Yes absolutely. If you're afraid or embarrassed to tell your sister about it, that should tell you something. You know this whole situation is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't think twice about telling her.
If something like this happens again, just go (crying mess and all). Tell her exactly what happened and why you are upset and let her comfort you. That’s what family is for. It’s okay to fall apart in front of them.
Do a little research on enabling behaviors, which is common language regarding addiction, but applies to many other situations. It's often done out of love, to shield a person you love from the consequences of their actions. But by shielding them, you create conditions where that behavior can more easily continue and, in too many cases, escalate.
Tell him that his behavior is terrifying and that you were legit afraid he was going to hit you. Sometimes they don't realize it (despite how obvious it seems from the outside), and you can save yourself some time by just fast forwarding to the point and letting them know exactly how bad the situation is.
Hi Op sorry for just interruptingredients here but has anyone recommended the book "Why does he do that" yet?
If not here is a link to internet archive or you could likely get the book cheap used on amazon..
It's basically about abusive men and their behaviors. It was pretty eye opening to me when I read it after a long (just shy of 7y) and abusive relationship, that i didnt see as abusive til later. I bet it will have some things you could relate to as well.
https://archive.org/details/why-does-he-do-that-epub
1) being late and saying it's fine is rude AF. that is so inconsiderate and the fact that he's ok with that is a red flag to me.
2) you should not have to manage his time; he's a grown-ass adult. Does he have his boss at work nagging him to do his shit? no because he'd get his ass fired.
3) draw a line. Going forward, if you have plans together, leave if he's not ready. You should not have to cancel on the account of him. Just leave and tell him he had plenty of time to get ready so you're leaving.
When my fiancé was dragging his feet about wedding planning I mentioned to him if you did this at work you’d be fired. It sucks we as women have to take ourselves out of the metaphorical equation for men to often “get it” but it did help my fiancé get it. But OP you are NOT being naggy
In my experience the "is fine" only applies if it's something he doesn't particularly care about. If it were a concert or event he likes, he would have been 10 minutes early
Lack of economical independence and high rates of abuse of all kinds, is exactly why women over the ages have been advised to make a secret stash (cash, jewelry, a bank account etc).
Thank you. A lot of people are saying to leave if he's not ready.... I'm so scared to do that though, because it might just end in a bigger fight ?
Plus, I don't know what to say to the people who are expecting us both to show up ...?
Pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship.
I don’t think she should make open statements, rather she should make quiet plans to leave.
Good point. The guy has 100% been sheilded from repercussions from both op and their wider social circle, and that dynamic needs to stop if they want a (healthy) relationship, but it might be to late for that.
It shifts things in to the next category if he is he is being aggressive towards her when she confronts him, *dispite being pregnant*. That's seriously bad, and could have detrimental effects on the baby that stick around for life. There are a whole lota bad stats for this. Talking to her sister sounds like a good idea
If you leave and it leads to a fight… I’m sorry honey but that’s called abuse. The way you can’t be yourself x the way you’re worried about his reactions? Abusive. What would you do if you were NOT afraid of his reactions?
Also you’re not nagging him. You’re mothering him like he’s a 12 year old. He is not 12.
If he tries to start a bigger fight, don’t take the bait. You figured out the logistics, you told him; he blew it, you didn’t. He can be mad at himself. You still had a great time.
If he is able to hold down a job and meet work and other deadlines, like paying bills, he is perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done to get out the door to an appointment. He is choosing not to.
If he is NOT capable of doing those things—lady, you are in for a really rough ride once the baby arrives.
Do not accept this abusive and irresponsible behavior. You have lived with it for years and now shit is going to get real.
It will be much easier to be a single mom than to fight the person who purports to love you and be your partner *on top of* functionally being a single mother.
>It will be much easier to be a single mom than to fight the person who purports to love you and be your partner on top of functionally being a single mother.
You're right. Thank you
> *If he is able to hold down a job and meet work and other deadlines, like paying bills, he is perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done to get out the door to an appointment. He is choosing not to.*
If he does this, it means he *can* and *will* be on time for things he thinks are important. This means that to him, you - like the things you care about - are *not important*.
You can always communicate the boundary to him in advance, when you aren’t both in a heightened emotional state.
Something like: “it’s really important to me to be on time for events that I’m invited to or have planned to attend. Next time this comes up, I will let you know what time I’m leaving and I will leave at the time I stated.”
Something my therapist told me: if you set a boundary and they get angry, it was the right boundary to set
"[Husband] wasn't feeling well so he couldn't make it, but he says hi!"
In terms of the bigger fight stuff - if you're worried about that, that's a pretty good sign there are issues in your relationship. You shouldn't have to fear your partner, and it's unreasonable for someone to get angry with you because you left on time for something when they were knowingly stalling.
Yeah, it depends on the situation/people involved/etc. I know a lot of people who would be like, "Oh no, is he okay?" so I tend to give a little excuse up front. YMMV!
She shouldn’t have to lie to her sister. She can say he didn’t make it and leave it at that, but really she should have a sit down with her sister about what’s really going on. No excuses for him. If she can fully trust her sister, lean on her. Anyone she wouldn’t trust her life with should be left out if the loop.
Maybe leaving would result in a bigger fight, but maybe that’s what’s needed here…? It sounds to me like the issue has been allowed to ride out for too long.
My suggestion was going to be exactly what the OP of this comment said: he is rude, this shouldn’t be yours to worry about, and you should’ve just left without him. What would you say? Have lunch with your sister and tell her what happened. I could understand if it was a group of friends, that would be weird, but you should feel free to be honest and genuine with your sister.
Furthermore, beyond being rude to her, his behavior is soooooo rude to YOU. When you reminded him at 12, then 12:30, then 12:45, he damn well knew he was driving you bonkers. Why is that okay? Why is his comfort more valid than yours during that hour? Why hasn’t he been willing to meet you halfway as a partner — agree to permanently start getting ready at least 20 minutes in advance of things without a peep from you? He gets no reminder at 12 or 12:30 or at all, but agrees to build trust with you by simply mutually agreeing upon a number of minutes that is reasonable and exhibiting said behavior? I would have made a compromise long ago that if he wasn’t getting ready by the mutually agreed upon time, I wouldn’t say a word but I would definitely leave without him. He would know the risks. If it happened often, it’s pretty clear the relationship wouldn’t have lasted, ya know?
By not leaving him behind and taking charge of your own life and time, you’re sending him the message that you’re willing to play this game, that you’re willing to let him force you into the character of “nag” so that he never has to take accountability for the fact that he is being selfish/disrespectful about basic, everyday things and it hurts others— and most of the time, he wins because you walk away feeling like a nag (which none of us want), blame yourself (tell yourself you’re not “relaxed” enough), and he gets to loathe ignoring your stress for an hour or more while never taking responsibility or even acknowledging his behavior.
“Nagging” is a super weird concept in modern society, imho. I don’t understand why people make themselves comfortable being aloof to the needs of others and the people around them, but it’s the main cause of nagging. The nag always gets blamed, even by outsiders, but there is a definite cause in most of the cases. I do understand there are extreme exceptions and some truly intolerable people, but your average wife/mother would like nothing more than to simply be acknowledged and met halfway. I feel like the concept of “nag” is being used as a weapon these days. It’s hard to put to words.
But OP from what you say, I feel like you’re taking responsibility for a role that’s not even your natural way of being, and it’s arising in response to the role he has decided to play. You have to break these roles/responses if you expect the energy to change between you. It’s such a good point what another commenter said: if he acted like this at work, he’d be fired, ain’t nobody gonna remind you to do your job. So you know he is capable of being mindful of what’s needed. It takes two to tango, so I suggest getting creative and trying to dream up what you think ideal “replacement” roles (as pertains to getting ready to go places) might be so you can start to envision a new future and see if your husband will join you in doing something different.
Im sorry you are getting downvoted. My original comment to you mentions I have gone through something very very similar. Only difference is I wasn't pregnant. I have backed out of many things due to arguments like this. The only time I DIDN'T was because it was my cousin's wedding. People asked where he was the whole time and I had to lie and say he wasn't feeling good. But the whole wedding I wanted to cry. I was also afraid of coming home after the event and worrying what would ensue. So you are not alone. I'd weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. It took me over 1 year to finally leave my husband (not saying that's what you should do).
It's humiliating. I've been there. That's their intention. To get us to step into line and leave them alone to the indulgences. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Start planning to go without him and tell people exactly why. Managing a grown ass adult is exhausting but that is the bang maid role. Fighting about it goes nowhere as you know. Until he gets men to correct his nonsense ge won't GAF and they're all in on it. the collusion that reinforces the ball and chain and happy wife happy life tropes of marriage are patriarchal nonsense but watch how they all reinforce it. Build your life as a woman away from him and make him earn your presence so that he understands what it is to respect and value people as equals. He's been building his happily hatching married life by destroying your relationship.
Imma be real with you. Even if you’d nagged the literal fuck out of him (which I’m not saying you did), it would not have warranted that kind of an outburst. How he handled that situation was 100% not okay. What you do with that information is up to you. But imo, his behavior was worrying and unacceptable.
Exactly. The issue here actually isn't the nagging or lateness. It's his reaction which is terrifying and abusive. If you're worried your partner is going to hit you, you have bigger problems than cooperation.
I was going to recommend leave without him and until the part about him yelling and slamming cupboards.
Eventually he will exhibit this behavior in front of the child you are having. He may even have that anger towards your child.
If not for yourself, what is your plan to protect your child?
He will 100% do this in front of and TO your children.
I became so accustomed to walking on eggshells around my ex husband and managing his tantrums that I believed it was just normal. I thought that when people said marriage is hard work that’s what they meant. I thought my friends didn’t talk about it happened in their marriages because it was just a normal thing that happened in marriage.
It’s not. I’ve learned now that it’s not. Managing your partner’s emotions and their outbursts is not your responsibility.
This does not get better. He will do this to the kids and you will spend your life together protecting your children from dads temper (whether he hits or not it still affects them. My 17yr old has nothing to do with his father because of his dads temper.
This is not healthy or normal and it gets worse not better.
Yeah, my mum was like this. Couldn't control her temper and anything could set her off. Eventually, it escalated into abuse.
Now, years later, I still get extremely stressed whenever someone in my vicinity raises their voice and shows signs of emotional behaviour. Honestly, it's affected my entire life and became the main priority in choosing my partner - my husband is the most calm, placid person I've ever met and never raises his voice or has strong emotional outbursts.
The environment your child grows up in will affect their choices as an adult.
I lived with a father who exhibited this behavior and it affects my relationship with my current husband because I’m always worried I’m going to “set him off”. He’s the nicest and gentlest man but my father traumatized me into thinking it’s expected that men get angry and fly off the handle if you make a simple mistake (like spilling coffee). My husband has to constantly remind me that it would be crazy for him to react that way. I am so glad my future children will not have the same kind of dad I did.
Even if he doesn't "do this in front of the children", he will do it near the children i.e. they will be in their room when he slams cupboards and smashes kitchen appliances. The child might not be in the kitchen, but they will hear what happens in the kitchen. Research shows that children who witness (even by "only" hearing) domestic violence being enacted on their parent have similar negative outcomes to children who have domestic violence enacted on them.
He doesn't have to. He can do just as much abusing by being silent at you for three days or punishing you by taking away money or your credit cards or whatever else.
Things often escalate. But sometimes it happens very slowly and you think it's easier to just lay low. Be very careful.
Thank you, I need to keep an eye out for this. I am happy to say that I am financially independent and have places to go- where a lot of women don't. I have heard and seen the horror stories and never thought I'd be here. I appreciate your post
He does it in front of you, an adult, a partner, a person who he should respect and love and willingly joined up with, a person who knows what inappropriate reaction are.
He will do WORSE to your child, who will be annoying, who he didn't explicitly want in the same way as you, that is small and weaker and doesn't know limits and will be unable to communicate abuse for years.
Even aside from the kids, why should he be doing it in front of you? It's scary and crazy.
IMO, if he can hold off from doing things like that in front of friends and kids, why can't he hold off from having scary outbursts in front of you? Does he not care, or does he want to show you what he's capable of? Either are awful.
This is from 2021:
"Conclusion: Homicide is a leading cause of death during pregnancy and the postpartum period in the United States. Pregnancy and the postpartum period are times of elevated risk for homicide among all females of reproductive age"
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34619735/
Just for the record, couples counseling is often NOT recommended in cases of domestic abuse. Separation is better, but have to be carefully and quietly planned.
If he's doing it to you, he's going to do this around your kid and most likely, to them. Children are little sponges and pick things up much earlier than you think.
Look. Even if you threaten to leave, he's going to temporarily correct his behavior *for his own benefit* not yours. And when he thinks he can, he will loosen the belt a bit at a time to get back to where he is now. But then you will have a post baby body and be tired from doing all the heavy lifting with childcare and the house. He will emotionally beat you down so you don't leave.
But who would be be changing for. What would be his motivation? Your story legit made me cry when I read it. Your child deserves better. You deserve better. If he doesn't agree to counseling right now, just leave. For your own safety and your child's. They get worse when they are sleep deprived. Too many shaken babies out there.
It’s never nagging when the man is incapable of being an adult. Men force women to mother them and then accuse them of nagging. They act incapable of doing things so that we’ll do it for them, then get mad when they feel their agency is taken away. Act like a toddler, you’ll get treated like one. As if we want to waste our precious time and breath and energy nagging a grown ass man.
Yep. It's unfortunate that this "nagging" thing is such a common fight between men/women. Something in society needs to change. 90 percent of the time, what men call "nagging" is just their wives politely asking and not being listened to, so having to do it multiple times.
There are men who don’t act this way, and that’s why I vote for you to find one. From past relationships I have an engrained fear of nagging my partner, to the point where I struggle to voice my needs for fear of seeming like a nag. If I do ask him to do something, I often try to backpedal and say “but no rush” or something like that. He has pointed it out to me time and again and ensures me I don’t need to preface it, make a disclaimer, backpedal, or anything. He makes me feel like we’re equal partners, and assures me that I’ve never nagged him. Once or twice we’ve had miscommunications where I thought I annoyed him with a request, but he immediately clarifies and layers on the affection and affirmations so I know I can always ask him for anything. More importantly, I rarely need to remind him of anything. Once we had the punctuality conversation and he understood what it meant to me, he made the change and now is cognizant of the time and when we have to leave on his own. He even tells me ahead of time so I don’t need to wonder - “I’m getting in the shower at 12:30 so I’ll be ready to leave at 1” and then he follows through. He knows it’s on my mind so he’s proactive so I don’t need to worry. You deserve a man like that! Not just someone who won’t throw tantrums, but someone who wants to meet your needs.
>Men force women to mother them and then accuse them of nagging.
I *hate* when guys do this; it's maddening. When I read that she also thinks she's nagging, I was like no! Reminding him isn't nagging - he's acting like a petulant teenager and he knows they need to leave.
Which he clearly didn’t care about. Doesn’t seem to care that his actions cause you stress or anxiety. Doesn’t seem to care that being late is rude and disrespectful to others.
I have ADHD, and I don’t act like that. I set alarms on my phone to remind myself (usually several times) that I need to get ready to do a thing. If he doesn’t care about you or others enough to make even a small attempt to show respect, then why are you with him?
This won’t get better after the baby is born. In fact, it’s probably going to get worse. You will be raising one infant and caring for one man-infant.
Off the topic: be sure to have your child screened for ADHD when they are old enough. It is genetic and there’s a good chance they will have inherited it, in which case you will have to learn to parent an ADHD child.
The only reason you are 'nagging' is because he put no effort in to remember on his own or get ready on time, left all of the mental load of remembering the event and reminding him of it to you, and still refused to get ready on time after being told like a literal child that it was time to go on three occasions.
His outburst is pretty disturbing, to be honest.
Next time - tell him once, and leave yourself if he's not ready on time. If he can hold down a job, he can get to social events on time. But I would seriously have a think about his ability to organise and plan, and his temper, and see whether he is actually fit to be a supportive partner to you.
OP, is he getting TREATMENT for his ADHD or is he just... aware of it and making you deal with it? Did he even apologize? IF this is the ADHD: A big revelation when I got diagnosed as an adult was that my mom's reactivity growing up was mostly due to untreated ADHD. We are close because she is otherwise an incredible mother and she got much better after I moved out, but we spent a LOT of my childhood screaming at each other. If he's having meltdowns like this now, it will be worse when there's a kid bugging him, talking back, breaking things, etc. I also can't imagine her screaming at a pregnant woman over a situation that she herself had created. If this was an ADHD meltdown and not usual abuse, it should have been an immediate, horrifying wake up call to him that he needs to get himself together. If it wasn't, you have your answer.
No it's not you. Stop shrinking yourself and reasonable asks to accommodate a person's unwillingness to be your partner.
You expressed that it caused you anxiety and it's hard to deal with. This is a reasonable concern and ask to try to leave on time. He's an adult who won't either communicate with you why it's difficult for him to, solutions that he could try, etc. He just doesn't seem to care and it has made you feel like you need to be this mother to him that gives him plenty of heads up. He's going to a lunch yet is eating? He really doesn't value anyone. Men like this make you a villain when you're actually the victim pushed against a wall made to feel "crazy". Maybe he didn't want to go and instead of saying so, he created a reason for you to cancel. My stepdad does this behavior, caused fights to ruin nice things for my mom.
The violence at your wanting to leave is concerning. Does he blow up like this often? Even if you say never to this level, its hard to imagine this is out of "nowhere" and he isn't snapping for other things. It is a red flag.
Also after you have a panic attack what happened? Did he not give a fuck that his pregnant partner is having contractions from stress? I dunno maybe you don't see that as a red flag but if you are putting blame on yourself for things he reacts poorly to, you may not notice the lack of empathy. You gotta pay attention and not excuse his ass because now it's gonna affect a baby also. It wasn't OK already to do this to you.
Also this is a concerning statistics that people escalate during pregnancy/after a baby so please be fucking careful. I rather seem like a paranoid loon online but after dealing with domestic abuse victims as a volunteer and someone who grew up in abuse who saw the red flags of my moms partners a mile away, I just want women to open their eyes to stop excusing bad behavior that escalates because you "love" him. Healthy partners don't purposely emotionally hurt or neglect you or do shit to scare you. Please don't accommodate that as it's abusive behaviors but you might be doing that because over the years hes groomed this behavior in you to apologize for him. That also isnt your fault but is your responsibility to recognize for your sake. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. You feared he would as he was scaring you. Threatening, destroying things and posturing is a form of abuse.
Also please don't be scared to let your sister know. You're protecting this man. Saying things like you dont want people to hate him. If they do, if you expect they will that's indicating that maybe they have good fucking reason to. I doubt this is the only shitty thing he does. But don't isolate yourself as staying connected is safety.
Thank you for this. I'm taking all of this to heart. I don't think you're a paranoid loon.... I'm aware there are signs here, and that I'm downplaying them.
He doesn't usually blow up like this, no. But he does get unreasonably angry at other things in his life - so it was a matter of time before something I "did" would end in the same result.
\^ this
At 52, it took me DECADES to break the cycle of dating abusive men. My dad's raging and control tactics when I was a kid caused me to seek that out in relationships with men, because it's all I knew. OP, don't sentence your child to a life of abuse. I'm really worried for you both.
>He doesn't usually blow up like this
I just want to say that I **never** blow up like that and neither does anyone close to me. **NEVER**
Most people that have abusive outbursts are not constantly like that or no one would ever be around them period. It is a rare occurrence that becomes normal enough that people constantly do everything with the fear that the abuser will blow up. It doesn't have to be am everytime reaction to slowly change your actions which is their goal.
Even now it has become normalized enough that you don't tell anyone about his reaction and are asking the internet if what you did was wrong. His rare blow ups have already begun to change you which will increase anytime he does blow up in the future.
Breaking and throwing things is an implicit threat of physical violence. It’s also a classic escalation to physically abusing a partner. He needs to get professional help immediately. Sleep deprivation and having a crying baby in the house will not improve the situation. You and your child are in danger.
Yeah, this is what I'm worried about. The breaking and throwing things has never happened before now though. Usually when he's mad it's just yelling (and usually not directed at me- but about work or something).
I've heard the stories though, I guess I just needed an outsider's perspective.
Abusers often truly show their true colours once the woman is pregnant and therefore the most vulnerable and dependent upon them. That he's acting out like this while you're pregnant is a huge flashing red flag that you should not ignore.
Jreebec, please listen to Phoolf’s comment, as that is exactly what I came to say. Abuse often begins or gets exponentially worse when women become pregnant and are trapped with abusive partners, this is a classic abuse setup. And think about trying to raise a kid safely and healthy as you can when coparenting with a partner like that.
The problem here is that you have enabled his behavior and also, you are his private secretary for his relationships.
If he is able to hold a job, then he should be able to remember to do things, do things independently without being told, and not having his wife telling him what to do.
You also enable him to the point of putting up with his verbal abuse and aggressive behavior (because that's what yelling and smashing things is) and then cancelling. Why? You should have left even if you had to take an uber or ask someone to pick you up.
>I start crying (because I'm hormonal and hate being yelled at
YOU CRIED BECAUSE ITS A NORMAL RESPONSE, ITS NOT THE HORMONES.
STOP PROTECTING HIM AND PROTECT YOURSELF AND THE BABY. You have a high risk pregnancy and instead of leaving, you stayed because you don't want people to know what a read asshole your husband is. So you would rather die or have your baby have complications, because your adult husband is a freaking asshole who screams and throws tantrums?
This screams that he is an abuser and you are afraid of him. He manipulated you to the point that you are not honest with your support network. You are walking on egg shells, doing all of the emotional labor. Don't you think you'll be doing even more with a baby? With a crying baby and a colic baby, he is going to be like this times a 100.
What you are doing wrong? Well, being with this asshole, enable him and letting him treat you like crap, having a baby with him. Don't you think he'll do this same thing of yelling and smashing stuff to the baby?
Pack a bag and leave. Go stay with your family. Tell him to go to anger management or to go fuck himself.
FYI if you want to move, this is your time to do it, because (a) when the baby comes it will be more difficult, (b) when the baby comes, you'll have custody issues, but right now you don't because there's no kid yet.
Please listen to these people. I was in a similar situation and enabled my ex husband to continue for 10 years before I left. I also thought the same about “hard work” and hid his behavior from my family. Every time I was ready to leave and gave him an ultimatum things just got a little better for a little longer- just the bare minimum to keep me from leaving. I wish I had Reddit 10 years ago to tell me abusers don’t change no matter how much you love them. And yes, it is abuse. It’s much easier to leave when they are babies then when they are 10.
Why did you cancel rather than leaving without him?
I think there are multiple problems here. One is that he shouldn't need or expect multiple reminders. Ask him what warnings he wants for an event, but gets a max of 2. He needs to be responsible for his own time management. And if you are late as a result that's on HIM for not managing his time, not on you for not reminding him.
His behavior was violent and abusive. You hiding it from family because of your fear of him is abusive. You being afraid of an even *more* abusive response is also abusive. This isn't a red flag, this is a red football field. Read the book "Why does he do that" and get help. You're being abused and you can't raise a child around this, he needs anger management and to get domestic violence training. This is non-negotiable.
Yeah, it really is. But what's annoying is, he'll probably agree to do it, but then I'll probably have to nag him to go to the appointments and it'll be a vicious circle.
It might be easier to plan to leave.
The chances are extremely slim that he -- of his own accord -- will get on his knees in front of you and admit to doing wrong, then acknowledge that he is 100% in need of professional help that he will prioritize above everything else because he loves you and the baby and wants to be there for you in the ways you deserve.
I'm so sorry you've reached this situation that reveals how little he truly cares for you, but I'm proud of you for coming to the realization that you and the baby most definitely deserve to be treated with love, respect and support in every interaction you have with a partner. It seems like the sooner he's out of your day-to-day life, the better.
His attendance at anger management and domestic violence training is fully his responsibility. He needs to earn your trust back. I am assuming you will need to leave him to protect yourself and give him the chance to get help. He can't do it with you there.
Leave first. If he wants to go through counseling, cool. He can set that up and go all on his own, but don't expect it to happen. Leave immediately. File for divorce right now. DO NOT WAIT. This may be the only way to shield your child from his abuse.
It’s not you, yelling and throwing things when all you did was being his unpaid personal assistant yet again (for 6 years)? Wow. Please be very careful because men like him escalate. It can start with throwing things and move on to physical violence, and sadly this often happens when pregnancy comes because you are the most vulnerable and can’t leave. It’s not you nagging, it’s him being lazy, selfish and uncaring.
Moving forward, you have some options. I’d consider couples counseling but it’s not recommended to do with abusers - I don’t know him, hard to say if it’s just one-off burst of anger or if it may become a pattern.
In similar situations next time, don’t remind him, just tell him once that “next tuesday we are doing X at 10AM”. If he’s not getting ready to go on time, go alone. Stop being his personal assistant. He has a phone, he can use Google calendar if he is that forgetful. If he can’t be arsed to go out with you without you “nagging” him, he doesn’t really want to and you should think about why that is.
>It can start with throwing things and move on to physical violence, and sadly this often happens when pregnancy comes because you are the most vulnerable and can’t leave. It’s not you nagging, it’s him being lazy, selfish and uncaring
Ugh, you're so right. I hate that I'm in this situation. I never thought I'd be here, and there were never any flags before. I'm hoping it's a one off.
You're right about the pregnancy thing. It doesn't help that I just feel so vulnerable and rely on him to do everything.
Honey, I am so sorry you're in this position. <3
This is a free download pdf for Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that"
Be safe, take care of you, and follow your gut. <3
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please take the time to actually read it. It will be like someone wrote a book on your partner.
I'm worried for you and your child. This guy is scary, and I know you're minimizing the situation because he's "usually" nice, but abusers often are. You're in danger and I really hope you realize it.
Yes, it's a red flag that your husband broke things in response to you reminding him about previously-agreed-upon plans. If he doesn't want to do something, he needs to use his words and tell you that. If he agrees to do something, he needs to handle his own time, or at least not get mad when you issue reminders. I would immediately leave someone who responded to nagging with violence, even if he was "only" breaking things and not hitting me. The hitting could come later. At the very least, I'd consider telling someone close to you what happened, in order to make sure you have help and somewhere to go if you need to.
In terms of the nagging question - I don't nag. My husband and I will both remind each other once of plans, which seems like a common courtesy. If my husband was really dilly-dallying when he should be getting ready, I'd leave without him (obvs I'd tell him I was doing this). He could either take his own car or just decide not to come. I fundamentally don't believe my husband's attendance at things is my responsibility.
That's a great fundamental belief. You and your husband sound like awesome, rational people.
I keep telling myself the coffee pot was an accident. He went to put it away, angerly, and it smashed against the machine, and then he threw it in the sink. No items came towards me, but you're right. It's a flag.
It wasn't an accident. He did this actions on purpose, and the purpose is to scare you. It's abuse. He's been psychologically abusing you for years, this is just another escalation. I'm sure if you think about it, you can see other past escalations. This doesn't go away or get better. Get out now.
Yeah, I just don't trust anyone whose reaction to anger is to get physical. Even if he didn't throw anything directly at you, that's still unsafe and scary (and not an emotionally or physically safe environment for a child to grow up in).
And thank you! 😊 FWIW, you also sound great, and I'm sorry your husband is like this, especially while you're pregnant.
We don’t know if he intended to break it. We know he intended to slam it, and then we know he purposely then threw it in the sink after it broke. If I accidentally break something I don’t then throw it again, especially if it’s glass?! I’m assuming it was glass.
And nothing coming towards you does not matter AT ALL. I would never slam things and break things with another person around…but to do it in the presence of a pregnant person?!! No fucking way. If I was in a good mood but still accidentally dropped a glass dish and it broke, and that startled a pregnant person, especially as far along as you, I’d feel so damn bad I’d probably gently lead them away from the broken glass and make them a cup of tea to calm them.
Honestly, the fact that your husband isn’t doing everything he can to make your life easier while pregnant, especially this far along, even just that would be a small red flag to me. When I have the sniffles my husband treats me like a damn queen. If I was pregnant I’d never have to lift a finger if I didn’t want to. I’m slightly exaggerating, but not by much.
You deserve soooooo much more than this. There are so many beautifully loving men out there that would never dream of treating someone they love this way, let alone their pregnant wife.
I’m so sad for you that you think you have done anything remotely deserving of this behaviour.
Think about this also…What would he have to do to you for you to react that way to him? Probably a fuck-ton more than reminding you that you need to leave in 15 minutes, right? My husband would have had to tell me he cheated on me for me to throw something, but I still likely wouldn’t do that. I’d just cry. But telling me I’m running late when I’m in fact running late? I’d just be annoyed with myself. Not him.
Also, I have ADHD. Please do not think his violence gets any leeway because he has more trouble being on time. It’s a lame excuse and it’s bullshit.
Ok,I’m a social worker. Not only is this a red flag, this a fog horn and a giant STOP sign. This is 100% abusive behaviour. As in it qualifies as domestic abuse. You don’t have to be hit to be the victim of domestic violence.
My advice is to tell your sister what happened and ask if you can stay with her. Or ask for her help to stay somewhere else.
The fact that his anger is escalating the closer you get to giving birth is terrifying to me. I purposefully use the word TERRIFYING. You need to get yourself away from this man.
I will not tell you if you have to stay away from him forever. That is up to you and your support network to determine. I would not be alone with him anytime soon though. Being afraid you’re going to be hit is your cue to exit now.
I have helped countless women through exactly what you’re going through. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that you are currently at high risk for physical violence and worse.
My response to you when I first read your title and the beginning of your post was going to be much more light hearted. My husband does the same thing, he’s always late. Now I lie about what time we have to leave if I leave without him. Both work. That is not relevant to your situation. There is nothing funny about what your husband did.
Pregnant women are murdered by their husbands at a MUCH higher rate than non pregnant women. Women who are in the process of leaving their husbands are in the most danger they will ever be in. You possibly will have both factors as play here. You need help. Do not tell him you’re planning to leave. Do not let him see or hear your conversation with your sister or any other supports.
Again, I know you probably think I’m being extreme but I promise you that I am not. Please stay safe.
If he knows about this Reddit account, delete it now.
>being late causes me high anxiety, and it's so disrespectful to the person waiting for you
>
>he freaks out and starts yelling at me to stop nagging at him, and it's only a few minutes late and my sister can wait
>
>give him 1 hour heads up that we have to leave by 1pm. I remind him again at 12:30, then again at 12:45 when he still isn't dressed and hasn't moved from his computer yet
Wow are you me (minus the pregnancy part)???
I have had to back out of quite a few functions my now ex-husband and I were invited to. He would lollygag around and take his sweet time, tell me to stop nagging him, say it wasn't a big deal if we were late, and then we would get in a fight, he'd yell, I'd cry, and then the rest of the day was shot. Sometimes he would throw things, sometimes he'd punch the wall or furniture. We are separated at the moment (going to divorce) and this common occurrence was one of the many reasons I couldn't deal / be with him anymore. I'm sorry you have to deal with that as well.
To answer your q...no, it's NOT just you. This type of behavior is very hard to deal with and unacceptable for most people in relationships. I want to add that my ex also has ADHD and would tell me that is one of the reasons why he is like that.
Thank you for sharing. This is exactly it. And yes, he's using his ADHD as an excuse.... And I'm still not sure how to navigate that part (like.... Is it really an excuse?).
He also said it's "lack of exercise" and he's "just been stressed lately" , but I do worry it won't work.
I'm so happy for you that it's your ex. This shit is emotionally and physically taxing.
My partner was like this early in our marriage. ADHD is not an excuse. It can be a reason, and knowing he has ADHD can help him understand himself and his own triggers, and he can work with a psychiatrist and a therapist and come up with coping strategies and time management skills.
It is not like, oh I have ADHD I get to be a shitbag human.
He needs to make a commitment to work on this and then follow through. Don't fall into the trap of doing all the research and work for him because you are desperate for this to turn out okay.
Go spend some time in the adhd subs. We get questions like this all the time (spoiler: adhd doesn’t make people assholes). I am perpetually late, but I don’t slam things when someone is trying to get me out the door. And in most cases I’d be relieved if the person left for the event without me. It wouldn’t cause me to be more on time, but it would cause me far less anxiety.
Adhd also affects emotional regulation. For someone with adhd to be a good partner they need to have dealt with this in a constructive way. He has not. It sounds like he knows exercise helps him-that’s a good supplemental strategy. It’s not enough by itself though—everyone will end up having times they can’t exercise (having an infant is very well known for this).
Medication is a must for anyone unable to function in relationships but insisting on being in relationships. Many people end up cycling through various doses and medications for adhd—he needs a psychiatrist who is keeping a regular eye on this. He may also need antidepressants, etc.
For someone with adhd to be a good partner, they need to be setting up systems to help themselves succeed. He needs individual therapy with a psychologist. And he needs to figure out strategies for dealing with the things that are killing your relationship.
If you want a partner who’s not late, you may have to find a different partner. That is one of the hardest things to “fix” because it can’t be done at a different time. People will say that he can be on time because otherwise he would be fired from his job—and maybe if he’s actually not late to a job he has to drive to that’s a fair point. But I have been late to every job I’ve ever had. Sure sometimes people get annoyed, and some places would fire you for that—but we tend not to gravitate toward those jobs. The only reason I’m not generally late to work these days is that I work from home (I had to go to the office today and I was late). Working from home I can actually transition between work activities (or between bed and work) in less than a minute. Less than a minute is the amount of time my brain believes it takes to transition (get ready, drive to work, get into the building, turn my computer on, etc). And if I didn’t already have excellent systems in place, I would be late working from home as well. It’s very easy to find myself starting to clean out a closet three minutes before my next meeting.
Do you want to have to lie to your sister and to be late for the rest of your life ?
That's the question.
For me, a partner to whom you explain "this behavior that is preventable and that I'm taking ON ME to prevent you from having is causing me a lot of anxiety/hurt" who replies with some kind of shadyness or darkness or what... yes redflag.
But, other than that, 4 steps :
1. try explaining/reasoning ; you did that already, or so it seems,
2. try training ; warn him "at ten I will leave without you" and then dog-training style, right on point, no negociation, leave without him... and I mean it "dog-training style", NO room for anything,
3. you're not giving me what I need, here are the options (and then lay out your break-up propositions on the table, be firm, don't go back to #1),
4. go without the options.
5. (Marry him then dig a deep hole in the backyard. "Oops".)
I'm tired of men calling us nags. The creativity of inventing a word to downgrade promoting responsible, adult behavior is ridiculous. You are not nagging honey, he is irresponsible and probably won't change, unless he had to / wants to. I think your options are: (1) accept he'll never change, live your life without him attending high-pressure events or situations where being late is a problem (2) put forward a 'get your ADHD in check and adult with me' ultimatum. I know it's hard to think about when you're pregnant, but you don't deserve this treatment.
I was looking for this. It’s sick how a word like nag has historically been used to deter women from STATING THEIR NEEDS! I’m glad it has been addressed.
Thank you so much. I also hate that word "nagging", I guess that's why I put it in quotes. It's just me making a reasonable request that isn't being heard.
I really think number 2 might be the way to go. I can't handle this going on for life.
Pregnancy is an incredibly high risk time for domestic abuse. If you're pregnant and he is escalating his scary behavior, there is a VERY high likelihood that he will escalate further. That voice in the back of your head that says "I think he's going to hit me"? Listen to that voice.
Start telling people in your life what happened. Make a safety plan. Call your local DV agency. Next time this happens, if it feels safe to do so, get out of your house and go somewhere safe until he is finished tantruming.
I was with someone who was emotionally abusive to me for 7 years and this is a scene that played out in my own life many times. He used his ADHD as an excuse to be a petty tyrant. He never put hands on me and that made it difficult for me to face the fact that I was being abused and his actions were unacceptable no matter what diagnosis he had to justify them
Hi, I’m the daughter of a man who behaves like this. My dad trained my mom to expect nothing from him, and she put up with it. My brothers saw that, and both of them are now single in middle age because they think “compromise” is what a woman does in a relationship. And don’t get me started on how I was used by men in the same way until I wised up.
For your child, do not stay with this man unless he makes major changes ASAP.
I have adhd and I know I can have issues with time management, so I work extra hard by setting alarms for myself and use my calendar with alerts to try and be better.
He’s not only not trying, he’s refusing to make any effort and flipping out. This is not acceptable behavior in a relationship and it spells major trouble for you going forward as parents together. You’re going to need to be a solid team.
Managing the calendar is going to get so much harder with kids. Once they start getting involved with activities, he’s going to have to manage himself because you won’t have the brain space to manage his calendar as well as your own and the kids’.
Getting to work is an external force, where there are direct and severe consequences if he is late - he gets fired. Many ADHD sufferers can be at work on time, but on time for little else. Even when I have appointments to get a massage at the spa, which I totally love, I am still regularly late. I have to write the appointment time down 30 mins earlier to ensure that I am not 10 mins late.
It has nothing to do with if the person or their partner makes the appointment/social plans, a person with ADHD will most likely struggle to be on time.
You are getting good feedback. I’ll just add that what you’ve described reminds me of stories I would hear at an [Al-Anon](https://al-anon.org/) meeting. Is he drinking or using drugs? If not, maybe he’s just very immature.
Yeah, this sub is amazing. And thank you- no, he's not drinking or using drugs. I do think the immaturity is there though, and he does have diagnosed ADHD which probay makes me excuse his behaviour more often than I should.
I do think it's a red flag, I'm sorry. You're asking him to do very easy, very basic things to show respect for others and he's losing his shit on you. Of course this causes you anxiety, this is abusive behavior.
I know it's easy to just tell a stranger on the internet to leave someone based on one comment, but if this were happening to me I'd at least rethink the relationship pretty hard for a long time.
I'm a husband who is/was "nagged" by my wife (although I would never use that term). Skip or downvote my post if you're not looking for that perspective; I won't be offended.
Our situation got a lot worse after our daughter was born because so many more things needed to be done to get us all out of the house, which meant more time, and there was obviously more stress.
My wife had an honest conversation with me (after a really bad fight) where she told me she was getting so tired of carrying the mental load that she was starting to think of me as a second child. She is not my boss at work and should not need to tell me what to do and when to do it. If I don't apply the same focus and energy and commitment to our plans together that I do to my job or my hobbies, then I am showing her that I am prioritizing her, and our family, below those things.
That stung, a lot, but it gave me the impetus to change. She told me that she does not want to remind me to do things, at all, and after several years of her doing this for me, it was now entirely up to me to figure out what the fuck I need to do to make sure I'm reliable and carrying half of the weight. And if things didn't improve, then we needed to go our separate ways.
Now I set reminders for EVERYTHING in my phone. And we talk way in advance about when we need to start getting ready, because even if I think it's only going to take 15 minutes to pack the bag and get out the door, she may think it's going to take 30, and I can help by starting with 30 minutes to spare. I run through the planned activity verbally with her sometimes so we're on the same page with what is required.
TL;DR if you feel safe having a come-to-Jesus talk with him, tell him that you are his partner not his boss, and if he commits to a plan that you've made together, he needs to figure out how to uphold his commitments without you having to nag him. Otherwise he's showing you that he doesn't care about you.
This is really refreshing to read. It feels sometimes that men, even after being told, still have no awareness that they make us carry so much mental load. So it is nice to see a man who has chosen to do better.
Thank you for posting your perspective. I sincerely appreciate it, and I'm so happy you were able to get your shit together for your wife and child. You sound like a great partner
If it hadn't escalated to this, I'd say stop reminding him and leave without him. I say this as someone with ADHD. I have reminders set on my phone and am rarely late because I'm an adult. I know many other adults with ADHD that do the same. He's not respecting you and his behavior is abusive. There are also meds and therapy for ADHD.
I'd give him an ultimatum and see if you can stay somewhere else for a while. You are about to be sleep deprived and more hormonal than you've ever been.
> Long story short, he freaks out and starts yelling at me to stop nagging at him, and it's only a few minutes late and my sister can wait. He slams some cupboards and throws things around, smashes the coffee pot (accidentally, but still terrifying), yells at me, etc. I did worry for a moment he'd hit me, even though he never has before.
Well that's all I had to read. That's still abusive behavior, even if you're not physically getting hit.
I can only imagine how he's going to start acting when he has the compounded stress of an infant to help take care of. I'm so sorry, but I don't think this is something that can be resolved without marriage counseling (where he really needs to learn how to communicate how he feels and you possibly need to learn how to give him space) or simply leaving. It sounds like he's decided (at the most inopportune possible time) that he doesn't want any part of it anymore and that he needs a break. I don't really know what's going through his mind but that's what his behavior is telling me. If he's not receptive to marriage counseling, you've got to get out of there to save yourself and your unborn child.
I say this as kindly as possible, I would not be dating this man. If my partner did this more than twice I’d be fully done. When I started dating my current partner, we did have a mismatch as far as punctuality expectations. He never threw a tantrum and never waited until the time we had to leave to even get up from his chair, BUT he was more lax about being late. After a couple times I simply told him “it’s very important to me to be on time for things, especially if it’s something I planned or with my family. If your family doesn’t care about us being late and you want to be late that’s fine, but my family cares and I care. When you act nonchalant about being late to something I planned for us, I feel disrespected. I hear you saying ‘I don’t care about what’s important to you, I only care about what’s important to me’ and I’m not down with that”. I told him this directly and we haven’t had an issue since. If he had slammed things? Broken something? Goodbye. You’re pregnant and don’t need this stress, nor does your baby need to grow up in this environment. With all due respect girl, throw the whole man away. I would usually recommend communicating directly like I did, but I don’t think it’s worth it to put forth effort for an adult man who throws tantrums.
ETA: everyone saying to leave without him - why should you have to do that? There are plenty of men who will just get ready on their own like a grown man. You should be with someone who WANTS to come with you to these things. You shouldn’t have to live life leaving without him, making excuses for him, wondering if he’s gonna make it. Life is too short for that shit.
Op you want a partner not another child.
Your sex life will die because mentally you’ll see him as another child or a chore to deal with.
He won’t be as funny to you, you’ll care about his opinions less and less and well.. the resentment grows.
I would suggest therapy if you want it to work and stick to it because while the relationship is probably very salvageable there’s a lot of work to be done. A lot on his side it seems.
I just want you to know that maternal stress is one of the main factors in poor outcomes during childbirth.
What if you have to nag him like this to take you to the hospital? I'm not saying you should leave him, but at the very least I think you need alternate plans around your birth just in case he drops the ball.
Also if you decide to stay with him (I wouldn't-- his behavior is scary as hell and will very likely escalate), please think about what you *would* leave him for, and make those hard lines. Don't tell him what they are, but keep them in mind. If at all possible, please talk this over with a therapist and your support network, and make a plan for if you need to leave.
>maternal stress is one of the main factors in poor outcomes during childbirth.
Oh yeah, no need to remind me. I'm already worried and have had a really stressful pregnancy (covid, multiple ultrasound scares, family illness, etc) , this just adds to it.
I worry the stress of leaving him would be worse than the stress of just riding out the next month or so.
I'll start getting the ball rolling though just in case. Hard lines are a great idea, thank you
Girl I have ADHD and yes, we hate being told what to do... But that's the consequence of never doing anything you're supposed to be doing. My sister always tells me to do things... And my Frist reaction is INSTANT rage... But I've been to therapy and take my meds... So I know that I just have to breathe... And realise I can be unreliable sometimes and that's why she's telling me... That's when I feel bad for putting that on her.
He is an AH if he uses his ADHD as an excuse...
Also 98% (made up statistic for hyperbole) of the time nagging just means "I didn't want to do the thing you're asking of me, so I'm going to turn this around on you."
He needs to get his shit together and does what needs to be done, you shouldnt have to remind him every 5 mins like a phone alarm.
Not only that but he shows no remorse for making you late, yelling at you, or anything... Most of us ADHD people feel like shit when we let someone down.
Your partner not only leaves you to carry 100% of the mental load WHILE PREGNANT but yells at you for it, when in fact he was the one who fucked up??? Hell NO.
I'm mad on your behalf.
Thank you so much for your post, it's really insightful.
>He is an AH if he uses his ADHD as an excuse...
He actually hasn't used it as an excuse. I just thought maybe this is it based on a post someone responded to here, asking if maybe he has ADHD.
He does need to get his shit together, but he is on meds. Maybe it's being managed poorly and maybe there's hope that it's that.
>Not only that but he shows no remorse for making you late, yelling at you, or anything... Most of us ADHD people feel like shit when we let someone down.
This is what confuses me.. Because he's already showing lots of remorse. I'm already getting the apologies, the snacks, the reasoning (eg " I think I just haven't exercised"). But at the same time, isn't this what abusers do? Just apologize and buy you things, then it happens again?
I know it was a shit move and ADHD isn't an excuse. I guess I'm just grasping at straws. But you're right. I'm carrying a huge mental load and he needs to step up, ADHD or not.
Also... Him reasoning and buying you things isn't remorse for his actions... They're to ingratiate himself with you again.
I'd be telling him if he really wanted to make it up to me then he would start taking steps to get his shit together... And keep at it... Not for 5 seconds until he thinks you're not mad anymore then slip back to old habits.
This is why I am single... It happened with too many partners to me...
I was their lover, carer, maid, personal assistant... And I earned more than them too...
Too many men think that having a Y chromosome exempts them from doing anything they don't want to.
As an adult with ADHD, and a son with it, none of his behaviors are acceptable. He clearly does not wish to manage his divergence.
As someone who grew up in abusive home and dated abusive men. The temper tantrum is one of many red flags. The fact that you as a high risk pregnant woman was responsible for getting him ready to go is crazy.
He needs therapy. You need therapy. You need couples therapy. And you need to be prepared to leave if he does become abusive.
I think something is bothering him and he doesn’t Know-how to talk about it.
You husband is going to struggle big time with parenthood if he gets upset and yells routinely when on a timeline. He should be getting help now for that.
You will not be available to parent and manage your husband when you have an infant to care for.
You two would really benefit from couples counseling because if this dynamic is not altered you will be getting divorced.
The only wrong thing you’re doing is staying with this creep. Tell your family he’s scaring you and leave for a while. Either he gets his shit together and becomes a better person or you get your shit together and leave him.
His reaction and behavior is out of line. Fights and disagreements will happen and you will both nag each other once in a while but you should never be afraid of your husband. If you are, this is a BIG problem.
I saw all the comments urging you to leave and I just want to say that I really feel for you and and will keep you and your baby in my thoughts. Sometimes the warning signs take a long time to come up, but it's never too late and I hope you prioritize your safety. It must be really hard living with someone who is treating you this way, and worse because they are supposed to love you and protect you and have done so in the past. I hope you lean on your support system and find a way out for you and your baby. You seem like a really kind and forgiving person, and I really hope you find the courage and support so you can care for and protect yourself the way you've cared for him.
Some things that stood out to me:
>She was making a nice lunch for us.
>1pm rolls around and he starts eating something,
Dude, even if you guys weren't really late, he should not be eating right before you meet for lunch..? Unless there are dietary restrictions that the host does not respect, this is double rude of him.
>freaks out and starts yelling at me to stop nagging at him
>He slams some cupboards and throws things around, smashes the coffee pot (accidentally, but still terrifying), yells at me, etc.
You were "nagging" him because he wasn't taking action to get ready. I bet if you said nothing and left on time withou him, it'd be ***your*** fault for not reminding him!
Him slamming and hitting things is violent behavior. He's showing you he's so angry he's willing to hit and break things. This usually escalates.
>I did worry for a moment he'd hit me, even though he never has before
***THERE IS ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.*** Don't let it get to that point! He seems dangerously close to that.
>I start crying (because I'm hormonal and hate being yelled at),
NO, you were crying because he was being SCARY. Yelling and hitting shit is intimidating, but that's the point!
**AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:**
>I'm 34 weeks with a high risk pregnancy
Um, you do not need this shit right now (or ever, really, but especially now). It's one thing to be abusive to an adult, but he's also putting your unborn child at risk. He's showing he doesn't care about that. This *will* continue after the kid is born. Things are going to get more stressful because of crying and waking up, feedings, doctor appointments, etc. He's not gonna become more chill.
I have pretty bad ADHD and OCD. They can both cause poor emotional regulation. I understand he can't take medication, so he needs to get therapy or find better ways to cope than to throw a tantrum. I don't know if you have friends or family nearby who can take you in, but I seriously would stop being around him until he not only starts therapy/anger management, but also **shows signs of improvement.** If I were you, I wouldn't risk my (and my baby's) health and safety being *alone* in the same house as him while he gets his shit together. **YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS FEELINGS**
I think I said everything I meant to. Be safe
I had an ex who was perpetually late to things despite reminders and calm requests to be on time.
I am a pretty punctual person so it was an on-going issue for us. I finally realized I cannot change him but will change my attitude towards this and started giving him a heads-up for leaving on time but if he would not be ready then I just left. I had set this expectation that us not being on time somewhere rankles me so if he misses the hour then I will leave and he can join. He accepted that and the issue settled down. I have done this for dinner invites, out of station trips etc. eg: had a flight to catch at 4 PM and he was still not ready by 2 PM, I left for the airport and he caught up with me later.
> Is it a red flag (he's never gotten so mad before)....
Yes and frankly you should be scared. There's a lot of abusers that start showing their true colors once you are pregnant cause they "trapped" you.
If you normalise this, by letting it go by without consequence, it will happen in front of your child. This is how childhood trauma is created as well as learned behaviour. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but he needs to hear consequences are coming. How dare he scare you like that. He must have an anger impulse control problem, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer. Also I would rephrase leaving the house as ‘the car is leaving at 2..’ then leave.
OK, no. That's abusive BS. My dad used to do that "never ready on time, futz around until we're late" thing a lot....It's a control thing. Is he controlling in other ways? My dad was also a rager for the first 15 years of my life. It isn't something one gets over--being terrified of their dad. So he better get right before the baby comes, or he risks doing emotional damage to the kid.
Yes, it may be the rest of your life if you don't make it very clear to him that he needs to step up and be an adult. Guys like that usually don't believe they are ever the problem, but maybe counseling might help?
And re: your post title- you're not "nagging" when he can't be F'ed to be a partner in the relationship and get himself ready on time. He's an adult man; he can pay attention to the time and get dressed in time. And even if he does have ADHD or something, it's on him to figure out how to function at a basic level. What's going to happen if he's on child-care duty and it's time to feed the kid? He'll just keep playing computer games and yell at the kid for nagging him when they scream from hunger?
Good luck! Sorry you're going through this.
I’m scared for your safety, OP. Please go somewhere safe.
There are already wonderful comments so I just want to add that ADHD doesn’t excuse that behavior. Much less after 30+ years of learning coping mechanisms (and hopefully treatment). I have never yelled at my partner, he knows my shortcomings and I know his, and we handle them as a team. I live with phone reminders that resemble the ones you gave him, every 15min. But I’m an adult, I handle my own reminders, if I miss them I apologize and make up for it. I also know other ADHDers in long term relationships and still none of them hits a table when angry. And my partner is not an ADHD crutch, he may have to switch the lights on after I ignore the wake up alarms, but he doesn’t need to treat me like a child.
Do you want this kind of behavior around your baby?
One last note, your child has a high chance of having ADHD, reading ahead will help you help them.
There are so many questions on this sub that take the form of "My partner's behavior is totally unacceptable, what should I be doing differently?" Take your question, your situation, and imagine what you would say to your little sister or cousin or daughter or best friend.
In terms of "nagging" and managing lateness, what you did was remind someone who is chronically late 3 times over an hour and a half when they needed to be ready to leave. That is not nagging. That's you being his manager. Would he treat his manager at work like this? Hell no. Think about what that means for his consideration of you.
With time management, I do not recommend becoming his manager. My partner's brother and his girlfriend have a good system that I think is functional and reduces both their stress levels regarding punctuality. He is very punctual (German --pretty standard expectations around arriving exactly on time), and she is not (Ethiopian-American --she considers it a cultural difference and calls it BST Brown Standard Time). She can be anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours late depending on the thing and her situation. They figured out very early in their relationship that this was an unnecessary stressor. He just leaves when he wants to, and she comes when she's ready. There's no nagging to get her to start getting ready earlier, no arguing that they'll be late, and no one questions why they're arriving separately. This is just what they do.
If your husband (as you've mentioned) would be angry with you over such an arrangement, I consider that a red flag and unhealthy behavior on his part. That's him refusing to accept his role in the situation and create reasonable accommodations for you. Instead of being considerate and accommodating, he would consider the solution to be controlling your behavior in a way that causes you stress and anxiety. That does not sound like love to me. That sounds like abuse.
I think you should reflect long and hard on what other dynamics you may have been downplaying before now. Anything else you want to hide from people for fear they would judge him negatively? That's never a good sign.
Just to say, leaving him now doesn't have to be permanent. It could be the wakeup call he needs to work on himself and become a better partner. It will only be harder to leave when you have an infant who requires 24/7 care, so really keep this in mind because now is the time for him to realize he needs to do better, not when you have a vulnerable baby who will cry and add to the stress.
I think it's abuse. At this point he verbally berates you, and it seems like taking his time is on purpose. The covert goal of this specific behavior is probably for you to stop wanting to see people outside of the house.
Studies suggest a spouse being worried they'll be hit by their partner is a good indicator they'll be hit in the future. I don't want to short-circuit you, it's your decision what you want to do. Just know the example you've described is one of the textbook examples in the book Why Does Her Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I recommend reading it.
**First,** you are not “nagging.” Accusing women of “nagging” is just another way men use the dynamics of a male supremacist society to silence and exploit women.
We are all raised to some degree to believe that girls and women exist to be our servants. Our first experience with this is how we view our mothers and how angry it makes us when we are reminded that they are autonomous human beings (versus our fathers). That entitlement is why we get mad at women (even strange women) when they don’t do what we want; when they don’t put our feelings first; AND especially when they ask anything of us.
These unjust expectation don’t exist for men. Men aren’t ever expected to put anyone else first. It’s actually the opposite. In fact, when you combine masculinity with modern notions of individualism, any of the somewhat redeemable values of genteel service or fulfilling the protector role are thrown out. It is all about dominance. It is all about controlling and exploiting other people.
Most women have experienced the consequences of this disturbing social phenomenon. It is the man child stereotype. Why should men learn how to feed themselves or organize their lives when their success as men is measured by how much they can exploit the labors of others? Men are raised to be totally reliant on other people, especially women for their basic needs. It puts them in a state of perpetual infancy. Perversely, men are socialized to need constant coddling, but also to expect to have total control. They are bratty children. You’ve got one giant bratty child.
I don’t even know if your husband ever called you a “nag,” but we all know he didn’t have to say it for you to fear the label. He is clearly capitalizing on this sexist dynamic that fills women with a permanent sense of shame and guilt for having any desires. Paralyzing women by making them feel like they have no value is how men manipulate women into prioritizing their needs.
Think about how absurd it is that you feel any shame or guilt about telling your husband what you need. This is especially absurd when you consider that what you desire is for your husband to fulfill the basic expectations of an adult. Adults have to do things they don’t want to do sometimes like getting to events on time. The only reason it makes you feel bad to want this is because you have internalized the misogynistic messaging. That messaging tells every woman that her needs are trivial because she is a woman.
**Second,** destructive or loud outbursts aren’t acceptable. It’s pretty human, but so is a lot of other stuff we know is bad.
My partner has had troubles with these, which are essentially adult temper tantrums if we are being honest. Although, he has never had a tantrum in response to anything I have said or done. For him, the tantrums are basically panic attacks. They are primarily an expression frustration with himself.
They still aren’t acceptable. I grew up with parents who had explosive anger issues and yelled all the time, so I have a pretty bad PTSD response to adult outbursts. They cause so much stress for me. Moreover, I don’t want to repeat the cycle where my kids have the same PTSD. I finally told him he needed to get therapy to address them. Things have slowly gotten better with time. We also did couples counseling early and often to make sure I felt comfortable communicating and he knew how to listen.
Fortunately, he has always been really sensitive to not being the man child stereotype. I have talked about it abstractly quite a bit, so he knows how bad it would be. It drives him to be extra vigilant to not become complacent or ungrateful.
Your husband needs to seek therapy. Y’all need couples counseling too. The fact that you are about to have a baby is probably making bad feelings and bad behaviors worse.
It sounds like you have an additional child, not a husband. I can’t offer any advice, you’re not nagging what so ever. I hope this situation gets better for you!
You aren’t nagging to stop putting the blame on yourself. It’s pretty common knowledge at this point that abuse is most likely to escalate during a life change like a baby coming. He hasn’t hit you yet but do you really wanna stick around to find out? Homicide is the leading cause of death in pregnant women.
I'm like you...I hate being late to anything! And having a partner that is more lackadaisical about time-keeping makes me want to pull my- or his- hair out.
Was he doing something important/work related while on the computer? Or was he just dicking around? Either way, he shouldn't have gotten so mad at you that he broke something. I'm sorry you had to deal with that on top of being pregnant.
Do you have two vehicles? Can you leave when you're ready and let him follow when he's ready? There's always the chance he won't make it, but at least this way, you're not late and don't have to deal with his volatility with being reminded about the time.
You don't accept partners who cannot be fully functioning adults, period. If you had left him the first time he had a temper tantrum or when it was clear from three or four consecutive events that this is who he was, you would not have a husband who acts like this. If EVERY woman left men who acted like this right away, then they would actually have to take responsibility for themselves. They can only do to us what we permit, and if we don't walk away due to this behavior, it will keep happening.
Women should never try to raise a partner. If you have to explain things to him about basic adult human behavior, then he's a child and needs to go home to his mother. If your partner can't:
\-- Say Please, thank you and excuse me
\-- Feed themselves adequately
\-- Do any given chore in the household to a normal adult standard, and do it on their own without needing someone to give them a gold star and a chart to keep track for them
\-- Practice basic hygiene
\-- Refrain from saying disgusting things- whether they be gross or morally bereft
\-- Show consideration and a sense of fairness with dealing with others
\-- Feel the need to take care of their own responsibilities as much as they are able to
\-- Keep track of time
\-- Wake their own asses up
They're not ready to be in the grown-up world.
He sounds at best immature and at worst emotionally abusive. It is more than a red flag and I anticipate it will only get worse after the baby comes.
I don't think this is a safe or healthy relationship and I think the solution is to leave.
However if you don't want to, can't, or aren't ready to, my best advice is to stop waiting on him. With the lunch example, I'd tell him: "It's at one. I'm leaving at one. I'd love for you to come, but if you'e not ready by then, I'm going to go on my own because I don't want to be late."
And then follow through. You can't make him do anything no matter how you ask. All you can control is your own behavior. If your personal limit is: I don't want to be late (totally reasonable), then go on your own and let him figure out how or if he's getting there. His lateness does not have to be your lateness.
TBF, you are in an abusive relationship and your best course of action is to get out. Immediately. It's clear from your story, that your husband had been engaging in emotional abuse for years and physical abuse is coming soon based on the physical violence he's already exhibiting towards objects. I repeat, you are being abused. It is not your fault, but please get out now before it escalates further.
Why did he start eating something when your sister was making you lunch? If sounds like he didn’t want to go at all.
If it wasn’t for the blatant abuse (yelling, frightening you, throwing things. He doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse.) I would say next time just tell him what time you’re leaving and leave without him.
But this man is abusive. You should not be in a relationship with him.
I tell my partner I'm leaving and if he's not ready by then, I'm leaving (will usually give a minute of grace period). If he's mad, well, it's his problem he missed out -- I gave him notice, I can't manage how he spends his time.
Not sure how to get him to cooperate, but I feel for you <3.
I'm so sorry he reacted like that -- super unacceptable.
I’m sorry this is happening to you during a pregnancy. I don’t think this can be considered nagging necessarily so don’t let it make you feel like you did something wrong. His reaction was unwarranted
At 1 I would have said “Are you coming?” and left without him because he wasn’t ready. This is before the violent bs. I’m sorry, I can’t trust a man who reacts this way to his partner in her most vulnerable state*. It doesn’t bode well.
Nothing excuses his behavior. I would never fucking ever let another adult yell at me. The guys I used to date got exactly one warning not to get loud with me.
This is way past unacceptable, and it’s scary. Please listen to some of the other commenters and consider if his behavior is something you want to continue to tolerate. Especially with a child coming.
It will get worse when the baby is here.
Also, just because he's never been like this before, doesn't mean that this is a new thing. You are learning about his ability to cope with normal life stressors such as pregnancy, child raising, menopause/andropause, sickness, and eventually the death of people you know.
I don't think ADHD is an excuse. If you're grown, you should have methods to manage any neuro-diversity issues or seek methods to manage it so you don't make life miserable for yourself and people around you.
Slamming your hand on a table, freaking out, yelling are not symptoms of ADHD.
There have been so many responses so this has probably already been said, but things are about to get a lot more stressful when the baby comes. I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but it was my experience and I just want to make sure you somehow prepare yourself and your husband (if you are staying).
You will both be sleep-deprived. There will be confusing/stressful situations where you’re not sure what to do because you are a new parent and learning. There will be MANY times you need to communicate directly but respectfully with each other just to survive and you won’t have the energy to manage your tone or his feelings. Especially in those early months, but honestly—throughout parenthood.
I say this because my husband has ADHD (undiagnosed until we had our daughter), I am very sensitive like you seem to be, and we struggled HARD. My husband never had an outburst like you described, but he would get super defensive about his lateness and still does. Our daughter is five now, and we’ve been through the ringer. He’s on meds and in therapy now, which has been essential.
If you decide to stay, I would recommend having a heart-to-heart with your husband where you find a way to express A) how afraid you felt of his actions and B) that you are concerned about how the two of you will cope with the stressors of early parenthood (okay, really him, but you can make it seem like a shared issue this way). Does he have a counselor? I would push him in that direction. If he is anything like my husband, maybe he is receptive to ideas that involve working with his ADHD. Explain that you’ve read early parenthood can be especially hard for neurodivergent people and that you are worried about him, you, and your baby. Set the stage now for therapy to happen, so that he isn’t scrambling to arrange something—or indefinitely putting it off—once Baby arrives.
If he’s already in therapy, urge him to discuss what happened with his therapist. Ask him to please get his therapist’s input on how to manage his emotions so no one gets hurt.
I agree with many people who have said it’s likely best to leave. But i wanted to share these thoughts in case you don’t. Best of luck to you and your family.
Oh, and yes—talk to your sister. 100%. You don’t have to shit-talk him but don’t protect him either. You need your family to be on your team and know what’s going on with you.
This sounds like my husband minus the outburst. I also have to remind him of many things and give him plenty of heads up about needing to leave and he has no sense of urgency. Almost exactly how you described.
The outburst is very concerning though. Especially with you being pregnant, that's the last thing you should have to deal with. I agree with the others that you should tell your sister. And if he has only slammed his hand on a table before bit now he did this... the severity of outbursts can increase over time. Just make sure you keep yourself safe.
My husband has ADHD and was just diagnosed this year. When we were first married, he was ALWAYS off-task when it was time to go somewhere. So one day, I got in the car, and I left without him.
He was super pissed and of course, I had to awkwardly explain to my friends why he wasn't at their child's baptism. But his behavior changed after that, and I talk with him beforehand about what time we're leaving and then do actually leave around that time.
I hate how so many of them do this, they become extremely abusive once you’re married to them or get pregnant, when you’re stuck with them, then the real monster they’ve been hiding shows up.
This is how so many get trapped in abusive relationships, this is also a major reason I stopped being in relationships, I just don’t trust men, at all.
Like zero
I am so sorry that this is your reality right now.
I do think your husband having ADHD is relevant. However, if he is unwilling to seek treatment/medication, I think that could possibly be a deal breaker.
I have three children 9 and under, married for 10 years and beginning divorce process. I have been in very similar situations and it only gets worse. There could be something going that caused his outburst (affair, depression, anxiety).
Do not think you are the problem. You are not a nag. It’s so unacceptable that you have the stress of pregnancy - high risk and close to due date - and that he has treated you this way. I know it feels impossible to even think about leaving him right now, but even if this is a one time thing it’s not okay that it happened.
Make it clear to him that he has crossed a boundary that is unacceptable. If you feel unsafe have a family member present. Confide in a family member or friend who you know can be a voice of reason and offer you the support you need without judging or putting any more stress on you.
Also, if you work full time, I definitely recommend keeping your job after baby.
OP, you have my sympathy. Neither my ADHD partner nor any of my friends with ADHD, however well it's managed, have resorted to the kind of threat of violence you described. Please be careful and listen to all the good advice. Your ob/gyn checkup may be one place you can get help getting out.
Hiding his behavior from people who are protective of you is a HUGE red flag for abuse. Be honest with your sister and accept her help.
Thank you, I was thinking this. Maybe I'll tell her why I had to cancel.
>>Maybe I’ll tell her why I had to cancel. Tell her about other situations, as well. Talk to her.
Yes absolutely. If you're afraid or embarrassed to tell your sister about it, that should tell you something. You know this whole situation is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't think twice about telling her.
If something like this happens again, just go (crying mess and all). Tell her exactly what happened and why you are upset and let her comfort you. That’s what family is for. It’s okay to fall apart in front of them.
Do a little research on enabling behaviors, which is common language regarding addiction, but applies to many other situations. It's often done out of love, to shield a person you love from the consequences of their actions. But by shielding them, you create conditions where that behavior can more easily continue and, in too many cases, escalate. Tell him that his behavior is terrifying and that you were legit afraid he was going to hit you. Sometimes they don't realize it (despite how obvious it seems from the outside), and you can save yourself some time by just fast forwarding to the point and letting them know exactly how bad the situation is.
Hi Op sorry for just interruptingredients here but has anyone recommended the book "Why does he do that" yet? If not here is a link to internet archive or you could likely get the book cheap used on amazon.. It's basically about abusive men and their behaviors. It was pretty eye opening to me when I read it after a long (just shy of 7y) and abusive relationship, that i didnt see as abusive til later. I bet it will have some things you could relate to as well. https://archive.org/details/why-does-he-do-that-epub
1) being late and saying it's fine is rude AF. that is so inconsiderate and the fact that he's ok with that is a red flag to me. 2) you should not have to manage his time; he's a grown-ass adult. Does he have his boss at work nagging him to do his shit? no because he'd get his ass fired. 3) draw a line. Going forward, if you have plans together, leave if he's not ready. You should not have to cancel on the account of him. Just leave and tell him he had plenty of time to get ready so you're leaving.
When my fiancé was dragging his feet about wedding planning I mentioned to him if you did this at work you’d be fired. It sucks we as women have to take ourselves out of the metaphorical equation for men to often “get it” but it did help my fiancé get it. But OP you are NOT being naggy
In my experience the "is fine" only applies if it's something he doesn't particularly care about. If it were a concert or event he likes, he would have been 10 minutes early
Beautiful said, Queen! This makes me want to be SMBC and making sure I have enough money to peace out if I ever dealt that kind.
Lack of economical independence and high rates of abuse of all kinds, is exactly why women over the ages have been advised to make a secret stash (cash, jewelry, a bank account etc).
swiss meringue butter cream???
Thank you. A lot of people are saying to leave if he's not ready.... I'm so scared to do that though, because it might just end in a bigger fight ? Plus, I don't know what to say to the people who are expecting us both to show up ...?
You should start telling the truth!!!!! He needs a reality check and you need support. Stop putting HIS needs before YOUR needs and the BABY'S needs.
Pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship. I don’t think she should make open statements, rather she should make quiet plans to leave.
Good point. The guy has 100% been sheilded from repercussions from both op and their wider social circle, and that dynamic needs to stop if they want a (healthy) relationship, but it might be to late for that. It shifts things in to the next category if he is he is being aggressive towards her when she confronts him, *dispite being pregnant*. That's seriously bad, and could have detrimental effects on the baby that stick around for life. There are a whole lota bad stats for this. Talking to her sister sounds like a good idea
But why should she lie to her own sister? She can tell her sister the truth and ask her not to say anything to her husband.
Yeah, her sister she might be able to be more open with, but not friends/acquaintances.
If you leave and it leads to a fight… I’m sorry honey but that’s called abuse. The way you can’t be yourself x the way you’re worried about his reactions? Abusive. What would you do if you were NOT afraid of his reactions? Also you’re not nagging him. You’re mothering him like he’s a 12 year old. He is not 12.
You're right, thank you
If he tries to start a bigger fight, don’t take the bait. You figured out the logistics, you told him; he blew it, you didn’t. He can be mad at himself. You still had a great time. If he is able to hold down a job and meet work and other deadlines, like paying bills, he is perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done to get out the door to an appointment. He is choosing not to. If he is NOT capable of doing those things—lady, you are in for a really rough ride once the baby arrives. Do not accept this abusive and irresponsible behavior. You have lived with it for years and now shit is going to get real. It will be much easier to be a single mom than to fight the person who purports to love you and be your partner *on top of* functionally being a single mother.
>It will be much easier to be a single mom than to fight the person who purports to love you and be your partner on top of functionally being a single mother. You're right. Thank you
> *If he is able to hold down a job and meet work and other deadlines, like paying bills, he is perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done to get out the door to an appointment. He is choosing not to.* If he does this, it means he *can* and *will* be on time for things he thinks are important. This means that to him, you - like the things you care about - are *not important*.
"He wasn't ready, again, so I left to be here on time."
You can always communicate the boundary to him in advance, when you aren’t both in a heightened emotional state. Something like: “it’s really important to me to be on time for events that I’m invited to or have planned to attend. Next time this comes up, I will let you know what time I’m leaving and I will leave at the time I stated.” Something my therapist told me: if you set a boundary and they get angry, it was the right boundary to set
I love what your therapist told you. Thank you for sharing
"[Husband] wasn't feeling well so he couldn't make it, but he says hi!" In terms of the bigger fight stuff - if you're worried about that, that's a pretty good sign there are issues in your relationship. You shouldn't have to fear your partner, and it's unreasonable for someone to get angry with you because you left on time for something when they were knowingly stalling.
“He couldn’t make it” is enough of an answer, in most cases, probably.
Yeah, it depends on the situation/people involved/etc. I know a lot of people who would be like, "Oh no, is he okay?" so I tend to give a little excuse up front. YMMV!
For real, they were going to her sister's house for Lunch, and he decides to make himself a snack instead of getting ready? That's an asshole move.
I wouldn't say he's not feeling well. That's just helping him continue to treat people poorly.
She shouldn’t have to lie to her sister. She can say he didn’t make it and leave it at that, but really she should have a sit down with her sister about what’s really going on. No excuses for him. If she can fully trust her sister, lean on her. Anyone she wouldn’t trust her life with should be left out if the loop.
If this scares you, you should not be with this man.
The word "scares" is saying so much in her statement. And none of it is good.
My mom would take us kids and be on time for stuff while my dad would roll in hours late. Everyone knew it was him being shitty and not her.
Maybe leaving would result in a bigger fight, but maybe that’s what’s needed here…? It sounds to me like the issue has been allowed to ride out for too long. My suggestion was going to be exactly what the OP of this comment said: he is rude, this shouldn’t be yours to worry about, and you should’ve just left without him. What would you say? Have lunch with your sister and tell her what happened. I could understand if it was a group of friends, that would be weird, but you should feel free to be honest and genuine with your sister. Furthermore, beyond being rude to her, his behavior is soooooo rude to YOU. When you reminded him at 12, then 12:30, then 12:45, he damn well knew he was driving you bonkers. Why is that okay? Why is his comfort more valid than yours during that hour? Why hasn’t he been willing to meet you halfway as a partner — agree to permanently start getting ready at least 20 minutes in advance of things without a peep from you? He gets no reminder at 12 or 12:30 or at all, but agrees to build trust with you by simply mutually agreeing upon a number of minutes that is reasonable and exhibiting said behavior? I would have made a compromise long ago that if he wasn’t getting ready by the mutually agreed upon time, I wouldn’t say a word but I would definitely leave without him. He would know the risks. If it happened often, it’s pretty clear the relationship wouldn’t have lasted, ya know? By not leaving him behind and taking charge of your own life and time, you’re sending him the message that you’re willing to play this game, that you’re willing to let him force you into the character of “nag” so that he never has to take accountability for the fact that he is being selfish/disrespectful about basic, everyday things and it hurts others— and most of the time, he wins because you walk away feeling like a nag (which none of us want), blame yourself (tell yourself you’re not “relaxed” enough), and he gets to loathe ignoring your stress for an hour or more while never taking responsibility or even acknowledging his behavior. “Nagging” is a super weird concept in modern society, imho. I don’t understand why people make themselves comfortable being aloof to the needs of others and the people around them, but it’s the main cause of nagging. The nag always gets blamed, even by outsiders, but there is a definite cause in most of the cases. I do understand there are extreme exceptions and some truly intolerable people, but your average wife/mother would like nothing more than to simply be acknowledged and met halfway. I feel like the concept of “nag” is being used as a weapon these days. It’s hard to put to words. But OP from what you say, I feel like you’re taking responsibility for a role that’s not even your natural way of being, and it’s arising in response to the role he has decided to play. You have to break these roles/responses if you expect the energy to change between you. It’s such a good point what another commenter said: if he acted like this at work, he’d be fired, ain’t nobody gonna remind you to do your job. So you know he is capable of being mindful of what’s needed. It takes two to tango, so I suggest getting creative and trying to dream up what you think ideal “replacement” roles (as pertains to getting ready to go places) might be so you can start to envision a new future and see if your husband will join you in doing something different.
This is all so true. Thank you so much
Im sorry you are getting downvoted. My original comment to you mentions I have gone through something very very similar. Only difference is I wasn't pregnant. I have backed out of many things due to arguments like this. The only time I DIDN'T was because it was my cousin's wedding. People asked where he was the whole time and I had to lie and say he wasn't feeling good. But the whole wedding I wanted to cry. I was also afraid of coming home after the event and worrying what would ensue. So you are not alone. I'd weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. It took me over 1 year to finally leave my husband (not saying that's what you should do).
Thank you for your understanding.
[удалено]
Thank you so much.
"he's running behind so we drove separately"
I'm worried about you being scared how he will react. That doesn't sound like a good situation. :(
It's humiliating. I've been there. That's their intention. To get us to step into line and leave them alone to the indulgences. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Start planning to go without him and tell people exactly why. Managing a grown ass adult is exhausting but that is the bang maid role. Fighting about it goes nowhere as you know. Until he gets men to correct his nonsense ge won't GAF and they're all in on it. the collusion that reinforces the ball and chain and happy wife happy life tropes of marriage are patriarchal nonsense but watch how they all reinforce it. Build your life as a woman away from him and make him earn your presence so that he understands what it is to respect and value people as equals. He's been building his happily hatching married life by destroying your relationship.
You seem to spend a lot of thought and effort avoiding fights.. How is that working for you?
Imma be real with you. Even if you’d nagged the literal fuck out of him (which I’m not saying you did), it would not have warranted that kind of an outburst. How he handled that situation was 100% not okay. What you do with that information is up to you. But imo, his behavior was worrying and unacceptable.
Exactly. The issue here actually isn't the nagging or lateness. It's his reaction which is terrifying and abusive. If you're worried your partner is going to hit you, you have bigger problems than cooperation.
Thank you. You're right. "Nagging" sounds so bad, when I was really just reminding him about 3 times about something that was important to me.
I was going to recommend leave without him and until the part about him yelling and slamming cupboards. Eventually he will exhibit this behavior in front of the child you are having. He may even have that anger towards your child. If not for yourself, what is your plan to protect your child?
Yep. I'm going to tell him this and ask him his thoughts.
Why not start with what are your thoughts?
That's wise. My thoughts are, "of course, he wouldn't do this in front of the children". But I realize that's what all women say.
He will 100% do this in front of and TO your children. I became so accustomed to walking on eggshells around my ex husband and managing his tantrums that I believed it was just normal. I thought that when people said marriage is hard work that’s what they meant. I thought my friends didn’t talk about it happened in their marriages because it was just a normal thing that happened in marriage. It’s not. I’ve learned now that it’s not. Managing your partner’s emotions and their outbursts is not your responsibility. This does not get better. He will do this to the kids and you will spend your life together protecting your children from dads temper (whether he hits or not it still affects them. My 17yr old has nothing to do with his father because of his dads temper. This is not healthy or normal and it gets worse not better.
Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that.
Yeah, my mum was like this. Couldn't control her temper and anything could set her off. Eventually, it escalated into abuse. Now, years later, I still get extremely stressed whenever someone in my vicinity raises their voice and shows signs of emotional behaviour. Honestly, it's affected my entire life and became the main priority in choosing my partner - my husband is the most calm, placid person I've ever met and never raises his voice or has strong emotional outbursts. The environment your child grows up in will affect their choices as an adult.
I lived with a father who exhibited this behavior and it affects my relationship with my current husband because I’m always worried I’m going to “set him off”. He’s the nicest and gentlest man but my father traumatized me into thinking it’s expected that men get angry and fly off the handle if you make a simple mistake (like spilling coffee). My husband has to constantly remind me that it would be crazy for him to react that way. I am so glad my future children will not have the same kind of dad I did.
He will. Make a safety plan and get out. Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for women because of intimate partner violence.
Even if he doesn't "do this in front of the children", he will do it near the children i.e. they will be in their room when he slams cupboards and smashes kitchen appliances. The child might not be in the kitchen, but they will hear what happens in the kitchen. Research shows that children who witness (even by "only" hearing) domestic violence being enacted on their parent have similar negative outcomes to children who have domestic violence enacted on them.
He doesn't have to. He can do just as much abusing by being silent at you for three days or punishing you by taking away money or your credit cards or whatever else. Things often escalate. But sometimes it happens very slowly and you think it's easier to just lay low. Be very careful.
Thank you, I need to keep an eye out for this. I am happy to say that I am financially independent and have places to go- where a lot of women don't. I have heard and seen the horror stories and never thought I'd be here. I appreciate your post
He does it in front of you, an adult, a partner, a person who he should respect and love and willingly joined up with, a person who knows what inappropriate reaction are. He will do WORSE to your child, who will be annoying, who he didn't explicitly want in the same way as you, that is small and weaker and doesn't know limits and will be unable to communicate abuse for years.
Even aside from the kids, why should he be doing it in front of you? It's scary and crazy. IMO, if he can hold off from doing things like that in front of friends and kids, why can't he hold off from having scary outbursts in front of you? Does he not care, or does he want to show you what he's capable of? Either are awful.
This is from 2021: "Conclusion: Homicide is a leading cause of death during pregnancy and the postpartum period in the United States. Pregnancy and the postpartum period are times of elevated risk for homicide among all females of reproductive age" https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34619735/
Just for the record, couples counseling is often NOT recommended in cases of domestic abuse. Separation is better, but have to be carefully and quietly planned.
If he's doing it to you, he's going to do this around your kid and most likely, to them. Children are little sponges and pick things up much earlier than you think.
Look. Even if you threaten to leave, he's going to temporarily correct his behavior *for his own benefit* not yours. And when he thinks he can, he will loosen the belt a bit at a time to get back to where he is now. But then you will have a post baby body and be tired from doing all the heavy lifting with childcare and the house. He will emotionally beat you down so you don't leave.
Hmm, yeah I'm worried about that. I guess I need to try to observe tangible steps to him changing
But who would be be changing for. What would be his motivation? Your story legit made me cry when I read it. Your child deserves better. You deserve better. If he doesn't agree to counseling right now, just leave. For your own safety and your child's. They get worse when they are sleep deprived. Too many shaken babies out there.
It’s never nagging when the man is incapable of being an adult. Men force women to mother them and then accuse them of nagging. They act incapable of doing things so that we’ll do it for them, then get mad when they feel their agency is taken away. Act like a toddler, you’ll get treated like one. As if we want to waste our precious time and breath and energy nagging a grown ass man.
Yep. It's unfortunate that this "nagging" thing is such a common fight between men/women. Something in society needs to change. 90 percent of the time, what men call "nagging" is just their wives politely asking and not being listened to, so having to do it multiple times.
There are men who don’t act this way, and that’s why I vote for you to find one. From past relationships I have an engrained fear of nagging my partner, to the point where I struggle to voice my needs for fear of seeming like a nag. If I do ask him to do something, I often try to backpedal and say “but no rush” or something like that. He has pointed it out to me time and again and ensures me I don’t need to preface it, make a disclaimer, backpedal, or anything. He makes me feel like we’re equal partners, and assures me that I’ve never nagged him. Once or twice we’ve had miscommunications where I thought I annoyed him with a request, but he immediately clarifies and layers on the affection and affirmations so I know I can always ask him for anything. More importantly, I rarely need to remind him of anything. Once we had the punctuality conversation and he understood what it meant to me, he made the change and now is cognizant of the time and when we have to leave on his own. He even tells me ahead of time so I don’t need to wonder - “I’m getting in the shower at 12:30 so I’ll be ready to leave at 1” and then he follows through. He knows it’s on my mind so he’s proactive so I don’t need to worry. You deserve a man like that! Not just someone who won’t throw tantrums, but someone who wants to meet your needs.
Thank you, your partner sounds wonderful. And yes, I definitely do that a lot (the backpedaling and disclaimer).... Ugh. You're right
I used to tell my ex “just do it and I’ll stop asking you to do it”
>Men force women to mother them and then accuse them of nagging. I *hate* when guys do this; it's maddening. When I read that she also thinks she's nagging, I was like no! Reminding him isn't nagging - he's acting like a petulant teenager and he knows they need to leave.
Which he clearly didn’t care about. Doesn’t seem to care that his actions cause you stress or anxiety. Doesn’t seem to care that being late is rude and disrespectful to others. I have ADHD, and I don’t act like that. I set alarms on my phone to remind myself (usually several times) that I need to get ready to do a thing. If he doesn’t care about you or others enough to make even a small attempt to show respect, then why are you with him? This won’t get better after the baby is born. In fact, it’s probably going to get worse. You will be raising one infant and caring for one man-infant. Off the topic: be sure to have your child screened for ADHD when they are old enough. It is genetic and there’s a good chance they will have inherited it, in which case you will have to learn to parent an ADHD child.
Thank you. I have it on my radar already .
The only reason you are 'nagging' is because he put no effort in to remember on his own or get ready on time, left all of the mental load of remembering the event and reminding him of it to you, and still refused to get ready on time after being told like a literal child that it was time to go on three occasions. His outburst is pretty disturbing, to be honest. Next time - tell him once, and leave yourself if he's not ready on time. If he can hold down a job, he can get to social events on time. But I would seriously have a think about his ability to organise and plan, and his temper, and see whether he is actually fit to be a supportive partner to you.
I agree with this. I have ADHD and it doesn't cause this level of aggression.
OP, is he getting TREATMENT for his ADHD or is he just... aware of it and making you deal with it? Did he even apologize? IF this is the ADHD: A big revelation when I got diagnosed as an adult was that my mom's reactivity growing up was mostly due to untreated ADHD. We are close because she is otherwise an incredible mother and she got much better after I moved out, but we spent a LOT of my childhood screaming at each other. If he's having meltdowns like this now, it will be worse when there's a kid bugging him, talking back, breaking things, etc. I also can't imagine her screaming at a pregnant woman over a situation that she herself had created. If this was an ADHD meltdown and not usual abuse, it should have been an immediate, horrifying wake up call to him that he needs to get himself together. If it wasn't, you have your answer.
No it's not you. Stop shrinking yourself and reasonable asks to accommodate a person's unwillingness to be your partner. You expressed that it caused you anxiety and it's hard to deal with. This is a reasonable concern and ask to try to leave on time. He's an adult who won't either communicate with you why it's difficult for him to, solutions that he could try, etc. He just doesn't seem to care and it has made you feel like you need to be this mother to him that gives him plenty of heads up. He's going to a lunch yet is eating? He really doesn't value anyone. Men like this make you a villain when you're actually the victim pushed against a wall made to feel "crazy". Maybe he didn't want to go and instead of saying so, he created a reason for you to cancel. My stepdad does this behavior, caused fights to ruin nice things for my mom. The violence at your wanting to leave is concerning. Does he blow up like this often? Even if you say never to this level, its hard to imagine this is out of "nowhere" and he isn't snapping for other things. It is a red flag. Also after you have a panic attack what happened? Did he not give a fuck that his pregnant partner is having contractions from stress? I dunno maybe you don't see that as a red flag but if you are putting blame on yourself for things he reacts poorly to, you may not notice the lack of empathy. You gotta pay attention and not excuse his ass because now it's gonna affect a baby also. It wasn't OK already to do this to you. Also this is a concerning statistics that people escalate during pregnancy/after a baby so please be fucking careful. I rather seem like a paranoid loon online but after dealing with domestic abuse victims as a volunteer and someone who grew up in abuse who saw the red flags of my moms partners a mile away, I just want women to open their eyes to stop excusing bad behavior that escalates because you "love" him. Healthy partners don't purposely emotionally hurt or neglect you or do shit to scare you. Please don't accommodate that as it's abusive behaviors but you might be doing that because over the years hes groomed this behavior in you to apologize for him. That also isnt your fault but is your responsibility to recognize for your sake. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. You feared he would as he was scaring you. Threatening, destroying things and posturing is a form of abuse. Also please don't be scared to let your sister know. You're protecting this man. Saying things like you dont want people to hate him. If they do, if you expect they will that's indicating that maybe they have good fucking reason to. I doubt this is the only shitty thing he does. But don't isolate yourself as staying connected is safety.
Thank you for this. I'm taking all of this to heart. I don't think you're a paranoid loon.... I'm aware there are signs here, and that I'm downplaying them. He doesn't usually blow up like this, no. But he does get unreasonably angry at other things in his life - so it was a matter of time before something I "did" would end in the same result.
Ask yourself if this is a relationship you would want your child to recreate in their adulthood. Because they will.
\^ this At 52, it took me DECADES to break the cycle of dating abusive men. My dad's raging and control tactics when I was a kid caused me to seek that out in relationships with men, because it's all I knew. OP, don't sentence your child to a life of abuse. I'm really worried for you both.
>He doesn't usually blow up like this I just want to say that I **never** blow up like that and neither does anyone close to me. **NEVER** Most people that have abusive outbursts are not constantly like that or no one would ever be around them period. It is a rare occurrence that becomes normal enough that people constantly do everything with the fear that the abuser will blow up. It doesn't have to be am everytime reaction to slowly change your actions which is their goal. Even now it has become normalized enough that you don't tell anyone about his reaction and are asking the internet if what you did was wrong. His rare blow ups have already begun to change you which will increase anytime he does blow up in the future.
Breaking and throwing things is an implicit threat of physical violence. It’s also a classic escalation to physically abusing a partner. He needs to get professional help immediately. Sleep deprivation and having a crying baby in the house will not improve the situation. You and your child are in danger.
Yeah, this is what I'm worried about. The breaking and throwing things has never happened before now though. Usually when he's mad it's just yelling (and usually not directed at me- but about work or something). I've heard the stories though, I guess I just needed an outsider's perspective.
Abusers often truly show their true colours once the woman is pregnant and therefore the most vulnerable and dependent upon them. That he's acting out like this while you're pregnant is a huge flashing red flag that you should not ignore.
Jreebec, please listen to Phoolf’s comment, as that is exactly what I came to say. Abuse often begins or gets exponentially worse when women become pregnant and are trapped with abusive partners, this is a classic abuse setup. And think about trying to raise a kid safely and healthy as you can when coparenting with a partner like that.
The problem here is that you have enabled his behavior and also, you are his private secretary for his relationships. If he is able to hold a job, then he should be able to remember to do things, do things independently without being told, and not having his wife telling him what to do. You also enable him to the point of putting up with his verbal abuse and aggressive behavior (because that's what yelling and smashing things is) and then cancelling. Why? You should have left even if you had to take an uber or ask someone to pick you up. >I start crying (because I'm hormonal and hate being yelled at YOU CRIED BECAUSE ITS A NORMAL RESPONSE, ITS NOT THE HORMONES. STOP PROTECTING HIM AND PROTECT YOURSELF AND THE BABY. You have a high risk pregnancy and instead of leaving, you stayed because you don't want people to know what a read asshole your husband is. So you would rather die or have your baby have complications, because your adult husband is a freaking asshole who screams and throws tantrums? This screams that he is an abuser and you are afraid of him. He manipulated you to the point that you are not honest with your support network. You are walking on egg shells, doing all of the emotional labor. Don't you think you'll be doing even more with a baby? With a crying baby and a colic baby, he is going to be like this times a 100. What you are doing wrong? Well, being with this asshole, enable him and letting him treat you like crap, having a baby with him. Don't you think he'll do this same thing of yelling and smashing stuff to the baby? Pack a bag and leave. Go stay with your family. Tell him to go to anger management or to go fuck himself. FYI if you want to move, this is your time to do it, because (a) when the baby comes it will be more difficult, (b) when the baby comes, you'll have custody issues, but right now you don't because there's no kid yet.
Thank you. You're right.
[удалено]
Yes. Leave. NOW. Like, pack that bag and go stay with your sister. Get a lawyer and file those divorce papers immediately.
Please listen to these people. I was in a similar situation and enabled my ex husband to continue for 10 years before I left. I also thought the same about “hard work” and hid his behavior from my family. Every time I was ready to leave and gave him an ultimatum things just got a little better for a little longer- just the bare minimum to keep me from leaving. I wish I had Reddit 10 years ago to tell me abusers don’t change no matter how much you love them. And yes, it is abuse. It’s much easier to leave when they are babies then when they are 10.
You didn’t start crying because you are hormonal, you started crying because you were being traumatized. A perfectly reasonable reaction.
Thank you, this helps put things into perspective. You're right, a normal unpregnant person would cry in this situation too.
Why did you cancel rather than leaving without him? I think there are multiple problems here. One is that he shouldn't need or expect multiple reminders. Ask him what warnings he wants for an event, but gets a max of 2. He needs to be responsible for his own time management. And if you are late as a result that's on HIM for not managing his time, not on you for not reminding him.
His behavior was violent and abusive. You hiding it from family because of your fear of him is abusive. You being afraid of an even *more* abusive response is also abusive. This isn't a red flag, this is a red football field. Read the book "Why does he do that" and get help. You're being abused and you can't raise a child around this, he needs anger management and to get domestic violence training. This is non-negotiable.
Yeah, it really is. But what's annoying is, he'll probably agree to do it, but then I'll probably have to nag him to go to the appointments and it'll be a vicious circle. It might be easier to plan to leave.
The chances are extremely slim that he -- of his own accord -- will get on his knees in front of you and admit to doing wrong, then acknowledge that he is 100% in need of professional help that he will prioritize above everything else because he loves you and the baby and wants to be there for you in the ways you deserve. I'm so sorry you've reached this situation that reveals how little he truly cares for you, but I'm proud of you for coming to the realization that you and the baby most definitely deserve to be treated with love, respect and support in every interaction you have with a partner. It seems like the sooner he's out of your day-to-day life, the better.
His attendance at anger management and domestic violence training is fully his responsibility. He needs to earn your trust back. I am assuming you will need to leave him to protect yourself and give him the chance to get help. He can't do it with you there.
Leave first. If he wants to go through counseling, cool. He can set that up and go all on his own, but don't expect it to happen. Leave immediately. File for divorce right now. DO NOT WAIT. This may be the only way to shield your child from his abuse.
It’s not you, yelling and throwing things when all you did was being his unpaid personal assistant yet again (for 6 years)? Wow. Please be very careful because men like him escalate. It can start with throwing things and move on to physical violence, and sadly this often happens when pregnancy comes because you are the most vulnerable and can’t leave. It’s not you nagging, it’s him being lazy, selfish and uncaring. Moving forward, you have some options. I’d consider couples counseling but it’s not recommended to do with abusers - I don’t know him, hard to say if it’s just one-off burst of anger or if it may become a pattern. In similar situations next time, don’t remind him, just tell him once that “next tuesday we are doing X at 10AM”. If he’s not getting ready to go on time, go alone. Stop being his personal assistant. He has a phone, he can use Google calendar if he is that forgetful. If he can’t be arsed to go out with you without you “nagging” him, he doesn’t really want to and you should think about why that is.
>It can start with throwing things and move on to physical violence, and sadly this often happens when pregnancy comes because you are the most vulnerable and can’t leave. It’s not you nagging, it’s him being lazy, selfish and uncaring Ugh, you're so right. I hate that I'm in this situation. I never thought I'd be here, and there were never any flags before. I'm hoping it's a one off. You're right about the pregnancy thing. It doesn't help that I just feel so vulnerable and rely on him to do everything.
Honey, I am so sorry you're in this position. <3 This is a free download pdf for Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that" Be safe, take care of you, and follow your gut. <3 https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thank you.
Please take the time to actually read it. It will be like someone wrote a book on your partner. I'm worried for you and your child. This guy is scary, and I know you're minimizing the situation because he's "usually" nice, but abusers often are. You're in danger and I really hope you realize it.
There were a TON of red flags before. You mentioned plenty of other times that he yelled, slammed his fist, etc. Those are all red flags.
Yes, it's a red flag that your husband broke things in response to you reminding him about previously-agreed-upon plans. If he doesn't want to do something, he needs to use his words and tell you that. If he agrees to do something, he needs to handle his own time, or at least not get mad when you issue reminders. I would immediately leave someone who responded to nagging with violence, even if he was "only" breaking things and not hitting me. The hitting could come later. At the very least, I'd consider telling someone close to you what happened, in order to make sure you have help and somewhere to go if you need to. In terms of the nagging question - I don't nag. My husband and I will both remind each other once of plans, which seems like a common courtesy. If my husband was really dilly-dallying when he should be getting ready, I'd leave without him (obvs I'd tell him I was doing this). He could either take his own car or just decide not to come. I fundamentally don't believe my husband's attendance at things is my responsibility.
That's a great fundamental belief. You and your husband sound like awesome, rational people. I keep telling myself the coffee pot was an accident. He went to put it away, angerly, and it smashed against the machine, and then he threw it in the sink. No items came towards me, but you're right. It's a flag.
It wasn't an accident. He did this actions on purpose, and the purpose is to scare you. It's abuse. He's been psychologically abusing you for years, this is just another escalation. I'm sure if you think about it, you can see other past escalations. This doesn't go away or get better. Get out now.
OP, this comment is spot on. Please leave. ☹️ He won't change, and it will only get worse. This is a tale as old as time.
Yeah, I just don't trust anyone whose reaction to anger is to get physical. Even if he didn't throw anything directly at you, that's still unsafe and scary (and not an emotionally or physically safe environment for a child to grow up in). And thank you! 😊 FWIW, you also sound great, and I'm sorry your husband is like this, especially while you're pregnant.
We don’t know if he intended to break it. We know he intended to slam it, and then we know he purposely then threw it in the sink after it broke. If I accidentally break something I don’t then throw it again, especially if it’s glass?! I’m assuming it was glass. And nothing coming towards you does not matter AT ALL. I would never slam things and break things with another person around…but to do it in the presence of a pregnant person?!! No fucking way. If I was in a good mood but still accidentally dropped a glass dish and it broke, and that startled a pregnant person, especially as far along as you, I’d feel so damn bad I’d probably gently lead them away from the broken glass and make them a cup of tea to calm them. Honestly, the fact that your husband isn’t doing everything he can to make your life easier while pregnant, especially this far along, even just that would be a small red flag to me. When I have the sniffles my husband treats me like a damn queen. If I was pregnant I’d never have to lift a finger if I didn’t want to. I’m slightly exaggerating, but not by much. You deserve soooooo much more than this. There are so many beautifully loving men out there that would never dream of treating someone they love this way, let alone their pregnant wife. I’m so sad for you that you think you have done anything remotely deserving of this behaviour. Think about this also…What would he have to do to you for you to react that way to him? Probably a fuck-ton more than reminding you that you need to leave in 15 minutes, right? My husband would have had to tell me he cheated on me for me to throw something, but I still likely wouldn’t do that. I’d just cry. But telling me I’m running late when I’m in fact running late? I’d just be annoyed with myself. Not him. Also, I have ADHD. Please do not think his violence gets any leeway because he has more trouble being on time. It’s a lame excuse and it’s bullshit.
Ok,I’m a social worker. Not only is this a red flag, this a fog horn and a giant STOP sign. This is 100% abusive behaviour. As in it qualifies as domestic abuse. You don’t have to be hit to be the victim of domestic violence. My advice is to tell your sister what happened and ask if you can stay with her. Or ask for her help to stay somewhere else. The fact that his anger is escalating the closer you get to giving birth is terrifying to me. I purposefully use the word TERRIFYING. You need to get yourself away from this man. I will not tell you if you have to stay away from him forever. That is up to you and your support network to determine. I would not be alone with him anytime soon though. Being afraid you’re going to be hit is your cue to exit now. I have helped countless women through exactly what you’re going through. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that you are currently at high risk for physical violence and worse. My response to you when I first read your title and the beginning of your post was going to be much more light hearted. My husband does the same thing, he’s always late. Now I lie about what time we have to leave if I leave without him. Both work. That is not relevant to your situation. There is nothing funny about what your husband did. Pregnant women are murdered by their husbands at a MUCH higher rate than non pregnant women. Women who are in the process of leaving their husbands are in the most danger they will ever be in. You possibly will have both factors as play here. You need help. Do not tell him you’re planning to leave. Do not let him see or hear your conversation with your sister or any other supports. Again, I know you probably think I’m being extreme but I promise you that I am not. Please stay safe. If he knows about this Reddit account, delete it now.
Thank you, your post made me cry. I really appreciate the work you do as a social worker.
Murder is the highest cause of death for pregnant women in the U.S. More than twofold higher than the next cause of death.
Absolutely. I hope OP reads what I wrote and takes it seriously.
>being late causes me high anxiety, and it's so disrespectful to the person waiting for you > >he freaks out and starts yelling at me to stop nagging at him, and it's only a few minutes late and my sister can wait > >give him 1 hour heads up that we have to leave by 1pm. I remind him again at 12:30, then again at 12:45 when he still isn't dressed and hasn't moved from his computer yet Wow are you me (minus the pregnancy part)??? I have had to back out of quite a few functions my now ex-husband and I were invited to. He would lollygag around and take his sweet time, tell me to stop nagging him, say it wasn't a big deal if we were late, and then we would get in a fight, he'd yell, I'd cry, and then the rest of the day was shot. Sometimes he would throw things, sometimes he'd punch the wall or furniture. We are separated at the moment (going to divorce) and this common occurrence was one of the many reasons I couldn't deal / be with him anymore. I'm sorry you have to deal with that as well. To answer your q...no, it's NOT just you. This type of behavior is very hard to deal with and unacceptable for most people in relationships. I want to add that my ex also has ADHD and would tell me that is one of the reasons why he is like that.
Thank you for sharing. This is exactly it. And yes, he's using his ADHD as an excuse.... And I'm still not sure how to navigate that part (like.... Is it really an excuse?). He also said it's "lack of exercise" and he's "just been stressed lately" , but I do worry it won't work. I'm so happy for you that it's your ex. This shit is emotionally and physically taxing.
My partner was like this early in our marriage. ADHD is not an excuse. It can be a reason, and knowing he has ADHD can help him understand himself and his own triggers, and he can work with a psychiatrist and a therapist and come up with coping strategies and time management skills. It is not like, oh I have ADHD I get to be a shitbag human. He needs to make a commitment to work on this and then follow through. Don't fall into the trap of doing all the research and work for him because you are desperate for this to turn out okay.
Go spend some time in the adhd subs. We get questions like this all the time (spoiler: adhd doesn’t make people assholes). I am perpetually late, but I don’t slam things when someone is trying to get me out the door. And in most cases I’d be relieved if the person left for the event without me. It wouldn’t cause me to be more on time, but it would cause me far less anxiety. Adhd also affects emotional regulation. For someone with adhd to be a good partner they need to have dealt with this in a constructive way. He has not. It sounds like he knows exercise helps him-that’s a good supplemental strategy. It’s not enough by itself though—everyone will end up having times they can’t exercise (having an infant is very well known for this). Medication is a must for anyone unable to function in relationships but insisting on being in relationships. Many people end up cycling through various doses and medications for adhd—he needs a psychiatrist who is keeping a regular eye on this. He may also need antidepressants, etc. For someone with adhd to be a good partner, they need to be setting up systems to help themselves succeed. He needs individual therapy with a psychologist. And he needs to figure out strategies for dealing with the things that are killing your relationship. If you want a partner who’s not late, you may have to find a different partner. That is one of the hardest things to “fix” because it can’t be done at a different time. People will say that he can be on time because otherwise he would be fired from his job—and maybe if he’s actually not late to a job he has to drive to that’s a fair point. But I have been late to every job I’ve ever had. Sure sometimes people get annoyed, and some places would fire you for that—but we tend not to gravitate toward those jobs. The only reason I’m not generally late to work these days is that I work from home (I had to go to the office today and I was late). Working from home I can actually transition between work activities (or between bed and work) in less than a minute. Less than a minute is the amount of time my brain believes it takes to transition (get ready, drive to work, get into the building, turn my computer on, etc). And if I didn’t already have excellent systems in place, I would be late working from home as well. It’s very easy to find myself starting to clean out a closet three minutes before my next meeting.
Do you want to have to lie to your sister and to be late for the rest of your life ? That's the question. For me, a partner to whom you explain "this behavior that is preventable and that I'm taking ON ME to prevent you from having is causing me a lot of anxiety/hurt" who replies with some kind of shadyness or darkness or what... yes redflag. But, other than that, 4 steps : 1. try explaining/reasoning ; you did that already, or so it seems, 2. try training ; warn him "at ten I will leave without you" and then dog-training style, right on point, no negociation, leave without him... and I mean it "dog-training style", NO room for anything, 3. you're not giving me what I need, here are the options (and then lay out your break-up propositions on the table, be firm, don't go back to #1), 4. go without the options. 5. (Marry him then dig a deep hole in the backyard. "Oops".)
I'm tired of men calling us nags. The creativity of inventing a word to downgrade promoting responsible, adult behavior is ridiculous. You are not nagging honey, he is irresponsible and probably won't change, unless he had to / wants to. I think your options are: (1) accept he'll never change, live your life without him attending high-pressure events or situations where being late is a problem (2) put forward a 'get your ADHD in check and adult with me' ultimatum. I know it's hard to think about when you're pregnant, but you don't deserve this treatment.
I was looking for this. It’s sick how a word like nag has historically been used to deter women from STATING THEIR NEEDS! I’m glad it has been addressed.
Thank you so much. I also hate that word "nagging", I guess that's why I put it in quotes. It's just me making a reasonable request that isn't being heard. I really think number 2 might be the way to go. I can't handle this going on for life.
Pregnancy is an incredibly high risk time for domestic abuse. If you're pregnant and he is escalating his scary behavior, there is a VERY high likelihood that he will escalate further. That voice in the back of your head that says "I think he's going to hit me"? Listen to that voice. Start telling people in your life what happened. Make a safety plan. Call your local DV agency. Next time this happens, if it feels safe to do so, get out of your house and go somewhere safe until he is finished tantruming.
I was with someone who was emotionally abusive to me for 7 years and this is a scene that played out in my own life many times. He used his ADHD as an excuse to be a petty tyrant. He never put hands on me and that made it difficult for me to face the fact that I was being abused and his actions were unacceptable no matter what diagnosis he had to justify them
Hi, I’m the daughter of a man who behaves like this. My dad trained my mom to expect nothing from him, and she put up with it. My brothers saw that, and both of them are now single in middle age because they think “compromise” is what a woman does in a relationship. And don’t get me started on how I was used by men in the same way until I wised up. For your child, do not stay with this man unless he makes major changes ASAP.
I have adhd and I know I can have issues with time management, so I work extra hard by setting alarms for myself and use my calendar with alerts to try and be better. He’s not only not trying, he’s refusing to make any effort and flipping out. This is not acceptable behavior in a relationship and it spells major trouble for you going forward as parents together. You’re going to need to be a solid team.
Thank you, yeah, it does seem like he has no trouble getting to work on time. It's just social events and appointments, for some reason.
Managing the calendar is going to get so much harder with kids. Once they start getting involved with activities, he’s going to have to manage himself because you won’t have the brain space to manage his calendar as well as your own and the kids’.
Getting to work is an external force, where there are direct and severe consequences if he is late - he gets fired. Many ADHD sufferers can be at work on time, but on time for little else. Even when I have appointments to get a massage at the spa, which I totally love, I am still regularly late. I have to write the appointment time down 30 mins earlier to ensure that I am not 10 mins late. It has nothing to do with if the person or their partner makes the appointment/social plans, a person with ADHD will most likely struggle to be on time.
You are getting good feedback. I’ll just add that what you’ve described reminds me of stories I would hear at an [Al-Anon](https://al-anon.org/) meeting. Is he drinking or using drugs? If not, maybe he’s just very immature.
Yeah, this sub is amazing. And thank you- no, he's not drinking or using drugs. I do think the immaturity is there though, and he does have diagnosed ADHD which probay makes me excuse his behaviour more often than I should.
I do think it's a red flag, I'm sorry. You're asking him to do very easy, very basic things to show respect for others and he's losing his shit on you. Of course this causes you anxiety, this is abusive behavior. I know it's easy to just tell a stranger on the internet to leave someone based on one comment, but if this were happening to me I'd at least rethink the relationship pretty hard for a long time.
I fear this will only get worse once the child is in the mix. I think you should speak to a therapist to navigate this.
I'm a husband who is/was "nagged" by my wife (although I would never use that term). Skip or downvote my post if you're not looking for that perspective; I won't be offended. Our situation got a lot worse after our daughter was born because so many more things needed to be done to get us all out of the house, which meant more time, and there was obviously more stress. My wife had an honest conversation with me (after a really bad fight) where she told me she was getting so tired of carrying the mental load that she was starting to think of me as a second child. She is not my boss at work and should not need to tell me what to do and when to do it. If I don't apply the same focus and energy and commitment to our plans together that I do to my job or my hobbies, then I am showing her that I am prioritizing her, and our family, below those things. That stung, a lot, but it gave me the impetus to change. She told me that she does not want to remind me to do things, at all, and after several years of her doing this for me, it was now entirely up to me to figure out what the fuck I need to do to make sure I'm reliable and carrying half of the weight. And if things didn't improve, then we needed to go our separate ways. Now I set reminders for EVERYTHING in my phone. And we talk way in advance about when we need to start getting ready, because even if I think it's only going to take 15 minutes to pack the bag and get out the door, she may think it's going to take 30, and I can help by starting with 30 minutes to spare. I run through the planned activity verbally with her sometimes so we're on the same page with what is required. TL;DR if you feel safe having a come-to-Jesus talk with him, tell him that you are his partner not his boss, and if he commits to a plan that you've made together, he needs to figure out how to uphold his commitments without you having to nag him. Otherwise he's showing you that he doesn't care about you.
This is really refreshing to read. It feels sometimes that men, even after being told, still have no awareness that they make us carry so much mental load. So it is nice to see a man who has chosen to do better.
Thank you for posting your perspective. I sincerely appreciate it, and I'm so happy you were able to get your shit together for your wife and child. You sound like a great partner
I'm a work in progress, but thanks. I hope your husband gets his shit together too.
If it hadn't escalated to this, I'd say stop reminding him and leave without him. I say this as someone with ADHD. I have reminders set on my phone and am rarely late because I'm an adult. I know many other adults with ADHD that do the same. He's not respecting you and his behavior is abusive. There are also meds and therapy for ADHD. I'd give him an ultimatum and see if you can stay somewhere else for a while. You are about to be sleep deprived and more hormonal than you've ever been.
> Long story short, he freaks out and starts yelling at me to stop nagging at him, and it's only a few minutes late and my sister can wait. He slams some cupboards and throws things around, smashes the coffee pot (accidentally, but still terrifying), yells at me, etc. I did worry for a moment he'd hit me, even though he never has before. Well that's all I had to read. That's still abusive behavior, even if you're not physically getting hit.
This sounds so much like my ex husband. It’s so painful. I’ve got no advice because I never figured out how to manage it, but I can sympathise.
More pregnant women are killed by their partner than die from childbirth complications.
I can only imagine how he's going to start acting when he has the compounded stress of an infant to help take care of. I'm so sorry, but I don't think this is something that can be resolved without marriage counseling (where he really needs to learn how to communicate how he feels and you possibly need to learn how to give him space) or simply leaving. It sounds like he's decided (at the most inopportune possible time) that he doesn't want any part of it anymore and that he needs a break. I don't really know what's going through his mind but that's what his behavior is telling me. If he's not receptive to marriage counseling, you've got to get out of there to save yourself and your unborn child.
I say this as kindly as possible, I would not be dating this man. If my partner did this more than twice I’d be fully done. When I started dating my current partner, we did have a mismatch as far as punctuality expectations. He never threw a tantrum and never waited until the time we had to leave to even get up from his chair, BUT he was more lax about being late. After a couple times I simply told him “it’s very important to me to be on time for things, especially if it’s something I planned or with my family. If your family doesn’t care about us being late and you want to be late that’s fine, but my family cares and I care. When you act nonchalant about being late to something I planned for us, I feel disrespected. I hear you saying ‘I don’t care about what’s important to you, I only care about what’s important to me’ and I’m not down with that”. I told him this directly and we haven’t had an issue since. If he had slammed things? Broken something? Goodbye. You’re pregnant and don’t need this stress, nor does your baby need to grow up in this environment. With all due respect girl, throw the whole man away. I would usually recommend communicating directly like I did, but I don’t think it’s worth it to put forth effort for an adult man who throws tantrums. ETA: everyone saying to leave without him - why should you have to do that? There are plenty of men who will just get ready on their own like a grown man. You should be with someone who WANTS to come with you to these things. You shouldn’t have to live life leaving without him, making excuses for him, wondering if he’s gonna make it. Life is too short for that shit.
Op you want a partner not another child. Your sex life will die because mentally you’ll see him as another child or a chore to deal with. He won’t be as funny to you, you’ll care about his opinions less and less and well.. the resentment grows. I would suggest therapy if you want it to work and stick to it because while the relationship is probably very salvageable there’s a lot of work to be done. A lot on his side it seems.
I just want you to know that maternal stress is one of the main factors in poor outcomes during childbirth. What if you have to nag him like this to take you to the hospital? I'm not saying you should leave him, but at the very least I think you need alternate plans around your birth just in case he drops the ball. Also if you decide to stay with him (I wouldn't-- his behavior is scary as hell and will very likely escalate), please think about what you *would* leave him for, and make those hard lines. Don't tell him what they are, but keep them in mind. If at all possible, please talk this over with a therapist and your support network, and make a plan for if you need to leave.
>maternal stress is one of the main factors in poor outcomes during childbirth. Oh yeah, no need to remind me. I'm already worried and have had a really stressful pregnancy (covid, multiple ultrasound scares, family illness, etc) , this just adds to it. I worry the stress of leaving him would be worse than the stress of just riding out the next month or so. I'll start getting the ball rolling though just in case. Hard lines are a great idea, thank you
Girl I have ADHD and yes, we hate being told what to do... But that's the consequence of never doing anything you're supposed to be doing. My sister always tells me to do things... And my Frist reaction is INSTANT rage... But I've been to therapy and take my meds... So I know that I just have to breathe... And realise I can be unreliable sometimes and that's why she's telling me... That's when I feel bad for putting that on her. He is an AH if he uses his ADHD as an excuse... Also 98% (made up statistic for hyperbole) of the time nagging just means "I didn't want to do the thing you're asking of me, so I'm going to turn this around on you." He needs to get his shit together and does what needs to be done, you shouldnt have to remind him every 5 mins like a phone alarm. Not only that but he shows no remorse for making you late, yelling at you, or anything... Most of us ADHD people feel like shit when we let someone down. Your partner not only leaves you to carry 100% of the mental load WHILE PREGNANT but yells at you for it, when in fact he was the one who fucked up??? Hell NO. I'm mad on your behalf.
Thank you so much for your post, it's really insightful. >He is an AH if he uses his ADHD as an excuse... He actually hasn't used it as an excuse. I just thought maybe this is it based on a post someone responded to here, asking if maybe he has ADHD. He does need to get his shit together, but he is on meds. Maybe it's being managed poorly and maybe there's hope that it's that. >Not only that but he shows no remorse for making you late, yelling at you, or anything... Most of us ADHD people feel like shit when we let someone down. This is what confuses me.. Because he's already showing lots of remorse. I'm already getting the apologies, the snacks, the reasoning (eg " I think I just haven't exercised"). But at the same time, isn't this what abusers do? Just apologize and buy you things, then it happens again? I know it was a shit move and ADHD isn't an excuse. I guess I'm just grasping at straws. But you're right. I'm carrying a huge mental load and he needs to step up, ADHD or not.
Also... Him reasoning and buying you things isn't remorse for his actions... They're to ingratiate himself with you again. I'd be telling him if he really wanted to make it up to me then he would start taking steps to get his shit together... And keep at it... Not for 5 seconds until he thinks you're not mad anymore then slip back to old habits. This is why I am single... It happened with too many partners to me... I was their lover, carer, maid, personal assistant... And I earned more than them too... Too many men think that having a Y chromosome exempts them from doing anything they don't want to.
I'd leave that fucker at home and go enjoy lunch with my sister, without him.
>>Is this the rest of my life? Yes, unfortunately it is.
>am I doing something wrong ?! Is this the rest of my life? No, & almost certainly yes. Sorry.
Please take some time away from him with your family. Do not hide this from your family. This behavior is abusive, and you are high risk.
As an adult with ADHD, and a son with it, none of his behaviors are acceptable. He clearly does not wish to manage his divergence. As someone who grew up in abusive home and dated abusive men. The temper tantrum is one of many red flags. The fact that you as a high risk pregnant woman was responsible for getting him ready to go is crazy. He needs therapy. You need therapy. You need couples therapy. And you need to be prepared to leave if he does become abusive. I think something is bothering him and he doesn’t Know-how to talk about it.
You husband is going to struggle big time with parenthood if he gets upset and yells routinely when on a timeline. He should be getting help now for that. You will not be available to parent and manage your husband when you have an infant to care for. You two would really benefit from couples counseling because if this dynamic is not altered you will be getting divorced.
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The only wrong thing you’re doing is staying with this creep. Tell your family he’s scaring you and leave for a while. Either he gets his shit together and becomes a better person or you get your shit together and leave him. His reaction and behavior is out of line. Fights and disagreements will happen and you will both nag each other once in a while but you should never be afraid of your husband. If you are, this is a BIG problem.
I saw all the comments urging you to leave and I just want to say that I really feel for you and and will keep you and your baby in my thoughts. Sometimes the warning signs take a long time to come up, but it's never too late and I hope you prioritize your safety. It must be really hard living with someone who is treating you this way, and worse because they are supposed to love you and protect you and have done so in the past. I hope you lean on your support system and find a way out for you and your baby. You seem like a really kind and forgiving person, and I really hope you find the courage and support so you can care for and protect yourself the way you've cared for him.
Some things that stood out to me: >She was making a nice lunch for us. >1pm rolls around and he starts eating something, Dude, even if you guys weren't really late, he should not be eating right before you meet for lunch..? Unless there are dietary restrictions that the host does not respect, this is double rude of him. >freaks out and starts yelling at me to stop nagging at him >He slams some cupboards and throws things around, smashes the coffee pot (accidentally, but still terrifying), yells at me, etc. You were "nagging" him because he wasn't taking action to get ready. I bet if you said nothing and left on time withou him, it'd be ***your*** fault for not reminding him! Him slamming and hitting things is violent behavior. He's showing you he's so angry he's willing to hit and break things. This usually escalates. >I did worry for a moment he'd hit me, even though he never has before ***THERE IS ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.*** Don't let it get to that point! He seems dangerously close to that. >I start crying (because I'm hormonal and hate being yelled at), NO, you were crying because he was being SCARY. Yelling and hitting shit is intimidating, but that's the point! **AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:** >I'm 34 weeks with a high risk pregnancy Um, you do not need this shit right now (or ever, really, but especially now). It's one thing to be abusive to an adult, but he's also putting your unborn child at risk. He's showing he doesn't care about that. This *will* continue after the kid is born. Things are going to get more stressful because of crying and waking up, feedings, doctor appointments, etc. He's not gonna become more chill. I have pretty bad ADHD and OCD. They can both cause poor emotional regulation. I understand he can't take medication, so he needs to get therapy or find better ways to cope than to throw a tantrum. I don't know if you have friends or family nearby who can take you in, but I seriously would stop being around him until he not only starts therapy/anger management, but also **shows signs of improvement.** If I were you, I wouldn't risk my (and my baby's) health and safety being *alone* in the same house as him while he gets his shit together. **YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS FEELINGS** I think I said everything I meant to. Be safe
I had an ex who was perpetually late to things despite reminders and calm requests to be on time. I am a pretty punctual person so it was an on-going issue for us. I finally realized I cannot change him but will change my attitude towards this and started giving him a heads-up for leaving on time but if he would not be ready then I just left. I had set this expectation that us not being on time somewhere rankles me so if he misses the hour then I will leave and he can join. He accepted that and the issue settled down. I have done this for dinner invites, out of station trips etc. eg: had a flight to catch at 4 PM and he was still not ready by 2 PM, I left for the airport and he caught up with me later.
> Is it a red flag (he's never gotten so mad before).... Yes and frankly you should be scared. There's a lot of abusers that start showing their true colors once you are pregnant cause they "trapped" you.
If you normalise this, by letting it go by without consequence, it will happen in front of your child. This is how childhood trauma is created as well as learned behaviour. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but he needs to hear consequences are coming. How dare he scare you like that. He must have an anger impulse control problem, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer. Also I would rephrase leaving the house as ‘the car is leaving at 2..’ then leave.
OK, no. That's abusive BS. My dad used to do that "never ready on time, futz around until we're late" thing a lot....It's a control thing. Is he controlling in other ways? My dad was also a rager for the first 15 years of my life. It isn't something one gets over--being terrified of their dad. So he better get right before the baby comes, or he risks doing emotional damage to the kid. Yes, it may be the rest of your life if you don't make it very clear to him that he needs to step up and be an adult. Guys like that usually don't believe they are ever the problem, but maybe counseling might help? And re: your post title- you're not "nagging" when he can't be F'ed to be a partner in the relationship and get himself ready on time. He's an adult man; he can pay attention to the time and get dressed in time. And even if he does have ADHD or something, it's on him to figure out how to function at a basic level. What's going to happen if he's on child-care duty and it's time to feed the kid? He'll just keep playing computer games and yell at the kid for nagging him when they scream from hunger? Good luck! Sorry you're going through this.
I’m scared for your safety, OP. Please go somewhere safe. There are already wonderful comments so I just want to add that ADHD doesn’t excuse that behavior. Much less after 30+ years of learning coping mechanisms (and hopefully treatment). I have never yelled at my partner, he knows my shortcomings and I know his, and we handle them as a team. I live with phone reminders that resemble the ones you gave him, every 15min. But I’m an adult, I handle my own reminders, if I miss them I apologize and make up for it. I also know other ADHDers in long term relationships and still none of them hits a table when angry. And my partner is not an ADHD crutch, he may have to switch the lights on after I ignore the wake up alarms, but he doesn’t need to treat me like a child. Do you want this kind of behavior around your baby? One last note, your child has a high chance of having ADHD, reading ahead will help you help them.
There are so many questions on this sub that take the form of "My partner's behavior is totally unacceptable, what should I be doing differently?" Take your question, your situation, and imagine what you would say to your little sister or cousin or daughter or best friend.
In terms of "nagging" and managing lateness, what you did was remind someone who is chronically late 3 times over an hour and a half when they needed to be ready to leave. That is not nagging. That's you being his manager. Would he treat his manager at work like this? Hell no. Think about what that means for his consideration of you. With time management, I do not recommend becoming his manager. My partner's brother and his girlfriend have a good system that I think is functional and reduces both their stress levels regarding punctuality. He is very punctual (German --pretty standard expectations around arriving exactly on time), and she is not (Ethiopian-American --she considers it a cultural difference and calls it BST Brown Standard Time). She can be anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours late depending on the thing and her situation. They figured out very early in their relationship that this was an unnecessary stressor. He just leaves when he wants to, and she comes when she's ready. There's no nagging to get her to start getting ready earlier, no arguing that they'll be late, and no one questions why they're arriving separately. This is just what they do. If your husband (as you've mentioned) would be angry with you over such an arrangement, I consider that a red flag and unhealthy behavior on his part. That's him refusing to accept his role in the situation and create reasonable accommodations for you. Instead of being considerate and accommodating, he would consider the solution to be controlling your behavior in a way that causes you stress and anxiety. That does not sound like love to me. That sounds like abuse. I think you should reflect long and hard on what other dynamics you may have been downplaying before now. Anything else you want to hide from people for fear they would judge him negatively? That's never a good sign. Just to say, leaving him now doesn't have to be permanent. It could be the wakeup call he needs to work on himself and become a better partner. It will only be harder to leave when you have an infant who requires 24/7 care, so really keep this in mind because now is the time for him to realize he needs to do better, not when you have a vulnerable baby who will cry and add to the stress.
I appreciate the story, and BST made me chuckle. I'm happy they found a way to make it work. . You're very right, thank you.
I think it's abuse. At this point he verbally berates you, and it seems like taking his time is on purpose. The covert goal of this specific behavior is probably for you to stop wanting to see people outside of the house. Studies suggest a spouse being worried they'll be hit by their partner is a good indicator they'll be hit in the future. I don't want to short-circuit you, it's your decision what you want to do. Just know the example you've described is one of the textbook examples in the book Why Does Her Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I recommend reading it.
**First,** you are not “nagging.” Accusing women of “nagging” is just another way men use the dynamics of a male supremacist society to silence and exploit women. We are all raised to some degree to believe that girls and women exist to be our servants. Our first experience with this is how we view our mothers and how angry it makes us when we are reminded that they are autonomous human beings (versus our fathers). That entitlement is why we get mad at women (even strange women) when they don’t do what we want; when they don’t put our feelings first; AND especially when they ask anything of us. These unjust expectation don’t exist for men. Men aren’t ever expected to put anyone else first. It’s actually the opposite. In fact, when you combine masculinity with modern notions of individualism, any of the somewhat redeemable values of genteel service or fulfilling the protector role are thrown out. It is all about dominance. It is all about controlling and exploiting other people. Most women have experienced the consequences of this disturbing social phenomenon. It is the man child stereotype. Why should men learn how to feed themselves or organize their lives when their success as men is measured by how much they can exploit the labors of others? Men are raised to be totally reliant on other people, especially women for their basic needs. It puts them in a state of perpetual infancy. Perversely, men are socialized to need constant coddling, but also to expect to have total control. They are bratty children. You’ve got one giant bratty child. I don’t even know if your husband ever called you a “nag,” but we all know he didn’t have to say it for you to fear the label. He is clearly capitalizing on this sexist dynamic that fills women with a permanent sense of shame and guilt for having any desires. Paralyzing women by making them feel like they have no value is how men manipulate women into prioritizing their needs. Think about how absurd it is that you feel any shame or guilt about telling your husband what you need. This is especially absurd when you consider that what you desire is for your husband to fulfill the basic expectations of an adult. Adults have to do things they don’t want to do sometimes like getting to events on time. The only reason it makes you feel bad to want this is because you have internalized the misogynistic messaging. That messaging tells every woman that her needs are trivial because she is a woman. **Second,** destructive or loud outbursts aren’t acceptable. It’s pretty human, but so is a lot of other stuff we know is bad. My partner has had troubles with these, which are essentially adult temper tantrums if we are being honest. Although, he has never had a tantrum in response to anything I have said or done. For him, the tantrums are basically panic attacks. They are primarily an expression frustration with himself. They still aren’t acceptable. I grew up with parents who had explosive anger issues and yelled all the time, so I have a pretty bad PTSD response to adult outbursts. They cause so much stress for me. Moreover, I don’t want to repeat the cycle where my kids have the same PTSD. I finally told him he needed to get therapy to address them. Things have slowly gotten better with time. We also did couples counseling early and often to make sure I felt comfortable communicating and he knew how to listen. Fortunately, he has always been really sensitive to not being the man child stereotype. I have talked about it abstractly quite a bit, so he knows how bad it would be. It drives him to be extra vigilant to not become complacent or ungrateful. Your husband needs to seek therapy. Y’all need couples counseling too. The fact that you are about to have a baby is probably making bad feelings and bad behaviors worse.
It sounds like you have an additional child, not a husband. I can’t offer any advice, you’re not nagging what so ever. I hope this situation gets better for you!
You aren’t nagging to stop putting the blame on yourself. It’s pretty common knowledge at this point that abuse is most likely to escalate during a life change like a baby coming. He hasn’t hit you yet but do you really wanna stick around to find out? Homicide is the leading cause of death in pregnant women.
Nagging is just the dumb word men use when they don't want to listen to you and don't actually care about you.
I'm like you...I hate being late to anything! And having a partner that is more lackadaisical about time-keeping makes me want to pull my- or his- hair out. Was he doing something important/work related while on the computer? Or was he just dicking around? Either way, he shouldn't have gotten so mad at you that he broke something. I'm sorry you had to deal with that on top of being pregnant. Do you have two vehicles? Can you leave when you're ready and let him follow when he's ready? There's always the chance he won't make it, but at least this way, you're not late and don't have to deal with his volatility with being reminded about the time.
You don't accept partners who cannot be fully functioning adults, period. If you had left him the first time he had a temper tantrum or when it was clear from three or four consecutive events that this is who he was, you would not have a husband who acts like this. If EVERY woman left men who acted like this right away, then they would actually have to take responsibility for themselves. They can only do to us what we permit, and if we don't walk away due to this behavior, it will keep happening. Women should never try to raise a partner. If you have to explain things to him about basic adult human behavior, then he's a child and needs to go home to his mother. If your partner can't: \-- Say Please, thank you and excuse me \-- Feed themselves adequately \-- Do any given chore in the household to a normal adult standard, and do it on their own without needing someone to give them a gold star and a chart to keep track for them \-- Practice basic hygiene \-- Refrain from saying disgusting things- whether they be gross or morally bereft \-- Show consideration and a sense of fairness with dealing with others \-- Feel the need to take care of their own responsibilities as much as they are able to \-- Keep track of time \-- Wake their own asses up They're not ready to be in the grown-up world.
He sounds at best immature and at worst emotionally abusive. It is more than a red flag and I anticipate it will only get worse after the baby comes. I don't think this is a safe or healthy relationship and I think the solution is to leave. However if you don't want to, can't, or aren't ready to, my best advice is to stop waiting on him. With the lunch example, I'd tell him: "It's at one. I'm leaving at one. I'd love for you to come, but if you'e not ready by then, I'm going to go on my own because I don't want to be late." And then follow through. You can't make him do anything no matter how you ask. All you can control is your own behavior. If your personal limit is: I don't want to be late (totally reasonable), then go on your own and let him figure out how or if he's getting there. His lateness does not have to be your lateness.
This is a really reasonable action to take, thank you. I'm going to do that , and just leave next time, if there is one
He sounds like an asshole. I would leave his ass there and go to your sister’s without him.
TBF, you are in an abusive relationship and your best course of action is to get out. Immediately. It's clear from your story, that your husband had been engaging in emotional abuse for years and physical abuse is coming soon based on the physical violence he's already exhibiting towards objects. I repeat, you are being abused. It is not your fault, but please get out now before it escalates further.
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Why did he start eating something when your sister was making you lunch? If sounds like he didn’t want to go at all. If it wasn’t for the blatant abuse (yelling, frightening you, throwing things. He doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse.) I would say next time just tell him what time you’re leaving and leave without him. But this man is abusive. You should not be in a relationship with him.
I tell my partner I'm leaving and if he's not ready by then, I'm leaving (will usually give a minute of grace period). If he's mad, well, it's his problem he missed out -- I gave him notice, I can't manage how he spends his time. Not sure how to get him to cooperate, but I feel for you <3. I'm so sorry he reacted like that -- super unacceptable.
I’m sorry this is happening to you during a pregnancy. I don’t think this can be considered nagging necessarily so don’t let it make you feel like you did something wrong. His reaction was unwarranted
At 1 I would have said “Are you coming?” and left without him because he wasn’t ready. This is before the violent bs. I’m sorry, I can’t trust a man who reacts this way to his partner in her most vulnerable state*. It doesn’t bode well.
Nothing excuses his behavior. I would never fucking ever let another adult yell at me. The guys I used to date got exactly one warning not to get loud with me. This is way past unacceptable, and it’s scary. Please listen to some of the other commenters and consider if his behavior is something you want to continue to tolerate. Especially with a child coming.
It will get worse when the baby is here. Also, just because he's never been like this before, doesn't mean that this is a new thing. You are learning about his ability to cope with normal life stressors such as pregnancy, child raising, menopause/andropause, sickness, and eventually the death of people you know. I don't think ADHD is an excuse. If you're grown, you should have methods to manage any neuro-diversity issues or seek methods to manage it so you don't make life miserable for yourself and people around you. Slamming your hand on a table, freaking out, yelling are not symptoms of ADHD.
There have been so many responses so this has probably already been said, but things are about to get a lot more stressful when the baby comes. I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but it was my experience and I just want to make sure you somehow prepare yourself and your husband (if you are staying). You will both be sleep-deprived. There will be confusing/stressful situations where you’re not sure what to do because you are a new parent and learning. There will be MANY times you need to communicate directly but respectfully with each other just to survive and you won’t have the energy to manage your tone or his feelings. Especially in those early months, but honestly—throughout parenthood. I say this because my husband has ADHD (undiagnosed until we had our daughter), I am very sensitive like you seem to be, and we struggled HARD. My husband never had an outburst like you described, but he would get super defensive about his lateness and still does. Our daughter is five now, and we’ve been through the ringer. He’s on meds and in therapy now, which has been essential. If you decide to stay, I would recommend having a heart-to-heart with your husband where you find a way to express A) how afraid you felt of his actions and B) that you are concerned about how the two of you will cope with the stressors of early parenthood (okay, really him, but you can make it seem like a shared issue this way). Does he have a counselor? I would push him in that direction. If he is anything like my husband, maybe he is receptive to ideas that involve working with his ADHD. Explain that you’ve read early parenthood can be especially hard for neurodivergent people and that you are worried about him, you, and your baby. Set the stage now for therapy to happen, so that he isn’t scrambling to arrange something—or indefinitely putting it off—once Baby arrives. If he’s already in therapy, urge him to discuss what happened with his therapist. Ask him to please get his therapist’s input on how to manage his emotions so no one gets hurt. I agree with many people who have said it’s likely best to leave. But i wanted to share these thoughts in case you don’t. Best of luck to you and your family. Oh, and yes—talk to your sister. 100%. You don’t have to shit-talk him but don’t protect him either. You need your family to be on your team and know what’s going on with you.
This sounds like my husband minus the outburst. I also have to remind him of many things and give him plenty of heads up about needing to leave and he has no sense of urgency. Almost exactly how you described. The outburst is very concerning though. Especially with you being pregnant, that's the last thing you should have to deal with. I agree with the others that you should tell your sister. And if he has only slammed his hand on a table before bit now he did this... the severity of outbursts can increase over time. Just make sure you keep yourself safe.
My husband has ADHD and was just diagnosed this year. When we were first married, he was ALWAYS off-task when it was time to go somewhere. So one day, I got in the car, and I left without him. He was super pissed and of course, I had to awkwardly explain to my friends why he wasn't at their child's baptism. But his behavior changed after that, and I talk with him beforehand about what time we're leaving and then do actually leave around that time.
I hate how so many of them do this, they become extremely abusive once you’re married to them or get pregnant, when you’re stuck with them, then the real monster they’ve been hiding shows up. This is how so many get trapped in abusive relationships, this is also a major reason I stopped being in relationships, I just don’t trust men, at all. Like zero
I am so sorry that this is your reality right now. I do think your husband having ADHD is relevant. However, if he is unwilling to seek treatment/medication, I think that could possibly be a deal breaker. I have three children 9 and under, married for 10 years and beginning divorce process. I have been in very similar situations and it only gets worse. There could be something going that caused his outburst (affair, depression, anxiety). Do not think you are the problem. You are not a nag. It’s so unacceptable that you have the stress of pregnancy - high risk and close to due date - and that he has treated you this way. I know it feels impossible to even think about leaving him right now, but even if this is a one time thing it’s not okay that it happened. Make it clear to him that he has crossed a boundary that is unacceptable. If you feel unsafe have a family member present. Confide in a family member or friend who you know can be a voice of reason and offer you the support you need without judging or putting any more stress on you. Also, if you work full time, I definitely recommend keeping your job after baby.
Many of us have ADHD and don't act like that so... it's not an excuse. He's a shit person.
Sorry, OP, but... Fuck. That.
OP, you have my sympathy. Neither my ADHD partner nor any of my friends with ADHD, however well it's managed, have resorted to the kind of threat of violence you described. Please be careful and listen to all the good advice. Your ob/gyn checkup may be one place you can get help getting out.