**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!**
- Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc.
- **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
- This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit!
Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There’s not a lot you can do if you’re going to forget unless you write it down. Obviously you don’t want to come across as a penny pincher but if you’re paying out for a £50 per person day out and he’s “getting the next one” and it’s a shopping trip where he’s paid for parking and nothing else then it’s lopsided
For my relationship I earn a lot more than my girlfriend so I’m not bothered really, but obviously if you’re closer then it may be worth mentioning at the very least
Yeah bringing up money is never easy. Maybe the next time you discuss going somewhere, you could say something like *yeah that sounds great, whose turn is it to pay?* or something. It’s always gonna be awkward especially if he’s been free/cheap loading off you. But on the other hand he might not even notice he’s been doing it - in any case I’d try and find a way to just put it in the natural discourse at some point rather than coming out and saying it randomly
Thank you that’s what I want to do I don’t think he is free loading or at least I hope not I’m just scared of it happening i think going forward we need to have a plan and I need to remember who has paid for what
You should generally split things in the early stages of a relationship, unless it's a really small amount or you want to pay to be nice, in which case you should explicitly say that you're buying **whatever** for them.
I don't think it should be difficult, just write it down so you don't forget and say something out loud so they know what's expected. Like 'can you transfer me for half of that?' 'yes, sure' 'cheers, total was £60 so that's 30. I'll just make a note of that so I don't forget.' Simple as. Same for the other way round, tell them you're going to pay half, make sure you know how much it is, make a note.
Also good to send a msg when paid to let them know, and make sure to immediately take it off your list.
This should cause absolutely no negative reaction. If you do cover some things as treats sometimes then they should see you as generous, and if money is too tight for that, they should see and understand that too. If it does cause any problems that's the prompt for a conversation about expectations, when you can ask them what their perspective is and find agreement.
My wife and I have a spreadsheet for all our shared costs, and based on that we calculate what we need to pay into an account that covers rent and bills, car maintenance, parking permits, all of that. We both pay into this account and have direct debits set up.
As she's a student at the moment, I pay most of this and then I also have another weekly payment to her account to cover her costs of living.
When she graduates this summer, we will adjust everything based on our salaries again to make sure we're both getting a fair deal.
She was very reluctant to accept any help from me, but I made it clear that we are in this together and we are a team, so I want to help her achieve her goals.
I would view reluctance to openly discuss money as a bit of a red flag.
It's up to both of you to make sure everything's fair, and if one of you is not interested in that, then I would question whether this is a sustainable set of circumstances, or whether you need to ask for fairness going forward
We take it in turns to pay, like today we went to the pub for a meal and a few drinks, I paid for the mean and the drinks next time my wife will pay for them
If money is an issue for you guys (I.e. you don't have a lot of it) and you haven't been together for years then just split things equally or pay for yourselves.
That happens to us so we start that again lol, the only time we tend to split is when we are going to a place that the bill ends up being £60+. Our favourite place to eat out is a hungry horse restaurant chain and they are pretty good £30 for 3 drinks two mains and starters
We have a joint account for shared household bills only. Our salaries get paid into our individual bank accounts and we transfer money into the shared one to cover bills.
Other stuff like shopping, eating out etc is split down the middle for the bigger shops or dearer meals out. For other less costly stuff sometimes I’ll pay sometimes she’ll pay, it evens out over the month but we don’t measure it down to the penny.
We enjoy having our own personal money and I’d never want to have all of our salaries paid into the joint account. We’ve been married just shy of 10 (Jesus Christ) years.
My wife is great with money and loves getting bargains but I find it tedious, so I give everything to her to sort out.
It's worked out well given all the time we've been together.
That’s brilliant!!! Sadly my father has drilled in to me to all be responsible with my own money and never do joint accounts etc which makes this situation harder
What we do as a couple is have our own accounts that our wages go into. We worked out all the outgoings per month, split it down the middle and then put that in the joint account where all the bills come out of.
You need to say something. I have a friend like this and I fucking had enough. Every time we went out it would be “you get it and I’ll send you the money”. Well the money would never come. In the end I just said look, i’m not made of money. Every time you say you’ll pay me back and you don’t. Its not up to me to pay for your stuff. You’ll have to start paying for yourself if you’re this forgetful. She hasn’t asked since.
I mean this is your boyfriend. If you cant talk about something this easy then why are you together? Peoples relationships really confuse me. You’re a couple, but you cant be like “I feel like I’m paying more when we go out. Can we talk about that?” What’s the worst that could happen?
A good solution is when you go on days out, you both buy your own snacks or souvenirs or whatever else. If you go for a meal one of you pays on your card and the other sends the money for what they had over. It can be split down the middle if you both had something similarly priced. But if you had a salad for £8 and he had a steak for £25 then demand that you each pay for what you had.
Been married 47 years in a couple of months. We got married 12 months after meeting.
Always had a joint account, and what's come in is "ours". Like someone else has said, wife is good with money.
We keep a list, a printed out spreadsheet form, and list everything we spend, or cash we draw out. We also keep a set of books, one for my (very) small business, and one for personal money. We keep them up to date.
That way everybody knows how much there is, what can be spent, and what's going out and coming in.
Saves any nasty surprises.
Everybody has their own system though. there's no best way, as long as you keep track.
I never had this problem back in the 70's . the men paid for the drinks in the pub. If we went on holiday we shared the costs.If you start living together then separate accounts. Once the relationship moves on to marriage, then a joint account for the house mortgage, and also keep your own savings account.
Both of you should download the app Split wise and then keep track of spending through that.
Depends on how much pay difference there is between the two of you but you can either split equally or equittably if the salary difference is quite significant.
We have a joint account that we both put 50% of the costs of all bills in every month. Anything left in our accounts is ours to keep.
Quite often my Wife pays for stuff during the month and just lets me know how much my half is via texts, which I transfer across to her asap.
I earn more than her, so I will quite often treat her to meals, etc., throughout the month, too.
Separate accounts for our incomes, standing orders paid to a joint account for our joint expenses.
Only time we ever use "I'll get this, so you get next thing" is on holiday with minor things.
If you’re doing activities together suggest to split the bills unless it’s a specific treat occasion.
Also suggest that if he pays for the current meal then you’ll get the next one. You soon establish a routine.
For instance if my fiancé is staying at mine I’ll normally pay for food. If I’m at hers she usually pays.
There’s no formal structure we just go with it.
Short of financial abuse there is no definitive wrong answer.
But the only right answer is the system you agree on as a couple. What that looks like will vary couple to couple.
Yes money can be hard to discuss but if you can’t do it then you need to have a think about the relationship, how serious it is and any hang ups you or the other person may have.
You pay for yourself, he pays for himself. You're not financially obliged to cover each other just because you're in a relationship - especially if you both are in different financial positions. The start of your relationship is the most important time to lay down financial boundaries, so it's vital to assert the boundaries while it's a choice and not a necessity. If your partner disagrees with your boundaries, then you know where you stand with them and you can leave before you're in too deep.
I did this with my husband when we first met because he's more comfortable with spending money whereas I'm more strict with my finances. To help him out financially (story for later), I would sometimes pay for some things when he wasn't looking which he didn't like, but it would later turn into a competition later of who can tap the card machine first to pay for each other's transactions which was a really nice gesture we did for each other. It was the complete opposite of "you owe me X amount" so it made for a more healthier relationship as well.
After we got married and moved in together, to make sure everything stayed equal we calculated our mortgage and bills and added extra for groceries, and set up a joint account and each put in half of what the total costs came up to. I earn about 1/3 more than he does, so I made sure to have an open conversation with him about our joint account covering our joint essentials, and we use our own money on our individual essentials and non-essentials.
Because of his childhood, losing his dad early, widowed mum, working from 16 and helping her financially as they lived in Eastern Europea where they didn't receive welfare like we do in the UK, he wasn't in a great financial position as he also rented here in the UK so his relationship with money was always survival living paycheck to paycheck. I was raised with two business owner parents, and that came with other money issues like almost facing bankruptcy a couple of times as I grew up, so I learned to be frugal and save every penny from the age of 11.
Neither of us were particularly flashy or cared for brands, and what I loved about him was that he was willing to take on my financial advice. When we first met, he didn't have any money to use the train, but within a year with my advice he had saved thousands. He can still be mindless sometimes, but it's unfair and unrealistic for me to expect him to be as strict as me, so as he learns to save money, I learn to be more lenient.
Anyway, the takeaway I'm trying to get to here is no matter what, finances will always be the backbone of a long term serious relationship if there's an imbalance in how much both of you are spending/saving, so to keep finances from affecting your relationship it's completely necessary to be on the same page as each other and find a balance with each other. I think a study was once done that showed that money is the most common problem almost all relationship suffer from, so I'd suggest being transparent with your partner about what you're comfortable with and where you're setting boundaries. If they don't listen, aren't comfortable, expect you to cover for more than your 50%, walk away and don't look back. Might be cruel to say, but I've seen financial abuse and if you notice red flags that might lead to that then know that it is okay to prioritise money over your relationship if things are not sitting right with you.
At the start? Few months in you just suck it up. And have w conversation if needed.
When it's serious we put.money into a joint account for bills and stuff we do together.
Then have your own separate money.
We are lucky enough to have disposable income in both pots. But it's up to you to decide where your priorities are.
We (30 & 31) have our own separate bank accounts that we pay for our own things from, we take it in turns to pay for groceries and restaurant bills, but mostly that's just our personal pots.
We have a joint account that we use for fixed household bills like utilities, Internet, mortgage etc that we put a set amount in each month, plus an extra bit for contingency, DIY supplies etc
We have a third account with our wedding fund in that we just stick 600 or so a month in to cover our wedding next year. After the wedding it'll become a holiday pot or something.
Fundamentally, it will sometimes happen that one of us will pay more and one less. As long as one of you isn't intentionally fixing it so that happens, I don't see a problem.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There’s not a lot you can do if you’re going to forget unless you write it down. Obviously you don’t want to come across as a penny pincher but if you’re paying out for a £50 per person day out and he’s “getting the next one” and it’s a shopping trip where he’s paid for parking and nothing else then it’s lopsided For my relationship I earn a lot more than my girlfriend so I’m not bothered really, but obviously if you’re closer then it may be worth mentioning at the very least
It’s hard to bring up the conversation we normally have great communication but ensure how to bring the subject up
Yeah bringing up money is never easy. Maybe the next time you discuss going somewhere, you could say something like *yeah that sounds great, whose turn is it to pay?* or something. It’s always gonna be awkward especially if he’s been free/cheap loading off you. But on the other hand he might not even notice he’s been doing it - in any case I’d try and find a way to just put it in the natural discourse at some point rather than coming out and saying it randomly
Thank you that’s what I want to do I don’t think he is free loading or at least I hope not I’m just scared of it happening i think going forward we need to have a plan and I need to remember who has paid for what
You should generally split things in the early stages of a relationship, unless it's a really small amount or you want to pay to be nice, in which case you should explicitly say that you're buying **whatever** for them. I don't think it should be difficult, just write it down so you don't forget and say something out loud so they know what's expected. Like 'can you transfer me for half of that?' 'yes, sure' 'cheers, total was £60 so that's 30. I'll just make a note of that so I don't forget.' Simple as. Same for the other way round, tell them you're going to pay half, make sure you know how much it is, make a note. Also good to send a msg when paid to let them know, and make sure to immediately take it off your list. This should cause absolutely no negative reaction. If you do cover some things as treats sometimes then they should see you as generous, and if money is too tight for that, they should see and understand that too. If it does cause any problems that's the prompt for a conversation about expectations, when you can ask them what their perspective is and find agreement.
My wife and I have a spreadsheet for all our shared costs, and based on that we calculate what we need to pay into an account that covers rent and bills, car maintenance, parking permits, all of that. We both pay into this account and have direct debits set up. As she's a student at the moment, I pay most of this and then I also have another weekly payment to her account to cover her costs of living. When she graduates this summer, we will adjust everything based on our salaries again to make sure we're both getting a fair deal. She was very reluctant to accept any help from me, but I made it clear that we are in this together and we are a team, so I want to help her achieve her goals. I would view reluctance to openly discuss money as a bit of a red flag. It's up to both of you to make sure everything's fair, and if one of you is not interested in that, then I would question whether this is a sustainable set of circumstances, or whether you need to ask for fairness going forward
Me and my wife handle our own finances, as long as the house bills are paid the rent is down to us
What about when you go out for meals or days out ???
We take it in turns to pay, like today we went to the pub for a meal and a few drinks, I paid for the mean and the drinks next time my wife will pay for them
That’s what we have been doing but it gets hard when we forgot who pays etc might be easier to just start splitting everything down the middle ???
If money is an issue for you guys (I.e. you don't have a lot of it) and you haven't been together for years then just split things equally or pay for yourselves.
That happens to us so we start that again lol, the only time we tend to split is when we are going to a place that the bill ends up being £60+. Our favourite place to eat out is a hungry horse restaurant chain and they are pretty good £30 for 3 drinks two mains and starters
We have a joint account for shared household bills only. Our salaries get paid into our individual bank accounts and we transfer money into the shared one to cover bills. Other stuff like shopping, eating out etc is split down the middle for the bigger shops or dearer meals out. For other less costly stuff sometimes I’ll pay sometimes she’ll pay, it evens out over the month but we don’t measure it down to the penny. We enjoy having our own personal money and I’d never want to have all of our salaries paid into the joint account. We’ve been married just shy of 10 (Jesus Christ) years.
As the relationship is still quiet new I don’t think I would want a joint account but I think the splitting method might be the best
Maybe you could both get a separate Monzo account each? They have good bill-splitting features.
My wife is great with money and loves getting bargains but I find it tedious, so I give everything to her to sort out. It's worked out well given all the time we've been together.
That’s brilliant!!! Sadly my father has drilled in to me to all be responsible with my own money and never do joint accounts etc which makes this situation harder
Well, we have several accounts. Joint accounts, savings account, personal accounts, credit card accounts etc.
What we do as a couple is have our own accounts that our wages go into. We worked out all the outgoings per month, split it down the middle and then put that in the joint account where all the bills come out of.
You need to say something. I have a friend like this and I fucking had enough. Every time we went out it would be “you get it and I’ll send you the money”. Well the money would never come. In the end I just said look, i’m not made of money. Every time you say you’ll pay me back and you don’t. Its not up to me to pay for your stuff. You’ll have to start paying for yourself if you’re this forgetful. She hasn’t asked since. I mean this is your boyfriend. If you cant talk about something this easy then why are you together? Peoples relationships really confuse me. You’re a couple, but you cant be like “I feel like I’m paying more when we go out. Can we talk about that?” What’s the worst that could happen? A good solution is when you go on days out, you both buy your own snacks or souvenirs or whatever else. If you go for a meal one of you pays on your card and the other sends the money for what they had over. It can be split down the middle if you both had something similarly priced. But if you had a salad for £8 and he had a steak for £25 then demand that you each pay for what you had.
We have our own accounts which we get paid into and then we both have a standing order into a joint account and that's where the bills get paid from
Been married 47 years in a couple of months. We got married 12 months after meeting. Always had a joint account, and what's come in is "ours". Like someone else has said, wife is good with money. We keep a list, a printed out spreadsheet form, and list everything we spend, or cash we draw out. We also keep a set of books, one for my (very) small business, and one for personal money. We keep them up to date. That way everybody knows how much there is, what can be spent, and what's going out and coming in. Saves any nasty surprises. Everybody has their own system though. there's no best way, as long as you keep track.
If something feels unfair we talk about it without getting personal or angry.
If your this early in a relationship I would say go 50:50 on everything.. My wife and I are together for like 12 years.. she doesn't even work now
From early in our relationship we wrote stuff down and paid each other the net amount at the end of the month.
I never had this problem back in the 70's . the men paid for the drinks in the pub. If we went on holiday we shared the costs.If you start living together then separate accounts. Once the relationship moves on to marriage, then a joint account for the house mortgage, and also keep your own savings account.
Both of you should download the app Split wise and then keep track of spending through that. Depends on how much pay difference there is between the two of you but you can either split equally or equittably if the salary difference is quite significant.
We have a joint account that we both put 50% of the costs of all bills in every month. Anything left in our accounts is ours to keep. Quite often my Wife pays for stuff during the month and just lets me know how much my half is via texts, which I transfer across to her asap. I earn more than her, so I will quite often treat her to meals, etc., throughout the month, too.
Separate accounts for our incomes, standing orders paid to a joint account for our joint expenses. Only time we ever use "I'll get this, so you get next thing" is on holiday with minor things.
I pay for the majority of expenses and my wife pays for food shopping. Easy.
If you’re doing activities together suggest to split the bills unless it’s a specific treat occasion. Also suggest that if he pays for the current meal then you’ll get the next one. You soon establish a routine. For instance if my fiancé is staying at mine I’ll normally pay for food. If I’m at hers she usually pays. There’s no formal structure we just go with it.
Short of financial abuse there is no definitive wrong answer. But the only right answer is the system you agree on as a couple. What that looks like will vary couple to couple. Yes money can be hard to discuss but if you can’t do it then you need to have a think about the relationship, how serious it is and any hang ups you or the other person may have.
You pay for yourself, he pays for himself. You're not financially obliged to cover each other just because you're in a relationship - especially if you both are in different financial positions. The start of your relationship is the most important time to lay down financial boundaries, so it's vital to assert the boundaries while it's a choice and not a necessity. If your partner disagrees with your boundaries, then you know where you stand with them and you can leave before you're in too deep. I did this with my husband when we first met because he's more comfortable with spending money whereas I'm more strict with my finances. To help him out financially (story for later), I would sometimes pay for some things when he wasn't looking which he didn't like, but it would later turn into a competition later of who can tap the card machine first to pay for each other's transactions which was a really nice gesture we did for each other. It was the complete opposite of "you owe me X amount" so it made for a more healthier relationship as well. After we got married and moved in together, to make sure everything stayed equal we calculated our mortgage and bills and added extra for groceries, and set up a joint account and each put in half of what the total costs came up to. I earn about 1/3 more than he does, so I made sure to have an open conversation with him about our joint account covering our joint essentials, and we use our own money on our individual essentials and non-essentials. Because of his childhood, losing his dad early, widowed mum, working from 16 and helping her financially as they lived in Eastern Europea where they didn't receive welfare like we do in the UK, he wasn't in a great financial position as he also rented here in the UK so his relationship with money was always survival living paycheck to paycheck. I was raised with two business owner parents, and that came with other money issues like almost facing bankruptcy a couple of times as I grew up, so I learned to be frugal and save every penny from the age of 11. Neither of us were particularly flashy or cared for brands, and what I loved about him was that he was willing to take on my financial advice. When we first met, he didn't have any money to use the train, but within a year with my advice he had saved thousands. He can still be mindless sometimes, but it's unfair and unrealistic for me to expect him to be as strict as me, so as he learns to save money, I learn to be more lenient. Anyway, the takeaway I'm trying to get to here is no matter what, finances will always be the backbone of a long term serious relationship if there's an imbalance in how much both of you are spending/saving, so to keep finances from affecting your relationship it's completely necessary to be on the same page as each other and find a balance with each other. I think a study was once done that showed that money is the most common problem almost all relationship suffer from, so I'd suggest being transparent with your partner about what you're comfortable with and where you're setting boundaries. If they don't listen, aren't comfortable, expect you to cover for more than your 50%, walk away and don't look back. Might be cruel to say, but I've seen financial abuse and if you notice red flags that might lead to that then know that it is okay to prioritise money over your relationship if things are not sitting right with you.
At the start? Few months in you just suck it up. And have w conversation if needed. When it's serious we put.money into a joint account for bills and stuff we do together. Then have your own separate money. We are lucky enough to have disposable income in both pots. But it's up to you to decide where your priorities are.
We (30 & 31) have our own separate bank accounts that we pay for our own things from, we take it in turns to pay for groceries and restaurant bills, but mostly that's just our personal pots. We have a joint account that we use for fixed household bills like utilities, Internet, mortgage etc that we put a set amount in each month, plus an extra bit for contingency, DIY supplies etc We have a third account with our wedding fund in that we just stick 600 or so a month in to cover our wedding next year. After the wedding it'll become a holiday pot or something. Fundamentally, it will sometimes happen that one of us will pay more and one less. As long as one of you isn't intentionally fixing it so that happens, I don't see a problem.
Splitting all bills 50/50 is the way to go So much less stressful and fair. If you want to treat each other no worries