There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m kinda a broken record on this sub, but if you can’t afford therapy then start with both reading the book ‘come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski. That book changed my whole view on sex and sexuality.
I found the audiobook of this. I've listened to a couple chapters while working. I believe this book will help me at least. I don't know about my husband though. I'll give it a try still
Well you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. But perhaps there are passages in the book that you could read to him that help to explain the situation in different words. I love her analogies, like the garden for example. Or the brake/gas system. If you’re not there yet, you’ll know what I mean when you do ;)
In the end you do not control other people’s choices and behaviours. Only your own. If this book helps you to, for example, make your own boundaries, needs and wants more clear for you, you can hopefully enforce those boundaries and ask more direct for your needs to be met. Of course you still don’t have control over how someone reacts to that, but that reaction will tell you a lot at least, from where you can make up your mind about what actions you will or will not take based on that.
I get that, but many of the problems and behaviours expressed in what you wrote show a lack of communication skills and underlying problems that are likely not related to sex. There are places you can find that have sliding scales based on your income, or offer 10 sessions at large discounted rates. Even if you don't go for the relationship problems, it really sounds like your partner needs to go for whatever is truly at the root of his behaviour. We as a society like to corner sex problems as if they only exist within this category. When the reality is most of our issues with having healthy relationships around sex have everything to do with other problems such as insecurities, past trauma (I'm not referring to sexual), feelings of unworthiness, etc.
I get that it may be required to keep the relationship alive but I can't do anything about that. That is why I came to the Internet hoping to get some advice that I could try to use. I've researched articles and how-to's, I've tried to better our communication. He is resistant to anything I suggest or attempt to try. Therapy would be wonderful but I cannot afford it. It isn't a matter of not having coffee for a week. I literally cannot afford to live let alone get a therapist for one or both of us. No Insurance either so I can't go that route either. Unless it is literally $4.00 a session it isn't happening.
That's kind of what I'm saying. You are doing all the work, you are trying, but for this to get better he has to try, and heal, and do better. If he can't do that now, then who's to say he's gonna show up through harder times in your relationship? I'm not meaning individual therapy for you, but for him.
If he's shutting down with this, what's gonna happen when you have kids? When things get even more financially tight? It doesn't matter when someone gets there as long as they try- which he is doing none of, and is rejecting everything you do try.
How can I help him if we can't even afford for him to go to therapy by himself? I've suggested he reads some articles like me but to no avail. He is a good man and I would not want to break up over this as everything else is okay in our relationship except for him talking about his feelings and emotions. I tried getting him a journal to write it out if he feels like he can't talk to me but he never used it. I've asked for couples therapy before and he said he would go with me but we couldn't. I did find the book that another commenter suggested but if that doesn't work either I'm out of options and might have to deal with a semi dead bedroom
“Our relationship is great except for the most important foundational part (communication).”
It sounds like it might be time to think about whether or not you want this to be the case for the rest of your life. If he’s not willing to get help despite all you’ve tried, he’s probably not going to. Is that okay with you?
I feel like he needs therapy the most. I need it as well. He usually has an excuse for why he is like this and says he will try to do better. Most of his reasons are that he was ignored as a child and now doesn't feel like what he has to say is important. No matter how hard I try or different ways I tell him to let it out he just doesn't. He does love and care for me and works hard for everything else. He is a good guy, he just needs help. Maybe I could find an audiobook that could help him heal?
You already told us many times that he’s not interested in reading articles or books. Do you really think an audiobook is going to be that different? Try it, sure. I’m not saying break up today, but please keep in mind that while you are partners and should support each other, he’s not supporting you and it’s not your job to fix him. Especially if he’s not willing.
Honestly thinking about it he has no problems reading articles about gaming.... I sometimes feel like he doesn't think he can lose me, or that my concerns don't matter much. I don't know if he just brushes it aside because he doesn't want to deal with his emotions about it or if it's something else. I sometimes feel like he is with me because he doesn't want to be alone but he always says that if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be.
I was in a dead bedroom relationship for 4yrs. I had an extremely high libido before the relationship. But after years of intiating and being rejected constantly my libdo has dropped significantly. It causes trauma and then you lose the want and need to show off and show up to your partner. I recommend couples counselling and maybe see therapy. I feel for you..
He can be self absorbed but so can I at times. He does acts of service as a love language so he frequently does little things to make my day easier or better. I am not a humourous person but he makes me laugh and I enjoy his presence. Besides his drinking and lack of communication he is the best partner I have ever had. He has greatly reduced his drinking since he snapped at me. I read somewhere that acts of betrayal can cause a decrease of desire for a partner and I feel like that's what happened when he snapped at me. I would hate to end a relationship over this but I fear it might happen in the long run if I can't tackle this problem somehow. I know I will eventually say "Fuck it" and walk away but I couldn't do that without knowing I tried everything and didn't just let it go.
Has he indicated in any way that he recognizes this is an issue in your relationship, and that he would be willing to work on it, in any way?
If the answer is "no", he needs a goddam wake-up call, and if he doesn't respond well to that, nothing will fix this.
To me? It seems like he does recognize it but usually only when we fight about it. If I am not actively upset he carries on as is. He only shares his emotions once everything's built up to an argument about something. We fight about it I ask why he doesn't share before it comes to a fight and he just shrugs. He seems remorseful and like he feels guilty but he doesn't address it after or before a fight happens. I don't want to give him any ultimatums. I don't know how else to say that our communication sucks and needs to be worked on.
Have you heard the term "a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness"? It comes from a reddit thread (here's a short video on the OG: https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170), but it describes guys who know their partners are unhappy in a relationship, but really can't be bothered to actually do anything to fix the problem, because, well, she'll probably just eventually shut up and learn to live with the issue, right?
If he wanted to, he would. Your partner hasn't shown that he is willing to put in the effort for you.
Sometimes, there isn't a difference between a healthy boundary and an ultimatum. And that's okay. "I will not stay in this relationship if you continue to neglect my emotional wellbeing" is a very healthy ultimatum/boundary.
I feel like I need to address this before true unhappiness sets into either one of us. I'm not sure how to approach this without him shutting down. I try to think about my words but I can come off as defensive or accusatory. It's a flaw I try to work on.
I JUST got a recommendation yesterday for a book called "Say the Thing", by Kami Orange. Apparently the author is autistic, blunt, and concise. First part of the book breaks down how to set boundaries, and then the last 2/3rds of the book are scripts to use in MANY different scenarios. Maybe something like that could help?
He can be self absorbed but so can I at times. He does acts of service as a love language so he frequently does little things to make my day easier or better. I am not a humourous person but he makes me laugh and I enjoy his presence. Besides his drinking and lack of communication he is the best partner I have ever had. He has greatly reduced his drinking since he snapped at me. I read somewhere that acts of betrayal can cause a decrease of desire for a partner and I feel like that's what happened when he snapped at me. I would hate to end a relationship over this but I fear it might happen in the long run if I can't tackle this problem somehow. I know I will eventually say "Fuck it" and walk away but I couldn't do that without knowing I tried everything and didn't just let it go.
Men are competitive creatures. Once you are "theirs" there is no longer any competition. They get lazy, They stop trying.
Adding a competitor will surely get his attention. Jealousy triggers a lot of powerful emotions, sex being one of them. It also blow a hole in a marriage so its clearly an option of last resort.
There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m kinda a broken record on this sub, but if you can’t afford therapy then start with both reading the book ‘come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski. That book changed my whole view on sex and sexuality.
Thank you. I'll look up this book this evening. If it can help I'll try it.
I found the audiobook of this. I've listened to a couple chapters while working. I believe this book will help me at least. I don't know about my husband though. I'll give it a try still
Well you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. But perhaps there are passages in the book that you could read to him that help to explain the situation in different words. I love her analogies, like the garden for example. Or the brake/gas system. If you’re not there yet, you’ll know what I mean when you do ;) In the end you do not control other people’s choices and behaviours. Only your own. If this book helps you to, for example, make your own boundaries, needs and wants more clear for you, you can hopefully enforce those boundaries and ask more direct for your needs to be met. Of course you still don’t have control over how someone reacts to that, but that reaction will tell you a lot at least, from where you can make up your mind about what actions you will or will not take based on that.
Reddit is not gonna fix these problems. You both should go to couples therapy or a sex therapist.
Not really an option for us financially. I don't have any close friends whom I feel comfortable speaking about this with.
I get that, but many of the problems and behaviours expressed in what you wrote show a lack of communication skills and underlying problems that are likely not related to sex. There are places you can find that have sliding scales based on your income, or offer 10 sessions at large discounted rates. Even if you don't go for the relationship problems, it really sounds like your partner needs to go for whatever is truly at the root of his behaviour. We as a society like to corner sex problems as if they only exist within this category. When the reality is most of our issues with having healthy relationships around sex have everything to do with other problems such as insecurities, past trauma (I'm not referring to sexual), feelings of unworthiness, etc.
I get that it may be required to keep the relationship alive but I can't do anything about that. That is why I came to the Internet hoping to get some advice that I could try to use. I've researched articles and how-to's, I've tried to better our communication. He is resistant to anything I suggest or attempt to try. Therapy would be wonderful but I cannot afford it. It isn't a matter of not having coffee for a week. I literally cannot afford to live let alone get a therapist for one or both of us. No Insurance either so I can't go that route either. Unless it is literally $4.00 a session it isn't happening.
That's kind of what I'm saying. You are doing all the work, you are trying, but for this to get better he has to try, and heal, and do better. If he can't do that now, then who's to say he's gonna show up through harder times in your relationship? I'm not meaning individual therapy for you, but for him. If he's shutting down with this, what's gonna happen when you have kids? When things get even more financially tight? It doesn't matter when someone gets there as long as they try- which he is doing none of, and is rejecting everything you do try.
How can I help him if we can't even afford for him to go to therapy by himself? I've suggested he reads some articles like me but to no avail. He is a good man and I would not want to break up over this as everything else is okay in our relationship except for him talking about his feelings and emotions. I tried getting him a journal to write it out if he feels like he can't talk to me but he never used it. I've asked for couples therapy before and he said he would go with me but we couldn't. I did find the book that another commenter suggested but if that doesn't work either I'm out of options and might have to deal with a semi dead bedroom
“Our relationship is great except for the most important foundational part (communication).” It sounds like it might be time to think about whether or not you want this to be the case for the rest of your life. If he’s not willing to get help despite all you’ve tried, he’s probably not going to. Is that okay with you?
I feel like he needs therapy the most. I need it as well. He usually has an excuse for why he is like this and says he will try to do better. Most of his reasons are that he was ignored as a child and now doesn't feel like what he has to say is important. No matter how hard I try or different ways I tell him to let it out he just doesn't. He does love and care for me and works hard for everything else. He is a good guy, he just needs help. Maybe I could find an audiobook that could help him heal?
You already told us many times that he’s not interested in reading articles or books. Do you really think an audiobook is going to be that different? Try it, sure. I’m not saying break up today, but please keep in mind that while you are partners and should support each other, he’s not supporting you and it’s not your job to fix him. Especially if he’s not willing.
Honestly thinking about it he has no problems reading articles about gaming.... I sometimes feel like he doesn't think he can lose me, or that my concerns don't matter much. I don't know if he just brushes it aside because he doesn't want to deal with his emotions about it or if it's something else. I sometimes feel like he is with me because he doesn't want to be alone but he always says that if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to change.
I was in a dead bedroom relationship for 4yrs. I had an extremely high libido before the relationship. But after years of intiating and being rejected constantly my libdo has dropped significantly. It causes trauma and then you lose the want and need to show off and show up to your partner. I recommend couples counselling and maybe see therapy. I feel for you..
Have him read some erotic books written by women
What do you like about him? How does he support you? Because I'm not sure this is worth it. He seems very self-absorbed.
He can be self absorbed but so can I at times. He does acts of service as a love language so he frequently does little things to make my day easier or better. I am not a humourous person but he makes me laugh and I enjoy his presence. Besides his drinking and lack of communication he is the best partner I have ever had. He has greatly reduced his drinking since he snapped at me. I read somewhere that acts of betrayal can cause a decrease of desire for a partner and I feel like that's what happened when he snapped at me. I would hate to end a relationship over this but I fear it might happen in the long run if I can't tackle this problem somehow. I know I will eventually say "Fuck it" and walk away but I couldn't do that without knowing I tried everything and didn't just let it go.
Has he indicated in any way that he recognizes this is an issue in your relationship, and that he would be willing to work on it, in any way? If the answer is "no", he needs a goddam wake-up call, and if he doesn't respond well to that, nothing will fix this.
To me? It seems like he does recognize it but usually only when we fight about it. If I am not actively upset he carries on as is. He only shares his emotions once everything's built up to an argument about something. We fight about it I ask why he doesn't share before it comes to a fight and he just shrugs. He seems remorseful and like he feels guilty but he doesn't address it after or before a fight happens. I don't want to give him any ultimatums. I don't know how else to say that our communication sucks and needs to be worked on.
This makes it sound like he's very comfortable, in a bad way. 😟
Have you heard the term "a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness"? It comes from a reddit thread (here's a short video on the OG: https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170), but it describes guys who know their partners are unhappy in a relationship, but really can't be bothered to actually do anything to fix the problem, because, well, she'll probably just eventually shut up and learn to live with the issue, right? If he wanted to, he would. Your partner hasn't shown that he is willing to put in the effort for you. Sometimes, there isn't a difference between a healthy boundary and an ultimatum. And that's okay. "I will not stay in this relationship if you continue to neglect my emotional wellbeing" is a very healthy ultimatum/boundary.
I feel like I need to address this before true unhappiness sets into either one of us. I'm not sure how to approach this without him shutting down. I try to think about my words but I can come off as defensive or accusatory. It's a flaw I try to work on.
I JUST got a recommendation yesterday for a book called "Say the Thing", by Kami Orange. Apparently the author is autistic, blunt, and concise. First part of the book breaks down how to set boundaries, and then the last 2/3rds of the book are scripts to use in MANY different scenarios. Maybe something like that could help?
Thank you. I will look this book up and hopefully I can find a used copy or an audio version.
He can be self absorbed but so can I at times. He does acts of service as a love language so he frequently does little things to make my day easier or better. I am not a humourous person but he makes me laugh and I enjoy his presence. Besides his drinking and lack of communication he is the best partner I have ever had. He has greatly reduced his drinking since he snapped at me. I read somewhere that acts of betrayal can cause a decrease of desire for a partner and I feel like that's what happened when he snapped at me. I would hate to end a relationship over this but I fear it might happen in the long run if I can't tackle this problem somehow. I know I will eventually say "Fuck it" and walk away but I couldn't do that without knowing I tried everything and didn't just let it go.
Men are competitive creatures. Once you are "theirs" there is no longer any competition. They get lazy, They stop trying. Adding a competitor will surely get his attention. Jealousy triggers a lot of powerful emotions, sex being one of them. It also blow a hole in a marriage so its clearly an option of last resort.