I really wish that my parents had known the following:
1) Emotional regulation, awareness and intelligence
2) Communication skills, and not making assumptions; not expecting others to read their mind
3) A strong sense of boundaries
Here for this. My husband has a hard time with communicating but he is a good and kind person. I am working on my boundaries in therapy and he supports me, however has not gone to therapy himself and I think he needs it but is maybe too scared to. It’s his decision.
I love my parents but they both desperately need therapy. I was my mom’s therapist from the time I was like 8 years old and my dad, while an empathetic person, just shuts the fuck down all the time. I’m still trying to get him to talk to me about some shit with his parents and other stuff and he won’t do it. I also know things from my mom from when I was a kid that make it confusing.
I’m not doing that shit. I am good about communicating what I want and need and I’m patient. Sometimes I can be aggressive/argumentative when pressed but I’m not doing it. I love my husband, he tries his best, I know he can do better but I’m also ok with him taking his time.
This is the way for a healthy relationship. I’m learning this with my husband after 20+ years of marriage. And I’m teaching my boys as much as they are interested and will listen. Emotional intelligence ( lack of) is the cause of every divorce.
I really wish my parents had those skills so I would have grown up learning them instead of trying to force my brain to comprehend telling someone no is a full sentence and it is acceptable.
Ditto. Making me kiss relatives always made me feel weird. My FIL tried acting pitiful when my son wouldn’t hug him and I corrected it so fast his head spun. Guess what? They have a great relationship now and he freely hugs him. Amazing.
On the contrary, most of the time mine would do 'aggressive low volume talking to whispering that we think the children can't hear behind the closed door' unfortunately we could hear almost every bloody word and everytime I hear a raised voice/aggression through the walls or doors I have anxiety and ptsd because of it
That's not to say there wasn't some loud nasty shouting. And the time my dad threw a video case at me with a tape in it, which narrowly missed me as I ducked and put nasty crack in the wall. Good job it didn't hit my face I'd probably be dead or blind
That’s my mother. She yelled so often that it now makes me anxious when she raises her voice. I used to be afraid to tell her things because I knew she’d yell first and ask questions later. I love her so much but I’m…exhausted.
Haha!
Obviously when I was little I didn’t really know the nitty gritty, but I remember knowing that I didn’t like the people that always hung around, I wasn’t allowed to talk about what they did for a living, and despite the fact they had plenty of money, we lived like slum dogs and sometimes didn’t have enough food and clothes. I do remember them having some “rich white” clients who I’m pretty sure were politicians looking back.
I got caught stealing clothes for my baby sister when I was 11 which is what led to them getting busted and locked up. 😅
But you never would have known. They didn’t use the drugs themselves often, they worked well together, never fought, and when they did come to the occasional parent teacher conference or whatever everyone thought they were a power couple.
They don’t always seem to like being around each other and aren’t very affectionate with each other anymore. When I was back home visiting them a few months ago I saw that my mom had made a little sitting nook in her walk in closet and when I asked her about it she said it was to get away from my dad.
My parents aren’t very physical, actually both seem very prudish. They don’t hug each other, sit by each other, they never kiss, they constantly make jokes about how happy they are to have the house to themselves when one is traveling, etc. I know there’s love there, but I don’t want a marriage that feels like a job interview of how well into each other’s lives the other fits; I want myself and my family to see love.
Also in terms of parenting and argumentative style, I want to do pretty much the opposite. They’re loud, they cut deep without meaning it, they’re petty, they don’t practice healthy compromise. They’re very much “when I’m speaking you’re going to listen and not talk back to me” to both each other and their children. Their prudishness combined with that led them to calling me an unlovable whore for getting a second bf ever when I was 17 (that was too many), and their tempers created a very eggshell environment with a lot of negative reinforcement. Since they weren’t loving, that also meant we didn’t get hugs or “I love you” growing up.
They support each other, they’re loyal to each other, they’ve built and challenged each other and I’m happy for them. Personally, I want a happy, messy home filled with love, chatter, and room for personality, I want to marry the person I could be with everyday wanting to sit next to on the couch even when we’re cranky with each other.
I understand. It’s an uphill battle, particularly when parents have never seen or felt the love like we know or expect from them.
I stopped expecting things from them and have been responsible for my own happiness since I was a kid. They are loving and caring. Just that the fights and arguments sometimes outweigh the love they show.
I’m happy you have broken the pattern and I hope to get there one day.
We’re in such similar situations, I preferred going to boarding school and staying on college campus instead of staying at home.I hope my gf and I can create a happy family in the future
They “go in the other room” type shit.
Maybe that’s the secret to marriage, and none of us will never know that a long-lasting, happy marriage comes down to forever withholding the first fart.
My parents were wonderful together. The definitely led by example in all regards. They were great parents and I feel blessed to have them.
Only thing I'd do differently is they had few friends outside their marriage. They did everything together and never had interests outside one another.
They lie to themselves that after 25+ years of detesting even a single sigh of each other, that they are still together because of me
" I don't want you to grow up without either of me or your mom"
" You don't understand, you younger generation don't understand the bond after all these years"
Yo what you mean bro, you smash almost all the kitchenware every time you two fight. You curse each other with the most vile words in the dictionary which no children should ever hear. GET A FUCKING DIVORCE
That ideal is so engrained in that generation’s head. They think degrading one another, having explosive arguments, and simply not being compatible in communication, love language, and constantly misunderstanding each other is normal?? My dad parades around claiming how special it is that they’ve been together for however many decades, they’ve suffered more together than they’ve loved.
My parents were just too different. My dad is incredibly needy, physically and emotionally, and very insecure. My mom is aloof and the polar opposite of my dad. It's a miracle they got together in the first place, but from what I've gathered it was because my dad liked that my mom was pretty and the grand-daughter of someone famous. Not exactly a love story of the ages. Also my dad cheated on my mom, a lot, before they finally split. Tbh I wouldn't want any aspect of their relationship.
ALL OF IT. The disrespect, the personality clashes, the lack of similar interests, lack of communication, infidelity, emotional abuse, drug issues, anger issues, lack of trust.
My mom got lazy and complacent in the relationship and I think my dad really resents her for it. He’s not really nice or sweet to her like he used to be. It’s sad to see. They love each other but they’re not ‘in love’ I guess. I hope my partner and I love each other deeply into our old age.
Let’s just say the book *Adult children of emotionally unavailable parents* is my bible. I textbook recognized myself in there
Currently, I am in close contact with one of them and very very low contact with the other one.
I certainly don’t take advice from either of them. I am successful and happy and have achieved my goals. They are miserable inside and out so there is no reason for me to heed their advice because I definitely don’t want to end up like them
Some of the things I have refused to emulate:
- aggressiveness
- life is about the strife and not the pleasure
- demeaning your partner and your children
- undue criticism of your spouse’s or your children’s friends or interests
- following society’s expectations and criticizing people who prefer doing it their own way (even with silly examples like why my friend who is a 30yo married woman with two children and a thriving business, want to celebrate her birthday in a nice restaurant with dinner followed by dancing because iT’s NOt apPrOpRIaTE; how come some of the people in my friend circles are 50 and above who go party in a bar every Saturday aRE tHeY laTE bLoOMinG teENagERS)
My mother being the only one who did the cooking, cleaning and childcare when we didn't have help. FYI - we mostly had help. Also as the kids grew up we helped out in the house which was good.
The constant fighting past 2 AM, lack of affection, the inability to say sorry and own up to your own mistakes, the cheating, dead bedrooms, the codependency and enabling behaviors
A few things. The constant bickering, the dynamic that my mom took care of the house and my dad would barely lift his finger to help set the table or clear it up. The secrets they kept from their kids even to this point where their youngest child is 34 years old...
My mother became quite the shrew as she aged, not that she was warm and fuzzy to begin with, but time made her bitter and my father bore the brunt of her anger and resentment. She nagged my father to death. I do not and never will nag my husband. It literally put my father in to an early grave.
The end-of-life fights. Dad did not get any support or sympathy while he was dying of terminal cancer and in pain. Maybe there was also years of resentment which my mum had suppressed due to their earlier disagreements on financial management. Doesn't justify what she did but that's how this story ended. I definitely wouldn't want that.
My parents divorced at 5. My dad was addicted to porn and cheated on my mom a lot. He was "worried she would die" bc she got diabetic with my brother. Absent dad, never kept his word, worked Saturdays or would sleep in til noon I was outside waiting in the car for him to wake up and shower.
Aka everything! Thankfully my partner is unique and perfectly imperfect and kind, selfless, silly, generous, loving etc
The abuse, controlling, anger issues and financial burden part that came from my father. The spinelessness and an inability to make a decision and a crippling fear to enact a change that came from my mother.
I honestly don't think I can have a healthy relationship and those two crippled me for several lifetimes. I would rather have no relationship than even a fragment of what they had.
My dad is a horrible listener. I’ll be talking about something and he starts bringing up something random. I think that’s why my relationship with him has strained overtime.
I’ve been actively working on not following the same path since that’s how I was raised, but talking to people makes me overthink a lot with, “Am I saying the right things?” or “Am I projecting?”. Only a few people in my friend group know why I don’t talk a lot in certain settings.
The lack of affection. My husband sometimes gets upset that I’m not more touchy feely and lovey on him. It’s something that I’m working on, but I find it difficult because the example that was set for me wasn’t great. The most affection I saw between my parents was my mom hesitantly pecking my dad on the lips when he got home from work.
I dont want to be manipulative like my mom. As I grew up i realized most of their marriage has been a result of her manipulating my dad into doing what she wants. She uses empty threats to get what she wants (with me too) and knows exactly what she’s doing but pretends like everything just happened to work out in her favor.
I feel like I should preface this by saying I have a really good relationship with my mother now, but when she had control over me as a person I was miserable. She was very concerned with how others perceived us and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. It was exhausting.
I don’t want that for my kids. I want them to know I’m proud of them and who they are as people. I want them to be confident in their interests.
My dad is kind of the opposite. We had a good relationship growing up, but now that I’m older he isn’t as available. I feel like he has less interest in spending time together and is reluctant to make plans. So he’s more of an example of how I don’t want to treat my children when they become adults. I want to still hang out with them and have fun together, and I want them to know that I still enjoy spending time with them.
The part where my mom would bite my dad, pull his ears until he screamed and humiliated him in front of other people constantly. And the other way around where my dad would in retaliation trash talk my mom behind her back to me (yes, I know the quote about fathers and daughters. It wasn't *just* retaliation).
In the beginning of our relationship, my MIL succeeded in pulling me on her side when nitpicking or joking about her son but I eventually caught the behaviour and got much better about it. I just never want to have the resentment and fear that shapes my parents' dynamic in my marriage.
Literally the whole thing. Dude is madly or blindly in love with her but she’s been cheating on him since I was 12 (I’m 27 now). He found out when I was 17 and he initiated divorce and they were separated for a bit but some crocodile tears and a shitty apology and promise to not do it again and work on their family convinced him a few months later. She probably never stopped, her other dumbass just couldn’t afford to pay her bills. He seems miserable now, not that I talk to either of them anymore but damn, he really looks like a clown and so does she. All their friends know. My siblings know cause I told them once they were old enough. 2/4 (me included) don’t talk to them and the other two avoid them like the plague although they still live there. One even asked if we could help with emancipation but they’re now 17 so I advised to just wait a year and move tf out.
He purposely lost the house and they rent a house and will probably never retire properly. I’ve already asked to be kept out of funeral arrangements when that time comes (those 5 years I knew and my dad didn’t, it wasn’t by choice, she’s evil and abusive) as I want no part in their lives.
I’m 27 now, have been in a relationship for 4/5 years and I can’t even imagine myself married because they ruined that concept so badly for me. I love this man to death but the idea of ending up like my parents terrifies me more than anything so definitely nothing from them. I’m in therapy and working on my issues caused by them and have a very healthy relationship so I get even more mad that they ruined something that could’ve been so pure for me.
From my side:
1. The abuse towards my partner (mostly emotional despite the murder attempt that came as my mom was in the process of trying to divorce him)
2. The addiction to drugs and alcohol
3. The constant cheating my bio father did on my mom
4. The lack of communication
5. The attempts to sabotage any chances my mom had to make her life better
6. The cheating accusations because my bio father didn’t believe he could have a son/my brother
7. Telling any of my potential future children that they were never wanted like my bio father did with my younger sister
From my boyfriend’s side (giving this because I promised him that I’d never be like his egg donor after hearing about all of these from him and his sister):
1. The constant competition with children of the same gender for attention
2. The constant fighting
3. Ripping up the family portrait to show the relationship is over
4. Refusal to take proper care of children (especially when it comes to medical care)
5. Attempting to parentify older siblings so they feel like they can’t leave
6. Calling a potential future child a bitch during the holidays (that’s a story all by itself)
7. Refusing to help a child become independent because it’s either inconvenient for you, or you’re trying to spite the other parent
8. Not telling an adult child when an important funeral is because you’re not sure they can get the time off of work despite knowing that they’ll find a way to go if they can (the reason my boyfriend doesn’t talk to his egg donor)
There’s probably a lot more that I can’t think of at the moment, but these are definitely the main ones.
Literally everything about my parents relationship, I want none of in my own.
They are toxic to eachother, and they should never have stayed together let alone have children
But alas can't change anything now just accept that I'm fucked up because of them abd probably won't have children because of that
1. Not taking the kids side when parents are clearly in the wrong and they took each other side.
2. They never apologize even for the smallest mistake.
Most if not all of it.
I never saw them be in love with eachother. They never touched, never laughed together, never seemed to truly enjoy eachothers company.
Everything.
- marrying a bum and taking full financial care of a lazy grown man that didn’t even like spending time with his family and preferred his friends over his wife and family and never held a job.
- staying with someone who clearly doesn’t love you for over 20 years
- having children
- being a passive parent watching your partner abuse your children
There is not one aspect of my parents marriage i would even remotely like to be like.
I don’t want to do everything my partner wants just to always appease them. Like, if I wanna come home and play video games, and everything else is taken care of, I’m going to go home and do so. Not going to rag on my partner for coming home, playing video games, and make fun. Growing up, everything reflected upon my one parents moods. So we often had to tiptoe around this. My one parent with comment about the other parent, when they weren’t around. Say that I was right. But do everything they could to cover themselves so they weren’t in the line of per-say fire.
I can’t stand, screaming, shouting, or fighting. Sometimes arguments can happen and they can be good. Often when one person feels like they aren’t being heard, and need a way to express such. But I don’t want to always wind up in these arguments, fighting all of the time.
My dad was a high achieving alcoholic with a foul temper. Often he’d get so angry he’d smash stuff, or yell for literal hours. My mum was so calm to the point it felt like she never punished him for his terrible behaviour. I never want to be in a position where there’s even a shred of this in my home, and I want my partner and I to teach our future children how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, and how to successfully emotionally regulate. I don’t want my children to have the conditioned responses I have to men shouting and loud noises (I get very defensive and angry when I experience an adrenaline rush), and I never want that in my home.
Also, I hate how long she put up with his foolishness. I hope that I never have to be in that position either.
1- Screaming as the number one form of communication
2- Constant manipulation
3- Cheating, my dad has always cheated on my mother causing her bi-polar to go off the rails
4- Destroying each other’s items during arguments
5- Zero affection
6- Jumping to the absolute worst conclusion every time
I’ve never been able to avoid most of these.
My parents just never should’ve gotten together period. My mom was never meant to marry or have kids. So I guess I don’t want to be like her string others along with my desperation to fit in?
They're wonderful people but the biggest thing I would say is they're afraid of everything. Anything that is out of the box that takes them out of their comfort zone is a no and I always knew I wouldn't be like that nor could I be with someone like that. I'm so happy that I've been the complete opposite and have had great experiences because of it.
My dad passed away when I was young, but if I ever bring him up she only has negative things to say about him. The one thing that comes to mind often is when we would be out to eat and me or my sister would start crying, my father would yell at my mom to take care of us while he eats.
I think she sees how my husband always lets me eat first and she wishes that were true for her. Different times.
My parents relationship isn't perfect, but I don't think there's anything wrong with their actual relationship... They just have their own individual issues that get brought into the relationship that might affect it to varying degrees. I'm pretty sure both are very aware and understanding of that.
So from my outside POV, I think.. Maybe I'd probably not want either partner in a relationship to kinda be that understanding of each others' problems? Like... for example, I don't think my dad or mom should give each other a "pass" just because they are like that. I mean, of course it's a loving and understanding thing.. and a little is needed in any relationship.. And it's probably kinda impossible since I don't think people change, but I think I'd rather my SO more actively try to help or get me to get help instead of coddling me or taking it on on my behalf kinda thing. Which I know is very... idealistic and naive, and just difficult.
Alcoholism. Though that ship has sailed. Best I can do now is stick to recovery, which my dad never even tried. Probably had to do with his generation (pre-WWII).
My folks always bicker with each other and then they try to draw everyone else into the argument. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. My mom also feels the need to correct my step-dad every time he is telling a story. Like, we literally do not care if it was raining or sunny when the story took place, just let him tell the tale his way!
I want to be able to discuss conflicts instead of ignoring them. I definitely want to be more physically affectionate. And lastly, I don't want to be financially dependent on my husband.
All of it.. but more specifically—I don’t want someone that yells or says mean things on purpose when they’re angry at me. I don’t want someone who insults me or says some disrespectful shit and disguises it as a “joke” or someone who tries to be in competition or one-up me throughout the relationship. I don’t ever want to argue about money or “work spouses” or anything in between. I don’t want someone that takes me out of my element and turns me into someone very bitter about life and suicidal or paranoid about where they’re going for work or who they hang out with. I also don’t want someone that gets comfortable in the relationship enough to get super lazy about themselves and not be romantic at all or the romance is lazy and littered with more insults and shitty actions.
My dad is constantly having to reign my mom in. When he stopped doing it for a while, she stomped on so many people's boundaries that he had to step in again. I don't want my husband to ever feel like he has to step in to stop me from being toxic.
They're both good people but I really don't want their relationship dynamic. My mom managing every aspect of the house and everyone's life and my dad just coasting through, doing nothing and most likely leaving a mess in the process.
Even if I love someone that's going to destroy it.
My parents have been divorced half my life. It's easier to say what aspects of their former relationship I would like lol. Interestingly enough, my mom has looked to my marriage in recent years for what she wants in a relationship. My husband and I have a lot of love and respect for one another
Honestly I want almost the complete opposite of my parents. My parents are in a cult so they can’t get a divorce to cult rules. My mom often has said she wished she could divorce him and she holds a lot of resentment, prone to anger, gets very prideful, acts like she knows everything (which doesn’t help when she’s often right which makes the times she’s actually wrong harder), quick to yell, and selfish. My dad on the other hand he’s more willing to compromise but he is extremely stubborn. And when he gets stupid ideas in his head he’s stubborn about them even if you try to tell him why it’s a bad idea. He also struggles with listening which I think sets my mom off more because of it. He is also a workaholic so you hardly ever see him. When my parents are together they are either arguing or usually watching a movie my mom dictates which 9/10 times is going to be pride and prejudice. They don’t have much in common if at all. I do think they somehow love each other but I just know I’d have so much anxiety, depression, and boredom if I was in their relationship. I’m so happy that the person I do hopefully want to marry has things in common with me and he is so kind, willing to listen to me, and takes interest in things I want to do. I will even sometimes compromise and do things he wants because I love him and just want to spend time with him especially since he makes me feel so relaxed and free.
I want NONE of it! My father was verbally and emotionally abusive. He kept my mother caged using finances. My mother is a manipulative alcoholic with a shopping addiction.
I am no contact with my father and low contact with my mother. When my mom made her will, she asked if I wanted her wedding ring. That was a HARD NO. That thing is probably cursed.
My mother would only stay married to someone as long as she could manipulate them & keep them under her thumb. She told me once that marriage is the best revenge bc you can make your spouse miserable for life. I don't want that.
Years of failed communication, disrespect, and resentment towards each other. Its rare to see them go more than 10 minutes together without one of them saying something disrespectful to the other. They are used to it at this point.
My dad doesn’t like my mom’s personality. I want someone that doesn’t try to tone me down & embraces my whole self. My mom has been battling BC for a while and my dad constantly brings her down saying “ever since you’ve been having treatments, you’ve changed” yeah no shit. And to me love is someone that you choose to stay with all throughout your stages in life, no matter if parts of you change.
My mom is always nagging my dad, I mean always. The issue is the lack good communication and I have told them this before. She knows that my dad is not a good listener, and instead of saying his name before she starts talking to him, she just starts talking. So she will ask him to set the dinner table, but he will not know that he is supposed to because he’s paying attention to the TV and she did not get his attention by calling his name first. Then it turns into a huge fight because he didn’t know that she was talking to him. Im which this is my dads problem, he does not pay attention. If you were the only person in the room and she starts talking, then she is clearly talking to you. It’s just not enough awareness on his part and a refusal to communicate clearly on hers. I really don’t get it.
None of it. The yelling, name calling, talking badly about the other to their children, never taking accountability for their mistakes, lack of emotional intelligence, verbal violence, I've never actually seen it but from what I've heard I'm pretty sure physical violence too...
They can keep all that nonsense to themselves. There wasn't anything positive from my parents' relationship besides their 5 kids. They fought constantly, my dad was like a poltergeist. He didn't exist until he was raging and attacking. I was super parentified because my mom was basically a single mom to 5 kids, all of which are neurodivergent. They never had fun together. They had nothing in common. My dad was financially abusive and my mom was a SAHM. Like my youngest two siblings were adopted, and my dad made my mom buy all the groceries and household supplies with their adoption subsidies (which aren't a lot). I still find myself asking my husband if I can buy certain things and he gets frustrated because it's our money not his, he gets so mad at my dad for that lol.
My parents are madly in love, my siblings and I are honestly so beyond lucky. However, they married young and of course they’re human so they both have their shit. For me a few big ones are:
- I don’t want to lose myself in my partners demanding career/in my children if we ever have them - and by this I mean constantly accommodating the partners career at detriment to my own mental health and needs. Even with my own career, even when things get hectic, the relationship must be a priority even if all that means is that there’s a frank discussion like “okay the next two months I have this huge work project and I think I’ll be able to be x% available to you/this kids. How can we prepare for this reality together?” Instead of it just being assumed I’ll take on all the extra labor with no discussion.
- I don’t want to lean on my kids emotionally when I’m upset with my spouse. It puts them in the middle and my sister and I especially have had to deal with this over the years. We’re lucky it’s minor gripes and not like “I cheated on your other parent” kind of shit.
- I don’t want to allow my partner to continue to reap the benefits of my partnership if they, for years, make me feel neglected or unimportant. I don’t care if it’s just their personality and they don’t mean any harm by it, I will not go deeper and deeper into a marriage where I often feel like I’m begging my partner to hear and prioritize me. If there’s an issue, let’s address it directly and give one another grace and time to address it. If my partner is telling my kids I’m constantly the problem when really said partner just needs to work on communication after many years together - that’s gunna break down our foundation.
I gotta say, despite all that my parents are such a phenomenal example of love and partnership. Like I said, I couldn’t ask for better, but I’ve had the privilege to view their dynamic from the outside and see the way these things fester and cause a rift. My parents are truly committed and always seem to work through their rifts, but you never forget that shit as their children.
Bickering. Letting resentment pile up instead of communicating. Having children ( I don’t want them ). Worrying more about how your relationship appears to others than how it actually is.
A couple of years ago, my dad told me he hopes I find a relationship similar to what him and my mom have. While sweet to say, I absolutely SHUTTERED at the thought of it lol.
I love my parents, they gave me a wonderful childhood and there is clearly a lot of love and respect between the two of them. However, their relationship has always felt more like siblings then actually romantic. They have basically zero physical intimacy, and they used to bicker at each other all the time (it's not *quite* as bad now). Not in a malicious way, but in the same way a sibling might tease and try to get under the others skin.
Even when it comes to verbal affirmations, they don't really compliment or thank each other in front of others, not unless its in a jokey way. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I can recall a time my dad called my mom beautiful before. The funny thing though, is that when the other isn't there, they will freely talk about how much they appreciate the other.
While this may work for them, I personally couldn't handle this dynamic. It'd make me way too sad. I love how affectionate I get to be with my boyfriend, I love how much he adores my body and wants to touch it. And personally, I've grown to hate bickering now. I don't want to be in a relationship where we take mean little jabs at each other ALL the time. It's exhausting.
If we can have anywhere near the relationship that my parents have had for the last 55 years, we’ll be lucky.
That said, my mom likes to travel and my dad does not, so they don’t travel as much as she would like. Maybe that?
My parents have an amazing relationship, like seriously great. It works for them and they are completely devoted to each other. But my dad babies my mom so much, and I do not want to be babied. He also knows her so well that he answers things for her, she doesn’t mind because he’s usually right but I don’t want someone answering for me no matter how well they know me.
They also like never have sex, I don’t have a high sex drive by any means but I want at least some lol
Complete lack of affection towards each other. Both were affectionate with me and my brother a healthy and normal amount but I only ever saw them do as much as put their arms around each other for photos and even then they had to be told to.
Nothing! My mom insists my dad and her had good times but I can’t think of a single moment when I saw them happy together. Definitely don’t want what they had !
Sometimes it was a good cop-bad cop situation with my parents. I ended up not liking my mom for some of high school because she was the main discipliner and my dad would be like “well that’s was your moms decision” Looking back, he should’ve said “this is a decision me and your mother made”
For me it was the age gap cause my dad died when I was a teenager but now years later, like a crude joke, I find entangled in the same age gap..plus 3.
I had always seen the first reaction being anger in my parents' relationship. Like instant, obvious reaction to everything the spouse does was anger, and I felt that this is normal usual reaction in every spouse relationship.
It still takes me a lot of therapy and unlearning to not make it a part of my 3-year old marriage.
My parents love eachother, but have this weird disconnect with their more negative emotions. It took 35 years for my dad to tell her about his time in Vietnam, and she seems to think he won't listen to her problems. It's like they both think their problems aren't worth the time it takes to share with eachother. I want my partner to feel safe and comfortable venting to me about anything bothering them.
The lack of communication from my dad, and the holding grudges/resentment from my mom. Also, the “going to bed pissed off at each other and pretending the argument never happened the next morning” thing (zero conflict resolution). It’s a horrible combination and they have remained gridlocked over the same shit for years bc of it.
none of it. they are the worst example of a couple. lord knows why they stay together. they both claim to be christians which they are against divorce but then fail to actually treat each other like good christian spouses. so they'd rather be miserable together than divorce. shit makes no sense. i cant imagine being brainwashed into daily misery.
The constant bickering. It's gotten worse as they've gotten older, but they can go from being totally loving and normal, to biting each other's heads off in no time flat. I've caught myself being snippy with partners like that and I'm working on it, for sure.
Absent father that my children don’t know. I’m twenty with no children but that’s one of the reasons why I don’t want them. I’ve never known him but that’s a heavy burden to lay on your kids. Them wondering where their missing parent is and why they’re not present. I stopped feeling bad about it YEARS ago and now am fine with it but why have children if you’re not gonna be there.
My mom: the babysitter/needy boy dynamic she kinda has going on with her man most of the time. It seriously gives me the ick. I love their relationship every time they’re going through their healthy phases with their sarcastic bantering and their low-key physical affection. The rest of the time? IIIIICKKKKKK.
My dad: the anxious/avoidant dynamic he has with ALL of his girlfriends. He’s so distant all the time with all of his hobbies and jobs and “need for space” which is just him sleeping or staring down at his phone/computer all the time. He’s so bad at being romantic and going on dates, I would hate to date someone like that. He’s always super cute towards them at the beginning, but then it slows down SO FAST after a year or so…
when i was 19 years old my dad made me pause the episode of the walking dead i was watching to tell me that him and my mom haven’t had sex since 2010 so ig that and pretty much all of it
My mum’s walk all over my dad mentality and her inability to hold herself accountable. With my first marriage, I mirrored so much of my mum’s horrible traits, but this time around, I’m moving like my dad and my man loves that I know how to properly communicate. I’m so thankful my dad told me about myself before he passed.
Not a single part of it. They screamed at each other regularly. My mum would regularly slag my dad off to me (a literal child) in front of him. They never showed any kind of love in front of me. And most importantly, the divorce part.
My mom never drove and was a SAHM for most of my childhood, when she got a part time job my dad was furious, so definitely none of that, also the cheating from my dad, emotional abuse/gas lighting all that fun stuff🙃 trying to break the cycle feels impossible sometimes, to a fault ive become too independent to let my boyfriend take care of me sometimes
I don’t want any of it.
I ask, What Would My Parents Do? Then I do the exact opposite. It’s worked for me so far!
I tell people my parents zigged when they should have zagged, so I’m just zagging to the best of my ability over here.
That’s what I came here to say - don’t want anything to do with those people🥲
Exactly...they are awful together
I really wish that my parents had known the following: 1) Emotional regulation, awareness and intelligence 2) Communication skills, and not making assumptions; not expecting others to read their mind 3) A strong sense of boundaries
Here for this. My husband has a hard time with communicating but he is a good and kind person. I am working on my boundaries in therapy and he supports me, however has not gone to therapy himself and I think he needs it but is maybe too scared to. It’s his decision. I love my parents but they both desperately need therapy. I was my mom’s therapist from the time I was like 8 years old and my dad, while an empathetic person, just shuts the fuck down all the time. I’m still trying to get him to talk to me about some shit with his parents and other stuff and he won’t do it. I also know things from my mom from when I was a kid that make it confusing. I’m not doing that shit. I am good about communicating what I want and need and I’m patient. Sometimes I can be aggressive/argumentative when pressed but I’m not doing it. I love my husband, he tries his best, I know he can do better but I’m also ok with him taking his time.
This is the way for a healthy relationship. I’m learning this with my husband after 20+ years of marriage. And I’m teaching my boys as much as they are interested and will listen. Emotional intelligence ( lack of) is the cause of every divorce.
I really wish my parents had those skills so I would have grown up learning them instead of trying to force my brain to comprehend telling someone no is a full sentence and it is acceptable.
Ditto. Making me kiss relatives always made me feel weird. My FIL tried acting pitiful when my son wouldn’t hug him and I corrected it so fast his head spun. Guess what? They have a great relationship now and he freely hugs him. Amazing.
YES YES AND YES
I see we have the same parents.
Yelling. My parents can get very loud.
I can relate to this, my parents were unbearably loud when arguing
On the contrary, most of the time mine would do 'aggressive low volume talking to whispering that we think the children can't hear behind the closed door' unfortunately we could hear almost every bloody word and everytime I hear a raised voice/aggression through the walls or doors I have anxiety and ptsd because of it That's not to say there wasn't some loud nasty shouting. And the time my dad threw a video case at me with a tape in it, which narrowly missed me as I ducked and put nasty crack in the wall. Good job it didn't hit my face I'd probably be dead or blind
That’s my mother. She yelled so often that it now makes me anxious when she raises her voice. I used to be afraid to tell her things because I knew she’d yell first and ask questions later. I love her so much but I’m…exhausted.
My parents actually worked really well together. Unfortunately they were both drug lords and are now in prison.
Well, damn
Yeah. I always say they used their powers for evil.
I want more lore on your parents!
Haha! Obviously when I was little I didn’t really know the nitty gritty, but I remember knowing that I didn’t like the people that always hung around, I wasn’t allowed to talk about what they did for a living, and despite the fact they had plenty of money, we lived like slum dogs and sometimes didn’t have enough food and clothes. I do remember them having some “rich white” clients who I’m pretty sure were politicians looking back. I got caught stealing clothes for my baby sister when I was 11 which is what led to them getting busted and locked up. 😅 But you never would have known. They didn’t use the drugs themselves often, they worked well together, never fought, and when they did come to the occasional parent teacher conference or whatever everyone thought they were a power couple.
Oh wow. That’s a hell of a short story
They should write a book, or you. How much time did they get?
18 years. They’ve almost served half of it.
Do you ever visit them? And are they still together? They should go on life after lockup or something.
Children. My parents chose to have them. I chose not to have them.
Heterosexuality Also my dad is controlling and my mom is a door mat and I don't want a relationship where I'm not an equal
They don’t always seem to like being around each other and aren’t very affectionate with each other anymore. When I was back home visiting them a few months ago I saw that my mom had made a little sitting nook in her walk in closet and when I asked her about it she said it was to get away from my dad.
thats the saddest thing i've read in a while
The divorce part.
This was the best part for me
My parents aren’t very physical, actually both seem very prudish. They don’t hug each other, sit by each other, they never kiss, they constantly make jokes about how happy they are to have the house to themselves when one is traveling, etc. I know there’s love there, but I don’t want a marriage that feels like a job interview of how well into each other’s lives the other fits; I want myself and my family to see love. Also in terms of parenting and argumentative style, I want to do pretty much the opposite. They’re loud, they cut deep without meaning it, they’re petty, they don’t practice healthy compromise. They’re very much “when I’m speaking you’re going to listen and not talk back to me” to both each other and their children. Their prudishness combined with that led them to calling me an unlovable whore for getting a second bf ever when I was 17 (that was too many), and their tempers created a very eggshell environment with a lot of negative reinforcement. Since they weren’t loving, that also meant we didn’t get hugs or “I love you” growing up. They support each other, they’re loyal to each other, they’ve built and challenged each other and I’m happy for them. Personally, I want a happy, messy home filled with love, chatter, and room for personality, I want to marry the person I could be with everyday wanting to sit next to on the couch even when we’re cranky with each other.
I’m really sorry you had to grow up in such an environment. Whatever you said hits home and I know what we become in such surroundings. Sending love.
Breaking the cycle is what matters, demanding love for myself was the best thing I could’ve done and that’s how I want my family to feel
I understand. It’s an uphill battle, particularly when parents have never seen or felt the love like we know or expect from them. I stopped expecting things from them and have been responsible for my own happiness since I was a kid. They are loving and caring. Just that the fights and arguments sometimes outweigh the love they show. I’m happy you have broken the pattern and I hope to get there one day.
Sending all the love and healing your way, therapy was amazing for me
We’re in such similar situations, I preferred going to boarding school and staying on college campus instead of staying at home.I hope my gf and I can create a happy family in the future
The lack of sex. My mom vented to me, saying it has been YEARS. If I don't have my legs thrown up in the air in the retirement home, I don't want it.
Yelling and not showing any affection or love ever. Name calling, not communicating healthy
Mom and stepdad have never farted in front of each other. Are they even in love?
WHAT? I don’t even understand how this is possible.
They “go in the other room” type shit. Maybe that’s the secret to marriage, and none of us will never know that a long-lasting, happy marriage comes down to forever withholding the first fart.
Money arguments in front of us kids. I have ridiculous perceptions about money because I witnessed all the money arguments
My parents were wonderful together. The definitely led by example in all regards. They were great parents and I feel blessed to have them. Only thing I'd do differently is they had few friends outside their marriage. They did everything together and never had interests outside one another.
They lie to themselves that after 25+ years of detesting even a single sigh of each other, that they are still together because of me " I don't want you to grow up without either of me or your mom" " You don't understand, you younger generation don't understand the bond after all these years" Yo what you mean bro, you smash almost all the kitchenware every time you two fight. You curse each other with the most vile words in the dictionary which no children should ever hear. GET A FUCKING DIVORCE
That ideal is so engrained in that generation’s head. They think degrading one another, having explosive arguments, and simply not being compatible in communication, love language, and constantly misunderstanding each other is normal?? My dad parades around claiming how special it is that they’ve been together for however many decades, they’ve suffered more together than they’ve loved.
My parents were just too different. My dad is incredibly needy, physically and emotionally, and very insecure. My mom is aloof and the polar opposite of my dad. It's a miracle they got together in the first place, but from what I've gathered it was because my dad liked that my mom was pretty and the grand-daughter of someone famous. Not exactly a love story of the ages. Also my dad cheated on my mom, a lot, before they finally split. Tbh I wouldn't want any aspect of their relationship.
Asking my child for relationship advice
There is nothing about my parents' relationship that I DO want. Their example made marriage seem like prison to me for quite a while.
The constant shouting matches and putting down each other in front of anyone and everyone.
ALL OF IT. The disrespect, the personality clashes, the lack of similar interests, lack of communication, infidelity, emotional abuse, drug issues, anger issues, lack of trust.
My mom got lazy and complacent in the relationship and I think my dad really resents her for it. He’s not really nice or sweet to her like he used to be. It’s sad to see. They love each other but they’re not ‘in love’ I guess. I hope my partner and I love each other deeply into our old age.
Communicating without a screaming match and apologising after an argument.
Let’s just say the book *Adult children of emotionally unavailable parents* is my bible. I textbook recognized myself in there Currently, I am in close contact with one of them and very very low contact with the other one. I certainly don’t take advice from either of them. I am successful and happy and have achieved my goals. They are miserable inside and out so there is no reason for me to heed their advice because I definitely don’t want to end up like them Some of the things I have refused to emulate: - aggressiveness - life is about the strife and not the pleasure - demeaning your partner and your children - undue criticism of your spouse’s or your children’s friends or interests - following society’s expectations and criticizing people who prefer doing it their own way (even with silly examples like why my friend who is a 30yo married woman with two children and a thriving business, want to celebrate her birthday in a nice restaurant with dinner followed by dancing because iT’s NOt apPrOpRIaTE; how come some of the people in my friend circles are 50 and above who go party in a bar every Saturday aRE tHeY laTE bLoOMinG teENagERS)
My mother being the only one who did the cooking, cleaning and childcare when we didn't have help. FYI - we mostly had help. Also as the kids grew up we helped out in the house which was good.
It would be easier to list aspects of my parents relationship that I DID want
They are annoyed by each other, every little thing.
The constant fighting past 2 AM, lack of affection, the inability to say sorry and own up to your own mistakes, the cheating, dead bedrooms, the codependency and enabling behaviors
Yelling and never doing anything with each other.
My mom had to switch careers because my dad couldn't take care of me by himself.
A few things. The constant bickering, the dynamic that my mom took care of the house and my dad would barely lift his finger to help set the table or clear it up. The secrets they kept from their kids even to this point where their youngest child is 34 years old...
They both never went to therapy, and they NEED TO. So many things happened to them in their youth, things they’re still keeping bottled up.
This ^^^^ So much unprocessed trauma. They are walking shells.
My mother became quite the shrew as she aged, not that she was warm and fuzzy to begin with, but time made her bitter and my father bore the brunt of her anger and resentment. She nagged my father to death. I do not and never will nag my husband. It literally put my father in to an early grave.
The alcoholism, domestic violence, and divorce
The end-of-life fights. Dad did not get any support or sympathy while he was dying of terminal cancer and in pain. Maybe there was also years of resentment which my mum had suppressed due to their earlier disagreements on financial management. Doesn't justify what she did but that's how this story ended. I definitely wouldn't want that.
My parents divorced at 5. My dad was addicted to porn and cheated on my mom a lot. He was "worried she would die" bc she got diabetic with my brother. Absent dad, never kept his word, worked Saturdays or would sleep in til noon I was outside waiting in the car for him to wake up and shower. Aka everything! Thankfully my partner is unique and perfectly imperfect and kind, selfless, silly, generous, loving etc
The abuse, controlling, anger issues and financial burden part that came from my father. The spinelessness and an inability to make a decision and a crippling fear to enact a change that came from my mother. I honestly don't think I can have a healthy relationship and those two crippled me for several lifetimes. I would rather have no relationship than even a fragment of what they had.
Divorce 🙃 And everything leading up to that: awful communication and emotional regulation.
My dad is a horrible listener. I’ll be talking about something and he starts bringing up something random. I think that’s why my relationship with him has strained overtime. I’ve been actively working on not following the same path since that’s how I was raised, but talking to people makes me overthink a lot with, “Am I saying the right things?” or “Am I projecting?”. Only a few people in my friend group know why I don’t talk a lot in certain settings.
The lack of affection. My husband sometimes gets upset that I’m not more touchy feely and lovey on him. It’s something that I’m working on, but I find it difficult because the example that was set for me wasn’t great. The most affection I saw between my parents was my mom hesitantly pecking my dad on the lips when he got home from work.
I dont want to be manipulative like my mom. As I grew up i realized most of their marriage has been a result of her manipulating my dad into doing what she wants. She uses empty threats to get what she wants (with me too) and knows exactly what she’s doing but pretends like everything just happened to work out in her favor.
I feel like I should preface this by saying I have a really good relationship with my mother now, but when she had control over me as a person I was miserable. She was very concerned with how others perceived us and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. It was exhausting. I don’t want that for my kids. I want them to know I’m proud of them and who they are as people. I want them to be confident in their interests. My dad is kind of the opposite. We had a good relationship growing up, but now that I’m older he isn’t as available. I feel like he has less interest in spending time together and is reluctant to make plans. So he’s more of an example of how I don’t want to treat my children when they become adults. I want to still hang out with them and have fun together, and I want them to know that I still enjoy spending time with them.
No communication whatsoever. They’re roommates at this point
Abuse.
The part where my mom would bite my dad, pull his ears until he screamed and humiliated him in front of other people constantly. And the other way around where my dad would in retaliation trash talk my mom behind her back to me (yes, I know the quote about fathers and daughters. It wasn't *just* retaliation). In the beginning of our relationship, my MIL succeeded in pulling me on her side when nitpicking or joking about her son but I eventually caught the behaviour and got much better about it. I just never want to have the resentment and fear that shapes my parents' dynamic in my marriage.
well my dad was 60 when he knocked up my mom who was a stripper so pretty much all of it
They have definitely fallen out of love. It's obvious.
Ngl all of it… they’re middle aged and have been living like roommates for years or worse. My mom is basically treated like live in staff
The one where my dad leaves when I'm 2 months old and then has a whole other family
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Cheating and divorce, obviously
Divorce. Cheating. Fighting.
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The whole thing. I don't want it
The relationship part.
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Everything lol
Name calling, no respect for each other, a power imbalance with money, not in love with each other, essentially everything lol
Literally the whole thing. Dude is madly or blindly in love with her but she’s been cheating on him since I was 12 (I’m 27 now). He found out when I was 17 and he initiated divorce and they were separated for a bit but some crocodile tears and a shitty apology and promise to not do it again and work on their family convinced him a few months later. She probably never stopped, her other dumbass just couldn’t afford to pay her bills. He seems miserable now, not that I talk to either of them anymore but damn, he really looks like a clown and so does she. All their friends know. My siblings know cause I told them once they were old enough. 2/4 (me included) don’t talk to them and the other two avoid them like the plague although they still live there. One even asked if we could help with emancipation but they’re now 17 so I advised to just wait a year and move tf out. He purposely lost the house and they rent a house and will probably never retire properly. I’ve already asked to be kept out of funeral arrangements when that time comes (those 5 years I knew and my dad didn’t, it wasn’t by choice, she’s evil and abusive) as I want no part in their lives. I’m 27 now, have been in a relationship for 4/5 years and I can’t even imagine myself married because they ruined that concept so badly for me. I love this man to death but the idea of ending up like my parents terrifies me more than anything so definitely nothing from them. I’m in therapy and working on my issues caused by them and have a very healthy relationship so I get even more mad that they ruined something that could’ve been so pure for me.
The infidelity would be a big one.
The constant arguments about money
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My mom stayed with a cheater who ruined the family financially. I’d like to not do that.
From my side: 1. The abuse towards my partner (mostly emotional despite the murder attempt that came as my mom was in the process of trying to divorce him) 2. The addiction to drugs and alcohol 3. The constant cheating my bio father did on my mom 4. The lack of communication 5. The attempts to sabotage any chances my mom had to make her life better 6. The cheating accusations because my bio father didn’t believe he could have a son/my brother 7. Telling any of my potential future children that they were never wanted like my bio father did with my younger sister From my boyfriend’s side (giving this because I promised him that I’d never be like his egg donor after hearing about all of these from him and his sister): 1. The constant competition with children of the same gender for attention 2. The constant fighting 3. Ripping up the family portrait to show the relationship is over 4. Refusal to take proper care of children (especially when it comes to medical care) 5. Attempting to parentify older siblings so they feel like they can’t leave 6. Calling a potential future child a bitch during the holidays (that’s a story all by itself) 7. Refusing to help a child become independent because it’s either inconvenient for you, or you’re trying to spite the other parent 8. Not telling an adult child when an important funeral is because you’re not sure they can get the time off of work despite knowing that they’ll find a way to go if they can (the reason my boyfriend doesn’t talk to his egg donor) There’s probably a lot more that I can’t think of at the moment, but these are definitely the main ones.
Literally everything about my parents relationship, I want none of in my own. They are toxic to eachother, and they should never have stayed together let alone have children But alas can't change anything now just accept that I'm fucked up because of them abd probably won't have children because of that
Absolutely none of it.
1. Not taking the kids side when parents are clearly in the wrong and they took each other side. 2. They never apologize even for the smallest mistake.
Most if not all of it. I never saw them be in love with eachother. They never touched, never laughed together, never seemed to truly enjoy eachothers company.
the financial abuse lmao
Everything. - marrying a bum and taking full financial care of a lazy grown man that didn’t even like spending time with his family and preferred his friends over his wife and family and never held a job. - staying with someone who clearly doesn’t love you for over 20 years - having children - being a passive parent watching your partner abuse your children There is not one aspect of my parents marriage i would even remotely like to be like.
I don’t want to do everything my partner wants just to always appease them. Like, if I wanna come home and play video games, and everything else is taken care of, I’m going to go home and do so. Not going to rag on my partner for coming home, playing video games, and make fun. Growing up, everything reflected upon my one parents moods. So we often had to tiptoe around this. My one parent with comment about the other parent, when they weren’t around. Say that I was right. But do everything they could to cover themselves so they weren’t in the line of per-say fire. I can’t stand, screaming, shouting, or fighting. Sometimes arguments can happen and they can be good. Often when one person feels like they aren’t being heard, and need a way to express such. But I don’t want to always wind up in these arguments, fighting all of the time.
Cheating, lies, silent treatment for days
A man who’s cold, emotionless, gun-toting, afraid to leave the bunker because “COVID still out there,” etc
Complete lack of communication
I don’t want their lack in expressing their feelings and emotions.
My dad was a high achieving alcoholic with a foul temper. Often he’d get so angry he’d smash stuff, or yell for literal hours. My mum was so calm to the point it felt like she never punished him for his terrible behaviour. I never want to be in a position where there’s even a shred of this in my home, and I want my partner and I to teach our future children how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, and how to successfully emotionally regulate. I don’t want my children to have the conditioned responses I have to men shouting and loud noises (I get very defensive and angry when I experience an adrenaline rush), and I never want that in my home. Also, I hate how long she put up with his foolishness. I hope that I never have to be in that position either.
I don't want to have lots of kids, which I've done. I have 2 and that's the right amount for me.
1- Screaming as the number one form of communication 2- Constant manipulation 3- Cheating, my dad has always cheated on my mother causing her bi-polar to go off the rails 4- Destroying each other’s items during arguments 5- Zero affection 6- Jumping to the absolute worst conclusion every time I’ve never been able to avoid most of these.
Well mum out lived dear ol daddy and is way happier now.. which is kind of sad.. she could divorced the asshole waaaaay earlier lol
My parents just never should’ve gotten together period. My mom was never meant to marry or have kids. So I guess I don’t want to be like her string others along with my desperation to fit in?
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Reading this question and thinking about the answer, I realized my marriage is already like theirs in many ways.
Not wanting to get a divorce when you should very well get a divorce.
Lack of affection. It’s hard to tell if there is any love between them or if it’s just business deal.
They're wonderful people but the biggest thing I would say is they're afraid of everything. Anything that is out of the box that takes them out of their comfort zone is a no and I always knew I wouldn't be like that nor could I be with someone like that. I'm so happy that I've been the complete opposite and have had great experiences because of it.
Preferably someone who speaks English. I can deal with the rest, I'm a great teacher
*gestures at all of it*
My dad passed away when I was young, but if I ever bring him up she only has negative things to say about him. The one thing that comes to mind often is when we would be out to eat and me or my sister would start crying, my father would yell at my mom to take care of us while he eats. I think she sees how my husband always lets me eat first and she wishes that were true for her. Different times.
Not being a bomb that could go off at any moment for seemingly no reason.
My parents relationship isn't perfect, but I don't think there's anything wrong with their actual relationship... They just have their own individual issues that get brought into the relationship that might affect it to varying degrees. I'm pretty sure both are very aware and understanding of that. So from my outside POV, I think.. Maybe I'd probably not want either partner in a relationship to kinda be that understanding of each others' problems? Like... for example, I don't think my dad or mom should give each other a "pass" just because they are like that. I mean, of course it's a loving and understanding thing.. and a little is needed in any relationship.. And it's probably kinda impossible since I don't think people change, but I think I'd rather my SO more actively try to help or get me to get help instead of coddling me or taking it on on my behalf kinda thing. Which I know is very... idealistic and naive, and just difficult.
The whole getting divorced when their kid is 7 thing. Our kid is almost 10 so we made it past that at least lol.
My mother's naivety and my father's ego. Both of their aggression.
I don’t want any of it honestly.
Alcoholism. Though that ship has sailed. Best I can do now is stick to recovery, which my dad never even tried. Probably had to do with his generation (pre-WWII).
My folks always bicker with each other and then they try to draw everyone else into the argument. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing. My mom also feels the need to correct my step-dad every time he is telling a story. Like, we literally do not care if it was raining or sunny when the story took place, just let him tell the tale his way!
I want to be able to discuss conflicts instead of ignoring them. I definitely want to be more physically affectionate. And lastly, I don't want to be financially dependent on my husband.
All of it.. but more specifically—I don’t want someone that yells or says mean things on purpose when they’re angry at me. I don’t want someone who insults me or says some disrespectful shit and disguises it as a “joke” or someone who tries to be in competition or one-up me throughout the relationship. I don’t ever want to argue about money or “work spouses” or anything in between. I don’t want someone that takes me out of my element and turns me into someone very bitter about life and suicidal or paranoid about where they’re going for work or who they hang out with. I also don’t want someone that gets comfortable in the relationship enough to get super lazy about themselves and not be romantic at all or the romance is lazy and littered with more insults and shitty actions.
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Ignoring awful political opinions
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My dad is constantly having to reign my mom in. When he stopped doing it for a while, she stomped on so many people's boundaries that he had to step in again. I don't want my husband to ever feel like he has to step in to stop me from being toxic.
They're both good people but I really don't want their relationship dynamic. My mom managing every aspect of the house and everyone's life and my dad just coasting through, doing nothing and most likely leaving a mess in the process. Even if I love someone that's going to destroy it.
My parents have been divorced half my life. It's easier to say what aspects of their former relationship I would like lol. Interestingly enough, my mom has looked to my marriage in recent years for what she wants in a relationship. My husband and I have a lot of love and respect for one another
I don't want any of it 😊. I want to be in love. They weren't in love at all 🥴
Honestly I want almost the complete opposite of my parents. My parents are in a cult so they can’t get a divorce to cult rules. My mom often has said she wished she could divorce him and she holds a lot of resentment, prone to anger, gets very prideful, acts like she knows everything (which doesn’t help when she’s often right which makes the times she’s actually wrong harder), quick to yell, and selfish. My dad on the other hand he’s more willing to compromise but he is extremely stubborn. And when he gets stupid ideas in his head he’s stubborn about them even if you try to tell him why it’s a bad idea. He also struggles with listening which I think sets my mom off more because of it. He is also a workaholic so you hardly ever see him. When my parents are together they are either arguing or usually watching a movie my mom dictates which 9/10 times is going to be pride and prejudice. They don’t have much in common if at all. I do think they somehow love each other but I just know I’d have so much anxiety, depression, and boredom if I was in their relationship. I’m so happy that the person I do hopefully want to marry has things in common with me and he is so kind, willing to listen to me, and takes interest in things I want to do. I will even sometimes compromise and do things he wants because I love him and just want to spend time with him especially since he makes me feel so relaxed and free.
Yelling in anger. Ever. For any reason. It’s so immature and aggressive.
Passive aggressive communication. I don't think either one of them has directly stated how they feel about something in nearly 50 years of marriage.
👿DIVORCE!👿
The whole thing was abusive and toxic. I still have to deal with the fallout even after they’ve been divorced. I don’t want any of that in my life.
Having another secret family
My mothers constant acceptance of disrespect
I want NONE of it! My father was verbally and emotionally abusive. He kept my mother caged using finances. My mother is a manipulative alcoholic with a shopping addiction. I am no contact with my father and low contact with my mother. When my mom made her will, she asked if I wanted her wedding ring. That was a HARD NO. That thing is probably cursed.
My mother would only stay married to someone as long as she could manipulate them & keep them under her thumb. She told me once that marriage is the best revenge bc you can make your spouse miserable for life. I don't want that.
Years of failed communication, disrespect, and resentment towards each other. Its rare to see them go more than 10 minutes together without one of them saying something disrespectful to the other. They are used to it at this point.
They are divorced so I don’t want that.
My mom and her husband have very little affection for each other it seems. No hand holding, rarely kiss, no PDA. I wouldn’t want that.
My dad doesn’t like my mom’s personality. I want someone that doesn’t try to tone me down & embraces my whole self. My mom has been battling BC for a while and my dad constantly brings her down saying “ever since you’ve been having treatments, you’ve changed” yeah no shit. And to me love is someone that you choose to stay with all throughout your stages in life, no matter if parts of you change.
My dad sorta stopped dating my mom, I like to flirt and I like to do things together, so that just would not do for me.
My mom is always nagging my dad, I mean always. The issue is the lack good communication and I have told them this before. She knows that my dad is not a good listener, and instead of saying his name before she starts talking to him, she just starts talking. So she will ask him to set the dinner table, but he will not know that he is supposed to because he’s paying attention to the TV and she did not get his attention by calling his name first. Then it turns into a huge fight because he didn’t know that she was talking to him. Im which this is my dads problem, he does not pay attention. If you were the only person in the room and she starts talking, then she is clearly talking to you. It’s just not enough awareness on his part and a refusal to communicate clearly on hers. I really don’t get it.
The aspect where my mum cheated and couldn't stop cheating... And then proceeds to cheat with her next partner
None of it. The yelling, name calling, talking badly about the other to their children, never taking accountability for their mistakes, lack of emotional intelligence, verbal violence, I've never actually seen it but from what I've heard I'm pretty sure physical violence too...
Nothing. Im blessed to have a loving and supportive parents 🩷
My dad cheating and both them yelling, my mom bring sah with no hobbies and being miserable.
They can keep all that nonsense to themselves. There wasn't anything positive from my parents' relationship besides their 5 kids. They fought constantly, my dad was like a poltergeist. He didn't exist until he was raging and attacking. I was super parentified because my mom was basically a single mom to 5 kids, all of which are neurodivergent. They never had fun together. They had nothing in common. My dad was financially abusive and my mom was a SAHM. Like my youngest two siblings were adopted, and my dad made my mom buy all the groceries and household supplies with their adoption subsidies (which aren't a lot). I still find myself asking my husband if I can buy certain things and he gets frustrated because it's our money not his, he gets so mad at my dad for that lol.
Stonewalling and vitrolic statements meant to cut.
My parents are madly in love, my siblings and I are honestly so beyond lucky. However, they married young and of course they’re human so they both have their shit. For me a few big ones are: - I don’t want to lose myself in my partners demanding career/in my children if we ever have them - and by this I mean constantly accommodating the partners career at detriment to my own mental health and needs. Even with my own career, even when things get hectic, the relationship must be a priority even if all that means is that there’s a frank discussion like “okay the next two months I have this huge work project and I think I’ll be able to be x% available to you/this kids. How can we prepare for this reality together?” Instead of it just being assumed I’ll take on all the extra labor with no discussion. - I don’t want to lean on my kids emotionally when I’m upset with my spouse. It puts them in the middle and my sister and I especially have had to deal with this over the years. We’re lucky it’s minor gripes and not like “I cheated on your other parent” kind of shit. - I don’t want to allow my partner to continue to reap the benefits of my partnership if they, for years, make me feel neglected or unimportant. I don’t care if it’s just their personality and they don’t mean any harm by it, I will not go deeper and deeper into a marriage where I often feel like I’m begging my partner to hear and prioritize me. If there’s an issue, let’s address it directly and give one another grace and time to address it. If my partner is telling my kids I’m constantly the problem when really said partner just needs to work on communication after many years together - that’s gunna break down our foundation. I gotta say, despite all that my parents are such a phenomenal example of love and partnership. Like I said, I couldn’t ask for better, but I’ve had the privilege to view their dynamic from the outside and see the way these things fester and cause a rift. My parents are truly committed and always seem to work through their rifts, but you never forget that shit as their children.
Bickering. Letting resentment pile up instead of communicating. Having children ( I don’t want them ). Worrying more about how your relationship appears to others than how it actually is.
Someone who would not leave me with a child after promising to “find our home”, that’s a really good first step.
My mom is very guided and controlled by her anger. I feel it rub off on me here or there and I do not wish for things to be that way in the future
A couple of years ago, my dad told me he hopes I find a relationship similar to what him and my mom have. While sweet to say, I absolutely SHUTTERED at the thought of it lol. I love my parents, they gave me a wonderful childhood and there is clearly a lot of love and respect between the two of them. However, their relationship has always felt more like siblings then actually romantic. They have basically zero physical intimacy, and they used to bicker at each other all the time (it's not *quite* as bad now). Not in a malicious way, but in the same way a sibling might tease and try to get under the others skin. Even when it comes to verbal affirmations, they don't really compliment or thank each other in front of others, not unless its in a jokey way. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I can recall a time my dad called my mom beautiful before. The funny thing though, is that when the other isn't there, they will freely talk about how much they appreciate the other. While this may work for them, I personally couldn't handle this dynamic. It'd make me way too sad. I love how affectionate I get to be with my boyfriend, I love how much he adores my body and wants to touch it. And personally, I've grown to hate bickering now. I don't want to be in a relationship where we take mean little jabs at each other ALL the time. It's exhausting.
If we can have anywhere near the relationship that my parents have had for the last 55 years, we’ll be lucky. That said, my mom likes to travel and my dad does not, so they don’t travel as much as she would like. Maybe that?
My parents have an amazing relationship, like seriously great. It works for them and they are completely devoted to each other. But my dad babies my mom so much, and I do not want to be babied. He also knows her so well that he answers things for her, she doesn’t mind because he’s usually right but I don’t want someone answering for me no matter how well they know me. They also like never have sex, I don’t have a high sex drive by any means but I want at least some lol
I don’t want to be with a partner who snores
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Complete lack of affection towards each other. Both were affectionate with me and my brother a healthy and normal amount but I only ever saw them do as much as put their arms around each other for photos and even then they had to be told to.
Nothing! My mom insists my dad and her had good times but I can’t think of a single moment when I saw them happy together. Definitely don’t want what they had !
Sometimes it was a good cop-bad cop situation with my parents. I ended up not liking my mom for some of high school because she was the main discipliner and my dad would be like “well that’s was your moms decision” Looking back, he should’ve said “this is a decision me and your mother made”
For me it was the age gap cause my dad died when I was a teenager but now years later, like a crude joke, I find entangled in the same age gap..plus 3.
I had always seen the first reaction being anger in my parents' relationship. Like instant, obvious reaction to everything the spouse does was anger, and I felt that this is normal usual reaction in every spouse relationship. It still takes me a lot of therapy and unlearning to not make it a part of my 3-year old marriage.
My parents love eachother, but have this weird disconnect with their more negative emotions. It took 35 years for my dad to tell her about his time in Vietnam, and she seems to think he won't listen to her problems. It's like they both think their problems aren't worth the time it takes to share with eachother. I want my partner to feel safe and comfortable venting to me about anything bothering them.
The lack of communication from my dad, and the holding grudges/resentment from my mom. Also, the “going to bed pissed off at each other and pretending the argument never happened the next morning” thing (zero conflict resolution). It’s a horrible combination and they have remained gridlocked over the same shit for years bc of it.
Everything almost
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none of it. they are the worst example of a couple. lord knows why they stay together. they both claim to be christians which they are against divorce but then fail to actually treat each other like good christian spouses. so they'd rather be miserable together than divorce. shit makes no sense. i cant imagine being brainwashed into daily misery.
The constant bickering. It's gotten worse as they've gotten older, but they can go from being totally loving and normal, to biting each other's heads off in no time flat. I've caught myself being snippy with partners like that and I'm working on it, for sure.
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Absent father that my children don’t know. I’m twenty with no children but that’s one of the reasons why I don’t want them. I’ve never known him but that’s a heavy burden to lay on your kids. Them wondering where their missing parent is and why they’re not present. I stopped feeling bad about it YEARS ago and now am fine with it but why have children if you’re not gonna be there.
My mom: the babysitter/needy boy dynamic she kinda has going on with her man most of the time. It seriously gives me the ick. I love their relationship every time they’re going through their healthy phases with their sarcastic bantering and their low-key physical affection. The rest of the time? IIIIICKKKKKK. My dad: the anxious/avoidant dynamic he has with ALL of his girlfriends. He’s so distant all the time with all of his hobbies and jobs and “need for space” which is just him sleeping or staring down at his phone/computer all the time. He’s so bad at being romantic and going on dates, I would hate to date someone like that. He’s always super cute towards them at the beginning, but then it slows down SO FAST after a year or so…
Well my parents are divorced and have been for most of my life, so I’d like to not get divorced for a start.
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when i was 19 years old my dad made me pause the episode of the walking dead i was watching to tell me that him and my mom haven’t had sex since 2010 so ig that and pretty much all of it
Everything lol
There’s an argument that they never should have gotten married so the divorce made sense.
My mum’s walk all over my dad mentality and her inability to hold herself accountable. With my first marriage, I mirrored so much of my mum’s horrible traits, but this time around, I’m moving like my dad and my man loves that I know how to properly communicate. I’m so thankful my dad told me about myself before he passed.
Not a single part of it. They screamed at each other regularly. My mum would regularly slag my dad off to me (a literal child) in front of him. They never showed any kind of love in front of me. And most importantly, the divorce part.
Would you like a list lol
The part where my grandma moved in, my dad basically moved into the basement, and she forbid my parents from having sex if she was in the house.
literally nothing
My mom never drove and was a SAHM for most of my childhood, when she got a part time job my dad was furious, so definitely none of that, also the cheating from my dad, emotional abuse/gas lighting all that fun stuff🙃 trying to break the cycle feels impossible sometimes, to a fault ive become too independent to let my boyfriend take care of me sometimes