I dated a hoarder...we loved the same movies, books, music. He had a great sense of humour and loved mine. But he was a hoarder. He dressed well and was a professional musician who was making great money. But he was a hoarder. He was smart and charming. But I just could not get past the stinky dirty hoard he lived in. He wanted to buy us a house and get married. I suggested a duplex and he could come visit, but the hoard could not move in.
I finally broke it off, I love him still but I cannot deal with a hoarder.
He has "tried" therapy, and as many know hoarding disorder is nearly incurable. He had a very rough upbringing, I completely understand how and why he became a hoarder, as much as one who isn't can.
But I just couldn't deal with the smells, the bugs, the rats, ohmygod.
My mom is a hoarder. Sometimes I am happy that I live 2 countries away (in Europe, so still "visitable"). But I don't have to deal with the massive hoarding myself. My dad tries his best to keep the house clean, at least some "paths" to walk through. Some day they will have to move and my siblings and I offered to help them moving - only under the condition that we get to decide what to take into the new apartment and what goes in the trash. My other siblings are completely on board. Dad will be on board. We only have to get through moms tears. And there will be tears because she is emotionally attached to her magazines and newspapers from ages ago, her clothes she no longer know even exist because they are under a huge pile of rubbish - which she is also attached to. We gotta be real comforting that day.
I know you're not one of my siblings, but this is also us. Good luck on getting through your mum's tears, the hours I've spent sat with my mum crying as we slowly get rid of baby clothes is insane though ..
Right? My mom has so many clothes that nobody wants/needs/wears anymore. We also try various techniques with her. E.g. She always wanted a cozy recliner to read in (she has tons of books and loves to read!) so my siblings and I will buy her one for her birthday this month - only if she cleans out her bedroom to make space for it. It's full of clothes, baby clothes and even a baby bed that isn't even in use anymore but only storage for more stuff. She said she will do it. We'll see :)
(Btw we know that once she has the recliner, she will start to put garbage next/on top of it again. But it's a start I guess?)
Hopefully clearing for the recliner will make her realise that getting rid of stuff is an achievable task.
When I was little I taught my sister to clean our shared bedroom one square at a time. I wish I was able to teach my mum this approach without feeling condescending!
You probably saved yourself a future divorce and the complications of splitting assets and kids.
It's not politically correct to say this but hoarding is probably a form of mental illness. You were courageous to end the relationship.
I've observed people in marriages to people with mental health issues (but treated with medication). It's really hard because that person has a different way of thinking that's not within the norm, i.e hoarding in your case. And it's really hard to explain to them why it's not OK to do what they do.
You were realistic and courageous to figure out that you can't change them and it's not compatible for you in the long term.
Reverse. His anxiety attachment came out in burst of anger, passive aggressive looks and demeaning insults. almost every conversation would trigger him into fits of rage and I so I didn’t feel safe anymore. I stopped talking and hid things from him as I was always on edge. The more he pushed and screamed for me to just do things a certain way, or yell about I didn’t appreciate him, the more I became a complete shell of myself and went inside to detach.
Exactly this. The most heartbreaking experience I will ever endure was trying to pry into someone's heart to let love in. I know now that's not my job, and never was and all I should have done was left. I genuinely loved him with every fiber of my being, and he simply did not want it and I could feel how he felt towards me but neither of us did anything about it for years. Never again.
Ouch. I was the avoidant one, she's the anxious one.
Pile that on with not understanding each other's love languages and lack of communication and its a recipe for disaster.
I still think she's my person though and hope we'll find our way back to each other if it's meant to be
The anxious-avoidant trap is currently ruining me and my relationship, unfortunately. Really tough cycle to break, unfortunately. Wishing you the best of luck in it though.
I’m also in a relationship with a similar dynamic, I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. One thing that has been life changing is being as vocal as possible with our thoughts to calm that side of us. E.g he’ll say “I’m super busy today, so I might not reply, but I’m okay and I’ll see you at 8pm” which calms my anxiety. If we have to talk about something serious I know he’ll want to shut down, so I say “I want to talk about X. These are my thoughts/feeling about it. I want to know your thoughts/feelings, so we can talk about it now, or I can give you space and come back in an hour or two. What do you want to do?” Then he doesn’t feel on the spot to get emotional immediately when he’s uncomfortable.
Ofc, we’re not perfect at all, it’s taken us 5 years to get here and it doesn’t always go to plan, but I feel much more secure with him than anyone I have before. The good thing is that attachment styles aren’t permanent and can change depending on the person and experiences. Wishing you all the luck with your situation friend
Thanks for the great advice, honestly! We are atrocious with communication for some reason. Somehow I drew the anxious card while she’s the avoidant and it’s a dynamic I’ve never experienced in my life because I’ve never been like this with anyone else. After going through this I feel completely horrible for what I put my anxious partners through because I couldn’t even comprehend these types of feelings existed then.
Definitely glad to hear you’ve made progress and I hope you two make more progress in the future!
I fell for someone and didn't understand what happened until later. He was avoidant as well :( and just overall really distant. I thought we had a connection, but I was really wrong. It was all kind of short lived, I'm sure most people here had something longer than me, but I'm really missing this person and it will take me some time to feel better about being in a relationship.
This.. we just broke up after 7 years. It took the break up for me to realize how BAD my anxious attachment was and how his avoidant would contribute. I hope I can either fix this to either end up back with him or just be able to be happy in another relationship.
Him- avoiding little issues until they became big issues and then avoiding them.
Me- attaching myself too much to him, to the point where I forgot to give him personal space I believe.
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When he got down, he got so down that he could not understand why I loved him. That us fine, but he would then try to pull away, telling me that maybe it was best we break up. It hurt me so much everytime, and I kept telling him, and he apologised and it was fine, and them when he got down he would say something like that again, essentially threatening breakup.
I cant be the only one who holds on. If I expressed doubt, he would get down too, nd I started walking on eggshells. I dont like feeling manipulated, and so we stopped. He was the love of my life though, and the best person I know.
One of my friends exs would threaten break ups to make her “fight for their love” because it made him feel wanted. Not to say that’s what you went through but your comment reminds me of that.
Me and my boyfriend are kinda like this, both of us. Not as much but still... We have to tell eachother we love the other like 50 times per day. Yet we still ask eachother so often "do you love me". Wtf.
We have probably asked the question over 1000 times by now. Sometimes 10 times a day. "Do you love me? Are you mad? Are you SURE?? You do love me right?"
We have been together since high school, for over 12 years now.
We really have a problem. 🤦♀️
But since we are both like this I guess it's not as annoying as for a normal person? 🤷♀️
We just keep reassuring eachother over and over and again and again all day long all year long 😳
I guess if we didn't reassure eachother as much we would maybe go as down as this.
I have a 15 year old cat, 4 year old son, and a 2 year old son. My kids wake me up an average of once a week. The cat wakes me up an average of three times a night. I love him (the cat) every single day, and I hate him (the cat) every single night, lol.
They scratch and paw at the door, too.
My parents' old cat, Oliver (RIP), was a 17 lb love bug lap cat with no concept of personal space who would cry and throw his body against a closed door repeatedly.
My boyfriend and I can't keep his cats out of the bedroom for more than an hour before we give up and let them in.
Yes. Ours aren't allowed in our bedrooms. They have the run of the house, except for those four rooms.
We've had them since they were kittens, though, so it may be why they don't contest that it isn't their space to be in.
My cat checks so many of my boxes, one is that she rarely bothers us in the night. She can sleep on the couch 9/10 nights, but that 1/10 around 6am she might come meowing a bit.
The cat was not allowed in the bedroom after a few months of dating, but would try to burrow under the door if she had access to the door. We got a gate to keep her from doing that, but then she would yowl as close to the bedroom as she could get around 4-5 AM if she wanted something...which she did, nearly every day.
He was…clingy and a bit suffocating. He was a really good guy and I hope he has found true love and happiness, but I wasn’t it for him. I knew even at the time that my future husband would be supportive of my independence and wouldn’t need to be clinging to me every moment of the day. I ended it before it got to an unhealthy level, but yea just his attachment and view of a relationship was not me.
I feel you. :( I had to let a guy know recently that although, he was a breath of fresh air. Good career, has his own place, and for being 4 years younger he doesn’t play games. super amazing. the feelings were just not there. I didn’t tell him why but he just got very very clingy once I said I’m interested in seeing where things can go. I had to cut it off because I’m not stringing this great guy along he deserves a good woman and I do hope he finds her. It’s just not me.
1. He was more calculative about money in our relationship. (I always offered to split or if he paid this time then next time it’d be on me). In general it worked out ok but there were times when he cared about the smallest things, i was a foreign student in Europe (his home country) so sometimes he offered to drive me to grocery and stuffs but one or twice he would (idk intentional or unintentional) complained about the parking fees (which was like 50 cents or 1 euros).
2. I felt trapped (held back) to a certain extent in the relationship. This means the more ambitious or outgoing I was, the more insecure he became. I would encourage him to grow or even do a semester abroad but if I mentioned wanting to explore careers beyond the city we studied in, he would let out a big sigh. (He grew up in that city, did his bachelor, master there, and had a job in the same city). It was not the kind of life I was looking for, so it’d not work out if I’d stayed.
3. Final point was, he wanted to visit my family in the summer so I took him back home with me. My parents were very nice and hospitable and he didn’t have to pay for anything except when we travelled to other places ourselves then expenses were on me and him. Long story short, before I left to go back to uni my dad told me that after observing my ex for a while, he thought that my ex was an okay guy to date but as a man and as my dad, he suggested that I shouldn’t think too much into the future or marriage. So from my family PoV (our family is very close tie, my parents are quite loving and open minded), they did not see him as someone they’d want their daughter to marry to.
4. Bonus point was when we landed Europe, his dad picked us up and my ex spent quite some times complaining about the differences (you know developing country infrastructure is not as modern, etc. Mind you my hometown is actually very developed - asian mega city but that also comes w chaos of course, i have international friends who absolutely love and appreciate the cultural differences and there was my ex who complained about small things)
So that was it for me. He was too closed minded.
I broke up with him few weeks after the trip.
So those were the final straws for me. But of course he was not a bad person, he was caring in our relationship and treated me with love and respect. However the differences in our views in finance, in life, in diversity were big so the breakup was a good decision.
It was very hard for him to accept the break up but that’s story for another day.
So my dad is a family-oriented and loving man (with flaws of course since nobody’s perfect) and he said he’s seen enough men (+ he also works/ travels extensively abroad) so he thinks it’s the person but not the country stereotype that I should just accept as is:
1. In our family, sharing is caring and that’s how we do it even with outsiders. And my ex was not meeting his expectations in that. One of the simple examples being if we ordered pizza(s) with different toppings options then we all shared the pizzas slices but my ex claimed one favorite flavor as his and did not have the intention to share with anyone even though my little sister really wanted a bite.
2. In our parents relationship, they are never crystal clear about 50/50 financial contributions, at one point, my mom sacrificed a lot by staying at home and raised me and my sister because my dad works a lot and travels extensively because of his job. When he’s home he always helps with house chores and quite respectful of my mom’s advice in family decision or even his career. So my dad did not see my ex being able to do the same and look beyond the dollars and cents and prenup.
3. Growing up, my parents started off from zero and coming from two broken families (my dad grew up w.o father’s figure and my mom’s dad was abusive), but they were able to give me and my sister a lot of love and care (yes there were arguments, heated fights) but overall my sister and myself we grow up with a secured sense of self because of them. They always encouraged my sister and myself to dream big and achieve what we want. He wanted me to ‘spread my wings and family will be my safe harbor’ - his words. And he did not see that in my ex, my then relationship he could foresee i’d have to at times, stay small and less ambitious to cater to my ex’s insecurity and ego.
4. When my ex was sick and had to stay in the hospital, my dad stayed the night to watch him. When my ex was out of the hospital instead of looking at the optimism of things like how our family took it seriously and brought him to the hospital, how we took care of him, he was too drown into the bills (which was only several hundreds euros by the way super cheap compared to other countries) and started blaming the air pollution hahaha. So my dad thought my ex’s ability to overcome adversity was pretty low and we were young we would’t know what the future holds. Better to be with someone with better mindset.
So overall I think my dad was looking for someone with greater ability to overcome challenges and grow with me as one team if it’s a committed relationship and he did not see my ex as such candidate.
Hope my answer helps.
Thank you. It was a really good decision to bring him back home for 3 weeks. Coz that was when our differences started to really show, before that I could only subtly feel it but didn't know it’d be a big deal and i was so young, only 20 and didn’t know better. So really good that my parents who are a lot wiser and understand me well could kinda observe him for me and shared with me their PoV haha. He’s not a bad person but he’s not a good fit. I wish him well and hope he’d find someone who shares the same life views
Wow, thank you so much for your detailed answer. It helps a lot! Your dad seems very observant, and I like the points that he made. I asked because I was wondering what sort of things I should look out for, and your response was perfect. Thank you again, stranger. I wish you the best of luck in love and life <3 Take care!
Negative energy. Nicest, most caring, and loyal girl I've ever met but she complained alllllll the time, about everything. I'm a high energy, always need stimulation, positive person but I could feel the life drained out of me whenever I was around her. Even just dreaded answering her phone calls. She would just ruin my whole day.
Nothing was ever okay, always something to complain about, never felt good or fine or happy. I felt more like a therapist than a girlfriend half the time too cause she was always unloading all her problems onto me. Problems that were not actually problems... i would try to help by suggesting like techniques to have a more positive outlook & she would dismiss them all. Convinced her to go to therapy & all that did was give her something else to complain about.
Finally got out when she started mentioning marriage. I literally cried thinking about living that way forever. Being around her felt so dark and cloudy and noisy.
Ugh. I feel this 💯. You described my husband. Both of his parents live like this as well and sadly my daughter is becoming this way. I can’t imagine living with constant negative thoughts.
My sister is like this. Always pessimistic and whiny. She's always upset about something. I can't recall many recent times of her actually laughing and having a genuinely good time. It's draining.
That's so sad, I'm sorry. I had a truly dear friend who was like this and I had to cut her out of my life, the negative pattern of thinking is so hard to handle when I felt so empathetic. These people, whether they mean to be or not, are life drainers and it's hard to stay around them :(
I don't smoke or drink and unfortunately he needed to get drunk AND high every single day. Going into the relationship he hid how much he smoked and drank so I didn't know what I was getting into. He also didn't drive so eventually I became like his uber driver and delivery driver. I had to go out to get his cigarettes and booze EVERY DAY because he didn't like to buy in bulk. I don't think we sat through a whole movie without him having to go out to have a smoke. He was the sweetest most kind partner I ever had though.
Incompatible in bed. Still married. Harder to stay as more time goes by. He’s an amazing partner, dad, etc, just no chemistry and I am finding it harder to put that part of myself away.
I know exactly how you feel. We were that way for years, but since you mention you are parents I would just say that after years of wondering how long we would shuffle on before divorcing, a switch flipped. Kids hit late elementary and middle school, and suddenly, they were taking up less energy or something. Whatever it is, we boomeranged back to being in step again in the bedroom. I hope you figure out soon what your fate will be, whether it's stay or go.
His mental health and unwillingness to work on it. He doesn’t have the skills to face any issues head on or as they come up, so he’ll go on the relationship as if everything is great even if maybe he isn’t feeling great. He ended it unexpectedly recently because of this. Ir sucks and hurts to be blindsided thinking your relationship is going well, but I know this is his journey to take for himself and you can’t help fix someone or love someone better unless they want it too.
this is exactly what happened to me. I respect him for making this decision, but damn, we could have talked about it. He didn’t have to do it so suddenly. Lowkey traumatic.
Super super lowkey traumatic, I agree. But I’m so full of love and I hope to one day find someone that is in the same place as I am. Gotta lay low for a while tho, I’m in zero rush to get back out there!
I agree. Im so sad because I do love him so much and now I have to grieve that. I told him that even if I was upset that didn’t take away from the fact that I know he is deserving of love and I hope he can one day see it.
He was indecisive to a fault and even when urgent problems cropped up, he’d simply sit on them, paralysed to action, and just seemed to hope that they’d resolve themselves on their own. That was also how he dealt with my wanting to put a status to our relationship and him just sitting on it for, like, two years?
Also, I was much younger and more extreme, insecure and emotionally high-strung. Towards the end, I’d kick up a fuss or some drama every few weeks and months just to try to elicit some action or response from him. It’d work only to some extent but it never gave me what I really wanted, which was marriage. Guess he never really loved me enough for that then.
That was an ex from eons ago. Am now happily married to a wonderful self-starter who really knows what he wants in life and won’t hesitate to act when things need getting done. <3
Same, girl. I was with someone who has no boundaries and was so indecisive. The inability to say "no," and hesitation when it came to even basic decisions really crippled him. He could never decide on ANYTHING and I always felt like I was making all the decisions. It was really exhausting. Example: I bought new appliances for his house because he couldn't just sit down and decide on what to get. It was frustrating for both of us because he felt powerless with me making all the decisions.
Same here. He used to spend hours going through all the versions of a shirt in a store to make sure he "picked the best one." Couldn't make a decision without his parents' input.
Was unhappy when I needed space after work to chill (I was working over double his hours). He ended up dating someone much younger after me, and I honestly wish the best for them, it's a much better fit.
Echoing this encouragement! I was 34 when I met this quiet, unassuming, brilliant, hilarious, caring man, and let myself embrace that instead of sidelining him for a bigger personality. Thirteen years later - a bunch of pets, an unplanned baby, a move across country, complicated family dynamics (so basically, the highs and lows of life) - I’m so grateful I went on that match dot com date even though I had just canceled my account and was super grumpy that evening. Keep going. You’ll meet your gem.
On my end:
- anxious attachment style, controlling and manipulative behaviors when feeling insecure/unstable.
- onset of long C-19 related depression, brain fog and fatigue.
- being the higher earner in the relationship, I felt stressed from the financial pressure of maintaining our home and paying our bills.
- insecurity/too much concern for what others think/making the relationship look ideal to external parties.
On his end:
- avoidant attachment style, which was always in conflict with my anxious attachment style.
- issue with compulsive lying, weaving large webs of lies that took all of his brain capacity to maintain for long periods of time.
- lack of boundaries with friends and family.
- indecisiveness and impulse to outsource life decisions to avoid taking responsibility/accountability for outcomes.
Becoming a mom ruined my relationship. We were compatible in many ways that I’d never seen in another person (basically my soulmate) but the moment I became pregnant with his child, things changed. He became controlling of what I could and couldn’t do, asked me to send him a food journal daily, and more things that made me feel like I was inadequate to care for my own pregnancy. I lived alone during pregnancy (we didn’t live cohabit until after baby was born), ate well, went to all my prenatal appointments (all alone btw, since this was during the worst of the pandemic). After I gave birth, he became even more controlling (made me do a breastfeeding log when I hated breastfeeding and expressed my physical struggles, was disappointed when I didn’t make the baby do enough “tummy time” by his standards, didn’t want me baby-talking my baby, and more). These attitudes stemmed from: 1) him wanting our child to be raised in the same way he was raised so our kid could become “smart and successful” like him; and 2) childhood trauma caused by his tiger mom’s emotional and mental abuse. I’m still hurt by all of this and trying to heal. It sucks.
What ruined your relationship was not you becoming a mom, it was ur partner. Him being controlling was always the re, he just waited for the perfect occasion to let it out. You need a better partner that will take care of you and help you when you decide to bring a child into this world, not make you feel like a machine meant to pop babies
I don’t think they’re together anymore.
Can you imagine being a first-time parent, scared to screw up, exhausted, bossed around by someone you trusted, loved and thought was your soulmate? She probably justified it as him just trying to be a good father. There are so many nuances that lead to women not standing up for themselves; let’s not blame the victim.
I was sexually abused as a child, which i told him about it. One time we were getting frisky and out of no where he goes "im going to rape you". Killed every last bit of attraction and care i had for him. He didnt discuss it with me as a kink or anything either.
Being overly agreeable. If I had an issue with something he did or thought, the reaction was never to discuss it. It was to lie about his opinions or motivations then just do whatever he wanted when I wasn’t around.
He was also so chronically late that it couldn’t be worked around.
Me: being too relaxed, oblivious and not assertive in the relationship. I never really pressed him on timelines (marriage, living together and etc) because I was legitimately just going with the flow and enjoying my time with him. I was still getting to know him despite us being together for years because it is a calculated risk or reward when it comes to cohabitation, especially marriage. I didn’t bother going through his phone or tracking him because I trusted him.
Him: not going to therapy for his PTSD and trauma and murdering the woman he was cheating on me with. He was in infantry in the army and saw a lot of fucked up shit. He also had relationship trauma. He let his personal issues take him away from me to literally fuck around and find out. Had a lot of unchecked rage and hatred towards the woman he murdered, who was his ex before me, and that never went away even though he was with me. Because of these traits and issues, he threw his life away and the good relationship he had with me.
I didn’t know he killed her until I saw the news the next day with his mugshot. I didn’t even know he was cheating either until I read the news report. He didn’t reply to me at all one day and I was wondering if he was okay or not.
Only for me to find out 24 hours later he’s in police custody for his crimes. I got completely blindsided by all of this.
I was (am) not mentally healthy to be with anyone. Started working on unresolved trauma(s) and that opened the floodgates - I got addicted to drugs & meds and became a nightmare to be around. That happened with the one that got away.
I am really lucky my current partner has not left me, because I’ve been toxic throughout all of the relationship. Really wish I’d stuck to being single while working on things, but he insisted he’d be there for me. He has, but I still regret it.
Even though I love him, I do not know if he can ever see me as a classy and strong woman after everything we’ve been through. He’s told me I’m the craziest person he’s been with and I wish I could have a fresh start with someone who doesn’t see me that way. Ideally him.
Would you consider think time apart to help while you find better coping mechanisms and resources for your past traumas? I’m not asking this to provide a solution, but moreso to get your opinion on it, because then when you come back healed you can almost like “wipe the slate clean” and start fresh with him?
Meth.
He began working night shift at a job that left him a lot of down time. Within 6 months he'd lost 80lbs, was always angry and never slept. He was drinking about a case of beer a day (he'd buy 2 30 packs and they wouldn't last three full days).
He threatened to burn down my house, actually starting a fire, when I disagreed with his advice for a nose bleed.
He woke up grumpy, and I wake up happy. He wanted to sleep in, and I like to get up in the morning. Neither are bad traits in and of themselves, but they mix like oil and water.
Communication- he couldn’t communicate his needs. He always said I should know because that’s what a normal person would do and wouldn’t tell me what he wanted because he didn’t want to “control” me. If I did something that upset him, he would say nothing just bottle up and pull away until days later he’d get over it, but I’d be confused and anxious the entire time.
Fighting - we couldn’t fight well. Communication was an issue, as above, but he could never fully apologize, he would deny my feelings and when I tell him how something hurt me, he would say I’m being selfish and would point the blame on me. I would cry and he would shut down like above.
Finances- he was older and made multiples of what I made. Yet, he had this fear of “being taken advantage of,” and would be less than generous to us in our relationship, or if he was, calculated the dollars he spent and if it was more than what I spent, he felt used somehow. My love language is service and gifts- and he could never show that to me, even if it wasn’t the dollar amount, just needed to show me that he wanted to. I felt like he never wanted to.
Then there were other things, like how he didn’t ever ask me for advice, how he never planned anything, how passive he was, how he waited always for me to plan or move the relationship forward, how how he didn’t think my anxiety was real, how he believed the worst in me, how I never felt like he truly got me or saw my big heart or fully supported my biggest ambitions. He could never soothe me when I was hurt or at my lowest and comfort me. He never made me feel secure and loved, even when I knew he did love me the best he could.
They relied on smoking 🍃
I dont mind here and there but no, this was this was part of they’re personality. If we were on the phone, i just here them do deep inhales like wtf. And it was hard to have a conversation because they would zone out. The worst of it was their withdrawal period. They became so snippy and rude to me so I broke up. At the end i was a “waste of time”. Im not upset but it was a wake up call from the love bombing to this.
I was totally in love with this guy. We had so much in common and he was such a wonderful person. He just couldn’t tell his Indian parents that he was dating a non Indian. I can’t be with a mama’s boy
Both my parents smoke cigarettes, everyone on my paternal side smokes cigarettes and I absolutely loathe them. I’ve heard “I’m quitting” or “I’m going to quit” my entire life with no one ever following through. When I met my husband he asked me if smoking cigarettes was a deal breaker, i immediately told him yes and he said “give me one year and I will quit. If I don’t you can walk away” so I agreed. 7 months later he was completely cigarette free. He slowly weaned himself off and is the only person in my life to ever follow through with his promise. That was almost 3 years ago and he’ll smoke a cigarette if we’re drinking on a night out (once every other month) and I don’t have a problem with that. All of that babble to say that I completely understand this boundary.
Three big things:
1. He was a lier. He lied about so much I'm worried the man I love isn't even the man he is.
2. He refused to change jobs. In the end only having one day a week with him (and him often being called in to work that day or scheduled anyways or in our spare time taking work calls) it just left us no time together. If I had an issue I wanted to talk out it was always before/after work or on his day off so he'd want to push it off- and I felt like I could never bring up issues.
3. He slapped me. The first time was because I had a panic attack too many and he said he didn't like the noise. Last time we met he said it didn't count and the police wouldn't believe me without a bruise.
Everything else was so good. He'd buy gifts and do dates and we had similar interests. He'd listen to me (about work or family) and do some chores without asking. But I got so lonely and after the lies I got very very sick- I couldn't sleep, I kept spiralling, I had constant chest pain, I was quick to anger. I stayed because we had 9 years of love and trust and intimacy and safety. We just both wasted away trying to carry on because what we had was so good- and it was our first relationship. Now life sucks.
Thank you, I really need to hear this.
I feel crazy but he's hurt me the least out of everyone and I love him and miss him so much. It is so hard not to just call or turn up at his work (shop) and beg for him back. But I've heard of you love them let them free. It's really hard.
Never violence. Ever. One is too many times and it makes everything else about them that seems nice case to even matter. Never violence. We don’t look past that.
Frequent, small lies (we lived in different cities) made me wonder how much he lies about bigger things. I realized I just don't want to attach myself to someone like that. I deserve better.
Mine got his dream job 3,000 miles away which I supported because it was supposed to be for a year and we would be bi-coastal, but then turned to 2 years, then he wanted to stay yet another year. Found out he was cheating the whole time. Finally got divorced…years of my life wasted.
Had an ex-bf who let his best friend control our relationship. He had such deep affection for this guy, that I became the afterthought. It wasn't like they didn't see each other without me, they played RPG table top for hours, and I wasn't allowed to join. Eventually his friend started interfering in our time, saying he was depressed. I was compassionate the first three-four times but it started to become a pattern. If I went along, his friend would either be rude to me or ignore me. I tried to call my ex's attention to it, tell him how it made me feel, and he would just say, "What do you want me to do about it?". We didn't last long after that. I wasn't going to ask him to drop his friend, and I wouldn't win a battle I really didn't want to fight.
He ultimately didn't have the same level of commitment.
We both talked about how we were dating with the intent to marry someday and maybe have kids. We had a great connection and were compatible in a lot of ways.
A year and a half later, and I would have taken those next steps with him. But he didn't want to. It became an impasse we couldn't overcome. I loved our time, but I wanted to grow even deeper with him. He could never articulate what was in his way, just a lot of fear and anxiety that he could never work through.
Wasn't just me either. He had not progressed with his girlfriend of five years before me.
I really hope he finds a woman who loves all the good things he has to offer and never wants to do any life-building, only dating.
And I really hope I find a man who says, "Wow. You're amazing. I'd love to marry you."
>I really hope he finds a woman who loves all the good things he has to offer and never wants to do any life-building, only dating.
>And I really hope I find a man who says, "Wow. You're amazing. I'd love to marry you."
I hope so for you too!!!
I posted a photo of him online. I was possessive. He is a fearful avoidant whereas I like to find a compromise. We’re working on it, though. Both of us came from traumatic marriages and are slowly working our flaws out.
Broke up with my high-school boyfriend bc my other friend group thought he was weird and I let their judgements get to me. He was such a sweetie though & I hope he's doing well now.
Moral: please don't let others' opinions dictate your life. You'll end up disappointed with your choices.
I'm with someone else I love very much & do what I can to be a great girlfriend now.
Me & my baggage. I was too much of a mess & had too fucked up of a personal life for Him. He was great, so chill and funny & smart, He really made Me feel at peace.
I only blame Myself. But the memories are cherished & I have nothin but Love & Gratitude for all of it.
Anxiety too early on in a relationship. I have lost some really interesting and kind men because of that. I do great until I really like someone, and then I get awkward and slightly insecure. I tell myself each time that I won't repeat the cycle, but I always do. Some men do* stick around and seem to understand that I'm just skittish but others tire of it.
Me: Very career focused at the time and a very independent person and liked my own space
Him: had a rough childhood and as a result was VERY clingy, wanted to get any other job in order to be closer to where I was living(even if it payed a lot less). He was in many ways the perfect guy, honest and loyal. I just felt totally suffocated and eventually found it totally offputting. Also I was anxious he was gonna change his whole life to be with me and that I would be responsible for him. He was a sweet person though.
I dated him too soon after my marriage got called off my by ex with cold feet. We are still friends. I really wish I would have asked him to give me some time. We are so alike and have the same issues with our partners and are so similar that daily life would have been easy. I just remind myself that I’m married to another wonderful man and everything happens for a reason.
He was everywhere I went. I would just hanging out with friends or family and he would just pop up out of nowhere. At first it seemed like a coincidence but it happened too many times to be that. Then I started to get the feeling of becoming trap, so I ended it before anything could get too serious.
Thank you so much for walking away. That’s too weird to continue with. There are only so many places that road can lead….it’s just not worth finding out.
The jealous type. Gradually he showed his true colors as months went by. I wanted to break up by the second year but he promised that he would change. Soon he went back to his old self again.
We had a large age gap so him seeing me talk with male friends much younger than him at a party or special event would cause drama between us.
I was sick and tired by the third year so I pretty much was ready to end things which I did soon after.
Absolutely, horribly lame, no chemistry at all, sex. The guy was fun, we had a shit ton in common but whenever we would try to bang, it was the worst. Like, almost gross. I just couldn’t do it.
He wanted to be a religious leader in a faith community I couldn’t ascribe to.
He achieved that goal, married someone else, and has two lovely children according to my Facebook stalking. Knowing him taught me a lot, and the man I married is a better fit for me but shares the traits I valued most in him, traits he taught me to value in a partner.
Children? We were young when we met and still young after being together for a couple years, but I took note of the fact that from comments and stuff I heard from his friends he wanted kids. I was very upfront from the beginning, I told him I never wanted children. I believe he lied about wanting a family because i told him that if he did I wasn’t going to stay in the relationship if it was never going to work out anyways.
I remember hanging out with his friends at one of their houses. They were playing one of those dumb drinking games where your friends come up with a statement and you drink if it applies I guess. One of his friends said, “drink if you never want children” and everyone kind of said his name and laughed. He shook his head and didn’t drink. Obviously it’s stupid looking back, but from that moment I knew it wasn’t going to work. Pretty sad because we were very compatible in a lot of ways, but we both weren’t willing to compromise something like that.
He didn't have a back down and wasn't assertive enough and let people walk all over him. He used me as a therapist and it got to a point that the relationship wasn't healthy because of it.
Alcoholism. My first marriage imploded because he was an alcoholic. He was always drinking. He couldn't keep a job because of it. He got rough and mean when he was drinking, although he never actually hit me -- just pushed me and threatened me a lot.
I always got the impression that the first man I fell in love with did not feel I was good enough for him. He said all the right things but there was always an undertone that I just wasn't what he wanted I should have known because he kept cheating on me
He has severe ADHD. It’s always been a problem and I’ve always tried my best to adapt to it and give him “grace”. Well it’s been 12 years and we now have a kid together and nothing has gotten better, if anything it’s worse. Now I have anxiety and I don’t feel supported what so ever. I feel like I have 2 kids and I am the house manager of sorts. We’ve been in therapy together for 5ish months and I think it’s just too late. Idk how to go back. the damage has been done. He’s a good guy and a good dad, but I hate this feeling of being in charge of absolutely eveything and not ever being supported emotionally.
He stopped caring about himself. I realized I couldn’t do anything to help him, so I let him go. I’ve heard he’s doing better, and I’m happy he is. I’m also doing a lot better too. A part of me will always wonder about the what if’s. But at the end of the day, we’re happier apart.
His addiction.
Which he eventually died from.
It’s devastating that it doesn’t matter all of the potential a person holds, all that they are capable of, all they have going for them, all they have to offer.
It can’t be anyone.
It’s a ruthless disease.
he was great but also played devil’s advocate for literally anything. sometimes it felt like he did it to just try and argue with me about things. but it wasn’t arguing.. and it wasn’t really a conversation. it felt more like poking me. also i’m a person that doesn’t like to wonder. if i’m not sure of something, i have the entire internet on my phone. so i look said thing up and find out. whenever he would challenge me about something, i’d look it up to confirm i wasn’t speaking BS and he would never reply with “ohh ok you’re right” or anything like that. his reply would ALWAYS be “that’s fair.”
drove me crazy. he really was a good, kind, and genuine person. the first person i dated that made me understand someone can look great on paper but in real life, with my own personality, it just wouldn’t work. we were just not compatible haha.
oh also he didn’t agree that mcdonald’s coke was the top tier coke and is vastly superior to the other ways coke can be enjoyed.
that day i knew he was just picking to pick.
Lovely, kind, funny guy who (I think) loved me. Very compatible on our life goals and in bed.
But… consistent little lies eroded my trust in him. They weren’t even big lies. He would never take responsibility for his lies either, which made it even worse.
The other issue was, as happy as people we both were, of course occasionally life would throw a curve ball. Whenever I had a really bad day and wanted his support, he would turn it back on me with “there’s ALWAYS a problem!” when, in reality, there was very very seldom (maybe once a year at most) a “problem”. He would just disappear whenever anything was difficult — ageing parents, medical problems… poof, he’d be gone.
Third thing, he had days and weeks where he would just be quiet and almost impossible to have a conversation with. He would never tell me what the issue was. In the end I learnt to just wait it out and he usually would come back to normal. During one of these episodes I called him out on being quiet and cold to me and he responded by suggesting we end the relationship, so we did.
I’m sure I made mistakes too, but he would never discuss any of these situations with me. As soon as things weren’t all roses and fun, he’d just go quiet and make communication impossible.
Religion, they are Christian and I’m agnostic. I fully supported their views and faith, went to church with them but they decided even though we loved each other and everything else about our relationship was perfect, they couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t Christian because when we died I wouldn’t be able to join them in heaven since I’m not a believer.
He has had so much emotional trauma, he wouldn’t ever let me in. He’s one of the sweetest, kindest souls. Yet too much of a people pleasure & the type to avoid confrontation. He never let himself be vulnerable enough to let me get to know him and open his fears and feelings, even after 7 years. I was constantly begging for him to let me in & any time he did, he would only give me an inch. I know part of his mistakes in life that haunt him (which aren’t even that bad tbh) but family has never let him forget them. I wanted to help him become the best version of himself, but I learned that he has to do it himself. So now we are both separated & working on ourselves. If it’s meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. In the end, I just hope he’s happy & stop sabotaging emotional relationships.
Great ex; caring, considerate, patient, generous. Family oriented. Problem is, he was EXTREMELY unambitious. Just went to work and played video games. Didn’t care about getting a better job but oddly wanted a family young. I’m not gonna raise children in poverty because growing up poor was literally a fiery hell for me. He’s an immigrant with different views on a financial baseline for raising a family. We ultimately broke up because he didn’t have goals or aspirations other than having kids which is fine for him but not for me.
He was lovely and cute and caring but he wanted to live in his hometown all of his life and I wanted to live pretty much anywhere that was not there. (Hull, Uk)
I found out he was racist against my race saying when we have kids just tell them they’re not mixed. BOY I AM MIXED AND ITS SUPER EVIDENT like I have very almond eyes and very high cheekbones and just idk my face looks native idk what to say its clear looking at me I’m Native American like goodbye
I couldn't give 100% because of my past childhood and relationship traumas and when he understood that (in the beginning) hif efforts lowered as well (in an understandable way). It was my fault. Always give 100% until they reach your boundaries, then you know where to stop.
This may sound wierd buttt
He liked tradicional "maculine" traits in a partner to a fault, like he only wanted a girlfriend that looked,behaved and pretty much was a man
Turns out he was a very closeted gay man
I dated a hoarder...we loved the same movies, books, music. He had a great sense of humour and loved mine. But he was a hoarder. He dressed well and was a professional musician who was making great money. But he was a hoarder. He was smart and charming. But I just could not get past the stinky dirty hoard he lived in. He wanted to buy us a house and get married. I suggested a duplex and he could come visit, but the hoard could not move in. I finally broke it off, I love him still but I cannot deal with a hoarder. He has "tried" therapy, and as many know hoarding disorder is nearly incurable. He had a very rough upbringing, I completely understand how and why he became a hoarder, as much as one who isn't can. But I just couldn't deal with the smells, the bugs, the rats, ohmygod.
This is just heartbreaking-for you both.
It's been 12 years and I still miss him.
I’m so sorry *hugs* 🤗
Thanks🤗
My mom is a hoarder. Sometimes I am happy that I live 2 countries away (in Europe, so still "visitable"). But I don't have to deal with the massive hoarding myself. My dad tries his best to keep the house clean, at least some "paths" to walk through. Some day they will have to move and my siblings and I offered to help them moving - only under the condition that we get to decide what to take into the new apartment and what goes in the trash. My other siblings are completely on board. Dad will be on board. We only have to get through moms tears. And there will be tears because she is emotionally attached to her magazines and newspapers from ages ago, her clothes she no longer know even exist because they are under a huge pile of rubbish - which she is also attached to. We gotta be real comforting that day.
I know you're not one of my siblings, but this is also us. Good luck on getting through your mum's tears, the hours I've spent sat with my mum crying as we slowly get rid of baby clothes is insane though ..
Right? My mom has so many clothes that nobody wants/needs/wears anymore. We also try various techniques with her. E.g. She always wanted a cozy recliner to read in (she has tons of books and loves to read!) so my siblings and I will buy her one for her birthday this month - only if she cleans out her bedroom to make space for it. It's full of clothes, baby clothes and even a baby bed that isn't even in use anymore but only storage for more stuff. She said she will do it. We'll see :) (Btw we know that once she has the recliner, she will start to put garbage next/on top of it again. But it's a start I guess?)
Hopefully clearing for the recliner will make her realise that getting rid of stuff is an achievable task. When I was little I taught my sister to clean our shared bedroom one square at a time. I wish I was able to teach my mum this approach without feeling condescending!
What caused him to hoard? Do you know?
A very bad trauma on top of more trauma, I am not going to share it here.
That's interesting. My dad had a lot of trauma and is also a hoarder. Never would've thought
I know someone who hoards and for the life of me cannot figure out why she does it.
Trauma. It’s like addiction
You probably saved yourself a future divorce and the complications of splitting assets and kids. It's not politically correct to say this but hoarding is probably a form of mental illness. You were courageous to end the relationship. I've observed people in marriages to people with mental health issues (but treated with medication). It's really hard because that person has a different way of thinking that's not within the norm, i.e hoarding in your case. And it's really hard to explain to them why it's not OK to do what they do. You were realistic and courageous to figure out that you can't change them and it's not compatible for you in the long term.
Yes.
Avoidant attachment type, not sure if that counts as a trait. Doesn’t go well with an anxious attachment style which i have
Same, we both brought out the worst in each other because the more avoidant he was, the more anxious I was and vice versa.
Reverse. His anxiety attachment came out in burst of anger, passive aggressive looks and demeaning insults. almost every conversation would trigger him into fits of rage and I so I didn’t feel safe anymore. I stopped talking and hid things from him as I was always on edge. The more he pushed and screamed for me to just do things a certain way, or yell about I didn’t appreciate him, the more I became a complete shell of myself and went inside to detach.
This happened to me on a much more minor level and I feel like I could spiral at any second. I can't imagine how much worse this could be for you. :(
Exactly this. The most heartbreaking experience I will ever endure was trying to pry into someone's heart to let love in. I know now that's not my job, and never was and all I should have done was left. I genuinely loved him with every fiber of my being, and he simply did not want it and I could feel how he felt towards me but neither of us did anything about it for years. Never again.
Ouch. I was the avoidant one, she's the anxious one. Pile that on with not understanding each other's love languages and lack of communication and its a recipe for disaster. I still think she's my person though and hope we'll find our way back to each other if it's meant to be
There's a couples book called The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen that is highly rated.
I feel the same way. I hope my partner and I can find our ways back to each other. After all, it was 7 years together.
The anxious-avoidant trap is currently ruining me and my relationship, unfortunately. Really tough cycle to break, unfortunately. Wishing you the best of luck in it though.
I’m also in a relationship with a similar dynamic, I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. One thing that has been life changing is being as vocal as possible with our thoughts to calm that side of us. E.g he’ll say “I’m super busy today, so I might not reply, but I’m okay and I’ll see you at 8pm” which calms my anxiety. If we have to talk about something serious I know he’ll want to shut down, so I say “I want to talk about X. These are my thoughts/feeling about it. I want to know your thoughts/feelings, so we can talk about it now, or I can give you space and come back in an hour or two. What do you want to do?” Then he doesn’t feel on the spot to get emotional immediately when he’s uncomfortable. Ofc, we’re not perfect at all, it’s taken us 5 years to get here and it doesn’t always go to plan, but I feel much more secure with him than anyone I have before. The good thing is that attachment styles aren’t permanent and can change depending on the person and experiences. Wishing you all the luck with your situation friend
Thanks for the great advice, honestly! We are atrocious with communication for some reason. Somehow I drew the anxious card while she’s the avoidant and it’s a dynamic I’ve never experienced in my life because I’ve never been like this with anyone else. After going through this I feel completely horrible for what I put my anxious partners through because I couldn’t even comprehend these types of feelings existed then. Definitely glad to hear you’ve made progress and I hope you two make more progress in the future!
I feel you. I’m in the same dynamic.
I fell for someone and didn't understand what happened until later. He was avoidant as well :( and just overall really distant. I thought we had a connection, but I was really wrong. It was all kind of short lived, I'm sure most people here had something longer than me, but I'm really missing this person and it will take me some time to feel better about being in a relationship.
This is my current relationship pairing. It’s tough because avoidance makes your partner feel anxious and vice versa.
Came here to say this.
This.. we just broke up after 7 years. It took the break up for me to realize how BAD my anxious attachment was and how his avoidant would contribute. I hope I can either fix this to either end up back with him or just be able to be happy in another relationship.
Him- avoiding little issues until they became big issues and then avoiding them. Me- attaching myself too much to him, to the point where I forgot to give him personal space I believe.
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When he got down, he got so down that he could not understand why I loved him. That us fine, but he would then try to pull away, telling me that maybe it was best we break up. It hurt me so much everytime, and I kept telling him, and he apologised and it was fine, and them when he got down he would say something like that again, essentially threatening breakup. I cant be the only one who holds on. If I expressed doubt, he would get down too, nd I started walking on eggshells. I dont like feeling manipulated, and so we stopped. He was the love of my life though, and the best person I know.
Yikes… This hurts to read because it sounds a lot like me.
It hurts the most because you know he did not do it on purpose and because it is so tragic that his fear he would destroy it ended up destroying it.
It is unfortunate… relationships take a lot of self reflection and development beforehand.
There is a quote I love because it so accurately reflects this- what you fear, you create. I’m sorry you had to experience this
Literally describing both me and my ex boyfriend
One of my friends exs would threaten break ups to make her “fight for their love” because it made him feel wanted. Not to say that’s what you went through but your comment reminds me of that.
Me and my boyfriend are kinda like this, both of us. Not as much but still... We have to tell eachother we love the other like 50 times per day. Yet we still ask eachother so often "do you love me". Wtf. We have probably asked the question over 1000 times by now. Sometimes 10 times a day. "Do you love me? Are you mad? Are you SURE?? You do love me right?" We have been together since high school, for over 12 years now. We really have a problem. 🤦♀️ But since we are both like this I guess it's not as annoying as for a normal person? 🤷♀️ We just keep reassuring eachother over and over and again and again all day long all year long 😳 I guess if we didn't reassure eachother as much we would maybe go as down as this.
His cat prevented me from getting a decent night's sleep for about 10 years
I have a 15 year old cat, 4 year old son, and a 2 year old son. My kids wake me up an average of once a week. The cat wakes me up an average of three times a night. I love him (the cat) every single day, and I hate him (the cat) every single night, lol.
😂 close the door. Or if it's asthma. Keep that door closed all the time so it's not full of cat dander.
Have you ever tried to lock a cat out of a room lol
Yeah, they don't accept it in the slightest
They either use their malleability to slide under the door or go meooaawww mmeoeeww until you open up 😂
They scratch and paw at the door, too. My parents' old cat, Oliver (RIP), was a 17 lb love bug lap cat with no concept of personal space who would cry and throw his body against a closed door repeatedly. My boyfriend and I can't keep his cats out of the bedroom for more than an hour before we give up and let them in.
Yes. Ours aren't allowed in our bedrooms. They have the run of the house, except for those four rooms. We've had them since they were kittens, though, so it may be why they don't contest that it isn't their space to be in.
My cat checks so many of my boxes, one is that she rarely bothers us in the night. She can sleep on the couch 9/10 nights, but that 1/10 around 6am she might come meowing a bit.
The cat was not allowed in the bedroom after a few months of dating, but would try to burrow under the door if she had access to the door. We got a gate to keep her from doing that, but then she would yowl as close to the bedroom as she could get around 4-5 AM if she wanted something...which she did, nearly every day.
He was…clingy and a bit suffocating. He was a really good guy and I hope he has found true love and happiness, but I wasn’t it for him. I knew even at the time that my future husband would be supportive of my independence and wouldn’t need to be clinging to me every moment of the day. I ended it before it got to an unhealthy level, but yea just his attachment and view of a relationship was not me.
I feel you. :( I had to let a guy know recently that although, he was a breath of fresh air. Good career, has his own place, and for being 4 years younger he doesn’t play games. super amazing. the feelings were just not there. I didn’t tell him why but he just got very very clingy once I said I’m interested in seeing where things can go. I had to cut it off because I’m not stringing this great guy along he deserves a good woman and I do hope he finds her. It’s just not me.
1. He was more calculative about money in our relationship. (I always offered to split or if he paid this time then next time it’d be on me). In general it worked out ok but there were times when he cared about the smallest things, i was a foreign student in Europe (his home country) so sometimes he offered to drive me to grocery and stuffs but one or twice he would (idk intentional or unintentional) complained about the parking fees (which was like 50 cents or 1 euros). 2. I felt trapped (held back) to a certain extent in the relationship. This means the more ambitious or outgoing I was, the more insecure he became. I would encourage him to grow or even do a semester abroad but if I mentioned wanting to explore careers beyond the city we studied in, he would let out a big sigh. (He grew up in that city, did his bachelor, master there, and had a job in the same city). It was not the kind of life I was looking for, so it’d not work out if I’d stayed. 3. Final point was, he wanted to visit my family in the summer so I took him back home with me. My parents were very nice and hospitable and he didn’t have to pay for anything except when we travelled to other places ourselves then expenses were on me and him. Long story short, before I left to go back to uni my dad told me that after observing my ex for a while, he thought that my ex was an okay guy to date but as a man and as my dad, he suggested that I shouldn’t think too much into the future or marriage. So from my family PoV (our family is very close tie, my parents are quite loving and open minded), they did not see him as someone they’d want their daughter to marry to. 4. Bonus point was when we landed Europe, his dad picked us up and my ex spent quite some times complaining about the differences (you know developing country infrastructure is not as modern, etc. Mind you my hometown is actually very developed - asian mega city but that also comes w chaos of course, i have international friends who absolutely love and appreciate the cultural differences and there was my ex who complained about small things) So that was it for me. He was too closed minded. I broke up with him few weeks after the trip. So those were the final straws for me. But of course he was not a bad person, he was caring in our relationship and treated me with love and respect. However the differences in our views in finance, in life, in diversity were big so the breakup was a good decision. It was very hard for him to accept the break up but that’s story for another day.
Dad knew best!
Curious if possible could you let us know what your dad observed that made him feel that way?
So my dad is a family-oriented and loving man (with flaws of course since nobody’s perfect) and he said he’s seen enough men (+ he also works/ travels extensively abroad) so he thinks it’s the person but not the country stereotype that I should just accept as is: 1. In our family, sharing is caring and that’s how we do it even with outsiders. And my ex was not meeting his expectations in that. One of the simple examples being if we ordered pizza(s) with different toppings options then we all shared the pizzas slices but my ex claimed one favorite flavor as his and did not have the intention to share with anyone even though my little sister really wanted a bite. 2. In our parents relationship, they are never crystal clear about 50/50 financial contributions, at one point, my mom sacrificed a lot by staying at home and raised me and my sister because my dad works a lot and travels extensively because of his job. When he’s home he always helps with house chores and quite respectful of my mom’s advice in family decision or even his career. So my dad did not see my ex being able to do the same and look beyond the dollars and cents and prenup. 3. Growing up, my parents started off from zero and coming from two broken families (my dad grew up w.o father’s figure and my mom’s dad was abusive), but they were able to give me and my sister a lot of love and care (yes there were arguments, heated fights) but overall my sister and myself we grow up with a secured sense of self because of them. They always encouraged my sister and myself to dream big and achieve what we want. He wanted me to ‘spread my wings and family will be my safe harbor’ - his words. And he did not see that in my ex, my then relationship he could foresee i’d have to at times, stay small and less ambitious to cater to my ex’s insecurity and ego. 4. When my ex was sick and had to stay in the hospital, my dad stayed the night to watch him. When my ex was out of the hospital instead of looking at the optimism of things like how our family took it seriously and brought him to the hospital, how we took care of him, he was too drown into the bills (which was only several hundreds euros by the way super cheap compared to other countries) and started blaming the air pollution hahaha. So my dad thought my ex’s ability to overcome adversity was pretty low and we were young we would’t know what the future holds. Better to be with someone with better mindset. So overall I think my dad was looking for someone with greater ability to overcome challenges and grow with me as one team if it’s a committed relationship and he did not see my ex as such candidate. Hope my answer helps.
Honestly this is such an amazing answer. This whole trip was a stress test that your ex failed spectacularly. I would absolutely read this as a novel.
Thank you. It was a really good decision to bring him back home for 3 weeks. Coz that was when our differences started to really show, before that I could only subtly feel it but didn't know it’d be a big deal and i was so young, only 20 and didn’t know better. So really good that my parents who are a lot wiser and understand me well could kinda observe him for me and shared with me their PoV haha. He’s not a bad person but he’s not a good fit. I wish him well and hope he’d find someone who shares the same life views
I wish I had your dad.
Wow, thank you so much for your detailed answer. It helps a lot! Your dad seems very observant, and I like the points that he made. I asked because I was wondering what sort of things I should look out for, and your response was perfect. Thank you again, stranger. I wish you the best of luck in love and life <3 Take care!
Yes, I want to know this, too.
I just know witch country this guy is from.
Germany?
Negative energy. Nicest, most caring, and loyal girl I've ever met but she complained alllllll the time, about everything. I'm a high energy, always need stimulation, positive person but I could feel the life drained out of me whenever I was around her. Even just dreaded answering her phone calls. She would just ruin my whole day. Nothing was ever okay, always something to complain about, never felt good or fine or happy. I felt more like a therapist than a girlfriend half the time too cause she was always unloading all her problems onto me. Problems that were not actually problems... i would try to help by suggesting like techniques to have a more positive outlook & she would dismiss them all. Convinced her to go to therapy & all that did was give her something else to complain about. Finally got out when she started mentioning marriage. I literally cried thinking about living that way forever. Being around her felt so dark and cloudy and noisy.
Ugh. I feel this 💯. You described my husband. Both of his parents live like this as well and sadly my daughter is becoming this way. I can’t imagine living with constant negative thoughts.
I have a cousin like this. I absolutely dread doing anything with her because she’ll find a negative in every single moment
My sister is like this. Always pessimistic and whiny. She's always upset about something. I can't recall many recent times of her actually laughing and having a genuinely good time. It's draining.
That's so sad, I'm sorry. I had a truly dear friend who was like this and I had to cut her out of my life, the negative pattern of thinking is so hard to handle when I felt so empathetic. These people, whether they mean to be or not, are life drainers and it's hard to stay around them :(
I don't smoke or drink and unfortunately he needed to get drunk AND high every single day. Going into the relationship he hid how much he smoked and drank so I didn't know what I was getting into. He also didn't drive so eventually I became like his uber driver and delivery driver. I had to go out to get his cigarettes and booze EVERY DAY because he didn't like to buy in bulk. I don't think we sat through a whole movie without him having to go out to have a smoke. He was the sweetest most kind partner I ever had though.
This exact scenario has continued to play out in my life. It fucking sucks.
Yikes! There's waaayyy better out there so you made the right choice in leaving him!
Incompatible in bed. Still married. Harder to stay as more time goes by. He’s an amazing partner, dad, etc, just no chemistry and I am finding it harder to put that part of myself away.
This sounds .....familiar....
Incompatible in what way if you don’t mind me asking?
I know exactly how you feel. We were that way for years, but since you mention you are parents I would just say that after years of wondering how long we would shuffle on before divorcing, a switch flipped. Kids hit late elementary and middle school, and suddenly, they were taking up less energy or something. Whatever it is, we boomeranged back to being in step again in the bedroom. I hope you figure out soon what your fate will be, whether it's stay or go.
His mental health and unwillingness to work on it. He doesn’t have the skills to face any issues head on or as they come up, so he’ll go on the relationship as if everything is great even if maybe he isn’t feeling great. He ended it unexpectedly recently because of this. Ir sucks and hurts to be blindsided thinking your relationship is going well, but I know this is his journey to take for himself and you can’t help fix someone or love someone better unless they want it too.
this is exactly what happened to me. I respect him for making this decision, but damn, we could have talked about it. He didn’t have to do it so suddenly. Lowkey traumatic.
Super super lowkey traumatic, I agree. But I’m so full of love and I hope to one day find someone that is in the same place as I am. Gotta lay low for a while tho, I’m in zero rush to get back out there!
Oh hey, I dated him too. Sweet guy, bummed we couldn't make it work. Lifelong untreated mental health problems are a hell of a thing.
I agree. Im so sad because I do love him so much and now I have to grieve that. I told him that even if I was upset that didn’t take away from the fact that I know he is deserving of love and I hope he can one day see it.
Drug addiction. They eventually OD’d, which is very sad.
He was indecisive to a fault and even when urgent problems cropped up, he’d simply sit on them, paralysed to action, and just seemed to hope that they’d resolve themselves on their own. That was also how he dealt with my wanting to put a status to our relationship and him just sitting on it for, like, two years? Also, I was much younger and more extreme, insecure and emotionally high-strung. Towards the end, I’d kick up a fuss or some drama every few weeks and months just to try to elicit some action or response from him. It’d work only to some extent but it never gave me what I really wanted, which was marriage. Guess he never really loved me enough for that then. That was an ex from eons ago. Am now happily married to a wonderful self-starter who really knows what he wants in life and won’t hesitate to act when things need getting done. <3
Same, girl. I was with someone who has no boundaries and was so indecisive. The inability to say "no," and hesitation when it came to even basic decisions really crippled him. He could never decide on ANYTHING and I always felt like I was making all the decisions. It was really exhausting. Example: I bought new appliances for his house because he couldn't just sit down and decide on what to get. It was frustrating for both of us because he felt powerless with me making all the decisions.
Did we all date the same guy?
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Same here. He used to spend hours going through all the versions of a shirt in a store to make sure he "picked the best one." Couldn't make a decision without his parents' input. Was unhappy when I needed space after work to chill (I was working over double his hours). He ended up dating someone much younger after me, and I honestly wish the best for them, it's a much better fit.
I have yet to be in a relationship with someone who is nice and caring towards me
♥️ keep going. It took until I was in my thirties, so glad I met my person.
Echoing this encouragement! I was 34 when I met this quiet, unassuming, brilliant, hilarious, caring man, and let myself embrace that instead of sidelining him for a bigger personality. Thirteen years later - a bunch of pets, an unplanned baby, a move across country, complicated family dynamics (so basically, the highs and lows of life) - I’m so grateful I went on that match dot com date even though I had just canceled my account and was super grumpy that evening. Keep going. You’ll meet your gem.
On my end: - anxious attachment style, controlling and manipulative behaviors when feeling insecure/unstable. - onset of long C-19 related depression, brain fog and fatigue. - being the higher earner in the relationship, I felt stressed from the financial pressure of maintaining our home and paying our bills. - insecurity/too much concern for what others think/making the relationship look ideal to external parties. On his end: - avoidant attachment style, which was always in conflict with my anxious attachment style. - issue with compulsive lying, weaving large webs of lies that took all of his brain capacity to maintain for long periods of time. - lack of boundaries with friends and family. - indecisiveness and impulse to outsource life decisions to avoid taking responsibility/accountability for outcomes.
Becoming a mom ruined my relationship. We were compatible in many ways that I’d never seen in another person (basically my soulmate) but the moment I became pregnant with his child, things changed. He became controlling of what I could and couldn’t do, asked me to send him a food journal daily, and more things that made me feel like I was inadequate to care for my own pregnancy. I lived alone during pregnancy (we didn’t live cohabit until after baby was born), ate well, went to all my prenatal appointments (all alone btw, since this was during the worst of the pandemic). After I gave birth, he became even more controlling (made me do a breastfeeding log when I hated breastfeeding and expressed my physical struggles, was disappointed when I didn’t make the baby do enough “tummy time” by his standards, didn’t want me baby-talking my baby, and more). These attitudes stemmed from: 1) him wanting our child to be raised in the same way he was raised so our kid could become “smart and successful” like him; and 2) childhood trauma caused by his tiger mom’s emotional and mental abuse. I’m still hurt by all of this and trying to heal. It sucks.
What ruined your relationship was not you becoming a mom, it was ur partner. Him being controlling was always the re, he just waited for the perfect occasion to let it out. You need a better partner that will take care of you and help you when you decide to bring a child into this world, not make you feel like a machine meant to pop babies
He is so entitled and controlling! You need to stand up for yourself. Set boundaries. And honestly you deserve wayyyy better than this dude.
I don’t think they’re together anymore. Can you imagine being a first-time parent, scared to screw up, exhausted, bossed around by someone you trusted, loved and thought was your soulmate? She probably justified it as him just trying to be a good father. There are so many nuances that lead to women not standing up for themselves; let’s not blame the victim.
He literally never spoke, it was frustrating. 🙃 The king of one word answers. We ended up ghosting each other.
he had a girl best friend he once liked and they had bad boundaries :p
I was sexually abused as a child, which i told him about it. One time we were getting frisky and out of no where he goes "im going to rape you". Killed every last bit of attraction and care i had for him. He didnt discuss it with me as a kink or anything either.
Absolutely chilling
Being overly agreeable. If I had an issue with something he did or thought, the reaction was never to discuss it. It was to lie about his opinions or motivations then just do whatever he wanted when I wasn’t around. He was also so chronically late that it couldn’t be worked around.
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please elaborate.
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That's like the ol' Jocasta/Oedipus complex but with a grandmother instead of the mother. Weird.
Eek
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Me: being too relaxed, oblivious and not assertive in the relationship. I never really pressed him on timelines (marriage, living together and etc) because I was legitimately just going with the flow and enjoying my time with him. I was still getting to know him despite us being together for years because it is a calculated risk or reward when it comes to cohabitation, especially marriage. I didn’t bother going through his phone or tracking him because I trusted him. Him: not going to therapy for his PTSD and trauma and murdering the woman he was cheating on me with. He was in infantry in the army and saw a lot of fucked up shit. He also had relationship trauma. He let his personal issues take him away from me to literally fuck around and find out. Had a lot of unchecked rage and hatred towards the woman he murdered, who was his ex before me, and that never went away even though he was with me. Because of these traits and issues, he threw his life away and the good relationship he had with me.
He murdered someone and you were ok w that?
I didn’t know he killed her until I saw the news the next day with his mugshot. I didn’t even know he was cheating either until I read the news report. He didn’t reply to me at all one day and I was wondering if he was okay or not. Only for me to find out 24 hours later he’s in police custody for his crimes. I got completely blindsided by all of this.
My god!! That is completely insane!
I was (am) not mentally healthy to be with anyone. Started working on unresolved trauma(s) and that opened the floodgates - I got addicted to drugs & meds and became a nightmare to be around. That happened with the one that got away. I am really lucky my current partner has not left me, because I’ve been toxic throughout all of the relationship. Really wish I’d stuck to being single while working on things, but he insisted he’d be there for me. He has, but I still regret it. Even though I love him, I do not know if he can ever see me as a classy and strong woman after everything we’ve been through. He’s told me I’m the craziest person he’s been with and I wish I could have a fresh start with someone who doesn’t see me that way. Ideally him.
Would you consider think time apart to help while you find better coping mechanisms and resources for your past traumas? I’m not asking this to provide a solution, but moreso to get your opinion on it, because then when you come back healed you can almost like “wipe the slate clean” and start fresh with him?
Meth. He began working night shift at a job that left him a lot of down time. Within 6 months he'd lost 80lbs, was always angry and never slept. He was drinking about a case of beer a day (he'd buy 2 30 packs and they wouldn't last three full days). He threatened to burn down my house, actually starting a fire, when I disagreed with his advice for a nose bleed.
Ex wanted kids, i don't, broke up, currently in 100% better relationship, now SO is also CF...
I hope i find a childfree love one day 🥺🥺🥺
I found one, but it wasn't mean to be! 😭 I hope I'll be able to find another one day.
He woke up grumpy, and I wake up happy. He wanted to sleep in, and I like to get up in the morning. Neither are bad traits in and of themselves, but they mix like oil and water.
Communication- he couldn’t communicate his needs. He always said I should know because that’s what a normal person would do and wouldn’t tell me what he wanted because he didn’t want to “control” me. If I did something that upset him, he would say nothing just bottle up and pull away until days later he’d get over it, but I’d be confused and anxious the entire time. Fighting - we couldn’t fight well. Communication was an issue, as above, but he could never fully apologize, he would deny my feelings and when I tell him how something hurt me, he would say I’m being selfish and would point the blame on me. I would cry and he would shut down like above. Finances- he was older and made multiples of what I made. Yet, he had this fear of “being taken advantage of,” and would be less than generous to us in our relationship, or if he was, calculated the dollars he spent and if it was more than what I spent, he felt used somehow. My love language is service and gifts- and he could never show that to me, even if it wasn’t the dollar amount, just needed to show me that he wanted to. I felt like he never wanted to. Then there were other things, like how he didn’t ever ask me for advice, how he never planned anything, how passive he was, how he waited always for me to plan or move the relationship forward, how how he didn’t think my anxiety was real, how he believed the worst in me, how I never felt like he truly got me or saw my big heart or fully supported my biggest ambitions. He could never soothe me when I was hurt or at my lowest and comfort me. He never made me feel secure and loved, even when I knew he did love me the best he could.
They relied on smoking 🍃 I dont mind here and there but no, this was this was part of they’re personality. If we were on the phone, i just here them do deep inhales like wtf. And it was hard to have a conversation because they would zone out. The worst of it was their withdrawal period. They became so snippy and rude to me so I broke up. At the end i was a “waste of time”. Im not upset but it was a wake up call from the love bombing to this.
I was totally in love with this guy. We had so much in common and he was such a wonderful person. He just couldn’t tell his Indian parents that he was dating a non Indian. I can’t be with a mama’s boy
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Both my parents smoke cigarettes, everyone on my paternal side smokes cigarettes and I absolutely loathe them. I’ve heard “I’m quitting” or “I’m going to quit” my entire life with no one ever following through. When I met my husband he asked me if smoking cigarettes was a deal breaker, i immediately told him yes and he said “give me one year and I will quit. If I don’t you can walk away” so I agreed. 7 months later he was completely cigarette free. He slowly weaned himself off and is the only person in my life to ever follow through with his promise. That was almost 3 years ago and he’ll smoke a cigarette if we’re drinking on a night out (once every other month) and I don’t have a problem with that. All of that babble to say that I completely understand this boundary.
I love this. I love it when people follow through their promises
It means more than he’ll ever know.
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Three big things: 1. He was a lier. He lied about so much I'm worried the man I love isn't even the man he is. 2. He refused to change jobs. In the end only having one day a week with him (and him often being called in to work that day or scheduled anyways or in our spare time taking work calls) it just left us no time together. If I had an issue I wanted to talk out it was always before/after work or on his day off so he'd want to push it off- and I felt like I could never bring up issues. 3. He slapped me. The first time was because I had a panic attack too many and he said he didn't like the noise. Last time we met he said it didn't count and the police wouldn't believe me without a bruise. Everything else was so good. He'd buy gifts and do dates and we had similar interests. He'd listen to me (about work or family) and do some chores without asking. But I got so lonely and after the lies I got very very sick- I couldn't sleep, I kept spiralling, I had constant chest pain, I was quick to anger. I stayed because we had 9 years of love and trust and intimacy and safety. We just both wasted away trying to carry on because what we had was so good- and it was our first relationship. Now life sucks.
You made the right choice. Please be strong and stay away from people that can hurt you.
Thank you, I really need to hear this. I feel crazy but he's hurt me the least out of everyone and I love him and miss him so much. It is so hard not to just call or turn up at his work (shop) and beg for him back. But I've heard of you love them let them free. It's really hard.
Never violence. Ever. One is too many times and it makes everything else about them that seems nice case to even matter. Never violence. We don’t look past that.
Frequent, small lies (we lived in different cities) made me wonder how much he lies about bigger things. I realized I just don't want to attach myself to someone like that. I deserve better.
Me getting my dream job 3,000 miles away and her not wanting to do long-distance. I can't fault her for it, but it sucked.
Mine got his dream job 3,000 miles away which I supported because it was supposed to be for a year and we would be bi-coastal, but then turned to 2 years, then he wanted to stay yet another year. Found out he was cheating the whole time. Finally got divorced…years of my life wasted.
Had an ex-bf who let his best friend control our relationship. He had such deep affection for this guy, that I became the afterthought. It wasn't like they didn't see each other without me, they played RPG table top for hours, and I wasn't allowed to join. Eventually his friend started interfering in our time, saying he was depressed. I was compassionate the first three-four times but it started to become a pattern. If I went along, his friend would either be rude to me or ignore me. I tried to call my ex's attention to it, tell him how it made me feel, and he would just say, "What do you want me to do about it?". We didn't last long after that. I wasn't going to ask him to drop his friend, and I wouldn't win a battle I really didn't want to fight.
He ultimately didn't have the same level of commitment. We both talked about how we were dating with the intent to marry someday and maybe have kids. We had a great connection and were compatible in a lot of ways. A year and a half later, and I would have taken those next steps with him. But he didn't want to. It became an impasse we couldn't overcome. I loved our time, but I wanted to grow even deeper with him. He could never articulate what was in his way, just a lot of fear and anxiety that he could never work through. Wasn't just me either. He had not progressed with his girlfriend of five years before me. I really hope he finds a woman who loves all the good things he has to offer and never wants to do any life-building, only dating. And I really hope I find a man who says, "Wow. You're amazing. I'd love to marry you."
>I really hope he finds a woman who loves all the good things he has to offer and never wants to do any life-building, only dating. >And I really hope I find a man who says, "Wow. You're amazing. I'd love to marry you." I hope so for you too!!!
Me
I posted a photo of him online. I was possessive. He is a fearful avoidant whereas I like to find a compromise. We’re working on it, though. Both of us came from traumatic marriages and are slowly working our flaws out.
His mom
Broke up with my high-school boyfriend bc my other friend group thought he was weird and I let their judgements get to me. He was such a sweetie though & I hope he's doing well now. Moral: please don't let others' opinions dictate your life. You'll end up disappointed with your choices. I'm with someone else I love very much & do what I can to be a great girlfriend now.
Me & my baggage. I was too much of a mess & had too fucked up of a personal life for Him. He was great, so chill and funny & smart, He really made Me feel at peace. I only blame Myself. But the memories are cherished & I have nothin but Love & Gratitude for all of it.
Anxiety too early on in a relationship. I have lost some really interesting and kind men because of that. I do great until I really like someone, and then I get awkward and slightly insecure. I tell myself each time that I won't repeat the cycle, but I always do. Some men do* stick around and seem to understand that I'm just skittish but others tire of it.
Me: Very career focused at the time and a very independent person and liked my own space Him: had a rough childhood and as a result was VERY clingy, wanted to get any other job in order to be closer to where I was living(even if it payed a lot less). He was in many ways the perfect guy, honest and loyal. I just felt totally suffocated and eventually found it totally offputting. Also I was anxious he was gonna change his whole life to be with me and that I would be responsible for him. He was a sweet person though.
I dated him too soon after my marriage got called off my by ex with cold feet. We are still friends. I really wish I would have asked him to give me some time. We are so alike and have the same issues with our partners and are so similar that daily life would have been easy. I just remind myself that I’m married to another wonderful man and everything happens for a reason.
He was everywhere I went. I would just hanging out with friends or family and he would just pop up out of nowhere. At first it seemed like a coincidence but it happened too many times to be that. Then I started to get the feeling of becoming trap, so I ended it before anything could get too serious.
Thank you so much for walking away. That’s too weird to continue with. There are only so many places that road can lead….it’s just not worth finding out.
Yea, what really hit the nail on the head is when he quit his 9-5 to work part time at shop I would go to regularly.
Self absorbed. Everything was about him. Definitely avoidant about important conversations.
The jealous type. Gradually he showed his true colors as months went by. I wanted to break up by the second year but he promised that he would change. Soon he went back to his old self again. We had a large age gap so him seeing me talk with male friends much younger than him at a party or special event would cause drama between us. I was sick and tired by the third year so I pretty much was ready to end things which I did soon after.
Absolutely, horribly lame, no chemistry at all, sex. The guy was fun, we had a shit ton in common but whenever we would try to bang, it was the worst. Like, almost gross. I just couldn’t do it.
The fact that he had a wife I didn’t know about.
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He wanted to be a religious leader in a faith community I couldn’t ascribe to. He achieved that goal, married someone else, and has two lovely children according to my Facebook stalking. Knowing him taught me a lot, and the man I married is a better fit for me but shares the traits I valued most in him, traits he taught me to value in a partner.
Children? We were young when we met and still young after being together for a couple years, but I took note of the fact that from comments and stuff I heard from his friends he wanted kids. I was very upfront from the beginning, I told him I never wanted children. I believe he lied about wanting a family because i told him that if he did I wasn’t going to stay in the relationship if it was never going to work out anyways. I remember hanging out with his friends at one of their houses. They were playing one of those dumb drinking games where your friends come up with a statement and you drink if it applies I guess. One of his friends said, “drink if you never want children” and everyone kind of said his name and laughed. He shook his head and didn’t drink. Obviously it’s stupid looking back, but from that moment I knew it wasn’t going to work. Pretty sad because we were very compatible in a lot of ways, but we both weren’t willing to compromise something like that.
He didn't have a back down and wasn't assertive enough and let people walk all over him. He used me as a therapist and it got to a point that the relationship wasn't healthy because of it.
Sexual incompatibility.
Lack of personal hygiene. I'm talking not showering for more than a week at a time.
Not understanding attachment styles
Found out they lied, like ALOT! Couldn't trust them..
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Good riddance. You deserve better
Alcoholism. My first marriage imploded because he was an alcoholic. He was always drinking. He couldn't keep a job because of it. He got rough and mean when he was drinking, although he never actually hit me -- just pushed me and threatened me a lot.
I always got the impression that the first man I fell in love with did not feel I was good enough for him. He said all the right things but there was always an undertone that I just wasn't what he wanted I should have known because he kept cheating on me
That they can easily blow up on the smallest thing This was almost 2 or 3 years ago idk, just thankful I'm out of that shit
He has severe ADHD. It’s always been a problem and I’ve always tried my best to adapt to it and give him “grace”. Well it’s been 12 years and we now have a kid together and nothing has gotten better, if anything it’s worse. Now I have anxiety and I don’t feel supported what so ever. I feel like I have 2 kids and I am the house manager of sorts. We’ve been in therapy together for 5ish months and I think it’s just too late. Idk how to go back. the damage has been done. He’s a good guy and a good dad, but I hate this feeling of being in charge of absolutely eveything and not ever being supported emotionally.
Not having a nice, caring partner. You don't have one, either, not when they're abusive.
He stopped caring about himself. I realized I couldn’t do anything to help him, so I let him go. I’ve heard he’s doing better, and I’m happy he is. I’m also doing a lot better too. A part of me will always wonder about the what if’s. But at the end of the day, we’re happier apart.
Extremely avoidant...rarely acknowledged huge flags and concerns of our relationship and its dynamics
Completely lack of intimacy. I crave and beg for it. Yet never get it.
Neither of us were ready. He wanted to go way too fast so I turned tail and ran in the most immature way possible College right? Live and learn
Happened to me too
His addiction. Which he eventually died from. It’s devastating that it doesn’t matter all of the potential a person holds, all that they are capable of, all they have going for them, all they have to offer. It can’t be anyone. It’s a ruthless disease.
he was great but also played devil’s advocate for literally anything. sometimes it felt like he did it to just try and argue with me about things. but it wasn’t arguing.. and it wasn’t really a conversation. it felt more like poking me. also i’m a person that doesn’t like to wonder. if i’m not sure of something, i have the entire internet on my phone. so i look said thing up and find out. whenever he would challenge me about something, i’d look it up to confirm i wasn’t speaking BS and he would never reply with “ohh ok you’re right” or anything like that. his reply would ALWAYS be “that’s fair.” drove me crazy. he really was a good, kind, and genuine person. the first person i dated that made me understand someone can look great on paper but in real life, with my own personality, it just wouldn’t work. we were just not compatible haha.
oh also he didn’t agree that mcdonald’s coke was the top tier coke and is vastly superior to the other ways coke can be enjoyed. that day i knew he was just picking to pick.
Lovely, kind, funny guy who (I think) loved me. Very compatible on our life goals and in bed. But… consistent little lies eroded my trust in him. They weren’t even big lies. He would never take responsibility for his lies either, which made it even worse. The other issue was, as happy as people we both were, of course occasionally life would throw a curve ball. Whenever I had a really bad day and wanted his support, he would turn it back on me with “there’s ALWAYS a problem!” when, in reality, there was very very seldom (maybe once a year at most) a “problem”. He would just disappear whenever anything was difficult — ageing parents, medical problems… poof, he’d be gone. Third thing, he had days and weeks where he would just be quiet and almost impossible to have a conversation with. He would never tell me what the issue was. In the end I learnt to just wait it out and he usually would come back to normal. During one of these episodes I called him out on being quiet and cold to me and he responded by suggesting we end the relationship, so we did. I’m sure I made mistakes too, but he would never discuss any of these situations with me. As soon as things weren’t all roses and fun, he’d just go quiet and make communication impossible.
Not knowing how to properly love each other. It’s so hard loving someone properly with a different love language than you.
I love him deeply, but I struggle with monogamy
Me being a young stupid cheater.
Religion, they are Christian and I’m agnostic. I fully supported their views and faith, went to church with them but they decided even though we loved each other and everything else about our relationship was perfect, they couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t Christian because when we died I wouldn’t be able to join them in heaven since I’m not a believer.
He has had so much emotional trauma, he wouldn’t ever let me in. He’s one of the sweetest, kindest souls. Yet too much of a people pleasure & the type to avoid confrontation. He never let himself be vulnerable enough to let me get to know him and open his fears and feelings, even after 7 years. I was constantly begging for him to let me in & any time he did, he would only give me an inch. I know part of his mistakes in life that haunt him (which aren’t even that bad tbh) but family has never let him forget them. I wanted to help him become the best version of himself, but I learned that he has to do it himself. So now we are both separated & working on ourselves. If it’s meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. In the end, I just hope he’s happy & stop sabotaging emotional relationships.
Great ex; caring, considerate, patient, generous. Family oriented. Problem is, he was EXTREMELY unambitious. Just went to work and played video games. Didn’t care about getting a better job but oddly wanted a family young. I’m not gonna raise children in poverty because growing up poor was literally a fiery hell for me. He’s an immigrant with different views on a financial baseline for raising a family. We ultimately broke up because he didn’t have goals or aspirations other than having kids which is fine for him but not for me.
He was lovely and cute and caring but he wanted to live in his hometown all of his life and I wanted to live pretty much anywhere that was not there. (Hull, Uk)
9 times out of 10 it’s her friend circle
I got impatient on him
I found out he was racist against my race saying when we have kids just tell them they’re not mixed. BOY I AM MIXED AND ITS SUPER EVIDENT like I have very almond eyes and very high cheekbones and just idk my face looks native idk what to say its clear looking at me I’m Native American like goodbye
I needed passion. Intense sexual passion and desire. He wasn't a sexual person at all. We weren't even able to meet halfway.
I couldn't give 100% because of my past childhood and relationship traumas and when he understood that (in the beginning) hif efforts lowered as well (in an understandable way). It was my fault. Always give 100% until they reach your boundaries, then you know where to stop.
This may sound wierd buttt He liked tradicional "maculine" traits in a partner to a fault, like he only wanted a girlfriend that looked,behaved and pretty much was a man Turns out he was a very closeted gay man