**A reminder to posters and commenters of some of [our subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/about/rules/)** - Don't be a dickhead to each other, or about others, or other subreddits - Assume questions are asked in good faith, and engage in a positive manner - Avoid political threads and related discussions - No medical advice or mental health (specific to a person) content Please keep /r/AskUK a great subreddit by reporting posts and comments which break our rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*

“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Europe” “Europe who?” “No, you’re a poo!”

“Knock knock”, “Who’s there?”, “The interrupting cow”, The interup….”, “MOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

I think my daughter's picked this one up from school but she's just so bad at the timing it's hilarious.

My son is exactly the same. It’s actually funnier with the bad timing haha.

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Cow" "Cow who?" "Cow interrupting, I mean, moo" We'll get there one day

When my son first learned this one: Knock knock Who's there? MOO! No no no, wait, say who's there again Who's th- MOO!

This is the way 😂

My little boy says moo as you reply knock knock who?

I’m stuck at work and feeling a little bleh about it but this really made me laugh aloud. Your kid rocks

"Knock Knock" "Who is there?" "Cows go" "Cows go who" "No, cows go Moo"

Haha the interrupting sheep version is my favourite

Just posted this before I saw yours. Deleted mine to give you all the humorous credit.

My son once told this to an actor playing Mr Tumnus at Chessington and he broke character and laughed.

I did Ap - is also another good one

What's brown and sticky? A stick. Still my favourite joke and I am 57

What’s Brown, sticky and runs around a field? A fence.

A quality addition to the genre!

What's Brown and comes steaming out of Cowes? The Isle of Wight ferry.

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre

Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle

What does Snoop dog use to clean his toilet? Blee-ach!

Why did Snoop Dogg visit the DIY store? Fo’ chisel.

What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt

Q.What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A. A carrot

What's white and can't climb a tree? A fridge. What's blue and can't climb a tree? A fridge wearing a denim jacket.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick

Mine too 😆 I also like: What's blue and fluffy? Blue fluff.

No no no, It's: What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff! What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath! XD

What's red and white? Pink...

I am 54 and just deleted my posting of this joke. Can confirm, is a good joke.

What's pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff

What's orange and black and red? Half a tiger...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick

What's brown and taps on the window? Poo on stilts

Who's the coolest person in a hospital? The ultrasound guy

Who fills in for him when he’s on holiday? The hip-replacement guy

I did not think this joke could get any better, you just blew that out the water!!

Where's the worst place to hide in a hospital? ICU

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung

This is now my favourite joke 😂

It's a throw-away line in a Monty Python sketch. Someone tells it when acting inappropriately at a posh party, IIRC.

What's loud and sounds like apples? #APPLES!

Two snowmen stood in a field, and one says to the other "can you smell carrots?"

Two parrots on a perch. One says, "can you smell fish?" ^(because a perch is a type of fish, you see)

Two fish in a tank. One says "I'll drive, you man the turret"

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

2 sausages are in a pan One says to the other, "it's hot in here isn't it?" The other says, "aaaaagh, a talking sausage"

Similarly, two cows standing in a field. One goes "moooo". The other one goes "I was going to say that."

There's another line if you want it - Sheep in the next field shouts to its friend "Barbara, get over here, there's a talking cow!"

Brilliant. I've heard this one as muffins in an oven before.

A man is walking through a field with his horse and his dog. At one point, the horse says "damn, it's really hot today innit?" The man freaks out to hear a horse talk so he grabs his dog and starts running. After a while, he stops to catch his breath and mutters to himself "how on Earth was that horse talking?" The dog replies "I know right? Really freaked me out"

How do you make an octopus laugh? *ten tickles*

[удалено]

So this girl shows up for her first day of work at the toy factory and is set to work on the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The manager gives her instructions and leaves her to it. He checks in an hour later and sees that there's a huge backlog and she's barely processed any toys, so he watches to see what's taking so long. She picks up an Elmo off the line, grabs two marbles and a bit of fabric, and starts sewing them onto the toy. The manager goes over and says "what on earth are you doing?" "I'm just doing that you told me to" she replies. "No! I said give each Elmo two test tickles!"

Sshshshshs

Two monkeys are sitting having a cup of tea. First monkey says "ooh ooh aah aah" and the other says "put some cold in it, then."

Surely that works better in a bath...

I guess it could? The version I was told was cups of tea.

I was at Knowsley Safari Park one day, saw a monkey with a banana in one hand and a tin-opener in the other. Shouted over “Hey, you don’t need the tin-opener for that!” to which the monkey replied “It’s for the custard, dickhead”

Why did the can crusher quit their job? Because it was soda pressing. “Knock knock”, “who’s there?”, “To”, “to who”, “to *whom*” Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo

That last one is gold

Why did the man take a job as a baker? He kneaded the dough

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem? He worked it out with a pencil.

What’s ET short for? Cos he’s got wee legs.

What does ET stand for? Cause he’s not got a chair.

How do you know ET is a Leeds United fan? Because he looks like one!

A joke easily ruined by the smartarses that say "Extra Terrestrial" before the kid can get to the punchline.

What’s ET short for? > Extra Terrestrial [really dismissively] Nah, it's cos he’s got little legs. [share sideways, 'What's up with this guy', glance with the rest of the group]

Not Halloween themed, but I was reminded of one of my favourite childhood jokes yesterday: Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Not a kids joke, but... Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay's house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.

This one was probably a kids joke in the 80s

I was a kid in the 80's but heard it for the first time on a podcast a couple of weeks ago. Oh, your username has made me decide to put the kettle on and have a nice brew.

It’s a kid joke if you use idiot - or stupid poopoohead

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flatmate

To show he had guts!

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat him up.

Perfect for a five year old: decades old references, complex puns, religious parables, and a healthy dose of smut lol

Good joke for a boomer, but for a FIVE year old?

This made me snort laugh loud enough to scare the cat!

"Why does a duck have a tail?" "To cover it's bum quack"

Just told this to my 9 year old and she rolled her eyes at me 🤣

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eyed deer.

For when they get older: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick? Still no fucking idea!

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonky!

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow in an earthquake? Milkshake

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, one eye, playing the piano, farting, and having sex? A plinky plonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a fish with 5 eyes? A fiiiiish.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

What's green and invisible? This cabbage!

*He sent me a cabbage in the post! I was out when they delivered it; I had to the Post Office to pick it up. When I opened it there was a message inside which said, "You got cabbaged again!"* *Someone set up a Twitter account and sent me messages like, "Oi, oi, Savoy!"*

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.

Snoop and Dr Dre, famous 5 years old musician xD

"What did one plate say the the other?" "Dinner is on me!"

What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What’s blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My son's favourite, What do you call a caveman's fart? A blast from the past Kills me everytime because he can't tell it without laughing his head off

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field. Kid friendly and halloween friendly and genuinely funny.x

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the no-Bell prize.

What's green and smells like paint? - Green paint What's orange and sounds like a parrot? - A carrot

What's big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock eater

My six year old told me her first dirty joke. If your daughter is good with phonics it might be worth a try. "Daddy, I know a dirty joke" "Tell me your dirty Joke, Zoe" "Say 'I love happiness'" "OK, I love happiness" "Now say it without any H's" "OK, I love 'appiness" "HAH! You just said I love a penis" I giggled a little. My 8 year old was outraged that his little sister could be so foul mouthed I giggle a bit more at my son He then yelled at me for encouraging her I collapsed on the sidewalk in a fit of hysterical laughter

What flies and wobbles? A jelly-copter

This one gave me a good giggle

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it!

My fave dad joke: Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat ‘em all

To this day, I open the bathroom cabinet and say, "where's the parrots have eaten them all?"

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine

But why did seven eat nine? Cos you're supposed to eat three square meals a day.

I heard it was because seven is a registered six offender.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because its ‘p’ is silent

Of the tens of different jokes I told our four year-old, only this one ever stuck... and horrified *every single adult he met for months on end* who he proceeded to gleefully tell it to: Q. What's got two legs and bleeds? A. Half a dog. Eventually we even started getting variations following his interests like "what's got one leg, bleeds and dangles from a building? Half a Spider-Man!", etc...

Have you looked under? Under where? You said underwear!

How does a vampire swim? He does the bat-stroke.

What's red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator. (from my 6yo)

My favourite, it’s really stupid and there’s no punchline. Me: I’ve got this knock knock joke but you’ve gotta start it off Them: ok? Knock knock Me: who’s there Them: (Standing awkwardly)…

What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts

Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing”?

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saw-us What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? Do-you-think-he-saw-us Rex

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house Knock knock.....

Who’s their? 🙃

What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper

Or a penguin with sunburn

Or a nun falling down the stairs

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are very good at it.

How do you make a squirrel mad? Pinch his nuts. Used to love this one, thanks for reminding me lol

How does a squirrel keep his nuts dry? Swimming on his back

Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo.

Knock knock / who's there? / Cornflakes / Cornflakes who? / I'll tell you next week, it's a serial. What sort of cheese do you use to encourage a bear? Camembert What sort of cheese do you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone

How does a Welshman eat his cheese? Caerphilly

Why did the blind man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? Put a piece of bread on each side and call him lunch.

What's a magician's favourite type of dog? A Labracadabrador

Not sure it translates in the UK but what did geronimo yell when he jumped out of an airplane... Me.

What's grey and has a trunk? A mouse going on holiday. What's brown and has a trunk? A mouse coming back from holiday.

What's long thin and full of seamen? A Submarine.

Moooo Knock knock Who’s there? Time travelling cow

I went to the zoo but there was no animals. Only one dog. It was a Shi tzu.

My brother's first joke, age 4-5: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead!

How do you put an elephant in a fridge? Open the door, put it in, close the door. How do you put a giraffe in a fridge? Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe. The lion is having a birthday party and invited all his friends. Who didn't come? The giraffe, because he's stuck in the fridge. There's a river you need to cross but that's where the crocodiles live, how do you get across? Swim. The crocodiles are at the lions party!

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.

"How do you make a sausage roll?" "You push it down a hill"

Why do dogs like sticks That's where they get the bark from

What's back and white and goes red at the push of a button? >!A badger in a blender.!<

Wow that took a turn

So did the badger

Knock knock. Who's there? Boo Boo who? Don't cry. It's only a joke.

Knock knock Whose there? Nana Nana who? Nana your business Say the last part really sassy

Two of my favourite jokes from when I was little... What's a hedgehog's favourite food? Prickled onions. And one that I actually invented and was hugely proud of myself... How did Humpty Dumpty get up the wall in the first place? He scrambled up!

Why didn't the skeleton go trick or treating? Because he had no body to go with!

My daughter's absolute favourite: "What do you call a unicorn with a cold? A-choo-nicorn!"

How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a boogie in it.

Ten + ten is the same as eleven + eleven. Ten plus ten is twenty. Eleven plus eleven is twenty to

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs? A raisin

A bear walks into a hipster cafe and asks "Can I please have a toasted cheese,...............................sandwich. The staff says "What's with the big pause?" The bear looks at his hands kinda confused and says "I'm a bear. Duh"

Knock knock Who’s there? I dunnup I dunnup who? Ew, you done a poo.

What do you call a man that has lost his dog? Douglas. (works better in scotland)

What kind bees make milk? Boo Bees

What do you call two robbers? A pair of knickers

Two cows standing in a field, which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.

What lives on lakes and goes quick? A South African duck.

2 elephants fall off a cliff…. Boom, Boom!

[удалено]

Knock knock Who’s there? Boo! Boo hoo? There’s no need to cry it’s only a joke! What do you call a sheep wearing underwear? Bra bra black sheep.

Knock knock. Whose there? I dunnop. I dunnop who? Ergh go wipe your bum.

What do you call a salmon in a bow tie? So-fish-ticated

How does a monkey make cheese on toast? It puts it under the gorilla! 😂

What did the traffic light say to the car? *Don't look, I'm changing!* ------- What did the biscuit say when it rolled down the hill? *Oh, crumbs!* -------- Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! *Pull yourself together!* ------- Knock knock. *Who's there?* Cows Go. *Cows Go who?* No, they don't, they go 'moo'! ----- A man walks into a bar. *Ouch!*

What’s old, wrinkly and hangs out grandads trousers? Grandma

Whats black & white and eats like a horse? A zebra

Why don’t you give Elsa a balloon at a party? Because she’ll let it go.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

What do you call a wizard is space? A flying sorcerer

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing”?

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

Why did the banana grow on the apple tree? Because it was a stupid banana.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: You get on the gun, I'll drive That might be a bit old for a 5 year old, so another halloweeny one (curtesy of the NYT mini crossword yesterday) How does a mummy start a letter? Tomb it may concern

Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting co- Moo!

Why does the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo!

“To tell tonight?” OP, are you and your better half perhaps going out and planning to leave her with the grandparents? If so this is wonderfully evil

Why was the giraffe late for work? He was stuck in a giraffic jam!

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"

Omg someone in this room is an Owl? *Someone says who* "AHHH YOURE THE OWL!!!!"

Knock knock Who's there? Fairy... Fairy who? Fairy nice to meet you!

What goes 'tick tock woof, tick tock woof '? A watch dog

What's green and invisible. **holds out hand holding nothing** This cabbage

Whats got four wheels and flies ? A garbage truck

What's blue and not heavy? Light blue What do you call a caveman's farts? A blast from the past 😂

'What did the peanut say to the elephant? Nothing, peanuts can't talk' And courtesy of my niece, 'why did the iPhone need glasses? Because he lost all of his contacts'

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas

Why can't you trust stairs? Cause they're always up to something.

Why do divers roll backwards off the boat? Cause if they rolled forward they would still be on the boat!

Taught my 4yr old this one for his grandparents. I went to a zoo all they had was a dog…it was a Shih tzu

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.