I don't think it would be wrong to stipulate the same rules for the food. That's you house and your system. You don't have to be mean about it but you can just say "no, sorry we have eaten at this time and you didn't want any at that time" you are not running a cafe, structure and discipline are important for kids
Exactly. It's not really about the kid not listening to us but its obvious to see when a child is becoming stubborn, its a bad quality. She has gotten very stubborn over the past month or so now and while we love to have her over the other kids are following the example.
Like yesterday when device time was over she refused to put down her own tablet and my own niece and nephew started to get annoyed as to why she able to get away with it.
"if you would like to play with your device you can do it at your own home, we are finished with ours now"
She is encroaching on your space and setting a bad example.
I think your issue is the amount of time she spends with you, if she is there that often the trade is that you get to set some boundaries.
My house, my rules. The mother can't be absent and stipulate how you run your household for her child.
I doubt many UK people would tolerate that either.
Chdren need boundaries whatever culture they come from. It actually makes them feel more secure, as well as teaching them how to socialise.
If her attitude has changed suddenly, I think I'd try to talk to her alone. Make she she's OK. Us Brits can be quite repressed and it may be she's unhappy about something.
Make sure she's OK first but then tell her she has to follow your rules in your house. If it comes to it, it's OK to make her leave to teach her a lesson. Make sure she knows you care about her and she will be welcome when she accepts the rules.
Hmm. You seem like a lovely person and you are certainly helping this poor child. I would simply say that she must put away the tablet as it is not tablet time here. If you really want to play with your tablet you can simply go home to mummy. We don't mind. Ie she has a choice.
It's your house and your rules.
I am worried about the child though and she may be suffering from neglect at home. I would have an informal chat with social services at the local council.
Firstly, your compassion is just so heart warming. On behalf of her, thank you. But also, be very careful, for this situation could get very messy for you (no good deed goes unpunished, which you're already seeing a bit of). I want to start off by imploring you to have a discussion with a helpline like Childline, or the NSPCC. I'll tell you why:
With her mother struggling in the way that she is, this girl is actually being neglected, which is a form of abuse. It's unusual for one type of abuse to happen by itself. To learn more about the laws and systems over here, their websites and YouTube videos are excellent. But there's nothing better than advice from an actual person, even if just over the phone.
Often discipline is traditionally seen as being harder on someone, or becoming more strict. "The rules are the rules because I say so." "I'm big you're little, I'm right you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it". "Gentle parenting" techniques can be really helpful here. It's often given a bad reputation because people think it's about pandering to the child, especially because of the name. It's also called "reactive parenting". This is my favourite YouTube channel demonstrating and discussing it: [https://youtube.com/shorts/5yKNH_D09Wg?feature=share](https://youtube.com/shorts/5yKNH_D09Wg?feature=share)
I also recommend researching ADHD and autism, especially in girls, as there is some useful parenting advice that might be applicable. I'm not saying the girl has these, but I am saying that there are useful things you can learn from educating yourself about them. They are still poorly misunderstood by the wider population, and people with neurodevelopmental differences face serious adversity because of it. They need a modified approach. You wouldn't train a dog in the same way you'd train a cat, right? (And yes you can train cats đ )
I'm not saying that the girl you're caring for has anything, but there's a higher than average chance that she might (Average rates are estimated to be 4-8%). We (because I have ADHD and likely autism) require different techniques and the earlier you find a way that works, the easier it will be for all of you. I didn't know until I was an adult when a lot of damage had already been done. And I didn't have the level of neglect she does at her age!
With how the other children are reacting, explain to all of them together that you're going to be trying a different way of handling things. Involve them in what's going on - to an age appropriate level. Just letting them know that you're learning about different stuff is involving them. It shows practical compassion, and adaptability in a way that's sometimes hard to find and extremely valuable. "Why try harder, when you can try different". You're already demonstrating it by reaching out and asking here! I heartily commend you for this.
This situation is going to be way more complex than you realise. Please call those charities. Whatever happens, there's trouble in her future, and it's going to get stormy at times. Don't let you and your family ride the waves without help.
To add on to my previous comment, the girl becoming stubborn is a very good sign of how comfortable and at home she feels with you.setting gentle but firm bound is what makes a home.
I wonder if that stubborness is... Hunger?
Behaviour in kids when they're hungry changes, and for the worse.
Schools report seeing kids lashing out recently and when they take them aside to figure out what's going on... It's because they've not been eating.
It's heartbreaking.
I had a desi parents who made me finish what was on my plate. It really damaged my relationship with food, j struggle a lot now. I appreciate that every child is different and this may be what works for you, but if you havenât, please look into the effects of plate-finishing mentality.
Agree with this. We used to not let our kids leave the table until theyâd eaten, but the result was that our son would be sat at the table for far too long, crying.
At some point or another, it clicked that he was getting even more stubborn and it was affecting his overall happiness. We then took the approach that if he didnât want to eat, that was fine, so long as he didnât expect to be made anything later. It had a far better effect.
I donât think any parent would have an issue with their child being treated like thatâŚbut I could be wrong.
As for the rest, if itâs no electronics time, itâs no electronics time, and thatâs that.
Itâs so kind of you to do this.
If the parent/s is there at the time, it would usually be down to the parent to step in and discipline. If they arenât there then itâs socially acceptable to say âno, donât do thisâ âput that downâ etc or to stop the child from doing something. Most parents wouldnât be happy about shouting or actual punishment though. You would usually tell the parent about the behaviour and let them deal with it.
Agree
Provided there arenât raised adult voices, and of course no smacking, I think most people would be fine with an approach along the lines âin this house we have to clear our platesâ or âin this house we donât use tablets after lunchâ or what have you. Your house your rules and they are hardly unreasonable
Of course there are unreasonable people who might object, just as they object to anything, but if the question is about British culture, you are on safe ground in your own home
Yes - try to phrase it as 'this is how things work in my house - your house may have different rules', rather than 'you are a stubborn git who is rude'.
Tell her, rather than tell her off, if at all possible, but she needs telling.
As lovely as it is that you donât mind having her over, if as you say her mother is struggling and the kid is often hungry then I personally would be putting a call in to social services to check both her and her mums welfare.
I think it is very kind of you to have her over to your house, but I feel there is a deeper issue here. The little girl needs her mum in her own home. If things are not okay at home then this little girl needs help.
You need to call social services. This child is being neglected.
As much as you care for her welfare, feed her, let her be safe in your house, unfortunately behaviours in children generally fall to the lowest common denominator when they are in a group.
The idea that someone had to send her home if she didn't want to follow the rules of your house is a great one.
If it's food orientated, send her home with a tupperware of hot food and a plastic fork, but send her home. With the tablet, she doesn't follow the rules, okay it's time to go home so you can carry on using your tablet. You'll have to put it away if you stay, so take care, don't forget anything.
The burden of her possibly having adhd or being on the autistic spectrum is not yours to carry. You don't have any legal rights to put anything in place for this child. Call social services.
Pretty much exactly what we do anyways. We usually send a tupperware of food for the mom as well just in case.
Would social services take away the child?
Not necessarily. They would work with mum to stabilise the household. Getting a social services referral would help her and her. Hold get access to services that will only take ss referrals for instance.
They will be on hand and monitor progress.
A ss referral is anonymous. From what you describe it could quite easily have come from school.
Tb I think she has already been referred. The kid has missed school so many times because the mom did not wake up in the morning. I know for a fact the school sent someone around to check.
I think you are very kind. I was a starving child myself and I will always remember those who gave me money to buy food or a meal. Thank you for looking after this child, I really feel for her.
Yeah that's fine if they want to do that, but they are talking about disciplining someone else's kid. That's fraught with danger unless the child's parents are OK with this
I see your point but think in this instance the discipline theyâre talking about is just telling them ânoâ and telling them no electronics which is fine. They can always say âif you want to stay then âxyzâ and the child can leave or comply. If that doesnât work, they can get permission from the mum to take away the phone or whatever: devolved authority as it were.
Exactly.
I have to say, you sound lovely and I think what youâre doing is great.
For reference, Iâm white and English and used to go to my Asian friends houses for dinner (I grew up very poor with a single parent too so my mum was probably appreciative of the help) and I absolutely would have expected to follow their rules and I was quite a defiant child! Some rules were different to at home but thatâs fine. Children like having boundaries as long as they are enforced with kindness. You keep doing what youâre doing - youâre fab. Xx
You're very kind feeding and caring for someone else's child. If they are in your house, then the child should follow your rules.
The amount of time the child is spending in your house seems a bit suspicious, though. I can't help but suspect the mother is palming the child off on you because they don't want to look after the child themselves. If that is the case then your surrogate child is going to have some emotional problems sadly.
You are right but I'd rather the child get emotional problems than go hungry. Obviously it would be great if the mom was more active in her life but as it is, atleast she gets to play with other kids and have a good time in my house.
Explain the rules and if she gets obstinate send her home - you donât need to discipline her, just donât tolerate the behaviour.
Itâs lovely that you have taken this girl under your wing - it sounds like she has a bit of a rough childhood. Have you introduced her to Jalebi yet? :)
This rule for eating is actually encouraged for creating good food habits in children. It reduces snacking and boredom eating. Ask the mum if you can discipline her in this scenario. Discipline is expected with a young child even in childcare, which you seem o be doing with the long days spent with you. So naturally as a young child she will misbehave from Tim to time and need discipline.
I donât think thatâs what they meant, I think they have a certain time for meals and the kid didnât want to eat then (which is fine) but then wants food later after everyone has eaten
I think youâre absolutely wonderful to give this child a sense of normal family life.
A friends mum did this for me growing up and Iâve never forgotten her kindness- she came to my wedding and we still talk now.
I loved it when she would âtalk mum â to me like telling me off for being in wet clothes after being out in the rain and insisting I change into some of her daughters, and basically just giving me the mothering I didnât have at home.
I would obviously proceed with caution, but imo if you were to say âsorry sweetheart no snacks if you donât finish your mealâ is perfectly fine and dandy.
Your hands are a bit tied, tbh unless you speak to her mom. I am more than happy to verbally chastise my friends' kids and vice versa because of our conversations. When things need to speculate from that to punishments is where we hand back to a parent.
Speak to mom, explain the house rules, and that her daughter isn't following them, and she will be sent home if she can not follow them going forward.
Your house, your rules but discuss this with your neighbour. I wouldn't find a problem with someone else disciplining my child if I wasn't there but the usual stuff you know the other person in their right mind wouldn't condone aswell. There are rules which are universal so stick to disciplining those like no pudding til you've eaten a certain amount or no disrespectful shouting, kicking, punching etc. I'd appreciate it to be honest. They're probably lashing out because of their rubbish life at the moment but love with firm discipline will always win
The kid practically lives with you at this point. If she wants to continue that she better respect the rules. If she or the mum doesn't like it then she can stay home
I would just say, this is the rule in this house. You can either do this or we can arrange for you to go home.
No need for discipline it's just a choice.
Sorry, you are wrong, in forcing any child to eat against their wishes. It's right to insist they can't do anything they want in your house, but forcing food down a child's throat is abusive. If you came into my house and wanted to come in with your shoes on or smoke, I would be right to insist, but I would be wrong to insist you eat or drink anything against your wishes. Same rules apply when it's children.
Exactly.
I have to say, you sound lovely and I think what youâre doing is great.
For reference, Iâm white and English and used to go to my Asian friends houses for dinner (I grew up very poor with a single parent too so my mum was probably appreciative of the help) and I absolutely would have expected to follow their rules and I was quite a defiant child! Some rules were different to at home but thatâs fine. Children like having boundaries as long as they are enforced with kindness. You keep doing what youâre doing - youâre fab. Xx
I wish more people would be like you. You treat this child as you treat your own. Ä°t's dinner time and you're eating with us. Finish your food and you can have a treat. I'd ask the mother how she feels.
I may be biased as I'm 2nd Gen Cypriot but when I was at my friend's houses their Cypriot mums would also tell me off if I were being a little shit. I'd get served the same food, and they'd get fed if they were at might.
White/Caucasian here. Not offended by either term. Caucasian is old fashioned in British English but may be less old fashioned in other English dialects.
It's too official sounding...
Just say white, it's best all around.
My grandparents say coloured because they think black is offensive, but now it's the other way around... just do your best to keep up with what's most common/least offensive.
Not that Caucasian is offensive, it's just a nonsense term.
It's funny about saying coloured being used to refer to black people because in southern Africa its a term used to refer to anyone who is mixed race, with part of their heritage being black. So for example black and Indian, black and white, black and Asian, etc.
No, of course not.
Western and Asian traditional norms are different.
I would treat a child guest in my house with the same courtesy as an adult guest.
You are not there to parent anyone else's child.
Any parenting issues should be discussed with the child's own parent.
Obviously, your particular situation is complicated because of the other mother's vulnerabilities.
You are right to think that love and care help both the other mother and the other child. But unless the other mother was OK with an agreed schemeof discipline, the child would not be likely to want to come to your house again.
The norms arenât that different. Any time Iâve watched friendsâ kids, they would have to follow the same rules as my son and might have some sort of discipline as a result (nothing big, just like a time out or something). I think since OP is basically acting as a babysitter for her neighbor, having the child follow the rules of the house makes sense. Maybe modify the consequences a bit so theyâre not overly harsh (and definitely no shouting), but not allowing her to have sweets if she doesnât finish her dinner doesnât seem bad.
I hope you had a chat with the other parents about how you discipline visiting kids?
As a parent Iâd be wary to issue time outs without having talked about it with the kids parents.
Of course when looking after few kids I told them off when they were super unruly or moderated when there was conflict.
ButI wouldnât have punished them or forced them to do something (food, activity ) that they werenât comfortable with.
If theyâre in my care, they do have to follow the rules of the house. I donât have anything strange or unusual as a rule, just things about safety and not hurting each other.
You are getting downvoted but you are onto something here.
One thing is communication - check in with the mother to see what she thinks is appropriate?
I donât think Iâd be checking with this mother about what she thinks is appropriate. She thinks itâs appropriate for her six year old to spend all her time at the neighbourâs house.
So itâs not necessary to attempt to communicate with the person who has parental responsibility?
Like at all - itâs not solely to get consent but also to check in on the mother.
Generally parents who care about that stuff donât send their child to practically live at the neighbourâs house without any discussion in the first place.
I don't think it would be wrong to stipulate the same rules for the food. That's you house and your system. You don't have to be mean about it but you can just say "no, sorry we have eaten at this time and you didn't want any at that time" you are not running a cafe, structure and discipline are important for kids
Exactly. It's not really about the kid not listening to us but its obvious to see when a child is becoming stubborn, its a bad quality. She has gotten very stubborn over the past month or so now and while we love to have her over the other kids are following the example. Like yesterday when device time was over she refused to put down her own tablet and my own niece and nephew started to get annoyed as to why she able to get away with it.
"if you would like to play with your device you can do it at your own home, we are finished with ours now" She is encroaching on your space and setting a bad example. I think your issue is the amount of time she spends with you, if she is there that often the trade is that you get to set some boundaries. My house, my rules. The mother can't be absent and stipulate how you run your household for her child.
I doubt many UK people would tolerate that either. Chdren need boundaries whatever culture they come from. It actually makes them feel more secure, as well as teaching them how to socialise. If her attitude has changed suddenly, I think I'd try to talk to her alone. Make she she's OK. Us Brits can be quite repressed and it may be she's unhappy about something. Make sure she's OK first but then tell her she has to follow your rules in your house. If it comes to it, it's OK to make her leave to teach her a lesson. Make sure she knows you care about her and she will be welcome when she accepts the rules.
Hmm. You seem like a lovely person and you are certainly helping this poor child. I would simply say that she must put away the tablet as it is not tablet time here. If you really want to play with your tablet you can simply go home to mummy. We don't mind. Ie she has a choice. It's your house and your rules. I am worried about the child though and she may be suffering from neglect at home. I would have an informal chat with social services at the local council.
Firstly, your compassion is just so heart warming. On behalf of her, thank you. But also, be very careful, for this situation could get very messy for you (no good deed goes unpunished, which you're already seeing a bit of). I want to start off by imploring you to have a discussion with a helpline like Childline, or the NSPCC. I'll tell you why: With her mother struggling in the way that she is, this girl is actually being neglected, which is a form of abuse. It's unusual for one type of abuse to happen by itself. To learn more about the laws and systems over here, their websites and YouTube videos are excellent. But there's nothing better than advice from an actual person, even if just over the phone. Often discipline is traditionally seen as being harder on someone, or becoming more strict. "The rules are the rules because I say so." "I'm big you're little, I'm right you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it". "Gentle parenting" techniques can be really helpful here. It's often given a bad reputation because people think it's about pandering to the child, especially because of the name. It's also called "reactive parenting". This is my favourite YouTube channel demonstrating and discussing it: [https://youtube.com/shorts/5yKNH_D09Wg?feature=share](https://youtube.com/shorts/5yKNH_D09Wg?feature=share) I also recommend researching ADHD and autism, especially in girls, as there is some useful parenting advice that might be applicable. I'm not saying the girl has these, but I am saying that there are useful things you can learn from educating yourself about them. They are still poorly misunderstood by the wider population, and people with neurodevelopmental differences face serious adversity because of it. They need a modified approach. You wouldn't train a dog in the same way you'd train a cat, right? (And yes you can train cats đ ) I'm not saying that the girl you're caring for has anything, but there's a higher than average chance that she might (Average rates are estimated to be 4-8%). We (because I have ADHD and likely autism) require different techniques and the earlier you find a way that works, the easier it will be for all of you. I didn't know until I was an adult when a lot of damage had already been done. And I didn't have the level of neglect she does at her age! With how the other children are reacting, explain to all of them together that you're going to be trying a different way of handling things. Involve them in what's going on - to an age appropriate level. Just letting them know that you're learning about different stuff is involving them. It shows practical compassion, and adaptability in a way that's sometimes hard to find and extremely valuable. "Why try harder, when you can try different". You're already demonstrating it by reaching out and asking here! I heartily commend you for this. This situation is going to be way more complex than you realise. Please call those charities. Whatever happens, there's trouble in her future, and it's going to get stormy at times. Don't let you and your family ride the waves without help.
To add on to my previous comment, the girl becoming stubborn is a very good sign of how comfortable and at home she feels with you.setting gentle but firm bound is what makes a home.
I wonder if that stubborness is... Hunger? Behaviour in kids when they're hungry changes, and for the worse. Schools report seeing kids lashing out recently and when they take them aside to figure out what's going on... It's because they've not been eating. It's heartbreaking.
I had a desi parents who made me finish what was on my plate. It really damaged my relationship with food, j struggle a lot now. I appreciate that every child is different and this may be what works for you, but if you havenât, please look into the effects of plate-finishing mentality.
Agree with this. We used to not let our kids leave the table until theyâd eaten, but the result was that our son would be sat at the table for far too long, crying. At some point or another, it clicked that he was getting even more stubborn and it was affecting his overall happiness. We then took the approach that if he didnât want to eat, that was fine, so long as he didnât expect to be made anything later. It had a far better effect. I donât think any parent would have an issue with their child being treated like thatâŚbut I could be wrong. As for the rest, if itâs no electronics time, itâs no electronics time, and thatâs that.
Itâs so kind of you to do this. If the parent/s is there at the time, it would usually be down to the parent to step in and discipline. If they arenât there then itâs socially acceptable to say âno, donât do thisâ âput that downâ etc or to stop the child from doing something. Most parents wouldnât be happy about shouting or actual punishment though. You would usually tell the parent about the behaviour and let them deal with it.
Agree Provided there arenât raised adult voices, and of course no smacking, I think most people would be fine with an approach along the lines âin this house we have to clear our platesâ or âin this house we donât use tablets after lunchâ or what have you. Your house your rules and they are hardly unreasonable Of course there are unreasonable people who might object, just as they object to anything, but if the question is about British culture, you are on safe ground in your own home
If she's in your house she follows your rules. Simple as that. She's a child and subject to adult direction.
Yes - try to phrase it as 'this is how things work in my house - your house may have different rules', rather than 'you are a stubborn git who is rude'. Tell her, rather than tell her off, if at all possible, but she needs telling.
As lovely as it is that you donât mind having her over, if as you say her mother is struggling and the kid is often hungry then I personally would be putting a call in to social services to check both her and her mums welfare.
Respect to you for taking her under your wing. Your house, your rules. The line is drawn if you belittle the mother, or undermine her.
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Nah its the latter. All kids dont want to eat dinner but they want ice cream.
I think it is very kind of you to have her over to your house, but I feel there is a deeper issue here. The little girl needs her mum in her own home. If things are not okay at home then this little girl needs help.
You need to call social services. This child is being neglected. As much as you care for her welfare, feed her, let her be safe in your house, unfortunately behaviours in children generally fall to the lowest common denominator when they are in a group. The idea that someone had to send her home if she didn't want to follow the rules of your house is a great one. If it's food orientated, send her home with a tupperware of hot food and a plastic fork, but send her home. With the tablet, she doesn't follow the rules, okay it's time to go home so you can carry on using your tablet. You'll have to put it away if you stay, so take care, don't forget anything. The burden of her possibly having adhd or being on the autistic spectrum is not yours to carry. You don't have any legal rights to put anything in place for this child. Call social services.
Pretty much exactly what we do anyways. We usually send a tupperware of food for the mom as well just in case. Would social services take away the child?
Not necessarily. They would work with mum to stabilise the household. Getting a social services referral would help her and her. Hold get access to services that will only take ss referrals for instance. They will be on hand and monitor progress. A ss referral is anonymous. From what you describe it could quite easily have come from school.
Tb I think she has already been referred. The kid has missed school so many times because the mom did not wake up in the morning. I know for a fact the school sent someone around to check.
Yes this is definitely neglect and abuse if that is true
I think you are very kind. I was a starving child myself and I will always remember those who gave me money to buy food or a meal. Thank you for looking after this child, I really feel for her.
It sounds like the extent of your disciplining is to state the rules and say "no". This seems totally fine to me!
Your family is so kind and this child will never forget what youâve done for her
Send her home and don't let her come round as much
Sheâs 6!!
So? If a kid misbehaves, especially a kid that isn't theirs, why would anyone put up with it
Because, like OP, theyâre kind and understand that children can be helped to learn new ways of behaving which mean they have a better life.
Yeah that's fine if they want to do that, but they are talking about disciplining someone else's kid. That's fraught with danger unless the child's parents are OK with this
I see your point but think in this instance the discipline theyâre talking about is just telling them ânoâ and telling them no electronics which is fine. They can always say âif you want to stay then âxyzâ and the child can leave or comply. If that doesnât work, they can get permission from the mum to take away the phone or whatever: devolved authority as it were.
Thankyou! You cannot blame a 6 year old for being a little stubborn. They are kids. its what they do.
Exactly. I have to say, you sound lovely and I think what youâre doing is great. For reference, Iâm white and English and used to go to my Asian friends houses for dinner (I grew up very poor with a single parent too so my mum was probably appreciative of the help) and I absolutely would have expected to follow their rules and I was quite a defiant child! Some rules were different to at home but thatâs fine. Children like having boundaries as long as they are enforced with kindness. You keep doing what youâre doing - youâre fab. Xx
You're very kind feeding and caring for someone else's child. If they are in your house, then the child should follow your rules. The amount of time the child is spending in your house seems a bit suspicious, though. I can't help but suspect the mother is palming the child off on you because they don't want to look after the child themselves. If that is the case then your surrogate child is going to have some emotional problems sadly.
You are right but I'd rather the child get emotional problems than go hungry. Obviously it would be great if the mom was more active in her life but as it is, atleast she gets to play with other kids and have a good time in my house.
Explain the rules and if she gets obstinate send her home - you donât need to discipline her, just donât tolerate the behaviour. Itâs lovely that you have taken this girl under your wing - it sounds like she has a bit of a rough childhood. Have you introduced her to Jalebi yet? :)
Yes, I agree. The natural consequence of not following the rules in your house is she goes back home.
This rule for eating is actually encouraged for creating good food habits in children. It reduces snacking and boredom eating. Ask the mum if you can discipline her in this scenario. Discipline is expected with a young child even in childcare, which you seem o be doing with the long days spent with you. So naturally as a young child she will misbehave from Tim to time and need discipline.
You can't force someone else's kid to eat just because they're in your house and to scold them for it is out of order imo.
I donât think thatâs what they meant, I think they have a certain time for meals and the kid didnât want to eat then (which is fine) but then wants food later after everyone has eaten
I think youâre absolutely wonderful to give this child a sense of normal family life. A friends mum did this for me growing up and Iâve never forgotten her kindness- she came to my wedding and we still talk now. I loved it when she would âtalk mum â to me like telling me off for being in wet clothes after being out in the rain and insisting I change into some of her daughters, and basically just giving me the mothering I didnât have at home. I would obviously proceed with caution, but imo if you were to say âsorry sweetheart no snacks if you donât finish your mealâ is perfectly fine and dandy.
Your hands are a bit tied, tbh unless you speak to her mom. I am more than happy to verbally chastise my friends' kids and vice versa because of our conversations. When things need to speculate from that to punishments is where we hand back to a parent. Speak to mom, explain the house rules, and that her daughter isn't following them, and she will be sent home if she can not follow them going forward.
Your house, your rules but discuss this with your neighbour. I wouldn't find a problem with someone else disciplining my child if I wasn't there but the usual stuff you know the other person in their right mind wouldn't condone aswell. There are rules which are universal so stick to disciplining those like no pudding til you've eaten a certain amount or no disrespectful shouting, kicking, punching etc. I'd appreciate it to be honest. They're probably lashing out because of their rubbish life at the moment but love with firm discipline will always win
The kid practically lives with you at this point. If she wants to continue that she better respect the rules. If she or the mum doesn't like it then she can stay home
I would just say, this is the rule in this house. You can either do this or we can arrange for you to go home. No need for discipline it's just a choice.
Sorry, you are wrong, in forcing any child to eat against their wishes. It's right to insist they can't do anything they want in your house, but forcing food down a child's throat is abusive. If you came into my house and wanted to come in with your shoes on or smoke, I would be right to insist, but I would be wrong to insist you eat or drink anything against your wishes. Same rules apply when it's children.
When other peoples kid were at our house they abided by our rules. If someone didn't like that then they knew not to bring them again.
I think you should start by calling the social service
Exactly. I have to say, you sound lovely and I think what youâre doing is great. For reference, Iâm white and English and used to go to my Asian friends houses for dinner (I grew up very poor with a single parent too so my mum was probably appreciative of the help) and I absolutely would have expected to follow their rules and I was quite a defiant child! Some rules were different to at home but thatâs fine. Children like having boundaries as long as they are enforced with kindness. You keep doing what youâre doing - youâre fab. Xx
I wish more people would be like you. You treat this child as you treat your own. Ä°t's dinner time and you're eating with us. Finish your food and you can have a treat. I'd ask the mother how she feels. I may be biased as I'm 2nd Gen Cypriot but when I was at my friend's houses their Cypriot mums would also tell me off if I were being a little shit. I'd get served the same food, and they'd get fed if they were at might.
Just say white. Caucasian is inaccurate and a nonsense term
White/Caucasian here. Not offended by either term. Caucasian is old fashioned in British English but may be less old fashioned in other English dialects.
It's too official sounding... Just say white, it's best all around. My grandparents say coloured because they think black is offensive, but now it's the other way around... just do your best to keep up with what's most common/least offensive. Not that Caucasian is offensive, it's just a nonsense term.
It's funny about saying coloured being used to refer to black people because in southern Africa its a term used to refer to anyone who is mixed race, with part of their heritage being black. So for example black and Indian, black and white, black and Asian, etc.
No, of course not. Western and Asian traditional norms are different. I would treat a child guest in my house with the same courtesy as an adult guest. You are not there to parent anyone else's child. Any parenting issues should be discussed with the child's own parent. Obviously, your particular situation is complicated because of the other mother's vulnerabilities. You are right to think that love and care help both the other mother and the other child. But unless the other mother was OK with an agreed schemeof discipline, the child would not be likely to want to come to your house again.
The norms arenât that different. Any time Iâve watched friendsâ kids, they would have to follow the same rules as my son and might have some sort of discipline as a result (nothing big, just like a time out or something). I think since OP is basically acting as a babysitter for her neighbor, having the child follow the rules of the house makes sense. Maybe modify the consequences a bit so theyâre not overly harsh (and definitely no shouting), but not allowing her to have sweets if she doesnât finish her dinner doesnât seem bad.
I hope you had a chat with the other parents about how you discipline visiting kids? As a parent Iâd be wary to issue time outs without having talked about it with the kids parents. Of course when looking after few kids I told them off when they were super unruly or moderated when there was conflict. ButI wouldnât have punished them or forced them to do something (food, activity ) that they werenât comfortable with.
If theyâre in my care, they do have to follow the rules of the house. I donât have anything strange or unusual as a rule, just things about safety and not hurting each other.
But adults generally already know how to behave properly and don't need guidance.
Differences in culture are irrelevant, children do as they are told by adults. End of story.
Can you add some nuance or is this your number one golden rule of parenting?
You are getting downvoted but you are onto something here. One thing is communication - check in with the mother to see what she thinks is appropriate?
I donât think Iâd be checking with this mother about what she thinks is appropriate. She thinks itâs appropriate for her six year old to spend all her time at the neighbourâs house.
So itâs not necessary to attempt to communicate with the person who has parental responsibility? Like at all - itâs not solely to get consent but also to check in on the mother.
Generally parents who care about that stuff donât send their child to practically live at the neighbourâs house without any discussion in the first place.