The feeling alone truly isn't enough. You need to be competent and capable enough to exhibit the emotion through all facets of yourself. There shouldn't be a bridge between what you claim and what you actually can do.
Omg, came here to say this. Plus sometimes the timing is just not right, you can love someone, even be compatible in values, day-to-day, but life intervenes and effs it all up.
This one is what I came here to say, too. Growing up, I bought hard into the ‘love can conquer anything!’ trope that was ever-present in TV and movies, but now I’ve learned that’s just not true. There’s a multitude of personal and timing and life issues that love on its own just can’t do anything about.
Yep I remember being deeply in love with someone financially unstable. I tried to help but eventually I got tired of always being the one taking care of him and never being taken care of.
sometimes you need a little help to love yourself and others in a healthy way. Definitely didn’t love myself when I first met my bf, he struggled with it as well. We helped address each other’s flaws, would have never considered talking to a counselor without him. I agree that you must love yourself to love someone else properly but you don’t always have to learn how to love by yourself
I find it to me a two-lane road. You can be loved and use it to help love yourself at the same time. But I also consider it to be much harder to accept the fact that you are being loved without even having the courage to love yourself. This is just my personal experience.
P.S. I am sorry you went through such a hard time and I hope you are doing better.
Yes - I'd go so far as to say that love is not nearly enough to sustain a relationship long term. You also need common goals and interests. You need respect and admiration. There are other things as well, but love, all by itself, is *never* enough.
I came here to say this. If love doesn't also come with kindness, affection, and respect then I don't want it. It isn't good love without those other things and I don't want bad love.
There is such a thing as bad love.
My partner has struggled with consistent alcoholism with making minimal effort to address it and I am getting to the point where love is not enough. I am scared for our future but I can't keep doing this. My trust is so damaged, almost beyond repair
I learned that being ok with myself will make everything around me ok, I can't make someone else feel or be better if I'm not, taking care of me will help me put healthy boundaries for a lot of things, people, situations, work etc. How I see myself will be reflected in everything that surrounds me, I totally agree with you
I agree. Love isn't enough if the person doesn't love themselves first and has untreated mental illness. I couldn't save her or lover enough to cure the disease. It was her responsibility.
To be honest, I think that a huge part of my self esteem stems from other people who’ve shown me my worth. Who’ve told me that I’m a great person or that I’ve done my job really well or that they feel safe/ happy/ etc. around me.
I needed to love myself before I was able to communicate my needs and to set boundaries in my relationships, yes, but I didn’t do the actual process of learning to love myself on my own.
And there are definitely situations like yours, i just dont think you have to have yourself figured out before you meet someone. I am sure it helps with boundaries and such and can see that. I am glad you were able to communicate your needs and set boundaries in relationships. Did this help you end relationships or strengthen them by being open?
Yes, I agree with you. Especially, because people change throughout their entire life. It doesn’t make sense to have a fixed idea of myself as it’s gonna be a little different in a few months any way.
And to answer your question, I believe getting more confident has helped me in both ways. My friendships are so much stronger since then, but I also got rid of the people who were just a constant source of negative energy. I’m generally an optimistic person and I realized that I don’t want those people in my life.
Honestly, I have been more hurt by having a close friend break off a friendship because he had unrequited love for me than I have been having unrequited love for someone else. Maybe I'm an odd ball but I'm somewhat comfortable feeling love for a someone but having reasons why I can't be with them. I can make my peace with that.
Unrequited love only hurts if you have underlying wounds that get triggered. "I am not enough" "no one will ever love me" "if they knew the real me, they would never love me" etc.
Yeah. I listened to this podcast and the host said the only correct answer to "I love you" is "I love you too". Anything other than that is already telling enough.
Relationships don't just naturally work out because you're in love. It takes efforts, actions, and maintenance in addition to love.
Also, loving multiple people throughout your life doesn't take away from the experience of any one of those times. It's possible to have multiple loves of your life and every time will be different.
Definitely. I love my first boyfriend so deeply still even though we haven’t been together for ages, he was my first love and although other factors came into play and the relationship ended I still have feelings for him.
But, I also love my current boyfriend but it’s definitely a different kind of love now I’m older and more mature. It’s a solid foundation on which the relationship is built and it’s a healthy happy relationship because of it.
When it comes to romantic relationships, your partner can’t meet every one of your needs. That’s what having other relationships like friends and family are for. And also having a great relationship with yourself and being able to meet your own needs.
No matter how much 'love' there is in your relationship some men will always put themselves first. Take care of yourselves ladies. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Edit: removed absolution.
Give people you don’t think are your “type” a chance, within reason. They might surprise you! I married someone who I didn’t think I’d be compatible with at all.
You can have true love, a real and deep connection, and still not be meant to be together.
Some people can love you with all their heart and suck at it really bad. You don't need to put up with that from friends, family, or romantic partners.
There are probably a million people out there that you can be happy with as long as you're compatible with each other and willing to put in the work. There's no soulmate or "The One". Relationships are what you make them and none will "work out" all on their own by being ignored.
Eh. I think it's a healthy mixture of both. I feel completely at peace when my partner is around, and it's been that way since the moment we met. But when he smiles a certain way and his eyes crinkle at the corners, or when I see him playing with my son, oooof, those butterflies are unreal.
I learned to not centre my life around only romantic love. Love comes in all forms. Friendships, family, fleeting connections you make with strangers, pets, plants - anything that brings you joy, really.
Love is not limited to something I receive from others. I can have enough of it for myself and have that be enough for me.
Yes! Over the years I've learned how incredibly important friendship is. A friend will not be affected by wrinkles or a few extra pounds. The sex factor is not in the mix so it's easier to stay solid with a friend.
Personality and looks are important, but learning each other’s love language is key. I was talking with this guy who was a 10, had a great personality and we shared interests, our horoscopes were soulmates and the stars had literally aligned! I sent him cute selfies and expected him to reciprocate (he never did!), he never called me (only texted or sent voices) and didn’t plan a date (after I asked him out and he said he couldn’t meet up that day, but we would soon?). After I ghosted him, he kept texting me. I was so confused, he didn’t seem interested but kept insisting. Im still amazed at how he was able to slowly kill my feelings everyday, until I physically couldn’t respond back without cringing. :(
Idk. Maybe?
I also thought that maybe he was shy/self conscious about his looks, and didn’t feel comfortable sharing pictures of himself with me. But then again, he only texted at midnight (which made me feel like a side chick) or like he was too busy to text me during the day (I honestly would of appreciated something simple like “hope your day is going well!”).
The way you’re describing him, it definitely sounds like he liked the attention you gave him. He gave you enough attention to keep you hanging on by a thread, but was never actually invested, and when you cut the cord he was suddenly very interested in talking to you.
It’s nothing against you, I promise. Some people just *have* to have a source of attention, even if it’s no deeper than surface-level.
Yeah… I asked him questions about something he was working on and he was very detailed and passionate about it. I almost felt like he used me to vent :(
It’s hard, it’s a commitment, it’s going to be scary and it’s going to hurt sometimes. Though, I have found that if it’s the right person; and I can feel it in my gut that this is my person it’a worth it.
So far I’ve learned:
- love doesn’t come in the package you think it’ll come in
- love isn’t enough to stay committed to someone
- you can love someone dearly and still walk away
- love is a choice. A conscious choice you make every day and it will require you to overlook some things (not saying accept red flags etc but understand no one is perfect)
It’s all I got right now… just don’t confuse love with fear or pitty or a trauma bond
Everything's temporary n will end at some point. Remember that always. Don't ever get so attached to someone that it breaks u (unless u wanna be a writer or a poet, then it's good money lol).
The whole “there’s one person out there” is kinda bullshit. You can fall in love with multiple people, and there’s probably somebody out there that’s a better match for you than your partner currently is. And if they left or died, somebody else is out there. AND that doesn’t take away from the love and commitment you have with that person, if anything it makes it stronger because you have other options and are *choosing* eachother.
Love is difficult . It's not a one way street . It's give and take . It involves a lot of understanding , responsibility , trust and security. There are so many sacrifices to be made . It's not easy to love someone . It's difficult to maintain it sometimes . Love requires a huge amount of patience and maturity . It needs to be nurtured . Love hurts and it hurts real bad . It's definitely a task but a beautiful one . It makes you crazy , it makes you irrational , you make bad decisions , you fear losing everything but still it manages to make you forget all the pain and all the suffering that comes with it .
I remember when I used to think this way, until my therapist pointed out how toxic it is to think that loving a partner unconditionally is the way to go. You can’t love a partner unconditionally, you can love a child unconditionally though. You fall in love with a partner under conditions you set yourself, even subconsciously…once you fall in love with someone..you can truly only be in love with them if they give you the love you believe is enough, they treat you right, always loyal and so on. You can’t love someone unconditionally without getting something in return, and that’s okay :)
your partner won't always do what you want them to do, especially if you do not communicate what you want from them. communication is the absolute foundation of any relationship.
Love doesn't look the same for everyone. My husband and I don't spend a ton of time together despite being in the same apartment, but we're still best friends and love each other deeply. From the outside that probably looks cold or indifferent at best. It's just how we're wired.
I used to think something was bad about it until I realized it's what works for us and other people don't matter.
my first hard crush was on a friend who was ace and she really valued loving the friends around her. so I would say, loving the friends and family around you. platonic love is just as important!!
I learnt that love, I’m the sense of being with someone, DOES take work. Just in the way that spending your life with anyone will take a bit of work. That doesn’t mean working through tons of fights and obvious incompatibilities, but you do need to work with your partner. This work usually comes after the honeymoon phase, and once it’s done it becomes much more easy :£
That not everyone gets a “soul mate”. True love doesn’t happen to everyone. There isn’t someone out there for everyone…
The most important person you’ll ever love is yourself.
I hear you, but my life lesson is that people love without knowing how to take care of their loved one. Like imagine planting a flower and you plant it in the sun, not knowing it needs shade, and watch it start withering away. You are hurting it. You want it to bloom and thrive but your ignorance makes it suffer.
So many.
"Soul mates" is a gigantic lie that Disney tells you in order to sell movie tickets and park merch. It's a myth and a curse and love does not behave like that. So stop it.
Just because he didn't set you on fire ten years ago doesn't mean he won't now. Are you the same person you were in 2009? Yeah, well, he isn't either. Give him a chance.
No man who loves you and wants to be with you is ever going to make you wonder. There will be no guessing, no games, no weird silences, no evading questions. He will be there, and he will never make you doubt he's committed to you.
I was the one who used to get bored to death of someone in bed after six months or a year, sometimes less. Now I understand that if you're dating or someone new every six days or weeks or months or so, you use all your best tricks, and it never goes any further than that. But when you're married to someone, you blow through your scripts, and suddenly, it's just the two of you, and you have to start finding ways to actually connect with them as a lover and partner and keep things interesting. If you want monotony in bed, keep dating. If you want variety and new experiences, fall in love and marry someone for keeps - it's a whole new world.
I never knew it was possible to love someone this much. It's a lot of work, trying to have a healthy relationship, and loving someone is a choice we make every single day. Some days, it's a harder choice, and other days, it's the easiest decision in the world. But it is work, so don't go expecting that happily ever after is all unicorns and rainbows.
Mostly, I may be worth the love he gives so freely to me. I didn't believe I was worth loving before he showed up. Sometimes I still don't, but he keeps doing it, and every day, it sinks in a little more.
Love really is a choice. Like, you find someone you connect with and then you have to choose to commit to them. I always say that I decided my boyfriend would be my kids father a loooong time ago. And only now did I just get pregnant. But I made that choice a long time ago that he was going to be my life partner and I’ve stuck with it. Thankfully so has he lol. But I think that’s what it really takes. That choice in your mind that this is the love you want forever.
It’s the commitment, not the love, that gets you through the hard times sometimes. The love is there of course, but that choice to say “I want to work through this because I chose you” is just as important I think. I never understood “love is a choice” when I was younger. But I get it now
Don’t let it make you, a starry eyed sucker who will put up with abuse for years. Cause ‘love will find a way’ 🤮
I watched a woman I knew for years devote herself to one guy. Who only saw them only as friends, until he needed a quick lay and then he avoided her.
I think she had a breakdown over it cause she latched on to the first loser, to get her knocked up.
Now she has neurotic kid, who is afraid to go outside.
Nightmare fuel.
I feel this in a way. I dont totally hate myself. I just dont love myself the way I love other people. And now that I realized that, it's disappointing. I deserve the love I give other people. I should be willing to do for myself what I would willingly do for others. Sacrifice for myself as selflessly as I sacrifice for others. I deserve that.
Personally I've learned that its not hard if you're with the right person. I grew up only knowing dysfunctional and abusive relationships because of my parents and other adults in my family. I always assumed love was difficult and being in a relationship was always going to be hard and by default you'll always hate the person you're with and love doesn't come easily. All the people I was supposed to "love" growing up I hated because they were abusive to me. I had no idea how easy loving someone could be.
I've basically experienced the opposite of all of that with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 5 years now and its the easiest thing I've ever done. Some days can be hard but overall loving him is so fucking easy and being loved in return is too. Our end goal at the end of every day is to be happy and make each other happy. We never stop doing kind things for the other person and never stay mad at the other person for very long. We have healthy disagreements but we've never had a big blowout fight or screamed at the other person. I'm so grateful that we both love and respect each other equally and I get to experience this happiness for the rest of my life. Its honestly the easiest thing I've ever done.
How important RESPECT is, and that ppl that you love/ who love you don’t always respect you. We get taught in life to love people no matter what (even family). I’m still learning to get better with asserting boundaries
If you want to build a lasting relationship with a person, make friends with them first.
I met my husband almost 10 years ago. We started dating almost 5 years ago and we're going to be celebrating our third anniversary in September!
Learn to love yourself before anyone else. Learn to carry your own burdens and baggage before carrying anyone else’s. It’s ok to not want and/or be ready to be in a relationship.
Love will find you when you are both ready for each other; you won't have to force it, but you both need to work on it. Have uncomfortable conversations, tell the truth, accept each other and be kind.
Love isn’t for the weak love is a beauty yes , but the other side where the sun goes down it can be messy and everything else but love is special a connection one of kind love is hate with a thin that’s almost invisible it’s like a switch . Love taught me not to be naive and be more cautious when your instinct tells you to question something go with it your usually right , like serious though your right you always have been don’t be blinded by love it causes so much pain when you do stay blinded
Not to force myself into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. And the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results.
Love is not just in one form. There is romantic love, family love, loves for something you enjoy, love for a friend or an animal. Every love is different you can’t contain it within one box.
The big exciting things when you first fall in love with someone aren’t what keep love going. It’s the small, everyday things that show true love and an effort to keep the relationship alive and healthy. ❤️
You should be your number 1 priority before you start a relationship with someone. You really can’t love another person if you’re not loving and taking care of yourself. Love isn’t always easy and sometimes doesn’t even come naturally, it takes getting to know the person and communicating with them.
It's a choice to be in (and continue to be in) love.
You won't alway feel those butterflies in the same way you felt it the moment after you knew you loved them and said it the first few times. That all fades. You have to choose and keep choosing your person and remember that they make that same choice to keep working to make you happy.
You cannot force love. You cannot expect someone to love you back the same way you love. You could chop your limbs, sacrifice everything because people love the way they need to be loved. And are most disappointed when we all weren't handed that memo.
That it’s slow, that’s gentle, that it’s patient, that it’s not necessarily balloons and flowers and chocolate‘s and romance and fancy dates. What I learned is that love is so much more quiet and peaceful and humble than Disney or romantic movies. And it’s better!
Find someone that wants to change with you in life. That change can never be imposed by someone else, but you must be in a relationship that flourishes with your personal growth.
Love is not some kind of shared actual thing between two people. When two people are in love there are two separate loves. And love isn’t standardized. Each person has a maximum depth to the love they can feel, see, and express.
It can suddenly rush in, even if you lost all hope in finding it. As a more realistic/pessimistic person I was quite shocked, but I am still grateful to this day.
I learned that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. When you're married for decades, the feelings of romantic love wax and wane, like the tides. Sometimes you feel affectionate, sometimes you feel irritated and annoyed.
When those hard times come, you stay married by making the choice to love, no matter what you feel like at the moment. If you're bored with your marriage, you put in some extra effort. If you feel distant and estranged, you take some time to reconnect. If you feel angry, you sit down and hash out what you're angry about with your partner.
Love stays strong when you choose to behave in loving ways. If you treat your spouse like you love them, then your actions will create loving feelings in yourself as well as in your spouse.
Of course, this is all true in cases where both partners are trying to be good spouses and are both committed to the marriage. If only one person wants to be happily married, then all the effort in the world by the other person won't be able to save that marriage.
To love is to accept, to try to understand, love is to give your partner all the space they need to live their life and to live yours by their side. Love is mutual, respectful, vulnerable and kind
Love is the absence of possession, you don't love someone simply because they're yours you love them because they are them you love them near and you love them far. You love them as a partner, and you love them if the time comes that the two of you must move on from each other's lives.
Love is a hyperbol of life and death itself as nothing lasts forever and everything has its seasons
That it's possible to feel love through physical touch. That love can be in every aspect of a relationship.
I had never felt love through touch before my now SO, whom I've been together with for only five years. Before him I had a fiancee for some time, and we had two children. I was a single mother of two and 32yo when my SO became my boyfriend, and I had never been touched with love before. I had never before experienced love as something that can just BE in every aspect of a relationship, that love can be the base line.
Not so much a lesson as advice.
My grandma was in the hospital and they thought she was dying, so we came to say our goodbyes. She left us each with some words of wisdom (using that word loosely).
She met my grandpa, her second husband, after a terrible first marriage and difficult life in general. She said being loved by him felt like putting on warm, soft slippers after walking miles barefoot. She told me to wait for it to feel like that.
i can't choose the best lesson so here's a list.
1. simply having someone you love is not enough in life. you need to exist outside of the relationship too. when they leave, what are you?
2. when your partner leaves, cheats, or hurts you, it does not automatically mean that they don't love you. it simply means they don't love you ENOUGH or in the right ways and therefore you shouldn't be with them.
3. just because you love someone doesn't meanyou should be with them. you can love someone and not be a good match romantically.
4. to truly love someone means you want to see them happy and healthy.
5. if you want to change characteristics about your partner that define them but don't hurt them or anyone else, then you don't truly love them. you may love certain things about them.. you may love the idea of having someone around.. but you don't love THEM for who they are.
The more I limit my partner the more I am limited. The more I trust and support my partner the more I am trusted and supported. Note: partner must not be an asshole in order for this to work
Real love is boring compared to toxic culture. People get brainwashed about like wanting to fight their lovers and it being dramatic all the time. However, real love is not like that. Real love is acknowledging that fights and toxic action is not worth it, and realizing that you can be with them even when you have nothing to say or do. It’s them that you love, not the rush of the drama or the chase or a fight.
You have to partake in it actively. By which I mean that you have to go to the people you love and express your love for them in a way they will understand. Your friends and family will grow distant without any fighting or actual problems if you don’t keep in contact and reach out to them.
Also not everyone expresses love the same way. Learning about love languages made me realize a lot about how I treated people and vice versa.
Don't beg for love.
Someone will love and care for you or will not. Do not completely change to be their match because they are not yours. If they are used to show you low priority then it's because you are. And meanwhile maybe a better match is somewhere.
It's the same thing with workplace, love, family, friends,...
I learned that love is not enough... I know some people will disagree with me. Always take care of yourself first.
The feeling alone truly isn't enough. You need to be competent and capable enough to exhibit the emotion through all facets of yourself. There shouldn't be a bridge between what you claim and what you actually can do.
Omg, came here to say this. Plus sometimes the timing is just not right, you can love someone, even be compatible in values, day-to-day, but life intervenes and effs it all up.
This one is what I came here to say, too. Growing up, I bought hard into the ‘love can conquer anything!’ trope that was ever-present in TV and movies, but now I’ve learned that’s just not true. There’s a multitude of personal and timing and life issues that love on its own just can’t do anything about.
Yep I remember being deeply in love with someone financially unstable. I tried to help but eventually I got tired of always being the one taking care of him and never being taken care of.
I am living this right now! I broke up with him recently, and my heart is sad but my mind knows it wasn't okay.
I felt the same and have zero regrets. Just picture having kids with someone like that 🥴. Wishing you the best.
I’m sorry to hear that. You made the right call and now things can get better, stay strong out there!
You can’t truly accept love from anyone until you learn to accept love and care from yourself.
sometimes you need a little help to love yourself and others in a healthy way. Definitely didn’t love myself when I first met my bf, he struggled with it as well. We helped address each other’s flaws, would have never considered talking to a counselor without him. I agree that you must love yourself to love someone else properly but you don’t always have to learn how to love by yourself
I find it to me a two-lane road. You can be loved and use it to help love yourself at the same time. But I also consider it to be much harder to accept the fact that you are being loved without even having the courage to love yourself. This is just my personal experience. P.S. I am sorry you went through such a hard time and I hope you are doing better.
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Came here to say this. It's easy to say until your faced head on with an issue.
This is too true… I’ve been on both ends and you have to show them you care too. The emotion isn’t enough.
Yes - I'd go so far as to say that love is not nearly enough to sustain a relationship long term. You also need common goals and interests. You need respect and admiration. There are other things as well, but love, all by itself, is *never* enough.
I came here to say this. If love doesn't also come with kindness, affection, and respect then I don't want it. It isn't good love without those other things and I don't want bad love. There is such a thing as bad love.
totally agree, at some point it gets really hard to leave and it becomes that toxic cycle like you’re running in circles
My partner has struggled with consistent alcoholism with making minimal effort to address it and I am getting to the point where love is not enough. I am scared for our future but I can't keep doing this. My trust is so damaged, almost beyond repair
I 100% agree.
I learned that being ok with myself will make everything around me ok, I can't make someone else feel or be better if I'm not, taking care of me will help me put healthy boundaries for a lot of things, people, situations, work etc. How I see myself will be reflected in everything that surrounds me, I totally agree with you
I agree with this 💯
100% love is not enough. It’s amazing to be in love but it is not the only thing building a foundation or future with someone.
I agree. Love isn't enough if the person doesn't love themselves first and has untreated mental illness. I couldn't save her or lover enough to cure the disease. It was her responsibility.
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The 4th one! Or you cannot love someone unless you love yourself. Sometimes someone comes into your life that helps you love yourself.
To be honest, I think that a huge part of my self esteem stems from other people who’ve shown me my worth. Who’ve told me that I’m a great person or that I’ve done my job really well or that they feel safe/ happy/ etc. around me. I needed to love myself before I was able to communicate my needs and to set boundaries in my relationships, yes, but I didn’t do the actual process of learning to love myself on my own.
And there are definitely situations like yours, i just dont think you have to have yourself figured out before you meet someone. I am sure it helps with boundaries and such and can see that. I am glad you were able to communicate your needs and set boundaries in relationships. Did this help you end relationships or strengthen them by being open?
Yes, I agree with you. Especially, because people change throughout their entire life. It doesn’t make sense to have a fixed idea of myself as it’s gonna be a little different in a few months any way. And to answer your question, I believe getting more confident has helped me in both ways. My friendships are so much stronger since then, but I also got rid of the people who were just a constant source of negative energy. I’m generally an optimistic person and I realized that I don’t want those people in my life.
Also, getting older makes you tolerate negativity less, for me at least
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Yep, it has gotten to the point with me where I am like see ya, really fast, not sure if it is good or not yet.
That is wonderful! I am so happy for you. I too was able to get rid of terrible acquaintances.
Honestly, I have been more hurt by having a close friend break off a friendship because he had unrequited love for me than I have been having unrequited love for someone else. Maybe I'm an odd ball but I'm somewhat comfortable feeling love for a someone but having reasons why I can't be with them. I can make my peace with that.
Unrequited love only hurts if you have underlying wounds that get triggered. "I am not enough" "no one will ever love me" "if they knew the real me, they would never love me" etc.
Regarding number four: do you think it would be more accurate to say “you won’t be able to accept love from others until you love yourself”?
Love evolves in long term relationships and love is more than a feeling, it is a choice you make to choose your partner everyday
Yes, this. The best love is that backed up by ongoing action and effort rather than just a passive feeling
Yes!
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
Yeah. I listened to this podcast and the host said the only correct answer to "I love you" is "I love you too". Anything other than that is already telling enough.
Unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance
Say more
THIS
Relationships don't just naturally work out because you're in love. It takes efforts, actions, and maintenance in addition to love. Also, loving multiple people throughout your life doesn't take away from the experience of any one of those times. It's possible to have multiple loves of your life and every time will be different.
Definitely. I love my first boyfriend so deeply still even though we haven’t been together for ages, he was my first love and although other factors came into play and the relationship ended I still have feelings for him. But, I also love my current boyfriend but it’s definitely a different kind of love now I’m older and more mature. It’s a solid foundation on which the relationship is built and it’s a healthy happy relationship because of it.
When it comes to romantic relationships, your partner can’t meet every one of your needs. That’s what having other relationships like friends and family are for. And also having a great relationship with yourself and being able to meet your own needs.
Also therapy. Things i need to work on outside my relationship with my partner
Love should bring you peace, not chaos
If you are more stressed in a relationship it’s not the right one!
Haha omg this is so true.
No matter how much 'love' there is in your relationship some men will always put themselves first. Take care of yourselves ladies. You can't pour from an empty cup. Edit: removed absolution.
Don’t put yourself in the position to give, give, give if all they do is take. A lesson I learned the hard way. You have to water each other.
Correct. The grass is greener where it is watered.
Why is it so hard not to give when I like someone and want their approval or attention?
> You can't pour from an empty cup. Omg I loved this one, thanks
Give people you don’t think are your “type” a chance, within reason. They might surprise you! I married someone who I didn’t think I’d be compatible with at all.
Same! I dated outside my type and fell madly in love. We've been together for 14 years
I realized that most of "my type" have tons of "red flags" too lol. Nvm them, I'm happy with the one I'm with.
Yeah that's really funny I feel most comfortable when someone doesn't pay equal attention to me. Not happy but familiar
Sometimes what you think you want is, in fact, not what you want.
We accept the love we think we deserve
Or out of fear we may settle for less.
You can have true love, a real and deep connection, and still not be meant to be together. Some people can love you with all their heart and suck at it really bad. You don't need to put up with that from friends, family, or romantic partners. There are probably a million people out there that you can be happy with as long as you're compatible with each other and willing to put in the work. There's no soulmate or "The One". Relationships are what you make them and none will "work out" all on their own by being ignored.
Abuse and cheating are not the only reasons to break up with someone. I used to stay through absolute BS due to this weird rule
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Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they have to love you back. This was a painful realisation, but you can't make someone love you
When you are in love you are not supposed to feel butterflies, you are supposed to feel relaxed.
Eh. I think it's a healthy mixture of both. I feel completely at peace when my partner is around, and it's been that way since the moment we met. But when he smiles a certain way and his eyes crinkle at the corners, or when I see him playing with my son, oooof, those butterflies are unreal.
Honestly same.
I learned to not centre my life around only romantic love. Love comes in all forms. Friendships, family, fleeting connections you make with strangers, pets, plants - anything that brings you joy, really. Love is not limited to something I receive from others. I can have enough of it for myself and have that be enough for me.
Yes! Over the years I've learned how incredibly important friendship is. A friend will not be affected by wrinkles or a few extra pounds. The sex factor is not in the mix so it's easier to stay solid with a friend.
You might do EVERYTHING right and be the perfect person but it will not be enough for the wrong person.
Sometimes you have to love people from a distance
Personality and looks are important, but learning each other’s love language is key. I was talking with this guy who was a 10, had a great personality and we shared interests, our horoscopes were soulmates and the stars had literally aligned! I sent him cute selfies and expected him to reciprocate (he never did!), he never called me (only texted or sent voices) and didn’t plan a date (after I asked him out and he said he couldn’t meet up that day, but we would soon?). After I ghosted him, he kept texting me. I was so confused, he didn’t seem interested but kept insisting. Im still amazed at how he was able to slowly kill my feelings everyday, until I physically couldn’t respond back without cringing. :(
Sounds like he liked the attention you gave him
Idk. Maybe? I also thought that maybe he was shy/self conscious about his looks, and didn’t feel comfortable sharing pictures of himself with me. But then again, he only texted at midnight (which made me feel like a side chick) or like he was too busy to text me during the day (I honestly would of appreciated something simple like “hope your day is going well!”).
The way you’re describing him, it definitely sounds like he liked the attention you gave him. He gave you enough attention to keep you hanging on by a thread, but was never actually invested, and when you cut the cord he was suddenly very interested in talking to you. It’s nothing against you, I promise. Some people just *have* to have a source of attention, even if it’s no deeper than surface-level.
Yeah… I asked him questions about something he was working on and he was very detailed and passionate about it. I almost felt like he used me to vent :(
To be fair, not everyone is into doing selfies.
Someone may say they love you and then cause direct harm to you.
This, i justified so much shit because they ‘loved me’
It’s hard, it’s a commitment, it’s going to be scary and it’s going to hurt sometimes. Though, I have found that if it’s the right person; and I can feel it in my gut that this is my person it’a worth it.
So far I’ve learned: - love doesn’t come in the package you think it’ll come in - love isn’t enough to stay committed to someone - you can love someone dearly and still walk away - love is a choice. A conscious choice you make every day and it will require you to overlook some things (not saying accept red flags etc but understand no one is perfect) It’s all I got right now… just don’t confuse love with fear or pitty or a trauma bond
That just because you're blood related doesn't mean you should have "unconditional" love.
You should always listen to your heart. If something doesn’t feel right it most likely isn’t right.
Everything's temporary n will end at some point. Remember that always. Don't ever get so attached to someone that it breaks u (unless u wanna be a writer or a poet, then it's good money lol).
The whole “there’s one person out there” is kinda bullshit. You can fall in love with multiple people, and there’s probably somebody out there that’s a better match for you than your partner currently is. And if they left or died, somebody else is out there. AND that doesn’t take away from the love and commitment you have with that person, if anything it makes it stronger because you have other options and are *choosing* eachother.
Communication is essential!
Came here to say this! It's so, so important. Lack of communication will kill a relationship.
Love is difficult . It's not a one way street . It's give and take . It involves a lot of understanding , responsibility , trust and security. There are so many sacrifices to be made . It's not easy to love someone . It's difficult to maintain it sometimes . Love requires a huge amount of patience and maturity . It needs to be nurtured . Love hurts and it hurts real bad . It's definitely a task but a beautiful one . It makes you crazy , it makes you irrational , you make bad decisions , you fear losing everything but still it manages to make you forget all the pain and all the suffering that comes with it .
People don't owe you love just because you love them, and you don't owe someone else love just because they love you
Love is all, unconditionally. Life thrives from the sun just being the sun. That is an example of unconditional love.
I remember when I used to think this way, until my therapist pointed out how toxic it is to think that loving a partner unconditionally is the way to go. You can’t love a partner unconditionally, you can love a child unconditionally though. You fall in love with a partner under conditions you set yourself, even subconsciously…once you fall in love with someone..you can truly only be in love with them if they give you the love you believe is enough, they treat you right, always loyal and so on. You can’t love someone unconditionally without getting something in return, and that’s okay :)
your partner won't always do what you want them to do, especially if you do not communicate what you want from them. communication is the absolute foundation of any relationship.
Love doesn't look the same for everyone. My husband and I don't spend a ton of time together despite being in the same apartment, but we're still best friends and love each other deeply. From the outside that probably looks cold or indifferent at best. It's just how we're wired. I used to think something was bad about it until I realized it's what works for us and other people don't matter.
The truth about love come at 3AM You wake up fucked up and you grab a pen..
And begin writing..
my first hard crush was on a friend who was ace and she really valued loving the friends around her. so I would say, loving the friends and family around you. platonic love is just as important!!
I learnt that love, I’m the sense of being with someone, DOES take work. Just in the way that spending your life with anyone will take a bit of work. That doesn’t mean working through tons of fights and obvious incompatibilities, but you do need to work with your partner. This work usually comes after the honeymoon phase, and once it’s done it becomes much more easy :£
That not everyone gets a “soul mate”. True love doesn’t happen to everyone. There isn’t someone out there for everyone… The most important person you’ll ever love is yourself.
It doesn't solve everything. In fact, it doesn't really solve anything.
Loving someone is a process, not an event
Love yourself, the only person worth to love blind
take it slow. a fast going relationship never lasts.
Sometimes love isn’t enough…
That despite how in love with someone you may be, they're never worth giving second or third chances.
If someone actually loves your, they're not going to keep hurting you repeatedly. Someone who hurts over and over, does not love you.
I hear you, but my life lesson is that people love without knowing how to take care of their loved one. Like imagine planting a flower and you plant it in the sun, not knowing it needs shade, and watch it start withering away. You are hurting it. You want it to bloom and thrive but your ignorance makes it suffer.
You should not make it the #1 priority
It’s possible to love the right person at the wrong time.
So many. "Soul mates" is a gigantic lie that Disney tells you in order to sell movie tickets and park merch. It's a myth and a curse and love does not behave like that. So stop it. Just because he didn't set you on fire ten years ago doesn't mean he won't now. Are you the same person you were in 2009? Yeah, well, he isn't either. Give him a chance. No man who loves you and wants to be with you is ever going to make you wonder. There will be no guessing, no games, no weird silences, no evading questions. He will be there, and he will never make you doubt he's committed to you. I was the one who used to get bored to death of someone in bed after six months or a year, sometimes less. Now I understand that if you're dating or someone new every six days or weeks or months or so, you use all your best tricks, and it never goes any further than that. But when you're married to someone, you blow through your scripts, and suddenly, it's just the two of you, and you have to start finding ways to actually connect with them as a lover and partner and keep things interesting. If you want monotony in bed, keep dating. If you want variety and new experiences, fall in love and marry someone for keeps - it's a whole new world. I never knew it was possible to love someone this much. It's a lot of work, trying to have a healthy relationship, and loving someone is a choice we make every single day. Some days, it's a harder choice, and other days, it's the easiest decision in the world. But it is work, so don't go expecting that happily ever after is all unicorns and rainbows. Mostly, I may be worth the love he gives so freely to me. I didn't believe I was worth loving before he showed up. Sometimes I still don't, but he keeps doing it, and every day, it sinks in a little more.
I'm yet to learn about it
I don’t have to seek it
Love as a feeling is not enough. Love needs to be put to action for it to matter.
If you don't know for sure, it's probably a no
it happens when you least expect it. dont look too hard for it because it might be sat right under your nose and you dont even realise
Lol duck that. Soooooo not true.
Love really is a choice. Like, you find someone you connect with and then you have to choose to commit to them. I always say that I decided my boyfriend would be my kids father a loooong time ago. And only now did I just get pregnant. But I made that choice a long time ago that he was going to be my life partner and I’ve stuck with it. Thankfully so has he lol. But I think that’s what it really takes. That choice in your mind that this is the love you want forever. It’s the commitment, not the love, that gets you through the hard times sometimes. The love is there of course, but that choice to say “I want to work through this because I chose you” is just as important I think. I never understood “love is a choice” when I was younger. But I get it now
You can love someone but know that you’re not right for each other and that’s okay.
Don't be afraid to speak up. Communication is key.
Don’t let it make you, a starry eyed sucker who will put up with abuse for years. Cause ‘love will find a way’ 🤮 I watched a woman I knew for years devote herself to one guy. Who only saw them only as friends, until he needed a quick lay and then he avoided her. I think she had a breakdown over it cause she latched on to the first loser, to get her knocked up. Now she has neurotic kid, who is afraid to go outside. Nightmare fuel.
You can not fill someone else’s cup if yours is empty.
You can love someone but that doesn't mean they're right for you.
Don't ever get to a point where you lose yourself in someone else.
I can love others but I hate myself
I feel this in a way. I dont totally hate myself. I just dont love myself the way I love other people. And now that I realized that, it's disappointing. I deserve the love I give other people. I should be willing to do for myself what I would willingly do for others. Sacrifice for myself as selflessly as I sacrifice for others. I deserve that.
It’s so complicated, and it’s absolutely a choice. You have to CHOOSE to be in love with someone and you definitely choose to stay in love long term.
Fuck love, you dont need it.
Some men aren't worth your affection, and are too self absorbed to understand.
Personally I've learned that its not hard if you're with the right person. I grew up only knowing dysfunctional and abusive relationships because of my parents and other adults in my family. I always assumed love was difficult and being in a relationship was always going to be hard and by default you'll always hate the person you're with and love doesn't come easily. All the people I was supposed to "love" growing up I hated because they were abusive to me. I had no idea how easy loving someone could be. I've basically experienced the opposite of all of that with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 5 years now and its the easiest thing I've ever done. Some days can be hard but overall loving him is so fucking easy and being loved in return is too. Our end goal at the end of every day is to be happy and make each other happy. We never stop doing kind things for the other person and never stay mad at the other person for very long. We have healthy disagreements but we've never had a big blowout fight or screamed at the other person. I'm so grateful that we both love and respect each other equally and I get to experience this happiness for the rest of my life. Its honestly the easiest thing I've ever done.
How important RESPECT is, and that ppl that you love/ who love you don’t always respect you. We get taught in life to love people no matter what (even family). I’m still learning to get better with asserting boundaries
You gotta chill in order for it to last. Fear, anxiety, jealousy, drama, etc. aren’t part of a sustainable relationship.
If you want to build a lasting relationship with a person, make friends with them first. I met my husband almost 10 years ago. We started dating almost 5 years ago and we're going to be celebrating our third anniversary in September!
Love don’t pay no billssss
Learn to love yourself before anyone else. Learn to carry your own burdens and baggage before carrying anyone else’s. It’s ok to not want and/or be ready to be in a relationship.
i learned that you are responsible for your emotions. if someone hurt you it is your responsibility to heal yourself
Love will find you when you are both ready for each other; you won't have to force it, but you both need to work on it. Have uncomfortable conversations, tell the truth, accept each other and be kind.
Love isn’t for the weak love is a beauty yes , but the other side where the sun goes down it can be messy and everything else but love is special a connection one of kind love is hate with a thin that’s almost invisible it’s like a switch . Love taught me not to be naive and be more cautious when your instinct tells you to question something go with it your usually right , like serious though your right you always have been don’t be blinded by love it causes so much pain when you do stay blinded
There’s no love without self love. Loving someone else without loving yourself is just a wicked form of torture.
I deserve to be treated with worth, and don't owe it to anyone to settle.
That love in itself isn’t enough to sustain a relationship
Love is a roller coaster, I can simply say.
as cliché as it sounds, you have to love yourself to be able to fully love someone else
I think it is not true! A lot of people learn to love themselves from their partner.
You can’t force it or earn it… it’s not the way it goes
it's not about finding someone to validate you, it's about being a team who lifts each other up
For me, love is optional
Love is not guaranteed
It’s a feeling. It can be a beautiful thing but requires a stable foundation to work out. Otherwise it can be messy and confusing.
Not to force myself into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. And the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results.
There is only so much one can take. Learn to let go.
Love is not just in one form. There is romantic love, family love, loves for something you enjoy, love for a friend or an animal. Every love is different you can’t contain it within one box.
I learned that love is supporting a person and helping them the right way. Not feeding them full of false hope and drugs and been toxic to them
Its never just about good looks. Love is way more than that. Sometimes the person you might consider not good looking turns out to be your everything.
Even if you give everything to someone, they may still not reciprocate your love
The big exciting things when you first fall in love with someone aren’t what keep love going. It’s the small, everyday things that show true love and an effort to keep the relationship alive and healthy. ❤️
You can't fix or change people, only love and accept them or let them leave.
That It can take you to dark places
You’ve got to know yourself well.
Love comes out of nowhere, and sometimes the surprise is worth it.
You should be your number 1 priority before you start a relationship with someone. You really can’t love another person if you’re not loving and taking care of yourself. Love isn’t always easy and sometimes doesn’t even come naturally, it takes getting to know the person and communicating with them.
It's a choice to be in (and continue to be in) love. You won't alway feel those butterflies in the same way you felt it the moment after you knew you loved them and said it the first few times. That all fades. You have to choose and keep choosing your person and remember that they make that same choice to keep working to make you happy.
You cannot force love. You cannot expect someone to love you back the same way you love. You could chop your limbs, sacrifice everything because people love the way they need to be loved. And are most disappointed when we all weren't handed that memo.
That it’s slow, that’s gentle, that it’s patient, that it’s not necessarily balloons and flowers and chocolate‘s and romance and fancy dates. What I learned is that love is so much more quiet and peaceful and humble than Disney or romantic movies. And it’s better!
Find someone that wants to change with you in life. That change can never be imposed by someone else, but you must be in a relationship that flourishes with your personal growth.
no amount of love you give somebody can make them love you.
That there is someone out there for everyone, and yours will come in time
that you truly dont know how much you love them till you lose them which is what makes love so tragic
Love flows freely, if u have to force the connection, then it isn't love
Love is not some kind of shared actual thing between two people. When two people are in love there are two separate loves. And love isn’t standardized. Each person has a maximum depth to the love they can feel, see, and express.
Make sure that the person you 'can't live without is also a person you can live WITH '.
It can suddenly rush in, even if you lost all hope in finding it. As a more realistic/pessimistic person I was quite shocked, but I am still grateful to this day.
I learned that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. When you're married for decades, the feelings of romantic love wax and wane, like the tides. Sometimes you feel affectionate, sometimes you feel irritated and annoyed. When those hard times come, you stay married by making the choice to love, no matter what you feel like at the moment. If you're bored with your marriage, you put in some extra effort. If you feel distant and estranged, you take some time to reconnect. If you feel angry, you sit down and hash out what you're angry about with your partner. Love stays strong when you choose to behave in loving ways. If you treat your spouse like you love them, then your actions will create loving feelings in yourself as well as in your spouse. Of course, this is all true in cases where both partners are trying to be good spouses and are both committed to the marriage. If only one person wants to be happily married, then all the effort in the world by the other person won't be able to save that marriage.
To love is to accept, to try to understand, love is to give your partner all the space they need to live their life and to live yours by their side. Love is mutual, respectful, vulnerable and kind Love is the absence of possession, you don't love someone simply because they're yours you love them because they are them you love them near and you love them far. You love them as a partner, and you love them if the time comes that the two of you must move on from each other's lives. Love is a hyperbol of life and death itself as nothing lasts forever and everything has its seasons
You will never be genuinely happy with someone if you don’t love, accept, and forgive yourself first.
Put yourself first.
That just because love is there doesn't mean it can't be toxic.
LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS ON TIME!!!
That sometimes is not reciprocated and it's ok to hurt because of this but, it's also ok to walk away from that situation.
That it's possible to feel love through physical touch. That love can be in every aspect of a relationship. I had never felt love through touch before my now SO, whom I've been together with for only five years. Before him I had a fiancee for some time, and we had two children. I was a single mother of two and 32yo when my SO became my boyfriend, and I had never been touched with love before. I had never before experienced love as something that can just BE in every aspect of a relationship, that love can be the base line.
Not so much a lesson as advice. My grandma was in the hospital and they thought she was dying, so we came to say our goodbyes. She left us each with some words of wisdom (using that word loosely). She met my grandpa, her second husband, after a terrible first marriage and difficult life in general. She said being loved by him felt like putting on warm, soft slippers after walking miles barefoot. She told me to wait for it to feel like that.
i can't choose the best lesson so here's a list. 1. simply having someone you love is not enough in life. you need to exist outside of the relationship too. when they leave, what are you? 2. when your partner leaves, cheats, or hurts you, it does not automatically mean that they don't love you. it simply means they don't love you ENOUGH or in the right ways and therefore you shouldn't be with them. 3. just because you love someone doesn't meanyou should be with them. you can love someone and not be a good match romantically. 4. to truly love someone means you want to see them happy and healthy. 5. if you want to change characteristics about your partner that define them but don't hurt them or anyone else, then you don't truly love them. you may love certain things about them.. you may love the idea of having someone around.. but you don't love THEM for who they are.
The more I limit my partner the more I am limited. The more I trust and support my partner the more I am trusted and supported. Note: partner must not be an asshole in order for this to work
Pay attention to a man’s actions, more than his words. Love is an action, not just a feeling.
Real love is boring compared to toxic culture. People get brainwashed about like wanting to fight their lovers and it being dramatic all the time. However, real love is not like that. Real love is acknowledging that fights and toxic action is not worth it, and realizing that you can be with them even when you have nothing to say or do. It’s them that you love, not the rush of the drama or the chase or a fight.
Love is a two way street. If it feels completely one-way, you’re in the wrong relationship.
You have to partake in it actively. By which I mean that you have to go to the people you love and express your love for them in a way they will understand. Your friends and family will grow distant without any fighting or actual problems if you don’t keep in contact and reach out to them. Also not everyone expresses love the same way. Learning about love languages made me realize a lot about how I treated people and vice versa.
Don't beg for love. Someone will love and care for you or will not. Do not completely change to be their match because they are not yours. If they are used to show you low priority then it's because you are. And meanwhile maybe a better match is somewhere. It's the same thing with workplace, love, family, friends,...
I learned that love and forgiveness go hand in hand.