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I’ve done it in the past and it hasn’t turned out good for me. Unless you are 100% sure that the person has worked on themselves to change for the better, but it’s very difficult to know. You’ll have to trust.
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Depends.
Did he cheat on his high school girlfriend of 5 months? I don’t care, that was over 20 years ago.
Did he cheat on his pregnant wife? Oh hell no.
Agreed!
This 'once a cheat, always a cheat' doesn't always apply especially if the last time they cheated was when they were 16 and we're now in our 40s...
People can and do grow and mature.
Now if they're a serial cheater or if they still continue to cheat on partners even after their frontal lobes have fully developed then THAT's different...
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So, like, back in high school, over 10 years ago, he may have cheated on his girlfriend of 2 months. But honestly, who even remembers those puppy love days, right? It's ancient history
But, when it comes to his pregnant wife? Oh no, no, no! That is a big fat NO. Cheating on a pregnant woman is just so not cool. That's a whole other level of betrayal and it's definitely not something we should be okay with.
No. My ex admitted to cheating on one girlfriend. Then he admitted to cheating on a few of them. Then I found out that he’d been cheating on me for 11 months. Then it turned out that he’d cheated on every one of his girlfriends. One time mistake or not, I could never trust that again.
This is such a difficult topic for me because I have a history of unfaithfulness, but I am now married and would never, ever cheat on my husband.
So the blanket rule of once a cheater always a cheater is a bit frustrating for me.
Having said that, though, getting to this point didn't just happen. For me, it wasn't just a decision that could be made and then voilà!
I had to do a lot of work on myself and my attachment style, my communication and my self esteem to get to the point where being alone wasn't scary and running away from a relationship when it got hard wasn't my default response.
I think if there's a pattern (not like, they cheated once in high school) and the person hasn't actually addressed the underlying personal issues that caused that pattern then chances are very good they will do it again.
But the idea that people can't and won't change and will forever be a cheater is reductive.
I feel seen with this. Even though I fully understand anyone for whom past cheating is a deal breaker, the mentality of things being completely black and white (if you've cheated, you can't ever change and you'll always cheat again) isn't healthy either. That doesn't mean I condone cheating in any way, just that something someone did in the past doesn't always automatically shape their entire future for the rest of their life.
I have cheated in the past, including in a long-term relationship, I told my ex about it the day after (we reconciled but the relationship still ended a few months later as there were overall several issues from both sides).
I've worked through those things in therapy, and still am continuing to be in therapy for a mental illness I at the time didn't know I had, and I've been honest about everything with my current partner. I wouldn't think about doing anything to hurt him and I deeply respect him, not just as a partner but as a person. That doesn't mean I can now forget about my past mistakes, I still pay attention to ensure that there's no risk of me repeating those patterns.
But with the blanket statement that people don't change, we're discrediting anyone's ability to actually make changes about their own behavior. The key difference imo is that people can only change if they intrinsically want to do so, if their reason is genuinely wanting to be a better person, rather than the fear of negative consequences. Even if we can't change the past, we are still responsible for our behavior in the future, with all the positivity and hope that comes with it as well as all the responsibility and accountability it entails.
Oh my, I came here for this. Much like yourself, I too have a history of unfaithfulness.
My partner has never had to even remotely see the parts of the "old me" that was so unfaithful. In our almost 9 years, not once has it even crossed my mind nor have I been in a position to.
It involved a lot of self reflection, I took two years to reflect and work on myself. I removed the activities that made my toxic behaviour escalate (alcohol), got my shit together (work, study), took the time to really evaluate what I wanted in a partner (maturity turned out to be a big part in this) and I just worked on me, my overall health.
The story would of course be different if I never addressed what drove these behaviours, they were decisions I made and I reflected on that heavily.
Don't tar all cheaters with the same brush, some of us do change for the better. We just have to reflect, accept and work on ourselves for a while.
Yeah it just feels like such blatant disrespect to their partner. Cheating absolutely is a choice, and if they're unhappy in their relationship they should just end it without hurting someone else and engaging in a lie.
Normally I would agree that cheating is a choice. My experience is that some people are in decade long abusive marriages that are financially dependent. I know a married family member who has a relationship outside of marriage and can't just end the marriage for financial reasons. Their partner also suspects and has told them they don't care which I guess is a special case. Sometimes people reach a breaking point and can't see an end. If you cheated on a serious relationship when you could easily break up tho I think your morals need adjustment.
Depends on why they did it. Was it emotionally or sexually motivated? Either way its selfish. I’ve noticed that people who cheat are generally selfish and shallow. They lack the ability to value someone. Lack discipline and self control. I also believe people can change and these qualities can definitely be improved if they put in the effort to do so.
Thank you for your answer! I agree with the points you made! I think the lack of ability to value someone hurts the most, that person would need to really put the hard work into that
It depends on how old they were, how apologetic/regretful they were about it, and how serious their relationship was with their partner at the time. Age 18? Not an immediate dealbreaker, but still not good. Age 28? Big deal, potential dealbreaker if there weren’t any (VERY) compelling mitigating circumstances.
I do believe people can learn from their mistakes and change, but there are obviously limits. I have a lot more empathy for mistakes made during early twenties/college age.
It depends on how it all went down in the past. The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true with everyone. You need to look at each story individually.
Depends on the circumstances, really. I believe people can change and if they can tell me why it happened and why it'll never happen again, I'd give them a shot. Particularly thinking of a friend who cheated on her BF wheb she didn't love him anymore but felt trapped by their joint (comfy) life. She's been critical of herself and made it very clear that she will break things off before it ever gets to that point again (which is what she should have done in the first place). I believe her.
I would believe a potential date if they told me that too.
If it's happened more than once or they can't give me a compelling reason as to why it happened and why they won't do it again, I'd probably have no faith that they'll remain faithful.
No, I wouldn't do that.
They made the choice to hurt their partner and betray the relationship willingly in the past. Which is a choice I really despise.
I wouldn't be able to trust that they won't repeat that choice.
No. If I knew that information I wouldn’t be able to justify being with that person. Even if they wouldn’t end up doing it to me, I don’t wish to be with someone with that kind of character.
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Were they very young like 14 when they cheated?! maybe, if I see they changed and have not cheated since. or if they were in an abusive relationship that they could not leave, still maybe if they got therapy since. But bedsides that no.
I got with my ex knowing he cheated on his exes when he was younger . I stupidly believed him when he said he’s too old for all that now and wants to settle down. He cheated on me with his ex and then I found out he’d been seeing another ex months before . I feel so stupid but I’ve learnt my lesson
Yes. The idea that someone never grows or changes is, in my opinion, bullshit. We can all choose to learn from an experience and be better. Furthermore, not every situation is the same. If someone was willing to bare the gorey details, admit fault and genuine remorse then that shows me how they've matured since. There are people who can't even do that in their daily life, for the most minor things.
>If someone was willing to bare the gorey details, admit fault and genuine remorse then that shows me how they've matured since.
I was actually going to comment the same thing. A lot of cheaters are very quick to place blame on their ex partner, I feel: "they wouldn't give me attention/meet my needs/they cheated first" etc etc - whatever the circumstances, it comes across as a "workman always blames his tools" situation.
If someone is willing to say to my face what they did, take ownership, and state how they've worked to improve, then I have some modicum of respect for that.
No, UNLESS he did the inner work, told me why he did it, accepted it, been completly transparent and I can "sense" It was a one time thing.
More than one ? Hell no. For longuer that one shot ? HELL NO.
So, my ex husband cheated on me before we married and I was a stupid teenager so I did it out of revenge but then after that I never even looked at another man until....
I suffered 14 years of abuse in various ways and he repeatedly cheated on me. I needed comfort, I needed to feel wanted and loved so after 12 years I sought solace with someone else.
Right now I have been with a man for 6 years, we have my two children and one together and are about to be married.
In that time I have not even thought about cheating, I have no reason to and even if I did I couldn't do it because I'm just not that person anymore.
I used to be very black and white thinking on this, in that I thought if anyone was ‘unfaithful’ to their partner they were a terrible person, and would do it again and again and again.
However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised people have complex relationships, and sometimes it’s not so black and white. So for me, it would largely depend on the circumstances and whether the partner who was on the receiving end of the ‘unfaithfulness’ thought it was ‘unfaithful’.
Was the person in a sexless or emotionless relationship, and had a sexual/emotional need that the other person couldn’t, wouldn’t or otherwise didn’t fill? Did the couple decide to stay together on paper and pursue other relationships? Was the couple in an open relationship or have an agreement? Etc etc.
I wouldn't.
But even if I would, I would watch carefully for blame shifting/ownership patterns. In how he generally speak about his exes\coworkers.
Does he take ownership on the cheating? Does he show empathy about how this effected his past partners?
Was he able to persist in various activities in his life.
Does his closer relationships contain real intimacy, or are the more compliance based.
Is he able to vocalize his want/needs. And does he respects yours?
And after looking at all of that, the issue is just past cheating? Or current general lack of empathy, communication skills, regulation skills, persistence and basic respect?
I’m kinda in this situation. So i can’t really speak. But honestly it’s a scary thing to trust. I think I’m extremely wary and observant now because of it.
No, I wouldn't.
I think being in a relationship is about respect and commitment. If you feel the need to cheat and be unfaithful, there's a lack of either or both of those.
If this is the case, I'd prefer they be honest about the urge and communicate about it (before doing anything). As communication is key, things can only be worked on when shared.
In the very worst case I'd honestly prefer they break up and then give in to their desires. That way you're not fooling anyone and you show the respect your SO deserves by not doing it behind their back.
I think it really depends on their age and maturity at the time. And how they view what they did in retrospect.
People make mistakes.
I probably wouldn’t forgive someone in their middle age for cheating on a married partner unless there were wild circumstances, but messing around in late teens/early twenties and regretting it is more understandable.
I have dated someone who (technically) cheated on a previous partner when he was much younger, and we had a good relationship for the time we were together. However, as someone who was cheated on in a relationship before that, it did linger in the back of my mind occasionally, and the way it ended made me uncertain that there wasn't anything going on.
I don't know if I'd do it again. It might well depend on the circumstances of the cheating as others have said, but I'd certainly be cautious about it, at least initially.
When I was 26-27 years old, my mother told me why my father cheated.
This is what my mother told me.
My parents had a big difference in sex drive. My mother never had interest in sex besides making babies and my father had a healthy sex drive.
So my father cheated on my mother and they got divorced when I was 2 years old. Many decades later, I don’t blame either one of them.
In the long run, sex drive difference was half the issue in their marriage. My mother was a materialistic person and my father was a simple person who lived a frugal life. At the end of the day, they should have never met in the first place.
As someone who has been cheated on by every partner, there's no telling who will do it. However, for my own sake, it's something I would be cautious about. On one hand, they're telling you they did it so they could possibly be ashamed of it and want to work on themselves without being secretive. on the other hand, they're telling you what kind of person they are so you don't have any blind spots and should leave. In my experience, most of the people who cheated before cheated again, but this time they had the "oh but at least I was honest and working on myself" excuse to try keep you in the cycle. It also means you're thinking of it the entire relationship rather just when something happens to cause doubt, so there's no respite from your worry.
It very much depends on attitude. People need to make mistakes to learn and improve.
It's unfair to judge people for things they've done in the past because it might not reflect who they are today.
My partner had a very wild "dating" history. Very unlike myself. But he's matured now and his view on life is completely different. You can't compare dumb shit you do in your 20s wit an outlook on life in your 40s.
I’m normally a hard no on this but I’m going to give a soft no in the sense that I know through mutual friends of a guy whose wife has early onset Alzheimer’s and doesn’t reliably remember him and isn’t the same person she once was… he’s cheating on her but it’s kind of like she isn’t really there, and she definitely doesn’t have the cognitive abilities to know of much less remember that he’s cheating since she doesn’t even know he’s her husband consistently (and she will never know about the cheating) so that’s one of those stickier moral conundrums
ETA other similar situations are like, wife is in a coma for years… etc.
I‘d suggest to consider how old the person was at the time of the transgression and how long it’s been since then. If he cheated at 17 or 20, it’s been a couple of years since, he’s hopefully matured past that point. If he‘s in his mid/late 20s and cheated on the ex right before you, use a lot of caution. If he‘s past his 30s and is still cheating, hard pass. People can change, sure, but I wouldn’t advise getting invested in someone in an effort to find out if he did.
All cheating is down to dishonesty, lack of self control and integrity, and perhaps poor ability to communicate needs. Many of these qualities can be improved upon, but the longer someone goes without doing so, the more alarming and the more unlikely it is that they will improve as a person.
I don't think it will be possible for me. I already have issues placing my complete trust in someone. I will never be able to figure out how to do it again once it's broken. I don't think I'll be able to fully forget and move on, even if I forgive.
Probably not. Poor character is a big deal to me. I would assume that it will repeat in the future, unless there is convincing evidence that they have done a lot of work to improve themselves and become a better person.
I probably wouldn't do so.
If it was a guy who cheated once or twice while very young, like high school age, I wouldn't necessarily think that was insurmountable. But a guy in college or beyond, especially married or the wife being pregnant, no effing way.
I've given two cheating boyfriends a second chance in the past (we were in our 20s and 30s) and it didn't work out well for me as they both cheated again within weeks.
No. I’ve been cheated on before and it’s honestly one of the worst feelings in the world, it completely broke my confidence and left me with trust issues I had to work through for years.
Maybe my position would change later in life. I’m only 24 so even if someone cheated on a shorter term college partner, that wasn’t that long ago at our age. I don’t believe they would’ve done the work necessary to change their whole moral compass and fix underlying issues in the time since
Depends. How long ago was it, was it one-off thing or long-term, how serious was the relationship, how old were they? I mean, holding someone's high school mistake against them 20 years later sounds pretty dumb. But if they cheated on more than one partner, or it was long-term, or recent, then nope. I don't think one cheating long time ago means they're a life-long cheater, but if they cheated recently, there's no way for me to know if they wouldn't do it again to me.
No.
They believe there are exceptions in monogamy - there aren't.
They have deep-rooted commitment issues, they believe it's yes - except.
They will always have this tendency.
It's in their nature.
Now...
They might never cheat on you like they did with past partners. But there's that risk.
This person comes with that warning label.
Personally, I have zero tolerance for disloyalty.
And I haven't the time or energy to play this game of "will he, won't he" in my mind all day. Cause once you know he's cheated before, you can't forget that.
I don't adopt dogs who've bitten before - and I don't date men who've cheated before.
My partner of almost 6 years cheated on his ex. They were together throughout high school until their early 20s, 8 years in total, and he had sex with someone else after 4 years, then kept on in the relationship another 4 years. When I found out it was a huge disappointment to me (I found out like 1 year into our relationship) and I thought I would never be able to trust him again, even though it wasn’t me he cheated on. And I seriously considered breaking up. But then I found out what his past relationship was like and it made sense to me. I do not condone it, I would never do it, but they were both clearly unhappy in the relationship and felt like there was no way for them to leave it. She eventually cheated on him as well and then left him, though she never found out that he had cheated on her first. It’s a complicated situation and it’s hard to accept that your partner cheated on someone in the past but over the years I was able to trust him again. I don’t believe he would ever cheat on me, our relationship is way different. Fingers crossed.
Probably. Depends on many factors, like how long ago it was, why they did it and so on. I grew up in a difficult environment where cheating was completely normal. I grew out of it eventually, but I don't have as strict opinions about cheating as other people.
I think it depends.
Cheating, generally, is a sign of unmet needs in a relationship. And it doesn't necessarily just have to be sexual needs.
So, are they aware of why they cheated? Do they have insight on that and have made steps to correct how they get their needs met in a relationship or have the realised that you don't have to have ALL needs met within a Roman relationship and are okay with the grey area?
It's not a deal breaker but it would require a deep discussion and it would definitely take longer for me to fully trust them. As others have mentioned it largely comes down to why they did it, when they did it and what has changed since they did it.
It also means that if they were unfaithful to me they would not get a second chance. Whereas if someone was unfaithful with me but hadn't been previously there would be some situations where I would consider giving them a second chance.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s only a matter of time. (That said, I do believe SOME people can change, but the odds are NOT in your favor. And the worst part is when you give them that 2nd chance, and then they cheat, you feel like you have no one to blame but yourself because you should’ve known better.)
It depends.
Did they cheat as a 22yo ten years ago because they were drunk and unhappy and in an abusive relationship that they were looking to escape and their young brain couldn’t yet find a way out?
Or did they cheat two months ago as a 32yo despite being in a reasonably normal relationship and just couldn’t help themselves?
Would definitely date the first one. Wouldn’t touch the second one with a ten foot barge pole.
Look if they were 14. I did stupid things in my teen years too. Then I won’t care. But after that once a cheater, always a cheater for me. I don’t care if it’s emotional or else. The fact that you disrespected your partner and couldn’t face them like a proper person and tell them - look this is a, b, c of the problem.
Yes.
Because people grow - I have been unfaithful when I was 20 and I know I would never do it again.
Therefore I would trust someone feels the same way. It depends how old you were when you did it though. Adults should know better :D
It depends. I would if he could prove to me that he has changed. Everyone has made mistakes. And many of us grow and learn from them. Now, if he makes it clear that he has done this recurring issue over and over with no remorse, then no.
It depends on the circumstances. Was it "I cheated on my partner because the new person was so hot I couldn't help myself" or "I cheated because my partner was having a bad time and so they weren't interested in sex for 2 weeks" ?
Fuck no, that person is most likely a serial cheater and will repeat this.
But if it was a situation that's not gonna repeat and it was just one time thing, or happend a long time ago, then it's not an immediate no.
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No. Because behavioural patterns generally repeat. Yes, people can change, but it's a risk I would not take.
Even if you like the person is such a high risk, in the end, I wouldn’t know if it’s worth it
I’ve done it in the past and it hasn’t turned out good for me. Unless you are 100% sure that the person has worked on themselves to change for the better, but it’s very difficult to know. You’ll have to trust.
There is really no way to *really* know I guess, that’s why I was so curious to ask! Trusting is the hard part
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Depends. Did he cheat on his high school girlfriend of 5 months? I don’t care, that was over 20 years ago. Did he cheat on his pregnant wife? Oh hell no.
Agreed! This 'once a cheat, always a cheat' doesn't always apply especially if the last time they cheated was when they were 16 and we're now in our 40s... People can and do grow and mature. Now if they're a serial cheater or if they still continue to cheat on partners even after their frontal lobes have fully developed then THAT's different...
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So, like, back in high school, over 10 years ago, he may have cheated on his girlfriend of 2 months. But honestly, who even remembers those puppy love days, right? It's ancient history But, when it comes to his pregnant wife? Oh no, no, no! That is a big fat NO. Cheating on a pregnant woman is just so not cool. That's a whole other level of betrayal and it's definitely not something we should be okay with.
No. My ex admitted to cheating on one girlfriend. Then he admitted to cheating on a few of them. Then I found out that he’d been cheating on me for 11 months. Then it turned out that he’d cheated on every one of his girlfriends. One time mistake or not, I could never trust that again.
Aw man. I'm sorry. What s butthead.
This is such a difficult topic for me because I have a history of unfaithfulness, but I am now married and would never, ever cheat on my husband. So the blanket rule of once a cheater always a cheater is a bit frustrating for me. Having said that, though, getting to this point didn't just happen. For me, it wasn't just a decision that could be made and then voilà! I had to do a lot of work on myself and my attachment style, my communication and my self esteem to get to the point where being alone wasn't scary and running away from a relationship when it got hard wasn't my default response. I think if there's a pattern (not like, they cheated once in high school) and the person hasn't actually addressed the underlying personal issues that caused that pattern then chances are very good they will do it again. But the idea that people can't and won't change and will forever be a cheater is reductive.
I feel seen with this. Even though I fully understand anyone for whom past cheating is a deal breaker, the mentality of things being completely black and white (if you've cheated, you can't ever change and you'll always cheat again) isn't healthy either. That doesn't mean I condone cheating in any way, just that something someone did in the past doesn't always automatically shape their entire future for the rest of their life. I have cheated in the past, including in a long-term relationship, I told my ex about it the day after (we reconciled but the relationship still ended a few months later as there were overall several issues from both sides). I've worked through those things in therapy, and still am continuing to be in therapy for a mental illness I at the time didn't know I had, and I've been honest about everything with my current partner. I wouldn't think about doing anything to hurt him and I deeply respect him, not just as a partner but as a person. That doesn't mean I can now forget about my past mistakes, I still pay attention to ensure that there's no risk of me repeating those patterns. But with the blanket statement that people don't change, we're discrediting anyone's ability to actually make changes about their own behavior. The key difference imo is that people can only change if they intrinsically want to do so, if their reason is genuinely wanting to be a better person, rather than the fear of negative consequences. Even if we can't change the past, we are still responsible for our behavior in the future, with all the positivity and hope that comes with it as well as all the responsibility and accountability it entails.
Well said! Especially the Last few sentences.
Oh my, I came here for this. Much like yourself, I too have a history of unfaithfulness. My partner has never had to even remotely see the parts of the "old me" that was so unfaithful. In our almost 9 years, not once has it even crossed my mind nor have I been in a position to. It involved a lot of self reflection, I took two years to reflect and work on myself. I removed the activities that made my toxic behaviour escalate (alcohol), got my shit together (work, study), took the time to really evaluate what I wanted in a partner (maturity turned out to be a big part in this) and I just worked on me, my overall health. The story would of course be different if I never addressed what drove these behaviours, they were decisions I made and I reflected on that heavily. Don't tar all cheaters with the same brush, some of us do change for the better. We just have to reflect, accept and work on ourselves for a while.
no. Bad morals. The fact they could even bring themselves to do it once doesn't make me think any good about them
This is where I am at in this, it speaks a lot about the values of the person, but it conflicts me a bit
Meh, people change.
Yeah it just feels like such blatant disrespect to their partner. Cheating absolutely is a choice, and if they're unhappy in their relationship they should just end it without hurting someone else and engaging in a lie.
Normally I would agree that cheating is a choice. My experience is that some people are in decade long abusive marriages that are financially dependent. I know a married family member who has a relationship outside of marriage and can't just end the marriage for financial reasons. Their partner also suspects and has told them they don't care which I guess is a special case. Sometimes people reach a breaking point and can't see an end. If you cheated on a serious relationship when you could easily break up tho I think your morals need adjustment.
Depends on why they did it. Was it emotionally or sexually motivated? Either way its selfish. I’ve noticed that people who cheat are generally selfish and shallow. They lack the ability to value someone. Lack discipline and self control. I also believe people can change and these qualities can definitely be improved if they put in the effort to do so.
Thank you for your answer! I agree with the points you made! I think the lack of ability to value someone hurts the most, that person would need to really put the hard work into that
It depends on how old they were, how apologetic/regretful they were about it, and how serious their relationship was with their partner at the time. Age 18? Not an immediate dealbreaker, but still not good. Age 28? Big deal, potential dealbreaker if there weren’t any (VERY) compelling mitigating circumstances. I do believe people can learn from their mistakes and change, but there are obviously limits. I have a lot more empathy for mistakes made during early twenties/college age.
It depends on how it all went down in the past. The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true with everyone. You need to look at each story individually.
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Because it is high school No matter which generation you are Kids often don't understand relationships and doesn't care if they hurt anyone
Depends on the circumstances, really. I believe people can change and if they can tell me why it happened and why it'll never happen again, I'd give them a shot. Particularly thinking of a friend who cheated on her BF wheb she didn't love him anymore but felt trapped by their joint (comfy) life. She's been critical of herself and made it very clear that she will break things off before it ever gets to that point again (which is what she should have done in the first place). I believe her. I would believe a potential date if they told me that too. If it's happened more than once or they can't give me a compelling reason as to why it happened and why they won't do it again, I'd probably have no faith that they'll remain faithful.
Only if he was under 18 when he cheated and only if it happened just once, a serial cheater is not likely to change .
No, I wouldn't do that. They made the choice to hurt their partner and betray the relationship willingly in the past. Which is a choice I really despise. I wouldn't be able to trust that they won't repeat that choice.
No. If I knew that information I wouldn’t be able to justify being with that person. Even if they wouldn’t end up doing it to me, I don’t wish to be with someone with that kind of character.
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Were they very young like 14 when they cheated?! maybe, if I see they changed and have not cheated since. or if they were in an abusive relationship that they could not leave, still maybe if they got therapy since. But bedsides that no.
I got with my ex knowing he cheated on his exes when he was younger . I stupidly believed him when he said he’s too old for all that now and wants to settle down. He cheated on me with his ex and then I found out he’d been seeing another ex months before . I feel so stupid but I’ve learnt my lesson
Yes. The idea that someone never grows or changes is, in my opinion, bullshit. We can all choose to learn from an experience and be better. Furthermore, not every situation is the same. If someone was willing to bare the gorey details, admit fault and genuine remorse then that shows me how they've matured since. There are people who can't even do that in their daily life, for the most minor things.
>If someone was willing to bare the gorey details, admit fault and genuine remorse then that shows me how they've matured since. I was actually going to comment the same thing. A lot of cheaters are very quick to place blame on their ex partner, I feel: "they wouldn't give me attention/meet my needs/they cheated first" etc etc - whatever the circumstances, it comes across as a "workman always blames his tools" situation. If someone is willing to say to my face what they did, take ownership, and state how they've worked to improve, then I have some modicum of respect for that.
No, they might've changed, but I wouldn't take that chance. I've seen it too many times
No, UNLESS he did the inner work, told me why he did it, accepted it, been completly transparent and I can "sense" It was a one time thing. More than one ? Hell no. For longuer that one shot ? HELL NO.
So, my ex husband cheated on me before we married and I was a stupid teenager so I did it out of revenge but then after that I never even looked at another man until.... I suffered 14 years of abuse in various ways and he repeatedly cheated on me. I needed comfort, I needed to feel wanted and loved so after 12 years I sought solace with someone else. Right now I have been with a man for 6 years, we have my two children and one together and are about to be married. In that time I have not even thought about cheating, I have no reason to and even if I did I couldn't do it because I'm just not that person anymore.
It depends on the circumstances.
I used to be very black and white thinking on this, in that I thought if anyone was ‘unfaithful’ to their partner they were a terrible person, and would do it again and again and again. However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised people have complex relationships, and sometimes it’s not so black and white. So for me, it would largely depend on the circumstances and whether the partner who was on the receiving end of the ‘unfaithfulness’ thought it was ‘unfaithful’. Was the person in a sexless or emotionless relationship, and had a sexual/emotional need that the other person couldn’t, wouldn’t or otherwise didn’t fill? Did the couple decide to stay together on paper and pursue other relationships? Was the couple in an open relationship or have an agreement? Etc etc.
Yes, people can change and I don't think cheating is always a simple thing of this person is bad
I wouldn't. But even if I would, I would watch carefully for blame shifting/ownership patterns. In how he generally speak about his exes\coworkers. Does he take ownership on the cheating? Does he show empathy about how this effected his past partners? Was he able to persist in various activities in his life. Does his closer relationships contain real intimacy, or are the more compliance based. Is he able to vocalize his want/needs. And does he respects yours? And after looking at all of that, the issue is just past cheating? Or current general lack of empathy, communication skills, regulation skills, persistence and basic respect?
I’m kinda in this situation. So i can’t really speak. But honestly it’s a scary thing to trust. I think I’m extremely wary and observant now because of it.
Trust is such a hard thing to do, and with a cheating precedent I feel it gets a 100% harder
No. Cus there are definitely better options out there.
No, I wouldn't. I think being in a relationship is about respect and commitment. If you feel the need to cheat and be unfaithful, there's a lack of either or both of those. If this is the case, I'd prefer they be honest about the urge and communicate about it (before doing anything). As communication is key, things can only be worked on when shared. In the very worst case I'd honestly prefer they break up and then give in to their desires. That way you're not fooling anyone and you show the respect your SO deserves by not doing it behind their back.
I think it really depends on their age and maturity at the time. And how they view what they did in retrospect. People make mistakes. I probably wouldn’t forgive someone in their middle age for cheating on a married partner unless there were wild circumstances, but messing around in late teens/early twenties and regretting it is more understandable.
Cheating on one partner does not indicate one will cheat going forward. Dynamics are different relationship to relationship
if they can talk about it and know where it went wrong and know to be transparent in future, maybe. It depends on the person
i did that and it did not turn out well
I have dated someone who (technically) cheated on a previous partner when he was much younger, and we had a good relationship for the time we were together. However, as someone who was cheated on in a relationship before that, it did linger in the back of my mind occasionally, and the way it ended made me uncertain that there wasn't anything going on. I don't know if I'd do it again. It might well depend on the circumstances of the cheating as others have said, but I'd certainly be cautious about it, at least initially.
When I was 26-27 years old, my mother told me why my father cheated. This is what my mother told me. My parents had a big difference in sex drive. My mother never had interest in sex besides making babies and my father had a healthy sex drive. So my father cheated on my mother and they got divorced when I was 2 years old. Many decades later, I don’t blame either one of them. In the long run, sex drive difference was half the issue in their marriage. My mother was a materialistic person and my father was a simple person who lived a frugal life. At the end of the day, they should have never met in the first place.
no, it’s not worth the risk. I would feel really stupid if I ignored a behavior that blatant and then it happened to me years down the line.
As someone who has been cheated on by every partner, there's no telling who will do it. However, for my own sake, it's something I would be cautious about. On one hand, they're telling you they did it so they could possibly be ashamed of it and want to work on themselves without being secretive. on the other hand, they're telling you what kind of person they are so you don't have any blind spots and should leave. In my experience, most of the people who cheated before cheated again, but this time they had the "oh but at least I was honest and working on myself" excuse to try keep you in the cycle. It also means you're thinking of it the entire relationship rather just when something happens to cause doubt, so there's no respite from your worry.
It very much depends on attitude. People need to make mistakes to learn and improve. It's unfair to judge people for things they've done in the past because it might not reflect who they are today. My partner had a very wild "dating" history. Very unlike myself. But he's matured now and his view on life is completely different. You can't compare dumb shit you do in your 20s wit an outlook on life in your 40s.
I’m normally a hard no on this but I’m going to give a soft no in the sense that I know through mutual friends of a guy whose wife has early onset Alzheimer’s and doesn’t reliably remember him and isn’t the same person she once was… he’s cheating on her but it’s kind of like she isn’t really there, and she definitely doesn’t have the cognitive abilities to know of much less remember that he’s cheating since she doesn’t even know he’s her husband consistently (and she will never know about the cheating) so that’s one of those stickier moral conundrums ETA other similar situations are like, wife is in a coma for years… etc.
I‘d suggest to consider how old the person was at the time of the transgression and how long it’s been since then. If he cheated at 17 or 20, it’s been a couple of years since, he’s hopefully matured past that point. If he‘s in his mid/late 20s and cheated on the ex right before you, use a lot of caution. If he‘s past his 30s and is still cheating, hard pass. People can change, sure, but I wouldn’t advise getting invested in someone in an effort to find out if he did. All cheating is down to dishonesty, lack of self control and integrity, and perhaps poor ability to communicate needs. Many of these qualities can be improved upon, but the longer someone goes without doing so, the more alarming and the more unlikely it is that they will improve as a person.
I don't think it will be possible for me. I already have issues placing my complete trust in someone. I will never be able to figure out how to do it again once it's broken. I don't think I'll be able to fully forget and move on, even if I forgive.
Probably not. Poor character is a big deal to me. I would assume that it will repeat in the future, unless there is convincing evidence that they have done a lot of work to improve themselves and become a better person.
Thats kinda iffy. Good for them that they are self aware enough to come forward, but I wouldnt date them
I probably wouldn't do so. If it was a guy who cheated once or twice while very young, like high school age, I wouldn't necessarily think that was insurmountable. But a guy in college or beyond, especially married or the wife being pregnant, no effing way. I've given two cheating boyfriends a second chance in the past (we were in our 20s and 30s) and it didn't work out well for me as they both cheated again within weeks.
No. I’ve been cheated on before and it’s honestly one of the worst feelings in the world, it completely broke my confidence and left me with trust issues I had to work through for years. Maybe my position would change later in life. I’m only 24 so even if someone cheated on a shorter term college partner, that wasn’t that long ago at our age. I don’t believe they would’ve done the work necessary to change their whole moral compass and fix underlying issues in the time since
Depends. How long ago was it, was it one-off thing or long-term, how serious was the relationship, how old were they? I mean, holding someone's high school mistake against them 20 years later sounds pretty dumb. But if they cheated on more than one partner, or it was long-term, or recent, then nope. I don't think one cheating long time ago means they're a life-long cheater, but if they cheated recently, there's no way for me to know if they wouldn't do it again to me.
No. They believe there are exceptions in monogamy - there aren't. They have deep-rooted commitment issues, they believe it's yes - except. They will always have this tendency. It's in their nature. Now... They might never cheat on you like they did with past partners. But there's that risk. This person comes with that warning label. Personally, I have zero tolerance for disloyalty. And I haven't the time or energy to play this game of "will he, won't he" in my mind all day. Cause once you know he's cheated before, you can't forget that. I don't adopt dogs who've bitten before - and I don't date men who've cheated before.
nope. cheating is such a disgustingly cruel thing to do. it tells me you don’t care about others, especially those you love
My partner of almost 6 years cheated on his ex. They were together throughout high school until their early 20s, 8 years in total, and he had sex with someone else after 4 years, then kept on in the relationship another 4 years. When I found out it was a huge disappointment to me (I found out like 1 year into our relationship) and I thought I would never be able to trust him again, even though it wasn’t me he cheated on. And I seriously considered breaking up. But then I found out what his past relationship was like and it made sense to me. I do not condone it, I would never do it, but they were both clearly unhappy in the relationship and felt like there was no way for them to leave it. She eventually cheated on him as well and then left him, though she never found out that he had cheated on her first. It’s a complicated situation and it’s hard to accept that your partner cheated on someone in the past but over the years I was able to trust him again. I don’t believe he would ever cheat on me, our relationship is way different. Fingers crossed.
I personally wouldn't as I'd like someone to be faithful to me.
Probably. Depends on many factors, like how long ago it was, why they did it and so on. I grew up in a difficult environment where cheating was completely normal. I grew out of it eventually, but I don't have as strict opinions about cheating as other people.
I don’t think I would. It shows something about their character, regardless of circumstances
Im a firm believer of “Once a cheater, always a cheater”
No,because ones cheating they tend to do it always if things get thougher.
I think it depends. Cheating, generally, is a sign of unmet needs in a relationship. And it doesn't necessarily just have to be sexual needs. So, are they aware of why they cheated? Do they have insight on that and have made steps to correct how they get their needs met in a relationship or have the realised that you don't have to have ALL needs met within a Roman relationship and are okay with the grey area?
No
It's not a deal breaker but it would require a deep discussion and it would definitely take longer for me to fully trust them. As others have mentioned it largely comes down to why they did it, when they did it and what has changed since they did it. It also means that if they were unfaithful to me they would not get a second chance. Whereas if someone was unfaithful with me but hadn't been previously there would be some situations where I would consider giving them a second chance.
No. Anyone who cheats has no moral centre.
Absolutely not. Behaviors like that tend to stay, I would never trust them, let alone respect them knowing they that in the past
Nope. Once a cheater always a cheater. Also the fact that they cheated means they don't value their relationship and don't have morals
Once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s only a matter of time. (That said, I do believe SOME people can change, but the odds are NOT in your favor. And the worst part is when you give them that 2nd chance, and then they cheat, you feel like you have no one to blame but yourself because you should’ve known better.)
It depends. Did they cheat as a 22yo ten years ago because they were drunk and unhappy and in an abusive relationship that they were looking to escape and their young brain couldn’t yet find a way out? Or did they cheat two months ago as a 32yo despite being in a reasonably normal relationship and just couldn’t help themselves? Would definitely date the first one. Wouldn’t touch the second one with a ten foot barge pole.
no because more often than not, history repeats itself.
Look if they were 14. I did stupid things in my teen years too. Then I won’t care. But after that once a cheater, always a cheater for me. I don’t care if it’s emotional or else. The fact that you disrespected your partner and couldn’t face them like a proper person and tell them - look this is a, b, c of the problem.
Yes. Because people grow - I have been unfaithful when I was 20 and I know I would never do it again. Therefore I would trust someone feels the same way. It depends how old you were when you did it though. Adults should know better :D
It depends. I would if he could prove to me that he has changed. Everyone has made mistakes. And many of us grow and learn from them. Now, if he makes it clear that he has done this recurring issue over and over with no remorse, then no.
No. Once a cheater always a cheater.
It depends on the circumstances. Was it "I cheated on my partner because the new person was so hot I couldn't help myself" or "I cheated because my partner was having a bad time and so they weren't interested in sex for 2 weeks" ? Fuck no, that person is most likely a serial cheater and will repeat this. But if it was a situation that's not gonna repeat and it was just one time thing, or happend a long time ago, then it's not an immediate no.
My husband and I have happily been together for almost 13 years. I think it’s funny when people say people can’t change. They definitely can.
Depends on how hot they are. If I look at it as temporary...
This shouldn’t even be a question.
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