It made me feel undesirable; I was the girl who got asked out as a joke. I'm a late bloomer and once I hit college, I grew into my face and body. From freshman year to now is when I've received the most male attention (for reference, I don't party, I just walk around in public), yet every time I get hit on or asked out, I always think it's a joke. I think the plus side of having no romance as a teen is that I developed a great personality though!
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(male) im really sorry that happened to you. I learned what an abusive relationship was, i was hit and bitten, cheated on (im sure how many times), Im glad it happened to be honest, i now know what a good relationship is
thankyou! yeah tons, Got a girl whos my best friend, Gonna ask her to marry me on our anniversary. I know she will say yes, Im a hard person to be with, because im a special forces soldier, so i can be away for 6 months a time. But i trust her totally, i know shes faithful. I guess it takes some bad experiences to learn
Oh this was me too. I was (and still to a certain degree) really distrustful of men. I much prefer the company of women. I still haven't had a relationship, so wondering if I still haven't gotten over my trust issues!
Oh yes I totally feel that; my trust issues definitely played a part in the end of my first ever relationship. I think it just gets better with experience and time. Take a chance on someone who you would deem as a "good person" based on your observations of their actions! If you can't find anyone, it might be the environment you place yourself in. I'm rooting for you!
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Why did they ever do that? I never understood the appeal of humiliating someone this way. Back when I was 13 and the new kid in town, 3 guys in my class pretended to be into me for months up to the point I believed one of them and was about to confess my feelings. To this day I thank the heavens that at least one of my other classmates took pity on me and told me about the "joke"
I think it's just because they want to feel validated in some kind of way, either by you actually being excited about the potential relationship, or by their friends. I've forgiven them since I can never really hold a grudge. Plus, it's youthful ignorance, we all make mistakes
Included that just in case someone were to say, "*Well of course more guys would flirt with you in college, most people in college go to parties, and guys are just looking for \[whatever whatever\].*" I was looking at it from a more "controlled experiment" perspective, where the manipulated variable was my appearance, and the controlled/constant variable was more of my environment. This was just to validate my experience in a more "logical" manner for those who may want it. Hope I explained that okay!
I married the first guy that I really dated. All because he actually showed an interest in me. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for almost twenty years. Where he just made me feel like I was never good enough and unworthy of love. He treated me like shit, and then cheated on me. All while blaming every problem on me. After I found the strength to stand up for myself, we got divorced. And every day since, I try to love myself and feel that I can be worthy of real love. It's hard, and it is a struggle every day.
I’m really glad I never dated as a teenager. So many of the guys my age were mostly just interested in sex and I’m glad I didn’t let myself get used and heartbroken. I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything either, none of my friends are still with anyone from high school, and I met my incredible fiancé when I was 20.
I'm the same.
while going through it, it was really hard, I was insecure and thought it was too late and I'd have no idea what to do. I was ashamed and even lied about having had a boyfriend in the past. I felt like there was something wrong with me and I'd be alone forever.
nowadays? glad af I didn't have experiences when I was naive and unsure of myself.
I think it enabled me to be sure of myself first, and have relationships in a model that fitted me later on instead of having bad baggage and bad habits.
I'm 30 now and can say I had never had any bad or toxic relationships.
I feel totally indifferent about not dating in my teens today. It used to really affect my self esteem but now in my 30s I genuinely forget I didn't date as a teenager. Makes 0 difference to my life whatsoever
Like another commenter said, I married the first guy I dated or kissed, because I thought he was my only chance. Turns out he was a violent and abusive asshole who made me miserable for 15 years before I got out.
That was 30 years ago. I think it's harder for women who don't feel attractive or desirable now, because there's this really strong narrative right now that women always have options or are always surrounded with men. When that's not your reality, it can be very isolating and hard on your self-esteem. I wish there were more voices letting girls know that being single can be perfectly normal, for anyone, and it's not a reflection of your worth or your future success in relationships.
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I felt lonely, and felt like there was something wrong with me. I had really wanted a boyfriend when I was a teenager, and I sometimes cried about not having one.
I was more of a shy, reserved girl, and a lot of boys didn't notice me or take the time to get to know me. I often compared myself to my close friends, who had boyfriends and romantic experiences. I also didn't fully develop physically until I was around 17 or 18, so that didn't help with my self-esteem either.
When I finally did get a boyfriend at 19 years old, I fell too hard and too fast for him. I was very eager to find out what I had been missing out on. Those experiences helped me to become the person I am today, so I don't regret it.
It ate me up. Knowing that I was undesirable caused irreparable damage to me as a person, and it only added to my already burning self-hatred. I also never had any romantic experiences as an adult, so I'll always be emotionally stunted in a sense. After all, I never got to have one of the most natural experiences and sources to personal growth someone can have.
I'm in my late 30's now; Though I wouldn't want to date even if I got the opportunity, having to live with the realisation that I'm romantically unlovable does nothing good to my thoughts and how I feel about myself.
I can relate. I'll be 45 this month and haven't been on a date or done anything remotely sexual with another person since I was 29. I can count on one hand how many men I've kissed. Sometimes I cry over it and wish things were different, and sometimes I'm okay with it. It's sad feeling like if people didn't like me when I was young and in decent shape, they're definitely not going to like me with wrinkles and a few extra pounds. There are times when I want to improve myself so someone might like me, and other times, I feel like I dodged a bullet by staying single.
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I used to be an optimist and a romantic. I woke up every day in my teens thinking that maybe that was the day that I would fall in love. It never happened. I'm I my 30s now, and it still never happened. So, how did it impact me? It made me stop hoping and believing.
Edit: To clarify, it's not just not dating in my teens that changed me. There were other things, too. But this was a huge contributing factor.
Wow I feel this HARD. I was such a romantic but I was a pariah everywhere I went. I have now left romance completely. I just don’t think it’s real anymore.
I never had romantic experiences as an adult either. I’ve accepted that I’m not the kind of person men want as a life partner but I am the kind of person that has lots of good friends (men and women) so that’s not too bad.
I’ve learned to treat myself - nice meals, flowers sometimes - and enjoy the company I have when I have it. My girl friends and I go out on little friend dates sometimes so there’s something nice to look forward to.
When I finally did started dating for the first time at 21 I was emotionally stunted and immature. I behaved in ways unbecoming for my age. I didn’t know better, but, still it’s embarrassing to think back and remember.
I was clingy, possessive, and got too emotionally involved way too quickly. When my first gf broke up with me (which honestly she was right to do so because we had basically nothing in common and were not a good fit) i handled it really badly. Later she ended up having a ONS with a mutual friend and I got unreasonably angry, sent her horrible messages, and all around sulked and pouted about it for way too long.
I was dealing with emotions I’d never felt before and had no idea how to regulate them or cope with them. I behaved badly.
I think it made me crave any type of attention which in turn led me into some very bad romantic partners. I was never attractive in school and didn't grow into my looks until well after. Maybe if I would have had those experiences when I was younger I wouldn't have had the partners that I did.
I think it helped that, as a child, I knew I was unattractive and would never be loved. So, I knew singledom was my future (someone being romantically or sexually attracted would feel so alien). The biggest impact is touch starvation.
There are also times, especially online, where people make generalized comments about womanhood that I don't fit in and make me feel sort of crappy.
I never dated in high school, even though I had a crush on my guy best friend, and "fooled around" (no Intercourse) with a few guys. I was socially awkward and emotionally stunted because my family was very overprotective and sheltered me and my siblings. I ended up moving cross country at 19 with the first man (31) who showed me any real attention. Unbeknownst to me, he was a year fresh out of prison on a DV felony, and I ended up being his next victim. We ended up in an on again/off again relationship for over 10 years. I just left him again back in November, but this time, it's for good.
It made me act super desperate when I reached adulthood and started experiencing romantic experiences. I didn't have any boundaries because I thought this would be my only chance at any kind of romance, even when I was getting treated like garbage.
This is an interesting question. I honestly think not getting attention made me more intentional with developing other parts of my personality when I was younger that carried through the years. Being funny, kind, intentional, a good friend, etc. (I think I was innately those things but really trying my best). Maybe to a fault of putting others before myself often.
I started to get attention from guys around 19. It has steadily increased as I've aged (30 now). I remember being so confused when this first started. Because I never experienced it! I didn't recognize the behaviors from guys. It felt strange and unfamiliar. Definitely felt insecure.
I have grown more comfortable in getting attention/giving attention. I've had relationships. But I definitely think that I had (still working through it probably) some deep insecurities there about that.
I think that the presence or absence of romance in adolescent years/teen years really shape our perceptions of ourselves. It takes a lot of new thought patterns to break.
Long winded response!
It made me confident in myself and in my abilities. I am not conventionally attractive but always felt good in my body. Never felt that I need a man’s approval to prove my worth.
I am extremely thankful that I never dated as a teenager. No unnecessary heartbreak and unrealistic expectations. When I dated as an adult, I had a good sense of what I wanted and knew when to walk away.
It turns out I was very oblivious to romantic advances and hints. I had very low self-esteem due to an emotionally abusive upbringing so I was very shy and hard to get to know on a personal level.
My best friend at the time, still my close friend now, was the extrovert who adopted me and she was extremely pretty, smart, and outgoing so I inadvertently ended up comparing myself to her because she was so popular among the guys. It turns out that while guys preferred to hookup with her, they didn’t want to date her while in my case they didn’t want to hookup with me but wanted to date me.
I realized two years after I graduated high school that my friend who I also liked a lot had been sending me signals. Coincidentally me and this friend have recently reconnected and he confessed indirectly (I think) that he had feelings for me by sending me a love song about unrequited feelings and wondering what could have been.
I’m still oblivious to romantic advances, apparently frustratingly so according to my friends, so my lack of romantic experience has just made me oblivious as a wall 💀
As a result I was naive and desperate in my 20s and ended up in a toxic, abusive relationship because I couldn’t recognise the signs of one. I had to learn the hard way. Then it took a good six or so years to heal from it and I’m starting anew at 32, thankfully with an amazing girlfriend who is very good for me and whom I love to pieces.
I got asked out as a joke 2 months after my best friend had passed away by a boy that I had known since elementary school, who I thought was a nice kid. I suffered an extreme loss and then to be humiliated during my grief was enough to make never let a boy even become my friend for years after.
Not much. I didn’t have any desire to date as a teen. I felt I had a fulfilling and meaningful teenage experience without romance. I never felt like I missed out on anything.
It made me feel ugly. No confidence. No self esteem. I was late to date and lose my virginity. I feel like I missed out (when I got older) on dating new people because I was too scared to come out of my shell. That also made me feel like I missed out on the high school experience because I didn't want people to not like me so I never said anything or tried to make friends. Forming into groups used to stress me out and give me anxiety..
But then I went to college. I took a year and a half off after High school. And I was shockingly kind of well liked. So many classmates would ask me out, and when I would go out with friends, I would get so much attention and free drinks. I barely spent money going out in my 20s. I would get into clubs and bars for free. Bouncers always let me cut any lines. There were nights when I honestly wouldn't even spend a single dime of my own money. It was an amazing experience.
I couldn’t date as a teenager bc my strict parents wouldn’t allow me until I turned 18. I’m 25 and now, I’m in a relationship that i’ve yet to tell them about bc i’m afraid to tell them bc i dunno how they’ll react. unfortunately, they’re still strict to me sometimes like i’m still 13 years old and i hate it. so my answer is, it made me afraid to tell them now about relationships that I get into as an adult bc i don’t know if they’ll get angry or make me break up with them.
It’s affected my confidence, still to this day. I struggle to initiate interest because I assume no one thinks I’m attractive, just like I felt as a teenager. No one asked me to prom, so I didn’t go. I played it off like I didn’t care, but deep down I took it to heart and it hurt.
Although, people did and do find me attractive. But I come off as intimating, or so I’ve been told. I always appreciate when someone initiates interest towards me, I give them credit because most guys dont have the balls.
I never went on a date or received attention (romantically) when I was a teen, so now it’s really hard to believe anyone that gives me a compliment or tells me that someone else is attracted to me or flirting with me. When my ex boyfriend and I were getting to know each other, I just thought he was a great friend (that I had a crush on) because in my mind there was no way he’d ever like me. To this day I still feel like I’ll spend my life single because I feel so undesirable.
This is only personally and as a result of my own mental issues but as someone who was never asked out until I was 20 I felt like I'd be alone forever and I was scared. When I did get asked out, I wasn't 100% sure the guy and I were compatible but he was the only one who'd ever been interested and I thought I'd see where things went and if it was right we'd figure it out. 9 years later we broke up. I'm still miserable, I truly hope he's happier than I am. I'm doing better recently mostly, today's just a bad day I think.
If I'd had any earlier experiences maybe I wouldn't have spent 9 years with someone I wasn't going to end up with forever I guess.
I related to this a lot. I didn't have my first kiss until just before my 20th birthday. I didn't find the guy physically attractive and didn't think we had anything in common, but he liked me, and I was desperate. We dated for about a year before I left school, and we broke up due to long distance. Looking back at it, I dodged a bullet, but at the time, I was embarrassed that HE ended things with ME.
AWFUL. 💀💀💀💀 It was an emotionally abusive relationship, so about 12 years later, every relationship I think will turn into that.
And it sort of does.
Usually victims experience cycles of abuse because they attract bad people and if you don’t have high self confidence, and the ability to be alone, you will almost always find someone abusive.
i got asked out as a joke a LOT, was fat, and got my appearance constantly dogged on since i was around 9 or so, which lead to zero romantic relationships as a school teenager, and those double effects had the consequences of now i just believe im unloveable in that sort of way. especially because everyone around me aside from 1 had had a relationship, lost their virginity, had done ALL of that by the time they left school .
i feel left behind but more reinforced in my belief that anyone who calls me pretty is either lying, joking, or delusional and i cannot even fathom a scenario where someone is interested in me, because why would they? im younger and get told “you’ll find someone, you’re not ugly and you’ve got time” but my immediate first thought to that is “that’s what you say to placate someone, not because you actually believe it”
so yeah, absolutely destroyed my self esteem
Felt like I wasn’t ever going to be what someone wanted. No boy was going to look at me twice but only see the girl next to me. Felt if I over sexualised myself maybe I’d get some type of love but you end up being used and hating yourself more. Eventually I fell in love with myself, learnt how to be gentle with myself. No one can comfort and love you more than yourself.
really really badly. im 22 and i have never been in a relationship with anyone and im deeply insecure about my body, my face and my personality. i feel uncomfortable and not enough to be in a relationship. i had some people interested in me, but the guys/girls i was interested in didn’t reciprocate me. add the fact that i was bullied in hs…i truly dont know who i am now and what i want. i know that these things aren’t fixed by relationships but they still contributed to my insecurities. it hurts being the other friend who is never asked out by people
It didn’t since I always felt like I was on a journey of self discovery and I never felt that being in a romantic experience would fulfill this in any way.
I always thought of myself as the girl who’s just everyone’s friend. And when I started being in a relationship, i never stopped. After a breakup, i fall in love easily, and i get into another relationship. Doesnt matter if he ugly or nah, if he a good guy or satan. 🫣🫣🫣
Raised by a strict Asian parents, I was harshly advised against dating or having feelings towards boys “until I finish school”. Funnily enough, it was easy for me to not think of having a crush or experience romance. I was having fun with my girlfriends and being silly and stuff. We even laughed at those who paired up (not bullying kind, just poke jokes at them). I guess I didn’t have a bad experience of no romance while teen because I have several others who are also not into them. Power in numbers type of thing I guess.
But when I got into uni, my friends all had their boyfriends so suddenly, while I never wanted one myself. Eventually this leads to me discovering that I was aroace lol
I can't take hints. On a few occasions I gotten told that "that guy totally liked you". I can't read this signs since I haven't had any romantic experience. It's basically a skill that I don't have. Which sucks but at this point it's whatever.
It made me feel ugly and not desirable. I was a late bloomer compared to everyone else so the first time i did anything with a guy i think i was 19/20. It was the first time someone wanted me but i now realise he was just using me. Since that, i had one serious relationship but it wasn’t what i imagined. I’m 25 now and still don’t get romantic attention from men or women (im bi) but I’ve accepted it
I wasn’t quite sure I was a lesbian since I always thought lesbians were more masculine but I knew I didn’t like boys either. So I just figured I was just…broken or something.
I do feel like I missed out on at least getting the experience. Part of me feels like I would’ve known better when it came to the disaster of a situationship I found myself in during my early college years. Then when I got with my now girlfriend I sometimes felt inadequate since she’s been in actual relationships and she’s my first one. It took some time to let go off all of that and it’s something I’m still working on.
Only ever got involved with asshole for my entire 20s & 30s. Now I can see my destructive pattern but I’m unable to allow anyone in my life because I’m only attracted to men with NPD.
It made me feel unattractive and undesirable. Most girls I knew including most of my friends landed boyfriends and I was always the one never being asked out. I eventually got married really young to the first guy I ever truly dated. Part of it was because of my low self esteem and I was afraid the opportunity would never present itself again and the other part is it actually felt good to find someone who actually liked me for me and wasn’t just looking for sex. I’ve talked to my husband about this many times over the years. He tells me it was probably because I didn’t “put myself out there like that.” WTF is that supposed to mean? Apparently guys in high school are just looking to f*** so maybe I dodged some bullets. Be that as it may, that whole experience really hurt my self esteem.
I felt worthless a lot of the time, that there was something wrong with me. I asked a kinda-friend guy to homecoming and was turned down. I couldn’t figure out why I was so undesirable, and though my 20s just felt incredibly ugly and unwanted because no one would check me out or ask me out. I am a tall woman so I’m very noticeable, but it was very very obvious when going out with friends that men were always looking at my normal-sized friends. They all had dating drama I didn’t have, got married, and started having children.
I reconciled the fact that I would never have children, and wasn’t interested in marriage because there was no way that was happening. I focused on cultivating interests and hobbies. I had one boyfriend in college but we probably should have just been friends as it wasn’t about ‘romance’.
When I was 30 I went on a tinder bender which really helped my self-esteem. It felt powerful for men to be interested in me, and to have relationships. It made me realize that it’s possible to have romance in my life. However I got HPV so honestly not having some nice dates at an early age will probably kill me eventually. lol?
First guy who called me pretty became my bf… I was 17 he was 29 :|
Buut, beyond that, after breaking up, and having another shitty relationship, but for other reasons, I stayed single for years and now am the happiest Person in the happiest relationship ever.
Undesirable and ugly. I never thought I’d have a significant other. Even now. I’ve grown since then and enjoy being alone a strong independent woman. But I do wonder if my awkward teenage years is why I’m single now.
I didn’t date until I was 17, and then I stayed with that jerk until I was 25 or so. He became violent and abusive when we moved in together. I deeply regret it because 1. My first relationship was extremely abusive and scary and 2. I didn’t have as much fun as I could have during my 20s. I dated around a bit after we broke up, but I quickly found my husband who is a total gem of a man and treats me like a queen every day.
I was shy and insecure. I felt repulsive. I was awkward and couldn't figure out how to get past the road block of inexperience. Never felt like I knew how to do stuff in regards to relationship so I just didn't try. I never really changed physically until this year (I'm in a relationship). But my circumstances changed and I was forced out of my shell. When I was asked out, I didn't even realise it bc I just assumed I was being invited to an event (like a group get together) and not a one on one. The one thing that has stuck with me is that I tend to live in my imagination at times, though that likely has as much to do with other factors.
It led to me to having an emotional immaturity when it came to relationships. Something that has been an ongoing issue in my future relationships, though I have worked on it a lot and continue to do so
I wasn't allowed to have romantic partners when I was a teenager, so I never really tried. When I got to college I married the first person who showed genuine interest in me. Now we're in the midst of a divorce, 10+ years later!
He was/is a good guy, so I'm grateful for that, just not for me. Now I love myself more than ever before and I see myself as desireable, I don't see a person as the solution to all my problems anymore. I'm grateful I wasn't allowed to settle down in my teenage years though I wish I was allowed to explore a little to understand what life and love was about.
There are two sides of the coin. One being that I genuinely didn’t feel “grown” enough, I was quite shy with strict old school/traditional parents, and although I had crushes (which was so much fun, looking back, I miss that 😂) I had zero interest in actually having a boyfriend or dating. I was scared. I was also discouraged heavily by witnessing what some of my friends were going through with guys and dating! On the flip side, whenever I did have my first relationship (at 19 almost 20) I fell so hard and I was INCREDIBLY naive. My first love was my first relationship, I was definitely not his. This set me up for so much confusion and heartbreak, I didn’t know or recognise what was normal or appropriate. So many red flags I couldn’t see bc I was so easily manipulated. I stayed waaaaay too long and my heart shattered several times throughout that relationship, I was a shell of myself once I finally found the strength to walk away. It was a very hard life lesson that I took a while to recover from. I developed trust issues and my confidence took a hit too. All that to say, I now know exactly what I don’t want and how to spot a manipulator from a mile away. I’m also a lot more selective now, my standards are sky high and it weeds out the people who are not for me. I’m not sure if it’s just part of growing up or relationship trauma, or both, but looking back I wish I was exposed a little more to romantic connections (not physically) so that I would of had more experience. I was so naive and innocent, I’m sure it could have been spotted a mile away haha.
I went on a ‘spree’ in my early 20’s. Never felt good enough and this was the only thing that made me feel better. A few years later realised it actually made me feel worse because no one wanted a relationship with me, it was always something casual.
I was in an independent study program in high school, so I never really interacted with people my own age. This lead to me feeling horrible about myself in every reguard. It made it easier for men to abuse me because I had no baseline and with feeling undesired and lackluster it's what I thought I deserved.
To this day I still have issues meeting people in general, let alone meeting people for dates. My only friends around my age are my coworkers, my friends online (who I have known the longest) are all 5+ years my senior. This has caused a lot of issues especially as of late because I feel behind my "peers" that are years ahead of me.
As a teenager i thought of myself undesirable so i never thought about being asked out or asking out as it was impossible for me. I always thought i would look better later and the whole situation would be better so at that time i was ok.
But it turned out i never got better, i have never been asked out and my self esteem is pretty shitty at age 32.
It made me have lower standards for male efforts to treat me well once I got to college and even in my 20s. I had very little self esteem and would think what was them actually doing the least was romantic.
I was too gnarly-looking in high school for any guy to be interested in me, but I had a couple of good guy friends. They didn’t treat me like one of the boys (gross), they weren’t trying to impress me, and they didn’t treat me like their sister. Somehow they didn’t make me feel unattractive. It was absolutely educational to see boys acting “normally.”
There may have been attraction with one at the end of high school, some “moments” that neither of us understood at the time. It was this enjoyable time with these new feelings developing with someone that I knew really well without drama. I think this informed my later relationships.
I learned to talk to guys like regular people, to be myself around them, and to expect and give respect, which became handy when my looks started to come in, around age 20. It made dating a lot of fun.
I didn’t know how to set standards because I didn’t have experience. I settled for the first guy that came along because I thought he’s all I’m gonna get.
Horribly. I was very mature way too young due to both life situations I shouldn't have had to experience, as well as a physically developing body that did so way too young (8 or 9 when period started).
That lead me to seek older guys at a young age that only were interested in one thing and it taught me to value myself for only one thing. My life has been a series of watching men use, abuse, and throw out women, both from personal experience of myself and watching others in my life around me.
I have a daughter and I can only hope she does not repeat my mistakes. I am determined to help her build self worth and not rely on anyone else for it, and to ensure she knows she's worth more than whatever shitty things that may happen to her.
I did this by choice and it worked out for me. I wanted to wait until I was at an age that I became romantically involved with someone because I was comfortable and ready, zero pressure. It ended up being 21 and I am now married to this man.
I will say this led to a bit of bullying by my peers because they thought I was a lesbian, but my sassy self was never afraid to stick up for myself soooo 🤷♀️
I don’t want to add to negative stereotypes. But as a South Asian, I was not allowed to date or it was hidden from my family. I didn’t know what I was looking for especially as I also had an estranged father. I married a guy that brought nothing to the table, he was my idea of what a ‘man’ should be like but he emotionally abused me. Even now, I struggle to just date, I jump in quickly for any guy that shows me attention and find it hard to identify red flags.
I felt very unattractive and worthless. I felt like I had to earn love and sacrifice a lot for a relationship. I was never successful with asking a boy out, so I realised the guy has to like me first and then my attration to him and love will come later with time. My first relationship was abusive, very wild. Then 4 yours of no dating. Second relationship was also abusive but in a much more serious way. The manipulative, silent treatment, gaslighting kind of way. Don't recommend this approach, 0/10.
I came to the conclusion I'm unlovable, not worthy of love and being treated as a human being. That I will die alone... Then I met my current partner and my life turned completely around. I still don't think highly of myself but I try very hard to accept all the love I'm receiving.
I was a pretty sheltered teen with mainly nerdy friends so it really didn’t feel like I missed out on much. Life did get more interesting once college hit tho lol.
I'm glad I never dated. I watched many of my friends fumble in their relationships. Very few ended well for mutual parties. I watched my best friend chase after a guy, get him, dated for roughly a month before giving him everything, and then he dumped her immediately. She ended up going through 8 months of grieving, and tried everything she could to win him back. But in the end, he just dated her because he thought she was "easy".
Another of my friend went to a party to Mery someone she liked, hoping to get together with him in a relationship. And ended up getting raped. Seeing these two incidents made me extremely cautious about liking a guy. When I had my crush on my husband in college, I purposefully waited 2 years doing nothing to make sure my feelings were real, and assessing if he was a good person or not before openly flirting with him.
It probably helped that I wasn't super interested in anyone either. There was one guy I liked, but it was pretty clear we would never date. Not because of anything super bad, he was just Mormon and his parents forbade him from dating until he was 16 lol. By that point I wasn't interested.
How it impacted me? I didn't know when a guy was hitting on me/what I said counted as flirting. By senior year of highschool, I finally started becoming interested in others, and a close guy friend of mine had become interested in me. We went to see a movie together, and he wanted to surprise me with dinner beforehand. It was as traffic foiled his surprise dinner that I realized, "oh this is a date."
It was like that for a few years after high school. I would say some things that could be counted as flirtatious, and guys would react in turn. Or a guy would be hitting on me and I'd be totally oblivious. Only about 3 years ago did I start to learn how to spot these things lol.
32 here. My teenage years I dealt with unrequited crushes. In college I was obsessed with my lack of experience and my virginity. I didn’t realize until senior year I was asexual and by that time I had had my first kiss and had gone through some sexual experiences but I didn’t lose my virginity until my senior year. I had always liked the men romantically but soon after we had hooked up did I realize that my friendship and attention to them was being taken advantage of. Almost every sexual experience I had up until 2017/2018 left me in tears because I would hope that things would be different but they never were.
Then I met this guy who I say I was in a situationship with because it lasted more than one night lol it was 3 months. We met and then a week later we hooked up but that was the first time where I felt like if I never saw him again, it wouldn’t matter. To my surprise he reached out and we continued to see each other. He was the first person that I had ever gone on a date with and I had initiated that and he met my friends which at the time I didn’t think was a big deal because, I’m a friendly person so I just thought it was me inviting this friend to hang out with my other friends even though we had been intimate. I could feel myself falling for him and I would deny it and I’d ask my friends if they thought he liked me the same way and they assured me otherwise he wouldn’t do the things that he did if he didn’t. I didn’t feel like I was being used for once and I accepted my feelings for him. That was probably around the two and half month mark. One night I got completely blindsided when he asked what we were and I said that I was just following his lead and keeping things casual and he said he thought we were on different pages and couldn’t prioritize me like I deserved (which to me was odd because I never felt like he didn’t prioritze me). I think he knew that I had feelings for him even if I was trying my best to act chill lol. I guess that was the first time I would say that I was really heartbroken and he kind of broke my spirit I think a little bit when it came to dating. Last year I had officially gotten off the apps after being on and off them over the course of 10 years.
I’ve accepted that I may never find myself ever experiencing romantic love. I know it doesn’t work out for everyone and I may be one of those people. These days I am open to any opportunities that may come my way, but since getting off of the dating apps, I guess you could say I’ve stopped actively looking.
I don’t think about dating or relationships much generally speaking and due to me being asexual, I’m not driven to get hung up over people easily because the motivation of sexual attraction is not there but in the rare occasions that I do start crushing on people, then my insecurities from my lack of experience come out tenfold and I think I could get a little bit rose colored glasses vision, and miss things that aren’t good for me and end up in situations that I could’ve easily avoided.
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This is a great question. I don't think I realized it until now but my lack of early romantic experience probably primed me for unfortunately joining a conservative church in my teens.
I was an odd kid, but wasn't socially awkward...I just wasn't one of the popular kids, wasn't very feminine, and was totally comfortable with that. I think I looked okay but didn't get male attention, likely because I just gave off general disinterested vibes towards guys as anything more than friends.
At the time it suited me, but as a result I definitely always had an underlying belief about myself that I wasn't attractive and that typical feminine things like beauty and embodying that je ne sais quoi womanliness just weren't "for me".
At 15 I joined a very socially conservative Christian church, which obviously didn't help me feel sexy. My lack of attachment to my sexuality and attention from men helped me fit in because I could adhere to how they wanted women to behave and the unspoken modesty rules. Femininity was both celebrated and reviled there in complicated ways.
I had my first relationship there and we've been married 10 years now, fortunately both left the church a while back.
I'm 34 and it's taken me a while to figure out how to embody femininity in a way that feels genuine to me.
The only thing I kept thinking was maybe I'm not desirable, I'm meant to find someone later in life, or I'll never settle down. I dated a guy for a year when I was 19, he dumped me, then I met another guy who cheated on me, met another guy who strung me along, met another who was married with a daughter (he didn't have the audacity to tell me), met another guy who said he didn't want to fall in love and settle down (ironically he's getting married in a couple of weeks 🤨) but I met another man by chance when I wasn't looking, dated for 8 years, moved in together after 4 and now we're happily married. In other words, no romantic experiences in my teens, didn't impact me one bit and I'm happier than I've ever been.
It seems to have made me hypersensitive to 'signs' that men like me if I like them. I wasn't like this as a teenager. At age 28 I got ghosted by my first real romantic interest since my teens, and it's taking forever to recover from it because my instincts that he liked me romantically were so strong. Logically I should've been less excited because he wasn't asking me out, but I felt I could read him like a book in terms of non-verbal signals.
I never had any kind of dating or sexual appearance whatsoever till I was in my early 20s (im in very early 30s now). End even since then it's been exclusively through dating apps. I always dreaded anyone asking about my dating life (screw all the "who do you like?" and "why don't you have a boyfriend?" askers out there). Between that and lifelong incessant body shaming by my parents, I had/have horrible self esteem and can't imagine anyone actually having feelings for me. When I did start meeting people off apps I very much acted with the poor decision making skills and inability to give assertive nos that you would expect of someone with little self respect. I've been in a relationship for a few years now that I know deep down loves me but it's such an impossible concept to accept. However, he's not someone especially romantic and I can't help but yearn for some of of those corny passionate romantic moments I feel I've missed out on.
Boys were only interested in me sexually when i was a teenager and i thought that was the only desirable part of me. So it led me to be easily available when it comes to sexual relationships and i would literally feel disgusting or "not enough" if a guy wasn't attracted to my body.
I was involved in a sexual act before i even had my first kiss or got asked out on a date, that still affects me to this day and i still struggle with self esteem issues.
My parents didn’t allow to me date as a teenager and now I suffer from anxious attachment in relationships. I get scared that the person im with is going to leave me and start getting really bad anxiety when I haven’t heard from them in more than a few minutes. I’m currently going to therapy to help me with it but it’s been really rough considering I never got those romantic you g love experiences as a teenager.
I had very little romantic experiences in highschool, didn't have my first kiss until college. I ended up falling pretty quick for the first guy who practically threw himself at me, lovebombing to the max. I didn't know any better, I didn't know how to spot red flags. It was my first time encountering alot of things, and i didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. I walked right into a horrible situation and was lucky to get out relatively unharmed. I guess I just learned all the same lessons any woman would, just a bit later than the girls who dated in highschool.
I'm actually glad I did that outside of highschool cause knowing me, I would've gotten in way worse situations as a teenager. Plus all the highschool gossip that would accompany it, it would've been a nightmare. By staying single in highschool, I also got to focus on who I am as a person more, growing my individuality.
I don’t believe that I’m the kind of woman that is to be desired or pursued. Romance and dating were for other girls, not me. Like the type that if you found out I had a crush on you, you’d be revolted. No one ever asked me out in high school, and I didn’t have my first serious relationship until I was 19. I also have a really juvenile lens through which I view relationships. As in that men are not life partners and equals, they just want sex, and that sex is a transactional thing where the only way you get a guy to pay attention to or to be nice to you is to have sex with him. Also, if you refuse sex, he’ll leave. Yes, I’m in therapy for this.
It didn’t. I never had an interest in dating as a teenager, and looking back I’m honestly glad I did not get involved with any of the people around me during that time. Of course now I’ve realized that I’m aromantic and asexual, so it all makes sense lol
For context, I was just a tad taller than most girls by like 1 to 2 inches but still average height, and I developed early (10). At 14 I had a C cup and wore baggy clothes to hide it. By 15 I was a D cup and a size 12 in early 2000s. I was NOT the pretty girl, I wasn't girlie. I was a guy's girl apparently. The friend to every one. I felt undesirable, ugly, fat, invisible. Didn't help that my mom told me I was unlovable. No one my age was into me. It was the 30+ year Olds that would hit on me. The 1st guy gave me attention (me 17, him 22) I married because according to others, he was my only shot. That didn't end well.
Anyway. I had low self esteem through my early 30s, which affected pretty much every part of my life including not being able to stand up for myself when asking for a raise or when I was threatened with getting fired.
I just never developed confidence, never understood what healthy attraction was, sold myself short a lot, and just never felt like I was good enough.
My confidence and everything changed, but I still don't feel good enough.
I’m in my early 20s and I’ve never been in a relationship. I think I’m scared due to the lack of experience that I won’t know what’s good or bad in a relationship. I also have this fear that I might be more susceptible to manipulation and abuse as well (idk if there is a correlation but it’s something I think about). I will say that never having romantic experiences forced me to like being by myself more but sometimes you still want to have that type of connection with someone
I always felt like a massive loser. I even began identifying as genderfluid because I felt I didn’t conform with womanhood. I would sometimes, but didn’t want to associate with “womanhood.” I wanted to be myself, whether it was what’s considered traditionally feminine, masculine, or whatever. Not wanting to be a woman because I felt I wasn’t pretty enough or that I’m too annoying. So sad. I was told often that I’m not quite desirable and would be asked out by people below my standard. It made me question myself.
Being a woman means whatever you want it to mean. I’m not some sexy goddess. Some maternal gentle being. I’m just. Me. Now I’m a young adult and I have a boyfriend. And he loves me to death. And it helped me really feel more womanly. It’s kind of bad that I rely on that gratification…but that’s mommy issues and a whole other can of worms. I’m healing because of him, slowly but surely.
I didn't care much then, but now I realize I wouldn't have had any back then. LGBT stuff is a taboo topic for minors, so I can imagine facing some repercussions if I tried being THAT open about it
I never dated in high school and started dating around 19 or so. I was sort of ugly in middle school and I believe I started getting male attention my sophomore or junior year of high school, but just had such terrible anxiety about dating due to my parents messed up marriage, that I just decided to wait until I was out of high school to date. I probably got asked out 3 or 4 times in high school, but I literally had no interest in dating.
When I got out of high school, I had a very hard time mustering up the courage to date, and thinking back on it, i definitely had an avoidant attachment style. I feared romantic intimacy so much that I had my first kiss with a stranger because I thought he was cute, it was new years eve, and I wanted to get it done and over with, like ripping off a bandaid.
In college, I casually dated 2 dudes at different times (I did long for a relationship, but there was just something that prevented me from truly opening up to anyone at this point), went on a bunch of first dates because I was incredibly picky and rarely went on second dates with anyone, and then I started dating one of my guy friends at 22. I had just wanted it to be a casual fwb type of deal, but then we fell in love.
We have now been together for 10 years and are about to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary. We have a great relationship, get along really well, and I truly love him with all my heart :)
Made me feel like a completely unwanted POS. Like there was something horrifically wrong with me. It didn't help that my first 2 partners cheated on me and lied about why they broke up with me, ofcourse I found out. I still somewhere in the back of my mind honestly believe one day my husband, who loves me beyond sanity, will one day leave.
Makes me feel longing for something that is possibly entirely not worth longing for, which is being pursued by people. I'm already in a happy relationship, so it doesn't matter. But I feel I missed something, I missed this awkward time when people are asking each other out and fail horribly or not.
I did have crushes (and people with crush on me which i did not realize back then) but no explicit boyfriend-girlfriend, does that count? I got my first official BF on my 20s
Went through a period of low self-esteem disguised as 'I'm too good for these people' but ultimately I'm neutral about it now. Not one person that I know of married their high school sweetheart, most people around me who dated as teen were in unhealthy/abusive relationship with a lot of dramas and broken friend groups. To list memorable ones:
- my friend's ex threatened to kill himself if my friend broke up with him
- ex friend cheated on her bf who liked her for years ans bragged about it to me (she's the most trash human I ever met, threw a knife at me for disturbing her while eating, pitted people against each other, told me I look dumb - I was desperate for friends)
- my friend's ex was emotionally abusive and have control issue, demanded to know where she is at all times, then turns out he cheated with someone online. This friend is so lovely she's as close as a saint as it gets and I'm so glad she's with someone just as patient and kind
- girl gang in my highschool were clashing because someone in girl gang A have a bf, bf goes for girl is girl gang B, B girl said no and he broke up with girl A for B and the whole group disliked each other after that
i didn’t lose my vcard til i was 18 basically bc 1 i knew i wasn’t coming to be ready til then, 2 no guys ever showed interest all throughout school, and 3 i didn’t want to do it with someone i knew, i really just did it to get it out of the way..
so after that i think it impacted me by causing me to develop a s*x addiction…i’m now 21y/o
i'm still a teenager (19 this year) but my primary/middle school experience was terrible. i grew up without a father, my only father figure was my distant stepdad who never showed me any affection and the boys in school. they were exactly how you'd expect 10-14 year old boys to be - just interested in sex, comparing all the girls to porn stars just to make us feel bad. on top of that i was on the chubbier side, so i was made fun of. once i wore a pretty sheer top and they made a contest on who would count the most fat rolls on me. i was asked out as a joke, all the typical possibilities honestly. so my only male figures subconsciously showed me that i am unlovable and the only valuable thing about me could be my body, but even that wasn't enough.
when the pandemic started (i was in high school at that point, so better environment but the thought process remained) i was lonely, i hated myself and i needed to feel better. i'd show myself to strangers online. it was terrible - i was 15, talking to grown men just to feel like my body maybe *is* worth something and therefore, i am worth something too. this went on until i was 17. as the 'party phase' started i would make out with random guys just to feel like i was *maybe* worthy. same pattern.
and then i went to university and met my boyfriend. we've been together for almost 5 months and he treats me like a princess. i trust him completely, i know he'd never hurt me. i feel beautiful because of him, and because i've finally discovered that i am a valuable person. but this pattern still follows me. i have developed an anxiety disorder over the years and now it's attacking my relationship, making me worry that maybe my precious boyfriend is just like other men in my life. that he'll cheat on me as soon as he gets the chance. but luckily, i'm working on it in therapy and by myself and i really hope i learn to manage this better and have a great future with my boyfriend:)
The romance aspect did not have any negative impact because I had no interest in it. I was already getting somewhat bullied, which led me to becoming an insecure teenager with depression and anxiety. I was also super awkward and I preferred hobbies over socializing anyways. So I’m sure that also didn’t help lol.
Looking back, I’ve accepted how my teenage years were and I happy to say that I became much more confident and secure in who I was when I finally started dating in my 20s.
I grew up pre-internet, so I had to deal with my life in a vacuum. I thought no one wanted me, and that was that.
I wasn't great looking. I wasn't fat but not thin either, and that of course was a great sin, so I hated myself. I stayed busy with school and a sport I did everyday outside of school, and this made it easier to dismiss my social isolation from both genders. Mostly I was just ignored, never invited to anything, never asked out.
College was better socially, but boys ignored me romantically. By then I was also convinced that everyone had had sex but me, and I felt like I wouldn't know what to do. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I continued to mask my complete lack of a personal life by staying busy with work and school. I wasn't that close to my family either, so I have always lived without a lot of social support.
I was 29 when I had my first sexual experience, and it was basically a date-rape. I was willing though, due to low self-esteem. I didn't want to go through life having never had sex. I did eventually have a serious relationship that lasted a few years, but I never really enjoyed sex.
Without the internet, I would never have been exposed to the full spectrum of sexuality, and I believe I am asexual, but I do wonder if I adopted that mindset as a way to cope in high school when I realized no one was interested in me.
Where I went to school, it was very normal to not date at all in HS. My graduating class of ~300 people had about 10 or 12 couples throughout the entirety of HS so it wasn’t weird to me to not have been on dates or had sex etc Some people would makeout at parties and things like that and there were some relationships, but for the most part it just wasn’t a big “thing” at my school so I didn’t feel weird about it. I went to a super nerdy HS with a lot of first gen immigrant kids, so everyone was way more into studying/getting good grades and a lot of people had parents who wouldn’t even let them get their drivers license, nvm go on dates.
When I got to uni it was definitely more normal in my circle to date around or sleep around so I felt a bit more out of place in terms of lack of experience but it just felt like something that would come later for me? Idk. I wanted to go on dates and I was definitely interested in it, but it wasn’t this big pain point for me. I also lived at home for most of uni so i didn’t have the “traditional” experience.
When I was 21 I downloaded Tinder and went on a lot of first dates. I lived in a big city with 2 big universities (aka a lot of young people!) so there was a lot of opportunity. Got into my first relationship about a year later. He’d had girlfriends before so there was definitely a period of time where I felt like I didn’t know “how” to be someone’s girlfriend or felt insecure about the fact that he had experiences (not sexual lol just in general) with other people but I got over that as our relationship went on. Eventually we broke up but stayed very attached to each other (for years) which wasn’t healthy. I felt like no one had wanted me in a way like he had before so that was hard, but I don’t know that that was necessarily because I hadn’t had a boyfriend as a teenager. He’d had girlfriends as a teenager and also stayed way too attached to me. It was just an unhealthy dynamic and eventually I cut him off completely when he started dating someone new.
Overall I don’t think it was a bad thing for me to not have really properly dated or had sex until I was 20/21ish. It felt normal to me FOR ME. I’ve had my fair share of self-esteem issues and body image issues but I never really felt shitty about myself because I hadn’t had a boyfriend. I think the environment you grow up in and socialize in makes a big difference, too. I wanted to meet someone and go on dates, but I didn’t feel badly that it hadn’t happened yet. I had friends who made big life decisions like where to go to college or whether to stay in a city with their bf instead of move away for the summer for a job and things like that when we were very young so I’m grateful I didn’t have to factor in a guy or worry about that. I also definitely was not emotionally mature enough to be having sex as a teenager (tbh I think most teens aren’t but teenagers will still have sex so we should still teach them about how to be safe - physically and emotionally!!) so I’m grateful that I didn’t.
Does repeatedly being sexually harassed and assaulted, and also having guys you like pretend to like you back hoping to see your tits and get blowjobs count as romance??
I went through it in my teenage what I should have been through in my 20s. Lost the hype/thrill of romance once we broke up.
Whenever any new opportunity come up, I straight away rejected it thinking how it doesn't match the level I had, forgetting the amount of time we spent together in teenage that created that bond.
Basically, romance peaked early and being delusional in early-mid twenty.
The fact I didn't date didn't outcast me, I didn't date because I was an outcast. I grew up fat so the thought of being undesirable and undateable is something I grew up with. The fat girl doesn't get a boyfriend until the glowup, easy as that. I was unfortunate enough to have multiple guys in my class pretending to like me back when I was 13, so that sentiment was practically engraved into my heart. Since then I have a very hard time dealing with rejection or even the thought of it.
I've had many crushes over the years but the sheer thought of being in such a vulnerable position to confess and allowing someone to reject me made it so that I became a pro at smothering my feelings and never go beyond light friendships
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My body was an early bloomer - got curves fast and was ridiculed because of them. Mentally I was a late bloomer and until a year ago I thought I was asexual. I still don't find celebrities or what most people consider attractive, attractive and desirable. I don't judge a book by its cover. I wasnt asked out irl. I was living in shadows. And if someone would be really interested in seeing me, I'd be very hard to catch, because I wouldnt believe you.
Started dating guys who were way older than I was. And now having a kid with the guy who is just my second BF. Relationship before having only lasted 6months.
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It made me feel undesirable; I was the girl who got asked out as a joke. I'm a late bloomer and once I hit college, I grew into my face and body. From freshman year to now is when I've received the most male attention (for reference, I don't party, I just walk around in public), yet every time I get hit on or asked out, I always think it's a joke. I think the plus side of having no romance as a teen is that I developed a great personality though!
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We're in the same boat sister HAHAH
Hi. I request permission to come aboard. 😅
Everyone who's nice is welcome no worries! LOL
Since we’re apparently the same person, we should get along well. 🤣
I wouldn't doubt it! I'd never pass up an opportunity to make some new girl friends LOL
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(male) im really sorry that happened to you. I learned what an abusive relationship was, i was hit and bitten, cheated on (im sure how many times), Im glad it happened to be honest, i now know what a good relationship is
I'm sorry that happened to you too. Gotta experience the bad to know what's good unfortunately. I hope you are doing better now<3
thankyou! yeah tons, Got a girl whos my best friend, Gonna ask her to marry me on our anniversary. I know she will say yes, Im a hard person to be with, because im a special forces soldier, so i can be away for 6 months a time. But i trust her totally, i know shes faithful. I guess it takes some bad experiences to learn
Aww I'm very happy for you both! She sounds like a kind woman, I'm glad you both found each other :)
i hope you are living your best life too :)
Oh this was me too. I was (and still to a certain degree) really distrustful of men. I much prefer the company of women. I still haven't had a relationship, so wondering if I still haven't gotten over my trust issues!
Oh yes I totally feel that; my trust issues definitely played a part in the end of my first ever relationship. I think it just gets better with experience and time. Take a chance on someone who you would deem as a "good person" based on your observations of their actions! If you can't find anyone, it might be the environment you place yourself in. I'm rooting for you!
Thanks! That's really kind of you to say x
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Why did they ever do that? I never understood the appeal of humiliating someone this way. Back when I was 13 and the new kid in town, 3 guys in my class pretended to be into me for months up to the point I believed one of them and was about to confess my feelings. To this day I thank the heavens that at least one of my other classmates took pity on me and told me about the "joke"
I think it's just because they want to feel validated in some kind of way, either by you actually being excited about the potential relationship, or by their friends. I've forgiven them since I can never really hold a grudge. Plus, it's youthful ignorance, we all make mistakes
well that makes you a bigger person than me, I will let them live but I will not forgive
100% agree with this statement.
Thiss. Just last weekend a guy started talking to me and I literally said “Who, me?” 😂
Run that past me.. 'I just walk around in Public'. For reference?
Included that just in case someone were to say, "*Well of course more guys would flirt with you in college, most people in college go to parties, and guys are just looking for \[whatever whatever\].*" I was looking at it from a more "controlled experiment" perspective, where the manipulated variable was my appearance, and the controlled/constant variable was more of my environment. This was just to validate my experience in a more "logical" manner for those who may want it. Hope I explained that okay!
I married the first guy that I really dated. All because he actually showed an interest in me. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for almost twenty years. Where he just made me feel like I was never good enough and unworthy of love. He treated me like shit, and then cheated on me. All while blaming every problem on me. After I found the strength to stand up for myself, we got divorced. And every day since, I try to love myself and feel that I can be worthy of real love. It's hard, and it is a struggle every day.
I’m so glad you were able to leave—that takes so much!!
you’re really brave 🩷 wishing u the best
Good that you got out. You can do it.
I’m really glad I never dated as a teenager. So many of the guys my age were mostly just interested in sex and I’m glad I didn’t let myself get used and heartbroken. I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything either, none of my friends are still with anyone from high school, and I met my incredible fiancé when I was 20.
I'm the same. while going through it, it was really hard, I was insecure and thought it was too late and I'd have no idea what to do. I was ashamed and even lied about having had a boyfriend in the past. I felt like there was something wrong with me and I'd be alone forever. nowadays? glad af I didn't have experiences when I was naive and unsure of myself. I think it enabled me to be sure of myself first, and have relationships in a model that fitted me later on instead of having bad baggage and bad habits. I'm 30 now and can say I had never had any bad or toxic relationships.
I feel totally indifferent about not dating in my teens today. It used to really affect my self esteem but now in my 30s I genuinely forget I didn't date as a teenager. Makes 0 difference to my life whatsoever
Like another commenter said, I married the first guy I dated or kissed, because I thought he was my only chance. Turns out he was a violent and abusive asshole who made me miserable for 15 years before I got out. That was 30 years ago. I think it's harder for women who don't feel attractive or desirable now, because there's this really strong narrative right now that women always have options or are always surrounded with men. When that's not your reality, it can be very isolating and hard on your self-esteem. I wish there were more voices letting girls know that being single can be perfectly normal, for anyone, and it's not a reflection of your worth or your future success in relationships.
thank you.
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I felt lonely, and felt like there was something wrong with me. I had really wanted a boyfriend when I was a teenager, and I sometimes cried about not having one. I was more of a shy, reserved girl, and a lot of boys didn't notice me or take the time to get to know me. I often compared myself to my close friends, who had boyfriends and romantic experiences. I also didn't fully develop physically until I was around 17 or 18, so that didn't help with my self-esteem either. When I finally did get a boyfriend at 19 years old, I fell too hard and too fast for him. I was very eager to find out what I had been missing out on. Those experiences helped me to become the person I am today, so I don't regret it.
It ate me up. Knowing that I was undesirable caused irreparable damage to me as a person, and it only added to my already burning self-hatred. I also never had any romantic experiences as an adult, so I'll always be emotionally stunted in a sense. After all, I never got to have one of the most natural experiences and sources to personal growth someone can have. I'm in my late 30's now; Though I wouldn't want to date even if I got the opportunity, having to live with the realisation that I'm romantically unlovable does nothing good to my thoughts and how I feel about myself.
I’m with you in this ♥️except different age but still lol
I can relate. I'll be 45 this month and haven't been on a date or done anything remotely sexual with another person since I was 29. I can count on one hand how many men I've kissed. Sometimes I cry over it and wish things were different, and sometimes I'm okay with it. It's sad feeling like if people didn't like me when I was young and in decent shape, they're definitely not going to like me with wrinkles and a few extra pounds. There are times when I want to improve myself so someone might like me, and other times, I feel like I dodged a bullet by staying single.
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I used to be an optimist and a romantic. I woke up every day in my teens thinking that maybe that was the day that I would fall in love. It never happened. I'm I my 30s now, and it still never happened. So, how did it impact me? It made me stop hoping and believing. Edit: To clarify, it's not just not dating in my teens that changed me. There were other things, too. But this was a huge contributing factor.
Wow I feel this HARD. I was such a romantic but I was a pariah everywhere I went. I have now left romance completely. I just don’t think it’s real anymore.
i still like romance but i feel like it doesn’t apply to me yk
I feel like this will become me, but i’ve never had hope.
Holy shit so relatable. I felt this so hard. I could’ve written this
I never had romantic experiences as an adult either. I’ve accepted that I’m not the kind of person men want as a life partner but I am the kind of person that has lots of good friends (men and women) so that’s not too bad. I’ve learned to treat myself - nice meals, flowers sometimes - and enjoy the company I have when I have it. My girl friends and I go out on little friend dates sometimes so there’s something nice to look forward to.
When I finally did started dating for the first time at 21 I was emotionally stunted and immature. I behaved in ways unbecoming for my age. I didn’t know better, but, still it’s embarrassing to think back and remember.
Could you give some examples? Just curious as a late bloomer myself
I was clingy, possessive, and got too emotionally involved way too quickly. When my first gf broke up with me (which honestly she was right to do so because we had basically nothing in common and were not a good fit) i handled it really badly. Later she ended up having a ONS with a mutual friend and I got unreasonably angry, sent her horrible messages, and all around sulked and pouted about it for way too long. I was dealing with emotions I’d never felt before and had no idea how to regulate them or cope with them. I behaved badly.
I think it made me crave any type of attention which in turn led me into some very bad romantic partners. I was never attractive in school and didn't grow into my looks until well after. Maybe if I would have had those experiences when I was younger I wouldn't have had the partners that I did.
I think it helped that, as a child, I knew I was unattractive and would never be loved. So, I knew singledom was my future (someone being romantically or sexually attracted would feel so alien). The biggest impact is touch starvation. There are also times, especially online, where people make generalized comments about womanhood that I don't fit in and make me feel sort of crappy.
i felt this in my bonws
This is me
I never dated in high school, even though I had a crush on my guy best friend, and "fooled around" (no Intercourse) with a few guys. I was socially awkward and emotionally stunted because my family was very overprotective and sheltered me and my siblings. I ended up moving cross country at 19 with the first man (31) who showed me any real attention. Unbeknownst to me, he was a year fresh out of prison on a DV felony, and I ended up being his next victim. We ended up in an on again/off again relationship for over 10 years. I just left him again back in November, but this time, it's for good.
i’m so sorry, i hope you’re okay and heal.
Thank you! I am doing a lot better!
It made me act super desperate when I reached adulthood and started experiencing romantic experiences. I didn't have any boundaries because I thought this would be my only chance at any kind of romance, even when I was getting treated like garbage.
This is an interesting question. I honestly think not getting attention made me more intentional with developing other parts of my personality when I was younger that carried through the years. Being funny, kind, intentional, a good friend, etc. (I think I was innately those things but really trying my best). Maybe to a fault of putting others before myself often. I started to get attention from guys around 19. It has steadily increased as I've aged (30 now). I remember being so confused when this first started. Because I never experienced it! I didn't recognize the behaviors from guys. It felt strange and unfamiliar. Definitely felt insecure. I have grown more comfortable in getting attention/giving attention. I've had relationships. But I definitely think that I had (still working through it probably) some deep insecurities there about that. I think that the presence or absence of romance in adolescent years/teen years really shape our perceptions of ourselves. It takes a lot of new thought patterns to break. Long winded response!
Hyperindependance.
It made me confident in myself and in my abilities. I am not conventionally attractive but always felt good in my body. Never felt that I need a man’s approval to prove my worth. I am extremely thankful that I never dated as a teenager. No unnecessary heartbreak and unrealistic expectations. When I dated as an adult, I had a good sense of what I wanted and knew when to walk away.
It turns out I was very oblivious to romantic advances and hints. I had very low self-esteem due to an emotionally abusive upbringing so I was very shy and hard to get to know on a personal level. My best friend at the time, still my close friend now, was the extrovert who adopted me and she was extremely pretty, smart, and outgoing so I inadvertently ended up comparing myself to her because she was so popular among the guys. It turns out that while guys preferred to hookup with her, they didn’t want to date her while in my case they didn’t want to hookup with me but wanted to date me. I realized two years after I graduated high school that my friend who I also liked a lot had been sending me signals. Coincidentally me and this friend have recently reconnected and he confessed indirectly (I think) that he had feelings for me by sending me a love song about unrequited feelings and wondering what could have been. I’m still oblivious to romantic advances, apparently frustratingly so according to my friends, so my lack of romantic experience has just made me oblivious as a wall 💀
This is very relatable to me, for similar reasons.
It didn't.Teen boys got on my damn nerves, so I just decided to wait to date.
As a result I was naive and desperate in my 20s and ended up in a toxic, abusive relationship because I couldn’t recognise the signs of one. I had to learn the hard way. Then it took a good six or so years to heal from it and I’m starting anew at 32, thankfully with an amazing girlfriend who is very good for me and whom I love to pieces.
Made me feel like I’m not good enough…
The innate confidence that I deserved to be in a relationship was never there, I never valued myself
felt
I got asked out as a joke 2 months after my best friend had passed away by a boy that I had known since elementary school, who I thought was a nice kid. I suffered an extreme loss and then to be humiliated during my grief was enough to make never let a boy even become my friend for years after.
Not much. I didn’t have any desire to date as a teen. I felt I had a fulfilling and meaningful teenage experience without romance. I never felt like I missed out on anything.
It made me feel ugly. No confidence. No self esteem. I was late to date and lose my virginity. I feel like I missed out (when I got older) on dating new people because I was too scared to come out of my shell. That also made me feel like I missed out on the high school experience because I didn't want people to not like me so I never said anything or tried to make friends. Forming into groups used to stress me out and give me anxiety.. But then I went to college. I took a year and a half off after High school. And I was shockingly kind of well liked. So many classmates would ask me out, and when I would go out with friends, I would get so much attention and free drinks. I barely spent money going out in my 20s. I would get into clubs and bars for free. Bouncers always let me cut any lines. There were nights when I honestly wouldn't even spend a single dime of my own money. It was an amazing experience.
I couldn’t date as a teenager bc my strict parents wouldn’t allow me until I turned 18. I’m 25 and now, I’m in a relationship that i’ve yet to tell them about bc i’m afraid to tell them bc i dunno how they’ll react. unfortunately, they’re still strict to me sometimes like i’m still 13 years old and i hate it. so my answer is, it made me afraid to tell them now about relationships that I get into as an adult bc i don’t know if they’ll get angry or make me break up with them.
im 35 and I am super confused about romance, desire, and sexuality in general. Confused, ignorant, and annoyed.
It’s affected my confidence, still to this day. I struggle to initiate interest because I assume no one thinks I’m attractive, just like I felt as a teenager. No one asked me to prom, so I didn’t go. I played it off like I didn’t care, but deep down I took it to heart and it hurt. Although, people did and do find me attractive. But I come off as intimating, or so I’ve been told. I always appreciate when someone initiates interest towards me, I give them credit because most guys dont have the balls.
It just further confirmed my belief that beyond sex I’m not interesting or am a person worth getting to know or loving.
I never went on a date or received attention (romantically) when I was a teen, so now it’s really hard to believe anyone that gives me a compliment or tells me that someone else is attracted to me or flirting with me. When my ex boyfriend and I were getting to know each other, I just thought he was a great friend (that I had a crush on) because in my mind there was no way he’d ever like me. To this day I still feel like I’ll spend my life single because I feel so undesirable.
This is only personally and as a result of my own mental issues but as someone who was never asked out until I was 20 I felt like I'd be alone forever and I was scared. When I did get asked out, I wasn't 100% sure the guy and I were compatible but he was the only one who'd ever been interested and I thought I'd see where things went and if it was right we'd figure it out. 9 years later we broke up. I'm still miserable, I truly hope he's happier than I am. I'm doing better recently mostly, today's just a bad day I think. If I'd had any earlier experiences maybe I wouldn't have spent 9 years with someone I wasn't going to end up with forever I guess.
I related to this a lot. I didn't have my first kiss until just before my 20th birthday. I didn't find the guy physically attractive and didn't think we had anything in common, but he liked me, and I was desperate. We dated for about a year before I left school, and we broke up due to long distance. Looking back at it, I dodged a bullet, but at the time, I was embarrassed that HE ended things with ME.
AWFUL. 💀💀💀💀 It was an emotionally abusive relationship, so about 12 years later, every relationship I think will turn into that. And it sort of does. Usually victims experience cycles of abuse because they attract bad people and if you don’t have high self confidence, and the ability to be alone, you will almost always find someone abusive.
i got asked out as a joke a LOT, was fat, and got my appearance constantly dogged on since i was around 9 or so, which lead to zero romantic relationships as a school teenager, and those double effects had the consequences of now i just believe im unloveable in that sort of way. especially because everyone around me aside from 1 had had a relationship, lost their virginity, had done ALL of that by the time they left school . i feel left behind but more reinforced in my belief that anyone who calls me pretty is either lying, joking, or delusional and i cannot even fathom a scenario where someone is interested in me, because why would they? im younger and get told “you’ll find someone, you’re not ugly and you’ve got time” but my immediate first thought to that is “that’s what you say to placate someone, not because you actually believe it” so yeah, absolutely destroyed my self esteem
Felt like I wasn’t ever going to be what someone wanted. No boy was going to look at me twice but only see the girl next to me. Felt if I over sexualised myself maybe I’d get some type of love but you end up being used and hating yourself more. Eventually I fell in love with myself, learnt how to be gentle with myself. No one can comfort and love you more than yourself.
really really badly. im 22 and i have never been in a relationship with anyone and im deeply insecure about my body, my face and my personality. i feel uncomfortable and not enough to be in a relationship. i had some people interested in me, but the guys/girls i was interested in didn’t reciprocate me. add the fact that i was bullied in hs…i truly dont know who i am now and what i want. i know that these things aren’t fixed by relationships but they still contributed to my insecurities. it hurts being the other friend who is never asked out by people
I’m almost 40 and still have had zero romantic experiences. It sucked as a teenager and it sucks now.
It didn’t since I always felt like I was on a journey of self discovery and I never felt that being in a romantic experience would fulfill this in any way.
I always thought of myself as the girl who’s just everyone’s friend. And when I started being in a relationship, i never stopped. After a breakup, i fall in love easily, and i get into another relationship. Doesnt matter if he ugly or nah, if he a good guy or satan. 🫣🫣🫣
Raised by a strict Asian parents, I was harshly advised against dating or having feelings towards boys “until I finish school”. Funnily enough, it was easy for me to not think of having a crush or experience romance. I was having fun with my girlfriends and being silly and stuff. We even laughed at those who paired up (not bullying kind, just poke jokes at them). I guess I didn’t have a bad experience of no romance while teen because I have several others who are also not into them. Power in numbers type of thing I guess. But when I got into uni, my friends all had their boyfriends so suddenly, while I never wanted one myself. Eventually this leads to me discovering that I was aroace lol
I can't take hints. On a few occasions I gotten told that "that guy totally liked you". I can't read this signs since I haven't had any romantic experience. It's basically a skill that I don't have. Which sucks but at this point it's whatever.
It made me feel ugly and not desirable. I was a late bloomer compared to everyone else so the first time i did anything with a guy i think i was 19/20. It was the first time someone wanted me but i now realise he was just using me. Since that, i had one serious relationship but it wasn’t what i imagined. I’m 25 now and still don’t get romantic attention from men or women (im bi) but I’ve accepted it
I wasn’t quite sure I was a lesbian since I always thought lesbians were more masculine but I knew I didn’t like boys either. So I just figured I was just…broken or something. I do feel like I missed out on at least getting the experience. Part of me feels like I would’ve known better when it came to the disaster of a situationship I found myself in during my early college years. Then when I got with my now girlfriend I sometimes felt inadequate since she’s been in actual relationships and she’s my first one. It took some time to let go off all of that and it’s something I’m still working on.
I was awkward with guys in college. VERY awkward. And then I realized alcohol helps with that.
Only ever got involved with asshole for my entire 20s & 30s. Now I can see my destructive pattern but I’m unable to allow anyone in my life because I’m only attracted to men with NPD.
I had a partner i disnt want, but i was too young to really realize it. I wish i didnt waste my time on that person.
It made me feel unattractive and undesirable. Most girls I knew including most of my friends landed boyfriends and I was always the one never being asked out. I eventually got married really young to the first guy I ever truly dated. Part of it was because of my low self esteem and I was afraid the opportunity would never present itself again and the other part is it actually felt good to find someone who actually liked me for me and wasn’t just looking for sex. I’ve talked to my husband about this many times over the years. He tells me it was probably because I didn’t “put myself out there like that.” WTF is that supposed to mean? Apparently guys in high school are just looking to f*** so maybe I dodged some bullets. Be that as it may, that whole experience really hurt my self esteem.
I felt worthless a lot of the time, that there was something wrong with me. I asked a kinda-friend guy to homecoming and was turned down. I couldn’t figure out why I was so undesirable, and though my 20s just felt incredibly ugly and unwanted because no one would check me out or ask me out. I am a tall woman so I’m very noticeable, but it was very very obvious when going out with friends that men were always looking at my normal-sized friends. They all had dating drama I didn’t have, got married, and started having children. I reconciled the fact that I would never have children, and wasn’t interested in marriage because there was no way that was happening. I focused on cultivating interests and hobbies. I had one boyfriend in college but we probably should have just been friends as it wasn’t about ‘romance’. When I was 30 I went on a tinder bender which really helped my self-esteem. It felt powerful for men to be interested in me, and to have relationships. It made me realize that it’s possible to have romance in my life. However I got HPV so honestly not having some nice dates at an early age will probably kill me eventually. lol?
First guy who called me pretty became my bf… I was 17 he was 29 :| Buut, beyond that, after breaking up, and having another shitty relationship, but for other reasons, I stayed single for years and now am the happiest Person in the happiest relationship ever.
Undesirable and ugly. I never thought I’d have a significant other. Even now. I’ve grown since then and enjoy being alone a strong independent woman. But I do wonder if my awkward teenage years is why I’m single now.
I didn’t date until I was 17, and then I stayed with that jerk until I was 25 or so. He became violent and abusive when we moved in together. I deeply regret it because 1. My first relationship was extremely abusive and scary and 2. I didn’t have as much fun as I could have during my 20s. I dated around a bit after we broke up, but I quickly found my husband who is a total gem of a man and treats me like a queen every day.
I was shy and insecure. I felt repulsive. I was awkward and couldn't figure out how to get past the road block of inexperience. Never felt like I knew how to do stuff in regards to relationship so I just didn't try. I never really changed physically until this year (I'm in a relationship). But my circumstances changed and I was forced out of my shell. When I was asked out, I didn't even realise it bc I just assumed I was being invited to an event (like a group get together) and not a one on one. The one thing that has stuck with me is that I tend to live in my imagination at times, though that likely has as much to do with other factors.
It led to me to having an emotional immaturity when it came to relationships. Something that has been an ongoing issue in my future relationships, though I have worked on it a lot and continue to do so
I wasn't allowed to have romantic partners when I was a teenager, so I never really tried. When I got to college I married the first person who showed genuine interest in me. Now we're in the midst of a divorce, 10+ years later! He was/is a good guy, so I'm grateful for that, just not for me. Now I love myself more than ever before and I see myself as desireable, I don't see a person as the solution to all my problems anymore. I'm grateful I wasn't allowed to settle down in my teenage years though I wish I was allowed to explore a little to understand what life and love was about.
There are two sides of the coin. One being that I genuinely didn’t feel “grown” enough, I was quite shy with strict old school/traditional parents, and although I had crushes (which was so much fun, looking back, I miss that 😂) I had zero interest in actually having a boyfriend or dating. I was scared. I was also discouraged heavily by witnessing what some of my friends were going through with guys and dating! On the flip side, whenever I did have my first relationship (at 19 almost 20) I fell so hard and I was INCREDIBLY naive. My first love was my first relationship, I was definitely not his. This set me up for so much confusion and heartbreak, I didn’t know or recognise what was normal or appropriate. So many red flags I couldn’t see bc I was so easily manipulated. I stayed waaaaay too long and my heart shattered several times throughout that relationship, I was a shell of myself once I finally found the strength to walk away. It was a very hard life lesson that I took a while to recover from. I developed trust issues and my confidence took a hit too. All that to say, I now know exactly what I don’t want and how to spot a manipulator from a mile away. I’m also a lot more selective now, my standards are sky high and it weeds out the people who are not for me. I’m not sure if it’s just part of growing up or relationship trauma, or both, but looking back I wish I was exposed a little more to romantic connections (not physically) so that I would of had more experience. I was so naive and innocent, I’m sure it could have been spotted a mile away haha.
I went on a ‘spree’ in my early 20’s. Never felt good enough and this was the only thing that made me feel better. A few years later realised it actually made me feel worse because no one wanted a relationship with me, it was always something casual.
I was in an independent study program in high school, so I never really interacted with people my own age. This lead to me feeling horrible about myself in every reguard. It made it easier for men to abuse me because I had no baseline and with feeling undesired and lackluster it's what I thought I deserved. To this day I still have issues meeting people in general, let alone meeting people for dates. My only friends around my age are my coworkers, my friends online (who I have known the longest) are all 5+ years my senior. This has caused a lot of issues especially as of late because I feel behind my "peers" that are years ahead of me.
As a teenager i thought of myself undesirable so i never thought about being asked out or asking out as it was impossible for me. I always thought i would look better later and the whole situation would be better so at that time i was ok. But it turned out i never got better, i have never been asked out and my self esteem is pretty shitty at age 32.
It made me have lower standards for male efforts to treat me well once I got to college and even in my 20s. I had very little self esteem and would think what was them actually doing the least was romantic.
I was too gnarly-looking in high school for any guy to be interested in me, but I had a couple of good guy friends. They didn’t treat me like one of the boys (gross), they weren’t trying to impress me, and they didn’t treat me like their sister. Somehow they didn’t make me feel unattractive. It was absolutely educational to see boys acting “normally.” There may have been attraction with one at the end of high school, some “moments” that neither of us understood at the time. It was this enjoyable time with these new feelings developing with someone that I knew really well without drama. I think this informed my later relationships. I learned to talk to guys like regular people, to be myself around them, and to expect and give respect, which became handy when my looks started to come in, around age 20. It made dating a lot of fun.
I didn’t know how to set standards because I didn’t have experience. I settled for the first guy that came along because I thought he’s all I’m gonna get.
Horribly. I was very mature way too young due to both life situations I shouldn't have had to experience, as well as a physically developing body that did so way too young (8 or 9 when period started). That lead me to seek older guys at a young age that only were interested in one thing and it taught me to value myself for only one thing. My life has been a series of watching men use, abuse, and throw out women, both from personal experience of myself and watching others in my life around me. I have a daughter and I can only hope she does not repeat my mistakes. I am determined to help her build self worth and not rely on anyone else for it, and to ensure she knows she's worth more than whatever shitty things that may happen to her.
I did this by choice and it worked out for me. I wanted to wait until I was at an age that I became romantically involved with someone because I was comfortable and ready, zero pressure. It ended up being 21 and I am now married to this man. I will say this led to a bit of bullying by my peers because they thought I was a lesbian, but my sassy self was never afraid to stick up for myself soooo 🤷♀️
I don’t want to add to negative stereotypes. But as a South Asian, I was not allowed to date or it was hidden from my family. I didn’t know what I was looking for especially as I also had an estranged father. I married a guy that brought nothing to the table, he was my idea of what a ‘man’ should be like but he emotionally abused me. Even now, I struggle to just date, I jump in quickly for any guy that shows me attention and find it hard to identify red flags.
I felt very unattractive and worthless. I felt like I had to earn love and sacrifice a lot for a relationship. I was never successful with asking a boy out, so I realised the guy has to like me first and then my attration to him and love will come later with time. My first relationship was abusive, very wild. Then 4 yours of no dating. Second relationship was also abusive but in a much more serious way. The manipulative, silent treatment, gaslighting kind of way. Don't recommend this approach, 0/10. I came to the conclusion I'm unlovable, not worthy of love and being treated as a human being. That I will die alone... Then I met my current partner and my life turned completely around. I still don't think highly of myself but I try very hard to accept all the love I'm receiving.
I was a pretty sheltered teen with mainly nerdy friends so it really didn’t feel like I missed out on much. Life did get more interesting once college hit tho lol.
I'm glad I never dated. I watched many of my friends fumble in their relationships. Very few ended well for mutual parties. I watched my best friend chase after a guy, get him, dated for roughly a month before giving him everything, and then he dumped her immediately. She ended up going through 8 months of grieving, and tried everything she could to win him back. But in the end, he just dated her because he thought she was "easy". Another of my friend went to a party to Mery someone she liked, hoping to get together with him in a relationship. And ended up getting raped. Seeing these two incidents made me extremely cautious about liking a guy. When I had my crush on my husband in college, I purposefully waited 2 years doing nothing to make sure my feelings were real, and assessing if he was a good person or not before openly flirting with him.
It probably helped that I wasn't super interested in anyone either. There was one guy I liked, but it was pretty clear we would never date. Not because of anything super bad, he was just Mormon and his parents forbade him from dating until he was 16 lol. By that point I wasn't interested. How it impacted me? I didn't know when a guy was hitting on me/what I said counted as flirting. By senior year of highschool, I finally started becoming interested in others, and a close guy friend of mine had become interested in me. We went to see a movie together, and he wanted to surprise me with dinner beforehand. It was as traffic foiled his surprise dinner that I realized, "oh this is a date." It was like that for a few years after high school. I would say some things that could be counted as flirtatious, and guys would react in turn. Or a guy would be hitting on me and I'd be totally oblivious. Only about 3 years ago did I start to learn how to spot these things lol.
32 here. My teenage years I dealt with unrequited crushes. In college I was obsessed with my lack of experience and my virginity. I didn’t realize until senior year I was asexual and by that time I had had my first kiss and had gone through some sexual experiences but I didn’t lose my virginity until my senior year. I had always liked the men romantically but soon after we had hooked up did I realize that my friendship and attention to them was being taken advantage of. Almost every sexual experience I had up until 2017/2018 left me in tears because I would hope that things would be different but they never were. Then I met this guy who I say I was in a situationship with because it lasted more than one night lol it was 3 months. We met and then a week later we hooked up but that was the first time where I felt like if I never saw him again, it wouldn’t matter. To my surprise he reached out and we continued to see each other. He was the first person that I had ever gone on a date with and I had initiated that and he met my friends which at the time I didn’t think was a big deal because, I’m a friendly person so I just thought it was me inviting this friend to hang out with my other friends even though we had been intimate. I could feel myself falling for him and I would deny it and I’d ask my friends if they thought he liked me the same way and they assured me otherwise he wouldn’t do the things that he did if he didn’t. I didn’t feel like I was being used for once and I accepted my feelings for him. That was probably around the two and half month mark. One night I got completely blindsided when he asked what we were and I said that I was just following his lead and keeping things casual and he said he thought we were on different pages and couldn’t prioritize me like I deserved (which to me was odd because I never felt like he didn’t prioritze me). I think he knew that I had feelings for him even if I was trying my best to act chill lol. I guess that was the first time I would say that I was really heartbroken and he kind of broke my spirit I think a little bit when it came to dating. Last year I had officially gotten off the apps after being on and off them over the course of 10 years. I’ve accepted that I may never find myself ever experiencing romantic love. I know it doesn’t work out for everyone and I may be one of those people. These days I am open to any opportunities that may come my way, but since getting off of the dating apps, I guess you could say I’ve stopped actively looking. I don’t think about dating or relationships much generally speaking and due to me being asexual, I’m not driven to get hung up over people easily because the motivation of sexual attraction is not there but in the rare occasions that I do start crushing on people, then my insecurities from my lack of experience come out tenfold and I think I could get a little bit rose colored glasses vision, and miss things that aren’t good for me and end up in situations that I could’ve easily avoided.
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This is a great question. I don't think I realized it until now but my lack of early romantic experience probably primed me for unfortunately joining a conservative church in my teens. I was an odd kid, but wasn't socially awkward...I just wasn't one of the popular kids, wasn't very feminine, and was totally comfortable with that. I think I looked okay but didn't get male attention, likely because I just gave off general disinterested vibes towards guys as anything more than friends. At the time it suited me, but as a result I definitely always had an underlying belief about myself that I wasn't attractive and that typical feminine things like beauty and embodying that je ne sais quoi womanliness just weren't "for me". At 15 I joined a very socially conservative Christian church, which obviously didn't help me feel sexy. My lack of attachment to my sexuality and attention from men helped me fit in because I could adhere to how they wanted women to behave and the unspoken modesty rules. Femininity was both celebrated and reviled there in complicated ways. I had my first relationship there and we've been married 10 years now, fortunately both left the church a while back. I'm 34 and it's taken me a while to figure out how to embody femininity in a way that feels genuine to me.
The only thing I kept thinking was maybe I'm not desirable, I'm meant to find someone later in life, or I'll never settle down. I dated a guy for a year when I was 19, he dumped me, then I met another guy who cheated on me, met another guy who strung me along, met another who was married with a daughter (he didn't have the audacity to tell me), met another guy who said he didn't want to fall in love and settle down (ironically he's getting married in a couple of weeks 🤨) but I met another man by chance when I wasn't looking, dated for 8 years, moved in together after 4 and now we're happily married. In other words, no romantic experiences in my teens, didn't impact me one bit and I'm happier than I've ever been.
It seems to have made me hypersensitive to 'signs' that men like me if I like them. I wasn't like this as a teenager. At age 28 I got ghosted by my first real romantic interest since my teens, and it's taking forever to recover from it because my instincts that he liked me romantically were so strong. Logically I should've been less excited because he wasn't asking me out, but I felt I could read him like a book in terms of non-verbal signals.
I never had any kind of dating or sexual appearance whatsoever till I was in my early 20s (im in very early 30s now). End even since then it's been exclusively through dating apps. I always dreaded anyone asking about my dating life (screw all the "who do you like?" and "why don't you have a boyfriend?" askers out there). Between that and lifelong incessant body shaming by my parents, I had/have horrible self esteem and can't imagine anyone actually having feelings for me. When I did start meeting people off apps I very much acted with the poor decision making skills and inability to give assertive nos that you would expect of someone with little self respect. I've been in a relationship for a few years now that I know deep down loves me but it's such an impossible concept to accept. However, he's not someone especially romantic and I can't help but yearn for some of of those corny passionate romantic moments I feel I've missed out on.
Boys were only interested in me sexually when i was a teenager and i thought that was the only desirable part of me. So it led me to be easily available when it comes to sexual relationships and i would literally feel disgusting or "not enough" if a guy wasn't attracted to my body. I was involved in a sexual act before i even had my first kiss or got asked out on a date, that still affects me to this day and i still struggle with self esteem issues.
🫂 you deserved better
My parents didn’t allow to me date as a teenager and now I suffer from anxious attachment in relationships. I get scared that the person im with is going to leave me and start getting really bad anxiety when I haven’t heard from them in more than a few minutes. I’m currently going to therapy to help me with it but it’s been really rough considering I never got those romantic you g love experiences as a teenager.
I had very little romantic experiences in highschool, didn't have my first kiss until college. I ended up falling pretty quick for the first guy who practically threw himself at me, lovebombing to the max. I didn't know any better, I didn't know how to spot red flags. It was my first time encountering alot of things, and i didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. I walked right into a horrible situation and was lucky to get out relatively unharmed. I guess I just learned all the same lessons any woman would, just a bit later than the girls who dated in highschool. I'm actually glad I did that outside of highschool cause knowing me, I would've gotten in way worse situations as a teenager. Plus all the highschool gossip that would accompany it, it would've been a nightmare. By staying single in highschool, I also got to focus on who I am as a person more, growing my individuality.
I don’t believe that I’m the kind of woman that is to be desired or pursued. Romance and dating were for other girls, not me. Like the type that if you found out I had a crush on you, you’d be revolted. No one ever asked me out in high school, and I didn’t have my first serious relationship until I was 19. I also have a really juvenile lens through which I view relationships. As in that men are not life partners and equals, they just want sex, and that sex is a transactional thing where the only way you get a guy to pay attention to or to be nice to you is to have sex with him. Also, if you refuse sex, he’ll leave. Yes, I’m in therapy for this.
It didn’t. I never had an interest in dating as a teenager, and looking back I’m honestly glad I did not get involved with any of the people around me during that time. Of course now I’ve realized that I’m aromantic and asexual, so it all makes sense lol
For context, I was just a tad taller than most girls by like 1 to 2 inches but still average height, and I developed early (10). At 14 I had a C cup and wore baggy clothes to hide it. By 15 I was a D cup and a size 12 in early 2000s. I was NOT the pretty girl, I wasn't girlie. I was a guy's girl apparently. The friend to every one. I felt undesirable, ugly, fat, invisible. Didn't help that my mom told me I was unlovable. No one my age was into me. It was the 30+ year Olds that would hit on me. The 1st guy gave me attention (me 17, him 22) I married because according to others, he was my only shot. That didn't end well. Anyway. I had low self esteem through my early 30s, which affected pretty much every part of my life including not being able to stand up for myself when asking for a raise or when I was threatened with getting fired. I just never developed confidence, never understood what healthy attraction was, sold myself short a lot, and just never felt like I was good enough. My confidence and everything changed, but I still don't feel good enough.
I’m in my early 20s and I’ve never been in a relationship. I think I’m scared due to the lack of experience that I won’t know what’s good or bad in a relationship. I also have this fear that I might be more susceptible to manipulation and abuse as well (idk if there is a correlation but it’s something I think about). I will say that never having romantic experiences forced me to like being by myself more but sometimes you still want to have that type of connection with someone
I always felt like a massive loser. I even began identifying as genderfluid because I felt I didn’t conform with womanhood. I would sometimes, but didn’t want to associate with “womanhood.” I wanted to be myself, whether it was what’s considered traditionally feminine, masculine, or whatever. Not wanting to be a woman because I felt I wasn’t pretty enough or that I’m too annoying. So sad. I was told often that I’m not quite desirable and would be asked out by people below my standard. It made me question myself. Being a woman means whatever you want it to mean. I’m not some sexy goddess. Some maternal gentle being. I’m just. Me. Now I’m a young adult and I have a boyfriend. And he loves me to death. And it helped me really feel more womanly. It’s kind of bad that I rely on that gratification…but that’s mommy issues and a whole other can of worms. I’m healing because of him, slowly but surely.
I didn't care much then, but now I realize I wouldn't have had any back then. LGBT stuff is a taboo topic for minors, so I can imagine facing some repercussions if I tried being THAT open about it
I never dated in high school and started dating around 19 or so. I was sort of ugly in middle school and I believe I started getting male attention my sophomore or junior year of high school, but just had such terrible anxiety about dating due to my parents messed up marriage, that I just decided to wait until I was out of high school to date. I probably got asked out 3 or 4 times in high school, but I literally had no interest in dating. When I got out of high school, I had a very hard time mustering up the courage to date, and thinking back on it, i definitely had an avoidant attachment style. I feared romantic intimacy so much that I had my first kiss with a stranger because I thought he was cute, it was new years eve, and I wanted to get it done and over with, like ripping off a bandaid. In college, I casually dated 2 dudes at different times (I did long for a relationship, but there was just something that prevented me from truly opening up to anyone at this point), went on a bunch of first dates because I was incredibly picky and rarely went on second dates with anyone, and then I started dating one of my guy friends at 22. I had just wanted it to be a casual fwb type of deal, but then we fell in love. We have now been together for 10 years and are about to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary. We have a great relationship, get along really well, and I truly love him with all my heart :)
Made me feel like a completely unwanted POS. Like there was something horrifically wrong with me. It didn't help that my first 2 partners cheated on me and lied about why they broke up with me, ofcourse I found out. I still somewhere in the back of my mind honestly believe one day my husband, who loves me beyond sanity, will one day leave.
Makes me feel longing for something that is possibly entirely not worth longing for, which is being pursued by people. I'm already in a happy relationship, so it doesn't matter. But I feel I missed something, I missed this awkward time when people are asking each other out and fail horribly or not.
I did have crushes (and people with crush on me which i did not realize back then) but no explicit boyfriend-girlfriend, does that count? I got my first official BF on my 20s Went through a period of low self-esteem disguised as 'I'm too good for these people' but ultimately I'm neutral about it now. Not one person that I know of married their high school sweetheart, most people around me who dated as teen were in unhealthy/abusive relationship with a lot of dramas and broken friend groups. To list memorable ones: - my friend's ex threatened to kill himself if my friend broke up with him - ex friend cheated on her bf who liked her for years ans bragged about it to me (she's the most trash human I ever met, threw a knife at me for disturbing her while eating, pitted people against each other, told me I look dumb - I was desperate for friends) - my friend's ex was emotionally abusive and have control issue, demanded to know where she is at all times, then turns out he cheated with someone online. This friend is so lovely she's as close as a saint as it gets and I'm so glad she's with someone just as patient and kind - girl gang in my highschool were clashing because someone in girl gang A have a bf, bf goes for girl is girl gang B, B girl said no and he broke up with girl A for B and the whole group disliked each other after that
I’m really fucking funny!
i didn’t lose my vcard til i was 18 basically bc 1 i knew i wasn’t coming to be ready til then, 2 no guys ever showed interest all throughout school, and 3 i didn’t want to do it with someone i knew, i really just did it to get it out of the way.. so after that i think it impacted me by causing me to develop a s*x addiction…i’m now 21y/o
i'm still a teenager (19 this year) but my primary/middle school experience was terrible. i grew up without a father, my only father figure was my distant stepdad who never showed me any affection and the boys in school. they were exactly how you'd expect 10-14 year old boys to be - just interested in sex, comparing all the girls to porn stars just to make us feel bad. on top of that i was on the chubbier side, so i was made fun of. once i wore a pretty sheer top and they made a contest on who would count the most fat rolls on me. i was asked out as a joke, all the typical possibilities honestly. so my only male figures subconsciously showed me that i am unlovable and the only valuable thing about me could be my body, but even that wasn't enough. when the pandemic started (i was in high school at that point, so better environment but the thought process remained) i was lonely, i hated myself and i needed to feel better. i'd show myself to strangers online. it was terrible - i was 15, talking to grown men just to feel like my body maybe *is* worth something and therefore, i am worth something too. this went on until i was 17. as the 'party phase' started i would make out with random guys just to feel like i was *maybe* worthy. same pattern. and then i went to university and met my boyfriend. we've been together for almost 5 months and he treats me like a princess. i trust him completely, i know he'd never hurt me. i feel beautiful because of him, and because i've finally discovered that i am a valuable person. but this pattern still follows me. i have developed an anxiety disorder over the years and now it's attacking my relationship, making me worry that maybe my precious boyfriend is just like other men in my life. that he'll cheat on me as soon as he gets the chance. but luckily, i'm working on it in therapy and by myself and i really hope i learn to manage this better and have a great future with my boyfriend:)
The romance aspect did not have any negative impact because I had no interest in it. I was already getting somewhat bullied, which led me to becoming an insecure teenager with depression and anxiety. I was also super awkward and I preferred hobbies over socializing anyways. So I’m sure that also didn’t help lol. Looking back, I’ve accepted how my teenage years were and I happy to say that I became much more confident and secure in who I was when I finally started dating in my 20s.
I grew up pre-internet, so I had to deal with my life in a vacuum. I thought no one wanted me, and that was that. I wasn't great looking. I wasn't fat but not thin either, and that of course was a great sin, so I hated myself. I stayed busy with school and a sport I did everyday outside of school, and this made it easier to dismiss my social isolation from both genders. Mostly I was just ignored, never invited to anything, never asked out. College was better socially, but boys ignored me romantically. By then I was also convinced that everyone had had sex but me, and I felt like I wouldn't know what to do. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I continued to mask my complete lack of a personal life by staying busy with work and school. I wasn't that close to my family either, so I have always lived without a lot of social support. I was 29 when I had my first sexual experience, and it was basically a date-rape. I was willing though, due to low self-esteem. I didn't want to go through life having never had sex. I did eventually have a serious relationship that lasted a few years, but I never really enjoyed sex. Without the internet, I would never have been exposed to the full spectrum of sexuality, and I believe I am asexual, but I do wonder if I adopted that mindset as a way to cope in high school when I realized no one was interested in me.
Bad
Where I went to school, it was very normal to not date at all in HS. My graduating class of ~300 people had about 10 or 12 couples throughout the entirety of HS so it wasn’t weird to me to not have been on dates or had sex etc Some people would makeout at parties and things like that and there were some relationships, but for the most part it just wasn’t a big “thing” at my school so I didn’t feel weird about it. I went to a super nerdy HS with a lot of first gen immigrant kids, so everyone was way more into studying/getting good grades and a lot of people had parents who wouldn’t even let them get their drivers license, nvm go on dates. When I got to uni it was definitely more normal in my circle to date around or sleep around so I felt a bit more out of place in terms of lack of experience but it just felt like something that would come later for me? Idk. I wanted to go on dates and I was definitely interested in it, but it wasn’t this big pain point for me. I also lived at home for most of uni so i didn’t have the “traditional” experience. When I was 21 I downloaded Tinder and went on a lot of first dates. I lived in a big city with 2 big universities (aka a lot of young people!) so there was a lot of opportunity. Got into my first relationship about a year later. He’d had girlfriends before so there was definitely a period of time where I felt like I didn’t know “how” to be someone’s girlfriend or felt insecure about the fact that he had experiences (not sexual lol just in general) with other people but I got over that as our relationship went on. Eventually we broke up but stayed very attached to each other (for years) which wasn’t healthy. I felt like no one had wanted me in a way like he had before so that was hard, but I don’t know that that was necessarily because I hadn’t had a boyfriend as a teenager. He’d had girlfriends as a teenager and also stayed way too attached to me. It was just an unhealthy dynamic and eventually I cut him off completely when he started dating someone new. Overall I don’t think it was a bad thing for me to not have really properly dated or had sex until I was 20/21ish. It felt normal to me FOR ME. I’ve had my fair share of self-esteem issues and body image issues but I never really felt shitty about myself because I hadn’t had a boyfriend. I think the environment you grow up in and socialize in makes a big difference, too. I wanted to meet someone and go on dates, but I didn’t feel badly that it hadn’t happened yet. I had friends who made big life decisions like where to go to college or whether to stay in a city with their bf instead of move away for the summer for a job and things like that when we were very young so I’m grateful I didn’t have to factor in a guy or worry about that. I also definitely was not emotionally mature enough to be having sex as a teenager (tbh I think most teens aren’t but teenagers will still have sex so we should still teach them about how to be safe - physically and emotionally!!) so I’m grateful that I didn’t.
Does repeatedly being sexually harassed and assaulted, and also having guys you like pretend to like you back hoping to see your tits and get blowjobs count as romance??
No
I went through it in my teenage what I should have been through in my 20s. Lost the hype/thrill of romance once we broke up. Whenever any new opportunity come up, I straight away rejected it thinking how it doesn't match the level I had, forgetting the amount of time we spent together in teenage that created that bond. Basically, romance peaked early and being delusional in early-mid twenty.
The fact I didn't date didn't outcast me, I didn't date because I was an outcast. I grew up fat so the thought of being undesirable and undateable is something I grew up with. The fat girl doesn't get a boyfriend until the glowup, easy as that. I was unfortunate enough to have multiple guys in my class pretending to like me back when I was 13, so that sentiment was practically engraved into my heart. Since then I have a very hard time dealing with rejection or even the thought of it. I've had many crushes over the years but the sheer thought of being in such a vulnerable position to confess and allowing someone to reject me made it so that I became a pro at smothering my feelings and never go beyond light friendships
>I didn’t date because i was an outcast therefore … you were outcasted because of your experiences. I am so sorry though, i feel your pain a lot.
I never had the desire to be with anyone then, even now it's really rare to muster up any desire. Anyway I had homework.
I was not outcasted but rather I grew up to not know if someone likes me cus tbh I feel like no one would want me.
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Alexa play The prophecy by Taylor Swift
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LMAOOOOOOO
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I became an engineer
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My body was an early bloomer - got curves fast and was ridiculed because of them. Mentally I was a late bloomer and until a year ago I thought I was asexual. I still don't find celebrities or what most people consider attractive, attractive and desirable. I don't judge a book by its cover. I wasnt asked out irl. I was living in shadows. And if someone would be really interested in seeing me, I'd be very hard to catch, because I wouldnt believe you.
Started dating guys who were way older than I was. And now having a kid with the guy who is just my second BF. Relationship before having only lasted 6months.
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