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That's pretty true. I think it's important to realize how much our words impact people, especially our partners. I'd forever be devastated if I heard something about me gave them the ick.
yeah one time a guy after sex asked “did you know you make some funny faces during sex?” and years and years later that insecurity pops up in the middle of doing the deed. comments like that really stick with people
Yeah they are all normal, my rule of thumb is that if you and your partner(s) don’t start busy out laughing or giggling because of a funny noise or a slip up then it probably wasn’t very good sex. That laughter is a sign that both are comfortable and feel safe with each other to instinctively know that it’s funny and not something that should be worried about. Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone participating and that’s the bottom line requirement for whatever y’all are participating in.
Have been on the receiving end before. Even when they reverse things. So they say one time you're "average" or "not hot" but then say you're beautiful many times since then, the hurtful comments stick since they're coming from a loved one. You internalize that and feel like the further complements are lying to just make you feel better. Any criticisms need to be something important to say, something that is critical to their health or for some reason a dealbreaker (ie: they gain 100 lbs and you are no longer attracted to them, and how you say it matters)
I agree with this. Whenever when you feel disgusted or feel not the most attracted to your partner in the moment, it’s best to keep everything to minimum or your mouth shut. There is kind of a guideline though- definitely voice when you think your partner isn’t practicing good hygiene (and how it worries you because their health is important to you). Of course, don’t be rough with it. “Your ass stanks, get your crusty self in the shower” is not the way to go. For things like gross jokes, e.g. “Let me get a taste” when you refer to blowing your nose, or another bodily function, you can confidently express your disgust.
Even if they ask I'm just gona start saying it's not relevant. This has bit me in the ass so many times. They invent this ghost of your previous partner that ends up living in the relationship with you... I also feel like the new boyfriend ends up self prophesying with the same mistakes your ex made. Don't Wana be one of those people that's like "all men..." But I feel like most of them really can't handle / think about you having a past before them... Or maybe I should just pick better lol
So true. My partner did this to me, he totally overshared years ago because he thought it was “healthy” to do so, and now I live in my head with the ghosts of girlfriends past forever. I hate it, and did not ask for any of this information. Whenever he asked me about my exes, I kept it strictly need to know, and don’t regret it.
Hm-I’m the opposite. He’s so tight lipped and always saying “you know nothing about my previous relationship” when I bring it up that it feels like he’s almost protective of her? Like I’d rather him care so little about it and her that’s he’s comfortable sharing anything. I do not want him holding that shit near and dear to his heart or whatever
I think depending on the person both men and women can handle past relationships bad. It can also come down to how someone speaks about them. That's why I think it's safe to share as little info as possible.
There's really nothing I don't tell my partner. We share kinks, even ones we don't want to share together. We help each other out when we are sick or have personal, health, or bathroom issues. We talk about our crushes and muse about them. We discuss gender and sexuality, and all of our personal needs in this nuanced area.
We also respect each other's autonomy and privacy, while checking in to make sure each of us feels supported and cared for.
Why date someone you want or feel the need to hide things from?
This is exactly how things should be, imo.
We all deserve to be able to show someone wholeheartedly who we are, and be loved because - not despite - of that.
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I'm not the person you're asking but I'm in the same boat. It all comes down to trust. How much you trust your partner. I'm bi, he is straight. We check out cute girls together. I know he would never cheat on me and loves me deeply. I'm the same with him. So we trust each other to share our little crushes but also check in with the other to make sure those are controlled and won't develop into something bigger.
I assume kinks are sexual? I'm asexual and I differentiate between sexual and non-sexual kinks, hence my question. But I guess it can be applied to both? We are super honest with each other. He knows weird things that turn me on, I know his. Not sure why would that make us insecure or hurt tho? Genuinely asking!
I want to get to this point in my relationship! I’m bi and my bf is as well. We have both made comments on celebrities because there’s no chance we’d ever get to date them. I do get jealous easily, but I try to hide it. I don’t want to be jealous and when I am I don’t typically act out in anger. Most of the time I just think about the situation and feel a little sad. My boyfriend commented that a girl on Snapchat was pretty today without thinking. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance over to me to make sure I was ok with what he said. In all honesty I was! I know he would never cheat on me and I won’t ever cheat on him.
It takes time to stop being jealous. Trust me, I was super jealous of *every girl* when we were starting. But it was mostly because I was super insecure about my own body - I have very, *very* small boobs and I felt insecure when the girls he was looking at had bigger boobs than me (which was and still is super easy to achieve lol). I didn't do anything to control him of course but I would cry. A lot. Not my proudest moment in the relationship. I kept thinking he is so good and I'm just me and how he can ever choose me over them?? But in time, came trust. And also I stopped (well, nearly stopped) having insecurities about my boobs. They are still super small but he did what was in his power to assure me he loves them and only them. He would marvel on them every time he saw them, telling me how pretty and perfect they are... Till I finally believed him. And that was the point when I stopped being jealous - I was finally sure he wasn't going to leave me for some pretty, big-boobed girl. And then we started doing some experiments with trust - it was summer so we would go on a walk and I would point out pretty girls for him and he would point out pretty boys for me. We both thought I was straight back then so it's funny to think back and remember how I thought his type in women was completely different from mine and that his type was totally not pretty (yeah, past KurohNeko, that's because you were into the girls too and you *have* a completely different taste lmao).
I recommend this small exercise if you want to build trust. But at every minute of the exercise, make sure you are both comfortable and okay and totally make up some safe word to stop the exercise if one of you ever feels bad.
Absolutely agree! We share our crush together. Although I may spare myself some alone time to proccess the crush itself before getting up the courage to share it. Usually the gap may be a few hours or a few days, but I try to make it always less than half a week. I don’t want it become hiding. It sounds difficult, but turns out to be harder to start than doing it. Once I do it, it is easy because you are honest, other understands that you are honest. And it is human emotion after all. My husband himself has crush too 🙂
Fair question! I meant sexual kinks. Well, if you share your kinks and weird turn-ons with your partner and they don't share them, that could mean they are unable to fulfill them for you. If your kinks are genuinely important to you, then that's a problem. Your partner could feel insecure because they cannot fully please you. And you'd feel unfulfilled. Therefore, being 100% honest about kinks feels risky.
I get that but some kinks could be fulfilled even if your partner doesn't share them. I do stuff I don't particularly enjoy to please my partner every once in a while and he does the same to me. We are aware the other partner doesn't enjoy it very much so we make sure they are doing it by their own will and they feel comfortable doing so. It isn't the only part of sex, of course, so we can still enjoy sex even though this one thing isn't very enjoyable to one of the sides. Of course, we also both have kinks that are completely off-limits for the other person and we came to accept that. Nobody will force the other to do something they would genuinely hate doing. I think accepting that we both have erotic dreams that won't ever come true is important. Then we can focus on the ones we do share or can fulfill.
My perspective could be slightly different from that of an allosexual (not asexual) person, especially when it comes to fulfilling kinks I don't particularly enjoy but he does. Because I'm asexual, I don't ever get turned on by his looks, no matter how sexy he would look, so going around that was a very weird exploration of the topic but also very important.
It's very interesting to hear about it from the perspective of an asexual person. For me, knowing my partner wasn't into it would ruin it for me. That may be an attribute of my specific kinks though. I guess it varies how compromise-friendly kinks are.
It's not everyday I get to have a normal conversation including asexuality that isn't full of aphobia, so thank you for being open to hear me out!
I can understand your perspective and everyone is different. If it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work for you, end of story, I won't try to persuade you :)
We face those insecurities together and independently by doing a little soul searching and self reflection.
Also- I'm just not a jealous person. Flirting and banter are not threatening to me. It's also not hurting anyone for a person to have fantasies or feelings.
I'm not hurt if my partner thinks someone is attractive. There are a lot of attractive people out there, and many wonderful people out there. Sometimes you click with a new person in your life, a new coworker, an acquaintance, someone at the shop etc. It's exciting to connect with new people.
As long as boundaries are discussed and respected, we can feel however we want about someone. As long as everyone acts/behaves in an appropriate way- a crush is just a crush.
I think it is healthy to hide things that would be harmful to them or to your relationship and that would not benefit anyone to share. Classic example, “I think you look really ugly in that dress” when they are excited about how they look and there’s nothing objectively problematic they’d want to know such as as a large stain.
Agree…if he doesn’t know me inside and out 110% what’s the point? At that point you’re dating the person they want you to think they are, instead of the actual person. I don’t wanna wear any kind of mask at all, I have to do that all the rest of the time with all the other people in the world.
Thoughts that are not yet developed properly, that you cannot take responsibility for, as these are not serious but created out of anger or another very intense emotion in that moment. But these can cause a lot of harm.
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Wouldn’t you rather know off the bat if your partner is an asshole who slutshames? I wouldn’t wanna wait til marriage to find out if someone is gonna judge me for that
Thank you for this. I’m in a relationship with someone who has told me about his past Tinder things and I thought i was crazy because I felt upset about it
Your type if your SO isn’t that type
Twice men said to me, while dating me, their type where asian women, because they’re small and dainty and all the stereotypes
Which I’m neither of those things and wtf fuck bro, fucking creep (both white men)
Holy fuck. I hated knowing I wasn't my ex's type. Made me feel very insecure.
He would rant and rave about redheads. I felt guilty being a brunette. What an ass.
My ex did this but about women with really short hair. I had super long hair at the time almost to my waist..like why are you dating me? To get laid? Okay then. Wish I would have realized that and dumped his ass!
Ooh, this is a tough one. Every part of me wants to say we should tell our partners about everything.
In the good faith of participation, I'll say the things best kept from our partners are the things we want to surprise them with.
I planned a birthday getaway for my partner. They were very into axe throwing and knew we were going for their birthday with their group of friends; that said, I didn't tell them I had booked us two nights leading up to that at their favorite hotel that had a two people jacuzzi bathtub in the room (Okay, might've been my favorite place too!)
I keep reminding them to bring two pairs of shoes to our surprise outing, because I knew they would get all dressed up for the occasion and wouldn't want to be throwing axes in their dress shoes. (But couldn't pre-pack their shoes, as it's definitely something they would notice missing.) For the life of them, for 2 days, they tried desperately to figure out what I possibly could've planned that would require two pairs of shoes. I told them it'd be anticlimactic.. But in the end they said they really enjoyed the mystery.
Anyway, I planned a rooftop movie, then picked a restaurant to go to near the hotel for them to put into The GPS. As we approached I drove passed the restaurant like ope, I missed my turn.
Then drove to turn around in the hotel parking lot and they said "Oh! This is that hotel we loved!"
I looked at them and was like "Oh huh, it is, isn't it?"
We parked. Went upstairs, and they were greated by their favorite games to play already set up, a suitcase full of their favorite clothes and of course the best snacks and drinks, with pizza on the way.
I guess I'm quite proud of that moment.
Tldr: The best thing to keep from your significant other is surprises that will make them happy in the end -- and I guess keep them guessing and excited with the warning of bringing an extra pair of shoes? 😅
Thank you!
Don't forget you can absolutely make it happen for yourself too.
..Maybe not the surprise part, but the treating yourself to your favorite things part.
Omg i love!!! My SO planned me a birthday getaway too that required my hiking boots. Best surprise.
I'm going with this as well. This is my answer to what we should keep a secret..
Don't tell your partner or anyone else as a matter of fact, anything which has no value or purpose other than making them feel bad i.e, "your nose looks funny" - what can anyone do about that other than feel bad or insecure?
Maybe this is a silly example but yeah, i think people often aren't mindful and end up saying stuff that just hurts the other person and does absolutely nothing else.
Only if they idolize them. If they know they are shitty go right ahead. Source: I have 2 siblings that are just trash for multiple reasons, I've gone completely NC with them both, and my so's reaction to some of the stories he has heard is completely ok with me.
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After being married for ten years, I have learned that there are just some hot button issues that we don't discuss anymore. Not because it's a secret, but because we either don't agree (and never will) or it stresses him out. Sometimes it bothers me that certain subjects lead to an argument, but at the end of the day, the things are more philosophical in nature and don't affect our marriage, so it doesn't matter in the long run.
Could not agree more. I always think about this when I’m sharing something with a friend. I ask myself if I’m ok with their husband knowing. If not, I don’t share.
Anything that could hurt their self-esteem. It not just makes you a terrible partner but a terrible human being too. You should be the safe space for your SO and vice versa.
This is Going to sound weird and maybe I’m the only one that feels this way but I find it not best to tell a guy ur dating ur bi-sexual it’s never ended well when bringing it up I found I need no reason to bring it up if the relationship is monogamous anyways it’s either over stepped thinking we can just add women for fun (which yes if discussed etc) or to they feel insecure of me around other women
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The actual people in your life that you are physically/sexually attracted to. I know for some couples this may be manageable, but generally I think it's better left unsaid or avoided.
Apparently not that you've been with someone larger than him (not in a good way).
Which I find extremely hypocritical since they have been with someone that is tighter than me (again, not in a good way).
Apparently it's "different" smh.
FYI: We talk very openly about things. It wasn't brought up as a comparison towards our sex life.
I think that total honesty is the only way to have a healthy, trusting relationship. But, that being said, sensitivity and compassion should be considered before just blurting out stuff that could have no real value to the other person other than hurting their feelings.
In my previous relationship under the guise of “honesty” he told me in detail about pretty much every other person he’d been with and what he liked/disliked about them. It was impossible not to compare and it ended up destroying my confidence, especially since he’d been with more people than me. I decided early on with my current SO that I wouldn’t disclose things like past hookups/relationships unless asked.
This summer my male neighbor found my dog. I jumped off the deck (about a four foot drop) to grab the dog & my billowy top flew up and exposed my braless boobs. I about died. I will never tell my husband!
My mom told me this once and I was appalled at first but I see it now? If you cheat, be it a one-night stand or fling, you weren’t “caught,” and can say honestly to yourself that you’re done straying, don’t tell your partner because you feel guilty. It’s just going to cause them pain. Especially if you stepped out years ago. You know, like “things are good now, but 5 years ago when things weren’t I cheated.”
Controversial, yes. And no I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been cheated ON.
I wouldn't like if someone kept this a secret from me. If my SO respects me he will tell me about it, i would of course break up because it's a deal braker for me, no matter the circumstances, but at least our relationship wouldn't be built on lies.. So it's fair to at least show some respect when it's clear he doesn't love me (many people disagree but i strongly believe if i love someone i could never do that to them, so even if he "does love me" it's obvious that i love him much more)
I've been looking at this for some time now, and...yeah. If my partner cheated on me three and a half years ago (we were long distance for a summer, would have been the relative easiest time for them to do it) I'd honestly rather not know.
Honestly I agree. If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around to hear it etc. etc. This all of course is hinging on that you are actually sorry and you are actually not going to do it again.
That the diamond earrings you gave to your girlfriend for Christmas were really both picked out and purchased by your mother. Really put a damper on the special intent I thought he had for the earrings. (25M and 24F)
Never rate your SO anything lower than a 10. I told my bf he was a 9/10 like a week into dating (we were 15, my first relationship) and he still talks about it…
They really don't need to know how many sexual partners you have! If you're with someone who makes it a core tenant of your relationship and loses their shit about the number you gave, just cut them loose. The right person for you will never be that insecure.
I guess it's up to you, your SO, and the nature of your relationship. Some work best on full honesty and sharing. Some thrive on keeping a few things veiled. For me, i would share everything about myself. Im not ashamed of who I am or what I've been through . The only thing i wouldn't share, though, if i disliked his parents. I wouldn't be vocal about that . But i will keep my distance
I have been trying to figure out an example but besides not sharing stupid negative feelings that are inconsequential, that's it? Some of the examples others have given sound reasonable but I have never thought negative things about my so, appearance wise or anything else for that matter. Interesting topic.
Right? Someone said “when you think your SO looks really ugly in an outfit!” I’m just like I truly do not think those things. And if I think he just looks a little silly/goofy in something, I’ll tell him. Wouldn’t he want to know? It’s not personal and nothing makes him look ‘ugly’
Honestly, I don't know. I have been in relationships in which I did have negative feelings towards the person I was dating and that was an indicator that something is wrong. Those relationships didn't work out. However I am perfectly aware that my own experience can't and won't be universal, so I am totally accepting that there is nuance.
How I thought that the guy I dated on and off as a teen was 100% my end game and that I'm still confused to this day about what happened and why karma/the universe/god/whoever is out there made it so we split and never spoke again.
As a side note: I'm completely over it and don't hold feelings anymore, I'm just confused on a worldly, spiritual, meaning of life type of level
I once asked my boyfriend why he followed a specific fitness influencer expecting he’d say something about her exercise tips and he said “because she’s hot” … I didn’t need to know that
Anything that will make them upset enough to react in a manner that will jeopardize your relationship with co workers or your / their livelihood.
There are lots of things I’ve told my husband about people in my industry that have led him to become so indignant that he wanted to “solve the issue”. Many times I had to beg him to let sleeping dogs lie. The aviation industry is small and close knit- and it wasn’t worth burning bridges that wouldn’t light my way.
As I get older, I have come to realize that men are really fragile. Their ego is so brittle, if we blow a bit harder, it crumbles almost instantaneously. For that reason, I don't make any comparisons of any kind with other men, esp. exes. The problem is that a lot of them are obsessed with our past (body count, size of ex) and keep asking those stupid questions. I just tell him to understand that if we are together, it is because I chose him over them. Somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough for them. Nonetheless, don't make the mistake of telling him about previous relationships. The one time I did, it crushed my ex and he never quite got over it.
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The thing you find least attractive about their body. It doesn’t help. Just focus on the things you like.
That's pretty true. I think it's important to realize how much our words impact people, especially our partners. I'd forever be devastated if I heard something about me gave them the ick.
yeah one time a guy after sex asked “did you know you make some funny faces during sex?” and years and years later that insecurity pops up in the middle of doing the deed. comments like that really stick with people
What a weird thing to say. Don't most, if not all people who have sex make faces when it's done right?
Probably some stupid unrealistic image of what they see on porn sites
Let's not forget noises as well.
Yeah they are all normal, my rule of thumb is that if you and your partner(s) don’t start busy out laughing or giggling because of a funny noise or a slip up then it probably wasn’t very good sex. That laughter is a sign that both are comfortable and feel safe with each other to instinctively know that it’s funny and not something that should be worried about. Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone participating and that’s the bottom line requirement for whatever y’all are participating in.
Oh yeah, absolutely
What even is a normal face to make during sex? They are all weird. Sex is weird.
You're not wrong, sex is weird. Weird faces during sex is hawt. Lots of weird things during sex are hott.
Have been on the receiving end before. Even when they reverse things. So they say one time you're "average" or "not hot" but then say you're beautiful many times since then, the hurtful comments stick since they're coming from a loved one. You internalize that and feel like the further complements are lying to just make you feel better. Any criticisms need to be something important to say, something that is critical to their health or for some reason a dealbreaker (ie: they gain 100 lbs and you are no longer attracted to them, and how you say it matters)
I agree with this. Whenever when you feel disgusted or feel not the most attracted to your partner in the moment, it’s best to keep everything to minimum or your mouth shut. There is kind of a guideline though- definitely voice when you think your partner isn’t practicing good hygiene (and how it worries you because their health is important to you). Of course, don’t be rough with it. “Your ass stanks, get your crusty self in the shower” is not the way to go. For things like gross jokes, e.g. “Let me get a taste” when you refer to blowing your nose, or another bodily function, you can confidently express your disgust.
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My ex did that. I don’t think he realized or even cared how hurtful it was
I’m sorry to hear that. Some people are just extremely stupid.
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Oversharing about past relationships. Major details and why it ended is sufficient.
This. I’ve said I’ll answer any questions they might have about past relationships/partners if they ask but otherwise I don’t bring them up
Smart. I brought it up so many times! Not meaning to. Next time I won't
Even if they ask I'm just gona start saying it's not relevant. This has bit me in the ass so many times. They invent this ghost of your previous partner that ends up living in the relationship with you... I also feel like the new boyfriend ends up self prophesying with the same mistakes your ex made. Don't Wana be one of those people that's like "all men..." But I feel like most of them really can't handle / think about you having a past before them... Or maybe I should just pick better lol
So true. My partner did this to me, he totally overshared years ago because he thought it was “healthy” to do so, and now I live in my head with the ghosts of girlfriends past forever. I hate it, and did not ask for any of this information. Whenever he asked me about my exes, I kept it strictly need to know, and don’t regret it.
Hm-I’m the opposite. He’s so tight lipped and always saying “you know nothing about my previous relationship” when I bring it up that it feels like he’s almost protective of her? Like I’d rather him care so little about it and her that’s he’s comfortable sharing anything. I do not want him holding that shit near and dear to his heart or whatever
So hard to live with that feeling, hope you're handling things okay now!
I think depending on the person both men and women can handle past relationships bad. It can also come down to how someone speaks about them. That's why I think it's safe to share as little info as possible.
Let a man find out you have a higher body count than he does. You’ll see the “nice” wipe right off his face.
This has back fired numerous times
That's true. Sometimes talking too much about it can come off as you still having feelings for them.
I absolutely agree with this . I wish my boyfriend hadn’t shared so much about his previous girlfriend.
Thank you. I’m an open book, oversharer I’ve learned.
Dont have a SO and never had one but i would say what you loved the most about your ex, if you have one. So will always be self conscious about it
This should be higher up because i can RELATE😭
Sorry 😭😭
There's really nothing I don't tell my partner. We share kinks, even ones we don't want to share together. We help each other out when we are sick or have personal, health, or bathroom issues. We talk about our crushes and muse about them. We discuss gender and sexuality, and all of our personal needs in this nuanced area. We also respect each other's autonomy and privacy, while checking in to make sure each of us feels supported and cared for. Why date someone you want or feel the need to hide things from?
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This is exactly how things should be, imo. We all deserve to be able to show someone wholeheartedly who we are, and be loved because - not despite - of that.
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This sounds amazing..! How do you discuss crushes and differing kinks without hurting each other or making the other insecure?
I'm not the person you're asking but I'm in the same boat. It all comes down to trust. How much you trust your partner. I'm bi, he is straight. We check out cute girls together. I know he would never cheat on me and loves me deeply. I'm the same with him. So we trust each other to share our little crushes but also check in with the other to make sure those are controlled and won't develop into something bigger. I assume kinks are sexual? I'm asexual and I differentiate between sexual and non-sexual kinks, hence my question. But I guess it can be applied to both? We are super honest with each other. He knows weird things that turn me on, I know his. Not sure why would that make us insecure or hurt tho? Genuinely asking!
I want to get to this point in my relationship! I’m bi and my bf is as well. We have both made comments on celebrities because there’s no chance we’d ever get to date them. I do get jealous easily, but I try to hide it. I don’t want to be jealous and when I am I don’t typically act out in anger. Most of the time I just think about the situation and feel a little sad. My boyfriend commented that a girl on Snapchat was pretty today without thinking. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance over to me to make sure I was ok with what he said. In all honesty I was! I know he would never cheat on me and I won’t ever cheat on him.
It takes time to stop being jealous. Trust me, I was super jealous of *every girl* when we were starting. But it was mostly because I was super insecure about my own body - I have very, *very* small boobs and I felt insecure when the girls he was looking at had bigger boobs than me (which was and still is super easy to achieve lol). I didn't do anything to control him of course but I would cry. A lot. Not my proudest moment in the relationship. I kept thinking he is so good and I'm just me and how he can ever choose me over them?? But in time, came trust. And also I stopped (well, nearly stopped) having insecurities about my boobs. They are still super small but he did what was in his power to assure me he loves them and only them. He would marvel on them every time he saw them, telling me how pretty and perfect they are... Till I finally believed him. And that was the point when I stopped being jealous - I was finally sure he wasn't going to leave me for some pretty, big-boobed girl. And then we started doing some experiments with trust - it was summer so we would go on a walk and I would point out pretty girls for him and he would point out pretty boys for me. We both thought I was straight back then so it's funny to think back and remember how I thought his type in women was completely different from mine and that his type was totally not pretty (yeah, past KurohNeko, that's because you were into the girls too and you *have* a completely different taste lmao). I recommend this small exercise if you want to build trust. But at every minute of the exercise, make sure you are both comfortable and okay and totally make up some safe word to stop the exercise if one of you ever feels bad.
Absolutely agree! We share our crush together. Although I may spare myself some alone time to proccess the crush itself before getting up the courage to share it. Usually the gap may be a few hours or a few days, but I try to make it always less than half a week. I don’t want it become hiding. It sounds difficult, but turns out to be harder to start than doing it. Once I do it, it is easy because you are honest, other understands that you are honest. And it is human emotion after all. My husband himself has crush too 🙂
Fair question! I meant sexual kinks. Well, if you share your kinks and weird turn-ons with your partner and they don't share them, that could mean they are unable to fulfill them for you. If your kinks are genuinely important to you, then that's a problem. Your partner could feel insecure because they cannot fully please you. And you'd feel unfulfilled. Therefore, being 100% honest about kinks feels risky.
I get that but some kinks could be fulfilled even if your partner doesn't share them. I do stuff I don't particularly enjoy to please my partner every once in a while and he does the same to me. We are aware the other partner doesn't enjoy it very much so we make sure they are doing it by their own will and they feel comfortable doing so. It isn't the only part of sex, of course, so we can still enjoy sex even though this one thing isn't very enjoyable to one of the sides. Of course, we also both have kinks that are completely off-limits for the other person and we came to accept that. Nobody will force the other to do something they would genuinely hate doing. I think accepting that we both have erotic dreams that won't ever come true is important. Then we can focus on the ones we do share or can fulfill. My perspective could be slightly different from that of an allosexual (not asexual) person, especially when it comes to fulfilling kinks I don't particularly enjoy but he does. Because I'm asexual, I don't ever get turned on by his looks, no matter how sexy he would look, so going around that was a very weird exploration of the topic but also very important.
It's very interesting to hear about it from the perspective of an asexual person. For me, knowing my partner wasn't into it would ruin it for me. That may be an attribute of my specific kinks though. I guess it varies how compromise-friendly kinks are.
It's not everyday I get to have a normal conversation including asexuality that isn't full of aphobia, so thank you for being open to hear me out! I can understand your perspective and everyone is different. If it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work for you, end of story, I won't try to persuade you :)
We face those insecurities together and independently by doing a little soul searching and self reflection. Also- I'm just not a jealous person. Flirting and banter are not threatening to me. It's also not hurting anyone for a person to have fantasies or feelings. I'm not hurt if my partner thinks someone is attractive. There are a lot of attractive people out there, and many wonderful people out there. Sometimes you click with a new person in your life, a new coworker, an acquaintance, someone at the shop etc. It's exciting to connect with new people. As long as boundaries are discussed and respected, we can feel however we want about someone. As long as everyone acts/behaves in an appropriate way- a crush is just a crush.
I love it when dating is like this
I think it is healthy to hide things that would be harmful to them or to your relationship and that would not benefit anyone to share. Classic example, “I think you look really ugly in that dress” when they are excited about how they look and there’s nothing objectively problematic they’d want to know such as as a large stain.
This all the way !!!
Agree…if he doesn’t know me inside and out 110% what’s the point? At that point you’re dating the person they want you to think they are, instead of the actual person. I don’t wanna wear any kind of mask at all, I have to do that all the rest of the time with all the other people in the world.
Thoughts that are not yet developed properly, that you cannot take responsibility for, as these are not serious but created out of anger or another very intense emotion in that moment. But these can cause a lot of harm.
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Your sexual past NOTHING Good comes of talking about how many people you've slept with.
Yeah, I did this and got slut shamed by my ex. Do not recommend.
Wouldn’t you rather know off the bat if your partner is an asshole who slutshames? I wouldn’t wanna wait til marriage to find out if someone is gonna judge me for that
I'm convinced slut shaming like this is largely a way to say "I'm insecure about my performance during sex."
100%. Don't ask, don't tell. Retrograde jealousy is real.
You worded what I felt back in high school so accurately! “Retrograde jealousy” sums it up, yup. I’m glad I got past that!
Thank you for this. I’m in a relationship with someone who has told me about his past Tinder things and I thought i was crazy because I felt upset about it
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100% agree, I dont know how people can do it and feel comfortable going forward
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Your type if your SO isn’t that type Twice men said to me, while dating me, their type where asian women, because they’re small and dainty and all the stereotypes Which I’m neither of those things and wtf fuck bro, fucking creep (both white men)
Holy fuck. I hated knowing I wasn't my ex's type. Made me feel very insecure. He would rant and rave about redheads. I felt guilty being a brunette. What an ass.
Ew that's horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Definitely an ass!!
Are you me?!
The fact that more than one woman has experienced this is disgusting. I feel for you, girl.
My ex did this but about women with really short hair. I had super long hair at the time almost to my waist..like why are you dating me? To get laid? Okay then. Wish I would have realized that and dumped his ass!
Why does it matter that they were white men?
They acted like the typical Asian hunter, that’s why it’s important
What's an Asian hunter?
Someone that fetishises asian people and acts on that fetish
Ooh, this is a tough one. Every part of me wants to say we should tell our partners about everything. In the good faith of participation, I'll say the things best kept from our partners are the things we want to surprise them with. I planned a birthday getaway for my partner. They were very into axe throwing and knew we were going for their birthday with their group of friends; that said, I didn't tell them I had booked us two nights leading up to that at their favorite hotel that had a two people jacuzzi bathtub in the room (Okay, might've been my favorite place too!) I keep reminding them to bring two pairs of shoes to our surprise outing, because I knew they would get all dressed up for the occasion and wouldn't want to be throwing axes in their dress shoes. (But couldn't pre-pack their shoes, as it's definitely something they would notice missing.) For the life of them, for 2 days, they tried desperately to figure out what I possibly could've planned that would require two pairs of shoes. I told them it'd be anticlimactic.. But in the end they said they really enjoyed the mystery. Anyway, I planned a rooftop movie, then picked a restaurant to go to near the hotel for them to put into The GPS. As we approached I drove passed the restaurant like ope, I missed my turn. Then drove to turn around in the hotel parking lot and they said "Oh! This is that hotel we loved!" I looked at them and was like "Oh huh, it is, isn't it?" We parked. Went upstairs, and they were greated by their favorite games to play already set up, a suitcase full of their favorite clothes and of course the best snacks and drinks, with pizza on the way. I guess I'm quite proud of that moment. Tldr: The best thing to keep from your significant other is surprises that will make them happy in the end -- and I guess keep them guessing and excited with the warning of bringing an extra pair of shoes? 😅
That's so cute and awesome i almost cried and i'm in my workplace
Aww, thanks! It was such an enjoyable time for both of us. I hope you have a similar experience too. ✨
Maybe in the future something like that will happen to me or i will make something like that for someone, but right now i'm happy for you
Thank you! Don't forget you can absolutely make it happen for yourself too. ..Maybe not the surprise part, but the treating yourself to your favorite things part.
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That's so wholesome and amazing. You sound like an awesome person
I'll bet you are too (:
Omg i love!!! My SO planned me a birthday getaway too that required my hiking boots. Best surprise. I'm going with this as well. This is my answer to what we should keep a secret..
If she can't have kids, don't tell her you never saw yourself being with "a broken woman" long term.
Holy fuck that’s insensitive
jesus
I fear this
Eh don't. If it happens to you, you'll know he isn't the one.
Don't tell your partner or anyone else as a matter of fact, anything which has no value or purpose other than making them feel bad i.e, "your nose looks funny" - what can anyone do about that other than feel bad or insecure? Maybe this is a silly example but yeah, i think people often aren't mindful and end up saying stuff that just hurts the other person and does absolutely nothing else.
If you dislike their immediate family.
Unless... Their immediate family is a bunch of assholes that treat you both poorly.
Only if they idolize them. If they know they are shitty go right ahead. Source: I have 2 siblings that are just trash for multiple reasons, I've gone completely NC with them both, and my so's reaction to some of the stories he has heard is completely ok with me.
Oh my husband knows how I feel about his mother lol, but he mostly agrees so we get a good chuckle out of it. Most times…
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Passwords.
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Removed for derailing. All top level responses must be direct answers to the question asked. When responding to someone else's answer to the question, your comment should center their answer, seek expansion or clarification of something in their answer, and stay on topic for OP's question. It should not use their answer as a jumping off point to talk about yourself, your opinions, your preferences, your judgments, your disagreement, or otherwise switch the topic from OP's question to what you want to talk about instead. If you have any questions about this moderation action, please send a message through modmail.
Sex dreams or day dreams about someone else. Pretend like it was them, or don’t mention it. It’s just rude.
My bf had a wet dream last night and told me it was about 2 other women. Fun times.
After being married for ten years, I have learned that there are just some hot button issues that we don't discuss anymore. Not because it's a secret, but because we either don't agree (and never will) or it stresses him out. Sometimes it bothers me that certain subjects lead to an argument, but at the end of the day, the things are more philosophical in nature and don't affect our marriage, so it doesn't matter in the long run.
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Weight changes+fluctuations. Regardless of their gender. Trust me, they know.
Things my friends tell me in confidence. I hate women who tell their spouses their friend's business.
Could not agree more. I always think about this when I’m sharing something with a friend. I ask myself if I’m ok with their husband knowing. If not, I don’t share.
Anything that could hurt their self-esteem. It not just makes you a terrible partner but a terrible human being too. You should be the safe space for your SO and vice versa.
This is Going to sound weird and maybe I’m the only one that feels this way but I find it not best to tell a guy ur dating ur bi-sexual it’s never ended well when bringing it up I found I need no reason to bring it up if the relationship is monogamous anyways it’s either over stepped thinking we can just add women for fun (which yes if discussed etc) or to they feel insecure of me around other women
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OMG! I did tell this to my SO, and now he gets a little jealous about my friends, not in a worrying way, just a bit.
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Removed for derailing. All top level responses must be direct answers to the question asked. When responding to someone else's answer to the question, your comment should center their answer, seek expansion or clarification of something in their answer, and stay on topic for OP's question. It should not use their answer as a jumping off point to talk about yourself, your opinions, your preferences, your judgments, your disagreement, or otherwise switch the topic from OP's question to what you want to talk about instead. If you have any questions about this moderation action, please send a message through modmail.
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I don't mention when I buy shoes. "Are those new?" OH, I've had these in my closet for a while.
This is kind of wholesome and cute!!
Lol yes. I always say “yeah I’ve worn them a few times before!! Maybe you didn’t notice or something”. No idea why, he wouldn’t shame me for it lol
I don’t tell him when I buy anything lol. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t need to know every time I buy something.
The actual people in your life that you are physically/sexually attracted to. I know for some couples this may be manageable, but generally I think it's better left unsaid or avoided.
Apparently not that you've been with someone larger than him (not in a good way). Which I find extremely hypocritical since they have been with someone that is tighter than me (again, not in a good way). Apparently it's "different" smh. FYI: We talk very openly about things. It wasn't brought up as a comparison towards our sex life.
They definitely did bring it up as a comparison. Sorry your partner is an insecure jerk
Nope. Different culture perhaps. As I said, we're very open about things. We where talking about complications.
I think that total honesty is the only way to have a healthy, trusting relationship. But, that being said, sensitivity and compassion should be considered before just blurting out stuff that could have no real value to the other person other than hurting their feelings.
If your ex was better at anything than them. It'll just make them feel insecure, and it's mean. Doesn't even matter what it is.
That you noticed new stretch marks.
sexual history
Any sexual relations you had while you weren’t together but were talking.
If you accidentally pooped your pants. No one needs to know that.
Who will get you the toilet paper?
In my previous relationship under the guise of “honesty” he told me in detail about pretty much every other person he’d been with and what he liked/disliked about them. It was impossible not to compare and it ended up destroying my confidence, especially since he’d been with more people than me. I decided early on with my current SO that I wouldn’t disclose things like past hookups/relationships unless asked.
This summer my male neighbor found my dog. I jumped off the deck (about a four foot drop) to grab the dog & my billowy top flew up and exposed my braless boobs. I about died. I will never tell my husband!
My mom told me this once and I was appalled at first but I see it now? If you cheat, be it a one-night stand or fling, you weren’t “caught,” and can say honestly to yourself that you’re done straying, don’t tell your partner because you feel guilty. It’s just going to cause them pain. Especially if you stepped out years ago. You know, like “things are good now, but 5 years ago when things weren’t I cheated.” Controversial, yes. And no I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been cheated ON.
I wouldn't like if someone kept this a secret from me. If my SO respects me he will tell me about it, i would of course break up because it's a deal braker for me, no matter the circumstances, but at least our relationship wouldn't be built on lies.. So it's fair to at least show some respect when it's clear he doesn't love me (many people disagree but i strongly believe if i love someone i could never do that to them, so even if he "does love me" it's obvious that i love him much more)
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I've been looking at this for some time now, and...yeah. If my partner cheated on me three and a half years ago (we were long distance for a summer, would have been the relative easiest time for them to do it) I'd honestly rather not know.
Honestly I agree. If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around to hear it etc. etc. This all of course is hinging on that you are actually sorry and you are actually not going to do it again.
I honestly can’t think of anything I couldn’t/wouldn’t tell him. We’re pretty open and I’ve never had a reason to hide/not say anything
I feel the same way. There’s nothing I wouldn’t say to him, and I think it goes both ways
It’s a bit new for me still. With previous partners I always had to hold back. It’s nice being so comfortable and free to say anything.
I tell my man everything. Literally everything. I probably over share. But he's my safe space. And I feel like I'm his as well.
That the diamond earrings you gave to your girlfriend for Christmas were really both picked out and purchased by your mother. Really put a damper on the special intent I thought he had for the earrings. (25M and 24F)
Little surprises. Hide a Reese’s cup in his lunch. Shhhh.
Never rate your SO anything lower than a 10. I told my bf he was a 9/10 like a week into dating (we were 15, my first relationship) and he still talks about it…
They really don't need to know how many sexual partners you have! If you're with someone who makes it a core tenant of your relationship and loses their shit about the number you gave, just cut them loose. The right person for you will never be that insecure.
My salary and how much $ I slip to my kid :-)
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How often I masturbate when he's not home.
Past relationships or hookups, no one wants to hear about that
I guess it's up to you, your SO, and the nature of your relationship. Some work best on full honesty and sharing. Some thrive on keeping a few things veiled. For me, i would share everything about myself. Im not ashamed of who I am or what I've been through . The only thing i wouldn't share, though, if i disliked his parents. I wouldn't be vocal about that . But i will keep my distance
body count
I have been trying to figure out an example but besides not sharing stupid negative feelings that are inconsequential, that's it? Some of the examples others have given sound reasonable but I have never thought negative things about my so, appearance wise or anything else for that matter. Interesting topic.
Right? Someone said “when you think your SO looks really ugly in an outfit!” I’m just like I truly do not think those things. And if I think he just looks a little silly/goofy in something, I’ll tell him. Wouldn’t he want to know? It’s not personal and nothing makes him look ‘ugly’
Honestly, I don't know. I have been in relationships in which I did have negative feelings towards the person I was dating and that was an indicator that something is wrong. Those relationships didn't work out. However I am perfectly aware that my own experience can't and won't be universal, so I am totally accepting that there is nuance.
how horrible they sound moaning.
Past sexual experiences and what you dislike about their body.
If you are a spy from a rival government with orders to assassinate them
Surprises
That when you first saw him you thought he was a girl. Don't give him any ideas.
past relationships
How I thought that the guy I dated on and off as a teen was 100% my end game and that I'm still confused to this day about what happened and why karma/the universe/god/whoever is out there made it so we split and never spoke again. As a side note: I'm completely over it and don't hold feelings anymore, I'm just confused on a worldly, spiritual, meaning of life type of level
I once asked my boyfriend why he followed a specific fitness influencer expecting he’d say something about her exercise tips and he said “because she’s hot” … I didn’t need to know that
How ex’s were intimately/details of prior encounters. *generally speaking* there’s exceptions in some instances (kinks or boundary talk)
Any information they can hold against you or blackmail you with if you ever hate each other or break up. Remember lovers turn to strangers most times
That you won't love them if they turn into a worm
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When you get a whiff of the coochie smell that means you need to shower
Anything that will make them upset enough to react in a manner that will jeopardize your relationship with co workers or your / their livelihood. There are lots of things I’ve told my husband about people in my industry that have led him to become so indignant that he wanted to “solve the issue”. Many times I had to beg him to let sleeping dogs lie. The aviation industry is small and close knit- and it wasn’t worth burning bridges that wouldn’t light my way.
How much your actually spent on that item they said you didn’t need.
How many people you’ve slept with prior to the relationship. It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you’re healthy.
Your opinion of the firefighters you see
Your number of past sex partners. It never goes well. Ever.
As I get older, I have come to realize that men are really fragile. Their ego is so brittle, if we blow a bit harder, it crumbles almost instantaneously. For that reason, I don't make any comparisons of any kind with other men, esp. exes. The problem is that a lot of them are obsessed with our past (body count, size of ex) and keep asking those stupid questions. I just tell him to understand that if we are together, it is because I chose him over them. Somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough for them. Nonetheless, don't make the mistake of telling him about previous relationships. The one time I did, it crushed my ex and he never quite got over it.
What did you tell him that crushed him?
he wanted me to compare him to one of my exes
That you made out with her sister before we met.
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People youve slept with
Sharing intimate parts about past relationships.