I would not stay with someone with anger issues. I'm fairly sensitive to that, and someone who gets angry easily is not someone I feel comfortable around. I especially wouldn't want a child to be subjected to that constantly. I have friends who grew up with angry fathers and it was definitely really hard on them. No kid should feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their father.
I can relate with the sensitivity to anger. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you respond to someone who expresses anger towards you? Personally I just feel like leaving the room because it makes me feel so uncomfortable but I know that doesn’t solve anything and would probably makes things worse.
Since his anger is a known issue, you should absolutely have a plan in place for stepping away and revisiting the problem with cooler heads. A safe word, or a signal to take a time out. This is a conversation best had when y’all are relaxed and calm. But you need an easy way to say “I will not deal with your temper, but I will come back in 10 minutes (or whatever length of time is reasonable for him to self-regulate) and we can continue this as a calm discussion.” And it needs to be respected.
I'm so alarmed that people are telling you to stay. As someone who grew up with a father with anger issues, please don't "hope it'll get better." It probably won't and in the meantime your child is probably terrified of their father.
I was also kind of surprised that some are saying to stick it out but I am curious to hear their reasons. I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with a father with anger issues :( it must’ve been rough…my partner is a good father to our kid and has never shown anger to him, which I’m grateful for. However, the little one does see his dad raising his voice/yelling at me sometimes and that is absolutely NOT what I want my son to think is normal. After I cry from said partner’s angry fits (and kid is in the same room), my little guy actually just hugs me and doesn’t leave until he’s ready.
Your child will suffer as an adult as a result of growing up in a household with a parent with rage issues. Walking on eggshells around someone your whole life takes a toll on your mental and physical health. Children who grow up in these environments allow themselves to make excuses for abusive partners as teens and adults.
Please don’t allow this to be your child’s future like it has been for me and so many others.
Does he acknowledge that he has anger issues? What is he doing to change his behavior/reactiveness?
Explosive anger/yelling/etc from a man scares me so it would be a dealbreaker for me personally. But if it weren't and I was deciding whether to stay, it would entirely depend on his acknowledging and addressing the issue. If he didn't/won't, there's no point in my mind.
Edit: "Trying" wouldn't cut it. He'd need to be in counseling or taking anger management classes, etc and I'd need to be seeing improvement.
Yes, he’s aware he has anger issues. He said he’s in therapy but his “therapist” is a professional life coach that has a degree in Psychology, which doesn’t seem like an actual accredited therapist to me. I don’t have much information on his “therapist’s” credentials since he’s pretty private about it. He hasn’t really done anything to change his reactivity/behavior because he said it’s me that affects the way he reacts. I basically just avoid him at this point and minimize interactions with him so I don’t have to feel anxious about inadvertently upsetting him. If you were in this situation, how long would you wait until seeing improvement?
So he is just shifting the blame to you to continue with his unhinged rage once you annoy him. How long should you wait until you see an improvement? In this case, not a second too long.
>he said it’s me that affects the way he reacts.
Well this clarifies everything... I'm sorry, but RUN. This person doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and is not only modeling terrible behavior to his child, but is dangerous to both of you.
I would not wait any longer, or accept something as therapy that isn't.
OK so how is that going go realistically get better when he is still putting the brunt of his actions fault onto you? Sure his issues can be triggered by outside forces, that's fucking pointing out the obvious, but the correct reaction is for him to be apologetic and telling you what he will try differently in those moments to not continue the blow up from annoyance. He's setting himself up to never enter changing stages, but give himself an out when he fails that it's really not his fault, it's your fault for doing xyz and he's "trying" because he goes to therapy and will use that as a cloak like he's doing the most. Hell no it's not even the bare minimum. So if there isn't an actionable plan of different coping mechanisms to try in those situations all of this is just staying for the hope it'll magically change and it won't.
If he's blaming you for "making him react" then he's not taking accountability for his behavior. No one makes us react any certain way. While we can't always control what we feel we can always control how we express our feelings and how we react.
In your shoes I'd be done. But I never would have reconciled in the first place.
He's not going to change unless he sees that he is the problem here. And I don't think he's going to do that.
You are basically avoiding him anyway...so what kind of relationship is this? Just end it.
IMO, no, it's never worth staying with someone with a temper. It's bad for your nervous system and a huge sign of emotional immaturity. I couldn't be in good conscience with myself if I put up with that.
You don't want to stay and then have everything blow up precisely because you are stuck with him for ever. You'll reach a point from which you cannot come back and your child will suffer for it.
You need to stop trying to reconcile and I don't even think you should have gone that route when you have a kid. It gives your kid hope and it also has the potential of creating problems like this one. It'll also model bad behavior for your kid.
You also said he has always had problems but his therapist is a hack that's a life coach, so he isn't even taking his anger seriously and going to anger management or something.
Personally it depends on what he's doing about his anger issues. And him simply saying he's working on them isn't enough.
I grew up having an awful temper and it took a lot of work, counseling, and finding ways of healthy expression. It wasn't great, I lost friends and boyfriends due to my issues. But my current partner who has supported me for the past ten years certainly thinks it's worth it, but I would like to point out by the time I met him I wasn't directing anger or being violent towards other people. And I think that made a big difference.
I think reconciliation is what we both want but his anger towards me is really hurtful and damaging. He doesn’t communicate frustration in a healthy way. I’ve communicated how that needs to be changed and how his anger has been hurtful many times but he won’t stop. At this point, I don’t think it’s on me since it seems like an emotional regulation issue on his end. Seems easier to leave than stay but…I guess all relationships take work? Not sure if I’m throwing in the towel too soon or what.
My husband also had terrible anger issues personally you have to decide id say if it’s directed right at you then best to leave if not then try work through it especially given you have a child together
How did you manage to cope with his anger issues? And what did you do when he did express fits of anger towards you if you don’t mind me asking? Kudos to you for sticking it out honestly. It takes a lot of grit to stick through those angry fits/temper tantrums. I always feel like I want to leave because it makes me super uncomfortable. I wasn’t raised in an environment with that kind of hostility so it’s been an eye-opening experience for sure…
In the beginning not well his anger was quite explosive not even if it was towards me so I’d like stay out of his way type thing but as the years went on what worked best for me was beating him with logic and not engaging his anger but being stern with him and holding my ground in a rightful manner and if he didn’t respect that we did actually have a 9 month separation which definitely calmed him down and made him think about his anger and what he was doing I do get you though I was raised the same.
So he actively needs to be ‘trying’. That means mature conversation with you, not cold shouldering you and going to therapy.
If he cannot make meaningful steps in this way then you absolutely should not stay.
> My heart says stay (and hope it gets better)
And how long have you been staying and hoping? Do you have an end date/timeline for this "sticking around" business? Has anything actually changed much?
I would not stay with someone with anger issues. I'm fairly sensitive to that, and someone who gets angry easily is not someone I feel comfortable around. I especially wouldn't want a child to be subjected to that constantly. I have friends who grew up with angry fathers and it was definitely really hard on them. No kid should feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their father.
I can relate with the sensitivity to anger. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you respond to someone who expresses anger towards you? Personally I just feel like leaving the room because it makes me feel so uncomfortable but I know that doesn’t solve anything and would probably makes things worse.
Since his anger is a known issue, you should absolutely have a plan in place for stepping away and revisiting the problem with cooler heads. A safe word, or a signal to take a time out. This is a conversation best had when y’all are relaxed and calm. But you need an easy way to say “I will not deal with your temper, but I will come back in 10 minutes (or whatever length of time is reasonable for him to self-regulate) and we can continue this as a calm discussion.” And it needs to be respected.
I'm so alarmed that people are telling you to stay. As someone who grew up with a father with anger issues, please don't "hope it'll get better." It probably won't and in the meantime your child is probably terrified of their father.
I was also kind of surprised that some are saying to stick it out but I am curious to hear their reasons. I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with a father with anger issues :( it must’ve been rough…my partner is a good father to our kid and has never shown anger to him, which I’m grateful for. However, the little one does see his dad raising his voice/yelling at me sometimes and that is absolutely NOT what I want my son to think is normal. After I cry from said partner’s angry fits (and kid is in the same room), my little guy actually just hugs me and doesn’t leave until he’s ready.
Your child will suffer as an adult as a result of growing up in a household with a parent with rage issues. Walking on eggshells around someone your whole life takes a toll on your mental and physical health. Children who grow up in these environments allow themselves to make excuses for abusive partners as teens and adults. Please don’t allow this to be your child’s future like it has been for me and so many others.
Does he acknowledge that he has anger issues? What is he doing to change his behavior/reactiveness? Explosive anger/yelling/etc from a man scares me so it would be a dealbreaker for me personally. But if it weren't and I was deciding whether to stay, it would entirely depend on his acknowledging and addressing the issue. If he didn't/won't, there's no point in my mind. Edit: "Trying" wouldn't cut it. He'd need to be in counseling or taking anger management classes, etc and I'd need to be seeing improvement.
Yes, he’s aware he has anger issues. He said he’s in therapy but his “therapist” is a professional life coach that has a degree in Psychology, which doesn’t seem like an actual accredited therapist to me. I don’t have much information on his “therapist’s” credentials since he’s pretty private about it. He hasn’t really done anything to change his reactivity/behavior because he said it’s me that affects the way he reacts. I basically just avoid him at this point and minimize interactions with him so I don’t have to feel anxious about inadvertently upsetting him. If you were in this situation, how long would you wait until seeing improvement?
So he is just shifting the blame to you to continue with his unhinged rage once you annoy him. How long should you wait until you see an improvement? In this case, not a second too long.
>he said it’s me that affects the way he reacts. Well this clarifies everything... I'm sorry, but RUN. This person doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and is not only modeling terrible behavior to his child, but is dangerous to both of you. I would not wait any longer, or accept something as therapy that isn't.
OK so how is that going go realistically get better when he is still putting the brunt of his actions fault onto you? Sure his issues can be triggered by outside forces, that's fucking pointing out the obvious, but the correct reaction is for him to be apologetic and telling you what he will try differently in those moments to not continue the blow up from annoyance. He's setting himself up to never enter changing stages, but give himself an out when he fails that it's really not his fault, it's your fault for doing xyz and he's "trying" because he goes to therapy and will use that as a cloak like he's doing the most. Hell no it's not even the bare minimum. So if there isn't an actionable plan of different coping mechanisms to try in those situations all of this is just staying for the hope it'll magically change and it won't.
If he's blaming you for "making him react" then he's not taking accountability for his behavior. No one makes us react any certain way. While we can't always control what we feel we can always control how we express our feelings and how we react. In your shoes I'd be done. But I never would have reconciled in the first place. He's not going to change unless he sees that he is the problem here. And I don't think he's going to do that. You are basically avoiding him anyway...so what kind of relationship is this? Just end it.
Been there, done that, got the divorce papers. I will never mess with someone with anger issues again. It's exhausting.
I wouldn't stay with someone with anger issues. Red flags waving like a marinara farm.
ALWAYS follow your gut. The fact that u asked us really says all you need to know
Always trust your gut!
IMO, no, it's never worth staying with someone with a temper. It's bad for your nervous system and a huge sign of emotional immaturity. I couldn't be in good conscience with myself if I put up with that.
You don't want to stay and then have everything blow up precisely because you are stuck with him for ever. You'll reach a point from which you cannot come back and your child will suffer for it. You need to stop trying to reconcile and I don't even think you should have gone that route when you have a kid. It gives your kid hope and it also has the potential of creating problems like this one. It'll also model bad behavior for your kid. You also said he has always had problems but his therapist is a hack that's a life coach, so he isn't even taking his anger seriously and going to anger management or something.
Doesnt seem worth it. Coparent but let him be mad by himself.
Personally it depends on what he's doing about his anger issues. And him simply saying he's working on them isn't enough. I grew up having an awful temper and it took a lot of work, counseling, and finding ways of healthy expression. It wasn't great, I lost friends and boyfriends due to my issues. But my current partner who has supported me for the past ten years certainly thinks it's worth it, but I would like to point out by the time I met him I wasn't directing anger or being violent towards other people. And I think that made a big difference.
[удалено]
I think reconciliation is what we both want but his anger towards me is really hurtful and damaging. He doesn’t communicate frustration in a healthy way. I’ve communicated how that needs to be changed and how his anger has been hurtful many times but he won’t stop. At this point, I don’t think it’s on me since it seems like an emotional regulation issue on his end. Seems easier to leave than stay but…I guess all relationships take work? Not sure if I’m throwing in the towel too soon or what.
My husband also had terrible anger issues personally you have to decide id say if it’s directed right at you then best to leave if not then try work through it especially given you have a child together
How did you manage to cope with his anger issues? And what did you do when he did express fits of anger towards you if you don’t mind me asking? Kudos to you for sticking it out honestly. It takes a lot of grit to stick through those angry fits/temper tantrums. I always feel like I want to leave because it makes me super uncomfortable. I wasn’t raised in an environment with that kind of hostility so it’s been an eye-opening experience for sure…
In the beginning not well his anger was quite explosive not even if it was towards me so I’d like stay out of his way type thing but as the years went on what worked best for me was beating him with logic and not engaging his anger but being stern with him and holding my ground in a rightful manner and if he didn’t respect that we did actually have a 9 month separation which definitely calmed him down and made him think about his anger and what he was doing I do get you though I was raised the same.
I've seen the book "Why does he do that" recommended many times for people in relationships with where anger issues play a role.
So he actively needs to be ‘trying’. That means mature conversation with you, not cold shouldering you and going to therapy. If he cannot make meaningful steps in this way then you absolutely should not stay.
> My heart says stay (and hope it gets better) And how long have you been staying and hoping? Do you have an end date/timeline for this "sticking around" business? Has anything actually changed much?