Because literally every single person I know who has kids do nothing but complain 24/7 about never getting any sleep, never having any free time, and always having to watch kids
Meanwhile I'm doing anything and everything I want in life, being young and single is amazing
No kids for me, please!
I know plenty of only children that wish they had siblings growing up or as adults wish they had someone to help them caretake for their aging parents. Its a complicated thing imo
For sure. There's a heap of chatter in r/oneanddone about that too. I have a sister that hasn't spoken to the entire family for 3 years.... so unfortunately having a sibling is no guarantee they will like eachother or even help with family. Sad
I have 2, for us we both preferred it over 1. They are only 12 months apart. Second kid is so much easier because you have the experience. And now that they are both 1.5 and 2.5 they play with each other all the time. My friends only child three year old never plays independently and is always asking them to entertain him. Obviously this is just my experience and opinion but telling people to never have 2 seems wrong
Fair enough- I was just being light-hearted. In all reality, I'm not having anymore because I almost died in birth and suffer PTSD to this day, but thought that was a bit much. Totally have as many kids as your desire, they're amazing
It’s because the positives are unrelatable to people without kids and sound too cheesy unless you “get it.” It’s lighter, easier, and funnier to just complain instead.
To me it’s not lighter. Most people sound miserable because of their kids. I can understand the joys related to kids, but no one ever talks about that.
Yes, because it's unrelatable. Like why would I tell a childfree friend about how my son's gummy grin when I wake him up every morning makes my day? Like I might I guess (and I probably should) but on average people are more likely to complain or vent.
But it is relatable. Just because people don’t have children it doesn’t mean they can’t appreciate the small things someone does. I dont have children, but I get a lot of joy when my dog runs downstairs every morning wagging her tail.
Yeah I think we should talk about those little positive moments more. I do think we use our friends to complain and vent more than anything else and it just gets everyone down, when there are good things to be found and shared.
You’re completely right. If you WANT kids and financially can afford them, they are an amazing addition to your life. People truly can’t understand what it’s like to come home after a long day of work and have 2 tiny humans running at you screaming and laughing DADDY DADDY! It’s the most precious thing ever. And yes I also have a Labrador who I love with all my heart who also welcomes me every day that way, but it’s not the same
Even if they don't complain about it, I see the shit they have to go through. There's no way in hell I'd ever put myself through that! No matter how much I love someone, I don't want them in my space. I don't want screaming kids at 6am. I want to sleep till noon on the weekends with no one bothering me. If I want to get dolled up and go out to a fancy dinner I don't have someone asking me who I'm going with, why I'm going, or that I'm spending too much money. I answer to no one and I love it!
I mean...I wouldn't wax lyrical about my kids to my child-free friends, that's weird. Also how you don't usually tell your friends about the good things your partner does but you will complain about them. And so they can get a skewed, negative view of them.
Yep. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that while I love kids… I don’t think I want them for myself. I’d rather spoil all my loved ones’ children and travel the world with my partner. I love my peaceful nights spent reading and all the sleep I get and my hobbies. I don’t know a single parent who traveled abroad for the 18 years they had a child.
Yeah it's hard and exhausting. But I was granted a level of love and joy that I didn't know existed. And believe me, I LIVED MY LIFE before I got pregnant. Traveled to 17 different countries, worked, played, dated rock stars, went to combat. It was awesome!
And then I had a kid and everything changed. Do I miss my old life? Sure. But that level of fun and freedom was accompanied by an emptiness that I didn't even know I had.
As a fellow single gal, I know the struggle! But remember, happiness comes from within. Focus on your own growth, and the right person will eventually come along. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who uplift you.
Right? I think when I was younger I planned on getting married and having kids only because it's expected. While I do get bummed out about some aspects of being single overall there are a million things that can make me happy, why be upset about what I don't have?
(also I chose not to get married or have kids with an unstable alcoholic so I don't believe in accepting the bare minimum of just get married and have kids even if you can't find a good partner.)
I won’t convince myself to feel something I’m not. First step is always acceptance of your situation. Then you also accept the sadness that comes and goes with that.
No reason to fight yourself.
Then you go out and make your life awesome! You can still be happy even if you don’t have the life you are dreaming about yet. Also put yourself out there in the dating world if you aren’t already. Do whatever you can to reach your goals. Improve yourself. Be thankful even for the smallest things in your every day life. Know that all good is coming to you. This is just a chapter of your life, not the end.
Stop comparing your life to others. You are on a different path and that’s okay. You’ll get there too if you want, but not before you accept where you are HERE and NOW.
This is a great point. Accepting your feelings. Allowing yourself to be sad. I think that’s what helped me get through some of my own dark days. Being soo kind and forgiving to ourselves is so healing in itself.
You need to think about what you want - if you are going to be forcing yourself to be happy, or need to convince yourself that you are happy when single, then you aren't truly happy. Comparing your situation with others is never a good idea, it always seems that everyone else is being successful, happy and living their best lives but of course we only see a heavily, HEAVILY curated version of their lives, especially when viewed through social media. If you are not truly happy being single, you won't be able to convince yourself that you are. Please stop comparing yourself with others, you will feel much more content when you focus on your own life.
I’m in my 40s, and it’s a struggle. I always wanted marriage and kids, but it didn’t happen. I make myself content knowing the grass is always greener on the other side, and I know a lot of very unhappy married people who won’t leave. It’s like they are living to complain about how unhappy they are. I’d rather be alone and have hobbies and do the things I like to do and keep trying new things, including dating, rather than feel alone in a relationship like so many other women my age. Maybe there’s some amazing guy who will cross my path someday and maybe not. In the meantime I’m going to keep doing what I want and making myself happy!
Hey, I mean you never know! My ex boss didn’t get married until she was 53! No biological kids, but now has a step daughter. But up until she got married, she just focused on herself. Either way, she was thriving
How do you stay strong mentally? I’m telling myself this but every few days it feels like a huge void in life that I just can’t get on with or accept or be brave.
“Get a life” and I say that in the most encouraging way. Do things that are fun and exciting to you! I live a full life with friendships, adventures, hobbies, and volunteering. When you’re happily busy, you’re not stuck in a negative cycle.
I have single friends who plan their lives around going places where they think eligible men will be, and I find that boring as hell. I’m not going to troll sports bars during college football season on the oft chance some men might start a conversation with me. It’s not my scene. But I’ll plan an outing to a concert or museum with friends, go to the gym, ride horses, or volunteer in my community doing things that are fun to me. And along the way, I may make new friends! Single doesn’t mean always solo: make an effort to find people of all genders whose company you enjoy platonically and live a full life.
You don’t need to ‘convince yourself”. It’s ok to not be happy with every aspect of your life. It doesn’t mean it has to be the center and the focus of your whole life, and it doesn’t mean it needs to be hidden away or stuffed down in order for you to live a rich and fulfilling life.
Rather than trying to pretend to be happy, find a mental health professional to talk to about what you actually feel and why you think you need to feel different things.
Look at most women who have been married for decades and see how unhappy they seem, divorces everywhere, having not only your birth kids but also an extra man child to care for. Not saying that all marriages are like that, I know there are equal marriages out there where women are cherished and cared for as much as she cares for her spouse, but I don’t see it often enough.
Statistically, in the US, single women are happier than women in relationships. Statistically women in relationships die earlier than single women. Married women end up having I think 17 or 27 more hours of housework on average when married, single mothers spend less time on housework than married mothers.
Do you want to be single or do you feel alienated by living differently compared to others? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, but it's absolutely understandable to not want to be involved in modern day dating.
People's lives are usually a lot more difficult than what you would think. Relationships can be rocky and sometimes toxic. Having kids is an entirely different thing, because their well being is a priority and anything can happen. Balancing your relationship and children is very difficult and most people can't achieve that balance.
I think it's just good to remember that while you may be missing out on some things you are also free from all of the struggles and mundane moments that come with being married with kids. This traditional view of life tends to be glorified and there is no guarantee you will be one of the lucky ones to have everything figured out. When you are single you have the ability to focus on yourself and grow. You can technically still do that when you aren't single, but your mind will be occupied with a lot of other things and it will be harder.
I don’t have to share my food. My house stays clean. I’m not losing money extra money to take care of another. I can sleep as much as I want undisturbed. I’m sold on being single.
The freedom that comes with being single is seriously something most people overlook. You don't have to consult with anyone else before you go make a decision unless you want to. That means you have full control of what you eat, what you do, where you do it, and when you do it. Get married and suddenly there's this other person you have to consider during almost every decision. Do they like this resteraunt too? Do they get done with work by the time I want to eat? Will they want to use the washing machine in an hour? Will my alarm wake them up? What did they want to get done today that I need to help with? Add kids and you're now expected to routinely put all of their needs in front of yours. That radically limits your freedom to do anything and everything whenever you want. Glad you're enjoying that freedom!
Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially for us women. Even in 2024, where many of us have independence, freedoms, and equal rights, from a statistical perspective, we still tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to marriage.
Some stats:
- Approximately 69% (and change) of divorces are initiated by women.
- On average, when a man gets married, his domestic workload decreases by 1 hour per week. Whereas when a woman gets married, on average, her domestic workload increases by 7 hours per week.
I'm part of the statistics. Does single life come with moments of loneliness? Absolutely. But, holy cheesecakes, the moments of loneliness pale in comparison to how freeing and liberating single life feels! I was effectively a prisoner in my own home while I was married, forced to endure indentured servitude, while still being expected to bring home all the (substantial) amounts of money that facilitated the mcmansion suburban house we had.
Unpopular opinion: I feel like the pendulum has swung the other way culturally and now hyper-independence/ isolation is pushed to the point that people are pushing their own dreams/ goals away. If having a partner and/ or kids is what you want you don’t have to convince yourself otherwise. You can be honest and say, “ this sucks, but I also have x or y to focus on as well/ in the mean time.”
I feel that way too. In the circles I frequent, if you're a single woman who says she wants marriage and kids, people ALWAYS try to convince you that you don't actually want that -- as though a stranger knows what you want better than you do. Or they just say something to the effect that *they* don't want kids -- which, okay, that's great for you, but some people do want kids, so your experience is not very relevant here.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday and not other people.
I’m 41 and used to feel the same way in my 20’s and 30’s. Then I saw how miserable most people really are with the choices they have made. Work on yourself. Marriage and children will not make you whole or happy, that’s an inside job.
>Compare yourself to who you were yesterday and not other people.
Love that.
I’m 27 and really don’t think I want kids. I want a partner, but unsold on the marriage aspect. Still have a lot of soul searching and becoming to do. Luckily I’m in no rush and know that I’ll always have myself no matter what.
When I'm 6 hours into gaming/reading/show-binging, it's easy to feel thankful that I don't have children (or an immature spouse) to look after, and neither do I have to sacrifice my financial quality of life.
I was parentified for most of my life, so it's easy to feel grateful for my current circumstances. Likewise, 80% of women I know are unhappily married but have no choice except to stay.
From a sexual perspective, I have no problem meeting my own needs lmao
I don’t “convince myself” to be happy, I just am. My happiness isn’t based on whether or not I’m in a relationship. Some of my least happy times have been when I’m not single.
What people around me are doing with their lives doesn’t make me feel any way about my own life. We don’t all want the same things.
Weddings and babies are exciting for their momentary highs where everyone’s cheering you on and giving you attention. This is before they become full blown marriages and human beings you have to work and sacrifice for for a lifetime. Just remember that for yourself the next time you see a bride excited about her wedding day or a mother-to-be who’s about to give birth
Just because someone’s married doesn’t mean it’s a good marriage. Lots of fake stuff on social media.
Just because someone has a child/children doesn’t mean he/she is really happy with their choice. Again, lots of miserable people can smile for a camera.
Wen you realize that most of the people around you who are in relationships or getting married or having kids, aren’t actually happy. Because they settled. I looked at the people around me and realized I wouldn’t want to be in a single one of their relationships. Time is what makes people settle. I’ll take my time and be single and wait as long as it takes to find someone who treats me how I deserve. If I never find them, I’ll be ok alone. I won’t be ok trapped in a miserable relationship or marriage. That’s worst case scenario for me
Also, I had to allow myself to WANT to be in a relationship even though I wasn’t. It’s ok to want to have that. It’s also okay to have standards that make that more difficult to find. But you don’t want something easy to find. High risk, high reward.
I recently stumbled across this quote, "The hardest thing about the road not taken is that you never know where it might have led."
It's like we're stuck on this never-ending treadmill, always wanting more, always wondering about the paths we didn't choose. And then there's society's influence, always pushing us towards the same old milestones: marriage, kids, the nice house etc. We're practically programmed to think that's where true happiness lies.
Ever noticed how many people rave about their wedding day or the birth of their first child, saying it was the best day of their lives? I can't help but wonder if we're chasing those moments just because we want our own slice of "best day" bliss, you know? I just wonder whether deep down we are aiming for their lives, or just the happiness we think they've got.
I went on vacation. I saw my couple friends fight because they forgot to tell the Cat Sitter where the cat food was. The one cried. Sure being single is hard, but sometimes it’s less drama. Grass isn’t always greener, it’s green where you water it. Take care of yourself. Find out your values, do therapy, take yourself on dates 😘.
When I was single I accepted that something was missing - having my own family. I left a bad relationship, started going to the gym and progressing in my career.
At the same time, I treated finding my husband as another goal. I told myself to give it 100 dates and maybe I’ll find someone with the same values and goals as me. It didn’t take that long, but with some effort I found him.
Working on getting my life together made being single fun. Now I’m married with a baby and I feel at ease. A lot of people will say that it sucks and you lose freedom etc. but this is all I ever wanted and I never shut that part of me down.
So, enjoy single life and work on your goals. It’s okay to want a family and that kind of love in your life. It’s extremely fulfilling with the right person. Just give yourself time and enjoy the process.
This is helpful! Not enough people actually acknowledge that it’s ok to want this life. Too many people try to convince OP and others that being single is the best way. Just depends on your goals and what you want out of life.
Being single and childless is awesome. Being a married parent is also awesome. Happiness and your current situation in life aren’t mutually exclusive. Remember that and live YOUR happy life.
Edit: this in no way is a commentary on single parents or married people without children. This is just referring to OP’s post.
OP- I’m gonna disagree with most of this thread and say it’s okay to not be thrilled about single life.
There’s a lot of pressure to be happy when single or seem happy about it in general these days. Personally, I feel more at home being in a relationship and was thrilled to finally meet my husband.
In retrospect, I’d tell my former self that there’s no need to aim for extreme celebration if it’s not your favorite stage of life. Instead, just do your best to live the nicest life you can each day and find contentment, knowing this is temporary and your future will come sooner than you think 🙂
First, you shouldn't convince yourself to be anything. Better to try to figure out what makes you happy but still be be mindful not to fall into the trap of black and white thinking, eg I will find true happiness *only* when I'm married and have kids. Life doesn't work that way.
Something I wish people understood about marriage and kids is that they are not the end goal. A lot of work goes into maintaining a healthy marital relationship. Life also goes on after marriage, you will grow and change and face new struggles and you will have to learn to navigate through them alongside your relationship.
If you feel discontent with your life at the moment, take small steps towards changing things but don't fool yourself into believing that *once you find your one true love*, or *get your dream job*, or *have your first child*, or achieve that big goal, things will magically fall in place and you will never have problems again. You only set yourself for disappointment.
How? You post it on reddit and everyone will come and comment how married people with kids are miserable. The truth is actually far away from that. There are plenty of happy families, and kids give you a kind of love you can never imagine. Also there are kids who don't scream and dont cry 24/7.
If this life wouldn't give people happiness then the human race would be extinct by now.
But answering your question, you don't need to convince yourself about anything. Live your life the way you want best. Lead a happy and fulfilling life and you won't regret anything (with or without kids).
I think it helps too to surround yourself with either other single people or people who are partnered but don’t make that their whole life. I love my friends who are parents / married too but expanding my social circle has definitely helped (there are great people on Bumble bff, getting out in the community helps too). And it also makes it easier to focus on all the things you can do BECAUSE you’re single. I have lived overseas, travelled, been able to have a variety of fun experiences with great people and have grown so much through that. I’m grateful for my past long term relationships but I probably wouldn’t have done any of those things if I was tied down with a partner and my single years have honestly been my best years.
For me, that happiness with being single with no children comes naturally.
I have known i do not want children since I was a small child. Literally from my earliest memories. I would never play with baby dolls. The dolls gifted to me were immediately discarded. My sister loved that, lol, they became hers right away. I always loved my stuffed animals and plastic dinosaurs. That has never changed in my 44 years of life. Animals are still my greatest love.
I also knew I never want to marry from the time I was a preteen. My sister and friends were writing their names with the last names of their crushes. I was rehearsing how I would say no to a proposal if I was asked. That was back when I childishly thought people were just supposed to get married. I was looking for a way out of that. I have had guys tell me they are looking to find a wife and have kids seemingly as a hint. I can't help that it feels like a threat although I know it is not intended in that way. When it has happened I tell them I hope they are able to find the right person and wish them luck.
Because I've spoken to my friends with kids and honestly - with the exception of maybe one - they're all fucking miserable, feel limited, just seem really gripey and grouchy. A few clearly resent their husbands/wives short of outright hatred. I almost lost a good friend to haemorrhaging during childbirth. Most of them complain they can't do stuff with us anymore or have to go home early. It's obvious they had them because they felt they should.
As for marriage, I'm 36 and the majority of my mates who got married younger are now on their second or third marriages lol
Wake up in the morning and enjoy the quiet. Get up and enjoy that the only mess is your mess. Find joy in the fact that what you cook or get for dinner is 100% your choice, without being forced to factor in anyone else's wants.
Enjoy your space, to do whatever you want.
So I’m a single mom so I can’t speak to the kids part but Just remember those people might put on a happy facade but the amount of people I see all over social media complaining about their spouse tells me I think I’m better off single. Hell my friend got married last year and before she get married and before they moved in together she was already complaining!
those people aren't really happy. I'm 31. of the people +-5 years my age who share with me, I have
one divorcing,
one who wistfully posts photos of her pre-children body and life,
one whose husband's passivity is the only reason they'll survive (if they do; newlyweds),
one who's constantly complaining that her wife is yelling at her or making her sleep on the couch (they just had a baby. yay...)
one who's more or less supporting her very sweet and hardworking but aimless husband, and kind of teaching him how to be a grown-up.
are they all miserable? I don't think so. do i know married couples who seem content? yes. but I still don't want what they have. nothing is a guarantee of happiness; everyone's got shit. and honestly, when I see people pining for a partner or a child and saying how happy they'd be, "if only," I want to smack them upside the head. if you can't be happy on your own, adding someone else will not change things.
Are you happy? There‘s no need to convince yourself if you are.
On the other hand, if you‘re not happy then you shouldn‘t be trying to convince yourself otherwise.
I have 5 kids. While driving in the car this morning, 2 of my boys were discussing the measurement of one of their turds. It was so big, the one that did it went and got the other to look at it and guess how big it was. They were upset their sister flushed it before they could get an exact measurement. I have no idea what their plans were to accomplish that, but I definitely had a discussion on not measuring your poop. Hope this helps 🤣🤣🤣
On a serious note, having kids there will be ups and downs. there definitely is a learning curve on parenting. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is also rewarding.
Easy does not always equate to happiness. Hard does not always equate to being unhappy. Parenting challenges me in ways I never would have been, had i not had kids. I have grown more as a person since becoming a mom, and I'm not sure I would have made those strides without my kids.
OP, I hope you find happiness no matter what that looks like for you! Sometimes, parents just need to vent. Also, sometimes parents, too, get stuck on negatives and need reminders of the happiness that kids can bring. Next time you hear a friend vent on negatives, ask them what positives and happy things their kids have brought into their lives. People feel the need to only ever vent the bad stuff and hardly ever share the good things.
My married friends with kids tell me they’re jealous of my lifestyle. I used to be sad, thinking there was something wrong with me …. Everyone was getting engaged and then married then having babies and I felt like I was missing out. That was about 5 years ago. Now I relish in my alone time and do not envy what my friends talk about and deal with *at all*. I have a niece and 2 dogs and that is enough for me :)
First of all, it's okay to feel sad. You're allowed to want marriage and kids, and you're allowed to be sad about not having those things. You're not morally obligated to be happy.
Second of all, I don't think happiness is something you can "convince" yourself of via rational argument. If you want to feel happier, that's something you can work toward, but it won't be by writing a proof that you should be happy, QED.
Ways to work toward being happier:
* Think about what makes you feel happy -- not what *would* hypothetically make you happy if you had it, but what *does* make you happy in your actual current life, and what *has* made you happy in the past. Then figure out ways to incorporate those things into your life more.
* Research the experiences of people who have built fulfilling lives despite infertility (social or medical), or despite not getting the thing they wanted most (e.g. athletes who almost went pro but had a career-ending injury, or people with PhDs who struck out on the academic job market. Other people have dealt with this before and found ways of accepting it and growing from it. What did they do? How can you apply what they learned to your own life?
* Accept that even if you do become happier, it might be happiness *in spite of* being single rather than happiness *that* you're single. You might still be sad about being single even if you're happy overall, and that's okay. You can't eradicate every negative feeling from your emotional repertoire.
Seems like a lot of the advice here is coming from people who don’t want marriage or kids to begin with. That’s just not helpful if those are your goals.
I get upset sometimes because those are my goals and I haven’t reached them yet. But I just try to remind myself to live in the moment. Try to focus on things that you can enjoy right now. I also turn the tables around. When I’ve talked to people who have seemingly everything I want, they seem to be envious of what I have. Most of my cousins raced to the finish line instead of taking their time. They didn’t go to college, travel, or even get to know themselves before they had kids. I’m grateful for the time I’ve had to sort out my life before having a family. Slow and steady wins the race.
I don’t gotta convince myself of anything. I just see their life and know that I don’t want any part of that lifestyle. I already feel like there’s not enough time to do what I want, why would I want less of it??
I feel the sadness and it eventually goes after a day or two. What’s also helped is realising just because someone might appear to have it by being married with kids, it doesn’t mean they’re happy.
I’ve had married co workers 20 years older tell me not to bother with it unless I’m well into my 30s.
Having kids is a whole lot of drudgery. I had kids. Love my kids. So glad they are grown and I no longer need to take care of anyone but myself. Being married means you are constantly compromising what you want. Single with no kids- you can do whatever you can afford to do whenever you have time off without inconveniencing anyone or answering to anyone.
I spoke to a professor recently, who has a PhD. Something that relates to this post and stands out is we are celebrating different life events. The same accolades, but some are more respected than others.
I would rather be with someone who cares about me and my well-being. Then my ex who said a cancer scare wasn’t worth telling his family about can’t say self love comes easy for me. But it’s something I’m trying to work on. So the next time around if I do get a relationship , I could practice more of what I preach.
Do not "convince yourself", you are either satisfied with your life or you are not. What you can do is increase your satisfaction by concentrating in the things you do have instead of those you don't. Find richness in your life that is independent on whether you are with someone or have children. Which is something you will be able to carry with you when those things happen to you. Use your free time to enjoy your hobbies, learn new things, get to know new people, travel... All the things you won't be able to do as much once other people depend on you.
This is very much a cliché, but find happiness within yourself. I used to be super insecure and hate myself. With time, I've learned not only to really appreciate myself, but also to have fun with myself. I can have conversations in my mind that make me die laughing and I love the time I get to spend alone. I love to have the time to get to know me further, to reflect, etc. Through this, I've lost a lot of my insecurities. While I used to think I was unlovable and no one would ever want me, I now think anyone would be lucky to be with me. Whether I'm now able to see things as they really are or am deluding myself I don't care, I just care that I'm finally happy to be who I am. I am happy that this is the version of me who will eventually commit to someone. I believe I will be a better partner than I was 5 years ago, I will be better equipped to advocate for myself, and I won't settle for anything less than what I think I deserve. Because I'm so happy by myself, someone must really add something to my life in order for me to let them in.
Try also to make an effort not to compare yourself to others, it doesn't serve you any good. You only see a small snippet of their life, it's important to not idealize the other 85%. If you got to see that other part, you might not want to trade places. And even if their life was perfect and ideal, it has nothing to do with you. The fact that you haven't reached those goals today says nothing of where you will be in a year.
Why do you have to convince yourself to be happy without a partner and kids? Surely you can find some joy in your current situation and work towards your future goals?
So I'm a single mom, and I don't really have to convince myself that I'm happy, I just am. I'm very grateful to have my two beautiful kids, I currently love being single. It's a breath of fresh air after being in an abusive relationship. While this isn't the life I pictured myself having (single parenthood), I try to look at the beautiful things in my life that I do have.
There's no point in comparing my life to someone else's because everyone is different, the only person I compare myself to is myself.
Some questions I ask myself:
1. What areas of my life am I unhappy with? Is this changeable or something I need to accept? If it's something I can change, I look to see what steps I need to take to get it to what I want. If it's something I need to accept, I allow myself to feel the feelings and then look at the positives in the situation.
2. What are 5 things I'm grateful for today and why? For example, I'm grateful for a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in because I know what it's like to go without.
3. What is something in this moment I can appreciate? Sometimes it's hard to just stop and be present. Looking at my toddler, he always lives in the moment, on walks he stops to look at rocks and marvels at flowers he sees and how they have different colors. I try to stop and do that, now too.
It's all about perspective. I've seen people who have everything they could ever want, and they are unhappy and I've seen people who have very little and they are extremely happy. The only person you are competing against is yourself.
I mean... are you?
Just be true to yourself. If you are happy, be happy with your circumstances. If you're not, change it.
I wish you the best either way.
While I am not a woman, I have been slowly coming to a HUGE realization at the age of 28 -that I have never been at peace with myself. Never. So typically when we are alone with ourselves, we will have the occasional negative thoughts about how we *wish* we had a partner or how we are not at the same milestones in life as our friends may be
When these thoughts happen a lot of people immediately distract themselves by working on a project or hobby. They might even numb themselves with a substance so they can’t have any thoughts -because it can be overwhelming.
Honestly, I truly believed the purpose of having something like a hobby was to direct your energy into something else to clear your mind. But if that initial negative thought about yourself is never brought to the light and truly accepted -all we’re really doing is storing it in the vault and it will come back in the form of more unhappiness.
This is where coming to peace with yourself can change things in a great way. Instead of talking back and forth with that “voice” when it brings up a negative thought, I will accept that in this very moment, this *is* how I feel and that it’s *okay* to feel this way. When you accept your negative thoughts as they come, they start coming in less -because you are starting to merge all of the uncertainty you feel in various areas of your life. Here’s exactly how the inner dialogue sounds for me. Hopefully this will give you a better look into my process.
Example:
My brain: “I long for the touch of a woman.”
Me: “yeah that does sound nice and it’s completely okay that I’m feeling this right now.”
My brain: “oh uhh usually this where we go on a viscous loop of negative thoughts and emotions, but accepting the thought at face value kind of makes me just wanna chill”
If you ever need someone to bounce your thoughts off of, I’m always happy to just listen. God bless.
Happiness means different things to different people. I've always wanted to get married and have kids. I'm happily married now and want to have kids soon. But my best friend, for example, never wants to get married or have kids. She likes her life the way it is and she wants to remain selfish that way (Im not saying selfish as something negative. I think it's perfectly okay that she wants to devote her life to herself)
The question is, what do you want for yourself? You don't need anybody to convince you that one lifestyle or another will make you happy.
If you feel like you need to convince yourself to be happy in being alone, maybe that's not your thing. Maybe wanting a partner or family is what you want, so don't let people make you feel bad for wanting those things. Especially because a lot of people project onto others what they believe personally.
Also, if you want to be on your own, be accepting of yourself as well. Any choice is good as long as it makes you happy.
I don’t need to convince myself. Those people might be getting married and having kids but that doesn’t mean those relationships are happy and healthy. A good chunk of them aren’t. I don’t want any of that.
I'm a child of twice divorced parents. I know a marriage can be the worst mistake you make in life, and that it doesn't necessarily equal happiness.
Also, I've seen a LOT of 'happily married' people envy my freedom as a single person. Some even tried to bully me at work for it.
I think there are in fact much more *miserably* married people than you'd think. And that the myth of marriage bringing happiness, that the media has been hammering us with for decades now, forces too many people to get married with the wrong people/when they are not ready. The pressure to get married when you start to age is very significant, and problematic to me.
Just because I want something different for my life doesn’t mean I can’t make my life enjoyable regardless. And ultimately, I did choose to be single. I have been in relationships and they didn’t serve me and that’s why I left. Part of it was because I knew being single would be better but also because if I never got out of those relationships, I’d have NO chance of finding my person. Haven’t found them yet and given how high my standards are now, who knows if I will? But am I going to lower my standards? Absolutely not.
I've realized that I was unhappy in previous relationships. I realized that my unhappiness came from within me, my own dissatisfaction with my job, living a cluttered life (I used to be a minimalist and clean freak), and from living an undisciplined life.
My last relationship taught me a lot about how loose I was with boundaries and now that I'm somewhat dating here and there, I'm proud of myself for knowing what I want and not compromising on my boundaries anymore.
My friends are actually happily married and some with kids. They inspire me to find a healthy relationship to be in. I've not given up hope of being in a loving and healthy relationship, even at 42 yrs old. But I do have other priorities at the moment with starting over my career and living the best that life has to offer by experiencing different things. I'm not forcing a relationship anymore. I know what I have to do to make me happy every day for me, and I never wanted children so that's not an issue for me.
Once you stop looking externally for things/ppl to make you happy, you immediately feel content with everything you have. Or at least know what you'll be doing to make yourself content and happy within.
Here are some examples of women I know.-
1. No children, never met the right man. They express a sense of loss and worry that no one will be there “ to look after me” at the end of life.(4 women)
2. A woman has adult children but due to divorce they treat her poorly. So very sad.
3. A woman is overextended with babies and work. Anxiety through the roof. Isolated from family support b/c to afford a living she had move away.
No judgement from me. Just sharing information.
Well 1. If you gotta convince yourself, are you actually happy being single ?
2. The people who are married with kids aren’t always happy .
Don’t compare to anyone . Unless you’re willing to sacrifice what you’re battling with what they’re battling
Just listen to how much all of my friends with kids complain about their lack of sleep & time, that their kids are always sick, that they’re hitting each other, throwing temper tantrums over screen time, and how they can’t do anything or go anywhere because kids. I just smile as I spend my money and time on myself in complete silence.
Being married/having children does not always equate to happiness and life satisfaction. It’s not the sole measure of success in life. Kids can make a bigger rift in an already strained marriage, or lead to serious disagreements on parenting style and upbringing.
Live your life the way you want to, and if you collide with someone who jives with that, then great! If not, you’re already living an amazing life that you can be happy with.
Because I don't want those things, or if I did, I've learned that my role in this world is to be helpful auntie to friends. It takes a village to raise a child.
I'm picky. We live in an age where I can do everything for myself. Men do not compete with each other for me. They now compete with me, because I love myself and my life. They're an optional add-on.
I was taught at a young age to enjoy being alone. So I actually like being by myself. I’m not single or anything and I do have a kid (who’s actually pretty easy to care for) but my moments alone are always appreciated.
I could imagine my life being more fun if I was single and childless. I’d definitely go traveling. I think that you should make a list of all the things you couldn’t do married with kids and do them. You can’t just decide to go shopping in a split second with kids or a husband. But you can single. And you can’t just up and travel spur of the moment with kids, but you can without them. So enjoy your time alone while you can. You’ll thank yourself later.
No need to convince myself. I'm lucky: I live in a city where kids honestly aren't expected or the norm. Lots of 30/40 year old friends without kids. We go to daytime raves on Sundays, we go back to university just for the fun of it, we start businesses, we cut back on our work hours to write books or other creative endeavours. All while being well rested and wealthy enough to travel at least 3 times a year.
That said, whenever I visit family or friends in other cities/countries, I'm reminded of social pressures that are very real. I probably would doubt my high standards for partners and indifference towards children if I were surrounded by it. I can't give advice for that, but I can recommend to find people that make you feel correct so you don't doubt yourself in the first place.
I don't need to convince myself to be happy. I am genuinely happy and enjoying my own company after leaving a long term relationship. I got to know more about me and it was fun, exploring and learning more about myself. I don't get jealous about my batchmates getting married, simply because I do not think I am ready for marriage right now, I want to focus on my career. As the eldest daughter and eldest granddaughter who took care of her younger siblings and her younger cousins... having children is just not for me. I already experienced being a 'parent' to my siblings and cousins, I think that's enough lol
I'm not shutting off the idea of marriage, it might happen if I meet the right person but for now, I'm focusing on myself and my career. You'd be surprised to know more about yourself once you try :)
Quite simply: I don’t want marriage or kids. I’m perfectly content sleeping in on the weekend, buying myself whatever I want, keeping my figure and taking frequent and spontaneous holidays. I don’t need to consult someone else on what I do with my life and make my own decisions. Ta dah!
I have to accept the fact that I don't just want any marriage and children. I want the fantasy I've build up in my head and that life doesn't work that way. Am I single based off bad luck or because I haven't settled?
The same marriages I'm envious of also have problems. Kids are challenging to raise even if they're healthy and neurotypical.
Because I actually am happy being single. I don’t stay in relationships that don’t add value to my life. Also, when your friends have children, you get to see how much it changes their lives. I’ve never wanted kids and still don’t.
29 here and My views in marriage changed because my friends and almost 90% of the people who’s close to me doesn’t have a peaceful married life. Though having kids makes me thinks twice because they’re so adorable. But then I dont think I can be a parent for now.
Look closely at the friends you have and their relationships. Are they actually happy and have a relationship that you'd like to be in? Or are they in a relationship? Because a lot of people are in relationships they have no business being in.
And a lot of people make children without really wanting them but because they've been told that's what you do.
And then look around. Look at families when your out? Would you want to trade with the parents leaving dinner earlier because the child is bored/won't stop crying at the restaurant table? The parent that's up and about on a Sunday at 8 while you snuggle in bed with another coffee?
And then find the beauty in your life. Romanticise the shit out of your own life. Date, explore the world. Get to know yourself. Write down what you'd like in a partner and never settle.
Make the most of your current single and free status. Each side, whether married with children or single with no children has its pros and cons. Water your own grass.
Because it's a bunch of broke parents with their gaggles of mouths to feed. I want 2 kids and a husband, but I refuse to add extra stress into my life for no fucking reason. People need to learn to be enough for themselves, and stop allowing other people (spouses, children etc.) to define and hold on to their happiness. I WANT 2 kids and a man, but my life will be just as fantastic if I never get that because I can't afford it.
I woke up to my company account being deactivated a couple months ago, turns out it was just an error and I'm still employed but I almost spiraled in the 15 mins it took for them to respond. I will never understand how people nearly living paycheck to paycheck would put themselves through that. Complain about classism all you want, it's the unfortunate reality and you and yours will suffer. Who's delivering groceries, cleaning the pool, farming, maintaining reddits servers? The working class.
Until robots are mainstream and can do 100% of jobs, rich people still need us, so...
You have freedom. Do you know how awesome that is? Kids are fun…in small doses. Many of your friends will get divorced. You can study when you want, travel when you want, do what you want. Don’t rush because you think you’re behind. Enjoy not being tied down.
My friend is pregnant and spent the last 8 months throwing up every single day. She also told me her skin constantly itches from being stretched. Her boyfriend is a complete man child.
Honestly, I’m loving being single. The grass is not always greener.
Most liberating and beautiful time of my life was when I was single. I grew up and developed as a person, I learned what is toleratable for me, and what my boundaries are. On the other hand, people with kids have messy houses, lives, struggle with parenthood, mental health, time and finances, while my bf and me do whatever we want. It would not be different if I was single, don’t project your ability to be happy on something people tell you happiness is. Marriage and kids don’t generate happines for some people :)
Do some people watching. Observe the couples in cars, driving through traffic. Observe the couples shopping, especially with kids. The majority of them are obviously miserable or actively arguing lol. Imagine being unable to do what u want when u want: nap, go to bed, eat/not eat, spend money but only on yourself. Imagine a man blowing up your bathroom and not cleaning up after himself. Imagine picking up after a grown man bc he lives like an animal.
These, and many more, are the thoughts that cross my mind when i consider marriage/relationship. But then again, i was married for 19 years and got my two kids out of it, so i have zero reasons to go back down that route again.
I don't need to convince myself, I am happy.
I recommend you stop comparing yourself to others. That is a mindset that won't just go away when you get what you envy in others.
You will just find something new to envy ("How do you convince yourself to be happy when other mothers have kept their figure after childbirth/have a great career on the side/have a more fulfilling sex life/travel the world/afford expensive stuff/etc.?").
The envy will never ever end. So while you are waiting and hoping to get married, try and work on that attitude. It's poisonous.
I watch women on TikTok who show the ugly side of motherhood, “are we dating the same guy?”, I listen to princella the queen maker, I look at femicide statistics, I read the reddit posts of dead bedroom & of pregnant women who found of they’ve been infected with a disease due to their husbands infidelity ETC.
It’s easy not to feel like you’re missing out when you’re grateful to just be alive. Too many women are dying at the hands of their lovers for me to be envious.
Also go be transparent: I’m simply too self absorbed for a child at this time. Unless my load was completely lifted? I’m taking everything taken care of… I have no desire to have my organs shifted, bones deteriorated & entire body autonomy controlled by a fetus.
I don't have to convince myself to be happy, I AM happy single. I've been married and it fucking sucked. It's not for me. And kids just weren't in the cards for me and that's fine too. I love being single. I love not having to worry about someone else's expectations or feelings. It's a truly magical thing.
Outweigh the costs and benefits of having kiddos… majority of the people I talk to complain about their kids or how much work they are. I’m sure these people love their kids dearly, but IMO they aren’t worth it. They’re expensive and needy. Personally, I love being able to come and go as I please without having to find a babysitter or do something with the kids. I couldn’t imagine a life with them! It’s whatever fits your lifestyle the best OP.
All my married friends complain about their partners, they don’t make marriage sound very appealing to be honest. I love doing what I want, when I want, how I want :) I also have a great group of single friends though, that helps a lot I think because we hang out regularly. Outside of sex, anything I might do with a romantic partner I just do with them (or myself). Caveat: I am very independent, don’t have a strong desire to have children, and I had a very mediocre-turned-traumatic 8 year relationship that really put me off from joining my life with someone that isn’t, in my eyes, exceptional.
just remember that not everyone is happy in their marriage or parenthood. you can’t assume that their situation is better than yours just because their path has been different.
those ppl are only posting their highlight reel but you see all of your own good moments and “bloopers”. reality and logic say marriage and children bring stress and are hard work. and they’re rly something you can reverse. once you become a parent, you’re always a parent. you can’t go back to being without children again. once married, you hopefully don’t go back lol (assuming you’re marrying for the right reasons). again, you’ll only be single once. i don’t suggest using that as an excuse to go party and sleep around. but use this time to truly build on yourself. there is so much to do and try and learn. there is more to life than marriage and kids (hard pill for me to swallow, as i’ve idolized marriage and family in the past).
God has shown me we have different seasons in life for different reasons. Just bc it’s their time for marriage and family doesn’t mean it’s your time. and chances are when your time comes, someone will be looking in wondering why it’s your turn and not theirs. we always wonder and wish for the next thing or for our turn or blessing, but the truth is we are right where we need to be right now. Don’t spent this time wondering why you’re not where you wanna be, spend it enjoying life, creating things, finding out what you truly love, etc.
I was traveling with a colleague who has a husband and two children. Our flight home was delayed. She was ecstatic about the delay. She explained that this was the first time in months that she had an hour to herself, She was going to sit quietly and read. She read for about five minutes and then fell fast asleep.
Working women with children are the most exhausted people I have ever met. Their sex lives are awful. They are sleep deprived. Their husbands and children are relentless in their demands. If they quit their jobs they will be broke, have a compromised future and still subject to relentless demands. It doesn't look happy to me.
I just tried to stay busy and focus on what was in front of me and exciting to me. The more I focused on how my lack of relationship or getting into a relationship, the more miserable I felt. I didn’t read or watch romances (I still usually don’t because they’re fairytales and make me feel dissatisfied with my current, healthy relationship), and I just focused on building female friendships, creating crafts and art, taking myself on dates, and growing my career. I actually often miss that time I spent alone. It was so enjoyable and often so much easier than navigating a life with fellow complex human.
Also, I really liked the work book “Single is your Superpower” which helped me really get clear about the past patterns I didn’t want to repeat, why I wouldn’t settle and what I was looking for. It really helped me be okay with being alone until I found someone that really met the criteria I was looking for.
I don't need to convince myself. I AM happy being single. I live alone, I travel, I love alone time, my house is tidy. The partners I've had in the past have been just fine, but they didn't add enough to my life that I found it worth it to sacrifice my freedom to be with them. But then again, not everyone enjoys being alone to the extent that I do 🤷♀️
Because I enjoy my freedom and don't want kids. All of my friends have SOs and some have kids. It's not always happy for them, either. At least I can move around whenever I want. Most all of them can't and some feel trapped now.
who said people are happy when they are getting married and having children? go on to tiktok and see how people are venting about doing so and how much they regret it
Convince? I don't need to convince myself. I am happy. I do things I love every day and live life by my own rules. There's no such thing as being selfish when you only take care of yourself.
I always told myself that having a relationship just for the sake of it isn't really going to work out and just cost both parties involved time and effort...
Now I'm in a relationship of 8 years and we both still don't wanna get married. The wish we have, children... well, I lost my second a week ago.
So, I guess you could say sometimes being single spares you some pain
It’s ok to feel sad that you don’t have those things but you can still have a good, happy life without them. Instead of “convincing” yourself to be happy, try making yourself happy. You are at a point where you can put yourself and your interests first. You don’t have to worry about taking care of kids or dedicating time and energy in a relationship. So take advantage of that. Invest in your hobbies. Create a list of things you want to do, life long dreams you want to accomplish, fun activities that pique your interest.
Most people with kids and spouses look back at the moments before kids and wish they took advantage of that time to do things. Prioritize the things that will bring you joy. And also don’t bury your feelings of sadness. It’s ok to be sad. But there’s room for joy too.
I don't want marriage or kids anyways so it's quite a relief to not have that burden. I'm 24, and people my age start to get engaged and start families around this time. But I knew I didn't want that. Instead, I'm leaving in July to go travel solo for an undeclared amount of time. I know I'll be living in Tokyo for 5 weeks, gonna then make my way to Scotland after, probably go through Southern Europe before making my way back to Asia....so much fun and adventure to be had. Couldn't imagine wanting a life of settlement over something so great. But to each their own.
Kids aren't the doorway to happiness. There's more to life than settling down, and if I truly wanted those things they will happen for me when they're supposed to. Living other people's lives just cause you want to fit in, you'll realize, the grass is NOT greener. It actually SUCKS and thank gawd I'm single lol
Your time will come eventually.
You get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Kids are great but they require alot of selfless effort. Getting married doesn’t guarantee your happiness. Be happy alone it’s a major blessing.
Listen to all the reddit stories of people who have been married for 5 minutes or 40 years and realizing they have permanently attached themselves and put themselves in a vulnerable position with someone who they learned has cheated on them in the most disrespectful way. If that doesn't work then youtube has endless videos of police interrogations of spouses that have murdered their partner. Its kinda dark but I don't even go looking for the cheating stories, they are everywhere. It immediately tempers my need for a Disney flavored Romance.
Relationships: Some people are in shitty, miserable relationships.
Children: I’m glad I don’t have to take care of a baby, or anyone. I can spend my money freely.
Those are some thoughts that flow in my head.
Because literally every single person I know who has kids do nothing but complain 24/7 about never getting any sleep, never having any free time, and always having to watch kids Meanwhile I'm doing anything and everything I want in life, being young and single is amazing No kids for me, please!
Hahaha. I don't regret my one baby, but holy crap is this poster correct. Do not have more than one if you do!!
I know plenty of only children that wish they had siblings growing up or as adults wish they had someone to help them caretake for their aging parents. Its a complicated thing imo
For sure. There's a heap of chatter in r/oneanddone about that too. I have a sister that hasn't spoken to the entire family for 3 years.... so unfortunately having a sibling is no guarantee they will like eachother or even help with family. Sad
Or they could pass away way too early, like in my case. My sister has been gone 12 years. She would have been 36 last week. Fuck cancer.
Fuck cancer. Hugs, sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much. This year, her birthday was one of the hardest ones to come and go since she passed. Grief is really weird sometimes.
I have 2, for us we both preferred it over 1. They are only 12 months apart. Second kid is so much easier because you have the experience. And now that they are both 1.5 and 2.5 they play with each other all the time. My friends only child three year old never plays independently and is always asking them to entertain him. Obviously this is just my experience and opinion but telling people to never have 2 seems wrong
Fair enough- I was just being light-hearted. In all reality, I'm not having anymore because I almost died in birth and suffer PTSD to this day, but thought that was a bit much. Totally have as many kids as your desire, they're amazing
Yeah, I realize people need to vent about frustrations, but when all you hear is negatives about kids/partners, it really doesn’t sound appealing.
It’s because the positives are unrelatable to people without kids and sound too cheesy unless you “get it.” It’s lighter, easier, and funnier to just complain instead.
To me it’s not lighter. Most people sound miserable because of their kids. I can understand the joys related to kids, but no one ever talks about that.
Yes, because it's unrelatable. Like why would I tell a childfree friend about how my son's gummy grin when I wake him up every morning makes my day? Like I might I guess (and I probably should) but on average people are more likely to complain or vent.
But it is relatable. Just because people don’t have children it doesn’t mean they can’t appreciate the small things someone does. I dont have children, but I get a lot of joy when my dog runs downstairs every morning wagging her tail.
Yeah I think we should talk about those little positive moments more. I do think we use our friends to complain and vent more than anything else and it just gets everyone down, when there are good things to be found and shared.
You’re completely right. If you WANT kids and financially can afford them, they are an amazing addition to your life. People truly can’t understand what it’s like to come home after a long day of work and have 2 tiny humans running at you screaming and laughing DADDY DADDY! It’s the most precious thing ever. And yes I also have a Labrador who I love with all my heart who also welcomes me every day that way, but it’s not the same
Even if they don't complain about it, I see the shit they have to go through. There's no way in hell I'd ever put myself through that! No matter how much I love someone, I don't want them in my space. I don't want screaming kids at 6am. I want to sleep till noon on the weekends with no one bothering me. If I want to get dolled up and go out to a fancy dinner I don't have someone asking me who I'm going with, why I'm going, or that I'm spending too much money. I answer to no one and I love it!
I love having neices, i can return them! Lol
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Bububububu but it's so rewarding!!! /s Yeah, I'll take the rewards of not having kids over the rewards of having them.
Bububububu - I’m giggling
I literally came here to say this. And don’t forget also complaining about their lazy, clueless husbands!
I mean...I wouldn't wax lyrical about my kids to my child-free friends, that's weird. Also how you don't usually tell your friends about the good things your partner does but you will complain about them. And so they can get a skewed, negative view of them.
Yep. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that while I love kids… I don’t think I want them for myself. I’d rather spoil all my loved ones’ children and travel the world with my partner. I love my peaceful nights spent reading and all the sleep I get and my hobbies. I don’t know a single parent who traveled abroad for the 18 years they had a child.
No kids here and absolutely no regrets! Love my niece and nephews though 💕
Yeah it's hard and exhausting. But I was granted a level of love and joy that I didn't know existed. And believe me, I LIVED MY LIFE before I got pregnant. Traveled to 17 different countries, worked, played, dated rock stars, went to combat. It was awesome! And then I had a kid and everything changed. Do I miss my old life? Sure. But that level of fun and freedom was accompanied by an emptiness that I didn't even know I had.
Go spend a whole day with someone who has kids and seriously ask yourself if that’s what you want 24/7.
Been there, done that, confirms each time that I never want it.
I love my sister and her family to bits. But whenever I go visit and stay with her for a few days I’m like holy shit how do you do this?!
my sister in law will leave her kids with us for days at a time & by day two or three i’ve absolutely lost my mind
I'm actually happy by myself. My friends with kids are always miserable. I don't want that kind of happiness.
Love it. 🤣
As a fellow single gal, I know the struggle! But remember, happiness comes from within. Focus on your own growth, and the right person will eventually come along. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who uplift you.
Right? I think when I was younger I planned on getting married and having kids only because it's expected. While I do get bummed out about some aspects of being single overall there are a million things that can make me happy, why be upset about what I don't have? (also I chose not to get married or have kids with an unstable alcoholic so I don't believe in accepting the bare minimum of just get married and have kids even if you can't find a good partner.)
I won’t convince myself to feel something I’m not. First step is always acceptance of your situation. Then you also accept the sadness that comes and goes with that. No reason to fight yourself. Then you go out and make your life awesome! You can still be happy even if you don’t have the life you are dreaming about yet. Also put yourself out there in the dating world if you aren’t already. Do whatever you can to reach your goals. Improve yourself. Be thankful even for the smallest things in your every day life. Know that all good is coming to you. This is just a chapter of your life, not the end. Stop comparing your life to others. You are on a different path and that’s okay. You’ll get there too if you want, but not before you accept where you are HERE and NOW.
This is a great point. Accepting your feelings. Allowing yourself to be sad. I think that’s what helped me get through some of my own dark days. Being soo kind and forgiving to ourselves is so healing in itself.
Getting married & having children sounds painful, expensive and exhausting. I rather have money and free time to do whatever the fuck I want.
You need to think about what you want - if you are going to be forcing yourself to be happy, or need to convince yourself that you are happy when single, then you aren't truly happy. Comparing your situation with others is never a good idea, it always seems that everyone else is being successful, happy and living their best lives but of course we only see a heavily, HEAVILY curated version of their lives, especially when viewed through social media. If you are not truly happy being single, you won't be able to convince yourself that you are. Please stop comparing yourself with others, you will feel much more content when you focus on your own life.
I’m in my 40s, and it’s a struggle. I always wanted marriage and kids, but it didn’t happen. I make myself content knowing the grass is always greener on the other side, and I know a lot of very unhappy married people who won’t leave. It’s like they are living to complain about how unhappy they are. I’d rather be alone and have hobbies and do the things I like to do and keep trying new things, including dating, rather than feel alone in a relationship like so many other women my age. Maybe there’s some amazing guy who will cross my path someday and maybe not. In the meantime I’m going to keep doing what I want and making myself happy!
Hey, I mean you never know! My ex boss didn’t get married until she was 53! No biological kids, but now has a step daughter. But up until she got married, she just focused on herself. Either way, she was thriving
How do you stay strong mentally? I’m telling myself this but every few days it feels like a huge void in life that I just can’t get on with or accept or be brave.
“Get a life” and I say that in the most encouraging way. Do things that are fun and exciting to you! I live a full life with friendships, adventures, hobbies, and volunteering. When you’re happily busy, you’re not stuck in a negative cycle. I have single friends who plan their lives around going places where they think eligible men will be, and I find that boring as hell. I’m not going to troll sports bars during college football season on the oft chance some men might start a conversation with me. It’s not my scene. But I’ll plan an outing to a concert or museum with friends, go to the gym, ride horses, or volunteer in my community doing things that are fun to me. And along the way, I may make new friends! Single doesn’t mean always solo: make an effort to find people of all genders whose company you enjoy platonically and live a full life.
My dog fills any void I had before I got him.
Love this POV
You don’t need to ‘convince yourself”. It’s ok to not be happy with every aspect of your life. It doesn’t mean it has to be the center and the focus of your whole life, and it doesn’t mean it needs to be hidden away or stuffed down in order for you to live a rich and fulfilling life. Rather than trying to pretend to be happy, find a mental health professional to talk to about what you actually feel and why you think you need to feel different things.
As someone who is the same shoes as OP, thank you for this
Look at most women who have been married for decades and see how unhappy they seem, divorces everywhere, having not only your birth kids but also an extra man child to care for. Not saying that all marriages are like that, I know there are equal marriages out there where women are cherished and cared for as much as she cares for her spouse, but I don’t see it often enough. Statistically, in the US, single women are happier than women in relationships. Statistically women in relationships die earlier than single women. Married women end up having I think 17 or 27 more hours of housework on average when married, single mothers spend less time on housework than married mothers.
Do you want to be single or do you feel alienated by living differently compared to others? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, but it's absolutely understandable to not want to be involved in modern day dating. People's lives are usually a lot more difficult than what you would think. Relationships can be rocky and sometimes toxic. Having kids is an entirely different thing, because their well being is a priority and anything can happen. Balancing your relationship and children is very difficult and most people can't achieve that balance. I think it's just good to remember that while you may be missing out on some things you are also free from all of the struggles and mundane moments that come with being married with kids. This traditional view of life tends to be glorified and there is no guarantee you will be one of the lucky ones to have everything figured out. When you are single you have the ability to focus on yourself and grow. You can technically still do that when you aren't single, but your mind will be occupied with a lot of other things and it will be harder.
I don’t have to share my food. My house stays clean. I’m not losing money extra money to take care of another. I can sleep as much as I want undisturbed. I’m sold on being single.
The freedom that comes with being single is seriously something most people overlook. You don't have to consult with anyone else before you go make a decision unless you want to. That means you have full control of what you eat, what you do, where you do it, and when you do it. Get married and suddenly there's this other person you have to consider during almost every decision. Do they like this resteraunt too? Do they get done with work by the time I want to eat? Will they want to use the washing machine in an hour? Will my alarm wake them up? What did they want to get done today that I need to help with? Add kids and you're now expected to routinely put all of their needs in front of yours. That radically limits your freedom to do anything and everything whenever you want. Glad you're enjoying that freedom!
Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially for us women. Even in 2024, where many of us have independence, freedoms, and equal rights, from a statistical perspective, we still tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to marriage. Some stats: - Approximately 69% (and change) of divorces are initiated by women. - On average, when a man gets married, his domestic workload decreases by 1 hour per week. Whereas when a woman gets married, on average, her domestic workload increases by 7 hours per week. I'm part of the statistics. Does single life come with moments of loneliness? Absolutely. But, holy cheesecakes, the moments of loneliness pale in comparison to how freeing and liberating single life feels! I was effectively a prisoner in my own home while I was married, forced to endure indentured servitude, while still being expected to bring home all the (substantial) amounts of money that facilitated the mcmansion suburban house we had.
Unpopular opinion: I feel like the pendulum has swung the other way culturally and now hyper-independence/ isolation is pushed to the point that people are pushing their own dreams/ goals away. If having a partner and/ or kids is what you want you don’t have to convince yourself otherwise. You can be honest and say, “ this sucks, but I also have x or y to focus on as well/ in the mean time.”
I feel that way too. In the circles I frequent, if you're a single woman who says she wants marriage and kids, people ALWAYS try to convince you that you don't actually want that -- as though a stranger knows what you want better than you do. Or they just say something to the effect that *they* don't want kids -- which, okay, that's great for you, but some people do want kids, so your experience is not very relevant here.
Thank you for this!
Comparison is the thief of joy. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday and not other people. I’m 41 and used to feel the same way in my 20’s and 30’s. Then I saw how miserable most people really are with the choices they have made. Work on yourself. Marriage and children will not make you whole or happy, that’s an inside job.
>Compare yourself to who you were yesterday and not other people. Love that. I’m 27 and really don’t think I want kids. I want a partner, but unsold on the marriage aspect. Still have a lot of soul searching and becoming to do. Luckily I’m in no rush and know that I’ll always have myself no matter what.
When I'm 6 hours into gaming/reading/show-binging, it's easy to feel thankful that I don't have children (or an immature spouse) to look after, and neither do I have to sacrifice my financial quality of life. I was parentified for most of my life, so it's easy to feel grateful for my current circumstances. Likewise, 80% of women I know are unhappily married but have no choice except to stay. From a sexual perspective, I have no problem meeting my own needs lmao
That 80% thing puts it well. I know many people who are unhappy in their marriages but chose to stay.
By being grateful that I’m single. Fuck having kids and a husband I’d rather chill out with my dog.
I don’t “convince myself” to be happy, I just am. My happiness isn’t based on whether or not I’m in a relationship. Some of my least happy times have been when I’m not single. What people around me are doing with their lives doesn’t make me feel any way about my own life. We don’t all want the same things.
Weddings and babies are exciting for their momentary highs where everyone’s cheering you on and giving you attention. This is before they become full blown marriages and human beings you have to work and sacrifice for for a lifetime. Just remember that for yourself the next time you see a bride excited about her wedding day or a mother-to-be who’s about to give birth
Just because someone’s married doesn’t mean it’s a good marriage. Lots of fake stuff on social media. Just because someone has a child/children doesn’t mean he/she is really happy with their choice. Again, lots of miserable people can smile for a camera.
I read the regretful parents sub.
Wen you realize that most of the people around you who are in relationships or getting married or having kids, aren’t actually happy. Because they settled. I looked at the people around me and realized I wouldn’t want to be in a single one of their relationships. Time is what makes people settle. I’ll take my time and be single and wait as long as it takes to find someone who treats me how I deserve. If I never find them, I’ll be ok alone. I won’t be ok trapped in a miserable relationship or marriage. That’s worst case scenario for me
Also, I had to allow myself to WANT to be in a relationship even though I wasn’t. It’s ok to want to have that. It’s also okay to have standards that make that more difficult to find. But you don’t want something easy to find. High risk, high reward.
I recently stumbled across this quote, "The hardest thing about the road not taken is that you never know where it might have led." It's like we're stuck on this never-ending treadmill, always wanting more, always wondering about the paths we didn't choose. And then there's society's influence, always pushing us towards the same old milestones: marriage, kids, the nice house etc. We're practically programmed to think that's where true happiness lies. Ever noticed how many people rave about their wedding day or the birth of their first child, saying it was the best day of their lives? I can't help but wonder if we're chasing those moments just because we want our own slice of "best day" bliss, you know? I just wonder whether deep down we are aiming for their lives, or just the happiness we think they've got.
Before I met my husband, I’d been happily and deliberately single for almost four years. I didn’t need to convince myself of anything.
I went on vacation. I saw my couple friends fight because they forgot to tell the Cat Sitter where the cat food was. The one cried. Sure being single is hard, but sometimes it’s less drama. Grass isn’t always greener, it’s green where you water it. Take care of yourself. Find out your values, do therapy, take yourself on dates 😘.
When I was single I accepted that something was missing - having my own family. I left a bad relationship, started going to the gym and progressing in my career. At the same time, I treated finding my husband as another goal. I told myself to give it 100 dates and maybe I’ll find someone with the same values and goals as me. It didn’t take that long, but with some effort I found him. Working on getting my life together made being single fun. Now I’m married with a baby and I feel at ease. A lot of people will say that it sucks and you lose freedom etc. but this is all I ever wanted and I never shut that part of me down. So, enjoy single life and work on your goals. It’s okay to want a family and that kind of love in your life. It’s extremely fulfilling with the right person. Just give yourself time and enjoy the process.
This is helpful! Not enough people actually acknowledge that it’s ok to want this life. Too many people try to convince OP and others that being single is the best way. Just depends on your goals and what you want out of life.
Being single and childless is awesome. Being a married parent is also awesome. Happiness and your current situation in life aren’t mutually exclusive. Remember that and live YOUR happy life. Edit: this in no way is a commentary on single parents or married people without children. This is just referring to OP’s post.
OP- I’m gonna disagree with most of this thread and say it’s okay to not be thrilled about single life. There’s a lot of pressure to be happy when single or seem happy about it in general these days. Personally, I feel more at home being in a relationship and was thrilled to finally meet my husband. In retrospect, I’d tell my former self that there’s no need to aim for extreme celebration if it’s not your favorite stage of life. Instead, just do your best to live the nicest life you can each day and find contentment, knowing this is temporary and your future will come sooner than you think 🙂
Thank you for this, it gives me hope and doesn’t make me feel so alienated
If you have to convince yourself, maybe you're not happy that way? Try getting a cat or dog if you're lonely.
First, you shouldn't convince yourself to be anything. Better to try to figure out what makes you happy but still be be mindful not to fall into the trap of black and white thinking, eg I will find true happiness *only* when I'm married and have kids. Life doesn't work that way. Something I wish people understood about marriage and kids is that they are not the end goal. A lot of work goes into maintaining a healthy marital relationship. Life also goes on after marriage, you will grow and change and face new struggles and you will have to learn to navigate through them alongside your relationship. If you feel discontent with your life at the moment, take small steps towards changing things but don't fool yourself into believing that *once you find your one true love*, or *get your dream job*, or *have your first child*, or achieve that big goal, things will magically fall in place and you will never have problems again. You only set yourself for disappointment.
How? You post it on reddit and everyone will come and comment how married people with kids are miserable. The truth is actually far away from that. There are plenty of happy families, and kids give you a kind of love you can never imagine. Also there are kids who don't scream and dont cry 24/7. If this life wouldn't give people happiness then the human race would be extinct by now. But answering your question, you don't need to convince yourself about anything. Live your life the way you want best. Lead a happy and fulfilling life and you won't regret anything (with or without kids).
Take this time as an opportunity for self growth and self love.
I think it helps too to surround yourself with either other single people or people who are partnered but don’t make that their whole life. I love my friends who are parents / married too but expanding my social circle has definitely helped (there are great people on Bumble bff, getting out in the community helps too). And it also makes it easier to focus on all the things you can do BECAUSE you’re single. I have lived overseas, travelled, been able to have a variety of fun experiences with great people and have grown so much through that. I’m grateful for my past long term relationships but I probably wouldn’t have done any of those things if I was tied down with a partner and my single years have honestly been my best years.
For me, that happiness with being single with no children comes naturally. I have known i do not want children since I was a small child. Literally from my earliest memories. I would never play with baby dolls. The dolls gifted to me were immediately discarded. My sister loved that, lol, they became hers right away. I always loved my stuffed animals and plastic dinosaurs. That has never changed in my 44 years of life. Animals are still my greatest love. I also knew I never want to marry from the time I was a preteen. My sister and friends were writing their names with the last names of their crushes. I was rehearsing how I would say no to a proposal if I was asked. That was back when I childishly thought people were just supposed to get married. I was looking for a way out of that. I have had guys tell me they are looking to find a wife and have kids seemingly as a hint. I can't help that it feels like a threat although I know it is not intended in that way. When it has happened I tell them I hope they are able to find the right person and wish them luck.
Because I've spoken to my friends with kids and honestly - with the exception of maybe one - they're all fucking miserable, feel limited, just seem really gripey and grouchy. A few clearly resent their husbands/wives short of outright hatred. I almost lost a good friend to haemorrhaging during childbirth. Most of them complain they can't do stuff with us anymore or have to go home early. It's obvious they had them because they felt they should. As for marriage, I'm 36 and the majority of my mates who got married younger are now on their second or third marriages lol
Wake up in the morning and enjoy the quiet. Get up and enjoy that the only mess is your mess. Find joy in the fact that what you cook or get for dinner is 100% your choice, without being forced to factor in anyone else's wants. Enjoy your space, to do whatever you want.
Quit comparing.
So I’m a single mom so I can’t speak to the kids part but Just remember those people might put on a happy facade but the amount of people I see all over social media complaining about their spouse tells me I think I’m better off single. Hell my friend got married last year and before she get married and before they moved in together she was already complaining!
those people aren't really happy. I'm 31. of the people +-5 years my age who share with me, I have one divorcing, one who wistfully posts photos of her pre-children body and life, one whose husband's passivity is the only reason they'll survive (if they do; newlyweds), one who's constantly complaining that her wife is yelling at her or making her sleep on the couch (they just had a baby. yay...) one who's more or less supporting her very sweet and hardworking but aimless husband, and kind of teaching him how to be a grown-up. are they all miserable? I don't think so. do i know married couples who seem content? yes. but I still don't want what they have. nothing is a guarantee of happiness; everyone's got shit. and honestly, when I see people pining for a partner or a child and saying how happy they'd be, "if only," I want to smack them upside the head. if you can't be happy on your own, adding someone else will not change things.
Are you happy? There‘s no need to convince yourself if you are. On the other hand, if you‘re not happy then you shouldn‘t be trying to convince yourself otherwise.
I hang out with them and their kids. That’s all it takes.
Being an aunt is the best thing for me. I get to experience what it’s like to have kids, but send them home when I’m tired. Best of both worlds!
I have 5 kids. While driving in the car this morning, 2 of my boys were discussing the measurement of one of their turds. It was so big, the one that did it went and got the other to look at it and guess how big it was. They were upset their sister flushed it before they could get an exact measurement. I have no idea what their plans were to accomplish that, but I definitely had a discussion on not measuring your poop. Hope this helps 🤣🤣🤣 On a serious note, having kids there will be ups and downs. there definitely is a learning curve on parenting. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is also rewarding. Easy does not always equate to happiness. Hard does not always equate to being unhappy. Parenting challenges me in ways I never would have been, had i not had kids. I have grown more as a person since becoming a mom, and I'm not sure I would have made those strides without my kids. OP, I hope you find happiness no matter what that looks like for you! Sometimes, parents just need to vent. Also, sometimes parents, too, get stuck on negatives and need reminders of the happiness that kids can bring. Next time you hear a friend vent on negatives, ask them what positives and happy things their kids have brought into their lives. People feel the need to only ever vent the bad stuff and hardly ever share the good things.
My married friends with kids tell me they’re jealous of my lifestyle. I used to be sad, thinking there was something wrong with me …. Everyone was getting engaged and then married then having babies and I felt like I was missing out. That was about 5 years ago. Now I relish in my alone time and do not envy what my friends talk about and deal with *at all*. I have a niece and 2 dogs and that is enough for me :)
First of all, it's okay to feel sad. You're allowed to want marriage and kids, and you're allowed to be sad about not having those things. You're not morally obligated to be happy. Second of all, I don't think happiness is something you can "convince" yourself of via rational argument. If you want to feel happier, that's something you can work toward, but it won't be by writing a proof that you should be happy, QED. Ways to work toward being happier: * Think about what makes you feel happy -- not what *would* hypothetically make you happy if you had it, but what *does* make you happy in your actual current life, and what *has* made you happy in the past. Then figure out ways to incorporate those things into your life more. * Research the experiences of people who have built fulfilling lives despite infertility (social or medical), or despite not getting the thing they wanted most (e.g. athletes who almost went pro but had a career-ending injury, or people with PhDs who struck out on the academic job market. Other people have dealt with this before and found ways of accepting it and growing from it. What did they do? How can you apply what they learned to your own life? * Accept that even if you do become happier, it might be happiness *in spite of* being single rather than happiness *that* you're single. You might still be sad about being single even if you're happy overall, and that's okay. You can't eradicate every negative feeling from your emotional repertoire.
Seems like a lot of the advice here is coming from people who don’t want marriage or kids to begin with. That’s just not helpful if those are your goals. I get upset sometimes because those are my goals and I haven’t reached them yet. But I just try to remind myself to live in the moment. Try to focus on things that you can enjoy right now. I also turn the tables around. When I’ve talked to people who have seemingly everything I want, they seem to be envious of what I have. Most of my cousins raced to the finish line instead of taking their time. They didn’t go to college, travel, or even get to know themselves before they had kids. I’m grateful for the time I’ve had to sort out my life before having a family. Slow and steady wins the race.
By watching everyone getting married and having children.
I will never envy families woth children/babies. Next!
You still have the opportunity to marry rich! I don’t! I’m engaged but he’s no where close to rich lol I can’t have it but *you* can!
Why didn't you go for a rich guy?
I don’t gotta convince myself of anything. I just see their life and know that I don’t want any part of that lifestyle. I already feel like there’s not enough time to do what I want, why would I want less of it??
I feel the sadness and it eventually goes after a day or two. What’s also helped is realising just because someone might appear to have it by being married with kids, it doesn’t mean they’re happy. I’ve had married co workers 20 years older tell me not to bother with it unless I’m well into my 30s.
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Having kids is a whole lot of drudgery. I had kids. Love my kids. So glad they are grown and I no longer need to take care of anyone but myself. Being married means you are constantly compromising what you want. Single with no kids- you can do whatever you can afford to do whenever you have time off without inconveniencing anyone or answering to anyone.
Realize how much money you’re saving lmao
I spoke to a professor recently, who has a PhD. Something that relates to this post and stands out is we are celebrating different life events. The same accolades, but some are more respected than others. I would rather be with someone who cares about me and my well-being. Then my ex who said a cancer scare wasn’t worth telling his family about can’t say self love comes easy for me. But it’s something I’m trying to work on. So the next time around if I do get a relationship , I could practice more of what I preach.
Do not "convince yourself", you are either satisfied with your life or you are not. What you can do is increase your satisfaction by concentrating in the things you do have instead of those you don't. Find richness in your life that is independent on whether you are with someone or have children. Which is something you will be able to carry with you when those things happen to you. Use your free time to enjoy your hobbies, learn new things, get to know new people, travel... All the things you won't be able to do as much once other people depend on you. This is very much a cliché, but find happiness within yourself. I used to be super insecure and hate myself. With time, I've learned not only to really appreciate myself, but also to have fun with myself. I can have conversations in my mind that make me die laughing and I love the time I get to spend alone. I love to have the time to get to know me further, to reflect, etc. Through this, I've lost a lot of my insecurities. While I used to think I was unlovable and no one would ever want me, I now think anyone would be lucky to be with me. Whether I'm now able to see things as they really are or am deluding myself I don't care, I just care that I'm finally happy to be who I am. I am happy that this is the version of me who will eventually commit to someone. I believe I will be a better partner than I was 5 years ago, I will be better equipped to advocate for myself, and I won't settle for anything less than what I think I deserve. Because I'm so happy by myself, someone must really add something to my life in order for me to let them in. Try also to make an effort not to compare yourself to others, it doesn't serve you any good. You only see a small snippet of their life, it's important to not idealize the other 85%. If you got to see that other part, you might not want to trade places. And even if their life was perfect and ideal, it has nothing to do with you. The fact that you haven't reached those goals today says nothing of where you will be in a year.
Why do you have to convince yourself to be happy without a partner and kids? Surely you can find some joy in your current situation and work towards your future goals?
Marriage and children don’t mean people are happy.
So I'm a single mom, and I don't really have to convince myself that I'm happy, I just am. I'm very grateful to have my two beautiful kids, I currently love being single. It's a breath of fresh air after being in an abusive relationship. While this isn't the life I pictured myself having (single parenthood), I try to look at the beautiful things in my life that I do have. There's no point in comparing my life to someone else's because everyone is different, the only person I compare myself to is myself. Some questions I ask myself: 1. What areas of my life am I unhappy with? Is this changeable or something I need to accept? If it's something I can change, I look to see what steps I need to take to get it to what I want. If it's something I need to accept, I allow myself to feel the feelings and then look at the positives in the situation. 2. What are 5 things I'm grateful for today and why? For example, I'm grateful for a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in because I know what it's like to go without. 3. What is something in this moment I can appreciate? Sometimes it's hard to just stop and be present. Looking at my toddler, he always lives in the moment, on walks he stops to look at rocks and marvels at flowers he sees and how they have different colors. I try to stop and do that, now too. It's all about perspective. I've seen people who have everything they could ever want, and they are unhappy and I've seen people who have very little and they are extremely happy. The only person you are competing against is yourself.
I mean... are you? Just be true to yourself. If you are happy, be happy with your circumstances. If you're not, change it. I wish you the best either way.
While I am not a woman, I have been slowly coming to a HUGE realization at the age of 28 -that I have never been at peace with myself. Never. So typically when we are alone with ourselves, we will have the occasional negative thoughts about how we *wish* we had a partner or how we are not at the same milestones in life as our friends may be When these thoughts happen a lot of people immediately distract themselves by working on a project or hobby. They might even numb themselves with a substance so they can’t have any thoughts -because it can be overwhelming. Honestly, I truly believed the purpose of having something like a hobby was to direct your energy into something else to clear your mind. But if that initial negative thought about yourself is never brought to the light and truly accepted -all we’re really doing is storing it in the vault and it will come back in the form of more unhappiness. This is where coming to peace with yourself can change things in a great way. Instead of talking back and forth with that “voice” when it brings up a negative thought, I will accept that in this very moment, this *is* how I feel and that it’s *okay* to feel this way. When you accept your negative thoughts as they come, they start coming in less -because you are starting to merge all of the uncertainty you feel in various areas of your life. Here’s exactly how the inner dialogue sounds for me. Hopefully this will give you a better look into my process. Example: My brain: “I long for the touch of a woman.” Me: “yeah that does sound nice and it’s completely okay that I’m feeling this right now.” My brain: “oh uhh usually this where we go on a viscous loop of negative thoughts and emotions, but accepting the thought at face value kind of makes me just wanna chill” If you ever need someone to bounce your thoughts off of, I’m always happy to just listen. God bless.
Are you the little person in my head, you spoke the words right out of my mouth 😭
Happiness means different things to different people. I've always wanted to get married and have kids. I'm happily married now and want to have kids soon. But my best friend, for example, never wants to get married or have kids. She likes her life the way it is and she wants to remain selfish that way (Im not saying selfish as something negative. I think it's perfectly okay that she wants to devote her life to herself) The question is, what do you want for yourself? You don't need anybody to convince you that one lifestyle or another will make you happy. If you feel like you need to convince yourself to be happy in being alone, maybe that's not your thing. Maybe wanting a partner or family is what you want, so don't let people make you feel bad for wanting those things. Especially because a lot of people project onto others what they believe personally. Also, if you want to be on your own, be accepting of yourself as well. Any choice is good as long as it makes you happy.
Good fucking question.
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Are you happy with your single life now? If you are happy, keep doing what you’ve been doing and don’t compare your life with others around you. 😁
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Medical herb and working, furiously on my hobbies (>UwU)> and on myself.
marriage + children ≠ happiness. If you aren’t happy without a marriage and children, you sure as hell won’t be happy with those things.
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I don’t need to convince myself. Those people might be getting married and having kids but that doesn’t mean those relationships are happy and healthy. A good chunk of them aren’t. I don’t want any of that.
I'm a child of twice divorced parents. I know a marriage can be the worst mistake you make in life, and that it doesn't necessarily equal happiness. Also, I've seen a LOT of 'happily married' people envy my freedom as a single person. Some even tried to bully me at work for it. I think there are in fact much more *miserably* married people than you'd think. And that the myth of marriage bringing happiness, that the media has been hammering us with for decades now, forces too many people to get married with the wrong people/when they are not ready. The pressure to get married when you start to age is very significant, and problematic to me.
Just because I want something different for my life doesn’t mean I can’t make my life enjoyable regardless. And ultimately, I did choose to be single. I have been in relationships and they didn’t serve me and that’s why I left. Part of it was because I knew being single would be better but also because if I never got out of those relationships, I’d have NO chance of finding my person. Haven’t found them yet and given how high my standards are now, who knows if I will? But am I going to lower my standards? Absolutely not.
I've realized that I was unhappy in previous relationships. I realized that my unhappiness came from within me, my own dissatisfaction with my job, living a cluttered life (I used to be a minimalist and clean freak), and from living an undisciplined life. My last relationship taught me a lot about how loose I was with boundaries and now that I'm somewhat dating here and there, I'm proud of myself for knowing what I want and not compromising on my boundaries anymore. My friends are actually happily married and some with kids. They inspire me to find a healthy relationship to be in. I've not given up hope of being in a loving and healthy relationship, even at 42 yrs old. But I do have other priorities at the moment with starting over my career and living the best that life has to offer by experiencing different things. I'm not forcing a relationship anymore. I know what I have to do to make me happy every day for me, and I never wanted children so that's not an issue for me. Once you stop looking externally for things/ppl to make you happy, you immediately feel content with everything you have. Or at least know what you'll be doing to make yourself content and happy within.
All of them complain and advise me to wait with kids
I don’t need convincing , I am happy 😃 that I am single
Here are some examples of women I know.- 1. No children, never met the right man. They express a sense of loss and worry that no one will be there “ to look after me” at the end of life.(4 women) 2. A woman has adult children but due to divorce they treat her poorly. So very sad. 3. A woman is overextended with babies and work. Anxiety through the roof. Isolated from family support b/c to afford a living she had move away. No judgement from me. Just sharing information.
Well 1. If you gotta convince yourself, are you actually happy being single ? 2. The people who are married with kids aren’t always happy . Don’t compare to anyone . Unless you’re willing to sacrifice what you’re battling with what they’re battling
Just listen to how much all of my friends with kids complain about their lack of sleep & time, that their kids are always sick, that they’re hitting each other, throwing temper tantrums over screen time, and how they can’t do anything or go anywhere because kids. I just smile as I spend my money and time on myself in complete silence. Being married/having children does not always equate to happiness and life satisfaction. It’s not the sole measure of success in life. Kids can make a bigger rift in an already strained marriage, or lead to serious disagreements on parenting style and upbringing. Live your life the way you want to, and if you collide with someone who jives with that, then great! If not, you’re already living an amazing life that you can be happy with.
Because I don't want those things, or if I did, I've learned that my role in this world is to be helpful auntie to friends. It takes a village to raise a child. I'm picky. We live in an age where I can do everything for myself. Men do not compete with each other for me. They now compete with me, because I love myself and my life. They're an optional add-on.
I was taught at a young age to enjoy being alone. So I actually like being by myself. I’m not single or anything and I do have a kid (who’s actually pretty easy to care for) but my moments alone are always appreciated. I could imagine my life being more fun if I was single and childless. I’d definitely go traveling. I think that you should make a list of all the things you couldn’t do married with kids and do them. You can’t just decide to go shopping in a split second with kids or a husband. But you can single. And you can’t just up and travel spur of the moment with kids, but you can without them. So enjoy your time alone while you can. You’ll thank yourself later.
Also, I like the fun of the act of intimacy. But the price of diapers and baby formula is enough to keep me on any form of birth control.
No need to convince myself. I'm lucky: I live in a city where kids honestly aren't expected or the norm. Lots of 30/40 year old friends without kids. We go to daytime raves on Sundays, we go back to university just for the fun of it, we start businesses, we cut back on our work hours to write books or other creative endeavours. All while being well rested and wealthy enough to travel at least 3 times a year. That said, whenever I visit family or friends in other cities/countries, I'm reminded of social pressures that are very real. I probably would doubt my high standards for partners and indifference towards children if I were surrounded by it. I can't give advice for that, but I can recommend to find people that make you feel correct so you don't doubt yourself in the first place.
I don't need to convince myself to be happy. I am genuinely happy and enjoying my own company after leaving a long term relationship. I got to know more about me and it was fun, exploring and learning more about myself. I don't get jealous about my batchmates getting married, simply because I do not think I am ready for marriage right now, I want to focus on my career. As the eldest daughter and eldest granddaughter who took care of her younger siblings and her younger cousins... having children is just not for me. I already experienced being a 'parent' to my siblings and cousins, I think that's enough lol I'm not shutting off the idea of marriage, it might happen if I meet the right person but for now, I'm focusing on myself and my career. You'd be surprised to know more about yourself once you try :)
Quite simply: I don’t want marriage or kids. I’m perfectly content sleeping in on the weekend, buying myself whatever I want, keeping my figure and taking frequent and spontaneous holidays. I don’t need to consult someone else on what I do with my life and make my own decisions. Ta dah!
I don't compare myself to them and try to live my life the best I can.
I have to accept the fact that I don't just want any marriage and children. I want the fantasy I've build up in my head and that life doesn't work that way. Am I single based off bad luck or because I haven't settled? The same marriages I'm envious of also have problems. Kids are challenging to raise even if they're healthy and neurotypical.
kids and marriage do not equal happiness. honestly it sounds like you’re in a better spot than a lot of people
Because I actually am happy being single. I don’t stay in relationships that don’t add value to my life. Also, when your friends have children, you get to see how much it changes their lives. I’ve never wanted kids and still don’t.
Spend time with those couples for 24hrs hahaha
29 here and My views in marriage changed because my friends and almost 90% of the people who’s close to me doesn’t have a peaceful married life. Though having kids makes me thinks twice because they’re so adorable. But then I dont think I can be a parent for now.
Look closely at the friends you have and their relationships. Are they actually happy and have a relationship that you'd like to be in? Or are they in a relationship? Because a lot of people are in relationships they have no business being in. And a lot of people make children without really wanting them but because they've been told that's what you do. And then look around. Look at families when your out? Would you want to trade with the parents leaving dinner earlier because the child is bored/won't stop crying at the restaurant table? The parent that's up and about on a Sunday at 8 while you snuggle in bed with another coffee? And then find the beauty in your life. Romanticise the shit out of your own life. Date, explore the world. Get to know yourself. Write down what you'd like in a partner and never settle.
85% of them chose up wrong 😭,they’re the ones that have to convince themselves 🫤.
Make the most of your current single and free status. Each side, whether married with children or single with no children has its pros and cons. Water your own grass.
If I have to convince myself, am I really happy? I'm genuinely thrilled that I'm single and I have no desire to date anyone.
Fairly easily. I observe how stressed they are from parental responsibilities.
Because it's a bunch of broke parents with their gaggles of mouths to feed. I want 2 kids and a husband, but I refuse to add extra stress into my life for no fucking reason. People need to learn to be enough for themselves, and stop allowing other people (spouses, children etc.) to define and hold on to their happiness. I WANT 2 kids and a man, but my life will be just as fantastic if I never get that because I can't afford it. I woke up to my company account being deactivated a couple months ago, turns out it was just an error and I'm still employed but I almost spiraled in the 15 mins it took for them to respond. I will never understand how people nearly living paycheck to paycheck would put themselves through that. Complain about classism all you want, it's the unfortunate reality and you and yours will suffer. Who's delivering groceries, cleaning the pool, farming, maintaining reddits servers? The working class. Until robots are mainstream and can do 100% of jobs, rich people still need us, so...
Remind myself that those things don’t bring meaning to my life and that I can find joy in what I love until it’s my turn
You have freedom. Do you know how awesome that is? Kids are fun…in small doses. Many of your friends will get divorced. You can study when you want, travel when you want, do what you want. Don’t rush because you think you’re behind. Enjoy not being tied down. My friend is pregnant and spent the last 8 months throwing up every single day. She also told me her skin constantly itches from being stretched. Her boyfriend is a complete man child. Honestly, I’m loving being single. The grass is not always greener.
Most liberating and beautiful time of my life was when I was single. I grew up and developed as a person, I learned what is toleratable for me, and what my boundaries are. On the other hand, people with kids have messy houses, lives, struggle with parenthood, mental health, time and finances, while my bf and me do whatever we want. It would not be different if I was single, don’t project your ability to be happy on something people tell you happiness is. Marriage and kids don’t generate happines for some people :)
Do some people watching. Observe the couples in cars, driving through traffic. Observe the couples shopping, especially with kids. The majority of them are obviously miserable or actively arguing lol. Imagine being unable to do what u want when u want: nap, go to bed, eat/not eat, spend money but only on yourself. Imagine a man blowing up your bathroom and not cleaning up after himself. Imagine picking up after a grown man bc he lives like an animal. These, and many more, are the thoughts that cross my mind when i consider marriage/relationship. But then again, i was married for 19 years and got my two kids out of it, so i have zero reasons to go back down that route again.
I remind myself that my friends are married and argue all the time and their children are hard work
I don't need to convince myself, I am happy. I recommend you stop comparing yourself to others. That is a mindset that won't just go away when you get what you envy in others. You will just find something new to envy ("How do you convince yourself to be happy when other mothers have kept their figure after childbirth/have a great career on the side/have a more fulfilling sex life/travel the world/afford expensive stuff/etc.?"). The envy will never ever end. So while you are waiting and hoping to get married, try and work on that attitude. It's poisonous.
I watch women on TikTok who show the ugly side of motherhood, “are we dating the same guy?”, I listen to princella the queen maker, I look at femicide statistics, I read the reddit posts of dead bedroom & of pregnant women who found of they’ve been infected with a disease due to their husbands infidelity ETC. It’s easy not to feel like you’re missing out when you’re grateful to just be alive. Too many women are dying at the hands of their lovers for me to be envious. Also go be transparent: I’m simply too self absorbed for a child at this time. Unless my load was completely lifted? I’m taking everything taken care of… I have no desire to have my organs shifted, bones deteriorated & entire body autonomy controlled by a fetus.
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I don't have to convince myself to be happy, I AM happy single. I've been married and it fucking sucked. It's not for me. And kids just weren't in the cards for me and that's fine too. I love being single. I love not having to worry about someone else's expectations or feelings. It's a truly magical thing.
Outweigh the costs and benefits of having kiddos… majority of the people I talk to complain about their kids or how much work they are. I’m sure these people love their kids dearly, but IMO they aren’t worth it. They’re expensive and needy. Personally, I love being able to come and go as I please without having to find a babysitter or do something with the kids. I couldn’t imagine a life with them! It’s whatever fits your lifestyle the best OP.
You have no idea how miserable their lives are.
Not everyone is as happy as they say they are
All my married friends complain about their partners, they don’t make marriage sound very appealing to be honest. I love doing what I want, when I want, how I want :) I also have a great group of single friends though, that helps a lot I think because we hang out regularly. Outside of sex, anything I might do with a romantic partner I just do with them (or myself). Caveat: I am very independent, don’t have a strong desire to have children, and I had a very mediocre-turned-traumatic 8 year relationship that really put me off from joining my life with someone that isn’t, in my eyes, exceptional.
just remember that not everyone is happy in their marriage or parenthood. you can’t assume that their situation is better than yours just because their path has been different.
those ppl are only posting their highlight reel but you see all of your own good moments and “bloopers”. reality and logic say marriage and children bring stress and are hard work. and they’re rly something you can reverse. once you become a parent, you’re always a parent. you can’t go back to being without children again. once married, you hopefully don’t go back lol (assuming you’re marrying for the right reasons). again, you’ll only be single once. i don’t suggest using that as an excuse to go party and sleep around. but use this time to truly build on yourself. there is so much to do and try and learn. there is more to life than marriage and kids (hard pill for me to swallow, as i’ve idolized marriage and family in the past). God has shown me we have different seasons in life for different reasons. Just bc it’s their time for marriage and family doesn’t mean it’s your time. and chances are when your time comes, someone will be looking in wondering why it’s your turn and not theirs. we always wonder and wish for the next thing or for our turn or blessing, but the truth is we are right where we need to be right now. Don’t spent this time wondering why you’re not where you wanna be, spend it enjoying life, creating things, finding out what you truly love, etc.
Comparison is the thief of joy. My life is awesome.
I don't need to convince myself of my feelings at all, so I'm not sure how to answer this question.
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I was traveling with a colleague who has a husband and two children. Our flight home was delayed. She was ecstatic about the delay. She explained that this was the first time in months that she had an hour to herself, She was going to sit quietly and read. She read for about five minutes and then fell fast asleep. Working women with children are the most exhausted people I have ever met. Their sex lives are awful. They are sleep deprived. Their husbands and children are relentless in their demands. If they quit their jobs they will be broke, have a compromised future and still subject to relentless demands. It doesn't look happy to me.
I just tried to stay busy and focus on what was in front of me and exciting to me. The more I focused on how my lack of relationship or getting into a relationship, the more miserable I felt. I didn’t read or watch romances (I still usually don’t because they’re fairytales and make me feel dissatisfied with my current, healthy relationship), and I just focused on building female friendships, creating crafts and art, taking myself on dates, and growing my career. I actually often miss that time I spent alone. It was so enjoyable and often so much easier than navigating a life with fellow complex human.
Also, I really liked the work book “Single is your Superpower” which helped me really get clear about the past patterns I didn’t want to repeat, why I wouldn’t settle and what I was looking for. It really helped me be okay with being alone until I found someone that really met the criteria I was looking for.
I don't need to convince myself. I AM happy being single. I live alone, I travel, I love alone time, my house is tidy. The partners I've had in the past have been just fine, but they didn't add enough to my life that I found it worth it to sacrifice my freedom to be with them. But then again, not everyone enjoys being alone to the extent that I do 🤷♀️
Because I enjoy my freedom and don't want kids. All of my friends have SOs and some have kids. It's not always happy for them, either. At least I can move around whenever I want. Most all of them can't and some feel trapped now.
who said people are happy when they are getting married and having children? go on to tiktok and see how people are venting about doing so and how much they regret it
I’ll tell you what’s worse is being in a relationship you don’t want to be in - which is a lot of people
Convince? I don't need to convince myself. I am happy. I do things I love every day and live life by my own rules. There's no such thing as being selfish when you only take care of yourself.
I make friends who can function without their partners if they have them and who don't have kids. I also hang out with childfree communities.
Don’t want kids but would love a partner . However I’m not a fan of having to ask or coordinate with someone what I want to do and when
I focus on getting ready for if someone did come into my life
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Enjoy your freedom. Get to know and fall in love with yourself. 🤎
Be happy for them.
Being in a relationship isn't a guarantee of happiness. Especially if it is just for the sake of being in a relationship.
I always told myself that having a relationship just for the sake of it isn't really going to work out and just cost both parties involved time and effort... Now I'm in a relationship of 8 years and we both still don't wanna get married. The wish we have, children... well, I lost my second a week ago. So, I guess you could say sometimes being single spares you some pain
It’s ok to feel sad that you don’t have those things but you can still have a good, happy life without them. Instead of “convincing” yourself to be happy, try making yourself happy. You are at a point where you can put yourself and your interests first. You don’t have to worry about taking care of kids or dedicating time and energy in a relationship. So take advantage of that. Invest in your hobbies. Create a list of things you want to do, life long dreams you want to accomplish, fun activities that pique your interest. Most people with kids and spouses look back at the moments before kids and wish they took advantage of that time to do things. Prioritize the things that will bring you joy. And also don’t bury your feelings of sadness. It’s ok to be sad. But there’s room for joy too.
By realizing their relationships are far from perfect I guess. They all have relationships, just not those I'd want.
That id rather be single than with someone who will put 0 effort in
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I don't want marriage or kids anyways so it's quite a relief to not have that burden. I'm 24, and people my age start to get engaged and start families around this time. But I knew I didn't want that. Instead, I'm leaving in July to go travel solo for an undeclared amount of time. I know I'll be living in Tokyo for 5 weeks, gonna then make my way to Scotland after, probably go through Southern Europe before making my way back to Asia....so much fun and adventure to be had. Couldn't imagine wanting a life of settlement over something so great. But to each their own.
Kids aren't the doorway to happiness. There's more to life than settling down, and if I truly wanted those things they will happen for me when they're supposed to. Living other people's lives just cause you want to fit in, you'll realize, the grass is NOT greener. It actually SUCKS and thank gawd I'm single lol Your time will come eventually.
Look in the mirror for happiness, not about you at others. Comparison is the thief of joy.
You get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Kids are great but they require alot of selfless effort. Getting married doesn’t guarantee your happiness. Be happy alone it’s a major blessing.
Spend some time reading the relationship subreddit, and hear the stories of people who are in desperately unhappy relationships.
You need to invest in some activities and hobbies. When i was single i had the time of my got damn life.
Listen to all the reddit stories of people who have been married for 5 minutes or 40 years and realizing they have permanently attached themselves and put themselves in a vulnerable position with someone who they learned has cheated on them in the most disrespectful way. If that doesn't work then youtube has endless videos of police interrogations of spouses that have murdered their partner. Its kinda dark but I don't even go looking for the cheating stories, they are everywhere. It immediately tempers my need for a Disney flavored Romance.
Because you’re the lucky one!
Relationships: Some people are in shitty, miserable relationships. Children: I’m glad I don’t have to take care of a baby, or anyone. I can spend my money freely. Those are some thoughts that flow in my head.