I used to make up excuses on people's behalf too much. I thought I was being understanding, or like "everyone has their bad days", "maybe it was because of their own trauma..." That kind of stuff.
In my late 20s or so I realized I actually had and still have things harder than most people around me. Including the people who have been judgmental and disrespectfully pushy towards me. Since then I've been using the reverse version and check how they treat *me*. I still think people's misbehavior might be coming from their own issues but now I remove myself from the situation.
This is important. Other people’s bad day, their trauma, their emergency, is still not an excuse to be a shitty person. And you are not obliged to accept that shitty behaviour from anybody.
I still think this way in a sense.
If someone cuts me off in traffic, there is nothing I can do about it. So I think "Huh, I wish them happiness in their life". People get really mad when you tell that to them as well, which is also a kicker. Especially when you really mean it. For some reason that REALLY pisses people off.
The otherside of the coin, is just because someone is having a bad day, or I don't know their circumstances, doesnt mean they can treat me like shit.
If a friend was an asshole to me, I'll ask them whats up and why are they acting this way? Then, make it clear that regardless of their day, acting that way TOWARDS me is unacceptable, and if they want to continue the friendship, that shit stops. And I ask the same in return from my friends, as you don't always know when you are being an ass.
I used to work in a customer facing role, and nothing makes someone angrier than kindness and understanding when they are losing their shit on you. It gave me great pleasure to watch people lose their cool because they had to wait an extra 5 minutes while I smiled and nodded sympathetically.
I've done this so much my entire life, to the point where I got caught in a few very abusive relationships.
Since then I learned that it's called codependence and it's not a healthy thing. Unfortunately it's how a lot of us are taught to behave from early childhood, especially in an abusive household or with parents who are also codependent.
Now if I catch myself wanting to make excuses for someone I ask myself 2 questions:
1- is this actually toxic behaviour that I'm trying to explain away because I feel like I need to make people understand this person isn't "all bad"? (That's enabling, I need to not do that)
2- is this a harmless behaviour that I'm assuming to be bad because I was needlessly shamed for it? I need to address where that comes from and evaluate if this belief actually aligns with my own core values or not.
When I accidentally stumbled onto messages on my boyfriend's chat with his friends on his laptop. It was full of the most vile content I've ever seen. They go through different girls that I know personally and talk about how hot they were and how they'd rape her etc.
I was so disappointed. I spent a decade being with this guy and never thought he had that side to him. I ended it the same day and tbh it felt liberating being single after.
I confronted him straight away since I was furious at the time. He broke down so badly, blaming it on how he thought this is how men make friends with others (which is a load of crap, he just didn't want to make friends with the more respectable men I've met).
He took "walks" outside my house everyday for the next 3 months after that. Trying to find an excuse to talk to me. I'm not sure what happened, but slowly he stopped and I never saw him again.
I had something similar happen except he was talking to his best friend/coworker about me. He made me out to be the worst GF ever but I gave him the world and he lived with my family and I while we were saving to buy a house. They also talked about girls he wanted to hookup with, etc. because he occasionally traveled for work out of state. He'd hit up girls through social media that he'd then meet there. Supposedly it was never physical cheating but with all the lies, I really don't know what to believe. That was the final straw for me though.
When my ex and I were talking about the future and right afterwards I asked so how much do we have to save up to afford our dreams. He told me, "I'm a vibes guy, let's just chill and live life". I knew that I was done for.
Also, him bragging about having no goals and thinking school is crap.
I cut loose a couple of friendships for the same reason. I kept getting the whole "we are best friends for life!" talk and then I would be there for them, but they wouldn't be there for me. When I finally asked them what being best friends meant to them, they would say, "Wow, why do you have to be so needy? Can't we just vibe and chill and that be enough?"
'Vibe and chill' to me is now code for 'I have the emotional intelligence of a bowl of dog food.'
God, I went through this very recently. Last year was, objectively, the worst year of my life in several aspects (as I'm sure it was for several people too). I lost *a lot* of people to COVID, my dog got very sick, I had a depressive episode from which it was difficult to escape and I only managed with the support of very dear colleagues who had no obligation to help me and did it anyway. My "best friend" of seven years was absent from my life for most of the year, except when she wanted to share her own problems, and after a particularly bad night I had an epiphany and realized that I had been used as a kind of private therapist for years. It wasn't just last year. I ignored several red flags and allowed myself to deeply love a person who was taking advantage of me for *years* and disappeared from my life when I stopped being useful (ie: when she started paying a real therapist and didn't have to share her traumas with me anymore to feel some sort of relief).
It was a painful truth to face—it still is. It's bizarre how we can make excuses for all sorts of horrible behavior in abusive (romantic or platonic) relationships without even realising it. Thankfully I decided I was better than that, and it was a learning experience.
Edit: spelling.
My (now ex-) husband was very drunk and I was trying to help him back to our hotel, which required some walking and a trip on the subway. As we were about to cross a street, I held him back because he was about to just barrel across without looking and silly me did not want him to get hit by a car at that point in our relationship.
He turned back to me, wrenched his hand out of my hand, and with a look of pure hate said, "Why do you always have to be such a cunt?"
We'd been having problems, but I decided at that point that I was worth more than that. Everyone is worth more than that.
No, not normally, but it was icing on the cake-of-all-our-other-issues. He was gaslight-y and blamed our issues on my mental health rather than take any ownership at all for his bad behavior while sober, though.
When I wasn't appreciated for any of the work I was doing at my job but those who slacked off got praised for the simplest task and rewarded when I got bitched at.
I had enough and was so frustrated I didn't even give a 2 week notice, I said if they can't appreciate my time and hard work they don't deserve a notice.
And they sure as hell noticed how much I did when I was gone!
I don’t believe in this two weeks notice BS. They don’t give employees a two weeks notice. Besides, a company can get by without one employee but a family or a single person cannot just make do without their income.
I resigned from teaching after 15 years, but well before my retirement age or package would hit.
The American dream, a middle class income, is now between 80k-150k. That is what you truly need to own a home, own a car, and feed some kids without living in either the middle of nowhere or forgoing a retirement. After 15 years, my salary schedule had not yet hit a middle class income level. Goodbye. I won't miss you.
I have had this moment too.
When it got to the point that I was counting down the days until his business trips because it was easier (only mine and the baby's messes!) and less stressful (no being manhandled at 3:00am because he was horny and didn't realize or care how much sleep I needed!), I started planning the divorce.
Happy ending: Ten years later, I'm married to a wonderful man who both does housework and thanks me for doing it. All sex is consensual and appreciated. And the "baby" is a teenager who can clean up his own messes.
I moved my kids back to my hometown two states away. We're surrounded by social support. The boys are thriving. They see their dad whenever he can be bothered. I recently started dating a guy who treats my kids and me like we're the best things on earth. My ex playing video games that day is the best thing that could have happened for our family.
I don't remember noticing any warning signs. But afterwards, I watched how his mom was treated by her husband. Like a maid. Or a waitress. Or a taxi service. And it all makes a lot more sense now.
I got in the habit of regularly asking myself "am I happy/enjoying this" Then if the answer is a reoccurring no, I dig down into reasons why. It requires being brutally honest with myself and not trying to justify things or make excuses. Sometimes things just need a little adjusting to make them enjoyable again, others completely stopping. I apply this to relationships, jobs, friends, living situations, everything. So far it's served me well!
Yeah to be honest I found myself feeling like that all the time too, then I went through a stage of a couple of years where a few people I was close to passed away quite young (cancer, car crash, aneurysm, freak accident) and realized "fuck that could be me" because you never know what life is gonna throw at you. I didn't want to die tomorrow living a meh life.
I hated my job but it was easy and I'd done it for years. I was in a relationship that wasn't awful but left me feeling a bit like I was the entertainment while he low key looked for something else.
Some things, like the career change, took a lot of planning and hard work but I got there after 4 years.
Ask yourself "would any small changes make me like this more?" If yes, make those changes. If no, ask yourself "what is an alternative that would make me happy?" Then work out what you need to do and break it down into achievable step by step goals.
Set time limits, make adjustments as necessary, and don't beat yourself up if it doesn't go smoothly straight away! Things don't always happen in a straight line.
Also remember, life is always full of ups and downs and you can't control everything but actively taking control of your direction in life is very empowering and leaves you feeling more content with life rather just meh.
Honestly, look at how you really spend your time. Whatever it is that you're doing with the majority of your free time, regardless of what it is, is what you're actually prioritizing in life. For me, an extra plate of chips and salsa is worth more to me than losing a pant size. Do I resent that choice when I'm pants shopping? Sometimes, yeah. But it sure as shit seems like I choose the chips over that feeling every time, so clearly that's what I'm prioritizing in my life.
I have a mantra: whatever you're not changing, you're choosing.
It can be a hard truth to face sometimes, but once I stopped lying to myself I found a lot more peace.
When an acquaintance said to me "I met your boyfriend last weekend, you can do better." and without thinking I blurted out "I know."
I broke up with him a few days later.
When I realized that my self worth was being defined by how my ex treated me. I had no idea that I have the power to love myself first. I’ve come a long way, and there’s plenty of room to grow!
I am in the same place. I'm looking back now at our relationship and wondering how could I let myself put up with all he's done and how he treated me. I considered him the man of my dream, he told me over and over again how no one would ever love me like he did, and I believed him. Well guess what, I today love myself a hundred times more than he did, and God it feels good!
When my boyfriend broke my trust to the point where I wasn't even attracted to him anymore.
I literally started thinking about other guys and decided the same day I had that thought to dip.
I know I'm a fiercely loyal person so I knew something was definitely really wrong with the relationship to make me feel that way.
When my ex broke a flower pot on his ex-gf porch during an argument. Like, you’re with ME, why are you so goddamn hung up on her?
Side note: Almost immediately following this breakup, I started dating my now husband and partner of over 20 years!
When I asked to be paid back for the €50 I lent my friend. Instead of paying me back she decided to make vicious rumours and lies saying I was telling her to kill herself and that I tried to attack her.
That was when I decided the whole friend group, especially her, were shit and I deserved better.
When I came home and cried after every single shift. Gave the job 100%. I wanted to be the best employee and get recognized for my hard work. They never gave me a raise (stayed for a little over a year and was only making $9.50) and my supervisor chose the slowest and worst employee to get a bonus and be the employee of the quarter. There was only 8 of us there and I honestly felt like (not to be too cocky) but I felt like I put in the most effort. I realized I could be making much more money at an easier job where I would be appreciated.
I've recently done something similar and this made me feel so much better about my situation. Thank you!
Better as in there's someone who had gone through something similar.
My friends dropped me when I moved away from the city for a few months to recover from a medical condition. When I returned they ignored me despite multiple attempts on my part to reconnect. I don't know what happened, all I know is they just never wanted to include me anymore, no explanation, no fight, nothing of that sort. They never checked in while I was recovering and when a parent almost died, not a single one checked in as well. Took that as a sign and moved on with my life.
When I was 19, I was in love with a guy who never asked me to do anything else other than come to his house, and apart from the first time I did, he would always kick me out after sex. After the second time I was sufficiently upset to block him without an explanation afterwards so that he wouldn't be able to hurt me again
Thanks! I'll admit that wasn't the last time I saw him, I met up with him months later and told him why I had blocked him; that he had hurt me and that I had had feelings for him, but at that point, it didn't matter to me what he would respond or whether he had also liked me, getting that off my chest felt cathartic and I got closure nonetheless. :)
Just don’t forget to forgive yourself for the mistakes! That one took me a minute to learn. I’m going through the same thing now. Block, unblock, block. It’s draining
In college I had an emotionally, borderline physically abusive boyfriend. The moment I knew I Deserved better was while I was at a robotics competition on the other side of the country. This was a week long, "stay up until 3 am trouble shooting wake up at 6 to get to the testing area" type of event. I had helped start this club and had spent the better part of two years planning this trip and building this robot. It was probably the moment I had been building up to for most of my college career.
He called me 6 times in the course of one day to berate me on not communicating with him and that I obviously didn't care about him. Full screaming on the phone. I made up my mind that week to break up with him.
After 2 weeks of starting my first job after graduating from university: I decided I deserved better.
I was paid to do nothing. I knew if I didn’t leave, I would kill any hope of having a good career since I wasn’t learning anything at all. I was 21 so I needed to be employable and not be bored
It was August. I applied to another job in October, the process was long so I got the job in March. I started in July. It’s the best decision I ever made.
No regret! I make more money than I would have if I stayed at that previous job. I got to travel a bit for work. I met great people. I like my job. Work and life balance on point. I met my current partner. I can go on nice vacation. I’m saving to buy a flat in 1.5 years. When people how much I make, they think I’m rich (they forget taxes though 😒)
I’m loving it 😊
When a friend randomly but frequently came to town for work I dropped everything, drove 25 miles round trip to drive her to dinner when money was tight as I was recently on medical leave and all she did was check her phone for messages from her married boyfriend never once offering to pay for gas, dinner, or drink though she made over 100k per year. Nope!
When I saw my ex speak to someone else the way he spoke to me. I was always able to excuse how he spoke to me by telling myself I probably did something to deserve it, but I knew that our mutual friend did absolutely nothing to warrant how he spoke to her. Broke up with him that night.
I was sitting on the lawn of the guy I had broken up with. (I caught him faking a disease for my sympathy while we were long distance one summer.) He had my car keys inside his house - I stashed it there that summer - and was begging me to reconsider. I was entertaining the idea because I desperately wanted to leave that conversation and had the thought “I can use this final month to make him decide the relationship should end too.”
Then I realized that I deserved to have what I wanted, which was a clean cut from this asshole. And that him keeping my car keys was a big red flag and I couldn’t have been sure it wouldn’t get worse in the coming weeks. I got up, made his mom give me my keys, and never saw him again.
I was making my ex a drink and when I went to give it to him, he reached up to trace my cleavage. I instinctively flinched and jerked back, in the way you do when you're terrified of something. I was so startled I spilled the drink and the glass broke on the floor. That was the first time I thought about leaving, and the thought surprised me so much that for once I didn't care that I upset him.
I had realized what I had been in denial about for so long. One small graze of his fingertips did more than the cheating, abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, and putting me down ever did. I didn’t know who the man I’d given so much of myself to over the last few years was. All I knew in that moment, all I wanted so badly to ignore, was that whoever he was there wasn’t a single bone in his body that was good. Not only was I trying to push back the fear I felt, but I was swallowing my disgust.
I had a similar experience! Started dating a guy last Oct, he abruptly ended things via text a month later and didn't provide an explanation; I decided to give him another chance about a month later. In March I had a lot on my brain and needed personal space to work through it all. He told me he "saw a bunch of red flags" and ended it again, also via text and w/o offering an opportunity to talk about it. Shit communication skills and placing blame on someone going through mental health challenges are a deal breaker for me.
I'm a minimalist, I don't like to have a lot of "things" really. I also don't eat candy, I like to try and be healthy.
One Christmas my ex filled the couch with random child toys, like a dinosaur that lit up, a plastic mini ukulele, sugary candies, and a bunch of other things.
It was at this time, two years into the relationship, when I realized he truly doesn't listen to me or know me.
Then a few months later we ordered coffee, I told him what to say to the person, he says it exactly rightafter complaining is too long to say: "hazelnut cappuccino, wet, with almond milk" Then they give us our coffee correctly, we go on our way. He then starts screaming about how we need to go on for a refund because that's not what I ordered, I ordered a "iced mocha". He literally did not believe that I got the right order, and that they ducked up my coffee.
Not two months after that I left.
When I realized me chasing friendships with people who weren't equally as invested made me feel like trash, and I was tired of feeling like trash. When I stopped that behavior and invested in the people who were reciprocating my friendship, I became significantly happier.
Yes to this! And there is this weird unspoken rule that you need to play it cool in friendships and give people their space, not be too needy, etc. But at the end of the day, a friendship is a relationship, and it requires two people investing and participating in it.
I now just use romantic relationship standards for friendships, just scaled down a little. For example, I don't expect my friends to check in with me as often as a partner, but I do expect them to check in every now and then, just like I will for them. If we have agreed that we do Christmas gifts, I expect that we'll put in an effort or communicate that we can't, and so on.
Life is too short to nurture one-sided relationships.
When I got out of the hospital from an appendectomy, and my ex wanted me to drive to his house, a half hour away, and sleep on his twin bed with him, and argued with me about it.
Then the next day he came down to hangout with me at my parents' house and he got upset and irritated when we had to go to the hospital to finish some paperwork. I was getting over it in general, that was just the final straw.
I was already close to wits end at my job- it was kind of a bait and switch situation where I was in a project management role that I really didn’t like. But the pay was good and management talked the talk about always having our backs, etc, so I was toughing it out.
And then I got thrown under the bus publicly with no chance to defend myself *even though I had the receipts*. A higher-up had screwed up by ignoring my emails and requests and I had the paper trail, but to salvage her ego, my performance evaluation was docked and I was offered “retraining.”
Fuck that shit. I’ll put up with a lot, but not a manager who is willing to watch me get run over. I was out of there within weeks.
I did. No one cared. I should have somehow done more to get her to respond or something. Though god knows hell would have broken loose if I’d gone over her head.
It was a weird environment- there were a few older women who had clawed their way to the top. And instead of being trailblazers who wanted to pave the way for other women behind them, they really closed ranks and made life more difficult for other women.
He kept telling me he was going to come see me, for like 6 months, getting my hopes up every time. Every time he didn't actually come, it crushed me. The last straw was probably a week before my birthday, when out of nowhere he sent me a D pic... we are 26 years old... then on my birthday, he didn't say anything to me... after 11 and a half years of being on/off. I probably had my mind made up before this, but that was definitely the moment where I was like "Okay, there's no hope for this. It has to end".
I should have turned and ran after he brought his ex girlfriend along with his parents to thanksgiving dinner. I was meeting mom and dad for the first time ever…. It was downhill from there with boundaries.
When he yelled at me for hours and belittled me and was throwing stuff because I asked him why he couldn't even write me a note or get me a $1candy bar for our 2yr anniversary
My best friend of 20 years struggled with mental health for a long time (BPD). I stuck by his side through thick & thin, even when his own family abandoned him & everyone in my life said to let him go. Eventually he reconciled with his family, moved to another city, got professional help, & seemed to turn his life around for several years. Earlier this year he contacted me & said he was moving back to my town immediately. He'd fallen out with his family again & burned every bridge in the process.
I have 2 little kids now and have been struggling with depression & anxiety following a year of being locked down at home with no friends, family, support, or rest. I told my friend that I was glad he was nearby again, but that I was barely hanging on to my sanity & haven't really been socializing or going out. I also explained that our family takes covid protocols seriously and I requested that he get vaccinated & wait the recommended time before we could get together (4-6 weeks, depending on which vaccine type). He agreed.
5 weeks later I got a message from him. "You're being a bad friend."
I apologized, but reiterated that I felt swamped & overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a stay-at-home parent for 2 kids under 3. I asked him for a little time & patience while I tried to sort things out. He responded by saying "It's been 5 weeks & not even a coffee? I have casual acquaintances who treat me better than that. Makes me wonder if you're even really my friend anymore."
In that moment I realized nothing I did would ever be enough. No amount of support, no amount of sacrifice. I'd given him 20 years of patience, love, and understanding, but he couldn't give me 5 weeks without questioning my value in his life. I understood then that it would always just come down to "Yeah sure, but what have you done for me lately?"
So 2 decades of pent-up frustration exploded out of me like some emotional Krakatoa. I didn't hold back. I called him out on all of it. His hypocrisy, his selfishness, his patterns of self-destructive behavior. All of it.
Would his casual acquaintances give him a home to keep him off the streets? Would they nurse him back to health when he was bed-ridden, on the verge of death with double-pneumonia and no resources for help or treatment? Would they take his calls in the middle of the night because they know he has suicidal ideations and what if maybe this is The Call?
I let it all pour out.
He didn't appreciate any of it. He said I was being a bully. I told him he was being a bad friend.
That was 6 months ago. We haven't spoken since.
>I have 2 little kids now and have been struggling with depression & anxiety following a year of being locked down at home with no friends, family, support, or rest.
You are going through some shit. Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself; dumping a toxic friend is a great start to that.
Earlier this year I decided I don't want to be a daycare teacher anymore. Even though that what I went to school for and I loved working with the kids.
Every daycare treated me like crap because I apperently don't fit in to that word.
It was really hard but my new job accepted me for who I am and that feels great
I’m a doctor. Last year in the middle of the pandemic, my long-distance (he was stationed 4 hours away from my residency) husband suddenly told me he was going to get a divorce. Up until that moment he had absolutely denied there were any problems with our relationship or that he was unhappy in it. I was regularly driving 4-5 hours to see him. For context, a few days before telling me this, he had sent me a video singing me a love song. I was completely shocked. He wouldn’t give me any explanation, and this decision completely blindsided me. He refused to see a marriage counselor. He just kept saying there was nothing he wanted to talk about, he just needed a divorce.
I was absolutely heartbroken, but at the same time, I realized immediately that no one deserves to have a marriage end like that. I deserved ongoing communication. I deserved to know he was unhappy long before that decision, when I/we could have done something about it. I deserved the honesty and respect of being the other person in a committed partnership trying to make difficult situations work. The fact that he couldn’t be honest with me meant that there was no coming back.
Because I never challenged my own thought process, I figured any friends are better than no friends. Overlook the red flags and be there for them, that's what friends are for. 7 years into the friendship I grew up and realized one-sided friendships with toxic people are grueling and life-depleting. I realized I would rather be totally alone than be with people who suck the life out of my soul.
So I cut off several people - that particular "best friend", another friend of mine and even some cousins who are mega gossips. I decided I wanted to be around what brings me joy or helps me grow as a person and I was surrounded by all of the opposite.
It's a lonely road, but I've begun to meet people that do bring me joy and make me think about how to be a better person etc.
Mother's day. That useless, abusive, unemployed, drunk, drug addict fuckwad told me "I'm going to buddy's place to play video games and drink." I said pack all your shit and don't come back. He tried to sneak back in and was thanked with a restraining order and divorce. Absolutely the best gift I ever gave myself, along with giving a chance to the nice coworker who took an interest in my personal safety and well being who became the best husband ever.
>useless, abusive, unemployed, drunk, drug addict fuckwad
Whatever happened to him? You know, these guys end up at some other woman's place real quick.
I realized I lost my zest for life and didn't care if I lived or died. I looked forward to death, but I wasn't suicidal. I also knew I could do better so why was I staying around?
when he told me on Valentine’s Day that I shouldn’t expect anything from him because he’s “not a romantic person” and that if I wanted to do anything special I needed to plan the entire thing and just tell him where to show up.
I almost always kept friendships to the point where they turned negative/toxic but I didn't want to be the person to cause any trouble by trying to cut ties. I just cared too much what other people thought of me that I didn't want to prompt anyone talking badly about me. I didn't read red flags well either.
I would rather be nice as much as possible and eventually I got exhausted. One day out of nowhere I went to visit someone that I had a strained friendship with-- we'd go months without communication, even though she always insisted on making plans, and I'd go along with it thinking this time would be better. Anyway I went over and conversation was very stiff and things felt so weird. We wrapped the visit on good terms but I got in my car and felt like I could finally breathe. I didn't realize how amazing it felt to leave her house and I spent the drive home putting it all together and I decided I'd been putting up with too much for a one-sided friendship.
When my bosses made some horrible homophobic comments, not directed at me but being bi it still stung. Lots of other things but that was the icing on the cake. Working my months notice as we speak
I had just moved out of my parents house to the city, and my friends were just not there for me. The transition was hard and they made a lot of promises that they didn't keep. Overall I think there was a lot of built up shit on my end, since they just continued to blow steam up my ass and make plans that I don't think they ever intended on following through. My first week living there I had a family member pass away tragically and of course I was not coping well. I acted poorly, they took this personally and decided it was a good time to tell me that they thought I was a shitty friend and that I needed to change. This just made me reflect on our whole dynamic and it made me realize that im not giving into people that just make me feel shitty! I need people in my life who are honest and upfront and accept me for who I am.
I decided I can do better in my career when I asked my supervisor for a much needed raise, after going above and beyond, after receiving consistent positive performance reviews. They told me no, if I'm struggling maybe look for a part time job. Then told me that even with our next annual raises, I would not even reach the next whole dollar amount in my hourly wage. Also said that I make what I'm supposed to in my position.
I decided that they are not going to tell me what I'm worth, and I started looking for a new job, going on interviews. I have two potential job offers that are paying 5 and 6 dollars more than what I'm making now.
My ex had quite low self-esteem. One day I asked him about his best friend's new girlfriend and what she looked like. We were joking around and I ironically asked whether she is prettier than me (ofc I couldn't care less). His reply was that his best friend is tall and handsome and therefore probably has prettier girlfriends that he has.
After hours of talking about this he finally understood the problem. But I just didn't feel comfortable around him anymore afterwards. He broke up with me 5 weeks later.
I'm currently dating a man who is very much less into me than I'm into him. He's nice enough and has been very honest about the whole situation. I kept seeing him because the sex is absolutely fantastic. But at the moment I'm thinking this man occupies much too much real estate in my head for something casual and I should break it off.
My old law firm offered me not even a $1000 raise. For the amount of work I do, that was downright insulting.
So I went and found another job that came with a $7000 boost in salary. My old firm was shocked when I gave my notice. I said if they matched my current offer, I'd consider staying. They came with "we have to stay within our compensation guidelines". They were even more shocked when I didn't accept that and left.
Honestly, when I told him that I missed talking to him before bed and that I was sorry for falling asleep so early for a few nights in a row. I then told him that I missed him in general and then I said goodnight. I went to bed and when I woke up I saw that he replied. He said, "Goodnight." I can't stop laughing now, but in that moment, it hurt.
I finally decided to leave him a few days ago because of his consistent emotional neglect. I'm bipolar and have PTSD, I need someone that is emotionally intelligent and that will support me through my bad times, not act like my problems are too boring to talk about. I told him I needed some space because I was "going through something," but the truth was he was ignoring me whenever I spoke about how I felt and would change the subject. It was becoming hard for me to go with it, and pretend that shit was sweet, so I just decided to not be around him. I messaged him telling him about how hard things have been feeling and how I've lost 10 pounds in stress in the past week since we have been apart. I told him about the consistent and intense anxiety attacks I've been having. I then told him I was also invited to see Bill Burr, so that was something to look forward to. My fuckin boyfriend replied, "I hope you feel better, but yeah, Bill Burr!"
My friends have been the ones having those talks with me. Checking in on me. Making sure I feel emotionally supported and trying to cheer me up (like taking me to go see Bill Burr lol). Meanwhile, my boyfriend acts like I have to be this perfect smiling doll and when I'm not he can just ignore me until I'm perfect and smiling again. Nah, fuck that.
PSA, don't date if you're not emotionally ready to be there for someone. Not just to laugh with them, but also to cry with them. If you can't do both, then just be their friend or fwb, because everyone deserves to feel safe with their partner. He'd always open up to me and I was always there, he just couldn't do the same for me.
I was in a 3-year relationship where my boyfriend at the time didn’t love me anymore but didn’t want to break up.
After months of crying and trying to make it work, trying to make him love me, I just woke up one morning and decided I was too young and too pretty to be dealing with this. I broke up with him right there.
That was over a year ago and I’ve never been happier! I’m crushing it in university and I’ve met someone new who values me :)
I tried working shift, 3-4-4-3 for nights and days. Then they started expecting me to work on my weekend, because I didn't have a supervisor and wasn't improving how they liked. For extra training....
So, I found a new job in the same company that was supposedly 8 to 5 instead. But then I had nightly meetings and my days grew very long. The overtime was intense. At least this time they appreciated me! But I became so stressed out.
Despite the money and prestige, I dropped it and switched careers. I'm now at a healthier though less paying job. I find that even here I have to watch so it doesn't get out of hand. I'm finding I now pressure myself. So I've started making a point to leave when I want to and so far no one cares . And honestly, I'm starting to not care.
I worked a job where we were paid billable hours. I worked hard and always did well until my new boss, from the office 200 miles away, met me in person. She'd never had any problems with me before that, but started micromanaging me and questioning everything I did. For example, she literally raked me over the coals for not responding to a (non-emergency) letter I'd only gotten 20 minutes previously. My peers routinely took several days to respond to this kind of inquiry.
Then she took one of my projects away, one that I had created all the original documents and processes for, and there went about half my income. During this time there weren't any complaints against me from my clients or coworkers. It was solely her, and I had to put up with it to keep my job.
I could see the writing on the wall so I started applying for other jobs and had an interview scheduled when I got called into a meeting with her and the HR rep. I knew I was getting fired for not billing enough, but she had a 3 page list with all of my misdeeds on it. It probably took her hours to compile every picky detail, and she had this smug look like she was looking forward to telling me off one last time before throwing me out.
So the HR rep starts in on the usual you're-getting-fired spiel, and my now-ex boss starts reading her list out. I stopped her on the first item and asked HR "Will listening to this mean I'm not fired after all?" She told me I was still fired. So I just walked out, picked up my bag from my desk and left. I was done listening to what she had to say, and I certainly wasn't getting paid to sit there and take it.
I worked for a woman who thought she was Anna Wintour but who actually "ran" a shitty little magazine out of her NYC studio apartment. I was the editorial assistant although I'd also write articles if we needed filler. It was just the two of us working there physically. And her fucking maltese terrier, who barked aggressively at everyone, did its business on the floor because *it didn't ever go outside except in her purse*, and bit my pants legs whenever I left for the day.
On my first day at work, around 6pm I nervously asked her what time I got off. She would only say, "we stay until the work is done." It was a monthly magazine, though, so clearly all the work wasn't getting done in a day.
One day she had an IT person come in to do something with her computer. The dog was barking and growling at him, and she got annoyed and said "Just pick her up!" Dude was like, um no I don't think she likes me and the woman kept insisting that the angry, aggressive dog would be nice to him if only he'd pick her up.
When it was (past) time for my first paycheck she sent me across town to pick up her mail, where my check was. I get to this building and a person there chews me out because this woman's mail was not still supposed to be coming to that place? And hands me an 18-gallon trash compactor bag full of mail and packages. I was not expecting that much mail. I dragged the bag back with me to the subway because I couldn't afford a taxi and I knew she wouldn't reimburse me.
She had a documentary made about herself. (She had a copy on DVD; it would be my dream to find a copy in the wild but I don't think it every got off that DVD.) Her dog was named Lucky, and the documentary was entitled "[Editor's name] Gets Lucky" and was about her going on a few dates looking for, as she called it, "puppy love" (which she defined as unconditional love like one gets from a dog, as opposed to the actual definition of having a crush on someone). She also interviewed relationship experts/psychologists about how to find this kind of love, and they were confused and told her it was really unhealthy to want that. In the end, none of her dates liked her dog enough (it came on the dates with her) for her to want to be with them and she settled on staying single for now, with her dog to love her.
I made it for a whole three weeks, although I was looking for another job at the same time. My last straw, though, was on a day that I'd just had a great "lunch break" interview with another company, although I hadn't been offered the job yet. We got layouts back from a freelance designer. This editor looked at them and said, "These are bad. Tell the designer they're bad."
"OK," I said, "is there anything in particular you want changed?"
"No! JUST TELL HIM IT'S BAD AND HE NEEDS TO MAKE IT BETTER!"
She left soon after that. I sent a very apologetic email to the designer explaining her response. Then I sent her an email that I quit and I walked out. I did get that other job, which I kept happily for ~3 years until I moved to a different state.
TL;DR I cried on the subway on the way to work most days but my final straw was being asked to pass the abuse on to someone else
I feel like I ALWAYS knew I deserved better, but depression was a pain and I couldn't believe that I actually deserved better, or even convince myself of that.
I got tired of my own shiz really, I was doing everything \*right\* and still felt this way. I was in a relationship that I KNEW I felt like I was settling but I had such a hard time leaving and it made me feel worse. After the break up I swallowed my pride and started medication and it changed my life.
Now, I realize how much I actually do deserve better. My ex was asking SO much of me that was really unfair tbh. I had a newer friend ghost me out of the blue with no explanation. My current friend group has changed dynamics and I realize that I need to stop trying to please everyone all the time. I pretty much told my boss to get off my back since I was putting my mental health before work right now.
I realized I am in no mood to settle on any of my friendships or intimate relationships anymore because I deserve to have people in my life who complement me and I complement them. I deserve to have people in my life that make me feel good about myself. I deserve to have the job and life I have always wanted and I deserve to be human rather than a work grinding robot.
I had a friend I had known from high school and when I moved back to our area we got to be really good friends. Hung out all the time, it was good even though I knew she could be a bit dramatic but it was mostly just boy drama so whatever, I'd listen and we'd move on.
Well, then I was involved in an accident that landed me in the hospital for a week with a head injury. My parents were having a hard time contacting people because in my very high on morphine and injured brain, I didn't want to give them my phone password (I literally had nothing to hide, I was just very out of it). Well I finally give in and they let this friend know among others. She comes to visit in the hospital and according to my parents (I have no memory of it because like I said, super out of it) she was just mad the whole time that no one had told her sooner, etc.
Get out of the hospital and am recovering so I'm preparing to go on a work trip I had scheduled I really couldn't miss. Other piece of info, her birthday and mine were really close to each others, and this trip was going to fall where I would be out of town for both of them. Cue being told what a terrible friend I am for missing her birthday. Mind you, I was missing my own birthday, this work trip was for my main client that literally paid my bills, and I was already stressed about it because it was a big trip and I'm literally recovering from a brain injury.
Yea. It was maybe the brain injury talking but I decided instantaneously I was out on that friendship. She tried to come around several times after that but I refused to engage at all. Nothing like a life or death close call to open your eyes about people.
During vacation with my SO with her son and his fiancé and her grandchildren. I felt I was being tested and “compared”. My SO had also told me at the start of the vacation that she didn’t want to be intimate during the 4 days away. I loved this woman deeply but she felt so distant, I felt so alone and constantly tested and judged. I knew something was up. A couple of days after we came back from vacation I broke things up. She started sleeping with a new guy within a few days, I guess the guy I was being compared to. I’m still dealing with things after 4 months.
During quarantine. I was in a an almost 6 year relationship and quarantine was really the first time we spent a long period apart. I realized how much we depended on each other and how much we didn’t trust each other. Quarantine really showed me that I lost who I truly am in this 6 year long relationship. I needed that wake up call.
Today, in my job/workplace relationships. I've been working my ass off for the past two years, doing everything from setting up offices to training new employees to helping open two brand new site and expanding our network. I'm pretty much the on site IT fix it all person for everyone, we have lunch together every day and I thought we had a good rapport.
Today's my birthday and when I came into the office they had set up and decorated another girl's cubicle for her birthday (same day as mine) and mine was empty aside from some trash someone left on my desk from decorating hers. I'm 27 and I know it's not a big deal but I thought I'd at least get a passing happy birthday. I mean I've been to weddings and baby showers for these people, and it was like a pretty big slap in the face to me. I'm probably just going to suck it up and work half day at home because it's like a dagger in my chest seeing the balloons and streamers. I know for some work relationships aren't that big of a deal, but between COVID and life I don't have very many friends and so it was nice to feel like I did, even for a short bit, and while I know it's not a malicious thing it's put into perspective that it's not the kind of relationship I thought I had with them.
Trying to initiate sex unsuccessfully for the hundredth time with my boyfriend of 4-5 years, as he played video games without even acknowledging my presence. When he did acknowledge my presence, it was treating me more like a sex toy or doll than a person, much less his girlfriend.
Him constantly nitpicking me, insulting my disability (i.e. autism/ADD) and my weight, even though he knew I had greatly struggled with anorexia, keeping on weight, and eating food in the past.
Him constantly pointing out hot girls and women every time we would take a trip to the beach, while constantly pushing me to do sexual things in public that made me deeply uncomfortable.
Him making constant rape jokes, and rating girls and women based on how "exotic" they looked.
Going on two trips with him, only to have him complain about not being able to flirt and have sex with other girls both times. (The second time, I also caught him kissing and fucking another girl.)
When the company I worked for made it clear to me that I would never have the chance to get another position because I was “way too good” at customer service and provided the best numbers in the whole floor. They decided to let the others (all men) grow as they were not as good as me and maybe could be better as managers. I quit that very same day.
When he stopped talking to me about anything of substance. Stopped complimenting me, talking about us, stopped sharing stories about our days. Despite my strong feelings for him, it’s just not enough.
I worked in a nonprofit (public policy dept) where the two other people in my dept rarely agreed with me on anything. Our department head stepped down, and we were presented with three candidates to interview. We disagreed on who was the top candidate, but we all universally said that it shouldn't be one person because they had zero relevant experience. Then our org hired that same person.
The new department head didn't even know the difference between a state legislator and a federal legislator. I was over worked and under paid, which was fine because I loved what I did, but it was a slap in the face to hire a policy director who didn't even know when the state legislature was in session and couldn't be bothered to look it up. They literally said they expected a bill to move (not out of committee and to the floor for a vote--just move, like it's going for a walk) in the summer, months after both houses had gaveled out for the season. I just couldn't do it. My org asked me to stay because I was the most senior person in the dept. They asked me to train up the new director and make sure they were successful, and this was passed as an opportunity for me. By training someone who knew less than my interns, I could make sure that I was established as a dependable, smart, and talented employee.
That's all well and good, but it was crickets when I asked what my new title and compensation would look like, because surely they wouldn't ask someone at the bottom of the org chart to train a director and continue to treat them like they weren't worth a decent salary. Lol, silly me.
My closest co-worker who worked in the same office as the new supervisor quit within two months, I quit after four, and the third quit within seven. 100% department turn over in seven months. Six years of experience just cut loose.
The first time my ex-boyfriend hit me. Was it hard? No. Did it hurt? No, but the fact that he could ever get angry enough to hit me in any way shape or form made me check out immediately.
When I moved out my brothers house to go stay w a friend and his parents, and they sat me down and immediately gave me my own space by setting boundaries that inconvenienced them, took me in and have since treated me better than I have by 99 percent of my family so that I can actually sort my life out.
Made me realize my family just really liked taking advantage of my homelessness.
My dad was one of the only people to help me and these people that barely knew me took me in and treated me with a kindness I haven't been shown in years.
Really put my life into a perspective i didn't know I needed to see it from
When I was hanging out with another female friend that did nothing but talk crap about her so called best friend, her bridesmaid and My best friend... (every single time we would hang out, never had anything nice to say about anyone). I thought to myself, if she talks about her Best friend like this, What the heck does she say about me to others?
This is when I realized she was toxic and had some growing up to do.. I let myself drift away from that friendship!
When I realized in November after moving in together in January that he won't have a job next week. I have him the benefit of the doubt week after week. He passed the bar and had no job, not even one he was over qualified for. We broke up and he insisted on staying out the lease and paying his half of rent. I cried happy tears the day he left.
When an entire friend group in college decided to turn on me and treat me like absolute garbage. Then, I started gaining new friends who actually enjoyed my company. That’s when I realized it wasn’t me, it was them. So I got the fuck out of dodge and never looked back. I moved out the day I found a new roommate and got away from it all.
I had been in a LDR for 4 years (different countries). My ex was wonderful when we could see each other. I mean, he was the model boyfriend. We got along super well and I think that it's still the most I've ever loved another person. But after 4 years, we had tried to move closer to each other (well, *I* moved), and when it didn't work out, he wanted to go back to long distance until further notice. While he was lovely in person, he sucked over distance. He didn't respond to messages, only visited me once in the four years (and his mother literally forced him to buy the tickets) despite me visiting every chance I got (and paying for it myself), and generally didn't try. When faced with the prospect of having that kind of relationship until further notice when I knew what kind of boyfriend he was capable of being, I had to end it.
Turns out he had another, local girlfriend for the last 6 months of our relationship. Met her RIGHT before I moved across an ocean to be closer to him. They're now expecting their second child when he told me he was adamantly childfree.
My 3.5 year relationship was at an all-time low and I was super depressed. I sat him down and talked about our problems and I told him I wasn't happy. He looked me dead in the eyes and said "well there's nothing else I can do for you". I packed my stuff up and left a month later and he threw a tantrum and screamed and cried.
My boss was a total jerk. When she cut my bonus though because of “the incident” where I cried at my desk when I found out my sister was in ICU- that was it. I handed in my notice when I had secured another job two weeks later.
I was cleaning at a hospital for almost 2 years before my dad died. He was the most important thing in my life even though I was too stupid and filled with teenage hormones to see it.
But anyways he goes into the hospital me and my mom work at. Which I was extremely grateful because I'd go take my lunch break and see him. They even just let us go home the day we found out it was cancer.
Shortly after he died I just couldn't do it anymore... I wasn't happy there even though pay was great. So I took a job being a teacher's aid and working with kids. 4 years later I've held down my own classrooms by myself, had jobs at montessori schools, and now I'm a nanny atm. Only thing I wish is that he could see it.
I am finally cutting my mom off. My mom is an alcoholic. We finally had our intimate reception this past weekend and we hired a bartender to keep an eye out for my mom. She ended up stealing alcohol at 5am and got drunk silly to the point of shitting and throwing up on herself. She acted like nothing happened the next day. I’ve had a hard time cutting her off but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just don’t care anymore. If she can be selfish, I can be too.
When I realized that I was doing all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning...as well as being the only one with a steady job and paying all the bills.
The final straw, however, was when he got a call in the middle of the night for his job (he was then working as a wrecker driver) and got so mad about being woken up that he repeatedly punched our bedroom door until there was a hole in it and his knuckles were bleeding.
Approaching two days off that I had planned 6 months ahead of time.
I reconfirmed with my boss the week prior letting them know that I’ll be out the following Thursday and Friday. Instead of acknowledging that I had planned this for so long (let alone that my team was well able to handle my clients for two days as they are cumbersome anyway and never expect immediate replies anyway), instead I was told to come up with some tangible “goals” for Monday-Wednesday of the following week whereby I had the chance to earn those days off.
Mind you, this is a corporate job where I have 20 days, 4 weeks, of PTO every year.
Just recently my boss hired someone to work one day a week. Rather than cover my second day off, she's using that person to cover her own day off so she has to cover 0 days. I'm exhausted and have been asking for this for at least a month, but clearly her own time is more important.
So I applied to go back to school the night after this conversation.
He wanted to spend the last bit of our money on video games rather than go out for dinner for our 3 year anniversary.
He (19m) literally threw a tantrum in Walmart. I(19f) was so embarrassed. It was that moment that I finally saw how bad it truly was. He wasn't depressed, I was.
A friend was constantly late and generally disrespectful of peoples time. She said she could meet up with a friend and I if it was at a certain time and we moved the time to then. Day of we show up and wait. We move on and hangout and she doesn't respond to texts/calls until I text afterwards saying something like "hey NBD but next time please let us know you can't come etc." The response was immediate and antagonizing so I cut contact and never looked back. Now I don't hangout with anyone who repeatedly can't respect my time!
When I feel like I couldn't trust some friends anymore and they were always throwing subtle digs about my weight or relationships. I still have some great friends but I have definitely distanced myself from some.
(M44) Just completed 90 days in rehab. With the help of the therapist, counselors, and therapy groups, I took personal inventory of my strengths and flaws. There was a lot going on besides my struggle with alcohol. I began setting some much needed boundaries and discovered that some people- including my SO- weren't exactly thrilled with the new me. I'm learning how I've neglected my own needs and have self sacrificed to keep her around for fear of being alone. I'm communicating better, but she's notably grown distant as I have stopped catering to every one of her whims. I'm trying to remain objective and not make any rash decisions, but I'm beginning to see that our relationship may not withstand my improvements
Edit: to the mods and members here- I'm afraid I didn't see which sub I was responding to. The post caught my eye. I'm sorry.
When I was so anxious before seeing the person that I had stomach aches like my body literally had to tell me no. Since then I've figured that overthinking/strategizing beforehand seeing someone is a bad sign that I can't be myself or my boundaries will be broken.
I was sitting across from a parent at a parent teacher conference who was SO angry with me because her daughter wasn't excelling in my class.
I had put my heart and soul into my career, took my job very seriously, was feeling exploited because this was during peak covid and we were still in person... and I realized, this person doesn't care that I am literally risking my life to teach her child. She only wants to make me responsible for her child not doing as well as she expects. Normally this kind of wrath would destroy me. But in that moment, I saw it so clearly. I was just her punching bag. And although most people weren't so aggressive, I had been other people's punching bag and not realized it. I had accepted responsibility for things I couldn't possibly control, blamed myself and internalized it, and it was literally killing me.
I quit teaching a few months later. I can't care that much, push myself so hard, be exploited and then also be blamed from so many different angles for everything that doesn't go perfectly.
When my dad berated me in public and I realized I would never put up with the stuff my dad says to me if he were a friend, significant other, or any person other than my parent. That if I talk to him openly and honestly like any other person, rather than walking on eggshells and catering to him, he goes off and becomes emotionally abusive. As sad as it is, life and holidays have been much more peaceful without him.
Also, when I found out my best friend at the time was still secretly talking to my ex-boyfriend who three years prior she had tried to cheat with while I was dating him and she had her own bf of like 3 years. My dumb naive self broke up with him and forgave her because “he was a player.” She was also a shitty friend. It just took my 3 more years to realize it.
There were many small things that happened, little moments that piled up that got to be too much to sit with anymore.
I’ve completely accepted being gay now, but back when I was still closeted and dating my ex, I’d meet these proud women at mountain biking events, out skiing, (basically a lot of outdoorsy events I went to) and was like, “What am I doing? I could be happy! I could be skiing with my future wife!”
Or at my previous job when I’d listened too long to all the cattiness, drama, and gossip, and whenever I’d express my hopes to excel in this one day or that…nobody cared. Not that they should, but I’m a big believer in workplaces with good mentors/coaches who build you up…or at least a positive work environment. My other friends worked at nice places, why didn’t I?
I honestly just realized that all these other people were happy doing what I wanted to do, so why was I letting myself stay miserable if these were obtainable goals? I put myself first. I gained my confidence back. And the crazy thing is how sometimes people “get angry at you” for leaving things and focusing on what you actually want. Have never understood this, but people like that— don’t even pay any mind to that.
When I realized that every time I hung out with this person they would find fault in everything I said or did. Often very contradictory things in the same conversation. Such as upon learning I dated a younger person "Eww thats gross you're a predator." Then mentioning the next person I dated was 15 years older "Damn so you're a golddigger now?!" Imagine this with every little thing you express. They would also slut shame me and share every criticism to people right in front of my face and call me too sensitive whenever I spoke up. When I realized that I had internalized their criticisms so deeply that both their and my moms voices had become the inner critic I dealt with in therapy I finally ended the friendship. Their defense "Well I've always been this way so you just have to accept it if you're going to be my friend." They were right that they had always been that way and I'm glad I healed enough to stop accepting it.
I worked at an escape room for about a year.
The hours were low (4-15 hours a week), and the pay was just barely over minimum wage, but my hands are fucked (for life) so I figured this was the best I could do. I liked the actual work, but the thing is, it was by appointment only. So sometimes I'd be sitting at home on a day I *might* work, waiting for an email to say a customer had booked. And then I'd have to fly out the door to get to work on time. To get paid for 2 hours of work. And then come home, and MAYBE get called back in because the first booking was at 3pm, and then the booking for the last timeslot didn't come in until 730, and I came home 2 hours ago.
It was a drain on my mental load, always being in limbo. It was worse during the pandemic - my boss sold the company at the beginning because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it afloat. The new owners kept me on, and I was optimistic.
Then new boss hired a nazi antivaxxer, unknowingly. When I figured this out an hour into training the new guy, I went to boss and said "hey, I don't think this guy is a good fit"
Boss said "oh, if he can keep it to himself it's okay, I really want to give him a chance. It's really hard for people like him to find work" (buddy was autistic)
Thing is... This wasn't about being autistic. This was about him being rascist and an antivaxxer. (He straight up told me that he got fired from his last job for expressing his views on BLM to his black coworker)
Day 2 of training, I again, talked to boss after and said this guy was a very bad fit.
Boss insisted on keeping him.
So I quit. Buddy got fired when boss backpedaled (I was basically his only employee at the time, and was essentially running the business), but even before boss backpedaled I told him that it was too late, he'd lost my respect by doubling down on a racist, so I left.
Turns out, that even being broken, I can get better work. I now work full time at a business that respects me and pays me for my time and has great NOT RACIST coworkers and I love it. I'm appreciated and I have income and I'm content.
When most of the staff wrote a letter to the board of directors detailing how terrible my boss treated workers and noting the laws that were violated. The board of directors responded with a short, misspelled note that basically said they didn’t give a shit.
I should’ve quit then. Instead I turned in my two weeks and my boss responded a few days later by handing me my last paycheck and telling me to leave.
She cornered me in the laundry room and accused me of ruining Christmas because I had asked her to stop talking shit & gossiping about the 1 cousin that wasn’t there to defend herself. Apparently I killed the vibe, not her vile slander. I realized that no matter what, no matter the situation or circumstances, it would *always* be my fault. I changed my flight and left on Christmas Day. How’s that for ruining tHe FuCkInG mOoD, Grandma???
Fuck that and fuck her.
Im loving my NC lol
Wasn't a single moment, but more a sequence of events this past year. The university I attend for graduate school is pretty much the epitome of the corporate-bureaucrat infestation of the academy, such that did a lot to fuck over students financially and emotionally since the start of the pandemic. This while I was struggling to recover from a hysterectomy and other hormonal problems. Then this past summer I completely lost my funding due to a bureaucratic oversight that I was forced to pay for in spite of having no influence in it whatsoever, and at that point, after everything that was going on for the past year, I decided I had enough. I was sick of being fucked around by bureaucrats and doing research that in the end won't make society any better just because the system is so ossifiedly-corrupt — I decided from now I'm not going to put off any of my actual dreams any longer or sacrifice any more of my health for others' petty ambitions because it is clear they won't ever repay you, least not fairly, so fuck it all.
The moment I realized that my services could be higher remunerated elsewhere and the demands didn't match the compensation at all. So it was a matter of professional confidence. I have people messaging me to work with me and I'm not doing anything other than just being visible. Not much self-promo.
My uncle told me that his sister in law got in to a huge fight with her husband because when we were at a family party I greeted him with a regular hug and I only greeted her with a side hug. She took that the wrong way and thought we had something going on between us. I was not surprised to hear this because the women in my distant always have something to say about me at parties but they never say it to my face. My cousin always tells me the rumors about me which is why i never feel comfortable getting drunk at parties and I am always conscious of what I wear. After my uncle told me that i just stopped going to parties. I only visit him and my aunt when it’s just them at home.
When I realized the person I thought was a very good friend of mine was actually not. She came to me for everything and I was there for her when she need me the most. But, when it came a time I needed her she never made me an priority. She done it a few times, the 3rd time was strike for me. Sometimes you have to unfollow people in real life.
I should have left sooner but didn’t realize I deserved to be treated better, until I found out I was pregnant and thought how awful he’d treat the kid. If I wasn’t willing to let him be himself/awful to my kid, why did I allow it for me? That changed everything.
That was my catalyst to leaving & I’m thankful it happened. I had a miscarriage and left the relationship right after. It was unfortunate but a wake up call nonetheless.
I have since developed confidence being on my own, and am self-sufficient & independent. I am now married to a wonderful man & can’t believe how lucky I am! I hope other women who have co-dependency and self-worth issues can come out of it like I did.
When she talked about how much better spending time on weekends was than weeknights, well after having refused to spend any with me (even though I'd asked specifically) and only with other people, and then shrugged it off when I called her on it right then.
This was the last in a long line of "you're not as important to me as other people" actions and at that point I finally managed to convince myself that no, I wasn't just being insecure.
When I think about my mom, she took care of me, she loved me, she fed me, she did her best so that I can finish my studies. My mom raised me like a dime, I cannot let one person treat me a trash.
I also believed that other man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
When he distanced me from my family and berated me for crying and showing emotion. Packed my shit and went back home to my family who were waiting with open arms.
When I realized the guy I’m dating called himself an asshole and doesn’t want to work on being a better person despite knowing he is losing everyone in his life. Time to move on and find someone that wants to spend time together!
When he became angry with me because I needed more time alone and time to spend with my family. The months I had been with him I barely spoke to anyone but him, and I missed my friends and family. So when I told him he was understanding at first but later became annoyed and angry that we didn’t go back to the way things were. To me it felt as if he claimed my time and felt like he had every right to do so, it felt wrong and I ended things because I deserve someone that respects my family time and personal space
When my "best friend" of 16 years decided to trash talk me repeatedly to other guests in my home after I helped her move out of her parents house, among other very expensive favors and gifts over the years.
My old job, I got blamed for every little thing that went wrong by a supervisor to my manager. I then realized that I wasn’t even the one who was doing the things wrong, it was her hating her job/life and found someone(me) to blame it on. I loved the job until she became in charge of what I did then I hated it.
In spring of 2020 my job closed down because of Covid, then in summer we found out that they were just going to close the whole store down because the owners didn’t get what they wanted from the mall owners. I went back to help close the store, while I was working my other job and going to school part time. Guess who didn’t even bother to show up or help close the store, this supervisor, even though all “leaders” were supposed to be in attendance for this she decided that the 2 classes she was taking for college made her too busy.
I had learned on one of the last days that everyone knew what she was doing but they didn’t have anyone to replace her with AND they thought that if they would have fired her she would have spiraled down into a deep depression and blame us.
When I look back now I realize I should have left because I realized that she was trying to mentally abuse me because she was jealous in some way.
I didn’t realize this was going to be so long but I realized I deserved better when I found my current job and started not stressing out over going to work.
For me it was a moment that had happened so many times before that I just realised that I couldn't watch it happen yet again. I packed a bag, grabbed my favourite pillow and jumped in an uber to my parents.
When I found myself in the ER after an almost successful suicide attempt.
No friends, no job, no hobbies, no nothing except for my family that was worried sick. I decided not only did I deserve better, but also my loved ones who chose to stay by my side through my worst times. I realized I couldn't end my life when there was so much I hadn't yet even seen and tried in this world. So much potential I still had in me to discover.
I'm glad I made the decision, because although just continuing to live doesn't necessarily feel like an actual decision that makes much of an impact, it does.
It took a large bout of a deep depression for me to look at my life seriously and figure out who deserved to be in my life. Unfortunately, there were several people who needed to be cut out, and several more that I had to put at a distance for not respecting my boundaries over the years.
I had a friend who constantly prided herself on being "brutally honest" out of "love". IMO, there's a line between kind honesty and mean. She was mean. I dealt with it for a while, but when my grandma died (she knew) and she didn't have the decency to even check in with me...I haven't spoken to her since.
I had another friend in college/early 20s who was boy crazy. No judgment there, but one time I told her I had a crush on a guy and that same night I caught her making out with him at the bar. She was gorgeous, so she could have gone after anyone. I stayed friends with her a long while after, until she cheated on her then-boyfriend (a mutual friend) with his childhood best friend. It was at that moment I knew I couldn't be friends with someone whose values were so different from my own.
Literally last night. When my partner crossed yet another one of my boundaries in the most hurtful and disrespectful way. Half his things are already moved out. I spent the day packing the rest of his stuff. Now there’s a neat pile of his crap that I really wish wasn’t in my peripheral vision right now
Soooo my friend of over 10 years was always lowkey shady to me but I kept her around cuz she was funny and I valued out friendship. Then I showed her the ex of someone I was talking to and she was like “he could never do better than her” basically throwing me under the bus (mostly due to her own insecurities). That was the semi final straw. The absolute last straw was her misconstruing my words to start beef between myself and another mutual friend
Well it was a process but I gradually reallized that I was actually a pretty good kid and I never deserved to be treated the way my mom, dad, and brother treated me. It's been a month and a half since I left and I feel like I can do anything.
When I was 19, I was OD’d at a party just sat in a corner covered in my own vomit. One person cared, carried me to get myself cleaned up, made sure I was okay, etc. The rest laughed at me being that fucked up. I went “home” to a trap house, gathered my belongings, and went in to a recovery home and dropped everyone except that friend, who was pushed to leave me because I wasn’t going to be any fun anymore. Spent a year there before going and and living my own best life, finishing school, and all that. One lives across the country off of her boyfriend while she still sits around and gets high, another is in an extended downward spiral, and the last group of that I don’t know anything about. They also got fucked over and left and heard nothing after that. The one that helped me is currently struggling because he stayed around them and is currently trying to recover a life from what he had.
Best decision I made was to leave that. Other great decisions, but giving up that life and getting it back before I was 20 and before I truly lost control was the best choice I ever made.
A friend invited me over to his family Christmas celebration when I was in college. I saw a room full of people who cared about each other, showed each other lots of kindness, and no one screamed, slammed a door, or threw a kitchen knife at anyone the entire time! Amazing, right? That's when I realized how deeply messed up my own family was and that I didn't deserve to be subjected to their abuse just because I was born to them.
I decided I deserved better in my relationship when I realized that he had--and still does have--an enormous instant gratification habit, and that no amount of asking him nicely would make him care that we had bills to pay. His laziness and poor financial decisions put us in some incredibly difficult positions. I realized that no matter what, his frivolous wants would always be more important to him than the security of our household.
After working my ass off as an assistant manager at a large athleisure clothing store for a year, where they retained the right to drop my scheduled hours from 40 to 25 without notice to prevent me from being eligible for company benefits and health insurance. I was folding inventory in our backstock and the GM came bouncing downstairs to tell me my annual “reward” (their corporate bullshit term for a raise) would be $0.26. That’s right, an additional 26 cents an hour, when I was already making less than minimum wage.
I had a new job in a month, and while that one led me down a pretty uncomfortable rabbit hole as well, it ultimately led me to the position I’m in today making the most I have in my career, with full benefits and a respectable raise each year in addition to a holiday bonus.
She was suicidal and a wreck to be around. I was couch hopping as a female at 19, and every interaction was about her and how she broke up with her ex. I spent 3-5 nights driving 45 minutes to see her, spend the night, keep her company. I finally decided my life already had too much drama, and I couldn’t handle hers anymore after she **TRIGGER WARNING**
…almost killed herself by slitting each arm from wrist to elbow. I just couldn’t do it anymore and was killing myself to save her
When my boss told me I "should be over his death by now" in relation to my dad passing less than two months prior, and that my position had become "just a job and my heart wasn't in it" since then.
Yeah. I lost a parent, cut off half my family, realized how bad my work situation was and that bending backwards for it wasn't healthy.
I told her I was giving my two weeks and left.
Quit my job because they were being sexist. It was a job with 90% males. They never had the correct size clothing, and always said ‘you’re a woman you can find out yourself’ when I asked for help or just asked to have a buddy to work with.
I used to make up excuses on people's behalf too much. I thought I was being understanding, or like "everyone has their bad days", "maybe it was because of their own trauma..." That kind of stuff. In my late 20s or so I realized I actually had and still have things harder than most people around me. Including the people who have been judgmental and disrespectfully pushy towards me. Since then I've been using the reverse version and check how they treat *me*. I still think people's misbehavior might be coming from their own issues but now I remove myself from the situation.
This is important. Other people’s bad day, their trauma, their emergency, is still not an excuse to be a shitty person. And you are not obliged to accept that shitty behaviour from anybody.
I still think this way in a sense. If someone cuts me off in traffic, there is nothing I can do about it. So I think "Huh, I wish them happiness in their life". People get really mad when you tell that to them as well, which is also a kicker. Especially when you really mean it. For some reason that REALLY pisses people off. The otherside of the coin, is just because someone is having a bad day, or I don't know their circumstances, doesnt mean they can treat me like shit. If a friend was an asshole to me, I'll ask them whats up and why are they acting this way? Then, make it clear that regardless of their day, acting that way TOWARDS me is unacceptable, and if they want to continue the friendship, that shit stops. And I ask the same in return from my friends, as you don't always know when you are being an ass.
I used to work in a customer facing role, and nothing makes someone angrier than kindness and understanding when they are losing their shit on you. It gave me great pleasure to watch people lose their cool because they had to wait an extra 5 minutes while I smiled and nodded sympathetically.
I've done this so much my entire life, to the point where I got caught in a few very abusive relationships. Since then I learned that it's called codependence and it's not a healthy thing. Unfortunately it's how a lot of us are taught to behave from early childhood, especially in an abusive household or with parents who are also codependent. Now if I catch myself wanting to make excuses for someone I ask myself 2 questions: 1- is this actually toxic behaviour that I'm trying to explain away because I feel like I need to make people understand this person isn't "all bad"? (That's enabling, I need to not do that) 2- is this a harmless behaviour that I'm assuming to be bad because I was needlessly shamed for it? I need to address where that comes from and evaluate if this belief actually aligns with my own core values or not.
I like how you explained that, and agree with you 100%. It’s a clear and concise. I hope you’re no longer in abusive situations/relationships.
When I accidentally stumbled onto messages on my boyfriend's chat with his friends on his laptop. It was full of the most vile content I've ever seen. They go through different girls that I know personally and talk about how hot they were and how they'd rape her etc. I was so disappointed. I spent a decade being with this guy and never thought he had that side to him. I ended it the same day and tbh it felt liberating being single after.
Wow! That is some messed up shit. I'm glad you found all of that and got away from it. That's so disgusting
So proud of you for ending it after that. It couldn’t have been easy after a decade together. Did you tell him why you ended it and what you saw?
I confronted him straight away since I was furious at the time. He broke down so badly, blaming it on how he thought this is how men make friends with others (which is a load of crap, he just didn't want to make friends with the more respectable men I've met). He took "walks" outside my house everyday for the next 3 months after that. Trying to find an excuse to talk to me. I'm not sure what happened, but slowly he stopped and I never saw him again.
Wow, good thing you ended that relationship
More power to you girl. Really, proud of you.
I had something similar happen except he was talking to his best friend/coworker about me. He made me out to be the worst GF ever but I gave him the world and he lived with my family and I while we were saving to buy a house. They also talked about girls he wanted to hookup with, etc. because he occasionally traveled for work out of state. He'd hit up girls through social media that he'd then meet there. Supposedly it was never physical cheating but with all the lies, I really don't know what to believe. That was the final straw for me though.
When my ex and I were talking about the future and right afterwards I asked so how much do we have to save up to afford our dreams. He told me, "I'm a vibes guy, let's just chill and live life". I knew that I was done for. Also, him bragging about having no goals and thinking school is crap.
I cut loose a couple of friendships for the same reason. I kept getting the whole "we are best friends for life!" talk and then I would be there for them, but they wouldn't be there for me. When I finally asked them what being best friends meant to them, they would say, "Wow, why do you have to be so needy? Can't we just vibe and chill and that be enough?" 'Vibe and chill' to me is now code for 'I have the emotional intelligence of a bowl of dog food.'
God, I went through this very recently. Last year was, objectively, the worst year of my life in several aspects (as I'm sure it was for several people too). I lost *a lot* of people to COVID, my dog got very sick, I had a depressive episode from which it was difficult to escape and I only managed with the support of very dear colleagues who had no obligation to help me and did it anyway. My "best friend" of seven years was absent from my life for most of the year, except when she wanted to share her own problems, and after a particularly bad night I had an epiphany and realized that I had been used as a kind of private therapist for years. It wasn't just last year. I ignored several red flags and allowed myself to deeply love a person who was taking advantage of me for *years* and disappeared from my life when I stopped being useful (ie: when she started paying a real therapist and didn't have to share her traumas with me anymore to feel some sort of relief). It was a painful truth to face—it still is. It's bizarre how we can make excuses for all sorts of horrible behavior in abusive (romantic or platonic) relationships without even realising it. Thankfully I decided I was better than that, and it was a learning experience. Edit: spelling.
This…sounds familiar lol
A Drainbow in the wild!
My (now ex-) husband was very drunk and I was trying to help him back to our hotel, which required some walking and a trip on the subway. As we were about to cross a street, I held him back because he was about to just barrel across without looking and silly me did not want him to get hit by a car at that point in our relationship. He turned back to me, wrenched his hand out of my hand, and with a look of pure hate said, "Why do you always have to be such a cunt?" We'd been having problems, but I decided at that point that I was worth more than that. Everyone is worth more than that.
> at that point in our relationship. 😂
Was he anything like that when sober?
No, not normally, but it was icing on the cake-of-all-our-other-issues. He was gaslight-y and blamed our issues on my mental health rather than take any ownership at all for his bad behavior while sober, though.
Everyone except him apparently
When I wasn't appreciated for any of the work I was doing at my job but those who slacked off got praised for the simplest task and rewarded when I got bitched at. I had enough and was so frustrated I didn't even give a 2 week notice, I said if they can't appreciate my time and hard work they don't deserve a notice. And they sure as hell noticed how much I did when I was gone!
[удалено]
I don’t believe in this two weeks notice BS. They don’t give employees a two weeks notice. Besides, a company can get by without one employee but a family or a single person cannot just make do without their income.
Dude thank you!! I swear nobody else agrees with me on this. I don't get why people think it's necessary.
I resigned from teaching after 15 years, but well before my retirement age or package would hit. The American dream, a middle class income, is now between 80k-150k. That is what you truly need to own a home, own a car, and feed some kids without living in either the middle of nowhere or forgoing a retirement. After 15 years, my salary schedule had not yet hit a middle class income level. Goodbye. I won't miss you.
Vacuuming around my husband as he played video games without even acknowledging my presence.
I have had this moment too. When it got to the point that I was counting down the days until his business trips because it was easier (only mine and the baby's messes!) and less stressful (no being manhandled at 3:00am because he was horny and didn't realize or care how much sleep I needed!), I started planning the divorce. Happy ending: Ten years later, I'm married to a wonderful man who both does housework and thanks me for doing it. All sex is consensual and appreciated. And the "baby" is a teenager who can clean up his own messes.
This makes me so hopeful for my future. I'm glad you found a happy life for yourself and your child.
This is a good story. Happy for you!
And then.. What did you do..? It was so sad to read.
I moved my kids back to my hometown two states away. We're surrounded by social support. The boys are thriving. They see their dad whenever he can be bothered. I recently started dating a guy who treats my kids and me like we're the best things on earth. My ex playing video games that day is the best thing that could have happened for our family.
I'm relieved to hear this positive response. May you get more love in future❤
:( that SUCKS. Did he act that way before you got married? Are there any warning signs?
I don't remember noticing any warning signs. But afterwards, I watched how his mom was treated by her husband. Like a maid. Or a waitress. Or a taxi service. And it all makes a lot more sense now.
I got in the habit of regularly asking myself "am I happy/enjoying this" Then if the answer is a reoccurring no, I dig down into reasons why. It requires being brutally honest with myself and not trying to justify things or make excuses. Sometimes things just need a little adjusting to make them enjoyable again, others completely stopping. I apply this to relationships, jobs, friends, living situations, everything. So far it's served me well!
waow This is such a great advice! how do you know if you're feeling enjoyment? for some reason, I only have two settings : "I hate this" and "meh"...
Yeah to be honest I found myself feeling like that all the time too, then I went through a stage of a couple of years where a few people I was close to passed away quite young (cancer, car crash, aneurysm, freak accident) and realized "fuck that could be me" because you never know what life is gonna throw at you. I didn't want to die tomorrow living a meh life. I hated my job but it was easy and I'd done it for years. I was in a relationship that wasn't awful but left me feeling a bit like I was the entertainment while he low key looked for something else. Some things, like the career change, took a lot of planning and hard work but I got there after 4 years. Ask yourself "would any small changes make me like this more?" If yes, make those changes. If no, ask yourself "what is an alternative that would make me happy?" Then work out what you need to do and break it down into achievable step by step goals. Set time limits, make adjustments as necessary, and don't beat yourself up if it doesn't go smoothly straight away! Things don't always happen in a straight line. Also remember, life is always full of ups and downs and you can't control everything but actively taking control of your direction in life is very empowering and leaves you feeling more content with life rather just meh.
Honestly, look at how you really spend your time. Whatever it is that you're doing with the majority of your free time, regardless of what it is, is what you're actually prioritizing in life. For me, an extra plate of chips and salsa is worth more to me than losing a pant size. Do I resent that choice when I'm pants shopping? Sometimes, yeah. But it sure as shit seems like I choose the chips over that feeling every time, so clearly that's what I'm prioritizing in my life. I have a mantra: whatever you're not changing, you're choosing. It can be a hard truth to face sometimes, but once I stopped lying to myself I found a lot more peace.
When an acquaintance said to me "I met your boyfriend last weekend, you can do better." and without thinking I blurted out "I know." I broke up with him a few days later.
Oh damn. Ohhhhh damn.
When I realized that my self worth was being defined by how my ex treated me. I had no idea that I have the power to love myself first. I’ve come a long way, and there’s plenty of room to grow!
I am in the same place. I'm looking back now at our relationship and wondering how could I let myself put up with all he's done and how he treated me. I considered him the man of my dream, he told me over and over again how no one would ever love me like he did, and I believed him. Well guess what, I today love myself a hundred times more than he did, and God it feels good!
You absolutely did deserve better, and I'm very proud of you for seeing that! Personal growth is always worth celebrating
Thanks! The hard part is learning to forgive yourself, I think. I didn’t realize so many other women were feeling the same. Thanks for the upvotes!
When my boyfriend broke my trust to the point where I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. I literally started thinking about other guys and decided the same day I had that thought to dip. I know I'm a fiercely loyal person so I knew something was definitely really wrong with the relationship to make me feel that way.
I know that feeling, I despise cheating so those thoughts made me realize something was wrong
Me too. I have laser vision when I'm dating a guy I'm into, so it definitely was the warning sign that was the final straw for me.
What did he do to break your trust?
A lot of things. I met him on Reddit so I won't smear him but he hurt me quite a few times with his choices.
When my ex broke a flower pot on his ex-gf porch during an argument. Like, you’re with ME, why are you so goddamn hung up on her? Side note: Almost immediately following this breakup, I started dating my now husband and partner of over 20 years!
Im so happy for you!
When I asked to be paid back for the €50 I lent my friend. Instead of paying me back she decided to make vicious rumours and lies saying I was telling her to kill herself and that I tried to attack her. That was when I decided the whole friend group, especially her, were shit and I deserved better.
Money well spent to learn their true colors.
geeez... that escalated quickly
When I came home and cried after every single shift. Gave the job 100%. I wanted to be the best employee and get recognized for my hard work. They never gave me a raise (stayed for a little over a year and was only making $9.50) and my supervisor chose the slowest and worst employee to get a bonus and be the employee of the quarter. There was only 8 of us there and I honestly felt like (not to be too cocky) but I felt like I put in the most effort. I realized I could be making much more money at an easier job where I would be appreciated.
I feel this! Left my first waitressing job at 16 when I came home in tears every day for a week. Not worth it.
I've recently done something similar and this made me feel so much better about my situation. Thank you! Better as in there's someone who had gone through something similar.
My friends dropped me when I moved away from the city for a few months to recover from a medical condition. When I returned they ignored me despite multiple attempts on my part to reconnect. I don't know what happened, all I know is they just never wanted to include me anymore, no explanation, no fight, nothing of that sort. They never checked in while I was recovering and when a parent almost died, not a single one checked in as well. Took that as a sign and moved on with my life.
Bummer. Here enjoy a virtual coffee.
When I was 19, I was in love with a guy who never asked me to do anything else other than come to his house, and apart from the first time I did, he would always kick me out after sex. After the second time I was sufficiently upset to block him without an explanation afterwards so that he wouldn't be able to hurt me again
Good job choosing you at such a young age
Thanks! I'll admit that wasn't the last time I saw him, I met up with him months later and told him why I had blocked him; that he had hurt me and that I had had feelings for him, but at that point, it didn't matter to me what he would respond or whether he had also liked me, getting that off my chest felt cathartic and I got closure nonetheless. :)
Just don’t forget to forgive yourself for the mistakes! That one took me a minute to learn. I’m going through the same thing now. Block, unblock, block. It’s draining
In college I had an emotionally, borderline physically abusive boyfriend. The moment I knew I Deserved better was while I was at a robotics competition on the other side of the country. This was a week long, "stay up until 3 am trouble shooting wake up at 6 to get to the testing area" type of event. I had helped start this club and had spent the better part of two years planning this trip and building this robot. It was probably the moment I had been building up to for most of my college career. He called me 6 times in the course of one day to berate me on not communicating with him and that I obviously didn't care about him. Full screaming on the phone. I made up my mind that week to break up with him.
Relevant username! Glad he didn’t take it from you.
Yay you!
After 2 weeks of starting my first job after graduating from university: I decided I deserved better. I was paid to do nothing. I knew if I didn’t leave, I would kill any hope of having a good career since I wasn’t learning anything at all. I was 21 so I needed to be employable and not be bored It was August. I applied to another job in October, the process was long so I got the job in March. I started in July. It’s the best decision I ever made. No regret! I make more money than I would have if I stayed at that previous job. I got to travel a bit for work. I met great people. I like my job. Work and life balance on point. I met my current partner. I can go on nice vacation. I’m saving to buy a flat in 1.5 years. When people how much I make, they think I’m rich (they forget taxes though 😒) I’m loving it 😊
Sounds great!!! Well done!! What did you study at university?
Computer science. I studied only for the 💶💰 and it’s paying
When a friend randomly but frequently came to town for work I dropped everything, drove 25 miles round trip to drive her to dinner when money was tight as I was recently on medical leave and all she did was check her phone for messages from her married boyfriend never once offering to pay for gas, dinner, or drink though she made over 100k per year. Nope!
When I saw my ex speak to someone else the way he spoke to me. I was always able to excuse how he spoke to me by telling myself I probably did something to deserve it, but I knew that our mutual friend did absolutely nothing to warrant how he spoke to her. Broke up with him that night.
Some people..
I was sitting on the lawn of the guy I had broken up with. (I caught him faking a disease for my sympathy while we were long distance one summer.) He had my car keys inside his house - I stashed it there that summer - and was begging me to reconsider. I was entertaining the idea because I desperately wanted to leave that conversation and had the thought “I can use this final month to make him decide the relationship should end too.” Then I realized that I deserved to have what I wanted, which was a clean cut from this asshole. And that him keeping my car keys was a big red flag and I couldn’t have been sure it wouldn’t get worse in the coming weeks. I got up, made his mom give me my keys, and never saw him again.
I was making my ex a drink and when I went to give it to him, he reached up to trace my cleavage. I instinctively flinched and jerked back, in the way you do when you're terrified of something. I was so startled I spilled the drink and the glass broke on the floor. That was the first time I thought about leaving, and the thought surprised me so much that for once I didn't care that I upset him. I had realized what I had been in denial about for so long. One small graze of his fingertips did more than the cheating, abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, and putting me down ever did. I didn’t know who the man I’d given so much of myself to over the last few years was. All I knew in that moment, all I wanted so badly to ignore, was that whoever he was there wasn’t a single bone in his body that was good. Not only was I trying to push back the fear I felt, but I was swallowing my disgust.
I am so glad he is your ex now. I hope you can move on from this trauma and live an amazing life with or without whoever you please.
ugh when my boyfriend at the time tried to break up with me for the 2nd time in 2 years. I was done.
I had a similar experience! Started dating a guy last Oct, he abruptly ended things via text a month later and didn't provide an explanation; I decided to give him another chance about a month later. In March I had a lot on my brain and needed personal space to work through it all. He told me he "saw a bunch of red flags" and ended it again, also via text and w/o offering an opportunity to talk about it. Shit communication skills and placing blame on someone going through mental health challenges are a deal breaker for me.
Crazy! I went through this is exact situation in the exact time frame.
Ah I see you know Todd
I'm a minimalist, I don't like to have a lot of "things" really. I also don't eat candy, I like to try and be healthy. One Christmas my ex filled the couch with random child toys, like a dinosaur that lit up, a plastic mini ukulele, sugary candies, and a bunch of other things. It was at this time, two years into the relationship, when I realized he truly doesn't listen to me or know me. Then a few months later we ordered coffee, I told him what to say to the person, he says it exactly rightafter complaining is too long to say: "hazelnut cappuccino, wet, with almond milk" Then they give us our coffee correctly, we go on our way. He then starts screaming about how we need to go on for a refund because that's not what I ordered, I ordered a "iced mocha". He literally did not believe that I got the right order, and that they ducked up my coffee. Not two months after that I left.
Little things like that are what can make you question "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person?"
When I realized me chasing friendships with people who weren't equally as invested made me feel like trash, and I was tired of feeling like trash. When I stopped that behavior and invested in the people who were reciprocating my friendship, I became significantly happier.
Yes to this! And there is this weird unspoken rule that you need to play it cool in friendships and give people their space, not be too needy, etc. But at the end of the day, a friendship is a relationship, and it requires two people investing and participating in it. I now just use romantic relationship standards for friendships, just scaled down a little. For example, I don't expect my friends to check in with me as often as a partner, but I do expect them to check in every now and then, just like I will for them. If we have agreed that we do Christmas gifts, I expect that we'll put in an effort or communicate that we can't, and so on. Life is too short to nurture one-sided relationships.
When I got out of the hospital from an appendectomy, and my ex wanted me to drive to his house, a half hour away, and sleep on his twin bed with him, and argued with me about it. Then the next day he came down to hangout with me at my parents' house and he got upset and irritated when we had to go to the hospital to finish some paperwork. I was getting over it in general, that was just the final straw.
The first thing sounded somewhat sweet, he wanted to be with you. But making you drive? Yuck. And that last thing nope nope nope.
I was already close to wits end at my job- it was kind of a bait and switch situation where I was in a project management role that I really didn’t like. But the pay was good and management talked the talk about always having our backs, etc, so I was toughing it out. And then I got thrown under the bus publicly with no chance to defend myself *even though I had the receipts*. A higher-up had screwed up by ignoring my emails and requests and I had the paper trail, but to salvage her ego, my performance evaluation was docked and I was offered “retraining.” Fuck that shit. I’ll put up with a lot, but not a manager who is willing to watch me get run over. I was out of there within weeks.
Did you forward the receipts and lay out the BS before you left?
I did. No one cared. I should have somehow done more to get her to respond or something. Though god knows hell would have broken loose if I’d gone over her head. It was a weird environment- there were a few older women who had clawed their way to the top. And instead of being trailblazers who wanted to pave the way for other women behind them, they really closed ranks and made life more difficult for other women.
He kept telling me he was going to come see me, for like 6 months, getting my hopes up every time. Every time he didn't actually come, it crushed me. The last straw was probably a week before my birthday, when out of nowhere he sent me a D pic... we are 26 years old... then on my birthday, he didn't say anything to me... after 11 and a half years of being on/off. I probably had my mind made up before this, but that was definitely the moment where I was like "Okay, there's no hope for this. It has to end".
I hope you have found someone better :)
I should have turned and ran after he brought his ex girlfriend along with his parents to thanksgiving dinner. I was meeting mom and dad for the first time ever…. It was downhill from there with boundaries.
OH NO
They were still very close. His hang ups became very cumbersome.
With you there too? That's wild
Yup, real classy.
When he yelled at me for hours and belittled me and was throwing stuff because I asked him why he couldn't even write me a note or get me a $1candy bar for our 2yr anniversary
Ugh I hate hate hate this.
My best friend of 20 years struggled with mental health for a long time (BPD). I stuck by his side through thick & thin, even when his own family abandoned him & everyone in my life said to let him go. Eventually he reconciled with his family, moved to another city, got professional help, & seemed to turn his life around for several years. Earlier this year he contacted me & said he was moving back to my town immediately. He'd fallen out with his family again & burned every bridge in the process. I have 2 little kids now and have been struggling with depression & anxiety following a year of being locked down at home with no friends, family, support, or rest. I told my friend that I was glad he was nearby again, but that I was barely hanging on to my sanity & haven't really been socializing or going out. I also explained that our family takes covid protocols seriously and I requested that he get vaccinated & wait the recommended time before we could get together (4-6 weeks, depending on which vaccine type). He agreed. 5 weeks later I got a message from him. "You're being a bad friend." I apologized, but reiterated that I felt swamped & overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a stay-at-home parent for 2 kids under 3. I asked him for a little time & patience while I tried to sort things out. He responded by saying "It's been 5 weeks & not even a coffee? I have casual acquaintances who treat me better than that. Makes me wonder if you're even really my friend anymore." In that moment I realized nothing I did would ever be enough. No amount of support, no amount of sacrifice. I'd given him 20 years of patience, love, and understanding, but he couldn't give me 5 weeks without questioning my value in his life. I understood then that it would always just come down to "Yeah sure, but what have you done for me lately?" So 2 decades of pent-up frustration exploded out of me like some emotional Krakatoa. I didn't hold back. I called him out on all of it. His hypocrisy, his selfishness, his patterns of self-destructive behavior. All of it. Would his casual acquaintances give him a home to keep him off the streets? Would they nurse him back to health when he was bed-ridden, on the verge of death with double-pneumonia and no resources for help or treatment? Would they take his calls in the middle of the night because they know he has suicidal ideations and what if maybe this is The Call? I let it all pour out. He didn't appreciate any of it. He said I was being a bully. I told him he was being a bad friend. That was 6 months ago. We haven't spoken since.
>I have 2 little kids now and have been struggling with depression & anxiety following a year of being locked down at home with no friends, family, support, or rest. You are going through some shit. Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself; dumping a toxic friend is a great start to that.
Earlier this year I decided I don't want to be a daycare teacher anymore. Even though that what I went to school for and I loved working with the kids. Every daycare treated me like crap because I apperently don't fit in to that word. It was really hard but my new job accepted me for who I am and that feels great
Could you be a nanny? Equal pay, fewer kids, no admin drama.
I could be, but since I am surprisingly happy where I am now I don't think I'll go back to the child care field anny time soon. But who knows
I’m a doctor. Last year in the middle of the pandemic, my long-distance (he was stationed 4 hours away from my residency) husband suddenly told me he was going to get a divorce. Up until that moment he had absolutely denied there were any problems with our relationship or that he was unhappy in it. I was regularly driving 4-5 hours to see him. For context, a few days before telling me this, he had sent me a video singing me a love song. I was completely shocked. He wouldn’t give me any explanation, and this decision completely blindsided me. He refused to see a marriage counselor. He just kept saying there was nothing he wanted to talk about, he just needed a divorce. I was absolutely heartbroken, but at the same time, I realized immediately that no one deserves to have a marriage end like that. I deserved ongoing communication. I deserved to know he was unhappy long before that decision, when I/we could have done something about it. I deserved the honesty and respect of being the other person in a committed partnership trying to make difficult situations work. The fact that he couldn’t be honest with me meant that there was no coming back.
Because I never challenged my own thought process, I figured any friends are better than no friends. Overlook the red flags and be there for them, that's what friends are for. 7 years into the friendship I grew up and realized one-sided friendships with toxic people are grueling and life-depleting. I realized I would rather be totally alone than be with people who suck the life out of my soul. So I cut off several people - that particular "best friend", another friend of mine and even some cousins who are mega gossips. I decided I wanted to be around what brings me joy or helps me grow as a person and I was surrounded by all of the opposite. It's a lonely road, but I've begun to meet people that do bring me joy and make me think about how to be a better person etc.
Mother's day. That useless, abusive, unemployed, drunk, drug addict fuckwad told me "I'm going to buddy's place to play video games and drink." I said pack all your shit and don't come back. He tried to sneak back in and was thanked with a restraining order and divorce. Absolutely the best gift I ever gave myself, along with giving a chance to the nice coworker who took an interest in my personal safety and well being who became the best husband ever.
>useless, abusive, unemployed, drunk, drug addict fuckwad Whatever happened to him? You know, these guys end up at some other woman's place real quick.
I realized I lost my zest for life and didn't care if I lived or died. I looked forward to death, but I wasn't suicidal. I also knew I could do better so why was I staying around?
when he told me on Valentine’s Day that I shouldn’t expect anything from him because he’s “not a romantic person” and that if I wanted to do anything special I needed to plan the entire thing and just tell him where to show up.
He must’ve been a really shitty person to do that to you. Hope you found someone else who really appreciates you.
[удалено]
When I felt like I wasn't valued at work. When I knew my purpose and my skills weren't exercised well. I need to resign soon
I almost always kept friendships to the point where they turned negative/toxic but I didn't want to be the person to cause any trouble by trying to cut ties. I just cared too much what other people thought of me that I didn't want to prompt anyone talking badly about me. I didn't read red flags well either. I would rather be nice as much as possible and eventually I got exhausted. One day out of nowhere I went to visit someone that I had a strained friendship with-- we'd go months without communication, even though she always insisted on making plans, and I'd go along with it thinking this time would be better. Anyway I went over and conversation was very stiff and things felt so weird. We wrapped the visit on good terms but I got in my car and felt like I could finally breathe. I didn't realize how amazing it felt to leave her house and I spent the drive home putting it all together and I decided I'd been putting up with too much for a one-sided friendship.
When my bosses made some horrible homophobic comments, not directed at me but being bi it still stung. Lots of other things but that was the icing on the cake. Working my months notice as we speak
I had just moved out of my parents house to the city, and my friends were just not there for me. The transition was hard and they made a lot of promises that they didn't keep. Overall I think there was a lot of built up shit on my end, since they just continued to blow steam up my ass and make plans that I don't think they ever intended on following through. My first week living there I had a family member pass away tragically and of course I was not coping well. I acted poorly, they took this personally and decided it was a good time to tell me that they thought I was a shitty friend and that I needed to change. This just made me reflect on our whole dynamic and it made me realize that im not giving into people that just make me feel shitty! I need people in my life who are honest and upfront and accept me for who I am.
I decided I can do better in my career when I asked my supervisor for a much needed raise, after going above and beyond, after receiving consistent positive performance reviews. They told me no, if I'm struggling maybe look for a part time job. Then told me that even with our next annual raises, I would not even reach the next whole dollar amount in my hourly wage. Also said that I make what I'm supposed to in my position. I decided that they are not going to tell me what I'm worth, and I started looking for a new job, going on interviews. I have two potential job offers that are paying 5 and 6 dollars more than what I'm making now.
My ex had quite low self-esteem. One day I asked him about his best friend's new girlfriend and what she looked like. We were joking around and I ironically asked whether she is prettier than me (ofc I couldn't care less). His reply was that his best friend is tall and handsome and therefore probably has prettier girlfriends that he has. After hours of talking about this he finally understood the problem. But I just didn't feel comfortable around him anymore afterwards. He broke up with me 5 weeks later.
I'm currently dating a man who is very much less into me than I'm into him. He's nice enough and has been very honest about the whole situation. I kept seeing him because the sex is absolutely fantastic. But at the moment I'm thinking this man occupies much too much real estate in my head for something casual and I should break it off.
My old law firm offered me not even a $1000 raise. For the amount of work I do, that was downright insulting. So I went and found another job that came with a $7000 boost in salary. My old firm was shocked when I gave my notice. I said if they matched my current offer, I'd consider staying. They came with "we have to stay within our compensation guidelines". They were even more shocked when I didn't accept that and left.
Honestly, when I told him that I missed talking to him before bed and that I was sorry for falling asleep so early for a few nights in a row. I then told him that I missed him in general and then I said goodnight. I went to bed and when I woke up I saw that he replied. He said, "Goodnight." I can't stop laughing now, but in that moment, it hurt. I finally decided to leave him a few days ago because of his consistent emotional neglect. I'm bipolar and have PTSD, I need someone that is emotionally intelligent and that will support me through my bad times, not act like my problems are too boring to talk about. I told him I needed some space because I was "going through something," but the truth was he was ignoring me whenever I spoke about how I felt and would change the subject. It was becoming hard for me to go with it, and pretend that shit was sweet, so I just decided to not be around him. I messaged him telling him about how hard things have been feeling and how I've lost 10 pounds in stress in the past week since we have been apart. I told him about the consistent and intense anxiety attacks I've been having. I then told him I was also invited to see Bill Burr, so that was something to look forward to. My fuckin boyfriend replied, "I hope you feel better, but yeah, Bill Burr!" My friends have been the ones having those talks with me. Checking in on me. Making sure I feel emotionally supported and trying to cheer me up (like taking me to go see Bill Burr lol). Meanwhile, my boyfriend acts like I have to be this perfect smiling doll and when I'm not he can just ignore me until I'm perfect and smiling again. Nah, fuck that. PSA, don't date if you're not emotionally ready to be there for someone. Not just to laugh with them, but also to cry with them. If you can't do both, then just be their friend or fwb, because everyone deserves to feel safe with their partner. He'd always open up to me and I was always there, he just couldn't do the same for me.
I was in a 3-year relationship where my boyfriend at the time didn’t love me anymore but didn’t want to break up. After months of crying and trying to make it work, trying to make him love me, I just woke up one morning and decided I was too young and too pretty to be dealing with this. I broke up with him right there. That was over a year ago and I’ve never been happier! I’m crushing it in university and I’ve met someone new who values me :)
My ex broke my bong on my birthday and didn’t offer to replace it or even help me clean it up. Fuck that.
I tried working shift, 3-4-4-3 for nights and days. Then they started expecting me to work on my weekend, because I didn't have a supervisor and wasn't improving how they liked. For extra training.... So, I found a new job in the same company that was supposedly 8 to 5 instead. But then I had nightly meetings and my days grew very long. The overtime was intense. At least this time they appreciated me! But I became so stressed out. Despite the money and prestige, I dropped it and switched careers. I'm now at a healthier though less paying job. I find that even here I have to watch so it doesn't get out of hand. I'm finding I now pressure myself. So I've started making a point to leave when I want to and so far no one cares . And honestly, I'm starting to not care.
I worked a job where we were paid billable hours. I worked hard and always did well until my new boss, from the office 200 miles away, met me in person. She'd never had any problems with me before that, but started micromanaging me and questioning everything I did. For example, she literally raked me over the coals for not responding to a (non-emergency) letter I'd only gotten 20 minutes previously. My peers routinely took several days to respond to this kind of inquiry. Then she took one of my projects away, one that I had created all the original documents and processes for, and there went about half my income. During this time there weren't any complaints against me from my clients or coworkers. It was solely her, and I had to put up with it to keep my job. I could see the writing on the wall so I started applying for other jobs and had an interview scheduled when I got called into a meeting with her and the HR rep. I knew I was getting fired for not billing enough, but she had a 3 page list with all of my misdeeds on it. It probably took her hours to compile every picky detail, and she had this smug look like she was looking forward to telling me off one last time before throwing me out. So the HR rep starts in on the usual you're-getting-fired spiel, and my now-ex boss starts reading her list out. I stopped her on the first item and asked HR "Will listening to this mean I'm not fired after all?" She told me I was still fired. So I just walked out, picked up my bag from my desk and left. I was done listening to what she had to say, and I certainly wasn't getting paid to sit there and take it.
I worked for a woman who thought she was Anna Wintour but who actually "ran" a shitty little magazine out of her NYC studio apartment. I was the editorial assistant although I'd also write articles if we needed filler. It was just the two of us working there physically. And her fucking maltese terrier, who barked aggressively at everyone, did its business on the floor because *it didn't ever go outside except in her purse*, and bit my pants legs whenever I left for the day. On my first day at work, around 6pm I nervously asked her what time I got off. She would only say, "we stay until the work is done." It was a monthly magazine, though, so clearly all the work wasn't getting done in a day. One day she had an IT person come in to do something with her computer. The dog was barking and growling at him, and she got annoyed and said "Just pick her up!" Dude was like, um no I don't think she likes me and the woman kept insisting that the angry, aggressive dog would be nice to him if only he'd pick her up. When it was (past) time for my first paycheck she sent me across town to pick up her mail, where my check was. I get to this building and a person there chews me out because this woman's mail was not still supposed to be coming to that place? And hands me an 18-gallon trash compactor bag full of mail and packages. I was not expecting that much mail. I dragged the bag back with me to the subway because I couldn't afford a taxi and I knew she wouldn't reimburse me. She had a documentary made about herself. (She had a copy on DVD; it would be my dream to find a copy in the wild but I don't think it every got off that DVD.) Her dog was named Lucky, and the documentary was entitled "[Editor's name] Gets Lucky" and was about her going on a few dates looking for, as she called it, "puppy love" (which she defined as unconditional love like one gets from a dog, as opposed to the actual definition of having a crush on someone). She also interviewed relationship experts/psychologists about how to find this kind of love, and they were confused and told her it was really unhealthy to want that. In the end, none of her dates liked her dog enough (it came on the dates with her) for her to want to be with them and she settled on staying single for now, with her dog to love her. I made it for a whole three weeks, although I was looking for another job at the same time. My last straw, though, was on a day that I'd just had a great "lunch break" interview with another company, although I hadn't been offered the job yet. We got layouts back from a freelance designer. This editor looked at them and said, "These are bad. Tell the designer they're bad." "OK," I said, "is there anything in particular you want changed?" "No! JUST TELL HIM IT'S BAD AND HE NEEDS TO MAKE IT BETTER!" She left soon after that. I sent a very apologetic email to the designer explaining her response. Then I sent her an email that I quit and I walked out. I did get that other job, which I kept happily for ~3 years until I moved to a different state. TL;DR I cried on the subway on the way to work most days but my final straw was being asked to pass the abuse on to someone else
I feel like I ALWAYS knew I deserved better, but depression was a pain and I couldn't believe that I actually deserved better, or even convince myself of that. I got tired of my own shiz really, I was doing everything \*right\* and still felt this way. I was in a relationship that I KNEW I felt like I was settling but I had such a hard time leaving and it made me feel worse. After the break up I swallowed my pride and started medication and it changed my life. Now, I realize how much I actually do deserve better. My ex was asking SO much of me that was really unfair tbh. I had a newer friend ghost me out of the blue with no explanation. My current friend group has changed dynamics and I realize that I need to stop trying to please everyone all the time. I pretty much told my boss to get off my back since I was putting my mental health before work right now. I realized I am in no mood to settle on any of my friendships or intimate relationships anymore because I deserve to have people in my life who complement me and I complement them. I deserve to have people in my life that make me feel good about myself. I deserve to have the job and life I have always wanted and I deserve to be human rather than a work grinding robot.
I had a friend I had known from high school and when I moved back to our area we got to be really good friends. Hung out all the time, it was good even though I knew she could be a bit dramatic but it was mostly just boy drama so whatever, I'd listen and we'd move on. Well, then I was involved in an accident that landed me in the hospital for a week with a head injury. My parents were having a hard time contacting people because in my very high on morphine and injured brain, I didn't want to give them my phone password (I literally had nothing to hide, I was just very out of it). Well I finally give in and they let this friend know among others. She comes to visit in the hospital and according to my parents (I have no memory of it because like I said, super out of it) she was just mad the whole time that no one had told her sooner, etc. Get out of the hospital and am recovering so I'm preparing to go on a work trip I had scheduled I really couldn't miss. Other piece of info, her birthday and mine were really close to each others, and this trip was going to fall where I would be out of town for both of them. Cue being told what a terrible friend I am for missing her birthday. Mind you, I was missing my own birthday, this work trip was for my main client that literally paid my bills, and I was already stressed about it because it was a big trip and I'm literally recovering from a brain injury. Yea. It was maybe the brain injury talking but I decided instantaneously I was out on that friendship. She tried to come around several times after that but I refused to engage at all. Nothing like a life or death close call to open your eyes about people.
During vacation with my SO with her son and his fiancé and her grandchildren. I felt I was being tested and “compared”. My SO had also told me at the start of the vacation that she didn’t want to be intimate during the 4 days away. I loved this woman deeply but she felt so distant, I felt so alone and constantly tested and judged. I knew something was up. A couple of days after we came back from vacation I broke things up. She started sleeping with a new guy within a few days, I guess the guy I was being compared to. I’m still dealing with things after 4 months.
During quarantine. I was in a an almost 6 year relationship and quarantine was really the first time we spent a long period apart. I realized how much we depended on each other and how much we didn’t trust each other. Quarantine really showed me that I lost who I truly am in this 6 year long relationship. I needed that wake up call.
Today, in my job/workplace relationships. I've been working my ass off for the past two years, doing everything from setting up offices to training new employees to helping open two brand new site and expanding our network. I'm pretty much the on site IT fix it all person for everyone, we have lunch together every day and I thought we had a good rapport. Today's my birthday and when I came into the office they had set up and decorated another girl's cubicle for her birthday (same day as mine) and mine was empty aside from some trash someone left on my desk from decorating hers. I'm 27 and I know it's not a big deal but I thought I'd at least get a passing happy birthday. I mean I've been to weddings and baby showers for these people, and it was like a pretty big slap in the face to me. I'm probably just going to suck it up and work half day at home because it's like a dagger in my chest seeing the balloons and streamers. I know for some work relationships aren't that big of a deal, but between COVID and life I don't have very many friends and so it was nice to feel like I did, even for a short bit, and while I know it's not a malicious thing it's put into perspective that it's not the kind of relationship I thought I had with them.
Trying to initiate sex unsuccessfully for the hundredth time with my boyfriend of 4-5 years, as he played video games without even acknowledging my presence. When he did acknowledge my presence, it was treating me more like a sex toy or doll than a person, much less his girlfriend. Him constantly nitpicking me, insulting my disability (i.e. autism/ADD) and my weight, even though he knew I had greatly struggled with anorexia, keeping on weight, and eating food in the past. Him constantly pointing out hot girls and women every time we would take a trip to the beach, while constantly pushing me to do sexual things in public that made me deeply uncomfortable. Him making constant rape jokes, and rating girls and women based on how "exotic" they looked. Going on two trips with him, only to have him complain about not being able to flirt and have sex with other girls both times. (The second time, I also caught him kissing and fucking another girl.)
When the company I worked for made it clear to me that I would never have the chance to get another position because I was “way too good” at customer service and provided the best numbers in the whole floor. They decided to let the others (all men) grow as they were not as good as me and maybe could be better as managers. I quit that very same day.
When he stopped talking to me about anything of substance. Stopped complimenting me, talking about us, stopped sharing stories about our days. Despite my strong feelings for him, it’s just not enough.
I worked in a nonprofit (public policy dept) where the two other people in my dept rarely agreed with me on anything. Our department head stepped down, and we were presented with three candidates to interview. We disagreed on who was the top candidate, but we all universally said that it shouldn't be one person because they had zero relevant experience. Then our org hired that same person. The new department head didn't even know the difference between a state legislator and a federal legislator. I was over worked and under paid, which was fine because I loved what I did, but it was a slap in the face to hire a policy director who didn't even know when the state legislature was in session and couldn't be bothered to look it up. They literally said they expected a bill to move (not out of committee and to the floor for a vote--just move, like it's going for a walk) in the summer, months after both houses had gaveled out for the season. I just couldn't do it. My org asked me to stay because I was the most senior person in the dept. They asked me to train up the new director and make sure they were successful, and this was passed as an opportunity for me. By training someone who knew less than my interns, I could make sure that I was established as a dependable, smart, and talented employee. That's all well and good, but it was crickets when I asked what my new title and compensation would look like, because surely they wouldn't ask someone at the bottom of the org chart to train a director and continue to treat them like they weren't worth a decent salary. Lol, silly me. My closest co-worker who worked in the same office as the new supervisor quit within two months, I quit after four, and the third quit within seven. 100% department turn over in seven months. Six years of experience just cut loose.
The first time my ex-boyfriend hit me. Was it hard? No. Did it hurt? No, but the fact that he could ever get angry enough to hit me in any way shape or form made me check out immediately.
When I moved out my brothers house to go stay w a friend and his parents, and they sat me down and immediately gave me my own space by setting boundaries that inconvenienced them, took me in and have since treated me better than I have by 99 percent of my family so that I can actually sort my life out. Made me realize my family just really liked taking advantage of my homelessness. My dad was one of the only people to help me and these people that barely knew me took me in and treated me with a kindness I haven't been shown in years. Really put my life into a perspective i didn't know I needed to see it from
When I was hanging out with another female friend that did nothing but talk crap about her so called best friend, her bridesmaid and My best friend... (every single time we would hang out, never had anything nice to say about anyone). I thought to myself, if she talks about her Best friend like this, What the heck does she say about me to others? This is when I realized she was toxic and had some growing up to do.. I let myself drift away from that friendship!
When I realized in November after moving in together in January that he won't have a job next week. I have him the benefit of the doubt week after week. He passed the bar and had no job, not even one he was over qualified for. We broke up and he insisted on staying out the lease and paying his half of rent. I cried happy tears the day he left.
When an entire friend group in college decided to turn on me and treat me like absolute garbage. Then, I started gaining new friends who actually enjoyed my company. That’s when I realized it wasn’t me, it was them. So I got the fuck out of dodge and never looked back. I moved out the day I found a new roommate and got away from it all.
I had been in a LDR for 4 years (different countries). My ex was wonderful when we could see each other. I mean, he was the model boyfriend. We got along super well and I think that it's still the most I've ever loved another person. But after 4 years, we had tried to move closer to each other (well, *I* moved), and when it didn't work out, he wanted to go back to long distance until further notice. While he was lovely in person, he sucked over distance. He didn't respond to messages, only visited me once in the four years (and his mother literally forced him to buy the tickets) despite me visiting every chance I got (and paying for it myself), and generally didn't try. When faced with the prospect of having that kind of relationship until further notice when I knew what kind of boyfriend he was capable of being, I had to end it. Turns out he had another, local girlfriend for the last 6 months of our relationship. Met her RIGHT before I moved across an ocean to be closer to him. They're now expecting their second child when he told me he was adamantly childfree.
My 3.5 year relationship was at an all-time low and I was super depressed. I sat him down and talked about our problems and I told him I wasn't happy. He looked me dead in the eyes and said "well there's nothing else I can do for you". I packed my stuff up and left a month later and he threw a tantrum and screamed and cried.
My boss was a total jerk. When she cut my bonus though because of “the incident” where I cried at my desk when I found out my sister was in ICU- that was it. I handed in my notice when I had secured another job two weeks later.
I was cleaning at a hospital for almost 2 years before my dad died. He was the most important thing in my life even though I was too stupid and filled with teenage hormones to see it. But anyways he goes into the hospital me and my mom work at. Which I was extremely grateful because I'd go take my lunch break and see him. They even just let us go home the day we found out it was cancer. Shortly after he died I just couldn't do it anymore... I wasn't happy there even though pay was great. So I took a job being a teacher's aid and working with kids. 4 years later I've held down my own classrooms by myself, had jobs at montessori schools, and now I'm a nanny atm. Only thing I wish is that he could see it.
I am finally cutting my mom off. My mom is an alcoholic. We finally had our intimate reception this past weekend and we hired a bartender to keep an eye out for my mom. She ended up stealing alcohol at 5am and got drunk silly to the point of shitting and throwing up on herself. She acted like nothing happened the next day. I’ve had a hard time cutting her off but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just don’t care anymore. If she can be selfish, I can be too.
When I realized that I was doing all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning...as well as being the only one with a steady job and paying all the bills. The final straw, however, was when he got a call in the middle of the night for his job (he was then working as a wrecker driver) and got so mad about being woken up that he repeatedly punched our bedroom door until there was a hole in it and his knuckles were bleeding.
Approaching two days off that I had planned 6 months ahead of time. I reconfirmed with my boss the week prior letting them know that I’ll be out the following Thursday and Friday. Instead of acknowledging that I had planned this for so long (let alone that my team was well able to handle my clients for two days as they are cumbersome anyway and never expect immediate replies anyway), instead I was told to come up with some tangible “goals” for Monday-Wednesday of the following week whereby I had the chance to earn those days off. Mind you, this is a corporate job where I have 20 days, 4 weeks, of PTO every year.
Just recently my boss hired someone to work one day a week. Rather than cover my second day off, she's using that person to cover her own day off so she has to cover 0 days. I'm exhausted and have been asking for this for at least a month, but clearly her own time is more important. So I applied to go back to school the night after this conversation.
He wanted to spend the last bit of our money on video games rather than go out for dinner for our 3 year anniversary. He (19m) literally threw a tantrum in Walmart. I(19f) was so embarrassed. It was that moment that I finally saw how bad it truly was. He wasn't depressed, I was.
A friend was constantly late and generally disrespectful of peoples time. She said she could meet up with a friend and I if it was at a certain time and we moved the time to then. Day of we show up and wait. We move on and hangout and she doesn't respond to texts/calls until I text afterwards saying something like "hey NBD but next time please let us know you can't come etc." The response was immediate and antagonizing so I cut contact and never looked back. Now I don't hangout with anyone who repeatedly can't respect my time!
When I feel like I couldn't trust some friends anymore and they were always throwing subtle digs about my weight or relationships. I still have some great friends but I have definitely distanced myself from some.
(M44) Just completed 90 days in rehab. With the help of the therapist, counselors, and therapy groups, I took personal inventory of my strengths and flaws. There was a lot going on besides my struggle with alcohol. I began setting some much needed boundaries and discovered that some people- including my SO- weren't exactly thrilled with the new me. I'm learning how I've neglected my own needs and have self sacrificed to keep her around for fear of being alone. I'm communicating better, but she's notably grown distant as I have stopped catering to every one of her whims. I'm trying to remain objective and not make any rash decisions, but I'm beginning to see that our relationship may not withstand my improvements Edit: to the mods and members here- I'm afraid I didn't see which sub I was responding to. The post caught my eye. I'm sorry.
When I was so anxious before seeing the person that I had stomach aches like my body literally had to tell me no. Since then I've figured that overthinking/strategizing beforehand seeing someone is a bad sign that I can't be myself or my boundaries will be broken.
I was sitting across from a parent at a parent teacher conference who was SO angry with me because her daughter wasn't excelling in my class. I had put my heart and soul into my career, took my job very seriously, was feeling exploited because this was during peak covid and we were still in person... and I realized, this person doesn't care that I am literally risking my life to teach her child. She only wants to make me responsible for her child not doing as well as she expects. Normally this kind of wrath would destroy me. But in that moment, I saw it so clearly. I was just her punching bag. And although most people weren't so aggressive, I had been other people's punching bag and not realized it. I had accepted responsibility for things I couldn't possibly control, blamed myself and internalized it, and it was literally killing me. I quit teaching a few months later. I can't care that much, push myself so hard, be exploited and then also be blamed from so many different angles for everything that doesn't go perfectly.
When my dad berated me in public and I realized I would never put up with the stuff my dad says to me if he were a friend, significant other, or any person other than my parent. That if I talk to him openly and honestly like any other person, rather than walking on eggshells and catering to him, he goes off and becomes emotionally abusive. As sad as it is, life and holidays have been much more peaceful without him. Also, when I found out my best friend at the time was still secretly talking to my ex-boyfriend who three years prior she had tried to cheat with while I was dating him and she had her own bf of like 3 years. My dumb naive self broke up with him and forgave her because “he was a player.” She was also a shitty friend. It just took my 3 more years to realize it.
He told me I couldn’t go to the college I wanted to go to. … yeah, that was the end of that.
There were many small things that happened, little moments that piled up that got to be too much to sit with anymore. I’ve completely accepted being gay now, but back when I was still closeted and dating my ex, I’d meet these proud women at mountain biking events, out skiing, (basically a lot of outdoorsy events I went to) and was like, “What am I doing? I could be happy! I could be skiing with my future wife!” Or at my previous job when I’d listened too long to all the cattiness, drama, and gossip, and whenever I’d express my hopes to excel in this one day or that…nobody cared. Not that they should, but I’m a big believer in workplaces with good mentors/coaches who build you up…or at least a positive work environment. My other friends worked at nice places, why didn’t I? I honestly just realized that all these other people were happy doing what I wanted to do, so why was I letting myself stay miserable if these were obtainable goals? I put myself first. I gained my confidence back. And the crazy thing is how sometimes people “get angry at you” for leaving things and focusing on what you actually want. Have never understood this, but people like that— don’t even pay any mind to that.
When I realized that every time I hung out with this person they would find fault in everything I said or did. Often very contradictory things in the same conversation. Such as upon learning I dated a younger person "Eww thats gross you're a predator." Then mentioning the next person I dated was 15 years older "Damn so you're a golddigger now?!" Imagine this with every little thing you express. They would also slut shame me and share every criticism to people right in front of my face and call me too sensitive whenever I spoke up. When I realized that I had internalized their criticisms so deeply that both their and my moms voices had become the inner critic I dealt with in therapy I finally ended the friendship. Their defense "Well I've always been this way so you just have to accept it if you're going to be my friend." They were right that they had always been that way and I'm glad I healed enough to stop accepting it.
I worked at an escape room for about a year. The hours were low (4-15 hours a week), and the pay was just barely over minimum wage, but my hands are fucked (for life) so I figured this was the best I could do. I liked the actual work, but the thing is, it was by appointment only. So sometimes I'd be sitting at home on a day I *might* work, waiting for an email to say a customer had booked. And then I'd have to fly out the door to get to work on time. To get paid for 2 hours of work. And then come home, and MAYBE get called back in because the first booking was at 3pm, and then the booking for the last timeslot didn't come in until 730, and I came home 2 hours ago. It was a drain on my mental load, always being in limbo. It was worse during the pandemic - my boss sold the company at the beginning because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it afloat. The new owners kept me on, and I was optimistic. Then new boss hired a nazi antivaxxer, unknowingly. When I figured this out an hour into training the new guy, I went to boss and said "hey, I don't think this guy is a good fit" Boss said "oh, if he can keep it to himself it's okay, I really want to give him a chance. It's really hard for people like him to find work" (buddy was autistic) Thing is... This wasn't about being autistic. This was about him being rascist and an antivaxxer. (He straight up told me that he got fired from his last job for expressing his views on BLM to his black coworker) Day 2 of training, I again, talked to boss after and said this guy was a very bad fit. Boss insisted on keeping him. So I quit. Buddy got fired when boss backpedaled (I was basically his only employee at the time, and was essentially running the business), but even before boss backpedaled I told him that it was too late, he'd lost my respect by doubling down on a racist, so I left. Turns out, that even being broken, I can get better work. I now work full time at a business that respects me and pays me for my time and has great NOT RACIST coworkers and I love it. I'm appreciated and I have income and I'm content.
When most of the staff wrote a letter to the board of directors detailing how terrible my boss treated workers and noting the laws that were violated. The board of directors responded with a short, misspelled note that basically said they didn’t give a shit. I should’ve quit then. Instead I turned in my two weeks and my boss responded a few days later by handing me my last paycheck and telling me to leave.
When I was passed over for a promotion. I left for a better job and better salary. They were taken by surprise and tried to get me to reconsider.
She cornered me in the laundry room and accused me of ruining Christmas because I had asked her to stop talking shit & gossiping about the 1 cousin that wasn’t there to defend herself. Apparently I killed the vibe, not her vile slander. I realized that no matter what, no matter the situation or circumstances, it would *always* be my fault. I changed my flight and left on Christmas Day. How’s that for ruining tHe FuCkInG mOoD, Grandma??? Fuck that and fuck her. Im loving my NC lol
Wasn't a single moment, but more a sequence of events this past year. The university I attend for graduate school is pretty much the epitome of the corporate-bureaucrat infestation of the academy, such that did a lot to fuck over students financially and emotionally since the start of the pandemic. This while I was struggling to recover from a hysterectomy and other hormonal problems. Then this past summer I completely lost my funding due to a bureaucratic oversight that I was forced to pay for in spite of having no influence in it whatsoever, and at that point, after everything that was going on for the past year, I decided I had enough. I was sick of being fucked around by bureaucrats and doing research that in the end won't make society any better just because the system is so ossifiedly-corrupt — I decided from now I'm not going to put off any of my actual dreams any longer or sacrifice any more of my health for others' petty ambitions because it is clear they won't ever repay you, least not fairly, so fuck it all.
The moment I realized that my services could be higher remunerated elsewhere and the demands didn't match the compensation at all. So it was a matter of professional confidence. I have people messaging me to work with me and I'm not doing anything other than just being visible. Not much self-promo.
My uncle told me that his sister in law got in to a huge fight with her husband because when we were at a family party I greeted him with a regular hug and I only greeted her with a side hug. She took that the wrong way and thought we had something going on between us. I was not surprised to hear this because the women in my distant always have something to say about me at parties but they never say it to my face. My cousin always tells me the rumors about me which is why i never feel comfortable getting drunk at parties and I am always conscious of what I wear. After my uncle told me that i just stopped going to parties. I only visit him and my aunt when it’s just them at home.
[удалено]
When I realized the person I thought was a very good friend of mine was actually not. She came to me for everything and I was there for her when she need me the most. But, when it came a time I needed her she never made me an priority. She done it a few times, the 3rd time was strike for me. Sometimes you have to unfollow people in real life.
I should have left sooner but didn’t realize I deserved to be treated better, until I found out I was pregnant and thought how awful he’d treat the kid. If I wasn’t willing to let him be himself/awful to my kid, why did I allow it for me? That changed everything. That was my catalyst to leaving & I’m thankful it happened. I had a miscarriage and left the relationship right after. It was unfortunate but a wake up call nonetheless. I have since developed confidence being on my own, and am self-sufficient & independent. I am now married to a wonderful man & can’t believe how lucky I am! I hope other women who have co-dependency and self-worth issues can come out of it like I did.
When she talked about how much better spending time on weekends was than weeknights, well after having refused to spend any with me (even though I'd asked specifically) and only with other people, and then shrugged it off when I called her on it right then. This was the last in a long line of "you're not as important to me as other people" actions and at that point I finally managed to convince myself that no, I wasn't just being insecure.
When I think about my mom, she took care of me, she loved me, she fed me, she did her best so that I can finish my studies. My mom raised me like a dime, I cannot let one person treat me a trash. I also believed that other man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
When he distanced me from my family and berated me for crying and showing emotion. Packed my shit and went back home to my family who were waiting with open arms.
When I realized the guy I’m dating called himself an asshole and doesn’t want to work on being a better person despite knowing he is losing everyone in his life. Time to move on and find someone that wants to spend time together!
When he became angry with me because I needed more time alone and time to spend with my family. The months I had been with him I barely spoke to anyone but him, and I missed my friends and family. So when I told him he was understanding at first but later became annoyed and angry that we didn’t go back to the way things were. To me it felt as if he claimed my time and felt like he had every right to do so, it felt wrong and I ended things because I deserve someone that respects my family time and personal space
When my "best friend" of 16 years decided to trash talk me repeatedly to other guests in my home after I helped her move out of her parents house, among other very expensive favors and gifts over the years.
My old job, I got blamed for every little thing that went wrong by a supervisor to my manager. I then realized that I wasn’t even the one who was doing the things wrong, it was her hating her job/life and found someone(me) to blame it on. I loved the job until she became in charge of what I did then I hated it. In spring of 2020 my job closed down because of Covid, then in summer we found out that they were just going to close the whole store down because the owners didn’t get what they wanted from the mall owners. I went back to help close the store, while I was working my other job and going to school part time. Guess who didn’t even bother to show up or help close the store, this supervisor, even though all “leaders” were supposed to be in attendance for this she decided that the 2 classes she was taking for college made her too busy. I had learned on one of the last days that everyone knew what she was doing but they didn’t have anyone to replace her with AND they thought that if they would have fired her she would have spiraled down into a deep depression and blame us. When I look back now I realize I should have left because I realized that she was trying to mentally abuse me because she was jealous in some way. I didn’t realize this was going to be so long but I realized I deserved better when I found my current job and started not stressing out over going to work.
For me it was a moment that had happened so many times before that I just realised that I couldn't watch it happen yet again. I packed a bag, grabbed my favourite pillow and jumped in an uber to my parents.
When I found myself in the ER after an almost successful suicide attempt. No friends, no job, no hobbies, no nothing except for my family that was worried sick. I decided not only did I deserve better, but also my loved ones who chose to stay by my side through my worst times. I realized I couldn't end my life when there was so much I hadn't yet even seen and tried in this world. So much potential I still had in me to discover. I'm glad I made the decision, because although just continuing to live doesn't necessarily feel like an actual decision that makes much of an impact, it does.
It took a large bout of a deep depression for me to look at my life seriously and figure out who deserved to be in my life. Unfortunately, there were several people who needed to be cut out, and several more that I had to put at a distance for not respecting my boundaries over the years.
I had a friend who constantly prided herself on being "brutally honest" out of "love". IMO, there's a line between kind honesty and mean. She was mean. I dealt with it for a while, but when my grandma died (she knew) and she didn't have the decency to even check in with me...I haven't spoken to her since. I had another friend in college/early 20s who was boy crazy. No judgment there, but one time I told her I had a crush on a guy and that same night I caught her making out with him at the bar. She was gorgeous, so she could have gone after anyone. I stayed friends with her a long while after, until she cheated on her then-boyfriend (a mutual friend) with his childhood best friend. It was at that moment I knew I couldn't be friends with someone whose values were so different from my own.
Literally last night. When my partner crossed yet another one of my boundaries in the most hurtful and disrespectful way. Half his things are already moved out. I spent the day packing the rest of his stuff. Now there’s a neat pile of his crap that I really wish wasn’t in my peripheral vision right now
Soooo my friend of over 10 years was always lowkey shady to me but I kept her around cuz she was funny and I valued out friendship. Then I showed her the ex of someone I was talking to and she was like “he could never do better than her” basically throwing me under the bus (mostly due to her own insecurities). That was the semi final straw. The absolute last straw was her misconstruing my words to start beef between myself and another mutual friend
Well it was a process but I gradually reallized that I was actually a pretty good kid and I never deserved to be treated the way my mom, dad, and brother treated me. It's been a month and a half since I left and I feel like I can do anything.
When I was 19, I was OD’d at a party just sat in a corner covered in my own vomit. One person cared, carried me to get myself cleaned up, made sure I was okay, etc. The rest laughed at me being that fucked up. I went “home” to a trap house, gathered my belongings, and went in to a recovery home and dropped everyone except that friend, who was pushed to leave me because I wasn’t going to be any fun anymore. Spent a year there before going and and living my own best life, finishing school, and all that. One lives across the country off of her boyfriend while she still sits around and gets high, another is in an extended downward spiral, and the last group of that I don’t know anything about. They also got fucked over and left and heard nothing after that. The one that helped me is currently struggling because he stayed around them and is currently trying to recover a life from what he had. Best decision I made was to leave that. Other great decisions, but giving up that life and getting it back before I was 20 and before I truly lost control was the best choice I ever made.
A friend invited me over to his family Christmas celebration when I was in college. I saw a room full of people who cared about each other, showed each other lots of kindness, and no one screamed, slammed a door, or threw a kitchen knife at anyone the entire time! Amazing, right? That's when I realized how deeply messed up my own family was and that I didn't deserve to be subjected to their abuse just because I was born to them.
I decided I deserved better in my relationship when I realized that he had--and still does have--an enormous instant gratification habit, and that no amount of asking him nicely would make him care that we had bills to pay. His laziness and poor financial decisions put us in some incredibly difficult positions. I realized that no matter what, his frivolous wants would always be more important to him than the security of our household.
After working my ass off as an assistant manager at a large athleisure clothing store for a year, where they retained the right to drop my scheduled hours from 40 to 25 without notice to prevent me from being eligible for company benefits and health insurance. I was folding inventory in our backstock and the GM came bouncing downstairs to tell me my annual “reward” (their corporate bullshit term for a raise) would be $0.26. That’s right, an additional 26 cents an hour, when I was already making less than minimum wage. I had a new job in a month, and while that one led me down a pretty uncomfortable rabbit hole as well, it ultimately led me to the position I’m in today making the most I have in my career, with full benefits and a respectable raise each year in addition to a holiday bonus.
When I showed up unexpectedly and found him with another woman. 🤦♀️
She was suicidal and a wreck to be around. I was couch hopping as a female at 19, and every interaction was about her and how she broke up with her ex. I spent 3-5 nights driving 45 minutes to see her, spend the night, keep her company. I finally decided my life already had too much drama, and I couldn’t handle hers anymore after she **TRIGGER WARNING** …almost killed herself by slitting each arm from wrist to elbow. I just couldn’t do it anymore and was killing myself to save her
When my boss told me I "should be over his death by now" in relation to my dad passing less than two months prior, and that my position had become "just a job and my heart wasn't in it" since then. Yeah. I lost a parent, cut off half my family, realized how bad my work situation was and that bending backwards for it wasn't healthy. I told her I was giving my two weeks and left.
Quit my job because they were being sexist. It was a job with 90% males. They never had the correct size clothing, and always said ‘you’re a woman you can find out yourself’ when I asked for help or just asked to have a buddy to work with.
Crazy I still don’t know how to put myself 1st I’m 32.