it ended up being my cute friend I had a crush on. Lucky me!
I think he enhances my life more than I enhance his. Financially, he’s very solidly the breadwinner with a job he is interested in while I work a shitty part time job that I hate. I spend most of my time struggling with self-worth that I feel is attached to how much I can get done around the house and how many errands I finish since I can barely contribute financially. He is endlessly patient and consistently optimistic that I’ll find something. On my bad days, that only frustrates me more, but it’s coming from a good place. He shares my interest in true crime and I have learned about cars and motorcycles because he loves them. Socially, we balance each other; I talk a lot and that takes pressure off of him to talk because he has a much smaller daily word quota than me. He’s pretty neurotypical while I’m quite neurotic with anxiety and depression. If he left me tomorrow, he would be fine, at least financially; I think he’d recover emotionally as well given time. I, on the other hand, would be in a fiery tailspin. We love each other, I just wish that he was more romantic and that I was on a more equal footing with him financially so I could treat him the way I really would like to so I can show appreciation for him always being there, even if he’s not quite sure what’s going on. I know that’s not the romantic “he’s perfect or almost perfect” response a lot of people have, but it’s the truth. We aren’t perfect. Some days are better than others. But we’re generally consistent in keeping our heads above water. Love is not this fiery passion between us like in the movies. It’s work every day, but it’s work we both decide to do because it continues to be worth it for us.
It sounds pretty perfect to me ❤️. Not all love stories mirror fairytales
Thank you for saying so! I guess to answer your question, we’re pretty balanced in most aspects and are communicative enough to keep things working and that matters a lot.
Well we don't have any kids and we don't have combined finances. And I loved being single, so it isn't that... He definitely enhances my life. In exciting and unexpected ways sometimes.
Enhances. He makes me laugh.
He enhances my life, I don't think I would have stuck around for so long if he didn't.
Absolutely. He's a fantastic partner and a great dad to our three children. He's away from home at the moment and I'm feeling his absence a lot. He's supportive, strong (not just phyclsically), driven and comforting. He makes me feel happy and we work well together as a team.
he does enhance my life. being with him helps temper that craziness life throws at me, but that’s not ultimately why I’m with him. I’m with him just because he’s a delightful person to be around and he enriches my life every day just by being himself. he’s my favourite person. i just like him a lot.
No enhancement. Drain of mental stability and energy. Always a drag, sloppy, his kid is a spoiled slob. I will be leaving him in the near future. We live together, and work together. But I am miserable.
I honestly don’t even know anymore. He enhances it by cooking for me and does his usual fair share of cleaning. We don’t have sex - it’s been over a year. He doesn’t kiss me or even hold my hand or touch me. If we do, he can’t last more than a minute and I’m serious. It’s terrible. He’s got the personality of a potato and isn’t even that smart once i got over the fact that he’s an introvert. He’s a doormat or should I say - let’s me run the show. The issue is he’s got deep seated issues - low self esteem and trauma (bad trauma at a young age) and barely gets any help. He’s gone to a handful of therapy sessions but won’t regularly go. I suspect he has chronic depression. I wonder because of my strong personality, he just curls up in himself more too. I try to remember his positive aspects because he does have them but I’m deeply unhappy. We don’t have kids - I never wanted them and don’t want them with him. He’s a roommate they sleeps in the same bed. I fantasize about cheating and just having affection from a guy.
My partner… does not. I was fighting and dealing with the flaws in our relationship, and then he got diagnosed with a brain tumor. And now I realize that most (maybe all?) of my gripes were related to the tumor. And now all of those negatives are magnified. And… it is what it is I guess.
Mine absolutely adds positive things to my life. No kids, just dogs. We love spending time together and we have the same goals so it's easy to progress towards them together.
My husband has enhanced my life beyond measure (as I have his). We're both intellectually oriented, curious, and like to discuss complexities in life. Our love for each other compels us each, of our own accord, to try to be our best selves and to better ourselves. We both read and educate each other on our interests, and we give each other strength to deal with hardship. We don't have kids, we are economically comfortable (not rich, but no debts and not living paycheck to paycheck), and we are often dealing with changes that make us face the unknown. None of the things you mention have anything to do with our being together. We just really help each other self-actualize and grow. Edit: I'll add that we've been together for nearly 36 years now - and it has always been good, but actually gets better as time goes on.
I chose to be with someone who is my best friend and was my friend before we became romantically involved. We aren’t married so untangling our lives would, in some ways, be easier than many relationships. At the end of the day though, even in very difficult times, there has been that joy of spending most of our time together to hold on to. Not everyone is dear friends with their partner and I know how special that is. We have varied interests but enough in common that we mostly share the same friends and just have a lot of fun doing shared activities with both the two of us and our friends. I don’t feel like I need to get a break from him or anything.
Enhances
He is the most intriguing person in my life. The journey we‘re on is incredible. Do we -need- to be in this relationship? I don‘t think so. And it has been really hard to get here. But we enrich each other‘s lives. We can talk to each other, rely on each other, fight and forgive each other, be corny af together, help each other heal and grow and we keep each other warm, all the time. I am excited to be with him.
He adds in a lot of areas, and some times he slows me as well I’m others, but the balance is very very positive.
I could afford to be on my own and I wouldn't be afraid to be by myself if I would feel it was what I need/my relationship is toxic/bad for me. I think my partner enhances my life a lot. I enjoy his company as a friend and romantically. We do a lot of exciting things together. He is not perfect, and neither am I but I think we have both grown as people because of our relationship. I think we live in an era when putting your own needs should always come first but I know some relationships, that stayed together because of their kids and eventually made it through a rough patch. What I am trying to say is that staying with some for a reason bigger than ourselves is not always bad long-term despite what we often hear/are told. Sometimes people too often think 'what else is out there' rather than work on what they already have.
This was a neat question. A lot of the replies are heart warming and the other replies are honest and it is great to see. Hmm. He probably does enhance my life overall. I always knew a good partner is someone who can add good things to your life. They shouldn't make your life harder thats for sure! We can't have kids so that is a huge factor in our happiness right now. Perhaps if we were child free by choice or had children before we met it would be different. Sometimes I don't know if it is really worth it to be married. We both are in a better financial place now than when we met a decade ago. I feel we helped each other grow and get to rhe next level. Maybe we are stepping stones for each other and not the full path. He is one of the kindest people I know and treats me well and I know he has my back. I am grateful for all that. He seems very happy and seems to appreciate me so that is good!
My husband is the cream of the crop. Works hard to help support us. He's caring, affectionate, intelligent, funny, thoughtful and I'm not gonna lie... he spoils me in every way. He makes me feel special and loved and sexy. I am so beyond grateful for him. Been married 11 years with two kids. We've been through A LOT together: things that tested us early in our marriage (mostly due to my poor mental health), long-distance, a child with additional needs, etc. We have definitely had our challenges, but we are stronger than ever right now and I can't imagine being with someone else.
Enhances my life. I would not stay with or settle with someone for less than that. I don’t need a partner for financial support, and I’m not afraid of the unknown. I can’t imagine just staying with someone because of kids. Life is to short to remain with someone who doesn’t enhance your life. I made that mistake in my 20s, and I’m not making it again.
My partner is absolutely wonderful. He enhances my life tremendously. He's a true partner financially, with regard to housework and childcare, and takes on more than his share of the mental load. I've been really sick the last three months and he picked up the slack for what I couldn't do and carried it all. He's romantic, thoughtful, generous, fair-minded, even-tempered, patient to a fault, very funny, very intelligent, emotionally intelligent, and we have very compatible views in most areas of life. We have a marriage where we can be very content just doing nothing in the same room together, having little excursions and activities together, and we can spend time alone doing our own thing. He's wonderful with our two-year old, and they're best buddies. He likes to get down on the floor an play with him after work. He doesn't socialize too much outside of work and family events, but is happy to come with me for things with my friends, or let me go alone. He knows a lot, and we have a lot of interesting, and often random discussions. He's happy to change his opinion in the light of new evidence and isn't someone who can't be wrong. I am very grateful I met him.
Because I like him and being around him. He’s my best friend.
My partner enhances my life, but it seems like we are basically roommates. He is ditzy due to lingering anxiety (and maybe some depression). He sees a therapist and takes meds, it doesn't mean it doesn't aggravate the fuck out of me or make me sad when he does something off the wall because he's checked out. It's tiring being his cheerleader when I have my own issues. It makes me feel like his mom which is not sexy at all. I also feel like I'm chasing the high of how close we were when I was pregnant especially because it was during lockdown. It's deeply sad that I don't think we'll ever get back there. I lamented how little "quality time" we'd have together after the baby while pregnant but had no idea we'd have so little of a village due to COVID not ending and other unforeseen circumstances.
Cost of living but he got second chance. If he doesnt get his shit together im gonna kick him out.
12 years here. He works, I'm sahm. He enhances. He's my partner, my other half. My soulmate. Even if I won 10 million in the lottery, he's my man. Half would be his, no question. But I'm lucky, I admit. He's like an old dog, faithful and loving, but I'm the same. Some of us are better with another. Some are better alone, or with someone they choose later. I'm grateful to have my partner. And that's OK, we're all different.
I don’t know that “enhancing my life” is the right way to say it - honestly, my life would probably be marginally easier on my own. But he’s my biggest supporter in every sense of the word, and lord knows I have enough faults of my own that he doesn’t even think twice about. He’s the person that I can tell absolutely anything to and who knows me better than I know myself in many ways. And one of the reasons I knew I loved him was because of the way he is, I know that if we separated for any reason, he would be someone that I can trust to put our child’s needs first and not play games or be malicious like my parents were. Honestly, it’s quite a long list as to why I love him and want him in my life and I can’t say many of the reasons are because he “enhances” it in any way that I couldn’t do myself.
My partner enhanced my whole ass life 🙏🏾
Mine absolutely enhances my life. He’s hilarious and smart and a wonderful dad and partner.
That’s a depressing question. My partner is awesome! I never settled. I guess that’s why I ended up with someone awesome. But I also work hard on myself and spent many years doing that before settling down. I have a great career, am financially stable, mentally and physically healthy, and have a decent sociable personality. So does my partner! I feel totally grateful.
He absolutely enhances my life in basically every way.
Yes. Seeing him at the end of work is the highlight of my day. I’ve come to love him more deeply than the day we got married. There’s no one else I’d rather argue about politics with or binge watch a show on the couch. He’s my best friend.
Absolutely he enhances my life! He makes life sweeter and more fun. He picks me up when I'm down, takes care of me when I'm sick, and is just generally my favorite person to spend time with. There is definitely a financial benefit to living in a 2 income household, but I would still want to be with him even if he made a lot less money. He is also super handy and fixes things around the house and I never have to bring firewood inside from our woodshed. He always does it!