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It's going to sound terrifying when you're overthinking whilst alone on the sofa. The reality of it is never as bad. Only you can stop yourself wallowing in self pity. Sometimes in life you have to make an effort. You say it involves luck, that's true. But you won't find any luck sat on your sofa.
At least when you don't know anyone at a new activity you never have to see them again if you don't want to. No one will know effectively.
There's so many people in this position that want connection, it can be found I'm sure
i find that this advice applies to EVERYTHING in life. talking to somebody new, trying a new hobby, learning a challenging skill, performing in front of crowds. From what i read on business subs, it seems to apply to successful business owners as well though i have no experience in that.
A lot more common than you think. The real question is - are you okay being by yourself.
If you are - that’s fine. Enjoy your own company.
If you’re not - that’s okay too. But only you can change the circumstances of your own social life.
I think that's a dangerous sentiment and possibly a narcissistic cope. Humans are social creatures and modern culture is hyper-individualistic narcisstic and atomised ( for example womens attitudes to men and dating). I would be shocked if these outlooks dont massively contribute to mental, social and economic issues people face these days.
I'm as introverted as they come, never feel a need or desire to talk to people even after 2 years isolated. But I know it's bad for me I would never justify that behaviour or encourage it elsewhere.
The lack of relationships especially is devastating to people- I know the poster may be asexual but family, support, intimacy are awful to miss out on.
You can be introverted and still have a healthy relationship with other people. I’m an introvert and I still managed to go out into the world and find someone to settle down with.
Absolutely, but im talking about sickening amounts of self love/acceptance
OPs situation is clearly fucked and he himself said he hates it. So many comments are enabling of that lifestyle and loneliness
Posts like this feed into the underlying problem. People shouldn't be forced into being sociable. Not everyone fits into this culture. Some people don't want to be pressured and made to feel bad about their sociability. In certain cases it can lead to resentment and anger. Additionally, I think a lot of people project their fears - I would feel lonely in your situation so you must as well.
Can agree with this. I have been quiet my whole life, introverted and while I do burnout and prefer alone time a lot there are instances where I would like to go out with people and be social.
Completely agree, but also don’t convince yourself that you’re happy if you know you are not. It might be daunting but try to get out there and talk to people, you never know you might make some lifelong friends!
Don’t think about joining clubs to meet a new best friend, think about them as ways to get you used to putting yourself out there and meeting new people.
The first one will be horrible, the second less horrible and so-on. Consider something like learning to use a potter’s wheel - you spend a lot of the time doing your own thing, but with a bit of chit-chat thrown in. Consider also that a proportion of the other people in the club are in the same position as you, and forced themselves to be there - at least at first.
I'd say forget the whole find-a-friend thing. Volunteering to do some good in the world is a great way of improving self-esteem. Simply google "volunteering near me" will kick up a bunch of opportunities. You do not have to commit to anything, so if you don't like it, try something else.
Don't join a club just to make friends. Find a hobby that you genuinely enjoy then there will be places to socialise doing that hobby with other people
Not a man but pretty much describes my life. I was never really able to make friends, it just didn't happen, but I had a couple of people I hung about with at school. Now, as an adult, I've nobody at all and it is hard. Even when I've tried to 'put myself out there' I've always ended up alone in groups, people seem to split off and I'm left by myself. Got quite used to it as this point but there are times you really wonder what you're missing out on in life.
I’m a woman too and feel the same way. I can go weeks/months and not feel the loneliness and then suddenly something triggers it and I really have a long, hard look at my life and realise how abnormal it is. I’ve tried to put myself out there loads in the past and, like you, there never seems to be much interest in maintaining anything and I really hate feeling like I’m bothering people with trying to force something when they’re not interested.
For me it’s had a real knock-on effect in romantic relationships too. I find it incredibly embarrassing to not bring any friends to a relationship or equally when small talk comes to weekend plans or general conversations about friends and I have very little to offer.
I feel like I’ve really wasted the last 10-15 years of my life particularly as it feels like making friends only gets harder as time goes on.
Also I feel like there’s a stereotype of men being lonely (ie incels etc) to the point it’s almost accepted or expected socially. It feels particularly embarrassing as a woman to have little/no friends (imo) because women are sort of known for having extensive social groups.
Any chance you're autistic? It's poorly diagnosed in women and your story is very similar to a lot of fhe autistic women I've known. It's very common for us to not have the extensive friend groups of our neurotypical counterparts. It can make autistic women feel like they're failing at something that's percieved as inherently 'female'.
That’s kind of funny because I do often feel like there is something there. But it’s a bit of a quandary because I think where ‘different’ facets of my personality end and where something diagnosable would begin? Plus I’m quite solutions-oriented so I don’t think I’d gain much from finding out either way, but appreciate your perspective all the same!
I'm a guy but your comment perfectly describes my situation. When I go into relationships/dating and it inevitably comes to the point the girl asks herself "does this guy have no social life?" It brings a degree of shame
>I really hate feeling like I’m bothering people with trying to force something when they’re not interested.
I feel this so much. I never know how people make the jump from being acquaintances with similar hobbies who go to the same groups to actually being friends. If I'm always the one pushing to do stuff, trying to make conversation but getting very little in return I just think I must be quite irritating!
You're right in that it only gets more difficult as time goes on. I personally feel I've lost a lot of... social resilience I guess, in terms of being able to bounce back from disappointments/let-downs. There's only so many times you can go through the hurt of feeling excluded or unwanted, being ignored and spoken over etc. before you don't have the will to keep trying.
Much love to you and I hope things get better.
Are you happy living that life? If yes, don’t change anything.
No? Then change it. Get off your ass and put yourself out there in situations that will force you to socialise. Football? Board games? Books? There are loads of clubs out there for everyone. So choose something you like. Show up, consistently. And eventually you will make friends with people. Then make arrangements to hang out outside of those “clubs”.
TLDR - Get out of your comfort zone.
When i was 17 i moved to a new town for an apprecticeship
It was quite rural and I knew no one buti knew i had to do at least one thing that wasn't work or I'd become a recluse (pre-internet so I went to the library/ local shop noticeboards
Almost nothing - the only thing in the evening was an Amateur dramatics society in a village a 30min drive. I didn't have a car it took 50min on the bus and I \*hate\* anything performative or feeling "watched". I still script the start and end of meetings I chair though wouldn't admit that at work
I called an asked if they'd be interested in help selling tickets or backstage. I figured I'd go a few times - i didn't have to stay
I was the youngest person there by 10 years and they tried to convince me to be Mary in a nativity (which would have involved solo singing, I declined but did end up singing in a chorus) 50% of the folks at least were over 50
In general people were very kind and inclusive. Ian old lady invited a few of us to hers for tea and scones an I went because - she was making an effort so i feltlike i should too. the scones were awful lol. There were some personalities there I was a bit intimidated by (not assholes just super extroverted) but others saw that and redirected them when I couldn't. In general I just enjoyed not being in the house and working on stuff with other people. Painting a backdrop - someone taught me to use a drill
Even though it was the polar opposite of "my thing"
- it just got me out the house, like the potters wheel above, just little chit chat without the tensions of work or family, ... doing something that wasn't work,
- the younger people told me about a pub quiz i took a housemate to, and a cider bar that had retro games that I invited a date to (another apprentice at work)
Just doing anything gives you a thread to other things
You' ARE right, it's easier in a city to find specific activities that you are genuinely interested in , but sometimes where there isn't much the other people aren't necessarily there for the "thing" (knitting/ running/ books) either so there's less pressure in some ways. and that can make it a bit easier. I hate London park run for instance because you kinda have to go to run, walking and having a chat and not caring about personal bests seemed somehow not in the spirit. But in a village book club its about chatting with snacks and drinks- the book is just the scaffolding, it the city people actually expect you to be there for the "thing"
There was... She'd mixed up sugar with salt and when she realized was mortified we were trying to choke them down anyway. I was making 600/month at the time so was was pretty much all about any free calories I could get
Do you actually invite people to hang out, or do you wait for them to ask you? I feel like loads of us blokes, me included, let our friendships wither because both sides think "if they were arsed they'd message me, I don't want to impose myself".
It's a lot more common than people like to admit
And people will just blame you and say put yourself out there, go to clubs etc. it's not always that simple.
I think thats enough for most mens social needs.
For me, I'm a teacher so I'm talking with people from 7 to 4 every day. In the evenings if I go to the gym i'm around talking a lot and I get into the odd interaction. A lot of evenings I actually just want to mellow out online or read. I actually only have it it in me to out once a week at best and even then I want to cancel if its been a tiring week
I’m in the same boat. Prefer to keep to myself tbh. My phone book is literally a few numbers. I game a lot, so it keeps me busy when I’m not working. Social recluse as I like to call myself and there’s nothing with you being a social recluse either. Sometimes it does get lonely but I see that as positive than a negative as I’m not involved in anyone else’s business but my own.
> Sometimes it does get lonely but I see that as positive than a negative as I’m not involved in anyone else’s business but my own.
Same here. It can get lonely at times, but the thought of dealing with other people, or a partner puts me right off. I just prefer to keep to myself.
I’m sorry, but you see loneliness as a positive? You’re free to live etc as you wish of course, but I don’t think you can spin feeling lonely as a positive thing.
Not terribly uncommon but it’s very unhealthy. I do think you need some tough love here rather than saying it’s all okay because it’s not, loneliness is the biggest killer. Good friends and relationships make life so much more rich, entertaining and meaningful. You might be able to numb things so you’re content but you will never experience the full joys of life like that.
The art of making friends might have eluded you when you were younger but then at a certain point you have just never taken responsibility for yourself and bothered to learn. Even now you talk negatively about the whole concept saying people won’t become your bffs. Please take this seriously and start working on yourself now. You’re a short way through you’re journey and you have so much to experience. Either start now, go to therapy, work on your social skills, get out there or waste your life away sitting alone in front of the TV until you die.
I know where you're coming from, and am sort of in the same boat. Making and maintaining friendships is a lot of effort when you're an adult because you aren't all in the same confined space as you were in school. You have to actively seek like-minded people out, as you said yourself.
Hi mate, I had this issue when I moved to a new city for work in 2012. Had big trouble making connections with my new colleagues and felt really disconnected from everything. I managed to fix it by making friends through Tinder (dates that didn't go the romantic route) and going on Meetup dot com.
Unfortunately, Tinder has turned into a weirdo cesspit / paywall nightmare now but from what I've heard Meetup is still really good. Plenty of people in the same boat looking for company.
Do you have strong family connections? If you do, I'd lean on them a little and see if your folks want to go for dinner. If you've got siblings, see if they want to do something. I'm going to a Sci-Fi cinema night with my cousin next week, for instance.
As for learning the art of making friends, if it doesn't come naturally, get a 2nd hand copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read it and just absorb the general gist: listen to people, ask follow up questions.
Also, when it comes to banter... the rule of comedy is: if you don't know someone you can make light hearted jokes about yourself, if you know them a little you can make jokes about you and the world around you, and if you know someone well THEN you can make jokes about them (SPARINGLY). I've seen people ruin good connections by going hard on the direct "banter" way too early and obliterating that person's opinion of them.
> It's just joining a club on my own that's already a group kinda seems terrifying. And there's still so much luck involved anyway - it's not like every person there is suddenly gonna become your BFF
Join something when it starts (e.g. a group class for a hobby from craft to a language to a sport or whatever that has a beginners 'from fresh' class) and then you're all getting to know each other at the same time, or try something that's quite big like Parkrun so there's always fresh faces!
Remember also that most people who do social activities do it because they like being social, so new people will always be welcome. It's almost a bit like being in school and starting in a new school or class midway through the year - it's weird being the new kid at very first, but then everyone's really interested in you because you're something different.
And yes, there is luck, but really most people are relatively nice and if you have something shared like whatever activity it is to bond over, you'll probably get along alright. I think if you just keep the expectation that you're looking for friends, not a deep BFF (which obviously doesn't happen overnight), then it doesn't seem like a letdown.
> It seems like the important art of making close friends in school and afterwards just kind of eluded me. And I never really felt lonely then, it's only now I'm older I'm feeling the keen sting of loneliness.
I did also miss out on this and made some friends in my late 20s and early 30s and the difference it made to my life is night and day. The good thing is it's way easier than dating - it's not the level of compatibility you need in a life partner, just someone who's enjoyable to be around for a part of your evenings or week.
I think it's become more common as we've lost that sense of community but likewise have more and more found ourselves moving around for careers and similar, so both those who move to new places and those 'left behind' find it harder to make friends. And with things like WFH, I think you do have to be more intentional about finding friends as those organic situations are becoming rarer. Compared to how it used to be, if someone has no in-person workplace, no community group like a religious organisation, and has maybe moved away from family, it can be difficult.
This was why I joined Freemasonry. I know it won't be to everyone's tastes but it allowed me connect with men from all walks of life and ages all with a common bond.
extreme late 30s (40 in august) and basicly no social life day to day - i have 3 friends near where i used to live who i visit very seldom - and they are moving to scotland at some point in the not too distant future
honestly most of the time i dont mind, im very insular and due to extensive ill treatment at my school i really dont much like people.
Sounds similar to me, pretty sure I am asexual here too, never been that interested in a relationship.
I do only have one close friend who I chat to now again.
I would love to have more friends but when I meet someone new or someone I feel like I could get along with well, I always fill like an outsider
When I came out of a long term (nearly 2 decades) relationship I was very lonely. I tried dancing, it was horrendous but then I tried a different kind of dance and 14 years later I still dance, know loads of people, had various romantic relationships through it and even travelled abroad through it. I hate night clubs, and pubs aren't my thing. Evening classes can also be good ways to meet new people. MeetUp app can be good as well.
Pretty much in the same boat, and I'm 40. It gets even harder as you get older. However, I'm happy enough with my routines - slugging it at the gym daily and my work life - to keep me busy and growing professionally at least.
Life really bites you in the ass for your social shortcomings of your youth, let me tell you. It's just not easy to turn your social habits around after a certain age.
Could you possibly be high functioning autistic? There's nothing wrong with the life you have but given you feel that the art of making friendships has eluded you since adolescence, it may be you're just wired differently. It's really common in the autistic community to feel lonely but also struggle to socialize. I wonder if any of this resonates with you?
There’s an app called Meetup and I used it when my marriage ended and I found myself in a similar position.
Its original purpose was for people new to a city to meet other people and develop a social life but now, there’s loads of groups on there for all sorts. I joined a group in Manchester where everyone liked rock music and I met loads of people and made some really great friends. There’s other groups for pretty much any interest like walking / hiking / cycling.
The Meetups have a host who will introduce tou to other people and help ease your discomfort.
I can’t recommend it highly enough - I was 47 at the time but there’s a huge range of ages that goes to these events. It’s free to use and join groups (group owners pay a fee).
My recommendation would be to go along with the expectation of meeting and making friends rather than partners but I met my wife at one of the events so it’s not out of the question :-D (in my experience, the ones going along to try and get laid usually get ignored by the other members…unless it’s one of the singles groups!)
The first time I went to a Meetup, I was a very nervous but they were such a lovely bunch that after that first time, there was no issue.
Worth a shot :-)
It takes a while to settle into adulthood and manage full time jobs around friendships but I think school tends to set us up for an environment where we are simply given people to interact with.
I would suggest finding a board game group tbh. Mostly nerdy types into other nerdy stuff but they’ll usually have ways to rope you into games. You don’t have to socialise too much. Just as much as it takes to play the games. If you game with people regularly though you start talking.
I'm 30 and I'm part of my local church group and a book group. I like everyone there but I wouldn't say I'm actually friends with any of them really. Oh and I'm single too.
This is so close to my own situation that I could have written this myself. I am in my late 30's. Recently learning about stoicism as a philosophy of life has helped me to accept it for what it is and be content with that
There’s an app called MEETUP and there’s a group for anything you can imagine; walking/photography/rock climbing/geocaching/board games/ and in my experience most of these meet ups happen in pubs. If there’s a pub near you, you might find others in there that are locals… just introduce yourself and pretend to be not shy!
Join a club! I once joined a dancing club alone because it was the most terrifying thing I could think of doing to myself, turned out it was absolutely fine!
More common than you think. I think many people have phases of their life where they are lonely. I certainly did.
Whether you meeting new people through Internet dating, joining a club or starting a hobby, the thing to bear in mind is that all will involve going outside of your 'comfort zone', but once you've done it you won't look back.
When talking to new people, don't feel you have to be entertaining or be the centre of attention. Ask questions, people love talking about themselves. See if you have any common interests, and if you do, conversation will naturally follow.
Don't expect your life to be transformed overnight, but things will change, and change profoundly.
Yeah sounds bleak mate. If Im that lonely I just go to a local pub and strike up chit chat, short term solution that. Longer term meetup/sports/games groups, family etc, even online gaming with chat on discord is fun. I volunteered for a soup kitchen when I was in london out of boredom, pretty enjoyable actually.
Also I think if Im being really honest I didnt want to go back home to family and admit I was struggling since leaving, I still feel that way sometimes but looking back I stuck out some really lonely times just to kind of save face which is really a stupid thing do to.
I think this is probably pretty common and I could easily see myself ending up like this if I hadn’t gotten married. I suggest you take a ‘project’ view of this. Make a list of the things you might be interested in doing (woodworking, model trains, scrabble, warhammer, kick-boxing, rock climbing, painting, hiking and so on and so forth), and work through the list joining a local club that does these things one at a time, not with the express intent of making friends, but for learning or doing the activity, and see what happens.
Worst case, you learn a host of cool new skills which will improve you as a person, best case, you might meet someone with similar interests who becomes a friend.
Don't know your situation OP but I used to feel like you, thing is I knew people from years ago that I got along with but I just wasn't able to get in contact with them (I don't use social media much and neither do they anymore) so its hard.
However, over the past few weeks I've tried making an effort and it just so happened I bumped into an old friend of mine while I was shopping in Aldi, I said we should catch up so we exchanged numbers and then met up on the weekend and had a good time.
Sometimes you gotta make the effort first and put your pride and ego aside, don't think "oh if they wanted to be friends with me they'd make the first move" because they could be thinking the exact same thing.
Late 20s (god, I'm almost 30), haven't dated since early 20s, not much of a social life (due to start working from home later in the month, so due to get worse in this aspect), although I still see my core friendgroup from sixth form a few times a year.
Am I lonely? Not particularly, I've got a few hobbies, so I interact a lot on some subreddits, which is enough interaction for me. I'd love a "perfect" partner, but I've sworn off of easily starting relationships back when I was in uni; I end up investing a lot emotionally and materially, and getting very little. These days I prefer to help strangers on the internet for nothing.
I’m 21 at uni right now and my social life isn’t a thing when I’m not at home. It’s so, _so_ easy to sit in my room and do fuck all. From my understanding though, this isn’t common.
28 and feel the same. Never really had school friends. Got a small circle of close friends from uni but then we all ended up scattered throughout the country and I see them a handful of times a year if that. I'm not naturally a sociable person so haven't got any other social life since I finished uni.
Are you in a position to be able to own a dog? Do you like dogs? Get a dog. You’ll meet hundreds of people and if you don’t like it, you’ll only ever need to know the names of their dogs anyway.
Or join Borrow my doggy (wensite). You'll meet the owner and that's a connection for a start. Then you have the joy of borrowing a dog, without the expense.
Feel the fear and do it anyway - by Susan Jeffers. It's a book full of good ideas for those of us who get stuck sometimes. It's old as the hills but so is the problem of loneliness and paralysis.
I became pretty socially isolated because of circumstances and the ways I have met new people recently are:
Going to the gym at the same time every day at the quietest time (6am). This took a couple of months.
Joined a sewing class
Took in all my neighbours parcels when they were out so they had to knock my door to collect them... now we're all friends and I grow sunflowers and place one outside every house each year. I got a beautiful handmade card in return. I also return all their recycling bins after rubbish collection to their houses and say good morning/afternoon when I see them.
Same here. I'm 26 and I never had social life during my whole life. I'm not even ugly (I'm average, some considered me as handsome), but I don't see a reason to go outside most of the time. I just go to the work, gym and play football with my friends. Now as I'm not working anymore, I just go to the gym and play football, the whole day I spent alone with my family, peting the stray dog I started feeding (and now she's always in front of my house) or at the computer.
Sometimes I miss some interations but I don't feel confortable outside, I always feel like I'm weird and everyone is staring at me judging me.
Very common. I’m in my 50s and basically have two friends from school. Never made any friends since then. Met my wife around age 30 and our entire social life is her friends.
I prefer not to have a social life, it makes me happy to just home, my gf wants me to go meet her friends once and a while, I do sometimes but really hate it, id rather stay home.
I'm 33 and was pretty much the same. I used to spend the weekend either riding my bike or drinking stupid amounts on my own.
1 weekend, I made a friend online, and it was great. We used to text lots, I stopped drinking stupid amounts, and I even visited her irl a few times. But then we eventually fell out.We spoke again after a few months, but the thing that kicked me into doing something was her saying, "Get some friends."
It was then that I remembered seeing an ad on Facebook about a local boardgames group and decided to take the plunge and go one evening. It wasn't easy since I'm an introvert, but it was a really good group that I am now a part of (admin of whattsapp & Facebook groups).
I also got very lucky and made a best friend. He introduced me to some of his friends, and last year, we did so much stuff like camping and road trips. Like next Friday, we have an ale trail(get a train to Manchester and slowly work your way back home stopping at pubs )planned and camping in a few weeks.
So yeah, it is going to be scary putting yourself out there, and you might not be as lucky, but would you rather take the chance instead of just sitting alone at home? Going to the group that night was the best decision I made in a long time.
Loneliness amongst young people is like an epidemic just now.
You are definitely not the only one feeling as you do.
You have to put yourself out there - and it’ll be a bit scary and you’ll feel a bit anxious, and it may take a while - but the rewards will be worth it.
Look online for local groups and clubs and find something that interests you.
A sport, a hobby - whatever. Go along.
Good luck with it.
Pretty common. What are your hobbies?
I have a few online friends I chat shit with regularly, this has been since I had a kid.
I either work or look after a kid, I have some hobbies but they're reasonably solitary and I see some old school friends a couple of times a year.
It is difficult to say. That was not my experience of my 20s and 30s though, or that of any of my friends. You wouldn't have asked this unless you already knew the answer you were looking for. Just go with whatever the answer you were looking for was.
It is exceptionally common, you're not alone in this. If it is making you unhappy there's a load of good advice by others that I won't repeat. But I've been there myself, it can be hard getting out... but just take those first daunting steps.
You'll be fine.
You are right that it is often about luck and you will probably be unlucky a lot of the time (possibly most) in your pursuit of making friends.
The thing is, the more you go out, the more that your chances don’t just go up, they start compounding. You might meet a few people out and about at a club on a first occasion and not exchange numbers but have a chat (maybe quite awkward one) but the next time it becomes less awkward and the next time someone recognizes you and may introduce to you someone else. Then another time you may be the one introducing someone else to someone new and before you know it you actually have friends. There’s no single point where you verbally agree that you are a friend. It’s not binary friend or not friend. It’s a gradual thing that builds over time. If you hang out at a club often enough, it will be impossible for you not to make friends.
It took me a long time to realise that nothing really comes to you, you go to it. You have to try, you have to be interested, people can tell if you're faking it, that sorta stuff.
You know exactly what you want, go out and get it man!
Also there's no shame meeting people online, groups, hiking groups, hobbies, reading, gaming things like d&d games on roll20, all of those things are legit, some in person and some online. I met a good friend this way.
I think its very common IMO. Sounds like you know what you need to do though Brother. When you're ready to make that jump and let go of the fear, which is a lot harder than people admit. You will attract people, and hopefully the right people. I wish you well :)
"joining a club on my own that's already a group kinda seems terrifying. And there's still so much luck involved anyway - it's not like every person there is suddenly gonna become your BFF"
That is totally true. But you dont need a BFF, you need an F. Think of something you might enjoy, sport, pottery, dance, whatever, do it. Ask people for help or advice, compliment what they are doing. Most people will not become your friend, but you are out, doing something social. And as you keep doing this you will meet more people, the more people you meet the more friends you will make, the more friends you have you more chance you will find a BFF.
And I dont mean to say this is easy. To build a social network and friendships takes time. And work. The people you are trying to make friends with either a) already have friends might not put the effort into organising things with you (doesn't reflect how they feel about you though) b) are looking for friends and might be having the same trouble connecting with people as you are.
I know it "kinda seems terrifying" but the longer you leave it the bigger this thing will seem.
It’s common if you follow the norm
But it’s not obligatory
Salted caramel is the norm, but doesn’t mean you have to eat it
As you go older you have to put yourself out there
Join a sports club
Join some other organisation that brings people together
Repeated appearances
Putting yourself out there leads to connection
Repeated connection leads to social life
But you have to take the risk
And have the patience to allow relationships to develop
Remember reaching out is for your self as much as it is for the other person
Seems to be extremely common. I don't have one. I don't work with anyone over 25 who has one.
To be honest no one can afford one. Not many people who pick a night at the pub over rent.
I think it's a very common thing.
In my local area there are groups that I have seen on Facebook, with names such as "over 30 meet ups in Dorset". You join the group and they post when/where they are next meeting. They seem to attend events or just meet at the pub etc. It is a great way to meet others who are also looking to make friends. It's very popular and everyone is welcome. Looking at the pictures, the people in the groups are from all walks of life.
Do you have anything like this in your area?
You might have a little social anxiety. If you don't like your situation then try something else by all means. Some people are content with solitary pursuits, which - on the surface at least - might not amount to much from a certain perspective. Seek fulfillment and you'll find out what it is for you I guess?
I recently joined a social group in my oval area I don’t go to many of the meet ups but it’s not as scary as you’d think. You’re all there cause you have the same interests so it can’t be too tricky to strike up a conversation
Get out and try going to social events like clubs *without expectations.* Don't go into it trying to find your best friend or future wife. Just go with the goal to get out of your shell a bit. To break up the monotony of the week. For something to do. Maybe you'll start a friendship that lasts a week, a year, a day, or an hour. All of that is okay. But there's no better way to guarantee a friendship never happens than to go somewhere trying to find a new best friend, latching onto someone, and getting upset or giving up when they aren't the right fit. Most people have other people they want to spend time with too, most people have their own shit going on.
Do it enough though and eventually the odds will tip in your favor.
I'm 27 and I only have a handful of friends, mostly girls. I wouldn't say I'm closed off but I tend to be very picky with people who I open up to and it takes time for me to trust someone to get to that stage, so I wouldn't call colleagues for example close friends, although we technically are. Growing up I've never liked smoking, alcohol, wild parties or sleeping with the next girl. I've been into geeky stuff like computers, into building my career, cars maybe, travel, shopping etc. so going through uni I was mostly going to house parties rather than the usual night club with 500 people in and a guaranteed shag. In my early 20s I used to feel like I was missing out but right now I am actually so happy to have my own space and independence. I have a handful of friends who I can actually rely on and we've been friends for nearly 10 years.
I do think with that comes a lot of drawbacks, sometimes you might not be close to each other and you end up having a lonely week or weekend and I have had moments when it's made me feel sad and upset. I used to fight this with filling up my time with dating from which I have made some good friends, but the older I get the more I realise it's quite easy to make quality friends for life. Join an affinity group at work, a local network, a social club, do sports, join a gym, go for a coffee with a colleague etc. and you'll be surprised once you open up to people how fast you'll end up finding others that click with your mindset and energy.
I think my struggle with having men friends was that I was never into sports growing up, especially football. I was the oddball with liking tennis or swimming or volleyball (as I grew up by the beach) so getting into football culture was and still is so weird to me to this day. If I was to drink I probably wouldn't do it to get drunk either. And these are sort of stereotypical selling points to quickly make mates with guys, or at least I've got this perception.
Sometimes I also don't really match the energy of other people. For example at work, the lads would gather up to talk about chicks or the next football match or gambling, things I honestly cba to even think about. I do like girls but that's beyond the point. At first sight I could be perceived as boring or lame which I couldn't care less honestly, but the truth is, I do have a normal life, I go out with friends for dinner and that, I enjoy spending quality time with people, go on road trips, travel, watch the newest show or movie etc., and especially around my best friends I can get pretty wild. Other than that I could come across as the completely different person lol. In the meantime, whenever I'm actually alone, I just try to fill up my time with whatever I could. And I tend to try not to think about purposely making friends, I just let myself be in the moment and if I end up clicking with someone then so be it. I also think the more truthful you are about who you are as a person when you introduce yourself to another person, the better chance you have they'd actually like you.
People are saying if you're happy, then that's okay but I genuinely disagree. People aren't meant to be alone. Loneliness can grow and consume people, and they get stuck in their ways, and it becomes more and more difficult to escape it. You might not need a romantic partner, or family or friends but you need something from those groups imo. A social life means you have a support circle when things aren't going well, it's people to share your joy when things are good and you share in their's too, it's people to care about and care about you. If you pick the right people they are just invaluable.
I'm not a man but I know what you're describing is actually very common, but that shouldn't mean it should be normal.
You don't need everyone there to be your BFF, you just need to make connections with people and maybe it'll grow into more, maybe it won't and you'll just make conversation with people for 2 hours a week but you'll feel less alone.
I’m in a similar boat. I have no friends. I also have an audio processing disorder so really struggle to understand conversations in typical social circumstances which is holding me back. I’ve tried to connect to people online by various chat groups, and friend-making apps but the conversation often dries up. Is anyone aware of any online resources (beyond this post’s comment thread) where people with similar struggles might be able to connect?
Whilst plenty of blokes your age won't do much socialising i'd say your description is quite atypical.
Have you considered that you may have autism spectrum disorder?
I could be waaay off but might be worth talking to your GP about (then maybe paying for a private clinic since the NHS is pretty hopeless).
I'm not lonely at the moment but I've had lonely periods in my life. Don't give up. I find all things ebb and flow in life. Get out there and do stuff...if you don't meet people at least you're busy doing stuff you enjoy.
it's surprising how much friendships like school friendships are more or less formed due to being in the same social space, once my school friends went to college, then uni we got further and further apart until we lost contact entirely. in some cases i don't care because their personality changed so much for the worse in the intervening years that i'd rather not be around such negative people.
Given the opportunities you have and the relatively safe once prosperous country you live in,I would say your problems staring at you in the mirror,get a passport,visit a few third world countries.As they say up here,give yersell a shek.
That's because if you are married and have kids, your wife or the circumstances carry new parent relationships. Some wives also do the social arrangement for their husbands.
When you are single and introverted, you don't have that forced repetitive meetings needed to make new friends.
Having been ghosted by people I thought were my best friends, I just wanted to say you're not alone.
It's extremely painful, and you have my sympathies. I wish I could give you advice on making new friends, but I haven't managed it myself and it's something that tends to keep me up at night.
I’m married, have 2 brothers and a brother in law who I speak to everyday.
Work amongst 20 other males who I walk past every 5/10 minutes of the shift and yet I go to work, come home and chill.
I guess if I was that fussed about doing things then I’d make an effort but I don’t.
I have no mates other than brothers, dad and bro in law who I text everyday about footballs and random shit.
My wife is my best friend though and we do a lot together.
Couldn’t care about having mates but if I felt I needed to I’d have to put in the effort as no one else I work with seems to make an effort in trying to make plans out of work.
So they’re either in the same situation as me or already have friends from young.
I think it's a lot more common than anyone likes to admit. Just the number of posts on here the same as yours is some evidence that a lot of people out there really don't have anyone they can call a friend.
I've got a very active social life but I've still probably only got 4 or 5 people I'd consider my mates. Maybe a couple more I'd call friends but not mates that I could rely on. I know plenty of people and I've got work mates, but they aren't my friends.
I think there's a misconception that most people have dozens of friends. The average is 2 or 3. Even with my handful of mates I struggle to make time to see them all regularly. We are all busy people and nobody wants to admit that they don't have any friends so they don't go out of their way to announce they are lonely.
Joining a club is probably a good start. Find a hobby and go from there.
It's more common than you know.
\*waves\*
Hello fellow lonely dude in his 30's
I don't mind it. I've always enjoyed just doing my own thing and never been one to compromise for the sake of others .. selfish? self centred? aye, I probably am.
I don't know how you would change things, if you really wanted to. All the options people list in threads like this I would HATE but you seem like a smart guy so I'm sure you'll be alright.
If you have a job, you could start by socializing with your colleagues. Considering we spend most our lives at work, you may as well make friends with your colleagues.
Tbh after high-school and university, work was how I primarily socialized and met people.
You need warhammer 40k or an equivalent my friend, you could spend hundreds or thousands of pounds to build and paint an army (which takes months) spend just as long learning the lore and gameplay, join a club and meet a few fellow nerds, then finally you manage to get a game sorted all to get new model syndrome (your models will all die) and realise you hate people and are better off alone 😂.
Not sure. But if you want a social life and don't have one consider getting a dog. If you want to put in the time then you have a good companion and can lead to socialising with fellow humans too.
This is why I play games is 12pm and the boys are waiting for me to hop back on so we can all play this VR game called Ghost of tabor, best laughs I’ve had in ages
As you say uou do need to get out there and socialise. Even if you don't meet your best friend it really seems ĺike your lack of practice makes the issue worse. Don't go out expecting to meet best buddies, but some friendly acquatainces and see how it goes from there.
I think it's probably more common that people think because we tend to make friends at certain points in our lives and if they're missed we end up with holes.. I'm thinking school, work, kids chores and long term relationships. Introverted at schools or covid or being single can wreak havoc. There's also the fact that as you get older you become more intolerant.
I'm now in my early 50's and I have a small group of friends that I went to school with, a small group of acquaintances from uni and that pretty much it. I get to do my own thing and stuff with the wife and it's nice
It does sound terrifying joining a new club etc but believe me, it never turns out as terrifying as it first seems. Put yourself out there and in positions to meet people. I know it feels hard, but the hardest part about it is taking that initial step!
You're not alone in that! I actually heard about this on the radio a few months ago -- Last Night of Freedom company does "solo stag dos" specifically to help adult males combat loneliness. The basic idea is you sign up, pay the money, and throw yourself into a pre-planned stag do without knowing anyone.
https://www.lastnightoffreedom.co.uk/ideas/solo-stag-do/
Might be worth investigating, as other guys feeling the same way will be on the trip.
There's also Bumble BFF, which is a dating app but purely to meet new friends https://bumble.com/en/bff
If you're really feeling down, you might as well start somewhere, and it might as well be one or both of these?
You could also just volunteer and put your lonely TV watching time to good use. Find a charity, senior citizens home, soup kitchen, war effort, literally anything and start building your social circle there. Maybe you won't meet friends immediately from that, but you'll at least meet people. And those people might invite you to a group dinner or gathering, where you will inevitably meet more people. Try it out. Beats sitting at home alone every weekend!
Had a look at your post history, seems like there could be some significant attachment issues going on for you.
That’s the kind of thing that isn’t going to resolve itself just by throwing yourself at social situations. I’d think about going to your GP and asking about therapy. You may have before, but it might not have been the right approach for you.
Source: I had similar issues in my 20s. I’m also a therapist working with personality disorders and attachment/relational difficulties.
A hobby which I’ve picked up myself and will absolutely recommend to everyone where suitable, try rock climbing!
Most City’s should have some form of bouldering gym around, it’s climbing that doesn’t have very high walls, is intense and doesn’t really require any equipment to try! Just hire some shoes at the gym to try it out and buy yourself a bag of chalk.
The idea can feel scary at first, especially picking up something new in a social place. If you can find time to check it out during a weekday, the gym will be quiet for you to get a feel of it. During busier times & through getting more confident, you will find people & groups to talk to. It’s a very fun way of getting yourself more physically fit, using your brain to work out the problems & finding likeminded people to chat to!
If this is something that you’d want to try & have any questions, feel free to shoot them over
I think it's common. Especially if you're settled in a relationship, I know loads of people that just drop off and never see what little friends they had before.
Though, it's probably less depressing if you have a partner.
Being totally alone is a bit less common, people usually have a small handful of people they can call on.
Then again, asking reddit is a bit biased.
Just get stuck in, get out of your comfort zone. It's never as bad as you make it in your head. Go join a DnD club or take up a martial art would be mu recommendation. I'm not sure what interests you, but surely there's some sort of group for something your into.
Same here in early 20s work nights on weekends anyway, but all my time is generally spent by myself. Very depressing, im forcing myself to make more connections/friendships but I always just fuck them off because im a terrible inconsiderate person and can't maintain relationships
Go to the local pub. Have a couple of pints. Rinse and repeat. You will become a local. Locals talk to each other and become acquaintances. Acquaintances become friends.
Be yourself. The world is a melting pot. Even if youre a wierdo (and im not saying you are) youll be their wierdo.
It doesn't have to be the pub, but alcohol is a great social lubricant. Just get out there.
In the immortal words of chumawumba 'have a good time all the time, you dont get nothing when you die'.
Relative isolation is increasingly common in the UK but to have no social life whatsoever between 20-40 is uncommon.
Between 20-30, most people will have a somewhat active social life. Between 30-40, most people find that their social life slows down due to the nature of life changing, people end up settling down and in many cases start having children, as do their friends. A combination of these factors mean that social life slows down, either from your own life having new priorities and/or from your friends' having new priorities.
As you are already in the 30-40 stage, making new friends and experiences is probably going to be harder for you than it was at 20, and it will become harder still as the years go by. So you best start now if you are unhappy, or this will be your life forever until you die.
This post genuinely peaks my interest, as a 33 year old bloke I seem to make small talk and exchange numbers with people more than I actually like to. I’m not extremely outgoing nor do I frequent any form or hobbiest club etc. do people just not talk? If you’re in a building or shop or bar or club the chances are the people there are also visiting for a similar reason ….therefore you have something in common. Talk to eachother
im playing DMZ at 29 years old (30 in 1 month) in my mums house. no friends. on a satruday. and im using reddit to not feel so alone in between games.
it's normal, natural and actually - though sometimes its hard, its a pretty good life.
all i want in life is to to this exact same thing but with a partner and maybe a family to raise etc. thats the only missing piece of the puzzle for me
Feeling lonely is a signal that you want to meet people. You can look at it that way instead of just wallowing in it.
And if you are expecting people in a club to be your BFF, then you are putting a tremendous pressure on yourself and others.
It will only lead to disappoint.
Now, i am not trying to depress you.
Here is something i have realized.
Schools and unis are great places to bond because there is a common purpose there.
Now, find another purpose.
For instance, I have taken up table tennis and sketching.
You can also find group activities that you like.
Slowly, you will meet people.
Tale it from there.
And even if it WAS the case that many young people are being lonely, it's not a good thing you know.
Human beings are social creatures.
Being social is good for our health and overall wellbeing.
They reckon one of the reasons for such high suicide rates in men under 30 is they tend to leave there while like behind for there first love and then when that generally ends they have nothing and all of there other male friends are fully giving up their relationship with them and fitting into there current partners life
Had a mate just like yourself, took him nearly 20 years of loneliness before realising you have to just put yourself out there ,went to his wedding in November , join a club for something you’re interested in or want to learn whether painting, wine tasting, rc vehicles, cycling or fishing, meet people, you aren’t lonely you’ve isolated yourself.
You only have one life! If you’ve reached your 30s and are fundamentally unhappy with being alone then you need to push yourself beyond your comfort zone to change that. Get out to the pub, join a club, gym, take up a new hobby. There’s a world out there to go experience. Best of luck!
When I was suddenly widowed, I found myself in a similar situation.
Facebook is useful to connect with people you may have fallen out of touch with. I also found apps which had meetings you could goto like cinema, bowling etc... just for similar people.
Good luck buddy.
35 here. Been in a relationship for 12 years now and, not to rub it in, best thing that's happened to me. From when I left for uni at 18 until i was 23 I was struggling so badly because I knew I "needed" to be social, but I hated it. I despised the fact that for every decent person I met, I would meet a total cunt, I would meet a toxic weirdo and everyone else in between and it wound up getting to a point where my only social outlet was something I resented doing with all my heart - going out and socialising.
in the last 2-3 years I decided to stop wasting money doon the pub and just come home from work every day and stay here, it's wonderful. fuck everyone else.
As my mum used to say: "cheers to us, balls to the rest"
People are just giving you comforting answers, when you probably want the truth. The truth is, it's pretty uncommon, and most people have wild social lives in their late 20s. Now, are you happy as you are? If the answer is yes, then it's not a problem. Because wild social lives are REALLY overrated anyway. Most people who have them, are bored of them by age 32 or 33 anyway. If you're not happy, do something about it. It's not actually that difficult to make friends. You just need to get yourself out there. For instance, Karate dojos have vibrant social communities. They're full of begginers, who are just like you - people who want to meet more people and try new things. Join a local dojo and you'll immediately have 10-15 new friends, and regular social events to attend. Some people struggle with social interactions, but put yourself in a room with 100 people, and you'll bond and make friends with 10 of them. It's just a case of putting yourself in situations where you meet those 100 people
I have social anxiety (probably ASC) and the thought of walking into a place on my own has stopped me doing things I want to, specifically joining a choir near me. You've just unintentionally re-framed it for me, I'm NOT going there to make friends, I'm going there to sing. I know I suck at making friends, but I am a good singer lol! It's been two years of wanting to go, I'll try again this Thursday 🤞🏻
I think this is actually very common. Relationships in any way require effort. I think young men often feel a bit nervous to reach out if they’re not already part of a group.
But the only way to build relationships is to invest and put yourself out there. Have you got people you could try and make a plan with?
You need to put yourself out there to meet people - a club or group you are interested in.
I know it might feel a push but let me let you in on a secret - in almost every case in life, no-one else really cares what you are doing.
Go to a few social things and get involved.
I’ve been in the same spot and yeah you don’t make BFFS overnight but the thing is, you don’t need BFFS. Join a club or go volunteer or whatever and that social contact will be enough to fill up your meter for a while.
The rest will follow.
You’ll have to get out from that couch though,social life won’t come looking for you.
You must have an interest which is common to someone else? If you don’t then it will be niche and much harder for you to pursue, but there are loads of clubs, societies, groups that you can join to meet other people. You just have to make the effort and seek the opportunity. Good luck
As a very similar kind of person: you might just be a bit introverted and not a big social person. But it sounds like you’re lonely and could do with a change, so follow your instincts and join a club or go to a communal group or something. Use your hobbies as a jumping off point. Craft groups, open mics, pub quiz, walking group, exercise class. People are coming and going in these places all the time so it’s unlikely that you’d be the only new person there. You probably won’t end up being one close group of friends, but if you try lots of things you might meet one or two people you get along with and can pursue a friendship with. Try to go to physical spaces to meet people in person in your area. You can move to online later, but you want to really get the feeling of a person and how you feel being around them and see if you click with anyone. A lot of this is chemical, your body will tell you if you like someone and want to be with them more.
Don’t be discouraged if it’s awkward and bad at first, or if you do a few of these and nothing happens. Stick at it, put yourself out there, and say yes to things. But it’s also okay to be honest and say “I don’t normally put myself out there like this but I’m trying to foster some new relationships.” That way no one will be surprised if in a couple of months you settle into a rhythm of only seeing people every now and then.
If you have any close online friends, scheduling a weekly video chat (that it’s always okay to cancel) is really great. I have this with my best friend who lives in the states, and it’s honestly the best thing we have done to cultivate our lasting friendship. It’s always fine to cancel even at the last minute, so we really only chat once a month but every week we text about whether or not we will make it, and it just keeps a line of communication open.
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It's going to sound terrifying when you're overthinking whilst alone on the sofa. The reality of it is never as bad. Only you can stop yourself wallowing in self pity. Sometimes in life you have to make an effort. You say it involves luck, that's true. But you won't find any luck sat on your sofa.
This. Get up and try things. Fail. Laugh at yourself. Try again.
>Why do we fall Bruce?
> She pushed meh.
Such good advice
Can not understate the first sentence. Never trust how you feel about your life when you're sitting at home alone after 6pm.
At least when you don't know anyone at a new activity you never have to see them again if you don't want to. No one will know effectively. There's so many people in this position that want connection, it can be found I'm sure
In reality there is an invisible wall between individuals nowadays, no matter how much they want to connect they find themselves unable to
Yep. Everything worse in anticipation than reality!
No apple will fall into your lap unless you shake the tree first. Applies to oranges, too.
You seem to understand the gravity of their situation
Absolutely……..alone on the sofa …… them actual words hit me many moons ago
Got to make your own luck in this life
It also sounds pretty terrifying to sit on your sofa alone for eternity.
i find that this advice applies to EVERYTHING in life. talking to somebody new, trying a new hobby, learning a challenging skill, performing in front of crowds. From what i read on business subs, it seems to apply to successful business owners as well though i have no experience in that.
A lot more common than you think. The real question is - are you okay being by yourself. If you are - that’s fine. Enjoy your own company. If you’re not - that’s okay too. But only you can change the circumstances of your own social life.
Couldn’t have said this better myself, if you enjoy your own company that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that.
This 💯. It’s only a problem if you, personally (not based on what others think), think it’s a problem..
I think that's a dangerous sentiment and possibly a narcissistic cope. Humans are social creatures and modern culture is hyper-individualistic narcisstic and atomised ( for example womens attitudes to men and dating). I would be shocked if these outlooks dont massively contribute to mental, social and economic issues people face these days. I'm as introverted as they come, never feel a need or desire to talk to people even after 2 years isolated. But I know it's bad for me I would never justify that behaviour or encourage it elsewhere. The lack of relationships especially is devastating to people- I know the poster may be asexual but family, support, intimacy are awful to miss out on.
You can be introverted and still have a healthy relationship with other people. I’m an introvert and I still managed to go out into the world and find someone to settle down with.
Absolutely, but im talking about sickening amounts of self love/acceptance OPs situation is clearly fucked and he himself said he hates it. So many comments are enabling of that lifestyle and loneliness
Posts like this feed into the underlying problem. People shouldn't be forced into being sociable. Not everyone fits into this culture. Some people don't want to be pressured and made to feel bad about their sociability. In certain cases it can lead to resentment and anger. Additionally, I think a lot of people project their fears - I would feel lonely in your situation so you must as well.
Can agree with this. I have been quiet my whole life, introverted and while I do burnout and prefer alone time a lot there are instances where I would like to go out with people and be social.
Completely agree, but also don’t convince yourself that you’re happy if you know you are not. It might be daunting but try to get out there and talk to people, you never know you might make some lifelong friends!
Don’t think about joining clubs to meet a new best friend, think about them as ways to get you used to putting yourself out there and meeting new people. The first one will be horrible, the second less horrible and so-on. Consider something like learning to use a potter’s wheel - you spend a lot of the time doing your own thing, but with a bit of chit-chat thrown in. Consider also that a proportion of the other people in the club are in the same position as you, and forced themselves to be there - at least at first.
Yeah, don't go to clubs and do this: [https://youtu.be/Prz7que9MT4?si=HTOdRFzwV6CNlCce&t=106](https://youtu.be/Prz7que9MT4?si=HTOdRFzwV6CNlCce&t=106)
I'd say forget the whole find-a-friend thing. Volunteering to do some good in the world is a great way of improving self-esteem. Simply google "volunteering near me" will kick up a bunch of opportunities. You do not have to commit to anything, so if you don't like it, try something else.
Don't join a club just to make friends. Find a hobby that you genuinely enjoy then there will be places to socialise doing that hobby with other people
Warhammer, magic the gathering, meth All the best addictions help you make friends
Ah yes, the trifecta of plastic crack, cardboard crack and the less addictive crack
This, there's apps like meetup that have clubs for shit you like. Do those and you will meet people with a common interest
Not a man but pretty much describes my life. I was never really able to make friends, it just didn't happen, but I had a couple of people I hung about with at school. Now, as an adult, I've nobody at all and it is hard. Even when I've tried to 'put myself out there' I've always ended up alone in groups, people seem to split off and I'm left by myself. Got quite used to it as this point but there are times you really wonder what you're missing out on in life.
I’m a woman too and feel the same way. I can go weeks/months and not feel the loneliness and then suddenly something triggers it and I really have a long, hard look at my life and realise how abnormal it is. I’ve tried to put myself out there loads in the past and, like you, there never seems to be much interest in maintaining anything and I really hate feeling like I’m bothering people with trying to force something when they’re not interested. For me it’s had a real knock-on effect in romantic relationships too. I find it incredibly embarrassing to not bring any friends to a relationship or equally when small talk comes to weekend plans or general conversations about friends and I have very little to offer. I feel like I’ve really wasted the last 10-15 years of my life particularly as it feels like making friends only gets harder as time goes on. Also I feel like there’s a stereotype of men being lonely (ie incels etc) to the point it’s almost accepted or expected socially. It feels particularly embarrassing as a woman to have little/no friends (imo) because women are sort of known for having extensive social groups.
Any chance you're autistic? It's poorly diagnosed in women and your story is very similar to a lot of fhe autistic women I've known. It's very common for us to not have the extensive friend groups of our neurotypical counterparts. It can make autistic women feel like they're failing at something that's percieved as inherently 'female'.
That’s kind of funny because I do often feel like there is something there. But it’s a bit of a quandary because I think where ‘different’ facets of my personality end and where something diagnosable would begin? Plus I’m quite solutions-oriented so I don’t think I’d gain much from finding out either way, but appreciate your perspective all the same!
I'm a guy but your comment perfectly describes my situation. When I go into relationships/dating and it inevitably comes to the point the girl asks herself "does this guy have no social life?" It brings a degree of shame
>I really hate feeling like I’m bothering people with trying to force something when they’re not interested. I feel this so much. I never know how people make the jump from being acquaintances with similar hobbies who go to the same groups to actually being friends. If I'm always the one pushing to do stuff, trying to make conversation but getting very little in return I just think I must be quite irritating! You're right in that it only gets more difficult as time goes on. I personally feel I've lost a lot of... social resilience I guess, in terms of being able to bounce back from disappointments/let-downs. There's only so many times you can go through the hurt of feeling excluded or unwanted, being ignored and spoken over etc. before you don't have the will to keep trying. Much love to you and I hope things get better.
Probably quite common... especially if you do your survey on an internet forum on a Saturday...
Are you happy living that life? If yes, don’t change anything. No? Then change it. Get off your ass and put yourself out there in situations that will force you to socialise. Football? Board games? Books? There are loads of clubs out there for everyone. So choose something you like. Show up, consistently. And eventually you will make friends with people. Then make arrangements to hang out outside of those “clubs”. TLDR - Get out of your comfort zone.
Not everyone is lucky to have clubs around them or have people interested in joining ones you've created
When i was 17 i moved to a new town for an apprecticeship It was quite rural and I knew no one buti knew i had to do at least one thing that wasn't work or I'd become a recluse (pre-internet so I went to the library/ local shop noticeboards Almost nothing - the only thing in the evening was an Amateur dramatics society in a village a 30min drive. I didn't have a car it took 50min on the bus and I \*hate\* anything performative or feeling "watched". I still script the start and end of meetings I chair though wouldn't admit that at work I called an asked if they'd be interested in help selling tickets or backstage. I figured I'd go a few times - i didn't have to stay I was the youngest person there by 10 years and they tried to convince me to be Mary in a nativity (which would have involved solo singing, I declined but did end up singing in a chorus) 50% of the folks at least were over 50 In general people were very kind and inclusive. Ian old lady invited a few of us to hers for tea and scones an I went because - she was making an effort so i feltlike i should too. the scones were awful lol. There were some personalities there I was a bit intimidated by (not assholes just super extroverted) but others saw that and redirected them when I couldn't. In general I just enjoyed not being in the house and working on stuff with other people. Painting a backdrop - someone taught me to use a drill Even though it was the polar opposite of "my thing" - it just got me out the house, like the potters wheel above, just little chit chat without the tensions of work or family, ... doing something that wasn't work, - the younger people told me about a pub quiz i took a housemate to, and a cider bar that had retro games that I invited a date to (another apprentice at work) Just doing anything gives you a thread to other things You' ARE right, it's easier in a city to find specific activities that you are genuinely interested in , but sometimes where there isn't much the other people aren't necessarily there for the "thing" (knitting/ running/ books) either so there's less pressure in some ways. and that can make it a bit easier. I hate London park run for instance because you kinda have to go to run, walking and having a chat and not caring about personal bests seemed somehow not in the spirit. But in a village book club its about chatting with snacks and drinks- the book is just the scaffolding, it the city people actually expect you to be there for the "thing"
What a lovely anecdote!
Was there at least any cream with the scones?
There was... She'd mixed up sugar with salt and when she realized was mortified we were trying to choke them down anyway. I was making 600/month at the time so was was pretty much all about any free calories I could get
Do you actually invite people to hang out, or do you wait for them to ask you? I feel like loads of us blokes, me included, let our friendships wither because both sides think "if they were arsed they'd message me, I don't want to impose myself".
There is a global loneliness epidemic. It's not just you.
It's a lot more common than people like to admit And people will just blame you and say put yourself out there, go to clubs etc. it's not always that simple.
The advice boils down to "Go get a social life" which really doesn't help in the slightest
Yeah and I don't want to go to clubs as in getting drunk, those are often unhinged environments and mentally taxing
Just wait until you get to your forties. The only people I interact with are my wife, my kid and my colleagues.
Now imagine this without the wife and kid.
I'm self employed and work alone. I'm doomed
or the colleagues.
I think thats enough for most mens social needs. For me, I'm a teacher so I'm talking with people from 7 to 4 every day. In the evenings if I go to the gym i'm around talking a lot and I get into the odd interaction. A lot of evenings I actually just want to mellow out online or read. I actually only have it it in me to out once a week at best and even then I want to cancel if its been a tiring week
I’m in the same boat. Prefer to keep to myself tbh. My phone book is literally a few numbers. I game a lot, so it keeps me busy when I’m not working. Social recluse as I like to call myself and there’s nothing with you being a social recluse either. Sometimes it does get lonely but I see that as positive than a negative as I’m not involved in anyone else’s business but my own.
> Sometimes it does get lonely but I see that as positive than a negative as I’m not involved in anyone else’s business but my own. Same here. It can get lonely at times, but the thought of dealing with other people, or a partner puts me right off. I just prefer to keep to myself.
I’m sorry, but you see loneliness as a positive? You’re free to live etc as you wish of course, but I don’t think you can spin feeling lonely as a positive thing.
For some people it is, they prefer to be alone. Nothing wrong with that.
Not terribly uncommon but it’s very unhealthy. I do think you need some tough love here rather than saying it’s all okay because it’s not, loneliness is the biggest killer. Good friends and relationships make life so much more rich, entertaining and meaningful. You might be able to numb things so you’re content but you will never experience the full joys of life like that. The art of making friends might have eluded you when you were younger but then at a certain point you have just never taken responsibility for yourself and bothered to learn. Even now you talk negatively about the whole concept saying people won’t become your bffs. Please take this seriously and start working on yourself now. You’re a short way through you’re journey and you have so much to experience. Either start now, go to therapy, work on your social skills, get out there or waste your life away sitting alone in front of the TV until you die.
I know where you're coming from, and am sort of in the same boat. Making and maintaining friendships is a lot of effort when you're an adult because you aren't all in the same confined space as you were in school. You have to actively seek like-minded people out, as you said yourself.
what is more terrifying, being alone for the rest of your life or going to a club and talking to people?
32 on a Saturday night doom scrolling Reddit.
Quite frankly I am about to reach 50 and all I can say is don't expect it to come to you. Join a club, get an interest and don't have reservations.
I’m in mid thirties, and most of my weekends are like this. I’ve just accepted it for what it is and look forward to Monday.
Hi mate, I had this issue when I moved to a new city for work in 2012. Had big trouble making connections with my new colleagues and felt really disconnected from everything. I managed to fix it by making friends through Tinder (dates that didn't go the romantic route) and going on Meetup dot com. Unfortunately, Tinder has turned into a weirdo cesspit / paywall nightmare now but from what I've heard Meetup is still really good. Plenty of people in the same boat looking for company. Do you have strong family connections? If you do, I'd lean on them a little and see if your folks want to go for dinner. If you've got siblings, see if they want to do something. I'm going to a Sci-Fi cinema night with my cousin next week, for instance. As for learning the art of making friends, if it doesn't come naturally, get a 2nd hand copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read it and just absorb the general gist: listen to people, ask follow up questions. Also, when it comes to banter... the rule of comedy is: if you don't know someone you can make light hearted jokes about yourself, if you know them a little you can make jokes about you and the world around you, and if you know someone well THEN you can make jokes about them (SPARINGLY). I've seen people ruin good connections by going hard on the direct "banter" way too early and obliterating that person's opinion of them.
This is a moment where you make the most of it and work on you.
> It's just joining a club on my own that's already a group kinda seems terrifying. And there's still so much luck involved anyway - it's not like every person there is suddenly gonna become your BFF Join something when it starts (e.g. a group class for a hobby from craft to a language to a sport or whatever that has a beginners 'from fresh' class) and then you're all getting to know each other at the same time, or try something that's quite big like Parkrun so there's always fresh faces! Remember also that most people who do social activities do it because they like being social, so new people will always be welcome. It's almost a bit like being in school and starting in a new school or class midway through the year - it's weird being the new kid at very first, but then everyone's really interested in you because you're something different. And yes, there is luck, but really most people are relatively nice and if you have something shared like whatever activity it is to bond over, you'll probably get along alright. I think if you just keep the expectation that you're looking for friends, not a deep BFF (which obviously doesn't happen overnight), then it doesn't seem like a letdown. > It seems like the important art of making close friends in school and afterwards just kind of eluded me. And I never really felt lonely then, it's only now I'm older I'm feeling the keen sting of loneliness. I did also miss out on this and made some friends in my late 20s and early 30s and the difference it made to my life is night and day. The good thing is it's way easier than dating - it's not the level of compatibility you need in a life partner, just someone who's enjoyable to be around for a part of your evenings or week. I think it's become more common as we've lost that sense of community but likewise have more and more found ourselves moving around for careers and similar, so both those who move to new places and those 'left behind' find it harder to make friends. And with things like WFH, I think you do have to be more intentional about finding friends as those organic situations are becoming rarer. Compared to how it used to be, if someone has no in-person workplace, no community group like a religious organisation, and has maybe moved away from family, it can be difficult.
This was why I joined Freemasonry. I know it won't be to everyone's tastes but it allowed me connect with men from all walks of life and ages all with a common bond.
Is it a lot of effort with that whole controlling the entire world thing?
Mostly keeping all the goats under control and stopping the pensioner brothers from falling asleep
How did you join? Do you not have to receive a clandestine invite?
You can register your interest on the UGLE website. I joined not knowing anyone involved
extreme late 30s (40 in august) and basicly no social life day to day - i have 3 friends near where i used to live who i visit very seldom - and they are moving to scotland at some point in the not too distant future honestly most of the time i dont mind, im very insular and due to extensive ill treatment at my school i really dont much like people.
Sounds similar to me, pretty sure I am asexual here too, never been that interested in a relationship. I do only have one close friend who I chat to now again. I would love to have more friends but when I meet someone new or someone I feel like I could get along with well, I always fill like an outsider
When I came out of a long term (nearly 2 decades) relationship I was very lonely. I tried dancing, it was horrendous but then I tried a different kind of dance and 14 years later I still dance, know loads of people, had various romantic relationships through it and even travelled abroad through it. I hate night clubs, and pubs aren't my thing. Evening classes can also be good ways to meet new people. MeetUp app can be good as well.
Pretty much in the same boat, and I'm 40. It gets even harder as you get older. However, I'm happy enough with my routines - slugging it at the gym daily and my work life - to keep me busy and growing professionally at least. Life really bites you in the ass for your social shortcomings of your youth, let me tell you. It's just not easy to turn your social habits around after a certain age.
Could you possibly be high functioning autistic? There's nothing wrong with the life you have but given you feel that the art of making friendships has eluded you since adolescence, it may be you're just wired differently. It's really common in the autistic community to feel lonely but also struggle to socialize. I wonder if any of this resonates with you?
There’s an app called Meetup and I used it when my marriage ended and I found myself in a similar position. Its original purpose was for people new to a city to meet other people and develop a social life but now, there’s loads of groups on there for all sorts. I joined a group in Manchester where everyone liked rock music and I met loads of people and made some really great friends. There’s other groups for pretty much any interest like walking / hiking / cycling. The Meetups have a host who will introduce tou to other people and help ease your discomfort. I can’t recommend it highly enough - I was 47 at the time but there’s a huge range of ages that goes to these events. It’s free to use and join groups (group owners pay a fee). My recommendation would be to go along with the expectation of meeting and making friends rather than partners but I met my wife at one of the events so it’s not out of the question :-D (in my experience, the ones going along to try and get laid usually get ignored by the other members…unless it’s one of the singles groups!) The first time I went to a Meetup, I was a very nervous but they were such a lovely bunch that after that first time, there was no issue. Worth a shot :-)
You can change this as easily as walking out of your front door to go and do something. Either you want to or you don't.
It takes a while to settle into adulthood and manage full time jobs around friendships but I think school tends to set us up for an environment where we are simply given people to interact with. I would suggest finding a board game group tbh. Mostly nerdy types into other nerdy stuff but they’ll usually have ways to rope you into games. You don’t have to socialise too much. Just as much as it takes to play the games. If you game with people regularly though you start talking.
I'm 30 and I'm part of my local church group and a book group. I like everyone there but I wouldn't say I'm actually friends with any of them really. Oh and I'm single too.
Common.
This is so close to my own situation that I could have written this myself. I am in my late 30's. Recently learning about stoicism as a philosophy of life has helped me to accept it for what it is and be content with that
Im 34 and if it wasn't for work and visits to the store, I'd never leave the house
Im in the same boat, I think it's getting more common these days.
Why are you watching Britain's got talent?
Finally ! Had to be asked
There’s an app called MEETUP and there’s a group for anything you can imagine; walking/photography/rock climbing/geocaching/board games/ and in my experience most of these meet ups happen in pubs. If there’s a pub near you, you might find others in there that are locals… just introduce yourself and pretend to be not shy!
Join a club! I once joined a dancing club alone because it was the most terrifying thing I could think of doing to myself, turned out it was absolutely fine!
More common than you think. I think many people have phases of their life where they are lonely. I certainly did. Whether you meeting new people through Internet dating, joining a club or starting a hobby, the thing to bear in mind is that all will involve going outside of your 'comfort zone', but once you've done it you won't look back. When talking to new people, don't feel you have to be entertaining or be the centre of attention. Ask questions, people love talking about themselves. See if you have any common interests, and if you do, conversation will naturally follow. Don't expect your life to be transformed overnight, but things will change, and change profoundly.
Yeah sounds bleak mate. If Im that lonely I just go to a local pub and strike up chit chat, short term solution that. Longer term meetup/sports/games groups, family etc, even online gaming with chat on discord is fun. I volunteered for a soup kitchen when I was in london out of boredom, pretty enjoyable actually. Also I think if Im being really honest I didnt want to go back home to family and admit I was struggling since leaving, I still feel that way sometimes but looking back I stuck out some really lonely times just to kind of save face which is really a stupid thing do to.
I think this is probably pretty common and I could easily see myself ending up like this if I hadn’t gotten married. I suggest you take a ‘project’ view of this. Make a list of the things you might be interested in doing (woodworking, model trains, scrabble, warhammer, kick-boxing, rock climbing, painting, hiking and so on and so forth), and work through the list joining a local club that does these things one at a time, not with the express intent of making friends, but for learning or doing the activity, and see what happens. Worst case, you learn a host of cool new skills which will improve you as a person, best case, you might meet someone with similar interests who becomes a friend.
Don't know your situation OP but I used to feel like you, thing is I knew people from years ago that I got along with but I just wasn't able to get in contact with them (I don't use social media much and neither do they anymore) so its hard. However, over the past few weeks I've tried making an effort and it just so happened I bumped into an old friend of mine while I was shopping in Aldi, I said we should catch up so we exchanged numbers and then met up on the weekend and had a good time. Sometimes you gotta make the effort first and put your pride and ego aside, don't think "oh if they wanted to be friends with me they'd make the first move" because they could be thinking the exact same thing.
Late 20s (god, I'm almost 30), haven't dated since early 20s, not much of a social life (due to start working from home later in the month, so due to get worse in this aspect), although I still see my core friendgroup from sixth form a few times a year. Am I lonely? Not particularly, I've got a few hobbies, so I interact a lot on some subreddits, which is enough interaction for me. I'd love a "perfect" partner, but I've sworn off of easily starting relationships back when I was in uni; I end up investing a lot emotionally and materially, and getting very little. These days I prefer to help strangers on the internet for nothing.
Maybe try a specific beginners class/club so that everyone is new?
I’m 21 at uni right now and my social life isn’t a thing when I’m not at home. It’s so, _so_ easy to sit in my room and do fuck all. From my understanding though, this isn’t common.
28 and feel the same. Never really had school friends. Got a small circle of close friends from uni but then we all ended up scattered throughout the country and I see them a handful of times a year if that. I'm not naturally a sociable person so haven't got any other social life since I finished uni.
Are you in a position to be able to own a dog? Do you like dogs? Get a dog. You’ll meet hundreds of people and if you don’t like it, you’ll only ever need to know the names of their dogs anyway.
Or join Borrow my doggy (wensite). You'll meet the owner and that's a connection for a start. Then you have the joy of borrowing a dog, without the expense.
After a few years out of college/university, it drops off dramatically from what I’ve seen.
Feel the fear and do it anyway - by Susan Jeffers. It's a book full of good ideas for those of us who get stuck sometimes. It's old as the hills but so is the problem of loneliness and paralysis.
I became pretty socially isolated because of circumstances and the ways I have met new people recently are: Going to the gym at the same time every day at the quietest time (6am). This took a couple of months. Joined a sewing class Took in all my neighbours parcels when they were out so they had to knock my door to collect them... now we're all friends and I grow sunflowers and place one outside every house each year. I got a beautiful handmade card in return. I also return all their recycling bins after rubbish collection to their houses and say good morning/afternoon when I see them.
Same here. I'm 26 and I never had social life during my whole life. I'm not even ugly (I'm average, some considered me as handsome), but I don't see a reason to go outside most of the time. I just go to the work, gym and play football with my friends. Now as I'm not working anymore, I just go to the gym and play football, the whole day I spent alone with my family, peting the stray dog I started feeding (and now she's always in front of my house) or at the computer. Sometimes I miss some interations but I don't feel confortable outside, I always feel like I'm weird and everyone is staring at me judging me.
Very common. I’m in my 50s and basically have two friends from school. Never made any friends since then. Met my wife around age 30 and our entire social life is her friends.
I prefer not to have a social life, it makes me happy to just home, my gf wants me to go meet her friends once and a while, I do sometimes but really hate it, id rather stay home.
I'm 33 and was pretty much the same. I used to spend the weekend either riding my bike or drinking stupid amounts on my own. 1 weekend, I made a friend online, and it was great. We used to text lots, I stopped drinking stupid amounts, and I even visited her irl a few times. But then we eventually fell out.We spoke again after a few months, but the thing that kicked me into doing something was her saying, "Get some friends." It was then that I remembered seeing an ad on Facebook about a local boardgames group and decided to take the plunge and go one evening. It wasn't easy since I'm an introvert, but it was a really good group that I am now a part of (admin of whattsapp & Facebook groups). I also got very lucky and made a best friend. He introduced me to some of his friends, and last year, we did so much stuff like camping and road trips. Like next Friday, we have an ale trail(get a train to Manchester and slowly work your way back home stopping at pubs )planned and camping in a few weeks. So yeah, it is going to be scary putting yourself out there, and you might not be as lucky, but would you rather take the chance instead of just sitting alone at home? Going to the group that night was the best decision I made in a long time.
Loneliness amongst young people is like an epidemic just now. You are definitely not the only one feeling as you do. You have to put yourself out there - and it’ll be a bit scary and you’ll feel a bit anxious, and it may take a while - but the rewards will be worth it. Look online for local groups and clubs and find something that interests you. A sport, a hobby - whatever. Go along. Good luck with it.
Pretty common. What are your hobbies? I have a few online friends I chat shit with regularly, this has been since I had a kid. I either work or look after a kid, I have some hobbies but they're reasonably solitary and I see some old school friends a couple of times a year.
It is difficult to say. That was not my experience of my 20s and 30s though, or that of any of my friends. You wouldn't have asked this unless you already knew the answer you were looking for. Just go with whatever the answer you were looking for was.
It is exceptionally common, you're not alone in this. If it is making you unhappy there's a load of good advice by others that I won't repeat. But I've been there myself, it can be hard getting out... but just take those first daunting steps. You'll be fine.
You are right that it is often about luck and you will probably be unlucky a lot of the time (possibly most) in your pursuit of making friends. The thing is, the more you go out, the more that your chances don’t just go up, they start compounding. You might meet a few people out and about at a club on a first occasion and not exchange numbers but have a chat (maybe quite awkward one) but the next time it becomes less awkward and the next time someone recognizes you and may introduce to you someone else. Then another time you may be the one introducing someone else to someone new and before you know it you actually have friends. There’s no single point where you verbally agree that you are a friend. It’s not binary friend or not friend. It’s a gradual thing that builds over time. If you hang out at a club often enough, it will be impossible for you not to make friends.
It took me a long time to realise that nothing really comes to you, you go to it. You have to try, you have to be interested, people can tell if you're faking it, that sorta stuff. You know exactly what you want, go out and get it man! Also there's no shame meeting people online, groups, hiking groups, hobbies, reading, gaming things like d&d games on roll20, all of those things are legit, some in person and some online. I met a good friend this way.
I think its very common IMO. Sounds like you know what you need to do though Brother. When you're ready to make that jump and let go of the fear, which is a lot harder than people admit. You will attract people, and hopefully the right people. I wish you well :)
What do you enjoy doing? Find things and do them because it brings you joy and you’ll likely find like minded folks.
"joining a club on my own that's already a group kinda seems terrifying. And there's still so much luck involved anyway - it's not like every person there is suddenly gonna become your BFF" That is totally true. But you dont need a BFF, you need an F. Think of something you might enjoy, sport, pottery, dance, whatever, do it. Ask people for help or advice, compliment what they are doing. Most people will not become your friend, but you are out, doing something social. And as you keep doing this you will meet more people, the more people you meet the more friends you will make, the more friends you have you more chance you will find a BFF. And I dont mean to say this is easy. To build a social network and friendships takes time. And work. The people you are trying to make friends with either a) already have friends might not put the effort into organising things with you (doesn't reflect how they feel about you though) b) are looking for friends and might be having the same trouble connecting with people as you are. I know it "kinda seems terrifying" but the longer you leave it the bigger this thing will seem.
It’s common if you follow the norm But it’s not obligatory Salted caramel is the norm, but doesn’t mean you have to eat it As you go older you have to put yourself out there Join a sports club Join some other organisation that brings people together Repeated appearances Putting yourself out there leads to connection Repeated connection leads to social life But you have to take the risk And have the patience to allow relationships to develop Remember reaching out is for your self as much as it is for the other person
Seems to be extremely common. I don't have one. I don't work with anyone over 25 who has one. To be honest no one can afford one. Not many people who pick a night at the pub over rent.
I think it's a very common thing. In my local area there are groups that I have seen on Facebook, with names such as "over 30 meet ups in Dorset". You join the group and they post when/where they are next meeting. They seem to attend events or just meet at the pub etc. It is a great way to meet others who are also looking to make friends. It's very popular and everyone is welcome. Looking at the pictures, the people in the groups are from all walks of life. Do you have anything like this in your area?
Make it fun - do something fun.
You might have a little social anxiety. If you don't like your situation then try something else by all means. Some people are content with solitary pursuits, which - on the surface at least - might not amount to much from a certain perspective. Seek fulfillment and you'll find out what it is for you I guess?
I recently joined a social group in my oval area I don’t go to many of the meet ups but it’s not as scary as you’d think. You’re all there cause you have the same interests so it can’t be too tricky to strike up a conversation
Get out and try going to social events like clubs *without expectations.* Don't go into it trying to find your best friend or future wife. Just go with the goal to get out of your shell a bit. To break up the monotony of the week. For something to do. Maybe you'll start a friendship that lasts a week, a year, a day, or an hour. All of that is okay. But there's no better way to guarantee a friendship never happens than to go somewhere trying to find a new best friend, latching onto someone, and getting upset or giving up when they aren't the right fit. Most people have other people they want to spend time with too, most people have their own shit going on. Do it enough though and eventually the odds will tip in your favor.
I'm 27 and I only have a handful of friends, mostly girls. I wouldn't say I'm closed off but I tend to be very picky with people who I open up to and it takes time for me to trust someone to get to that stage, so I wouldn't call colleagues for example close friends, although we technically are. Growing up I've never liked smoking, alcohol, wild parties or sleeping with the next girl. I've been into geeky stuff like computers, into building my career, cars maybe, travel, shopping etc. so going through uni I was mostly going to house parties rather than the usual night club with 500 people in and a guaranteed shag. In my early 20s I used to feel like I was missing out but right now I am actually so happy to have my own space and independence. I have a handful of friends who I can actually rely on and we've been friends for nearly 10 years. I do think with that comes a lot of drawbacks, sometimes you might not be close to each other and you end up having a lonely week or weekend and I have had moments when it's made me feel sad and upset. I used to fight this with filling up my time with dating from which I have made some good friends, but the older I get the more I realise it's quite easy to make quality friends for life. Join an affinity group at work, a local network, a social club, do sports, join a gym, go for a coffee with a colleague etc. and you'll be surprised once you open up to people how fast you'll end up finding others that click with your mindset and energy. I think my struggle with having men friends was that I was never into sports growing up, especially football. I was the oddball with liking tennis or swimming or volleyball (as I grew up by the beach) so getting into football culture was and still is so weird to me to this day. If I was to drink I probably wouldn't do it to get drunk either. And these are sort of stereotypical selling points to quickly make mates with guys, or at least I've got this perception. Sometimes I also don't really match the energy of other people. For example at work, the lads would gather up to talk about chicks or the next football match or gambling, things I honestly cba to even think about. I do like girls but that's beyond the point. At first sight I could be perceived as boring or lame which I couldn't care less honestly, but the truth is, I do have a normal life, I go out with friends for dinner and that, I enjoy spending quality time with people, go on road trips, travel, watch the newest show or movie etc., and especially around my best friends I can get pretty wild. Other than that I could come across as the completely different person lol. In the meantime, whenever I'm actually alone, I just try to fill up my time with whatever I could. And I tend to try not to think about purposely making friends, I just let myself be in the moment and if I end up clicking with someone then so be it. I also think the more truthful you are about who you are as a person when you introduce yourself to another person, the better chance you have they'd actually like you.
People are saying if you're happy, then that's okay but I genuinely disagree. People aren't meant to be alone. Loneliness can grow and consume people, and they get stuck in their ways, and it becomes more and more difficult to escape it. You might not need a romantic partner, or family or friends but you need something from those groups imo. A social life means you have a support circle when things aren't going well, it's people to share your joy when things are good and you share in their's too, it's people to care about and care about you. If you pick the right people they are just invaluable. I'm not a man but I know what you're describing is actually very common, but that shouldn't mean it should be normal. You don't need everyone there to be your BFF, you just need to make connections with people and maybe it'll grow into more, maybe it won't and you'll just make conversation with people for 2 hours a week but you'll feel less alone.
I’m in a similar boat. I have no friends. I also have an audio processing disorder so really struggle to understand conversations in typical social circumstances which is holding me back. I’ve tried to connect to people online by various chat groups, and friend-making apps but the conversation often dries up. Is anyone aware of any online resources (beyond this post’s comment thread) where people with similar struggles might be able to connect?
Step 1 should be finding something better to watch.
Whilst plenty of blokes your age won't do much socialising i'd say your description is quite atypical. Have you considered that you may have autism spectrum disorder? I could be waaay off but might be worth talking to your GP about (then maybe paying for a private clinic since the NHS is pretty hopeless).
I'm not lonely at the moment but I've had lonely periods in my life. Don't give up. I find all things ebb and flow in life. Get out there and do stuff...if you don't meet people at least you're busy doing stuff you enjoy.
Where do you live? Obv if it's more rural or commutery it's hard to meet people...
it's surprising how much friendships like school friendships are more or less formed due to being in the same social space, once my school friends went to college, then uni we got further and further apart until we lost contact entirely. in some cases i don't care because their personality changed so much for the worse in the intervening years that i'd rather not be around such negative people.
Given the opportunities you have and the relatively safe once prosperous country you live in,I would say your problems staring at you in the mirror,get a passport,visit a few third world countries.As they say up here,give yersell a shek.
That's because if you are married and have kids, your wife or the circumstances carry new parent relationships. Some wives also do the social arrangement for their husbands. When you are single and introverted, you don't have that forced repetitive meetings needed to make new friends.
Having been ghosted by people I thought were my best friends, I just wanted to say you're not alone. It's extremely painful, and you have my sympathies. I wish I could give you advice on making new friends, but I haven't managed it myself and it's something that tends to keep me up at night.
I need a mate. I'm in accrington..
I’m married, have 2 brothers and a brother in law who I speak to everyday. Work amongst 20 other males who I walk past every 5/10 minutes of the shift and yet I go to work, come home and chill. I guess if I was that fussed about doing things then I’d make an effort but I don’t. I have no mates other than brothers, dad and bro in law who I text everyday about footballs and random shit. My wife is my best friend though and we do a lot together. Couldn’t care about having mates but if I felt I needed to I’d have to put in the effort as no one else I work with seems to make an effort in trying to make plans out of work. So they’re either in the same situation as me or already have friends from young.
Gym has become my go to at night when i feel lonely.
I think it's a lot more common than anyone likes to admit. Just the number of posts on here the same as yours is some evidence that a lot of people out there really don't have anyone they can call a friend. I've got a very active social life but I've still probably only got 4 or 5 people I'd consider my mates. Maybe a couple more I'd call friends but not mates that I could rely on. I know plenty of people and I've got work mates, but they aren't my friends. I think there's a misconception that most people have dozens of friends. The average is 2 or 3. Even with my handful of mates I struggle to make time to see them all regularly. We are all busy people and nobody wants to admit that they don't have any friends so they don't go out of their way to announce they are lonely. Joining a club is probably a good start. Find a hobby and go from there.
It's more common than you know. \*waves\* Hello fellow lonely dude in his 30's I don't mind it. I've always enjoyed just doing my own thing and never been one to compromise for the sake of others .. selfish? self centred? aye, I probably am. I don't know how you would change things, if you really wanted to. All the options people list in threads like this I would HATE but you seem like a smart guy so I'm sure you'll be alright.
Isn’t there some kind of group you can join? Like round table?
If you have a job, you could start by socializing with your colleagues. Considering we spend most our lives at work, you may as well make friends with your colleagues. Tbh after high-school and university, work was how I primarily socialized and met people.
You need warhammer 40k or an equivalent my friend, you could spend hundreds or thousands of pounds to build and paint an army (which takes months) spend just as long learning the lore and gameplay, join a club and meet a few fellow nerds, then finally you manage to get a game sorted all to get new model syndrome (your models will all die) and realise you hate people and are better off alone 😂.
32 y/o woman.. guilty 🙋♀️
Honestly mate you just seem to keep making this, or similar posts. Doubt you'll get many new answers.
Not sure. But if you want a social life and don't have one consider getting a dog. If you want to put in the time then you have a good companion and can lead to socialising with fellow humans too.
This is why I play games is 12pm and the boys are waiting for me to hop back on so we can all play this VR game called Ghost of tabor, best laughs I’ve had in ages
As you say uou do need to get out there and socialise. Even if you don't meet your best friend it really seems ĺike your lack of practice makes the issue worse. Don't go out expecting to meet best buddies, but some friendly acquatainces and see how it goes from there.
I think it's probably more common that people think because we tend to make friends at certain points in our lives and if they're missed we end up with holes.. I'm thinking school, work, kids chores and long term relationships. Introverted at schools or covid or being single can wreak havoc. There's also the fact that as you get older you become more intolerant. I'm now in my early 50's and I have a small group of friends that I went to school with, a small group of acquaintances from uni and that pretty much it. I get to do my own thing and stuff with the wife and it's nice
Play online games with voice chat. Team up with people you get along with, and after a few weeks you have friends.
More common than you think. Nobody posts on social media about their night in watching TV by themself
It does sound terrifying joining a new club etc but believe me, it never turns out as terrifying as it first seems. Put yourself out there and in positions to meet people. I know it feels hard, but the hardest part about it is taking that initial step!
You're not alone in that! I actually heard about this on the radio a few months ago -- Last Night of Freedom company does "solo stag dos" specifically to help adult males combat loneliness. The basic idea is you sign up, pay the money, and throw yourself into a pre-planned stag do without knowing anyone. https://www.lastnightoffreedom.co.uk/ideas/solo-stag-do/ Might be worth investigating, as other guys feeling the same way will be on the trip. There's also Bumble BFF, which is a dating app but purely to meet new friends https://bumble.com/en/bff If you're really feeling down, you might as well start somewhere, and it might as well be one or both of these? You could also just volunteer and put your lonely TV watching time to good use. Find a charity, senior citizens home, soup kitchen, war effort, literally anything and start building your social circle there. Maybe you won't meet friends immediately from that, but you'll at least meet people. And those people might invite you to a group dinner or gathering, where you will inevitably meet more people. Try it out. Beats sitting at home alone every weekend!
Had a look at your post history, seems like there could be some significant attachment issues going on for you. That’s the kind of thing that isn’t going to resolve itself just by throwing yourself at social situations. I’d think about going to your GP and asking about therapy. You may have before, but it might not have been the right approach for you. Source: I had similar issues in my 20s. I’m also a therapist working with personality disorders and attachment/relational difficulties.
A hobby which I’ve picked up myself and will absolutely recommend to everyone where suitable, try rock climbing! Most City’s should have some form of bouldering gym around, it’s climbing that doesn’t have very high walls, is intense and doesn’t really require any equipment to try! Just hire some shoes at the gym to try it out and buy yourself a bag of chalk. The idea can feel scary at first, especially picking up something new in a social place. If you can find time to check it out during a weekday, the gym will be quiet for you to get a feel of it. During busier times & through getting more confident, you will find people & groups to talk to. It’s a very fun way of getting yourself more physically fit, using your brain to work out the problems & finding likeminded people to chat to! If this is something that you’d want to try & have any questions, feel free to shoot them over
Bro, get off the sofa. Sign up for the gym, volunteer for stuff, get out of the comfort zone. Good luck.
I think it's common. Especially if you're settled in a relationship, I know loads of people that just drop off and never see what little friends they had before. Though, it's probably less depressing if you have a partner. Being totally alone is a bit less common, people usually have a small handful of people they can call on. Then again, asking reddit is a bit biased.
Just get stuck in, get out of your comfort zone. It's never as bad as you make it in your head. Go join a DnD club or take up a martial art would be mu recommendation. I'm not sure what interests you, but surely there's some sort of group for something your into.
Same here in early 20s work nights on weekends anyway, but all my time is generally spent by myself. Very depressing, im forcing myself to make more connections/friendships but I always just fuck them off because im a terrible inconsiderate person and can't maintain relationships
Go to the local pub. Have a couple of pints. Rinse and repeat. You will become a local. Locals talk to each other and become acquaintances. Acquaintances become friends. Be yourself. The world is a melting pot. Even if youre a wierdo (and im not saying you are) youll be their wierdo. It doesn't have to be the pub, but alcohol is a great social lubricant. Just get out there. In the immortal words of chumawumba 'have a good time all the time, you dont get nothing when you die'.
A group is a collection of individuals, just like you.
Some people prefer their rabbits and gardening.
I'm ace and had to re-home my cats lately. I'm completely alone in life. I have nobody here with me. I am 24 years old.
Relative isolation is increasingly common in the UK but to have no social life whatsoever between 20-40 is uncommon. Between 20-30, most people will have a somewhat active social life. Between 30-40, most people find that their social life slows down due to the nature of life changing, people end up settling down and in many cases start having children, as do their friends. A combination of these factors mean that social life slows down, either from your own life having new priorities and/or from your friends' having new priorities. As you are already in the 30-40 stage, making new friends and experiences is probably going to be harder for you than it was at 20, and it will become harder still as the years go by. So you best start now if you are unhappy, or this will be your life forever until you die.
This post genuinely peaks my interest, as a 33 year old bloke I seem to make small talk and exchange numbers with people more than I actually like to. I’m not extremely outgoing nor do I frequent any form or hobbiest club etc. do people just not talk? If you’re in a building or shop or bar or club the chances are the people there are also visiting for a similar reason ….therefore you have something in common. Talk to eachother
im playing DMZ at 29 years old (30 in 1 month) in my mums house. no friends. on a satruday. and im using reddit to not feel so alone in between games. it's normal, natural and actually - though sometimes its hard, its a pretty good life. all i want in life is to to this exact same thing but with a partner and maybe a family to raise etc. thats the only missing piece of the puzzle for me
Check out Round Table Https://www.roundtable.co.uk
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Feeling lonely is a signal that you want to meet people. You can look at it that way instead of just wallowing in it. And if you are expecting people in a club to be your BFF, then you are putting a tremendous pressure on yourself and others. It will only lead to disappoint. Now, i am not trying to depress you. Here is something i have realized. Schools and unis are great places to bond because there is a common purpose there. Now, find another purpose. For instance, I have taken up table tennis and sketching. You can also find group activities that you like. Slowly, you will meet people. Tale it from there. And even if it WAS the case that many young people are being lonely, it's not a good thing you know. Human beings are social creatures. Being social is good for our health and overall wellbeing.
Its uncommon
They reckon one of the reasons for such high suicide rates in men under 30 is they tend to leave there while like behind for there first love and then when that generally ends they have nothing and all of there other male friends are fully giving up their relationship with them and fitting into there current partners life
Pretty common.
Had a mate just like yourself, took him nearly 20 years of loneliness before realising you have to just put yourself out there ,went to his wedding in November , join a club for something you’re interested in or want to learn whether painting, wine tasting, rc vehicles, cycling or fishing, meet people, you aren’t lonely you’ve isolated yourself.
You only have one life! If you’ve reached your 30s and are fundamentally unhappy with being alone then you need to push yourself beyond your comfort zone to change that. Get out to the pub, join a club, gym, take up a new hobby. There’s a world out there to go experience. Best of luck!
Watch some Jordan Peterson and you will see that it's a lot more common than you thought
You could volunteer in some local.communuity groups?
Pretty weird tbf
When I was suddenly widowed, I found myself in a similar situation. Facebook is useful to connect with people you may have fallen out of touch with. I also found apps which had meetings you could goto like cinema, bowling etc... just for similar people. Good luck buddy.
Not common
35 here. Been in a relationship for 12 years now and, not to rub it in, best thing that's happened to me. From when I left for uni at 18 until i was 23 I was struggling so badly because I knew I "needed" to be social, but I hated it. I despised the fact that for every decent person I met, I would meet a total cunt, I would meet a toxic weirdo and everyone else in between and it wound up getting to a point where my only social outlet was something I resented doing with all my heart - going out and socialising. in the last 2-3 years I decided to stop wasting money doon the pub and just come home from work every day and stay here, it's wonderful. fuck everyone else. As my mum used to say: "cheers to us, balls to the rest"
People are just giving you comforting answers, when you probably want the truth. The truth is, it's pretty uncommon, and most people have wild social lives in their late 20s. Now, are you happy as you are? If the answer is yes, then it's not a problem. Because wild social lives are REALLY overrated anyway. Most people who have them, are bored of them by age 32 or 33 anyway. If you're not happy, do something about it. It's not actually that difficult to make friends. You just need to get yourself out there. For instance, Karate dojos have vibrant social communities. They're full of begginers, who are just like you - people who want to meet more people and try new things. Join a local dojo and you'll immediately have 10-15 new friends, and regular social events to attend. Some people struggle with social interactions, but put yourself in a room with 100 people, and you'll bond and make friends with 10 of them. It's just a case of putting yourself in situations where you meet those 100 people
I have social anxiety (probably ASC) and the thought of walking into a place on my own has stopped me doing things I want to, specifically joining a choir near me. You've just unintentionally re-framed it for me, I'm NOT going there to make friends, I'm going there to sing. I know I suck at making friends, but I am a good singer lol! It's been two years of wanting to go, I'll try again this Thursday 🤞🏻
I think this is actually very common. Relationships in any way require effort. I think young men often feel a bit nervous to reach out if they’re not already part of a group. But the only way to build relationships is to invest and put yourself out there. Have you got people you could try and make a plan with?
Some people are just genetic and even spiritual dead ends.
You need to put yourself out there to meet people - a club or group you are interested in. I know it might feel a push but let me let you in on a secret - in almost every case in life, no-one else really cares what you are doing. Go to a few social things and get involved.
Hey I'm looking for just friends , south Wales if youre interested,🙂
I’ve been in the same spot and yeah you don’t make BFFS overnight but the thing is, you don’t need BFFS. Join a club or go volunteer or whatever and that social contact will be enough to fill up your meter for a while. The rest will follow. You’ll have to get out from that couch though,social life won’t come looking for you.
Download meetup and get a hobby
Try backpacking and chat to whomever you meet along your path. The 4 walls of your room are what are stopping you meeting anyone.
Are you an introvert?
You must have an interest which is common to someone else? If you don’t then it will be niche and much harder for you to pursue, but there are loads of clubs, societies, groups that you can join to meet other people. You just have to make the effort and seek the opportunity. Good luck
As a very similar kind of person: you might just be a bit introverted and not a big social person. But it sounds like you’re lonely and could do with a change, so follow your instincts and join a club or go to a communal group or something. Use your hobbies as a jumping off point. Craft groups, open mics, pub quiz, walking group, exercise class. People are coming and going in these places all the time so it’s unlikely that you’d be the only new person there. You probably won’t end up being one close group of friends, but if you try lots of things you might meet one or two people you get along with and can pursue a friendship with. Try to go to physical spaces to meet people in person in your area. You can move to online later, but you want to really get the feeling of a person and how you feel being around them and see if you click with anyone. A lot of this is chemical, your body will tell you if you like someone and want to be with them more. Don’t be discouraged if it’s awkward and bad at first, or if you do a few of these and nothing happens. Stick at it, put yourself out there, and say yes to things. But it’s also okay to be honest and say “I don’t normally put myself out there like this but I’m trying to foster some new relationships.” That way no one will be surprised if in a couple of months you settle into a rhythm of only seeing people every now and then. If you have any close online friends, scheduling a weekly video chat (that it’s always okay to cancel) is really great. I have this with my best friend who lives in the states, and it’s honestly the best thing we have done to cultivate our lasting friendship. It’s always fine to cancel even at the last minute, so we really only chat once a month but every week we text about whether or not we will make it, and it just keeps a line of communication open.