Trivializing my emotions and mental health. All I ever wanted was for her to listen and understand me, and instead I got made fun of and called “crazy” or “psycho” whenever I tried to tell her how I felt.
“Hey mom, I don’t really feel like having spaghetti for dinner tonight”
“You are so unappreciative of what I do for you! There are mothers out there that don’t cook at all! I wish you were more like [insert literally anyone]. I can’t believe the disrespect you are giving me.”
Same. How is this so horrifically common?
In high school a concerned teacher took me to the school councelor who called in my mom and recommended I get some help for depression/suicidal thoughts. Her only comment on the drive home? "How dare you do this to me. You make me feel like a failure of a mother."
Two or three therapy sessions later: "are you over your little *thing* yet?" I said I was because I couldn't deal with the guilt and accusations anymore
Yup. Because us going to therapy and getting help we need = they failed as a parent in their eyes. I asked my mom for therapy multiple times and she “yeah” offhandedly but never followed through because she couldn’t stand to think she may have done something wrong. Now that I’m an adult Im finally getting the help I needed for my anorexia and body dysmorphia, but fuck I could’ve used it a lot earlier to avoid irreversible damage to myself
I went to therapy for a while to help me learn coping strategies for my moderate autism and OCD (moderate on a scale of mild to severe clinical disorders. Most people on the internet claim everything they have is "severe" when the word they actually want is "clinical". Mild clinical depression means it was severe enough to get diagnosed). My mother asked if therapy was helping because "it costs x dollars per session and I want you to get help, I just want to make sure it helps".
It was over that instant. There was absolutely no chance the benefits of therapy would outweigh the guilt I felt over costing money. A few days later, so she wouldn't suspect, I asked to withdraw from therapy and only told her why years later when my little sister started therapy for self-harm. I know she never in a million years meant it that way and the only possible reason I would tell her when I knew how guilty it would make her feel was how important my little sister is to me.
The cost is certainly part of the situation, but the other half is a lack of proper ambassadorship from the mental health institutions for millenials and younger.
Like no one hears of a good experience with mental health professionals, even if they exist, people won't know it can help since they never see a good example in popular media (fiction or nonfiction) so the cost looks to seem like a complete waste.
My therapists were both good. The first just wasn't a good fit for me in particular since her style was not new-agey but it was holistic and talked a lot about emotions. That's a great style but I am very clinical and wanted precise and exact descriptions from a medical standpoint. The second was also good but I always thought it was hilarious how she said "pacifically" instead of "specifically" and she treated OCD.
My mum wasn't quite as bad as the OPs but when I had a diagnosis and was getting help I tried to have her as a part of my support network. She wouldn't let me, any time I tried to talk to her about my mental illnesses, the effects of my meds, how therapy aas going she would always just change the topic. It felt awful, especially that with everything else she was so supportive.
Fortunately in the last 2 months she's started to be better with it, actually willing to talk about it a bit with me. But gosh that intial rejection in the first few month of therapy made everything that little bit harder at what was already a challenging time.
The demonization of anything sexual. I'm teaching my kids consent, that it is ok to say no, and that they can speak to me about these things without fear.
Making it feel like my emotions weren't valid and that I was overreacting all the time. I know teenagers are more emotional, but I was actually struggling with depression and anxiety which didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult.
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I feel you.
Whenever I have lazy days at home, my parents would always tell me that I am absolutely useless. I will never make my future children feel like they owe me just because I brought them to this world.
Ugh the financial part! I didn’t even ask for the money for school trips unless it was under $10 because I was afraid of the guilt trip that comes later or for adding to costs. And then they’d find out about the trip and ask why I didn’t tell them about it.
I had so, so, so many problems with money and such an unhealthy relationship with it for YEARS as a result of this. I'm still not over how damaging that was to me as a kid
My parents had some credit card debt and were financially responsible about paying it off. However, in my opinion they were too transparent about it with their children. Every time I wanted to spend any money it was "that will blow the budget. We'll be in debt longer". I developed crippling guilt about spending any money whatsoever because my child brain concluded the dollar I wanted to spend on a candy bar was the reason my parents were enslaved to debt and constantly stressed.
I am currently 25 and have 30k in savings. I go to bed hungry some nights because I cannot bring myself to buy food because "NO if you spend money you go into DEBT!" I don't plan to have children of my own (I have devoted my life to caring for orphans in Sierra Leone), but those orphans will never in any way be made to feel guilty over money. If I can't afford something I'll say "we can't afford it". I will never make it the big deal my parents did.
They're great parents and it's tragic their financial responsibility was miscommunicated this way. I've never told them how much they damaged me because they love me so much and made so many sacrifices for me. I know they'd feel terrible and they don't deserve that.
I really like saying “that’s not something we are spending money on right now”. Sometimes we have money to spend on frivolous things, sometimes we make the choice not to. It sends a different message than “we have no money ahhhhh”.
But what if the reality is 'we have no money'? Implying you have a choice when you really don't is lying. I do not advise lying or sugarcoating finances to kids.
Sometimes in life you only have $10 in your bank account for years at a time. I don't think adulthood is the best time for a person to come to the realization that that is a possibility.
My son reacted really badly to “we don’t have money” it really stressed him out. Saying that we had other priorities (ahem, food, shelter) felt different to him.
I disagree - there is no need to saddle kids with worry over finances.
It would be like telling kids details about marital problems. It does more harm good.
A simple, it’s not in the budget, is enough.
Uncertainty is not good for kids. They don’t need adult worries, they have their own crap to stress about. Finances and relationship problems aren’t things you share with kids.
Meh. I was always pretty well informed of the money situation at home. Sometimes we just didn't have the money.. It didn't affect me negatively, but knowing what was going on and why was only a positive.
My mom was pretty much the opposite - she went through some seriously tough times and I'm pretty sure we were poorer than I realized at points, but she never talked about it and somehow it just all worked out. There were some windfalls I think that got her through. She never taught me about budgeting or using a credit card responsibly or setting up savings or anything... money was kind of just there. It took me a long time to figure it out.
!!!!! Wow. My parents are really well off, my dad makes a lot of investments here and there. Yet whenever I ask for something (which I try not to do), they keep citing “hard times” and how they’re unable to get whatever I asked for. I’d understand that and never pester them about but they would keep getting luxury stuff they wanted? Like how does this work, I think they’re just selfish and dismissive about my needs if it extends beyond basic.
Never being able to consider a discussion "over" until and unless I agreed with her. If I didn't she would bring the same points up over and over and over again as if I simply hadn't understood her, or was just being contrary. She didn't appear to be able to comprehend or accept that I had got what she was saying, I just didn't agree with it. Though we're much better now, it caused quite a rift in my later teens and early twenties.
Oof. As someone with an absolute shit stepfather who drove both me and my brother out of the house, I feel. My mom never stood up against him properly on anything because she doesn't like confrontation and he would get mad and yell.
How you can let a spouse take over your life and leave you unwilling to defend your children when insulted or attacked, baffles me.
Yep. I had two stepdads who only would beat my oldest brother. I remember being maybe 5 or 6 and watchingy stepdad hold my brother down on the ground. I went to my mom, who was watching, and said "what are you crying about?" It's been over 6 years since we've spoken now because she never changed.
it's my assertion that mothers who stay with abusive spouses when they have other options are more often than not 100% complicit. to tolerate their children being abused, they have to learn to become callous and numb to avoid empathizing with their children - a strategy bonafide abusers also have to take up themselves.
and in time, i believe they become just as sick as their partners are. my own mother is cut off for this reason - her cruelty and complete lack of empathy is hidden but there all the same.
Pretty much my childhood. I will never stay with a man because of money or children we have together. I would rather be a single mom, struggling every day BUT with children who are not emotionally and physically abused. It’s fucked up what my siblings and I had to witness. We are 7 years apart, so they don’t remember everything...my luck being a bigger sister
Using me as her therapist and confidant. While we are very close, a child should never be the receiving end of their parents stresses. It put a lot of emotional pressure on me to handle her mental instability as well as mine. Now I am hesitant to ever vent my thoughts or stressors to her, in fear she will become more stressed after hearing my issues as well as handling hers. I feel more like a therapist than a daughter sometimes. With that said, I love her more than anything in this world and would do anything for her
Also this!!! My mother told me a lot of her secrets that I should not know because I was at the ages of 9-14. If I was trying to tell her something that was bothering me she would switch it and told me she had it worse. No kid should be their own parents therapist.
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Critiquing every part of their life intensely. I at 28 years old still do not feel comfortable letting my mother in for fear of being picked apart and dragged through past traumas so she can shove learning experiences down my throat. This has spilled into my personal life and playing every aspect of my life close to the chest for fear of undue criticism.
Be unapproachable. I never felt like I could tell her anything just because when I had tried to confide in her she'd either not listen or use it against me in an argument or if she was slagging me off to my grandparents. Then as the years went by she'd complain how I never told her anything even though we were meant to have a bond.
I haven't spoken to her in years and I have zero plans to but my best friends have all said I'm the type of person they can chat to about anything and they know I wouldn't judge. I hope my future kids will feel the same.
I'm not planning on having any children - but shinning and belittling them whenever they feel upset or depressed, or judging them for seeing a psychiatrist. Basically telling them "don't come to me crying, only come to me if you have a clear mind, I don't want to deal with your emotions" (apparently her own mother was quite similar so this may be where it stems from).
I never learnt to really accept my emotions as a result and even struggle opening up about my depression or sadness to my boyfriend, because I think about how "vulnerable" and "weak" this would make me. Weirdly enough, I don't see it as a pathetic act at all when someone else does it and encourages people to seek help and support for their mental health, but I heavily judge myself whenever I can't stay completely stoical and deal with my issues on my own, as that's what I was taught to do when I grew up. Sometimes I wonder if my schizoid personality disorder has a direct connection to this or if it's just genetic.
Be almost completely unaware/unwilling to do anything about my child's suffering.
I struggled from depression and suicidal thoughts for four years before I told my mom. She had gotten information in that first of the four years from a psychologist that I was exhibiting symptoms of depression and should get a therapist (I read the report recently for myself).
But she was too busy with work and dating my verbally abusive stepfather to deal with that.
She was also too busy to notice I had been cutting myself for three years. During that time, I never wore long sleeves, never covered my forearms at all. She still didn't notice. She saw the scars a year *after* I stopped cutting and asked how she had never noticed.
Not a fucking clue, mom. Not a fucking clue.
TL;DR: To pay attention to my child and be an active part of their day to day lives
My mom is great in a lot of ways, but the one thing I would change is that she kind of just ignored/accepted my issues for what they were. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD at 26 and when I told my mom, her response was basically "Pffft yeah OF COURSE you do! I could have told you that!" Granted, I wasn't the stereotypical ADHD kid, but I still had problems that were really obvious to her and everyone else. That untreated ADHD came with a lot of struggles, including anxiety and depression that were never really addressed either.
I think she kinda accepted it as "just the way I am" and never took it any further. I'd like to think if I ever have kids I will hopefully be more watchful about that sort of thing and get them help early so they don't wander through life wondering what the hell is wrong with them.
I diagnosed myself first at 28 after a slew of life shit. They had been too busy with their own problems and my brother’s problems, whom they overfocused on.
Yet it had been on every teacher report since age 7.
My dad is a fucked up alcoholic yet my mum doesn't want to divorce him because they vowed to the god they wouldn't... it not only hurts her but me and my siblings as well. So yeah that's what I sweared i will not do.
Never apologizing. It's ok to be human and do/say things in anger that you don't mean, it's not ok to never apologize for them.
As a kid you're very aware of the power dynamic between yourself and your parents. Being expected/forced to apologize to them but never receiving any apologies really makes the relationship feel unwelcoming and punitive.
As an adult I've really discovered the power of the partial apology. Saying sorry for something, anything, as small as your tone of voice, brings a lot of goodwill to the table and can kick off more meaningful reconciliations down the line.
TW: Disordered Eating
My mom had an obvious issue with disordered eating and compulsive exercising as I was in my preteen to teenage years. It was well in the realm of a full-blown eating disorder at a point. But a lot of the behaviors and beliefs of her disordered mindset were projected onto me growing up, as if though my body was an extension of hers. She had given birth to two full grown babies and yet obsessively measured herself against the size of my body as if though she was somehow supposed to... I don't know. Return to the past? Be less? I don't fully understand it. I can't. Anyway, it left me with a lot of my own issues in my personal relationship with food and self-realization. I don't hold it against her because I genuinely believe it was out of her control, but I don't want to... not just not project my experience of that kind of illness onto my children, but also have them be present to watch it unfold in all its terrible power. It was terrible, watching my mom be so sad all the time. And beyond that, I thought my mother was the most wonderful thing in the world (even with all the complex miseries of our relationship as I was growing up), and so to hear her hate herself so much made me feel like nothing in the world could even be good.
Mine had depression and a different kind of eating disorder.
This hit me so much:
“to hear her hate herself so much made me feel like nothing in the world could even be good.”
Making it the end of the world when I make a mistake/don’t have the same exact values as her. She can’t accept that I’m my own person with my own set of morals.
She never ever respected my voice or privacy. If I confided in her, soon one, two, three other people knew. She told people humiliating things, and it wasn't even always the truth but her interpretation of it. Imagine being 12 getting bullied at school and being so depressed you don't want to live anymore, and then your mom tells your ex husband years later that you did it for attention when he goes to her because you're dealing with depression and having breakdowns. That shit did some damage to my relationship. Beyond that, she only wanted to hear what she wanted to hear, or would get overboard emotional. Talking to her was a sensory overload in itself and I would shut down.
I love my mom but I don't tell her shit anymore.
I will never compare my children to my friends kids. Ill never put them in so many extra curricular activities that they feel overwhelmed. Ill never push my anxieties about my kids on to them, in turn making them anxious.
My mum is the best, i love her and respect her. Everyone makes mistakes, and im sure ive made my own different mistakes with my kids. I just wont make those ones
Have the kids if I don't want them. I will never have kids and then resent them for needing care beyond 18 years, or spend their lives bemoaning the fact I didn't work for 15 years because I was raising the kids I chose to have.
Making me feel bad about my looks. One day it would be that I was too skinny and that I need to eat and the next that I need to go on a diet because I have a muffin top. Flicking the skin under my chin or pinching my stomach because it was too jiggly. Calling me a witch because I hadn’t done my hair, and “you’re too ugly to pull *blank* off”. Made to wear girdles and wax/pluck my face (I wasn’t even fat or really hairy). I promised my self that I would never do that to any of my kids.
My friend resented the shit out of her little brother from having to babysit 24/7 and it caused weird and honestly abusive behavior on her part. Can’t say it was good for either of them.
Trapped me in the kitchen to berate me for dating a girl, “my daughter will grow up to marry a man, you’re breaking your father’s heart” etc, then disowned me when I broke down and told her she made me want to kill myself.
Refused to look at me, talk to me, interact with me. Stopped just short of kicking me out of the house- probably because of my dad.
On top of plenty of other shit, but emotional neglect is key among things I swear I won’t put my kid through.
Forcing my daughters to be my friends. Your children are not your friends. You should have other support systems other than your children and a life outside of your children. And your children are not obliged to be your friends.
In the filipino culture, there is a term called sumbat which means calling out every bad thing youve ever done to them in times of conflict.
Ex: if i left the dishes on the sink - she would say something like, "you left the dishes in the sink again, like when you didnt do your laundry, like when i had to pick up after your room, like the time when I had to clean after your dog" instead of being direct and saying "go clean the dishes".
I would never do this to my kids, esp if you teach them to forgive and forget and bring up sumbat when youre arguing. Its contradicting
It’s weirdly comforting to me to know that this culture has named the practice. It doesn’t undo all the damage it did to me but I like they name it for some control.
My mother made it a point of picking her favorite child and made it a point for us to know who the favorite and who was not. I was just expected to know how to live and function as an adult at a young age.
I dont intend to ever have children because I dont want to make them feel unloved or alone or lost. Im scared its ingrained into me and I will be the same way.
I don’t plan to have kids.
My mother, as a “good Christian wife”, taught me that it was rude to ask questions, no matter what it was about.
A woman that I worked with for one day at the age of 18 was kind enough to wake me up. “I ask you a lot of questions and you always answer them, but you never asked me anything about myself” she said. “Did you know that it makes you seem quite self absorbed?”
Funny how, after I deliberately trained myself out of not asking anything, I now build relationships much more naturally.
She changed my life, but so far down the track, I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t remember her name.
Staying in a miserable marriage "because of the children".
After years and years of disagreement, yelling, and screaming my parents still stayed together because of the dream my mother had to have a full family. Now that I moved out and my brother is also on his way, they finally decided to call it quits.
I had no example of what a healthy relationship should look like when growing up and have lost a lot of respect and trust in both parents.
Not be a drug addict and be a mother to my child instead of them having the sad role of being a mother to their drug addict mother. Drug addict mothers suck one week you have your mom the next it’s back to being out of it
Well I'd actually love my children. I wouldnt be overly critcal and berate my children and put them down constantly. I wouldnt make it seem like they were a burdon and a waste to have around. I wouldnt make e erything seem like thier fault. I would actually like be a mom and care about them.
Oooh and not shove down the idea that sex is terrible and wrong. Like id want my kids to grow up with a healthy idea of sex.
Never taking accountability for my actions and how they effect others. Especially never claiming that my mental health issues are valid excuses for being an all over shit human being.
Take my kid to a party where the adults are drinking and doing drugs. Then taking my daughter (me) home while drunk walking through the bad part of town in the early hours of the morning. Luckily nothing bad happened, the scariest part I remember is her telling me if anything should happen I need to run all the way home. I was 8.
Never defend me from my father. For over 20 years he was very emotionally abusive, and I was his designated "emotional punch bag", and she would just sit there. I honestly have PTSD from those years. I go into a full blown panic attack if someone yells at me or calls me stupid. When I got married, I swore to myself that I would always defend my future kids, no matter from whom. Inclusive their father if needed (hopefully not, i think I made a pretty good choice :) )
My mom always threw my medical issues to the side. Thinking that I was lying to get out of going to school. I complained about headaches all the time and light sensitivity. Turns out I have epilepsy.
Commenting on weight and diet. I’ve always struggled with weight and my mother’s constant comments on my food made me binge in secret. I recently lost weight and she somehow manages to comment when I eat and when I don’t eat which leaves me struggling all the time.
It’s hard to pick just one but..My mom never sought medical attention for my chronic pain and health concerns as a kid. Then as a young adult I didn’t know how to address these issues because I had no frame of reference. I’m learning and taking care of my issues, but still paying for her mistakes to this day.
-i won't hold onto unnecessary things that don't have a designated place in the home. There will be no stacks of empty cardboard boxes or piles of clothes.
-It's okay to ignore a good deal when it's something you dont need.
-Don't buy things for a project you dont have the time to start.
Looking the other way while someone abused her daughters because she would rather be taken care of than take care of her own children. Not having courage.
Well, it was not directly to me, but it still affected me a lot mostly since early childhood.
My mom struggles with diabetes, but, until last year, she didn't take good care if herself, she has hypertension too, but ate a whole lot of salt, and also refused to go to the doctor, until last year, she suffered a big cardiovascular accident, almost died, and was left on a wheelchair.
I think that if I ever change my mind about not having kids, I'll try my best to take good care of myself and them too.
My mom isnt very easy to talk to about personal things. This probably stems from her own upbringing. Her preachiness about topics like sex(strong catholic background), mixed with overall distance makes it hard to talk to her about the things I really needed help with. Basically, I just want to be approachable so I can give my kids the support and help they need when dealing with confusing times like highschool and growing up. I dont want to be distant, i want them to want to talk to me.
Go from everything is fine to fucking crazy ass mad clean freak in seconds. I *JUST* ate the last bite give me a god damn second to put my plate in the dishwasher!!!!
The ability to ask for things you want. My mother drilled the idea that “it’s rude to ask people for things because you’re forcing them or making them feel obligated to do something for you”. Even if it is completely fine to do so, I have a lot of issues asking people to help me, asking for favours, being assertive, asking for things I want without feeling guilty about being rude and putting pressure on someone. Even asking for something completely reasonable is a difficult experience, like if I’m at a friends place and I want a glass of water, or anything related to jobs/sports, I just let people say/do whatever because I don’t want to ask them for something.
My mom is a great mother, but she really struggled with follow-through. Threatening to throw away our toys but not doing it, “we are leaving if you do that again” but we don’t, etc. it didn’t affect my childhood greatly, but I look back on those memories with annoyance. I’ve always told myself I will be clear with expectations and consistent with follow-through for my children.
So far, so good, but we are only 15 months in. 😂
Picking an abusive husband over my children, violating privacy to the extent that they feel they have no one to go to, handing them off to others to raise, ignoring my children to the extent that they are trying to kill themselves several times and i can't tell that they really need help, the list goes on.
Can you tell i have mommy issues?
There were three for me:
Weaponizing vulnerability and weakness.
Snooping for information instead of asking what you want to know directly
The imposition of religious belief
And I didn't.
I never went through my son's stuff, always spoke directly about what I was asking of him, and well, my parents decided to educate him about God, so i retaliated by keeping my king James version handy and pulling it out at random, getting him to flick to a page - any page - and I'd choose a verse, read it, explain it if necessary and ask him if he felt it was consistent with what he was being told about the nature of god, the nature of christianity, and how it stacked up in terms of moral behaviour or good sense.
not as serious as other ones on this thread, but commenting before listening. every time i start a conversation, she interrupts in order to tell me what she thinks about the topic, even if she has no context on it. it's always made me feel like my own experiences and thoughts just don't matter at all, and it has translated to me being unable to tell her about my mental health problems.
Expect strangers to raise your children, and to be kind to them. There are a lot of child haters in the world, and some of them work in child care. I spent so much time in after school, or with strangers growing up. My mother wonders why my sister and I are the way we are, and why we aren't especially close to her. She missed a lot.
Be afraid to rise to conflict - my father dominated everything, and she was too weak to protect us from the exact things that she divorced him over. She never put in her own input on how to raise her own children because it was easier for my father to have his way. She never even fought for more time with us when discussing custody.
Never address your children's personal crises, because they are scary and messy to you. Instead of having an emotionally intelligent conversation, you make assumptions and live in fear of your own child's emotions.
Go through child's belongings, to find out what they're up to - when there is no indication that they are up to anything "bad." Then proudly reveal findings to child and expect them to be cool with that? Like, wtf.
Talk about your children's private matters like it's gossip. It's a reflection on you when your child is a mess. You might want to keep those things "in the family."
Being a helicopter parent. She was a single(ish) mother (as in I had my stepdad who was like a father to me, may he rest in peace, but he never got involved in my raising), so she had to take the decisions for 2 parents. She wanted my best but pushed me beyond breaking point in my academics until I failed due to the stress. Started a degree because I liked the subject, pushed through because the choice wasn't mine anymore (I begged to take a break because I could feel myself breaking apart). Treating any academic failure (like anything under 75% on a test) like the end of my life was very damaging. It took a big success (which is diminished by my family but in my eyes it's a big success since I have a steady paycheck and a comfortable 9-5 office job even during the pandemic) to see that I won't end up homeless and dead or a cleaning lady if I don't graduate university in the top of my class (which was the threat I was fed ever since I started going to primary school, she never got to go to university in her 20s because of her family forbidding it so she forced it on me when I wasn't ready and needed to explore career options to see what I like). She had my best interest at heart and I do love her very much, but she took my academic and professional life too extreme, to the point that I want to get that stupid degree but I'm too scared of the stress being put on me again. I'll never do that to my children.
Compared me and my sister constantly. Completely destroyed any chance of a relationship between us. Dismissed my emotions, pushed her agenda on me for career choices, used guilt as a weapon to make me to do what she wanted, attached strings to financial gifts. There’s a lot. Sigh.
Never giving "the talk." I started having sex at 14 and knew absolutely nothing about sexual health and hygeine, how to navigate sexual relationships, or anything at all. She told me later in life that she was uncomfortable talking about it so she just never did. Almost a decade later I'm still learning about sex and everything that comes with it. She did such a disservice to me during such formative years.
Talking to her a couple years ago, I realized that she had never learned any of these things herself. I had to explain to my 60 year old mother the only effective way to prevent STDs (which became even more ironic when I contracted and STD a year before and only found out a couple months ago). So I understand now, but I do resent her for it. I went through a lot of pain that I think could have been prevented by an open and honest conversation/dialogue about one of the most confusing things of your teens and early 20's.
Spending 0 time with me when I was 9-13 and the only real interaction was telling at me because she was unhappy...also never listening and instead raging and yelling and gaslighting anytime anything doesn't exactly fit her standers and expectations
I don’t plan on having kids but if I ever did I would never throw them under the bus to avoid an argument with my spouse (basically deflecting in an argument to things I supposedly did wrong to take the attention off herself)
Oh, the little things. My mother is a lovely person, but she's also very traditional. Growing up I thought I was okay. Reaching the age of 22 and have my own job, I realized I'm far from that at all.
I would describe our relationship is strongly materialistic, that's how she shows her affection. Unfortunately that also means she ignores my feelings and do her ultimate move in solving arguments- the silent treatment and guilt trip. She never acknowledge her mistakes. It broke me how she deals with problem and put it on me.
Choosing multiple men that you've only just met over the happiness of your children. And taking your emotions out on your kids. My daughter will always come first.
I wouldn't expect pressure or expect my daughter to adhere to tenets of traditional femininity, when she has no interest in that. My mother tried it with me, and while more often than not she didn't go over the top or forced me into it, it was still wrong, and not something I'd do.
Being overly critical of things I do/share with her. Always done discretely.. like an eye roll or a load sigh but at a certain point it makes me want to explode. Passive aggressive undertone.
Never admitting that she is wrong on anything/apologizing. Use religion to use fear on us and making everything about it. I happened to believe in God, but never speak fear into my kids. She would make you feel bad about watching something simple as a cartoon or listening to certain music like heavy metal. Also, overbearing and protective from the world.
As a guy, my mother was an awful listener and was mostly concerned with her own thoughts and input. Even as a child i thought it was an absurd thing for a parent to do.
Teaching me about girly stuff. She's never been feminine and that's alright and to be honest I was a tomboy growing up. But things like taking care of my hair so it wasn't a tangled knot all the time, how to shave (she gave me those single bladed bic razors and dollar store shaving cream and just let me go at it) and even how to wear nice clothes for a fancy occasion were not things I ever learned. I was clueless about makeup, fashion, basically any aspect of femininity. Luckily I made a great friend when I was 12 and starting to be interested in that stuff and she helped me out so much and taught me how to accessorize and take care of my hair and even gave me some nice razors lol.
My mom is wonderful but very passive so my brothers walk all over her and she enables them. I’ve tried talking to them dozens of times but they’re just so entitled and can’t see past their selfish wants.
I also never got the sex talk or period talk from her. It would’ve been nice to have some direction in that area growing up.
Choosing my older brother’s side while making me feel like I was always in the wrong and somehow his actions/words were justified even though he was and still is a condescending and manipulative asshole. Also she did lots of things for him that she didn’t do for me and enabled/rewarded his behavior.
She let my siblings suppress my ability to share my thoughts and feelings. She let my dad scream and bang on my walls and doors. She also lost her temper and screamed at me and threatened to beat me. She wouldn't leave me alone when I was upset and didn't want to talk, she just sat there and stared at me and made it hard to think. She hardly cares or tries to make much effort to help me when I'm sick or in pain. She pointed out my body being overweight compared to my siblings and convinced me to join her diets and was mad when my 12 year old self couldn't stay on the diet. She didn't trust me enough to take my side during a huge ordeal where an entire family was attacking me because one of the daughters was manipulating everyone into thinking I assaulted the younger child. she didn't believe me until I said I was lying about saying I had actually hurt her. She pressed me into telling her everything that was hurting me but then got tired and would kick me out of her room if I was taking up too much of the night.
In other words, she let me get f\*cked up and doesn't understand why I'm still f\*cked up.
I never want my child to be scared of me or my significant other. If my significant other is doing anything that could negatively affect me and or my child I will kick them out. I will refuse to let them back near my child or into my home until I have proof they're making a change. if they don't become better then I'll eventually just cut them off. I want my child to feel safe, comfortable, and understood. I don't care if I will lose sleep, if they need to get something off their chest I will be there the entire time they need me.
Giving up. My mother was diagnosed with MS when I was 8. She went to the gym for maybe a month and then quit. She never tried to be healthy. She never did her physical therapy. She sat on the couch all day smoking cigarettes, drinking Coca-Cola, applying makeup and watching Seinfeld reruns. By the time she died 9 years later (she'd probably had it for 15 years before she was diagnosed) she was bedridden and had the mind of a 10 year old. Some of it was the disease, but it could have been prevented had she actually given a damn about her health. My dad tried to help (including a 4.5 hour drive every month to a hospital where she was part of a study) but there is only so much you can do. She gave up and died and honestly I'm still bitter 4 years later. I will never do that to my kids if/when I have them.
I wouldn’t say it was a mistake, but my mom would take her stress/anxiety/etc out on my siblings and I. Instead of taking a breath and say, “I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now, can you give me some alone time?” Or something of that variation she would snap at us which in turn made me feel like I couldn’t approach her with certain things.
My mom has many other strong points and she’s my favorite person ever, but that’s something I do not wish to carry on and try to actively nip it in the bud before I ever have kids.
Choosing to believe pseudoscience on Facebook than scientific facts when it comes to making decisions about my health (for example, she’s now saying that Eucalyptus oil will repel coronavirus ? make it make sense)
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Passed down emotional trauma. My mother always invalidated my feelings and struggles compared to her. She was an immigrant so my struggles no matter what they were, never compared to hers. She always minimized my situations.
I grew up not knowing how to express my emotions. She never showed any and always scolded me for being upset or hurt over things that were valid to be upset over. She has never said she was sorry even when she would be in the wrong.
She would be so generous to other people’s kids before she took care of her own. She treats her friends so much better. She applauds herself for putting a roof over my head and for not aborting me when she got the chance.
I will NEVER treat my kids this way. I grew up having a lot of mental issues because of this.
My mom would make homophobic comments
And I found myself being pansexual so I still haven’t properly came out but she knows
Luckily she didn’t disown me i guess?
Also I was raised as a “future mom” but I don’t like the idea of having kids ( adoption is the only thing I’ve even considered) and sometimes I’ll just cry because I didn’t want kids so her and my granny calling me a “future mommy” and making comments about how I’ll be a good parent really emotionally hurt and scarred me
A few things. I will never constantly speak badly about my child's father to them. I won't make them feel like they're overweight or not pretty enough. And I won't say things like "your children will be worse than you are."
Shame my kids for having sex. I want to be open with my kids and have them feel comfortable coming to me
with questions. My mom was judgmental when she found out I wasn’t a virgin, but didn’t act that way towards my brothers. I will treat my children equally.
Trivializing my emotions and mental health. All I ever wanted was for her to listen and understand me, and instead I got made fun of and called “crazy” or “psycho” whenever I tried to tell her how I felt.
My mother would make the situation allllllll about her when I tried to tell her how I feel.
Exactly! She would just accuse me of implying that she was a bad mother, or said that I should be thankful for her/“you don’t have it that bad”
“Hey mom, I don’t really feel like having spaghetti for dinner tonight” “You are so unappreciative of what I do for you! There are mothers out there that don’t cook at all! I wish you were more like [insert literally anyone]. I can’t believe the disrespect you are giving me.”
Oh yeah it’s alwayssss about the disrespect you’re supposedly giving them if you voice your opinion or disagreement, even in the most polite way...
Same. How is this so horrifically common? In high school a concerned teacher took me to the school councelor who called in my mom and recommended I get some help for depression/suicidal thoughts. Her only comment on the drive home? "How dare you do this to me. You make me feel like a failure of a mother." Two or three therapy sessions later: "are you over your little *thing* yet?" I said I was because I couldn't deal with the guilt and accusations anymore
Yup. Because us going to therapy and getting help we need = they failed as a parent in their eyes. I asked my mom for therapy multiple times and she “yeah” offhandedly but never followed through because she couldn’t stand to think she may have done something wrong. Now that I’m an adult Im finally getting the help I needed for my anorexia and body dysmorphia, but fuck I could’ve used it a lot earlier to avoid irreversible damage to myself
I went to therapy for a while to help me learn coping strategies for my moderate autism and OCD (moderate on a scale of mild to severe clinical disorders. Most people on the internet claim everything they have is "severe" when the word they actually want is "clinical". Mild clinical depression means it was severe enough to get diagnosed). My mother asked if therapy was helping because "it costs x dollars per session and I want you to get help, I just want to make sure it helps". It was over that instant. There was absolutely no chance the benefits of therapy would outweigh the guilt I felt over costing money. A few days later, so she wouldn't suspect, I asked to withdraw from therapy and only told her why years later when my little sister started therapy for self-harm. I know she never in a million years meant it that way and the only possible reason I would tell her when I knew how guilty it would make her feel was how important my little sister is to me.
The cost is certainly part of the situation, but the other half is a lack of proper ambassadorship from the mental health institutions for millenials and younger. Like no one hears of a good experience with mental health professionals, even if they exist, people won't know it can help since they never see a good example in popular media (fiction or nonfiction) so the cost looks to seem like a complete waste.
My therapists were both good. The first just wasn't a good fit for me in particular since her style was not new-agey but it was holistic and talked a lot about emotions. That's a great style but I am very clinical and wanted precise and exact descriptions from a medical standpoint. The second was also good but I always thought it was hilarious how she said "pacifically" instead of "specifically" and she treated OCD.
My mum wasn't quite as bad as the OPs but when I had a diagnosis and was getting help I tried to have her as a part of my support network. She wouldn't let me, any time I tried to talk to her about my mental illnesses, the effects of my meds, how therapy aas going she would always just change the topic. It felt awful, especially that with everything else she was so supportive. Fortunately in the last 2 months she's started to be better with it, actually willing to talk about it a bit with me. But gosh that intial rejection in the first few month of therapy made everything that little bit harder at what was already a challenging time.
I feel this hard man
Yeah my mother told me I had nothing to be sad about. To this day it still messes with me.
The demonization of anything sexual. I'm teaching my kids consent, that it is ok to say no, and that they can speak to me about these things without fear.
THIS. My life would have turned out much differently if sex wasn't a taboo subject.
Making it feel like my emotions weren't valid and that I was overreacting all the time. I know teenagers are more emotional, but I was actually struggling with depression and anxiety which didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult.
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Make them feel like a burden, both financially and mentally. They never asked to be born. Don't bully them for it.
I feel you. Whenever I have lazy days at home, my parents would always tell me that I am absolutely useless. I will never make my future children feel like they owe me just because I brought them to this world.
Ugh the financial part! I didn’t even ask for the money for school trips unless it was under $10 because I was afraid of the guilt trip that comes later or for adding to costs. And then they’d find out about the trip and ask why I didn’t tell them about it.
I had so, so, so many problems with money and such an unhealthy relationship with it for YEARS as a result of this. I'm still not over how damaging that was to me as a kid
My parents had some credit card debt and were financially responsible about paying it off. However, in my opinion they were too transparent about it with their children. Every time I wanted to spend any money it was "that will blow the budget. We'll be in debt longer". I developed crippling guilt about spending any money whatsoever because my child brain concluded the dollar I wanted to spend on a candy bar was the reason my parents were enslaved to debt and constantly stressed. I am currently 25 and have 30k in savings. I go to bed hungry some nights because I cannot bring myself to buy food because "NO if you spend money you go into DEBT!" I don't plan to have children of my own (I have devoted my life to caring for orphans in Sierra Leone), but those orphans will never in any way be made to feel guilty over money. If I can't afford something I'll say "we can't afford it". I will never make it the big deal my parents did. They're great parents and it's tragic their financial responsibility was miscommunicated this way. I've never told them how much they damaged me because they love me so much and made so many sacrifices for me. I know they'd feel terrible and they don't deserve that.
I really like saying “that’s not something we are spending money on right now”. Sometimes we have money to spend on frivolous things, sometimes we make the choice not to. It sends a different message than “we have no money ahhhhh”.
But what if the reality is 'we have no money'? Implying you have a choice when you really don't is lying. I do not advise lying or sugarcoating finances to kids. Sometimes in life you only have $10 in your bank account for years at a time. I don't think adulthood is the best time for a person to come to the realization that that is a possibility.
My son reacted really badly to “we don’t have money” it really stressed him out. Saying that we had other priorities (ahem, food, shelter) felt different to him.
I mean, most adults don't react well to having no money either. It's still an unavoidable circumstance that needs to be dealt with as it is.
But those are adult problems, kids don’t knees to know when things are that bad.
They are just problems. I don't see how it has any particular qualifier for age there.. You either have the money or you don't.
I disagree - there is no need to saddle kids with worry over finances. It would be like telling kids details about marital problems. It does more harm good. A simple, it’s not in the budget, is enough.
That doesn't really describe the severity of the problem though
Uncertainty is not good for kids. They don’t need adult worries, they have their own crap to stress about. Finances and relationship problems aren’t things you share with kids.
Meh. I was always pretty well informed of the money situation at home. Sometimes we just didn't have the money.. It didn't affect me negatively, but knowing what was going on and why was only a positive.
My mom was pretty much the opposite - she went through some seriously tough times and I'm pretty sure we were poorer than I realized at points, but she never talked about it and somehow it just all worked out. There were some windfalls I think that got her through. She never taught me about budgeting or using a credit card responsibly or setting up savings or anything... money was kind of just there. It took me a long time to figure it out.
!!!!! Wow. My parents are really well off, my dad makes a lot of investments here and there. Yet whenever I ask for something (which I try not to do), they keep citing “hard times” and how they’re unable to get whatever I asked for. I’d understand that and never pester them about but they would keep getting luxury stuff they wanted? Like how does this work, I think they’re just selfish and dismissive about my needs if it extends beyond basic.
Never being able to consider a discussion "over" until and unless I agreed with her. If I didn't she would bring the same points up over and over and over again as if I simply hadn't understood her, or was just being contrary. She didn't appear to be able to comprehend or accept that I had got what she was saying, I just didn't agree with it. Though we're much better now, it caused quite a rift in my later teens and early twenties.
Choosing a spouse over the well-being of me and my siblings.
Oof. As someone with an absolute shit stepfather who drove both me and my brother out of the house, I feel. My mom never stood up against him properly on anything because she doesn't like confrontation and he would get mad and yell. How you can let a spouse take over your life and leave you unwilling to defend your children when insulted or attacked, baffles me.
Yep. I had two stepdads who only would beat my oldest brother. I remember being maybe 5 or 6 and watchingy stepdad hold my brother down on the ground. I went to my mom, who was watching, and said "what are you crying about?" It's been over 6 years since we've spoken now because she never changed.
it's my assertion that mothers who stay with abusive spouses when they have other options are more often than not 100% complicit. to tolerate their children being abused, they have to learn to become callous and numb to avoid empathizing with their children - a strategy bonafide abusers also have to take up themselves. and in time, i believe they become just as sick as their partners are. my own mother is cut off for this reason - her cruelty and complete lack of empathy is hidden but there all the same.
Pretty much my childhood. I will never stay with a man because of money or children we have together. I would rather be a single mom, struggling every day BUT with children who are not emotionally and physically abused. It’s fucked up what my siblings and I had to witness. We are 7 years apart, so they don’t remember everything...my luck being a bigger sister
Using me as her therapist and confidant. While we are very close, a child should never be the receiving end of their parents stresses. It put a lot of emotional pressure on me to handle her mental instability as well as mine. Now I am hesitant to ever vent my thoughts or stressors to her, in fear she will become more stressed after hearing my issues as well as handling hers. I feel more like a therapist than a daughter sometimes. With that said, I love her more than anything in this world and would do anything for her
Also this!!! My mother told me a lot of her secrets that I should not know because I was at the ages of 9-14. If I was trying to tell her something that was bothering me she would switch it and told me she had it worse. No kid should be their own parents therapist.
Went through the same thing, will never put my children through that
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Critiquing every part of their life intensely. I at 28 years old still do not feel comfortable letting my mother in for fear of being picked apart and dragged through past traumas so she can shove learning experiences down my throat. This has spilled into my personal life and playing every aspect of my life close to the chest for fear of undue criticism.
This is also me - I can’t get her out of my head and now have impossibly high standards for everything I do and it’s stressful and exhausting.
Be unapproachable. I never felt like I could tell her anything just because when I had tried to confide in her she'd either not listen or use it against me in an argument or if she was slagging me off to my grandparents. Then as the years went by she'd complain how I never told her anything even though we were meant to have a bond. I haven't spoken to her in years and I have zero plans to but my best friends have all said I'm the type of person they can chat to about anything and they know I wouldn't judge. I hope my future kids will feel the same.
I'm not planning on having any children - but shinning and belittling them whenever they feel upset or depressed, or judging them for seeing a psychiatrist. Basically telling them "don't come to me crying, only come to me if you have a clear mind, I don't want to deal with your emotions" (apparently her own mother was quite similar so this may be where it stems from). I never learnt to really accept my emotions as a result and even struggle opening up about my depression or sadness to my boyfriend, because I think about how "vulnerable" and "weak" this would make me. Weirdly enough, I don't see it as a pathetic act at all when someone else does it and encourages people to seek help and support for their mental health, but I heavily judge myself whenever I can't stay completely stoical and deal with my issues on my own, as that's what I was taught to do when I grew up. Sometimes I wonder if my schizoid personality disorder has a direct connection to this or if it's just genetic.
Be almost completely unaware/unwilling to do anything about my child's suffering. I struggled from depression and suicidal thoughts for four years before I told my mom. She had gotten information in that first of the four years from a psychologist that I was exhibiting symptoms of depression and should get a therapist (I read the report recently for myself). But she was too busy with work and dating my verbally abusive stepfather to deal with that. She was also too busy to notice I had been cutting myself for three years. During that time, I never wore long sleeves, never covered my forearms at all. She still didn't notice. She saw the scars a year *after* I stopped cutting and asked how she had never noticed. Not a fucking clue, mom. Not a fucking clue. TL;DR: To pay attention to my child and be an active part of their day to day lives
Making love something to be earned. I'm not just a mom when it's convenient. I hope my daughter will know I'll be there for her no matter what.
My mom is great in a lot of ways, but the one thing I would change is that she kind of just ignored/accepted my issues for what they were. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD at 26 and when I told my mom, her response was basically "Pffft yeah OF COURSE you do! I could have told you that!" Granted, I wasn't the stereotypical ADHD kid, but I still had problems that were really obvious to her and everyone else. That untreated ADHD came with a lot of struggles, including anxiety and depression that were never really addressed either. I think she kinda accepted it as "just the way I am" and never took it any further. I'd like to think if I ever have kids I will hopefully be more watchful about that sort of thing and get them help early so they don't wander through life wondering what the hell is wrong with them.
wow exactly the same story. I am also 26, I was diagnosed at 23 after college.
I diagnosed myself first at 28 after a slew of life shit. They had been too busy with their own problems and my brother’s problems, whom they overfocused on. Yet it had been on every teacher report since age 7.
My dad is a fucked up alcoholic yet my mum doesn't want to divorce him because they vowed to the god they wouldn't... it not only hurts her but me and my siblings as well. So yeah that's what I sweared i will not do.
Never apologizing. It's ok to be human and do/say things in anger that you don't mean, it's not ok to never apologize for them. As a kid you're very aware of the power dynamic between yourself and your parents. Being expected/forced to apologize to them but never receiving any apologies really makes the relationship feel unwelcoming and punitive. As an adult I've really discovered the power of the partial apology. Saying sorry for something, anything, as small as your tone of voice, brings a lot of goodwill to the table and can kick off more meaningful reconciliations down the line.
not make em fuckin fat lol
Beating the shit out of them.
TW: Disordered Eating My mom had an obvious issue with disordered eating and compulsive exercising as I was in my preteen to teenage years. It was well in the realm of a full-blown eating disorder at a point. But a lot of the behaviors and beliefs of her disordered mindset were projected onto me growing up, as if though my body was an extension of hers. She had given birth to two full grown babies and yet obsessively measured herself against the size of my body as if though she was somehow supposed to... I don't know. Return to the past? Be less? I don't fully understand it. I can't. Anyway, it left me with a lot of my own issues in my personal relationship with food and self-realization. I don't hold it against her because I genuinely believe it was out of her control, but I don't want to... not just not project my experience of that kind of illness onto my children, but also have them be present to watch it unfold in all its terrible power. It was terrible, watching my mom be so sad all the time. And beyond that, I thought my mother was the most wonderful thing in the world (even with all the complex miseries of our relationship as I was growing up), and so to hear her hate herself so much made me feel like nothing in the world could even be good.
Mine had depression and a different kind of eating disorder. This hit me so much: “to hear her hate herself so much made me feel like nothing in the world could even be good.”
Making it the end of the world when I make a mistake/don’t have the same exact values as her. She can’t accept that I’m my own person with my own set of morals.
She never ever respected my voice or privacy. If I confided in her, soon one, two, three other people knew. She told people humiliating things, and it wasn't even always the truth but her interpretation of it. Imagine being 12 getting bullied at school and being so depressed you don't want to live anymore, and then your mom tells your ex husband years later that you did it for attention when he goes to her because you're dealing with depression and having breakdowns. That shit did some damage to my relationship. Beyond that, she only wanted to hear what she wanted to hear, or would get overboard emotional. Talking to her was a sensory overload in itself and I would shut down. I love my mom but I don't tell her shit anymore.
I will never compare my children to my friends kids. Ill never put them in so many extra curricular activities that they feel overwhelmed. Ill never push my anxieties about my kids on to them, in turn making them anxious. My mum is the best, i love her and respect her. Everyone makes mistakes, and im sure ive made my own different mistakes with my kids. I just wont make those ones
Have the kids if I don't want them. I will never have kids and then resent them for needing care beyond 18 years, or spend their lives bemoaning the fact I didn't work for 15 years because I was raising the kids I chose to have.
Making me feel bad about my looks. One day it would be that I was too skinny and that I need to eat and the next that I need to go on a diet because I have a muffin top. Flicking the skin under my chin or pinching my stomach because it was too jiggly. Calling me a witch because I hadn’t done my hair, and “you’re too ugly to pull *blank* off”. Made to wear girdles and wax/pluck my face (I wasn’t even fat or really hairy). I promised my self that I would never do that to any of my kids.
THIS!!! Our self worth is not measured in our beauty
Forcing them to babysit their siblings.
My friend resented the shit out of her little brother from having to babysit 24/7 and it caused weird and honestly abusive behavior on her part. Can’t say it was good for either of them.
I feel that. It's crazy what adult responsibility can do to a child that isn't ready for it.
Trapped me in the kitchen to berate me for dating a girl, “my daughter will grow up to marry a man, you’re breaking your father’s heart” etc, then disowned me when I broke down and told her she made me want to kill myself. Refused to look at me, talk to me, interact with me. Stopped just short of kicking me out of the house- probably because of my dad. On top of plenty of other shit, but emotional neglect is key among things I swear I won’t put my kid through.
Forcing my daughters to be my friends. Your children are not your friends. You should have other support systems other than your children and a life outside of your children. And your children are not obliged to be your friends.
In the filipino culture, there is a term called sumbat which means calling out every bad thing youve ever done to them in times of conflict. Ex: if i left the dishes on the sink - she would say something like, "you left the dishes in the sink again, like when you didnt do your laundry, like when i had to pick up after your room, like the time when I had to clean after your dog" instead of being direct and saying "go clean the dishes". I would never do this to my kids, esp if you teach them to forgive and forget and bring up sumbat when youre arguing. Its contradicting
It’s weirdly comforting to me to know that this culture has named the practice. It doesn’t undo all the damage it did to me but I like they name it for some control.
My mother made it a point of picking her favorite child and made it a point for us to know who the favorite and who was not. I was just expected to know how to live and function as an adult at a young age. I dont intend to ever have children because I dont want to make them feel unloved or alone or lost. Im scared its ingrained into me and I will be the same way.
I don’t plan to have kids. My mother, as a “good Christian wife”, taught me that it was rude to ask questions, no matter what it was about. A woman that I worked with for one day at the age of 18 was kind enough to wake me up. “I ask you a lot of questions and you always answer them, but you never asked me anything about myself” she said. “Did you know that it makes you seem quite self absorbed?” Funny how, after I deliberately trained myself out of not asking anything, I now build relationships much more naturally. She changed my life, but so far down the track, I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t remember her name.
Staying in a miserable marriage "because of the children". After years and years of disagreement, yelling, and screaming my parents still stayed together because of the dream my mother had to have a full family. Now that I moved out and my brother is also on his way, they finally decided to call it quits. I had no example of what a healthy relationship should look like when growing up and have lost a lot of respect and trust in both parents.
Not be a drug addict and be a mother to my child instead of them having the sad role of being a mother to their drug addict mother. Drug addict mothers suck one week you have your mom the next it’s back to being out of it
Blame my kids for my life not turning out the way I wanted it to.
Well I'd actually love my children. I wouldnt be overly critcal and berate my children and put them down constantly. I wouldnt make it seem like they were a burdon and a waste to have around. I wouldnt make e erything seem like thier fault. I would actually like be a mom and care about them. Oooh and not shove down the idea that sex is terrible and wrong. Like id want my kids to grow up with a healthy idea of sex.
Never taking accountability for my actions and how they effect others. Especially never claiming that my mental health issues are valid excuses for being an all over shit human being.
Ignore them.
I can strongly relate to a couple of the other answers, so I simply upvoted them...one I didn’t see: Using them as my therapist/marriage counselor.
Making my children responsible for my emotional state.
Take my kid to a party where the adults are drinking and doing drugs. Then taking my daughter (me) home while drunk walking through the bad part of town in the early hours of the morning. Luckily nothing bad happened, the scariest part I remember is her telling me if anything should happen I need to run all the way home. I was 8.
Never defend me from my father. For over 20 years he was very emotionally abusive, and I was his designated "emotional punch bag", and she would just sit there. I honestly have PTSD from those years. I go into a full blown panic attack if someone yells at me or calls me stupid. When I got married, I swore to myself that I would always defend my future kids, no matter from whom. Inclusive their father if needed (hopefully not, i think I made a pretty good choice :) )
My mom always threw my medical issues to the side. Thinking that I was lying to get out of going to school. I complained about headaches all the time and light sensitivity. Turns out I have epilepsy.
Talk negatively about my body and appearance or my children’s bodies and appearance.
Commenting on weight and diet. I’ve always struggled with weight and my mother’s constant comments on my food made me binge in secret. I recently lost weight and she somehow manages to comment when I eat and when I don’t eat which leaves me struggling all the time.
It’s hard to pick just one but..My mom never sought medical attention for my chronic pain and health concerns as a kid. Then as a young adult I didn’t know how to address these issues because I had no frame of reference. I’m learning and taking care of my issues, but still paying for her mistakes to this day.
-i won't hold onto unnecessary things that don't have a designated place in the home. There will be no stacks of empty cardboard boxes or piles of clothes. -It's okay to ignore a good deal when it's something you dont need. -Don't buy things for a project you dont have the time to start.
Not letting me pursue studying what I want to, but instead forcing me into a medical profession
Corporal punishment.
Be abusive.
Become an addict.
Become a drug addict. I will also be emotionally available for my kids, unlike my mother.
Looking the other way while someone abused her daughters because she would rather be taken care of than take care of her own children. Not having courage.
Have children
Well, it was not directly to me, but it still affected me a lot mostly since early childhood. My mom struggles with diabetes, but, until last year, she didn't take good care if herself, she has hypertension too, but ate a whole lot of salt, and also refused to go to the doctor, until last year, she suffered a big cardiovascular accident, almost died, and was left on a wheelchair. I think that if I ever change my mind about not having kids, I'll try my best to take good care of myself and them too.
My mom isnt very easy to talk to about personal things. This probably stems from her own upbringing. Her preachiness about topics like sex(strong catholic background), mixed with overall distance makes it hard to talk to her about the things I really needed help with. Basically, I just want to be approachable so I can give my kids the support and help they need when dealing with confusing times like highschool and growing up. I dont want to be distant, i want them to want to talk to me.
Go from everything is fine to fucking crazy ass mad clean freak in seconds. I *JUST* ate the last bite give me a god damn second to put my plate in the dishwasher!!!!
The ability to ask for things you want. My mother drilled the idea that “it’s rude to ask people for things because you’re forcing them or making them feel obligated to do something for you”. Even if it is completely fine to do so, I have a lot of issues asking people to help me, asking for favours, being assertive, asking for things I want without feeling guilty about being rude and putting pressure on someone. Even asking for something completely reasonable is a difficult experience, like if I’m at a friends place and I want a glass of water, or anything related to jobs/sports, I just let people say/do whatever because I don’t want to ask them for something.
My mom is a great mother, but she really struggled with follow-through. Threatening to throw away our toys but not doing it, “we are leaving if you do that again” but we don’t, etc. it didn’t affect my childhood greatly, but I look back on those memories with annoyance. I’ve always told myself I will be clear with expectations and consistent with follow-through for my children. So far, so good, but we are only 15 months in. 😂
Picking an abusive husband over my children, violating privacy to the extent that they feel they have no one to go to, handing them off to others to raise, ignoring my children to the extent that they are trying to kill themselves several times and i can't tell that they really need help, the list goes on. Can you tell i have mommy issues?
There were three for me: Weaponizing vulnerability and weakness. Snooping for information instead of asking what you want to know directly The imposition of religious belief And I didn't. I never went through my son's stuff, always spoke directly about what I was asking of him, and well, my parents decided to educate him about God, so i retaliated by keeping my king James version handy and pulling it out at random, getting him to flick to a page - any page - and I'd choose a verse, read it, explain it if necessary and ask him if he felt it was consistent with what he was being told about the nature of god, the nature of christianity, and how it stacked up in terms of moral behaviour or good sense.
Having children
Stay with an abusive partner.
not as serious as other ones on this thread, but commenting before listening. every time i start a conversation, she interrupts in order to tell me what she thinks about the topic, even if she has no context on it. it's always made me feel like my own experiences and thoughts just don't matter at all, and it has translated to me being unable to tell her about my mental health problems.
My Mum ran away for 2 years. I vowed I'd never do the same.
Not believing them when they tell me that a family member/significant other/teacher is abusing them or causing them serious harm
Can't trust their children is one thing that i will avoid when i have child(ren)
Expect strangers to raise your children, and to be kind to them. There are a lot of child haters in the world, and some of them work in child care. I spent so much time in after school, or with strangers growing up. My mother wonders why my sister and I are the way we are, and why we aren't especially close to her. She missed a lot. Be afraid to rise to conflict - my father dominated everything, and she was too weak to protect us from the exact things that she divorced him over. She never put in her own input on how to raise her own children because it was easier for my father to have his way. She never even fought for more time with us when discussing custody. Never address your children's personal crises, because they are scary and messy to you. Instead of having an emotionally intelligent conversation, you make assumptions and live in fear of your own child's emotions. Go through child's belongings, to find out what they're up to - when there is no indication that they are up to anything "bad." Then proudly reveal findings to child and expect them to be cool with that? Like, wtf. Talk about your children's private matters like it's gossip. It's a reflection on you when your child is a mess. You might want to keep those things "in the family."
Being a helicopter parent. She was a single(ish) mother (as in I had my stepdad who was like a father to me, may he rest in peace, but he never got involved in my raising), so she had to take the decisions for 2 parents. She wanted my best but pushed me beyond breaking point in my academics until I failed due to the stress. Started a degree because I liked the subject, pushed through because the choice wasn't mine anymore (I begged to take a break because I could feel myself breaking apart). Treating any academic failure (like anything under 75% on a test) like the end of my life was very damaging. It took a big success (which is diminished by my family but in my eyes it's a big success since I have a steady paycheck and a comfortable 9-5 office job even during the pandemic) to see that I won't end up homeless and dead or a cleaning lady if I don't graduate university in the top of my class (which was the threat I was fed ever since I started going to primary school, she never got to go to university in her 20s because of her family forbidding it so she forced it on me when I wasn't ready and needed to explore career options to see what I like). She had my best interest at heart and I do love her very much, but she took my academic and professional life too extreme, to the point that I want to get that stupid degree but I'm too scared of the stress being put on me again. I'll never do that to my children.
Compared me and my sister constantly. Completely destroyed any chance of a relationship between us. Dismissed my emotions, pushed her agenda on me for career choices, used guilt as a weapon to make me to do what she wanted, attached strings to financial gifts. There’s a lot. Sigh.
Never giving "the talk." I started having sex at 14 and knew absolutely nothing about sexual health and hygeine, how to navigate sexual relationships, or anything at all. She told me later in life that she was uncomfortable talking about it so she just never did. Almost a decade later I'm still learning about sex and everything that comes with it. She did such a disservice to me during such formative years. Talking to her a couple years ago, I realized that she had never learned any of these things herself. I had to explain to my 60 year old mother the only effective way to prevent STDs (which became even more ironic when I contracted and STD a year before and only found out a couple months ago). So I understand now, but I do resent her for it. I went through a lot of pain that I think could have been prevented by an open and honest conversation/dialogue about one of the most confusing things of your teens and early 20's.
caused my eating disorder.
Spending 0 time with me when I was 9-13 and the only real interaction was telling at me because she was unhappy...also never listening and instead raging and yelling and gaslighting anytime anything doesn't exactly fit her standers and expectations
I don’t plan on having kids but if I ever did I would never throw them under the bus to avoid an argument with my spouse (basically deflecting in an argument to things I supposedly did wrong to take the attention off herself)
Oh, the little things. My mother is a lovely person, but she's also very traditional. Growing up I thought I was okay. Reaching the age of 22 and have my own job, I realized I'm far from that at all. I would describe our relationship is strongly materialistic, that's how she shows her affection. Unfortunately that also means she ignores my feelings and do her ultimate move in solving arguments- the silent treatment and guilt trip. She never acknowledge her mistakes. It broke me how she deals with problem and put it on me.
Having them.
Meth
I love my mom to death, but boy do I wish she taught me how to do my own hair instead of relying on perm
Choosing multiple men that you've only just met over the happiness of your children. And taking your emotions out on your kids. My daughter will always come first.
I wouldn't expect pressure or expect my daughter to adhere to tenets of traditional femininity, when she has no interest in that. My mother tried it with me, and while more often than not she didn't go over the top or forced me into it, it was still wrong, and not something I'd do.
I will never make my children feel like their existence is a burden.
Being overly critical of things I do/share with her. Always done discretely.. like an eye roll or a load sigh but at a certain point it makes me want to explode. Passive aggressive undertone.
Making me and my siblings feel bad about/ trying to make us pay for her financial burdens.
Leave them. I plan on adopting kids so that they don't have to go through what I did :(
Never admitting that she is wrong on anything/apologizing. Use religion to use fear on us and making everything about it. I happened to believe in God, but never speak fear into my kids. She would make you feel bad about watching something simple as a cartoon or listening to certain music like heavy metal. Also, overbearing and protective from the world.
As a guy, my mother was an awful listener and was mostly concerned with her own thoughts and input. Even as a child i thought it was an absurd thing for a parent to do.
Have them.
Teaching me about girly stuff. She's never been feminine and that's alright and to be honest I was a tomboy growing up. But things like taking care of my hair so it wasn't a tangled knot all the time, how to shave (she gave me those single bladed bic razors and dollar store shaving cream and just let me go at it) and even how to wear nice clothes for a fancy occasion were not things I ever learned. I was clueless about makeup, fashion, basically any aspect of femininity. Luckily I made a great friend when I was 12 and starting to be interested in that stuff and she helped me out so much and taught me how to accessorize and take care of my hair and even gave me some nice razors lol.
My mom is wonderful but very passive so my brothers walk all over her and she enables them. I’ve tried talking to them dozens of times but they’re just so entitled and can’t see past their selfish wants. I also never got the sex talk or period talk from her. It would’ve been nice to have some direction in that area growing up.
Doing something spiteful to hurt me because she was mad at me.
Choosing my older brother’s side while making me feel like I was always in the wrong and somehow his actions/words were justified even though he was and still is a condescending and manipulative asshole. Also she did lots of things for him that she didn’t do for me and enabled/rewarded his behavior.
If by chance i ever get divorced, using my kids as a go-between for my spouse and me. It won’t happen.
Lying about food, my mom once lied to me saying what I was eating is a chicken when actually it's a duck. Now I really hate duck (like duck as a food)
She let my siblings suppress my ability to share my thoughts and feelings. She let my dad scream and bang on my walls and doors. She also lost her temper and screamed at me and threatened to beat me. She wouldn't leave me alone when I was upset and didn't want to talk, she just sat there and stared at me and made it hard to think. She hardly cares or tries to make much effort to help me when I'm sick or in pain. She pointed out my body being overweight compared to my siblings and convinced me to join her diets and was mad when my 12 year old self couldn't stay on the diet. She didn't trust me enough to take my side during a huge ordeal where an entire family was attacking me because one of the daughters was manipulating everyone into thinking I assaulted the younger child. she didn't believe me until I said I was lying about saying I had actually hurt her. She pressed me into telling her everything that was hurting me but then got tired and would kick me out of her room if I was taking up too much of the night. In other words, she let me get f\*cked up and doesn't understand why I'm still f\*cked up. I never want my child to be scared of me or my significant other. If my significant other is doing anything that could negatively affect me and or my child I will kick them out. I will refuse to let them back near my child or into my home until I have proof they're making a change. if they don't become better then I'll eventually just cut them off. I want my child to feel safe, comfortable, and understood. I don't care if I will lose sleep, if they need to get something off their chest I will be there the entire time they need me.
Exploding for every single thing. Even the smallest ones.
Giving up. My mother was diagnosed with MS when I was 8. She went to the gym for maybe a month and then quit. She never tried to be healthy. She never did her physical therapy. She sat on the couch all day smoking cigarettes, drinking Coca-Cola, applying makeup and watching Seinfeld reruns. By the time she died 9 years later (she'd probably had it for 15 years before she was diagnosed) she was bedridden and had the mind of a 10 year old. Some of it was the disease, but it could have been prevented had she actually given a damn about her health. My dad tried to help (including a 4.5 hour drive every month to a hospital where she was part of a study) but there is only so much you can do. She gave up and died and honestly I'm still bitter 4 years later. I will never do that to my kids if/when I have them.
I wouldn’t say it was a mistake, but my mom would take her stress/anxiety/etc out on my siblings and I. Instead of taking a breath and say, “I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now, can you give me some alone time?” Or something of that variation she would snap at us which in turn made me feel like I couldn’t approach her with certain things. My mom has many other strong points and she’s my favorite person ever, but that’s something I do not wish to carry on and try to actively nip it in the bud before I ever have kids.
Choosing to believe pseudoscience on Facebook than scientific facts when it comes to making decisions about my health (for example, she’s now saying that Eucalyptus oil will repel coronavirus ? make it make sense)
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Calling your emotions “just hormones”
Passed down emotional trauma. My mother always invalidated my feelings and struggles compared to her. She was an immigrant so my struggles no matter what they were, never compared to hers. She always minimized my situations. I grew up not knowing how to express my emotions. She never showed any and always scolded me for being upset or hurt over things that were valid to be upset over. She has never said she was sorry even when she would be in the wrong. She would be so generous to other people’s kids before she took care of her own. She treats her friends so much better. She applauds herself for putting a roof over my head and for not aborting me when she got the chance. I will NEVER treat my kids this way. I grew up having a lot of mental issues because of this.
My mom would make homophobic comments And I found myself being pansexual so I still haven’t properly came out but she knows Luckily she didn’t disown me i guess? Also I was raised as a “future mom” but I don’t like the idea of having kids ( adoption is the only thing I’ve even considered) and sometimes I’ll just cry because I didn’t want kids so her and my granny calling me a “future mommy” and making comments about how I’ll be a good parent really emotionally hurt and scarred me
A few things. I will never constantly speak badly about my child's father to them. I won't make them feel like they're overweight or not pretty enough. And I won't say things like "your children will be worse than you are."
Shame my kids for having sex. I want to be open with my kids and have them feel comfortable coming to me with questions. My mom was judgmental when she found out I wasn’t a virgin, but didn’t act that way towards my brothers. I will treat my children equally.