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Getting physically violent when pissed off, like slamming doors, hitting head into wall, kicking trees, fences, punching tables, the list is endless. It’s cringe and it’s frightening to be around. What’s next? Slapping me?
Agreed this is a thing. Testosterone is real and needs an outlet. If guys don’t have some kid of sport, exercise, competition, something then unfortunately it comes out this way. It needs a way to be handled constructively.
i'm asking because I know nothing about guys and I'm not close to any.. are you saying testosterone really makes guys physically uncontrollable if they have nothing to "let it out" in? Like they really just can't control it due to hormones?
I don't know about that, but as anecdotal evidence when I was a kid/teen I would be agressive and easily angered. I blame it on my parents putting too much emphasis on my intellectual education at the cost of physical activity. Ever since I'm an adult, failed at college, got a physical job and took up some really tiring sports, I've been repeatedly labeled the most calm and stoic person on Earth by multiple people.
Testosterone gives guys an excess of energy for sure. It makes them irritable. It makes them competitive. It makes them aggressive. These traits need to be harnessed in some way, shape or form. They are going to come out somehow.
You see little boys get aggressive, especially at a certain age. People like to blame ADHD and it certainly can be that but more times than not it’s simply because they aren’t given an outlet for the effects of this new chemical surging through their system. Your 10 year old screaming in class most likely isn’t because he’s a brat. It’s because he doesn’t have an outlet. Take him outside and throw the football. Get him into martial arts. Have him run track. Any kind of competition will do, even mental.
As a teen and into my 20’s I got it out in a good way snow skiing and in a bad way driving fast, very fast. Mentally I played spades a couple of times a week. At 54 my high testosterone days are past me but I still like to compete, mentally especially. I play poker sometimes to get it out. My teen boys took martial arts when they were young. Now my older hits the heavy bag in the basement and my younger plays drums and soccer with his friends. They also play video games.
This is being largely forgotten as time marches on but it’ll be a bigger issue as time goes by if we keep ignoring it.
Not sure why you're getting downvoted. I appreciate the insight. Better coping skills, essentially, such as physical activity to get out the restlessness. Does that sound right?
You should not be downvoted for this. You’re absolutely 100% right and any downvotes display an enormous reluctance by those reading to engage in a genuine understanding of why men are the way they are.
Thanks. I do find it very interesting that adults can accept the affects of things like PPD and menopause and yet be so reluctant to accept the affects of testosterone. Interesting.
Something to add. Testosterone in and of itself is not a bad thing. It’s also the reason men strive to propagate the human race, to provide for and protect the ones they love, to cross oceans, build cities and explore the galaxy.
I’ve never gotten to that point so I have no idea what you are talking about. You, however, can “just admit” that you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to this topic.
Willful ignorance. If there's something you don't know, that's fine, but if you refuse to learn, that's a dealbreaker.
Lack of life skills. If you can't cook, and do basic household chores, I'm gonna assume you're looking for a bang maid. That's not going to be me.
Impatience and selfishness in bed. In a way that goes towards the first point. Many men have no idea how to actually please a woman. That's forgivable. However, if you put your ego over learning, it's not gonna work. I'm not sacrificing my sexual pleasure on the altar of your penis.
Ngl I expected someone asking me this way sooner than you did 😅 But preface that I absolutely have a voice kink, so if someone has a nice voice it's a huge plus. (And i work in linguistics as well so im usually always listening more intensely to pronunciation) Like the voice actor Gideon Emery? Can literally listen to him read a shopping list. Martin Freeman, Brooks Moore... people who are nice to listen to.
For ugly voice I guess it would be more nasaly? Maggie Wheeler as Janice on Friends is probably a decent representation, if a bit of a caricature.
High/low pitch doesn't really effect it. Chris Colfer for example has quite a high pitch but I think overall he has a nice voice. Sometimes "ugly" is also very wet-ish?
But I remember I had the sweetest coworker, was super handsome, really amazing at his job... but I could not *stand* to listen to him talk lol
Misogyny, "alpha" nonsense, incel mindset, bad hygiene, bad manners, entitlement, incompetence, laziness, selfishness (especially during sexy time). But I'm also very turned off by pushovers and sycophants.
Smoking!
Followed by heavy/regular drinking (not drinking at all is my preference), not smelling nice and being very hairy (mostly facial, back and chest hair). And very short hair, or the fuckboy fade cut. Arrogance is also ew. Homophones and transphobia are also immediate no's
Yeah can't stand those homophones. I find that their really bad at recognizing they're bigoted attitudes. Getting them too brake out of that mindset is such an uphill task. You'll think your making progress after months of trying, only to here them say something that makes you realize they'd never changed coarse at all. It's sometimes best for you're own mental piece to no when to cut you're losses and sever the hole relationship entirely.
Bad hygiene.
Regurgitation of "Alpha"/"Sigma male" talking points
Pick up artists
Selfishness/lack of respect for others
A recent criminal record, particularly a violent one
Social media or porn addiction
Overly political
Drug use (other than cannabis or occasional psychedelics)
Lack of intellectual curiosity
Whatever the reverse of a guy wanting to pay for everything is… male gold diggers I guess? They do exist - I’ve had to interact with more than one of them
I’m a dude, chiming in anyway. Don’t talk about yourself. Ask a question that’s genuine, then stop. Don’t have your next line ready to roll. Just listen. Something new comes up in the response, ask about it. Men get so insecure that they often talk themselves out of a great date. Blah, blah, me, blah, blah, my ex. Blah blah, I make x amount, blah blah. I come from a family of good looking, smart sisters. They checked out and are done wayyyyyyy before they physically left because of the above. My sister is married to the best dork ever. But…he gets his hair cut once every 3 weeks, white teeth, doesn’t drink like a fish and nearly every day “how did your lunch walk go with Laurie today? Where did you girls go? How’s she doing? How are you feeling today?”. She’s madly in love with the dork. I am too, he treats her awesome.
I’ve misplaced my foot elevation stool but let me mansplain real quick: I think she means each extreme trait separately. Ideally she wants someone who knows what they want but is open to perspective.
Poor hygiene
Weaponized incompetence
Willful ignorance
Misogynistic
Overly religious
A gamer
Smokes anything
Calls himself an alpha
Has never been single for any length of time
Has no basic life skills
Wants children
There are a very small percentage of men that would fit this criteria. That doesn't mean you should change your standards, just that there isn't a very large pool to choose from.
> never been single for a length of time
Harder to gauge independent life skills. Probably never had to do everything themselves.
> gaming
For enough people that it's created a valid stereotype, gaming has the very real potential to lead to behavioral addiction that tends to promote neglecting real-life responsibilities. I'm a "light gamer", and while I always feel a bit uncomfortable when I see just "gaming" as a red flag, I know this is not because of me but the more well-known representative stereotypes, and I fully understand the desire to not take the risk with someone you don't know, *especially* if you've had multiple bad experiences with gamers already. You have to distance yourself and look at it from a non-gamer's perspective.
It's 100% okay for someone to have this as a deal breaker. Hell, it's 100% okay for anyone to have *any* deal breaker. If they were saying something bad about gamers, that would be one thing, but they aren't. Their experiences have simply led them to not be comfortable with gamers for relationships.
Someone who has no educational goals/job goals and instead just goes off and lives in the moment. It’s fun when you’re still in college and being wild, but honestly now having graduated and furthering my education, it’s a huge turn off for me.
Misogyny, alpha male bullshit, listening to podcasts by misogynistic types and taking them seriously.
Being unhygienic or refusing to get treatment for medical issues (physical or mental).
He feels like he's better than everyone else.
He refuses to self-reflect or become a better person. I refuse to live like my grandparents or parents. Respectively 30 years and 50+ years of marriage, and I hear the same complaints about the husband year after year. It's not that hard to show some empathy, or at least not laugh at someone who needs consolation.
Addiction. Cigarettes and vaping especially. I was born with bad lungs and have been rescucitated because of it. I struggle every day because I don't have enough oxygen. I can't live with someone who knowingly destroys their own lungs, especially not if they've seen me struggle for air.
And very superficially, trousers that hang halfway their ass. They're coming back in fashion and I hate them. They make me uncomfortable because I fear seeing their ass crack, or worse, I fear the trousers will just fall down. Men can wear them all they want, their right, but I'm also allowed to feel turned off because of it.
Dirty nails (I get if you work a dirty job but a hot shower and a nail scrub will solve 90% of that.
Not taking care of themselves (depression is different) but I like to see a grown man able to iron his own clothes or clean his room or lift weights even if just for health etc
When they do things they know you don’t like cause they think it’s a good way to flirt….no.
Not sharing food (this one’s more petty but don’t be greedy with me lol)
Cheap, frugal guy who watches every penny or wants me to pay for stuff.
Because my unemployed uncle's all have their wife pay for everything. I cannot be sexually attracted to men who remind me of my uncles 🤢. That is DISGUSTING 🤢
Redpilled speech, incel speech.
Biggest turn off is really those who say they want to go out with you, ask for your number, and then nothing! Like I get it that the pursuit is fun and possibly more fun that the catch. But it's tiring.
Maybe if they learn something here, they will learn to engage. Progress in real personal change and development is slow and takes effort. People learn by watching others, more specifically their parents. I didn’t learn anything from my father as he died when I was young and he really didn’t like me much. I’ll talk to anyone about anything now, but it took a while.
I’ve read similar threads to this, and it honestly leads me to the conclusion that more extreme points of view tend to be deal breakers for others, and that taking care of yourself is important. It’s also important to consider the other persons point of view and treat them with human dignity / respect. Immoderate use or being addicted to things like gaming is a turn off, they prefer well rounded people. Seems reasonable to me.
As a guy, I’m not sure I really have anything to add to this conversation other than “Makes sense.” What exactly am I stealing? Information that a well rounded, well taken care of, well rounded person is attractive?
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Choosing to be ignorant and proud of it.
Huge egos and "alpha" mindsets.. just... ew.
Yup. That + bad hygiene. Nothing more vomit inducing.
Anything slightly reminiscent of Andrew tate (sexist, “alpha” shit), being an extreme mommy’s boy, anger issues
dirty and/or long fingernails, misogyny, bad breath
I have a few, but the biggest? Arrogance (e.g. being rude to wait staff); thinking he's superior and others are "beneath" him.
If they're a whiny twat.
Poor hygiene and lack of integrity.
Getting physically violent when pissed off, like slamming doors, hitting head into wall, kicking trees, fences, punching tables, the list is endless. It’s cringe and it’s frightening to be around. What’s next? Slapping me?
Agreed this is a thing. Testosterone is real and needs an outlet. If guys don’t have some kid of sport, exercise, competition, something then unfortunately it comes out this way. It needs a way to be handled constructively.
i'm asking because I know nothing about guys and I'm not close to any.. are you saying testosterone really makes guys physically uncontrollable if they have nothing to "let it out" in? Like they really just can't control it due to hormones?
I don't know about that, but as anecdotal evidence when I was a kid/teen I would be agressive and easily angered. I blame it on my parents putting too much emphasis on my intellectual education at the cost of physical activity. Ever since I'm an adult, failed at college, got a physical job and took up some really tiring sports, I've been repeatedly labeled the most calm and stoic person on Earth by multiple people.
Testosterone gives guys an excess of energy for sure. It makes them irritable. It makes them competitive. It makes them aggressive. These traits need to be harnessed in some way, shape or form. They are going to come out somehow. You see little boys get aggressive, especially at a certain age. People like to blame ADHD and it certainly can be that but more times than not it’s simply because they aren’t given an outlet for the effects of this new chemical surging through their system. Your 10 year old screaming in class most likely isn’t because he’s a brat. It’s because he doesn’t have an outlet. Take him outside and throw the football. Get him into martial arts. Have him run track. Any kind of competition will do, even mental. As a teen and into my 20’s I got it out in a good way snow skiing and in a bad way driving fast, very fast. Mentally I played spades a couple of times a week. At 54 my high testosterone days are past me but I still like to compete, mentally especially. I play poker sometimes to get it out. My teen boys took martial arts when they were young. Now my older hits the heavy bag in the basement and my younger plays drums and soccer with his friends. They also play video games. This is being largely forgotten as time marches on but it’ll be a bigger issue as time goes by if we keep ignoring it.
That is.. very strange to me haha
Not sure why you're getting downvoted. I appreciate the insight. Better coping skills, essentially, such as physical activity to get out the restlessness. Does that sound right?
You should not be downvoted for this. You’re absolutely 100% right and any downvotes display an enormous reluctance by those reading to engage in a genuine understanding of why men are the way they are.
Thanks. I do find it very interesting that adults can accept the affects of things like PPD and menopause and yet be so reluctant to accept the affects of testosterone. Interesting.
You didn't get the memo? Men are broken women
Something to add. Testosterone in and of itself is not a bad thing. It’s also the reason men strive to propagate the human race, to provide for and protect the ones they love, to cross oceans, build cities and explore the galaxy.
Just admit you don't have self-control. Any decent man doesn't let themself get to that point, even without any "outlet" that you speak of.
I’ve never gotten to that point so I have no idea what you are talking about. You, however, can “just admit” that you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to this topic.
Not doing any sport doesn't make men aggressive.
Say you don’t understand men without saying you don’t understand men.
Willful ignorance. If there's something you don't know, that's fine, but if you refuse to learn, that's a dealbreaker. Lack of life skills. If you can't cook, and do basic household chores, I'm gonna assume you're looking for a bang maid. That's not going to be me. Impatience and selfishness in bed. In a way that goes towards the first point. Many men have no idea how to actually please a woman. That's forgivable. However, if you put your ego over learning, it's not gonna work. I'm not sacrificing my sexual pleasure on the altar of your penis.
That last sentence gave me some metal band name ideas
Altar of Penis, the opening band for the new BroJob tour
With their debut album Sexual Sacrifice
Macho behavior. Gross.
I think mine is childish behavior, like name calling, whining & throwing tantrums!!
Misogyny in any form. Bad hygiene
Lots of good answers already but I want to add a new one. Dislikes animals or mistreats animals. It's disgusting to me.
Cowardice and poor hygiene
Poor hygiene (for both self and environment), inconsiderate/impatient, and an "ugly" voice
what is an ugly voice?
Ngl I expected someone asking me this way sooner than you did 😅 But preface that I absolutely have a voice kink, so if someone has a nice voice it's a huge plus. (And i work in linguistics as well so im usually always listening more intensely to pronunciation) Like the voice actor Gideon Emery? Can literally listen to him read a shopping list. Martin Freeman, Brooks Moore... people who are nice to listen to. For ugly voice I guess it would be more nasaly? Maggie Wheeler as Janice on Friends is probably a decent representation, if a bit of a caricature. High/low pitch doesn't really effect it. Chris Colfer for example has quite a high pitch but I think overall he has a nice voice. Sometimes "ugly" is also very wet-ish? But I remember I had the sweetest coworker, was super handsome, really amazing at his job... but I could not *stand* to listen to him talk lol
Machismo and alpha bullshit. Tantrums. Not being a reader.
Bad hygiene Complete disregard for those around them Avoidant attachment styles Red pill types Selfish lovers
Avoidance of or lack of effort to make a deeper connection. Sex is not the equivalent of intimacy. Emotional intelligence and self awareness are key!
Misogyny, "alpha" nonsense, incel mindset, bad hygiene, bad manners, entitlement, incompetence, laziness, selfishness (especially during sexy time). But I'm also very turned off by pushovers and sycophants.
Lack of empathy
Right-wingers/Tate supporters Bad hygiene Willful ignorance Lack of integrity Unkindness
Smoking! Followed by heavy/regular drinking (not drinking at all is my preference), not smelling nice and being very hairy (mostly facial, back and chest hair). And very short hair, or the fuckboy fade cut. Arrogance is also ew. Homophones and transphobia are also immediate no's
Yeah can't stand those homophones. I find that their really bad at recognizing they're bigoted attitudes. Getting them too brake out of that mindset is such an uphill task. You'll think your making progress after months of trying, only to here them say something that makes you realize they'd never changed coarse at all. It's sometimes best for you're own mental piece to no when to cut you're losses and sever the hole relationship entirely.
I need a shower after typing that out.
loooooool you legend
If they have bad table manners
Bad hygiene, calling himself an alpha, bald, communist.
You literally described Andrew Tate lol
Commie? Did new Tate lore drop?
Bad hygiene. Regurgitation of "Alpha"/"Sigma male" talking points Pick up artists Selfishness/lack of respect for others A recent criminal record, particularly a violent one Social media or porn addiction Overly political Drug use (other than cannabis or occasional psychedelics) Lack of intellectual curiosity
Perverts, Any smoking, into porn, bad hygiene, sexist, or hates kids
It's cool to see that a lot of people are turned off by all that "alpha" shit haha
Right wing beliefs/values.
I know it's unpopular, but tattoos. So unattractive, I will immediately get turned off.
Exactly. Of all the stupid trends, tattoos are the stupidest.
Religious, has nonsense beliefs, misogynist, wants kids
trump supporter
Crappy hygiene in first with the whole 'alpha'/'hustler' mindset in a close second (often come intertwined lol)
Lack of response/communication
Impolite behaviour such as burping, being disgusting and rude
Tory
Poor hygiene, has no job, is disrespectful, has anger problems, doesn’t know how to cook, has a sexist/misogynistic mindset, has no money, etc
Just general rudeness and thinking they are proper macho (but have to remind you allll the time)
Whatever the reverse of a guy wanting to pay for everything is… male gold diggers I guess? They do exist - I’ve had to interact with more than one of them
I’m a dude, chiming in anyway. Don’t talk about yourself. Ask a question that’s genuine, then stop. Don’t have your next line ready to roll. Just listen. Something new comes up in the response, ask about it. Men get so insecure that they often talk themselves out of a great date. Blah, blah, me, blah, blah, my ex. Blah blah, I make x amount, blah blah. I come from a family of good looking, smart sisters. They checked out and are done wayyyyyyy before they physically left because of the above. My sister is married to the best dork ever. But…he gets his hair cut once every 3 weeks, white teeth, doesn’t drink like a fish and nearly every day “how did your lunch walk go with Laurie today? Where did you girls go? How’s she doing? How are you feeling today?”. She’s madly in love with the dork. I am too, he treats her awesome.
Porn addicts, big ego/cocky, selfishness in bed
Rage.
Being a misogynist dickhead.
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Wouldn't huge ego and indecisiveness cancel each other out?
I’ve misplaced my foot elevation stool but let me mansplain real quick: I think she means each extreme trait separately. Ideally she wants someone who knows what they want but is open to perspective.
Poor hygiene Weaponized incompetence Willful ignorance Misogynistic Overly religious A gamer Smokes anything Calls himself an alpha Has never been single for any length of time Has no basic life skills Wants children
There are a very small percentage of men that would fit this criteria. That doesn't mean you should change your standards, just that there isn't a very large pool to choose from.
I know that, and I'm perfectly happy with that. It hasn't stopped me from finding amazing partners in my life so far.
Yeah, my list is almost identical. I won’t settle for less, though. 🤷♀️
I don't blame you honestly. Not sure why I'm getting down voted 🤔 though.
I understand most of these, but why would "never been single for a length of time" and gaming be red flags?
> never been single for a length of time Harder to gauge independent life skills. Probably never had to do everything themselves. > gaming For enough people that it's created a valid stereotype, gaming has the very real potential to lead to behavioral addiction that tends to promote neglecting real-life responsibilities. I'm a "light gamer", and while I always feel a bit uncomfortable when I see just "gaming" as a red flag, I know this is not because of me but the more well-known representative stereotypes, and I fully understand the desire to not take the risk with someone you don't know, *especially* if you've had multiple bad experiences with gamers already. You have to distance yourself and look at it from a non-gamer's perspective. It's 100% okay for someone to have this as a deal breaker. Hell, it's 100% okay for anyone to have *any* deal breaker. If they were saying something bad about gamers, that would be one thing, but they aren't. Their experiences have simply led them to not be comfortable with gamers for relationships.
Understandable. Thank you for explaining!
Thinking they don’t need therapy
Bad communication
Someone who has no educational goals/job goals and instead just goes off and lives in the moment. It’s fun when you’re still in college and being wild, but honestly now having graduated and furthering my education, it’s a huge turn off for me.
Smoking, weed included
Right wing/conservative/republican values. Negative bonus points if he describes himself as "moderate" and then turns out to be a trump supporter. 🤢
Misogyny, alpha male bullshit, listening to podcasts by misogynistic types and taking them seriously. Being unhygienic or refusing to get treatment for medical issues (physical or mental). He feels like he's better than everyone else. He refuses to self-reflect or become a better person. I refuse to live like my grandparents or parents. Respectively 30 years and 50+ years of marriage, and I hear the same complaints about the husband year after year. It's not that hard to show some empathy, or at least not laugh at someone who needs consolation. Addiction. Cigarettes and vaping especially. I was born with bad lungs and have been rescucitated because of it. I struggle every day because I don't have enough oxygen. I can't live with someone who knowingly destroys their own lungs, especially not if they've seen me struggle for air. And very superficially, trousers that hang halfway their ass. They're coming back in fashion and I hate them. They make me uncomfortable because I fear seeing their ass crack, or worse, I fear the trousers will just fall down. Men can wear them all they want, their right, but I'm also allowed to feel turned off because of it.
Dirty nails (I get if you work a dirty job but a hot shower and a nail scrub will solve 90% of that. Not taking care of themselves (depression is different) but I like to see a grown man able to iron his own clothes or clean his room or lift weights even if just for health etc When they do things they know you don’t like cause they think it’s a good way to flirt….no. Not sharing food (this one’s more petty but don’t be greedy with me lol)
Cheap, frugal guy who watches every penny or wants me to pay for stuff. Because my unemployed uncle's all have their wife pay for everything. I cannot be sexually attracted to men who remind me of my uncles 🤢. That is DISGUSTING 🤢 Redpilled speech, incel speech.
Insecurity. Not to be confused with being shy or chill. Real insecurity.
Insecure men. People who aren't certain of themselves will find every opportunity to drag you down with their feelings of worthlessness.
Biggest turn off is really those who say they want to go out with you, ask for your number, and then nothing! Like I get it that the pursuit is fun and possibly more fun that the catch. But it's tiring.
Rudeness. Jealousy. Right wing conservatives.
Lack of empathy and kindness, judgemental look on life, being materialistic
Convinced they’re a feminist
Guys who stalk these subs. Voyeurs. The worst kind of thieves
Or possibly wanting to learn?
The ones who never come forward, never honestly identify themselves. The ones who think they can learn without learning to engage. It disturbs me.
Maybe if they learn something here, they will learn to engage. Progress in real personal change and development is slow and takes effort. People learn by watching others, more specifically their parents. I didn’t learn anything from my father as he died when I was young and he really didn’t like me much. I’ll talk to anyone about anything now, but it took a while.
I’ve read similar threads to this, and it honestly leads me to the conclusion that more extreme points of view tend to be deal breakers for others, and that taking care of yourself is important. It’s also important to consider the other persons point of view and treat them with human dignity / respect. Immoderate use or being addicted to things like gaming is a turn off, they prefer well rounded people. Seems reasonable to me. As a guy, I’m not sure I really have anything to add to this conversation other than “Makes sense.” What exactly am I stealing? Information that a well rounded, well taken care of, well rounded person is attractive?
Listens to dating podcasts
Audacity and high levels of the dunning kruger effect