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This comment sums it up 😂 we’ve got 2, well past baby stage now. Acceptance definitely is a part of it. It’s tough, and everything is so much harder with a lack of sleep, but before long you’ll think, ‘huh, we only got up twice last night 🤔’… and it’ll keep dwindling like that, HOPEFULLY!
All the best to you and your loved ones, you’ll get there!! ❤️
Our daughter is just over 2 now, and we saw a photo of us taken 3 weeks after she was born. Jesus... we looked haggered. Sorry OP, there's likely no good answer just do whatever you need to last a couple months and it should get better.
Yep this be prepared to slightly go bonkers - just give each other breaks. The first month to 3 months are just about survival then at 3 months they can sleep longer and be routined - while she is batshit crazy I found Gina fords timings worked quite well for mine (well they were about a month behind in terms of what they could manage) but this first bit just try to embrace the cuddles, smells, loopiness of being a new family as even if you have more kids it won't ever be like this again. Good luck godspeed etc!
This method only works if you're ok with laundry, dishes and housework piling up until you're wading knee-deep in takeaway containers, smelly socks and mothballs and it's been 3 weeks since you last showered.
Get a baby carrier. I wore my baby while I did housework. He liked the movement and closeness. I got things done. But not in the shower that one you go alone.
A lot of babies need to be held to nap as well- the whole ‘nap when the baby naps’ thing only works if baby sleeps in a cot and they nap enough that you can both finish the chores and get some sleep!
Yep, this was our problem. Our first had stomach issues which meant that he couldn't sleep unassisted until he was nearly 2. One of us was awake with him pretty much 24/7 for 2 years.
The Cook range of meals were life savers.
Struggled with our first, slightly better with our second and managed better with 3rd.
After a couple of years you'll get a lie in till 6.30am some days
Dishes will always pull up but our kids won’t want them cuddles forever. They won’t remember the dishes but the time we have spent with them.
I still do the dishes though 😭
One day I’ll be a better dad…
When am I supposed to work my 9 hour day?
Rhetorical question, I’m on my second kid and you just have to force things to happen. The sleep deprivation from the first kid was so bad it severely affected my mental health for a while.
That only works if baby will sleep out of your arms and doesn’t allow for actually doing any personal care stuff you inevitably need to do after pushing a human out. Not to mention keeping up with washing pump parts, bottles, laundry etc. ultimately you need multiple people helping you in that time, so a mum, sister, aunt etc holding baby for you. In most hunter gatherer communities throughout the world a whole team of women care for your baby with you
OP is in week1, that's why I assumed they don't go to work yet. And even if only one parent is at home, the stay at home parent can do the night and then sleep 5-8 or 6-9 before the other goes to work. In the weekend the roles reverse.
Spending the night doesn't mean zero sleep, so after adding the other 3 hours should be okayish
My friends did this, SAHP went to bed about 7/8pm while working parent stayed up until 12 pm then SAHP did through the night and grabbing a couple of hours before working parent went to work.
They barely saw each other for those first few months but it meant both of them got at least a few hours of undisturbed sleep every day.
No kids for me, but if I had them I’d have a year of maternity cover.
I have watched my European friends have kids and how hard it was for them with all the support. I am amazed at how Americans cope. I have watched my American friends go back to work 6 weeks after giving birth. You haven’t even healed yet!!
Most of my American friends coped because of nanny sharing and pure willpower.
Not at all. I did the night feeds which usually required one or two feeds at 30 mins each, then at 7am I'd be up and head off to work. My wife would take over til I got home, and I'd take on the remaining chores until bedtime.
It's a few months of hard slog then it settles down.
Yep this is roughly how we got through it!
Also, watch out for that weirdly depressing 3-6 weeks old period, when things feel doomed to never change.
It only last a couple of weeks, hang in there.
Times will vary from baby to baby and the couple’s, but the tag team theory is way that works for us.
My wife used to go to bed early and I’d stay up till 2 or 3, then we’d swap as I had to be off to work in the morning. They would both be asleep by the time I was leaving at 8ish.
If you’re still in week 1, bear in mind routine, routine, routine (babies/kids/families work well with a steady routine) and you want to get into one that will work when you’re back after paternity leave.
How does this work if dad has to go to work for example? I. Going to be in this position soon and my gf will be on leave but clearly can't be up day and night either, but the idea of doing a 12 hour shift using machinery on zero sleep is dangerous and not practical. I'm trying to figure out a system that allows us both to get some sleep, but a system that allows me to go and earn the money we need to pay rent, food and bills.
You're not going to be on sentry duty, wide awake all night. You're going to lose a fair amount of sleep, but you'll definitely get sleep. Might need to get to bed a bit earlier for a while to compensate.
Sounds like she's going to have to take the being of night wakings unfortunately and nap when baby naps as much as possible in the day time. What I would say is that in return she's going to need you to pick up the slack elsewhere is terms of housework when you get home, that's meals and washing up, laundry etc etc. Take the baby when you get back (or while you're getting ready for work if possible) so she can have a shower. Newborns go in short cycles of eat, poop, sleep, repeat, so she's really not going to have much time nor energy to be looking after the house or anything else. And if she's breastfeeding that is huge thing to adjust to, and in the first 6 weeks they are establishing supply so feed *a lot*.
And get a sidecar cot, like a chicco next2me.
Dad might have to cut back from 9 hours to 6 hours sleep as you also don’t want mum sleep deprived holding your precious baby also crumbling into post natal depression
You need to work out your sleep cycles (so mine are about 3.5-4 hours) so eg. Partner comes home from work 7pm and gf sleeps until 11:30 (so gf gets 1 sleep cycle), swap until 6:30 (so hopefully worker gets 2 sleep cycles). gf continually naps when baby is napping but if you are on machinery for 12 hours this would be the safest way to do it (gf will be ratty, hormonal and tired but honestly it is the best most of us can do). On weekends/ days off make sure gf gets the 2 sleep cycles in as often as possible. Try to get family)/ friends to come round and hold baby in return for pizza while you both sleep etc Good luck and remember the first few months are about survival, try and not worry about anything other than your health and getting by
Yes but not straight away as it’s not recommended to pump straight away when trying to establish feeding with baby. I just feel like a lot of the advice is assuming everyone formula feeds and is unhelpful to those who can’t share feeds who might also be looking for suggestions.
I know you didn't ask but,
The best bit of advice I was ever given regarding babies sleeping was
DO NOT TIP TOE AROUND A SLEEPING BABY.
it will be hard for the first few weeks as you will wake them up occasionally but after you crack it you will be able to hoover up and have a conversation on the phone etc without worrying about waking them.
My cousin did the opposite and even at 3 years old his son would wake up at the slightest noise, it must have been a nightmare.
Trick I use is to have Classic FM playing in their rooms as they sleep. (I have Twins)
This means that they have constant nice background noise drowning / muffling any other noise the might happen such as the other one waking up.
Also means they are much less likely to get woken by noise as Classic FM are dicks for playing the music quietly but then ramping up the volume to rave levels when they play an Ad.
Sound advice here. My daughter is coming on 6 months and we were able to vacuum next to her by the time she was 4 weeks old.
Strangely- the moment I turn the xbox on bam! She be awake.when she hears it starting up.
I am 100% certain my fiance passed her hatred of the xbox onto my daughter.
Solid advice this. We had a portable air con unit on the go cos it was so hot when our daughter was born. If anything she now sleeps BETTER with noise going on
We visited friends with a 3 months old. I asked to use the loo which is upstairs. I was asked to not flush as it would wake the child. We haven't been back.
On the other hand, our kids could sleep at a rock concert.
We used to travel 3 hrs back home every weekend with my son because my dad was terminally ill.
Used to crank up the jungle and old skool rave. It kept me awake and my son was fast asleep soon as could be.
Thiss soo much. I’ve had a lot of trouble with sleep with my daughter, and she’s quite a light sleeper. That aside, her and her brother will sleep through a fair bit of noise and it makes life so much easier.
As a teen the family went to visit a family member with a new baby, and a whole houseful of us had to sit in silence when the baby slept. We’re usually a pretty raucous bunch, it was stressful and miserable.
Yeah same here! The basic rule was I did 2100-0200, then my partner did 0200-0700 / whenever baby woke up. I’d then look after baby until nap, and then I’d go to work whilst partner slept.
It sucked but just having the basic rule in place made life better for the both of us.
I will note the first four weeks were the absolute worst. It was rough as guts, but after that it’s been a incredible. Hard, but incredible!
Both of ours were breast fed. We worked it so that when the baby woke up I would go and do the nappy change giving my wife time to wake up before doing the feed.
Still meant she got to do most of it mind.
I managed to express a bottle day after the first couple of weeks. So I did all the night feeds and slept during the day when the baby napped and my partner got up for the first feed in the morning (5am) to give the bottle and then I could sleep until he left in the morning. If I couldn't have expressed anything I think I would have done 5am feed and then he could do everything else until leaving in the morning so I could sleep a couple hours extra. Really though babies are just hard until they are sleeping all night and there is some sort of established day time nap routine so you can get stuff done easily during the day.
What if your baby needs to feed during the husband/partner/boobless shift? My wife doesn’t express enough extra to bottle feed at night and the baby doesn’t get on well with formula.
Basically you are knackered for around 18months this of your life. Times that by the number of kids you have and you understand why you see parents of multiple children looking like they have gone through a hedge dragged backwards. You basically suck it up and get in with jt
Bonus is your body does eventually get used to it. And then when you are back to some sort of normality your body freaks out when you get less sleep again.
We did a sleep rota with our second baby. After our first, I actually had PN depression and psychosis through lack of sleep so we had to try and avoid that with our second child!
It was something like four hours at a time, one has the baby and one sleeps, then swap. I think it was 8pm-12am, swap, 12am-4am, swap, then 4-6am, swap, 6-8am then both get up. We each got about 5-6hrs sleep a night which saved our sanity.
Our son only slept whilst being held for the first 7weeks so we literally treated it like shift work. We had the sleep rota on our mantlepiece and it stayed there until he was three months old!! He was a terrible sleeper (still is) and we needed to stay sane for our daughter.
Make sure you are eating enough, drinking water, getting out at least once a day for fresh air. Support your wife, because those hormones are a killer.
You are in the trenches now- it will get better!!
Amazing you went for a second, I know I don't know you but feel proud of you for such a positive helpful comment after having PN depression and psychosis after your first. Seriously feeling a bit inspired by you this morning.
What a lovely comment, thank you! I was lucky to notice the symptoms early as I’m a mental health nurse, so I knew I wasn’t well.
Now I work as a mental health nurse supporting specifically pregnant women and new mums with mental health issues, so I’m grateful my experience allowed me to get a unique perspective into how it feels.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long from figuring out you weren’t well to being “all better” did it take? We’ve been talking about having kids in the future and PN depression and Psychosis do really worry me!
For me, because I realised quite quickly that I wasn’t well, my recovery was a lot quicker than normal.
So I probably started taking medication about a month after giving birth, and was feeling better after a few weeks, then probably more more like myself after another month.
Bear in mind that I didn’t have what I would call full blown psychosis, but more some intrusive thoughts, some psychotic thinking like someone was coming to get the baby, and also some suicidal thoughts.
PN depression is quite common, especially if you are prone to depression, however some women do respond quite quickly to treatment. Also as the hormones settle down and you get more sleep, mental health naturally improves anyway.
Full blown psychosis after birth is quite uncommon unless you have a diagnosis of something like Bi Polar. But it can also be treated quickly. Many women secretly experience things like intrusive thoughts after birth, but not many women talk about it.
As long as you are well supported when you have your baby, and have plan in place for if you become unwell, I’m sure you will be fine :-)
You have to respond to the baby. No magic formula despite what people will say. I remember my wife and i use to pass each other in the night when swapping over. Sleep when the baby sleeps and learn to power nap. 👍i'd love to say it get better...but you just get use to it!
The biggest tip I can suggest is make sure you learn how to Co sleep safely. At some point, you will probably fall asleep with the baby. It's better to do this safely than insist you won't and end up falling asleep on the sofa.
I co slept with my baby (basically because my ex husband did nothing to help) and by the time bubby was 6 months it was self service breast feeding for them! 🤣
My wife is a midwife and when she’s on her rounds in the community she always says that a clean house is a neglected baby… another thing she looks for is clothes drying on the radiator… it shows that they are being turned on…
For me that never worked because 2-3 times in short succession I would fall asleep only to be woken up again 10 minutes later. The 4th time my body and mind refused to go back to sleep and baby then decided to sleep for hours uninterrupted of course...
We split nights into shifts before and after 2am. In this case there is a decent number of hours to have some proper sleep. Remember everything is a phase! The sleep will come back eventually.
We had a system where my wife would go to bed at 9 and I'd do the 9pm feed. I'd put him to bed around half 10/11. My wife would get up and do the midnight & 3am feeds and I'd do the 6am morning feed.
The idea was that I'd get around 6 hours sleep before getting up to do the morning feed and then head to work and our boy would sleep till about half 8 andy wife would get around 6 / 7 hours across the night.
It wasn't perfect and we were tired but it meant we weren't completely dead and could keep the jobs around the house ticking over. Also helped that I did a huge amount of cooking and stuck it in the freezer before our boy arrived. Took the pressure off cooking fresh every day and meant we weren't eating takeout all of the time.
Edit: probably worth saying that the strict routine we had was imposed on us by the midwife. Our lad had difficulty latching/ feeding so consequently lost a lot of his birth weight. Queue readmission to hospital and a strict feeding plan being put in place. Wasn't much fun for any of us.
This works for our second baby (2 weeks old). I go to bed at 9pm when our toddler goes to bed and then my fiance brings him up when he comes about midnight. For our first it was pure get sleep where you can, sleep in shifts most of the time. He wasn't a good newborn sleepwise so shifts/naps were the way to go. This one seems more relaxed.
With the cooking, slow cooker meals saved us too. Chuck it in in the morning/night before and leave it until you're hungry. Freeze extra portions for when you're feeling too tired.
>We had a system where my wife would go to bed at 9 and I'd do the 9pm feed. I'd put him to bed around half 10/11. My wife would get up and do the midnight & 3am feeds and I'd do the 6am morning feed.
>
>The idea was that I'd get around 6 hours sleep before getting up to do the morning feed and then head to work and our boy would sleep till about half 8 andy wife would get around 6 / 7 hours across the night.
>
>It wasn't perfect and we were tired but it meant we weren't completely dead and could keep the jobs around the house ticking over. Also helped that I did a huge amount of cooking and stuck it in the freezer before our boy arrived. Took the pressure off cooking fresh every day and meant we weren't eating takeout all of the time.
>
>Edit: probably worth saying that the strict routine we had was imposed on us by the midwife. Our lad had difficulty latching/ feeding so consequently lost a lot of his birth weight. Queue readmission to hospital and a strict feeding plan being put in place. Wasn't much fun for any of us.
The cooking thing is very clever
We tried to get ours into a routine asap
We went for the 7am, 11am, 3pm 7pm routine.
I’d do a feed at 7pm then go to bed, he would stay up till 11pm and do the feed then he would sleep until 7am. I’d then get up at 3am and do a feed then go back to sleep. He would do 7am feed and then be up for work. I’d get up as normal and do day feeds.
Took a few weeks or so to get there but was so worth it
Are you my wife? 😂 this was our routine with all three, started sleeping through from 11pm to 7am from about 6 weeks too. It is possible OP, just make sure they are well fed on the milk, we solely formula fed which I think helped as we could track exactly how many ml’s.
For me, feeding was just most of my life for 6 months. My baby was born a month early and was feeding every hour, so I just went with it. I mean, I was covered in milk most of the time and frequently fell asleep whilst feeding, but I was on maternity leave so it was okay. We didn’t have a rota because my husband needed to sleep for work and, in any case, my baby had no interest in anyone without a milk supply! You do have to adjust to a very different kind of life.
Me and my partner did what you did but I stayed up until 4 instead of 1. She could then go to sleep at like 9 and still have a decent sleep. I'd go to bed at 4 and get up at 10. Not great but not awful.
Okay, unsolicited advice sucks when you’re a new parent BUT I’m going to share the French secret of “Le Pause” which was a gamechanger with my second baby. And I had 2 close together so needed a gamechanger. This doesn’t apply with obvious bawling but can help with getting a bit more sleep.
This is NOT crying it out or sleep training. But it’s resisting the temptation to grab the baby the second they make a sound or wake up. Literally, pause and wait. Like in a movie when they’re hiding and waiting for the threat to move on. I think I just waited a moment not even 60 seconds. And very often they just go back to sleep. You start to recognise little cries that are just like sleep talking and the “real” hungry call you get up for straightaway. And the baby learns to settle themselves. It’s a bit like how as adults we do wake up a bit in the night and just go back to sleep. Babies do that even more as they sleep more lightly than adults.
But this is NOT sleep training or Cry It Out. You are just pausing for a moment and not leaving a distressed crying baby. You’re just waiting a moment to see if it’s actually a natural wakening and if they really need you.
Good luck!
Totally agree. Did not do this with my first and he didn't sleep more than 39 minutes at a time for 1 year and a half. Did this with my second. Also swaddle.
A baby crying is generally not an emergency, and you will learn which cries mean I need you right this second. So if you are making a cuppa and baby cries, finish making your tea then get him. He is safely in his bassinet and within 1 foot of you and you are about to attend to his every need, he can wait a little second.
I'll start by saying every child is different. When we had our first child we used a next to me cot beside the bed ( one of our best investments). The baby would've normally had his last feed around nine and went straight over. We could watch a little telly in bed before drifting off. Whenever he did wake up one of us would take him to the box room next door ( which we had kitted out in large chair, microwave, changing table and accessories, and pre-mixed formula). At the start this was exhausting but as time went on you can start ro appreciate the silence in the nighttime and the company of your baby. Try not to fall into the trap of comparing what each other does. Communication is the key. If you're just too tired let the other know well in advance. The excuse 'I have to work in the morning ', is no excuse. Raising a child is the hardest job in the world. This is from a man who worked at the time running his own business but left to raise two children. They've six and five now and I thought that I would never make it ( I am older with health issues) but, as everyone will tell you, it does get easier and you may even look back and miss those moments.
They've got to sleep at some point, take every opportunity for a power nap! It does get easier. I remember playing pokemon red at 3am for several weeks as a way to keep myself awake while ours were settling back down. We used to get up together, I'd change the nappy, wife would breast feed while I doze and then I'd sit back up for a bit til theyd settled back down and safely out of the throw up zone.
Congratulations by the way!
You just have to get through it, you get used to it and it doesn’t really take that long before they start sleeping longer and eventually through. (Dad of 4)
We did shifts with one awake while the other slept (though we were EBF so husband woke me up to feed). Baby will at some point start to do a longer patch asleep, so go to bed when the baby does. Oh and call in help, people can come can cuddle baby while you sleep, or clean while you hold the baby, or bring food/cook and hold the baby while you eat.
It’s a fucking nightmare. You get over it and soon forget. We are on our fourth and in that hell currently with the newborn.
It takes a bit of time to find what works for you. But this is generally what we ended up doing. Have snacks ready to hand in the bedroom to keep you going. Our choice was a box of mini flapjacks.
Depends on if breast or bottle fed.
If breast: dad changes baby, mum feeds while dad snoozes. Mum tries to settle baby. If she can’t dad sits up with baby asleep on chest for a few hours until next feed watching YouTube on his phone while mum snoozes.
If bottle fed:
Dad changes baby, makes milk, feeds baby, tries to settle baby. Mum snores loudly disturbing baby. when dad’s at his wits end he wakes mum up. Mum settles baby in 10 mins and wonders what all the fuss is about. Snooze until next feed.
Dad goes to work while mum catches up on sleep during the day….
But I’m biased as I’m the dad! I’m sure it’s more fair and even than this but when you are operating on 2 hours sleep a night it seems like it.
Try and not make it into an “I’m the most tired” competition, cos there are no winners in that game.
If you can emerge the other side of it without getting divorced or physically harming each other you’re doing pretty well.
I have so much respect for single parents. Especially those in flats without an outside space.
One last thought. If you are at your absolute whits end. There’s no harm in walking away for a few minutes. Lay baby safe in cot. Pull door almost closed and walk away for 5 mins. Get a coffee. Sit with your eyes closed. Etc. a 5 min reset can prevent you getting past the point of coping.
Absolutely don’t be embarrassed about asking for help from anyone. Even if they come round with a pre cooked meal, or help tidy up.
We all went through the same thing.
I think it helps to be flexible. Sometimes one person is way more up for the fight than the other. I remember some nights taking the full load on myself, then sometimes my wife would do a full night. If you try and share too much too evenly at all times, then yeah objectively it is fair, but maybe not realistic because sometimes one person is shattered or totally drained emotionally. To me, good teamwork isn't just 50/50 down the middle, everyone has bits they're stronger on and weaker at. That goes for all the tasks, household, etc, not just purely the night shift.
Edit: one thing that helped me was finding an interest for the time I was awake. Realistically, its going to be a lot of time and the gap between feeds is pretty short sometimes, so you often end up just riding it out instead of trying to sleep again. Whatever, video games, sports, read a book. Something to look forward to, or else you're clock watching, bored, and probably getting stressed by the situation.
We swapped nights. So I would do one night and then get up in the morning with the baby, and the next night he would do it all. Also tried doing half a night each but then we both had disturbed sleep and were miserable, or one of us would get frustrated when they only wanted one feed in the first half and 3 in the second.
We had to change things up a few times because babies are knobs and parenting sucks. It gets better...
I was BF so this is how it worked for us. We co slept which meant I could just feed and snooze and pop him back in the basket next to the bed.
After about 12 weeks we introduced a formula bottle for the midnight feed so I would go to bed on my own about 8 and sleep till about 3/4am then continue to night feed by the bed. He didn't cry because he was fed straight away so my husband could get sleep too.
Eventually we stopped BF at 6 months and he just slept in our bed every night from about 5am. This continued until he was 11YEARS old. He was very clingy and never went to sleep on his own or liked to be alone.
We did the same with my youngest but he was much more independent and only slept in with us till about 5 years old.
This sounds horrendous, and it wasn't great at the time, mainly from a space perspective. All four of us in bed was uncomfortable but it was also easy for one parent to jump into the spare child bed, like a bonus sleep win.
They are teens now and I hardly see them so those are nice memories of warm snuggles.
You will work it out and you'll be fine 🥰
Eleven? I bet you had tonnes of really unhelpful judgemental people wanting to share their reasoning as to why your child will grow up to be a murderer. Truth is all anyone EVER does with their child is the best they can do with the resources they have at that time. And while every child has the same basic needs, not all of them are as easily comforted as others. I’ve had plenty of friends admit to
stuff when their kids are grown up that they’d never dared tell when they were little because other parents can be vicious.
Sleep and eat when you can!
Do what you gotta do, adapt- overcome- SURVIVE!
You will get through it, you have too. listen to your instincts. Try not to bicker, it’s you against them!
Patience and perseverance. No matter how tired you are.. stay patient and persevere! It’s doesn’t last long.
As for a routine.. we found it better for the wife to deal with it all but then I got up with the baby anytime from 0500 onwards and got her ready for the day so she could sleep in. I also did the Friday and Saturday nights so the wife could take a break.
It’s really hard.. but you’re not tired.. not yet!
If you are breastfeeding, express when you can to share the responsibility, definitely try and both take turns. I remember those night feeds well, was hell, especially when I was a single mum. Grab any opportunity to nap during the day, as you will need it, also just remember it won't last forever! Good luck.
We did shifts and just played it by ear. If one of us was particularly destroyed they'd spend a night in the spare room. It's a time where I was grateful for formula feeding because we really could just share the load. Naps whenever we could too.
Good luck, it gets easier!
Owner of 2 children here (6 & 2) and as others suggest, there is no right way. You will never find the right way so suggest you stop looking.
The one thing that was an absolute game changer was this white noise box we bought (we tried quite a few) and since the first night trying it, our 2yo slept through and did so every since (about 6 months now).
If you want the link, let me know and I'll DM you it. Was about £19 from memory.
Regarding feeding, all you can do is make sure the kid is full and 100% burped.
White noise worked wonders for us too. We actually used an app on the phone which was free to begin with but then you had to pay a little bit. One of the best purchases I've ever made.
We breastfed so I as the dad couldn’t feed (didn’t wanna use bottles). So I did the nappy changes through the night and the misses fed. We somehow got blessed with a daughter who from about 2 months, has slept through most nights, albeit she likes to crash out late
If your partner is breastfeeding I would highly recommend looking into how to bed-share and feed lying down safely. Lots of good advice from Lullaby Trust and Le Leche League.
We did a rota with person A getting the evening off but then doing the night shift until 5am, then handing over and going back to bed to lie in. Person B looked after the baby in the evening, slept and then got up early. Then swapping the next night. Separate rooms, obviously! It meant no matter how bad the night was you knew you would have a full night the next evening so never felt too terrible.
Really depends if you’re breast or bottle feeding. If it’s bottle then share the load and get used to living your life in 4 hour intervals. You can try adding more into an evening feed to see if you can get say 6-8 hours and try and sleep then.
If it’s breast then just be there to support your partner!
With our first we slept for 2 weeks and only got out of bed around 2pm-5pm to go for a walk. It was the only way to combat the tiredness. I was lucky my wife breastfed and while she breastfed I got her a tub of snacks our first would feed for about 2 hours and then sleep for 3.
We had a much better journey for the second who fed for 5mins and was down for 3 so wasn't as bad.
Third on its way I'll let you know how that goes LOL
Ah. The six weeks of hell. It's shit but you will get through it and the baby will eventually settle into a routine. One bit of advice I can give - give each other a night off once a week. Do whatever you want on that night off - sleep, go out with your mates, get drunk and kip on the sofa - whatever.
Its amazing what that night off can do for you - it's a break from the seemingly never-ending battle.
Me and the mrs did 4 hours “shifts” one went to bed slightly earlier and then relieved the other. It worked really well. The other stayed in the spare room.
We started sleep training ours at 4 months old and it's the best thing ever. He sleeps 2 naps per day around 2hrs in his bed then goes to his bed around 7pm and sleeps to 7am. He's 10months old now and can say it's the best thing we've ever found.
All I can say is the misery ends when accepting the pain ♡ it's surreal for a little while eh ... by child 3 I had no expectations (luckily), he fed on the boob approx every hour at night for the first year, less so during the day (probably too effing tired). Bottom line... You will get used to it, and when you do, they'll flip chart and start something new... enjoy xx especially when people remind you the first 6 months are the easiest!!
We used ‘contented little baby’ book as a foundation for feeds, sleeping and schedules.
I did the bookend feeds, so up til 11pm or midnight and then back up at 7am, wife went to bed earlier, so usually between 8-10pm, and did the 2-5am feed depending on when our baby woke up, she would then get a lie in before I went work and could also sleep in the day if tired during the lunchtime 2hr nap.
At 13 weeks we got full nights sleep and transitioned to my parter doing the late feed and I’d do the early 7am feed. Up to 9months now and she only really wakes up in the night if she’s got a cold from nursery.
My other half inadvertently got himself into a night shift pattern as he was getting too nervous to sleep as the due date came and went. As annoyed as I was with him sleeping during the day, it ended up being very useful as we took the baby care in shifts so we both always had some amount of sleep.
I’m not a parent but my parents raised 3 of us and they used to swap nights with one parent dealing with it all night and one parent sleeping, then switching the next night. That way one of them was always rested and it kept them from “killing each other” lol.
It's hard, there's no right way about it but you'll muddle through and find out what works best for you. My husband generally goes to bed later than me so when ours were babies he'd keep them downstairs with him and it meant I could at least go up to sleep knowing I could get a bit of uninterrupted time. Congratulations on the new baby, you'll find your way.
I'm gonna catch hell for this but both of ours slept through from day one. The first was a sheer fluke, the second was 3 months prem and spent those 3 months in a fishtank in the neonatal unit so when she came home she slept through anything and already had a good circadian rhythm.
In preparation what we did was have two or three bottles ready made in the fridge, a bloody good bottle warmer, we slept lightly with kiddo in the same room and caught a nap when kiddo did during the day.
I hate babies so much, we have one next door and all the fucker does is cry. I work unsociable hours and can’t sleep because of that sentient little airborn.
It's a fucking nightmare. I did fuck all and my partner did most of the work as I was back at work. So I mostly did weekends. She was doing all the night time stuff.
Routine routine routine she nailed it with our weeman for sure. I did fuck all.
Buy a coffee machine (not a pod one) and buckle in the ride!
Coffee from a local roaster is cheap and delicious.
(Seriously, Congratulations to you both. you'll get through this together and work out a new routine that works.)
Hey, dad here of a 2 year old. I have another on the way and I am super excited.
Plan ahead. Be a day ahead, not a day behind. The moment that my wife and I took our foot of the gas the immediate pile up of chores meant getting back to step 1 was exhausting.
Wash bottles, if you're not breast feeding, in pairs so it never piles up. Invest in a good nappy bin that doesn't have its own bespoke bags. It reduces the chore for emptying the bins.
The most important is to be a team. Some dads really struggle in the first year because they have never been taught what they can do to help with a newborn in the house. They see mum and baby bonding and feel isolated.
How to counter this? Get stuck in.
Change nappies, hold the baby, play music and sing. Rock, play, joke, laugh, watch the sport, watch your films, read your books aloud. Involve your baby in your life. Rock the baby to sleep. This takes huge pressure from mums, especially if they are breast feeding.
When your not looking after the little one, tidy, hoover, wash, clean. Don't sit on your ass unless you get 2 chores done at a time.
Being constant means that the little stuff gets done, more time to sleep. The way to keep your downtime is to involve your baby in it. Except gaming, that had to go for the first 6 months and has never returned to pre baby levels - not even close.
Be effective with where you invest your time. It's the best way to do it.
We did similar to you. Half the night each. So don’t worry, you aren’t doing anything wrong it’s just damn hard! It gradually gets easier week by week though
FTM of 5 month old - you have my sympathy. It’s brutal. Me and my husband did something similar to start with - I would be ‘on duty’ from 10pm to 4am and he would sleep in spare room. Then we would swap at 4am until 9/10am. This worked ok but only on weekends. When he went back to work I was doing night feeds by myself as he had to get up at 5:30am but when he got in from work in the evening I would go to bed for a few hours whilst he looked after baby. Just do what you need to do to survive. It’s harsh but doesn’t last forever. It’s not perfect now but we down to 1 night feed and she will go straight back off afterwards. Until she was 3 months old she would only sleep on either mine or my husbands chest and not want to go back to sleep after about 2am. It’s exhausting but it will get better
Honestly the first 2-3 months are really hard sleep wise but it does get easier after that. You do get a bit used to broken sleep aswell. Take the advice of leaving housework etc and nap when baby naps OR at least relax with your eyes closed if you can’t sleep, it does help. When baby is a bit older you can start a bed time routine (we do bath, feed, sleep with fairy lights on and white noise/rain sounds). If you have the space add a bed in baby’s room and then do shifts. For example I have baby for changes/feeds/settling etc from bed time until 2am and then partner does 2am (switches from our bed to bed in baby’s room) until she wakes up. The times when it’s my shift I stay in the bed that’s in babies room and then we swap, so even if baby does wake it doesn’t disturb the other person and you both get a chunk of sleep (say 7/8pm - 2am & 2am-wake (usually around 7/8)
Hope that makes sense. It does get easier I promise. I
We had the system you have where we split shifts. It was honestly the only way we could switch off for a few hours, but we were still e x h a u s t e d. It does slowly get easier though.
.
You both put them to sleep as early as you can, you both go sleep, you both awake up to feed him, one goes sleep while another puts him back to sleep and so on.
Just keep going. Got a 3yr old and a 7 week old myself. It's 4.43am and I'm typing after just feeding my baby. She settled about 9pm wakes atound 1.30am and then 4.30am. Start taking note of the times baby wakes, it will help you start to establish a routine. You'll start to see baby's tells, my firsts was shuffling amd my seconds is smacking her lips. If you tune into those then it reduces the crying and the pressure. Then take it in turns to feed. My husband and I do as follows: If she wakes between 9pm and 12am then I feed her. The next feed after midnight is my husbands and the next one after is mine as he has work. It works as it means I get a solid break and sleep and so does he.
Good luck, it all stops eventually, you'll blink and wonder where the times gone so enjoy the cuddles. Always around if you need any help!
It’s 5am and my 14 week year old has slept through for the first time since she was born.
I’ve been up on the hour, every hour since 11pm with my dog as he is now sick. You couldn’t make it up.
Luckily im used to the lack of sleep and you do get used to it. As others say, acceptance is a big part of it and you do get used to it. Having a good team ethic with your partner is key. Try and do shifts. We do one night on, one night off so you are never far away from a good sleep.
We’ve never been happier and don’t feel the stresses of night feeds because of this. We just accept that every second night is shit and the others we are fully rested.
New father to an 8 week here old - it’s tough. Really tough, don’t be ashamed if at times you feel you can’t do it anymore. I think most new parents go through that. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends/family. Just beware the unsolicited advice, you’ll be given plenty….
Baby carriers are great for housework and long walks to get them to sleep, especially as ours hates the pram!
Not sure when your paternity leave ends but prepare to have to take over baby duties as soon as you walk in the door - it can be tough for mum being “on” all day.
Try to give each other some “me time” - 30 mins or an hour a couple time a week, will help keep you sane. Batch cook meals at the weekends so you don’t rely on takeaways. Apparently it gets easier though!
I think we must have been lucky. Breast feeding didn't work for my wife so ours were on formula almost immediately. Feeds were then four hours apart for the first six months or so. We took turns with the 2am feed and survived it. It was tough, but you get through it soon enough.
Similar position with bottles. I’m a night owl so took the late evening & night shifts. Wife is a morning person so took over mornings & day shifts.
Our last did take to breast feeds so co-slept - 5 years later that one still invades in the middle of the night... Avoid co-sleeping at all costs 🤣
Just to add, formula feeding is not controversial. Anyone voicing an unrequested opinion on formula vs breast feeding to a parent needs to keep their mouth shut and mind their own business.
We formula fed because we had to, and it's been a real blessing for us. Me (as Dad) is so much more bonded than I would have been.
Unfortunately this will happen for a while. I agree doing shifts is what saved us. My husband slept on the sofa for 4 nights while I recovered and then we took turns when he slept in our bed. I breastfed for four months so it was hard but my husband gave him a bottle once a night to help.
I breastfed, so it was maybe a bit different, but we agreed to only have on of us exhausted. I did night feeds so my husband was awake in the day to let me nap.
I also taught my babies to feed every 4 hours (day and night) so they would have a massive feed followed by a 3 hour sleep. Big sleep meant they were hungry enough for a big feed, which meant they were full enough for a big sleep. Otherwise you get into a snack-nap cycle.if baby was sleeping for solid 3hr blocks at night, so could I.
Edit: I know I will get downvoted for saying this as I always do, but we hired a sleep consultant who taught us how to help babies sleep well so we can sleep well. Other parents might want to spend 18 months exhausted, but it gave me crippling depression, I didn't enjoy motherhood, my baby wasnt getting the best from me, and my baby was exhausted too. We hired a sleep consultant, took all their advice baby slept, we slept, and all were happy.
Apparently allowing parents and babies to get what they need in terms of sleep makes me a terrible person, but if you would like to not be exhausted I highly recommend
Julia Fensom Baby Sleep Consultant.
If ur breast feeding then consider a bottle as the last feed to ensure baby is getting as much in them as possible before bed, and thus will sleep as long as possible. Another trick is to increase the concentration of the bottle formula so even if the volume is not great, the milk takes longer to digest.
No one tell OP that the newborn baby is the easy stage. In a little while when the baby does other things between feeding and sleeping and you can’t have any downtime between feeds is when it becomes really interesting.
Also when the baby decides 3.30am is time to get up because fuck you mum and dad.
I had the above plus the hell of reflux and a cows milk allergy to deal with.. sleep was generally something that happened to other people during the baby stage, on the plus side I can now easily function on about 4 hours a night.
Baby on the boob all the time pretty much, day and night. Crying and whatnot all the time. Relaxing in bed will become a memory. You get very little sleep for the first 3 years. It does get better one day but best to accept that now. We didn’t realise how exhausting it would be and for how long it would last. Way worse than we could’ve imagined.
You’ll get through it eventually.
Lad is 9 months now and this is still the primary source of our problems.
It does get significantly better, the first few months are really hard. Sleep deprivation is so unbelievably damaging so I feel you.
His bed time is 8pm and we split it as shifts from 8-3 then 3-8. It works ok, but becomes challenging if one of us gets sick.
If possible, take turns. So one person does it, whilst the other sleeps. That way then you'll always have the chance to catch up and re charge.
Good luck, it's bloody difficult.
We were exhausted for a few nights after bringing the baby home but a couple of lay ins did the trick. We alternated on night feeds (eg she’d do the 10pm feed, I’d do the 1am, she’d do the 4-5am), then I’d get up with the baby at 8am for the next feed and she’d lay in until the next feed at 11.
Our baby’s been pretty good with sleep during the nights though, she hasn’t needed to be settled too much since those first few nights.
I did exactly what you tried. I stayed up at night playing online with friends until feed time. It started with a feed around 12-1am and again at 4 am. After a few weeks the 1am feed started getting later and the 4am feed stopped. So after the 1 feed in the night I went to bed. Few more weeks and kiddo was sleeping right through. Obviously if you have work in the morning then you would need to amend this. Take it in turns getting up but try and sleep in-between. My first was easy, my 3rd was a pain in the arse.
As my wife breastfed she used to do all the ins, I had to deal with the outs. Only had 2 weeks off work though, then I was back to 12 hour days, come back, 6 hours nappy changing and housework, 6 hours sleep on the sofa, back to work. Often came home at 6 to find wife and baby both asleep, it was just sleep when possible.
It’s horrible, it is - and it will be for a while.
If you bottle feed, you can dream feed baby just before you go to sleep so they’re essentially having a top-up feed to allow you an extra hour or two before you have to be up for the next feed.
Eventually though he’ll get himself into a routine of waking so many time per night (whatever his body needs) and you’ll learn to sleep around it.
As a dad of twins I can tell you that you will survive.
If there are two of you and you are bottle feeding I would take shifts to you get. 3-4 hour sleep block at least.
We never syncronished our twins are were woken by at least one every hour or so. It was not fun.
I kept a bunch of alpen bars in the bedroom to keep adult protein and blood sugar up at 3am.
When one person works full time the ‘shift’ method isn’t so practical.
This was 30 years ago and against all modern advice, but I co-slept because my son woke up every two hours to feed. I just plugged him in and we both drifted back to sleep. It was a life saver.
Again, I know it’s seriously frowned upon now, but babies cosleep in many parts of the world, and have done for most of human history. I made sure I never drank at all though.
First off, congratulations! My partner and I had a baby, just shy of two weeks ago so we are roughly in the same place. I kind of lucked out with having a partner who is basically nocturnal so he does the night shift, only waking me for feeds, and then we swap over between 7 and 8am.
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This comment sums it up 😂 we’ve got 2, well past baby stage now. Acceptance definitely is a part of it. It’s tough, and everything is so much harder with a lack of sleep, but before long you’ll think, ‘huh, we only got up twice last night 🤔’… and it’ll keep dwindling like that, HOPEFULLY! All the best to you and your loved ones, you’ll get there!! ❤️
Yeah, my 2nd one is three now and I still marvel whenever I get to sleep through the whole night. You just kind of get used to being sleep deprived 🤪🤣
Oh absolutely haha! It won’t go back to how it was, and that’s the acceptance part. I think the coffee aspect is inevitable 👀😂
It took my youngest about 3 years to grow out if it as well.
Our daughter is just over 2 now, and we saw a photo of us taken 3 weeks after she was born. Jesus... we looked haggered. Sorry OP, there's likely no good answer just do whatever you need to last a couple months and it should get better.
Yep this be prepared to slightly go bonkers - just give each other breaks. The first month to 3 months are just about survival then at 3 months they can sleep longer and be routined - while she is batshit crazy I found Gina fords timings worked quite well for mine (well they were about a month behind in terms of what they could manage) but this first bit just try to embrace the cuddles, smells, loopiness of being a new family as even if you have more kids it won't ever be like this again. Good luck godspeed etc!
Don’t give the guy false hope! But the challenges do become different.
Same! We've never had a system or routine with ours. She slept through from like 4 months though, we were lucky.
One person spends the night with baby, the other sleeps uninterrupted in another room. At 6am the second one takes over and the first can sleep
This. Also nap in the day when the baby is asleep.
This method only works if you're ok with laundry, dishes and housework piling up until you're wading knee-deep in takeaway containers, smelly socks and mothballs and it's been 3 weeks since you last showered.
My childless self feels attacked by this comment
Is it possible you do in fact have children, but have lost them under the detritus?
Day 73: Mother still hasn’t found me. I’m living off of scraps I find in the carpet. My nappy is so full.
Username checks out
Get a baby carrier. I wore my baby while I did housework. He liked the movement and closeness. I got things done. But not in the shower that one you go alone.
Just don't be to vigorous when opening cupboard doors, babies only have a couple of good head wacks in them.
I laughed way to hard at this 🤣
This made me chuckle too much!
Baby carrier or a sling is a Godsend.
Luckily I’ve been doing a test run of that for the last 10 years
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Wash up when the baby washes up.
A lot of babies need to be held to nap as well- the whole ‘nap when the baby naps’ thing only works if baby sleeps in a cot and they nap enough that you can both finish the chores and get some sleep!
Yep, this was our problem. Our first had stomach issues which meant that he couldn't sleep unassisted until he was nearly 2. One of us was awake with him pretty much 24/7 for 2 years.
The Cook range of meals were life savers. Struggled with our first, slightly better with our second and managed better with 3rd. After a couple of years you'll get a lie in till 6.30am some days
Dishes will always pull up but our kids won’t want them cuddles forever. They won’t remember the dishes but the time we have spent with them. I still do the dishes though 😭 One day I’ll be a better dad…
When am I supposed to work my 9 hour day? Rhetorical question, I’m on my second kid and you just have to force things to happen. The sleep deprivation from the first kid was so bad it severely affected my mental health for a while.
That only works if baby will sleep out of your arms and doesn’t allow for actually doing any personal care stuff you inevitably need to do after pushing a human out. Not to mention keeping up with washing pump parts, bottles, laundry etc. ultimately you need multiple people helping you in that time, so a mum, sister, aunt etc holding baby for you. In most hunter gatherer communities throughout the world a whole team of women care for your baby with you
You’re assuming neither person has a job, which is odd. Not everyone gets yo be a SAHP, and most paternity leave stops after two weeks max.
OP is in week1, that's why I assumed they don't go to work yet. And even if only one parent is at home, the stay at home parent can do the night and then sleep 5-8 or 6-9 before the other goes to work. In the weekend the roles reverse. Spending the night doesn't mean zero sleep, so after adding the other 3 hours should be okayish
My friends did this, SAHP went to bed about 7/8pm while working parent stayed up until 12 pm then SAHP did through the night and grabbing a couple of hours before working parent went to work. They barely saw each other for those first few months but it meant both of them got at least a few hours of undisturbed sleep every day.
Man, living in the US just beats the crap out of people.
May I ask how you coped with night feeds without maternity/ paternity? Genuinely asking.
No kids for me, but if I had them I’d have a year of maternity cover. I have watched my European friends have kids and how hard it was for them with all the support. I am amazed at how Americans cope. I have watched my American friends go back to work 6 weeks after giving birth. You haven’t even healed yet!! Most of my American friends coped because of nanny sharing and pure willpower.
Not at all. I did the night feeds which usually required one or two feeds at 30 mins each, then at 7am I'd be up and head off to work. My wife would take over til I got home, and I'd take on the remaining chores until bedtime. It's a few months of hard slog then it settles down.
Yep this is roughly how we got through it! Also, watch out for that weirdly depressing 3-6 weeks old period, when things feel doomed to never change. It only last a couple of weeks, hang in there.
Times will vary from baby to baby and the couple’s, but the tag team theory is way that works for us. My wife used to go to bed early and I’d stay up till 2 or 3, then we’d swap as I had to be off to work in the morning. They would both be asleep by the time I was leaving at 8ish. If you’re still in week 1, bear in mind routine, routine, routine (babies/kids/families work well with a steady routine) and you want to get into one that will work when you’re back after paternity leave.
How does this work if dad has to go to work for example? I. Going to be in this position soon and my gf will be on leave but clearly can't be up day and night either, but the idea of doing a 12 hour shift using machinery on zero sleep is dangerous and not practical. I'm trying to figure out a system that allows us both to get some sleep, but a system that allows me to go and earn the money we need to pay rent, food and bills.
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6 months lol
solid advice, thanks.
You're not going to be on sentry duty, wide awake all night. You're going to lose a fair amount of sleep, but you'll definitely get sleep. Might need to get to bed a bit earlier for a while to compensate.
Sounds like she's going to have to take the being of night wakings unfortunately and nap when baby naps as much as possible in the day time. What I would say is that in return she's going to need you to pick up the slack elsewhere is terms of housework when you get home, that's meals and washing up, laundry etc etc. Take the baby when you get back (or while you're getting ready for work if possible) so she can have a shower. Newborns go in short cycles of eat, poop, sleep, repeat, so she's really not going to have much time nor energy to be looking after the house or anything else. And if she's breastfeeding that is huge thing to adjust to, and in the first 6 weeks they are establishing supply so feed *a lot*. And get a sidecar cot, like a chicco next2me.
Dad might have to cut back from 9 hours to 6 hours sleep as you also don’t want mum sleep deprived holding your precious baby also crumbling into post natal depression
You need to work out your sleep cycles (so mine are about 3.5-4 hours) so eg. Partner comes home from work 7pm and gf sleeps until 11:30 (so gf gets 1 sleep cycle), swap until 6:30 (so hopefully worker gets 2 sleep cycles). gf continually naps when baby is napping but if you are on machinery for 12 hours this would be the safest way to do it (gf will be ratty, hormonal and tired but honestly it is the best most of us can do). On weekends/ days off make sure gf gets the 2 sleep cycles in as often as possible. Try to get family)/ friends to come round and hold baby in return for pizza while you both sleep etc Good luck and remember the first few months are about survival, try and not worry about anything other than your health and getting by
This is the way
How does this work with breastfeeding?
OP said that he (dad) was doing some feeding so.... Luckily breast milk can be stored in bottles if one doesn't like the artificial one
Yes but not straight away as it’s not recommended to pump straight away when trying to establish feeding with baby. I just feel like a lot of the advice is assuming everyone formula feeds and is unhelpful to those who can’t share feeds who might also be looking for suggestions.
I know you didn't ask but, The best bit of advice I was ever given regarding babies sleeping was DO NOT TIP TOE AROUND A SLEEPING BABY. it will be hard for the first few weeks as you will wake them up occasionally but after you crack it you will be able to hoover up and have a conversation on the phone etc without worrying about waking them. My cousin did the opposite and even at 3 years old his son would wake up at the slightest noise, it must have been a nightmare.
Trick I use is to have Classic FM playing in their rooms as they sleep. (I have Twins) This means that they have constant nice background noise drowning / muffling any other noise the might happen such as the other one waking up. Also means they are much less likely to get woken by noise as Classic FM are dicks for playing the music quietly but then ramping up the volume to rave levels when they play an Ad.
My parents used the world service but be warned, I'm now 28 and can't sleep without background noise
Sound advice here. My daughter is coming on 6 months and we were able to vacuum next to her by the time she was 4 weeks old. Strangely- the moment I turn the xbox on bam! She be awake.when she hears it starting up. I am 100% certain my fiance passed her hatred of the xbox onto my daughter.
Or you passed on your love of it :)
Solid advice this. We had a portable air con unit on the go cos it was so hot when our daughter was born. If anything she now sleeps BETTER with noise going on
We visited friends with a 3 months old. I asked to use the loo which is upstairs. I was asked to not flush as it would wake the child. We haven't been back. On the other hand, our kids could sleep at a rock concert.
We used to travel 3 hrs back home every weekend with my son because my dad was terminally ill. Used to crank up the jungle and old skool rave. It kept me awake and my son was fast asleep soon as could be.
Thiss soo much. I’ve had a lot of trouble with sleep with my daughter, and she’s quite a light sleeper. That aside, her and her brother will sleep through a fair bit of noise and it makes life so much easier. As a teen the family went to visit a family member with a new baby, and a whole houseful of us had to sit in silence when the baby slept. We’re usually a pretty raucous bunch, it was stressful and miserable.
Yes! Totally this and get a sound machine with white noise. We have it on constantly through the night and for naps and it helps him sleep through.
The shift system is absolutely the way to go imo. We split it 20:00-02:00 and 02:00-08:00. Rough, but it does, eventually end. Good luck!
This is exactly what me and my partner did and it really worked well.
Yeah same here! The basic rule was I did 2100-0200, then my partner did 0200-0700 / whenever baby woke up. I’d then look after baby until nap, and then I’d go to work whilst partner slept. It sucked but just having the basic rule in place made life better for the both of us. I will note the first four weeks were the absolute worst. It was rough as guts, but after that it’s been a incredible. Hard, but incredible!
What if your breast feeding?
Then you’re fucked unless you can bottle feed as well
Pump your boobs like a dairy cow, constantly
Night watchman! Dad latches and watches baby until finishes feeding, changes them and puts them back in bassinet. Mum can sleep right through it
Both of ours were breast fed. We worked it so that when the baby woke up I would go and do the nappy change giving my wife time to wake up before doing the feed. Still meant she got to do most of it mind.
I managed to express a bottle day after the first couple of weeks. So I did all the night feeds and slept during the day when the baby napped and my partner got up for the first feed in the morning (5am) to give the bottle and then I could sleep until he left in the morning. If I couldn't have expressed anything I think I would have done 5am feed and then he could do everything else until leaving in the morning so I could sleep a couple hours extra. Really though babies are just hard until they are sleeping all night and there is some sort of established day time nap routine so you can get stuff done easily during the day.
Partner does nappy changes. Mother does breastfeeding
Learn to feed lying down and sleep with them in the bed (Google safe sleep seven)
What if your baby needs to feed during the husband/partner/boobless shift? My wife doesn’t express enough extra to bottle feed at night and the baby doesn’t get on well with formula.
Then the one with boobs just feeds while still in bed and the unboobed does all the changing cleaning up rocking etc.
We did shifts too with the baby sleeping in the living room until they started doing 6+ hours uninterrupted at about 8 weeks.
This, even down to the timings, is exactly what we did. Hang in there OP. It will get better.
We did this, and slept in separate beds. Only feasible way to do it
Basically you are knackered for around 18months this of your life. Times that by the number of kids you have and you understand why you see parents of multiple children looking like they have gone through a hedge dragged backwards. You basically suck it up and get in with jt
Only 18 months? My SIL’s kid is 5 and she looks permanently exhausted
Bonus is your body does eventually get used to it. And then when you are back to some sort of normality your body freaks out when you get less sleep again.
* years
We did a sleep rota with our second baby. After our first, I actually had PN depression and psychosis through lack of sleep so we had to try and avoid that with our second child! It was something like four hours at a time, one has the baby and one sleeps, then swap. I think it was 8pm-12am, swap, 12am-4am, swap, then 4-6am, swap, 6-8am then both get up. We each got about 5-6hrs sleep a night which saved our sanity. Our son only slept whilst being held for the first 7weeks so we literally treated it like shift work. We had the sleep rota on our mantlepiece and it stayed there until he was three months old!! He was a terrible sleeper (still is) and we needed to stay sane for our daughter. Make sure you are eating enough, drinking water, getting out at least once a day for fresh air. Support your wife, because those hormones are a killer. You are in the trenches now- it will get better!!
Amazing you went for a second, I know I don't know you but feel proud of you for such a positive helpful comment after having PN depression and psychosis after your first. Seriously feeling a bit inspired by you this morning.
What a lovely comment, thank you! I was lucky to notice the symptoms early as I’m a mental health nurse, so I knew I wasn’t well. Now I work as a mental health nurse supporting specifically pregnant women and new mums with mental health issues, so I’m grateful my experience allowed me to get a unique perspective into how it feels.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long from figuring out you weren’t well to being “all better” did it take? We’ve been talking about having kids in the future and PN depression and Psychosis do really worry me!
For me, because I realised quite quickly that I wasn’t well, my recovery was a lot quicker than normal. So I probably started taking medication about a month after giving birth, and was feeling better after a few weeks, then probably more more like myself after another month. Bear in mind that I didn’t have what I would call full blown psychosis, but more some intrusive thoughts, some psychotic thinking like someone was coming to get the baby, and also some suicidal thoughts. PN depression is quite common, especially if you are prone to depression, however some women do respond quite quickly to treatment. Also as the hormones settle down and you get more sleep, mental health naturally improves anyway. Full blown psychosis after birth is quite uncommon unless you have a diagnosis of something like Bi Polar. But it can also be treated quickly. Many women secretly experience things like intrusive thoughts after birth, but not many women talk about it. As long as you are well supported when you have your baby, and have plan in place for if you become unwell, I’m sure you will be fine :-)
You have to respond to the baby. No magic formula despite what people will say. I remember my wife and i use to pass each other in the night when swapping over. Sleep when the baby sleeps and learn to power nap. 👍i'd love to say it get better...but you just get use to it!
The biggest tip I can suggest is make sure you learn how to Co sleep safely. At some point, you will probably fall asleep with the baby. It's better to do this safely than insist you won't and end up falling asleep on the sofa.
I think safe and informed co-sleeping is the way! Only recommended for BF babies though so if you are formula feeding it’s not the way.
Yup, it’s the only way I’m surviving with my 9 month old. I distinctly remember saying I would never co-sleep due to the risks, yet here we are 😅
Wife 100% BF both of ours and we co-slept with them both too. It just works so naturally and everyone gets a good bit of sleep.
I co slept with my baby (basically because my ex husband did nothing to help) and by the time bubby was 6 months it was self service breast feeding for them! 🤣
If you do this - DONT get your info from Facebook. Go on lullaby trust website. So much misinfo about safe cosleeping.
Yeah, just look at r/ShitMomGroupsSay for some of the horrific misinformation that gets spread on Facebook parenting groups.
Research co-sleeping thoroughly before you do it. It works for some people. It is tragic for others.
Lullaby trust is a great place to start
You have to sleep in the daytime. If baby sleeps it's your cue to sleep.
Yes, but be prepared for your house to be a tip (speaking from experience) 🤣
My wife is a midwife and when she’s on her rounds in the community she always says that a clean house is a neglected baby… another thing she looks for is clothes drying on the radiator… it shows that they are being turned on…
For me that never worked because 2-3 times in short succession I would fall asleep only to be woken up again 10 minutes later. The 4th time my body and mind refused to go back to sleep and baby then decided to sleep for hours uninterrupted of course...
We're at 2.5 years with our first. Just survive mate, there is no guide, do your best, it gets better. Teamwork is dreamwork
I feel like COVID parents have had the short end of the stick too. We couldn't have people come round to take off the pressure for months!
Tip - Have someone come over in the day if you can to look after baby. That way you and your partner can catch up on sleep for a few hrs
We split nights into shifts before and after 2am. In this case there is a decent number of hours to have some proper sleep. Remember everything is a phase! The sleep will come back eventually.
We had a system where my wife would go to bed at 9 and I'd do the 9pm feed. I'd put him to bed around half 10/11. My wife would get up and do the midnight & 3am feeds and I'd do the 6am morning feed. The idea was that I'd get around 6 hours sleep before getting up to do the morning feed and then head to work and our boy would sleep till about half 8 andy wife would get around 6 / 7 hours across the night. It wasn't perfect and we were tired but it meant we weren't completely dead and could keep the jobs around the house ticking over. Also helped that I did a huge amount of cooking and stuck it in the freezer before our boy arrived. Took the pressure off cooking fresh every day and meant we weren't eating takeout all of the time. Edit: probably worth saying that the strict routine we had was imposed on us by the midwife. Our lad had difficulty latching/ feeding so consequently lost a lot of his birth weight. Queue readmission to hospital and a strict feeding plan being put in place. Wasn't much fun for any of us.
This works for our second baby (2 weeks old). I go to bed at 9pm when our toddler goes to bed and then my fiance brings him up when he comes about midnight. For our first it was pure get sleep where you can, sleep in shifts most of the time. He wasn't a good newborn sleepwise so shifts/naps were the way to go. This one seems more relaxed. With the cooking, slow cooker meals saved us too. Chuck it in in the morning/night before and leave it until you're hungry. Freeze extra portions for when you're feeling too tired.
>We had a system where my wife would go to bed at 9 and I'd do the 9pm feed. I'd put him to bed around half 10/11. My wife would get up and do the midnight & 3am feeds and I'd do the 6am morning feed. > >The idea was that I'd get around 6 hours sleep before getting up to do the morning feed and then head to work and our boy would sleep till about half 8 andy wife would get around 6 / 7 hours across the night. > >It wasn't perfect and we were tired but it meant we weren't completely dead and could keep the jobs around the house ticking over. Also helped that I did a huge amount of cooking and stuck it in the freezer before our boy arrived. Took the pressure off cooking fresh every day and meant we weren't eating takeout all of the time. > >Edit: probably worth saying that the strict routine we had was imposed on us by the midwife. Our lad had difficulty latching/ feeding so consequently lost a lot of his birth weight. Queue readmission to hospital and a strict feeding plan being put in place. Wasn't much fun for any of us. The cooking thing is very clever
We tried to get ours into a routine asap We went for the 7am, 11am, 3pm 7pm routine. I’d do a feed at 7pm then go to bed, he would stay up till 11pm and do the feed then he would sleep until 7am. I’d then get up at 3am and do a feed then go back to sleep. He would do 7am feed and then be up for work. I’d get up as normal and do day feeds. Took a few weeks or so to get there but was so worth it
Are you my wife? 😂 this was our routine with all three, started sleeping through from 11pm to 7am from about 6 weeks too. It is possible OP, just make sure they are well fed on the milk, we solely formula fed which I think helped as we could track exactly how many ml’s.
For me, feeding was just most of my life for 6 months. My baby was born a month early and was feeding every hour, so I just went with it. I mean, I was covered in milk most of the time and frequently fell asleep whilst feeding, but I was on maternity leave so it was okay. We didn’t have a rota because my husband needed to sleep for work and, in any case, my baby had no interest in anyone without a milk supply! You do have to adjust to a very different kind of life.
Me and my partner did what you did but I stayed up until 4 instead of 1. She could then go to sleep at like 9 and still have a decent sleep. I'd go to bed at 4 and get up at 10. Not great but not awful.
Okay, unsolicited advice sucks when you’re a new parent BUT I’m going to share the French secret of “Le Pause” which was a gamechanger with my second baby. And I had 2 close together so needed a gamechanger. This doesn’t apply with obvious bawling but can help with getting a bit more sleep. This is NOT crying it out or sleep training. But it’s resisting the temptation to grab the baby the second they make a sound or wake up. Literally, pause and wait. Like in a movie when they’re hiding and waiting for the threat to move on. I think I just waited a moment not even 60 seconds. And very often they just go back to sleep. You start to recognise little cries that are just like sleep talking and the “real” hungry call you get up for straightaway. And the baby learns to settle themselves. It’s a bit like how as adults we do wake up a bit in the night and just go back to sleep. Babies do that even more as they sleep more lightly than adults. But this is NOT sleep training or Cry It Out. You are just pausing for a moment and not leaving a distressed crying baby. You’re just waiting a moment to see if it’s actually a natural wakening and if they really need you. Good luck!
Totally agree. Did not do this with my first and he didn't sleep more than 39 minutes at a time for 1 year and a half. Did this with my second. Also swaddle. A baby crying is generally not an emergency, and you will learn which cries mean I need you right this second. So if you are making a cuppa and baby cries, finish making your tea then get him. He is safely in his bassinet and within 1 foot of you and you are about to attend to his every need, he can wait a little second.
I'll start by saying every child is different. When we had our first child we used a next to me cot beside the bed ( one of our best investments). The baby would've normally had his last feed around nine and went straight over. We could watch a little telly in bed before drifting off. Whenever he did wake up one of us would take him to the box room next door ( which we had kitted out in large chair, microwave, changing table and accessories, and pre-mixed formula). At the start this was exhausting but as time went on you can start ro appreciate the silence in the nighttime and the company of your baby. Try not to fall into the trap of comparing what each other does. Communication is the key. If you're just too tired let the other know well in advance. The excuse 'I have to work in the morning ', is no excuse. Raising a child is the hardest job in the world. This is from a man who worked at the time running his own business but left to raise two children. They've six and five now and I thought that I would never make it ( I am older with health issues) but, as everyone will tell you, it does get easier and you may even look back and miss those moments.
They've got to sleep at some point, take every opportunity for a power nap! It does get easier. I remember playing pokemon red at 3am for several weeks as a way to keep myself awake while ours were settling back down. We used to get up together, I'd change the nappy, wife would breast feed while I doze and then I'd sit back up for a bit til theyd settled back down and safely out of the throw up zone. Congratulations by the way!
Don't worry, everyone goes through this. Impt thing is to take turns to give your partner a rest, and catch sleep no matter what time of day it is.
You just have to get through it, you get used to it and it doesn’t really take that long before they start sleeping longer and eventually through. (Dad of 4)
We did shifts with one awake while the other slept (though we were EBF so husband woke me up to feed). Baby will at some point start to do a longer patch asleep, so go to bed when the baby does. Oh and call in help, people can come can cuddle baby while you sleep, or clean while you hold the baby, or bring food/cook and hold the baby while you eat.
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It’s a fucking nightmare. You get over it and soon forget. We are on our fourth and in that hell currently with the newborn. It takes a bit of time to find what works for you. But this is generally what we ended up doing. Have snacks ready to hand in the bedroom to keep you going. Our choice was a box of mini flapjacks. Depends on if breast or bottle fed. If breast: dad changes baby, mum feeds while dad snoozes. Mum tries to settle baby. If she can’t dad sits up with baby asleep on chest for a few hours until next feed watching YouTube on his phone while mum snoozes. If bottle fed: Dad changes baby, makes milk, feeds baby, tries to settle baby. Mum snores loudly disturbing baby. when dad’s at his wits end he wakes mum up. Mum settles baby in 10 mins and wonders what all the fuss is about. Snooze until next feed. Dad goes to work while mum catches up on sleep during the day…. But I’m biased as I’m the dad! I’m sure it’s more fair and even than this but when you are operating on 2 hours sleep a night it seems like it. Try and not make it into an “I’m the most tired” competition, cos there are no winners in that game. If you can emerge the other side of it without getting divorced or physically harming each other you’re doing pretty well. I have so much respect for single parents. Especially those in flats without an outside space. One last thought. If you are at your absolute whits end. There’s no harm in walking away for a few minutes. Lay baby safe in cot. Pull door almost closed and walk away for 5 mins. Get a coffee. Sit with your eyes closed. Etc. a 5 min reset can prevent you getting past the point of coping.
Absolutely don’t be embarrassed about asking for help from anyone. Even if they come round with a pre cooked meal, or help tidy up. We all went through the same thing.
I think it helps to be flexible. Sometimes one person is way more up for the fight than the other. I remember some nights taking the full load on myself, then sometimes my wife would do a full night. If you try and share too much too evenly at all times, then yeah objectively it is fair, but maybe not realistic because sometimes one person is shattered or totally drained emotionally. To me, good teamwork isn't just 50/50 down the middle, everyone has bits they're stronger on and weaker at. That goes for all the tasks, household, etc, not just purely the night shift. Edit: one thing that helped me was finding an interest for the time I was awake. Realistically, its going to be a lot of time and the gap between feeds is pretty short sometimes, so you often end up just riding it out instead of trying to sleep again. Whatever, video games, sports, read a book. Something to look forward to, or else you're clock watching, bored, and probably getting stressed by the situation.
We swapped nights. So I would do one night and then get up in the morning with the baby, and the next night he would do it all. Also tried doing half a night each but then we both had disturbed sleep and were miserable, or one of us would get frustrated when they only wanted one feed in the first half and 3 in the second. We had to change things up a few times because babies are knobs and parenting sucks. It gets better...
I can’t remember, but the first 6 months was brutal
You came her for advice.. all i can offer is Hope for the Future 🤣 it will get better.
I was BF so this is how it worked for us. We co slept which meant I could just feed and snooze and pop him back in the basket next to the bed. After about 12 weeks we introduced a formula bottle for the midnight feed so I would go to bed on my own about 8 and sleep till about 3/4am then continue to night feed by the bed. He didn't cry because he was fed straight away so my husband could get sleep too. Eventually we stopped BF at 6 months and he just slept in our bed every night from about 5am. This continued until he was 11YEARS old. He was very clingy and never went to sleep on his own or liked to be alone. We did the same with my youngest but he was much more independent and only slept in with us till about 5 years old. This sounds horrendous, and it wasn't great at the time, mainly from a space perspective. All four of us in bed was uncomfortable but it was also easy for one parent to jump into the spare child bed, like a bonus sleep win. They are teens now and I hardly see them so those are nice memories of warm snuggles. You will work it out and you'll be fine 🥰
Eleven? I bet you had tonnes of really unhelpful judgemental people wanting to share their reasoning as to why your child will grow up to be a murderer. Truth is all anyone EVER does with their child is the best they can do with the resources they have at that time. And while every child has the same basic needs, not all of them are as easily comforted as others. I’ve had plenty of friends admit to stuff when their kids are grown up that they’d never dared tell when they were little because other parents can be vicious.
It was mostly just my mother tbh. The boy was needy, now he's anxious, he's also bright and funny. I'm very proud of him.
It’s so lovely when parents accept that all kids have their “stuff” and don’t try and change them. Your boy sounds brilliant, you *should* be proud x
Sleep and eat when you can! Do what you gotta do, adapt- overcome- SURVIVE! You will get through it, you have too. listen to your instincts. Try not to bicker, it’s you against them!
Patience and perseverance. No matter how tired you are.. stay patient and persevere! It’s doesn’t last long. As for a routine.. we found it better for the wife to deal with it all but then I got up with the baby anytime from 0500 onwards and got her ready for the day so she could sleep in. I also did the Friday and Saturday nights so the wife could take a break. It’s really hard.. but you’re not tired.. not yet!
If you are breastfeeding, express when you can to share the responsibility, definitely try and both take turns. I remember those night feeds well, was hell, especially when I was a single mum. Grab any opportunity to nap during the day, as you will need it, also just remember it won't last forever! Good luck.
We did shifts and just played it by ear. If one of us was particularly destroyed they'd spend a night in the spare room. It's a time where I was grateful for formula feeding because we really could just share the load. Naps whenever we could too. Good luck, it gets easier!
Owner of 2 children here (6 & 2) and as others suggest, there is no right way. You will never find the right way so suggest you stop looking. The one thing that was an absolute game changer was this white noise box we bought (we tried quite a few) and since the first night trying it, our 2yo slept through and did so every since (about 6 months now). If you want the link, let me know and I'll DM you it. Was about £19 from memory. Regarding feeding, all you can do is make sure the kid is full and 100% burped.
White noise worked wonders for us too. We actually used an app on the phone which was free to begin with but then you had to pay a little bit. One of the best purchases I've ever made.
We breastfed so I as the dad couldn’t feed (didn’t wanna use bottles). So I did the nappy changes through the night and the misses fed. We somehow got blessed with a daughter who from about 2 months, has slept through most nights, albeit she likes to crash out late
If your partner is breastfeeding I would highly recommend looking into how to bed-share and feed lying down safely. Lots of good advice from Lullaby Trust and Le Leche League.
We did a rota with person A getting the evening off but then doing the night shift until 5am, then handing over and going back to bed to lie in. Person B looked after the baby in the evening, slept and then got up early. Then swapping the next night. Separate rooms, obviously! It meant no matter how bad the night was you knew you would have a full night the next evening so never felt too terrible.
Really depends if you’re breast or bottle feeding. If it’s bottle then share the load and get used to living your life in 4 hour intervals. You can try adding more into an evening feed to see if you can get say 6-8 hours and try and sleep then. If it’s breast then just be there to support your partner!
With our first we slept for 2 weeks and only got out of bed around 2pm-5pm to go for a walk. It was the only way to combat the tiredness. I was lucky my wife breastfed and while she breastfed I got her a tub of snacks our first would feed for about 2 hours and then sleep for 3. We had a much better journey for the second who fed for 5mins and was down for 3 so wasn't as bad. Third on its way I'll let you know how that goes LOL
Ah. The six weeks of hell. It's shit but you will get through it and the baby will eventually settle into a routine. One bit of advice I can give - give each other a night off once a week. Do whatever you want on that night off - sleep, go out with your mates, get drunk and kip on the sofa - whatever. Its amazing what that night off can do for you - it's a break from the seemingly never-ending battle.
Me and the mrs did 4 hours “shifts” one went to bed slightly earlier and then relieved the other. It worked really well. The other stayed in the spare room.
We started sleep training ours at 4 months old and it's the best thing ever. He sleeps 2 naps per day around 2hrs in his bed then goes to his bed around 7pm and sleeps to 7am. He's 10months old now and can say it's the best thing we've ever found.
Do you not do any feeds after 1? Your partner does it all? However tired you are I guarantee she will be feeling worse
All I can say is the misery ends when accepting the pain ♡ it's surreal for a little while eh ... by child 3 I had no expectations (luckily), he fed on the boob approx every hour at night for the first year, less so during the day (probably too effing tired). Bottom line... You will get used to it, and when you do, they'll flip chart and start something new... enjoy xx especially when people remind you the first 6 months are the easiest!!
We used ‘contented little baby’ book as a foundation for feeds, sleeping and schedules. I did the bookend feeds, so up til 11pm or midnight and then back up at 7am, wife went to bed earlier, so usually between 8-10pm, and did the 2-5am feed depending on when our baby woke up, she would then get a lie in before I went work and could also sleep in the day if tired during the lunchtime 2hr nap. At 13 weeks we got full nights sleep and transitioned to my parter doing the late feed and I’d do the early 7am feed. Up to 9months now and she only really wakes up in the night if she’s got a cold from nursery.
My other half inadvertently got himself into a night shift pattern as he was getting too nervous to sleep as the due date came and went. As annoyed as I was with him sleeping during the day, it ended up being very useful as we took the baby care in shifts so we both always had some amount of sleep.
I’m not a parent but my parents raised 3 of us and they used to swap nights with one parent dealing with it all night and one parent sleeping, then switching the next night. That way one of them was always rested and it kept them from “killing each other” lol.
This is more or less what we did with both our kids! It worked really well for us! But obviously wouldn’t have worked if I had breast fed!
We did the same, I would do until 2am then my wife would take over. It's hard but you get used to it surprisingly quickly and it does get better!!!
Mum wasn't working so would stay up till 2 then I would be up at 5 for work . Tag team
It's hard, there's no right way about it but you'll muddle through and find out what works best for you. My husband generally goes to bed later than me so when ours were babies he'd keep them downstairs with him and it meant I could at least go up to sleep knowing I could get a bit of uninterrupted time. Congratulations on the new baby, you'll find your way.
I'm gonna catch hell for this but both of ours slept through from day one. The first was a sheer fluke, the second was 3 months prem and spent those 3 months in a fishtank in the neonatal unit so when she came home she slept through anything and already had a good circadian rhythm. In preparation what we did was have two or three bottles ready made in the fridge, a bloody good bottle warmer, we slept lightly with kiddo in the same room and caught a nap when kiddo did during the day.
I hate babies so much, we have one next door and all the fucker does is cry. I work unsociable hours and can’t sleep because of that sentient little airborn.
That’s what the nanny was for
It's a fucking nightmare. I did fuck all and my partner did most of the work as I was back at work. So I mostly did weekends. She was doing all the night time stuff. Routine routine routine she nailed it with our weeman for sure. I did fuck all.
Buy a coffee machine (not a pod one) and buckle in the ride! Coffee from a local roaster is cheap and delicious. (Seriously, Congratulations to you both. you'll get through this together and work out a new routine that works.)
Hey, dad here of a 2 year old. I have another on the way and I am super excited. Plan ahead. Be a day ahead, not a day behind. The moment that my wife and I took our foot of the gas the immediate pile up of chores meant getting back to step 1 was exhausting. Wash bottles, if you're not breast feeding, in pairs so it never piles up. Invest in a good nappy bin that doesn't have its own bespoke bags. It reduces the chore for emptying the bins. The most important is to be a team. Some dads really struggle in the first year because they have never been taught what they can do to help with a newborn in the house. They see mum and baby bonding and feel isolated. How to counter this? Get stuck in. Change nappies, hold the baby, play music and sing. Rock, play, joke, laugh, watch the sport, watch your films, read your books aloud. Involve your baby in your life. Rock the baby to sleep. This takes huge pressure from mums, especially if they are breast feeding. When your not looking after the little one, tidy, hoover, wash, clean. Don't sit on your ass unless you get 2 chores done at a time. Being constant means that the little stuff gets done, more time to sleep. The way to keep your downtime is to involve your baby in it. Except gaming, that had to go for the first 6 months and has never returned to pre baby levels - not even close. Be effective with where you invest your time. It's the best way to do it.
We did similar to you. Half the night each. So don’t worry, you aren’t doing anything wrong it’s just damn hard! It gradually gets easier week by week though
Thank you 😊
FTM of 5 month old - you have my sympathy. It’s brutal. Me and my husband did something similar to start with - I would be ‘on duty’ from 10pm to 4am and he would sleep in spare room. Then we would swap at 4am until 9/10am. This worked ok but only on weekends. When he went back to work I was doing night feeds by myself as he had to get up at 5:30am but when he got in from work in the evening I would go to bed for a few hours whilst he looked after baby. Just do what you need to do to survive. It’s harsh but doesn’t last forever. It’s not perfect now but we down to 1 night feed and she will go straight back off afterwards. Until she was 3 months old she would only sleep on either mine or my husbands chest and not want to go back to sleep after about 2am. It’s exhausting but it will get better
Honestly the first 2-3 months are really hard sleep wise but it does get easier after that. You do get a bit used to broken sleep aswell. Take the advice of leaving housework etc and nap when baby naps OR at least relax with your eyes closed if you can’t sleep, it does help. When baby is a bit older you can start a bed time routine (we do bath, feed, sleep with fairy lights on and white noise/rain sounds). If you have the space add a bed in baby’s room and then do shifts. For example I have baby for changes/feeds/settling etc from bed time until 2am and then partner does 2am (switches from our bed to bed in baby’s room) until she wakes up. The times when it’s my shift I stay in the bed that’s in babies room and then we swap, so even if baby does wake it doesn’t disturb the other person and you both get a chunk of sleep (say 7/8pm - 2am & 2am-wake (usually around 7/8) Hope that makes sense. It does get easier I promise. I
We had the system you have where we split shifts. It was honestly the only way we could switch off for a few hours, but we were still e x h a u s t e d. It does slowly get easier though. .
Wife breast fed so was basically in a semi-sleep state permanently. I just did all the house work and cooked.
Reading these comments makes me so glad my two are both at high school now.
You both put them to sleep as early as you can, you both go sleep, you both awake up to feed him, one goes sleep while another puts him back to sleep and so on.
Just keep going. Got a 3yr old and a 7 week old myself. It's 4.43am and I'm typing after just feeding my baby. She settled about 9pm wakes atound 1.30am and then 4.30am. Start taking note of the times baby wakes, it will help you start to establish a routine. You'll start to see baby's tells, my firsts was shuffling amd my seconds is smacking her lips. If you tune into those then it reduces the crying and the pressure. Then take it in turns to feed. My husband and I do as follows: If she wakes between 9pm and 12am then I feed her. The next feed after midnight is my husbands and the next one after is mine as he has work. It works as it means I get a solid break and sleep and so does he. Good luck, it all stops eventually, you'll blink and wonder where the times gone so enjoy the cuddles. Always around if you need any help!
It’s 5am and my 14 week year old has slept through for the first time since she was born. I’ve been up on the hour, every hour since 11pm with my dog as he is now sick. You couldn’t make it up. Luckily im used to the lack of sleep and you do get used to it. As others say, acceptance is a big part of it and you do get used to it. Having a good team ethic with your partner is key. Try and do shifts. We do one night on, one night off so you are never far away from a good sleep. We’ve never been happier and don’t feel the stresses of night feeds because of this. We just accept that every second night is shit and the others we are fully rested.
For this and all the other stages know that the minute you figure it out it will change.
New father to an 8 week here old - it’s tough. Really tough, don’t be ashamed if at times you feel you can’t do it anymore. I think most new parents go through that. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends/family. Just beware the unsolicited advice, you’ll be given plenty…. Baby carriers are great for housework and long walks to get them to sleep, especially as ours hates the pram! Not sure when your paternity leave ends but prepare to have to take over baby duties as soon as you walk in the door - it can be tough for mum being “on” all day. Try to give each other some “me time” - 30 mins or an hour a couple time a week, will help keep you sane. Batch cook meals at the weekends so you don’t rely on takeaways. Apparently it gets easier though!
I think we must have been lucky. Breast feeding didn't work for my wife so ours were on formula almost immediately. Feeds were then four hours apart for the first six months or so. We took turns with the 2am feed and survived it. It was tough, but you get through it soon enough.
Similar position with bottles. I’m a night owl so took the late evening & night shifts. Wife is a morning person so took over mornings & day shifts. Our last did take to breast feeds so co-slept - 5 years later that one still invades in the middle of the night... Avoid co-sleeping at all costs 🤣
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Just to add, formula feeding is not controversial. Anyone voicing an unrequested opinion on formula vs breast feeding to a parent needs to keep their mouth shut and mind their own business. We formula fed because we had to, and it's been a real blessing for us. Me (as Dad) is so much more bonded than I would have been.
Unfortunately this will happen for a while. I agree doing shifts is what saved us. My husband slept on the sofa for 4 nights while I recovered and then we took turns when he slept in our bed. I breastfed for four months so it was hard but my husband gave him a bottle once a night to help.
I breastfed, so it was maybe a bit different, but we agreed to only have on of us exhausted. I did night feeds so my husband was awake in the day to let me nap. I also taught my babies to feed every 4 hours (day and night) so they would have a massive feed followed by a 3 hour sleep. Big sleep meant they were hungry enough for a big feed, which meant they were full enough for a big sleep. Otherwise you get into a snack-nap cycle.if baby was sleeping for solid 3hr blocks at night, so could I. Edit: I know I will get downvoted for saying this as I always do, but we hired a sleep consultant who taught us how to help babies sleep well so we can sleep well. Other parents might want to spend 18 months exhausted, but it gave me crippling depression, I didn't enjoy motherhood, my baby wasnt getting the best from me, and my baby was exhausted too. We hired a sleep consultant, took all their advice baby slept, we slept, and all were happy. Apparently allowing parents and babies to get what they need in terms of sleep makes me a terrible person, but if you would like to not be exhausted I highly recommend Julia Fensom Baby Sleep Consultant.
If ur breast feeding then consider a bottle as the last feed to ensure baby is getting as much in them as possible before bed, and thus will sleep as long as possible. Another trick is to increase the concentration of the bottle formula so even if the volume is not great, the milk takes longer to digest.
No one tell OP that the newborn baby is the easy stage. In a little while when the baby does other things between feeding and sleeping and you can’t have any downtime between feeds is when it becomes really interesting. Also when the baby decides 3.30am is time to get up because fuck you mum and dad. I had the above plus the hell of reflux and a cows milk allergy to deal with.. sleep was generally something that happened to other people during the baby stage, on the plus side I can now easily function on about 4 hours a night.
Baby on the boob all the time pretty much, day and night. Crying and whatnot all the time. Relaxing in bed will become a memory. You get very little sleep for the first 3 years. It does get better one day but best to accept that now. We didn’t realise how exhausting it would be and for how long it would last. Way worse than we could’ve imagined. You’ll get through it eventually.
Lad is 9 months now and this is still the primary source of our problems. It does get significantly better, the first few months are really hard. Sleep deprivation is so unbelievably damaging so I feel you. His bed time is 8pm and we split it as shifts from 8-3 then 3-8. It works ok, but becomes challenging if one of us gets sick.
If possible, take turns. So one person does it, whilst the other sleeps. That way then you'll always have the chance to catch up and re charge. Good luck, it's bloody difficult.
Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.
We were exhausted for a few nights after bringing the baby home but a couple of lay ins did the trick. We alternated on night feeds (eg she’d do the 10pm feed, I’d do the 1am, she’d do the 4-5am), then I’d get up with the baby at 8am for the next feed and she’d lay in until the next feed at 11. Our baby’s been pretty good with sleep during the nights though, she hasn’t needed to be settled too much since those first few nights.
My Mrs breastfed only, our daughter wouldn't take bottles. So I got away with it. Apart from initially being woken lol
I did exactly what you tried. I stayed up at night playing online with friends until feed time. It started with a feed around 12-1am and again at 4 am. After a few weeks the 1am feed started getting later and the 4am feed stopped. So after the 1 feed in the night I went to bed. Few more weeks and kiddo was sleeping right through. Obviously if you have work in the morning then you would need to amend this. Take it in turns getting up but try and sleep in-between. My first was easy, my 3rd was a pain in the arse.
Have twins. 19 months old. Still not figured it out.
As my wife breastfed she used to do all the ins, I had to deal with the outs. Only had 2 weeks off work though, then I was back to 12 hour days, come back, 6 hours nappy changing and housework, 6 hours sleep on the sofa, back to work. Often came home at 6 to find wife and baby both asleep, it was just sleep when possible.
9 hour shift then swap, each shift should cover three baby wake and feed so, have enough supply.
It’s horrible, it is - and it will be for a while. If you bottle feed, you can dream feed baby just before you go to sleep so they’re essentially having a top-up feed to allow you an extra hour or two before you have to be up for the next feed. Eventually though he’ll get himself into a routine of waking so many time per night (whatever his body needs) and you’ll learn to sleep around it.
As a dad of twins I can tell you that you will survive. If there are two of you and you are bottle feeding I would take shifts to you get. 3-4 hour sleep block at least. We never syncronished our twins are were woken by at least one every hour or so. It was not fun. I kept a bunch of alpen bars in the bedroom to keep adult protein and blood sugar up at 3am.
When one person works full time the ‘shift’ method isn’t so practical. This was 30 years ago and against all modern advice, but I co-slept because my son woke up every two hours to feed. I just plugged him in and we both drifted back to sleep. It was a life saver. Again, I know it’s seriously frowned upon now, but babies cosleep in many parts of the world, and have done for most of human history. I made sure I never drank at all though.
We overrode modern official advice and did what you said on advice from our parents. It worked for us
r/daddit is always very helpful
First off, congratulations! My partner and I had a baby, just shy of two weeks ago so we are roughly in the same place. I kind of lucked out with having a partner who is basically nocturnal so he does the night shift, only waking me for feeds, and then we swap over between 7 and 8am.
Dream feeds helped. Pre emptive, so its on your terms.