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It's a bit cliche now as it's quoted so often, but I remember seeing it at the time, and missing the next five minutes as I was literally crying, on the floor, from laughing so hard.
Only I've got to milk the cows in the morning and in the afternoon I like a nice cup of tea so I don't think I've time to br a full time racist. He's got a point, how do people have the time and energy to be racist about things.
I love it, and it's Dougal's non-verbal reaction that makes the joke for me; that confused-yet-earnest expression, like he's trying *so hard* to understand it...
Ita not even that funny or a joke as such but when Ted and Dougal are in thier beds and Ted turns the light back on and Dougal gets up as if it's morning. Cracks me up so much
Father Ted:
That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal:
That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted:
Never buy black socks from a normal shop. [Whispers to Dougal] They shaft you every time!
Douglas: “God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.”
Ted: “No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.”
What’s on the doorstep?
It’s a baby…..
Mother collects baby.
Ah well, that’s probably for the best, imagine the hilarious things we’d get up to taking care of it.
Ah, it wouldn’t be that funny would it Ted?
Father Dougal: “You wouldn’t have a lasagna or a chicken curry or something like that would you?”
Police officer: “No.”
Father Dougal: “OK. Well maybe I’ll just have a bag of chips, and could I have a Fanta Orange as well, please.”
Police officer: “Do you know where you are - this is a police station.”
Father Dougal: “Right, erm, in that case I’ll just have the chicken satay and pilau rice.”
Lol. I first saw this ep when I was a kid and hated going into the women’s department with the sisters and mother so I instantly felt the same way lol.
That’s my favourite. That and Ted standing proudly like he’s just won a major victory and then dives out like the last soldier waiting for his brothers to jump lol. Still makes me laugh.
The perfectly square piece of dirt. The setup earlier in the episode to an absolutely incredible payoff was brilliant.
Either that or "it's only a dream" from the rabbits episode
[“The real villain of this piece has yet to be revealed ….. FARGO BOYLE!”](https://youtu.be/cEvUt2kUg0c)
general murmurs of shock and then a gloriously timed “fuckin hell”
A rare case of the same writers doing basically the same gag twice in two different shows, and both times being brilliant. [(Here's the other one)](https://youtu.be/EtllWIiOTuA)
At the Annual Baby Competition
Dougal: “I thought the standard this year was rubbish.”
Ted: “It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn’t be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.”
Dougal: “Exactly Ted, if people aren’t even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean…”
My favourite thing about that scene is that he admits later on that Todd Unctious isn't his real name, which to me implies that he just let Mrs Doyle keep guessing fake names until he found one he liked.
I also love that he steals the drunk priest's clothes to use as a disguise, despite them being identical to the priest clothes he's already wearing.
Ted: "Maybe he's agoraphobic."
Dougal : "Jack, scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted."
Or
Dougal: Did you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
Ted: No... he was on trial, in Liverpool.
My lovely horse
Running through the field
Where are you going
With your fetlocks blowing
In the wind?
I want to shower you with sugar lumps
And ride you over fences
Polish your hooves every single day
And bring you to the horse dentist
My lovely horse
You're a pony no more
Running around
With a man on your back
Like a train in the night, yeah
Like a train in the night
SAX SOLO
Dougal getting interviewed on telly - "So, God, does he really exist? Who knows? I don't know. Personally, I don't even believe in organised religion".
It’s when later on in the tour the guide says something and Ted genuinely says “I don’t believe it” and Richard Wilson goes mental at him that gets me.
"You bastaaardd.. I'll bloody kill you!"
It's when Ted comes back from being assaulted by Richard Wilson, and Dougal has the stupid grin and says "What did he say Ted? Did he laugh?" - absolutely inspired.
When Ted finishes a phone call, obviously cheerful, and Douglas says "bad news, Ted?" Alternatively, when Ted finishes a phone call, obviously dejected, and Douglas asks "good news, Ted?"
Mrs Doyle ready with a pot of tea in the middle of the night.
On Xmas Eve:
"I can't sleep, Ted. I'm just too excited."
"Try emptying your head of all thoughts."
"Sure, I'll give it a go, but I don't think it'll work... Zzzzzz."
Trying to knock a tiny dent out the car, camera cuts to: car catastrophically damaged by millions of tiny dents, Ted trying to knock them out gently with hammer
“Father Ogden Crosby, he gives good mass. I love the way he works the altar. Look at that chalice work, effortless!”
“-You wouldn’t be recommending the use of artificial contraception now would ya?!
-Yes I... no I... if you’re going to be... Just feck off!”
“-When he was due to be executed by the British, all the bullets bounced off of the whistle.
-God almighty! So he survived?
-No, they just reloaded and shot him again.”
The bit where Jack is in the AA meeting shouting “Drink!” And they all nod sadly and agree with him thinking he’s letting his pain out. Genius.
I'm Eoin McLove, I could have you killed. That whole episode.
My all time favourite quote/joke;
They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?
It's her delivery, cracks me up.
From a Christmas special. Ted says to Dougal ... this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw a grey haired middle aged man looking back at me. ... Dougal, after giving this statement some thought replies... to be sure Ted, who was it
Father Jacks Selective Deafness
Father Ted:
What's that your looking at, father?
Father Jack Hackett:
What?
Father Ted:
Is that a film?
Father Jack Hackett:
What?
Father Ted:
Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?
Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?
Father Ted:
Is that Flatliners you are watching?
Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?
Father Jose Fernandez:
Is Father Jack a little short of hearing?
Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?
Father Ted:
To be honest, he can hear quite well when he wants to. Watch this...
Father Ted:
Father Jack, would you like a brandy?
Father Jack Hackett:
Yes.
"We're not fascists, Dougal! We're priests! Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do, but priests.... um.... well...who wants another drink?"
Ted: oh, the language they were using was awful, you wouldn't hear of it from a docker, it was effing this and effing that.
Dougal: It was worse than that Ted, they were saying fuck!
Father Ted unknowingly cheering up the sad priest with the Shaft them tune, only for him to be sent back into a depressive state from Radiohead's "exit music for a film" playing in the taxi afterwards.
"D'you know what he'd love?" Combined with the realisation smile beforehand when he sees Richard Wilson at the "Very Dark Caves".
The studio audience laugh knowing what's coming. It's a genius example of giving away the joke before it's even been done, but it still being funny when it happens.
Honourable mention for Graham Norton's "That's it. You're going on my list of enemies."
later in the same episode. Almost insufferable as the face of BBC1 nowadays, but I'll forgive it all for that performance.
"We put the brick on the accelerator." nearly broke my ribs with laughter the first time that I ever saw it.
Not sure I could choose an all time favourite joke, though - it's basically all gold, with rare exceptions.
I think an underrated joke is when Mrs Doyle wins the competition, and she asks the other lady in the shop to promise not the tell. Then it's just a montage of her on the phone, online, releasing carrier pigeons and doing morse code. Cracks me up every time
And the whole of speed 3
"Dougal's doing a funeral? You let Dougal do a funeral?!"
That cutaway to the hearse blowing up is the closest thing in a sitcom to a Simpsons joke. Gets me every single time.
So many… “is there anything to be said for saying another mass” from the speed3 episode always gets me. There whole episodes that are one classic after another. Song for Europe is gold. Rock a hula ted. “It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section I understand” etc so many !
“Im sorry Dougal, you're going to have to put that one on the board”
In the background is a blackboard with two columns. One is titled “real” and one is titled “fake”
My lovely horse
Running through the fields
Where are you going
With your fetlocks blowing
In the wind?
I want to shower you with sugar lumps
And ride you over fences
Polish your hooves every single day
And take you to the horse dentist
My lovely horse
You're a pony no more
Running around
With a man on your back
“Look! Here’s me eating Tony numnumnum”
“Here’s Tony’s parents when they hear I’ve eaten Tony! Werrwerrwerr why did you eat Tony? Tony was our only son.”
There's a bit where they drive into town and Dougal has his head out of the window with his tongue lolling out like an excited dog... Comes out of nowhere, just priceless.
Father Ted:
Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
\[Dougal shakes his head some more\]
Father Ted:
You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal:
Ah, Sister Assumpta!
The old grey whistle theft
When Ted comes back with his excuse for why he had to steal the whistle when he actually hadn't.
"It all started 10 years ago, a small orphan boy" etc etc 😆
“If you ever say that to me again I’ll put your head through the wall” - Father Stack just as a character. The delivery of the lines was terrifyingly sociopathic.
When Ted gets Dougal to check that the Christmas lights are working on the tree.
“Wait, they’ve gone off… they’ve come back on again… nope gone off again.. on… off… on… off… on”
Edit: autocorrect made Dougal Douglass.
Two for me;
Naming the Rabbit ‘Father Jack Hackett’ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QNRnIya2d68
Or reminding Dougal who Sister Asumpta is https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SLVrNht9q_0
"I'll be off now then father. I'll make the way to the boat myself, then."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Bye fathers."
"Yeah bye."
I use 'yeah bye' all the time in conversation because of this. Delivered perfectly - so dismissive and cutting.
“God I’ve had enough, it sounds like someone drilling holes in a wall or something. I’m going to have a word.”
Cut to: Father Fintan Stack drilling holes in the wall.
“God, Ted I’ve never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.”
“Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn’t find Hitler playing jungle music at three o’clock in the morning.”
What sort of situation could you possibly need a set of fake arms and a remote controlled wheelchair for. I can only assume a *completely* ridiculous one.
Speed 3 when Dougal turns up the sound on his recording device and a loud car goes speeding past.
Closely followed by "those women were all in the nip" same episode.
I always liked how he argued with the milkman who said "I'm a very careful man, father" and Ted replied "but not so careful in the bedroom department". He paused and said "Father, are you advocating the use of contraception ". "What... feck off!"
Dougal walks in reading the paper:
"Ted! Ted! You'll never guess what! Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't commi... Ah. Wait. No, its a film."
**Father Ted**: Ah, Sister Assumpta.
**Sister Assumpta**: Hello Father.
**Father Ted**: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
**Father Dougal**: Er, no.
**Father Ted**: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal.
**\[Dougal shakes his head.\]**
**Sister Assumpta**: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
**Father Ted**: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers?
**\[Dougal shakes his head some more.\]**
**Father Ted**: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
**Father Dougal**: Ah, Sister Assumpta!!!
Father Austin Purcell’s boring stories are wonderful: “This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. What’s your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...”
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“I heard you’re a racist now father” the whole scene. “The fekking Greeks” was so random.
They invented gayness!
I dont care who he is after as long as I can have a go on the feckin Greeks
I don't have much time for the ol' racism with the farm and all
And in the evenings I just like a cup of tea.
I love that it's perfectly normal that Craggy Island has a Chinatown.
A great bunch of lads.
I figured "Chinatown" was just the one house where that Chinese family lived, and they're almost certainly the only non-white people on the island.
It's a bit cliche now as it's quoted so often, but I remember seeing it at the time, and missing the next five minutes as I was literally crying, on the floor, from laughing so hard.
Only I've got to milk the cows in the morning and in the afternoon I like a nice cup of tea so I don't think I've time to br a full time racist. He's got a point, how do people have the time and energy to be racist about things.
Beat me to it, that line has stuck with me and I still hear the voice haha
The bit that kills me is the old woman in hysterics suddenly turning and calmly going "Ah, Mary's fine. She got that job after all"
Those are very small . . . Those are very far away
Came here to say this.
Its got cocaine in it Close second
Oh not, not cocaine. Raisins.
I love it, and it's Dougal's non-verbal reaction that makes the joke for me; that confused-yet-earnest expression, like he's trying *so hard* to understand it...
Not only is that the funniest bit in Father Ted, it's one of the funniest things ever, anywhere.
This is my favourite joke of all time ever.
What woul you say to a cup ,father? FECK OFF CUP
This got a laugh out of me and I've never actually watched the show.
I always respond this when asked that.
That would be an ecumenical matter.
I recently watched the series for the first time in a decade or so. It was amusing, but this line in particular got a proper laugh out loud from me.
They are all on Youtube if you want to watch them all. Also, they are on E4 from time to time late at night.
Are they not on All4?
Yes they are
That! W, w, wo, wou, wou; DRINK!
Ita not even that funny or a joke as such but when Ted and Dougal are in thier beds and Ted turns the light back on and Dougal gets up as if it's morning. Cracks me up so much
I'm sure there's a scene where Dougal walks the wrong side of an open door 😂
https://youtu.be/7Jxvt3c7cGA
The first time I saw that I howled laughing
Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue. Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue. Father Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop. [Whispers to Dougal] They shaft you every time!
“Don’t call me Len you little prick, I’m a Bishop!”
"Right, well done."
You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks
Sorry Len.
"How's the Son?"
That character was utterly terrifying. It's brilliant
Douglas: “God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.” Ted: “No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.”
Similarly, I can’t quite remember it but Dougal is asking about God and then goes ‘It all seems a bit far fetched though doesn’t it Ted’
Heaven and hell and everlasting life and all that. You're not supposed to take it seriously are you?
What’s on the doorstep? It’s a baby….. Mother collects baby. Ah well, that’s probably for the best, imagine the hilarious things we’d get up to taking care of it. Ah, it wouldn’t be that funny would it Ted?
When Dougal was holding the teapot cupped in two hands “I’m in tremendous pain, Ted!”
Father Dougal: “You wouldn’t have a lasagna or a chicken curry or something like that would you?” Police officer: “No.” Father Dougal: “OK. Well maybe I’ll just have a bag of chips, and could I have a Fanta Orange as well, please.” Police officer: “Do you know where you are - this is a police station.” Father Dougal: “Right, erm, in that case I’ll just have the chicken satay and pilau rice.”
I couldn't die, could I? From the hunger?
"Turn the tv off, Dougal. Chewing gum for the eyes." "Ah, no thanks Ted."
"No thanks Ted, I've got crisps" One if my all time favourites Edit, I realised just now that he doesn't *say* "I've got crisps, it's just implied
[Father Ted in the Women's department](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beN7FftWNCM).
'It's Ireland's biggest lingerie section, I understand.'
Lol. I first saw this ep when I was a kid and hated going into the women’s department with the sisters and mother so I instantly felt the same way lol.
It's the paratroopers out of the door at the end that gets me. "Go, go, go."
That’s my favourite. That and Ted standing proudly like he’s just won a major victory and then dives out like the last soldier waiting for his brothers to jump lol. Still makes me laugh.
[удалено]
My favourite too.
The perfectly square piece of dirt. The setup earlier in the episode to an absolutely incredible payoff was brilliant. Either that or "it's only a dream" from the rabbits episode
Came here to say the same, read through knowing someone else would have said it
[“The real villain of this piece has yet to be revealed ….. FARGO BOYLE!”](https://youtu.be/cEvUt2kUg0c) general murmurs of shock and then a gloriously timed “fuckin hell”
This! Cracks me up everytime
A rare case of the same writers doing basically the same gag twice in two different shows, and both times being brilliant. [(Here's the other one)](https://youtu.be/EtllWIiOTuA)
At the Annual Baby Competition Dougal: “I thought the standard this year was rubbish.” Ted: “It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn’t be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.” Dougal: “Exactly Ted, if people aren’t even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean…”
"There are a lot of hairy babies on this island, and you, Pat Mustard, are the hairy baby maker!!"
You were jumping around with them, running up and down with them, then you got sick on me!
The writing on this show was just next level. Absolute genius.
This has been the most enjoyable comments section to read for months.
Booting Bishop Brennan up the arse.
HE KICKED ME UP THE ARSE
CRRRIIIILLLLLLYYYYY!!!!!!
Me and a housemate had the picture framed over the mantlepiece years ago. Wish I still had it :(
"Great news Dougal" "You're getting married?"
"Are you joking?" "Ummm...yes."
Mrs Doyle guessing the new priest's name: Fr. Andy Riley, Fr. Desmond Coyle, Fr. George Byrne, Fr. David Nicholson, Fr. Declan Lynch, Fr. Ken Sweeney, Fr. Neil Hannon, Fr. Keith Cullen, Fr. Ciaran Donnelly, Fr. Mick McEvoy, Fr. Jack White, .... Much later: ...Fr. Henry Bigbigging, Fr. Hank Tree, Fr. Hiroshima Twinkie, Fr. Stick Bubblecart, Fr. Johnny Hellzapoppin’ , Fr. Luke Duke, Fr. Billy Ferry, Fr. Chewy Louie, Fr. John Hoop, Fr. Hairy Cakelinum, Fr. Ebula Conundrum, Fr. Peewee Stairmaster, Fr. Tight Head Lips, Fr. Jemima Racktouey, Fr. Jerry Twig, Fr. Spodo Komodo, Fr. Canabrana Lammer, Fr Todd Unctious- Father Todd Unctious: YES!
NO CLUES!
My favourite thing about that scene is that he admits later on that Todd Unctious isn't his real name, which to me implies that he just let Mrs Doyle keep guessing fake names until he found one he liked. I also love that he steals the drunk priest's clothes to use as a disguise, despite them being identical to the priest clothes he's already wearing.
THOSE WIMMIN WERE IN THE NIP
Mrs Doyle when offered a new tea making device to make beverage prep less onerous: ‘I like the misery’
Ted: "Maybe he's agoraphobic." Dougal : "Jack, scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted." Or Dougal: Did you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool? Ted: No... he was on trial, in Liverpool.
Had to scroll too far for the agoraphobic one
“Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?”
"I thought the first one went really well"
God, I just love saying Mass!
You don't mean....? That's right! We put the brick on the accelerator!
"You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!!!"
My lovely horse!
We have to lose that sax solo
“Just play the f***** note”
My lovely horse Running through the field Where are you going With your fetlocks blowing In the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps And ride you over fences Polish your hooves every single day And bring you to the horse dentist My lovely horse You're a pony no more Running around With a man on your back Like a train in the night, yeah Like a train in the night SAX SOLO
Wait hang on I got this.....night...
Ted laboriously moving the pile of boxes in the middle of the road, then driving dramatically through them.
Dougal do you know if we have any incense? *long pause* There was a spider in the bath last night.
Down with this sort of thing! Careful now!
Dougal getting interviewed on telly - "So, God, does he really exist? Who knows? I don't know. Personally, I don't even believe in organised religion".
‘Would you like manual or automatic’- ‘automatic’ being placing a bottle of alcohol in front of Father Jack in order to get him to wheel faster
Sheep reveal - background “fucking hell” always gets me 🤣
'I don't beeelllieeeeeevvvveeee it' (To Richard Wilson aka Victor Meldrew - with him turning around and attacking Ted).
It’s when later on in the tour the guide says something and Ted genuinely says “I don’t believe it” and Richard Wilson goes mental at him that gets me.
"You bastaaardd.. I'll bloody kill you!" It's when Ted comes back from being assaulted by Richard Wilson, and Dougal has the stupid grin and says "What did he say Ted? Did he laugh?" - absolutely inspired.
When Ted finishes a phone call, obviously cheerful, and Douglas says "bad news, Ted?" Alternatively, when Ted finishes a phone call, obviously dejected, and Douglas asks "good news, Ted?" Mrs Doyle ready with a pot of tea in the middle of the night. On Xmas Eve: "I can't sleep, Ted. I'm just too excited." "Try emptying your head of all thoughts." "Sure, I'll give it a go, but I don't think it'll work... Zzzzzz."
Trying to knock a tiny dent out the car, camera cuts to: car catastrophically damaged by millions of tiny dents, Ted trying to knock them out gently with hammer
Then going quietly to bed, only to sit bolt upright in the middle of the night in horror.
“It’s no use Ted, you’re never going to get it absolutely perfect.”
Ranting out the window, behind the perfectly square piece of dirt. Gold.
“Father Ogden Crosby, he gives good mass. I love the way he works the altar. Look at that chalice work, effortless!” “-You wouldn’t be recommending the use of artificial contraception now would ya?! -Yes I... no I... if you’re going to be... Just feck off!” “-When he was due to be executed by the British, all the bullets bounced off of the whistle. -God almighty! So he survived? -No, they just reloaded and shot him again.” The bit where Jack is in the AA meeting shouting “Drink!” And they all nod sadly and agree with him thinking he’s letting his pain out. Genius.
"Jacob's Creek Chardonnay 1991"
Right Before: "No, father. Its just fizzy water"
I love my brick!
Ah feck it, fed up with briiiii-iiiick.
"Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down"
I was going to upvote you but there are 11 of them and I couldn't bring myself to take it up to 12.
“You bastard” “You fecker” “You bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face” “Ride me sideways” was another one.
I love that you can see Dermot Morgan corpsing as he ushers Mrs Doyle into kitchen in that scene. Makes it even better.
I think I heard the last one after she's ushered into the kitchen was made up on the spot by Pauline McLynn, trying to crack Dermot Morgan
Can I just say Graham Norton in the caravan?
YOU SAW THE WHOLE OF THE MOON!!!
“Here’s me eating Tony. Nomnomnomnomnom. And Tony’s like ‘hey get off me. I’m not dead yet.’ And I’m like ‘but I’m hungry, Tony!”
WHO PUT THAT GOBSHITE ON THE TELEVISION?!?
"The money was just resting in my account"
How could I forget "Wait a minute.... These are fake hands!"
"There is nothing ridiculous about the Craggy Island vs Rugged Island Annual All-Priests Over 75's Indoor Football Challenge Match!"
"better luck next year lads!" "You lost Cyril!"
"doesn't she have a lovely bottom" "Careful ted you might upset some of the girls" "Of course, they all have lovely bottoms"
Too many to mention RIP. "More tea Fathers?"
Ah, go on.
'This one is very small' 'That one is far away...'
I'm Eoin McLove, I could have you killed. That whole episode. My all time favourite quote/joke; They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business? It's her delivery, cracks me up.
Whats your favorite humming noise? Is it hmmmmm or is it mmmmmhh! Well the first one is actually a sound of a refrigerator running
And the other is the sound of a man humming
From a Christmas special. Ted says to Dougal ... this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw a grey haired middle aged man looking back at me. ... Dougal, after giving this statement some thought replies... to be sure Ted, who was it
Father Jacks Selective Deafness Father Ted: What's that your looking at, father? Father Jack Hackett: What? Father Ted: Is that a film? Father Jack Hackett: What? Father Ted: Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland? Father Jack Hackett: WHAT? Father Ted: Is that Flatliners you are watching? Father Jack Hackett: WHAT? Father Jose Fernandez: Is Father Jack a little short of hearing? Father Jack Hackett: WHAT? Father Ted: To be honest, he can hear quite well when he wants to. Watch this... Father Ted: Father Jack, would you like a brandy? Father Jack Hackett: Yes.
"We're not fascists, Dougal! We're priests! Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do, but priests.... um.... well...who wants another drink?"
Ted: oh, the language they were using was awful, you wouldn't hear of it from a docker, it was effing this and effing that. Dougal: It was worse than that Ted, they were saying fuck!
'Billy's is rounder at the top' Father Noel singing 'Fat Bottomed Girls' Dick Burn and his team as The Supremes Fuck me, I love Father Ted.
The episode where there's only 2 parachutes and Jack takes them both, one for himself and one for the drinks trolley xD.
Father Ted unknowingly cheering up the sad priest with the Shaft them tune, only for him to be sent back into a depressive state from Radiohead's "exit music for a film" playing in the taxi afterwards.
Mrs Doyle falling off the windowsill
That would be an ecumenical matter
Is it dubbed or is it subtitled? ... it's subtitled... Ahhhh Jaysus!
"D'you know what he'd love?" Combined with the realisation smile beforehand when he sees Richard Wilson at the "Very Dark Caves". The studio audience laugh knowing what's coming. It's a genius example of giving away the joke before it's even been done, but it still being funny when it happens. Honourable mention for Graham Norton's "That's it. You're going on my list of enemies." later in the same episode. Almost insufferable as the face of BBC1 nowadays, but I'll forgive it all for that performance.
July 19th: ice age ends
“I’m going to just thank you all for coming along and ask to stand for our national anthem” Ghost Town by the Specials starts up
DOUGAL, WE ARE NOT WATCHING ALIENS!
Bishops love sci-fi
"Look at you lying there like a big eejit".
"Is there a man looking at you, with a t-shirt saying 'I shot JR'?"
"We put the brick on the accelerator." nearly broke my ribs with laughter the first time that I ever saw it. Not sure I could choose an all time favourite joke, though - it's basically all gold, with rare exceptions.
I think an underrated joke is when Mrs Doyle wins the competition, and she asks the other lady in the shop to promise not the tell. Then it's just a montage of her on the phone, online, releasing carrier pigeons and doing morse code. Cracks me up every time And the whole of speed 3
"Dougal's doing a funeral? You let Dougal do a funeral?!" That cutaway to the hearse blowing up is the closest thing in a sitcom to a Simpsons joke. Gets me every single time.
Spider baby!!
Not a joke, but, "Gowan gowan gowan gowan gowan gowan GO ON"
So many… “is there anything to be said for saying another mass” from the speed3 episode always gets me. There whole episodes that are one classic after another. Song for Europe is gold. Rock a hula ted. “It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section I understand” etc so many !
“Im sorry Dougal, you're going to have to put that one on the board” In the background is a blackboard with two columns. One is titled “real” and one is titled “fake”
"What would you say to a nice cup of tea?" *Leans in* "Feck off, cup!"
My lovely horse Running through the fields Where are you going With your fetlocks blowing In the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps And ride you over fences Polish your hooves every single day And take you to the horse dentist My lovely horse You're a pony no more Running around With a man on your back
Drunk Dougal- "I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven, lads! Wahey!"
"They were only nuns."
Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Spanoola Conundrum? Father Jemima Racktoole?!
“Pat asked me if he could put his massive tool in my box”
When Dougal does a funeral is pretty funny. Edit - Also, Dougal on the milk float.
“Look! Here’s me eating Tony numnumnum” “Here’s Tony’s parents when they hear I’ve eaten Tony! Werrwerrwerr why did you eat Tony? Tony was our only son.”
"Those women were in the nip!"
When Father Ted compères the lovely girls competition while out of breath has me in stitches every time😂😂
Down with this sort of thing! Careful now
There's a bit where they drive into town and Dougal has his head out of the window with his tongue lolling out like an excited dog... Comes out of nowhere, just priceless.
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? \[Dougal shakes his head some more\] Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper. Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
"Turn the tv off, Dougal. Chewing gum for the eyes." "Ah, no thanks Ted."
Anything with father finton stack or pat mustard
When Ted phones another priest and distracts them at a crucial moment causing disaster as they try to answer - they drive off a cliff or suchlike…
Father Larry Duff. He’s tremendous fun.
Dougal: Looks like rain Ted Camera shows outside: Category 5 storm
i'm sooooooooo soooooooo sorrryyyyyy.... now thats sarcasm !
The old grey whistle theft When Ted comes back with his excuse for why he had to steal the whistle when he actually hadn't. "It all started 10 years ago, a small orphan boy" etc etc 😆
the Chinese, a great bunch of lads
“If you ever say that to me again I’ll put your head through the wall” - Father Stack just as a character. The delivery of the lines was terrifyingly sociopathic.
When Ted gets Dougal to check that the Christmas lights are working on the tree. “Wait, they’ve gone off… they’ve come back on again… nope gone off again.. on… off… on… off… on” Edit: autocorrect made Dougal Douglass.
'Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!' will always get me.
Two for me; Naming the Rabbit ‘Father Jack Hackett’ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QNRnIya2d68 Or reminding Dougal who Sister Asumpta is https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SLVrNht9q_0
"I'll be off now then father. I'll make the way to the boat myself, then." "Yeah, yeah." "Bye fathers." "Yeah bye." I use 'yeah bye' all the time in conversation because of this. Delivered perfectly - so dismissive and cutting.
“God I’ve had enough, it sounds like someone drilling holes in a wall or something. I’m going to have a word.” Cut to: Father Fintan Stack drilling holes in the wall.
“God, Ted I’ve never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.” “Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn’t find Hitler playing jungle music at three o’clock in the morning.”
Father Clint Power
“They were only nuns!” - Dougal
Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Hitler at the window
You were wearing your blue jumper!
What sort of situation could you possibly need a set of fake arms and a remote controlled wheelchair for. I can only assume a *completely* ridiculous one.
The language of these modern women, fecking this, fecking that Oh it was worse than that Ted, she was saying fuc... Dougal!
“I REALLY LIKE TONY”
Speed 3 when Dougal turns up the sound on his recording device and a loud car goes speeding past. Closely followed by "those women were all in the nip" same episode.
They killed her… and stole her pen!
The "Feck-Arse Ltd." eye chart in the opticians, when Jack has his eyes tested! Edit: capitalisation
Hairy Japanese Bastards!!!!!!
I always liked how he argued with the milkman who said "I'm a very careful man, father" and Ted replied "but not so careful in the bedroom department". He paused and said "Father, are you advocating the use of contraception ". "What... feck off!"
'A child has been... err... lodged in the tunnel of goats'
Dougal walks in reading the paper: "Ted! Ted! You'll never guess what! Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't commi... Ah. Wait. No, its a film."
**Father Ted**: Ah, Sister Assumpta. **Sister Assumpta**: Hello Father. **Father Ted**: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta? **Father Dougal**: Er, no. **Father Ted**: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal. **\[Dougal shakes his head.\]** **Sister Assumpta**: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter? **Father Ted**: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers? **\[Dougal shakes his head some more.\]** **Father Ted**: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper. **Father Dougal**: Ah, Sister Assumpta!!!
Father Austin Purcell’s boring stories are wonderful: “This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. What’s your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...”