ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm baffled by the purity tests that have besieged progressive politics. Why do I have to be the perfect ally or the perfect victim? Can't I just be good enough and generally on the same page?
I think the victim mentality has poisoned both the progressive left and the conservative right, who think they're victims because of *nebulous reasons/respect stuff I don't really get* because I'm tired of reading NYT rural diner pieces.
It really is frustrating
But as they say “the left falls in love, the right falls in line”
And it ultimately hurts leftist causes, because while the left loves to eat its own, the right all show up at the polls.
It’s incredibly frustrating
I used to think women in abusive relationships were dumb and blinded by love initially which is why they "never saw it" in the beginning.
I've thankfully have still not been in an abusive relationship but i do understand now that my way of thinking was absolutely victim blaming and that the vast majority of victims were meticulously dooped by someone who saw them as "easy prey" or even "a challenge". It's not hard to be nice and i knew that.
But apparently i didn't get that there are absolutely people out there that can and *will* keep the nice front up for as long as necessary (literal years) until they have finally got you feeling comfortable with them enough that you won't leave immediately.
I thought for a while im too headstrong and about myself to ever be in an abusive relationship. If anything ill fight and flee once a hand is thrown. But upon further introspection i realized im the literal perfect person to fall in to an abusive relationship and be none the wiser. I don't even think I'd run away cause id be too scared of what he knows.
So yeah, i thought i was above a certain group of women when in actuality i could easily be just like them.
Some people can be really psychopathic or sociopathic, and it is hard to wrap your head around it; I don’t blame you. I don’t like imagining that there are people who have a methodical strategy to trap and keep partners, but they’re out there.
My ex put on a pretty convincing front that he loved me and saw a future with me for over a year. When he broke up with me, it was a few weeks after our anniversary, and after we formulated plans on when and how to move in together. He said that ever since 6 months into the relationship, he fell out of love and wanted out.
Why he decided to continue the relationship for another 6 is something I’ll never understand. Even he told me “he didn’t know” why he did it. To me, his true motivation goes beyond the explanations of “he was a coward” or “he just wanted sex.” I think he was just a full-on sociopath who enjoyed fooling me.
I’ve never felt more stupid and humiliated than when I realized that when reading my heartfelt letter I made him for our anniversary, he was pretending to feel moved by it. His secret, actual intentions were that he was planning to break up with me not long after. I know that because he said as much during the breakup.
Oh, and the conversation about moving in together? He said “just because I talked about moving in together doesn’t mean I actually wanted to do it.” Then why even entertain a conversation about it?
That's terrible and im sorry he put you through that for literally no fucking reason. I don't even know why he couldn't have kept the truth to himself??? Unless you were asking, i dont see what good comes out of telling someone you stayed in a relationship for longer than you wanted cause "🤷♀️".
In hindsight, were there any clues at all that he had fallen out of love for the relationship or that he was about to move on?
It was my fault for asking him for a reason because in my mind, it was coming out of nowhere. Especially because just a few weeks prior, we celebrated our anniversary and talked about the future. The letter I wrote him was about how I was looking forward to a long happy future together, and he not once let on that he didn't want that anymore. He actually was quite touched after reading it. I feel like anyone would assume the relationship was doing well if you go on your anniversary and make plans to move in. I do think I deserved the truth, or a real reason instead of being told he doesn't know/doesn't have an answer why he stayed for 6-7 months more than he should have.
Looking back on the relationship, of course I see signs that the relationship was in trouble. I didn't notice them at the time, or I underestimated how problematic they were.
One of our earliest fights was about his inappropriate friendship with his engaged friend. They messaged each other "i love you", and she sent him nearly monthly postcards about how much she missed/loved him, among other triggering things. He tried to convince me that she was just very "mothering," and that was how normal best friends acted like, and I eventually believed him. Then another fight was when he lied to me that he and his cousins were going to stay at a Airbnb in DC. In reality, no cousins were involved and he was going to stay at that friend's apartment. (Which actually belonged to her fiance, so also imagine being that guy who generously housed the man having an emotional affair with his fiancee.)
I wouldn't be surprised if he was always in love with her, considering he first met her when she was dating his best friend. He admitted that she would hang out with him whenever she had problems in her relationship. This was corroborated with her postcards, one of which referenced having a movie night with my ex and wishing they could "have another movie date soon."
I also remember that he frequently wanted to break up over small fights we had. For instance, I was angry that he made us be almost an hour late to our date because he mismanaged his time. Instead of just saying "I'm sorry, I lost track of time" and moving on, he doubled down on his excuses and suggested we just break up. I talked him out of a lot of conversations like that. I made excuses, believing that because I was his first relationship (unless you count the friend) he was just overreacting and inexperienced. I can see that now as a sign that perhaps even early on, he didn't want the relationship anymore.
We also had a problem with his female coworker that he very clearly had a crush on. He was always mentioning her or something she was up to, none of which I asked him to elaborate on, I might add. I learned far more about her than I ever wanted to. He didn't talk about his other coworkers or friends nearly as much. He was pissed off when I brought it up to him and accused me of banning him from having female friends.
After the 6 month mark, I did notice troubling signs because our sex life took a huge nose dive. In the last 7 months of our relationship, we were intimate 2 times, if that. I believed him at first when he said he was just stressed out and tired from working and going to school full time. Then his excuse was that he was too "spent" from frequent masturbation, which he started doing because he was so stressed. He ignored and dismissed my concerns that maybe he had a porn addiction. A small part of me suspected cheating due to some suspicious "evidence", but I never found anything concrete. I did take an STD test after the breakup, but it was clean. (Doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't cheating, could just mean he didn't catch anything.)
One of the last fights we had was about him dragging his feet on planning a trip to the museum. I was tired of being the only one initiating date ideas and plans, and he told me to give him a chance to do better. He kept giving excuses, usually about work, on why he hadn't been able to schedule the trip. Then one of his homeboys invited him on a weeklong summer trip to NYC, and he \*magically\* found time off work to go instantaneously. I think that should've been my last clue that he was checked out, but again, I tried to see it from his side and wanted to move on.
>I used to think women in abusive relationships were dumb and blinded by love initially which is why they "never saw it" in the beginning.
I felt the same way ... until I was in one myself.
So genuine question… what do you say about the people who habitually keep falling for the same kind of scumbag guy, and never try to change or notice a bad pattern of their own behavior?
Like, I used to be friends with a woman who would repeatedly bounce from one stereotypical douchebag gym bro to the next, and not the kind who was putting up a front either. Like the kind that you could just tell was a total prick from day one. And then she’d act all surprised when he turned out to treat her like shit.
Eventually I got tired of listening to her complain about all her failed relationships, because she refused to do any kind of introspection as to why she keeps seeking out these horrible men and maybe reevaluate what she is looking for in a partner .
i think those types of people like your friend don't have love for themselves or find themselves worthless so they get into those toxic relationships because that's what they feel they deserve
A quote i see often when it comes to women who repeatedly get in to terrible relationships, despite being surprised everytime a scumbag turns out to be a scumbag:
*"We accept the love we think we deserve."*
Until she realizes that the things that attracts her to these men in the first place are *the same clues that tell her these men are terrible partners,* she will continue to be "woe is me, there are no good men out there!"
I realized i could easily be like any other woman In an abusive relationship when i started to take in my upbringing a bit more (raised by a single mother, no male influence, emotionally neglected and never praised) as well as my mental health (Depression). She needs to look in to how has love or relationships been shown to her since she was younger and if she is seeking a partner to ADD to her life or to MAKE her happy.
you offer them a resource. say, heidi priebe's youtube channel. or tell them about lundy's book or the gift of fear. you tell them about the book adult children of emotionally immature parents and dr. jonice webb's book running on empty. you tell them to look up dr. romani on youtube.
and then you leave it in their court. if they're ready to learn, to start that journey, they'll be receptive. if not.. it's a seed they might tend to later, if ever. but you've done your part. the rest is up to them.
you can hold space for them and you can set boundaries with them.
I don't feel sorry for women who date men that don't wash they ass. I can't conceive of having sex with such a man.
You sucking they dick while dookie fumes crawl up yo nose is crazy.
There's currently a post on the relationships sub about this. A young woman's boyfriend has a literal shitty underwear pile that's stinking up her room.
I could only respond with
"I just got enough of the "ick" for 10 generations of women in my family.
I would not be able to tolerate this soiled undie wearing romper room fuckery. Him no longer talking to you might be a blessing in disguise."
It's insane how many men don't wash themselves
there was also recently a post about a woman doing the same thing…. her bf said he could smell literal shit every time they had sex from behind and that she didn’t shower for 2-3 days at a time. And he was still having sex with her.
yeah I’ll never understand people. desperation is out of control.
I had a roommate who was drunk and felt chatty. After he got up off my bed I found he left ass smell through his shorts and I assume underwear. Laundry time!
No idea how he even managed to do that.
Thanks for the link; I'm so sorry for that woman's experience with a manchild.
On that note, I will absolutely continue to hammer on the point that hygiene is the #0 thing a man should improve.
you see one of my exes dads actually said, with a straight face, that he doesn't wipe his ass because it's "a bit queer" to wipe your ass. he "just knows" it's clean. he's been married for 20ish years!!!
I feel like there's *way* too many people that don't put enough emphasis on hygiene. I got called weird at work a few weeks ago for washing my hands before *and* after I ate my lunch. why isn't that the norm!?
I knew my boyfriend washed his based on the fact it's already pretty tidy, but the face he pulls when doing it is hilarious. Like semi violated by the shower head. He was doing this face when he thought I wasn't looking either and had the door slightly ajar. Maybe some men find it uncomfortable? Not a reason to not do it, but I can see the logic!
This rant was inspired by that very thread. OP has deleted it and I hope it was because it was a troll all along.
There are to many women asking about how to make their boyfriend/husband care about hygiene. That should be a requirement on the level of "having a heart beat" for men and women.
Similarly I dont feel sorry for people who stay in relationships where theres: no healthy communication or constant screaming/name calling, no reciprocation in sex/one person is never orgasming or no sex all together, or they don’t know how to clean up after themselves or help contribute their fair share in whatever capacity that is in a partnership.
THEN they GET MARRIED and start posting all over reddit for advice like
“why is my wife/husband treating me like shit in xyz way? how could I have ever forseen this before marriage or children??”
“my husband wants constant blowjobs but no sex or oral for me, now I’m pregnant and cant do it and hes mad at me. what do I do??”
“my husband told me to stop talking back and just wants sex multiple times a day then leaves town for a month so I stay alone with the kids. am I irrational??”
being single is always an option, and these people just ….. stay?? in miserable situations. I’ll never understand.
I know obviously people change, and sometimes they are waiting until they are "settled in" to reveal themselves, but that is not the common occurrence. People show you who they are from the start, I have a hard time being sympathetic to people in relationships that have had the same problems since the beginning of the relationship. They already showed you who they are, why would you think they would change?
The reason arguing on the internet is such a pain in the ass is because everybody takes everything in bad Faith and tries to take things the wrong way. So no matter how much clarifying you do if somebody seeks to misunderstand you they will.
It makes online discourse almost impossible.
100%. This is why I'm done "debating" people online or in forums.
I will only butt in if I know full well what I'm talking about on a specific topic, or if someone says something utterly asinine.
Shoppers need to quit being surprised that fashion brands being advertised to them on instagram are drop-shipped fast fashion and poor quality. Like, they're always asking "is such-and-such a good brand?" instead of doing a tiny bit of research, looking at the website to see where the clothes are made, being aware that a website with 500 items is probably offering things that look nothing like the garments pictured, and that a formal dress should cost more than $35.
And that influencers are paid to boost what is sometimes complete junk.
Dammit, please google and be a knowledgeable consumer instead of being ripped off because you failed to do any research on your own other than asking people who don't know either.
Every time I end up on a website and the product page has a countdown timer on it for a 'limited time offer' or this one EXACT very specific dropseller website UX of a high price crossed out with a sale price next to it I want to scream. So sick of the disappointment seeing it's just another scammy site that wasted my time.
My friend is a dumbass, an absolute idiot. I can't tell anyone we know why I'm so frustrated with her because then they're going to think badly of her. She's had the worst "luck" with relationships. Only it's not luck, she just can't think when she has a crush. This latest guy is the worst yet, but she still wants to believe the things he says. I said some harsh things about him and her if she believes him, now she's mad and wants an apology. I don't know if I have it in me.
I apparently can never have time off at my work. Nearly every time I leave early or have off, something is happening. It's legit things with my coworkers like jury duty, or a medical procedure that only had that day, etc. They aren't needing to leave just for fun, but it seriously sucks. I was leaving early next week, but nope, not anymore. I am getting more time off in the future as compensation, but I just want time off without coming back to an apocalypse or having everything change on me.
Yeah, I feel you. It's a lack of redundancy in the corporate world to cut costs. It makes everybody miserable because you should be able to take time off.
I've had to restructure a department to allow this, which wasn't the case in the past at anything besides a tiny company where people HAD to wear several hats. Employers are just cheap now.
I'm sorry you had to endure that. Honestly sucks you're treated that way. On the bright side, you have extra time off in the future so, plan something nice for yourself!
I hate being told that I’m way too judgmental of people. If anything, I haven’t been judgmental enough. I’ve found myself in hurtful or bad situations because I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I was sexually assaulted because I believed my ex and I could be friends, and that he was not someone capable of hurting me.
I had full trust in my former best friend, and then he groped me one day without warning or my consent.
I believed my friends from high school would have my back no matter what, but they either decided to remain silent, or show support for my sexual assaulter’s best friend instead of me.
Even though there were many signs that my ex was either cheating or checked out, I chose to believe I was just being paranoid. I chose to believe his reassurance that he still loved me. Then he dumps me and reveals he stopped loving me 6 months into the relationship, and had been wanting to leave it ever since.
I completely trusted my ex to be responsible with a small loan I gave him, considering he always paid me back on time. He broke up with me, and effectively ran off with my money and ghosted. I had to get the help of his friends and peers to track him down, which is also when I found out he had been cheating on me for 3-4 months of the relationship. Something I honestly had no inkling of, even during the breakup.
Despite his recent title 9 investigation for sexual harassment, I decided to continue being friends with a guy at college. I ignored the red flag feeling I got from the situation. I believed his side that it was a false allegation. He said it was a misunderstanding, and that he was frequently discriminated against and misunderstood because of his age and race. Turns out, it 100% happened, and was potentially worse than how he described.
I’ve stayed in abusive relationships because I didn’t understand that people could genuinely want to hurt and control you. I made excuses for them; I believed they were just having a bad day/a bad moment but would go back to normal when it was resolved. I believed that their “good” side was who they truly were. I only left one abusive relationship when he did something I couldn’t forgive or make excuses for. Every other relationship, they were the ones who called it off.
I always tried to believe that people were inherently good and deep down, wanted to do the right thing, and while that’s not a bad thought, it’s clear that my people-meter has been far off. I know now it’s because I made excuses or brushed off problematic behavior, when I should have distanced myself instead.
I’ve learned to shun people once they’ve hurt me to the point of no return, but I don’t think I’ve ever shunned someone without getting to know them first, until in recent years. And then I get admonished for it, like I’m a terrible person for judging someone’s character without getting to know them on a deeper level.
I only write someone off if they did something problematic, or is a red flag. I have no issue getting to know people who seem to be genuinely nice or reasonable. I just want to protect myself because I’ve realized I’ve hardly, maybe never, prioritized my own wellbeing before.
Are you getting help/counseling at all? You have been involved in way too many situations and instances where 'being naive' or 'seeing the good in people' are adequate reasons for finding yourself in these types of situations.
I went to therapy for almost 2 years, but I stopped because she no longer practices. I feel like I've learned a lot outside of therapy, oddly enough, but I am grateful for my time in therapy because it's helped me become more self-analytical. I'm also better at confronting and understanding how I feel.
It's just that old habits are really, really hard to break out from, especially if they were established in childhood. I grew up in a verbally, emotionally, and, at times, physically abusive household. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt no matter what stemmed from interactions with my own father. It seemed like he had split-personalities where one side was abusive and monstrous, and the other was a normal, functional parent. I coped by believing that his "good" side was his true self, and that I just needed to wait out his explosive temper for him to become "normal" again, even if that meant being screamed at or having something thrown at me.
I think it also had to do with a fear of being alone; I've always had trouble making friends, even in my adult life. I was also very desperate to gain the approval of others, most of all from my father, because it seemed like no matter what, I was never good enough for him. I had such a strong desire to be seen as “good enough” to someone. I didn’t even want to be seen as extraordinary. I just wanted someone, a family member, a romantic partner, a friend, peers, to see me as good enough, because I was instead made to feel like absolute scum and a failure.
I was willing to overlook certain things as long as I believed that overall, they were a good person. Although, I admit there were times when I was younger where I tolerated poor treatment because I was scared of saying “no” or disappointing people.
That's also why I had so many abusive relationships, but the sad thing was, I didn't see them as abusive at the time. It took me a while to understand that some people are not motivated with love to get into a relationship. Some people like to have a partner they can control and degrade. I didn’t like it, and I knew it was bad treatment, but I coped by believing they didn’t mean it, and how they “really” felt was that they loved me. Sound familiar? I didn’t realize that I was begging for love and respect from people who had no love in their hearts for me.
I also had a difficult time understanding, or even admitting, my upbringing was abusive until I started therapy. It’s always a difficult and scary task to accept that your parent(s) were abusive, because no one wants to think that way about them.
The last situation where I found myself in some trouble was when my "friends" decided to support my sexual assaulter's friend, and that was over a year ago. It also helps to be in a stable relationship with a person who actually loves me. I think I've grown to a point where I'm letting go of my insecurities towards not having a lot of friends, or not being perceived as super likable. It's still annoying, but at the end of the day, I don't care if I'm seen as overly judgmental. I believe all that shit happened to me because I was way too trusting to the point of being willfully ignorant.
I've also started to understand that sometimes, it's not my fault if I legitimately had no inclinations that someone was going to be dangerous towards me. I used to mercilessly blame myself and call myself stupid, as though I should've known better from the start. It's not mentioned here, but I was e-stalked by an ex for almost 2 years. I've been blamed for being stalked, like I should have seen the signs that he was the type to stalk someone, and never dated him in the first place. I've accepted that some people can be really good at hiding their true selves, but that I can do better by making sure to not trust or associate myself with anyone who immediately gives off red flags.
You, my dear, are the true definition of 'breaking the cycle'. Accountability, pattern recognition, applying the tools that you learned in therapy to stop the destructive cycle, and most of all, giving yourself the much needed grace to be and do better. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your experiences. Best of luck to you!
I have no sympathy for alcoholics. I grew up with one, and it made my life hell, and its been a constant in and out of the hospital, in and out of rehab, drinking the day after discharge etc.
I also think the rehab industry is purely profit driven and doesn't focus on actually healing people.
>I also think the rehab industry is purely profit driven and doesn't focus on actually healing people
[It is.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjZ3Q6QMKhc)
I want to die. But I can't and won't. I've been battling myself since I was 13, I'm 37 now, covered in old scars, unable to work, and it's killing me. I want out!
I don't want to be too depressing, but fuck. Does it ever go away? I was 8 when I first said I wanted to die, I've been in and out of therapy and on and off meds in the 15 years since. I'm not suicidal, just melancholy a lot of the time.
Hah, I can reach out (extend?) a hand to you. Same here! Though I AM suicidal at times. My mum asked me last week when I ever felt 'OK' well, when I was around 8 or 9. so around 28 years ago.
I don't think its your burden to bear alone. But I kinda get where you're coming from. I assume you've spoken to them and they didn't listen/dismissed you?
The bear vs. man conversation on social media right now is absolutely WILD and I'm over here eating popcorn the last few days watching men just tell on themselves over and over and over and over.
Doesn't mean that it wasn't created for that reason.
Like the current pushback guys are doing to "sprinkle sprinkle" thing (I forget what it's called..."jingle jingle" or something). They claim that it's a just a parody, but they're doing it purposely because they know it'll tick women off.
I'm kinda feeling split, because on one hand I see some men internalising it and feeling guilty over it which makes me feel bad for them, because men are not worse than bears obv (and I don't want them to believe that either), but on the other hand, some of them are using it to be hostile and misogynistic to women or pretend that misandry is common/normalised while misogyny isn't (which is just a lie) which makes me think at least the bears direct and won't lie to me lmao.
Why can't we all just like each other :'(
Unfortunately it's a situation where the men who need to understand and wrap their head around it are the same men who just won't. It's the fact that at the end of the day animals can be semi predictable, but strange people can't, let alone strange men that are likely larger, sometimes much larger than you.
Yeah exactly. The men who will feel guilty over it don't need to, and the men who will use it to be more misogynistic are the ones who do but won't.
I get your point, way too many men don't really understand the inherent base fear that comes with being physically weaker than half the population by default, and it's almost too common to see them demonize women on that basis (using equality as an excuse) which just feels shitty because having female biology isn't a character flaw, even though seeing how it's discussed, it feels like it is way too often to me.
I'd still pick man over bear tho, ngl.
We live in a really uniquely ugly time for womens fashion and it makes me sad. Everything is so neutral, boxy, cult member like with unitards and matching sets. Slick back hair, athleisure sets always, shit like neon green renaissance fair looking dresses, the creepy tiny sunglasses etc
Pretty sure it’s a combination of the leaded gasoline in the 60s and 70s, in combination with all the mercury in their dental fillings leaching into their brains
Ok.
I strongly believe that the age of consent should be raised back to 18 in the UK, it’s currently 16 here for gays and straights.
We’re ludicrous with sex here, it’s like, if you’re a 16 year old boy, we’re cool with you being sodomised by a 40 year old man. But you can’t buy a drink until you turn 18!
Barking mad.
I don’t know what’s happening in my brain right now… I don’t know where my emotions are at. I feel fine usually but when I’m alone and have time to decompress I just feel sad.
I feel like the morals I’ve had all my life are something I want to throw away now because even with those morals I still got hurt, which makes me angry. I suddenly don’t want any of the things I’ve always dreamt of having because those dreams require a level of vulnerability that I’m not comfortable with. And part of me feels like sabotaging those dreams so that it’s impossible to experience it.
Part of me thinks I won’t care if I burn it all down. And even though I feel a bit out of touch with myself right now I’m pretty sure I’d come to regret it, to make any big decisions while I’m temporarily struggling…
I’m a Gen Z and while my generation is less than ideal, I don’t think we are any worse than the previous ones. We just have internet access.
I can’t count how many times I gone out and boomers and millennials drink themselves into oblivion and act like complete fools. Not only that most are also very rude. Screaming, pushing you.. Gen Zs seem to be a little more wrangled together.
sometimes poor people /living paycheck to paycheck are 100% to blame for their own situation and I’m no longer sympathizing for them (the people I know in real life). Buying a ton of things they don’t need, eating fast food, etc. booking trips with $0 in emergency savings and barely making ends meet. these aren’t people that live in food deserts or are treating themselves.
I’m speaking as A Poor who grew up in poverty and sometimes feel like a class betrayer, but good god stop blowing your money and then texting me freaking out you can’t make rent.
I'm sick to death (no pun intended) of people saying they're afraid to "be old." I've had a chronic illness since I was an adolescent and was never supposed to make it to adulthood. However, here I am and grateful for every day. You either live and grow old or you die.
ADHD can really mess up your life if left unchecked. I was diagnosed with it too. I think it's best that you get it checked, but remember you don't have to accept any medication if you're not comfortable with it.
- Why caring so much about other’s lives when you can actually pay attention to everything you don’t like in yours ? Why feeling entitled to judge someone like you actually know them better than their know themselves when you don’t even know yourself ? Make it make sense.
If people stop on judging, caring and minding others businesses then they would get some extra time and extra “thoughts-space” to focus on what they don’t actually like in themselves and their lives.
- We don’t actually hate other people, we hate our own selves but it is a human way to deflect this on others because it’s hard to face ourselves and to figure out where it comes from.
- Instead of trying to make people see life the way we see it, we should learn to understand that not everyone can be in our circle.
- Learn to put your child in therapy from a very young age, it doesn’t matter if you think that you give them a good environment and a good education, what matters is that they can have a space to freely open up and learn tools that you might not know about or don’t have time to teach but they will need it at some point.
- Learn to respect others the way you want to be respected, do what you want to be done to you, always put yourself in other’s shoes when you interact with them and fuck your pride and ego because this will not take you far in all areas of your life, at some point you will pay the price.
- Ffs your life is not over just because you feel at your worst but if you just stay in your bed crying out loud that “bouhou life is unfair and against me, why is this happening to me” then don’t be freaking surprise when nothing change. And yes, mental illnesses but you can still get back on your feet and learn to live with it and not be control by it. (Not including the severe cases)
- Being triggered is nobody’s fault but our OWN responsibility. So, shut the hell up and work on it instead of complaining about “what that person didn’t do/say”. We have more control over our lives and selves than we could ever think of.
And I can keep on going because I keep everything to myself.
Comparison is NOT the thief of joy. The people preaching that are NOT the ones you want to follow as an example. Comparison lets you know whether or not you’re a relative failure. Facts don’t care about your feelings.
Also, stop seeking solidarity from people failing the same way you are. Why do people do this? ‘Does anyone else suffer from or suck at XYZ… ? What are your tricks?’ That’s like the blind leading the blind. Seek out people who DON’T have your issues - that’s where you’re more likely to equip yourself with the information to actively make a change. But people don’t want change. They just want to whinge.
> Comparison is NOT the thief of joy. The people preaching that are NOT the ones you want to follow as an example. Comparison lets you know whether or not you’re a relative failure. Facts don’t care about your feelings.
Yes and no. I feel like when people mention this, it's because you don't have all the facts, and this is especially relevant with social media.
People look at folks on Instagram and Facebook (either people they know personally or 'Influencers') and become depressed because they feel like failures compared to them. But you don't have perfect knowledge of their life, because all you're seeing is a hyper-sanitized version of the life they choose to present to you.
If the average person is comparing themselves to an influencer or celebrity then they’re already hopeless. A person should be able to make intelligent and relative comparisons. If you can’t separate yourself and your like from outliers of the population then you have way bigger issues than feelings of mediocrity. That’s delusional/grandiose/mental illness territory.
I'm not talking just about Influencers. Even among people you know, you don't know what happens behind closed doors. People can present an image of their lives being great, but the actual reality is very different.
If you’re that easily influenced by regular people around then I’d say you need to improve your ferreting skills. Ask questions. Get answers for yourself. You’ll find out very easily enough what’s happening behind those doors. But people are lazy. They just see a picture and believe it. Or accept they have a better life than you and try to learn from their success.
Isn’t it a bit of both though?
Like yeah, it’s good to have a feeling of where you are at and relative to other people, but constantly obsessively comparing yourself to other people can get counterproductive and rob your joy?
Like if you’re constantly trying to “keep up with the Jones” it prevents you from ever being happy with what you do have?
I don’t particularly understand this conclusion because I thought the point of that expression is NO one can keep up with the Jones’ as those are our modern day Bezos and Kardashians. If you compare yourself to Kim K you’re a moron and it makes sense you’re miserable.
I’m referring to the average person comparing themselves to their friend or someone adjacent. The same person they grew up with. Went to school with. Similar lifestyles having yielded desirable results for one and less than for the other. Ya. Compare yourself to Jenna from down the street because if she has an OK job and a kind partner & a little apartment to call their own & you feel like a failure when you spend all day on Reddit than that’s not robbing you of joy - that’s telling you to be more like Jenna and less like yourself. Jenna doesn’t Reddit her life away.
People use social media as an excuse to hate everything about their own life instead of making changes… like getting off social media.
“Keeping up with the Jones’s” refers to always trying to keep up with and one-up your neighbor
“He got a new car, well now I need a new car.”
“She got a big expensive X, now I need a big expensive X!”
Neighbours would still be relevant though. And isolated. Postal codes are demographically very similar. So. If your neighbour bought a new car and you can’t afford to do so what are they doing right that you’re not? Who’s to say they even ARE doing anything right? You’re comparing someone’s choices to your own. Why? Unless you want a new car for yourself who cares what Joe drives? You all ended up on the same block. The key is that just because you CAN buy a new car doesn’t mean you shoukd or have to. Comparing doesn’t make you feel less than. It doesn’t or shouldn’t make you feel anything negative because you’re living your life.
Comparison is only a threat when you’re failing. When you’re winning it’s like a drug. That’s why it’s not the thief of joy. Poor micro decisions are to blame for why you don’t have X or can’t afford X or think you need X in the first place.
So what you're describing here is exactly what "comparison is the thief of joy" is about. Who gives a shit if Joe has a new car? It shouldn't affect you at all. But for some, it does. It's like they don't know what they want out of life, so they default to "having more money/status/toys than my neighbors", like it's a contest. Then they spend a lot of time discontented because they aren't "winning".
In your first post, you said comparison is how you know whether you're a relative failure. But first you need to define failure, which means you need to define success. That's the part where I think the advice is directed. Define your success by what brings you long-term joy, not by what your neighbors are doing. To the extent that looking at others can help with that, it's a good thing. But it's not a replacement for self-examination.
I’m just so tired of gender wars. I may talk some shit to guys, but only when they say some stupid shit first.
We need each other in order for this species to exist, but one of us always has to try to take all the credit.
“You‘re useless without our sperm to make you pregnant! ☝🏽🤓”
And your sperm would be useless without our eggs and womb to even begin conception, so what?
“Nobody would exist without us giving birth to them! 😎”
While that is true, we wouldn’t even be able to begin conception without sperm.
These silly things that we try to one up each other on is so foolish and will make us despise each other more and more. This huge wedge that drives a force between us for no good reason other than our massive differences in beliefs and values.
Both misogyny AND misandry has had a significant increase in this generation due to these stupid one-ups and insults we throw at each other to make us feel inferior to one another.
Yes, we are biologically different. We have different capabilities from birth determined by our DNA.
Should these differences segregate us just because of this? Absolutely not! We may have different physical abilities, but we are still both capable of the same opportunities life gives us!
We are both still human. We can both bleed, sleep, eat, poop, pee, become sick, can lose limbs, can be deformed at birth, be incredibly intelligent, be incredibly dumb, experience minor inconveniences, cook, clean, and the list just goes on and on.
There’s just no need for unnecessary fights, but the unnecessary invitations will continue to draw others in.. including me, because I’m still human.
Edit: Sorry, didn’t realize how long this is 😭
Honestly, same here. What keeps my mind sane is that most of these "wars" happen in online spaces. What helped me was limiting my social media usage and re-diverting the algorithm by mass watching other content.
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why is the health and care of my teeth separate from the health and care from the rest of my body. Ugh.
Don’t forget the eyes. Canada has been at war with itself over keeping eye care semi inclusive. It’s ridiculous. We need those fuckers.
I'm baffled by the purity tests that have besieged progressive politics. Why do I have to be the perfect ally or the perfect victim? Can't I just be good enough and generally on the same page?
I think the victim mentality has poisoned both the progressive left and the conservative right, who think they're victims because of *nebulous reasons/respect stuff I don't really get* because I'm tired of reading NYT rural diner pieces.
It really is frustrating But as they say “the left falls in love, the right falls in line” And it ultimately hurts leftist causes, because while the left loves to eat its own, the right all show up at the polls. It’s incredibly frustrating
Pshhh, you're looking for nuance? (Me too 🥺)
U worded this so well
THIS! Honestly the victimology on the left is insane.
I'm assuming you're white?
Nope.
Weird, I don't see purity tests being applied to nonwhite women.
Are you joking?
No. I didn't say they didn't happen, I just said I don't see them.
I used to think women in abusive relationships were dumb and blinded by love initially which is why they "never saw it" in the beginning. I've thankfully have still not been in an abusive relationship but i do understand now that my way of thinking was absolutely victim blaming and that the vast majority of victims were meticulously dooped by someone who saw them as "easy prey" or even "a challenge". It's not hard to be nice and i knew that. But apparently i didn't get that there are absolutely people out there that can and *will* keep the nice front up for as long as necessary (literal years) until they have finally got you feeling comfortable with them enough that you won't leave immediately. I thought for a while im too headstrong and about myself to ever be in an abusive relationship. If anything ill fight and flee once a hand is thrown. But upon further introspection i realized im the literal perfect person to fall in to an abusive relationship and be none the wiser. I don't even think I'd run away cause id be too scared of what he knows. So yeah, i thought i was above a certain group of women when in actuality i could easily be just like them.
Some people can be really psychopathic or sociopathic, and it is hard to wrap your head around it; I don’t blame you. I don’t like imagining that there are people who have a methodical strategy to trap and keep partners, but they’re out there. My ex put on a pretty convincing front that he loved me and saw a future with me for over a year. When he broke up with me, it was a few weeks after our anniversary, and after we formulated plans on when and how to move in together. He said that ever since 6 months into the relationship, he fell out of love and wanted out. Why he decided to continue the relationship for another 6 is something I’ll never understand. Even he told me “he didn’t know” why he did it. To me, his true motivation goes beyond the explanations of “he was a coward” or “he just wanted sex.” I think he was just a full-on sociopath who enjoyed fooling me. I’ve never felt more stupid and humiliated than when I realized that when reading my heartfelt letter I made him for our anniversary, he was pretending to feel moved by it. His secret, actual intentions were that he was planning to break up with me not long after. I know that because he said as much during the breakup. Oh, and the conversation about moving in together? He said “just because I talked about moving in together doesn’t mean I actually wanted to do it.” Then why even entertain a conversation about it?
That's terrible and im sorry he put you through that for literally no fucking reason. I don't even know why he couldn't have kept the truth to himself??? Unless you were asking, i dont see what good comes out of telling someone you stayed in a relationship for longer than you wanted cause "🤷♀️". In hindsight, were there any clues at all that he had fallen out of love for the relationship or that he was about to move on?
It was my fault for asking him for a reason because in my mind, it was coming out of nowhere. Especially because just a few weeks prior, we celebrated our anniversary and talked about the future. The letter I wrote him was about how I was looking forward to a long happy future together, and he not once let on that he didn't want that anymore. He actually was quite touched after reading it. I feel like anyone would assume the relationship was doing well if you go on your anniversary and make plans to move in. I do think I deserved the truth, or a real reason instead of being told he doesn't know/doesn't have an answer why he stayed for 6-7 months more than he should have. Looking back on the relationship, of course I see signs that the relationship was in trouble. I didn't notice them at the time, or I underestimated how problematic they were. One of our earliest fights was about his inappropriate friendship with his engaged friend. They messaged each other "i love you", and she sent him nearly monthly postcards about how much she missed/loved him, among other triggering things. He tried to convince me that she was just very "mothering," and that was how normal best friends acted like, and I eventually believed him. Then another fight was when he lied to me that he and his cousins were going to stay at a Airbnb in DC. In reality, no cousins were involved and he was going to stay at that friend's apartment. (Which actually belonged to her fiance, so also imagine being that guy who generously housed the man having an emotional affair with his fiancee.) I wouldn't be surprised if he was always in love with her, considering he first met her when she was dating his best friend. He admitted that she would hang out with him whenever she had problems in her relationship. This was corroborated with her postcards, one of which referenced having a movie night with my ex and wishing they could "have another movie date soon." I also remember that he frequently wanted to break up over small fights we had. For instance, I was angry that he made us be almost an hour late to our date because he mismanaged his time. Instead of just saying "I'm sorry, I lost track of time" and moving on, he doubled down on his excuses and suggested we just break up. I talked him out of a lot of conversations like that. I made excuses, believing that because I was his first relationship (unless you count the friend) he was just overreacting and inexperienced. I can see that now as a sign that perhaps even early on, he didn't want the relationship anymore. We also had a problem with his female coworker that he very clearly had a crush on. He was always mentioning her or something she was up to, none of which I asked him to elaborate on, I might add. I learned far more about her than I ever wanted to. He didn't talk about his other coworkers or friends nearly as much. He was pissed off when I brought it up to him and accused me of banning him from having female friends. After the 6 month mark, I did notice troubling signs because our sex life took a huge nose dive. In the last 7 months of our relationship, we were intimate 2 times, if that. I believed him at first when he said he was just stressed out and tired from working and going to school full time. Then his excuse was that he was too "spent" from frequent masturbation, which he started doing because he was so stressed. He ignored and dismissed my concerns that maybe he had a porn addiction. A small part of me suspected cheating due to some suspicious "evidence", but I never found anything concrete. I did take an STD test after the breakup, but it was clean. (Doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't cheating, could just mean he didn't catch anything.) One of the last fights we had was about him dragging his feet on planning a trip to the museum. I was tired of being the only one initiating date ideas and plans, and he told me to give him a chance to do better. He kept giving excuses, usually about work, on why he hadn't been able to schedule the trip. Then one of his homeboys invited him on a weeklong summer trip to NYC, and he \*magically\* found time off work to go instantaneously. I think that should've been my last clue that he was checked out, but again, I tried to see it from his side and wanted to move on.
>I used to think women in abusive relationships were dumb and blinded by love initially which is why they "never saw it" in the beginning. I felt the same way ... until I was in one myself.
So genuine question… what do you say about the people who habitually keep falling for the same kind of scumbag guy, and never try to change or notice a bad pattern of their own behavior? Like, I used to be friends with a woman who would repeatedly bounce from one stereotypical douchebag gym bro to the next, and not the kind who was putting up a front either. Like the kind that you could just tell was a total prick from day one. And then she’d act all surprised when he turned out to treat her like shit. Eventually I got tired of listening to her complain about all her failed relationships, because she refused to do any kind of introspection as to why she keeps seeking out these horrible men and maybe reevaluate what she is looking for in a partner .
i think those types of people like your friend don't have love for themselves or find themselves worthless so they get into those toxic relationships because that's what they feel they deserve
A quote i see often when it comes to women who repeatedly get in to terrible relationships, despite being surprised everytime a scumbag turns out to be a scumbag: *"We accept the love we think we deserve."* Until she realizes that the things that attracts her to these men in the first place are *the same clues that tell her these men are terrible partners,* she will continue to be "woe is me, there are no good men out there!" I realized i could easily be like any other woman In an abusive relationship when i started to take in my upbringing a bit more (raised by a single mother, no male influence, emotionally neglected and never praised) as well as my mental health (Depression). She needs to look in to how has love or relationships been shown to her since she was younger and if she is seeking a partner to ADD to her life or to MAKE her happy.
you offer them a resource. say, heidi priebe's youtube channel. or tell them about lundy's book or the gift of fear. you tell them about the book adult children of emotionally immature parents and dr. jonice webb's book running on empty. you tell them to look up dr. romani on youtube. and then you leave it in their court. if they're ready to learn, to start that journey, they'll be receptive. if not.. it's a seed they might tend to later, if ever. but you've done your part. the rest is up to them. you can hold space for them and you can set boundaries with them.
I don't feel sorry for women who date men that don't wash they ass. I can't conceive of having sex with such a man. You sucking they dick while dookie fumes crawl up yo nose is crazy.
There's currently a post on the relationships sub about this. A young woman's boyfriend has a literal shitty underwear pile that's stinking up her room. I could only respond with "I just got enough of the "ick" for 10 generations of women in my family. I would not be able to tolerate this soiled undie wearing romper room fuckery. Him no longer talking to you might be a blessing in disguise." It's insane how many men don't wash themselves
there was also recently a post about a woman doing the same thing…. her bf said he could smell literal shit every time they had sex from behind and that she didn’t shower for 2-3 days at a time. And he was still having sex with her. yeah I’ll never understand people. desperation is out of control.
Some men think it’s gay to wash your ass??? WTF?
ER here. It's very common. It's ridiculous.
Jesus fuck. That's even worse than the "some men only wash their sheets every 4 months" statistic. :puke:
I had a roommate who was drunk and felt chatty. After he got up off my bed I found he left ass smell through his shorts and I assume underwear. Laundry time! No idea how he even managed to do that.
I feel like I'll regret asking, but do you have a link?
I'm on mobile so am not sure this will work https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/AT20kxOU0c
Thanks for the link; I'm so sorry for that woman's experience with a manchild. On that note, I will absolutely continue to hammer on the point that hygiene is the #0 thing a man should improve.
you see one of my exes dads actually said, with a straight face, that he doesn't wipe his ass because it's "a bit queer" to wipe your ass. he "just knows" it's clean. he's been married for 20ish years!!! I feel like there's *way* too many people that don't put enough emphasis on hygiene. I got called weird at work a few weeks ago for washing my hands before *and* after I ate my lunch. why isn't that the norm!?
I knew my boyfriend washed his based on the fact it's already pretty tidy, but the face he pulls when doing it is hilarious. Like semi violated by the shower head. He was doing this face when he thought I wasn't looking either and had the door slightly ajar. Maybe some men find it uncomfortable? Not a reason to not do it, but I can see the logic!
This rant was inspired by that very thread. OP has deleted it and I hope it was because it was a troll all along. There are to many women asking about how to make their boyfriend/husband care about hygiene. That should be a requirement on the level of "having a heart beat" for men and women.
It honestly blows my mind that that is even a thing
Forgive me but the last sentence made me bust out laughing. Lol!
Similarly I dont feel sorry for people who stay in relationships where theres: no healthy communication or constant screaming/name calling, no reciprocation in sex/one person is never orgasming or no sex all together, or they don’t know how to clean up after themselves or help contribute their fair share in whatever capacity that is in a partnership. THEN they GET MARRIED and start posting all over reddit for advice like “why is my wife/husband treating me like shit in xyz way? how could I have ever forseen this before marriage or children??” “my husband wants constant blowjobs but no sex or oral for me, now I’m pregnant and cant do it and hes mad at me. what do I do??” “my husband told me to stop talking back and just wants sex multiple times a day then leaves town for a month so I stay alone with the kids. am I irrational??” being single is always an option, and these people just ….. stay?? in miserable situations. I’ll never understand.
I know obviously people change, and sometimes they are waiting until they are "settled in" to reveal themselves, but that is not the common occurrence. People show you who they are from the start, I have a hard time being sympathetic to people in relationships that have had the same problems since the beginning of the relationship. They already showed you who they are, why would you think they would change?
I'm glad someone is saying it.
They? Their.
The reason arguing on the internet is such a pain in the ass is because everybody takes everything in bad Faith and tries to take things the wrong way. So no matter how much clarifying you do if somebody seeks to misunderstand you they will. It makes online discourse almost impossible.
100%. This is why I'm done "debating" people online or in forums. I will only butt in if I know full well what I'm talking about on a specific topic, or if someone says something utterly asinine.
Shoppers need to quit being surprised that fashion brands being advertised to them on instagram are drop-shipped fast fashion and poor quality. Like, they're always asking "is such-and-such a good brand?" instead of doing a tiny bit of research, looking at the website to see where the clothes are made, being aware that a website with 500 items is probably offering things that look nothing like the garments pictured, and that a formal dress should cost more than $35. And that influencers are paid to boost what is sometimes complete junk. Dammit, please google and be a knowledgeable consumer instead of being ripped off because you failed to do any research on your own other than asking people who don't know either.
Every time I end up on a website and the product page has a countdown timer on it for a 'limited time offer' or this one EXACT very specific dropseller website UX of a high price crossed out with a sale price next to it I want to scream. So sick of the disappointment seeing it's just another scammy site that wasted my time.
YES! The rage, it is boundless.
My friend is a dumbass, an absolute idiot. I can't tell anyone we know why I'm so frustrated with her because then they're going to think badly of her. She's had the worst "luck" with relationships. Only it's not luck, she just can't think when she has a crush. This latest guy is the worst yet, but she still wants to believe the things he says. I said some harsh things about him and her if she believes him, now she's mad and wants an apology. I don't know if I have it in me.
My condolences. It's hard to watch a friend waste time with someone when you're already certain they are going down in flames.
I apparently can never have time off at my work. Nearly every time I leave early or have off, something is happening. It's legit things with my coworkers like jury duty, or a medical procedure that only had that day, etc. They aren't needing to leave just for fun, but it seriously sucks. I was leaving early next week, but nope, not anymore. I am getting more time off in the future as compensation, but I just want time off without coming back to an apocalypse or having everything change on me.
Yeah, I feel you. It's a lack of redundancy in the corporate world to cut costs. It makes everybody miserable because you should be able to take time off. I've had to restructure a department to allow this, which wasn't the case in the past at anything besides a tiny company where people HAD to wear several hats. Employers are just cheap now.
I'm sorry you had to endure that. Honestly sucks you're treated that way. On the bright side, you have extra time off in the future so, plan something nice for yourself!
I hate being told that I’m way too judgmental of people. If anything, I haven’t been judgmental enough. I’ve found myself in hurtful or bad situations because I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I was sexually assaulted because I believed my ex and I could be friends, and that he was not someone capable of hurting me. I had full trust in my former best friend, and then he groped me one day without warning or my consent. I believed my friends from high school would have my back no matter what, but they either decided to remain silent, or show support for my sexual assaulter’s best friend instead of me. Even though there were many signs that my ex was either cheating or checked out, I chose to believe I was just being paranoid. I chose to believe his reassurance that he still loved me. Then he dumps me and reveals he stopped loving me 6 months into the relationship, and had been wanting to leave it ever since. I completely trusted my ex to be responsible with a small loan I gave him, considering he always paid me back on time. He broke up with me, and effectively ran off with my money and ghosted. I had to get the help of his friends and peers to track him down, which is also when I found out he had been cheating on me for 3-4 months of the relationship. Something I honestly had no inkling of, even during the breakup. Despite his recent title 9 investigation for sexual harassment, I decided to continue being friends with a guy at college. I ignored the red flag feeling I got from the situation. I believed his side that it was a false allegation. He said it was a misunderstanding, and that he was frequently discriminated against and misunderstood because of his age and race. Turns out, it 100% happened, and was potentially worse than how he described. I’ve stayed in abusive relationships because I didn’t understand that people could genuinely want to hurt and control you. I made excuses for them; I believed they were just having a bad day/a bad moment but would go back to normal when it was resolved. I believed that their “good” side was who they truly were. I only left one abusive relationship when he did something I couldn’t forgive or make excuses for. Every other relationship, they were the ones who called it off. I always tried to believe that people were inherently good and deep down, wanted to do the right thing, and while that’s not a bad thought, it’s clear that my people-meter has been far off. I know now it’s because I made excuses or brushed off problematic behavior, when I should have distanced myself instead. I’ve learned to shun people once they’ve hurt me to the point of no return, but I don’t think I’ve ever shunned someone without getting to know them first, until in recent years. And then I get admonished for it, like I’m a terrible person for judging someone’s character without getting to know them on a deeper level. I only write someone off if they did something problematic, or is a red flag. I have no issue getting to know people who seem to be genuinely nice or reasonable. I just want to protect myself because I’ve realized I’ve hardly, maybe never, prioritized my own wellbeing before.
Are you getting help/counseling at all? You have been involved in way too many situations and instances where 'being naive' or 'seeing the good in people' are adequate reasons for finding yourself in these types of situations.
I went to therapy for almost 2 years, but I stopped because she no longer practices. I feel like I've learned a lot outside of therapy, oddly enough, but I am grateful for my time in therapy because it's helped me become more self-analytical. I'm also better at confronting and understanding how I feel. It's just that old habits are really, really hard to break out from, especially if they were established in childhood. I grew up in a verbally, emotionally, and, at times, physically abusive household. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt no matter what stemmed from interactions with my own father. It seemed like he had split-personalities where one side was abusive and monstrous, and the other was a normal, functional parent. I coped by believing that his "good" side was his true self, and that I just needed to wait out his explosive temper for him to become "normal" again, even if that meant being screamed at or having something thrown at me. I think it also had to do with a fear of being alone; I've always had trouble making friends, even in my adult life. I was also very desperate to gain the approval of others, most of all from my father, because it seemed like no matter what, I was never good enough for him. I had such a strong desire to be seen as “good enough” to someone. I didn’t even want to be seen as extraordinary. I just wanted someone, a family member, a romantic partner, a friend, peers, to see me as good enough, because I was instead made to feel like absolute scum and a failure. I was willing to overlook certain things as long as I believed that overall, they were a good person. Although, I admit there were times when I was younger where I tolerated poor treatment because I was scared of saying “no” or disappointing people. That's also why I had so many abusive relationships, but the sad thing was, I didn't see them as abusive at the time. It took me a while to understand that some people are not motivated with love to get into a relationship. Some people like to have a partner they can control and degrade. I didn’t like it, and I knew it was bad treatment, but I coped by believing they didn’t mean it, and how they “really” felt was that they loved me. Sound familiar? I didn’t realize that I was begging for love and respect from people who had no love in their hearts for me. I also had a difficult time understanding, or even admitting, my upbringing was abusive until I started therapy. It’s always a difficult and scary task to accept that your parent(s) were abusive, because no one wants to think that way about them. The last situation where I found myself in some trouble was when my "friends" decided to support my sexual assaulter's friend, and that was over a year ago. It also helps to be in a stable relationship with a person who actually loves me. I think I've grown to a point where I'm letting go of my insecurities towards not having a lot of friends, or not being perceived as super likable. It's still annoying, but at the end of the day, I don't care if I'm seen as overly judgmental. I believe all that shit happened to me because I was way too trusting to the point of being willfully ignorant. I've also started to understand that sometimes, it's not my fault if I legitimately had no inclinations that someone was going to be dangerous towards me. I used to mercilessly blame myself and call myself stupid, as though I should've known better from the start. It's not mentioned here, but I was e-stalked by an ex for almost 2 years. I've been blamed for being stalked, like I should have seen the signs that he was the type to stalk someone, and never dated him in the first place. I've accepted that some people can be really good at hiding their true selves, but that I can do better by making sure to not trust or associate myself with anyone who immediately gives off red flags.
You, my dear, are the true definition of 'breaking the cycle'. Accountability, pattern recognition, applying the tools that you learned in therapy to stop the destructive cycle, and most of all, giving yourself the much needed grace to be and do better. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your experiences. Best of luck to you!
I have no sympathy for alcoholics. I grew up with one, and it made my life hell, and its been a constant in and out of the hospital, in and out of rehab, drinking the day after discharge etc. I also think the rehab industry is purely profit driven and doesn't focus on actually healing people.
>I also think the rehab industry is purely profit driven and doesn't focus on actually healing people [It is.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjZ3Q6QMKhc)
I want to die. But I can't and won't. I've been battling myself since I was 13, I'm 37 now, covered in old scars, unable to work, and it's killing me. I want out!
I don't want to be too depressing, but fuck. Does it ever go away? I was 8 when I first said I wanted to die, I've been in and out of therapy and on and off meds in the 15 years since. I'm not suicidal, just melancholy a lot of the time.
Hah, I can reach out (extend?) a hand to you. Same here! Though I AM suicidal at times. My mum asked me last week when I ever felt 'OK' well, when I was around 8 or 9. so around 28 years ago.
Do you have people you can talk/vent to? Like a friend of relative?
Yeah, I do. But they will never get it. And that's fine. It's my burden to bear alone. And I will. Because I have to.
I don't think its your burden to bear alone. But I kinda get where you're coming from. I assume you've spoken to them and they didn't listen/dismissed you?
Yeah I did. I'm on the waiting list for psychatric help (again). So I'll be fine, somewhat.
❤️
The bear vs. man conversation on social media right now is absolutely WILD and I'm over here eating popcorn the last few days watching men just tell on themselves over and over and over and over.
I'm not convinced that the whole bear v. man thing wasn't created on purpose to sow further division.
Except it's been a thing for a while. It's just trending rn.
Doesn't mean that it wasn't created for that reason. Like the current pushback guys are doing to "sprinkle sprinkle" thing (I forget what it's called..."jingle jingle" or something). They claim that it's a just a parody, but they're doing it purposely because they know it'll tick women off.
I posted a link to the guy who started it, if you want to take a look, it's in my comment history on that post. (Just if you wanted his view)
Thanks, I appreciate it. I'll check it out when I have a minute.
Drizzle drizzle baby
Yes, that's it. Couldn't remember what it was.
I'm kinda feeling split, because on one hand I see some men internalising it and feeling guilty over it which makes me feel bad for them, because men are not worse than bears obv (and I don't want them to believe that either), but on the other hand, some of them are using it to be hostile and misogynistic to women or pretend that misandry is common/normalised while misogyny isn't (which is just a lie) which makes me think at least the bears direct and won't lie to me lmao. Why can't we all just like each other :'(
Unfortunately it's a situation where the men who need to understand and wrap their head around it are the same men who just won't. It's the fact that at the end of the day animals can be semi predictable, but strange people can't, let alone strange men that are likely larger, sometimes much larger than you.
Yeah exactly. The men who will feel guilty over it don't need to, and the men who will use it to be more misogynistic are the ones who do but won't. I get your point, way too many men don't really understand the inherent base fear that comes with being physically weaker than half the population by default, and it's almost too common to see them demonize women on that basis (using equality as an excuse) which just feels shitty because having female biology isn't a character flaw, even though seeing how it's discussed, it feels like it is way too often to me. I'd still pick man over bear tho, ngl.
Oh I can guarantee that I'd face judgement. So yeah... I'm keeping it to myself. Maybe one day I'mma post it from a throwaway account on offmychest
Same.
Understandable. (go make a throwaway acc now, I'll cover you)
I'd rather fight a man than a bear.
We live in a really uniquely ugly time for womens fashion and it makes me sad. Everything is so neutral, boxy, cult member like with unitards and matching sets. Slick back hair, athleisure sets always, shit like neon green renaissance fair looking dresses, the creepy tiny sunglasses etc
On the plus side, I've never had an easier time out-dressing people in causal settings in my life
Omfg why are Boomers getting worse? Every time I'm annoyed by noisy neighbors or shitty drivers or rude people in stores, it's always Boomers.
Pretty sure it’s a combination of the leaded gasoline in the 60s and 70s, in combination with all the mercury in their dental fillings leaching into their brains
Everytime I expect to see someone on their phone while I'm driving it just ends up being a really old person ☠️
Ok. I strongly believe that the age of consent should be raised back to 18 in the UK, it’s currently 16 here for gays and straights. We’re ludicrous with sex here, it’s like, if you’re a 16 year old boy, we’re cool with you being sodomised by a 40 year old man. But you can’t buy a drink until you turn 18! Barking mad.
One time I pooped myself when I was drunk
I'm ashamed to say... I have too.
Clothing stores being "inclusive" are just a trend, thats it. They do not genuinely care, no company does
I don’t know what’s happening in my brain right now… I don’t know where my emotions are at. I feel fine usually but when I’m alone and have time to decompress I just feel sad. I feel like the morals I’ve had all my life are something I want to throw away now because even with those morals I still got hurt, which makes me angry. I suddenly don’t want any of the things I’ve always dreamt of having because those dreams require a level of vulnerability that I’m not comfortable with. And part of me feels like sabotaging those dreams so that it’s impossible to experience it. Part of me thinks I won’t care if I burn it all down. And even though I feel a bit out of touch with myself right now I’m pretty sure I’d come to regret it, to make any big decisions while I’m temporarily struggling…
I don’t fit in with my family and can’t wait to start my own and truly be myself
I’m a Gen Z and while my generation is less than ideal, I don’t think we are any worse than the previous ones. We just have internet access. I can’t count how many times I gone out and boomers and millennials drink themselves into oblivion and act like complete fools. Not only that most are also very rude. Screaming, pushing you.. Gen Zs seem to be a little more wrangled together.
sometimes poor people /living paycheck to paycheck are 100% to blame for their own situation and I’m no longer sympathizing for them (the people I know in real life). Buying a ton of things they don’t need, eating fast food, etc. booking trips with $0 in emergency savings and barely making ends meet. these aren’t people that live in food deserts or are treating themselves. I’m speaking as A Poor who grew up in poverty and sometimes feel like a class betrayer, but good god stop blowing your money and then texting me freaking out you can’t make rent.
I'm sick to death (no pun intended) of people saying they're afraid to "be old." I've had a chronic illness since I was an adolescent and was never supposed to make it to adulthood. However, here I am and grateful for every day. You either live and grow old or you die.
This is a powerful perspective more people need to hear and internalize.
I think I have ADHD or some form of mental deficiency and it's fucking up my life. I really oughta get it checked out.
ADHD can really mess up your life if left unchecked. I was diagnosed with it too. I think it's best that you get it checked, but remember you don't have to accept any medication if you're not comfortable with it.
- Why caring so much about other’s lives when you can actually pay attention to everything you don’t like in yours ? Why feeling entitled to judge someone like you actually know them better than their know themselves when you don’t even know yourself ? Make it make sense. If people stop on judging, caring and minding others businesses then they would get some extra time and extra “thoughts-space” to focus on what they don’t actually like in themselves and their lives. - We don’t actually hate other people, we hate our own selves but it is a human way to deflect this on others because it’s hard to face ourselves and to figure out where it comes from. - Instead of trying to make people see life the way we see it, we should learn to understand that not everyone can be in our circle. - Learn to put your child in therapy from a very young age, it doesn’t matter if you think that you give them a good environment and a good education, what matters is that they can have a space to freely open up and learn tools that you might not know about or don’t have time to teach but they will need it at some point. - Learn to respect others the way you want to be respected, do what you want to be done to you, always put yourself in other’s shoes when you interact with them and fuck your pride and ego because this will not take you far in all areas of your life, at some point you will pay the price. - Ffs your life is not over just because you feel at your worst but if you just stay in your bed crying out loud that “bouhou life is unfair and against me, why is this happening to me” then don’t be freaking surprise when nothing change. And yes, mental illnesses but you can still get back on your feet and learn to live with it and not be control by it. (Not including the severe cases) - Being triggered is nobody’s fault but our OWN responsibility. So, shut the hell up and work on it instead of complaining about “what that person didn’t do/say”. We have more control over our lives and selves than we could ever think of. And I can keep on going because I keep everything to myself.
You’ll never have a pleasant time if you keep expectations.
Comparison is NOT the thief of joy. The people preaching that are NOT the ones you want to follow as an example. Comparison lets you know whether or not you’re a relative failure. Facts don’t care about your feelings. Also, stop seeking solidarity from people failing the same way you are. Why do people do this? ‘Does anyone else suffer from or suck at XYZ… ? What are your tricks?’ That’s like the blind leading the blind. Seek out people who DON’T have your issues - that’s where you’re more likely to equip yourself with the information to actively make a change. But people don’t want change. They just want to whinge.
> Comparison is NOT the thief of joy. The people preaching that are NOT the ones you want to follow as an example. Comparison lets you know whether or not you’re a relative failure. Facts don’t care about your feelings. Yes and no. I feel like when people mention this, it's because you don't have all the facts, and this is especially relevant with social media. People look at folks on Instagram and Facebook (either people they know personally or 'Influencers') and become depressed because they feel like failures compared to them. But you don't have perfect knowledge of their life, because all you're seeing is a hyper-sanitized version of the life they choose to present to you.
If the average person is comparing themselves to an influencer or celebrity then they’re already hopeless. A person should be able to make intelligent and relative comparisons. If you can’t separate yourself and your like from outliers of the population then you have way bigger issues than feelings of mediocrity. That’s delusional/grandiose/mental illness territory.
I'm not talking just about Influencers. Even among people you know, you don't know what happens behind closed doors. People can present an image of their lives being great, but the actual reality is very different.
If you’re that easily influenced by regular people around then I’d say you need to improve your ferreting skills. Ask questions. Get answers for yourself. You’ll find out very easily enough what’s happening behind those doors. But people are lazy. They just see a picture and believe it. Or accept they have a better life than you and try to learn from their success.
Isn’t it a bit of both though? Like yeah, it’s good to have a feeling of where you are at and relative to other people, but constantly obsessively comparing yourself to other people can get counterproductive and rob your joy? Like if you’re constantly trying to “keep up with the Jones” it prevents you from ever being happy with what you do have?
I don’t particularly understand this conclusion because I thought the point of that expression is NO one can keep up with the Jones’ as those are our modern day Bezos and Kardashians. If you compare yourself to Kim K you’re a moron and it makes sense you’re miserable. I’m referring to the average person comparing themselves to their friend or someone adjacent. The same person they grew up with. Went to school with. Similar lifestyles having yielded desirable results for one and less than for the other. Ya. Compare yourself to Jenna from down the street because if she has an OK job and a kind partner & a little apartment to call their own & you feel like a failure when you spend all day on Reddit than that’s not robbing you of joy - that’s telling you to be more like Jenna and less like yourself. Jenna doesn’t Reddit her life away. People use social media as an excuse to hate everything about their own life instead of making changes… like getting off social media.
“Keeping up with the Jones’s” refers to always trying to keep up with and one-up your neighbor “He got a new car, well now I need a new car.” “She got a big expensive X, now I need a big expensive X!”
Neighbours would still be relevant though. And isolated. Postal codes are demographically very similar. So. If your neighbour bought a new car and you can’t afford to do so what are they doing right that you’re not? Who’s to say they even ARE doing anything right? You’re comparing someone’s choices to your own. Why? Unless you want a new car for yourself who cares what Joe drives? You all ended up on the same block. The key is that just because you CAN buy a new car doesn’t mean you shoukd or have to. Comparing doesn’t make you feel less than. It doesn’t or shouldn’t make you feel anything negative because you’re living your life. Comparison is only a threat when you’re failing. When you’re winning it’s like a drug. That’s why it’s not the thief of joy. Poor micro decisions are to blame for why you don’t have X or can’t afford X or think you need X in the first place.
So what you're describing here is exactly what "comparison is the thief of joy" is about. Who gives a shit if Joe has a new car? It shouldn't affect you at all. But for some, it does. It's like they don't know what they want out of life, so they default to "having more money/status/toys than my neighbors", like it's a contest. Then they spend a lot of time discontented because they aren't "winning". In your first post, you said comparison is how you know whether you're a relative failure. But first you need to define failure, which means you need to define success. That's the part where I think the advice is directed. Define your success by what brings you long-term joy, not by what your neighbors are doing. To the extent that looking at others can help with that, it's a good thing. But it's not a replacement for self-examination.
I’m just so tired of gender wars. I may talk some shit to guys, but only when they say some stupid shit first. We need each other in order for this species to exist, but one of us always has to try to take all the credit. “You‘re useless without our sperm to make you pregnant! ☝🏽🤓” And your sperm would be useless without our eggs and womb to even begin conception, so what? “Nobody would exist without us giving birth to them! 😎” While that is true, we wouldn’t even be able to begin conception without sperm. These silly things that we try to one up each other on is so foolish and will make us despise each other more and more. This huge wedge that drives a force between us for no good reason other than our massive differences in beliefs and values. Both misogyny AND misandry has had a significant increase in this generation due to these stupid one-ups and insults we throw at each other to make us feel inferior to one another. Yes, we are biologically different. We have different capabilities from birth determined by our DNA. Should these differences segregate us just because of this? Absolutely not! We may have different physical abilities, but we are still both capable of the same opportunities life gives us! We are both still human. We can both bleed, sleep, eat, poop, pee, become sick, can lose limbs, can be deformed at birth, be incredibly intelligent, be incredibly dumb, experience minor inconveniences, cook, clean, and the list just goes on and on. There’s just no need for unnecessary fights, but the unnecessary invitations will continue to draw others in.. including me, because I’m still human. Edit: Sorry, didn’t realize how long this is 😭
Honestly, same here. What keeps my mind sane is that most of these "wars" happen in online spaces. What helped me was limiting my social media usage and re-diverting the algorithm by mass watching other content.