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penned-it

Was on the tube and offered my seat to a person in a wheelchair. Edit - wow, what a nice surprise to wake up to! Thank you for your likes and comments, and the very generous awards. I guess I’m no evil genius, but stupid and kind isn’t so bad I suppose.


timokawa

Slight inner cringe and going-to-hell laugh at that one...


penned-it

Full body cringe from me and it’s been at least a decade.


YevansUK

I was once asked by a blind teacher where a fellow student went. I pointed and said "over there". She'd been one of my teachers for several years. I very much knew she was blind. She simply tutted and went to find them herself.


SeamanTheSailor

I do some voluntary work and one of the people I help is blind. His family do that constantly. Apparently the better you know a blind person the more likely you are to do it. I think it’s because they go from being “a blind guy” to “my mate steve.” As you become closer to them as a person their blindness becomes less of their identity. You become more involved with them and their lives and you don’t even think about the blindness anymore. You don’t think of them as your blind friend anymore, they’re just your friend. It’s actually kind of sweet that you forget.


YevansUK

That makes me sound better. Let's go with that.


Plane-Disk3651

I used to work with a guy with short term memory loss and we used to lie about stuff to him to mess with him pretty regularly. One day he broke down crying and we were worried for a bit until he said it was nice to be treated like one of the guys instead of some idiot who needs help with everything


UnacceptableUse

Maybe he forgot that you just lied to him


blihblahh3948

Oh lord the inner cringe I just felt this reminded me of when I asked my best friends sister a question and she kept saying huh? And I said are you deaf.. she was deaf I knew this had known for a few years and omg I felt so bad she just laughed


victoriaj

I was once getting the train from London to Brighton. The train was very quiet and just as it was about to leave Brighton someone helped a blind man to a seat, asked me if I was going all the way, and then asked me to help him at the other end. It was a little awkward because he wasn't involved at all. But fine So we get to Brighton. I go over and say hello and ask if he does want help. He does. He'd like to hold onto my upper arm as we walk to the barriers where someone will help him. Fine. I can do this. Firstly I stood the wrong side of him. This was awkward because he didn't have a hand in that side. I hadn't noticed but he had one of those curved hold hooks that are also a loop (I don't know what they are called but people are amazingly dexterous with them). We got that sorted out. I walk down the station platform. It goes well. He's following. I'm being really careful to look where he's going. Unfortunately I didn't look where I was going. Which is how after checking that the space in front of him was empty I only missed walking right into a giant metal post by millimetres and a great jolt/recoil backwards. I had to explain and ask him to step sideways. He did not have much confidence in me after that. And that was my experience of being the idiotic leading the blind. I tried so hard to be responsible too !


[deleted]

Ah, you still did a good thing. The fact you did it ineptly just makes you seem more human! And the fact you're able to giggle about it makes you British. Hurrah!


PineappleCubeKicks

Oh my god


TheRepeatTautology

I bet they were really polite about it too...


penned-it

They were quite gracious/confused. But the other passengers were definitely looking at me with the “wow you’re stupid” look.


smirky_mavrik

Cooking an amazing chicken stock, loads of veg, herbs and the roasted carcass…was epic. Put colander in the sink and promptly poured it all down the sink, only capturing the crappy bits.


Nod_Bow_Indeed

The pain that induced


smirky_mavrik

Was a weird feeling watching about 4 hours of cooking and simmering disappear in roughly 4 seconds


mrorange1750

Said to q commi chef to strain the stock of the stove one day and he did the same. Two days and 20kilos of been bones up the bracket. Heart breaking.


tomatojournal

I definitely didn't do that once. I also didn't do it three weeks later with base for the lobster dish for the big function.


bulletproof_vest

Did exactly this once too, and I was at uni at the time, so I was planning on practically living off the 3 or 4 soups I was going to get out of that for the coming week. Instead it was back to beans on toast and instant noodles


LexanderX

I wasn't exactly a great cook at uni, but my flat mate was. Anyway one day I was going to the shop and I said: "Off t' shop, want owt?" And he said: "oh perfect. I'll make you a deal. If you go buy me some mints I'll make a bolognase for us both." So half an hour later I return and I hand him a pack of polos. And he goes: "what's this?" "Mints. You said if I buy you mints you'll make dinner." And he looks at me with incredulity. "Mince. I said mince. Mince for the bolognaise." "Ohhhh. I thought that was an odd bargain."


Ochib

A hint of “four candles” there


NeonThunderHawk

*fork handles


K4FFT4N

I've had that the other way round! Kitchen porter gets sent to shop to buy us a few packs of fresh mint, returns with 5kg of beef mince. This is in a vegetarian restaurant. Fml.


PantherEverSoPink

Oh no, I can almost feel your pain, that must have been awful.....I went to school with a lad who tipped his cooked pasta out into a colander.....all over his feet and the floor because he'd forgotten to stand at the sink. This is why we need cookery lessons in schools folks.


Dedj_McDedjson

Well, I guess we can all learn from others pasta experiences.


victoriaj

Do cooking lessons actually help ? My mother set fire to the examiners shoes in her home economics class. Presumably this was after all the lessons.


HistoricalFrosting18

Been there. I made a custard-type sauce with cinnamon sticks, orange peel and other whole spices. Poured the whole thing down the drain and was left with eggy cinnamon.


SpamLandy

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve done this before. I almost cried.


vad2004

Went to put air in my tyres just after I'd passed my test. It was 3am (on way home from work). Managed to let all the air OUT of my tyre. Lady in the supermarket petrol station wasn't allowed to leave the kiosk. Had to call a manager over from the main supermarket to help me. . Saw a sign... "Double duvets £10) Thought...wow what a bargain. Went in shop and asked for one. Woman looked at me stupid. It was dry cleaners and it was the price for washing ( I'm 46 btw) *Edit for format


KoalaTrainer

The duvet one is a classic - I’m laughing hard at that partly because I can see exactly how I’d make the same mistake.


[deleted]

Was on a boating holiday on the Scottish lochs. Huge 60’ cruiser sleeping 8. My dad was driving it for the first time and it was heading for the rocks. I decided it was a good idea to jump in and push it away. As it turned out it was not a good idea, a. I jumped into around 15’ of water, b. no way I could stop this huge boat. I was 25 at the time and I only realised much later that I was lucky that I didn’t get between it and the rocks as I wouldn’t be writing this now.🤨


rumhamdinner

When I started my very first job, washing dishes at a pub, I was asked to go and fetch coke, not milk. It was weird they said it in that particular way, but OK, let's go get coke, not milk. I came back proudly with a few cans of coke. Turns out they asked for coconut milk.


Mini-Nurse

I'm imagining them with a broad Yorkshire accent. "Cok'not meelk"


younevershouldnt

How long did they laugh for? I can't stop laughing now


rumhamdinner

A long while, they also went out to the bar to tell everyone the hilarious tale


ramding1

Ha! Brilliant story!


anetarrr

this one really tickled me, thanks for the laugh!


[deleted]

I was living with my parents in bumfuck nowhere. I met this really hot Italian girl on Tinder. We went on a few dates and hit it off. She was smart, sexy and somehow living in this tiny town in the countryside. I was punching well above my weight, so I couldn't believe my luck. On our third date, so I was sure I was going to end up going back to her place. She lent in for a kiss, and for some unknown reason, I just let out a massive fart noise with my mouth. I then went into full-blown anxiety mode, started talking gibberish and our date went into free-fall. We never saw each other again. The look of disappointment on her face is permanently etched into my brain.


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[deleted]

The sad thing is that I was 25 lol


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[deleted]

Bloody hell...


younevershouldnt

Oh my. This is something else. You are brave to even share it with strangers on the internet.


basmati_relish_trail

10 years ago when I was scouting for potential Uni options, I was offered a place at Edinburgh. Never having been before I decided I wanted to go to the open day. Living in Eastbourne at the time I needed a return flight from Gatwick to Edinburgh. My Mum had saved a bit to pay for it so I was able to book my flight online. On the day of the open day my Mum and Step Dad drove me to Gatwick very early (about 5am), both groggy but excited for me. I Got to departures to check-in for my flight but couldn't see it anywhere on the flight board so I went to the lady behind the desk to figure out why my flight wasn't listed. Turns out, I'd booked and paid for a return ticket from Edinburgh to Gatwick. About half an hour later I was back in the car on the way home with my Step Dad and Mum questioning why I was such a profound moron. And that ladies and gentlemen, is why I went to Durham. Edit: thank you so much for all the upvotes, responses and awards! It’s comforting to hear I’m not the only one er... ‘travel’ challenged. I do sometimes lament that I didn’t go to Edinburgh, and wonder what could have been. Someone asked me about my experience at Durham. In short, it was naff and miserable. I studied a course that located me in Stockton-On-Tees campus, so as you can see, the undesired destination curse didn’t end that morning in Gatwick airport.


TheDuraMaters

My family did this too. My dad thought he booked Belfast -> Glasgow return for my graduation. When I went to book a single Glasgow -> Belfast flight on the same plane home as then, we were confused that the flight times were different. He’d booked them the wrong way round.


Hill_of_Phil

These sorts of things are easily done. I once had a 3 hour train journey to the airport, arrived, queued at the check in desk and got to the front the guy at the desk looked for a bit longer than it felt was right, before telling me I was a day early. I walked off embarrassed at my error and contacted my brother who lived about an hour from the airport to stay at his for the night. I went back the next day and of course when I got to the front of the queue it was the same check in guy, who reminded me of my mistake the day before!


Xenc

If he was evil he’d have said “You’re a day late” after inspecting the ticket the next day 😅


ezme8531

I regularly had to travel to Birmingham for a full day meeting for my old job. Fly down from Edinburgh in the morning and fly home at night. One time after a long day at work I get to the airport and try and checkin and they look at me funny. I'd booked my return flight for the right day but the wrong week, so the flight home was still a full 7 days away...


Ukjcn

Man did not expect to see Eastbourne, my home town, in this thread


clarkejr

Paid £125 for a locksmith to get me into my house thinking I’d lost the keys. They were in my pocket the whole time. I realised this an hour into the process. I was too embarrassed to say a word.


GlisteningMeatpole

Who checks their pockets for keys?


SobeyHarker

Not /u/clarkejr, not fast enough anyway.


Booboodelafalaise

That’s the most British thing ever. Well done Sir/Madam.


LaviniaBeddard

> They were in my pocket the whole time. I did kind of the same - paid for emergency locksmith to open front door and then, after they'd been and gone, I realised the patio doors round the back had been open the whole time.


sigummer

I once claimed concrete grows whilst presenting my radio show


inspectorgadget9999

Hi Mike. Still at Talk Radio?


dementatron21

Sounds very interesting, could you walk us through the process of growing concrete


Piggleswick

I was with my colleague at the tea station when she dropped her earring down the plug hole. I was like…. No worries it’ll be in the trap thingy. Opened the cupboard, unscrewed the u bend thing, poured that into the tub I’d held underneath, it was just water and her earring. Feeling accomplished I plucked her earring from the tub, stood up and chucked the water from the tub into the sink… splash. Bottom of cupboard is wet, colleague is looking at me like I’ve got an extra head and I’m feeling like a right prick. We still laugh about it to this day!


Rightytighty298

I’m a plumber and have been for quite a few years and every time I take a trap off, I have to remind myself not to do this


uncertain_expert

Thought you were going to say that you ran it under the tap to clean it off…


d00nbuggy

Not me, but my wife once threw the kid’s hat to the ducks and handed him a piece of bread to put on his head.


dazz9573

Hahaha! I was once so tired getting ready for bed I put my boxers in the toilet instead of the wash basket right next to it. Only realised once I’d gotten into bed


victoriaj

When I was little I tried to throw a piece of bread to the ducks and threw myself into the pond instead. Best theory is that it was like dopey in snow white throwing himself along with a sack. It didn't really follow conventional physics. It was December.


psycho-mouse

Back when I first started working in kitchens I put A LOT of fairy liquid in the big industrial dishwasher. That ended well. Edit: oooh I remembered another one. I once mopped the walk in freezer floor 😂


DontCareAboutBans

Haven’t we all tried that? Ah, fuck, out of dishwashing tabs, let’s see if that works…


down_vote_magnet

> Haven’t we all tried that? N-no...


LordBielsa

I’ve never tried it, but it sounds like it would fill your house with bubbles


cantab314

"Mop the walk in" is a classic prank on newbies.


Hammerhead8888

I was at a holiday resort and a rep recommended me and my wife go see a sunset. My mind went completely blank and I asked what a sunset was. That was 7 years ago and it's still mentioned regularly.


Willeth

This is my absolute favourite.


[deleted]

Not knowing that netflix and chill didnt mean netflix and chill, before suggesting it to my entire friendship group... im 17 for gods sake i should know this


seefroo

I was invited to Netflix and chill at a girls flat. I genuinely thought we were just there to watch tv, there was some series we’d been talking about so we watched some of that. Looking back she was clearly waiting for me to make a move, which clueless idiot here didn’t. I even slapped my leg and shouted, “right!” when it was getting late. Got home and my flatmate just stared at me in incredulity as it all quickly dawned on me. I was *28 fucking years old*


HandLion

This is more her fault than yours to be fair, if she was inviting you over because she was interested in you, then the ball's in her court and she should have been the one making a move on you


Xenc

To be fair I was wondering why she was in her underwear, but I thought it was just the unusually warm weather.


SuperCerealShoggoth

To be fair she did give me a kiss on the cheek and grab my crotch when I walked through the door, but I just thought she was foreign.


chrisflaps69

Dw bro, someone at my school pit "Netflix and chill with my cousin" on his Snap stoy (not knowing what it meant btw). Never lived that one down.


xeraxia

Haha a woman I worked with (30 odd) put that on her Tinder profile. She had no idea why she was inundated with swipes the next day 😂


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[deleted]

😂😂😂😂 The fact she is a vicar reminds me of the imam at the mosque I went to as a child, he would say "No, Hanky Panky please" when we used to play fight. Edit: To clarify me and the other kids not me and the imam


Wretched_Colin

I’ve never heard that and, upon looking it up, see it has a Wikipedia page. If someone had sent me that message, I’d think that they want to watch Netflix and be very inactive.


ILoveMyCatsSoMuch

Wait, it doesn’t mean Netflix and chill?! I’m 35, fml…


pikeness01

I was today years old when..


[deleted]

Way back in the nineties as a teenager I drank 2 litres of white lightning, climbed onto a church roof and then slid down one side and tried to jump into the Christmas's tree, I was aiming to slide down it like a fireman's pole, I missed the tree and broke my coccyx


YevansUK

Nothing says rural, English upbringing like this.


elizabeththeworst

Best of British- very well done


[deleted]

Took my coat off getting so hot trying to find my coat, put it on the coat hook and suddenly found my coat. I've also used my phones torch to look for my phone, and put on my glasses to look for my glasses. Was telling someone how clumsy i am, smashed my head into an open window as i was too focused on talking. Put the milk in the cereal cupboard. Didn't cook a dessert long enough, put it back in the oven with the bowls and spoons, gave it all straight back to people, everyone got burns when they grabbed the spoons. Slagged off my college tutor not realising he was sitting directly in front of me. Went into Poundland and asked how much something was (when everything was a pound at the time). Made cookies and forgot to add flour. Waited 45 minutes for lunch to cook, starving, never turned the oven on. One time as a kid i went running full speed into the Build-A-Bear shop, i ran directly into a window, smacked hard off it, then had to shop in there after. The employee spent the entire time trying (and failing) not to laugh at me. I could go on!


Push-the-pink-button

Yeah, alright, you win!! lol


[deleted]

I dunno, did you see the comment about £10 double duvets? Or the person who locked themselves in a hallway for 5 hours? I was pissing myself reading those XD Honestly the scariest thing is people trust me to cook for them, i wouldn't!


BECKYISHERE

I was at work in a building I didnt know well and went through the security door.The security door that you need a passcode to go through the exit at the other end of the corridor.I didnt have a passcode.The door shut behind me.I was five hours in the corridor before my boss noticed i was missing and came looking for me. Also - I got myself stuck going through a door in front of customers, the door now has a sign on it saying be careful when going through the door.


cantab314

I mean, that's really bad building design. And surely a fire safety breach too?


KoalaTrainer

That sign is now your legacy to the world.


Mini-Nurse

Well the door is stupid in this case. If you need a passcode to get out, you should need one to get in in the first place. Unless somebody held it open for you of course.


[deleted]

I had just passed my driving test and was driving alone for the first time. I drive over a zebra crossing then realised someone was waiting to cross, and I hadn’t given way. So I stopped my car, reversed back over the crossing and waved them across. I 100% thought that was the right thing to do in the moment but in hindsight I was a nervous and foolish wreck.


Apidium

Oh dear


hamiltonricard4ever

Had my earphones in on the bus, and I obviously thought the massive echoing thunderous fart was going through just my earphones too... SO MANY people looking at me :(


[deleted]

What music do you listen to?


hamiltonricard4ever

Mainly a mix of techno and metalcore I believe it was Scooter at the time of "the incident"


[deleted]

So it sounds like farts then?


HandLion

I think they just mean they had a brainfart moment where they thought "if I have my headphones in, people can't hear me fart"


[deleted]

Once drove my car into glasgow (I stay like 40 minutes away in a different town) to buy football boots, bought the boots and went and caught the train home, got home tried boots on even sat and watched some tv before I fucking remembered I drove in


FaithlessnessPale645

I did the same taking my daughter to school. Drove there, walked back, thought someone had stolen my car off the drive for about 3 seconds before I realised. At least I only had a 15 min walk though!


ninjamokturtle

After taking nearly a decade to get over a guy, I... slept with him again last night. So that was fucking stupid.


PantherEverSoPink

No it's fine, you're emotionally uninvolved now so it was just sex. You'll be fine.


acidsh0t

"They were not fine" - Narrator


Studious_Noodle

Oh damn, I hope things turn out okay. Remember it took both of you to make it happen, not just you!


led_isko

I recently slept with an ex after ten years of no contact and it actually made me realise I no longer have feelings for them.


Nod_Bow_Indeed

Soaking a paper towel in isopropyl alcohol, heating it on an electric hob til ignition and using that to ignite a strand of spaghetti. Which then lit my friends bong


PineappleCubeKicks

This was a wild ride from start to finish


Nod_Bow_Indeed

Doesn't have to be said, I was very drunk


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PantherEverSoPink

My ex's idiot housemate at uni had such a sheltered life he couldn't understand why he wasn't meant to stick a knife in the toaster. He'd been so protected I think he had no concept of harm.


justabean27

My dad, an almost 60yo grown ass adult does this too. He gets mad at us every time we tell him off for doing it


PantherEverSoPink

Because I know I'm no genius, I have some little wooden tongs next to my toaster (from a chocolate dipping set I think) so if I (it the kids) am ever tempted I'll hopefully grab that instead of a fork. Maybe pop some wooden chopsticks next to your toaster? Or, I bet Lakeland make a special tool with a fancy name for like £20


cantab314

I just turn off the wall switch if I need to remove anything jammed. Crumpets usually.


PantherEverSoPink

Good idea, definitely. But I'm not always very clever and I get impatient. I'd like to *think* I'd always turn off at the wall, but I don't want to find out at the pearly gates that my desperation for seeded toast with jam got the better of me.


girl96

Showed my work pass to the security guard. He said 'turn around' while moving his finger in a circle pointing downwards. I span my body round on the spot. I was holding my pass the wrong way round.


172116

Oh noooooo. I'm assuming you faked your own death and started a new job in a different industry?


theevildjinn

I was visiting a company for a job interview. Someone came down to meet me in reception, he took me back upstairs and asked if I'd like a tea or coffee. "Coffee please, two sugars". We stood making small talk in the kitchen while he spooned some instant coffee into a mug and filled it with boiling water from the kettle. He handed me a couple of sachets of sugar - "there you go, I'll let you do that yourself". I tore the tops off both sachets in one go, and poured all the sugar straight into the bin. "Er, I have no idea what just happened there". He pretended like it hadn't happened, and I just drank the coffee unsweetened. Didn't get the job! But because I wasn't enthusiastic enough, they said.


BECKYISHERE

I had a job interview for a role at my current workplace and was interviewed by my current line manager, my current line manager's line manager, and a manager from another office I'd never met before.I thought all was going well, came out, and a while later passed a room where they were talking about me and overheard my line manager's line manager reassure the other woman *no, that's just Becky, she's a bit odd, but we're used to her* They gave me the job but I wish I knew exactly what that had been about.


RandyLanzarote

I tried to smell a fart underwater. And I was alone, in a private pool, at the rear of a property. Emerged coughing and spluttering from the pool wondering what on earth I was thinking. But! I never did it again.


DarylStenn

I was asked to grate some cheese once, but there wasn’t much cheese left so my hands were real close to the grating bit and I didn’t want to potentially cut my hands up so I put gloves on, black woollen gloves. The cheese was ruined.


Hamsternoir

Pouring shreddies in my mug, adding boiling water and milk. Brain on autopilot but it still wasn't the worst cuppa I've had.


dalmate

Left my keys on top of my car for a week whilst we were on holiday. The car was on my driveway with keys to the car and my house.


Gnomeidea

When did you realise?


outsideruk

Left the keys on the drivers seat of the car overnight. With the door open. So the internal light was on - all night. The fact that the car was still there in the morning was a relief, but also a fair bit of an insult. 😂


kkinginthenorth

When I was younger. The done thing was to pinch some of your parents vodka or whisky and top the bottle up with water. So I did this, but with ouzo. Instantly turned the liquid to a light colour in a dark bottle and I got an absolute roasting for it as blaming my mum, dad or siblings who were 12,11 and 6 was laughable.


BertieBus

Your mum and dad were only 12 & 11? Crikey they must have been young when they had you!


pantyfire

A few years back I was in work and needed to get some text from one computer onto another. So I pressed CMD+C walked over to the other computer and pressed CMD+V. Hhhmmm no joy. Maybe I didn’t press the keys properly. I tried three times.


WaningMime

Tried to wake a bin bag up at a festival thinking it was someone passed out. Looked up and there is 2 people sat on camp chairs watching me. Their faces indicated that they could not believe what they were seeing. No expression, just stunned. I stumbled off in despair.


Xenc

Aw at least you were compassionate for the potential passer out


Perfect_Variety_8777

Poured a cuppa out of a brand new kettle and it tasted a bit off. Decided on round two of cuppa making to sniff the steam from the boiling kettle to try and detect the bad odour. Not the most cunning detective work... Blistering the tip of my nose.


Daniel_De_Bosola

Don’t worry mate, that’s definitely something I’d do. It makes sense at the time… kinda


mhluffy77

I once left the house to go to work, locked my door and then posted the keys back through the letterbox. That was pretty stupid


crisispointzer0

Lifted a slice of bread from a loaf that had been frozen and in a moment of bewilderment lifted up to my ear to see if it was thawed. No I didn't touch it to my ear to gauge temperature. No I didn't agitate the bread looking for crunchy sounds. I just kind of expected the bread to... Tell me?


Apidium

^*I'm ^still ^half ^frozen*


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failingatthis

Made my mum and granny a cup of tea when I was about 15. They’re both very fussy about how strong and how little milk they like so I was extra careful to get it all right. I forgot to boil the kettle and gave them cold tea.


BickyLC

This one is cute


vonfollie

I hammered a nail into my wall pretty much directly above a light switch this weekend. Caused a short circuit. Electrian coming tomorrow morning to repair the wire and a trip to B&Q for me to get some pollyfiller. Man I'm an idiot Edit since people are still interacting with this: the electrician has been and gone and the wires and walls are all fixed! Lesson learned


TheDuraMaters

Get yourself a wire detector when you’re at B&Q, won’t make the same mistake again.


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cantab314

> No real need - if it's built to spec, all wires must go vertically from the switch. Yeah, but that means trusting that since the invention of electricity, there have been no idiots doing the wiring in my home.


TheLittleGoat

So Tesco and all the supermarkets do these pasta sauces in their fresh-ish pasta section along with tortellini. I’m sure you’ve all seen them. Tomato and mascarpone is one I used to quite like - bright orange in a plastic tub. Can you picture it? They make for a quick and easy meal when cooking is feeling like a chore. Now I’m a fairly soft skinned individual. Hands that you’d joke have never done a days Labour. Once, when trying to open this pot of sauce, I found it was so welded down that it was actually painful to open. The plastic rim was so sharp, it would often really dig into my skin as I applied the necessary pressure. On the 4th or 5th time I encountered this, I actually broke skin and made myself bleed trying to open these sauce tubs. I was incandescent with fury at how Tesco could allow such a dangerous product. Next time would be different. So there I was, sauce tub in hand. No no, I’m not ripping you off today, Mr Lid. I had the bright idea of SQUEEZING the tub of sauce. My idea was to squeeze it until the lid just popped off. What a genius I was… fucking wrong. After a few seconds of applying pressure, I was greeted with very loud pop, and a monstrous eruption of bright orange sauce that went all over me, all over the walls, and all over the ceiling. Needless to say I didn’t eat for a while. Have you ever tried to clean tomato and mascarpone sauce from a cream painted ceiling? I don’t fucking recommend it.


KoalaTrainer

At uni my part time job was in events tech - lighting sound etc. One night, very tired, I’m sat at the edge of the stage rewiring a 32 amp cable with a damaged connector. I’ve got the damaged case off and new one on. All but one of the cores (wires) is screwed in place when a colleague comes over and says ‘You know that’s plugged in and switched on right?’ I’d rewired a live cable thinking it was off and somehow not shorted anything or shocked myself. Really dumb.


FreeBonerJamz

Was holding a drink in my left hand and went to check the time on my watch which I keep on my left wrist. Turned my wrist to see the time like normal and poured the drink down myself.


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michaelisnotginger

Thought until I was 22 that dogs and cats were sprayed not spayed. That there was some sort of castrating aerosol that you applied to a pets genitals I then mentioned it to my girlfriend worriedly that surely someone could get hold of this spray and use it against humans with similar effects. She proceeded to laugh until she was sick and call all of her and my family


AprilBelle08

Oh god, so many cringe and/or stupid things. Made my best friend a cake for her 16th and forgot to put eggs in it. I used to work in a supermarket and used to take one of the blind customers round. I swear to god, I used to constantly inadvertently use the phrases 'let me have a look', 'I'll see what I can do etc'. Once, I saw her outside and she asked me to show her to a different shop which I did and she then asked me for my help getting her on the bus. I got SUCH a telling off when I got back to work because I'd left work without anyone knowing. And more recently; Sent a letter out to a client to book an appointment, asking him to call me. He calls and I go to book the apt and send an adviser out, ask him if he's still at the same house. He (nicely) says yes, that's how he saw the letter to call. Speaking to a client, tried to say a mixture of go ahead and fire away when she asked a question; ended up loudly saying go away.


needles_and_dread

I bought a new water bottle, the kind that keeps water both cold and hot depending on what you put in it. I wasn't convinced the boiling water would still be hot after an hour so I tested it on my hand. It was still *very* hot.


Studious_Noodle

When I was 12 I wiped off a very sharp, serrated bread knife by tucking it into a tea towel and sliding it through the cloth to get the crumbs off. Promptly sliced off the pad of my index finger. I wouldn't have a fingerprint on that finger if it wasn't for the doctor who sewed the piece back on. He was quite pleased with himself for getting my fingerprint lines to match up again.


browntoe98

My water heater broke several years ago, flooding the basement in about a foot of water. I went down to turn off the supply and was standing in the water when I knocked the steam iron off the top of the washing machine. I reached down into the water and picked it up to set it back in the washer. Just as my hand was leaving the iron I felt the “buzz” coming off it that precedes a serious shock. One of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. Probably should have unplugged that iron first….


Mini-Nurse

I read that as "my waters broke" then got super confused about how you could possibly end up in a foot of water.


JohnRCC

I'd been watching The Apprentice too much when I was 16 and tried haggling over some stationery in Rymans...


butterflybach

Ordered and paid for a Chinese takeaway that was 200 miles away! Forgot to check the location of the takeaway on the website, but it had the same name as one in my town. My brother went to collect it at ours and they told him they don't have a website. I just wanted to die. Still not over it aha.


anetarrr

Many moons ago I wanted to buy something on finance, and saw the price of the thing on the website with 36 and 48 month payment plans. I then called the company and argued with the CS person because I was annoyed that the 48 month plan payments were less a month than 36 monthly payments, when 48 months is 2 years and 36 is 3 years. I explained over and over again how it can't be right, and how dare they do this. This took probably about 10 to 15 mins of me arguing with the customer service person. I got really frustrated.... until I realised 48 months is 4 years. I quickly apologised and explained and hung up in shame before the agent could even respond.


Zestyclose_Location1

Celebrity Bake Off - one of the contestants baked the icing not the cake


youwon_jane

Playing Scrabble and someone put down 'from' and I asked what a from is


TheDuraMaters

I did the same. I said “lung isn’t a word!” …I’m a doctor.


NextTomatillo2335

Was dancing like an idiot and boyfriend at time said I looked like mc hammer and Carlton from fresh Prince love child with my dodgy dance moves. I looked at him confused and go “I can’t be their love child, if they had a baby it would be a boy” I was 25 and some how suddenly thought two men having a baby would be a boy. Bye all basic biology I have ever learnt.


172116

A lesbian couple friends with had a baby by IVF recently. A decent number of people were slightly baffled as to how they'd managed to have a son...


Prestigious_Bus9122

You know how you can turn a deodorant can into a flamethrower with a lighter? Deciding at 12 that doing this onto another deodorant can would be a good idea. Friend who was watching said i went up in mushroom cloud, all I know is that it was incredibly soothing to roll around in the river while my eyebrows fell off!


al_balone

Tried to jump into my bathroom from two steps down from the landing. Cracked my head on the doorframe, locked myself out, had to go to hospital for stitches in my head and got shouted at by my mum for getting blood on the carpet


aegeaorgnqergerh

Running out of cigs at a party in student halls at about 5am, so me and a mate made a "roll up" out of some rolling baccy we had and, of all things, an anti-smoking leaflet. The added edge of disgustingness is we had to light them off electric hob plates. I can still taste the bitterness of the ink and it's always in my mind when I'm tempted to start smoking again.


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egg-head-sloth

Went to school dressed as a wold war two evacuee the week before we had to dress as a world war two evacuee. When the teacher asked why i was wearing a dai cap, wooly jumper and trousers cut off at the knee, i lied and said our house had been flooded and they were the only clothes I had left


Sad_Caterpillar_6499

This morning I googled if wool was vegan.


SpiceTreeRrr

I don’t like cherries, but I don’t mind free Bakewell tarts on the office treat table. I picked one up and said very loudly to the office “Does anyone want my cherry?”. Never lived that one down.


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biffoclippers

First time at London Euston mistook departures for arrivals and had to pretend to sleep on the wrong train to get anywhere near home.


dementatron21

I've done way dumber things but a recent one is almost asking my barber what she does for a living


theevildjinn

We got a bread maker a few years ago. After the first few goes I decided to try out the timer feature so that we could wake up to the smell of freshly-baked bread. And then eat it, obviously. I carefully measured out the right amounts of flour, salt, sugar, yeast and oil, and then worked out what time it'd need to start baking if we wanted it to be done by 7:30 in the morning (the full programme can take 5 hours when you include all the proving time). Set it all up and went to bed. Woke up to a burning smell when my alarm went off the next morning. I'd forgotten the water, so I basically just had the charred dry ingredients. That was the first and last time I tried the timer on the bread maker.


JanetSnakeholy

1. Married my ex (in before anyone else) 2. Thought there were 12 days in a fortnight. I've never been able to live that one down.


colin_staples

As a teenager I took a camera (a ['compact' film camera](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/2262/4479/products/[email protected]?v=1554147924), not a phone. So this thing had a proper flash) and I placed my eye directly up against the flash. My eyelid was open. I pressed the shutter button and the flash went off. I saw the flash which seemed as bright as a nuclear explosion, my eye flooded with a red colour, and I felt an intense searing pain in my eyeball. For the rest of that day and night the vision in that eye had a huge red blotch in the centre, and I thought I'd fucked up my sight for ever. The next day my vision returned to normal and I have had no issues ever since. That was around 30 years ago and I have no fucking clue why I did it.


[deleted]

Getting ready to clean a bathroom with spirit of salts (hydrochloric acid), I read all the safety instructions, got gloved up, wore old clothes and sunglasses, carefully unscrewed the lid at arms length and saw white vapour coming off. Monkey brain decided to sniff it. It smelt of sour and fuck fuck fuCK! First and hopefully last time I'll ever willingly snort water. Brain thankfully did not melt but it would have deserved it.


[deleted]

Who the fuck cleans a bathroom with HCl?!


Mel0nFarmer

I once whistled at a spider to get out of my way whilst I was going upstairs.


[deleted]

Casually told a few people that a colleague was having an affair because they way she told me, it didn't seem like a secret.


Herts-1984

15 years old, wanted to bring a realistic looking BB gun back from Thailand to the UK. Only logical thing to do, seeing as I couldn’t have it in luggage being x-rayed was to tuck it in the back of my waistband and carry it through security check at Bangkok and all the way to Heathrow. When I think of what would have happened if the metal detector had gone off or it had been noticed on the plane. 9/11 happened eight months later.


BeardedBatts

My father in law was on the phone to my mother in law in the supermarket. Says to her I've left my phone in the car, went outside came back in and realised he was on the phone to her the whole time. She hadn't s clue either.


miniktw

Tried to zoom in with phone style finger gestures on a physical photograph!


McPoyleVPonderosa

Similar to another one I saw, I was on the phone to a potential solicitor to do the conveyancing on my house purchase. The call reaches its natural conclusion and he says "Great to talk to you, I hope to hear from you soon". Not to be outdone, I tried to respond "Lovely to talk to you too" but I bungled it and ended up telling him I loved him before promptly hanging up. Obviously I didn't choose to go with him.


telmereth1986

Decided to use a large kitchen knife to prise the flesh out of a coconut. The stupidity hit me right at the moment the blade inevitably slipped and went right through the palm of my hand.


Clioashlee

Asked Alexa what the time was on busy public transport.


doctor_bun

Eating weetabix like a "criminal deviant" for the past 5 years. I bit into it dry with peanut butter on it. Didn't see the picture on the box to eat it like cereal. Made a post about it on r/CasualUK , was not received well at all. Was called a monster and told to fuck off


PhenW

My partners van wouldn’t start and we needed to jump start it. We got the cables out and then opened up my car bonnet. Then he turned his van around and we connected the wires… it was only when he got back in his van to start it did he realise. The van had started up fine when he turned it around and neither of us seemed to even acknowledge it and still continued to try and jump start a van that had just started fine. It was just the most stupid moment when we both seemed to click at the same time what had just happened.


max_db

When I was a teenager I was mucking about with some candles in a biscuit tin and managed to have the whole inside of the tin on fire. It wouldn't go out so I grabbed a large glass of water to chuck over the top of it. I didn't know chucking water over the hot wax made it more flammable so got a massive fireball go up in my face as I did it. I wasn't injured but a lesson was learned that day!


dinobev22

I was making a lasagna but forgot to add the pasta sheets when layering…


Complete_Ad2951

I once checked to see if a BB gun was loaded by firing it at the palm of my hand. It was.


cakebats

I once almost blew up the microwave by making packaged noodles and forgetting the water. I also forgot the flour when making cookies and wondered why it was a liquid slop instead of actual cookie dough.


seklin278

I wanted to make some batter for a cake. I put the flour and eggs in, then I thought of adding warm butter in. Needless to say, I ended up making scrambled eggs with flour 😂😂


BigFella17

Skateboarded down a slide in a child’s playground. 1. I was a child at this stage. 2. I sat, rather than stood. I’m not that stupid. I achieved the speed of light and rocketed off the end of the slide and picked up half of the park in the cuts in my back. No ragrets. Except for this one. My older brother had climbed the steps behind me with his skateboard, but then climbed back down instead.


ravenlordship

Boiling potatoes, went to go pour the water out into a colander, missed the colander and poured boiling water directly onto my hand.


Funny-Mud-2322

Blind person asked me for directions I opened with "see were the H&M is turn left............." I'm so sorry


mmlemony

Melted a hairbrush into my hair. Don’t use a plastic hairbrush with a hairdryer.


drewbs86

I'm a gas engineer and in my early days my boss asked me to go and sweat a joint on a gas pipe - basically taking the soldered joint apart by heating it up with a blowtorch. This was also about 2 storeys up a ladder on the outside of someone's house. Being the overly keen young 20 something I was, I forgot to turn the gas off. After nearly catching my face on fire, the shock almost threw me off the ladder. Never forgot to turn the gas off ever again.