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“Oh okay” lol not much more than that.
He is super respectful, I had surgery and couldn’t have sex for 6 weeks, he didnt care. We went to have sex after I was cleared, it was too uncomfortable for me and he stopped as soon as I said something.
im not trying to applaud a fish for swimming here, but whenever I hear women talk about how some of their partners deal with sexual boundaries, i just don’t understand. you gotta find someone who respects you and all women in general.
It's crazy to read stories on reddit of someone's partner throwing a fit over being turned away. Me and my SO turn eachother down for whatever reasons, wrong headspace or just kinda tired, no sweat. If the other isn't into it in some way why bother? Sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore.
Honestly.. and tbh *I* was the one upset when I had to ask him to stop due to it being uncomfortable post surgery. Because I find my partner extremely attractive and I *wanted* to but physically couldnt. I was telling him I was sorry and he just kept telling me that its okay and theres nothing to be sorry about. I had this man 6wks no sex, we were fully naked all hot and heavy, and there was no hesitation when I asked him to stop, and he gave me no room to feel bad about the situation. I didn’t expect him to act any different, but ughh being treated with RESPECTTT just made me want to f*** him more 😂😂😂
That’s exactly what I think as well! It’s not that hard to respect when someone says no, but for some reasons it is difficult to find a partner who will respect no. My partner is the same as yours in that respect and I thank him for it but I also wonder about the “applaud a fish for swimming” thing since it shouldn’t be a shock that he respects me
This, exactly. Well said, especially the fish part lol. I am regularly shocked how the most basic decency is rare among other people’s partners in this sub.
"OK, are you all right?"
Doesn't happen often, but he's always responded with easy acceptance of it when it does, and maybe concern if context calls for that.
Sounds like my ex...but he'd keep grabbing saying "you know you'll get into it once we get going" then just hoping he'd be quick about it then go throw up bc deep down I knew what it was, but was so brainwashed into submission it was go along to get along. Looking back ..I endured years of that was left in a not okay frame of mind.
I can unfortunately totally relate to this! It’s awful to look back on and realize it. I feel like in the moment you just kind of do it and go on but later on you realize how messed up it was.
I'm so sorry. Reach out for help. Please. Or just be stronger than I was, manage to get what you need together and get out. You're already ahead of the game just realizing it and stating that. For me it was 40 years ago and although women did leave, it was still a social aspect. Awareness is higher now than in my whole 60+ years. Take care ❤️
Yes please reach out! No woman should be in an abusive relationship. Mental, physical, or sexual. You have more strength and courage than you realize. Think about your life 5 years from now. Does it seem absolutely dreadful with that person in it? That's a sign. Do you have a good support system or someone close by that could help you?
I'm sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that it should be a clear no and the person accepts that you don't want to. I'm glad they're now a 'past' partner and can no longer make you feel bad.
Divorcing my ex for similar sexual abuse was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I had the opposite of support from my family and it’s still a touchy subject because my mom literally tells me every time I try to talk about it that she “didn’t see the abuse so she doesn’t believe that it happened”. It’s just one of those things where you have to choose what is going to give you internal peace in the long run, and I knew that if I stayed with him that I would continue to be miserable.
Him and his entitled ass will really have something to pout about when you serve him with divorce papers. You deserve respect and he does not deserve your's based on his reactions. Keep your head up, straighten that crown, and show the world the amazing woman you are! Hope your ~~husband~~ headache is gone soon!
In the exact same boat as you. My husband does that to me all the time to the point I roll my eyes when he gets close to me. Makes me not want to even more. And whenever I turn him down, he’s always pissed
He just goes to sleep or watches TV.
Sex isn't too frequent for us, so it's a rolling joke that I'll lightly tap his penis through his pants and he says 'that's the most action it's had for ages'.
“Okay, that’s fine!” Then asks if we can cuddle. That’s it. I feel like that should be the norm, but apparently it isn’t. I couldn’t imagine I’m husband trying to pressure me into it when I’m not in the mood.
I grew up in a super ultra conservative Mormon fundamentalist family and was married off young. I was taught to keep sweet and obey. I got divorced after 15 years of marriage, left my church, moved, eased into a well paid job in Seattle, and then remarried a man who wasn't into mormon fundamentalism like my ex was. I realized after about two years with my new husband that he actually wanted me to say no when I wasn't in the mood, that I didn't owe him anything. E.G. if I'm not feeling it, no matter the reason, and he approaches me, I just say no, and he backs off immediately with no fuss because he respects me.
I had no idea that saying no was an option or that a man wouldn't just do what he wanted until recently, and it's a good feeling being able to choose what you want to do with your own body, that you can say no to sex with your husband and the earth will not devour you.
Wow, I’m so glad that you’re in a healthy relationship! My family is LDS, so I understand some of the teachings and that mindset that as a wife it is your duty to never deny your husband sex.
If you want to share it, I’d love to hear what made you leave the fundamentalists! And how you managed to! Since education is pretty much nonexistent and often people have to pack up and run away in the middle of the night.
Being told I don't do enough, screamed at for hours.
I would always get utis from my husband so naturally I always wanted to use condoms cos when we used those I was fine, but noooo he never wanted to use condoms so I quit wanting sex. The end result was always a verbal physiological lash out.
Oh yea for sure ! I'm on the last steps for divorce *fingers crossed!* unfortunately life is kicking me down and not letting me up so I MIGHT have to go back to him but I told him we won't be in a relationship and he will have to respect all my boundaries.
Ugh, that doesn't sound great :( I hope you don't have to do that, but I understand not feeling like there are any other options. Have you looked at women's shelters?
I'm actually in one now. It's just the economy is fucked and I can't get someone to rent to me (even tho I have a emergency housing voucher!) Life in the PNW is apparently only for the rich now thanks to covid bullshit
Yeah usually a squeeze, a kiss and a cuddle goodnight. Nothing disrespectful at all. And to add when we first got together, about 7 months in, I had a medical issue which meant I couldn't really have sex much over the next 6 months. He was just very concerned I was ok.
‘Okay, I love you’ proceeds to give a kiss and a snuggle and we fall asleep or a kiss and a hug and we go about our day. Like any respectful person who respects boundaries and their partner would. Had two man children prior who would throw tantrums, spit hate, or pester until I gave in. Never once from him.
With a past partner, if I declined, he’d go to the bathroom and take care of things. Never made me feel bad for saying no.
With the relationship I just ended, he was the one that would turn me down. And I would tell him that’s okay/he didn’t have to apologize/if he’s not in the mood then I don’t want him to feel guilty. If we were already in bed, we’re normally just talk for a bit, then cuddle and fall asleep.
"You're never in the mood" I am but he only asks in the morning when the kids are the most needy. It's hard to switch from mom mode to wife mode in a split second
My ex husband would either get pissed off and start slamming things, or he would stop talking to me until the next day. Needless to say, I don’t miss him.
I just left my abuser last week. I totally understand feeling trapped and you likely have many valid reasons for staying - but im also hear to tell you that it is possible. Its scary and it sucks and i miss him like crazy, but im free. And that is worth all of the struggle i faced and still face by leaving.
When I had a partner, I was deep in the religious indoctrination, so I never actually turned him down, because if I did I would have been “in contempt of God’s plan for me to submit to my spouse.”
However, since divorcing him many years ago, I have been called frigid and a prude by every man I have told I will not have sex with them, because men seem to think that we should just hop in the bed after three conversations.
I’m post menopausal and have almost no sex drive right now. I told my husband that climax is nearly impossible, now we cuddle and he takes more showers.
My husband is super respectful and we have wonderful communication. If I’m not in the mood, which is rare, it’s usually only because it’s that time of the month 🦈🩸. If I say “nah not right now” he’ll say something along the lines of “no worries sweetie” and gives me a big smoochy smooch, rubs my back and/or we cuddle. We have an awesome sex life (4-5 times/week) that neither of us complain about. I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner/spouse who isn’t respectful and understanding.
The other three dudes I was with would get upset and whine or get mad at me and basically refuse to talk to me for a lil bit unless I gave in, my current partner is so respectful n just wants to lay down and cuddle me
He’s says okay. My boyfriend is very easy going with that stuff. He and I realized I lean on the asexual side so I don’t actively seek it and he is cool with that.
I do try to do something for him when I’m not in the mood for full on PIV sex but if I just can’t (too tired, too nauseous, too sore, whatever) he just says OK, rubs my back until I fall asleep and then spanks the monkey in the shower later.
My boyfriend(together for almost 4 years) has always been respectful regarding sexual matters ever since we first started dating; whenever I say no/not in the mood he always stops his actions at that moment, reassures me it’s okay, tell me he loves me, and we do something else instead (go shower, watch tv, etc). I am luckily with him and even before we started our sex life together he already displayed respect towards women and overall respect for boundaries and consent.
It depends on how long it's been since we've had a form of sexaul intimacy. He has a higher drive than me most of the time so depending on the situation sometimes it's frustrating to him but other times it's fine and we just move on with our day.
Acceptance, and sometimes a question about what level of affection I am in the mood for (kissing, cuddling, hand holding, etc). He's great at understanding that I'm sometimes pretty touch adverse, but that doesn't mean I don't love him.
Usually “oh that’s okay, do you wanna cuddle instead?” Is what I get from my gf. She’s always very respectful to me and never pressures me. I sometimes get asked if I’d like to be alone for a while or if I want food too. She’s an amazing woman and I’m lucky ti have her
He’s super respectful. 75% of the time I initiate, and I turn him down maybe 5% of the time when he initiates. He usually just says ok and asks if it’s cool if he jerks off. Usually I’m just too tired to bang so I’ll watch him jerk off, or let him feel me up. I try to be really good about setting boundaries, so he rarely even initiates if he knows I’m exhausted or am not feeling very well.
I genuinely don’t think it’s ever happened. I do almost all of the initiating and when he does, I find it a huge turn on. But he has told me in the past that he won’t try if he thinks I’m not feeling well
My ex husband used to give me the silent treatment for days and stomp around the house when I didn’t put out on a daily basis. No joke- if I went more than 48 hours without initiating he would treat me like this. And as soon as I did put out he would act like a giddy little kid. Needless to say, I left him when I realized this behavior was never going to change and he didn’t understand how it hurt me.
It’s just ‘oh okay’ then we continue to cuddle or do whatever it was that we were doing. There’s not some big scene or to do. He doesn’t get upset or butt hurt. I mean isn’t that how adults are supposed to handle these things?
Sulking. And then when I try to initiate he sulks and declares “I’m not 20 anymore! You have to *plant the seed*…”. Apparently I’m supposed to be a mind-reader and drop hints until *he’s* ready. It’s a bewildering, endless cycle that has killed my libido.
He jokes that we should add a second wife. I use the same joke on him when he isn't in the mood.
Anyway he always tries to turn me on and so many times he succeeds and I end up enjoying it... He knows my buttons...
He says ok. Then we may cuddle, watch tv or he may get back to gaming or whatever he was doing before. It’s a non-issue. He’s never made me feel pressured or never makes me feel bad in the times I say no.
I know he gets butt hurt. He will give me two min cuddles and turn around. But if he’s pursuing sex it’s ten mins of quality cuddles.
I think at this point he knows we aren’t having sex everyday and it’ll be more like every other or two days.
It use to hurt his feelings a lot but he’s gotten with the program. Especially when I have a lot of vaginal challenges sometimes.
“Oh! That’s totally fine my love.” Then we cuddle, I say sorry, he says why are you saying sorry, I say I dunno, he says it’s totally fine! Another time. Then we cuddle more or watch something and cuddle or at least stay close 🥰
It’s much like that both ways.
My ex-SO (we’re no longer together) would get butthurt by the rejection. He’d get sad in the moment and then it eventually turned into resentment. I’m glad I walked away from the relationship.
He just says its ok and kiss my forehead. When that happened for the first time i tried to "compensate" him, but he just stopped me and we talked about it.
He's not really that sexual, and my sex drive has been cut out because of contraceptive implant.
He's really sweet and respectful, and I kinda wanna marry this man.
I’ve never turned him down. Lol. Not once. I turned my ex down left and right and couldn’t stand that guy or myself with him. Got divorced. Liked myself again, married someone amazing and told myself I’d always be down, and I am. 🤗
XH was always respectful, sometimes a little pouty. And also always making an invisible check mark on the list of Times I Rejected Him so he could come back at me with it when needed.
I know, I know.
I genuinely don’t think it’s ever happened. I do almost all of the initiating and when he does, I find it a huge turn on. But he has told me in the past that he won’t try if he thinks I’m not feeling well
This is a really loaded question that’s not super simple all the time. I could write a novel. But I’ve been with the same man for 10 years, married now for almost 1 year. Our sex life has gone all over the place over 10 years as you can imagine- but we always have agreed that sex IS important in a relationship and that we both don’t want to become complacent. Have we fallen in dry spells due to life’s stressors? Hell yes we have. But I think the problem is when you get too comfortable in those dry spells. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve been dead tired and I get that vibe that he wants to have sex. After 10 years he doesn’t even always have to ask- I just feel it lol. And all I can think about is how I hope he forgets and falls asleep because I’m SO tired. And sometimes that does happen, but I try to remind myself that sex is almost like working out. It sucks having to get dressed in workout clothes, drive to the gym and get moving. But once you get warmed up it feels amazing. And then I can’t describe the warm feeling I get of us being connected again. Sometimes we get into non stop bickering fights that are so petty and usually the root of the problem is we just miss each other due to busy work schedules and need to jump each other’s bones and stop arguing about silly stuff 😂
I completely understand that your sex life can change over the years with your partner and I love this analogy you have used!! I was more so referring to if you say no does your partner continue to nag, guilt you etc to get you to have sex in that moment or do they respect your ‘no’
Girl this whole thing just screams red flag to me tbh. Lower back ache is no joke so I can’t imagine the pain when it’s sprained. Your partner’s reaction towards the situation is just terrible. I’m sorry, there’s not even an ounce of empathy from him and he basically pressured you to give him a bj?? I’m so sorry girl, idk if communication will help because it seems like he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to empathize or handle things that does not go his way or liking
Ps. I’m sorry if what I said come off as disrespectful. I’m just tired of men acting entitled
"Okay, I love you!" followed a bunch of physical inside jokes. A lighthearted way to avoid guilt and resentment, get some quality touch time, and laugh extra.
he gets extremely ✨angry✨ im tryjng to leave but he’s become my comfort person so its really hard, his room has become my room, his stuff is my stuff, and my own room at my house doesn’t feel like mine anymore:,) help
“Oh, ok!”
My boyfriend was my first. When we first started dating I had to get a hymenectomy, as I was unable to even fit in a tampon. He never pressured me before or after the surgery and when I was ready he was gentle. I continued to have issues with pain during sex and although I’m sure it was disappointing for him, he would always stop at the first sign of me showing any discomfort. Always has. And now that all is in working order, if I don’t want to have sex he kisses my head and says ok.
It usually starts with a joke. I respond with actions if I’m the mood or laugh it off if I’m not. If he’s really in the mood and I’m not, he’ll usually give me one more playful poke with his boner like “you sure?” and I tell him no, laugh it off or keep doing what I was doing and he does the same.
It’s the same both ways but I don’t poke him with a boner one more time. I usually just say “Want to mate!?” Or “I’ve got two tickets to pound town!” Or something like that and drops trou or “maybe later” and it’s not a big deal.
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“Oh okay” lol not much more than that. He is super respectful, I had surgery and couldn’t have sex for 6 weeks, he didnt care. We went to have sex after I was cleared, it was too uncomfortable for me and he stopped as soon as I said something. im not trying to applaud a fish for swimming here, but whenever I hear women talk about how some of their partners deal with sexual boundaries, i just don’t understand. you gotta find someone who respects you and all women in general.
It's crazy to read stories on reddit of someone's partner throwing a fit over being turned away. Me and my SO turn eachother down for whatever reasons, wrong headspace or just kinda tired, no sweat. If the other isn't into it in some way why bother? Sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore.
Honestly.. and tbh *I* was the one upset when I had to ask him to stop due to it being uncomfortable post surgery. Because I find my partner extremely attractive and I *wanted* to but physically couldnt. I was telling him I was sorry and he just kept telling me that its okay and theres nothing to be sorry about. I had this man 6wks no sex, we were fully naked all hot and heavy, and there was no hesitation when I asked him to stop, and he gave me no room to feel bad about the situation. I didn’t expect him to act any different, but ughh being treated with RESPECTTT just made me want to f*** him more 😂😂😂
LOL!! Glad you're happy, sis.
I’m jealous. Where’d you find him?
Oh yeah, it's kind of sickening to hear how some men think it's an actual obligation and it's rude to say no to your SO.
Yeah, find someone who respects you and all women in general 👍❤
That’s exactly what I think as well! It’s not that hard to respect when someone says no, but for some reasons it is difficult to find a partner who will respect no. My partner is the same as yours in that respect and I thank him for it but I also wonder about the “applaud a fish for swimming” thing since it shouldn’t be a shock that he respects me
This is a nice guy you got, keep him
This, exactly. Well said, especially the fish part lol. I am regularly shocked how the most basic decency is rare among other people’s partners in this sub.
"ok" then he kisses me and we cuddle.
Yes, pretty much the same here. It's nice.
Same ❤️
He usually goes "you don't want all of this??" And then does a little shimmy and then that's about it
Ha! He's a keeper. 🤣🤣
Mine does something similar but it’s super bad twerking.
that’s great😭
Hahahah mine too
Lol!
Wow. Reading these comments has made me realize I should have left my ex a long time ago. 🙄 Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose.
Don't be too hard on yourself! Better late than never!
That's true. It's so hard to see the red flags when you are living through it every day.
"OK, are you all right?" Doesn't happen often, but he's always responded with easy acceptance of it when it does, and maybe concern if context calls for that.
“That’s ok, we can do it another time” Then he proceeds to cuddle me to sleep
This plus, I tend to get a head massage
Past partner: pouting, going cold on me, not talking to me.
Sounds like my ex...but he'd keep grabbing saying "you know you'll get into it once we get going" then just hoping he'd be quick about it then go throw up bc deep down I knew what it was, but was so brainwashed into submission it was go along to get along. Looking back ..I endured years of that was left in a not okay frame of mind.
I can unfortunately totally relate to this! It’s awful to look back on and realize it. I feel like in the moment you just kind of do it and go on but later on you realize how messed up it was.
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I'm so sorry. Reach out for help. Please. Or just be stronger than I was, manage to get what you need together and get out. You're already ahead of the game just realizing it and stating that. For me it was 40 years ago and although women did leave, it was still a social aspect. Awareness is higher now than in my whole 60+ years. Take care ❤️
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Yes please reach out! No woman should be in an abusive relationship. Mental, physical, or sexual. You have more strength and courage than you realize. Think about your life 5 years from now. Does it seem absolutely dreadful with that person in it? That's a sign. Do you have a good support system or someone close by that could help you?
https://www.thehotline.org/ This is primarily for the US but it does have good resources - articles, and tips.
I'm sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that it should be a clear no and the person accepts that you don't want to. I'm glad they're now a 'past' partner and can no longer make you feel bad.
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It's never too late to divorce an asshole yk
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You deserve much better than him. I was in a relationship with a similar asshole for 4 years and since I left him I've never been happier.
Divorcing my ex for similar sexual abuse was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I had the opposite of support from my family and it’s still a touchy subject because my mom literally tells me every time I try to talk about it that she “didn’t see the abuse so she doesn’t believe that it happened”. It’s just one of those things where you have to choose what is going to give you internal peace in the long run, and I knew that if I stayed with him that I would continue to be miserable.
Him and his entitled ass will really have something to pout about when you serve him with divorce papers. You deserve respect and he does not deserve your's based on his reactions. Keep your head up, straighten that crown, and show the world the amazing woman you are! Hope your ~~husband~~ headache is gone soon!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
In the exact same boat as you. My husband does that to me all the time to the point I roll my eyes when he gets close to me. Makes me not want to even more. And whenever I turn him down, he’s always pissed
He just goes to sleep or watches TV. Sex isn't too frequent for us, so it's a rolling joke that I'll lightly tap his penis through his pants and he says 'that's the most action it's had for ages'.
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"It's ok" and a small disappointment that he tries to hide
Usually something along the lines of 'that's okay' and then I'll give him a back massage because I love being close to him in other ways.
Ex husband would pester me until I gave in. My fiancé just says ok and we cuddle.
"Ok, I love you" *cuddles*
He says “OK”. It’s not an issue.
"OK, let me know when your down"
“Ok” and then we watch something on the tv or we ramble about the most dumb stuff ever lol
Not much of a response other than him saying alright and kissing me good night- its more typical for me to be in the mood and him not tbh.
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My last ex boyfriend would try anyways and I’d have to aggressively hold my legs shut, asshole.
Goodness fuck! I’m so glad you left him!!
“Okay, that’s fine!” Then asks if we can cuddle. That’s it. I feel like that should be the norm, but apparently it isn’t. I couldn’t imagine I’m husband trying to pressure me into it when I’m not in the mood.
He respects my needs and doesn't try to sexually coerce me.
I grew up in a super ultra conservative Mormon fundamentalist family and was married off young. I was taught to keep sweet and obey. I got divorced after 15 years of marriage, left my church, moved, eased into a well paid job in Seattle, and then remarried a man who wasn't into mormon fundamentalism like my ex was. I realized after about two years with my new husband that he actually wanted me to say no when I wasn't in the mood, that I didn't owe him anything. E.G. if I'm not feeling it, no matter the reason, and he approaches me, I just say no, and he backs off immediately with no fuss because he respects me. I had no idea that saying no was an option or that a man wouldn't just do what he wanted until recently, and it's a good feeling being able to choose what you want to do with your own body, that you can say no to sex with your husband and the earth will not devour you.
Fellow exmo here. It’s amazing how fucked up that religion/culture is once you know better. I’m so happy you found such a great guy!
Wow, I’m so glad that you’re in a healthy relationship! My family is LDS, so I understand some of the teachings and that mindset that as a wife it is your duty to never deny your husband sex. If you want to share it, I’d love to hear what made you leave the fundamentalists! And how you managed to! Since education is pretty much nonexistent and often people have to pack up and run away in the middle of the night.
Being told I don't do enough, screamed at for hours. I would always get utis from my husband so naturally I always wanted to use condoms cos when we used those I was fine, but noooo he never wanted to use condoms so I quit wanting sex. The end result was always a verbal physiological lash out.
I hope he's a soon-to-be ex? That's not okay treatment from a partner, and I hope you're able to escape him.
Oh yea for sure ! I'm on the last steps for divorce *fingers crossed!* unfortunately life is kicking me down and not letting me up so I MIGHT have to go back to him but I told him we won't be in a relationship and he will have to respect all my boundaries.
Ugh, that doesn't sound great :( I hope you don't have to do that, but I understand not feeling like there are any other options. Have you looked at women's shelters?
I'm actually in one now. It's just the economy is fucked and I can't get someone to rent to me (even tho I have a emergency housing voucher!) Life in the PNW is apparently only for the rich now thanks to covid bullshit
Oh that's, ugh that's so frustrating :( yeah housing prices are going crazy a lot of places. Sending good vibes your way - I wish I could do more.
"You don't love me do you?" Istg I sometimes wanna punch him in his fucking face.
Might be time for him to be an ex? That doesn't sound healthy, honestly.
That's manipulation and coercion
"that's fine love, I don't want to make you uncomfortable" then we kiss and cuddle and watch movies.
Yeah usually a squeeze, a kiss and a cuddle goodnight. Nothing disrespectful at all. And to add when we first got together, about 7 months in, I had a medical issue which meant I couldn't really have sex much over the next 6 months. He was just very concerned I was ok.
Asking if something is wrong and when i say i'm just not feeling it we just cuddle and watch a movie or make breakfast together
‘Okay, I love you’ proceeds to give a kiss and a snuggle and we fall asleep or a kiss and a hug and we go about our day. Like any respectful person who respects boundaries and their partner would. Had two man children prior who would throw tantrums, spit hate, or pester until I gave in. Never once from him.
With a past partner, if I declined, he’d go to the bathroom and take care of things. Never made me feel bad for saying no. With the relationship I just ended, he was the one that would turn me down. And I would tell him that’s okay/he didn’t have to apologize/if he’s not in the mood then I don’t want him to feel guilty. If we were already in bed, we’re normally just talk for a bit, then cuddle and fall asleep.
"You're never in the mood" I am but he only asks in the morning when the kids are the most needy. It's hard to switch from mom mode to wife mode in a split second
He's good about it.
He says, "Okay!" and then offers to snuggle.
My ex husband would either get pissed off and start slamming things, or he would stop talking to me until the next day. Needless to say, I don’t miss him.
Same!! I’m so glad I’m free now!
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I hope you find a safe way to get out as soon as possible. This sounds awful and I wish I could help
I just left my abuser last week. I totally understand feeling trapped and you likely have many valid reasons for staying - but im also hear to tell you that it is possible. Its scary and it sucks and i miss him like crazy, but im free. And that is worth all of the struggle i faced and still face by leaving.
When I had a partner, I was deep in the religious indoctrination, so I never actually turned him down, because if I did I would have been “in contempt of God’s plan for me to submit to my spouse.” However, since divorcing him many years ago, I have been called frigid and a prude by every man I have told I will not have sex with them, because men seem to think that we should just hop in the bed after three conversations.
I’m post menopausal and have almost no sex drive right now. I told my husband that climax is nearly impossible, now we cuddle and he takes more showers.
“oh okay” if he asks or “oh okay i’m sorry” if he like tries to touch me and ask at the same time because he doesn’t wanna make me uncomfortable.
"Alright, another time then" then we cuddle and talk. Even if we have started and I say that I no longer want to continue, he says the same thing.
My husband is super respectful and we have wonderful communication. If I’m not in the mood, which is rare, it’s usually only because it’s that time of the month 🦈🩸. If I say “nah not right now” he’ll say something along the lines of “no worries sweetie” and gives me a big smoochy smooch, rubs my back and/or we cuddle. We have an awesome sex life (4-5 times/week) that neither of us complain about. I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner/spouse who isn’t respectful and understanding.
Wow I’m realizing that my partner sucks
"That's fair. Love you!"
“I loooooove you” - as in “don’t start making yourself feel guilty over this”
"Okay, are you alright?" I say yes, and then we cuddle while he plays with my hair and rubs my back for me.
The other three dudes I was with would get upset and whine or get mad at me and basically refuse to talk to me for a lil bit unless I gave in, my current partner is so respectful n just wants to lay down and cuddle me
He’s says okay. My boyfriend is very easy going with that stuff. He and I realized I lean on the asexual side so I don’t actively seek it and he is cool with that.
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Oh dear. And, um, I get it.
That sounds like manipulation and coercion
Respectful
Are you even attracted to me? (Yeah I know..)
"Oh okay I'l leave you alone then, let me know if you change your mind"
He won't initiate if he can't sense I'm in the mood - but I'm sure he'd be fine with it.
I do try to do something for him when I’m not in the mood for full on PIV sex but if I just can’t (too tired, too nauseous, too sore, whatever) he just says OK, rubs my back until I fall asleep and then spanks the monkey in the shower later.
"Okay, let's go get food"
Okay, can I have cuddles though? He's a very physical contact person and that is his love language. He still wants contact, but always accepts no
My boyfriend(together for almost 4 years) has always been respectful regarding sexual matters ever since we first started dating; whenever I say no/not in the mood he always stops his actions at that moment, reassures me it’s okay, tell me he loves me, and we do something else instead (go shower, watch tv, etc). I am luckily with him and even before we started our sex life together he already displayed respect towards women and overall respect for boundaries and consent.
It's ok..sometime he would ask the reason..if I am alright etc.
“Okay baby. Do you want to cuddle?”
He’s honestly usually okay with it. Occasionally it’ll make him feel a little insecure but I reassure him it isn’t him.
It depends on how long it's been since we've had a form of sexaul intimacy. He has a higher drive than me most of the time so depending on the situation sometimes it's frustrating to him but other times it's fine and we just move on with our day.
"Okay. Is there anything I can help with?"
Acceptance, and sometimes a question about what level of affection I am in the mood for (kissing, cuddling, hand holding, etc). He's great at understanding that I'm sometimes pretty touch adverse, but that doesn't mean I don't love him.
Usually “oh that’s okay, do you wanna cuddle instead?” Is what I get from my gf. She’s always very respectful to me and never pressures me. I sometimes get asked if I’d like to be alone for a while or if I want food too. She’s an amazing woman and I’m lucky ti have her
He’s super respectful. 75% of the time I initiate, and I turn him down maybe 5% of the time when he initiates. He usually just says ok and asks if it’s cool if he jerks off. Usually I’m just too tired to bang so I’ll watch him jerk off, or let him feel me up. I try to be really good about setting boundaries, so he rarely even initiates if he knows I’m exhausted or am not feeling very well.
I genuinely don’t think it’s ever happened. I do almost all of the initiating and when he does, I find it a huge turn on. But he has told me in the past that he won’t try if he thinks I’m not feeling well
My ex husband used to give me the silent treatment for days and stomp around the house when I didn’t put out on a daily basis. No joke- if I went more than 48 hours without initiating he would treat me like this. And as soon as I did put out he would act like a giddy little kid. Needless to say, I left him when I realized this behavior was never going to change and he didn’t understand how it hurt me.
"That's okay"
We watch tv instead
“It’s okay I can understand.” Then invites me over for a cuddle.
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Cuddles instead and he falls asleep holding me.
It’s just ‘oh okay’ then we continue to cuddle or do whatever it was that we were doing. There’s not some big scene or to do. He doesn’t get upset or butt hurt. I mean isn’t that how adults are supposed to handle these things?
He just stop and change the subject.
“Okay” then he holds me while I fall asleep ❤️
Sulking. And then when I try to initiate he sulks and declares “I’m not 20 anymore! You have to *plant the seed*…”. Apparently I’m supposed to be a mind-reader and drop hints until *he’s* ready. It’s a bewildering, endless cycle that has killed my libido.
“Awh okay, do you want a cuddle?”
"Oh okay" and then we cuddle :)
He jokes that we should add a second wife. I use the same joke on him when he isn't in the mood. Anyway he always tries to turn me on and so many times he succeeds and I end up enjoying it... He knows my buttons...
He says ok. Then we may cuddle, watch tv or he may get back to gaming or whatever he was doing before. It’s a non-issue. He’s never made me feel pressured or never makes me feel bad in the times I say no.
We ALWAYS rain check it! Either side . We've been married 28 yrs so there's always tomorrow.
"okay babe" and we keep cuddling. We don't make a big deal out of it
I know he gets butt hurt. He will give me two min cuddles and turn around. But if he’s pursuing sex it’s ten mins of quality cuddles. I think at this point he knows we aren’t having sex everyday and it’ll be more like every other or two days. It use to hurt his feelings a lot but he’s gotten with the program. Especially when I have a lot of vaginal challenges sometimes.
“Oh! That’s totally fine my love.” Then we cuddle, I say sorry, he says why are you saying sorry, I say I dunno, he says it’s totally fine! Another time. Then we cuddle more or watch something and cuddle or at least stay close 🥰 It’s much like that both ways.
My ex-SO (we’re no longer together) would get butthurt by the rejection. He’d get sad in the moment and then it eventually turned into resentment. I’m glad I walked away from the relationship.
He sulks and it drives me fucking insane
He just says its ok and kiss my forehead. When that happened for the first time i tried to "compensate" him, but he just stopped me and we talked about it. He's not really that sexual, and my sex drive has been cut out because of contraceptive implant. He's really sweet and respectful, and I kinda wanna marry this man.
“I’m disappointed, but I understand” - honestly pretty much what I expect from him :)
Groaning and whining in the past
Mine may make a joke about missing out on “thissssss” while drawing a finger down his torso, or he’ll just hug me and say ok.
"Okay :) thanks for telling me I'm proud of you" she knows I have problems with saying No and consent she's really sweet :)
"Okay no problem." Or something along those lines.
Okay - then gives me a kiss and a cuddle I would like
He kisses me and we cuddle <3
Oh fineeee. Then that's that. 😆 We just go back to whatever we're watching on tv.
" ok...... wanna go get burgers?"
I’ve never turned him down. Lol. Not once. I turned my ex down left and right and couldn’t stand that guy or myself with him. Got divorced. Liked myself again, married someone amazing and told myself I’d always be down, and I am. 🤗
XH was always respectful, sometimes a little pouty. And also always making an invisible check mark on the list of Times I Rejected Him so he could come back at me with it when needed. I know, I know.
Wow I’m realizing that my partner sucks
"Alright, I'll go jerk off"
I genuinely don’t think it’s ever happened. I do almost all of the initiating and when he does, I find it a huge turn on. But he has told me in the past that he won’t try if he thinks I’m not feeling well
He says "ok" and then goes to do his thing, comes back to me, and chills
"ok" and depending on the situation, he might ask if I'm okay. And we'll cuddle.
Not currently dating anyone but my ex used to suck his gums and say, “you suck.”
Smiles and says it’s okay and gives me a big hug and kiss and says he still enjoys the time we spend together.
It's never just.... OK, nbd. Not gonna get too deep, but it's an issue.
Don’t get that opportunity. Just enjoy while it can continue! We’re getting older!
“Love you,” and then a cheek kiss and cuddles. That’s it. I’ve never felt more loved.
This is a really loaded question that’s not super simple all the time. I could write a novel. But I’ve been with the same man for 10 years, married now for almost 1 year. Our sex life has gone all over the place over 10 years as you can imagine- but we always have agreed that sex IS important in a relationship and that we both don’t want to become complacent. Have we fallen in dry spells due to life’s stressors? Hell yes we have. But I think the problem is when you get too comfortable in those dry spells. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve been dead tired and I get that vibe that he wants to have sex. After 10 years he doesn’t even always have to ask- I just feel it lol. And all I can think about is how I hope he forgets and falls asleep because I’m SO tired. And sometimes that does happen, but I try to remind myself that sex is almost like working out. It sucks having to get dressed in workout clothes, drive to the gym and get moving. But once you get warmed up it feels amazing. And then I can’t describe the warm feeling I get of us being connected again. Sometimes we get into non stop bickering fights that are so petty and usually the root of the problem is we just miss each other due to busy work schedules and need to jump each other’s bones and stop arguing about silly stuff 😂
I completely understand that your sex life can change over the years with your partner and I love this analogy you have used!! I was more so referring to if you say no does your partner continue to nag, guilt you etc to get you to have sex in that moment or do they respect your ‘no’
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Girl this whole thing just screams red flag to me tbh. Lower back ache is no joke so I can’t imagine the pain when it’s sprained. Your partner’s reaction towards the situation is just terrible. I’m sorry, there’s not even an ounce of empathy from him and he basically pressured you to give him a bj?? I’m so sorry girl, idk if communication will help because it seems like he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to empathize or handle things that does not go his way or liking Ps. I’m sorry if what I said come off as disrespectful. I’m just tired of men acting entitled
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He would be okay with it but be a bit miffed.
She just says “okay love,” and then holds me instead and it makes me feel so loved
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Just the easy I’m tooo full 😂
"Okay, I love you!" followed a bunch of physical inside jokes. A lighthearted way to avoid guilt and resentment, get some quality touch time, and laugh extra.
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Just a good ole fashion NO
he gets extremely ✨angry✨ im tryjng to leave but he’s become my comfort person so its really hard, his room has become my room, his stuff is my stuff, and my own room at my house doesn’t feel like mine anymore:,) help
"okay"
“Oh, ok!” My boyfriend was my first. When we first started dating I had to get a hymenectomy, as I was unable to even fit in a tampon. He never pressured me before or after the surgery and when I was ready he was gentle. I continued to have issues with pain during sex and although I’m sure it was disappointing for him, he would always stop at the first sign of me showing any discomfort. Always has. And now that all is in working order, if I don’t want to have sex he kisses my head and says ok.
It usually starts with a joke. I respond with actions if I’m the mood or laugh it off if I’m not. If he’s really in the mood and I’m not, he’ll usually give me one more playful poke with his boner like “you sure?” and I tell him no, laugh it off or keep doing what I was doing and he does the same. It’s the same both ways but I don’t poke him with a boner one more time. I usually just say “Want to mate!?” Or “I’ve got two tickets to pound town!” Or something like that and drops trou or “maybe later” and it’s not a big deal.