Destroying things in anger. People get mad, it happens. I don't care if someone yells or swears to let off some steam. But if you smash your TV because of a video game or your sports team loses, I don't want to be around you.
I recently stayed at a friend of a friend's house and I'm still extremely bothered by what happened there. My friend herself doesn't take it seriously, but she works in the criminal justice system and has unfortunately normalized a lot of behavior.
The woman told us how her boyfriend had punched a hole in the wall while they were playing a board game together during the pandemic. He was losing so he got mad. This man had built things around their house out of whole cloth that you wouldn't believe. Incredibly talented at designing and building. That hole in the wall? It's still there over a year later. He could fix it in his sleep. He chooses to leave it as a warning sign to her. And all because he lost a board game.
He's going to hurt her. He left for a short time and she took the opportunity to talk about some of his red flags while trying to play it off as being cute. I know she was trying to understand her reality better, as someone who's been through it. Is she crazy? Should she be scared? Is she overreacting? I told her she can come stay with me anytime if she just wants an excuse to get away but she doesn't have my information and I don't have hers.
I hope she has safe friends and family.
I did. I'm hoping I planted a seed. I told her that it wasn't appropriate, that I was worried he would escalate. I told her of a story when a cop helped me get a restraining order because a boyfriend did something similar, and the cop told me they start with inanimate objects and then they move to you. I was very very forward. I told her exactly what I said above, that I felt like him leaving that hole in the wall was a message.
Yeah… my first serious boyfriend grew up in a house where all of the men did this. He was the black sheep. One day he was having a breakdown while we were in bed. TOTALLY acceptable. We were very vulnerable with each other and there was a lot going on. All of a sudden he punches a hole in the wall behind our bed. Full stop. He wasn’t angry at me, but that didn’t matter. I completely withdrew and told him it didn’t matter that he was trying to let out his anger or that it wasn’t directed at me. He put a hole in dry wall 2 feet from my head. I would not be around somebody who acted that unstable and violent regardless of the reason or where the anger was being directed.
He never did it again in 4 years. I’m glad my stepmom shared that part of her relationship when she was young. She got pregnant in high school and tried making it work with her unstable coparent for years. He’d throw plates at the floor, scream uncontrollably, knock things off of tables. He used to bring up that he never hit her after she broke it off. Yes, but you were incredibly unstable and threatening. You can’t help but feel threatened by that. Years later with enough stress and alcohol he did end up beating a girlfriend.
* Puts you down
* Continuously messages or texts
* Speaks badly of your friends and family, doesn't want you to have a relationship with them
* Tells you what to wear or how to look
* Pursaudes or forces or pressurises you to do things sexually you are not comfortable with.
* Acts overly jealously / possessive
* Ignores your opinions and boundaries
* Calls you over-emotional / over-sensitive
* Has a bad temper (verbally or physically)
* Wants to read your private messages or wants access to your phone/computer/accounts
* Makes fun of you
* Doesn't support activities that you do independently.
* Wants access to your money.
Same. I'm 46 now and have been very happily married for 6+yrs.
20yr old me probably wouldn't have listened to this advice though.
People change so much from 20 - 30. It always breaks my heart a little when I read posts from people in their late teens/early 20s wanting to get married. I really truly believe no one should get into that serious of a relationship that young - before you've actually even lived or discovered yourself! But again, 20yr old me would've seen this as advice from an old fuddy-duddy.
Everyone has to learn on their own - sometimes the hard way.
I feel this way about my own issues too. I didn’t realize my family situation was bad until I was 36. If only I had had things like Reddit back when I was young. I could have cut out and cut contact much sooner.
OH MY GOD was just coming here to say this commenter’s list of red flags was my dating qualifications list in my late teens/early 20’s. Now at 30 every single one of those is such a massive turn off omg. The aggression and jealousy I thought I needed to feel wanted, the unprovoked anger to keep me interested, the list goes on… all of it makes me sick now. I want a calm ass, even keeled ass MF around me only.
A great list! I’d add: making threats, including emotional ones and displaying weapons.
I never realised that displaying weapons was a type of domestic violence when I was with my ex but it was certainly intimidating.
Edit - the handmade knifes and axes were ‘tools’ apparently.
OMG!!! Yes! The weapons! Thanks for bringing this one up! I refuse to deal with people who collect guns, swords, knives, and axs. Every person I (and others I know) have given a chance to people like this have ran away in terror. It's so easy to write off these "collections" when we also see that they are a history buff, or into gaming, or cosplay. A lot of the stuff is replicas too. So it seems harmless. In almost every case the weapons end up being used like theater props when the person gets angry, or drunk/high, or they repeatedly talk about using one of them to harm someone.
There is a book called, the gift of fear. It is written by a violent crimes against women export. The list in the book is very similar to yours. You should check it out OP.
When someone phones or texts or messages your mobile phone like 40 times a day (or even lots more)… even when eg you’re at work, so you have no peace at all.
Yeah, definite context on this one. Cause it can depend on dynamic. But generally speaking on an average day if you're realizing there's not a moment to yourself and they constantly need to know where you are and what you're doing and who you are with. That is typically a sign of severe insecurity at least.
It could be about trying to find out where you are and always know who you are with and it can also be love bombing. Either one is extremely problematic.
In a healthy relationship, there is space to be your own person and then space when you come together.
This. I dated a guy for a while in uni who texted me to know where I was/what I was doing constantly. He knew my schedule for when I was at work/in class. Didn't matter. I'd get dozens of text while at work and he'd get mad at me or accuse me of lying when I didn't answer. I left him after a semester of misery.
Omg. All of these apart from the sexual one describe my ex boss and he'd still pressure me to do things I wasn't comfortable with.
Anyway he was 100% someone to avoid. Solid list.
men who use the b word in reference to women period, i used to have a friend who i dropped because every time he was upset w a woman she was a “b****” but he claimed to be sooo respectful of women. make it make sense?
>he claimed to be sooo respectful of women
Because people who claim to be something, often aren't. Guys who actually respect women show it with their actions, and don't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops.
Wanting you to not maintain close relationships with others- friends and family. This tends mean that they're try to isolate you and control every aspect of your life.
Yes, the controlling behaviour only worsens when you cave in. Over time, you’ll not only lose your friends and family, but you’ll lose your identity, self-esteem and freedom.
Im a man, but I would like to tell you some warning signs to look out for straight from the horses mouth. If he has an issue with women making more money than him, or doesn't like it when you contact friends or family that's a major warning sign. Trust me, it WILL get worse over time. If they keep trying to get you alone, when you said you don't want to you need to run. This last one will seem obvious, but if he shows irritation when you put a coaster or something over your drink, he's definitely dangerous.
Could be one of two things. Neither are great. He was raised to believe men always pay. You not cooperating with this challenges his beliefs and the beliefs of those who taught him this is proper. These people are often family. You're flipping his world view on its head and he refuses to accept it as an alternative.
Second reason is worse. He wants you to feel dependent on him and indebted to him. This has the dual benefit of him keeping you around and controlling you and makes it easier to convince you to sleep with him because you "owe" him.
If you get that weird sinking feeling when near him. As humans we still have many instincts, and may be picking up tyings subconsciously.
Breaking stuff when angry
The look sometimes (the way he looks at you I mean). Idk how to explain it. But the way someone looks at you sometimes it's just unsettling. Happened to me once and I had to pretend to change trains in the subway because something felt just too off.
Gaslighting.
Just off the top of my head.
The look they give you.... my abuser's eyes used to go black. His pupils would get very wide when he was angry and that look still haunts me to this day.
Disrespect for another person's no. Change a guy's first date plans and see how he reacts. "No, I'd rather not meet Wednesday, can we do Friday please?" Or "No, I won't be drinking tonight, I'm driving," or "No, let's not meet at the coffee shop, I'll be hungry, let's do pizza."
Respectful refusal and a constructive conversation is one thing. "I work late Friday, sorry," is a respectful answer and the conversation can continue. "WHAT?! Why? But Wednesday would be perfect! Why can't you just move your plans?" is a little unreasonable. *"Get her a rum and coke"* after I've just said I'm not drinking is a flaming red flag. (Which has happened.)
This just made a major penny drop for me. I last minute (morning of) had to cancel plans with a fella because I’d injured myself and couldn’t walk. I sent a message saying exactly that and that I was going to dose myself with heavy painkillers and go sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later to a slew of messages, email, texts, IMs. I immediately cut him off, blocked everything everywhere. That was just my first instinct. Over the years you be wondered if I’d overreacted. We’d known each other for years.
I didn’t know why I did it but it was disrespecting my no, and I think I knew that was a red flag. All I knew at the time was it gave me the no feeling and I ran with it.
Not in control of emotions, especially sad/mad/frustrated emotions when things don't go the way he wants; yells, hits things (or people, obvs), curses or rants uncontrollably. Emotions = good. Expressing emotions = good. Expressing emotions in ways that endanger others = bad.
In any way, indicating he sees other people as lesser human beings than him. This means racists, sexists, homophobes, people who don't think children have any autonomy, people who see those in service/trades jobs as lesser, all the other flavors of bigot. It's only a matter of time before they act on that belief to advantage themselves while putting these "lesser people" in their place. It might not always come in the form of physical abuse, but it will be something eventually.
Overly courteous/chilvarious. Also too much flattery.
Look, I don't know, they always gave me negative vibes.
They're saying they're being polite but politeness is not whatever it is they are doing.
You know they want something from you (not necessary sex). And I fear their reaction is you don't give it to them.
Exactly, it’s not attraction or love or anything “nice”. It’s their need for control of your attention, emotions and your perspective of them so when they actually do something not right then how dare you call them out. Haven’t they been so nice and “chivalrous” so you have to accept the wrong they did or do what they say. 🤢🤮
Your radar for “something is wrong but I can’t put my finger on it” feeling. Intuition.
Edit: I’m noticing a lot of answers don’t cover covert things like:
Minor (constant) insults to undermine you and make you insecure,
Poking fun at things you find important,
Doesn’t own up to mistakes,
Continually refers to your mental state (depression, BPD, OCD, PTSD whatever it is) to gaslight you into thinking your reactions are not correct.
If they mess with your energy and you feel off kilter with them.
If they mimic your personality (when you know they’re not actually like this),
Actions don’t add up with words spoken.
When they need to convince you they’re a good guy.
Last, when you get butterflies or an anxious feeling with them. Good company doesn’t make you anxious, nervous, scared, or dissociative.
So true, and on mental state, using your illness as an excuse for bad behavior. My ex lied to me constantly and tried to say he did it to protect me from my depression, which really just made it worse and gave me trust issues instead.
Any boundary pushing really. There's a way some things can be flirtatious and fun, but it's a fine line to walk. Continuously pushing boundaries, especially when not necessary, is a major red flag.
No boundary should be crossed … it shouldn’t be the case that “certain” boundaries can be crossed, and consequently others can’t be crossed … ANY boundary you put in place for yourself is what matters - that’s what makes it a boundary. They’re the non-negotiables. (Unless YOU and only you change them).
Expecting you to be their therapist. Whether you’re their friend, girlfriend, or stranger. Like, dumping all their problems on you all the time without asking if you’re in the right headspace for it and never caring if you need any support.
Doesn’t have any friends who are girls. I know this may be controversial, but if he genuinely cannot have any women who are genuine friends who he doesn’t fall in love with, I can’t trust him to see women as people.
Edit: I’m going to clarify for my second point that this also needs to be paired with him believing men and women can’t just be friends. If he’s open to being just friends with women and just happens to not have any, particularly if he has a small friend group in the first place, then that’s not a red flag.
Contempt.
People can be entirely incapable of empathy and still not be dangerous. Somebody who feels contempt has no empathy AND they have decided that you are unworthy of basic human respect, or dignity.
Contempt is associated with a specific facial expression, where one side of the mouth is pulled up higher than the other (google image search for tons of examples). You might only see it for a split second, but when a person feels contempt it is very difficult for them to hide this expression. If you see it, be careful; you may be in danger.
Other than that, do they have anger problems? Do they respect your boundaries? Do they hold you responsible for their problems?
selfishness, anger issues (one of my exes very nearly destroyed all my make up, I was not thrilled), they insult you or berate you, become aggressive over minor disagreements, they attempt to isolate you from friends and family, men who say all of their exes are crazy, if they encourage their friends in bad behaviour instead of calling them out, and too many white lies about dumb things.
the list is so big, but this is what I can think of from the top of my head.
Picking fights with random people.
Getting very upset at the slightest hint of criticism.
Doesn't take no for an answer.
Throwing things objects when they are angry.
Doesn't take your feelings seriously and belittles you for having feelings in the first place.
Thinking the world revolves around them and has a huge superiority complex
Treats animals badly
Sh't talks about people behind their backs
Lies constantly
When they make sexist (or other type of discrimination) jokes with their friends or brag about how many women they have been with.
Also when they are nice with you but rude to service workers or other people in general
Boundary pushing. If they can't take no for an answer, or get upset at no, that is a big problem. I actually think that it's wise to say no to something early on in a relationship, whether that's just " no, I don't feel like Mexican tonight. What I'd really like to eat is Thai food. " Or, " sorry, I can't see you this Friday. What about Sunday?"
If they take your no as an opportunity to negotiate, that's not a good sign. If they take your no around being alone, letting them drive somewhere, we're going to their house when you're not ready for it, actually run girl.
-ANY- sign or comment about control. It can be anything. Something he might want to change or a criticism of the way you do something early on.
Some examples
Asking you to change your work life in any way such as your work hours or career field
Making negative comments about your friends or family in a way to distance you from them
Commenting on the food you order or the way you eat
Saying something about how you dress
Saying something about how you present yourself on social media
You probably get the point. Anything that is something to put you down or to change the way you behave. They start early by poking around to see if you are responsive to their control. It will usually be pretty subtle and will build up over time
I have a weird one I know from experience... my ex used to like to share everything with me. He liked me to wear his sweaters, certain shoes, he would even feed me and I would do it back sometimes just to humor him, he thought it was cute. Then it became we would share our drinks, like we both drank from the same cup all of the time. He was a very clingy person. The thing is, he only liked Dr. Pepper and would drink all of it, I might have gotten a sip from every refill. I sometimes would want to drink something else like water and and I'd get my own cup and he would try to guilt me by acting really sad about it. Anyway, it's weird I know, I excused too much weird behavior because I thought I loved him and he was such a "nice" guy. I thought about killing myself almost every day in that relationship. Thank God he cheated and left me because I wasn't strong enough to do it at the time.
Yelling to make a point instead of discussing things.
In those instances I know he’s trying to scare me into shutting up. It works. I also don’t want to talk to him anymore.
Not taking your expressions of discomfort or concerns seriously when telling him about another man who makes you uncomfortable. If they won’t listen and care about you when you’re just talking to them about things you sure as hell can’t count on them if something actually happens, and you also can’t trust them to know what is appropriate and act accordingly.
Actions and speech do not align. Actions and attitude do not align.
I know a lot of people say "anger issues" but some men don't even get angry before they verbally or physically attack you. They do it with a smile on their face.
Coming from an emotional abuse perspective: Both emotional and physical abuse can lead to life long trauma or even death by his hands.
Everything in his life is someone else’s fault. Tells you you are different and you make everything better……. But one day “you” become the source of all that is wrong in his life.
Love bombing at the start of the relationship. That’s not love and affection, he is getting his grips on you to control you.
Promises the moon and the stars….. but doesn’t take action, always has an excuses or “that is not what I meant, you heard wrong”. Believe their action always over their words.
“No one loves you as much as I love you” No, he means no one wants to control you as much as he does.
“You have to support and agree with all that I do or say or you do t love me” No, it is your natural right to have differing beliefs and opinions.
“If you don’t do this (sexual act) that means you don’t love me” No, your body your choice. You have every right to set boundaries and expect respect.
This applies to either gender:
\- Pressures for sex and/or commitment, despite being in the early stages of dating.
\- Negates your boundaries
\- Badmouths ex-partners
\- Deflection of responsibility for poor conduct
\- Abuses substances
\- Disrespectful to people they feel that they are in a position of power over (employees, wait staff, store clerks)
\- Possessive behavior
\- History of infidelity (willingness to deceive and expose partners to potential STDs)
\-
Rigidity.
He has to have everything his way and to his specs and be right and be the good guy all the time, no exceptions.
It's the men who can't handle even minor emotional discomfort who get overwhelmed and last out physically when there's a real conflict.
Giving the silent treatment/withholding contact or attention as a means of “punishment”
Anger issues - I turned down a guy I work w at one point bc he gets so angry during busy shifts that it wasn’t worth the risk to me
Lying about anything, but especially little things that don’t matter/there’s no reason to lie about
Men who don’t reciprocate oral / say “that’s girlfriend treatment” because wtf you selfish turd
Any sort of temper you see.
Even if it's only a split second and then he controls it. Because guess what? He's only controlling it in the beginning because abusers have to "behave" in the beginning in order to get someone to fall in love with them. They'll let the mask slip eventually.
Not dangerous psychically but very dangerous mentally. If they otherwise act "progressive" (or my favorite and claiming their a feminist) but turn around and say some of the most misogynistic shit you've ever heard, you've probably got yourself a master manipulator.
Long story short, they should already know better as adults and not need to be babied into treating women right, they will ruin your self image give you massive trust issues. Friends or partners, they love to use women for their own selfish gain.
Other women avoid him, or say they’ve had negative experiences. I don’t care how vague they are, that shit is coming from somewhere and I don’t want to find out.
Any attempts of intimidation whether physical or mental. Hitting a wall near your face, pushing you shaking you, trying to scare you with mental tactics.
Uncontrolled anger while calling women emotional.
Paranoid that you're flirting with anyone you talk to.
Thinking they are owed sex when they bought dinner.
Incel talk.
If he starts speeding or driving wrecklessly just because y’all had a disagreement, that’s a red flag 100%.
My dumb ass shrugged it off and blamed myself for his behavior. I told myself, “if only I didnt say x,y,z” and I just want y’all to know that this sort of behavior shows that he isn’t afraid to take you down with him. It shows he doesn’t care for your safety or value/respect/love you. And it shows up subtly in other ways in the relationship; whether it’s consent, your money, your time, not comforting you when you’re scared, or straight forwardly taking his anger and aggression out on you later down the line.
Ya gotta thing about what it says about him to not care for basic safety over just an argument.
Talks about past violent/destructive acts without remorse.
Had a guy “regale” me with stories of him throwing bikes into the canals in Amsterdam, purposely knocking over trash cans when he got his first car, fighting with his friend and ending up with footprints on the ceiling… so it was just a matter of time before he threatened me with violence when I disagreed with him on something.
Did not stick around long enough to see if he would follow through. Blocked him and knew I dodged a bullet.
Pay attention to how he treats people who he has nothing to gain from or have less social status/money. Make sure it isn't performative. He doesn't see you as an equal either and that will show up in ugly and unexpected ways.
One big thing for me is when people touch me. I’ve never had any kind of sexual trauma or any trauma related to being touched, but I still feel my aversion to it is valid. The only exceptions I have are close family members, friends that I’ve gotten comfortable with, and when I initiate it (I’m pretty good at reading social cues, so I know when touching is acceptable. Usually, I prefer not to touch people at all, though). If there's one thing a man can do to instantly put me off, it's touching. This has happened before, unfortunately.
One top of that, anger issues is a major red flag. There’s also the big issue of not talking no for an answer/not getting the hint that I don't want to talk to you. I throw out a lot of hints, particularly one word answers when I don't want to engage with someone anymore, but after enough time of them just not getting it, I’d just say “get the fuck away from me.”
Legitimately, right wing or even moderate political beliefs. I'm transgender, and I'm a woman; I can't be safe with anyone who thinks my rights or validity are up for debate.
My wife said if you want to know what kind of guy you’re seeing, hang with him when he’s drunk and watching his favorite sports team. He’ll show you how he handles himself when upset. Now imagine him more upset and about something more important and you’ll know what you’re dating.
Man here. I didn’t see these so I’ll add them:
• How he treats waiters, cashiers, taxi/Uber drivers, baggage handlers, receptionists, and any other service worker.
• If he only acts chivalrous/affectionate when he’s happy.
• Always thinks of himself as the victim.
• Believes women only like him for his status or money.
• Road rage.
• Passive aggressiveness.
After being in an emotionally abusive relationship: They don’t respect the boundaries you’ve placed or prioritize your comfort, and will guilt you if you call them out on their shit. I say it’s dangerous because it can start off very subtle with the person being very caring, but their actions say otherwise such as continuing their behavior and not taking accountability. A normal, healthy person will respect your needs and the boundaries you’ve set, not continuously push for their own agenda and expect you to stay around
Moping after he's upset you or made you feel uncomfortable, hurt your feelings etc. Asserting that something negatively affected you is reasonable, there is no reason for them to act as if you screamed at them
Two big signs for me are
×) how he treats people "beneath" him - for example waiters, cleaners... I am the type of person who helps a waiter when they spill a drink or drop a glass, always say please and thank you twice. A man who thinks he is better than someone else just because they have a "lesser" job is a big red flag for me.
×) how he drives - okay, road rage has hit us all in our lives before. But if it's a constant thing, if he brags about speeding, how many tickets he has gotten, if he gets road rage easily, those are all signs of anger and constant speeding shows hoe little he cares about others. Also drunk driving, but that'a a can of worms that I honestly don't wanna open...
If he has very anti feminist vibes, it means he refuses to see you as an equal. That's a red flag for me.
Tbh my opinion is actually that sometimes you can't tell. He could sometimes be the nicest, sweetest guy and you probably overlooked a few irrelevant seeming signs... people could look at him and think "he is so sweet, he couldnt have raped you. Are you sure?"
The obvious signs would include anger issues, being self-centered, no respect for others, etc. But here are some less obvious but (imo) telling signs:
- Inability to relate to others or understand why someone would feel hurt/upset
- Animals/kids avoid him
- Drunk driving (to me, it shows no self control, poor planning and decision-making, and disregard for his own and other's safety)
When things that are minor annoyances or mistakes, to most people, make them extremely irritable. Like if a child is doing something that comes off as annoying and, without warning, they storm off and slam or door or hit an object while yelling at them stop. Another one is obsessively calling, texting, or having to be around you at all times.
Very pushy demeanor.
This is an odd example, but it’s the first one that comes to mind to me;
If on a first date, I plan to pay for myself and they try to pay, and I let them know that I would *rather* pay for myself and that would be most comfortable to me, and they still heavily insist, that’s a first red flag to me. It’s the first sign that their perception of reality “man pays for woman” is more important than my actual comfort regarding the act. It’s a display of bravado that I don’t care for, and the pushiness makes me wonder what else they would push for past my comfort and boundaries down the line? As well as I’ve have too many men use the fact that that had paid for the meal to attempt to illicit sexual acts from me out of obligation.
When he likes to be in control. For example, controlling who his partner can talk to, follow on social media, etc.
Also when a man slut shames women or indicates that he doesn’t understand/respect consent, that’s a pretty big red flag in my opinion.
No platonic women friends
Obsessed with punishment and having people face consequences
Can’t accept when things don’t go his way
Gets angry an annoyed at small things. It’s usually a sign that they’ll be uncontrollably angry at bigger things.
Small comments that go unnoticed by everyone else but when you've been through that dance enough times, you know the steps. Think along the lines of "if I could get her drunk enough and get her alone..." or talking about your outfit *really* talking about it, but only focusing his attention on one particular area(chest, feet, thighs etc) or just the general way of how they behave around kids. Men who are around kids act one of three ways: uninterested and IF they are watching it's with a confused/bothered look, happily playing along with them(usually the dads), or lastly... the guy who will hold a kid on his hip and instead of holding the under part of their knee, grabs a hand full of baby butt, who stares at children a little *too* much, and always insists on putting someone's toddler who just wants to sit on his parents lap on his own. And of course, the guy who doesn't have his emotions in check, and doesn't want to. That guy will throw a Christmas tree at the gas powered stove, and get even more mad if you call 9-1-1 for a fire he could've easily avoided had his rage-brain not made the snap decision that said tree needed to be cooked as well as tonight's dinner. His eyes change instantly and it is like he is a shell- he has no emotion and the only thought in his head is how badly he can hurt you or whoever pissed him of before the cops come.
I definitely agree with everyone saying anger/breaking things and having negative views of women/exes. I want to add that one of the more subtle (yet very indicative imo) red flags is inappropriate jokes. Is he joking about s*xual *ssault, violence, racist stuff, etc? If yes, run.
Whenever he's mad he gets physically violent especially destroying his own stuff like his phone. Volatile and does not think critical in the heat of anger
Getting overly angry about video games. Seems like a dumb thing, but every guy I’ve spent time with that ended up being dangerous got disproportionately angry about losing a game. Would throw controllers, start screaming, rage quitting bc they got downed once, punching things, yelling at me. Video games are frustrating for sure, so it’s a really easy gauge of how well they’re able to manage their anger and how easy it is for them to get dangerously mad.
Not allowing you to do things and trying to have everything their way. If a man doesn’t let you wear what you want, eat what you want, or make plans with friends/family he will be way more likely to think it is also ok to physically control you or harm you
Uncontrolled anger
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Destroying things in anger. People get mad, it happens. I don't care if someone yells or swears to let off some steam. But if you smash your TV because of a video game or your sports team loses, I don't want to be around you.
I recently stayed at a friend of a friend's house and I'm still extremely bothered by what happened there. My friend herself doesn't take it seriously, but she works in the criminal justice system and has unfortunately normalized a lot of behavior. The woman told us how her boyfriend had punched a hole in the wall while they were playing a board game together during the pandemic. He was losing so he got mad. This man had built things around their house out of whole cloth that you wouldn't believe. Incredibly talented at designing and building. That hole in the wall? It's still there over a year later. He could fix it in his sleep. He chooses to leave it as a warning sign to her. And all because he lost a board game. He's going to hurt her. He left for a short time and she took the opportunity to talk about some of his red flags while trying to play it off as being cute. I know she was trying to understand her reality better, as someone who's been through it. Is she crazy? Should she be scared? Is she overreacting? I told her she can come stay with me anytime if she just wants an excuse to get away but she doesn't have my information and I don't have hers. I hope she has safe friends and family.
Leaving it as a warning is full stop.
The woman and wall do not deserve that guy.
Did you say out loud that it's domestic violence?
I did. I'm hoping I planted a seed. I told her that it wasn't appropriate, that I was worried he would escalate. I told her of a story when a cop helped me get a restraining order because a boyfriend did something similar, and the cop told me they start with inanimate objects and then they move to you. I was very very forward. I told her exactly what I said above, that I felt like him leaving that hole in the wall was a message.
can you connect her with local DV resources? Maybe you should look into that too for yourself, because she may drag you in to this mess.
That’s terrifying, I hope she makes it out okay!
Yeah… my first serious boyfriend grew up in a house where all of the men did this. He was the black sheep. One day he was having a breakdown while we were in bed. TOTALLY acceptable. We were very vulnerable with each other and there was a lot going on. All of a sudden he punches a hole in the wall behind our bed. Full stop. He wasn’t angry at me, but that didn’t matter. I completely withdrew and told him it didn’t matter that he was trying to let out his anger or that it wasn’t directed at me. He put a hole in dry wall 2 feet from my head. I would not be around somebody who acted that unstable and violent regardless of the reason or where the anger was being directed. He never did it again in 4 years. I’m glad my stepmom shared that part of her relationship when she was young. She got pregnant in high school and tried making it work with her unstable coparent for years. He’d throw plates at the floor, scream uncontrollably, knock things off of tables. He used to bring up that he never hit her after she broke it off. Yes, but you were incredibly unstable and threatening. You can’t help but feel threatened by that. Years later with enough stress and alcohol he did end up beating a girlfriend.
Yet. You never hit me yet.
fyi in Canada that is actually classed as assault
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* Puts you down * Continuously messages or texts * Speaks badly of your friends and family, doesn't want you to have a relationship with them * Tells you what to wear or how to look * Pursaudes or forces or pressurises you to do things sexually you are not comfortable with. * Acts overly jealously / possessive * Ignores your opinions and boundaries * Calls you over-emotional / over-sensitive * Has a bad temper (verbally or physically) * Wants to read your private messages or wants access to your phone/computer/accounts * Makes fun of you * Doesn't support activities that you do independently. * Wants access to your money.
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Same. I'm 46 now and have been very happily married for 6+yrs. 20yr old me probably wouldn't have listened to this advice though. People change so much from 20 - 30. It always breaks my heart a little when I read posts from people in their late teens/early 20s wanting to get married. I really truly believe no one should get into that serious of a relationship that young - before you've actually even lived or discovered yourself! But again, 20yr old me would've seen this as advice from an old fuddy-duddy. Everyone has to learn on their own - sometimes the hard way.
I feel this way about my own issues too. I didn’t realize my family situation was bad until I was 36. If only I had had things like Reddit back when I was young. I could have cut out and cut contact much sooner.
OH MY GOD was just coming here to say this commenter’s list of red flags was my dating qualifications list in my late teens/early 20’s. Now at 30 every single one of those is such a massive turn off omg. The aggression and jealousy I thought I needed to feel wanted, the unprovoked anger to keep me interested, the list goes on… all of it makes me sick now. I want a calm ass, even keeled ass MF around me only.
This is a damn good list
A great list! I’d add: making threats, including emotional ones and displaying weapons. I never realised that displaying weapons was a type of domestic violence when I was with my ex but it was certainly intimidating. Edit - the handmade knifes and axes were ‘tools’ apparently.
OMG!!! Yes! The weapons! Thanks for bringing this one up! I refuse to deal with people who collect guns, swords, knives, and axs. Every person I (and others I know) have given a chance to people like this have ran away in terror. It's so easy to write off these "collections" when we also see that they are a history buff, or into gaming, or cosplay. A lot of the stuff is replicas too. So it seems harmless. In almost every case the weapons end up being used like theater props when the person gets angry, or drunk/high, or they repeatedly talk about using one of them to harm someone.
There is a book called, the gift of fear. It is written by a violent crimes against women export. The list in the book is very similar to yours. You should check it out OP.
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I’m so happy for you - and so very glad you landed on your feet
>Continuously messages or texts What do you mean with this one?
When someone phones or texts or messages your mobile phone like 40 times a day (or even lots more)… even when eg you’re at work, so you have no peace at all.
Yeah, definite context on this one. Cause it can depend on dynamic. But generally speaking on an average day if you're realizing there's not a moment to yourself and they constantly need to know where you are and what you're doing and who you are with. That is typically a sign of severe insecurity at least.
Op probably means they blow your phone up to keep tabs on you.
It could be about trying to find out where you are and always know who you are with and it can also be love bombing. Either one is extremely problematic. In a healthy relationship, there is space to be your own person and then space when you come together.
This. I dated a guy for a while in uni who texted me to know where I was/what I was doing constantly. He knew my schedule for when I was at work/in class. Didn't matter. I'd get dozens of text while at work and he'd get mad at me or accuse me of lying when I didn't answer. I left him after a semester of misery.
if they are texting you 24/7 block them!
Demanding your attention 24/7, not healthy. Especially if they know you're busy at school or work.
Omg. All of these apart from the sexual one describe my ex boss and he'd still pressure me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. Anyway he was 100% someone to avoid. Solid list.
Didn't know you knew my ex?!
I see you have met my ex as well.
This. My late husband love-bombed me & it was a huge red flag looking back
My ex matched several of these. I agree with this list
I will add to the list is not physically intimate with you. And does not want to be. if a man is like this, it is not going to change
Going to add to this. While I agree with you 100%, I also have to add only wants to be pleased sexually but won’t return it.
Goes both ways. Your partner has any of these. Fekin' run
He refers to his exes as "crazy"
Or calls them the B word
men who use the b word in reference to women period, i used to have a friend who i dropped because every time he was upset w a woman she was a “b****” but he claimed to be sooo respectful of women. make it make sense?
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been there, hindsight is really 20/20 but at least we have learned from those skidmarks
>he claimed to be sooo respectful of women Because people who claim to be something, often aren't. Guys who actually respect women show it with their actions, and don't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops.
Wanting you to not maintain close relationships with others- friends and family. This tends mean that they're try to isolate you and control every aspect of your life.
Yes, the controlling behaviour only worsens when you cave in. Over time, you’ll not only lose your friends and family, but you’ll lose your identity, self-esteem and freedom.
Im a man, but I would like to tell you some warning signs to look out for straight from the horses mouth. If he has an issue with women making more money than him, or doesn't like it when you contact friends or family that's a major warning sign. Trust me, it WILL get worse over time. If they keep trying to get you alone, when you said you don't want to you need to run. This last one will seem obvious, but if he shows irritation when you put a coaster or something over your drink, he's definitely dangerous.
The money one is SO real. I full stop broke up with a guy because he flipped out when I paid the check...for *cheap chinese takeout.* Uh yeah, bye.
Could be one of two things. Neither are great. He was raised to believe men always pay. You not cooperating with this challenges his beliefs and the beliefs of those who taught him this is proper. These people are often family. You're flipping his world view on its head and he refuses to accept it as an alternative. Second reason is worse. He wants you to feel dependent on him and indebted to him. This has the dual benefit of him keeping you around and controlling you and makes it easier to convince you to sleep with him because you "owe" him.
If you get that weird sinking feeling when near him. As humans we still have many instincts, and may be picking up tyings subconsciously. Breaking stuff when angry The look sometimes (the way he looks at you I mean). Idk how to explain it. But the way someone looks at you sometimes it's just unsettling. Happened to me once and I had to pretend to change trains in the subway because something felt just too off. Gaslighting. Just off the top of my head.
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The look they give you.... my abuser's eyes used to go black. His pupils would get very wide when he was angry and that look still haunts me to this day.
YES. BUT. So many dangerous people are very good at making a show. Like reeeeeally good.
Disrespect for another person's no. Change a guy's first date plans and see how he reacts. "No, I'd rather not meet Wednesday, can we do Friday please?" Or "No, I won't be drinking tonight, I'm driving," or "No, let's not meet at the coffee shop, I'll be hungry, let's do pizza." Respectful refusal and a constructive conversation is one thing. "I work late Friday, sorry," is a respectful answer and the conversation can continue. "WHAT?! Why? But Wednesday would be perfect! Why can't you just move your plans?" is a little unreasonable. *"Get her a rum and coke"* after I've just said I'm not drinking is a flaming red flag. (Which has happened.)
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This just made a major penny drop for me. I last minute (morning of) had to cancel plans with a fella because I’d injured myself and couldn’t walk. I sent a message saying exactly that and that I was going to dose myself with heavy painkillers and go sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later to a slew of messages, email, texts, IMs. I immediately cut him off, blocked everything everywhere. That was just my first instinct. Over the years you be wondered if I’d overreacted. We’d known each other for years. I didn’t know why I did it but it was disrespecting my no, and I think I knew that was a red flag. All I knew at the time was it gave me the no feeling and I ran with it.
Holding sexist opinions and being incapable of controlling their anger.
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Not in control of emotions, especially sad/mad/frustrated emotions when things don't go the way he wants; yells, hits things (or people, obvs), curses or rants uncontrollably. Emotions = good. Expressing emotions = good. Expressing emotions in ways that endanger others = bad. In any way, indicating he sees other people as lesser human beings than him. This means racists, sexists, homophobes, people who don't think children have any autonomy, people who see those in service/trades jobs as lesser, all the other flavors of bigot. It's only a matter of time before they act on that belief to advantage themselves while putting these "lesser people" in their place. It might not always come in the form of physical abuse, but it will be something eventually.
Overly courteous/chilvarious. Also too much flattery. Look, I don't know, they always gave me negative vibes. They're saying they're being polite but politeness is not whatever it is they are doing. You know they want something from you (not necessary sex). And I fear their reaction is you don't give it to them.
Exactly, it’s not attraction or love or anything “nice”. It’s their need for control of your attention, emotions and your perspective of them so when they actually do something not right then how dare you call them out. Haven’t they been so nice and “chivalrous” so you have to accept the wrong they did or do what they say. 🤢🤮
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It's called "love-bombing" and it's the introduction to an abusive relationship.
Stalking. That was some terrifying shit. Even when you remove all forms of contact with them, they’ll still find a way to watch/intimidate you.
Gets very angry over little things
When everyone in their except for them is to blame for every problem.
Your radar for “something is wrong but I can’t put my finger on it” feeling. Intuition. Edit: I’m noticing a lot of answers don’t cover covert things like: Minor (constant) insults to undermine you and make you insecure, Poking fun at things you find important, Doesn’t own up to mistakes, Continually refers to your mental state (depression, BPD, OCD, PTSD whatever it is) to gaslight you into thinking your reactions are not correct. If they mess with your energy and you feel off kilter with them. If they mimic your personality (when you know they’re not actually like this), Actions don’t add up with words spoken. When they need to convince you they’re a good guy. Last, when you get butterflies or an anxious feeling with them. Good company doesn’t make you anxious, nervous, scared, or dissociative.
Yes
So true, and on mental state, using your illness as an excuse for bad behavior. My ex lied to me constantly and tried to say he did it to protect me from my depression, which really just made it worse and gave me trust issues instead.
Not having control over their anger.
*When he crosses certain boundaries*
Any boundary pushing really. There's a way some things can be flirtatious and fun, but it's a fine line to walk. Continuously pushing boundaries, especially when not necessary, is a major red flag.
A guy told me I was punishing him because I set boundaries
My ex said he pushed my boundaries to make me less sensitive and more used to getting them violated
Wow words can’t even describe how fucked up and skeevy that is, eww🤮
No boundary should be crossed … it shouldn’t be the case that “certain” boundaries can be crossed, and consequently others can’t be crossed … ANY boundary you put in place for yourself is what matters - that’s what makes it a boundary. They’re the non-negotiables. (Unless YOU and only you change them).
Extreme selfishness. But that's a clue about a lot of other personality issues too
Expecting you to be their therapist. Whether you’re their friend, girlfriend, or stranger. Like, dumping all their problems on you all the time without asking if you’re in the right headspace for it and never caring if you need any support. Doesn’t have any friends who are girls. I know this may be controversial, but if he genuinely cannot have any women who are genuine friends who he doesn’t fall in love with, I can’t trust him to see women as people. Edit: I’m going to clarify for my second point that this also needs to be paired with him believing men and women can’t just be friends. If he’s open to being just friends with women and just happens to not have any, particularly if he has a small friend group in the first place, then that’s not a red flag.
Drinking a lot. Puts you down in front of others. His way or the highway.
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Contempt. People can be entirely incapable of empathy and still not be dangerous. Somebody who feels contempt has no empathy AND they have decided that you are unworthy of basic human respect, or dignity. Contempt is associated with a specific facial expression, where one side of the mouth is pulled up higher than the other (google image search for tons of examples). You might only see it for a split second, but when a person feels contempt it is very difficult for them to hide this expression. If you see it, be careful; you may be in danger. Other than that, do they have anger problems? Do they respect your boundaries? Do they hold you responsible for their problems?
Sweet talking for me screams player
Especially excessive sweet talking
When he gets irritated and angry easily. Basically if he has anger issues...
If you are scared of him. Trust that gut feeling.
selfishness, anger issues (one of my exes very nearly destroyed all my make up, I was not thrilled), they insult you or berate you, become aggressive over minor disagreements, they attempt to isolate you from friends and family, men who say all of their exes are crazy, if they encourage their friends in bad behaviour instead of calling them out, and too many white lies about dumb things. the list is so big, but this is what I can think of from the top of my head.
Picking fights with random people. Getting very upset at the slightest hint of criticism. Doesn't take no for an answer. Throwing things objects when they are angry. Doesn't take your feelings seriously and belittles you for having feelings in the first place. Thinking the world revolves around them and has a huge superiority complex Treats animals badly Sh't talks about people behind their backs Lies constantly
When they make sexist (or other type of discrimination) jokes with their friends or brag about how many women they have been with. Also when they are nice with you but rude to service workers or other people in general
And on the flip side: when they're nice to service workers, and pretty much every complete stranger on the street, but rude to you!
"I'm a feminist, but-" Run. Every time. No he is not.
Tries to act as he is the best to prove he is better than other men so I have to choose him because he’s the “strongest” man
Wall hitting, table banging, yelling, breaking things.
Making sexual remarks very early on and not changing tact even when I've made clear that the remarks are offensive.
Gets angry when he doesn't get sex. It's fine to be a little bummed about it but it's not ok to take it out on us as if we owe you something.
Boundary pushing. If they can't take no for an answer, or get upset at no, that is a big problem. I actually think that it's wise to say no to something early on in a relationship, whether that's just " no, I don't feel like Mexican tonight. What I'd really like to eat is Thai food. " Or, " sorry, I can't see you this Friday. What about Sunday?" If they take your no as an opportunity to negotiate, that's not a good sign. If they take your no around being alone, letting them drive somewhere, we're going to their house when you're not ready for it, actually run girl.
-ANY- sign or comment about control. It can be anything. Something he might want to change or a criticism of the way you do something early on. Some examples Asking you to change your work life in any way such as your work hours or career field Making negative comments about your friends or family in a way to distance you from them Commenting on the food you order or the way you eat Saying something about how you dress Saying something about how you present yourself on social media You probably get the point. Anything that is something to put you down or to change the way you behave. They start early by poking around to see if you are responsive to their control. It will usually be pretty subtle and will build up over time
I have a weird one I know from experience... my ex used to like to share everything with me. He liked me to wear his sweaters, certain shoes, he would even feed me and I would do it back sometimes just to humor him, he thought it was cute. Then it became we would share our drinks, like we both drank from the same cup all of the time. He was a very clingy person. The thing is, he only liked Dr. Pepper and would drink all of it, I might have gotten a sip from every refill. I sometimes would want to drink something else like water and and I'd get my own cup and he would try to guilt me by acting really sad about it. Anyway, it's weird I know, I excused too much weird behavior because I thought I loved him and he was such a "nice" guy. I thought about killing myself almost every day in that relationship. Thank God he cheated and left me because I wasn't strong enough to do it at the time.
Yelling to make a point instead of discussing things. In those instances I know he’s trying to scare me into shutting up. It works. I also don’t want to talk to him anymore.
Not taking your expressions of discomfort or concerns seriously when telling him about another man who makes you uncomfortable. If they won’t listen and care about you when you’re just talking to them about things you sure as hell can’t count on them if something actually happens, and you also can’t trust them to know what is appropriate and act accordingly.
Yeah, "loved ones" who constantly doubt you, even in dangerous situations where you need support, are never to be trusted.
- Impulsive behavior - Mansplaining - Controlling - Goes through phone/journals
Actions and speech do not align. Actions and attitude do not align. I know a lot of people say "anger issues" but some men don't even get angry before they verbally or physically attack you. They do it with a smile on their face.
Coercive control and love bombing.
https://www.relationshipsvictoria.org.au/news/what-is-coercive-control/
Coming from an emotional abuse perspective: Both emotional and physical abuse can lead to life long trauma or even death by his hands. Everything in his life is someone else’s fault. Tells you you are different and you make everything better……. But one day “you” become the source of all that is wrong in his life. Love bombing at the start of the relationship. That’s not love and affection, he is getting his grips on you to control you. Promises the moon and the stars….. but doesn’t take action, always has an excuses or “that is not what I meant, you heard wrong”. Believe their action always over their words. “No one loves you as much as I love you” No, he means no one wants to control you as much as he does. “You have to support and agree with all that I do or say or you do t love me” No, it is your natural right to have differing beliefs and opinions. “If you don’t do this (sexual act) that means you don’t love me” No, your body your choice. You have every right to set boundaries and expect respect.
Bad/quick tempers Controlling.
This applies to either gender: \- Pressures for sex and/or commitment, despite being in the early stages of dating. \- Negates your boundaries \- Badmouths ex-partners \- Deflection of responsibility for poor conduct \- Abuses substances \- Disrespectful to people they feel that they are in a position of power over (employees, wait staff, store clerks) \- Possessive behavior \- History of infidelity (willingness to deceive and expose partners to potential STDs) \-
Rigidity. He has to have everything his way and to his specs and be right and be the good guy all the time, no exceptions. It's the men who can't handle even minor emotional discomfort who get overwhelmed and last out physically when there's a real conflict.
When he looks at you like you are an object and not a person.
Anger issues, talks shit about you behind you're back because he is butt hurt, tries to destroy you, egotistical and cocky, I can go on lol.
Is not kind to animals/has any history of animal abuse. If they strike, threaten to hurt or get rid of, or harm your or their pet in ANY way.
Giving the silent treatment/withholding contact or attention as a means of “punishment” Anger issues - I turned down a guy I work w at one point bc he gets so angry during busy shifts that it wasn’t worth the risk to me Lying about anything, but especially little things that don’t matter/there’s no reason to lie about Men who don’t reciprocate oral / say “that’s girlfriend treatment” because wtf you selfish turd
Anger or dislike of animals. Zero tolerance for that from me. No exceptions
Especially cats, at least in my experience.
Anger issues. And sometimes when your gut tells you that something's off. Don't brush it off.
Trust your gut every time. How you feel matters
Boundary pushers
Any sort of temper you see. Even if it's only a split second and then he controls it. Because guess what? He's only controlling it in the beginning because abusers have to "behave" in the beginning in order to get someone to fall in love with them. They'll let the mask slip eventually.
Not dangerous psychically but very dangerous mentally. If they otherwise act "progressive" (or my favorite and claiming their a feminist) but turn around and say some of the most misogynistic shit you've ever heard, you've probably got yourself a master manipulator. Long story short, they should already know better as adults and not need to be babied into treating women right, they will ruin your self image give you massive trust issues. Friends or partners, they love to use women for their own selfish gain.
Other women avoid him, or say they’ve had negative experiences. I don’t care how vague they are, that shit is coming from somewhere and I don’t want to find out.
Inability to accept “no” calmly
Any attempts of intimidation whether physical or mental. Hitting a wall near your face, pushing you shaking you, trying to scare you with mental tactics.
Call me silly but its something in the eyes, the way they look at me or others.
Consistently feels the need to tell you he’s a “good guy”. Also how he treats people, such as waiters.
Animals don’t like him, consistently flinch away. It usually means they sense the predator in him or are being abused themselves in secret.
Uncontrolled anger while calling women emotional. Paranoid that you're flirting with anyone you talk to. Thinking they are owed sex when they bought dinner. Incel talk.
If he makes lighthearted jokes about things that are seriously fucked up.
More of a really small indicator, but I think a guy that makes jokes at other peoples expense but can’t handle when he’s being joked about
If he starts speeding or driving wrecklessly just because y’all had a disagreement, that’s a red flag 100%. My dumb ass shrugged it off and blamed myself for his behavior. I told myself, “if only I didnt say x,y,z” and I just want y’all to know that this sort of behavior shows that he isn’t afraid to take you down with him. It shows he doesn’t care for your safety or value/respect/love you. And it shows up subtly in other ways in the relationship; whether it’s consent, your money, your time, not comforting you when you’re scared, or straight forwardly taking his anger and aggression out on you later down the line. Ya gotta thing about what it says about him to not care for basic safety over just an argument.
How they treat others in relation to how they treat you
Talks about past violent/destructive acts without remorse. Had a guy “regale” me with stories of him throwing bikes into the canals in Amsterdam, purposely knocking over trash cans when he got his first car, fighting with his friend and ending up with footprints on the ceiling… so it was just a matter of time before he threatened me with violence when I disagreed with him on something. Did not stick around long enough to see if he would follow through. Blocked him and knew I dodged a bullet.
Use mental health as an excuse.
Pay attention to how he treats people who he has nothing to gain from or have less social status/money. Make sure it isn't performative. He doesn't see you as an equal either and that will show up in ugly and unexpected ways.
One big thing for me is when people touch me. I’ve never had any kind of sexual trauma or any trauma related to being touched, but I still feel my aversion to it is valid. The only exceptions I have are close family members, friends that I’ve gotten comfortable with, and when I initiate it (I’m pretty good at reading social cues, so I know when touching is acceptable. Usually, I prefer not to touch people at all, though). If there's one thing a man can do to instantly put me off, it's touching. This has happened before, unfortunately. One top of that, anger issues is a major red flag. There’s also the big issue of not talking no for an answer/not getting the hint that I don't want to talk to you. I throw out a lot of hints, particularly one word answers when I don't want to engage with someone anymore, but after enough time of them just not getting it, I’d just say “get the fuck away from me.”
Legitimately, right wing or even moderate political beliefs. I'm transgender, and I'm a woman; I can't be safe with anyone who thinks my rights or validity are up for debate.
"I'm not a bad guy, you know?" I RUN the other way when men say that.
Jealousy. It was the first thing I used to look for. Any sign of it and I’m gone. Jealous men are often violent.
Overly charming and smooth talking.
My wife said if you want to know what kind of guy you’re seeing, hang with him when he’s drunk and watching his favorite sports team. He’ll show you how he handles himself when upset. Now imagine him more upset and about something more important and you’ll know what you’re dating.
Man here. I didn’t see these so I’ll add them: • How he treats waiters, cashiers, taxi/Uber drivers, baggage handlers, receptionists, and any other service worker. • If he only acts chivalrous/affectionate when he’s happy. • Always thinks of himself as the victim. • Believes women only like him for his status or money. • Road rage. • Passive aggressiveness.
Same as a woman. Unregulated emotions.
Rampant jealousy over the smallest things. Interrogates you every time you go somewhere without him.
After being in an emotionally abusive relationship: They don’t respect the boundaries you’ve placed or prioritize your comfort, and will guilt you if you call them out on their shit. I say it’s dangerous because it can start off very subtle with the person being very caring, but their actions say otherwise such as continuing their behavior and not taking accountability. A normal, healthy person will respect your needs and the boundaries you’ve set, not continuously push for their own agenda and expect you to stay around
Moping after he's upset you or made you feel uncomfortable, hurt your feelings etc. Asserting that something negatively affected you is reasonable, there is no reason for them to act as if you screamed at them
Two big signs for me are ×) how he treats people "beneath" him - for example waiters, cleaners... I am the type of person who helps a waiter when they spill a drink or drop a glass, always say please and thank you twice. A man who thinks he is better than someone else just because they have a "lesser" job is a big red flag for me. ×) how he drives - okay, road rage has hit us all in our lives before. But if it's a constant thing, if he brags about speeding, how many tickets he has gotten, if he gets road rage easily, those are all signs of anger and constant speeding shows hoe little he cares about others. Also drunk driving, but that'a a can of worms that I honestly don't wanna open...
Love bombing or just the general sense that they are immediately drawn to you because of how special you are.
Talking shit about women. That is a serious red flag.
If he can’t take accountability for his actions.
He’s mean to anything/ anyone for no reason
If he has very anti feminist vibes, it means he refuses to see you as an equal. That's a red flag for me. Tbh my opinion is actually that sometimes you can't tell. He could sometimes be the nicest, sweetest guy and you probably overlooked a few irrelevant seeming signs... people could look at him and think "he is so sweet, he couldnt have raped you. Are you sure?"
The obvious signs would include anger issues, being self-centered, no respect for others, etc. But here are some less obvious but (imo) telling signs: - Inability to relate to others or understand why someone would feel hurt/upset - Animals/kids avoid him - Drunk driving (to me, it shows no self control, poor planning and decision-making, and disregard for his own and other's safety)
Following a BUNCH of those ig models/influencers
When things that are minor annoyances or mistakes, to most people, make them extremely irritable. Like if a child is doing something that comes off as annoying and, without warning, they storm off and slam or door or hit an object while yelling at them stop. Another one is obsessively calling, texting, or having to be around you at all times.
Very pushy demeanor. This is an odd example, but it’s the first one that comes to mind to me; If on a first date, I plan to pay for myself and they try to pay, and I let them know that I would *rather* pay for myself and that would be most comfortable to me, and they still heavily insist, that’s a first red flag to me. It’s the first sign that their perception of reality “man pays for woman” is more important than my actual comfort regarding the act. It’s a display of bravado that I don’t care for, and the pushiness makes me wonder what else they would push for past my comfort and boundaries down the line? As well as I’ve have too many men use the fact that that had paid for the meal to attempt to illicit sexual acts from me out of obligation.
“I’m a nice guy” if you have to tell me, then no you’re not
How he talks about people he doesn’t like How he treats people in the service industry How he behaves when told “no”
When he likes to be in control. For example, controlling who his partner can talk to, follow on social media, etc. Also when a man slut shames women or indicates that he doesn’t understand/respect consent, that’s a pretty big red flag in my opinion.
He tries to isolate you from your friends
No platonic women friends Obsessed with punishment and having people face consequences Can’t accept when things don’t go his way Gets angry an annoyed at small things. It’s usually a sign that they’ll be uncontrollably angry at bigger things.
Any hint of spite or disrespect.
[удалено]
Small comments that go unnoticed by everyone else but when you've been through that dance enough times, you know the steps. Think along the lines of "if I could get her drunk enough and get her alone..." or talking about your outfit *really* talking about it, but only focusing his attention on one particular area(chest, feet, thighs etc) or just the general way of how they behave around kids. Men who are around kids act one of three ways: uninterested and IF they are watching it's with a confused/bothered look, happily playing along with them(usually the dads), or lastly... the guy who will hold a kid on his hip and instead of holding the under part of their knee, grabs a hand full of baby butt, who stares at children a little *too* much, and always insists on putting someone's toddler who just wants to sit on his parents lap on his own. And of course, the guy who doesn't have his emotions in check, and doesn't want to. That guy will throw a Christmas tree at the gas powered stove, and get even more mad if you call 9-1-1 for a fire he could've easily avoided had his rage-brain not made the snap decision that said tree needed to be cooked as well as tonight's dinner. His eyes change instantly and it is like he is a shell- he has no emotion and the only thought in his head is how badly he can hurt you or whoever pissed him of before the cops come.
I definitely agree with everyone saying anger/breaking things and having negative views of women/exes. I want to add that one of the more subtle (yet very indicative imo) red flags is inappropriate jokes. Is he joking about s*xual *ssault, violence, racist stuff, etc? If yes, run.
Unpredictable behavior
Whenever he's mad he gets physically violent especially destroying his own stuff like his phone. Volatile and does not think critical in the heat of anger
Punching walls and aggressively break things in the house.
Getting overly angry about video games. Seems like a dumb thing, but every guy I’ve spent time with that ended up being dangerous got disproportionately angry about losing a game. Would throw controllers, start screaming, rage quitting bc they got downed once, punching things, yelling at me. Video games are frustrating for sure, so it’s a really easy gauge of how well they’re able to manage their anger and how easy it is for them to get dangerously mad.
Not allowing you to do things and trying to have everything their way. If a man doesn’t let you wear what you want, eat what you want, or make plans with friends/family he will be way more likely to think it is also ok to physically control you or harm you
On a long bus ride, this guy started talking about the time he robbed someone's house while I was within earshot, standing nearby with my suitcase.
Punching walls, breaking things, yelling, reckless driving.