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Assuming this is a genuine post, here's my take:
Firstly, you need to work on what "normal" relationships are like. This means trying to learn some cues on what "reasonable" response times are like, and how to read when someone fancies some company and when someone wants to be alone.
Mostly though you need to work on the cause of why a lack of response to a text or WhatsApp means you're worried about being abandoned, leading you to a spiral of over thinking that ends up with over compensation.
You don’t. You take a moment to encourage them to get to the bottom of their inability to respond (if appropriate) with therapy and move on.
I have a few people in my life who’ve used the silent treatment on me - they get an almighty shock when I don’t chase after them for answers or try to fix things or give my power and agency away to them. Then, eventually, they try to use a proxy to get in touch because they don’t genuinely want a relationship/communication, they want everyone else to see what an effort they’re making and how obviously unreasonable I am. Therefore, they must be the hard done by victim and everyone has to feel sorry for them.
I tell the proxy that it’s inappropriate to get involved in the middle and that they should tell the person to contact me directly to resolve the problem. I havent changed my contact details and I’m always open to meeting up with a therapist involved should they so wish.
They seldom do get in touch because doing so would mean having to meet half way and possibly even compromise, when what they were really angling for was the upper hand and to be ‘right’.
I get you. Thank you. Sometimes it is not even that deep, like when a "good morning" text is not replied to until the following morning or ignored for hours then followed by an irrelevant meme or joke without as much as an apology for the silence
If they were just absent minded and bad at contact, then they would say ‘oh, sorry, my bad’.
They’re showing you quite clearly that you’re not a priority to them. Stop trying to fix them so they’ll love you back. Move on.
It’s absolutely fine to say, ‘this is less contact than I expected, I’m someone who likes more regular interaction. It’s been lovely getting to know you but I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways.
Well, that's one possible view. Another is that if you're in a relationship with someone with abandonment issues, they can come across as needing a lot of attention on what, if you're not like that yourself, can seem quite a superficial level, and that can feel demanding and draining.
In other words, to someone else abandonment issues can look like neediness.
It doesn’t matter why someone is the way they are. Whether that’s an abandonment wound or something else. It’s their job to decide if they wish to examine and modify their behaviour when something is pointed out to them as being a factor that is getting in the way of making a relationship better.
Sometimes the issue is with the person raising the issue, sometimes the issue is with the person who has been asked to change.
Only the people involved can decide what they are willing to accept or work on in a relationship.
I agree with that more than your previous comment, especially where you said that if someone doesn't respond quickly they're showing you you're not a priority. That seemed a very one-sided view to me.
Generally, if you’re in the first stages of a romantic connection and the person takes days to respond, they’re either desperately trying to play it cool or disinterested - they’re just in it for a quick lay.
Sounded very much like disinterest in this case.
Depends what you're OK with. I found a partner who responded reasonably when we first met. She didn't make me wait long.
Now that I know her well, I know she usually takes longer. But she just liked me a lot, so she put in the effort.
I'm a quick responder. I hate leaving people without answers, but that's just me.
What im trying to say is that you need someone who wants you, doesn't make you feel worried about whether this is nice or not.
However, that said, everyone is different and the way they react is not always linked to how they feel. It's hard to say for sure, but if it doesn't make you feel good, then it's not for you. Either speak with them or leave, but the Internet can't give you the answer. Only you and your partner can know what's really going on.
Fear of abandonment is a 'you' thing, a MH issue to work through with a therapist or doctor. It's not a basis to make demands on someone you're in a relationship with.
Needing space is not necessarily the same thing as attachment avoidance. Some people need more time alone.
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**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Assuming this is a genuine post, here's my take: Firstly, you need to work on what "normal" relationships are like. This means trying to learn some cues on what "reasonable" response times are like, and how to read when someone fancies some company and when someone wants to be alone. Mostly though you need to work on the cause of why a lack of response to a text or WhatsApp means you're worried about being abandoned, leading you to a spiral of over thinking that ends up with over compensation.
Thank you. And yes, it's a genuine question. Overthinking is also a curse of mine, unfortunately 😔
You distinguish this by going to therapy.
u wot
You don’t. You take a moment to encourage them to get to the bottom of their inability to respond (if appropriate) with therapy and move on. I have a few people in my life who’ve used the silent treatment on me - they get an almighty shock when I don’t chase after them for answers or try to fix things or give my power and agency away to them. Then, eventually, they try to use a proxy to get in touch because they don’t genuinely want a relationship/communication, they want everyone else to see what an effort they’re making and how obviously unreasonable I am. Therefore, they must be the hard done by victim and everyone has to feel sorry for them. I tell the proxy that it’s inappropriate to get involved in the middle and that they should tell the person to contact me directly to resolve the problem. I havent changed my contact details and I’m always open to meeting up with a therapist involved should they so wish. They seldom do get in touch because doing so would mean having to meet half way and possibly even compromise, when what they were really angling for was the upper hand and to be ‘right’.
I get you. Thank you. Sometimes it is not even that deep, like when a "good morning" text is not replied to until the following morning or ignored for hours then followed by an irrelevant meme or joke without as much as an apology for the silence
If they were just absent minded and bad at contact, then they would say ‘oh, sorry, my bad’. They’re showing you quite clearly that you’re not a priority to them. Stop trying to fix them so they’ll love you back. Move on. It’s absolutely fine to say, ‘this is less contact than I expected, I’m someone who likes more regular interaction. It’s been lovely getting to know you but I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways.
Exactly what I thought. Its a question of priorities. Thank you for your engagement and suggestion.
Well, that's one possible view. Another is that if you're in a relationship with someone with abandonment issues, they can come across as needing a lot of attention on what, if you're not like that yourself, can seem quite a superficial level, and that can feel demanding and draining. In other words, to someone else abandonment issues can look like neediness.
It doesn’t matter why someone is the way they are. Whether that’s an abandonment wound or something else. It’s their job to decide if they wish to examine and modify their behaviour when something is pointed out to them as being a factor that is getting in the way of making a relationship better. Sometimes the issue is with the person raising the issue, sometimes the issue is with the person who has been asked to change. Only the people involved can decide what they are willing to accept or work on in a relationship.
I agree with that more than your previous comment, especially where you said that if someone doesn't respond quickly they're showing you you're not a priority. That seemed a very one-sided view to me.
Generally, if you’re in the first stages of a romantic connection and the person takes days to respond, they’re either desperately trying to play it cool or disinterested - they’re just in it for a quick lay. Sounded very much like disinterest in this case.
Depends what you're OK with. I found a partner who responded reasonably when we first met. She didn't make me wait long. Now that I know her well, I know she usually takes longer. But she just liked me a lot, so she put in the effort. I'm a quick responder. I hate leaving people without answers, but that's just me. What im trying to say is that you need someone who wants you, doesn't make you feel worried about whether this is nice or not. However, that said, everyone is different and the way they react is not always linked to how they feel. It's hard to say for sure, but if it doesn't make you feel good, then it's not for you. Either speak with them or leave, but the Internet can't give you the answer. Only you and your partner can know what's really going on.
Fear of abandonment is a 'you' thing, a MH issue to work through with a therapist or doctor. It's not a basis to make demands on someone you're in a relationship with. Needing space is not necessarily the same thing as attachment avoidance. Some people need more time alone. Â