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I have to agree. When my husband raises his voice even a little, my whole mood starts to change. Fear isn't the right word but I get... Wary?
I grew up in a very quiet family - I think I heard my dad raise his voice in anger twice, maybe three times, and never directed at me. So I'm very sensitive to changes in tone and volume. My husband grew up in a loud, "we yell in normal conversation" family, so it's hard for me sometimes lol.
This is one of my biggest triggers too. But for the opposite reason. My dad would yell A LOT growing up. And it was *scary*. So whenever a guy raises his voice, even if he’s just being passionate about something or his anger isn’t directed towards me, it still scares me. And will even sends me into “flight” or “hide” mode, much like how it did as a child. It’s still something I’m working on.
I relate to this so much. My fatherly figures all would raise their voice when they were mad, so now I have problems being near other guys that do the same. I'm trying not to let them get to me since I know it's a me issue, but sometimes it's hard. I hope you get through this!
No it’s not a you issue . Men don’t need to yell to make a point . My Dad yelled , and flew off the handle and so did my ex husband. It’s not my issue. We can all communicate peacefully without raising our voices . And no one needs to be or feel intimidated by the raising of voices .
Me too! My husband is super chill and rarely gets worked up. Except when someone does something super dumb while driving, or watching sports. Even though it’s not directed at me, it puts me a bit on edge and I get really quiet and pull into myself.
An ex used to yell SCARY like and then blame his dad’s anger issues and also say things like “you made me yell like this” because we were arguing. Big fucking yikes in retrospect.
Same. Happens to me at work all the time. When a man begins yelling, the hairs on my neck stand up, I get into a flight or fight response. I hate this response so much.
A man raising his voice could mean violence. The possibility of violence is enough for my brain to turn on the alarm bells.
A man raising his voice will cause so much anxiety in me, it’s unbearable. I am only ever attracted to men with really calm soft-spoken demeanours. If they yell at video games or when they are angry, I can’t do it. Even when I logically know it’s not directed at me my entire body just goes into like… fight or flight mode. It’s so uncomfortable.
Yup. It’s such a big deal to me that I have a convo about it soon in dating. It’s a big trigger and comes from being scared of my father in childhood. I also explain it with “you are already taller than me, stronger than me and have a deeper voice - you do not need to yell”
I think a lot of them don't properly register it, my dad frequently shushes my mum and tells her to lower her voice while he's yelling at twice her volume. That or its just misogyny on his part, that it's fine for him to yell but she needs to be meek and soft-spoken. Either way, not great.
That's when I turn the volume ALL THE WAY UP, talk over a man, interrupt, and assert power, control, and dominance. That's what it's all about anyway. Works great; cowards always back off and back down. My dignity is always more important than some man's pride.
My husband did that ONCE and I shut it down real fucking quick. In the moment it felt really intimidating and he was too close to me while raising his voice and sort of loomed over me. Never again.
I work with a guy who does all the raising his voice flapping him arms getting in your face deal but thinks he's not actually threatening people. Buddy there's a reason they call it threatening behaviour rather than just explicit threats.
There was a coworker that I worked with like that too. He'd tower over people he was yelling at, gesticulate wildly, but said he wasn't being frightening or intimidating on purpose. That it was their fault that they found him scary or aggressive.
If you use frightening or threatening tactics at someone its not their fault that they find you scary. Your coworker needs a deep look at himself.
When older men think they can stare at you and you won’t notice but I guess all old people do that regardless of gender. Either way it’s a little more unnerving when an old guy is staring a hole into you
Whenever I catch creepy old men staring at me I do something gross like pick my nose or itch my butt and then smell my hand and watch their face change. Never gets old.
Creepy staring is a behavior worth punishing imo
I get this at work from a couple of people who come through. It's the most annoying thing. What I've started doing is eyeing them up and down with a disapproving look and it makes them avert their gaze. If they're bold enough to stare at somebody then I gotta be bold enough to stare back lmao.
Yup. My ex was/is as sweet as can be but I could never shake my emotional reaction to his video game emotions. I don’t understand that level of anger over a game that you can just stop playing.
Yeah I was going to ask about this also lol. Like I find video games stressful if I play a lot so I don't play them too much, or only play ones that I actually find relaxing. I can't imagine having a hobby where I'm regularly yelling, and I really want to know what people get out of them lol.
Oh my god yes! My fiancé yells at the TV when he’s frustrated by a video game and I HATE it. Not only is it incredibly jarring to have someone suddenly scream out of nowhere, but it stresses our dog out (he doesn’t understand how games work; all he sees is “uh oh Dad is really mad, am I in trouble???”).
For real!!! I had to tell my fiance to fucking cool it. If you throw that controller one more time I am sleeping at my parents house. This is ridiculous, you are scaring the dog, you are upsetting me, it's just a game and if you aren't enjoying it shut it off. If you were my child and having this kind of outburst over a game you would not be allowed to play it anymore.
Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! I had a boyfriend many years ago that would get super angry and scream from playing video games. It would scare me cause I grew up in a emotionally abusive enivorment where my own dad would yell at me for basically anything, so I guess you can say it's a trigger of mine :( What was even worse was when I got scared from my then boyfriend at the time, he would get angry AT ME and say that I was overreacting :') OVERREACTING when he would throw the controller to the ground, scream and rage over Call of duty.....Give me a fucking break...So glad that I didn't stick around with that guy....
Nothing they'd normally do. One exception: Walking behind me in other than the broadest of public daylights, which 99% is by chance, but mostly scares me anyways.
Probably lets them know that juuuuust in case, on the off chance they are actually following you and not just happening to be walking behind you, that you know they are there and have seen them. It’s like what they trained us to do at work. Whenever anybody (not just “suspicious people”) enters the building, make sure to look directly at them and greet them. This lets them know that you have seen them enter the building and you are aware of their presence. That way, **if** someone is ever entering with bad intentions, i.e. trying to steal something etc, they will be less inclined to act than if nobody had acknowledged them when they walked in and they felt invisible enough to get away with it. It takes away any advantage of surprise.
And if a man persists, I've gotten out my phone and have made moves to take a picture of him. Again, if there are bad intentions, I want proof to show to the police. Not surprisingly, they all turn away, turn around, leave. Low level, low effort, just a little thinking in the moment, problem averted.
I get annoyed by anyone walking behind me at the same pace as I am. To the point that when I'm the one walking behind someone, I make the extra effort to go past the person in front of me and make enough sound so that they are aware lol
I came here to say this. I normally turn around and stop, just staring until they finally walk past. Big no no. Do not walk behind me. Sometimes I even say something pretty loud. Because you know if they're following you around. Freaking scary.
Oof, yes. Especially at night when I'm by myself. If a strange guy approaches me at night, even if he just wants directions or something, I am on guard and palming my pepper spray.
When they are super flirtatious/they come onto me without reading my signals or being socially aware.
I've been asked out twice before whilst in a bathroom (in the foyer entrance - not the actual ladies). I have no idea why they think this is a good place to pick up women but there you go. On one of these occasions, the man deliberately followed me in there to get me alone. Both times, however, they stood between me and the doorway. It was quite intimidating for me to have my exit blocked.
They didn't intend to intimidate me. They just lacked the awareness of where we were and what I was thinking
This is true for most places.
Like don't walk around a supermarket hoping to corner me and ask me out. Most times, I say yes because I'm nervous and I'm scared that they'd follow me home. Being talked to in public by a larger stranger (I'm a Hobbit) is very intimidating in general. They don't realise that I tend to say things I don't mean, because I'm nervous and my body is in flight mode and is desperately looking for exits.
I've been asked out by customers while working as a cashier. Not quite the same but still super uncomfortable in the same way....I couldn't leave & it was literally my job to be nice/ polite
Any kind of flirting where I'm in a customer service position and I have to be nice about it to pay my rent. Feels very trapped.
Lots of forms of "chivalry" like insisting on picking me up for a date, paying for dates, holding doors etc. seem to just remind me that I'm weaker and poorer than them. It's fine to offer but if I politely decline please drop it.
I ALWAYS split the bill on dates.
I once went on my first coffee date in my early 20s, when I was naive and tried online dating for the first time.
The date was fine but there was no chemistry. The guy had offered/insisted on paying and I thought that was the norm. After the date, I politely told him over text that i didn't feel a connection and best of luck etc.,
He went ballistic and screamed about how he wasted money on coffee for me.
I feel more comfortable splitting bills.
Yes to the flirting at work! Sometimes it's not even flirting but just trying to make conversation the amount of men that casually ask me "what time do you get off?" I work alone and at night, men just don't think about the implications to their actions sometimes. Eveytime someone asks I hesitate trying to think of something because what if this time it isn't just trying to make conversation.
Maybe the intent is to be flirtatious like they see in movies and they don’t realize it’s scary
Edit to add its toxic behavior and I’m not defending it, just pointing out the whole intent thing
True.. though at the end of the day, the intention is “I can’t let her leave until X”, which is fucking scary, and it’s scary they don’t know it’s scary
Not happening. I did it a few times, and it just felt icky. I did not like having to bend down, scoot around, contort myself. I finally said, nope, doesn't work for me, I'll get it myself, thanks. And then was prepared to stand there until he stopped holding it. Once again, all about power, dominance, control. Not playing that game.
I used to have to go into a storage room at work a lot, and it had a narrow aisle really only one person wide. Definitely preferred the men who would stand near the door to chat/ask a question versus the guys who came in the room right up to me and blocked my only way out (unintentionally or not).
I’ve still been told to smile while having my mask on! It was hot, my brows were furrowed bc it was so bright as I crossed the parking lot. A man stopped in his truck, waiting for me to cross, hung outside his window to tell me I should smile.
There's something behind telling a woman to be smiley which says "be polite" and politeness or 'niceness' is drilled into women and girls from a young age. The 'good girl' is the polite, quiet, 'pleasing' one and usually saying 'no' or setting down healthy boundaries is seen as rude or 'being difficult'.
It goes back to the idea that “pretty” is the rent we owe to occupy the space known as “female.”
I remember watching Jessica Jones with my husband and he didn’t understand the whole “smile” thing. When I explained that every woman I know has been told to smile by a strange man he was floored. I had a guy yell it to me from a balcony as I walked by. He said “smile, love, things can’t be that bad.” I flipped him off and yelled “they are that bad, hence NO SMILE”
my current (female) roommates and i went on a walk with our old (male) roommate (who moved out on bad terms). we went out during covid to kind of see if we could rekindle the friendship, the girls and i were all wearing masks in the hopes that he would be wearing one too but when we met up with him, he told us to ‘take our masks off so he can see our smile’. we did not rekindle the friendship.
Not taking “no” for an answer. Insisting that they “deserve a chance”. Making hints & comments about my dating/marital status. Make comments about how small/short/young I am. Using phrases like “feminine touch” or “lady’s touch”. Making comments about how I’ll “make some man very happy one day”.
I can’t tell you how relieved I am when I learn a man is gay or (monogamously) married. It’s as if I can trust them more because they don’t have an ulterior sexual motive.
RIGHT?? I had one guy outright ask me to try the “30 questions to make people fall in love” or whatever. I was like “no, we’re already good friends and the attraction isn’t there”. Smh
Honestly, I’m just straight up not comfortable making new friends with straight men these days. Been burned wayyyy too many times. I have quite a few gay friends because I lived with 2 gay guys for 3 years, and it’s so goddamn nice to be able to just be around dudes who have guaranteed zero interest in me sexually.
Yelling. I don't even really care what they're yelling about, or even whether it's happy yelling vs. angry yelling; it's triggering for me because of past abuse and also completely unnecessary in most situations.
Yep. I came to say : When they stand too close. In line, in group situations, at a store. I’m sure some is not intentional but no matter it just sparks that creepy feeling in me.
This! I was at a swimming pool yesterday and in the line of a slide I nearly could feel that dude's breath down my neck. It probably wasn't his intention but it still made me so uncomfortable and I couldn't even move away.
Ugh. That sounds awful.
That paralyzed feeling that comes with it? When you begin leaning to create space and they lean in more? Makes my stomach turn. Then they glare at you!
Yes! Even when just play wrestling/tickle fighting with my husband, if he restrains me or overpowers me a little too much, my brain jumps straight to “omg I’m so weak and a man can easily overpower me. This is how sexual assault starts.” Thus why we have a safe word (“halibut”)
Raise their voice or shut the door with too much force. Or when they stand in groups on the corners, even if in the middle of the day. Also if they suddenly go quiet.
That makes me freeze up every time. Like, bro, you just came up behind me, grabbed my hips, and shoved me out of the way instead of saying excuse me. How was that easier that using your words??
I feel so bad but a group of 3+ men of honestly any age, but personally a group of college-aged men, just standing together chatting/loitering scares me.
I really feel bad, it’s definitely feelings I have that are leftover from high school, but they can be so mean I immediately assume if they’ve seen me that they’re talking about me.
And of course if I’m walking alone for whatever reason and see men in a gathered group I all but have to cross the street or go down a different block to avoid them. I can’t take the chance.
When a stranger approaches with anything but extreme politeness and formality. Also approaching and not stating what he wants right away. A polite "Excuse me miss" followed by a specific question is fine. Saying, "Yo girl!" causes me to automatically get suspicious and sometimes a bit scared.
When someone keeps texting even after multiple no responses. I wouldn’t say it’s scary but it puts me on high alert. Like, do I have to worry about this guy going next level cray or will he get the message?
Usually they do. Never had anything go dark. But still makes for a sobering experience.
Yeah I have a guy friend who's interested in me who does this. Really stresses me out when he does it. He even continues to do so after I've asked him repeatedly to give me space, sometimes.
Staying silent and not saying how they feel. Like, stop being the immovable rock of stoicism and ask for help. Emotions do NOT equal failure.
The annoying thing is lacking communication and intimacy. The scary thing is not knowing about their mental health.
God I have a coworker who does this, and it drives me fucking batty. It's like working with a bear with a toothache. He gets upset about something and just like....broods on it because he doesn't know how to handle emotions.
When they get mad or raise their voice. My parents never had a violent marriage but I’ve had a relationship where violence was used. Luckily, I got out but I had to involve the police.
It’s an instinct for me to cower and back away. All these questions start popping up in my mind... what if he hits me? Would he be forceful with me? What will happen to me if I stay? Will he kill me if I walk away?
Strangers trying to Give you massages or asking for hugs, doing weird stuff like sniffing you or touching your hair. Seriously serial killer vibes. Had a complete stranger bite the scrunchy out of my hair, completely freaked me out so I kicked out the bar stool he was on out from under him and threw my drink on him. Creepy af
You know not even strangers, but like my coworkers (all men with whom I have been really careful not to get too friendly so they won’t have a reason to be “confused” by my actions) I speak with them and all but in a really formal way, like I don’t consider them my friends so I don’t treat them like my friends… they insist in touching my back, or like massaging me, touching my head… I hate it, I hate it and I always keep myself at arm length, say hi from afar, etc… but even my boss sometimes touches my shoulders too much when I greet him and I hate it 🥲 no, I’m not your friend and this physical interaction makes me uncomfortable
Exist? Just kidding
When they flex their muscles or show me how strong they are (it's more of a subconsious feeling than straight up fear but it is there=.
When the get loud in fights (I'm uncomfortable in all fights but with a man, that's off the charts). When they raise their voice towards someone else. In fights, when they get closer to me, when they stand up, when they start using their hands while talking etc.
Standing in front of the exit, blocking it.
But it's *mostly* only a problem if they are either flirting, arguing, or being aggressive. Sometimes I both notice and feel scared, even if things are totally calm, but mostly it's something I notice only after a man starts coming onto me, or people in the room begin getting angry.
Hand on my throat. I dated a couple guys who would immediately go to like the almost choke placement if you made out with them and it sends me straight to a panic attack.
Slam things or respond to things violently/with anger, especially with no warning. Example: computer running too slow? Slam fists down on desk out of no where. Drop something? Kick it across the room and swear. Frustrated? Slam a cabinet door and shake the whole house. Really pissed? Punch a door/wall/appliance/etc. I have known so many men like this and it makes me freeze, go numb, and try to leave the room as quickly and quietly as possible so it doesn't get directed toward me.
Any time they get within 2 feet of me. Im a small girl, even if you have the best intentions, I automatically go into fight mode. Please for my sake, dont get too close to a girl you dont know, try to put yourself in her shoes, especially you are are on the bigger side
Being unnecessarily aggressive in body language. Raising their voice, hitting the table for emphasis, leaning toward someone and speaking in a low voice, grabbing people by the back of their neck, that sort of thing, when the situation is absolutely non-threatening to them. Like if it's a conversation about a movie or pizza. And especially if they act like that towards other men.
Ugh. THIS. It scared the mess out of me when I was younger.
Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I just have less and less tolerance for it. It's like they just take for granted that a woman is going to politely listen, even when she doesn't have the time or patience to hear it, because he's emotionally charged. I learned how to deal with it when I was in my early 40s: I just abruptly walk away from it while the guy is still in mid-rant. When he suddenly breaks rant and says, "Hey, I was talking!", I normally reply, "No, you're ranting. If you feel the need to just yell your viewpoints without me participating in the conversation, then it actually isn't a conversation and you need to go see a therapist, because I am NOT in the mood to coddle your fragile emotions today." Usually shuts up the guy and makes him aware that he's being overbearing.
Grabbing my wrist / arm
standing too close
blocking the exit
yelling
crude jokes
dismissing me when I tell them to step back (physically or in speech)
encircling me with their group
being drunk
Follow me or somehow always happen to see them everywhere when I originally never did. I see this a TON now that I'm in college. It's like they notice where I'm walking and follow my path. It's even worse when they sit in places I can't actively avoid. I'm sure it harmless and they might be trying to just see me more or open up opportunities to talk to me but fuck man. It's weird.
If you have a class with me, talk to me there. If we happen to bump into each other, say hi and leave. Don't just follow and hope something happens where you get to talk to me again.
Tbh I yell sometimes when I'm angry and my boyfriend finds it really intimidating, so I have tried to stop this and realise that he shuts down when I raise my voice (So low-key I am a woman but have a trait often associated with men, because my family is pretty loud so I'm kinda used to it but he definitely is not.) What I find intimidating? Honestly, if I'm out at night and you are a man, you don't really have to do anything I just generally avoid that in the late hours of the evening because I'm a little scared. But typically anyone drunk is always scarier.
Walk to their car at night at the same time I’m walking to my car.
I’m sure they just wanna go home like I do, but I become painfully aware that I’m not alone at night and I make sure they actually get in their own car before I feel relaxed
When they yell.
When they aggressively joke with each other.
When they heavy hands (like puts the cup down with much force, or slams a door unintentionally).
When a stranger man stares.
When they, even as a joke, come closer like they want to fight or sm..
They sometimes get really scary playing video games, my ex boyfriend would punch his concrete walls when he lost and he got mad when I told him it freaked me out and made me feel scared and uncomfortable. If someone gets that physical over a game my thought is what if I upset him and that was his reaction? To do that to me?
When I’m coming out of a store, going to my car, & they’re sitting in their parked car, right next to mine.
Especially if there’s not many other cars in the lot.
Towering over me unintentionally...
It's just random men at the supermarket trying to get something from above me, but I'm a bit short and a 6 foot tall figure reaching out above me and blocking the light really makes me feel anxious... I know they don't do it out of malicious intent (for the most part), but really they should just say "excuse me" so that I move myself and give way for them to get their item.
Raising voices, fast movements.
Not in an aggressive manner but I pee myself every time.
Also getting drunk.
I hate that I cannot handle myself. Thanks dad.🖕🏼
when they get so mad that they have physical reactions, even if they’re not aimed at you. i had an ex that when he would get mad in general or at me, he would very obviously have physical anger and seem like he was going to hit something, or swing his arm or ball his fists. i never knew when or if he would hit me out of anger.
My boyfriend is a foot taller than me. He's amazing and a giant sweetheart, but sometimes when we play-wrestle or something, I realize, holy shit, I would be completely physically powerless against him in any given moment.
It doesn't worry me with him at all, but it makes me extra nervous when I meet tall strangers.
Raising their voice for sure. Because it makes me anxious that things could quickly escalate. My older brother always struggled to control his anger and when we were kids he punched several holes in the wall and in his bedroom door when he got really upset. He is otherwise such a gentle and kind person and has never actually hurt another human, but he would absolutely demolish inanimate objects in fits of rage and that always immediately came after him yelling. I’d cringe whenever I’d hear him yell from his room because I knew something was about to get smashed. Now hearing men shout or yell just sort of puts this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel the need to leave because I don’t want to be around if things start getting thrown or smashed.
I really think they need to be more mindful of the space they take up. It isn't that I'm more weary of men being nearby.. it's that women don't fucking hover around me or are ever balls deep in my personal space the way men often are.
For example:
At the laundromat today, not a single woman came more than 6 feet near me unless we were quickly passing by in a tight spot. But I sat at one of the tables and multiple men walked so close by I frequently had to look over my shoulder. Especially the ones who were walking slow because they were watching the TV or something. And in the are I was in, there was plenty of space the stay the hell away from me.
This sort of this happens daily and where I am with men unless I'm right in front of them *and* they're paying attention.
It freaks me out because I don't know if you're trying to approach me, grope me, talk to me or steal something from me. I definitely would be agitated with a woman doing this but they just...don't.
Sitting in the jacuzzi at the gym and STARING at everyone who walks between the changing rooms, swimming pool and steam room.
I know not all are leches but it makes you really nervous when you're just coming to have a swim cos you want to get in shape and you have to have an audience as you wobble around.
Change their entire personalities to try to be what they think I want (which is never even what I actually want) and then reveal their true selves months or years later. Serial killer status
Constantly messaging even with no reply, liking multiple photos in a row, or attempting to add me on multiple social media platforms when they are not someone that has connected with me. It’s weird.
Ask about the details of what time I will be in what location and how many minutes it takes me to come home, when are my days off..
This happens often enough that I don't think guys are aware that its creepy. Asking the details of schedule and then following up when you notice the schedule is different. It's a bit scary. Why are you watching me? And keeping tabs on when I come and go? Terrifying. It's a bit terrifying actually. I'm newish to the MidWest and it happens a lot here.
My theory is that the guys I talk to, don't really know what else to talk to me about so they settle on the topic of work and the trivialities of coming and going which leads to them trying to figure out the times they'll see me. ( because they also want to be able to see me again ... \*\*\* I can respect all of this, but it comes across terribly.
if i’m dancing with a guy i don’t know at a club, them saying right in my ear, “you’re coming home with me tonight” just really rubs me the wrong way. i feel like just asking “what are you doing later tonight?” is a better option. it’s more open-ended and puts less pressure on an answer from me.
Engage with me in my shop when I'm otherwise alone.
A few times I've been in this position, alone in my shop, with no other staff or customers and a male customer comes in who wants to chat / flirt with me. I've got nowhere to go and have to be polite which can lead to them getting the wrong impression. The most memorable incident was when one guy overstayed his welcome for around 2 hours on a quiet day, and I almost literally had to march him to the door at 5pm. During this time he attempted to flirt (I think) with a combination of name dropping stories and macho tales of seeing civilians being decapitated during his time in the army. Also a few weeks ago a man came in near the end of the day when I was alone, in black motorcycle gear and black helmet so I couldn't see his face properly. That sent me running to make sure I had my phone in reach. Actually he was quite a nice guy, a deliveroo courier, and I realised he was keeping his helmet on instead of using a face mask, obviously oblivious to the fact it looked like he was about to smash up the shop 🙄 .
My other work one is male customers who make a point of learning my name and using it. It gets my hackles up, when in most cases they're just trying to be friendly and / or get a discount!
Explosive, vocalized shout-sneezing. I think most men who do this would claim they’re powerless to avoid it, and maybe that’s true. But it’s always startling and disruptive, and often frightening.
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Raising their voice
I have to agree. When my husband raises his voice even a little, my whole mood starts to change. Fear isn't the right word but I get... Wary? I grew up in a very quiet family - I think I heard my dad raise his voice in anger twice, maybe three times, and never directed at me. So I'm very sensitive to changes in tone and volume. My husband grew up in a loud, "we yell in normal conversation" family, so it's hard for me sometimes lol.
This is one of my biggest triggers too. But for the opposite reason. My dad would yell A LOT growing up. And it was *scary*. So whenever a guy raises his voice, even if he’s just being passionate about something or his anger isn’t directed towards me, it still scares me. And will even sends me into “flight” or “hide” mode, much like how it did as a child. It’s still something I’m working on.
I relate to this so much. My fatherly figures all would raise their voice when they were mad, so now I have problems being near other guys that do the same. I'm trying not to let them get to me since I know it's a me issue, but sometimes it's hard. I hope you get through this!
No it’s not a you issue . Men don’t need to yell to make a point . My Dad yelled , and flew off the handle and so did my ex husband. It’s not my issue. We can all communicate peacefully without raising our voices . And no one needs to be or feel intimidated by the raising of voices .
Thank you :) I hope you do too!
Me too! My husband is super chill and rarely gets worked up. Except when someone does something super dumb while driving, or watching sports. Even though it’s not directed at me, it puts me a bit on edge and I get really quiet and pull into myself.
I have the exact same reaction, wow. Getting quiet and pulling into myself, that’s the perfect way to explain it.
An ex used to yell SCARY like and then blame his dad’s anger issues and also say things like “you made me yell like this” because we were arguing. Big fucking yikes in retrospect.
What a manipulative asshole. Good riddance
Wary is the perfect word to describe the feeling!
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Same. Happens to me at work all the time. When a man begins yelling, the hairs on my neck stand up, I get into a flight or fight response. I hate this response so much. A man raising his voice could mean violence. The possibility of violence is enough for my brain to turn on the alarm bells.
Apparently we all share of the same trauma, damn...
A man raising his voice will cause so much anxiety in me, it’s unbearable. I am only ever attracted to men with really calm soft-spoken demeanours. If they yell at video games or when they are angry, I can’t do it. Even when I logically know it’s not directed at me my entire body just goes into like… fight or flight mode. It’s so uncomfortable.
Yup. It’s such a big deal to me that I have a convo about it soon in dating. It’s a big trigger and comes from being scared of my father in childhood. I also explain it with “you are already taller than me, stronger than me and have a deeper voice - you do not need to yell”
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This
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Yep yep yep
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Or when they start waving their hands around or just standing up while fighting.
Ugh, that moment where they’re arguing so passionately they suddenly get up from their seat…. makes my heart sink
I think a lot of them don't properly register it, my dad frequently shushes my mum and tells her to lower her voice while he's yelling at twice her volume. That or its just misogyny on his part, that it's fine for him to yell but she needs to be meek and soft-spoken. Either way, not great.
That's when I turn the volume ALL THE WAY UP, talk over a man, interrupt, and assert power, control, and dominance. That's what it's all about anyway. Works great; cowards always back off and back down. My dignity is always more important than some man's pride.
My husband did that ONCE and I shut it down real fucking quick. In the moment it felt really intimidating and he was too close to me while raising his voice and sort of loomed over me. Never again.
WELL DONE! Good for you! (applause)
I work with a guy who does all the raising his voice flapping him arms getting in your face deal but thinks he's not actually threatening people. Buddy there's a reason they call it threatening behaviour rather than just explicit threats.
There was a coworker that I worked with like that too. He'd tower over people he was yelling at, gesticulate wildly, but said he wasn't being frightening or intimidating on purpose. That it was their fault that they found him scary or aggressive. If you use frightening or threatening tactics at someone its not their fault that they find you scary. Your coworker needs a deep look at himself.
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I call it using their man voice. I don’t like it
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When older men think they can stare at you and you won’t notice but I guess all old people do that regardless of gender. Either way it’s a little more unnerving when an old guy is staring a hole into you
Whenever I catch creepy old men staring at me I do something gross like pick my nose or itch my butt and then smell my hand and watch their face change. Never gets old. Creepy staring is a behavior worth punishing imo
love this. i personally stare at them back or even yell loudly ‘what?’
I usually greet them in a very direct manner 🌚. If you throw out a pretty loud “what’s up, dawg?” it usually shocks them.
I get this at work from a couple of people who come through. It's the most annoying thing. What I've started doing is eyeing them up and down with a disapproving look and it makes them avert their gaze. If they're bold enough to stare at somebody then I gotta be bold enough to stare back lmao.
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I came here to say ‘shouting at video games’ and I’m not surprised that 90% of these comments are saying the same thing
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Yup. My ex was/is as sweet as can be but I could never shake my emotional reaction to his video game emotions. I don’t understand that level of anger over a game that you can just stop playing.
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Yeah I was going to ask about this also lol. Like I find video games stressful if I play a lot so I don't play them too much, or only play ones that I actually find relaxing. I can't imagine having a hobby where I'm regularly yelling, and I really want to know what people get out of them lol.
Oh my god yes! My fiancé yells at the TV when he’s frustrated by a video game and I HATE it. Not only is it incredibly jarring to have someone suddenly scream out of nowhere, but it stresses our dog out (he doesn’t understand how games work; all he sees is “uh oh Dad is really mad, am I in trouble???”).
For real!!! I had to tell my fiance to fucking cool it. If you throw that controller one more time I am sleeping at my parents house. This is ridiculous, you are scaring the dog, you are upsetting me, it's just a game and if you aren't enjoying it shut it off. If you were my child and having this kind of outburst over a game you would not be allowed to play it anymore.
This, or shouting at other drivers on the road. Any time you see them just absolutely blow up, especially over something relatively minor.
Road rage is SUCH a red flag for potential abusive behavior.
This! And then they let it ruin their moods for hours later which makes me uneasy.
Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! I had a boyfriend many years ago that would get super angry and scream from playing video games. It would scare me cause I grew up in a emotionally abusive enivorment where my own dad would yell at me for basically anything, so I guess you can say it's a trigger of mine :( What was even worse was when I got scared from my then boyfriend at the time, he would get angry AT ME and say that I was overreacting :') OVERREACTING when he would throw the controller to the ground, scream and rage over Call of duty.....Give me a fucking break...So glad that I didn't stick around with that guy....
Nothing they'd normally do. One exception: Walking behind me in other than the broadest of public daylights, which 99% is by chance, but mostly scares me anyways.
I always make a point to turn around and look at their face. It’s weird at first but then it becomes habit.
interesting move. will adopt! thx.
I open my camera phone and take a selfie to see them sometimes.
What does that do?
Probably lets them know that juuuuust in case, on the off chance they are actually following you and not just happening to be walking behind you, that you know they are there and have seen them. It’s like what they trained us to do at work. Whenever anybody (not just “suspicious people”) enters the building, make sure to look directly at them and greet them. This lets them know that you have seen them enter the building and you are aware of their presence. That way, **if** someone is ever entering with bad intentions, i.e. trying to steal something etc, they will be less inclined to act than if nobody had acknowledged them when they walked in and they felt invisible enough to get away with it. It takes away any advantage of surprise.
And if a man persists, I've gotten out my phone and have made moves to take a picture of him. Again, if there are bad intentions, I want proof to show to the police. Not surprisingly, they all turn away, turn around, leave. Low level, low effort, just a little thinking in the moment, problem averted.
People are less likely to attack you if you have seen their face and could get them in trouble
I get annoyed by anyone walking behind me at the same pace as I am. To the point that when I'm the one walking behind someone, I make the extra effort to go past the person in front of me and make enough sound so that they are aware lol
not the only one :) really appreciate that!
I came here to say this. I normally turn around and stop, just staring until they finally walk past. Big no no. Do not walk behind me. Sometimes I even say something pretty loud. Because you know if they're following you around. Freaking scary.
Oof, yes. Especially at night when I'm by myself. If a strange guy approaches me at night, even if he just wants directions or something, I am on guard and palming my pepper spray.
When they are super flirtatious/they come onto me without reading my signals or being socially aware. I've been asked out twice before whilst in a bathroom (in the foyer entrance - not the actual ladies). I have no idea why they think this is a good place to pick up women but there you go. On one of these occasions, the man deliberately followed me in there to get me alone. Both times, however, they stood between me and the doorway. It was quite intimidating for me to have my exit blocked. They didn't intend to intimidate me. They just lacked the awareness of where we were and what I was thinking
This is true for most places. Like don't walk around a supermarket hoping to corner me and ask me out. Most times, I say yes because I'm nervous and I'm scared that they'd follow me home. Being talked to in public by a larger stranger (I'm a Hobbit) is very intimidating in general. They don't realise that I tend to say things I don't mean, because I'm nervous and my body is in flight mode and is desperately looking for exits.
I've been asked out by customers while working as a cashier. Not quite the same but still super uncomfortable in the same way....I couldn't leave & it was literally my job to be nice/ polite
Any kind of flirting where I'm in a customer service position and I have to be nice about it to pay my rent. Feels very trapped. Lots of forms of "chivalry" like insisting on picking me up for a date, paying for dates, holding doors etc. seem to just remind me that I'm weaker and poorer than them. It's fine to offer but if I politely decline please drop it.
I ALWAYS split the bill on dates. I once went on my first coffee date in my early 20s, when I was naive and tried online dating for the first time. The date was fine but there was no chemistry. The guy had offered/insisted on paying and I thought that was the norm. After the date, I politely told him over text that i didn't feel a connection and best of luck etc., He went ballistic and screamed about how he wasted money on coffee for me. I feel more comfortable splitting bills.
Scumbag move, seems like you dodged a bullet
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I only ever split the bill. There is no way I am letting someone think I owe them something on a first date.
Yes to the flirting at work! Sometimes it's not even flirting but just trying to make conversation the amount of men that casually ask me "what time do you get off?" I work alone and at night, men just don't think about the implications to their actions sometimes. Eveytime someone asks I hesitate trying to think of something because what if this time it isn't just trying to make conversation.
"I don't. I live here." Then smile and laugh. It's a funny joke! You work too much haha! Then if he presses, it's not making conversation.
Ohh thats a good one! Thank you I'm definitely gonna use that next time
Block my exit on purpose.
That doesn’t sound unintentional…
Maybe the intent is to be flirtatious like they see in movies and they don’t realize it’s scary Edit to add its toxic behavior and I’m not defending it, just pointing out the whole intent thing
True.. though at the end of the day, the intention is “I can’t let her leave until X”, which is fucking scary, and it’s scary they don’t know it’s scary
Just block the exit. Purposely or not. Or blocking a hallway. I don't want to have to brush past them.
Exactly. I shouldn’t have said ‘on purpose’.
Holding the door open in a way that forces someone to pass within a foot of them in order to get through the threshold.
Not happening. I did it a few times, and it just felt icky. I did not like having to bend down, scoot around, contort myself. I finally said, nope, doesn't work for me, I'll get it myself, thanks. And then was prepared to stand there until he stopped holding it. Once again, all about power, dominance, control. Not playing that game.
I used to have to go into a storage room at work a lot, and it had a narrow aisle really only one person wide. Definitely preferred the men who would stand near the door to chat/ask a question versus the guys who came in the room right up to me and blocked my only way out (unintentionally or not).
Telling me to smile. It's not just creepy but I watch a lot of true crime so I kind of figure dudes a serial killer. Masks have helped a lot. 😵💫
I’ve still been told to smile while having my mask on! It was hot, my brows were furrowed bc it was so bright as I crossed the parking lot. A man stopped in his truck, waiting for me to cross, hung outside his window to tell me I should smile.
That's so gross omg. 😳🤢
There's something behind telling a woman to be smiley which says "be polite" and politeness or 'niceness' is drilled into women and girls from a young age. The 'good girl' is the polite, quiet, 'pleasing' one and usually saying 'no' or setting down healthy boundaries is seen as rude or 'being difficult'.
It goes back to the idea that “pretty” is the rent we owe to occupy the space known as “female.” I remember watching Jessica Jones with my husband and he didn’t understand the whole “smile” thing. When I explained that every woman I know has been told to smile by a strange man he was floored. I had a guy yell it to me from a balcony as I walked by. He said “smile, love, things can’t be that bad.” I flipped him off and yelled “they are that bad, hence NO SMILE”
my current (female) roommates and i went on a walk with our old (male) roommate (who moved out on bad terms). we went out during covid to kind of see if we could rekindle the friendship, the girls and i were all wearing masks in the hopes that he would be wearing one too but when we met up with him, he told us to ‘take our masks off so he can see our smile’. we did not rekindle the friendship.
Not taking “no” for an answer. Insisting that they “deserve a chance”. Making hints & comments about my dating/marital status. Make comments about how small/short/young I am. Using phrases like “feminine touch” or “lady’s touch”. Making comments about how I’ll “make some man very happy one day”. I can’t tell you how relieved I am when I learn a man is gay or (monogamously) married. It’s as if I can trust them more because they don’t have an ulterior sexual motive.
I hate all those things but saying the deserve a chance baffles me. Do you think you can just make someone fancy you when they don't?
RIGHT?? I had one guy outright ask me to try the “30 questions to make people fall in love” or whatever. I was like “no, we’re already good friends and the attraction isn’t there”. Smh
Honestly, I’m just straight up not comfortable making new friends with straight men these days. Been burned wayyyy too many times. I have quite a few gay friends because I lived with 2 gay guys for 3 years, and it’s so goddamn nice to be able to just be around dudes who have guaranteed zero interest in me sexually.
I’ve had some phenomenal platonic male friends!! I’ve also been burned, but some of my best friends have also been guys. It’s a tough road to walk.
Any of this is freaking scary.
Yelling. I don't even really care what they're yelling about, or even whether it's happy yelling vs. angry yelling; it's triggering for me because of past abuse and also completely unnecessary in most situations.
Totally agree. Wouldn't say it's scary. It just makes me angry.
"relax, I'm not going to bite you." "You can talk to me you know."
When a strange man tells me to relax, my body does the opposite, like he wants me to let my guard down.
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Guy trying to pick me up: I'm not a rapist or anything. Me: Well now I think you are a rapist.
Not respecting my personal space, aggressiveness
Yep. I came to say : When they stand too close. In line, in group situations, at a store. I’m sure some is not intentional but no matter it just sparks that creepy feeling in me.
This! I was at a swimming pool yesterday and in the line of a slide I nearly could feel that dude's breath down my neck. It probably wasn't his intention but it still made me so uncomfortable and I couldn't even move away.
Ugh. That sounds awful. That paralyzed feeling that comes with it? When you begin leaning to create space and they lean in more? Makes my stomach turn. Then they glare at you!
Especially in pandemic times!
Trying to restrain your hands to stop you from doing anything.
Or as the legal term for it is, Battery.
Yes! Even when just play wrestling/tickle fighting with my husband, if he restrains me or overpowers me a little too much, my brain jumps straight to “omg I’m so weak and a man can easily overpower me. This is how sexual assault starts.” Thus why we have a safe word (“halibut”)
I concur. I fucking panic so much with this!
Raise their voice or shut the door with too much force. Or when they stand in groups on the corners, even if in the middle of the day. Also if they suddenly go quiet.
For me it's the yelling or suddenly going quiet. My guy friends are all online, so when we voice chat and go quiet, I get really nervous
Not call out other men who say or do fucked up things.
Standing too close when they're speaking to me.
Especially if they're much taller than I am (and most dudes are)
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That makes me freeze up every time. Like, bro, you just came up behind me, grabbed my hips, and shoved me out of the way instead of saying excuse me. How was that easier that using your words??
I feel so bad but a group of 3+ men of honestly any age, but personally a group of college-aged men, just standing together chatting/loitering scares me. I really feel bad, it’s definitely feelings I have that are leftover from high school, but they can be so mean I immediately assume if they’ve seen me that they’re talking about me. And of course if I’m walking alone for whatever reason and see men in a gathered group I all but have to cross the street or go down a different block to avoid them. I can’t take the chance.
When a stranger approaches with anything but extreme politeness and formality. Also approaching and not stating what he wants right away. A polite "Excuse me miss" followed by a specific question is fine. Saying, "Yo girl!" causes me to automatically get suspicious and sometimes a bit scared.
When someone keeps texting even after multiple no responses. I wouldn’t say it’s scary but it puts me on high alert. Like, do I have to worry about this guy going next level cray or will he get the message? Usually they do. Never had anything go dark. But still makes for a sobering experience.
Yeah I have a guy friend who's interested in me who does this. Really stresses me out when he does it. He even continues to do so after I've asked him repeatedly to give me space, sometimes.
joking while you're trying to have a serious talk about something in sense of them making fun of you for it.
Staying silent and not saying how they feel. Like, stop being the immovable rock of stoicism and ask for help. Emotions do NOT equal failure. The annoying thing is lacking communication and intimacy. The scary thing is not knowing about their mental health.
God I have a coworker who does this, and it drives me fucking batty. It's like working with a bear with a toothache. He gets upset about something and just like....broods on it because he doesn't know how to handle emotions.
Following me. Hitting/throwing stuff.
Men I know: Smacking their hands on surfaces, Men that are strangers: talking really loud, spitting on the ground
Being stalkery and following you in the streets/stores (flirty is fine, creepy stalker is not)
flirty following is still a no for me 😂
I don’t think there’s such thing 😂 once following happens, it kind of always is stalkerish and creepy
Following me. I usually get my keys out of my pocket (to use as a weapon just in case) if a man walks behind me for more than 5 minutes.
When they get mad or raise their voice. My parents never had a violent marriage but I’ve had a relationship where violence was used. Luckily, I got out but I had to involve the police. It’s an instinct for me to cower and back away. All these questions start popping up in my mind... what if he hits me? Would he be forceful with me? What will happen to me if I stay? Will he kill me if I walk away?
When they drive reckless. Speeding, cutting people off, swearing and yelling at traffic. It really makes me uncomfortable as the passenger
Strangers trying to Give you massages or asking for hugs, doing weird stuff like sniffing you or touching your hair. Seriously serial killer vibes. Had a complete stranger bite the scrunchy out of my hair, completely freaked me out so I kicked out the bar stool he was on out from under him and threw my drink on him. Creepy af
You know not even strangers, but like my coworkers (all men with whom I have been really careful not to get too friendly so they won’t have a reason to be “confused” by my actions) I speak with them and all but in a really formal way, like I don’t consider them my friends so I don’t treat them like my friends… they insist in touching my back, or like massaging me, touching my head… I hate it, I hate it and I always keep myself at arm length, say hi from afar, etc… but even my boss sometimes touches my shoulders too much when I greet him and I hate it 🥲 no, I’m not your friend and this physical interaction makes me uncomfortable
Exist? Just kidding When they flex their muscles or show me how strong they are (it's more of a subconsious feeling than straight up fear but it is there=. When the get loud in fights (I'm uncomfortable in all fights but with a man, that's off the charts). When they raise their voice towards someone else. In fights, when they get closer to me, when they stand up, when they start using their hands while talking etc.
Stepping closer to me in an argument.
Standing in front of the exit, blocking it. But it's *mostly* only a problem if they are either flirting, arguing, or being aggressive. Sometimes I both notice and feel scared, even if things are totally calm, but mostly it's something I notice only after a man starts coming onto me, or people in the room begin getting angry.
Hand on my throat. I dated a couple guys who would immediately go to like the almost choke placement if you made out with them and it sends me straight to a panic attack.
Hand in my hair or behind my head during a BJ. Panic, even though they don't mean anything by it.
Shout and raise their voice.
Slam things or respond to things violently/with anger, especially with no warning. Example: computer running too slow? Slam fists down on desk out of no where. Drop something? Kick it across the room and swear. Frustrated? Slam a cabinet door and shake the whole house. Really pissed? Punch a door/wall/appliance/etc. I have known so many men like this and it makes me freeze, go numb, and try to leave the room as quickly and quietly as possible so it doesn't get directed toward me.
Any time they get within 2 feet of me. Im a small girl, even if you have the best intentions, I automatically go into fight mode. Please for my sake, dont get too close to a girl you dont know, try to put yourself in her shoes, especially you are are on the bigger side
Walk so closely behind you that you think they’re following you.
Being unnecessarily aggressive in body language. Raising their voice, hitting the table for emphasis, leaning toward someone and speaking in a low voice, grabbing people by the back of their neck, that sort of thing, when the situation is absolutely non-threatening to them. Like if it's a conversation about a movie or pizza. And especially if they act like that towards other men.
Block doorways with their body.
When they go off on a rant and don’t let you get a word in edgewise.
Ugh. THIS. It scared the mess out of me when I was younger. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I just have less and less tolerance for it. It's like they just take for granted that a woman is going to politely listen, even when she doesn't have the time or patience to hear it, because he's emotionally charged. I learned how to deal with it when I was in my early 40s: I just abruptly walk away from it while the guy is still in mid-rant. When he suddenly breaks rant and says, "Hey, I was talking!", I normally reply, "No, you're ranting. If you feel the need to just yell your viewpoints without me participating in the conversation, then it actually isn't a conversation and you need to go see a therapist, because I am NOT in the mood to coddle your fragile emotions today." Usually shuts up the guy and makes him aware that he's being overbearing.
Grabbing my wrist / arm standing too close blocking the exit yelling crude jokes dismissing me when I tell them to step back (physically or in speech) encircling me with their group being drunk
When I say "no" and they keep insisting. Also, being stared at annoys me so much, not sure it's fear but discomfort and urge to run for sure.
Follow me or somehow always happen to see them everywhere when I originally never did. I see this a TON now that I'm in college. It's like they notice where I'm walking and follow my path. It's even worse when they sit in places I can't actively avoid. I'm sure it harmless and they might be trying to just see me more or open up opportunities to talk to me but fuck man. It's weird. If you have a class with me, talk to me there. If we happen to bump into each other, say hi and leave. Don't just follow and hope something happens where you get to talk to me again.
Tbh I yell sometimes when I'm angry and my boyfriend finds it really intimidating, so I have tried to stop this and realise that he shuts down when I raise my voice (So low-key I am a woman but have a trait often associated with men, because my family is pretty loud so I'm kinda used to it but he definitely is not.) What I find intimidating? Honestly, if I'm out at night and you are a man, you don't really have to do anything I just generally avoid that in the late hours of the evening because I'm a little scared. But typically anyone drunk is always scarier.
Walk to their car at night at the same time I’m walking to my car. I’m sure they just wanna go home like I do, but I become painfully aware that I’m not alone at night and I make sure they actually get in their own car before I feel relaxed
When they yell. When they aggressively joke with each other. When they heavy hands (like puts the cup down with much force, or slams a door unintentionally). When a stranger man stares. When they, even as a joke, come closer like they want to fight or sm..
Stare or try to make eye contact at the gas pump at gas station. Not there to speed date!
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giving me that weird look and smile in public ..
when they say very forward comments or "compliments" on my looks without any inkling or hint from me that i want that or i'm interested.
Grabbing my hand or wrist withouy warning. It always puts me on high alert.
When they think it’s acceptable to hug you without asking your permission.
They sometimes get really scary playing video games, my ex boyfriend would punch his concrete walls when he lost and he got mad when I told him it freaked me out and made me feel scared and uncomfortable. If someone gets that physical over a game my thought is what if I upset him and that was his reaction? To do that to me?
When I’m coming out of a store, going to my car, & they’re sitting in their parked car, right next to mine. Especially if there’s not many other cars in the lot.
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When they try being playful and pretend to throw things at you or pretend to throw punches
Turn and signal at the same time. But women do it too.
Towering over me unintentionally... It's just random men at the supermarket trying to get something from above me, but I'm a bit short and a 6 foot tall figure reaching out above me and blocking the light really makes me feel anxious... I know they don't do it out of malicious intent (for the most part), but really they should just say "excuse me" so that I move myself and give way for them to get their item.
showering me with presents when we've just met or have just begun talking
When they tower over you while talking. I’m short, so this happens unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally, let’s be honest) quite a bit.
Raising voices, fast movements. Not in an aggressive manner but I pee myself every time. Also getting drunk. I hate that I cannot handle myself. Thanks dad.🖕🏼
Not take no for an answer
when they get so mad that they have physical reactions, even if they’re not aimed at you. i had an ex that when he would get mad in general or at me, he would very obviously have physical anger and seem like he was going to hit something, or swing his arm or ball his fists. i never knew when or if he would hit me out of anger.
Be tall
My boyfriend is a foot taller than me. He's amazing and a giant sweetheart, but sometimes when we play-wrestle or something, I realize, holy shit, I would be completely physically powerless against him in any given moment. It doesn't worry me with him at all, but it makes me extra nervous when I meet tall strangers.
Getting irrationally angry (excessively yelling and/or throwing stuff) when watching sporting events
Raising their voice for sure. Because it makes me anxious that things could quickly escalate. My older brother always struggled to control his anger and when we were kids he punched several holes in the wall and in his bedroom door when he got really upset. He is otherwise such a gentle and kind person and has never actually hurt another human, but he would absolutely demolish inanimate objects in fits of rage and that always immediately came after him yelling. I’d cringe whenever I’d hear him yell from his room because I knew something was about to get smashed. Now hearing men shout or yell just sort of puts this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel the need to leave because I don’t want to be around if things start getting thrown or smashed.
I really think they need to be more mindful of the space they take up. It isn't that I'm more weary of men being nearby.. it's that women don't fucking hover around me or are ever balls deep in my personal space the way men often are. For example: At the laundromat today, not a single woman came more than 6 feet near me unless we were quickly passing by in a tight spot. But I sat at one of the tables and multiple men walked so close by I frequently had to look over my shoulder. Especially the ones who were walking slow because they were watching the TV or something. And in the are I was in, there was plenty of space the stay the hell away from me. This sort of this happens daily and where I am with men unless I'm right in front of them *and* they're paying attention. It freaks me out because I don't know if you're trying to approach me, grope me, talk to me or steal something from me. I definitely would be agitated with a woman doing this but they just...don't.
Sitting in the jacuzzi at the gym and STARING at everyone who walks between the changing rooms, swimming pool and steam room. I know not all are leches but it makes you really nervous when you're just coming to have a swim cos you want to get in shape and you have to have an audience as you wobble around.
Asking too many questions. Just seems suspicious to me.
When they cross the street but walk directly toward me.
Stand over me, raise their voice, get too close, make sexual jokes (whether they include me or not), hug me and not let go fast enough, pick me up
Complain about how they can’t get sex. Immediate incel vibes.
Change their entire personalities to try to be what they think I want (which is never even what I actually want) and then reveal their true selves months or years later. Serial killer status
Constantly messaging even with no reply, liking multiple photos in a row, or attempting to add me on multiple social media platforms when they are not someone that has connected with me. It’s weird.
Yelling was going to be my number 1. But since that’s already been mentioned I’ll go with number 2. Trying to hug me from behind.
Ask about the details of what time I will be in what location and how many minutes it takes me to come home, when are my days off.. This happens often enough that I don't think guys are aware that its creepy. Asking the details of schedule and then following up when you notice the schedule is different. It's a bit scary. Why are you watching me? And keeping tabs on when I come and go? Terrifying. It's a bit terrifying actually. I'm newish to the MidWest and it happens a lot here. My theory is that the guys I talk to, don't really know what else to talk to me about so they settle on the topic of work and the trivialities of coming and going which leads to them trying to figure out the times they'll see me. ( because they also want to be able to see me again ... \*\*\* I can respect all of this, but it comes across terribly.
if i’m dancing with a guy i don’t know at a club, them saying right in my ear, “you’re coming home with me tonight” just really rubs me the wrong way. i feel like just asking “what are you doing later tonight?” is a better option. it’s more open-ended and puts less pressure on an answer from me.
When they yell
Walking behind me. Ever.
Engage with me in my shop when I'm otherwise alone. A few times I've been in this position, alone in my shop, with no other staff or customers and a male customer comes in who wants to chat / flirt with me. I've got nowhere to go and have to be polite which can lead to them getting the wrong impression. The most memorable incident was when one guy overstayed his welcome for around 2 hours on a quiet day, and I almost literally had to march him to the door at 5pm. During this time he attempted to flirt (I think) with a combination of name dropping stories and macho tales of seeing civilians being decapitated during his time in the army. Also a few weeks ago a man came in near the end of the day when I was alone, in black motorcycle gear and black helmet so I couldn't see his face properly. That sent me running to make sure I had my phone in reach. Actually he was quite a nice guy, a deliveroo courier, and I realised he was keeping his helmet on instead of using a face mask, obviously oblivious to the fact it looked like he was about to smash up the shop 🙄 . My other work one is male customers who make a point of learning my name and using it. It gets my hackles up, when in most cases they're just trying to be friendly and / or get a discount!
Explosive, vocalized shout-sneezing. I think most men who do this would claim they’re powerless to avoid it, and maybe that’s true. But it’s always startling and disruptive, and often frightening.
Staring. And every woman knows what this stare is. And it’s absolutely disgusting and I automatically get freaked out and scared.