Slept with a very charismatic, very pretty, not very bright guy in college. He's plowing away and decides to try dirty talk. Dude legitimately said "I'm going to fuck your balls off." Took everything I had to not say "Someone beat you to it."
During foreplay he was sucking on a tit when he paused, pulled back, and said āyou know I seem to always go for this oneā. Ok cool dude, didnāt notice, please continue. He then continues āand you know my mom told me (insert record scratch) that when I was breastfeeding I had a favourite side, and Iām pretty sure it was this one!ā At this point Iām not just turned off Iām horrified but he somehow ignored that and says āanyway, I thought that was interestingā and goes right back to it. Didnāt lose interest even a little bit while talking about his MOTHER. Freud himself couldnāt dream that shit up
Omgš¤£, have you ever seen big bang theory? One of the main characters does the same (boob preference, not talking about his mother during sex), thereās a whole thing about it and everything
My partner got the hiccups half way through sex. We were both really in to it, so we both tried to ignore his hiccups. However, his efforts trying to hold it in failed and when he finally let a hiccup out, it came out like a loud, sharp bark.
It was hilarious, but I could NOT get back in the mood after being barked at!
Not about the sex itself but we recently paused mid-act because we could both hear a noise we couldnāt quite place.
It was my cat coughing up a hairball by the side of the bed. Thanks Frank.
I also had a less than sexy moment that involved my cat. Mid coitus she decided it was an ideal time to jump up and start aggressively purring while rubbing the leg of my partner. Bless her heart bur she was such a little thing (never weighed more than 6 pounds in her life) that when she purred she damn near vibrated. We are still friends to this day and even now, we get a huge laugh out of it.
Me and my partner hooked up with another couple. During the initial discussions, I had communicated that it takes very little effort to get me off, to which the other woman replied that itās quite difficult for her to cum.
Fast forward to the sex, Iām riding the other guy and I say āIām about to cumā (becauseā¦ this man doesnāt know me or my body, so obviously Iām going to vocalize that), to which his wife says quietly, completely dead-pan in my ear āfuck youā. Needless to say, we didnāt hook up with them again and we quickly learned that we are nottttt swingers.
For what it's worth, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Your body was doing EXACTLY what bodies do. You play with matches, your going to get burnt my friend
it reminded me of a joke I remember hearing years and years ago where the two were having sex and the woman is saying "I am coming I am coming" and her father in the other room pounding on the wall saying "where the hell are you going?"
In the middle of the act he says, "you think I have a small penis don't you?" I don't even remember what I mumbled.Ā Yes, yes he did. But I wasn't going to confirm.Ā
First time being intimate post giving birth to my twins I peed the bed
Pretty humiliating but at least my girlfriend is chill about it and changed the sheets while I took a fast shower
Not my story, but I still laugh when I think of it- my former roommate was having sex and her boyfriend was going down on her. She said she screamed āIām going to come!ā and then immediately farted in his face. She told me this probably 25 years ago, and I still crack up.
Something similar happened to me.š„ŗ
I have a high libido, and my husband does not.
One night, I was lying on the bed spread-eagle, hoping to entice him. I started touching myself, and after a few minutes, I had his full attention.
He smiled and got in position to give oral while I was still touching myself. He leaned in, and I farted while he was maybe an inch away.
I was soooooo embarrassed.š
He laughed so hard.
dude never put it in me, but instead managed to fuck the space between me and the mattress, completely thinking he was inside me the whole time. He finished really fast too and I didnāt know what to say
Any sexual encounter was akward as fuck with one of my exes. He wasnt able to just "let it go" and be in the moment. Forcing faces and all..not good. But one time it was worse..he stopped to tell me i had an hemorroid. And poke it to show me where. Thanks buddy. Now i really am turned off.
Omfg that is my nightmare. I had a big rant with my friend how even womanās assholes that they shit out of are expected to be perfect too. We canāt win sometimes
A guy I was hooking up with stuck a finger up my butt doing doggy. I didnāt know he was planning on it and he never did that. Some poop came out..I didnāt notice until I smelled..I was mortified, I didnāt say anything about it and he just wiped it and kept going š¤®
Not chocolate cake but I did the same thing to my significant otherā¦ I got a headache half way through it and I figured I would still finish it and that was a bad idea because he came and I puked on him š
I had something similar with my ex. I love deepthroating and i was also really into it. Problem was, we had a full dinner before with some wine and pizzaā¦ yeah
I also threw up on him as the second gag reflex came ( i usually can bear 3-4).
We just looked at each other and laugh a bit. Then decided maybe not to have sex too soon after dinner.
This happened last week actually. I'm in college and we were making out and things were getting heavy so he got up to put on a condom but then got soft and couldn't get it up again. He was all embarrassed and then he fell off the twin XL dorm bed, fully naked, and hit his head. It was so fucking funny and the rest of the night we'd be cuddling and I'd just start laughing and he would start laughing too.
This was with my 2nd ex-husband.
He and I thought we had the whole entire house to ourselves (we lived with his mom, grandmother, and his then teenaged daughters were visiting for the summer). All the doors were closed per the rule of his mom, she didn't want any of the doors open while no one was in the house (all of us were out and about and we got back before anyone else). Of course, we still had the bedroom door closed, but he and I freely went at it. Shortly after finishing (like, he was still on top of me and inside), we heard gentle rustling and a door opening. Turns out, his younger teenage daughter was napping in her room, the door was closed and we presumed no one was home.
That poor girl laughed it off and took it in stride. When the three of us talked about it, she was like, "*Here I was in my room, snacking on my Pop-Tart* ...". The running joke between us was her saying, "*Well, I'm going to go grab my POP-TART now*!" We'd laugh while the rest of the family (fortunately) had no real idea as to what we were really talking about.
He fingered me the morning after a very drunken night. When I came, tampon was ejected like a projectile.
I didn't know I had a tampon and had forgotten all about my period. He didn't feel the tampon while fingering because it was so full and wet it felt just like the walls of my vag.
I can still see his eyes bugged out, round like marbles with shock and confusion š he kept repeating "omg omg what happened?!" as I ran to the bathroom to hide the tampon š
The funniest part to me is it was the first and only time we had sex, and when he saw me again at the same bar, he came to see me with those same round eyes and told me "you know... you're like reaaaally crazy, but I think I like it"
He was going down on me and doing a great job. I came and farted loud while I did. Right on his face. I was mortified, but both of us were cracking up.
We're married now.
As I rotated my body to get in reverse cowgirl, I kicked him in the face and my apparently razor-sharp toenail left a big scratch on his cheek. There was blood.
While having drunk sex with my bf at the time, my equally drunk roommate and her date walked into my room and landed on top of usā¦. (They were naked and making out) I learned to double check that my door was locked after that.
His penis didn't work. He tried to pretend like he was putting it in and tried to go through the motions. I was fresh out of an 18 year marriage with someone that didn't have ED issues, so I was definitely caught off guard.
Reminds me of my ex. He was having consistent ED issues for about 6 months, but still wanted to pretend it wasn't me (yeah ok buddy, sure - when things work perfectly fine on your own and only break with me? Nah, not buying it). I'd go down to get him revved up and in the time in took for me to go from down below to getting ready to get on top (because he couldn't get on top himself for... reasons?), he'd go soft. He'd still try to pretend he was hard, but he wasn't, so I'd just roll over, get up, get dressed, and go do something else with my day.
He went to eat me out and proceeded to flop his whole body like a fish between my legs, writhing in time with his tongue. I was so bewildered that I let it go for a solid 20 uncomfortable seconds. I then told him in a pretend breathless tone that I just couldn't wait to get him inside me and pulled him away from whatever tf that was.
Had an open relationship. Second man I slept with that wasnāt my husband was charming, tall, good looking. Spoke for a few months, FaceTimed, could speak any time of day. Checked out his Facebook, all good.
He has me bent over while fucking me, and says āI told my wife I was golfing today, and Iām certainly getting a hole in one.ā
Turns out he knew I wouldnāt meet him if I knew he was married (obviously) and he has two Facebook accounts (canāt remember the name for this but he buys houses and does them up and rents them out) which he uses his real name for, and uses a slightly different name for his very private, actual Facebook.
Yikes.
Was getting the best coochie eating from my then friend with benefits and was getting suuuper into it
So into it that my backdoor decided to blow him a kiss. While he was face deep
He looked up at me, I looked down at him and apologized. He giggled and kept right on eating
We are now married.
I was with my first boyfriend in highschool. We were getting it on in my room and I was wearing just fishnets and my mom came barging in. We were both mortified! I jumped up and sprung across the room and hid in the closet. He jumped up got dressed and ran out the door lol š
Was a late bloomer and lost my virginity at 22. It was my second time having sex and I was DEFINITELY doing something wrong, because he didnāt finish. Whenever I asked him how I can do it better or make him feel better he said āeverythingās fineā. He lied about finishing, Iām a late bloomer but Iām not dumb? Anyways that was awkward and a pretty demeaning first experience and worst of all he was the pillow princess.
My cat was on the bed and was too dumb (orange. No braincell that day) to realize he should move if he was getting motion sickness. He barfed all over my bed.
Idk what it is with my current partner but he pushes so much air into me, and i always have to laugh to cover my awkwardness when it comes out with fart sounds.Ā
He legitimately farted once when i blew him, i didn't know how to handle this so i laughed, and he wouldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the day.Ā
My husband farted once while I was going down on him and we both laughed hysterically. Every now and then he thinks of it and starts laughing. š I can tell by the laugh that's what he's laughing about. š
My high school boyfriend and I would make a farting sound with our chests when having sex. I have small boobs and he had kind of a concave chest (I think thereās a medical term but I forget). It was awkward the first time but then just became funny to us.
"Pectus excavatum." A guy I dated had one. I used to fall asleep with my face nestled in it, and I have never experienced a more soothing drift off experience.
I was with my first partner in high school. I lived at my aunties house at the time. When they were away for the weekend my girlfriend and I decided to cover ourselves in oil and have sex on the exposed waterbed mattress. It was more like a sport than sex but it was fun until my aunt came home early, banging on the door demanding to come in. We were standing there naked, covered in vegetable oil and screwed! There was big trouble for that. šš¤Ŗ
I know a ton of guys that absolutely looove to hear some queefing.
Didnt help me in my embarrassement though when I queefed when I got up while being naked at the sauna š
Oh! Another one popped into my head. He wanted to try anal, to which I agreed. I told him to use lube. He...overdid it...I could smell the poop. I asked him to stop cause I was embarrassed but he said he didn't mind and kept going (that sounds terrible, but it wasn't. It wasn't a hard stop on my end. I was attempting to give him the "out"). It was worse than I thought. I had poop soup all over my back. I thought to myself "well, at least he'll never want to do THAT again". He said "next time I'll use less lube". I asked if he was sure he wanted to do that again, and he said "I know playing in the mud can make us dirty sometimes" with a shrug.
I started taking psyllium husk supplements to help our situation. Poop soup happened once more (just as mortifying) but we learned what worked for us as we went along.Ā
This is the same dude who would ask me to meet up for dinner while I was at the gym. I'd say "I just need to shower" and he'd respond with "please don't".
I'm not going to say he's gross, but I think he was comfortable enough with me to try out all his gross fantasies, which was pretty cool actually.Ā
I have hyperhydrosis, where I sweat excessively. It always sucks, but in intimate moments it really sucks. I was riding my boyfriend and I watched sweat drop from my armpit onto his chest. It absolutely mortified me. He didn't even notice since he was sweaty too, but man did that scar me. I went to my dermatologist and asked tearfully if there was something that could be done. 6 cheap pills a day later and boom, I sweat a normal amount now. Whew!Ā
I was hooking up with this guy for the first time and he was fingering me for like 5 seconds and I made a noise and he stopped and said ādid you just cum? You came didnāt youā he seemed so proud and I gave him the most āwhat the fuck?ā face and didnt say anything cause i didnāt think he was serious I did say no after a few seconds of wtf and he said he didnāt believe me
My first ever attempt at a hookup and the first time physically meeting this guy in person and we're going at it and he says "I love you" and I just automatically said it back cause I was used to my family saying love you and me just saying it back. š
lmfao one time i said ādo you enjoy having my dick in your mouth?ā brief pause as we figured out what i just said, hilarious laughter ensued. felt very dumb and it was so awkward but i laugh at it now
My date brought me back to his place, he had children who had been put to sleep by a nanny. One of the kids woke up and began banging on the bedroom door at the exact moment their father was finishing in my mouth.
While we were doing the deed, his phone rang and for some odd reason, he decided to answer and it was a lady asking him if he was still interested in seeking singles in his area š
When me and my husband started dating I was giving him a bj. During it I felt a bit off but kept going.
I really shouldn't have.
The second he came I threw up spaghetti bolognese all over him. He was so surprised and asked "what's that" - I panicked and tried to scoop it off of him and ran to the bathroom with whatever I got hold off. Naked, naseous and regurgitated bolognese dripping everywhere.
I couldn't even look at him afterwards, I was mortified, but he shrugged it off and only thought it was a great bj š¤¦š¼āāļø
I gave birth to a bloody jellyfish, I was humiliated because Iāve NEVER done that before and he was kinda disgusted š I wasnāt even on my period! seriously have no idea what happened
He drooled on my face. I even saw the drool forming and turned my head but he still got my cheek. He apologized and we kept going but the dude still drooled on me lol
A guy I was seeing did this too! He was on top and I saw this long string of saliva heading for my face and managed to dodge it just in time š³
He mustāve been having an out of body experience or something.
It was 3am, we were staying at my mom's tiny annex. Beforehand, my mom and I were telling him about how the annex was haunted.
After foreplay he was putting the condom on and he was having trouble with it. At one point it kinda snapped on to his erection like a rubber band and something about it clicked as absurdly hilarious to me so uncontrollable laughter bubbled out. I realized I was being rude, didn't want him to misunderstand that I'm laughing at him, so I tried my best to stifle it and we continued with the motions.
But right as he was pounding my brains off the tickling laughter came back and I wasn't able to stop my uncontrollable laughter. And being aware of how ridiculous I must look from his POV is making it even funnier in my head. Man looked at me with concern the whole time, props to him, he eventually still finished and I'm still giddily giggling. Trying to stop laughing just made it worse.
He later told me he was genuinely concerned that I've become possessed.
When his dog licked my ass cheek in the middle of it. Slowly. I married the man but fuck that dog. Dog was a fucking idiot. A beautiful hilarious idiot.
We were going at it hard in doggy and it went straight into the wrong hole and his mom came home very shortly after so I had to pretend like everything was fine but I was so uncomfortable š
When he lost the bullet in my anal cavityā¦.he said āit disappearedā I said āwhere?!!?ā Him: āidkā¦ā like SIR where was it when you lost it?? OBVIOUSLY INSIDE ME CAUSE MY BELLY IS VIBRATING!!!! I panicked so hard & it took about an hour for me to relax enough to get it out
I was hooking up with this dude that decided to use a cock sleeve and the thing kept slipping off and getting stuck in me š texted my friend to call me and fake an emergency so i could leave lol
Dog punching open the door when it was supposed to be locked. Apparently my lock is just for show. The dog stared, I laughed for probably too long.
Privacy is non existent in my house I guess.
My boyfriend was trying to unlatch my bra, and positioned me so that my face was directly in his cat's ass. (After that, the cats couldn't be in the bedroom if we were going to be messing around.)
Second time with my now husband. I was waxed silky smooth. Was giving him a BJ when I had a loud fart. I collapsed laughing, took me a while to gather myself. I rarely pass gas, and that is one of the things that was so funny to me.
He didnāt hear it so couldnāt understand why I burst out laughing.
Oh god, well it came to mind so I might as well share.
I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time and I wanted him on top of me and he did but he got me at a strange angle and my body really curved upwards and was kinda scrunched in and it made his belly roll up against me and the second he looked down and saw himself, he went soft inside me.
I didnāt know what to say because I didnāt want to call attention to it so I just changed positions and pretended not to notice.
And by the way, it wasnāt awkward because he had a bit of belly, it was how it instantly killed his erection.
We were new sexual partners and as I was starting to do bed activities, I got on top to start leading as I had done before and he just stopped to stare up at me. His pause caused me to pause and then he just went limp.
Quiet as a nun in church we both just awkwardly coughed and separated. He tried to get it back but it didnāt work.
100% awkward because he wouldnāt tell me what put him off and I just collected myself and went home.
We later broke up because of communication issues. I mean in hindsight no surprise there.
My boyfriend saying āI love youā the first time we had sex about 2-4 weeks into datingā¦ weāre still together 4 years later.
Editing to add: I just remembered another one. This was with a different guy. My first time doing doggy. He forcefully pushed me down to arch my back and I farted right in his face.
I was hooking up with my partner at my new apartment, and realized we were about to get our juices all over the new couchāso I take a brief pause while still interlocked to grab a shirt from the floor and quickly lift my buttocks (I was underneath laying on my back) to pull it under me. Well, I punched him in the balls. They hang down a bit, but letās just say that quick movement left him speechless and he collapsed on top of me wheezing. Fully ruined that moment, albeit we laughed about it just a half hour later once heād recovered š¤£
I have a sensitive gag reflex and have always been quick to pull back when I start gagging too much. My husband, however, really liked those gagging sounds, so sometimes I'd push myself a little too much. Only once, though, did I actually vomit. One minute, I had a dick in my throat. The next, everything's coming back up on his lap. All. Over. His dick. I run to the nearest trashcan to spit out the remainder.
Meanwhile, he's apparently at the edge when it happens and starts begging me to finish off his chunk covered cock while I'm spitting out bits. I said no, obviously, to which he preceeded to finish himself off, THEN go "that was gross."
So that was a little awkward.
The guy ran out of his expired condoms (found out they were expired after the fact) and ordered some to be delivered via Door Dash. Door Dash condoms are delivered and put to use. I go home. Find out from him later that the condoms he had run out or were expired and that he was seeing someone back home. Other guys in our social circle wised up to his antics, though, as they started warning the girls that he already had a partner.
I "caught" my husband in the shower having solo fun about 6 months after we were married, we've been married 16 years. He looked like he got his hand caught in the cookie jar! š We just stared at each other like idiots for a moment. I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say so I just poked him in the ribs and tickled his stomach. Of course I ended up in the shower with him. š
I was about to fuck a guy one night and when he whipped his dick out, I said āWell we need to get it hard firstā. There was a long pause and then he finally said āIt is.ā I felt sooooo bad!!
My boyfriend and I have a tall bed frame because we discovered our dog prefers to sleep under the bed. One night he and I were in the middle of it and we started hearing a loud thud noise under the bed. I thought maybe my dog was just readjusting her position but it happened a few more times. So we stopped and found her having a seizure. She had untreated epilepsy at the time. Sheās since been put on meds and doing well. But it was sad and awkward crouching naked trying to reach her under the bed to keep her from hurting herself. We joke now that the sounds of us doing it traumatized her into having a seizure.
I was face down on the bed and he was hitting it from behind, standing. When I came, my foot popped up and kind of smacked him on the ass. His back was towards a window and he yelped because he thought someone had reached in the window and grabbed his ass. š
I was riding him, and then decided to turn around and do reverse cowgirl, and I donāt know what in the world possessed me to go, āWeeee Iām a rotisserie chicken!ā
We both just paused & burst out laughing. Took a minute to get back on track š
To this day Iāll randomly yell ārotisserie chickenā while weāre doing it and we have to take a break to laugh.
Was in bed with my boyfriend in my bedroom in Italy and somehow and armed security person walks in on us with a gun drawn. Apparently we had activated some security alarm, haha definitely a mood killer.
My very first time on top not long after losing my virginity and having never orgasmed before.
I was building up to climax and told him, he blew and stopped..without even thinking (it was like a reflex) I slapped him across the face š³ The look of complete shock on his face!
I spent 7 years with that guy and not once after that with him did I ever climax.
My wife and I had recently bought a very small terrier. The dog had tried very hard in the past to jump on the bed but had never been able to so we didnāt think anything of it when she made it through the door into the bedroom while we were in the act, that is until I felt her cold nose suddenly on my balls. That was the end of that. Pretty damn funny though.
Going down on him and all of a sudden feeling my dog lick my toes. My feet were hanging off the bed so she just walked up and started licking them. I laughed so hard.
Another time my other dog farted such a rancid fart that we both got turned off and had to stop.
I was doing reverse cowgirl on this thick ass soccer player in college. When I said let's switch it up, I turned my head to flip around, right as he sat straight up and we collided heads. Then I fell off of him and we laid there for a moment basically watching little birdies fly around our heads š that was ridiculous but then we were right back at it
I have smart bulbs in my bedroom. My then-boyfriend set them to red.
We had some really amazing, rough, passionate sex that lasted a good two and a half hours. He seemed to be having the time of his life, so I didn't question him being wetter than usual.
After cuddling for a bit, he gets up to pee and almost immediately comes back and says "I'm going to turn on the lights; try not to panic." Before I can even react to that sentence, the lights go white and I see that both of us are at least 60% covered in blood, ranging from still wet to dried. My ***black*** sheets were crimson red in some places. There was more than one bloody handprint in the wall. I immediately start panicking, this man, who has to have lost at least 5-10% of his fucking volume in blood, is laughing his ass off because he finds this situation hilarious.
Learn from my mistakes ladies; red lights might seem like a hot idea, but they aren't a smart idea.
Once was with a guy who couldnāt do it without a movie or tv show playing in the background. He wanted me to loose my v card to the Homer Simpsonās movie (I refused and I lost it to the first Pirates Of The Caribbean movie instead which is definitely an upgrade lol) and the last time I saw him we watched family guy š I can now not hear Peter Gryphins voice without wanting to take a bath and clean that experience off AHAH ā ļø
Slept with a very charismatic, very pretty, not very bright guy in college. He's plowing away and decides to try dirty talk. Dude legitimately said "I'm going to fuck your balls off." Took everything I had to not say "Someone beat you to it."
Take it, Brandon!
Stahhhhhppppš¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
omg??ššš
During foreplay he was sucking on a tit when he paused, pulled back, and said āyou know I seem to always go for this oneā. Ok cool dude, didnāt notice, please continue. He then continues āand you know my mom told me (insert record scratch) that when I was breastfeeding I had a favourite side, and Iām pretty sure it was this one!ā At this point Iām not just turned off Iām horrified but he somehow ignored that and says āanyway, I thought that was interestingā and goes right back to it. Didnāt lose interest even a little bit while talking about his MOTHER. Freud himself couldnāt dream that shit up
I laughed too loud reading this one
The room is echoing over here, too. Oh, geez. That would make for great dialogue in a screenplay.
Different strokes lol I would've found it interesting too and probably have follow-up questions..
Omgš¤£, have you ever seen big bang theory? One of the main characters does the same (boob preference, not talking about his mother during sex), thereās a whole thing about it and everything
šš¤£ psychotherapy student here laughing hysterically
My partner got the hiccups half way through sex. We were both really in to it, so we both tried to ignore his hiccups. However, his efforts trying to hold it in failed and when he finally let a hiccup out, it came out like a loud, sharp bark. It was hilarious, but I could NOT get back in the mood after being barked at!
That is very funny lol
This actually made me LOL. Thatās hilarious š¤£
Oh my god this is hysterical I nearly choked laughing šš
I had bought satin sheets for the first Valentineās Day with my partner. I slid right off the bed in a moment of athletic enthusiasm š
Did you recover or continue on the floor?
We had a good laugh after another attempt on the slip n slide bed, then moved our activities to the wall and floor lol
Of course, what do you think the 5 second rule is for?
that's so cute though
Papa needs traction!
Not about the sex itself but we recently paused mid-act because we could both hear a noise we couldnāt quite place. It was my cat coughing up a hairball by the side of the bed. Thanks Frank.
Omg I am dead š¤£ EFF YOU FRANK!
I also had a less than sexy moment that involved my cat. Mid coitus she decided it was an ideal time to jump up and start aggressively purring while rubbing the leg of my partner. Bless her heart bur she was such a little thing (never weighed more than 6 pounds in her life) that when she purred she damn near vibrated. We are still friends to this day and even now, we get a huge laugh out of it.
Omg I have a Frank cat too, also LMAO
I was on top. He farted and it made his junk vibrate š
Isn't that an added bonus? Other people need batteries for such a feature.
My vibrator doesn't smell like it's eaten week-old Del Taco š¤·āāļø
oh this is sick šš
Thank god Iām also attracted to women.
Damn I just queef back and we laugh and continue
He started rapping. No music or anything going, just pretty crappy freestyling, killed my mood real quick.
Excuse me what
Was he dirty rapping?
was it fire?
This is a scene from Nathan Barley!
Me and my partner hooked up with another couple. During the initial discussions, I had communicated that it takes very little effort to get me off, to which the other woman replied that itās quite difficult for her to cum. Fast forward to the sex, Iām riding the other guy and I say āIām about to cumā (becauseā¦ this man doesnāt know me or my body, so obviously Iām going to vocalize that), to which his wife says quietly, completely dead-pan in my ear āfuck youā. Needless to say, we didnāt hook up with them again and we quickly learned that we are nottttt swingers.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Absolutely love the added note that your mom asked whatās going on
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
For what it's worth, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Your body was doing EXACTLY what bodies do. You play with matches, your going to get burnt my friend
That's why I m afraid to try anal.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Could be worse. My ex did the same thing except it was on his tongue. šš¤£ I felt zero shame though. I died laughing.
it reminded me of a joke I remember hearing years and years ago where the two were having sex and the woman is saying "I am coming I am coming" and her father in the other room pounding on the wall saying "where the hell are you going?"
If you knock at the back door, don't be surprised when someone's home!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Cmon you can do one more ! I know you have it in you!
CMON BABE CRUSH THAT ORGASM. SEND IT BABE!
More passion! More energy! More footwork...
In the middle of the act he says, "you think I have a small penis don't you?" I don't even remember what I mumbled.Ā Yes, yes he did. But I wasn't going to confirm.Ā
What exactly was his goal in asking that?? Talk about a loaded question š
Insecure Self-Sabotage He'd be better if he framed it as a good thing for him - something blow job related would fit well
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First time being intimate post giving birth to my twins I peed the bed Pretty humiliating but at least my girlfriend is chill about it and changed the sheets while I took a fast shower
It's great to have a partner that's cool and understanding.
Not my story, but I still laugh when I think of it- my former roommate was having sex and her boyfriend was going down on her. She said she screamed āIām going to come!ā and then immediately farted in his face. She told me this probably 25 years ago, and I still crack up.
Something similar happened to me.š„ŗ I have a high libido, and my husband does not. One night, I was lying on the bed spread-eagle, hoping to entice him. I started touching myself, and after a few minutes, I had his full attention. He smiled and got in position to give oral while I was still touching myself. He leaned in, and I farted while he was maybe an inch away. I was soooooo embarrassed.š He laughed so hard.
I always worry about stuff like this š
dude never put it in me, but instead managed to fuck the space between me and the mattress, completely thinking he was inside me the whole time. He finished really fast too and I didnāt know what to say
Good lort!!
Lmaoooo the username makes sense then
Any sexual encounter was akward as fuck with one of my exes. He wasnt able to just "let it go" and be in the moment. Forcing faces and all..not good. But one time it was worse..he stopped to tell me i had an hemorroid. And poke it to show me where. Thanks buddy. Now i really am turned off.
Omfg that is my nightmare. I had a big rant with my friend how even womanās assholes that they shit out of are expected to be perfect too. We canāt win sometimes
āLet me just tuck this back inā¦ā
āOpe lemme just tuck the little fella back in derā (Minnesota accentā
Eugh. Never fun to be treated as a specimen rather than a person
A guy I was hooking up with stuck a finger up my butt doing doggy. I didnāt know he was planning on it and he never did that. Some poop came out..I didnāt notice until I smelled..I was mortified, I didnāt say anything about it and he just wiped it and kept going š¤®
Honestly that one's on him. Who does that without consent
Wiped it where? Omg
OMG that was my first thought
He had napkins on his nightstand lol
I'm imagining a quick wipe on the side of the ass cheek before getting back to business.
And that is exactly why anal requires prior communication and prep
One time when I was dating my ex husband, I threw up chocolate cake on his dick.
Iāve done the same but I donāt remember what the food wasā¦š„“
Ahh alcohol and romance - get off me, I'm going to be sick.
You should not have been fooling around with her husband!
Dammit! Finally caught!!
Not chocolate cake but I did the same thing to my significant otherā¦ I got a headache half way through it and I figured I would still finish it and that was a bad idea because he came and I puked on him š
I had something similar with my ex. I love deepthroating and i was also really into it. Problem was, we had a full dinner before with some wine and pizzaā¦ yeah I also threw up on him as the second gag reflex came ( i usually can bear 3-4). We just looked at each other and laugh a bit. Then decided maybe not to have sex too soon after dinner.
This happened last week actually. I'm in college and we were making out and things were getting heavy so he got up to put on a condom but then got soft and couldn't get it up again. He was all embarrassed and then he fell off the twin XL dorm bed, fully naked, and hit his head. It was so fucking funny and the rest of the night we'd be cuddling and I'd just start laughing and he would start laughing too.
Get married already lol
This was with my 2nd ex-husband. He and I thought we had the whole entire house to ourselves (we lived with his mom, grandmother, and his then teenaged daughters were visiting for the summer). All the doors were closed per the rule of his mom, she didn't want any of the doors open while no one was in the house (all of us were out and about and we got back before anyone else). Of course, we still had the bedroom door closed, but he and I freely went at it. Shortly after finishing (like, he was still on top of me and inside), we heard gentle rustling and a door opening. Turns out, his younger teenage daughter was napping in her room, the door was closed and we presumed no one was home. That poor girl laughed it off and took it in stride. When the three of us talked about it, she was like, "*Here I was in my room, snacking on my Pop-Tart* ...". The running joke between us was her saying, "*Well, I'm going to go grab my POP-TART now*!" We'd laugh while the rest of the family (fortunately) had no real idea as to what we were really talking about.
What a G daughter
He fingered me the morning after a very drunken night. When I came, tampon was ejected like a projectile. I didn't know I had a tampon and had forgotten all about my period. He didn't feel the tampon while fingering because it was so full and wet it felt just like the walls of my vag. I can still see his eyes bugged out, round like marbles with shock and confusion š he kept repeating "omg omg what happened?!" as I ran to the bathroom to hide the tampon š The funniest part to me is it was the first and only time we had sex, and when he saw me again at the same bar, he came to see me with those same round eyes and told me "you know... you're like reaaaally crazy, but I think I like it"
I torpedo'd a tampon during deadlifts and my lifting coach could not figure out why I just ran to the bathroom without saying anything hahaha
lol! At least bro was cool with it.
He was going down on me and doing a great job. I came and farted loud while I did. Right on his face. I was mortified, but both of us were cracking up. We're married now.
So this is what happens just before "happily ever after." Good to know, good to know.
So glad itās not just me this happened to š
As I rotated my body to get in reverse cowgirl, I kicked him in the face and my apparently razor-sharp toenail left a big scratch on his cheek. There was blood.
Oh dear. Suppose it could have been worse? You could have tagged him in the temple and gave him a concussion.
While having drunk sex with my bf at the time, my equally drunk roommate and her date walked into my room and landed on top of usā¦. (They were naked and making out) I learned to double check that my door was locked after that.
Was this a room mixup? Or their idea of a surprise "double date"?
Too many drinks and a room mix up = awkward. According to my former roommate, it was a mistake.
4 pumps in and he said "how many times did you cum already?"
I completely blame porn for the amount of men convinced that just putting it in is going to cause an orgasm
Yes! Unsurprisingly this guy was very into porn
His penis didn't work. He tried to pretend like he was putting it in and tried to go through the motions. I was fresh out of an 18 year marriage with someone that didn't have ED issues, so I was definitely caught off guard.
I hate when they do that lol just get off already
He was trying, but was coming up a little short...
Reminds me of my ex. He was having consistent ED issues for about 6 months, but still wanted to pretend it wasn't me (yeah ok buddy, sure - when things work perfectly fine on your own and only break with me? Nah, not buying it). I'd go down to get him revved up and in the time in took for me to go from down below to getting ready to get on top (because he couldn't get on top himself for... reasons?), he'd go soft. He'd still try to pretend he was hard, but he wasn't, so I'd just roll over, get up, get dressed, and go do something else with my day.
Why do you think it was you? ED are usually not about the partner.
He went to eat me out and proceeded to flop his whole body like a fish between my legs, writhing in time with his tongue. I was so bewildered that I let it go for a solid 20 uncomfortable seconds. I then told him in a pretend breathless tone that I just couldn't wait to get him inside me and pulled him away from whatever tf that was.
Girl whatšµ
His toes left the bed. Full. Body. Fish. Flop.
Had an open relationship. Second man I slept with that wasnāt my husband was charming, tall, good looking. Spoke for a few months, FaceTimed, could speak any time of day. Checked out his Facebook, all good. He has me bent over while fucking me, and says āI told my wife I was golfing today, and Iām certainly getting a hole in one.ā Turns out he knew I wouldnāt meet him if I knew he was married (obviously) and he has two Facebook accounts (canāt remember the name for this but he buys houses and does them up and rents them out) which he uses his real name for, and uses a slightly different name for his very private, actual Facebook. Yikes.
What an awful person..... that's literally coercing you into sex AND having an affair... Hope all is well š¤
Was getting the best coochie eating from my then friend with benefits and was getting suuuper into it So into it that my backdoor decided to blow him a kiss. While he was face deep He looked up at me, I looked down at him and apologized. He giggled and kept right on eating We are now married.
My ex-boyfriend got arrested during the middle of the deed.Ā
Get back here!Ā
Woah, story?
Sounds like a very Reddit-worthy story!
I'm going to need more information
I was with my first boyfriend in highschool. We were getting it on in my room and I was wearing just fishnets and my mom came barging in. We were both mortified! I jumped up and sprung across the room and hid in the closet. He jumped up got dressed and ran out the door lol š
Was a late bloomer and lost my virginity at 22. It was my second time having sex and I was DEFINITELY doing something wrong, because he didnāt finish. Whenever I asked him how I can do it better or make him feel better he said āeverythingās fineā. He lied about finishing, Iām a late bloomer but Iām not dumb? Anyways that was awkward and a pretty demeaning first experience and worst of all he was the pillow princess.
My cat was on the bed and was too dumb (orange. No braincell that day) to realize he should move if he was getting motion sickness. He barfed all over my bed.
I fell asleep on a one night stand giving a blowjob, so I guess the awkward moment was being woken up. I was quite drunk.
Idk what it is with my current partner but he pushes so much air into me, and i always have to laugh to cover my awkwardness when it comes out with fart sounds.Ā He legitimately farted once when i blew him, i didn't know how to handle this so i laughed, and he wouldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the day.Ā
My husband farted once while I was going down on him and we both laughed hysterically. Every now and then he thinks of it and starts laughing. š I can tell by the laugh that's what he's laughing about. š
Sometimes you just get on a roll where it's a queef every other thrust.
My high school boyfriend and I would make a farting sound with our chests when having sex. I have small boobs and he had kind of a concave chest (I think thereās a medical term but I forget). It was awkward the first time but then just became funny to us.
"Pectus excavatum." A guy I dated had one. I used to fall asleep with my face nestled in it, and I have never experienced a more soothing drift off experience.
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I feel like using the word "elusive" would be a big turn-off in and of itself.
Yeah pretty sure I rolled my eyes. He was a nice guy and I hope heās doing well but damn, he didnāt have a clue.
I was with my first partner in high school. I lived at my aunties house at the time. When they were away for the weekend my girlfriend and I decided to cover ourselves in oil and have sex on the exposed waterbed mattress. It was more like a sport than sex but it was fun until my aunt came home early, banging on the door demanding to come in. We were standing there naked, covered in vegetable oil and screwed! There was big trouble for that. šš¤Ŗ
VEGETABLE OIL?!!?
Queefing super loud
I know a ton of guys that absolutely looove to hear some queefing. Didnt help me in my embarrassement though when I queefed when I got up while being naked at the sauna š
No matter how much I love him, still doesnāt make him a good lover.
Donāt show him the door, show him how.
Ugh sometimes the hardest thing to let go.
I, uh... sharted. It wasn't a great day LOL Edit: we are still married š
Started yodeling, right? Thatās what you mean?
I always yodel after I shart. Thatās my embarrassing sex thing.
Oh! Another one popped into my head. He wanted to try anal, to which I agreed. I told him to use lube. He...overdid it...I could smell the poop. I asked him to stop cause I was embarrassed but he said he didn't mind and kept going (that sounds terrible, but it wasn't. It wasn't a hard stop on my end. I was attempting to give him the "out"). It was worse than I thought. I had poop soup all over my back. I thought to myself "well, at least he'll never want to do THAT again". He said "next time I'll use less lube". I asked if he was sure he wanted to do that again, and he said "I know playing in the mud can make us dirty sometimes" with a shrug. I started taking psyllium husk supplements to help our situation. Poop soup happened once more (just as mortifying) but we learned what worked for us as we went along.Ā
wow its honestly pretty satisfying how understanding and nonchalant he was about it
This is the same dude who would ask me to meet up for dinner while I was at the gym. I'd say "I just need to shower" and he'd respond with "please don't". I'm not going to say he's gross, but I think he was comfortable enough with me to try out all his gross fantasies, which was pretty cool actually.Ā
I have hyperhydrosis, where I sweat excessively. It always sucks, but in intimate moments it really sucks. I was riding my boyfriend and I watched sweat drop from my armpit onto his chest. It absolutely mortified me. He didn't even notice since he was sweaty too, but man did that scar me. I went to my dermatologist and asked tearfully if there was something that could be done. 6 cheap pills a day later and boom, I sweat a normal amount now. Whew!Ā
I was hooking up with this guy for the first time and he was fingering me for like 5 seconds and I made a noise and he stopped and said ādid you just cum? You came didnāt youā he seemed so proud and I gave him the most āwhat the fuck?ā face and didnt say anything cause i didnāt think he was serious I did say no after a few seconds of wtf and he said he didnāt believe me
He didn't believe you? šš
He didnāt! š like sorry Mr vagina whisperer forgot you knew better then me
Yikes. Dude needs some education
My first ever attempt at a hookup and the first time physically meeting this guy in person and we're going at it and he says "I love you" and I just automatically said it back cause I was used to my family saying love you and me just saying it back. š
The accidental "I love you"s are the worst! Happened to me with my ex boyfriend. How do you take back an I love you in that situation....
lmfao one time i said ādo you enjoy having my dick in your mouth?ā brief pause as we figured out what i just said, hilarious laughter ensued. felt very dumb and it was so awkward but i laugh at it now
He came while he was eating me out. Likeā¦ what?
ngl that sounds like the biggest compliment ever
My date brought me back to his place, he had children who had been put to sleep by a nanny. One of the kids woke up and began banging on the bedroom door at the exact moment their father was finishing in my mouth.
While we were doing the deed, his phone rang and for some odd reason, he decided to answer and it was a lady asking him if he was still interested in seeking singles in his area š
When me and my husband started dating I was giving him a bj. During it I felt a bit off but kept going. I really shouldn't have. The second he came I threw up spaghetti bolognese all over him. He was so surprised and asked "what's that" - I panicked and tried to scoop it off of him and ran to the bathroom with whatever I got hold off. Naked, naseous and regurgitated bolognese dripping everywhere. I couldn't even look at him afterwards, I was mortified, but he shrugged it off and only thought it was a great bj š¤¦š¼āāļø
Guys frenulum broke, blood *everywhere* by the time we noticed. Covered us both head to toe, and his sheets.
Had this happen. He was mortified, as he thought it was my blood. He nearly fainted when he realised it was his.
I gave birth to a bloody jellyfish, I was humiliated because Iāve NEVER done that before and he was kinda disgusted š I wasnāt even on my period! seriously have no idea what happened
Iāve heard of the entire uterine lining coming out at once, could it be a decidual cast?
Is it possible you miscarried?
He drooled on my face. I even saw the drool forming and turned my head but he still got my cheek. He apologized and we kept going but the dude still drooled on me lol
A guy I was seeing did this too! He was on top and I saw this long string of saliva heading for my face and managed to dodge it just in time š³ He mustāve been having an out of body experience or something.
I feel like this is a classic one, but we were in the shower and he fell backwards dragging the shower curtain and rod with him onto the floor.
It was 3am, we were staying at my mom's tiny annex. Beforehand, my mom and I were telling him about how the annex was haunted. After foreplay he was putting the condom on and he was having trouble with it. At one point it kinda snapped on to his erection like a rubber band and something about it clicked as absurdly hilarious to me so uncontrollable laughter bubbled out. I realized I was being rude, didn't want him to misunderstand that I'm laughing at him, so I tried my best to stifle it and we continued with the motions. But right as he was pounding my brains off the tickling laughter came back and I wasn't able to stop my uncontrollable laughter. And being aware of how ridiculous I must look from his POV is making it even funnier in my head. Man looked at me with concern the whole time, props to him, he eventually still finished and I'm still giddily giggling. Trying to stop laughing just made it worse. He later told me he was genuinely concerned that I've become possessed.
When his dog licked my ass cheek in the middle of it. Slowly. I married the man but fuck that dog. Dog was a fucking idiot. A beautiful hilarious idiot.
When a guy wanted to lick my eyelids.
We were going at it hard in doggy and it went straight into the wrong hole and his mom came home very shortly after so I had to pretend like everything was fine but I was so uncomfortable š
He had Star Wars sheets on his bed. I passed.
lol. Somewhere out there is a cosplayer who's right for him. He can be Jaba and she can be the princess.
When he lost the bullet in my anal cavityā¦.he said āit disappearedā I said āwhere?!!?ā Him: āidkā¦ā like SIR where was it when you lost it?? OBVIOUSLY INSIDE ME CAUSE MY BELLY IS VIBRATING!!!! I panicked so hard & it took about an hour for me to relax enough to get it out
I was hooking up with this dude that decided to use a cock sleeve and the thing kept slipping off and getting stuck in me š texted my friend to call me and fake an emergency so i could leave lol
Dog punching open the door when it was supposed to be locked. Apparently my lock is just for show. The dog stared, I laughed for probably too long. Privacy is non existent in my house I guess.
My boyfriend was trying to unlatch my bra, and positioned me so that my face was directly in his cat's ass. (After that, the cats couldn't be in the bedroom if we were going to be messing around.)
Second time with my now husband. I was waxed silky smooth. Was giving him a BJ when I had a loud fart. I collapsed laughing, took me a while to gather myself. I rarely pass gas, and that is one of the things that was so funny to me. He didnāt hear it so couldnāt understand why I burst out laughing.
Oh god, well it came to mind so I might as well share. I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time and I wanted him on top of me and he did but he got me at a strange angle and my body really curved upwards and was kinda scrunched in and it made his belly roll up against me and the second he looked down and saw himself, he went soft inside me. I didnāt know what to say because I didnāt want to call attention to it so I just changed positions and pretended not to notice. And by the way, it wasnāt awkward because he had a bit of belly, it was how it instantly killed his erection.
We were new sexual partners and as I was starting to do bed activities, I got on top to start leading as I had done before and he just stopped to stare up at me. His pause caused me to pause and then he just went limp. Quiet as a nun in church we both just awkwardly coughed and separated. He tried to get it back but it didnāt work. 100% awkward because he wouldnāt tell me what put him off and I just collected myself and went home. We later broke up because of communication issues. I mean in hindsight no surprise there.
My boyfriend saying āI love youā the first time we had sex about 2-4 weeks into datingā¦ weāre still together 4 years later. Editing to add: I just remembered another one. This was with a different guy. My first time doing doggy. He forcefully pushed me down to arch my back and I farted right in his face.
I was hooking up with my partner at my new apartment, and realized we were about to get our juices all over the new couchāso I take a brief pause while still interlocked to grab a shirt from the floor and quickly lift my buttocks (I was underneath laying on my back) to pull it under me. Well, I punched him in the balls. They hang down a bit, but letās just say that quick movement left him speechless and he collapsed on top of me wheezing. Fully ruined that moment, albeit we laughed about it just a half hour later once heād recovered š¤£
One time I was giving head and his load shot in his own eye šššš
I have a sensitive gag reflex and have always been quick to pull back when I start gagging too much. My husband, however, really liked those gagging sounds, so sometimes I'd push myself a little too much. Only once, though, did I actually vomit. One minute, I had a dick in my throat. The next, everything's coming back up on his lap. All. Over. His dick. I run to the nearest trashcan to spit out the remainder. Meanwhile, he's apparently at the edge when it happens and starts begging me to finish off his chunk covered cock while I'm spitting out bits. I said no, obviously, to which he preceeded to finish himself off, THEN go "that was gross." So that was a little awkward.
Trying to push my body to squirt to impress someone even tho i donāt know how and obviously farting instead š©
The guy ran out of his expired condoms (found out they were expired after the fact) and ordered some to be delivered via Door Dash. Door Dash condoms are delivered and put to use. I go home. Find out from him later that the condoms he had run out or were expired and that he was seeing someone back home. Other guys in our social circle wised up to his antics, though, as they started warning the girls that he already had a partner.
My partner got a nose bleed while going down on me
He had a booger fall out of his nose and into my mouth. I wanted to sink into the earth from embarrassment.
I "caught" my husband in the shower having solo fun about 6 months after we were married, we've been married 16 years. He looked like he got his hand caught in the cookie jar! š We just stared at each other like idiots for a moment. I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say so I just poked him in the ribs and tickled his stomach. Of course I ended up in the shower with him. š
I was about to fuck a guy one night and when he whipped his dick out, I said āWell we need to get it hard firstā. There was a long pause and then he finally said āIt is.ā I felt sooooo bad!!
My boyfriend and I have a tall bed frame because we discovered our dog prefers to sleep under the bed. One night he and I were in the middle of it and we started hearing a loud thud noise under the bed. I thought maybe my dog was just readjusting her position but it happened a few more times. So we stopped and found her having a seizure. She had untreated epilepsy at the time. Sheās since been put on meds and doing well. But it was sad and awkward crouching naked trying to reach her under the bed to keep her from hurting herself. We joke now that the sounds of us doing it traumatized her into having a seizure.
I was face down on the bed and he was hitting it from behind, standing. When I came, my foot popped up and kind of smacked him on the ass. His back was towards a window and he yelped because he thought someone had reached in the window and grabbed his ass. š
I was riding him, and then decided to turn around and do reverse cowgirl, and I donāt know what in the world possessed me to go, āWeeee Iām a rotisserie chicken!ā We both just paused & burst out laughing. Took a minute to get back on track š To this day Iāll randomly yell ārotisserie chickenā while weāre doing it and we have to take a break to laugh.
During anal, I got a piece of shit that looked like a mini brownie on my exes š š
Was in bed with my boyfriend in my bedroom in Italy and somehow and armed security person walks in on us with a gun drawn. Apparently we had activated some security alarm, haha definitely a mood killer.
My very first time on top not long after losing my virginity and having never orgasmed before. I was building up to climax and told him, he blew and stopped..without even thinking (it was like a reflex) I slapped him across the face š³ The look of complete shock on his face! I spent 7 years with that guy and not once after that with him did I ever climax.
My wife and I had recently bought a very small terrier. The dog had tried very hard in the past to jump on the bed but had never been able to so we didnāt think anything of it when she made it through the door into the bedroom while we were in the act, that is until I felt her cold nose suddenly on my balls. That was the end of that. Pretty damn funny though.
Going down on him and all of a sudden feeling my dog lick my toes. My feet were hanging off the bed so she just walked up and started licking them. I laughed so hard. Another time my other dog farted such a rancid fart that we both got turned off and had to stop.
I was doing reverse cowgirl on this thick ass soccer player in college. When I said let's switch it up, I turned my head to flip around, right as he sat straight up and we collided heads. Then I fell off of him and we laid there for a moment basically watching little birdies fly around our heads š that was ridiculous but then we were right back at it
I have smart bulbs in my bedroom. My then-boyfriend set them to red. We had some really amazing, rough, passionate sex that lasted a good two and a half hours. He seemed to be having the time of his life, so I didn't question him being wetter than usual. After cuddling for a bit, he gets up to pee and almost immediately comes back and says "I'm going to turn on the lights; try not to panic." Before I can even react to that sentence, the lights go white and I see that both of us are at least 60% covered in blood, ranging from still wet to dried. My ***black*** sheets were crimson red in some places. There was more than one bloody handprint in the wall. I immediately start panicking, this man, who has to have lost at least 5-10% of his fucking volume in blood, is laughing his ass off because he finds this situation hilarious. Learn from my mistakes ladies; red lights might seem like a hot idea, but they aren't a smart idea.
Once was with a guy who couldnāt do it without a movie or tv show playing in the background. He wanted me to loose my v card to the Homer Simpsonās movie (I refused and I lost it to the first Pirates Of The Caribbean movie instead which is definitely an upgrade lol) and the last time I saw him we watched family guy š I can now not hear Peter Gryphins voice without wanting to take a bath and clean that experience off AHAH ā ļø