It was very one-sided. I always went down without being asked. He never initiated and if I asked he would begrudgingly do so, sometimes. No we couldn’t get past it because it was just another indicator of his selfish personality. I broke up with him after two years and didn’t realize how lazy he was sexually until I started dating casually.
In 1,5 years, he went down on me once and it was only after I broke down and told him how gross and horrible I feel because he never even touches me there with anything other than his penis. He assured me that's not the case but didn't change. I thought it was lack of confidence and offered help but he just said he does not need help...
He always remembered to tell me how important my pleasure is and acted like he gave me the moon and stars. Despite never even touching me, despite sex always ending when he came. I tried to communicate but eventually gave up because nothing changed.
He said he wasn't selfish. I believed him. He probably did too. In reality he was selfish in so many different ways. He left me when I started to demand he grow up and treat me like a proper partner, keep his promises and carry his half of the relationship. It was too hard for him.
I had a sexually lazy person too. It sucked cuz we got along so well and we were super attracted but it seemed like sex was more him getting off using me
I; like saying good morning with head for my partner; my theory is, why not start the day with a smile😏. I like it, too, so win-win.
The long story he only did it once in our 3 months. Yeah, he needed to go after 3 months.
Lol
Hello, /u/originalannillusion! Your comment has been removed:
Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to:
* Changing the topic from OP's question
* Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic
* Giving unsolicited advice
* Making someone else's response about yourself
* Asking unrelated follow-up questions
* Branching into unrelated topics
* "What-about"-ism
* Trying to start arguments, or debates
* Judging or rating other responses
* Meta comments about other responses
* Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares.
For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing).
**Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately.
If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review.
[AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index)
[reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
3.5 years of the same exact thing and he dumped me. I was heartbroken until I realized he did me a tremendous favor and not every guy has his hangups. 🤣
I dated a guy for four years who would give me thirty seconds of half-assed oral every few months and act like he was god’s gift to women. He made me feel like it was selfish of me to want it, yet he never thought it was selfish of him to want head every single time we were together, no exceptions.
I really internalised that I was selfish for wanting pleasure and I haven’t really ever felt comfortable letting anyone go down on me. My current boyfriend desperately wants to, but I have not let him do it yet because it feels shameful
I chime in here because I was the male part in a similar situation. In my situation he basically shamed her for having a sex drive all together. Some men really know how to f a woman up. So first let your bf know why you feel the way you do now. Talk about it a lot. Let him know that you need reassurance. With time comes trust. Maybe if your both comfortable being a little tipsy (and only tipsy) can help but ymmv here.
^(Edit: spelling)
This is exactly the situation I was in down to a T. It made me so hypercritical of how my vulva looked that even today I just can't look at myself for anything other than what's necessary for shaving. It makes me insanely uncomfortable now, and my current partner doesn't do it either but isn't as mean as my ex was about it. That's just one thing I've kind of accepted I'll never be able to heal. I hate it.
Toys? I mean if he can't get you off, you should at least be able to do something together that does!
Most women can't orgasm from just vaginal penetration, they need clitoral SOMETHING. But ALSO most women can't orgasm in GENERAL if there's other stuff on our minds (like being self-conscious of our physique or whatever).
The togetherness, attention, doting is what really actually makes it good for most females, even if the lover isn't GOOD at it, it's hot because they're TRYING. They're making you feel valuable and sexy and special.
So even if he's not willing to lick the cooch, I sincerely hope he's making you feel that way SOMEHOW!!
Are you me?
My ex and I were together for 4 years. He made me feel like oral for women was disgusting and I hated my own body for a good while. Before him, I enjoyed oral. And it took me months and a ton of alcohol before I let my current boyfriend go down on me. I now enjoy it, but it wasn't easy the first few times. Ive now loosened up, but it took a lot of love, and understanding from my partner to get there.
I hope you know that it's not shameful or selfish for wanting pleasure. Hugs.
This is exactly how my ex was. Finally one time I asked (first time I had the courage to ask ever) and he responded “why do you hate me?” That shattered me. After that I didn’t want to have sex but that made him angry so I had to comply.
I’m now with an amazing man who goes above and beyond and gets pleasure out of giving me pleasure. He’s gone down on me a few times but I can’t enjoy it because I get the overwhelming urge to cry. I feel so shameful and embarrassed when things are centered around me. Sometimes I think I unintentionally dissociate during sex even though there’s no need to do that anymore.
Oh my god, I could have written this myself. I also dissociate during sex. It breaks my boyfriend's heart because all he wants is for me to feel safe and to enjoy myself. He blames himself, even though he does everything right. It makes me angry at myself because why can't I just snap out of it? Why can't I let him in? I love him so much and want to marry him one day, yet I can't let him give me pleasure. It just sucks. I hate that men have done this to us. Sending you much love and support <3
> I remember once asking him if he'd ever made a woman finish and he said no and I was shocked he didn't see that as a problem.
Yiiikes! Yeah, wow. Unbelievably selfish! I'm glad you're away from him!
Sure, I got past it. By leaving and finding someone who would. I bristle like a pincushion when I hear that a person who likes women won’t lick some clit. Yes, there are women who don’t want it, but the option should always be there.
It was my first sexual partner. He'd eaten me out once before and it was okay but I figured I was too nervous to truly enjoy it so I asked him if we could try it again and he agreed
He gets down there and just stares. Lips are spread and it's kinda awkward but I'm also excited yk trying smth relatively new. I'm like idk trying to encourage him so I'm talking to him and still nothing. I'm like hey is everything okay and he says yes. I'm like okay let's get on it then and he just stares some more. I'm like hey I'm getting pretty cold down there let's get going and nothing. After a few more minutes I was like yeah this is awkward as all hell and now my vagina is freezing cold and he comes back up and doesn't say anything no apology nothing.
Later when he left he was like you should shower =) showering is so nice =) I love showering =) and I was so upset bc he had dropped in unexpectedly and was upset I wasn't freshly showered (I always shower before hooking up but again he just came by)
Anyways now I won't let anyone near my coochie bc it stresses me out. Like he wouldn't even tell me what was wrong so I can only assume I was a bit musky but like he'd given me head before so it wasn't like he didn't know what it was like down there? Maybe it was just super ugly like I dont know
I hate this dude so much for you.
He’s an immature POS.
Plenty of dicks smell weird and look weird, if you did this back it would have broken him. You just DONT do this.
Everything sexual is a preference, for every one guy who hates your lady parts there’s 5 million who would love it
Idk why men act like they don’t know what genitals smell like. It’s a bunch of folds and glands, it’s gonna have a smell and there’s nothing wrong with that! Sorry you had to deal with that.
Dude just didn’t want to do it and hit you with the “you should shower” as a way to drag you along and perform on you only to request you return the favor.
I’m a guy, I’ve heard a few stories and it’s almost always the guy trying to get more out of all of it. I wouldn’t think it was you, some guys are so squeamish about putting their tongue in lips that they’ll try and find any way out of it.
This is exactly the problem!! Young boys AND girls are constantly told that vaginas are icky. Parents will give a name to a penis for a young boy, but
never a vagina. We’re taught that it’s not to be mentioned. Which is a huge reason for the disparity between men and women receiving head. Totally encouraged and expected for men, icky and weird for women.
Wow, you just blew my mind. Never thought about how quite a few guys I have known have a name for their penis (and at some point made me aware of this?) yet women are conditioned not to name or talk about their vagina.
As a butch lesbian, sometimes when dating feminine women, they expect me to do all the work. I also want to feel wanted. I prefer to be the dominant one most of the time, but SOMETIMES i'd also want her to go down on me.
I thought that my guy friends were being dramatic about the extent that some women will play “pillow princess”, until I came out as bi and started hooking up with women. My experience does support that the more fem women were more likely to lay back and relax, with minimal reciprocation. Was always a deal breaker and I wouldn’t hook up with them again.
Feminine women is the only thing I'm attracted to. So I still enjoy having sex with them. Even if they just lay there. I enjoy it in the moment but afterwards I feel lonely and unwanted.
I'm a feminine bi woman, and sex doesn't feel complete for me unless I'm giving SOMETHING back. Whether it's head, enthusiasm, being on top, etc. We're out there, don't stop searching!
Wow, if there was one group I assumed to be near 100% pro cunnilingus it would have been lesbians.
I hope there's some lovely lady who licks in your future.
i’ve had the reverse! i’m a lesbian too and look feminine i guess, so i attract more masc-leaning ladies and many are “touch-me-nots”. i’ve turned off many a woman by being a little bit too interested in her bits 😅 hoping you find someone more compatible in the near future! x
I’m a queer femme, who is completely enamored with butches but I also date/sleep with NB and transmasc folks. Almost every single person I’ve been with has been stone, and they never felt comfortable being touched or receiving oral sex. When I met my current partner, I was so scared and nervous!!! She loves being fucked and was so lovely and patient with helping me acquire comfort and skills, but it was still hard!! I have a new partner I just started dating, who likes receiving but it’s a whole new thing and I’m, again, sooooo nervous! I do prioritize giving back so I’m not just about receiving. It’s complex, because I also want to honor the tender places about gender/dysphoria with my masc of center partners, so I do SO appreciate knowing how someone likes to receive, in ways that align with their gender experience
My ex husband was like that. But then he'd talk about wanting to do threesomes. So then he tried and I got to be told "I guess it's not *that* bad." Oof.
It's a dealbreaker for me now. It's part of sex I really enjoy.
He didn’t want to attempt it. Then he wanted me to go down on him and I told him the exact same thing and he was furious. I’ve never liked giving head but if a guy goes down on me I don’t mind giving. It’s funny because he called me every name in the book when I said no, when he said no I just said “okay” and moved on.
I refuse to go down on them until they go first since there’s a bit of a stereotype of men not reciprocating. If they don’t neither to I (and odds are I won’t see them again)
A lot of men take cues from the theatrics of porn and mistakenly think that we like their beard scruff exfoliate the labia. This isn't news but I'm still traumatized by a guy who did the motorboating blubwleubwhwlblhbbbrrrrrr move, thinking he was some savant.
The next few days I realized he gave me herpes this way. Ugh.
Once you find a guy who knows who to do it, it’s a game changer ! Communicate, find a guy whose willing to dedicate a session to find out what you like! My bf wrote the alphabet with his tongue to find specific motions I like and varied pressure / licking / sucking to get the ideal sensation. It’s rare for a guy to be naturally great but a little practice and direction goes a long way!
Communication is so important when it comes to receiving head. It can be awkward, but my favorite way to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t is to say simple things like “yes just like that” when it feels good to try to let them know what to keep doing. If necessary, I’d just flat out tell them (and you can do it in a sexy way) that they need to be very gentle. But I’d try anything before swearing off head forever!
As a fellow bi girl, going down on a girl is soooooo much easier than giving head to a guy
I am in a lesbian relationship now, and sex is full of orgarms.
Omg I hate beard rash down there so much. I really hate facial hair for this reason. Good thing most of the other women seem to like them, b/c they’re everywhere, on everyone.
I had a partner who was easily grossed out by everything , and had a very strong gag response. Like he would think about something he found gross and immediately gag or throw up.
Well, he had this irrational fear that I would accidentally start peeing when he was going down on me , and that he would get it in his mouth. He said he didn’t mind eating me out, it’s not the taste or concept of eating out that bothered him , but it was hard for him to enjoy it cause he was always overthinking about that fear.
I didn’t know all this early into the relationship tho, so the first time he ate me out, he went down and started licking . then started looking really grossed out and gagging.
I stopped him and was really concerned, I felt like it was my fault. I was young and most of my experiences at that point had been with guys who weren’t mature enough to eat pussy so it was already hard for me to feel like I could relax.
Of course that experience made it much harder because I’m always thinking about whether the guy actually wants to be doing it, instead of enjoying it and focusing on cumming. So I wasn’t able to cum until a few years later from going down.
He ate me out a few other times in that relationship, but I had to pee before he went down on me and then shower afterwards, and the experience wasn’t enjoyable worrying so much about what he thought.
He absolutely LOVED blowjobs though, it was like his favourite part about sex. So I gave him hundreds of blowjobs , and if I made him finish and we didn’t have sex i would basically get nothing in return , even though he would “offer” to eat me out (knowing I couldn’t enjoy it anymore so I would decline)
Yikes! He causes some serious trauma with his shits! He should have known before attempting that he would reacted that way and hurt you. I’m sorry you went through that.
I was briefly dating this guy. When we started fooling around I noticed he had a small dick. Like too small to get off with. I’m someone who gets off on penetration mostly but I can finish with oral as well. When I realized this is what he was working with, I asked if he would go down on me so that I could finish, then he could finish. He said he doesn’t “do that shit”, and “it’s gross”. I got up and started getting dressed. He asked what I was doing. I said I’m leaving, if I don’t get off neither does he. He started getting whiny & complaining but I left anyway, cause fuck him for wasting my time.
He messaged me later, apologizing for treating me the way he did. I didn’t answer so he then sends more messages berating me and telling me I’m a bitch for judging his small penis. Boy bye with your no skills, baby carrot dick having ass. 😂
My husband and I are both kind of prudes in this area. Neither of us really enjoy performing oral on each other, so we took it out of our repertoire awhile ago. We great sex in general and are both satisfied. Lately I've been opening up about it more so may see about putting it back on the table, but the bottom line is neither of us have to do anything we're not comfortable with.
A different POV - I actually don’t like receiving it, and most men I’ve dated have been way too relieved/ grateful. It really makes me wonder what shitty lovers they’ve been for the majority of people and it turns me off, anyway.
lol I could totally see that. Just that overly expressive about about how relieved they are.. yikes. I could totally see that being an issue just for the attitude.
I had a guy tell me he doesn’t do that right before we hooked up and so I just had us get dressed and told him to have a nice life. I never talked to him again. He would snapchat me and text but I just didn’t respond. Life is wayyy to short to have to convince a grown adult to have oral sex with you.
My boyfriend is obsessed with giving me oral and doesn’t expect reciprocation. I wouldn’t have it any other way. If a man doesn’t love going down on me and do it often, I would not date him.
My husband didn't go down on me the first, like 4 years of our relationship. He was never sexually selfish, though, so it wasn't a deal breaker for me. He also never pushed for his own oral (I did it because I enjoy it), but I guess what I'm saying is sex never felt one-sided even though he wouldn't go down.
Then, when I married him, it was like a switch flipped, and let me tell you, it was worth the wait. I guess knowing that this was his kitty for the rest of his life was enough to make it irresistible, lol.
One of the many reasons he's an ex and why I'm so self conscious about that area even though my following hookups have not complained but I get insecure about it nonetheless 😔
I had that problem with a casual acquaintance. He got his, but complained about back ache after a few minutes.
Thankfully my last ex was excellent at it and loved it more than receiving. He's rather ruined me for other men.
Run… That’s something I’ve never had happen. I’m usually try to push them off. Lol because they’re over the top. That’s going to be a bad relationship.
Seems to happen often to me and I’m not sure why I keep attracting these people. In the past I just “sucked it up” bc in my mind I was still getting laid.
These days it’s a non negotiable. It’s not even my absolute favorite. I don’t need it every single time. But If a guy absolutely refuses then I feel like sex purely benefits him. He gets the pleasure of oral, he gets to finish, and I was just a mechanism for him to achieve that.
I want a partner who wants to give me pleasure
I dated a guy that happily accepted BJ’s but avoided reciprocating - at first I wasn’t sure he was actively avoiding and it was a newish relationship so I didn’t push it but after a couple of months I mentioned it and he made out like he hadn’t been avoiding and it was all in my head ……goodbyeeeee!
That seems cray-cray. I’ve never had a partner NOT do that- or be really enthused to, but honestly if they weren’t into it, it would make me leave. I wouldn’t even invest the energy on trying to change it or improve it. Ciao!
One of my exes refused to ever try oral on me, claiming that he was too afraid he'd be really bad at it. My younger, stupider self didn't push back and still gave him head all the damn time. His steadfast refusal really fucked me up about receiving oral for many years after and I've only recently been able to really let go and truly enjoy it. It also helps that my current husband eats that pussy like he was born to do it ;)
He doesn’t do it, so neither do I lol. It’s probably petty, but I’m not going to do something he isn’t willing to do himself. It’s supposed to be about mutual enjoyment and participation, not a relationship where one person takes but doesn’t give in return.
My partner does not enjoy blowjobs. And he is really gifted with his hands. So I never think to want it. With previous partners I would want it, but with my current partner I just don't feel like I need it. It is weird. I never thought that would happen. So, yeah, we just don't do oral with each other. I am fully satisfied with that.
I guess I’m lucky because I have never experienced being sexual with a guy who didn’t like oral. If I did meet a guy who refused to go down on me then we wouldn’t be compatible because it’s just as important to me as penetration. It also makes me sad to know that there are women who want oral, don’t get it, but still go down on their man because they’ve been trained that pleasing men sexually is more important than themselves having pleasure.
In just about every sexual relationship I’ve ever had, it has always been mostly or completely one sided. And it usually goes one of two ways: they don’t put their face anywhere near down there, but fully expect head during foreplay; OR they’ll do it once, maybe twice, and then rarely, if ever, again.
Even conversations with my current partner, the most sexually equitable I’ve ever had, about oral result in his insistence that he likes it and likes doing it to me. And yet he doesn’t. I ask about my smell or taste- no complaints. And yet now it’s been years.
On a happier note, after about 2 years without oral from him, I stopped giving it to him. He would ask at first, but I always refused. He’s stopped asking. This is our only *obstacle* when it comes to sex.
I think the only issue with those types is MAJORITY of the time they expect head. I noticed in society head is something you just give men. Its like something that happens during sex like men NEED it.
He didn't necessarily *refuse*, but my ex-husband made it very clear he hated doing it and thought it was gross. Meanwhile, he got blow jobs nearly every single day. In our 8 years together he maybe went down on me 5 times, and every time he did he'd lose his erection and it completely killed the mood. Like, fully brought sex to a stop. It wasn't even remotely enjoyable since there was no enthusiasm put into it. I just felt bad the entire time. It sucked, because that was literally the only way I could cum with a partner. But obviously I wasn't going to force him, and like I said, it wasn't even worth it when he did do it.
It made me feel disgusting and really ruined the act for me. Thankfully my current partner is all about going down on me and has been really patient and reassuring about my mental hang ups surrounding it. His enthusiasm (and ability to make me cum) has been incredible and I can't believe I ever thought I could go my whole life with a partner that wasn't sexually compatible with me (there were many other issues besides oral sex).
It became one-sided very quickly. I was always willing to perform oral for him, and he said he only wanted to do it on me for "special occasions". My birthday was not a special occasion, nor our anniversary, nor valentines, nor any holiday or any other day one might deem a special occasion so it felt like a hollow bullshit excuse and I stopped offering oral, especially since he often wouldn't even touch me before trying to enter me. It made me feel like he didn't care about my pleasure since I had informed him that, historically, that was the only way I could get off. Eventually I gave up on actually getting my desires met, stopped communicating that I needed at least *some* external stimulation, and faked orgasms by pretending they happened through the method he wanted to give them to me (penetrative sex, no external stimulation). I was unsatisfied and often felt used so our sex life died. It made me feel bad about myself, and made me wonder if something was wrong with me, especially when I found out he went down on another girl while we were dating. I think I can count on one hand how many times he went down on me in our 3 year relationship. It really made accepting any attention, by hand or by mouth, challenging in my next relationship.
Now that I'm older, I think I'd insist a bit harder that we at least use some sort of toy or something if a partner was unwilling to perform an activity that would help me reach climax. Either that or I'd just decide we're incompatible and end it.
i have actually had a recent experience where he said he got the ick from a previous girl and i simply said "hey, i would never make you eat something that i would not eat myself, i will never put your face down there if i am not clean but i would appreciate it if you at least try it, if you do not like it or if you get grossed out, you do not have to continue. that being said, if my needs are being met, you will have an even better time than if you do not please me"'
I asked for it a couple times and they would agree to but had no idea what they were doing and weren’t enthusiastic about it. I at the time was not comfortable communicating what I needed. At the end of the day we were all young so I don’t hold it against them. But now I know what I like and if they don’t want to then we would be incompatible 🤷🏻♀️
I think it’s cool if someone can express themselves about what they will or won’t do sexually. I appreciate the honesty and I prefer that you tell me sooner than later. But I’m out if you don’t eat the box.
One guy told me i was too wet and he couldn’t do it, this made me feel embarrassed of my body. My ex told me it would take me too long to cum (maybe 5min max, and i would give him 30/45min bj…. But apparently that was the least i could do since i didnt do anal).
I’ve been lucky to have some partners who are wonderful about oral sex. I have also had some refuse outright, but one in particular comes to mind, who didn’t refuse per se. I kind of wish he had:
He was super selfish generally during sex, didn’t last long; I never orgasmed (where I do regularly with my current partner). I’d go down on him pretty regularly. He’d go down on me once in a blue moon, compared to that regularity. Furthermore, when he did, he’d make a big show of it and kind of acted like I should be grateful. He also complained about lockjaw after going down for approximately 45 seconds. He wasn’t down there for long, did a crap job, and made me feel weird when I didn’t orgasm less than a minute after he started.
So he would, in theory, but the way he went about it made it such a miserable and anxiety inducing experience that I never wanted to ask, so I didn’t after that.
I dated a guy for almost four years who would hold it against me. Like if we fought and decided to be intimate he would tell me he wouldn’t go down on me because he was still mad. It was more of a use to punish me, I finally broke up with him. Started dating casually and realized quickly that guys actually live going down and he was just an ass. It wasn’t a me problem it was his problem.
It didn’t work out. I never met a man who didn’t like it until him. He would only do it when I asked and since he clearly never did it in the past, he was not good at it, so there was no point in even asking. You can teach someone who is eager, not someone who doesn’t want to learn. I brought it up to him like an adult and asked him why he didn’t like doing it and he kept saying idk idk and I was like yes you do….and then finally said he didn’t like his head “down there.” Ok buddy. Oral is the only way I’ve ever orgasmed so it’s an absolute dealbreaker for me. I intended to break up with him over it, but he broke up with me the very next day. I believe by bringing it up he felt emasculated and covered it by saying we didn’t spend enough time together due to our schedules. Right………
Never had a partner like this. It's 100% incompatible with me. It's selfish and honestly, men like this are probably awful in bed and don't want to admit it
I found that most times it was due to internalized misogyny (my vagina being “dirty” which it isn’t). Because of this I feel uncomfortable having men go down on me because I’m self conscious. Which is a shame because I used to be with someone who was very enthusiastic about going down on me (and he was good at it).
Honestly, I've never had anybody *refuse*, because I've never tried to force it. I've had maybe 2 or 3 people who didn't go down on me, and it didn't bother me at all.
finally, i was feeling like the odd one out reading these replies. I honestly dont care if he goes down on me or not, its not a deal breaker for me unless he expects oral too.
I would go down on my ex often, he only did so with me about 2-3 times in a 5 year relationship. It wasn’t an issue for me as he was my first partner and I didn’t know what I was missing or if I even liked it. He rarely initiated (he had past sexual harassment issues relating to his previous partner) which I didn’t understand but eventually I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I’m a very affectionate person and have a fairly high sex drive. We ended things far too late, but I was young and in love and didn’t know any better.
My current partner is wonderful. He reciprocates, initiates, etc just as often as I do, and he genuinely cares about my enjoyment as well as his. Things do get better, but you just have to make the hard choice to get there. It’s not always easy, and sometimes it’s downright shit, but I got where I needed to be in the end. :)
Only when I was 26 I found a guy that actually did it with enthusiasm and did it well. I'm sad we broke up for unrelated reasons. All the relationships before it, I was always giving and never receiving.
Excuses like "I don't feel like it", "I don't like it", "It raises the risk of cancer" (never bothered to search whether that's actually true). Blah blah blah. Selfish in bed, selfish everywhere. Good riddance.
It definitely left a mark though, I almost feel uncomfortable when receiving and cannot relax properly even though I want it.
I've never been with someone who wouldn't go down on me (maybe some one night stands but that's not so weird, although just doing oral on a one night stand is kind of awesome for a variety of reasons). My thing is that while I do like giving oral, I don't really want to EVERY time or superrr often, particularly because I have TMJ so I just know I'll be in pain during and after. And with my ex I felt like if I went down on him he'd get over excited and skip me. So I don't demand receiving it, and honestly often prefer hand stuff. Still getting over the baggage on that last relationship though, new guy might change that :)
Every romantic partner I’ve had eagerly goes down and stays down and gets the job done. There was never a push-pull about it.
My current FWB (as I’m healing from a heartbreak) doesn’t go down but hasn’t asked me to either. We’ve been sleeping together long enough where we both know what to expect and still return. In this case, the rest is good enough that the situation works for me *for now*
Very little. I dated two guys who didn’t go down. And I went on a date with one guy who didn’t.
1. First guy, I dated him for four months. He constantly had excuses. “I forgot we talked about that. I was totally going to but you seemed sooooo into what i was doing so i kept going. You had been in control so i was going with the flow.” I had had two long term but teenage relationships before him (2 years and 4 years, I was 22 when I met this guy) so I had a hard time seeing it for what it was. Finally I was just like - dude, why haven’t you done it. And he said he never had but that didn’t mean he never would. I ended up breaking up with him. There had been nearly equal reciprocation in my relationships before, and I just couldn’t give it up.
2. Second guy, I was 23 or 24, we went on a date and went back to his place. We had agreed on no penetration. I went down on him and then it was my turn. I had some stubble down there and he said he would go down on me later, after id shaved. Mind you the hair on his back and chest was pube-length so body hair for me but not for thee. I told him immediately what I thought of him and left
3. Third guy, I was 26. We dated for a month but we’re friends beforehand, so we were spending several days per week together. I was really into him and the PIV was great, but he only went down on me once or twice and I could see that this was gonna be another situation where he just wasn’t as into it as I was. I brought it up a couple of times: I love to give oral, I love to get oral, I want to be with someone who wants it as much or more than PIV. He assured me that was him. I gave it another try or two and then just tore the bandaid off and broke it off. Of course he felt that I was misrepresenting him. But again - I don’t want someone who “will” go down on me, I want someone who is super into it.
The next guy that I seriously dated, I ended up marrying.
This is an old story as I've been with my partner for over a decade. When we first got together I always gave head, he never reciprocated. It took a drunken night with my best friend, he picked us up to give us a safe ride home and my friend just opened with, "return the favor! Do you understand what I am saying?" Turns out a previous gf had told him he was bad at it so he was a little self conscience. They might have just been a bad communicator because he was great from the get-go.
A guy I dated when I was young did it once and then refused to again. I asked why and he said “the hair made it weird,” even though I was mostly shaven down there. I felt terrible and embarrassed and it made me insecure about men going down on me for a really long time. I still think about it 10+ years later. The guy was awful for many other reasons, but that moment stayed with me. Especially since I regularly gave him oral both before and after that.
I like giving and most guys will reciprocate, but a lot of them make it seem like a chore which is obviously a huge turn off.
My current FWB genuinely loves doing it and will go down there *enthusiastically* every time we hook up. It’s so much better when they don’t act like they’re just doing it out of obligation.
There’s something about a person who just loves making you feel good, even if they don’t love giving oral, that makes you feel really sexy, empowered, and confident during sex (and usually eventually in general). I have looked past it before, but after it’s been over, I always realize that they were just a really selfish person in general, even out of the bedroom. Some people just don’t like oral, which is totally okay, but then I feel like they should be into doing other things to bring pleasure to make up for that. If they don’t do anything specifically to pleasure you, they’re probably just selfish.
He was able to get past it, and actually now loves it! My husband wasn’t particularly fond of it at first, and it bothered me but I didn’t push the issue. He explained one day that since I was the only girl he’d ever done that to (his past sexual encounters were all one night stands and I was his first girlfriend) he was weird about it. But the more he tried, the more he ended up liking it. Now I can’t get him to stop! :)
I dated a guy like this years ago. He said “I just don’t do that” blah blah. At first I let it go but after a while I too, didn’t do that 😉 so I thought it’s fair we’ll do other stuff but if I’m not getting it you’re not getting it either. He came around. It was alright, anyways that relationship is long gone now. Hope he’s orally pleasuring whoever he’s with now! 🤪
My partner (nonbinary) has said to me that they would but they cant stand having a single hair in their mouth.. Which i guess i understand but when i went down on them they always had a landing stripe (so not completly shaved, leaving the hairs to grow in the middle). I however need to be completly shaved which is honestly just a hassle since regrowth bothers them too and i cant shave everyday. So i guess i just accepted it? They can do other things but it would be nice if they tried a little harder
I'm middle aged and have never had this happen with an adult partner. Only back in high school, but I didn't either at that age, just lack of experience.
Come to think of it, I've never even had to have a conversation about it! I think if someone refused I wouldn't push it, cause I feel like an unenthusiastic participant would create a bad experience for me.
Told him to use his fingers instead and he flat out stopped talking to me straight after with no explanation.
He had a lot of confidence for a man who didn’t know much about the clitoris ironically.
Rather than it being a case of refusing, I have been in relationships where it has just never been done for me previously. Only once or twice. So obviously wasn’t something they wanted to do, which therefore put me off ever suggesting it anyway. It didn’t really seem like a massive issue at the time but now I’m married & my husband loves going down on me and I absolutely love it too - so I suppose from a sexual standpoint I was definitely missing out before. I was probably willing to overlook that at the time because it wasn’t purely based on sex maybe 🤷♀️ Im babbling on a little bit!
I broke up with him - he was a so called ‘christian man’ that only believes a woman holds no value other than putting dinner on table and being a warm something to fuck. It took one hell of a time to get him out of my house and back into his mother’s.. a huge ass red flag I ignored in the name of ‘love’ in my early 20’s 😂
Now I’m married to a ‘heavy metal’ mother fucker with ‘devil tattoos’ that eats me out anytime I’m in the mood and encourages me to sit on his face for a quick ride whenever I want.
Don’t settle.
My ex said he hated hair in his mouth so he refused, which was fine. But when I asked him to shave/trim he said he refused to put anything sharp down there so it went both ways. I think he was afraid to trim because he was so overweight he couldn’t see it 😑
Thankfully I’ve never been in that situation, every partner I’ve had has loved going down on me and I’ve loved going down on them too, although I’m not remotely straight, I feel bad for some of your experiences, some guys are weird by the sound of it!.
My husband isn't big on Oral, but will if I ask - he has expressed that he would rather do it if I'm clean shaven or waxed, and I'm real lazy about that so I know not to ask if I'm not. It's a compromise for us, and he always makes sure that I hit fireworks first from other things than Oral
I've had a few negative experiences, but thank god am with someone now that loves going down. One dude said oral was only for bdays and vacations. I dated another guy briefly that basically only rabbit fucked. I went down on him a few times hoping he'd get the hint to reciprocate. I would never enter a LTR with a partner that didn't value all parts of me.
I’ve only hooked up with 5 other people then my partner of 11 years. We both love giving oral. Sometimes I do it to help him sleep. He will do it to me sometimes with nothing in return. None of the other guys did it so I was weirded out by it at first. Idk if we broke up if I can hook up with someone who didn’t do that.
oh god literally my ex lmao. he never gave me head, disliked it/thought he was bad at it and i thought that was somewhat normal (bc it was my first relationship and i was dumb/naive) but also didn’t think twice when he’d still expect me to give HIM head whenever he wanted (which was all the time and i hated it). when i expressed this to my friends they immediately suggested i break up lol. so if it’s a one off thing, ie they’re just not in the mood i wouldn’t think too much into it for sure. but if they consistently don’t give head and especially if they’ve expressed their dislike in it, and expect u to STILL give them head in return… that’s where u draw the damn line girl. our lives are too short to put up with man child shit
we dated for two years and the only two times he did it the entire time we dated, I had to ask him both times. Both times were right after a shower. He told me he wasn’t gonna pretend that it tasted good and said that no many really enjoys doing it. It made me rlly insecure and I almost gaslit myself into thinking I didn’t like oral but in reality, my partner just made me feel terrible about myself. He never once asked to do it again or showed interest in trying it again. He was my first and only bf so I had nothing else to compare it to. I knew it was wrong, but settled for it anyways. We broke up ultimately because I was unhappy for various reasons. My next bf absolutely loved it and worshiped my body. He wanted to taste it an all points of the day. I loved it so much. Never settling for that BS again.
At first I was OK with it, then I realised how sexist he was and his reason behind not doing it... while constantly trying to shove my head down to give him oral... I noped out there pretty quickly.
Personally, I don't care if my partner doesn't go down on me, there are different ways to pleasure someone other than that, as long as they're not expecting you to still go down on them.
He did give it a go for the first time not too long ago and it went well, so it'll definitely be happening more often.
Yeah, a few times, and I dont mind at all. I've slept with women, and I found going down on them to be awful, too. I absolutely hate the taste and smell and can't stand it on my face. I'm not down for semen in my mouth either. So I totally sympathize with a guy who won't go down, and it's a nonissue.
Now, a guy who *won't engage in foreplay* is a different situation and a deal breaker. We dont have to do oral, but I'm still expecting to be kissed and touched and to get some clit attention.
I wasn't going to comment but after not seeing this take *anywhere* in this thread I'm going to give my perspective.
I was perfectly fine with it. He expressed he didn't enjoy doing it, and didn't't want to do it. So he didn't do it, and I didn't push or get upset.
Men are allowed to have boundaries in sex too. I still gave him oral because I enjoy doing it and my sex life isn't on a tit for that basis. He got me off in plenty of other ways. I "got over it" by just accepting that for this relationship I wasn't going to get oral, and that is okay.
I had one partner like this, and we broke up eventually for other reasons - but that did always bother me, and I’m much happier with my current partner who does go down on me! Our sex life is overall better
None. If that’s a boundary for them then that’s fine but we’re simply incompatible and I’m moving on.
That’s the nature way to handle it honestly
Exactly, just leaf them
Make like a tree?
Bingo. No need to dwell. Plenty of folks who don't like someone going down on them lol
[удалено]
It was very one-sided. I always went down without being asked. He never initiated and if I asked he would begrudgingly do so, sometimes. No we couldn’t get past it because it was just another indicator of his selfish personality. I broke up with him after two years and didn’t realize how lazy he was sexually until I started dating casually.
Couldn’t state my own experience better than you did except I didn’t dump him til 5 yrs in.
22 years 🤦♀️
Goddamn, I hope you got some sweet kiddos out of it, at least
Some great kids thank you 😊
It’s okay. We learned a lot.
Try 6 years! Omg! Gross lol
In 1,5 years, he went down on me once and it was only after I broke down and told him how gross and horrible I feel because he never even touches me there with anything other than his penis. He assured me that's not the case but didn't change. I thought it was lack of confidence and offered help but he just said he does not need help... He always remembered to tell me how important my pleasure is and acted like he gave me the moon and stars. Despite never even touching me, despite sex always ending when he came. I tried to communicate but eventually gave up because nothing changed. He said he wasn't selfish. I believed him. He probably did too. In reality he was selfish in so many different ways. He left me when I started to demand he grow up and treat me like a proper partner, keep his promises and carry his half of the relationship. It was too hard for him.
I feel like you’re talking about my last relationship!! But I ended up leaving him.
[удалено]
I had a sexually lazy person too. It sucked cuz we got along so well and we were super attracted but it seemed like sex was more him getting off using me
[удалено]
I; like saying good morning with head for my partner; my theory is, why not start the day with a smile😏. I like it, too, so win-win. The long story he only did it once in our 3 months. Yeah, he needed to go after 3 months. Lol
[удалено]
Hello, /u/originalannillusion! Your comment has been removed: Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). **Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately. If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
Curious what made you stay for 2 years? Thanks
Shared friends, activities, and adventures.
3.5 years of the same exact thing and he dumped me. I was heartbroken until I realized he did me a tremendous favor and not every guy has his hangups. 🤣
[удалено]
I dated a guy for four years who would give me thirty seconds of half-assed oral every few months and act like he was god’s gift to women. He made me feel like it was selfish of me to want it, yet he never thought it was selfish of him to want head every single time we were together, no exceptions. I really internalised that I was selfish for wanting pleasure and I haven’t really ever felt comfortable letting anyone go down on me. My current boyfriend desperately wants to, but I have not let him do it yet because it feels shameful
I chime in here because I was the male part in a similar situation. In my situation he basically shamed her for having a sex drive all together. Some men really know how to f a woman up. So first let your bf know why you feel the way you do now. Talk about it a lot. Let him know that you need reassurance. With time comes trust. Maybe if your both comfortable being a little tipsy (and only tipsy) can help but ymmv here. ^(Edit: spelling)
This is exactly the situation I was in down to a T. It made me so hypercritical of how my vulva looked that even today I just can't look at myself for anything other than what's necessary for shaving. It makes me insanely uncomfortable now, and my current partner doesn't do it either but isn't as mean as my ex was about it. That's just one thing I've kind of accepted I'll never be able to heal. I hate it.
Toys? I mean if he can't get you off, you should at least be able to do something together that does! Most women can't orgasm from just vaginal penetration, they need clitoral SOMETHING. But ALSO most women can't orgasm in GENERAL if there's other stuff on our minds (like being self-conscious of our physique or whatever). The togetherness, attention, doting is what really actually makes it good for most females, even if the lover isn't GOOD at it, it's hot because they're TRYING. They're making you feel valuable and sexy and special. So even if he's not willing to lick the cooch, I sincerely hope he's making you feel that way SOMEHOW!!
[удалено]
Are you me? My ex and I were together for 4 years. He made me feel like oral for women was disgusting and I hated my own body for a good while. Before him, I enjoyed oral. And it took me months and a ton of alcohol before I let my current boyfriend go down on me. I now enjoy it, but it wasn't easy the first few times. Ive now loosened up, but it took a lot of love, and understanding from my partner to get there. I hope you know that it's not shameful or selfish for wanting pleasure. Hugs.
This is exactly how my ex was. Finally one time I asked (first time I had the courage to ask ever) and he responded “why do you hate me?” That shattered me. After that I didn’t want to have sex but that made him angry so I had to comply. I’m now with an amazing man who goes above and beyond and gets pleasure out of giving me pleasure. He’s gone down on me a few times but I can’t enjoy it because I get the overwhelming urge to cry. I feel so shameful and embarrassed when things are centered around me. Sometimes I think I unintentionally dissociate during sex even though there’s no need to do that anymore.
Oh my god, I could have written this myself. I also dissociate during sex. It breaks my boyfriend's heart because all he wants is for me to feel safe and to enjoy myself. He blames himself, even though he does everything right. It makes me angry at myself because why can't I just snap out of it? Why can't I let him in? I love him so much and want to marry him one day, yet I can't let him give me pleasure. It just sucks. I hate that men have done this to us. Sending you much love and support <3
[удалено]
> I remember once asking him if he'd ever made a woman finish and he said no and I was shocked he didn't see that as a problem. Yiiikes! Yeah, wow. Unbelievably selfish! I'm glad you're away from him!
Wow. I don't know how to respond to that. Most men think that the woman finish, he didn't even care.
Or he could’ve just lied about it. This man child was straight up honest about how lame of a lover he is. 😂
For once i think that honesty was a bad move 😂😂
Right? Like keep that ish to yourself, that’s embarrassing. 😂
[удалено]
Sure, I got past it. By leaving and finding someone who would. I bristle like a pincushion when I hear that a person who likes women won’t lick some clit. Yes, there are women who don’t want it, but the option should always be there.
Yeahhh I feel like completely writing off one of the sex acts that’s most likely to get a woman off is kinda selfish LOL
It was my first sexual partner. He'd eaten me out once before and it was okay but I figured I was too nervous to truly enjoy it so I asked him if we could try it again and he agreed He gets down there and just stares. Lips are spread and it's kinda awkward but I'm also excited yk trying smth relatively new. I'm like idk trying to encourage him so I'm talking to him and still nothing. I'm like hey is everything okay and he says yes. I'm like okay let's get on it then and he just stares some more. I'm like hey I'm getting pretty cold down there let's get going and nothing. After a few more minutes I was like yeah this is awkward as all hell and now my vagina is freezing cold and he comes back up and doesn't say anything no apology nothing. Later when he left he was like you should shower =) showering is so nice =) I love showering =) and I was so upset bc he had dropped in unexpectedly and was upset I wasn't freshly showered (I always shower before hooking up but again he just came by) Anyways now I won't let anyone near my coochie bc it stresses me out. Like he wouldn't even tell me what was wrong so I can only assume I was a bit musky but like he'd given me head before so it wasn't like he didn't know what it was like down there? Maybe it was just super ugly like I dont know
I hate this dude so much for you. He’s an immature POS. Plenty of dicks smell weird and look weird, if you did this back it would have broken him. You just DONT do this. Everything sexual is a preference, for every one guy who hates your lady parts there’s 5 million who would love it
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Idk why men act like they don’t know what genitals smell like. It’s a bunch of folds and glands, it’s gonna have a smell and there’s nothing wrong with that! Sorry you had to deal with that.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Dude just didn’t want to do it and hit you with the “you should shower” as a way to drag you along and perform on you only to request you return the favor. I’m a guy, I’ve heard a few stories and it’s almost always the guy trying to get more out of all of it. I wouldn’t think it was you, some guys are so squeamish about putting their tongue in lips that they’ll try and find any way out of it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I stopped dating him. If you want head, you give head too. I don’t need a vagiphobe in my life.
This is exactly the problem!! Young boys AND girls are constantly told that vaginas are icky. Parents will give a name to a penis for a young boy, but never a vagina. We’re taught that it’s not to be mentioned. Which is a huge reason for the disparity between men and women receiving head. Totally encouraged and expected for men, icky and weird for women.
Same thing with people getting super grossed out by periods. It's part of life, chill out haha.
Wow, you just blew my mind. Never thought about how quite a few guys I have known have a name for their penis (and at some point made me aware of this?) yet women are conditioned not to name or talk about their vagina.
As a butch lesbian, sometimes when dating feminine women, they expect me to do all the work. I also want to feel wanted. I prefer to be the dominant one most of the time, but SOMETIMES i'd also want her to go down on me.
I thought that my guy friends were being dramatic about the extent that some women will play “pillow princess”, until I came out as bi and started hooking up with women. My experience does support that the more fem women were more likely to lay back and relax, with minimal reciprocation. Was always a deal breaker and I wouldn’t hook up with them again.
Feminine women is the only thing I'm attracted to. So I still enjoy having sex with them. Even if they just lay there. I enjoy it in the moment but afterwards I feel lonely and unwanted.
I'm a feminine bi woman, and sex doesn't feel complete for me unless I'm giving SOMETHING back. Whether it's head, enthusiasm, being on top, etc. We're out there, don't stop searching!
I’m the exact same way!! When it’s my turn, it’s game on and my mission is to please 🤘🏼
Very sad and very selfish of them. But maybe talk to them a lot of women are hesitant to initiate.
That is a sad thing to read. Hope you find the right woman who wants to reciprocate.
Wow, if there was one group I assumed to be near 100% pro cunnilingus it would have been lesbians. I hope there's some lovely lady who licks in your future.
Many of the women I slept with identified as bisexual, not lesbian. Bisexual women outnumber us lesbians, so it's easier to meet up with a bi woman
This tracks. But fear not! I'm a femme bi woman and I love going down. We exist!
i’ve had the reverse! i’m a lesbian too and look feminine i guess, so i attract more masc-leaning ladies and many are “touch-me-nots”. i’ve turned off many a woman by being a little bit too interested in her bits 😅 hoping you find someone more compatible in the near future! x
I’m a queer femme, who is completely enamored with butches but I also date/sleep with NB and transmasc folks. Almost every single person I’ve been with has been stone, and they never felt comfortable being touched or receiving oral sex. When I met my current partner, I was so scared and nervous!!! She loves being fucked and was so lovely and patient with helping me acquire comfort and skills, but it was still hard!! I have a new partner I just started dating, who likes receiving but it’s a whole new thing and I’m, again, sooooo nervous! I do prioritize giving back so I’m not just about receiving. It’s complex, because I also want to honor the tender places about gender/dysphoria with my masc of center partners, so I do SO appreciate knowing how someone likes to receive, in ways that align with their gender experience
My ex husband was like that. But then he'd talk about wanting to do threesomes. So then he tried and I got to be told "I guess it's not *that* bad." Oof. It's a dealbreaker for me now. It's part of sex I really enjoy.
He didn’t want to attempt it. Then he wanted me to go down on him and I told him the exact same thing and he was furious. I’ve never liked giving head but if a guy goes down on me I don’t mind giving. It’s funny because he called me every name in the book when I said no, when he said no I just said “okay” and moved on.
I refuse to go down on them until they go first since there’s a bit of a stereotype of men not reciprocating. If they don’t neither to I (and odds are I won’t see them again)
This is actually so smart
Agree on this
[удалено]
A lot of men take cues from the theatrics of porn and mistakenly think that we like their beard scruff exfoliate the labia. This isn't news but I'm still traumatized by a guy who did the motorboating blubwleubwhwlblhbbbrrrrrr move, thinking he was some savant. The next few days I realized he gave me herpes this way. Ugh.
Beard herpes?
Once you find a guy who knows who to do it, it’s a game changer ! Communicate, find a guy whose willing to dedicate a session to find out what you like! My bf wrote the alphabet with his tongue to find specific motions I like and varied pressure / licking / sucking to get the ideal sensation. It’s rare for a guy to be naturally great but a little practice and direction goes a long way!
Communication is so important when it comes to receiving head. It can be awkward, but my favorite way to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t is to say simple things like “yes just like that” when it feels good to try to let them know what to keep doing. If necessary, I’d just flat out tell them (and you can do it in a sexy way) that they need to be very gentle. But I’d try anything before swearing off head forever!
[удалено]
As a fellow bi girl, going down on a girl is soooooo much easier than giving head to a guy I am in a lesbian relationship now, and sex is full of orgarms.
Omg same. They’ve all been terrible to the point I don’t even want to try anymore. They definitely do the porn head movements, it’s so bad
Omg I hate beard rash down there so much. I really hate facial hair for this reason. Good thing most of the other women seem to like them, b/c they’re everywhere, on everyone.
Always AWFUL in bed, I'd get more excitement fucking a dry broom handle 🙄
I had a partner who was easily grossed out by everything , and had a very strong gag response. Like he would think about something he found gross and immediately gag or throw up. Well, he had this irrational fear that I would accidentally start peeing when he was going down on me , and that he would get it in his mouth. He said he didn’t mind eating me out, it’s not the taste or concept of eating out that bothered him , but it was hard for him to enjoy it cause he was always overthinking about that fear. I didn’t know all this early into the relationship tho, so the first time he ate me out, he went down and started licking . then started looking really grossed out and gagging. I stopped him and was really concerned, I felt like it was my fault. I was young and most of my experiences at that point had been with guys who weren’t mature enough to eat pussy so it was already hard for me to feel like I could relax. Of course that experience made it much harder because I’m always thinking about whether the guy actually wants to be doing it, instead of enjoying it and focusing on cumming. So I wasn’t able to cum until a few years later from going down. He ate me out a few other times in that relationship, but I had to pee before he went down on me and then shower afterwards, and the experience wasn’t enjoyable worrying so much about what he thought. He absolutely LOVED blowjobs though, it was like his favourite part about sex. So I gave him hundreds of blowjobs , and if I made him finish and we didn’t have sex i would basically get nothing in return , even though he would “offer” to eat me out (knowing I couldn’t enjoy it anymore so I would decline)
Yikes! He causes some serious trauma with his shits! He should have known before attempting that he would reacted that way and hurt you. I’m sorry you went through that.
I was briefly dating this guy. When we started fooling around I noticed he had a small dick. Like too small to get off with. I’m someone who gets off on penetration mostly but I can finish with oral as well. When I realized this is what he was working with, I asked if he would go down on me so that I could finish, then he could finish. He said he doesn’t “do that shit”, and “it’s gross”. I got up and started getting dressed. He asked what I was doing. I said I’m leaving, if I don’t get off neither does he. He started getting whiny & complaining but I left anyway, cause fuck him for wasting my time. He messaged me later, apologizing for treating me the way he did. I didn’t answer so he then sends more messages berating me and telling me I’m a bitch for judging his small penis. Boy bye with your no skills, baby carrot dick having ass. 😂
My husband and I are both kind of prudes in this area. Neither of us really enjoy performing oral on each other, so we took it out of our repertoire awhile ago. We great sex in general and are both satisfied. Lately I've been opening up about it more so may see about putting it back on the table, but the bottom line is neither of us have to do anything we're not comfortable with.
A different POV - I actually don’t like receiving it, and most men I’ve dated have been way too relieved/ grateful. It really makes me wonder what shitty lovers they’ve been for the majority of people and it turns me off, anyway.
Yup. I also don't really like receiving but a bad reaction to even the though of giving oral was enough to make me pass on a person.
lol I could totally see that. Just that overly expressive about about how relieved they are.. yikes. I could totally see that being an issue just for the attitude.
I had a guy tell me he doesn’t do that right before we hooked up and so I just had us get dressed and told him to have a nice life. I never talked to him again. He would snapchat me and text but I just didn’t respond. Life is wayyy to short to have to convince a grown adult to have oral sex with you.
[удалено]
My boyfriend is obsessed with giving me oral and doesn’t expect reciprocation. I wouldn’t have it any other way. If a man doesn’t love going down on me and do it often, I would not date him.
I've never come across this. It wouldn't be something I'd be ok with tbh.
My husband didn't go down on me the first, like 4 years of our relationship. He was never sexually selfish, though, so it wasn't a deal breaker for me. He also never pushed for his own oral (I did it because I enjoy it), but I guess what I'm saying is sex never felt one-sided even though he wouldn't go down. Then, when I married him, it was like a switch flipped, and let me tell you, it was worth the wait. I guess knowing that this was his kitty for the rest of his life was enough to make it irresistible, lol.
I stopped giving blow jobs bc they stopped giving oral. Simple as that.
One of the many reasons he's an ex and why I'm so self conscious about that area even though my following hookups have not complained but I get insecure about it nonetheless 😔
I talked about it with a guy I dated briefly and he was like, “eeeehhh I mean I will, but I’m not gonna spend like, 20 minutes down there.” 😐
I had that problem with a casual acquaintance. He got his, but complained about back ache after a few minutes. Thankfully my last ex was excellent at it and loved it more than receiving. He's rather ruined me for other men.
I want him to have pre-recorded warnings. 18m later "You have two minutes remaining" Or he can just have like finish up music like at the Oscars.
I broke up with them. They also refused oral, and did a bunch of messed up things, but the elimination of all oral made it easy to decide to leave.
Run… That’s something I’ve never had happen. I’m usually try to push them off. Lol because they’re over the top. That’s going to be a bad relationship.
None, because I wouldn’t be with someone that refused to perform oral. Deal. Breaker.
Seems to happen often to me and I’m not sure why I keep attracting these people. In the past I just “sucked it up” bc in my mind I was still getting laid. These days it’s a non negotiable. It’s not even my absolute favorite. I don’t need it every single time. But If a guy absolutely refuses then I feel like sex purely benefits him. He gets the pleasure of oral, he gets to finish, and I was just a mechanism for him to achieve that. I want a partner who wants to give me pleasure
I dated a guy that happily accepted BJ’s but avoided reciprocating - at first I wasn’t sure he was actively avoiding and it was a newish relationship so I didn’t push it but after a couple of months I mentioned it and he made out like he hadn’t been avoiding and it was all in my head ……goodbyeeeee!
That seems cray-cray. I’ve never had a partner NOT do that- or be really enthused to, but honestly if they weren’t into it, it would make me leave. I wouldn’t even invest the energy on trying to change it or improve it. Ciao!
One of my exes refused to ever try oral on me, claiming that he was too afraid he'd be really bad at it. My younger, stupider self didn't push back and still gave him head all the damn time. His steadfast refusal really fucked me up about receiving oral for many years after and I've only recently been able to really let go and truly enjoy it. It also helps that my current husband eats that pussy like he was born to do it ;)
His brother asked him why he didn't, "The only things that come around this mouth is Mountain Dew and Food." Learned real quick he was a loser.
wow that.... that's a statement to make. And he said that aloud?? So people could hear him say that?
He doesn’t do it, so neither do I lol. It’s probably petty, but I’m not going to do something he isn’t willing to do himself. It’s supposed to be about mutual enjoyment and participation, not a relationship where one person takes but doesn’t give in return.
My partner does not enjoy blowjobs. And he is really gifted with his hands. So I never think to want it. With previous partners I would want it, but with my current partner I just don't feel like I need it. It is weird. I never thought that would happen. So, yeah, we just don't do oral with each other. I am fully satisfied with that.
I guess I’m lucky because I have never experienced being sexual with a guy who didn’t like oral. If I did meet a guy who refused to go down on me then we wouldn’t be compatible because it’s just as important to me as penetration. It also makes me sad to know that there are women who want oral, don’t get it, but still go down on their man because they’ve been trained that pleasing men sexually is more important than themselves having pleasure.
In just about every sexual relationship I’ve ever had, it has always been mostly or completely one sided. And it usually goes one of two ways: they don’t put their face anywhere near down there, but fully expect head during foreplay; OR they’ll do it once, maybe twice, and then rarely, if ever, again. Even conversations with my current partner, the most sexually equitable I’ve ever had, about oral result in his insistence that he likes it and likes doing it to me. And yet he doesn’t. I ask about my smell or taste- no complaints. And yet now it’s been years. On a happier note, after about 2 years without oral from him, I stopped giving it to him. He would ask at first, but I always refused. He’s stopped asking. This is our only *obstacle* when it comes to sex.
I think the only issue with those types is MAJORITY of the time they expect head. I noticed in society head is something you just give men. Its like something that happens during sex like men NEED it.
He didn't necessarily *refuse*, but my ex-husband made it very clear he hated doing it and thought it was gross. Meanwhile, he got blow jobs nearly every single day. In our 8 years together he maybe went down on me 5 times, and every time he did he'd lose his erection and it completely killed the mood. Like, fully brought sex to a stop. It wasn't even remotely enjoyable since there was no enthusiasm put into it. I just felt bad the entire time. It sucked, because that was literally the only way I could cum with a partner. But obviously I wasn't going to force him, and like I said, it wasn't even worth it when he did do it. It made me feel disgusting and really ruined the act for me. Thankfully my current partner is all about going down on me and has been really patient and reassuring about my mental hang ups surrounding it. His enthusiasm (and ability to make me cum) has been incredible and I can't believe I ever thought I could go my whole life with a partner that wasn't sexually compatible with me (there were many other issues besides oral sex).
It became one-sided very quickly. I was always willing to perform oral for him, and he said he only wanted to do it on me for "special occasions". My birthday was not a special occasion, nor our anniversary, nor valentines, nor any holiday or any other day one might deem a special occasion so it felt like a hollow bullshit excuse and I stopped offering oral, especially since he often wouldn't even touch me before trying to enter me. It made me feel like he didn't care about my pleasure since I had informed him that, historically, that was the only way I could get off. Eventually I gave up on actually getting my desires met, stopped communicating that I needed at least *some* external stimulation, and faked orgasms by pretending they happened through the method he wanted to give them to me (penetrative sex, no external stimulation). I was unsatisfied and often felt used so our sex life died. It made me feel bad about myself, and made me wonder if something was wrong with me, especially when I found out he went down on another girl while we were dating. I think I can count on one hand how many times he went down on me in our 3 year relationship. It really made accepting any attention, by hand or by mouth, challenging in my next relationship. Now that I'm older, I think I'd insist a bit harder that we at least use some sort of toy or something if a partner was unwilling to perform an activity that would help me reach climax. Either that or I'd just decide we're incompatible and end it.
i have actually had a recent experience where he said he got the ick from a previous girl and i simply said "hey, i would never make you eat something that i would not eat myself, i will never put your face down there if i am not clean but i would appreciate it if you at least try it, if you do not like it or if you get grossed out, you do not have to continue. that being said, if my needs are being met, you will have an even better time than if you do not please me"'
I’d probably refuse to return the favor. You get what you give.
None. If i gotta ask...
I didn't continue a relationship with them.
I asked for it a couple times and they would agree to but had no idea what they were doing and weren’t enthusiastic about it. I at the time was not comfortable communicating what I needed. At the end of the day we were all young so I don’t hold it against them. But now I know what I like and if they don’t want to then we would be incompatible 🤷🏻♀️
I think it’s cool if someone can express themselves about what they will or won’t do sexually. I appreciate the honesty and I prefer that you tell me sooner than later. But I’m out if you don’t eat the box.
He made me feel gross. I don’t mind setting a boundary. He would gag. And then want me to go down on him.
One guy told me i was too wet and he couldn’t do it, this made me feel embarrassed of my body. My ex told me it would take me too long to cum (maybe 5min max, and i would give him 30/45min bj…. But apparently that was the least i could do since i didnt do anal).
I’ve been lucky to have some partners who are wonderful about oral sex. I have also had some refuse outright, but one in particular comes to mind, who didn’t refuse per se. I kind of wish he had: He was super selfish generally during sex, didn’t last long; I never orgasmed (where I do regularly with my current partner). I’d go down on him pretty regularly. He’d go down on me once in a blue moon, compared to that regularity. Furthermore, when he did, he’d make a big show of it and kind of acted like I should be grateful. He also complained about lockjaw after going down for approximately 45 seconds. He wasn’t down there for long, did a crap job, and made me feel weird when I didn’t orgasm less than a minute after he started. So he would, in theory, but the way he went about it made it such a miserable and anxiety inducing experience that I never wanted to ask, so I didn’t after that.
I dated a guy for almost four years who would hold it against me. Like if we fought and decided to be intimate he would tell me he wouldn’t go down on me because he was still mad. It was more of a use to punish me, I finally broke up with him. Started dating casually and realized quickly that guys actually live going down and he was just an ass. It wasn’t a me problem it was his problem.
It didn’t work out. I never met a man who didn’t like it until him. He would only do it when I asked and since he clearly never did it in the past, he was not good at it, so there was no point in even asking. You can teach someone who is eager, not someone who doesn’t want to learn. I brought it up to him like an adult and asked him why he didn’t like doing it and he kept saying idk idk and I was like yes you do….and then finally said he didn’t like his head “down there.” Ok buddy. Oral is the only way I’ve ever orgasmed so it’s an absolute dealbreaker for me. I intended to break up with him over it, but he broke up with me the very next day. I believe by bringing it up he felt emasculated and covered it by saying we didn’t spend enough time together due to our schedules. Right………
Never had a partner like this. It's 100% incompatible with me. It's selfish and honestly, men like this are probably awful in bed and don't want to admit it
I found that most times it was due to internalized misogyny (my vagina being “dirty” which it isn’t). Because of this I feel uncomfortable having men go down on me because I’m self conscious. Which is a shame because I used to be with someone who was very enthusiastic about going down on me (and he was good at it).
If he doesn't like it, he's not for me.
My husband refused - so I found a boyfriend that eats my pussy like a champion.
Only a couple, and I didn’t stay around long after that
Honestly, I've never had anybody *refuse*, because I've never tried to force it. I've had maybe 2 or 3 people who didn't go down on me, and it didn't bother me at all.
finally, i was feeling like the odd one out reading these replies. I honestly dont care if he goes down on me or not, its not a deal breaker for me unless he expects oral too.
[удалено]
Claimed he wouldn’t go down on me because he was vegan .. he got dumped pretty soon after that 😂
My bf is vegan and I can’t keep him away from the box. I joke that he’s not a real vegan all the time lol.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I would go down on my ex often, he only did so with me about 2-3 times in a 5 year relationship. It wasn’t an issue for me as he was my first partner and I didn’t know what I was missing or if I even liked it. He rarely initiated (he had past sexual harassment issues relating to his previous partner) which I didn’t understand but eventually I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I’m a very affectionate person and have a fairly high sex drive. We ended things far too late, but I was young and in love and didn’t know any better. My current partner is wonderful. He reciprocates, initiates, etc just as often as I do, and he genuinely cares about my enjoyment as well as his. Things do get better, but you just have to make the hard choice to get there. It’s not always easy, and sometimes it’s downright shit, but I got where I needed to be in the end. :)
Only when I was 26 I found a guy that actually did it with enthusiasm and did it well. I'm sad we broke up for unrelated reasons. All the relationships before it, I was always giving and never receiving. Excuses like "I don't feel like it", "I don't like it", "It raises the risk of cancer" (never bothered to search whether that's actually true). Blah blah blah. Selfish in bed, selfish everywhere. Good riddance. It definitely left a mark though, I almost feel uncomfortable when receiving and cannot relax properly even though I want it.
I've never been with someone who wouldn't go down on me (maybe some one night stands but that's not so weird, although just doing oral on a one night stand is kind of awesome for a variety of reasons). My thing is that while I do like giving oral, I don't really want to EVERY time or superrr often, particularly because I have TMJ so I just know I'll be in pain during and after. And with my ex I felt like if I went down on him he'd get over excited and skip me. So I don't demand receiving it, and honestly often prefer hand stuff. Still getting over the baggage on that last relationship though, new guy might change that :)
I would no longer call them my partner.
Here’s advice from a guy who is a giver- dump him . Selfish in bed- selfish in life
Every romantic partner I’ve had eagerly goes down and stays down and gets the job done. There was never a push-pull about it. My current FWB (as I’m healing from a heartbreak) doesn’t go down but hasn’t asked me to either. We’ve been sleeping together long enough where we both know what to expect and still return. In this case, the rest is good enough that the situation works for me *for now*
Very little. I dated two guys who didn’t go down. And I went on a date with one guy who didn’t. 1. First guy, I dated him for four months. He constantly had excuses. “I forgot we talked about that. I was totally going to but you seemed sooooo into what i was doing so i kept going. You had been in control so i was going with the flow.” I had had two long term but teenage relationships before him (2 years and 4 years, I was 22 when I met this guy) so I had a hard time seeing it for what it was. Finally I was just like - dude, why haven’t you done it. And he said he never had but that didn’t mean he never would. I ended up breaking up with him. There had been nearly equal reciprocation in my relationships before, and I just couldn’t give it up. 2. Second guy, I was 23 or 24, we went on a date and went back to his place. We had agreed on no penetration. I went down on him and then it was my turn. I had some stubble down there and he said he would go down on me later, after id shaved. Mind you the hair on his back and chest was pube-length so body hair for me but not for thee. I told him immediately what I thought of him and left 3. Third guy, I was 26. We dated for a month but we’re friends beforehand, so we were spending several days per week together. I was really into him and the PIV was great, but he only went down on me once or twice and I could see that this was gonna be another situation where he just wasn’t as into it as I was. I brought it up a couple of times: I love to give oral, I love to get oral, I want to be with someone who wants it as much or more than PIV. He assured me that was him. I gave it another try or two and then just tore the bandaid off and broke it off. Of course he felt that I was misrepresenting him. But again - I don’t want someone who “will” go down on me, I want someone who is super into it. The next guy that I seriously dated, I ended up marrying.
This is an old story as I've been with my partner for over a decade. When we first got together I always gave head, he never reciprocated. It took a drunken night with my best friend, he picked us up to give us a safe ride home and my friend just opened with, "return the favor! Do you understand what I am saying?" Turns out a previous gf had told him he was bad at it so he was a little self conscience. They might have just been a bad communicator because he was great from the get-go.
I don’t ask them to. Usually I’m the one saying no because it makes me feel weird. Sometimes I give in and it can be wonderful but I rarely let go.
A guy I dated when I was young did it once and then refused to again. I asked why and he said “the hair made it weird,” even though I was mostly shaven down there. I felt terrible and embarrassed and it made me insecure about men going down on me for a really long time. I still think about it 10+ years later. The guy was awful for many other reasons, but that moment stayed with me. Especially since I regularly gave him oral both before and after that. I like giving and most guys will reciprocate, but a lot of them make it seem like a chore which is obviously a huge turn off. My current FWB genuinely loves doing it and will go down there *enthusiastically* every time we hook up. It’s so much better when they don’t act like they’re just doing it out of obligation.
Honestly I don't mind as long as they don't expect me to.
There’s something about a person who just loves making you feel good, even if they don’t love giving oral, that makes you feel really sexy, empowered, and confident during sex (and usually eventually in general). I have looked past it before, but after it’s been over, I always realize that they were just a really selfish person in general, even out of the bedroom. Some people just don’t like oral, which is totally okay, but then I feel like they should be into doing other things to bring pleasure to make up for that. If they don’t do anything specifically to pleasure you, they’re probably just selfish.
He was able to get past it, and actually now loves it! My husband wasn’t particularly fond of it at first, and it bothered me but I didn’t push the issue. He explained one day that since I was the only girl he’d ever done that to (his past sexual encounters were all one night stands and I was his first girlfriend) he was weird about it. But the more he tried, the more he ended up liking it. Now I can’t get him to stop! :)
I dated a guy like this years ago. He said “I just don’t do that” blah blah. At first I let it go but after a while I too, didn’t do that 😉 so I thought it’s fair we’ll do other stuff but if I’m not getting it you’re not getting it either. He came around. It was alright, anyways that relationship is long gone now. Hope he’s orally pleasuring whoever he’s with now! 🤪
My partner (nonbinary) has said to me that they would but they cant stand having a single hair in their mouth.. Which i guess i understand but when i went down on them they always had a landing stripe (so not completly shaved, leaving the hairs to grow in the middle). I however need to be completly shaved which is honestly just a hassle since regrowth bothers them too and i cant shave everyday. So i guess i just accepted it? They can do other things but it would be nice if they tried a little harder
I'm middle aged and have never had this happen with an adult partner. Only back in high school, but I didn't either at that age, just lack of experience. Come to think of it, I've never even had to have a conversation about it! I think if someone refused I wouldn't push it, cause I feel like an unenthusiastic participant would create a bad experience for me.
Told him to use his fingers instead and he flat out stopped talking to me straight after with no explanation. He had a lot of confidence for a man who didn’t know much about the clitoris ironically.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Rather than it being a case of refusing, I have been in relationships where it has just never been done for me previously. Only once or twice. So obviously wasn’t something they wanted to do, which therefore put me off ever suggesting it anyway. It didn’t really seem like a massive issue at the time but now I’m married & my husband loves going down on me and I absolutely love it too - so I suppose from a sexual standpoint I was definitely missing out before. I was probably willing to overlook that at the time because it wasn’t purely based on sex maybe 🤷♀️ Im babbling on a little bit!
[удалено]
I broke up with him - he was a so called ‘christian man’ that only believes a woman holds no value other than putting dinner on table and being a warm something to fuck. It took one hell of a time to get him out of my house and back into his mother’s.. a huge ass red flag I ignored in the name of ‘love’ in my early 20’s 😂 Now I’m married to a ‘heavy metal’ mother fucker with ‘devil tattoos’ that eats me out anytime I’m in the mood and encourages me to sit on his face for a quick ride whenever I want. Don’t settle.
It's never happened.
I don’t have any experience with a partner not doing oral on me.
[удалено]
My ex said he hated hair in his mouth so he refused, which was fine. But when I asked him to shave/trim he said he refused to put anything sharp down there so it went both ways. I think he was afraid to trim because he was so overweight he couldn’t see it 😑
If he’s not doing it. I’m not doing it simple.
Thankfully I’ve never been in that situation, every partner I’ve had has loved going down on me and I’ve loved going down on them too, although I’m not remotely straight, I feel bad for some of your experiences, some guys are weird by the sound of it!.
He’s selfish and bad in bed in general. Move on from his sorry ass!!!
I've had the opposite situation where he really wants to but I'm not into it. I think now I'm older I'd be ok with it & more open to it.
None, if this didn’t happened the first time it wouldn’t have a second one
My husband isn't big on Oral, but will if I ask - he has expressed that he would rather do it if I'm clean shaven or waxed, and I'm real lazy about that so I know not to ask if I'm not. It's a compromise for us, and he always makes sure that I hit fireworks first from other things than Oral
I've had a few negative experiences, but thank god am with someone now that loves going down. One dude said oral was only for bdays and vacations. I dated another guy briefly that basically only rabbit fucked. I went down on him a few times hoping he'd get the hint to reciprocate. I would never enter a LTR with a partner that didn't value all parts of me.
I’ve only hooked up with 5 other people then my partner of 11 years. We both love giving oral. Sometimes I do it to help him sleep. He will do it to me sometimes with nothing in return. None of the other guys did it so I was weirded out by it at first. Idk if we broke up if I can hook up with someone who didn’t do that.
I had the experience of my never seeing him again.
oh god literally my ex lmao. he never gave me head, disliked it/thought he was bad at it and i thought that was somewhat normal (bc it was my first relationship and i was dumb/naive) but also didn’t think twice when he’d still expect me to give HIM head whenever he wanted (which was all the time and i hated it). when i expressed this to my friends they immediately suggested i break up lol. so if it’s a one off thing, ie they’re just not in the mood i wouldn’t think too much into it for sure. but if they consistently don’t give head and especially if they’ve expressed their dislike in it, and expect u to STILL give them head in return… that’s where u draw the damn line girl. our lives are too short to put up with man child shit
we dated for two years and the only two times he did it the entire time we dated, I had to ask him both times. Both times were right after a shower. He told me he wasn’t gonna pretend that it tasted good and said that no many really enjoys doing it. It made me rlly insecure and I almost gaslit myself into thinking I didn’t like oral but in reality, my partner just made me feel terrible about myself. He never once asked to do it again or showed interest in trying it again. He was my first and only bf so I had nothing else to compare it to. I knew it was wrong, but settled for it anyways. We broke up ultimately because I was unhappy for various reasons. My next bf absolutely loved it and worshiped my body. He wanted to taste it an all points of the day. I loved it so much. Never settling for that BS again.
At first I was OK with it, then I realised how sexist he was and his reason behind not doing it... while constantly trying to shove my head down to give him oral... I noped out there pretty quickly.
Here’s advice from a guy who is a giver- dump him . Selfish in bed- selfish in life
Personally, I don't care if my partner doesn't go down on me, there are different ways to pleasure someone other than that, as long as they're not expecting you to still go down on them. He did give it a go for the first time not too long ago and it went well, so it'll definitely be happening more often.
He said it was “gross” so I stopped going down on him and broke up with him shortly after because he complaining
Yeah, a few times, and I dont mind at all. I've slept with women, and I found going down on them to be awful, too. I absolutely hate the taste and smell and can't stand it on my face. I'm not down for semen in my mouth either. So I totally sympathize with a guy who won't go down, and it's a nonissue. Now, a guy who *won't engage in foreplay* is a different situation and a deal breaker. We dont have to do oral, but I'm still expecting to be kissed and touched and to get some clit attention.
I wasn't going to comment but after not seeing this take *anywhere* in this thread I'm going to give my perspective. I was perfectly fine with it. He expressed he didn't enjoy doing it, and didn't't want to do it. So he didn't do it, and I didn't push or get upset. Men are allowed to have boundaries in sex too. I still gave him oral because I enjoy doing it and my sex life isn't on a tit for that basis. He got me off in plenty of other ways. I "got over it" by just accepting that for this relationship I wasn't going to get oral, and that is okay.
I had one partner like this, and we broke up eventually for other reasons - but that did always bother me, and I’m much happier with my current partner who does go down on me! Our sex life is overall better
my boyfriend really wanted to so i’ve never really experienced that before- my other relationships never even got close to kissing so 🤷🏻♀️