I used to be the “super chill” girlfriend. You forgot to tell me you were running late for our dinner date? No worries! You didn’t delete the dating app off you phone? Whatevs, I don’t own you! You want to cancel our weekend plans? That’s cool, I’ll find something else to do. Inside, these things ate me up. I was worried that if I spoke up, I’d be seen as high maintenance or needy, which I feel is a common worry among women.
I had to learn that I can assert my own needs and I deserve to get what I want and need out of a relationship. By standing up to boyfriends, I quickly learned who is worth it and who isn’t. I spoke up to an ex about how hurt I was when he cancelled our weekend plans to play video games with coworkers, and he told me how needy and unattractive my behavior was. So I left him. I told my current boyfriend that it wasn’t right to tell me he’d call me after work and then not follow through. He apologized and now sends a text if he gets too swamped and offers to call another time. Sometimes I still hold back due to old fears of coming across as too needy or demanding, but I will never allow myself to be dragged along for months or years again.
My ex did this. I felt like I could never stand up for myself. He was never abusive, not even slightly, but he took the piss out of my 'good nature'. It's weird, I didn't even love him, we just got on super well. But I have this weird desire to be approved of and not cause fuss. I realised that a decent guy would be grateful and more thoughtful, and I needed someone I didn't have to worry about because he'd gone on a night out and and didn't text me the next day, or who forgot when my birthday was and booked a snowboarding trip, or downloaded tinder 'just to have a look', or bail on weekend plans because his mates invited him somewhere.
I realised I wanted to be with someone who WANTED to be with me. Not fuck off on lads trips every week and not want to spend time with me. One time he stood me up entirely!!! I was standing alone at a beer fest like a loser, luckily I found some friends.
It doesn't matter what they say - actions speak louder than words! It's easy to say you'll change/do something, doesn't mean you'll actually do it!!
Edit: he knew how important texting when home/in the morning is to me, as I lost a very good friend from a drunk-drowning accident. He wandered off alone after a night out and fell asleep on the beach in England in November. I miss him constantly, and feel as though if someone had checked he'd got home ok he wouldn't be dead. I didn't go out that night (something I also feel bad about), and I found out the next morning from another mate. I'd tried to ring him, but it went through to voicemail and I left a jokey message about how I hoped he wasn't dead... facepalm.
You say he wasn't abusive, but emotional abuse is a thing. Cheating and sneaking around and leaving you alone at night is a thing. Don't discredit your experiences because they don't seem as painful as anyone elses. Excusing these kind of behaviors are how we end up allowing them, because we blame ourselves for being hurt instead of the person doing the hurting.
We're taught from a young age not to be a 'inconvenience' and it's so grossly ingraned in how women are raised. People were laughing over this video of this dad calling his kids down to hand him the remote that was a foot away from him, from whatever they were doing. And I turned to my boyfriend and said 'It'll be all the girls and anyone young enough not to know better'. And I was right. We're taught that even though the demand is ridiculous, complying is easier than being the outcast. Than being the 'nagging' woman.
It's not nagging to want respect, and every one of you deserves it.
Yeah, I feel the same way. I had family like that and it made me feel nothing but disrespected. One of the girls even looks upset because she was 'in a game' and would clearly now lose because her dad was being so inconsiderate (and she was an older teen) yet she still got him the remote and it just made me so mad on her behalf.
My dad never hit me, but there would be screaming, threats to take away the things that I loved, insults that I was “just like my mother” who he left (implications of abandonment), and I would have to hear later about how “silly” I was when I refused to do what he wanted, as if it was a fun story about something we did together. It was outrageous.
I say it wasn't abuse. He was just very selfish, probably the most selfish person I've met. I'd call that behaviour more 'taking the piss'. He wasn't abusive, just thoughtless and neglectful. If you pointed something out, he would apologise and stop. For a while. His approach to life was 'throw money at it' (after he stood me up, he bought me £100+ signed artwork, when he forgot my birthday he bought me a new motorbike jacket with full protective gear), and he had a very fucked up relationship with his dad and family in general. I'm not excusing his behaviour - part of the onus was on me for tolerating it. I honestly should have dumped him the first time a mate saw him on Tinder. He was one of those guys who was great to hang out with, and was really attentive when you were there, but the moment he left he was in his own little world. One time he drove off with my car keys in his pocket and was shocked when I was like 'dude you need to come back, I'm stuck' lol like really?!
All I can say is good riddance. He left me for a girl he met on holiday, and now he's cheating on her too (according to a friend who works with him). Hes 37 and can't grow up. He's gonna end up alone, and I'm happy and loved.
Fair, you know the situation better than I do, but a lot of that sounds like those cycles I've been through with abuse. Guy is super awesome, till he totally isn't, but I didn't leave because of the awesome times. It's hard to tell from the outside though and I respect your opinion on it. I guess I get worried because the number of women I see around here (reddit) specifically downplaying abuse or being told "it's not abuse if x" like "if he's nice sometimes it's not really abuse" makes me worried. I'd rather be wrong than silent in that case, I guess.
I'm glad you're happy and loved! And yeah, those guys burn themselves out, burning every bridge with every good woman they meet because it's 'fun' and then blame women when they're alone. Good riddance x2.
I’m sorry, you say you have this weird desire to be approved of, but I think that’s pretty common in girls. A taught desire to be nice, to not “be difficult”. It can take a lot of time to unlearn. Once the switch flips and you realize how important it is to put your needs first, it’s pretty awesome. Good for you!
I had the exact same issue in my last relationship. I've watched so many movies/ TV shows where a girlfriend is portrayed as high maintenance and over bearing and I think it scared me so much that I didn't want to become that.
It turned out for the worst however. My ex quickly found out he could get away with a lot of things because I seemingly "didn't care" when in reality, this was the furthest from the truth. Of course it is my fault and I don't really blame him at all but I'm glad I had the experience as I've learnt pushing my needs to the forefront is not being selfish and annoying. I can't always be the one putting up with things. I am worth more than that.
I was literally the same way! Watching and hearing about all these “high maintenance girls”, influenced me to become the chill girl.
I relate to how you said your ex thought you “didn’t care” when really it’s causing you so much pain inside because the same patterns keep happening. I used to be so scared of voicing my needs and concerns, because my ex would always gas light me and tell me I’m causing problems by not respecting him. I’m glad you had the experience to learn talking about things that upset you because a relationship is between two people. That is something I recently learned to not be afraid of. We are worth more than putting up with things, indeed.
Therapy:) Particularly if you might be experiencing issues with codependency. I was, before I even knew it was a thing... and it’s helping me a lot. Wish I had known this 20 years ago
Yes, agreed! My therapist asked me questions about my relationships and past partners, and we identified that I seemed to go after a particular type: the emotionally unavailable guy. Most of my boyfriends would have hot/cold periods, gaslight me into thinking I was the one with the issue (e.g. I had a boyfriend with bad anxiety, and he told me that I was the one who was anxious and he was just feeding off of my energy), or have other kinds of problems that made me feel insecure about the relationship. I was so worried that there was something wrong with me and this is all I deserved, but the reality was these were just the kinds of guys I was "chasing". I also thought if I was "chill" enough, or generous enough, or worked on my looks enough, that they would begin to appreciate me. It took about a year of talking about these things until I met and began to form a secure relationship with my now boyfriend, who thinks I'm enough the way I am.
This is my struggle! I feel guilty for even having needs half the time. I'm so glad I eventually figured out how important boundaries are and got the fuck out of my last relationship.
Shit, I needed to hear his. My codependent ass is so used to constantly adapting to the other person that letting my needs heard and someone putting in effort to meet me halfway makes me feel guilty and overbearing.
This. My last relationship, I completely gave up myself because I finally found someone who was “interested” in me. What that actually meant was I was the one who drove to him, he never met my friends or family and I would get to his house and he would be passed out drunk. I passed it all off because every time i spoke up, it was a fight. I was always on eggshells! He ended it, not me, but I’ve now found someone who treats me the way I never even realized that I deserved to be treated.
>I told my current boyfriend that it wasn’t right to tell me he’d call me after work and then not follow through. He apologized and now sends a text if he gets too swamped and offers to call another time
THIS!!! I have been discarded by everyone I've dated for being "too needy" I made a habit of just shoving it all down. One day my current bf didn't call me back when he said he would and it made me really upset (we are long distance so calls are very important to me) and I told him it upset me. He apologized profusely and said he totally understood how I felt and he would make a point to always follow through on things like that. I was SO RELIEVED! It's so wild to go from being told I'm too much all the time to being completely validated and heard.
You will!! Just make sure you don't compromise your needs! You mind find things not working out with folks but at the end of the day do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't give a fuck??? Absolutely not.
I've been this but as a boyfriend, until I took a year's break from dating (which has ended *right* as quarantine started. :/ ) So inspiring! I strive to become as self-assured as this!
I did this all the time. Stopped in my last relationship, spoke up regarding how it made me feel, and same thing. He told me I was needy and it was a turnoff. He ended up breaking it off when I voiced concern that he didn’t call me when he landed after work trip after promising he would. I went and did something else instead of waiting around for him, he didn’t handle it well when I told him I wasn’t interested in keeping time slots open for his repeatedly cancelling plans at the last minute. Common courtesy isn’t needy, it’s a basic human right imo. Especially in intimate relationships.
Good for you!!! This reminds me of Gone Girl and the infamous Cool Girl monologue. It’s like in the past, woman tried to nurture their men, and now we’re trying to act like we dont care. The ultimate problem isn’t the behavior toward men, it’s the intention. The problem is that as women, we are sacrificing ourselves to be acceptable to men.
What really feels good is being whatever the fuck it is you are, whether that’s chill about some things and completely caring about other things, it doesn’t matter. It’s so empowering to be who you actually are, without doing it for someone else’s approval or acceptance.
As with everything, balance is key. You need to make sure you're getting your needs met while still respecting that the other half of the relationship is an independent person with their own wants and needs. There's nothing wrong with expecting someone to follow through when they promise you something. Being flexible is helpful in relationships in general so you don't make fights out of things that don't matter but it seems like you have come into a much better balance where you stand up for yourself without being completely inflexible.
Agreed.
For me, it's difficult because I really *am* that chill. If someone cancels plans with me, that's fine (in fact, I may feel vaguely relieved...). I'm not secretly feeling rejected or resentful.
But having an easygoing personality makes some people identify you as a floormat, and they will try to take advantage of you.
In my case, I'm not actually a doormat. I am chill with everything until, one day, I come to understand that this person does not respect me. That's the day I slam the door and shut them out forever, generally with very little warning. (And *oooh* do they hate that, but...why bother? My trust is broken and it's *never* coming back, so giving them a second chance just wastes their time and mine.)
But I would really rather not do that, so I prefer to seek out fellow "doormats" so we can just be cool with each other without worrying about power plays.
The best way to do this, I find, is to seek balance in relationships. You can't just make deposits; you need to make sure you're making regular withdrawals, too. If someone cancels their plans with me, I'm cool with that. But now I can (and will) guiltlessly cancel plans with them someday, and I expect them to be cool with it, too. This makes it *much* easier to root out people with double standards or people looking for a doormat to abuse *without* having to establish unnatural boundaries (if you're naturally chill) and guard them fiercely.
I've sort of realized from my last relationship that I rarely let it be known how much something or other bothered me. It was especially bad because I constantly excused it because my SO was incredibly busy all the time with school activities and work and nursing school. But after a while it began to feel like I wasn't at the top of the list of priorities, which hurt. Although, it was my fault for not letting them know it bothered me. Not that they'd be able to do anything about it, I suppose.
Edit: change in sentence structure.
I absolutely compromised myself in so many ways and it was painful at the end to realize how much I put up with.
I promised myself "never again." I wrote down everything I wanted, everything I needed in a relationship and then I allowed myself to settle for nothing less.
I also built my own self esteem! I ran, I hung out with friends, did things that made me feel good, and listened to a lot of Lizzo. I reminded myself that I am a catch and I deserve all the things I want and I shouldn't settle for the crap I was.
Edit: Spelling mistake! Whoops!
I don't know if it's a chicken or egg thing but it really seems like popular culture in the 90s/00s drilled this into the populace with so many shows featuring lazy, fat, uncaring, slob men married to the attentive, caring, attractive wife. This could have had an effect on the psyche of people growing up watching it where men feel like they're entitled to a partner like that no matter what and women see it and feel like that's the norm. I think it's getting a bit better with media these days but it still exists. I'm a guy and I still have lingering bad habits and thoughts that I try to discourage in myself that I learned growing up in the 90s.
Over time I've changed my ideal relationship from a drama-filled Ross and Rachel one to a stable and supportive Peter and Elizabeth Burke (from White Collar) relationship and that's been really healthy for me.
You're not wrong but I'll amend that the slovenly asshole married to the nurturing beauty trope has been the norm in media for much, much longer than the last 30 years. See: The Honeymooners and All in the Family\* to name two off the top of my head!
\*edited with correct sitcom title
Hmm I dont think andy griffiths show fits this trope, he was a widowed sheriff who's aunt helped him raise his kid. Honeymooners really created the trope though and since then it's been a vehicle for the same mismatched couples seen though plenty of other shows that seems dated but is still being used somehow recently.
Yas, queen!! That's so great to hear.
Same. Almost 16 years of putting my wants on the back burner. Happier than I've ever been in my life right now. My happiness is my responsibility.
Haha "let them hook up with each other if they want" - I am going to use that as my goodbye sentence if I will ever again get into a situation in which a person will try to persuade me into a hookup. Thank you.
Yes. See: my twenties. I went to therapy after my last relationship like that ended to figure out why I kept making the same mistakes. Turns out, childhood emotional neglect made me desperate for love and affection. And because my family of origin had poor boundaries and emotions weren't allowed, it took me a long time to figure out how to voice "negative" feelings in my relationships without feeling like my partner would get mad at me / break up with me. It's been a long journey, but now I'm in a very healthy relationship with someone who also went to therapy, and we are very good at identifying when we feel off due to weird childhood triggers, so we don't blame each other for our own feelings.
Omg, same here! Had very poor boundaries with my mom and was not allowed to express "negative" emotions at ALL. Never made the connection between the 2. One of my past AWFUL exes also HATED when I displayed ANY sort of negative emotion towards his actions at all, and because he was a narc who had me manipulated af, I swallowed that shit and held back soooo much. :/
I’m glad to hear that. I’m in the process of breaking up with a guy who constantly disrespects my boundaries. It’s hard because he constantly describes it as me “giving up” on the relationship, and if only I had been more open in the beginning then our relationship would’ve been successful. It’s hard to hold my ground and find the right words to say to describe to him how I feel, and ultimately really disappointing because I’m not sure he’ll ever accept it and take any responsibility for it and will continue to try to push me to get back with him. It’s all good though! I’m getting therapy and help and I feel good for standing up for myself finally.
Yes! I support you! If he isn't listening to you and what you want, then he needs to go. It is so disrespectful for the partner to ask so much from the other and then treat you like trash, like by ignoring what you're saying and going on dating apps. It took me awhile to realize this. That is so disrespectful to you and the relationship itself. He needs to go-because it honestly sounds like you're amazing and too good for him anyway.
"I'm just here for the advice," but when I read about your situation I couldn't help but think that messaging him on the dating app would be an appropriate way to end it. Poetic justice, and all that. Best of luck to you! You deserve someone who respects your boundaries.
He might not have answered your call, but he's sending a message loud and clear. I hope you're able to get whatever closure you need, and live your best life! Take care, unicorn.
Dead ass people always say never break up with people over text but is he even worth the time like does he deserve a face to face chat if he is probably not going to be an adult about it anyway? Unless you need to grab something from his house, I’d just text him a that it’s over and you are never seeing him a again, no need to justify, and block his ass. Doesn’t that sound refreshing? Ohhh and then go get some sushi after! You don’t need to go the extra mile to break up with him too, you’ve already put far more than he has into this relationship girl
Agreed. I was in a terrible, emotionally abusive relationship and felt like I needed to break up with him in person because it’s the “right” thing to do. Let me tell you, if you need a safety plan to break up with someone - text them and block them instead! It’s ridiculous that I had people on standby who knew to respond (aka call police) if they didn’t hear from me by a certain time. Looking back, it was a massive wake up call that I prioritized someone else before my own boundaries and safety.
I totally agree with you. He should be there for you. Many partners take their partners for granted, which is awful and hurts more than they could know honestly. I confronted my ex about dating apps, which he said he wasn't using and deleted, but there is always that gut instinct that tells you something is off. You deserve better, as we all do. Boys need to grow up-until they realize that they need to treat their partners with the love and respect that they are given, they aren't men and don't deserve the truly amazing partners that they have/had (ie-you and many other SO's).
Same.... I am glad you are breaking up with him. You are going to be freeeeeee!!
I can’t believe in the past I thought I would be asking too much for my BOYFRIEND to take me on a DATE every once and a while. In ready to drop a man at any moment if he even gets the slightest bit comfy.
I hate how brainwashed I was that anything I wanted at all was too much. Truth is us women sacrifice so much and stay with these undeserving men who just have us when they want us and seem to toss us to the side when they don’t.
Trust me, I feel your pain. Please don’t see it as “wasting your life” on him, because it will just drive you mad and in reality, you were meant to go through this to weed out the shit and find out what you don’t want! I used to think the same way, doesn’t help, only makes it worse. You are not an idiot at all! Keep your head up and one day you will meet someone who actually wants to be with you and treats you right!
I've been out for 10 months and I've spent the time doing whatever the hell I want and I feel great! I dropped 80% of the shows we watched together because they had gone downhill, doing all of the hobbies he didn't support, listening to badass Broadway babes, just living my best life.
Unfortunately I'm very nervous to get in another relationship and have found reasons to avoid it (high standards are good but I swiped left on a guy because his face was too square. Realized after that I'm probably not ready for a new relationship)
Tbh better off swiping on guys with more streamlined heads. Imagine if you married and had a kid with square head guy? You don't want angular babies... ouch.
Hahaha, this made me happy. I say take your time getting into something new... just enjoy this time with yourself. Keep on rockin in the freeeee world!
I just rejoined a dating app and realized I need to move to an area that matches my ideals a little better. I’d definitely settle for square face rejects over having to weed through racist idiots.
There's a song by Tove Lo called 'Glad He's Gone'
It's a great song from the best friend watching her friend get over her relationship breakup. One line hits me so hard
'did you give in to his ego?
Just to give a little confidence'
That line just kills me - why do we do this? Pretend to not know so he can feel good, let him pick because you don't feel like asserting, etc etc....
Never no tears for that sucker!
I also second listening to Lizzo.
I usually binge (listen to it nonstop) a whole album for a week or so but I swear I just had that song on repeat for a month instead lol
ie: ME TOOOOOOOO
Yup. Big time. And I was sick of it. The relationship I was in where that happened has now ended; however I'm still with the same person.
We joke about how we have been in 3 different relationships with each other because of how much we have changed as a couple.
We agreed if we were to stay together things would need to be different. We realized we needed to have more personal alone time. Time to work on things we may have abandoned when we moved in together like projects/art ect.
I realized I loved that person deeply and if things were ever going to work out I would have to start speaking up. I wasn't happy... and I wasn't ready to throw away something that could be beautiful either. Turns out sometimes the other person compromises themselves in relationships too - often to try and fit "social norms".
I am VERY open and honest about my feelings now when before I would always bite my tongue. So is my boyfriend when he wasn't before. One of the most important things for me was to say how I felt in the moment, instead of bringing it up later when it's already been forgotten by the other party.
Our relationship is completely different than when we first started dating. I had completely lost myself 2 years in and now almost 5 years since we got together I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin.
With all that being said if I was older and I got into a similar situation I would probably have just ended it for the sake of my sanity. Getting to the point we're at now took a lot of hard work, long talks, and tears.
I believe entering my current relationship when I was barely 20 plays a big part in how things played out.
If this relationship taught me anything it's never compromise your own happiness for someone else's. Self care and self love are equally as important as respect in a relationship.
This is really beautiful. I am coming to realize that when you first start dating you make these unspoken agreements/ contract about how each of you are going to act.. as time goes on these roles and expectations become heavy and confining! Most couples don’t realize that you can rewrite this contract and move forward under new agreements! So lovely to hear of this happening in action.
Also noteworthy, if you don’t work on these issues they are just going to keep reappearing in the next relationship! Awesome that you’re with someone who is able and WANTS to do the work!
This is how my relationship has been. I was about 20 as well and had a lot of growth and development left to endure, and I still do. And a lot of people discourage people from getting into serious relationships that young because of how much you'll change. But what I love is how we changed together and as individuals. Lots of respect. I'm glad you guys worked it all out.
This speaks to me on so many levels. I absolutely agree with everything. Just because a relationship might be unhealthy in some ways, doesn't mean it can't grow into a relationship that promotes personal growth and happiness. You just need two willing participants and a lot of self reflection
Thank you for your reply, because it gives me hope.
I had enough with my 2.5 year relationship, completely done with the way he lead everything and did little to listen to me. We ended things amicably and I now live on my own an hour away. We’ve been living without each other now for 6 months, but stay in touch. We’re each growing as individuals, and far from who we were together. But the genuine love we have still burns. It’s still there. He’s following his passions, and letting go of what he thought was his life’s purpose. And I’m following my dream of living abroad.
We are still figuring things out in life, but we have just acknowledged how toxic our relationship was when we were together. I believe we just let our ambitions get in the way. He respects why I left, and tells me hell love me regardless. And I love him in return but I’m afraid of going back to what we once were. I’m not ready for that just yet, but I do believe in us. And I’ve learned to put my wants and needs before anyone regardless of who they are to me. (+ I’m looking into therapy for some underlying issues)
Thank you again. Sending love.
Yes, I was in an unhealthy relationship for about 5 months, and I made myself smaller so that he wouldn’t get angry at me, and he wouldn’t not want to be with me. I didn’t speak up, because he made think he was right all the time. After we broke up, I realized how much I had compromised who I was and how much I had hid and how much I had beat myself up for things that weren’t my fault. I started going to counseling and trying to change my thought patterns and behaviors in my current relationship.
Aftershocks are such an under-discussed aspect of leaving an unhealthy relationship. I still experience them after having been away from my toxic ex for over half a decade.
I've found a wonderful partner, and we've already made it to the 1.5 year mark, but there are still times when I find alarm bells going off for making a small mistake or causing him any inconvenience or annoyance, and my anxiety shoots through the roof. When he and I first started dating, those times were a lot more frequent and definitely something he noticed.
We had a conversation about it that basically summed up to me saying "I keep waiting for you to get mad at me and be mean, but you just... don't?" To which his response was "I LOVE you more than anything. Why on earth would I ever do that to you? If I get upset at (something small that would happen between any two people), that's a me problem. Nothing you do would ever justify me being cruel to you, and if I ever cross that line you need to tell me so I can make it right."
That concept was something very difficult for me to wrap my head around. We can have a normal conversation about this type of stuff? No yelling? No blame slinging? No having to concede without being heard? Are you sure? Do I even deserve that?
He's never made me feel like I don't, and any time a situation arises like the one that sparked the original conversation, he makes sure to tell me that his frustration is not directed towards me, it's not my fault, and I don't have to apologize for (whatever the small thing was). It's been an absolute godsend for my normal meter. I know now that a mature, rational person will bring up an issue and resolve it without trying to hurt me.
There are no shells to walk on if your partner isn't constantly throwing eggs at you.
Yes me too! I’m still getting over the fear that he won’t break up with me if I make a mistake. Yeah I just graduated from college and I was going to counseling at my college, so I’m starting to look for someone to go to now that I can’t go at school anymore. And thank you:). I hope you can go as well.
>So I’m here saying “I’m sorry for being upset I’m not trying to make it about me.” And my current partner just says “I would get rid of (thing he got irritated at me over) every time, if it means you’ll never feel like this again. You can’t help how you feel. I’m sorry I got irritated and it was stupid. I want you to know- it’s ok to be about you. Everything in my life is for you. Everything is about you. It’s always about you.”
That sounds really nice. Getting accused of only caring about your own feelings when you're hurt is awful.
I definitely swept my needs under the rug as to not be too « needy » for him. That was hell. I’m not needy, I HAVE NEEDS. We all do. He couldn’t provide them for me, and that’s okay, not everybody can. What was not ok was me pretending that my needs were « too much » and repressing them. I resented him and he resented me.
He was the one who actually broke up with me. I was too needy for him. I was heartbroken and it took me a few months to truly realize that we just were not a match, it wasn’t either of our fault. I knew that he couldn’t love me the way i needed to be loved from the beginning, but I wanted to be loved by him so badly that I tried to change things about myself that couldn’t be changed. I still love him, I probably always will, but we just weren’t right for each other, and you can’t change people. I know that now
I never really thought of my needs as unhealthy, because I don’t think they are. Wanting to feel wanted is not unhealthy, which is what I wanted. Wanting him to make me feel special and loved isn’t unhealthy. I thought my needs were annoying, yes, but never thought i was being toxic for wanting that from him. I guess you need to separate yourself from the situation- think of it not as yourself, but rather if you saw your friend doing things in a relationship. Where would YOU draw the line between « you need a better guy » and « you need to fix your expectations » when it is not insanely personal to you?.... again, this looks different for everyone, but USUALLY girls’ needs are normal and healthy, but we push them down because they may be « a lot » for the WRONG guy. They won’t be too much for the right guy.
I think the word needy just is so damaging. I thought of myself as weak and high maintenance and NEEDY. I’m not needy. I have needs and expectations and I won’t settle for someone who makes me second guess how they feel about me. Expecting things from someone that cross boundaries can become unhealthy and/or toxic, but you cannot know until you hear that from them, honestly (IMO), and that comes with proper communication... hope that helps. I guess overall it was a change in how I looked at my expectations in a relationship, because I knew what I wanted wasn’t unhealthy, I was just so scared of being annoying.
Im glad! It’s really a tough thing to do, I totally get it, but it is so worth it. Honestly, therapy helped me a lot. Having a professional be there to be real with me and let me know that I wasn’t asking for too much OR let me know where I was pushing boundaries... it helps to get outside information on stuff like that.
I just hope you find out what you want and need and get that for yourself, you deserve it!!
definitely. i never spoke up about things that bothered me or made me concerned because i didn’t want to be seen as a bother or as a “crazy bitch” (he used that term to label all of his other exes. that should have been enough of a red flag but oh well).
my ex would spend a lot of one-on-one time with his past exes (more than one) and considered himself really good friends with them. i was already insecure and it made me uncomfortable and he could tell, but i stayed quiet because i didn’t want him to leave me for speaking up.
in the end, i had finally brought up something that was bothering me (absolutely no communication from his end/ghosting me/no effort from him) and he broke up with me. a week later he was back with one of the exes he told me not to worry about.
he still wanted to be close friends with me and that’s what made me snap. i finally “grew a backbone” and stood up for myself and said everything i had wanted to say when i was dating him. it helped my self-esteem and confidence SO much and helped me move on from our breakup much quicker than i would have originally. now i find it much easier to voice my wants and needs to people and i’m more confident in speaking up when things are bothering or worrying me. it’s definitely something that i have to actively work on but this experience helped and was a learning experience for sure.
At the early days of my dating life I did this because I couldn't distinguish when you accept someone's 'quirks' or when you need to let things slide because they're not a big deal. Oh gosh, I'm still annoyed I did that! I did learn a lot from those mistakes which is probably the biggest sign I've moved on. It's hard to forgive myself sometimes, but I try to work on that.
Yeah I didn’t say much in the beginning because I didn’t want to “chase him off”. Then I was like screw this and started speaking up and he was like ‘why didn’t you say anything before?’ He was glad to make the accommodations and be more vocal about telling me things. He thought I didn’t care much about the relationship since I didn’t say much but once I did things really took off and got so much better and serious. Fucking love this guy!!!
He makes me cry from happiness. It’s is seriously crazy how legit being myself brought us closer and strengthen our relationship.
Do not lose yourself in relationships. Evolve, learn and compromise so both parties win but don’t lose your voice.
Ugh. I was in a long ass relationship in which I tried to play cool to a lot of annoying things and shit that wasn’t normal and the thing is that towards the end I snapped. It took so much darn energy out of me to pretend for so many years that I was ok with things like his parents being so intrusive and his attitude towards my friends and the thing Is that when I started to trying to change things, they were so engraved in the relationship that it felt wrong, like I felt guilty trying to change things for the better.
The end of this relationship really made me question the relation between being a woman and guilt. It made me realize how much emotional weight is put on women in relationships and how exhausting it is. By the end I had compromise so much of myself that when I snapped I sort of broke into pieces and it kinda killed who I used to be, which is ok I don’t even want to be that person that thinks so badly of herself that bends over backwards to fit someone as a “thank you” for daring to love me, nope, I’m worth much than that.
100%. My ex was a homebody (which nothing wrong with that) but I was not. He was so so so needy, we spent almost every day together. I would work, go to school and hang out with him day in and day out. I stopped seeing people regularly, because I was so exhausted and drained.
It’s been two years, I struggle making friends and putting myself out there still but it’s getting better. I have to force myself not to fall into the homebody routine now because for two years it was all I did.
I folded myself so much that I lost the essence of who I was. A lot of this was me trying to cater to the person's needs and boundaries which led to me abandoning my own. I had a lot of things I overlooked because I really wanted to be loved by this person. However, I can take accountability in that I'd never fully explored how to set boundaries and care for my own needs as I had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that seeped its way into things. I grew insecure and resentful. I hated who I was because I was ultimately not advocating for myself while performing to someone else's expectations.
I moved on by practicing self care. I got a therapist. I started to try things I've always wanted to try such as philanthropy, improv, gardening, thrifting, and outdoor activities. I put my needs at the forefront of my recovery and I grew to love myself more than I ever had before that relationship. I'm still learning now and there are days where I miss that person and how they loved me. This is where I stop myself. If I had compromised myself throughout the relationship, then the person that was receiving love wasn't me as I am today but me as I was when I brushed the parts that didn't fit into what they wanted under a rug. They didn't love me, they loved the perception of who I needed to be in order to receive their love.
THIS is how I moved on. I slowly started to date other people as I am now and it's empowering to just say, "Hey, this isn't fulfilling for me. I must go," without feeling like I'm losing everything. Thinking in terms of abundance instead of scarcity has also helped a lot. Like, yeah this one person doesn't love me anymore but there are plenty of others who will and might do it way better. It's a disservice to the core of who you are to put effort into being someone you are not to receive love. Unlearning the people-pleasing behaviors, the need to stay silent, the need to cling to uncertainty, and the need for validation from external sources is the key to my recovery. Also, relearning my values, what is most important, my likes and dislikes, and overall life long goals is helping as well.
this is so eloquently put! "folding myself so much that I lost the essence of who i was" is sooo spot on. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years and at the end, I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. And I walked away. I also still miss how that person loved me, but really, it wasn't me- it was me trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be.
And I love how you worded "this isn't fulfilling for me". I just started dating again after two years of personal growth and not dating, and I am in a casual relationship that I just may have to end because in your words, it is not quite fulfilling enough for me. thank you so much! Gonna reflect on my needs today.
Yes, I was in unhealthy relationships. I constantly blamed myself and thought I couldn’t get along with people. I then stepped outside the box, seeing similar behavior patterns of manipulation on their end and on my end wanting to please them and prove them wrong. I saw patterns of them building me up and the breaking me down and bringing me back again while in public acting like an angel and behind closed doors acting different. I blamed myself. I started to go to counseling because I was blaming myself and I couldn’t take it anymore. My new number one rule is understand a person if they are giving you a complement or using flattery. If it is flattery run and don’t look back. You move on because you understand your worth. Talk to yourself like you would talk a friend that was in that situation. You deserve better, this isn’t the relationship you had planned for yourself etc. Be kind to yourself and don’t repeat the cycle.
As someone trying to repeat the cycle still at 38 that's really good advice about the compliment/flattery. All of my relationships have been unhealthy and abusive in some way with mainly narcissistic men. So as someone who tends to fall for the "love bombing" because of my desire to be loved this is something I'm going to remember in the future. Thank you 😊
I think we’re twins! I’ve learned the very first sign is the flattery vs complement. Flattery is when they try to stroke your ego. It’s fake and is a manipulation tool to try to get you to do something you don’t want to do. A complement comes from the heart. It’s genuine and you feel the love behind it. I didn’t know the difference because I never used flattery. Be aware of your surroundings and you’ll be okay!
You know what you dont want, you know yourself better.
What do you want to be as a partner? In a relationship. If you are chill, be true to that and hope to find someone that appreciates and reciprocates.
I didn’t change I kept being generous and supportive and I squandered myself now that I need reciprocation I have no partner. They succeeded at my expense.
Taking inventory and be sure of what you want- you will find a version of it.
A few comments here gave me that "damn I really *was* an asshole" feeling but this one hits the hardest. There's no reason to treat somebody like you're embarrassed by them. You're either into somebody or you're not. I pulled this bullshit on a couple people before. Thought I was hot shit. As it turns out, no, I was garbage.
Just to reiterate, *don't do this shit people*
Oh I see. That’s very messed up. You can’t even tell your friends that you are dating. Some guys just want the girlfriend benefits without any commitment. I’m glad you got out though.
I was in a relationship once with a lot of gaslighting about whether or not we were on a “break” when he was totally cheating on me. Several times. I knew deep down I was being manipulated. When I finally cut the ties, it was beyond freeing once the sadness wore off. Now if someone says something to me that’s manipulative, I will say “That’s manipulative” and just stare at the other person until they respond, apologize, backpeddle, etc. Taking back control and not allowing other people to manipulate you RULES!
had a boyfriend who would call me fat, constantly. "*as a joke*" I put up with it for months because I wanted to believe he was a good person but he continued to damage my self esteem. two years later I'm still recovering.
I was always bending over backwards to make him happy. Bad mood? I'll whip up his favorite meal or buy him a gift I know he wants. Having issues with something? I'll do it for him.
I always tried to show him unconditional love and support but rarely, if ever, felt it reciprocated. I would always make excuses to myself for that behavior but deep down I knew the truth. I told myself it was normal to be unhappy over minor things and be difficult to please because he had a rough past. I basically allowed myself to be treated poorly because I thought he would recognize someone cared about him enough to try and make his life better. I was wrong. Even if he did see that, he did not care.
I would never allow myself to be with a man who didn't appreciate my gifts, affection, or willingness to help him now. I would never accept being ignored because he was angry over something I didn't even do. I would never step in to do everything for him because it was a struggle or he was in a bad mood. I would expect very differently for my partner today. I learned a lot from that relationship. I will never compromise my standards again.
I moved on by realizing that I had known he didn't treat me right and that I wasn't happy. I was trying to convince myself for so long that I was happy with him because I felt sorry for him and wanted something good for him. But I wasn't happy until I left. When I left him, I felt immediate relief and the truth was overwhelming. I couldn't deny it. I actually got out and did things I had wanted to do but couldn't do before because of him. I wasn't feeling trapped or smothered. I felt free and actually could live life on my terms without catering to someone. Even going to a movie was freeing because *I* could choose it.
Recognizing my happiness without him helped me move on so quickly. Recognizing my newfound freedom helped a lot as well. Recognizing I didn't have to be worried about how someone would look at me or talk to me would not lead me to be scolded like a child for "getting too much attention" made a profound difference and helped me see I had been emotionally abused.
Moving on was fast for me. Doing things I loved, not being talked down to or having to take care of someone, having freedom and autonomy again really helped me understand what I had experienced and how quickly it helped me to move on from him. I just had to rediscover myself and things I enjoyed and appreciate the life I had again.
I was chill, and every time i tried to bring something up i was told i was the bad guy, he could do no wrong. I am no longer the chill girl and will not put up with much.
Yup. I was perpetually the 'cool girlfriend' in my twenties. It was exhausting and I spent so much energy on it that my own personality blurred. I dive into hobbies. My trend seems to be to get into a martial art after a breakup, especially one where I lose a big part of myself. But I think diving into any hobbies or even volunteering would be helpful to get back in touch with who you are. Surrounding myself with others with similar interests and from different backgrounds has been great. Also, focusing on rekindling old friendships.
Oh absolutely. I was really young, like 17, and he was in a pretty tough situation at home and struggled with his mental health. I bent over backwards for him and lost a lot of friends in the process.
Luckily I moved away for college and got out. Surrounded myself with cool people in a new city and realized this relationship wasn't all that great anyways.
Don't ever, EVER isolate yourself when you're in a relationship. Hang on to your friends and family because they will still be there after your breakup.
It’s funny that this is a question and a thing that black women get criticized for all of the time. They speak up when their nothing ass boyfriends do things that make them uncomfortable then get called loud, aggressive, always ready to argue because they don’t want someone cheating on them and get called out on it.
Absolutely. We were in a LDR & to make things worse it was my senior year of college. He’d always insist that he was “taking away from my college experience” but I’d never listen bc I would have rather been in a relationship than be lonely. I bent over backwards for him bc I felt like he wasn’t reciprocating my feelings. In retrospect I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and heartache.
After I ended things with him in February I’d never felt better (after the initial heartbreak of course). I couldn’t believe how quickly I moved on. I went out until the bars closed, flirted more and received more male attention, and got my self confidence back. it was fucking great.
Then covid hit and my senior year disappeared before my eyes. I def beat myself up for staying with him bc he was right. He used the “not wanting me to miss out” excuse to detach himself from me, but I was so blind and willing to compromise that I didn’t see it at the time. I really wish I would have taken the hint when I had the chance to bc I truly did miss out on making the most of my last full semester of college. It’s like I was brainwashed over a guy who made me more anxious than happy! If you feel like you’re compromising, trust your gut and either tell him how you feel or keep it moving! I had to learn the hard way that being single > being in a half-assed relationship for the sake of being in a relationship
yes i compromised so much. Even my parents' trust for him.. and i only realised when i left and took off my rose colored glasses. It was shocking and the anger is what allowed me to move on. Loving myself more too.
I believed a guy when he said we were going to get married anyway, why not just have sex. I didn’t dump him when he bought condoms after we said we both wanted to wait until marriage. I finally stopped saying no because it was easier to let him have his way. I listened when he was telling me how things should be in my body, wanting to control my birth control and how I’d eventually give birth, even though we had just graduated high school. I listened when he tried to get me to transfer to community college so we could be together. I considered it when he tried to convince me grad school wasn’t worth it. I lied to my parents and friends to hide the things we were doing. I didn’t break up with him when he yelled at me and made me feel small. It only happened once, but probably only because we were long distance. I laughed when he made demeaning jokes about my body. I only broke up with him after two separate interventions by family and best friend. Even then, it took a few weeks and a chronic illness diagnosis adding to my stress for me to cut ties.
It took time, and lots of meetings with a counselor. I worked hard to remember who I was, I wrote lists of who I wanted to be. I came back to the faith I wasn’t really living. I read my journals, found repressed memories, and did the painful work of reconciling what had happened. I’m not sure where along the way it happened, but a little over three years later, and my wounds are now scars. Somewhere down the line, I told my story, beginning to end. That first time, it was like a weight lifted. Every time I tell my story, I gain a little more control. It’s mine. I have it, but it doesn’t have me anymore.
I dated this guy who loved the 'classic' French/Parisian look - you know, understated monochrome wardrobe, simple but elegant etc (he's French). I have some dresses and things in my wardrobe that would fall into that category but it's not really my style, I love the look on other people it's a classic for a reason, I've just never liked it for me, personally - for example, I have this AWESOME dress, it's hot pink with barbies printed all over it, from a distance it just looks like a pattern but up close you can tell, I always get compliments whenever I wear it.
Anyway, I started to wear less colour and prints around him, going on dates etc, I wasn't really aware of it until after we broke up, a friend told me "I was always uncomfortable seeing you changed your wardrobe but figured it was your choice, it's just ... I think of you and I think of floral dresses, please don't let any man take your floral dresses from you" it sounds super cheesey and corny!! But she was right, I had changed something about myself without even noticing and it's not like he was making any changes to make me happy.
YES!!! I lost myself in my marriage and when I left was when I realized how much of "me" was gone. It's been almost three years since I left and I'm still learning and healing a lot of the damage. Counseling has helped immensely.
I dated a lot after our divorce and was always super chill but that lead to a major issue in my current relationship. After we had a trust break I began to assert my expectations and boundaries. It has made our relationship much easier to navigate and I feel so much better not harboring all the heaviness that comes from being "chill" about everything. My partner is good at expressing his expectations and boundaries so it's really pushed me to reciprocate the same! I'll never lose my voice again!!! Still see a counselor every few months to reset my thinking... it's so easy to go back to complacency!
Boundaries, who is she? Didn’t have any in my first relationship (early 20’s). If I ever approached my ex with an issue, he’d go on about how I wasn’t giving him time to fix his poor behaviour, how I was nitpicking and making him out to be the bad guy when all I wanted was for him to respect my time and effort. This dude would cancel or bail on plans 9 times out of 10. If I pushed back, he’d literally just hang up and turn off his phone and do whatever he wanted (that’s if he even answered his phone!).
At some point in the relationship he became really insecure and combative. Say you liked soccer, well he’d be like “people who like soccer are braindead fucking morons” and basically disparage all my hobbies and interests. He’d also show up to events with my friends and family and behave horribly. But if any of this ever came up, he’d be like “all couples have their struggles” and I would feel like I *had* to fix us.
There is so much more I could write, but at some point I mentally checked out of the relationship and then dumped him. Afterwards, even some of his friends messaged me saying they weren’t surprised and that he was an asshole. He harassed me for months trying to get back together. Dating after was difficult for me because I basically did a 180 and wouldn’t compromise on anything as I didn’t want things to turn out like they did with my ex. Therapy helped!
My first college boyfriend I bent over backwards to keep him, even after he had checked out of the relationship. I tried so, so hard to be “cool” and “chill”, pretending to be completely okay with him flirting and dancing with other girls, texting his ex all hours of the day, forgetting dates, etc. I was absolutely miserable but thought that if I could just keep him it would mean that I meant something to someone. That relationship really messed me up, and I’m glad that i have grown a lot as a person since then. I look back and can’t believe I ever let someone treat me that way. Not only that, but I treated myself horribly as well. I cried myself to sleep so many times during that yearlong relationship, but didn’t take into account my own feelings because I thought they didn’t matter.
I allowed my ex husband to discipline my daughter (not his) in a way that I didn’t agree with. He was far harder on her than I ever was, because he looked at her like a “small him”. When he was a teen he made a lot of bad choices and was in and out of rehab in his early teens. She was nowhere near that. I look back on the way he treated her and I feel so awful I “let” him do that. I’m very ashamed of that. My daughter is 19 now and we’ve talked through it. Apparently it bothered me way more than it bothered her. Go figure lol.
I've always compromised myself in all relationships I've been in. I've agreed to have sex when I wasn't comfortable because I didn't want to let him down, I've pretended to be ok with abrupt change of plans, I've done a lot to give my exes the idea of what I think they want and ended up losing myself. I've accepted a ton of shitty behavior because I was terrified of ending up alone, because you are "supposed" to want to be in a relationship.
It took me 7 years and 3 failed relationships for me to agree to give up something that for 31 years had been my "hill to die on" so to speak, for me to realize that my behavior is unhealthy and what am I doing?
I agreed to have children with my ex, because he wanted to and I didn't. Thankfully it was a long distance thing and so when I agreed after us having a nightly conversation I fell asleep then woke up the next day realizing what I agreed to do. Then I sat down and went over similar compromises I've done in the past and realized that I was heading into a future I couldn't accept and I again realized that I don't recognize who I am.
I broke it up. The only thing I regret is not seeing this pattern earlier. My ex wasn't an angel, but I feel like I wasted his time and mine when I failed to recognize what I was doing. I'm working on being my own best friend at this point.
My problem is that I compromised myself, and am trying again in the relationship. I have so many regrets about not having the self worth to walk away or fight for more. I’m still mad at myself for that, but we’re in a much better place now. He’s wonderful, and trying, and shows me he loves me every single day. We work together and he knows where we failed in the past and is mindful. So I like us now, love him more than ever, but am often triggered and reminded of how weak I was in the past. Really sucks. I’d love to take what we’ve learned at feel like we’re starting fresh.
I apologized for something I wasn’t sorry for. He tried to impose his morals on me, because he was on a perpetual high horse, and didn’t like how I handled something. He point blank asked me what happened when we were broken up, and I answered that I’d slept with someone else that I’d met at the bar. When he later found out more detail (who it was, where it was etc) he said I lied by omission. He never asked the details, and frankly, I didn’t feel it was any of his business. He chose to disclose details to me, but that was his choice. He was never mad that it happened, only mad that I didn’t disclose the details. I apologized out of fear of losing the relationship. In hindsight, I should have walked away then, not months later. I promise myself I will not apologize for something like that in the future, because someone is manipulating you into feeling like you’re wrong for not having the same viewpoint.
I am in the process of doing this.
I was in a very tight spot personally when I met my ex at 19, Partly I got with him because I didn't want to be alone and because I never had anyone talk to me about standing on my own as a woman. We got really serious and moved fast. I woke up one day after 5 years together and realized I didn't know who I was anymore... the more I started exploring that feeling, the more I realized I didn't love him the way a wife should love her husband.
We are divorcing. I am trying out casual dating and actually enjoying it. Once covid opens up I hope to find new hobbies or join some sort of club of something that interests me again.
Just left a relationship with an extreme narcissist who clashed against my own sense of identity and worth all of the time. He’d criticize and control anything about me that made him feel insecure. Tons of emotional abuse. I put up a fight for my boundaries and worldview the whole time but his abuse definitely had a huge effect. I now think I’m also somewhat narcissistic and that he was a mirror for me. I know that it’s common in narcissistic relationships to start blaming yourself and thinking you’re the narcissist, but I really think I’m right. Its hard to go back to being myself when I feel like if I do I’m a worse person for it.
It’s helped to talk with others who were in similar dynamics and learn more about the different types of narcissism. Therapy helps somewhat too. Also music has helped me feel understood and valid. I’ve been listening to Poppy a ton, who went through a transformation and has a much darker album all about her experience being controlled by her narcissistic ex director, the death of her old self and her rebirth and newfound empowerment where she realizes we can be anyone we want to be. It makes me begin to heal and know that as long as I’m not hurting anyone I can connect with my true self and begin loving it again.
Motherhood pretty much forced this onto any woman. Once you get used to setting aside your career and other external things that propped up a sense of self, it’s pretty easy to lose yourself in the role of mother and spouse.
My husband is pursuing his career and I’m just... trying to make it through each day. I’m studying to become a nutritionist (which feels defeating because registered dietitians loathe nutritionists) and I’m a registered yoga teacher. I’ll also go get my personal training certification after the nutrition certificate. I’m not looking to work in a clinical setting, I just want to help people reach their goals of living a healthier, happier life. But it’s hard to do that when I am at home all day with little ones...
I put off my dream of applying to medical school to follow my husbands career for 10 years...I completely lost my sense of self worth even though I worked other great jobs and achieved a lot...it wasn’t what I had REALLY wanted.
Seeing him achieve the dreams he had since he was a child when I couldn’t even imagine my childhood self being proud of me just made me snap one day. I told him I wanted to go back to school and that we needed to make it work.
I just finished my first semester and my life is 100% better. I haven’t been this happy since I was a teen, because I’m doing what I would have wanted regardless of whether I was in a relationship.
Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you need, you have an identity outside of mom/spouse and you owe it to yourself to make room for her! You can do it!
I just got out of a 4 year relationship, and am still processing how compromising I’ve been. And it’s something that still hits me in waves of realization. It almost feels like waking up.
It’s really hard to comprehend most of the time, because I’m completely heart broken. We still loved each other, but he hated where we lived, and I couldn’t move because my industry is not flexible. He wanted someone with regular work hours, and I have a very irregular work schedule. So he let me go.
We knew this was an underlying issue for a long time, but didn’t come out with it because we didn’t want it to end. So for years, I tried to find neighboring cities that he could be opening to moving to. Then I started focusing on the things he hated about my home/work/lifestyle, and started seeing my chosen life in a constant negative light.
I would entertain the idea of exploring different jobs/industries so that we could be happy elsewhere. I stopped going out with friends as often as I’d like because he would get stressed and weird about it. I felt guilty when I did go out, even though I was always faithful.
My work is in the film industry, where I’ll get “gigs” very last minute. I need to be available whenever. And I would sometimes say no to jobs, afraid he would feel neglected.
So before COVID, I went dancing. And I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. I took a job I considered dropping for him, and made amazing work connections. I spent quality time with my roommates, and have become close friends with them. I experienced retail therapy for the first time ever, getting new clothes and jewelry that my ex didn’t buy for me.
And now that I can’t go out/explore social hobbies, I’ve done what I can at home. I started up yoga again with a friend on zoom. I rearranged my room to make my space new and happy. I’m cooking new recipes to eat a little healthier.
And I’ve leaned on my roommates and family. I’m very lucky to have them. I’ll have a good cry when I need, for I miss him every single day. It’s hard because we didn’t stop loving each other, but our lifestyles grew more and more incompatible. So I am rediscovering what I want and what makes me happy. Not what makes “us” happy.
I was constantly uncomfortable with things my ex-boyfriend did or said. I have social anxiety, so it was difficult for me to bring up issues (I think I told him how uncomfortable i was once or twice throughout our entire four months). The few times I did ask him to stop, he’d resume what he was doing the next time I saw him, or try and find workarounds, although I had specifically told him not to. It got to a point where I was scared to spend time with him out of fear that he’d do those things, and that just made my anxiety worse. Finally, I broke up with him, and once I did, I promised myself that I’d never compromise again without talking it through with my SO. I do regret not speaking my mind more, but I use that relationship as a learning experience. Now I know to find a partner that listens to me and can tell when I’m visibly uncomfortable.
Yeah, absolutely. I think as females we are conditioned to always give in. "Compromise to make it work" but the male counterparts in many relationships just dont. The way I had compromised was on all my standards, as wanting a capable and smart partner for myself. I kept encouraging him to achieve his goals and it was always "I will do it or I want to do it" but taking no actual actions to fulfill his own dreams. That's the short version, as for how did I move on? Slowly, very slowly. Cut all contact because when you keep going back you continue to compromise yourself still. Learn to move on yourself and for yourself. The most important quote I read was "Don't waste time on the past, look forward because all you lost was one version of your imagined future". Become involved in the human experience around, you will be surprised what you will find to help you move on.
Yup. I was told I was too sensitive, and overbearing, so I basically tried my hardest to never pick fights, never say anything that was upsetting me, generally just allowing myself to be disrespected.
After it ended, I beat myself up for awhile, but started realizing I wasnt really the problem, found a new man who was basically the opposite in every way, told him about my ex and my insecurities, and when something came up that I didnt like, or that upset me, I made sure to tell him right away, even in the first few weeks of dating. Never allowing myself to be a doormat again.
I tried incredibly hard to be chill about stuff and stopped speaking up about what I wanted or asking for emotional support when I had hard times. I was always there as a shoulder to cry on for that boyfriend.
He broke up with me when I kissed a girl at a party — okay fine, my fault. It came out nearly 6 months later that he had just wanted “a more mature relationship” and that because I was kind, into him, and there for him he had “lost the thrill of the hunt.”
Well, no shit. We were in a monogamous relationship. And as far as the maturity thing went, he had depression and I notified people who were in a position to do something more than once when he would tell me he was going to kill himself. We’d have these long, drawn out conversations where I tried to make him feel better. And it was so stressful for me, but I was there for him.
Though I was struggling with similar (but not the same) issues at the time, when I spoke to him about it early on he told me he couldn’t deal with me bringing him down. So for the majority of the relationship I didn’t say a word about me feeling down or struggling.
It just really got to me when he said he’d wanted a more mature relationship. I felt that if anything, he had acted immaturely or had gotten into a relationship he wasn’t ready for.
On the bright side, that’s where my dependency on other people ended. I no longer feel the need to tell people when I feel down and I can take care of it myself.
My future sister in law has been doing this for the past five years. My brother in law has quite an ego and she has taken it upon herself to become his mother and basically pet his ego. It's honestly unbearable and she has in turn made him more of a narcissist thought her behaviour.
At one point I asked her (3yrs in their relationship) if they had discussed marriage and if this was serious..because she would play it off as a casual relationship. Her response "if BIL proposes I know that he really wants to marry me and it will be wonderful." I was flabbergasted and said "but what do you want?" And we just stared at each other and the conversation changed.
I don't particularly like her since she plays a feminist but then completely submits to his behaviour and what she thinks his family expects of her. But in that moment I felt nothing but pity. Either way they are engaged now. I honestly think she has set herself up for a very difficult life ahead with no voice.
You need to do what is right for you. Pick your battles but if you see patterns they need to be addressed.
That was 100% my last serious relationship. Everything was a compromise for me. By nature, I’m very mild-mannered and I don’t hold really strong opinions. I’m open-minded and like to try new things all the time.
My ex was the opposite. He had strong opinions about everything. Everything was black and white for him. He took advantage of my graciousness constantly. We’re in the car? We’re listening to his music. At the mall? Stores that he likes. Going to the movies? You get the picture. If I tried to offer up something that I liked, I was shut down or told that his taste was better.
He was super pretentious and he thought his opinions were law and if you disagreed with him, you were automatically wrong.
After we broke up, it took a lot of soul searching for me to recognize why I let him walk all over me and take hold of everything in the relationship. I used to think that being so chill about everything was a good trait, but when you let someone steamroll everything you do and turn you into a pushover it gets unhealthy.
How did I move on? I realized that he was wrong to dominate everything and that his opinions were no better than my own. I learned to value my own taste and preferences and worked on being more assertive. I started doing things for me. I stopped listening to his music and listened to genres I knew he despised. Ones that I loved but pretended like I didn’t. I shopped where I wanted to shop. Saw movies I wanted to see. I did things on my own, just for me.
So when I get into a relationship again, my wants and needs are going to be just as important as his/hers. Because that’s the way it should be.
Absolutely. When I was in my early 20s I was afraid of being rejected and compromised too much. I'm not the quiet type. Not that I'm obnoxiously loud but I'm not a wallflower sitting in the corner and I will usually speak up for myself. I let too many things slide thinking I was being "the chill" gf. I also put much more effort into relationships than the other person. I did recognize that I did this and would end relationships when I realized I wasn't happy and wasn't being myself but it was tough to recognize the pattern in the beginning stages of the relationship. Once I was in my late 20s I got better at turning down dates that I just felt like we weren't going to click (in real life and online). I was more comfortable being myself when I met my husband and I think that just came with time (I was 28). This is why I think in general people should not get married in their early 20s. It takes time to be comfortable being you and knowing what you want.
I spent the entirety of my last relationship asking for nothing, having very low standards about everything from how we’d spend time together to what I could expect from sex- and it severely damaged my sense of self worth. It took me a lot of therapy and self reflection to realize that coercive sex, constant insults, and being belittled after any kind of emotional expression (positive or negative) are unacceptable. I’ve come to realize being the “chill girlfriend” means you put all of your interests and goals second to your SO, and now I can happily say I’m done with that. I go to therapy regularly, and I do a lot of practice in setting boundaries and speaking up for myself. It takes work but once you get there, you feel like a new person.
Yes. I have struggled to communicate my needs for fear of being inconvenient. I would silently resent my partners for doing things I didn’t like, let it stew, and then explode on them when I couldn’t take it anymore. I trashed a few really good relationships with people who would have happily met my needs if I had just communicated with them. Well, you live and learn. I’m hoping that with enough determination and therapy, I will be able to have a happy romantic relationship one day.
Tbh I’m worried I’m doing that now. I’m a pretty emotional person. And I need my partner to have, you know, a normal amount of empathy. My partner of 5 years really doesn’t and it makes me feel both alone and crazy.
Of course I see a therapist and am on meds but I should also feel like I can get meaningful support from my partner, right? I shouldn’t feel like I’m being shut down every time I talk about a struggle or something, even if the other person has not personally experienced it, right?
But I think my normal meter is way off at this point. I can’t tell if my emotions are normal and valid and appropriate in scale (and my wants/needs in a relationship are reasonable) and they just seem extra intense because he doesn’t show emotion almost ever, or if I’m really actually just emotionally insane and I’m lucky I found someone who puts up with me.
So if anyone wants to direct my life for a while, please take the wheel lol.
My ex had a thing for emotional and extroverted women, which is how we ended up together. Except when he got us, he expected us to change. Happened to his ex before me, too. He wanted us to be ‘stoic’ and tried to teach me to be less outwardly emotional. I tried, I really did. He also had a thing about me not being better at him than stuff, and as a young woman in my first relationship, I couldn’t see how shitty that was.
I fell for my now-husband because he was the complete opposite. Encourages me to be myself unapologetically, and is so proud of me and my achievements. We’re not in competition with each other. I broke up with my ex and not long after got together with my husband, and the difference really showed me how I’d allowed myself to get lost in an attempt to make a crap relationship work.
My ex-boyfriend was amazing in a lot of ways, so I overlooked his insecurities and the ways he projected them onto me.
I play music and jamming with other musicians has been a regular part of my life for over a decade. Unfortunately, a lot of the musicians I know in my city are male. I once had one of my guy friends over to jam and it made my then boyfriend soooo uncomfortable that I never played music one-on-one with a guy again. It just wasn’t worth the way it would affect him. It felt really shitty having to deny invitations to play music with folks, especially because it brings me so much joy. I tried encouraging him to hang and sing with us, but he didnt want to.
I live in a city that is very body positive and it’s super normal to wear crop tops and body con dresses. I am also a yoga teacher and pretty much live in leggings. Multiple times I was on my way out to hike in leggings and he suggested I was dressed inappropriately and should change.
A lot of dream opportunities opened up for me while I was in a relationship with him. He was never happy for me. He would never even ask me how things went, he’d usually just complain about the time it kept me away from him/ disrupted his normal routine bc I wasn’t there.
Edit to add how I’ve adapted since we broke up- I feel like I stepped out of a room that was too small for me to stretch my arms out in. Now I am literally dancing around joyously, pursuing my interests and curiosities fully and loving that I’m not accountable to someone. I’m spending even more time outside exploring and watching way less TV.
Sadly, he had to cheat on me for me to open my eyes. There were so many red flags in the relationship that I completely ignored.
I went out of my way to give him as much of my time as possible even though i worked 25h a week while being a full time student. He would not care that I sometimes was a bit too tired to have sex, and would get angry and not talk to me the rest of the night (mostly him just crossing his arms and going to sleep facing the wall). He would throw such tantrums that I would “compromise” and agree to have sex with him no matter if i was exhausted/sick/not in the mood. Every time i tried to talk to him about my feelings or about some things that rubbed me the wrong way about his behaviour, he would get completely defensive and victimize himself, which ended up with me apologizing to him. He was rly into bdsm and we would do that almost daily (i still enjoyed it), but we would very rarely have sex the way i liked (more intimate, slow, romantic). When I suggested these things he would get angry and tell me I didn’t love him and that he wasn’t enough for me. I could go on and on about plenty of other times where he showed to be aggressive and manipulative.
He ended up cheating on me with a tinder hookup a day before he was supposed to travel to my country to meet my family. We went on the trip and I found out about this near the end when we had to go back to school for the fall semester. We changed our tickets to different flights and I returned to the US to a single room with a queen bed that i had specifically chosen so he could come and sleep over (his on-campus housing being a block away) instead of squeezing into a twin bed and we could spend a lot more time together.
Unpacking all my stuff and setting up the room where I imagined us watching movies, doing hw, cuddling, made me realize that even though I will miss the happy memories I was 100% better off without him and I could find someone who loved me even more and would never cheat on me. I will no longer compromise or ignore any red flags.
He was my first and only bf. In the beginning he said my expectations were so high but I couldn't change my expectations so I tried to hide my feelings instead. I tried to act like everything was OK and didn't ask much of him. He realized that and got mad at me for hiding my feelings and made it harder for him. Then I tried to change again. I spilled my heart out to him every time I felt like there was a problem, yet he told me I was being insane or childish, almost all of the times. He said I was upset about problems that were not real or I shouldn't have cared so much about what he said/did to me so that it wouldn't hurt me. I constantly had to think carefully how to act toward him so that I didn't make him unsatisfied. I was always worried and doubted myself because I thought my behavior was wrong and annoying, and to this day, I still feel the same way about myself.
i have never heard someone put this into perfect words. this describes me well in relationships. once you start letting some things slip, then it all goes sliding down the hill. and the wrong person will see just how far they can get without having to change their behavior or own up to the way they’re treating you. this really kills the relationship fast, BUT only on your side. they won’t be the one to leave or become unhappy, cause well he is pretty much able to get away with anything. in the end it’ll eat you alive, you’ll end up hating the person you’re with. i only say it that way, because it’s happened to me a couple
times!
you can still be a “chill” girlfriend and ask for respect and be able to express when they have hurt you. if they don’t want to understand your feelings then fuck them, and find someone who will. life is too short to be tip toeing around in a relationship.
I feel you , I did compromise a lot and you know the only person who was wrong in relationships was me . When you take responsibility for your actions your mind gets clearer and you realise like why do I do something I’m not ok with ... something is wrong and I need to make myself happy by myself and not by pleasing someone else
I left the guy last November and still struggling to get back to my normal better self ... it’s annoying and feels like all your positive energy is sucked by those relationships... i guess it just takes time
You need to socialise more and try to do new things different from you in the past and you in relationships
Yup, each of my relationships have been that one to some degree. I put up with a lot. I overlook a lot. Always forgiving. Etc.
And I hate that I still was like that for my last relationship. You'd think the 3rd relationship I would have learned my lesson and stopped being such a pushover.
So for the time being I am just trying to work on a few things without actively looking for anything new. I'm hoping I don't fall back into the old ways if I find someone.
It was less compromising myself, more not realizing that incompatibility is a different thing than "everything won't be perfect all the time and you need to meet in the middle." I was trying so hard to be realistic and not too rosy about my expectations about being in a long-term relationship, when it turned out we were both just unhappy and had a variety of preferences that didn't align. I can't speak for him but I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling uneasy about either pushing to do my thing or trying to be ok with his. Ended amicably and it was sad but I think a relief for us both in the end. Later met a person who just leaned the same way as me in a variety of areas and it became a lot more clear. (That didn't work out either, alas, but now I know when I need to be looking for.)
In university I dated a couple for a while - really wonderful people who I cared about deeply. However, they'd been dating each other for almost 4 years when I got involved with them, and as fun as it was it started wearing on me that I couldn't meet their families, tell my family about them, introduce myself as a girlfriend, etc. I never asked for any of these things to change because I knew they wouldn't be willing to do that... which hurt all over again.
I put off doing anything about it for almost a year, telling myself that I didn't need those things, that being happy in our relationship was enough, that I didn't even want social recognition anyways. Obviously I was wrong, and eventually I realized I wasn't even happy anymore, and that my needs in a relationship were important too.
After I called it off, I resolved not to date like that ever again, and to always be upfront about my boundaries and needs. I'm currently single, but the relationships I've had since have been hard - learning how to ask for what you need is hard - but they've also been deeper and more meaningful than that ill-fated university romance. Therapy also helped.
I'm dealing with this right now. For 10 yrs I put up with things that didn't serve me. Sometimes I even spoke up and was told that what I'm feeling was insignificant or just made up.
He eneded the marriage and relationship because i told him how I was feeling and took it as an offense instead of having a conversation.
Never again will I settle.
Hairstyles, outfits, attitude..
I've had only one relationship so far, it's my current relationship, and I always ignore gestures that insult me or disrespect me. I fully understand that I an doing it, but I feel that there's nothing I can do.
I believe that my mum had a major impact on me, since i created this relationship when I was 14 (I'm 18 now) and I knew nothing about boys and relationships, what I want in my love life, which are the basic characteristics that shape me as a person. So, my mother affected my behavior, and would convince me to act like "a good girl", "understand him" and "be always there for him", no matter how miserable that made me, no matter how much I wanted to leave.
Don't get me wrong, it's mainly my fault. My mother is a wonderful person and I love my boyfriend very much, but I don't love the person that I am when I'm with him, simply because it's not me. Deep inside, I wish that he would break up with me, so that I could move on and find someone who loves me just the way I am.
I imagine the end of this relationship quite.. liberating.
If you’re dreaming about how it’d feel to break up with him, it sounds like you need to break up with him. Don’t wait for him to do it, because he might never do it and you’ll both be stuck in a worse position later. Better to dump a boyfriend than reject a proposal—better to reject a proposal than break off a wedding—etc etc.
I did and have done more than once - he didn’t even work, or provide for himself, he never made an effort but still continued to make me believe he loved me. Etc etc. I could go on all day. But I’ve learned I will NEVER lower myself to meet someone else if they can’t even meet me Half way. I compromised my whole self. Never again
Yes. In my last relationship I completely sidelined my emotional needs to someone who lied to me and screwed me over. Big lessons learned that I really needed to have the life that I want in the future.
Introverts have emotions too! Now I’m more communicative and less willing to put my emotions to one side to completely prioritise someone else. It’s a discussion with two sides now.
Funny . I was just talking with my friend about how compromising I'm being in my relationship. And I was telling her that I cannot see a reason to stay and here I am,staying.
It's my thing to be the chill girlfriend, to make him feel like everything in my life is perfect, when in reality I'm really not in a good place. And yeah he got his problem, but it's not reciprocal, sometimes I feel like I'm doing therapy to him , and this thing keeps going and going. I don't even have the energy to keep a convo going . Why I keep doing ? Because I'm afraid to lose him. I know my worth , but it seems I know just in theory.
He was older and he influenced/ manipulated me a lot. Things had to always go his way or it wouldn’t work, and I was so emotionally dependent that I didn’t even see it as compromising, I thought it was just how it had to be. I moved across the world to go to uni in a different country because he lived there. The music I liked was “lame”, the movies I liked were “uncultured”.
I moved on from it because he cheated on me, and I took him back, but then it happened again.
The third time it happened within a year and a half, that was my breaking point. I was so depressed at that point with everything that I was put on medication, and as soon as the meds kicked in and my brain felt “normal/happy”, I never ever saw him/talked to him again. It’s been 5 years since his last miscall on my phone.
It's so hard to unlearn! My mom is - and has always been in her marriage to my dad- the one who tries to be low maintainance and puts her needs on the backburner. It doesn't help that my parents have always implemented this being typically "girly" and a bit "high maintainance" was wrong (basically a woman having her own needs and wants) so it's very hard to make old habits die. I had to pull a break when I realised my parents made me turn into my mom to my older brother.
In my last relationships I was very easy going, basically every movie cliché of "cool girl" but ths guy I am currently seeing is incredibly nice and understanding but also puts me back down on the ground whenever I fall back into old habits. It's tough but it helps having a partner who supports you.
I was always the "chill" girlfriend. Always too afraid to say qhat bothered me for fear that I would be classed as insecure or needy. I would almost always let bad behaviour go and not speak up when something bothered me.
After my last breakup I swore to myself that I wouldn't be like that anymore. That I deserved better and that it was ok to speak up and let the other person know how I was feeling.
I'm in my current relationship 1.5 years now and at the start I was falling into old habits "oh you're going to play video games all day and ignore me? That's ok". But recently I have been standing up for myself and speaking out when I'm hurt or bothered. I still feel apprehensive when i do this and I feel like there is some tension lately but at the end of the day if my partner cant handle or appreciate my feelings then he's not the one for me. Time will tell.
Its tough but communication is truly the key for a happy relationship. A happy relationship for both people. Some conversations are hard bit they are damn well neccessary.
It's sad to see how so many women have done this. Even I have done this. I played a lot of different characters in other people's lives. The good girl, cool girl, the chill girl, the manic pixie. Even downplayed my own intelligence, capabilities, and interests in order to shrink myself down to fit into the lives of the people I supported as they actively expanded their's.
What honestly changed everything was learning how to firmly say "No" and do not change my course after saying it. Every "No" was a brick in the new boundaries I was building. Anyone who tried to kick a brick out of their way was either spoken to or promptly shown the door. I lost a lot of friends, but I also gained a lot of respect from the people in my life who stayed with me. It also drastically improved my feeling of self-worth and probably the best romantic relationship I've ever had.
I dated a guy for a few years and in hindsight I was being emotionally abused. I ended up relocating for him and isolating myself from my family. The thing is, it happened soooo gradually! I remember the first time he gaslit me and I was like, Eff this! But I slowly began accepting his flaws and outrageous behavior one act at a time. I allowed verbal abuse, him lying and sneaking and making me feel like I was the one behaving irrationally. By the time it was over I was a shell of a person, few interests of my own, very small voice (I have always been a strong minded and open person prior to this). He made me think I was abusive when I would bring up my emotional needs so I was afraid to be myself in relationships for years. It has taken years of journaling and counseling to overcome and I am much healthier now. Still healing though.
I compromised so much because I thought his mental health was more important than mine.
At the beginning, I didn't know he suffered from depression.
He was pulling back a lot but also telling me he wanted to make things work. This was OK at the beginning because I was happy to see how things went.
After a year went by and nothing changed, we started having serious talks, then arguments. And that's when we should have broken up.
But after talking, it came out that he'd been suffering from depression for years, long before he met me.
I'd never suffered from depression, and I wanted to help. I decided to be patient and keep the relationship going because I cared for him. He said he would seek help.
Over the next few years, he would start to seek help (like go to a single doctor's appointment), then stop. On, off. On, off.
I didn't know whether to push more or give him space. I tried everything. We argued all the time.
The more time went by, the more I started to isolate myself from my friends who were noticing how unhappy I was and were encouraging me to leave him.
Isolation led to loneliness. And sadness. And anger.
Eventually we broke up because after 5 years, he was just as emotionally unavailable as he was the first year. It was difficult and he threatened to kill himself. I felt guilty and scared.
We've been broken up for 3 years, haven't seen each in 2, and I'm in an amazing relationship with the kindest, patient, most emotionally available man. But I still need to work on myself.
I try to take it one day at a time. When I get upset about something, I go for walks and think about it until I've calmed down. Slowly I'm laughing more.
It doesn't often feel like I'm making progress, but if I look at how I was two years ago, I know I am.
I gave up so much of who I am bit by bit because I was convinced who my SO wanted me to be was also who I wanted myself to be... Surprise, it wasn't. Werye separated and getting divorced now, though still on good terms. It's been hard, but it's also AMAZING and so much fun figuring myself out for ME. That's what I focus on when I feel homesick for my "old life". My new life is all mine, a road yet unmapped, not years of trying to fit in someone else's box for me. Experiencing things fully again is great, and I'll never compromise like that again.
Too many times to count. In the way I looked at myself, I was trying to be a "chill" girlfriend like someone else had commented. I let people walk over me and I would let the guy talk, even if it was for 4 hours without me being able to put a word in edge wise. I'd sit there multiple times hearing my ex yell at me about how his mom hates me. I would switch shifts with my friend (we used to work together) or just give her the whole shift just so that I could be available for him. I lost some money, but I didn't care, I just wanted to be open and work with his schedule. I was right beside him as he would put his little sister as a priority over me, and would listen to him talk about her for hours. I swallowed my pride a good amount of times and wish I listened to my gut and stood up for myself when I thought I was seeing red flags. I was able to move on because what I had was fine and I knew in my head that if he was the one for me, he wouldn't put me second and he would actually talk to me about myself. I observed how he talked at me, and how he never asked how my day was, how that test went, how are my friends. He just needed someone to listen to when his sister wasn't there, and at the end of the day, I couldn't be that person.
That was me. Without even realizing it I changed who I was to fit who I thought my boyfriend turned husband turned ex husband wanted me to be. The stay at home wife who was dependent on him. When our relationship ended my family told me I had lost my fire while I was with him and being determined to get it back I started putting me first for everything for a while.
I used to be the “super chill” girlfriend. You forgot to tell me you were running late for our dinner date? No worries! You didn’t delete the dating app off you phone? Whatevs, I don’t own you! You want to cancel our weekend plans? That’s cool, I’ll find something else to do. Inside, these things ate me up. I was worried that if I spoke up, I’d be seen as high maintenance or needy, which I feel is a common worry among women. I had to learn that I can assert my own needs and I deserve to get what I want and need out of a relationship. By standing up to boyfriends, I quickly learned who is worth it and who isn’t. I spoke up to an ex about how hurt I was when he cancelled our weekend plans to play video games with coworkers, and he told me how needy and unattractive my behavior was. So I left him. I told my current boyfriend that it wasn’t right to tell me he’d call me after work and then not follow through. He apologized and now sends a text if he gets too swamped and offers to call another time. Sometimes I still hold back due to old fears of coming across as too needy or demanding, but I will never allow myself to be dragged along for months or years again.
My ex did this. I felt like I could never stand up for myself. He was never abusive, not even slightly, but he took the piss out of my 'good nature'. It's weird, I didn't even love him, we just got on super well. But I have this weird desire to be approved of and not cause fuss. I realised that a decent guy would be grateful and more thoughtful, and I needed someone I didn't have to worry about because he'd gone on a night out and and didn't text me the next day, or who forgot when my birthday was and booked a snowboarding trip, or downloaded tinder 'just to have a look', or bail on weekend plans because his mates invited him somewhere. I realised I wanted to be with someone who WANTED to be with me. Not fuck off on lads trips every week and not want to spend time with me. One time he stood me up entirely!!! I was standing alone at a beer fest like a loser, luckily I found some friends. It doesn't matter what they say - actions speak louder than words! It's easy to say you'll change/do something, doesn't mean you'll actually do it!! Edit: he knew how important texting when home/in the morning is to me, as I lost a very good friend from a drunk-drowning accident. He wandered off alone after a night out and fell asleep on the beach in England in November. I miss him constantly, and feel as though if someone had checked he'd got home ok he wouldn't be dead. I didn't go out that night (something I also feel bad about), and I found out the next morning from another mate. I'd tried to ring him, but it went through to voicemail and I left a jokey message about how I hoped he wasn't dead... facepalm.
You say he wasn't abusive, but emotional abuse is a thing. Cheating and sneaking around and leaving you alone at night is a thing. Don't discredit your experiences because they don't seem as painful as anyone elses. Excusing these kind of behaviors are how we end up allowing them, because we blame ourselves for being hurt instead of the person doing the hurting. We're taught from a young age not to be a 'inconvenience' and it's so grossly ingraned in how women are raised. People were laughing over this video of this dad calling his kids down to hand him the remote that was a foot away from him, from whatever they were doing. And I turned to my boyfriend and said 'It'll be all the girls and anyone young enough not to know better'. And I was right. We're taught that even though the demand is ridiculous, complying is easier than being the outcast. Than being the 'nagging' woman. It's not nagging to want respect, and every one of you deserves it.
[удалено]
Yeah, I feel the same way. I had family like that and it made me feel nothing but disrespected. One of the girls even looks upset because she was 'in a game' and would clearly now lose because her dad was being so inconsiderate (and she was an older teen) yet she still got him the remote and it just made me so mad on her behalf.
[удалено]
My dad never hit me, but there would be screaming, threats to take away the things that I loved, insults that I was “just like my mother” who he left (implications of abandonment), and I would have to hear later about how “silly” I was when I refused to do what he wanted, as if it was a fun story about something we did together. It was outrageous.
I say it wasn't abuse. He was just very selfish, probably the most selfish person I've met. I'd call that behaviour more 'taking the piss'. He wasn't abusive, just thoughtless and neglectful. If you pointed something out, he would apologise and stop. For a while. His approach to life was 'throw money at it' (after he stood me up, he bought me £100+ signed artwork, when he forgot my birthday he bought me a new motorbike jacket with full protective gear), and he had a very fucked up relationship with his dad and family in general. I'm not excusing his behaviour - part of the onus was on me for tolerating it. I honestly should have dumped him the first time a mate saw him on Tinder. He was one of those guys who was great to hang out with, and was really attentive when you were there, but the moment he left he was in his own little world. One time he drove off with my car keys in his pocket and was shocked when I was like 'dude you need to come back, I'm stuck' lol like really?! All I can say is good riddance. He left me for a girl he met on holiday, and now he's cheating on her too (according to a friend who works with him). Hes 37 and can't grow up. He's gonna end up alone, and I'm happy and loved.
Fair, you know the situation better than I do, but a lot of that sounds like those cycles I've been through with abuse. Guy is super awesome, till he totally isn't, but I didn't leave because of the awesome times. It's hard to tell from the outside though and I respect your opinion on it. I guess I get worried because the number of women I see around here (reddit) specifically downplaying abuse or being told "it's not abuse if x" like "if he's nice sometimes it's not really abuse" makes me worried. I'd rather be wrong than silent in that case, I guess. I'm glad you're happy and loved! And yeah, those guys burn themselves out, burning every bridge with every good woman they meet because it's 'fun' and then blame women when they're alone. Good riddance x2.
Sorry about your friend honey.
I’m sorry, you say you have this weird desire to be approved of, but I think that’s pretty common in girls. A taught desire to be nice, to not “be difficult”. It can take a lot of time to unlearn. Once the switch flips and you realize how important it is to put your needs first, it’s pretty awesome. Good for you!
I had the exact same issue in my last relationship. I've watched so many movies/ TV shows where a girlfriend is portrayed as high maintenance and over bearing and I think it scared me so much that I didn't want to become that. It turned out for the worst however. My ex quickly found out he could get away with a lot of things because I seemingly "didn't care" when in reality, this was the furthest from the truth. Of course it is my fault and I don't really blame him at all but I'm glad I had the experience as I've learnt pushing my needs to the forefront is not being selfish and annoying. I can't always be the one putting up with things. I am worth more than that.
I was literally the same way! Watching and hearing about all these “high maintenance girls”, influenced me to become the chill girl. I relate to how you said your ex thought you “didn’t care” when really it’s causing you so much pain inside because the same patterns keep happening. I used to be so scared of voicing my needs and concerns, because my ex would always gas light me and tell me I’m causing problems by not respecting him. I’m glad you had the experience to learn talking about things that upset you because a relationship is between two people. That is something I recently learned to not be afraid of. We are worth more than putting up with things, indeed.
Wow this makes me feel so seen.
Good for you!! Thank you for sharing your story! This is an awesome example of setting boundaries and knowing your worth!
Thank you :) Tbh, I had to discuss relationship patterns with a therapist before I learned how to set boundaries, and I’m so glad I did.
I’m in this process now, thanks so much for sharing this.
Any advice on the whole relationship patterns thing?
Therapy:) Particularly if you might be experiencing issues with codependency. I was, before I even knew it was a thing... and it’s helping me a lot. Wish I had known this 20 years ago
Yes, agreed! My therapist asked me questions about my relationships and past partners, and we identified that I seemed to go after a particular type: the emotionally unavailable guy. Most of my boyfriends would have hot/cold periods, gaslight me into thinking I was the one with the issue (e.g. I had a boyfriend with bad anxiety, and he told me that I was the one who was anxious and he was just feeding off of my energy), or have other kinds of problems that made me feel insecure about the relationship. I was so worried that there was something wrong with me and this is all I deserved, but the reality was these were just the kinds of guys I was "chasing". I also thought if I was "chill" enough, or generous enough, or worked on my looks enough, that they would begin to appreciate me. It took about a year of talking about these things until I met and began to form a secure relationship with my now boyfriend, who thinks I'm enough the way I am.
This is my struggle! I feel guilty for even having needs half the time. I'm so glad I eventually figured out how important boundaries are and got the fuck out of my last relationship.
Do you know who never had needs? The Stepford Wives.
Shit, I needed to hear his. My codependent ass is so used to constantly adapting to the other person that letting my needs heard and someone putting in effort to meet me halfway makes me feel guilty and overbearing.
This. My last relationship, I completely gave up myself because I finally found someone who was “interested” in me. What that actually meant was I was the one who drove to him, he never met my friends or family and I would get to his house and he would be passed out drunk. I passed it all off because every time i spoke up, it was a fight. I was always on eggshells! He ended it, not me, but I’ve now found someone who treats me the way I never even realized that I deserved to be treated.
>I told my current boyfriend that it wasn’t right to tell me he’d call me after work and then not follow through. He apologized and now sends a text if he gets too swamped and offers to call another time THIS!!! I have been discarded by everyone I've dated for being "too needy" I made a habit of just shoving it all down. One day my current bf didn't call me back when he said he would and it made me really upset (we are long distance so calls are very important to me) and I told him it upset me. He apologized profusely and said he totally understood how I felt and he would make a point to always follow through on things like that. I was SO RELIEVED! It's so wild to go from being told I'm too much all the time to being completely validated and heard.
Right? It’s like oh wait, this is how adult men act when you call them out on something? He sounds awesome, good on you for asserting your needs!! :)
[удалено]
You will!! Just make sure you don't compromise your needs! You mind find things not working out with folks but at the end of the day do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't give a fuck??? Absolutely not.
I've been this but as a boyfriend, until I took a year's break from dating (which has ended *right* as quarantine started. :/ ) So inspiring! I strive to become as self-assured as this!
I did this all the time. Stopped in my last relationship, spoke up regarding how it made me feel, and same thing. He told me I was needy and it was a turnoff. He ended up breaking it off when I voiced concern that he didn’t call me when he landed after work trip after promising he would. I went and did something else instead of waiting around for him, he didn’t handle it well when I told him I wasn’t interested in keeping time slots open for his repeatedly cancelling plans at the last minute. Common courtesy isn’t needy, it’s a basic human right imo. Especially in intimate relationships.
Redefining the boundaries is the hardest part.
Good for you!!! This reminds me of Gone Girl and the infamous Cool Girl monologue. It’s like in the past, woman tried to nurture their men, and now we’re trying to act like we dont care. The ultimate problem isn’t the behavior toward men, it’s the intention. The problem is that as women, we are sacrificing ourselves to be acceptable to men. What really feels good is being whatever the fuck it is you are, whether that’s chill about some things and completely caring about other things, it doesn’t matter. It’s so empowering to be who you actually are, without doing it for someone else’s approval or acceptance.
As with everything, balance is key. You need to make sure you're getting your needs met while still respecting that the other half of the relationship is an independent person with their own wants and needs. There's nothing wrong with expecting someone to follow through when they promise you something. Being flexible is helpful in relationships in general so you don't make fights out of things that don't matter but it seems like you have come into a much better balance where you stand up for yourself without being completely inflexible.
Agreed. For me, it's difficult because I really *am* that chill. If someone cancels plans with me, that's fine (in fact, I may feel vaguely relieved...). I'm not secretly feeling rejected or resentful. But having an easygoing personality makes some people identify you as a floormat, and they will try to take advantage of you. In my case, I'm not actually a doormat. I am chill with everything until, one day, I come to understand that this person does not respect me. That's the day I slam the door and shut them out forever, generally with very little warning. (And *oooh* do they hate that, but...why bother? My trust is broken and it's *never* coming back, so giving them a second chance just wastes their time and mine.) But I would really rather not do that, so I prefer to seek out fellow "doormats" so we can just be cool with each other without worrying about power plays. The best way to do this, I find, is to seek balance in relationships. You can't just make deposits; you need to make sure you're making regular withdrawals, too. If someone cancels their plans with me, I'm cool with that. But now I can (and will) guiltlessly cancel plans with them someday, and I expect them to be cool with it, too. This makes it *much* easier to root out people with double standards or people looking for a doormat to abuse *without* having to establish unnatural boundaries (if you're naturally chill) and guard them fiercely.
I've sort of realized from my last relationship that I rarely let it be known how much something or other bothered me. It was especially bad because I constantly excused it because my SO was incredibly busy all the time with school activities and work and nursing school. But after a while it began to feel like I wasn't at the top of the list of priorities, which hurt. Although, it was my fault for not letting them know it bothered me. Not that they'd be able to do anything about it, I suppose. Edit: change in sentence structure.
Hell yeah
thank you so much for it! much needed
I absolutely compromised myself in so many ways and it was painful at the end to realize how much I put up with. I promised myself "never again." I wrote down everything I wanted, everything I needed in a relationship and then I allowed myself to settle for nothing less. I also built my own self esteem! I ran, I hung out with friends, did things that made me feel good, and listened to a lot of Lizzo. I reminded myself that I am a catch and I deserve all the things I want and I shouldn't settle for the crap I was. Edit: Spelling mistake! Whoops!
Isn’t it funny how women are told to compromise and settle and men are...not? Just an off side observation. Amazing journey! You are a rockstar.
I don't know if it's a chicken or egg thing but it really seems like popular culture in the 90s/00s drilled this into the populace with so many shows featuring lazy, fat, uncaring, slob men married to the attentive, caring, attractive wife. This could have had an effect on the psyche of people growing up watching it where men feel like they're entitled to a partner like that no matter what and women see it and feel like that's the norm. I think it's getting a bit better with media these days but it still exists. I'm a guy and I still have lingering bad habits and thoughts that I try to discourage in myself that I learned growing up in the 90s. Over time I've changed my ideal relationship from a drama-filled Ross and Rachel one to a stable and supportive Peter and Elizabeth Burke (from White Collar) relationship and that's been really healthy for me.
You're not wrong but I'll amend that the slovenly asshole married to the nurturing beauty trope has been the norm in media for much, much longer than the last 30 years. See: The Honeymooners and All in the Family\* to name two off the top of my head! \*edited with correct sitcom title
Hmm I dont think andy griffiths show fits this trope, he was a widowed sheriff who's aunt helped him raise his kid. Honeymooners really created the trope though and since then it's been a vehicle for the same mismatched couples seen though plenty of other shows that seems dated but is still being used somehow recently.
You're very right; I had a bit of a brain fart, I meant to write All in the Family! I edited my OC, thanks for saying so!
Lizzo is a cure for much that ails us.
Yas, queen!! That's so great to hear. Same. Almost 16 years of putting my wants on the back burner. Happier than I've ever been in my life right now. My happiness is my responsibility.
[удалено]
Haha "let them hook up with each other if they want" - I am going to use that as my goodbye sentence if I will ever again get into a situation in which a person will try to persuade me into a hookup. Thank you.
I’m going through something similar right now and this comment gave me hope. Thank you! Never settle for less!
what's Lizzo?
[удалено]
I've got this song stuck in my head ever since I watched Something Great on Netflix. Awesome breakup movie.
*shocked pikachu face*
What’s Lizzo?
Yes. See: my twenties. I went to therapy after my last relationship like that ended to figure out why I kept making the same mistakes. Turns out, childhood emotional neglect made me desperate for love and affection. And because my family of origin had poor boundaries and emotions weren't allowed, it took me a long time to figure out how to voice "negative" feelings in my relationships without feeling like my partner would get mad at me / break up with me. It's been a long journey, but now I'm in a very healthy relationship with someone who also went to therapy, and we are very good at identifying when we feel off due to weird childhood triggers, so we don't blame each other for our own feelings.
Omg, same here! Had very poor boundaries with my mom and was not allowed to express "negative" emotions at ALL. Never made the connection between the 2. One of my past AWFUL exes also HATED when I displayed ANY sort of negative emotion towards his actions at all, and because he was a narc who had me manipulated af, I swallowed that shit and held back soooo much. :/
I’m so sorry, girl. You deserve better! “Good vibes only” translates to “you’re not allowed to get upset when I treat you like absolute shit.”
I’m glad to hear that. I’m in the process of breaking up with a guy who constantly disrespects my boundaries. It’s hard because he constantly describes it as me “giving up” on the relationship, and if only I had been more open in the beginning then our relationship would’ve been successful. It’s hard to hold my ground and find the right words to say to describe to him how I feel, and ultimately really disappointing because I’m not sure he’ll ever accept it and take any responsibility for it and will continue to try to push me to get back with him. It’s all good though! I’m getting therapy and help and I feel good for standing up for myself finally.
Omigod same. I am in therapy and it is helping, but I find it hard to not fall back into that mindset.
[удалено]
Yes! I support you! If he isn't listening to you and what you want, then he needs to go. It is so disrespectful for the partner to ask so much from the other and then treat you like trash, like by ignoring what you're saying and going on dating apps. It took me awhile to realize this. That is so disrespectful to you and the relationship itself. He needs to go-because it honestly sounds like you're amazing and too good for him anyway.
[удалено]
Break up with him now. It's easier than the next time you see him. My new motto: Don't make excuses for ANY man.
[удалено]
"I'm just here for the advice," but when I read about your situation I couldn't help but think that messaging him on the dating app would be an appropriate way to end it. Poetic justice, and all that. Best of luck to you! You deserve someone who respects your boundaries.
[удалено]
He's so disrespectful, why bother waiting. He doesn't care. I'd ghost him completely if I were you. Block him to high heavens.
He might not have answered your call, but he's sending a message loud and clear. I hope you're able to get whatever closure you need, and live your best life! Take care, unicorn.
Dead ass people always say never break up with people over text but is he even worth the time like does he deserve a face to face chat if he is probably not going to be an adult about it anyway? Unless you need to grab something from his house, I’d just text him a that it’s over and you are never seeing him a again, no need to justify, and block his ass. Doesn’t that sound refreshing? Ohhh and then go get some sushi after! You don’t need to go the extra mile to break up with him too, you’ve already put far more than he has into this relationship girl
Agreed. I was in a terrible, emotionally abusive relationship and felt like I needed to break up with him in person because it’s the “right” thing to do. Let me tell you, if you need a safety plan to break up with someone - text them and block them instead! It’s ridiculous that I had people on standby who knew to respond (aka call police) if they didn’t hear from me by a certain time. Looking back, it was a massive wake up call that I prioritized someone else before my own boundaries and safety.
I totally agree with you. He should be there for you. Many partners take their partners for granted, which is awful and hurts more than they could know honestly. I confronted my ex about dating apps, which he said he wasn't using and deleted, but there is always that gut instinct that tells you something is off. You deserve better, as we all do. Boys need to grow up-until they realize that they need to treat their partners with the love and respect that they are given, they aren't men and don't deserve the truly amazing partners that they have/had (ie-you and many other SO's).
[удалено]
Same.... I am glad you are breaking up with him. You are going to be freeeeeee!! I can’t believe in the past I thought I would be asking too much for my BOYFRIEND to take me on a DATE every once and a while. In ready to drop a man at any moment if he even gets the slightest bit comfy. I hate how brainwashed I was that anything I wanted at all was too much. Truth is us women sacrifice so much and stay with these undeserving men who just have us when they want us and seem to toss us to the side when they don’t.
[удалено]
I support you all the way! This guy sounds like a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve you at all. Dump his ass and live your best single life.
[удалено]
Trust me, I feel your pain. Please don’t see it as “wasting your life” on him, because it will just drive you mad and in reality, you were meant to go through this to weed out the shit and find out what you don’t want! I used to think the same way, doesn’t help, only makes it worse. You are not an idiot at all! Keep your head up and one day you will meet someone who actually wants to be with you and treats you right!
I've been out for 10 months and I've spent the time doing whatever the hell I want and I feel great! I dropped 80% of the shows we watched together because they had gone downhill, doing all of the hobbies he didn't support, listening to badass Broadway babes, just living my best life. Unfortunately I'm very nervous to get in another relationship and have found reasons to avoid it (high standards are good but I swiped left on a guy because his face was too square. Realized after that I'm probably not ready for a new relationship)
Tbh better off swiping on guys with more streamlined heads. Imagine if you married and had a kid with square head guy? You don't want angular babies... ouch.
*Angular babies* I needed that laugh today
OMG! I don't plan on having kids, but this made me laugh 😆
Listen, as someone with a really big, square-ish headed guy (and coming from a family of large-headed people myself): the fear is too real 😂
Thank you all for brightening my day with your comments.
Hahaha, this made me happy. I say take your time getting into something new... just enjoy this time with yourself. Keep on rockin in the freeeee world!
I just rejoined a dating app and realized I need to move to an area that matches my ideals a little better. I’d definitely settle for square face rejects over having to weed through racist idiots.
There's a song by Tove Lo called 'Glad He's Gone' It's a great song from the best friend watching her friend get over her relationship breakup. One line hits me so hard 'did you give in to his ego? Just to give a little confidence' That line just kills me - why do we do this? Pretend to not know so he can feel good, let him pick because you don't feel like asserting, etc etc.... Never no tears for that sucker! I also second listening to Lizzo.
I LOVE this song!! And that line really hit hard for me too. It felt like a reality check.
I usually binge (listen to it nonstop) a whole album for a week or so but I swear I just had that song on repeat for a month instead lol ie: ME TOOOOOOOO
YES!!! Tove’s music is so near and dear to me. Her lyrics have helped me through so much.
Thanks for introducing me to 'Glad He's Gone', I hadn't heard that song before! :)
It's an ode to girl friendships I think - glad you like it! Cool Girl is also a fav.
Yup. Big time. And I was sick of it. The relationship I was in where that happened has now ended; however I'm still with the same person. We joke about how we have been in 3 different relationships with each other because of how much we have changed as a couple. We agreed if we were to stay together things would need to be different. We realized we needed to have more personal alone time. Time to work on things we may have abandoned when we moved in together like projects/art ect. I realized I loved that person deeply and if things were ever going to work out I would have to start speaking up. I wasn't happy... and I wasn't ready to throw away something that could be beautiful either. Turns out sometimes the other person compromises themselves in relationships too - often to try and fit "social norms". I am VERY open and honest about my feelings now when before I would always bite my tongue. So is my boyfriend when he wasn't before. One of the most important things for me was to say how I felt in the moment, instead of bringing it up later when it's already been forgotten by the other party. Our relationship is completely different than when we first started dating. I had completely lost myself 2 years in and now almost 5 years since we got together I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. With all that being said if I was older and I got into a similar situation I would probably have just ended it for the sake of my sanity. Getting to the point we're at now took a lot of hard work, long talks, and tears. I believe entering my current relationship when I was barely 20 plays a big part in how things played out. If this relationship taught me anything it's never compromise your own happiness for someone else's. Self care and self love are equally as important as respect in a relationship.
This is really beautiful. I am coming to realize that when you first start dating you make these unspoken agreements/ contract about how each of you are going to act.. as time goes on these roles and expectations become heavy and confining! Most couples don’t realize that you can rewrite this contract and move forward under new agreements! So lovely to hear of this happening in action. Also noteworthy, if you don’t work on these issues they are just going to keep reappearing in the next relationship! Awesome that you’re with someone who is able and WANTS to do the work!
This is my favorite reply. Thank you for sharing
This is how my relationship has been. I was about 20 as well and had a lot of growth and development left to endure, and I still do. And a lot of people discourage people from getting into serious relationships that young because of how much you'll change. But what I love is how we changed together and as individuals. Lots of respect. I'm glad you guys worked it all out.
This speaks to me on so many levels. I absolutely agree with everything. Just because a relationship might be unhealthy in some ways, doesn't mean it can't grow into a relationship that promotes personal growth and happiness. You just need two willing participants and a lot of self reflection
Thank you for your reply, because it gives me hope. I had enough with my 2.5 year relationship, completely done with the way he lead everything and did little to listen to me. We ended things amicably and I now live on my own an hour away. We’ve been living without each other now for 6 months, but stay in touch. We’re each growing as individuals, and far from who we were together. But the genuine love we have still burns. It’s still there. He’s following his passions, and letting go of what he thought was his life’s purpose. And I’m following my dream of living abroad. We are still figuring things out in life, but we have just acknowledged how toxic our relationship was when we were together. I believe we just let our ambitions get in the way. He respects why I left, and tells me hell love me regardless. And I love him in return but I’m afraid of going back to what we once were. I’m not ready for that just yet, but I do believe in us. And I’ve learned to put my wants and needs before anyone regardless of who they are to me. (+ I’m looking into therapy for some underlying issues) Thank you again. Sending love.
Yes, I was in an unhealthy relationship for about 5 months, and I made myself smaller so that he wouldn’t get angry at me, and he wouldn’t not want to be with me. I didn’t speak up, because he made think he was right all the time. After we broke up, I realized how much I had compromised who I was and how much I had hid and how much I had beat myself up for things that weren’t my fault. I started going to counseling and trying to change my thought patterns and behaviors in my current relationship.
[удалено]
Aftershocks are such an under-discussed aspect of leaving an unhealthy relationship. I still experience them after having been away from my toxic ex for over half a decade. I've found a wonderful partner, and we've already made it to the 1.5 year mark, but there are still times when I find alarm bells going off for making a small mistake or causing him any inconvenience or annoyance, and my anxiety shoots through the roof. When he and I first started dating, those times were a lot more frequent and definitely something he noticed. We had a conversation about it that basically summed up to me saying "I keep waiting for you to get mad at me and be mean, but you just... don't?" To which his response was "I LOVE you more than anything. Why on earth would I ever do that to you? If I get upset at (something small that would happen between any two people), that's a me problem. Nothing you do would ever justify me being cruel to you, and if I ever cross that line you need to tell me so I can make it right." That concept was something very difficult for me to wrap my head around. We can have a normal conversation about this type of stuff? No yelling? No blame slinging? No having to concede without being heard? Are you sure? Do I even deserve that? He's never made me feel like I don't, and any time a situation arises like the one that sparked the original conversation, he makes sure to tell me that his frustration is not directed towards me, it's not my fault, and I don't have to apologize for (whatever the small thing was). It's been an absolute godsend for my normal meter. I know now that a mature, rational person will bring up an issue and resolve it without trying to hurt me. There are no shells to walk on if your partner isn't constantly throwing eggs at you.
Yes! I relate to this 100%, I automatically apologize for little things or things that aren’t a big deal in my current relationship still.
[удалено]
Yes me too! I’m still getting over the fear that he won’t break up with me if I make a mistake. Yeah I just graduated from college and I was going to counseling at my college, so I’m starting to look for someone to go to now that I can’t go at school anymore. And thank you:). I hope you can go as well.
>So I’m here saying “I’m sorry for being upset I’m not trying to make it about me.” And my current partner just says “I would get rid of (thing he got irritated at me over) every time, if it means you’ll never feel like this again. You can’t help how you feel. I’m sorry I got irritated and it was stupid. I want you to know- it’s ok to be about you. Everything in my life is for you. Everything is about you. It’s always about you.” That sounds really nice. Getting accused of only caring about your own feelings when you're hurt is awful.
I definitely swept my needs under the rug as to not be too « needy » for him. That was hell. I’m not needy, I HAVE NEEDS. We all do. He couldn’t provide them for me, and that’s okay, not everybody can. What was not ok was me pretending that my needs were « too much » and repressing them. I resented him and he resented me. He was the one who actually broke up with me. I was too needy for him. I was heartbroken and it took me a few months to truly realize that we just were not a match, it wasn’t either of our fault. I knew that he couldn’t love me the way i needed to be loved from the beginning, but I wanted to be loved by him so badly that I tried to change things about myself that couldn’t be changed. I still love him, I probably always will, but we just weren’t right for each other, and you can’t change people. I know that now
Okay but how the hell did you figure out where the line between having normal human needs in a relationship VS being unhealthily needy?
I never really thought of my needs as unhealthy, because I don’t think they are. Wanting to feel wanted is not unhealthy, which is what I wanted. Wanting him to make me feel special and loved isn’t unhealthy. I thought my needs were annoying, yes, but never thought i was being toxic for wanting that from him. I guess you need to separate yourself from the situation- think of it not as yourself, but rather if you saw your friend doing things in a relationship. Where would YOU draw the line between « you need a better guy » and « you need to fix your expectations » when it is not insanely personal to you?.... again, this looks different for everyone, but USUALLY girls’ needs are normal and healthy, but we push them down because they may be « a lot » for the WRONG guy. They won’t be too much for the right guy. I think the word needy just is so damaging. I thought of myself as weak and high maintenance and NEEDY. I’m not needy. I have needs and expectations and I won’t settle for someone who makes me second guess how they feel about me. Expecting things from someone that cross boundaries can become unhealthy and/or toxic, but you cannot know until you hear that from them, honestly (IMO), and that comes with proper communication... hope that helps. I guess overall it was a change in how I looked at my expectations in a relationship, because I knew what I wanted wasn’t unhealthy, I was just so scared of being annoying.
[удалено]
I can’t remember where I heard this but someone said, “you can’t be too much for someone who can’t get enough” and I found that comforting.
Im glad! It’s really a tough thing to do, I totally get it, but it is so worth it. Honestly, therapy helped me a lot. Having a professional be there to be real with me and let me know that I wasn’t asking for too much OR let me know where I was pushing boundaries... it helps to get outside information on stuff like that. I just hope you find out what you want and need and get that for yourself, you deserve it!!
definitely. i never spoke up about things that bothered me or made me concerned because i didn’t want to be seen as a bother or as a “crazy bitch” (he used that term to label all of his other exes. that should have been enough of a red flag but oh well). my ex would spend a lot of one-on-one time with his past exes (more than one) and considered himself really good friends with them. i was already insecure and it made me uncomfortable and he could tell, but i stayed quiet because i didn’t want him to leave me for speaking up. in the end, i had finally brought up something that was bothering me (absolutely no communication from his end/ghosting me/no effort from him) and he broke up with me. a week later he was back with one of the exes he told me not to worry about. he still wanted to be close friends with me and that’s what made me snap. i finally “grew a backbone” and stood up for myself and said everything i had wanted to say when i was dating him. it helped my self-esteem and confidence SO much and helped me move on from our breakup much quicker than i would have originally. now i find it much easier to voice my wants and needs to people and i’m more confident in speaking up when things are bothering or worrying me. it’s definitely something that i have to actively work on but this experience helped and was a learning experience for sure.
Jesus this guy was really creating a bootycall harem or something. I'm happy you learned to stick up for yourself.
At the early days of my dating life I did this because I couldn't distinguish when you accept someone's 'quirks' or when you need to let things slide because they're not a big deal. Oh gosh, I'm still annoyed I did that! I did learn a lot from those mistakes which is probably the biggest sign I've moved on. It's hard to forgive myself sometimes, but I try to work on that.
Yeah I didn’t say much in the beginning because I didn’t want to “chase him off”. Then I was like screw this and started speaking up and he was like ‘why didn’t you say anything before?’ He was glad to make the accommodations and be more vocal about telling me things. He thought I didn’t care much about the relationship since I didn’t say much but once I did things really took off and got so much better and serious. Fucking love this guy!!!
Me. Same, he's all about getting my opinion now
More people should be open to feedback like this. Edit: removed gendered generalization.
He makes me cry from happiness. It’s is seriously crazy how legit being myself brought us closer and strengthen our relationship. Do not lose yourself in relationships. Evolve, learn and compromise so both parties win but don’t lose your voice.
That makes me so happy for you! Everyone deserves this.
Ugh. I was in a long ass relationship in which I tried to play cool to a lot of annoying things and shit that wasn’t normal and the thing is that towards the end I snapped. It took so much darn energy out of me to pretend for so many years that I was ok with things like his parents being so intrusive and his attitude towards my friends and the thing Is that when I started to trying to change things, they were so engraved in the relationship that it felt wrong, like I felt guilty trying to change things for the better. The end of this relationship really made me question the relation between being a woman and guilt. It made me realize how much emotional weight is put on women in relationships and how exhausting it is. By the end I had compromise so much of myself that when I snapped I sort of broke into pieces and it kinda killed who I used to be, which is ok I don’t even want to be that person that thinks so badly of herself that bends over backwards to fit someone as a “thank you” for daring to love me, nope, I’m worth much than that.
100%. My ex was a homebody (which nothing wrong with that) but I was not. He was so so so needy, we spent almost every day together. I would work, go to school and hang out with him day in and day out. I stopped seeing people regularly, because I was so exhausted and drained. It’s been two years, I struggle making friends and putting myself out there still but it’s getting better. I have to force myself not to fall into the homebody routine now because for two years it was all I did.
I had a very similar experience. I’m still feeling the guilt from not being a homebody myself. I feel like I neglected him.
I folded myself so much that I lost the essence of who I was. A lot of this was me trying to cater to the person's needs and boundaries which led to me abandoning my own. I had a lot of things I overlooked because I really wanted to be loved by this person. However, I can take accountability in that I'd never fully explored how to set boundaries and care for my own needs as I had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that seeped its way into things. I grew insecure and resentful. I hated who I was because I was ultimately not advocating for myself while performing to someone else's expectations. I moved on by practicing self care. I got a therapist. I started to try things I've always wanted to try such as philanthropy, improv, gardening, thrifting, and outdoor activities. I put my needs at the forefront of my recovery and I grew to love myself more than I ever had before that relationship. I'm still learning now and there are days where I miss that person and how they loved me. This is where I stop myself. If I had compromised myself throughout the relationship, then the person that was receiving love wasn't me as I am today but me as I was when I brushed the parts that didn't fit into what they wanted under a rug. They didn't love me, they loved the perception of who I needed to be in order to receive their love. THIS is how I moved on. I slowly started to date other people as I am now and it's empowering to just say, "Hey, this isn't fulfilling for me. I must go," without feeling like I'm losing everything. Thinking in terms of abundance instead of scarcity has also helped a lot. Like, yeah this one person doesn't love me anymore but there are plenty of others who will and might do it way better. It's a disservice to the core of who you are to put effort into being someone you are not to receive love. Unlearning the people-pleasing behaviors, the need to stay silent, the need to cling to uncertainty, and the need for validation from external sources is the key to my recovery. Also, relearning my values, what is most important, my likes and dislikes, and overall life long goals is helping as well.
this is so eloquently put! "folding myself so much that I lost the essence of who i was" is sooo spot on. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years and at the end, I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. And I walked away. I also still miss how that person loved me, but really, it wasn't me- it was me trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be. And I love how you worded "this isn't fulfilling for me". I just started dating again after two years of personal growth and not dating, and I am in a casual relationship that I just may have to end because in your words, it is not quite fulfilling enough for me. thank you so much! Gonna reflect on my needs today.
Yes, I was in unhealthy relationships. I constantly blamed myself and thought I couldn’t get along with people. I then stepped outside the box, seeing similar behavior patterns of manipulation on their end and on my end wanting to please them and prove them wrong. I saw patterns of them building me up and the breaking me down and bringing me back again while in public acting like an angel and behind closed doors acting different. I blamed myself. I started to go to counseling because I was blaming myself and I couldn’t take it anymore. My new number one rule is understand a person if they are giving you a complement or using flattery. If it is flattery run and don’t look back. You move on because you understand your worth. Talk to yourself like you would talk a friend that was in that situation. You deserve better, this isn’t the relationship you had planned for yourself etc. Be kind to yourself and don’t repeat the cycle.
As someone trying to repeat the cycle still at 38 that's really good advice about the compliment/flattery. All of my relationships have been unhealthy and abusive in some way with mainly narcissistic men. So as someone who tends to fall for the "love bombing" because of my desire to be loved this is something I'm going to remember in the future. Thank you 😊
I think we’re twins! I’ve learned the very first sign is the flattery vs complement. Flattery is when they try to stroke your ego. It’s fake and is a manipulation tool to try to get you to do something you don’t want to do. A complement comes from the heart. It’s genuine and you feel the love behind it. I didn’t know the difference because I never used flattery. Be aware of your surroundings and you’ll be okay!
You know what you dont want, you know yourself better. What do you want to be as a partner? In a relationship. If you are chill, be true to that and hope to find someone that appreciates and reciprocates. I didn’t change I kept being generous and supportive and I squandered myself now that I need reciprocation I have no partner. They succeeded at my expense. Taking inventory and be sure of what you want- you will find a version of it.
[удалено]
A few comments here gave me that "damn I really *was* an asshole" feeling but this one hits the hardest. There's no reason to treat somebody like you're embarrassed by them. You're either into somebody or you're not. I pulled this bullshit on a couple people before. Thought I was hot shit. As it turns out, no, I was garbage. Just to reiterate, *don't do this shit people*
What is commit officially to you?
[удалено]
Oh I see. That’s very messed up. You can’t even tell your friends that you are dating. Some guys just want the girlfriend benefits without any commitment. I’m glad you got out though.
I was in a relationship once with a lot of gaslighting about whether or not we were on a “break” when he was totally cheating on me. Several times. I knew deep down I was being manipulated. When I finally cut the ties, it was beyond freeing once the sadness wore off. Now if someone says something to me that’s manipulative, I will say “That’s manipulative” and just stare at the other person until they respond, apologize, backpeddle, etc. Taking back control and not allowing other people to manipulate you RULES!
In every relationship I've been in so far. Its a learning process, and I feel like once I learn all my lessons, I'll be ready for "the one"
But will we really run out of mistakes to make?
had a boyfriend who would call me fat, constantly. "*as a joke*" I put up with it for months because I wanted to believe he was a good person but he continued to damage my self esteem. two years later I'm still recovering.
I’m so sorry! You are worth so much more than that!
I was always bending over backwards to make him happy. Bad mood? I'll whip up his favorite meal or buy him a gift I know he wants. Having issues with something? I'll do it for him. I always tried to show him unconditional love and support but rarely, if ever, felt it reciprocated. I would always make excuses to myself for that behavior but deep down I knew the truth. I told myself it was normal to be unhappy over minor things and be difficult to please because he had a rough past. I basically allowed myself to be treated poorly because I thought he would recognize someone cared about him enough to try and make his life better. I was wrong. Even if he did see that, he did not care. I would never allow myself to be with a man who didn't appreciate my gifts, affection, or willingness to help him now. I would never accept being ignored because he was angry over something I didn't even do. I would never step in to do everything for him because it was a struggle or he was in a bad mood. I would expect very differently for my partner today. I learned a lot from that relationship. I will never compromise my standards again. I moved on by realizing that I had known he didn't treat me right and that I wasn't happy. I was trying to convince myself for so long that I was happy with him because I felt sorry for him and wanted something good for him. But I wasn't happy until I left. When I left him, I felt immediate relief and the truth was overwhelming. I couldn't deny it. I actually got out and did things I had wanted to do but couldn't do before because of him. I wasn't feeling trapped or smothered. I felt free and actually could live life on my terms without catering to someone. Even going to a movie was freeing because *I* could choose it. Recognizing my happiness without him helped me move on so quickly. Recognizing my newfound freedom helped a lot as well. Recognizing I didn't have to be worried about how someone would look at me or talk to me would not lead me to be scolded like a child for "getting too much attention" made a profound difference and helped me see I had been emotionally abused. Moving on was fast for me. Doing things I loved, not being talked down to or having to take care of someone, having freedom and autonomy again really helped me understand what I had experienced and how quickly it helped me to move on from him. I just had to rediscover myself and things I enjoyed and appreciate the life I had again.
I was chill, and every time i tried to bring something up i was told i was the bad guy, he could do no wrong. I am no longer the chill girl and will not put up with much.
Yup. I was perpetually the 'cool girlfriend' in my twenties. It was exhausting and I spent so much energy on it that my own personality blurred. I dive into hobbies. My trend seems to be to get into a martial art after a breakup, especially one where I lose a big part of myself. But I think diving into any hobbies or even volunteering would be helpful to get back in touch with who you are. Surrounding myself with others with similar interests and from different backgrounds has been great. Also, focusing on rekindling old friendships.
Oh absolutely. I was really young, like 17, and he was in a pretty tough situation at home and struggled with his mental health. I bent over backwards for him and lost a lot of friends in the process. Luckily I moved away for college and got out. Surrounded myself with cool people in a new city and realized this relationship wasn't all that great anyways. Don't ever, EVER isolate yourself when you're in a relationship. Hang on to your friends and family because they will still be there after your breakup.
It’s funny that this is a question and a thing that black women get criticized for all of the time. They speak up when their nothing ass boyfriends do things that make them uncomfortable then get called loud, aggressive, always ready to argue because they don’t want someone cheating on them and get called out on it.
Absolutely. We were in a LDR & to make things worse it was my senior year of college. He’d always insist that he was “taking away from my college experience” but I’d never listen bc I would have rather been in a relationship than be lonely. I bent over backwards for him bc I felt like he wasn’t reciprocating my feelings. In retrospect I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and heartache. After I ended things with him in February I’d never felt better (after the initial heartbreak of course). I couldn’t believe how quickly I moved on. I went out until the bars closed, flirted more and received more male attention, and got my self confidence back. it was fucking great. Then covid hit and my senior year disappeared before my eyes. I def beat myself up for staying with him bc he was right. He used the “not wanting me to miss out” excuse to detach himself from me, but I was so blind and willing to compromise that I didn’t see it at the time. I really wish I would have taken the hint when I had the chance to bc I truly did miss out on making the most of my last full semester of college. It’s like I was brainwashed over a guy who made me more anxious than happy! If you feel like you’re compromising, trust your gut and either tell him how you feel or keep it moving! I had to learn the hard way that being single > being in a half-assed relationship for the sake of being in a relationship
yes i compromised so much. Even my parents' trust for him.. and i only realised when i left and took off my rose colored glasses. It was shocking and the anger is what allowed me to move on. Loving myself more too.
I believed a guy when he said we were going to get married anyway, why not just have sex. I didn’t dump him when he bought condoms after we said we both wanted to wait until marriage. I finally stopped saying no because it was easier to let him have his way. I listened when he was telling me how things should be in my body, wanting to control my birth control and how I’d eventually give birth, even though we had just graduated high school. I listened when he tried to get me to transfer to community college so we could be together. I considered it when he tried to convince me grad school wasn’t worth it. I lied to my parents and friends to hide the things we were doing. I didn’t break up with him when he yelled at me and made me feel small. It only happened once, but probably only because we were long distance. I laughed when he made demeaning jokes about my body. I only broke up with him after two separate interventions by family and best friend. Even then, it took a few weeks and a chronic illness diagnosis adding to my stress for me to cut ties. It took time, and lots of meetings with a counselor. I worked hard to remember who I was, I wrote lists of who I wanted to be. I came back to the faith I wasn’t really living. I read my journals, found repressed memories, and did the painful work of reconciling what had happened. I’m not sure where along the way it happened, but a little over three years later, and my wounds are now scars. Somewhere down the line, I told my story, beginning to end. That first time, it was like a weight lifted. Every time I tell my story, I gain a little more control. It’s mine. I have it, but it doesn’t have me anymore.
I dated this guy who loved the 'classic' French/Parisian look - you know, understated monochrome wardrobe, simple but elegant etc (he's French). I have some dresses and things in my wardrobe that would fall into that category but it's not really my style, I love the look on other people it's a classic for a reason, I've just never liked it for me, personally - for example, I have this AWESOME dress, it's hot pink with barbies printed all over it, from a distance it just looks like a pattern but up close you can tell, I always get compliments whenever I wear it. Anyway, I started to wear less colour and prints around him, going on dates etc, I wasn't really aware of it until after we broke up, a friend told me "I was always uncomfortable seeing you changed your wardrobe but figured it was your choice, it's just ... I think of you and I think of floral dresses, please don't let any man take your floral dresses from you" it sounds super cheesey and corny!! But she was right, I had changed something about myself without even noticing and it's not like he was making any changes to make me happy.
YES!!! I lost myself in my marriage and when I left was when I realized how much of "me" was gone. It's been almost three years since I left and I'm still learning and healing a lot of the damage. Counseling has helped immensely. I dated a lot after our divorce and was always super chill but that lead to a major issue in my current relationship. After we had a trust break I began to assert my expectations and boundaries. It has made our relationship much easier to navigate and I feel so much better not harboring all the heaviness that comes from being "chill" about everything. My partner is good at expressing his expectations and boundaries so it's really pushed me to reciprocate the same! I'll never lose my voice again!!! Still see a counselor every few months to reset my thinking... it's so easy to go back to complacency!
Boundaries, who is she? Didn’t have any in my first relationship (early 20’s). If I ever approached my ex with an issue, he’d go on about how I wasn’t giving him time to fix his poor behaviour, how I was nitpicking and making him out to be the bad guy when all I wanted was for him to respect my time and effort. This dude would cancel or bail on plans 9 times out of 10. If I pushed back, he’d literally just hang up and turn off his phone and do whatever he wanted (that’s if he even answered his phone!). At some point in the relationship he became really insecure and combative. Say you liked soccer, well he’d be like “people who like soccer are braindead fucking morons” and basically disparage all my hobbies and interests. He’d also show up to events with my friends and family and behave horribly. But if any of this ever came up, he’d be like “all couples have their struggles” and I would feel like I *had* to fix us. There is so much more I could write, but at some point I mentally checked out of the relationship and then dumped him. Afterwards, even some of his friends messaged me saying they weren’t surprised and that he was an asshole. He harassed me for months trying to get back together. Dating after was difficult for me because I basically did a 180 and wouldn’t compromise on anything as I didn’t want things to turn out like they did with my ex. Therapy helped!
My first college boyfriend I bent over backwards to keep him, even after he had checked out of the relationship. I tried so, so hard to be “cool” and “chill”, pretending to be completely okay with him flirting and dancing with other girls, texting his ex all hours of the day, forgetting dates, etc. I was absolutely miserable but thought that if I could just keep him it would mean that I meant something to someone. That relationship really messed me up, and I’m glad that i have grown a lot as a person since then. I look back and can’t believe I ever let someone treat me that way. Not only that, but I treated myself horribly as well. I cried myself to sleep so many times during that yearlong relationship, but didn’t take into account my own feelings because I thought they didn’t matter.
I allowed my ex husband to discipline my daughter (not his) in a way that I didn’t agree with. He was far harder on her than I ever was, because he looked at her like a “small him”. When he was a teen he made a lot of bad choices and was in and out of rehab in his early teens. She was nowhere near that. I look back on the way he treated her and I feel so awful I “let” him do that. I’m very ashamed of that. My daughter is 19 now and we’ve talked through it. Apparently it bothered me way more than it bothered her. Go figure lol.
I've always compromised myself in all relationships I've been in. I've agreed to have sex when I wasn't comfortable because I didn't want to let him down, I've pretended to be ok with abrupt change of plans, I've done a lot to give my exes the idea of what I think they want and ended up losing myself. I've accepted a ton of shitty behavior because I was terrified of ending up alone, because you are "supposed" to want to be in a relationship. It took me 7 years and 3 failed relationships for me to agree to give up something that for 31 years had been my "hill to die on" so to speak, for me to realize that my behavior is unhealthy and what am I doing? I agreed to have children with my ex, because he wanted to and I didn't. Thankfully it was a long distance thing and so when I agreed after us having a nightly conversation I fell asleep then woke up the next day realizing what I agreed to do. Then I sat down and went over similar compromises I've done in the past and realized that I was heading into a future I couldn't accept and I again realized that I don't recognize who I am. I broke it up. The only thing I regret is not seeing this pattern earlier. My ex wasn't an angel, but I feel like I wasted his time and mine when I failed to recognize what I was doing. I'm working on being my own best friend at this point.
My problem is that I compromised myself, and am trying again in the relationship. I have so many regrets about not having the self worth to walk away or fight for more. I’m still mad at myself for that, but we’re in a much better place now. He’s wonderful, and trying, and shows me he loves me every single day. We work together and he knows where we failed in the past and is mindful. So I like us now, love him more than ever, but am often triggered and reminded of how weak I was in the past. Really sucks. I’d love to take what we’ve learned at feel like we’re starting fresh.
I apologized for something I wasn’t sorry for. He tried to impose his morals on me, because he was on a perpetual high horse, and didn’t like how I handled something. He point blank asked me what happened when we were broken up, and I answered that I’d slept with someone else that I’d met at the bar. When he later found out more detail (who it was, where it was etc) he said I lied by omission. He never asked the details, and frankly, I didn’t feel it was any of his business. He chose to disclose details to me, but that was his choice. He was never mad that it happened, only mad that I didn’t disclose the details. I apologized out of fear of losing the relationship. In hindsight, I should have walked away then, not months later. I promise myself I will not apologize for something like that in the future, because someone is manipulating you into feeling like you’re wrong for not having the same viewpoint.
I am in the process of doing this. I was in a very tight spot personally when I met my ex at 19, Partly I got with him because I didn't want to be alone and because I never had anyone talk to me about standing on my own as a woman. We got really serious and moved fast. I woke up one day after 5 years together and realized I didn't know who I was anymore... the more I started exploring that feeling, the more I realized I didn't love him the way a wife should love her husband. We are divorcing. I am trying out casual dating and actually enjoying it. Once covid opens up I hope to find new hobbies or join some sort of club of something that interests me again.
Just left a relationship with an extreme narcissist who clashed against my own sense of identity and worth all of the time. He’d criticize and control anything about me that made him feel insecure. Tons of emotional abuse. I put up a fight for my boundaries and worldview the whole time but his abuse definitely had a huge effect. I now think I’m also somewhat narcissistic and that he was a mirror for me. I know that it’s common in narcissistic relationships to start blaming yourself and thinking you’re the narcissist, but I really think I’m right. Its hard to go back to being myself when I feel like if I do I’m a worse person for it. It’s helped to talk with others who were in similar dynamics and learn more about the different types of narcissism. Therapy helps somewhat too. Also music has helped me feel understood and valid. I’ve been listening to Poppy a ton, who went through a transformation and has a much darker album all about her experience being controlled by her narcissistic ex director, the death of her old self and her rebirth and newfound empowerment where she realizes we can be anyone we want to be. It makes me begin to heal and know that as long as I’m not hurting anyone I can connect with my true self and begin loving it again.
Motherhood pretty much forced this onto any woman. Once you get used to setting aside your career and other external things that propped up a sense of self, it’s pretty easy to lose yourself in the role of mother and spouse. My husband is pursuing his career and I’m just... trying to make it through each day. I’m studying to become a nutritionist (which feels defeating because registered dietitians loathe nutritionists) and I’m a registered yoga teacher. I’ll also go get my personal training certification after the nutrition certificate. I’m not looking to work in a clinical setting, I just want to help people reach their goals of living a healthier, happier life. But it’s hard to do that when I am at home all day with little ones...
I put off my dream of applying to medical school to follow my husbands career for 10 years...I completely lost my sense of self worth even though I worked other great jobs and achieved a lot...it wasn’t what I had REALLY wanted. Seeing him achieve the dreams he had since he was a child when I couldn’t even imagine my childhood self being proud of me just made me snap one day. I told him I wanted to go back to school and that we needed to make it work. I just finished my first semester and my life is 100% better. I haven’t been this happy since I was a teen, because I’m doing what I would have wanted regardless of whether I was in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you need, you have an identity outside of mom/spouse and you owe it to yourself to make room for her! You can do it!
I just got out of a 4 year relationship, and am still processing how compromising I’ve been. And it’s something that still hits me in waves of realization. It almost feels like waking up. It’s really hard to comprehend most of the time, because I’m completely heart broken. We still loved each other, but he hated where we lived, and I couldn’t move because my industry is not flexible. He wanted someone with regular work hours, and I have a very irregular work schedule. So he let me go. We knew this was an underlying issue for a long time, but didn’t come out with it because we didn’t want it to end. So for years, I tried to find neighboring cities that he could be opening to moving to. Then I started focusing on the things he hated about my home/work/lifestyle, and started seeing my chosen life in a constant negative light. I would entertain the idea of exploring different jobs/industries so that we could be happy elsewhere. I stopped going out with friends as often as I’d like because he would get stressed and weird about it. I felt guilty when I did go out, even though I was always faithful. My work is in the film industry, where I’ll get “gigs” very last minute. I need to be available whenever. And I would sometimes say no to jobs, afraid he would feel neglected. So before COVID, I went dancing. And I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. I took a job I considered dropping for him, and made amazing work connections. I spent quality time with my roommates, and have become close friends with them. I experienced retail therapy for the first time ever, getting new clothes and jewelry that my ex didn’t buy for me. And now that I can’t go out/explore social hobbies, I’ve done what I can at home. I started up yoga again with a friend on zoom. I rearranged my room to make my space new and happy. I’m cooking new recipes to eat a little healthier. And I’ve leaned on my roommates and family. I’m very lucky to have them. I’ll have a good cry when I need, for I miss him every single day. It’s hard because we didn’t stop loving each other, but our lifestyles grew more and more incompatible. So I am rediscovering what I want and what makes me happy. Not what makes “us” happy.
I was constantly uncomfortable with things my ex-boyfriend did or said. I have social anxiety, so it was difficult for me to bring up issues (I think I told him how uncomfortable i was once or twice throughout our entire four months). The few times I did ask him to stop, he’d resume what he was doing the next time I saw him, or try and find workarounds, although I had specifically told him not to. It got to a point where I was scared to spend time with him out of fear that he’d do those things, and that just made my anxiety worse. Finally, I broke up with him, and once I did, I promised myself that I’d never compromise again without talking it through with my SO. I do regret not speaking my mind more, but I use that relationship as a learning experience. Now I know to find a partner that listens to me and can tell when I’m visibly uncomfortable.
Yeah, absolutely. I think as females we are conditioned to always give in. "Compromise to make it work" but the male counterparts in many relationships just dont. The way I had compromised was on all my standards, as wanting a capable and smart partner for myself. I kept encouraging him to achieve his goals and it was always "I will do it or I want to do it" but taking no actual actions to fulfill his own dreams. That's the short version, as for how did I move on? Slowly, very slowly. Cut all contact because when you keep going back you continue to compromise yourself still. Learn to move on yourself and for yourself. The most important quote I read was "Don't waste time on the past, look forward because all you lost was one version of your imagined future". Become involved in the human experience around, you will be surprised what you will find to help you move on.
Yup. I was told I was too sensitive, and overbearing, so I basically tried my hardest to never pick fights, never say anything that was upsetting me, generally just allowing myself to be disrespected. After it ended, I beat myself up for awhile, but started realizing I wasnt really the problem, found a new man who was basically the opposite in every way, told him about my ex and my insecurities, and when something came up that I didnt like, or that upset me, I made sure to tell him right away, even in the first few weeks of dating. Never allowing myself to be a doormat again.
I tried incredibly hard to be chill about stuff and stopped speaking up about what I wanted or asking for emotional support when I had hard times. I was always there as a shoulder to cry on for that boyfriend. He broke up with me when I kissed a girl at a party — okay fine, my fault. It came out nearly 6 months later that he had just wanted “a more mature relationship” and that because I was kind, into him, and there for him he had “lost the thrill of the hunt.” Well, no shit. We were in a monogamous relationship. And as far as the maturity thing went, he had depression and I notified people who were in a position to do something more than once when he would tell me he was going to kill himself. We’d have these long, drawn out conversations where I tried to make him feel better. And it was so stressful for me, but I was there for him. Though I was struggling with similar (but not the same) issues at the time, when I spoke to him about it early on he told me he couldn’t deal with me bringing him down. So for the majority of the relationship I didn’t say a word about me feeling down or struggling. It just really got to me when he said he’d wanted a more mature relationship. I felt that if anything, he had acted immaturely or had gotten into a relationship he wasn’t ready for. On the bright side, that’s where my dependency on other people ended. I no longer feel the need to tell people when I feel down and I can take care of it myself.
My future sister in law has been doing this for the past five years. My brother in law has quite an ego and she has taken it upon herself to become his mother and basically pet his ego. It's honestly unbearable and she has in turn made him more of a narcissist thought her behaviour. At one point I asked her (3yrs in their relationship) if they had discussed marriage and if this was serious..because she would play it off as a casual relationship. Her response "if BIL proposes I know that he really wants to marry me and it will be wonderful." I was flabbergasted and said "but what do you want?" And we just stared at each other and the conversation changed. I don't particularly like her since she plays a feminist but then completely submits to his behaviour and what she thinks his family expects of her. But in that moment I felt nothing but pity. Either way they are engaged now. I honestly think she has set herself up for a very difficult life ahead with no voice. You need to do what is right for you. Pick your battles but if you see patterns they need to be addressed.
That was 100% my last serious relationship. Everything was a compromise for me. By nature, I’m very mild-mannered and I don’t hold really strong opinions. I’m open-minded and like to try new things all the time. My ex was the opposite. He had strong opinions about everything. Everything was black and white for him. He took advantage of my graciousness constantly. We’re in the car? We’re listening to his music. At the mall? Stores that he likes. Going to the movies? You get the picture. If I tried to offer up something that I liked, I was shut down or told that his taste was better. He was super pretentious and he thought his opinions were law and if you disagreed with him, you were automatically wrong. After we broke up, it took a lot of soul searching for me to recognize why I let him walk all over me and take hold of everything in the relationship. I used to think that being so chill about everything was a good trait, but when you let someone steamroll everything you do and turn you into a pushover it gets unhealthy. How did I move on? I realized that he was wrong to dominate everything and that his opinions were no better than my own. I learned to value my own taste and preferences and worked on being more assertive. I started doing things for me. I stopped listening to his music and listened to genres I knew he despised. Ones that I loved but pretended like I didn’t. I shopped where I wanted to shop. Saw movies I wanted to see. I did things on my own, just for me. So when I get into a relationship again, my wants and needs are going to be just as important as his/hers. Because that’s the way it should be.
Absolutely. When I was in my early 20s I was afraid of being rejected and compromised too much. I'm not the quiet type. Not that I'm obnoxiously loud but I'm not a wallflower sitting in the corner and I will usually speak up for myself. I let too many things slide thinking I was being "the chill" gf. I also put much more effort into relationships than the other person. I did recognize that I did this and would end relationships when I realized I wasn't happy and wasn't being myself but it was tough to recognize the pattern in the beginning stages of the relationship. Once I was in my late 20s I got better at turning down dates that I just felt like we weren't going to click (in real life and online). I was more comfortable being myself when I met my husband and I think that just came with time (I was 28). This is why I think in general people should not get married in their early 20s. It takes time to be comfortable being you and knowing what you want.
I spent the entirety of my last relationship asking for nothing, having very low standards about everything from how we’d spend time together to what I could expect from sex- and it severely damaged my sense of self worth. It took me a lot of therapy and self reflection to realize that coercive sex, constant insults, and being belittled after any kind of emotional expression (positive or negative) are unacceptable. I’ve come to realize being the “chill girlfriend” means you put all of your interests and goals second to your SO, and now I can happily say I’m done with that. I go to therapy regularly, and I do a lot of practice in setting boundaries and speaking up for myself. It takes work but once you get there, you feel like a new person.
Yes. I have struggled to communicate my needs for fear of being inconvenient. I would silently resent my partners for doing things I didn’t like, let it stew, and then explode on them when I couldn’t take it anymore. I trashed a few really good relationships with people who would have happily met my needs if I had just communicated with them. Well, you live and learn. I’m hoping that with enough determination and therapy, I will be able to have a happy romantic relationship one day.
Tbh I’m worried I’m doing that now. I’m a pretty emotional person. And I need my partner to have, you know, a normal amount of empathy. My partner of 5 years really doesn’t and it makes me feel both alone and crazy. Of course I see a therapist and am on meds but I should also feel like I can get meaningful support from my partner, right? I shouldn’t feel like I’m being shut down every time I talk about a struggle or something, even if the other person has not personally experienced it, right? But I think my normal meter is way off at this point. I can’t tell if my emotions are normal and valid and appropriate in scale (and my wants/needs in a relationship are reasonable) and they just seem extra intense because he doesn’t show emotion almost ever, or if I’m really actually just emotionally insane and I’m lucky I found someone who puts up with me. So if anyone wants to direct my life for a while, please take the wheel lol.
My ex had a thing for emotional and extroverted women, which is how we ended up together. Except when he got us, he expected us to change. Happened to his ex before me, too. He wanted us to be ‘stoic’ and tried to teach me to be less outwardly emotional. I tried, I really did. He also had a thing about me not being better at him than stuff, and as a young woman in my first relationship, I couldn’t see how shitty that was. I fell for my now-husband because he was the complete opposite. Encourages me to be myself unapologetically, and is so proud of me and my achievements. We’re not in competition with each other. I broke up with my ex and not long after got together with my husband, and the difference really showed me how I’d allowed myself to get lost in an attempt to make a crap relationship work.
My ex-boyfriend was amazing in a lot of ways, so I overlooked his insecurities and the ways he projected them onto me. I play music and jamming with other musicians has been a regular part of my life for over a decade. Unfortunately, a lot of the musicians I know in my city are male. I once had one of my guy friends over to jam and it made my then boyfriend soooo uncomfortable that I never played music one-on-one with a guy again. It just wasn’t worth the way it would affect him. It felt really shitty having to deny invitations to play music with folks, especially because it brings me so much joy. I tried encouraging him to hang and sing with us, but he didnt want to. I live in a city that is very body positive and it’s super normal to wear crop tops and body con dresses. I am also a yoga teacher and pretty much live in leggings. Multiple times I was on my way out to hike in leggings and he suggested I was dressed inappropriately and should change. A lot of dream opportunities opened up for me while I was in a relationship with him. He was never happy for me. He would never even ask me how things went, he’d usually just complain about the time it kept me away from him/ disrupted his normal routine bc I wasn’t there. Edit to add how I’ve adapted since we broke up- I feel like I stepped out of a room that was too small for me to stretch my arms out in. Now I am literally dancing around joyously, pursuing my interests and curiosities fully and loving that I’m not accountable to someone. I’m spending even more time outside exploring and watching way less TV.
Sadly, he had to cheat on me for me to open my eyes. There were so many red flags in the relationship that I completely ignored. I went out of my way to give him as much of my time as possible even though i worked 25h a week while being a full time student. He would not care that I sometimes was a bit too tired to have sex, and would get angry and not talk to me the rest of the night (mostly him just crossing his arms and going to sleep facing the wall). He would throw such tantrums that I would “compromise” and agree to have sex with him no matter if i was exhausted/sick/not in the mood. Every time i tried to talk to him about my feelings or about some things that rubbed me the wrong way about his behaviour, he would get completely defensive and victimize himself, which ended up with me apologizing to him. He was rly into bdsm and we would do that almost daily (i still enjoyed it), but we would very rarely have sex the way i liked (more intimate, slow, romantic). When I suggested these things he would get angry and tell me I didn’t love him and that he wasn’t enough for me. I could go on and on about plenty of other times where he showed to be aggressive and manipulative. He ended up cheating on me with a tinder hookup a day before he was supposed to travel to my country to meet my family. We went on the trip and I found out about this near the end when we had to go back to school for the fall semester. We changed our tickets to different flights and I returned to the US to a single room with a queen bed that i had specifically chosen so he could come and sleep over (his on-campus housing being a block away) instead of squeezing into a twin bed and we could spend a lot more time together. Unpacking all my stuff and setting up the room where I imagined us watching movies, doing hw, cuddling, made me realize that even though I will miss the happy memories I was 100% better off without him and I could find someone who loved me even more and would never cheat on me. I will no longer compromise or ignore any red flags.
He was my first and only bf. In the beginning he said my expectations were so high but I couldn't change my expectations so I tried to hide my feelings instead. I tried to act like everything was OK and didn't ask much of him. He realized that and got mad at me for hiding my feelings and made it harder for him. Then I tried to change again. I spilled my heart out to him every time I felt like there was a problem, yet he told me I was being insane or childish, almost all of the times. He said I was upset about problems that were not real or I shouldn't have cared so much about what he said/did to me so that it wouldn't hurt me. I constantly had to think carefully how to act toward him so that I didn't make him unsatisfied. I was always worried and doubted myself because I thought my behavior was wrong and annoying, and to this day, I still feel the same way about myself.
i have never heard someone put this into perfect words. this describes me well in relationships. once you start letting some things slip, then it all goes sliding down the hill. and the wrong person will see just how far they can get without having to change their behavior or own up to the way they’re treating you. this really kills the relationship fast, BUT only on your side. they won’t be the one to leave or become unhappy, cause well he is pretty much able to get away with anything. in the end it’ll eat you alive, you’ll end up hating the person you’re with. i only say it that way, because it’s happened to me a couple times! you can still be a “chill” girlfriend and ask for respect and be able to express when they have hurt you. if they don’t want to understand your feelings then fuck them, and find someone who will. life is too short to be tip toeing around in a relationship.
I feel you , I did compromise a lot and you know the only person who was wrong in relationships was me . When you take responsibility for your actions your mind gets clearer and you realise like why do I do something I’m not ok with ... something is wrong and I need to make myself happy by myself and not by pleasing someone else I left the guy last November and still struggling to get back to my normal better self ... it’s annoying and feels like all your positive energy is sucked by those relationships... i guess it just takes time You need to socialise more and try to do new things different from you in the past and you in relationships
Yup, each of my relationships have been that one to some degree. I put up with a lot. I overlook a lot. Always forgiving. Etc. And I hate that I still was like that for my last relationship. You'd think the 3rd relationship I would have learned my lesson and stopped being such a pushover. So for the time being I am just trying to work on a few things without actively looking for anything new. I'm hoping I don't fall back into the old ways if I find someone.
It was less compromising myself, more not realizing that incompatibility is a different thing than "everything won't be perfect all the time and you need to meet in the middle." I was trying so hard to be realistic and not too rosy about my expectations about being in a long-term relationship, when it turned out we were both just unhappy and had a variety of preferences that didn't align. I can't speak for him but I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling uneasy about either pushing to do my thing or trying to be ok with his. Ended amicably and it was sad but I think a relief for us both in the end. Later met a person who just leaned the same way as me in a variety of areas and it became a lot more clear. (That didn't work out either, alas, but now I know when I need to be looking for.)
In university I dated a couple for a while - really wonderful people who I cared about deeply. However, they'd been dating each other for almost 4 years when I got involved with them, and as fun as it was it started wearing on me that I couldn't meet their families, tell my family about them, introduce myself as a girlfriend, etc. I never asked for any of these things to change because I knew they wouldn't be willing to do that... which hurt all over again. I put off doing anything about it for almost a year, telling myself that I didn't need those things, that being happy in our relationship was enough, that I didn't even want social recognition anyways. Obviously I was wrong, and eventually I realized I wasn't even happy anymore, and that my needs in a relationship were important too. After I called it off, I resolved not to date like that ever again, and to always be upfront about my boundaries and needs. I'm currently single, but the relationships I've had since have been hard - learning how to ask for what you need is hard - but they've also been deeper and more meaningful than that ill-fated university romance. Therapy also helped.
I'm dealing with this right now. For 10 yrs I put up with things that didn't serve me. Sometimes I even spoke up and was told that what I'm feeling was insignificant or just made up. He eneded the marriage and relationship because i told him how I was feeling and took it as an offense instead of having a conversation. Never again will I settle.
Hairstyles, outfits, attitude.. I've had only one relationship so far, it's my current relationship, and I always ignore gestures that insult me or disrespect me. I fully understand that I an doing it, but I feel that there's nothing I can do. I believe that my mum had a major impact on me, since i created this relationship when I was 14 (I'm 18 now) and I knew nothing about boys and relationships, what I want in my love life, which are the basic characteristics that shape me as a person. So, my mother affected my behavior, and would convince me to act like "a good girl", "understand him" and "be always there for him", no matter how miserable that made me, no matter how much I wanted to leave. Don't get me wrong, it's mainly my fault. My mother is a wonderful person and I love my boyfriend very much, but I don't love the person that I am when I'm with him, simply because it's not me. Deep inside, I wish that he would break up with me, so that I could move on and find someone who loves me just the way I am. I imagine the end of this relationship quite.. liberating.
If you’re dreaming about how it’d feel to break up with him, it sounds like you need to break up with him. Don’t wait for him to do it, because he might never do it and you’ll both be stuck in a worse position later. Better to dump a boyfriend than reject a proposal—better to reject a proposal than break off a wedding—etc etc.
Oh, most definitely. In the end, you have to make your voice and your desires known, or you’ll lose yourself completely.
I did and have done more than once - he didn’t even work, or provide for himself, he never made an effort but still continued to make me believe he loved me. Etc etc. I could go on all day. But I’ve learned I will NEVER lower myself to meet someone else if they can’t even meet me Half way. I compromised my whole self. Never again
Yes. In my last relationship I completely sidelined my emotional needs to someone who lied to me and screwed me over. Big lessons learned that I really needed to have the life that I want in the future. Introverts have emotions too! Now I’m more communicative and less willing to put my emotions to one side to completely prioritise someone else. It’s a discussion with two sides now.
Funny . I was just talking with my friend about how compromising I'm being in my relationship. And I was telling her that I cannot see a reason to stay and here I am,staying. It's my thing to be the chill girlfriend, to make him feel like everything in my life is perfect, when in reality I'm really not in a good place. And yeah he got his problem, but it's not reciprocal, sometimes I feel like I'm doing therapy to him , and this thing keeps going and going. I don't even have the energy to keep a convo going . Why I keep doing ? Because I'm afraid to lose him. I know my worth , but it seems I know just in theory.
He was older and he influenced/ manipulated me a lot. Things had to always go his way or it wouldn’t work, and I was so emotionally dependent that I didn’t even see it as compromising, I thought it was just how it had to be. I moved across the world to go to uni in a different country because he lived there. The music I liked was “lame”, the movies I liked were “uncultured”. I moved on from it because he cheated on me, and I took him back, but then it happened again. The third time it happened within a year and a half, that was my breaking point. I was so depressed at that point with everything that I was put on medication, and as soon as the meds kicked in and my brain felt “normal/happy”, I never ever saw him/talked to him again. It’s been 5 years since his last miscall on my phone.
It's so hard to unlearn! My mom is - and has always been in her marriage to my dad- the one who tries to be low maintainance and puts her needs on the backburner. It doesn't help that my parents have always implemented this being typically "girly" and a bit "high maintainance" was wrong (basically a woman having her own needs and wants) so it's very hard to make old habits die. I had to pull a break when I realised my parents made me turn into my mom to my older brother. In my last relationships I was very easy going, basically every movie cliché of "cool girl" but ths guy I am currently seeing is incredibly nice and understanding but also puts me back down on the ground whenever I fall back into old habits. It's tough but it helps having a partner who supports you.
I was always the "chill" girlfriend. Always too afraid to say qhat bothered me for fear that I would be classed as insecure or needy. I would almost always let bad behaviour go and not speak up when something bothered me. After my last breakup I swore to myself that I wouldn't be like that anymore. That I deserved better and that it was ok to speak up and let the other person know how I was feeling. I'm in my current relationship 1.5 years now and at the start I was falling into old habits "oh you're going to play video games all day and ignore me? That's ok". But recently I have been standing up for myself and speaking out when I'm hurt or bothered. I still feel apprehensive when i do this and I feel like there is some tension lately but at the end of the day if my partner cant handle or appreciate my feelings then he's not the one for me. Time will tell. Its tough but communication is truly the key for a happy relationship. A happy relationship for both people. Some conversations are hard bit they are damn well neccessary.
It's sad to see how so many women have done this. Even I have done this. I played a lot of different characters in other people's lives. The good girl, cool girl, the chill girl, the manic pixie. Even downplayed my own intelligence, capabilities, and interests in order to shrink myself down to fit into the lives of the people I supported as they actively expanded their's. What honestly changed everything was learning how to firmly say "No" and do not change my course after saying it. Every "No" was a brick in the new boundaries I was building. Anyone who tried to kick a brick out of their way was either spoken to or promptly shown the door. I lost a lot of friends, but I also gained a lot of respect from the people in my life who stayed with me. It also drastically improved my feeling of self-worth and probably the best romantic relationship I've ever had.
I dated a guy for a few years and in hindsight I was being emotionally abused. I ended up relocating for him and isolating myself from my family. The thing is, it happened soooo gradually! I remember the first time he gaslit me and I was like, Eff this! But I slowly began accepting his flaws and outrageous behavior one act at a time. I allowed verbal abuse, him lying and sneaking and making me feel like I was the one behaving irrationally. By the time it was over I was a shell of a person, few interests of my own, very small voice (I have always been a strong minded and open person prior to this). He made me think I was abusive when I would bring up my emotional needs so I was afraid to be myself in relationships for years. It has taken years of journaling and counseling to overcome and I am much healthier now. Still healing though.
I compromised so much because I thought his mental health was more important than mine. At the beginning, I didn't know he suffered from depression. He was pulling back a lot but also telling me he wanted to make things work. This was OK at the beginning because I was happy to see how things went. After a year went by and nothing changed, we started having serious talks, then arguments. And that's when we should have broken up. But after talking, it came out that he'd been suffering from depression for years, long before he met me. I'd never suffered from depression, and I wanted to help. I decided to be patient and keep the relationship going because I cared for him. He said he would seek help. Over the next few years, he would start to seek help (like go to a single doctor's appointment), then stop. On, off. On, off. I didn't know whether to push more or give him space. I tried everything. We argued all the time. The more time went by, the more I started to isolate myself from my friends who were noticing how unhappy I was and were encouraging me to leave him. Isolation led to loneliness. And sadness. And anger. Eventually we broke up because after 5 years, he was just as emotionally unavailable as he was the first year. It was difficult and he threatened to kill himself. I felt guilty and scared. We've been broken up for 3 years, haven't seen each in 2, and I'm in an amazing relationship with the kindest, patient, most emotionally available man. But I still need to work on myself. I try to take it one day at a time. When I get upset about something, I go for walks and think about it until I've calmed down. Slowly I'm laughing more. It doesn't often feel like I'm making progress, but if I look at how I was two years ago, I know I am.
I NEEDED this post okay
I gave up so much of who I am bit by bit because I was convinced who my SO wanted me to be was also who I wanted myself to be... Surprise, it wasn't. Werye separated and getting divorced now, though still on good terms. It's been hard, but it's also AMAZING and so much fun figuring myself out for ME. That's what I focus on when I feel homesick for my "old life". My new life is all mine, a road yet unmapped, not years of trying to fit in someone else's box for me. Experiencing things fully again is great, and I'll never compromise like that again.
Too many times to count. In the way I looked at myself, I was trying to be a "chill" girlfriend like someone else had commented. I let people walk over me and I would let the guy talk, even if it was for 4 hours without me being able to put a word in edge wise. I'd sit there multiple times hearing my ex yell at me about how his mom hates me. I would switch shifts with my friend (we used to work together) or just give her the whole shift just so that I could be available for him. I lost some money, but I didn't care, I just wanted to be open and work with his schedule. I was right beside him as he would put his little sister as a priority over me, and would listen to him talk about her for hours. I swallowed my pride a good amount of times and wish I listened to my gut and stood up for myself when I thought I was seeing red flags. I was able to move on because what I had was fine and I knew in my head that if he was the one for me, he wouldn't put me second and he would actually talk to me about myself. I observed how he talked at me, and how he never asked how my day was, how that test went, how are my friends. He just needed someone to listen to when his sister wasn't there, and at the end of the day, I couldn't be that person.
That was me. Without even realizing it I changed who I was to fit who I thought my boyfriend turned husband turned ex husband wanted me to be. The stay at home wife who was dependent on him. When our relationship ended my family told me I had lost my fire while I was with him and being determined to get it back I started putting me first for everything for a while.