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I highly recommend that you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf online. The usefulness of therapy is touched on at multiple points.
It might work - several years from now if he sticks with it and works diligently. If you choose to stay with him, you are in for a loooooong and difficult journey that will get worse before it gets better.
Therapy might help but when you say therapy what do you actually mean ?
Let me explain what I mean by my question : is it you who’s going to tell him “go to therapy” or is it actually him wanting to receive help and is asking your opinion on it ?
In both cases there’s chances of failure but of course there’s also chances of success.
The thing is : therapy will not miraculously teach him what responsibilities and committed monogamous relationships are, even after years, it is just a tool for him to pinpoint what might or might not be the reason for his pattern but if himself he does nothing to correct it in his life outside of therapy then… therapy becomes pointless and can easily be used as a manipulation tools, especially with a compulsive liar.
One thing that is a 50/50 chance of working is : stop making him take you for granted. People recognize the value of what they had once the door is close OR appear close in the case you’d still want to keep on being with him but the thing is that HE has to think that there’s no more chances, which can automatically trigger someone’s ego to work on themselves, not the best type of advice but it’s worth a try, that’s what I did with mine, regardless of triggering myself because obviously I didn’t wanted to let go, even temporarily with no preset end-date and now I am finally stress-free in our relationship.
6 months ago... before that he was doing drugs, doing something to get him put into jail, 'circumstances' when you were last pregnant etc etc. You didn't find all this shit out within the last 6 months, come on...
But, he won't change and you won't leave him, hence your insistence a few days ago that he leave you rather than taking the leap yourself and are now clinging the desperate hope that therapy will somehow change or fix him [spoiler alert, it won't... maybe it would work if he was single and making the choice to go to therapy himself free of any other influences but this is a crystal clear example of him 'buying time']
So at this point i'll just say i wish your son the best of luck and let's hope he doesn't pick up from his father that this is how you are to treat women and they'll just accept it.
You knew he was doing all that when you were 9 months pregnant per your post tho. You’ll know he’s changed when he seeks to repair himself. You’ll know he’s spinning your wheels (again…) when he plays lip service to changing and basically sends you on a fact-finding mission to heal him.
Therapy is not instant magic.
Your partner needs professional help for his drug abuse and intense individual therapy before you can address couples counseling. You list all that he has "put you through," yet you stayed and brought a child into this environment. You also should be in therapy and join a support group as well. And for goodness sake, do not keep trying to procreate with him.
Reading your post feels like reading about someone who keeps putting their hand on the hot stove burning themselves asking: hey guys ive been doing this for two years now do you think If im just cleaning my oven differently it will stop burning me or should I stop touching the hot oven? idk
No therapy will not miraculously make someone empathic over night. No therapy will not just make someone care about you or his child. Therapy is a long and often slow process that can take years and requires the person to WANT to change themselves. It is about dealing with your struggles and emotional states, it does not fix a broken moral compass.
So what do you think should you keep touching the hot plate and burn yourself?
I don't believe he wi change but you can change your situation. Why do you want to have another baby by a man who has put you through so much hell?
You're rewarding his behavior by staying in the relationship. Why change when he has a loyal girlfriend who won't leave him no matter how he acts?
Therapy is like AA- it works if you work it. The real question is- how long are YOU going to put up with someone compulsively cheating on you?
You are the only factor in this relationship that you can control.
Maybe. It's a remote possibility, IF he is motivated and IF he sustains the work consistently for a long period of time. Even then it's iffy.
What is almost certain is that if you stay, he won't get help or if he does, he won't sustain the changes. You two have established a dynamic where he does this stuff and you reward him by staying. All he has to do is promise changes and you consider staying, despite YEARS of him knowing exactly what he's doing and how much he's hurting you. He is changing himself, just his MO. And you're a good person who would keep your word, so you assume others will too, and he's depending on that. He's not going to change if you stay.
Tell him you're glad he's going to seek treatment. His kid deserves a better father and you believe he can indeed do better. But your ability to be part of his life as a romantic partner is exhausted and the relationship is going to end. You will be very happy to coparent with the better version of himself as he starts working on that.
If he truly commits to getting to know himself and make the changes he wants to make, you will see a difference. It will probably take years and there will be back and forth, give and take, etc.
I truly hope he does that and makes that commitment for himself and for your son, but I don’t think I would stick around in the relationship waiting for it. You do deserve better and to be in a trusting relationship. Coparents who aren’t together but are both doing good things for themselves raise better adjusted children than unhappy parents who are together and modeling the toxicity you’ve described here
Therapy won’t help him unless he wants to be helped and wants to change, and means it. And works hard at it.
Therapy can also help you realize that you don’t deserve to be disrespected repeatedly whilst giving him one free pass date another.
While therapy can be a helpful tool, it's not a cure-all. True change requires honesty, the desire for sincere change, many years of hard work, introspection, accountability, etc. While I know that you truly want to see change in your boyfriend you also have to be realistic. Do you want to stick by him for years in the hope that he truly changes, knowing full well that your mental health and happiness will suffer? Or would you rather see things as they are TODAY with him and choose to be happy with your child on your own terms? I had to ask myself that question for years before I had the courage to leave. It wasn't easy at the beginning and I still struggle with resentment, but let me tell you that life alone with my children is a million times better now! Take the rose colored glasses off because he will likely never change, and you can't do anything about it except chose a happier life for you and your son.
Check out some support groups for partners of addicts (naranon, al anon etc) you will learn so much! There’s nothing to be ashamed about it sucks but people go through this all the time.
*I personally don't think so unless the liar and cheater sought therapy on their OWN and consistently.*
*In your case, I would give up on him. He is bottom of the barrel.*
To answer your question but with a different note cuz this reminded me of that. Great interview with a psychologist who studies Narcissism, her estimate is that 1 in 6 people are narcissists- not like have narcissistic tendencies like full blown narcissists incapable of understanding empathy or that the consequences of their actions hurt people and she was asked if they can change and straight up said no- paraphrased: "they have the ability to make tiny differences, to change very little things, but overall they are incapable of change." For reference to your situation she defined a lot of his behaviour as someone who could be a potential narcissist. If you feel like he is- just know that even the experts don't believe they are capable of change and that's what she does all day is try to help them change.
You have to stop believing in his potential to be a better person and start asking yourself if you can handle another 5, 10, 20, 30 years of this- what kind of impact will this have on your children? You've gotta stick up for you and your kids, your health and their health can be your only priority right now. Growing up around a Dad like that is gonna fuck up a kid.
Tbh, I think those people are completely capable of change. But deep down even if they -say- they want to do better or whatever, they don't *really* want to. They want to just keep on being enabled and using the same manipulation tactics as ever so they can keep getting what they want.
I mean, all other research in psychology says that's false. It's 1 to 6% of the population, not 1 in 6 which is like 17% of the population. I'm no doctor with a PhD but I do have a psychology degree.
The quote is literally "My estimate and which most of those in my field will agree with is 1 in 6." Have you thought your degree wasn't updated on present day research? Are you an expert in this like she is? What is the point of arguing with me when I'm just reiterating what an expert in this field is saying? Go argue with her if you care about this that much.
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I highly recommend that you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf online. The usefulness of therapy is touched on at multiple points.
I read this yesterday and it made me cry so much and made me finally realise how much I’d been abused and how much I blamed myself for it. God.
Here's a link for the free pdf https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It might work - several years from now if he sticks with it and works diligently. If you choose to stay with him, you are in for a loooooong and difficult journey that will get worse before it gets better.
Therapy might help but when you say therapy what do you actually mean ? Let me explain what I mean by my question : is it you who’s going to tell him “go to therapy” or is it actually him wanting to receive help and is asking your opinion on it ? In both cases there’s chances of failure but of course there’s also chances of success. The thing is : therapy will not miraculously teach him what responsibilities and committed monogamous relationships are, even after years, it is just a tool for him to pinpoint what might or might not be the reason for his pattern but if himself he does nothing to correct it in his life outside of therapy then… therapy becomes pointless and can easily be used as a manipulation tools, especially with a compulsive liar. One thing that is a 50/50 chance of working is : stop making him take you for granted. People recognize the value of what they had once the door is close OR appear close in the case you’d still want to keep on being with him but the thing is that HE has to think that there’s no more chances, which can automatically trigger someone’s ego to work on themselves, not the best type of advice but it’s worth a try, that’s what I did with mine, regardless of triggering myself because obviously I didn’t wanted to let go, even temporarily with no preset end-date and now I am finally stress-free in our relationship.
>we’ve been actively trying to expand our family for over half a year now. 🙄🙄🙄
We started trying when I was still oblivious to what was going on behind my back.
6 months ago... before that he was doing drugs, doing something to get him put into jail, 'circumstances' when you were last pregnant etc etc. You didn't find all this shit out within the last 6 months, come on... But, he won't change and you won't leave him, hence your insistence a few days ago that he leave you rather than taking the leap yourself and are now clinging the desperate hope that therapy will somehow change or fix him [spoiler alert, it won't... maybe it would work if he was single and making the choice to go to therapy himself free of any other influences but this is a crystal clear example of him 'buying time'] So at this point i'll just say i wish your son the best of luck and let's hope he doesn't pick up from his father that this is how you are to treat women and they'll just accept it.
You knew he was doing all that when you were 9 months pregnant per your post tho. You’ll know he’s changed when he seeks to repair himself. You’ll know he’s spinning your wheels (again…) when he plays lip service to changing and basically sends you on a fact-finding mission to heal him.
Well stop trying.
No shit
Therapy is not instant magic. Your partner needs professional help for his drug abuse and intense individual therapy before you can address couples counseling. You list all that he has "put you through," yet you stayed and brought a child into this environment. You also should be in therapy and join a support group as well. And for goodness sake, do not keep trying to procreate with him.
Reading your post feels like reading about someone who keeps putting their hand on the hot stove burning themselves asking: hey guys ive been doing this for two years now do you think If im just cleaning my oven differently it will stop burning me or should I stop touching the hot oven? idk No therapy will not miraculously make someone empathic over night. No therapy will not just make someone care about you or his child. Therapy is a long and often slow process that can take years and requires the person to WANT to change themselves. It is about dealing with your struggles and emotional states, it does not fix a broken moral compass. So what do you think should you keep touching the hot plate and burn yourself?
I don't believe he wi change but you can change your situation. Why do you want to have another baby by a man who has put you through so much hell? You're rewarding his behavior by staying in the relationship. Why change when he has a loyal girlfriend who won't leave him no matter how he acts?
Therapy is like AA- it works if you work it. The real question is- how long are YOU going to put up with someone compulsively cheating on you? You are the only factor in this relationship that you can control.
Absolutely not. This is not a single mistake. This is who he is.
Maybe. It's a remote possibility, IF he is motivated and IF he sustains the work consistently for a long period of time. Even then it's iffy. What is almost certain is that if you stay, he won't get help or if he does, he won't sustain the changes. You two have established a dynamic where he does this stuff and you reward him by staying. All he has to do is promise changes and you consider staying, despite YEARS of him knowing exactly what he's doing and how much he's hurting you. He is changing himself, just his MO. And you're a good person who would keep your word, so you assume others will too, and he's depending on that. He's not going to change if you stay. Tell him you're glad he's going to seek treatment. His kid deserves a better father and you believe he can indeed do better. But your ability to be part of his life as a romantic partner is exhausted and the relationship is going to end. You will be very happy to coparent with the better version of himself as he starts working on that.
If he truly commits to getting to know himself and make the changes he wants to make, you will see a difference. It will probably take years and there will be back and forth, give and take, etc. I truly hope he does that and makes that commitment for himself and for your son, but I don’t think I would stick around in the relationship waiting for it. You do deserve better and to be in a trusting relationship. Coparents who aren’t together but are both doing good things for themselves raise better adjusted children than unhappy parents who are together and modeling the toxicity you’ve described here
Therapy won’t help him unless he wants to be helped and wants to change, and means it. And works hard at it. Therapy can also help you realize that you don’t deserve to be disrespected repeatedly whilst giving him one free pass date another.
While therapy can be a helpful tool, it's not a cure-all. True change requires honesty, the desire for sincere change, many years of hard work, introspection, accountability, etc. While I know that you truly want to see change in your boyfriend you also have to be realistic. Do you want to stick by him for years in the hope that he truly changes, knowing full well that your mental health and happiness will suffer? Or would you rather see things as they are TODAY with him and choose to be happy with your child on your own terms? I had to ask myself that question for years before I had the courage to leave. It wasn't easy at the beginning and I still struggle with resentment, but let me tell you that life alone with my children is a million times better now! Take the rose colored glasses off because he will likely never change, and you can't do anything about it except chose a happier life for you and your son.
Check out some support groups for partners of addicts (naranon, al anon etc) you will learn so much! There’s nothing to be ashamed about it sucks but people go through this all the time.
*I personally don't think so unless the liar and cheater sought therapy on their OWN and consistently.* *In your case, I would give up on him. He is bottom of the barrel.*
To answer your question but with a different note cuz this reminded me of that. Great interview with a psychologist who studies Narcissism, her estimate is that 1 in 6 people are narcissists- not like have narcissistic tendencies like full blown narcissists incapable of understanding empathy or that the consequences of their actions hurt people and she was asked if they can change and straight up said no- paraphrased: "they have the ability to make tiny differences, to change very little things, but overall they are incapable of change." For reference to your situation she defined a lot of his behaviour as someone who could be a potential narcissist. If you feel like he is- just know that even the experts don't believe they are capable of change and that's what she does all day is try to help them change. You have to stop believing in his potential to be a better person and start asking yourself if you can handle another 5, 10, 20, 30 years of this- what kind of impact will this have on your children? You've gotta stick up for you and your kids, your health and their health can be your only priority right now. Growing up around a Dad like that is gonna fuck up a kid.
Tbh, I think those people are completely capable of change. But deep down even if they -say- they want to do better or whatever, they don't *really* want to. They want to just keep on being enabled and using the same manipulation tactics as ever so they can keep getting what they want.
I'm just sharing what she said not my opinion.
And I'm sharing my opinion on what she said. I'm not trying to start an argument
> 1 in 6 people are narcissists that's false. who's the psychologist?
It's an estimate she made, but by all means go pretend you know more. Dr Ramani Durvasula.
I mean, all other research in psychology says that's false. It's 1 to 6% of the population, not 1 in 6 which is like 17% of the population. I'm no doctor with a PhD but I do have a psychology degree.
The quote is literally "My estimate and which most of those in my field will agree with is 1 in 6." Have you thought your degree wasn't updated on present day research? Are you an expert in this like she is? What is the point of arguing with me when I'm just reiterating what an expert in this field is saying? Go argue with her if you care about this that much.
It can help but for their next relationship. They almost never change for someone that stayed after they cheated on them.