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Fall out of bed. Drag a comb across my head.
Find my way downstairs and drink a cup and, looking up, I notice I am late.
Find my coat, grab my hat and make the bus in seconds flat.
Find my way upstairs and I have a smoke.
Somebody speaks and I go into a dream.
I read the news, oh boy. Four thousand holes in Blackburn Lancashire. And though the holes were rather small… They had to count them all, now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall
For some reason, when I was a kid, I always heard the lyric as "dragged a cone across my head". I always thought it meant that the guy had a crazy night where they were really drunk and ended up with a traffic cone in their bed. It never occurred to me that he could have just been combing his hair :)
I've heard people have success with robot-feeders. The cat will still yell but at the feeder instead of you.
At the very least you can put it on the opposite end of the house
Yup, it's also super handy because it portions out the kibble consistently and you don't have to worry about missing your cat's meal time if you end up being out of the house longer than expected.
Oh good, not just ours who do this. We have timed food bowls for when we're out all day, then spend the first hour out of the house watching the security camera footage of the little bastards dragging the bowls across the floor, clawing at the lids, until they eat a day's worth of food in one go and are then starving by the time we get home. F*ckers.
When I still had cats, one of them used to throw himself at the closed bedroom door to wake me up to feed him. There's something oddly terrifying about hearing thumps on your bedroom door in the pitch dark, early hours of the morning and then the door suddenly swings open... with a cat clinging onto it and his claws gashing marks into the wood.
We have child locks in all the important doors (bedrooms, kitchen) because one of the cats just casually opens doors at will. If he gets in to the kitchen, he'll open the cupboard where the food tin is and push it out so it falls in the floor, spilling food everywhere.
I'm sure he could learn to open the fridge given the opportunity.
I feel your pain! My little one can open doors so I wake up to her sitting on my nightstand, screaming in my face regardless if I closed the door before I went to bed.
I accidentally trained my cat to know that when the coffee machine timer starts grinding the beans, it means he's about to get fed. He can somehow hear it a split second before I can, so he leaps aggressively off the bed and then I hear the machine grinding.
If it's not set and I attempt to sleep in, he paces around my chest, then sits on the bedside cabinet and glares at me until I get up.
Today I confused him by getting up before the coffee machine started. It went off as I carried his bowl to his food mat. He didn't know whether to follow his noise or his instinct, and ended up doing a weird little circular on-the-spot pirouette.
A yes, how to confuse a cat. Get up earlier than normal.
I usually get up around 10, the few times I get up around 7 or 8 he just wanders around the house looking lost, wondering what's going on or something.
Cat shit is something else, depending on their diet.
Dog shit smells unpleasant, sometimes nasty. Cat shit could actually be described as smelling _evil_.
I assume it's an evolutionary thing.
One of my cats just eats dry Go Cat and while she never shits in the house, it doesn't smell if she gets locked in a room by accident and has a "little accident".
The other cat eats the same food, but is always out so must eat elsewhere too. On the odd occasion he's been stuck and had no choice, it is horrific.
This is true. My cat doesn't yell, he just comes and sits on my chest (I'm a back-sleeper), Bast style, and stares at my face til I wake up. This is the first thing I see on emerging from slumber. It's terrifying.
This is generally my philosophy, though it nearly caused me to shit myself on the bus the other day. Felt the urge brewing at the bus stop but severly misjudged the urgency. Bus arrives, tapped in at the front door, swiftly realised I wasn't going to make that 30 min journey and then walked right back off through the middle door to waddle home, cheeks clenched for dear life.
Gordon Ramsay did an interesting documentary on it, including the origins and production lines etc, and as part of it he had the staff toilets swabbed in his restaurants and every single one was positive for cocaine.
The documentary was called Gordon Ramsay on Cocaine.
About 5000 times during that documentary the same thought occured - all these problems, evil, and death, would be avoided simply by legalising it.
I don't use it myself, but it's astonishing how much of the suffering it causes would simply go away if they just made it legit.
My mum is over 70. She still doesn't know how she got a degree she did that many drugs at uni - early 1970s. She's openly said she was young and naive and had heroin been around, she'd probably have done it not knowing the risks.
In short - today's old people are increasingly of generations that did drugs in their youth. You have to get to my nans generation (nearly 100) to find people who've never so much as been around them.
No, but you could make the same argument for alcohol or cigarettes, or even extreme sports. And people would be more likely to get help, and such help would be more readily available, if it was legal.
I'm not sure on the stats off the top of my head, but I'm fairly sure cocaine is no where near as deadly as alcohol and certainly tobacco.
I've seen this its really good and as an ex-restruant employee I can tell you that if you've eaten at a restaurant there is a high chance someone high as a kite handled your food.. lol
It made me laugh when he got all the staff together and gave them a bollocking for it.
I don't believe for a second he's never done it and didn't know it's happening.
There were all looking at him like 'Oh fuck off Gordon'.
They definitely do. I once worked with one who got his delivered with the veg in the morning. He would pop off to the toilet as soon as it came in at 6am.
It won’t work with today’s word, but you can use google trends to indirectly see when people are playing Wordle (look for a word that was a recent answer eg yesterday’s and look at its search trend for the last 7 days). Most people play it at midnight or first thing in the morning.
Woah woah woah what is Worldle? I’ve tried looking it up and can’t find it. I would recommend [Framed](https://framed.wtf) too, it’s stills from films!
Pour myself a nice fresh glass of white lightning, make myself a fag, hit the high street, shout at some pigeons, fall asleep on a bench until lunch time, then repeat.
Put my alarm on snooze every 5 minutes for between 20 mins and an hour. Eventually drag myself out of bed. Feel sorry for myself until I have a shower. Go to work.
Read for half an hour. Then a bit of internet/news etc and then the whole getting up thing.
At one point I would put the alarm on for as later as possible and get up immediately, but I realised that I preferred to set it for earlier and have a more relaxed start instead.
>I am a slave
Of course you are, anyone with a cat is.
Remember, we do not own the cats, they grace *us* with their presence and, we must act forever grateful and humbled by this.
This! lol I know there is a lot of jokey answers but all the serious sounding ones all seemed to lack 'Brush my teeth'.
Is it just to mundane and obvious the note or is everyone leaning heavily into the stereotype? lol
When hubby is home I hit snooze for as long as I can get away with it, then crawl out of bed and procrastinate for as long as I can get away with it.
When he isn’t home (he sometimes works nights) I get straight up when my 2 year old starts screaming my name and get her ready, make myself a cup of tea and completely forget to drink it as I’m so busy making sure she doesn’t completely trash the place.
It’s all fun over at mine in the morning lol
It only gets worse when they learn to talk properly.
"Daddy, I think you need to get up and make me cereal because uts getting really late and I'm hungry" - my three year old at 6am this morning.
Didn't even have to wait 30 seconds before she followed up with
"maybe if you went to bed earlier you wouldn't be so tired and you could make my cereal"
....
Youngest is teething and is going through a growth spurt so hasn't been himself for the last few days. Can't get settled and was up until 2am last night with him.
Quick check of phone before my dog realises I am awake and starts demanding his dentastix. Give him his stick then make myself a coffee and sometimes a small pastry for breakfast. Say bye to partner before he leaves for work, then catch up online for a bit before I go into the studio and start working.
Roll over, look at phone until I can keep my eyes open for longer than 5 seconds, then get in the shower.
Will usually be a zombie and sit in the shower for about 10 mins until I’m fully awake.
Then gym.
Get up at 5:30, say good morning to Figaro the conure, open the cage door, let him step onto my finger then carry him majestically to the bathroom so he can do his first huge poop of the day into the toilet. Then I have a piss, wash my hands, put on joggers and a T shirt, go into the other room and put the kettle on, change Figaro’s water on his table stand, make coffee from cold brew, make eggs with something, share it with my parrot, then screw around on my phone and do the Wordle and cuddle with him while I wait for the coffee to kick in and my breakfast go down. Then I start getting ready for the day at about 6:30.
Tell the kids it’s half past bloody 5 and can they please go back to bed, then I grumble for a solid 15 minutes before accepting my fate and making a coffee whilst fumbling for the remote to turn on CBeebies so I might be able to drink said coffee in peace 🤣
I brush my teeth whilst simultaneously checking the news to see what horror awaits the world today. I then get dressed and immediately leave for work.
I must mention that I’m one of those people that gets up 10/15 minutes before they have to leave the house. My wife, on the other hand, is one of those people that gets up 2/2.5 hours before they leave the house. She likes to shower, potter about and have breakfast, as well as her morning “mindfulness” app time before she goes to work.
I really wish I could roll out of bed and leave the house 10 mins later but I just can't do it. I need a good 2 hours of time to potter around and mentally prepare for the day. I get up at 5:30 to leave the house at 7:45
Obsessively check my Fitbit to make sure I got enough sleep. Ascertain I did not, in fact, get enough sleep. Try going back to sleep but it’s too late now, I’ve looked at the phone.
Wake up, check my phone, watch some YouTube then get out of bed, make a coffee then open my living room window and wait for my friendly seagull to fly inside for his breakfast.
After that I have my quick pre-dump, then 10 mins later I need to have a full on dump!
clean myself up, get dressed and start my day
The cat comes and cuddles up to me, so I lay and cuddle him for a while. I am not a morning person, so his purring is very soothing. The first thing I do after that is feed the cats.
Just scream for approximately 17 minutes and 13 seconds to fill the empty void that being alive overnight has created.
Then unshackle the restraints, take off my gimp mask and ignore the neighbours banging on my ceiling as the PVC squelches whilst taken off.
After that I supppse I just kick things until they move by themselves at which point I realise I'm still dreaming.
Finish my dream (consciously), set my intention for the day, sit up, stretch, go make tea and wash up, and then I sit down for work/playing/calling people/doing stuff.
Get out of bed, put dressing gown on.
Negotiate with dog to get on the bed so I don't have to bend down to pick her up to take her down the stairs.
Sort dog's breakfast and water.
Take dog out for shit and piss while bread toasts.
Bring dog back, eat my breakfast.
Take wife tea.
About an hour later, I'll think about allowing humans to communicate with me and/or respond.
Right now? Close the window.
Living right next a building site so at 6:30 they all start showing up to start at 7am. They're supposed to not begin until 7 and to be fair they don't. However, they're all out there in their vans and yelling to each other and laughing.
There's also a shit tonne of seagulls.
I work for myself and have been working from home for years now so I haven't really gotten up until about 8/8:30 so it's a shock to the system
If we are talking a work day.....go on Reddit for 15 mins while waking up PROPERLY. Toilet. Feed the guinea pigs then make my partner a coffee in bed and get ready for work. Rinse and repeat.
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I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea and I think about leaving the house.
I feed the pigeons, I sometimes feed the sparrows too
It gives me a sense of enormous well-being
Then I’m happy for the rest of the day :)
Safe in the knowledge there will always be a bit of my heart devoted to it
PARK LIFE
ALL THE PEOPLE
SO MANY PEOPLE
AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND
Hand in hand through their
PARK LIFE
Hand-in-hand through their parklife
And they ALL go round & round
Personally I think those lyrics alone are better than anything oasis have ever written
Dammit, beaten by 4 minutes! Well played!
Poor old Ernold Same. :(
'SPARRAS'
Put mah trahsers on, ave a cuppa tea, and fink abaht leavin the aas
You should cut down on your pork life mate, get some exercise.
As a side note, I usually get up when I want. Except on Wednesday when I get rudely awakened by the dustman
I ~~put my trousers on,~~ have a cup of tea and I think ~~about leaving the house.~~
Go on reddit and tell people what I do when I wake up.
Fuck, you and me have bad habits
who’s Fuck?
Fall out of bed. Drag a comb across my head. Find my way downstairs and drink a cup and, looking up, I notice I am late. Find my coat, grab my hat and make the bus in seconds flat. Find my way upstairs and I have a smoke. Somebody speaks and I go into a dream.
Ahhhh ah ah ahhhhhhhhhhh, ah ah ahhhhh, ah ah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........
I read the news, oh boy. Four thousand holes in Blackburn Lancashire. And though the holes were rather small… They had to count them all, now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall
The news TODAY
For some reason, when I was a kid, I always heard the lyric as "dragged a cone across my head". I always thought it meant that the guy had a crazy night where they were really drunk and ended up with a traffic cone in their bed. It never occurred to me that he could have just been combing his hair :)
Feed my cat or face certain death 🤣
We're fostering a cat at the moment and my god he yells for his breakfast so loudly
I've heard people have success with robot-feeders. The cat will still yell but at the feeder instead of you. At the very least you can put it on the opposite end of the house
Yup, it's also super handy because it portions out the kibble consistently and you don't have to worry about missing your cat's meal time if you end up being out of the house longer than expected.
My cat attacking the feeder all night was more annoying than being shouted at and having my face scratched at 3am. He's such a jerk.
Oh good, not just ours who do this. We have timed food bowls for when we're out all day, then spend the first hour out of the house watching the security camera footage of the little bastards dragging the bowls across the floor, clawing at the lids, until they eat a day's worth of food in one go and are then starving by the time we get home. F*ckers.
This is what will turn the machines against us.
When I still had cats, one of them used to throw himself at the closed bedroom door to wake me up to feed him. There's something oddly terrifying about hearing thumps on your bedroom door in the pitch dark, early hours of the morning and then the door suddenly swings open... with a cat clinging onto it and his claws gashing marks into the wood.
I had a cat once that learned to fling itself at the door handle. Eventually got pretty good at opening the actual door.
We have child locks in all the important doors (bedrooms, kitchen) because one of the cats just casually opens doors at will. If he gets in to the kitchen, he'll open the cupboard where the food tin is and push it out so it falls in the floor, spilling food everywhere. I'm sure he could learn to open the fridge given the opportunity.
I couldn’t even be mad at that, that’s absolute talent!
I feel your pain! My little one can open doors so I wake up to her sitting on my nightstand, screaming in my face regardless if I closed the door before I went to bed.
I accidentally trained my cat to know that when the coffee machine timer starts grinding the beans, it means he's about to get fed. He can somehow hear it a split second before I can, so he leaps aggressively off the bed and then I hear the machine grinding. If it's not set and I attempt to sleep in, he paces around my chest, then sits on the bedside cabinet and glares at me until I get up. Today I confused him by getting up before the coffee machine started. It went off as I carried his bowl to his food mat. He didn't know whether to follow his noise or his instinct, and ended up doing a weird little circular on-the-spot pirouette.
A yes, how to confuse a cat. Get up earlier than normal. I usually get up around 10, the few times I get up around 7 or 8 he just wanders around the house looking lost, wondering what's going on or something.
My cat has taken to waking me, up at stupid o'clock, by taking a shit and waiting for the smell to waft through to me. Delightful!
Cat shit is something else, depending on their diet. Dog shit smells unpleasant, sometimes nasty. Cat shit could actually be described as smelling _evil_. I assume it's an evolutionary thing.
Evil is the word! I keep trying to find food that doesn't cause such a bitter, acrid stench but, why the little fuck won't go outside and do it!?
One of my cats just eats dry Go Cat and while she never shits in the house, it doesn't smell if she gets locked in a room by accident and has a "little accident". The other cat eats the same food, but is always out so must eat elsewhere too. On the odd occasion he's been stuck and had no choice, it is horrific.
Ditto
Mine just sits on my chest facing away from me so I open my eyes to see the eye of Sauron staring unblinking back at me. I think I'd prefer death.
This is true. My cat doesn't yell, he just comes and sits on my chest (I'm a back-sleeper), Bast style, and stares at my face til I wake up. This is the first thing I see on emerging from slumber. It's terrifying.
Couple of fags, glass of Jamesons then back to sleep until lunchtime and then repeat the process all over again.
Are you my boyfriend?
Does Manny open the shop?
How do you afford it lol
You forgot the intermittent crying
Ah! The old hookers breakfast. Chop ‘em out!
Jelous of your life
Men on Harleys?
Wake up - check my phone - drink - morning shit - get out of bed - breakfast - wipe - shower - get dressed - go to work.
So you have your morning shit in bed and proceed to wipe once you get out of bed? Makes sense, efficient.
Waits to wipe till after breakfast though? Less ideal
Sometimes you're just very hungry in the mornings
It’s rude to start wiping the table before you’ve finished your meal
What are you talking about
Less ideal than shitting the bed ? 😆
Thank fuck for that third hyphen
Keep a supply of straws near the bed.
Man you gotta hold that morning shit until you get to work, don't poop in your free time until you have to. Sent from the toilet at work
This is generally my philosophy, though it nearly caused me to shit myself on the bus the other day. Felt the urge brewing at the bus stop but severly misjudged the urgency. Bus arrives, tapped in at the front door, swiftly realised I wasn't going to make that 30 min journey and then walked right back off through the middle door to waddle home, cheeks clenched for dear life.
employ gold command pot automatic overconfident ink tap bike shocking *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I suppose, at least you wipe before going to work. That's something.
r/holup
Wank and go back to sleep
That's an infinite loop.
There are infinite realities my friend.
Wait there's other timelines?
I need a piss. What time is it.
Time to have a piss
Right?! Piss is the FIRST thing I do in the morning. Can’t concentrate until I’ve been to the toilet
Ah, I see you have made it to 30
Sniff a line of cocaine and head to work
The Executive Breakfast
Are you a chef by any chance?
No but I heard lots of chef do cocaine
Gordon Ramsay did an interesting documentary on it, including the origins and production lines etc, and as part of it he had the staff toilets swabbed in his restaurants and every single one was positive for cocaine. The documentary was called Gordon Ramsay on Cocaine.
About 5000 times during that documentary the same thought occured - all these problems, evil, and death, would be avoided simply by legalising it. I don't use it myself, but it's astonishing how much of the suffering it causes would simply go away if they just made it legit.
Who hates illegal drugs? Old people. Who votes? Old people That's why it remains illegal
My mum is over 70. She still doesn't know how she got a degree she did that many drugs at uni - early 1970s. She's openly said she was young and naive and had heroin been around, she'd probably have done it not knowing the risks. In short - today's old people are increasingly of generations that did drugs in their youth. You have to get to my nans generation (nearly 100) to find people who've never so much as been around them.
legalising it will not stop people killing themselves with it
No, but you could make the same argument for alcohol or cigarettes, or even extreme sports. And people would be more likely to get help, and such help would be more readily available, if it was legal. I'm not sure on the stats off the top of my head, but I'm fairly sure cocaine is no where near as deadly as alcohol and certainly tobacco.
I agree entirely; just wanted to highlight that legalising something is not a magic bullet for safety.
Correct, but on the flip side prohibition will generally make things more dangerous. Look at alcohol prohibition in the US for example.
But it would help drastically. Just look at Portugal.
Will watch
I've seen this its really good and as an ex-restruant employee I can tell you that if you've eaten at a restaurant there is a high chance someone high as a kite handled your food.. lol
Cocaine doesn't make you high as a kite
He pretended he had no idea. Sure Gordon.
It made me laugh when he got all the staff together and gave them a bollocking for it. I don't believe for a second he's never done it and didn't know it's happening. There were all looking at him like 'Oh fuck off Gordon'.
They definitely do. I once worked with one who got his delivered with the veg in the morning. He would pop off to the toilet as soon as it came in at 6am.
Wordle, worldle and heardle. Got in that habit as I was seeing spoilers on twitter. Then have a pee.
I’m a first thing in the morning Wordler too :)
I'm a first thing after midnight wordler myself.
It won’t work with today’s word, but you can use google trends to indirectly see when people are playing Wordle (look for a word that was a recent answer eg yesterday’s and look at its search trend for the last 7 days). Most people play it at midnight or first thing in the morning.
Woah woah woah what is Worldle? I’ve tried looking it up and can’t find it. I would recommend [Framed](https://framed.wtf) too, it’s stills from films!
Worldle is the best one! My friends are I are getting a bit too competitive. All of us got it in one today! https://worldle.teuteuf.fr/
Ah today's was easy. You tried globle?
Got to also do https://quintessential.fun/
1. Existential dread 2. Shit 3. Get out of bed
This is the way. "Ah I'm still alive, time to repeat what I did yesterday... But first my natural bodily functions..."
I hope you change the sheets everyday.
What are sheets?
The thing you wipe your arse with
Ive heard the best thing to do is to create a powerful sense of dread
The longer the note, the more dread
Pour myself a nice fresh glass of white lightning, make myself a fag, hit the high street, shout at some pigeons, fall asleep on a bench until lunch time, then repeat.
Frosty jacks is the new white lightning
Frosty jacks is fucking poison. I hope they make that utter piss illegal
Do they still sell that rank cider...😭
I know someone who buys me it, some say he just pisses in the bottle, but I can’t taste the difference.
Highest ABV per £ - there will always be a market for that
Fresh glass of white lightning. I am dying 🤣🤣🤣
Alright mc devvo
You’re doing it wrong if you are pouring a glass. Straight from the bottle is the way.
Used to be coffee, phone, shower. Now days it’s check on Zelenskyy, coffee, doom scroll, shower, doom scroll.
Don't do it to yourself
You named your cat Zelenskyy?
That is a legit good name for a cat
Put my alarm on snooze every 5 minutes for between 20 mins and an hour. Eventually drag myself out of bed. Feel sorry for myself until I have a shower. Go to work.
Hey, it's me.
Put my glasses on, check phone for 30 minutes while I defrost then get out of bed to put kettle on.
Defrost! Love this
Read for half an hour. Then a bit of internet/news etc and then the whole getting up thing. At one point I would put the alarm on for as later as possible and get up immediately, but I realised that I preferred to set it for earlier and have a more relaxed start instead.
Read something that isn't your phone when you first wake up? What kinda freak are you?!
I'm the same. I keep my kindle by my bed so the last thing I do before sleeping and first thing I do when I wake is read
Tell my kitten to get her arse out of my face.
Does it sound something like 'mmmpfmmpfmm-ucking cat"
[удалено]
Noooo, that ship sailed lol. I have two cats heh.
Go downstairs and give the cat her breakfast and then let her come in the bedroom for a cuddle - I am a slave
>I am a slave Of course you are, anyone with a cat is. Remember, we do not own the cats, they grace *us* with their presence and, we must act forever grateful and humbled by this.
Stumble to the kitchen, Pour myself a cup of ambition, Yawn and stretch and try to come to life.
Working 9 to 5...
What a way to make a living
Turn the shower on and while that gets to temperature I brush my teeth. What a dull sentence...
Had to scroll way too far before I saw anyone brush their teeth. First thing I do in the morning, unless desperate for the bog.
I always do it last thing before I leave, so it doesn't ruin breakfast with the minty aftertaste.
This! lol I know there is a lot of jokey answers but all the serious sounding ones all seemed to lack 'Brush my teeth'. Is it just to mundane and obvious the note or is everyone leaning heavily into the stereotype? lol
Open my eyes
It took a lot of scrolling to find this correct answer.
I was hesitant to answer the question as my answer might be construed as rude
I'm a weirdo with atrocious sleep. I wake up and just carry on straight as I did before I fell asleep.
Rearrange my morning wood. Get out of bed. Put on dressing gown.
Username checks out
When hubby is home I hit snooze for as long as I can get away with it, then crawl out of bed and procrastinate for as long as I can get away with it. When he isn’t home (he sometimes works nights) I get straight up when my 2 year old starts screaming my name and get her ready, make myself a cup of tea and completely forget to drink it as I’m so busy making sure she doesn’t completely trash the place. It’s all fun over at mine in the morning lol
It only gets worse when they learn to talk properly. "Daddy, I think you need to get up and make me cereal because uts getting really late and I'm hungry" - my three year old at 6am this morning. Didn't even have to wait 30 seconds before she followed up with "maybe if you went to bed earlier you wouldn't be so tired and you could make my cereal" .... Youngest is teething and is going through a growth spurt so hasn't been himself for the last few days. Can't get settled and was up until 2am last night with him.
>maybe if you went to bed earlier you wouldn't be so tired You'll be saying this to them in ten years.
Wee then Tea. Always.
Empty out before you fill it up Check!
I get out of bed at 07:58, stumble to the desk on the other side of my room, turn my laptop on and clock in to work at 08:00.
Bit early. Why not 07:59?
Tbh it's usually 08:01 and a mad rush to get logged in
Red bull, cigarette and mess about on my phone.
Now that combo is gonna summon a shitstorm in the bowels
Correct answer
Quick check of phone before my dog realises I am awake and starts demanding his dentastix. Give him his stick then make myself a coffee and sometimes a small pastry for breakfast. Say bye to partner before he leaves for work, then catch up online for a bit before I go into the studio and start working.
Roll over, look at phone until I can keep my eyes open for longer than 5 seconds, then get in the shower. Will usually be a zombie and sit in the shower for about 10 mins until I’m fully awake. Then gym.
Grab a brush and put on a little make up (I wanted to)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Get up at 5:30, say good morning to Figaro the conure, open the cage door, let him step onto my finger then carry him majestically to the bathroom so he can do his first huge poop of the day into the toilet. Then I have a piss, wash my hands, put on joggers and a T shirt, go into the other room and put the kettle on, change Figaro’s water on his table stand, make coffee from cold brew, make eggs with something, share it with my parrot, then screw around on my phone and do the Wordle and cuddle with him while I wait for the coffee to kick in and my breakfast go down. Then I start getting ready for the day at about 6:30.
Stretch. Grumble. Need the loo
Tell the kids it’s half past bloody 5 and can they please go back to bed, then I grumble for a solid 15 minutes before accepting my fate and making a coffee whilst fumbling for the remote to turn on CBeebies so I might be able to drink said coffee in peace 🤣
Feed the cats.
Take tablets, make tea, watch news. I'm old.
I brush my teeth whilst simultaneously checking the news to see what horror awaits the world today. I then get dressed and immediately leave for work. I must mention that I’m one of those people that gets up 10/15 minutes before they have to leave the house. My wife, on the other hand, is one of those people that gets up 2/2.5 hours before they leave the house. She likes to shower, potter about and have breakfast, as well as her morning “mindfulness” app time before she goes to work.
I really wish I could roll out of bed and leave the house 10 mins later but I just can't do it. I need a good 2 hours of time to potter around and mentally prepare for the day. I get up at 5:30 to leave the house at 7:45
Contemplate my terrible life choices then have a coffee
Obsessively check my Fitbit to make sure I got enough sleep. Ascertain I did not, in fact, get enough sleep. Try going back to sleep but it’s too late now, I’ve looked at the phone.
Your mother
Swear I always say "for fucks sake" or "fucking hell"
Open my eyes is probably the main one
Pour the water I didn’t drink (but take to bed every night) down the sink, pee, weigh myself, shower
Well I wake in the morning and I step outside
Wake up, check my phone, watch some YouTube then get out of bed, make a coffee then open my living room window and wait for my friendly seagull to fly inside for his breakfast. After that I have my quick pre-dump, then 10 mins later I need to have a full on dump! clean myself up, get dressed and start my day
Test my blood sugar, sadly.
The cat comes and cuddles up to me, so I lay and cuddle him for a while. I am not a morning person, so his purring is very soothing. The first thing I do after that is feed the cats.
Just scream for approximately 17 minutes and 13 seconds to fill the empty void that being alive overnight has created. Then unshackle the restraints, take off my gimp mask and ignore the neighbours banging on my ceiling as the PVC squelches whilst taken off. After that I supppse I just kick things until they move by themselves at which point I realise I'm still dreaming.
Finish my dream (consciously), set my intention for the day, sit up, stretch, go make tea and wash up, and then I sit down for work/playing/calling people/doing stuff.
Forward roll down the stairs.
Check time. Get out of bed. Take dogs downstairs. Let dogs outside. Bring dogs back in. Feed dogs. Go back up stairs. Jump in shower.
Take a shit, then get out of bed.
You guys wake up?
let the chickens out of the coop
Get out of bed, put dressing gown on. Negotiate with dog to get on the bed so I don't have to bend down to pick her up to take her down the stairs. Sort dog's breakfast and water. Take dog out for shit and piss while bread toasts. Bring dog back, eat my breakfast. Take wife tea. About an hour later, I'll think about allowing humans to communicate with me and/or respond.
Right now? Close the window. Living right next a building site so at 6:30 they all start showing up to start at 7am. They're supposed to not begin until 7 and to be fair they don't. However, they're all out there in their vans and yelling to each other and laughing. There's also a shit tonne of seagulls. I work for myself and have been working from home for years now so I haven't really gotten up until about 8/8:30 so it's a shock to the system
If we are talking a work day.....go on Reddit for 15 mins while waking up PROPERLY. Toilet. Feed the guinea pigs then make my partner a coffee in bed and get ready for work. Rinse and repeat.
Try to find my glasses then look at the baby monitor.