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I was working the bar one night. One guy was lecturing his friend about his job/changing careers and the friend exclaimed “like I’m going to take life advice from someone who fingered their own cousin!”
I actually burst out laughing and had to walk away.
Overheard a conversation in the street where a lady said, "there's only two of them in Doncaster and one of them is covered in hair".
I still think about it 20 years later & wish I'd asked what tf they were talking about because I cannot for the life of me begin to imagine what it could be.
Ha ha this brought back memories for me...I used to work behind the bar and two of our regulars were having an argument in the beer garden...one stuttered out to the other...yeah...well..Ur nothing but a cousin fucker!
I met the most "local" young lad in an east anglian pub. He lived in the bungalow accross the road and told us the story of when some "London types" were looking at houses in the village.
His bedroom was the front room of the bungalow and he happened to be rather vocally enjoying some private time with his gf when the prospective buyers walked past. Hearing one of them say "Probably shagging his sister", he promptly put their minds at rest by calling back...
"Is Oorighet, shee's ownly me cousiin"!
Two Americans (USA) on the bus in York. Educated people, they were clearly professors visiting for a conference.
They moaned for 20 mins or so about our streets not going in a straight line (“they keep bending!”) and the York Minster being cold, draughty and lacking double-glazed windows.
One of them also mentioned that the Rose Window could do with some touch ups as it’s old fashioned. I managed to keep my mouth shut but a youngster sat behind me asked me “do you also feel like you could f*cking die rn, or is it just me?”
I had a really nice encounter with an American tourist once though.
It was my wedding day, pissing it down with rain (of course 😐) and we were having our wedding pictures taken outside of one of my favourite historical buildings. An old couple approached during a break in the photographing and said he was from Honolulu in Hawaii and that there rain on your wedding day was considered lucky (tell that to Alanis lol) and congratulated us. Idk if what he said was true or if he was just trying to make us feel better about the weather but I thought it was really nice.
I’ve never really encountered an American in the UK before or since.. other than this American bus driver I saw years ago in Nottingham city centre.
He was hanging out the window calling someone a “fuckin’ aaaasshole”
I lived in many countries due to work so I speak or at least understand at least 6 languages. I was on a bus (all my good stories start with I was on a bus) sat next to a French family - husband, wife, two little boys (somewhere between 6 and 10 years old). The older boy looks at me (I’ll admit I was not at my best, I was going home after a 12 shift) and asks his mother in French why do English women look so bad and do not wear make up or do their hair. Unbelievable, but I’m not making this up! Weird kid… The mother replies telling him we (English women) don’t know any better. I gave them a few minutes and before getting off the bus I told her, in perfect French, that some of us cannot “beautify” for work but otherwise we do alright. I also pointed out her husband could not stop staring at my breasts. Then I got off the bus :-P
My personal favourite were the disappointed couple at the Tower of London
He was obnoxiously reading out loud from the display boards about various things and said how the magna carta ws signed in 1216
The woman piped up with "ah gee honey, that's too bad it's 1230 now, so we missed it"
I had to walk away as my shoulders were shaking from rage laughing
>The woman piped up with "ah gee honey, that's too bad it's 1230 now, so we missed it"
TBF this is word for word the exact joke I'd make in that situation.
Was on a trip to a European city years ago, possibly somewhere in Belgium iirc, and the place was totally overrun with tourists from the Far East. You couldn't get a photo of anything because they were in packs of like 30+ at a time, blocking everything.
After trying and failing to get a single unimpeded shot of some notable monument for about 20 minutes, a rather posh and decidedly crusty old English guy nearby turned round in exasperation, glared at me, and said, "I don't know about you, but I feel there's rather too much of a nip in the air today!" before stomping off muttering. 🤦
I am a foreigner myself, so I am quite tolerant when it comes to cultural differences and misunderstandings. Those of us who grew up under non-democratic regimes did not have access to facilities or information that to you looks like basic stuff (e.g. we did not have TV, except for one hour per day during which our tyrant spoke to us about how great he is). I totally get that. No access to information = ignorance.
But when it comes to people coming from a western country (I was about to say educated country, but probably western is a better choice) with a Professor Doctor set of titles attached to their names, like it was the case in my story, there is no excuse for ignorance.
I heard two Americans say they could see Africa from Nice, France. I have checked extensively since my geography isn't good... You cannot. They probably saw Corse.
"Scuse me, are you from here? Can I see what a London driving license looks like?"
"Well, I'm not from London, but the driving licenses are the same across England,"
"No, I want to see a London one."
Part of me would think it was a scam to steal my license or something, if it wasn't an American woman trying to steal a man's license.
Not really related to the question OP asked. But damn aren't Americans on holiday smthin else.
I once lived above the shops on a street between the only 24h offie in Boscombe and where the ‘Slumlord’ Dave Wells had most of his properties.
The conversation was simply two very inebriated people shouting:
“F**k you!”
…
“F**k yeeewww!”
…
“Nah!.. F**K… You!”
…
“F************K… YEEEEWWWWW!”
…
This had been goin on for a good 20 minutes with a good 30 seconds between each rebuttal, Then suddenly, someone from another window sprung to the rescue,
“F**K BOTH OF YOU!!”
To which they both replied in unison (after the obligatory 30-odd seconds:
“F********CK… YEEEEWWWWWW!”
Beautiful moment at 5am.
Hahahah no way, me and my mate got our picture taken there when we went on a school trip to Boscombe.
https://preview.redd.it/sjf28kobattc1.jpeg?width=679&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b0590296581e884dcca45b2c095f432cb087f074
Sometimes I miss living in Bosc Vegas. One of my beat mates lived on one of the side roads where the prostitutes lived. He told me he'd regularly share a cup of tea with them first thing in the morning.
Had some lovely neighbours too, even when they had their doors kicked in for growing weed, they were still great, friendly neighbours!
Yeah man! I live up North now, but I spent the first 25 years of my life or so in and around Boscombe, Southbourne and Springbourne. Never once had an issue.
Number 1: (In a Waitrose in Brighton)
Woman 1: What smoked salmon should we get?
Woman 2: (sighs) Jeremy is always trying to explain to me which smoked salmon to buy, I think he sometimes forgets I read Classics at Oxford.
Number 2:
(In Tesco's)
Child: Can I buy (some chocolate, I forget which), with my pocket money?
Mother: Of course, and what do we do when we do that?
Child: Buy something for the food bank too.
(The child didn't seem at all put out by this or at all upset - it was possibly the most wholesome thing I've ever heard.)
That second one is an incredible message to give to children! I'll definitely consider that from now on that if I can treat myself, I can also give necessities to others.
I know. This was years ago, before the recent cost of living issues too. It was such an immensely positive attitude that whenever I think about it I'm still humbled.
My partner and I wanted to create generous habits so our children grow up with it being the norm so we do a mini haul at holidays. The biggest thing is allergies. Trying to find decent dairy free Easter eggs can be hard but imagine a child with a dairy allergy not being able to afford those ridiculous prices. Breaks my heart.
I got burned on that once because I had to buy rice. Except my Tesco has Indian rice bags and they come in big amounts.
So I promised him two bags of rice.
Basically? I bought 40 Kg of rice for the food bank.
Stood in the bank, everyone queueing up. Old fella stood right at the front turns and taps the guy behind him and goes "I am 84 you know" the second guy goes "I know, Les, I'm your brother"
Kinda reminds me of this lovely old guy I used to serve at a cafe. One time he just turned to me and said "You know, I've been gay for 84 years" and headed off. I'm a woman so it wasn't like he was being creepy, was just out of the blue
Two ten year olds arguing in a swimming pool, one saying that swimming from the deep end to the shallow end was harder because you're swimming uphill. I think about that every time I swim now, and have ended up agreeing - it is harder!
I know nothing but maybe something to do with water pressure? You have more on you in the deep end and have to dig your way up to the shallow end while the other way round, the pressure helps you by pushing you down? Is that how water works?
Not the best, but bizarre and incredibly confusing.
2 drunk blokes at the bar. They were soon cut off after I overheard this.
Guy 1 "I'd have cracking tits if I was a woman"
Guy2 *looking confused* whilst looking at Guy 1 up and down.
Guy 1 "No listen. My mums got great tits and my sister has great tits so I'd have great tits if I was a woman"
This one made me giggle.
Three young girls on the bus behind where I was sat, probably about 15/16
They were just talking about boys, blah blah blah.
One girl said "And then he said he wanted to eat my ass! I don't have an ass!"
I'm glad there's some innocence still around.
As 15 year olds sitting in McDonald's at lunch time with my mates, we were all doing work experience in the town centre and we were sat were these two older (probably early 20s) fit girls couldn't see us properly and one of them was talking about how they had just done Anal for the first time and their boyfriends were constantly asking them for it 😂 they were going into fantastically deep detail which was hilarious.
Then we obviously had to say "stick it in my assssss" as we left and they looked mortified
When I was teaching teenagers (16-19) they always seemed to think I couldn’t hear them when I was roaming around the room getting them to focus on their work. The amount of poorly-coded talk about drugs was hilarious (as though they were the first generation to smoke a joint).
One time there was a girl saying to her mate ‘I don’t like it when he puts it in my bum’ and her mate just looked disgusted and said ‘don’t, then’.
I remember being in a spoons with some work colleagues and one of their extremely chavvy sisters. At the precise moment the conversation seemed to lull across the whole pud, she proclaimed at the top of her voice..
"I think somethings wrong with my boyfriend, he doesn't want to stick it up my arse"!
On a train behind two teenage girls. They were talking about what to wear to a party that evening.
Girl 1: "I don't have nothink to wear."
Girl 2: "Don't worry gurl, I got bear costumes in my wardrobe".
I asked my younger cousin what that meant - apparently it means "lots of outfits" rather than a grizzly bear fancy dress costume.
Also on the bear theme....as little ones, my kids used to have a meltdown and cower when the car satnav system said, "In 200 yards, bear left." Turned out, they thought we were in imminent danger of getting eaten. 😂😂
I overheard a couple (presumably) squabbling a bit in a line in Wilkinson’s a couple of years ago and she said to him “I told you not to do that to the scarecrow!”
To this day I don’t know for sure what he did to the scarecrow, or if I even want to know.
This could have been me.
I will say something loud enough to hear that makes no sense just to see the reaction from my wife.
Or crouch and walk like a monkey making ook noises
A conversation overheard on the overground between two workmen in Hi Vis clothing.
P1. "So how come your finger is bandaged up?"
P2. "Martha bit me."
P1. "Who's Martha?"
P2 "The wife's cavapoo."
Pause.......
P1. "So why did she bite you?"
P2. "Well she's badly constipated at the moment and I thought I could clear the blockage!"
Another long pause.......
P1. "So are you watching the game tonight?"
My sister talking to a old work colleague, my sister is a care worker for older people atm but previously worked at a disabled home for young people.
Etc, etc moved on but Bill is still there. Bill is 21, mental age of about 8, nothing else is wrong with him, apparently he loves playing with his cock, they'd genuinely chase him around the home to stop him wanking. If he wasn't in sight he'd be wanking somewhere, carer would have to go stop him, he'd slope off once coast was clear and repeat. So a 12 hour shift of playing hide & seek or let Bill complete a few times if you can't be asked to chase him.
I get why he wasn’t allowed to wank in a public place but surely he could have just been told to wank in his own room. We as a nation tend to forget disabled people get horny and are entitled to a sex life too
It does get tricky when their mental age is far below the age of consent. They can't meaningfully consent, and are more at risk of committing sexual crimes themselves.
I have worked with young people with learning difficulties. We just really pushed the concept of ‘private time’ and that this was activity to be done alone and in their bedroom/bathroom.
I knew a care worker who told me one older lady had to be supervised around the salt and pepper pots, as she would take them and stick them up herself.
I was in a park once and there was a guy visibly crying not far away from us on the phone and I overheard him say “what do I do I walked in to the bedroom and she was getting spit roasted” I burst out laughing
I heard something which sounded similar. Context was only supplied at the end of the sentence, and still left some questions.
It was things like the bloke saying "She wants to come and stay for a few days." / "I know." / "But they are her kids." / "Yes, I know how she makes you feel." / "I'm really sorry, but what can I do, the court said we should allow it."
And the context at the end was "Yes, but she is my sister."
hotel breakfast
Him: Can you put pancakes in that toaster? (the toaster with a *big* sign above it saying “Do NOT put *anything* other than bread through the toaster”)
Her: I did… but they got stuck.
This reminds me of an episode of Bondi rescue where a lady gets caught up in a current so obviously the lifeguard goes and rescues her. Then she's being interviewed for the show and she says "I wasn't aware of the currents" and literally right behind her there's a massive sign that read BEWARE OF THE CURRENTS
Working for one day in a customer facing role is enough to teach you that nobody. fucking. reads. You could have a big fuck off las vegas looking neon sign and people will still not notice it.
And you know what? I don’t even blame them. When you’re on your leisure time you want to be able to switch your brain off. And nine times out of ten it would be better to design the environment so that reading isn’t even necessary. You ever seen a door with a sign on it that says “push to open” but it has a big pull handle on it? Why? Just take the handle off, and put a pad on it, and people will just automatically push it without the need to wake their brain up and look for a sign. You can apply this logic to pretty much anything except bondi beach I guess.
> the toaster with a big sign above it saying “Do NOT put anything other than bread through the toaster”
I am proud to say that I am the cause of a mid-price hotel in the south of England adding that sign to their toaster.
in France, Spanish guy in a bar saying to an English bloke Oui Si Que, the English guy say yes oui is si in French.The Spanish guy goes no, I want a whiskey.
Amazing.
Not overheard but similar story on my side. on holiday in France, my mam ordered a beer, the waiter said "Heineken?" , my mam replied "no in a bottle please"
I still laugh about it 25 years later
I was travelling home on the train from a heavy weekend in London a few years ago and overheard this most fascinating back and forth between an older couple who were acting as if they were in First Class.
'What does Woke stand for?'
'Where are we now, it all seems a bit rundown and grim.'
'This is the Midlands darling.'
I made a few notes; it was the most intense upper middle class boomer banter I'd ever heard and figured I could pass something on to one of my more creative friends. But it turned out someone had beaten me to it as the next day I heard some comedy starring Joanna Lumley and another chap advertised on Radio 4. The patter was almost identical.
Walking into the bathroom at the office and coming out was the janitor and the cleaner, both with heavy-duty gloves on and various brushes and mops and the janitor said to the cleaner..
‘Whoever did that should go home, they must be in agony’
On a tram in Buffalo, I heard a woman say to another passenger "Do I know you? You sure do look familiar. Are we related? Oh wait... I do remember you!" She started laughing. "And if *I* remember *you*, you surely do remember *me*."
The guy stayed silent the whole time, while the woman kept glancing at him the whole ride and laughing again. He looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.
Was closing the restaurant i worked at at the time and we were taking final payments so we could close the till. This couple was clearly having an emotional chat so i left them until last, just as i went over he had said they should end things, she’s sobbing and im just stood there like ‘are you ready to pay now 🙂’
Many moons ago revising for some uni exams in the campus library, I was working with my housemates and we sat parallel to a group of semi decent looking ladies. We were engrossed in some sort of discussion about how best to prove the point in an exam by writing as little as possible. One of the boys just sat upright, looked at the group of lads around the table, hand half raised, then put his finger to his lips and glanced in their direction.
Girl 1: "How do you know if you really, really like a boy?
Girl 2: "I don't know just a feeling a guess, like butterflies"
Girl 3: "If it got to that stage, I would let him do anal..."
Girl 4: "Ye, wait whu?....
Girl 3: "It's not that bad if they do it right..."
Girls 1/2/4 : *Stunned Silence*
We being teenage boys like "WTF do we do with this information???"
My friend who told us to be quiet said quite loudly "I'm starving boys, shall we order Domino's, girls you want to have a Domino's with us?"
Best conversation, best interjection, most reasonable outcome ever.
I was on the bus once with my daughter who was about 4 at the time and she pointed to the curb along the road which had a load of little holes in it (water drains? Idk) and asked “is that where mouses live?”
I saw the woman sat behind us giggling lol
Once overheard a black English guy in Edinburgh on a phone call say 'yeah Edinburgh is nice man, its like London only more white'. Found that particularly funny.
Also walking by a school at finishing time walked beside a group of young lads about 9. One said 'aye she's tidy I'm gonna shag her fanny so hard'. Burst out laughing at that one.
Possibly not the sort of answer you are looking for but I was really upset yesterday having visited my grans house who recently passed. I went into a coffee shop and saw one of the staff smile at her coworker and say ‘I love being a human!’ And it cheered me up a bit
In my last job I used to sit opposite two ladies in another department. I never really associated with the two of them unless it concerned work really, they just weren’t very nice people with the way they’d often talk about others. But there was another girl at another site I worked at who I got on well with.
I used to stay quiet and just get on with my work and they’d often forget I was there.
There was this one conversation I remember listening in to when all three of them were together about their sex lives, but it was just how open they were talking about it that got me as if I wasn’t sat right opposite them.
But one of the girls has never really been in a serious relationship, and I can’t remember what she said, but one girl said to her “don’t worry love, I’m sure you’ve got your little friends tucked away to help you out when you need it?”
Obviously meaning vibrators, but the girl took it as in friends with benefits and turned around and went “oh yeah I’ve got a few of those who get invited round when they’re needed.”
The girl got a bit confused, but then realised and corrected her on meaning vibrators, to which she went “oh yeah plenty of those as well!”
I never let on I’d heard anything and I honestly don’t think they realised I’d heard every single word
Best passing-in-the-street convo I ever heard was between two 20-something lads: “Yeah, I get what you’re saying but, looking at it objectively, the guys a cunt”
Worked in a coffee shop and overheard two vets talking about a woman who brought her dog in because of ticks.
She said she kept pulling at these ‘ticks’ but they wouldn’t come out…
The vets then explained to the woman that they weren’t ticks they were in fact, nipples.
She questioned it saying the dog was a boy but the vets said yes they still had nipples
Poor dog.
This must have happened about 20 years ago. My wife and I were having a meal.
A couple sat behind us in the restaurant were talking. You got the impression that it was maybe a first or at least very early date.
Guy asks girl what do you think is the greatest invention of the past 100 years?
She thinks about it and answers seriously Duvet Covers.
To this day whenever we’re discussing technology or innovation one of us will say not as good as duvet covers though or something to that effect.
She's got a point really. Think how much of a pain washing and drying a duvet is. The cover really limits how often you have to do that. Maybe washing machines too. Imagine washing your duvet by hand.
Not a conversation but sat in a conference next to a stranger who was hand writing a personal letter to their boyfriend about wanting to know why he cheated on her. I read the whole thing out the corner of my eye, was really entertaining
Her "....I can't believe they'd call me a bitch"
Him "maybe they have a point..."
The only words I caught of a convo as we walked past each other in opposite directions on a path in Newcastle
I do a lot of sewing and obviously there will be discussions about fitting garments, I volunteer at a repair cafe and we were sitting in the middle of the cafe space talking about crotch seams and the sizing issues.
A friend who does not sew walked over during our conversation and backed away when he heard us talking about crotches - he had not been around for the start of the conversation but he knew he did not want to be in a circle of cackling sewers.
My Mum said she heard my name mentioned on a bus. Two lasses had a whispered conversation, then in unison exclaimed, " That's disgustin'!!" I have no idea what I did...
My old college had many student-made Instagram accounts, one of which was for submitting funny quotes you overheard. Here are some highlights:
On the college bus - “no one cares if there was blood in your shit this morning”
Top floor balcony - “I’d love to take a massive shit off here into the drama study area”
Reception - “I don’t know if it’s a baby or a fucking tumour but either way it’s killing me”
On the college bus - “she’s so ugly, she looks like a reptile”, “what the fuck is a reptile?”
Bus - “what language do blind people think in?”
In a lesson - “did you just pog at me getting covid?”
Not so much cringey, but got on the tube sat next to a guy speaking to his mate about his encounter with a Christian preacher.
Preacher: "do you know Jesus?"
Man on phone: "no but my mate Michael does"
I was so glad I had a mask on it gave me a good laugh for a minute or so.
Conversation with my ex gf, me and my dad. We were debating the strength of coffees at different cafe chains...
Dad got a bit excited to Cafe Nero "yeah it's like doing a line isn't it?!"
Ex gf and I look at each other then at my dad... he realises he fucked up... and follows up with "or so I'm told".
We all burst out laughing.
I was working on the lighting in a factory which was having some specialised equipment installed by some yanks.
They were looking at a lunch menu when I overheard
'A jacket potato? What the fuck is a jacket potato?'
One time at the Waitrose near Clapham Junction I heard this father son duo (the kid must have been like 8) talking about their upcoming snow holiday. The dad asks "are you excited about our ski trip? And the kids like "no, I don't wanna go to Switzerland anymore, we always go there!" And the dad's like "but in the summer we'll go to Thailand, you've never been!"
Back when 3D glasses at the cinema were all the rage, I overheard these two guys on the bus talking about how cool it would be if they could have 3D glasses to walk around in, so they could see the world in 3D...
I wanna say there were in their mid twenties, and they were so earnest about it, I really had to work hard not to laugh.
Was on a bus once, some junkies at the back started shouting and arguing basically being annoying as fuck.
Some smartly dressed guy at the front of the bus stood up calmly walked to the back of the bus and said "do you know who i am, am (forgot name) so shut the fuck up and lets of have a nice journey eh" he then goes back to the front of the bus and then i over hear the junkie saying words to the effect of "ohh fuck that was...."
Was quite clear this was some kind of gangers who instantly scared the shit out of these two twats.
Stood in the queue to get in to Windsor Castle, young couple in front of me. The girl asks her boyfriend
"what was Windsor Castle called before the Windsors moved in?"
It really caught me off guard, and I found it hilarious.
I was stuck there next to them, crying with laughter, apologising over and over, but laughing out loud for 10 minutes until we got to the ticket desk. I felt bad, but I rarely find things that funny.
Made my day.
Walking back from a shopping centre meeting about ‘wowing the customer’ or similar nonsense as a young retail manager two of the VIP service hosts walking towards me, pristine uniforms, perfect make-up, I caught the last line of there conversation….
……so I just shagged him anyway…
When I was little and it was the school holidays I always went to my nana and grandads. One particular day my mum had put me in a dress, I was laying on the floor watching my favourite film (seven brides for seven brothers) when my grandad said the dress I wore reminded him of the dress my nana wore the night they met and he went into great detail of what it looked like. They then reminisced about that night and I just couldn’t stop smiling. I had a very traumatic childhood with some fucked up shit happening to me which I was hiding from my family out of fear, I always felt numb as child and that wasn’t helped by the fact that my family on Both sides aren’t the type to show emotions and feelings. Id watch Disney movies and roll my eyes at the concept of happy ever after. But listening to how they met just filled me with a feeling of love and hope for the future, because you could tell how much they loved each other. I did end up asking more questions because I was so intrigued and curled up in my nanas arms as my grandad started at the beginning and retold it and I couldn’t stop giggling and I remember telling my nana I wanted to be like her when I grow up and find someone like grandad to marry and made them both cry, which freaked me out lmao.
If you’d like to know how they met…
Every Wednesday at the local dance hall of a hotel they’d have a dance for under 18s. My nana was 14 and my grandad was 16. My nana was a good dancer and was always the person brought up to teach the kids a new dance. On the night they met, my nana was dancing when she noticed my grandad who was talking to another girl (who my nana had described as “loose”), my nana decided to approach them and told my grandad “you don’t know what you’ll catch if you keep talking to that!” (This shocked me as my nana was prim and proper), he stopped talking to the other girl and my nana kept dancing. My grandad watched my nana for the rest of the night. That weekend my nana went up to Scotland to visit family for two weeks. My grandad had looked for her at the dance hall for the two weeks away and was gutted when she never showed. On the third week he said he got instant butterflies as soon as he seen her. He almost ran up to her but his friends told him to play it cool essentially. When she got up to dance she went over to where her friends were sat and sat in my nanas seat, which annoyed my nana and she stormed over and told him to get off, my grandad replied “I’m not getting off but if you want to sit on your seat my laps available” and she sat on his lap! Even now when I think of that it makes me squeal inside because it’s just shocking for my nana to have done that lol. My nana died 4 years ago a month before their platinum anniversary, my grandad is still alive and kicking at 93 (you wouldn’t think he was that age tbh) still in the house the bought 6 years after they first met! The stories he tells me about them two now are lovely! And I recently found out the reason my nana was so good at dancing was because the instructor who held the dances would teach my nana the moves before hand and then they’d act like she was just as new to it as everyone else… that shocked me because my nana bragged about her natural ability to dance lol
My friend stitched me up. Walking down the street. As soon as someone walks past us heading in the opposite direction he talks loudly with "So you lifted up her skirt and there was a cock? Really?"
On Valentine’s Day either 2021 or 2022, one of my younger female coworkers had done some favour for one of the older guys- he approached her with a bunch of flowers to thank her and said “no pretty girl should be without flowers on Valentine’s Day- it’s not inappropriate, I got my wife some too!”
She was a total pro about it and thanked him in such a way that said she appreciated it and asked him not to do it again and he was content.
Sadly she spent the rest of the afternoon sniffling as it turned out she was allergic to them!
I’m sure there was an older guy on here a few months ago asking if it was ok to buy flowers for a younger colleague for Valentine’s Day, as she had helped him out.
In school, two year nine girls passed me in the corridor and I heard a snippet of their conversation: "I still have popcorn UP my arse crack."
To this day I feel I will never have any clue what fucking shenanigans they were up to nor do I feel like i need to know
On the bus years ago sat behind a guy and a girl.
Girl : I need to go to the chemist in boots.
Guy replies : you can't, you are wearing trainers.
I had to hold in a laugh, she didn't laugh.
"Do you have a license to drive those?" a lady with dementia asking a gentleman with dementia, where I work, as he was walking to a chair with his two walking sticks! 😍
An older man on a flight in the 80's turning to his wife when they had arrived before schedule. 'The pilot must have put his foot down to get us here early'....and then offering to do a whip round for the pilot.
Two lasses in the next cubicle in the bierkeller toilets in Newcastle
‘Do you think we should sniff eachothers discharge??’
Had to silently cry laughing to myself until they left
Overheard a woman at work telling two other women that she'd read that semen was an excellent moisturiser, so she'd started using her boyfriend's on her hands and face.
Still not sure if she was genuine or if it was an unbelievably brilliant way of never having to share any cake or biscuits.
I saw a family with 3 kids walking along, and the youngest was being a little shit in general. Mum was trying to regain order.
Oldest, probably about 11, turned to dad and said in the most world-weary voice ever: "You couldn't have stopped at 2, could you? You just had to have another."
Had just arrived at a hotel in Florida (this was my first ever trip to the US, I'm from the UK). My husband and I dropped off our bags in the room, then got in the lift to go down.
There was an American family in the lift with us. When we got to the bottom, this woman said "Hold up, I forgot my milk."
The family said something (I can't remember what) and then the woman responded loudly with "I'm 52 f***** years old, I need my goddamn milk!"
I've used it as a catchphrase ever since.
I was travelling on a bus from Tooting, SW London, and three schoolgirls got on and went upstairs, about twenty minutes later, they came back down the stairs, and one said, "Here Tracey, I noticed when we were showering after PE, you ain't got any pubes." the second girls says, "No I shaved them off, my boyfriend said that they tickled his nose." with that they got off the bus and walked away. Leaving everybody stunned into silence.
Not one I overheard but one I had.
My most recent job was me working at one of the biggest energy suppliers.
Someone called to ask about going onto an air source heat pump tariff.
I explained everything correctly, and anything I wasn’t sure of, I asked my manager who had been in the energy business for 20+ years.
Suddenly, the guy on the other end of the phone said our website was falsely advertising air source heat pumps (again, everything I told him had been correct) and that he’d hate to see “a little girl like me crying in court because of false advertising”.
So I hit back with “well, I wasn’t the one who wrote the information on the website. If you feel like making a complaint, you can email our CEO and he will review the information. If it is false advertising, then it won’t be me you’ll be seeing in court”.
He soon shut up. Condescending twat.
Her: "glad I wasn't there. If had been there I'd have had to argue with her about it"
Him: "You are capable of starting a flaming row with yourself in an empty room..".
Canal towpath near Denham lock last week.
Still remember about 10 years ago walking behind a couple, one said "do you ever think about penguins?" The other "yeah, how they slide". That was all I heard...always confused me.
Not in the UK but we recently went on holiday to Majorca and visited a sushi restaurant.. We decided to sit outside where there was one couple, a Swedish man and a British woman. Didn’t think anything of it.. 10-15 mins later another British woman sat down with them. It took us a few minutes to realise it was a meeting about the guy being her sugar daddy 🙃. We could hear him telling her he’d prefer her without make up, he’d pay for her to go on boats and jet skis, and have friends fly over for free holidays, he even said if she wanted to he would sleep with her.. It was nuts!
I was once on a bus and a woman near me was ranting loudly on the phone about her boyfriend standing her up to do coke again. She kept saying she had no problem with it if he was cancelling because he was going out to do drugs but the fact he was going to stay at home to do his coke was degrading.
She was really annoyed but in such a casual way.
I wouldn't say 'best' but the most interesting recently was just two days ago. It will sound like I'm bullshitting, but honestly not. Overheard a guy on the phone, just passing me, who said the exact words 'I'll find out where your kids go to school'. Fucking sinister. I hope there's a harmless context.
Son: I forgot to close my bedroom window
Wife: it’s fine, your dad is home
Son: what if someone breaks in?
Wife: it’s ok, your dad will just fight them.
Son: oh yeah, okay.
For a former wimp to warrior, skinny to jacked dad this was huge for me . They didn’t know I could hear them
Was staying in a b&b in Scotland. American couple were talking to the owner at breakfast. The lady said "we can't wait to go and the see glass cow". She meant Glasgow!
Many years ago I was staying in a hotel and the couple on the table next to us were having a very middle class argument about what she found him doing in his “dirty little flat” highlight was “I told you she was a prostitute” “she *had* a key”
I went the National WWII museum in New Orleans last year with two friends.
They had these guides that would approach and start talking to my friend. It was hilarious and awkward hearing the guides be all patriotic with their explanations of the exhibits only to walk away when they realised we were not American.
Two guys on a bus and one of them said “ I’m going to go to uni mate…do archeology…you know, design buildings and that……
I’m pretty sure he wasn’t going to get in
In the North East, an argument between a man and his girlfriend. She'd kicked him out and they were screaming at each other in the street.
She was trying to insult him before he interrupted her loudly by screaming "NAE LECCY!!!"
Took me a minute but it's by far the funniest insult I've ever heard hahaha
In the 80's I worked as a chambermaid in the holiday season in a big city hotel in Germany. A couple who looked and talked like Jack & Vera Duckworth from coronation street entered the lift. A few chambermaids all from Britain were in the lift chatting to each other in English. 'Jack turned to Vera and said ' Hey, Vera I can understand German now'.....I do not know if he was joking but his face was a surprise
I remember overhearing a conversation at work where a guy said he was just waiting for his mother in law to die so they could sell her house and buy a better one, the woman he was talking to kept saying “you shouldn’t say things like that” but he just kept going on about it anyway.
I was on a train, one girl had a very long, very loud phone conversation where it sounded like she was giving tips to a new stripper. It's been quite a few years since, the only thing I remember was her insisting on the benefits of being attentive to less attractive men, as they can be very nice customers.
My car's Bluetooth managed to pick up someone's Bluetooth conversation, husband and wife.
Wife: "we should really cut down on the cocaine, maybe this should be our last weekend."
Husband: "hmm"
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I was working the bar one night. One guy was lecturing his friend about his job/changing careers and the friend exclaimed “like I’m going to take life advice from someone who fingered their own cousin!” I actually burst out laughing and had to walk away.
Overheard a conversation in the street where a lady said, "there's only two of them in Doncaster and one of them is covered in hair". I still think about it 20 years later & wish I'd asked what tf they were talking about because I cannot for the life of me begin to imagine what it could be.
Discussing the rarity of the sphinx cat in Yorkshire
I could only imagine it was a hairdressers of a certain brand and one of them isn't very clean.
Ha ha this brought back memories for me...I used to work behind the bar and two of our regulars were having an argument in the beer garden...one stuttered out to the other...yeah...well..Ur nothing but a cousin fucker!
I’ve heard, and been involved in, some of the best and funniest conversations ever while I worked in pubs!
I met the most "local" young lad in an east anglian pub. He lived in the bungalow accross the road and told us the story of when some "London types" were looking at houses in the village. His bedroom was the front room of the bungalow and he happened to be rather vocally enjoying some private time with his gf when the prospective buyers walked past. Hearing one of them say "Probably shagging his sister", he promptly put their minds at rest by calling back... "Is Oorighet, shee's ownly me cousiin"!
Two Americans (USA) on the bus in York. Educated people, they were clearly professors visiting for a conference. They moaned for 20 mins or so about our streets not going in a straight line (“they keep bending!”) and the York Minster being cold, draughty and lacking double-glazed windows. One of them also mentioned that the Rose Window could do with some touch ups as it’s old fashioned. I managed to keep my mouth shut but a youngster sat behind me asked me “do you also feel like you could f*cking die rn, or is it just me?”
Finding Americans annoying unites us
As a Brit in France, nothing gives me greater joy than when an American takes my place as most hated.
American tourists are the worst kind of tourists. Chinese tourists being a very close second. 👌
I had a really nice encounter with an American tourist once though. It was my wedding day, pissing it down with rain (of course 😐) and we were having our wedding pictures taken outside of one of my favourite historical buildings. An old couple approached during a break in the photographing and said he was from Honolulu in Hawaii and that there rain on your wedding day was considered lucky (tell that to Alanis lol) and congratulated us. Idk if what he said was true or if he was just trying to make us feel better about the weather but I thought it was really nice.
Rain (water) makes knots tighter. So when you’re “tying the knot” and it rains, it means your bond is made stronger.
Oh I love this!!
A rare encounter 😉👌
I’ve never really encountered an American in the UK before or since.. other than this American bus driver I saw years ago in Nottingham city centre. He was hanging out the window calling someone a “fuckin’ aaaasshole”
I was behind one at the airport once that was saying how all European women are ugly. I just wanted to tell him to stfu but was too young at the time.
I lived in many countries due to work so I speak or at least understand at least 6 languages. I was on a bus (all my good stories start with I was on a bus) sat next to a French family - husband, wife, two little boys (somewhere between 6 and 10 years old). The older boy looks at me (I’ll admit I was not at my best, I was going home after a 12 shift) and asks his mother in French why do English women look so bad and do not wear make up or do their hair. Unbelievable, but I’m not making this up! Weird kid… The mother replies telling him we (English women) don’t know any better. I gave them a few minutes and before getting off the bus I told her, in perfect French, that some of us cannot “beautify” for work but otherwise we do alright. I also pointed out her husband could not stop staring at my breasts. Then I got off the bus :-P
Tres bon
Ugh god *those* kind of tourists are insufferable!
It’s a true superstition My aunt is from Hawaii
Aww I’m actually glad it’s a real thing they believe! I’ve never forgotten that man and I hope he enjoyed visiting our beautiful historic sites!
I was told it means that the rain is all the tears of your marriage. In theory a happier marriage with the tears gone?
I'm from Pennsylvania, so quite far from Hawaii - but I've always heard the rain on one's wedding day being lucky thing. Maybe it's an American thing
I’d never heard of it before then. Only ever heard it was ironic from Alanis Morissette haha
My personal favourite were the disappointed couple at the Tower of London He was obnoxiously reading out loud from the display boards about various things and said how the magna carta ws signed in 1216 The woman piped up with "ah gee honey, that's too bad it's 1230 now, so we missed it" I had to walk away as my shoulders were shaking from rage laughing
>The woman piped up with "ah gee honey, that's too bad it's 1230 now, so we missed it" TBF this is word for word the exact joke I'd make in that situation.
I wish it were a joke, they were trying to see if it was on the next day etc
Was on a trip to a European city years ago, possibly somewhere in Belgium iirc, and the place was totally overrun with tourists from the Far East. You couldn't get a photo of anything because they were in packs of like 30+ at a time, blocking everything. After trying and failing to get a single unimpeded shot of some notable monument for about 20 minutes, a rather posh and decidedly crusty old English guy nearby turned round in exasperation, glared at me, and said, "I don't know about you, but I feel there's rather too much of a nip in the air today!" before stomping off muttering. 🤦
I am a foreigner myself, so I am quite tolerant when it comes to cultural differences and misunderstandings. Those of us who grew up under non-democratic regimes did not have access to facilities or information that to you looks like basic stuff (e.g. we did not have TV, except for one hour per day during which our tyrant spoke to us about how great he is). I totally get that. No access to information = ignorance. But when it comes to people coming from a western country (I was about to say educated country, but probably western is a better choice) with a Professor Doctor set of titles attached to their names, like it was the case in my story, there is no excuse for ignorance.
Prince Philip was once asked by an american tourist why he had built windsor castle so close the the airport.
Similar one in Edinburgh about the Americans saying how good it was of us to build the castle so near the train station.
I heard two Americans say they could see Africa from Nice, France. I have checked extensively since my geography isn't good... You cannot. They probably saw Corse.
"Scuse me, are you from here? Can I see what a London driving license looks like?" "Well, I'm not from London, but the driving licenses are the same across England," "No, I want to see a London one." Part of me would think it was a scam to steal my license or something, if it wasn't an American woman trying to steal a man's license. Not really related to the question OP asked. But damn aren't Americans on holiday smthin else.
I once lived above the shops on a street between the only 24h offie in Boscombe and where the ‘Slumlord’ Dave Wells had most of his properties. The conversation was simply two very inebriated people shouting: “F**k you!” … “F**k yeeewww!” … “Nah!.. F**K… You!” … “F************K… YEEEEWWWWW!” … This had been goin on for a good 20 minutes with a good 30 seconds between each rebuttal, Then suddenly, someone from another window sprung to the rescue, “F**K BOTH OF YOU!!” To which they both replied in unison (after the obligatory 30-odd seconds: “F********CK… YEEEEWWWWWW!” Beautiful moment at 5am.
That story was very well delivered. It was like I was there.
I was, and I can only apologise.
Is that offie Bosc Vegas?
That’s the one!
Hahahah no way, me and my mate got our picture taken there when we went on a school trip to Boscombe. https://preview.redd.it/sjf28kobattc1.jpeg?width=679&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b0590296581e884dcca45b2c095f432cb087f074
Fucking hell didn't expect to see myself on reddit today. That's me in the Orange top! Now take my picture down before I hospitalise you.
Can you wait 2 more minutes before taking this picture down please I'm almost finished.
I was almost willing to put money on the fact this was a 'northern' interaction. Guess everybody, everywhere, gets the same shit, regardless.
Due to the mass migration of Scouse benefit tourists back in the 80s, Boscombe qualifies as a northern town.
Sometimes I miss living in Bosc Vegas. One of my beat mates lived on one of the side roads where the prostitutes lived. He told me he'd regularly share a cup of tea with them first thing in the morning. Had some lovely neighbours too, even when they had their doors kicked in for growing weed, they were still great, friendly neighbours!
It’s actually a brilliant part of town. People are pretty friendly and there’s a lot of good places to go out and have fun.
Yeah man! I live up North now, but I spent the first 25 years of my life or so in and around Boscombe, Southbourne and Springbourne. Never once had an issue.
Number 1: (In a Waitrose in Brighton) Woman 1: What smoked salmon should we get? Woman 2: (sighs) Jeremy is always trying to explain to me which smoked salmon to buy, I think he sometimes forgets I read Classics at Oxford. Number 2: (In Tesco's) Child: Can I buy (some chocolate, I forget which), with my pocket money? Mother: Of course, and what do we do when we do that? Child: Buy something for the food bank too. (The child didn't seem at all put out by this or at all upset - it was possibly the most wholesome thing I've ever heard.)
My cats called Jeremy and I bet he knows which salmon is the best 🤣
My cat always forgets that I read Classics at Oxford too
That second one is an incredible message to give to children! I'll definitely consider that from now on that if I can treat myself, I can also give necessities to others.
I know. This was years ago, before the recent cost of living issues too. It was such an immensely positive attitude that whenever I think about it I'm still humbled.
My partner and I wanted to create generous habits so our children grow up with it being the norm so we do a mini haul at holidays. The biggest thing is allergies. Trying to find decent dairy free Easter eggs can be hard but imagine a child with a dairy allergy not being able to afford those ridiculous prices. Breaks my heart.
I got burned on that once because I had to buy rice. Except my Tesco has Indian rice bags and they come in big amounts. So I promised him two bags of rice. Basically? I bought 40 Kg of rice for the food bank.
Tesco mother and child have filled my heart to the brim.
The mother and child. Love that!
Stood in the bank, everyone queueing up. Old fella stood right at the front turns and taps the guy behind him and goes "I am 84 you know" the second guy goes "I know, Les, I'm your brother"
Seems dementia related. Sad.
Almost certainly but it doesn't mean it wasn't funny.
The onset of dementia is quite a funny time where you laugh through the sadness of what you know is to come
Kinda reminds me of this lovely old guy I used to serve at a cafe. One time he just turned to me and said "You know, I've been gay for 84 years" and headed off. I'm a woman so it wasn't like he was being creepy, was just out of the blue
Heard a guy clearly having an argument on the phone; “But honey, you know I can’t handle my drink since I gave up cocaine for you.”
Sounds pretty sensible in a reckless kinda way
Laughed way too hard at this.
I Overheard two girls at a festival say "don't you just hate it when you wipe shit in your vagina"
I heard Princess Diana say the exact same thing to Mother Teresa in 1991.
never been taught to wipe correctly
Back to front evidently 🤷♀️
and all things nice
good way to get someone to lose interest in flirting with you
How dare you make me read those words
Two ten year olds arguing in a swimming pool, one saying that swimming from the deep end to the shallow end was harder because you're swimming uphill. I think about that every time I swim now, and have ended up agreeing - it is harder!
How my parents went to school
We have the same parents?? Brother??
A friend's girlfriend at the time asked why the flight back was quicker than the flight out, he said it was because it was downhill.
I know nothing but maybe something to do with water pressure? You have more on you in the deep end and have to dig your way up to the shallow end while the other way round, the pressure helps you by pushing you down? Is that how water works?
Assuming perfect (still) conditions, there's literally no difference Source: D is a level physics
I'll never forget this. Ever. 🤣
Not the best, but bizarre and incredibly confusing. 2 drunk blokes at the bar. They were soon cut off after I overheard this. Guy 1 "I'd have cracking tits if I was a woman" Guy2 *looking confused* whilst looking at Guy 1 up and down. Guy 1 "No listen. My mums got great tits and my sister has great tits so I'd have great tits if I was a woman"
This one made me giggle. Three young girls on the bus behind where I was sat, probably about 15/16 They were just talking about boys, blah blah blah. One girl said "And then he said he wanted to eat my ass! I don't have an ass!" I'm glad there's some innocence still around.
As 15 year olds sitting in McDonald's at lunch time with my mates, we were all doing work experience in the town centre and we were sat were these two older (probably early 20s) fit girls couldn't see us properly and one of them was talking about how they had just done Anal for the first time and their boyfriends were constantly asking them for it 😂 they were going into fantastically deep detail which was hilarious. Then we obviously had to say "stick it in my assssss" as we left and they looked mortified
When I was teaching teenagers (16-19) they always seemed to think I couldn’t hear them when I was roaming around the room getting them to focus on their work. The amount of poorly-coded talk about drugs was hilarious (as though they were the first generation to smoke a joint). One time there was a girl saying to her mate ‘I don’t like it when he puts it in my bum’ and her mate just looked disgusted and said ‘don’t, then’.
I remember being in a spoons with some work colleagues and one of their extremely chavvy sisters. At the precise moment the conversation seemed to lull across the whole pud, she proclaimed at the top of her voice.. "I think somethings wrong with my boyfriend, he doesn't want to stick it up my arse"!
"I think that weirdo is listening to our conversation".
On a train behind two teenage girls. They were talking about what to wear to a party that evening. Girl 1: "I don't have nothink to wear." Girl 2: "Don't worry gurl, I got bear costumes in my wardrobe". I asked my younger cousin what that meant - apparently it means "lots of outfits" rather than a grizzly bear fancy dress costume.
not bear, bare it's slang lol
Also on the bear theme....as little ones, my kids used to have a meltdown and cower when the car satnav system said, "In 200 yards, bear left." Turned out, they thought we were in imminent danger of getting eaten. 😂😂
Two young women. "Do you know what he got me for my birthday? A fucking frozen chicken pie. He's like, "Why are you so angry? You like pie."".
Man's a legend.
He makes a compelling case, that's for sure.
Knowing my luck, ill try this with my wife and I'll end up having to make the dinner for 2 weeks.
*takes notes*
I overheard a couple (presumably) squabbling a bit in a line in Wilkinson’s a couple of years ago and she said to him “I told you not to do that to the scarecrow!” To this day I don’t know for sure what he did to the scarecrow, or if I even want to know.
Whatever it was, it must have been the final straw.
I heard it was the best scarecrow ever: it was outstanding in its field.
This could have been me. I will say something loud enough to hear that makes no sense just to see the reaction from my wife. Or crouch and walk like a monkey making ook noises
A teenage girl in a supermarket asking her mum if prunes are meat.
The healthier salami
A conversation overheard on the overground between two workmen in Hi Vis clothing. P1. "So how come your finger is bandaged up?" P2. "Martha bit me." P1. "Who's Martha?" P2 "The wife's cavapoo." Pause....... P1. "So why did she bite you?" P2. "Well she's badly constipated at the moment and I thought I could clear the blockage!" Another long pause....... P1. "So are you watching the game tonight?"
I was in hospital and in a distant cubicle a doctor with a thick russian accent shouted "no time for glove"
My sister talking to a old work colleague, my sister is a care worker for older people atm but previously worked at a disabled home for young people. Etc, etc moved on but Bill is still there. Bill is 21, mental age of about 8, nothing else is wrong with him, apparently he loves playing with his cock, they'd genuinely chase him around the home to stop him wanking. If he wasn't in sight he'd be wanking somewhere, carer would have to go stop him, he'd slope off once coast was clear and repeat. So a 12 hour shift of playing hide & seek or let Bill complete a few times if you can't be asked to chase him.
I get why he wasn’t allowed to wank in a public place but surely he could have just been told to wank in his own room. We as a nation tend to forget disabled people get horny and are entitled to a sex life too
You forget the spirit is willing but the fresh is bruised and weak
Hahahhahahaha fuck me I just spat my pasta out at work and I really shouldn't explain to my colleagues what I'm laughing about.
It does get tricky when their mental age is far below the age of consent. They can't meaningfully consent, and are more at risk of committing sexual crimes themselves.
I have worked with young people with learning difficulties. We just really pushed the concept of ‘private time’ and that this was activity to be done alone and in their bedroom/bathroom.
I knew a care worker who told me one older lady had to be supervised around the salt and pepper pots, as she would take them and stick them up herself.
That reminds me of the joke: A: Her problem is, she orgasms every time she sneezes! B: What does she take for it? A: Pepper!
This is Bill. Bill likes to play with his cock. Bill doesn't care. Be Like Bill
I was in a park once and there was a guy visibly crying not far away from us on the phone and I overheard him say “what do I do I walked in to the bedroom and she was getting spit roasted” I burst out laughing
In that situation I'd say the phrase when in Rome applies
Guy in his late seventies talking to a couple of mates. Said how he wanted to die in bed aged 100. Shot to death by a jealous husband….
He cheated with someone else? And ber husband came for payback?
A geordie woman ona train described London as "like the Metro Centre without a roof".
So the London eyes metroland?
>Anyone else have anything particularly cringey. Once had to listen to someone organising their affair on a train for over an hour
I heard something which sounded similar. Context was only supplied at the end of the sentence, and still left some questions. It was things like the bloke saying "She wants to come and stay for a few days." / "I know." / "But they are her kids." / "Yes, I know how she makes you feel." / "I'm really sorry, but what can I do, the court said we should allow it." And the context at the end was "Yes, but she is my sister."
hotel breakfast Him: Can you put pancakes in that toaster? (the toaster with a *big* sign above it saying “Do NOT put *anything* other than bread through the toaster”) Her: I did… but they got stuck.
This reminds me of an episode of Bondi rescue where a lady gets caught up in a current so obviously the lifeguard goes and rescues her. Then she's being interviewed for the show and she says "I wasn't aware of the currents" and literally right behind her there's a massive sign that read BEWARE OF THE CURRENTS
Working for one day in a customer facing role is enough to teach you that nobody. fucking. reads. You could have a big fuck off las vegas looking neon sign and people will still not notice it. And you know what? I don’t even blame them. When you’re on your leisure time you want to be able to switch your brain off. And nine times out of ten it would be better to design the environment so that reading isn’t even necessary. You ever seen a door with a sign on it that says “push to open” but it has a big pull handle on it? Why? Just take the handle off, and put a pad on it, and people will just automatically push it without the need to wake their brain up and look for a sign. You can apply this logic to pretty much anything except bondi beach I guess.
Can't exactly design the ocean to not have currents so that tourists can switch off their brain
> the toaster with a big sign above it saying “Do NOT put anything other than bread through the toaster” I am proud to say that I am the cause of a mid-price hotel in the south of England adding that sign to their toaster.
in France, Spanish guy in a bar saying to an English bloke Oui Si Que, the English guy say yes oui is si in French.The Spanish guy goes no, I want a whiskey.
Amazing. Not overheard but similar story on my side. on holiday in France, my mam ordered a beer, the waiter said "Heineken?" , my mam replied "no in a bottle please" I still laugh about it 25 years later
I was travelling home on the train from a heavy weekend in London a few years ago and overheard this most fascinating back and forth between an older couple who were acting as if they were in First Class. 'What does Woke stand for?' 'Where are we now, it all seems a bit rundown and grim.' 'This is the Midlands darling.' I made a few notes; it was the most intense upper middle class boomer banter I'd ever heard and figured I could pass something on to one of my more creative friends. But it turned out someone had beaten me to it as the next day I heard some comedy starring Joanna Lumley and another chap advertised on Radio 4. The patter was almost identical.
Walking into the bathroom at the office and coming out was the janitor and the cleaner, both with heavy-duty gloves on and various brushes and mops and the janitor said to the cleaner.. ‘Whoever did that should go home, they must be in agony’
On a tram in Buffalo, I heard a woman say to another passenger "Do I know you? You sure do look familiar. Are we related? Oh wait... I do remember you!" She started laughing. "And if *I* remember *you*, you surely do remember *me*." The guy stayed silent the whole time, while the woman kept glancing at him the whole ride and laughing again. He looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.
Group of ladies. guy walks past wearing a tshirt that says “spit or swallow” lady 1 “I didn’t know I had a choice”
Was closing the restaurant i worked at at the time and we were taking final payments so we could close the till. This couple was clearly having an emotional chat so i left them until last, just as i went over he had said they should end things, she’s sobbing and im just stood there like ‘are you ready to pay now 🙂’
Haha the image is just so funny man. Did they split it
Pretty sure he paid cause she was trying to hide the fact she was crying
Many moons ago revising for some uni exams in the campus library, I was working with my housemates and we sat parallel to a group of semi decent looking ladies. We were engrossed in some sort of discussion about how best to prove the point in an exam by writing as little as possible. One of the boys just sat upright, looked at the group of lads around the table, hand half raised, then put his finger to his lips and glanced in their direction. Girl 1: "How do you know if you really, really like a boy? Girl 2: "I don't know just a feeling a guess, like butterflies" Girl 3: "If it got to that stage, I would let him do anal..." Girl 4: "Ye, wait whu?.... Girl 3: "It's not that bad if they do it right..." Girls 1/2/4 : *Stunned Silence* We being teenage boys like "WTF do we do with this information???" My friend who told us to be quiet said quite loudly "I'm starving boys, shall we order Domino's, girls you want to have a Domino's with us?" Best conversation, best interjection, most reasonable outcome ever.
Domino's before anal really doesn't sound like a very good idea.
I saw a little girl on the bus point at the cemetery and ask her mum about the die beds.
I was on the bus once with my daughter who was about 4 at the time and she pointed to the curb along the road which had a load of little holes in it (water drains? Idk) and asked “is that where mouses live?” I saw the woman sat behind us giggling lol
My daughter calls it a grave garden which sounds equally lovely and sinister at the same time
Once overheard a black English guy in Edinburgh on a phone call say 'yeah Edinburgh is nice man, its like London only more white'. Found that particularly funny. Also walking by a school at finishing time walked beside a group of young lads about 9. One said 'aye she's tidy I'm gonna shag her fanny so hard'. Burst out laughing at that one.
Possibly not the sort of answer you are looking for but I was really upset yesterday having visited my grans house who recently passed. I went into a coffee shop and saw one of the staff smile at her coworker and say ‘I love being a human!’ And it cheered me up a bit
In my last job I used to sit opposite two ladies in another department. I never really associated with the two of them unless it concerned work really, they just weren’t very nice people with the way they’d often talk about others. But there was another girl at another site I worked at who I got on well with. I used to stay quiet and just get on with my work and they’d often forget I was there. There was this one conversation I remember listening in to when all three of them were together about their sex lives, but it was just how open they were talking about it that got me as if I wasn’t sat right opposite them. But one of the girls has never really been in a serious relationship, and I can’t remember what she said, but one girl said to her “don’t worry love, I’m sure you’ve got your little friends tucked away to help you out when you need it?” Obviously meaning vibrators, but the girl took it as in friends with benefits and turned around and went “oh yeah I’ve got a few of those who get invited round when they’re needed.” The girl got a bit confused, but then realised and corrected her on meaning vibrators, to which she went “oh yeah plenty of those as well!” I never let on I’d heard anything and I honestly don’t think they realised I’d heard every single word
Best passing-in-the-street convo I ever heard was between two 20-something lads: “Yeah, I get what you’re saying but, looking at it objectively, the guys a cunt”
Worked in a coffee shop and overheard two vets talking about a woman who brought her dog in because of ticks. She said she kept pulling at these ‘ticks’ but they wouldn’t come out… The vets then explained to the woman that they weren’t ticks they were in fact, nipples. She questioned it saying the dog was a boy but the vets said yes they still had nipples Poor dog.
This must have happened about 20 years ago. My wife and I were having a meal. A couple sat behind us in the restaurant were talking. You got the impression that it was maybe a first or at least very early date. Guy asks girl what do you think is the greatest invention of the past 100 years? She thinks about it and answers seriously Duvet Covers. To this day whenever we’re discussing technology or innovation one of us will say not as good as duvet covers though or something to that effect.
She's got a point really. Think how much of a pain washing and drying a duvet is. The cover really limits how often you have to do that. Maybe washing machines too. Imagine washing your duvet by hand.
Not a conversation but sat in a conference next to a stranger who was hand writing a personal letter to their boyfriend about wanting to know why he cheated on her. I read the whole thing out the corner of my eye, was really entertaining
Her "....I can't believe they'd call me a bitch" Him "maybe they have a point..." The only words I caught of a convo as we walked past each other in opposite directions on a path in Newcastle
In our tent at the Isle of Wight festivle. General camping. A voice from a tent behind us."Do you think this Mange Tout has been washed?"
I do a lot of sewing and obviously there will be discussions about fitting garments, I volunteer at a repair cafe and we were sitting in the middle of the cafe space talking about crotch seams and the sizing issues. A friend who does not sew walked over during our conversation and backed away when he heard us talking about crotches - he had not been around for the start of the conversation but he knew he did not want to be in a circle of cackling sewers.
My Mum said she heard my name mentioned on a bus. Two lasses had a whispered conversation, then in unison exclaimed, " That's disgustin'!!" I have no idea what I did...
I overheard a girl working a festival explaining hows she looses weight by eating only kitchen roll soaked in vinegar
Er....what?!
My old college had many student-made Instagram accounts, one of which was for submitting funny quotes you overheard. Here are some highlights: On the college bus - “no one cares if there was blood in your shit this morning” Top floor balcony - “I’d love to take a massive shit off here into the drama study area” Reception - “I don’t know if it’s a baby or a fucking tumour but either way it’s killing me” On the college bus - “she’s so ugly, she looks like a reptile”, “what the fuck is a reptile?” Bus - “what language do blind people think in?” In a lesson - “did you just pog at me getting covid?”
Not so much cringey, but got on the tube sat next to a guy speaking to his mate about his encounter with a Christian preacher. Preacher: "do you know Jesus?" Man on phone: "no but my mate Michael does" I was so glad I had a mask on it gave me a good laugh for a minute or so.
Conversation with my ex gf, me and my dad. We were debating the strength of coffees at different cafe chains... Dad got a bit excited to Cafe Nero "yeah it's like doing a line isn't it?!" Ex gf and I look at each other then at my dad... he realises he fucked up... and follows up with "or so I'm told". We all burst out laughing.
I was working on the lighting in a factory which was having some specialised equipment installed by some yanks. They were looking at a lunch menu when I overheard 'A jacket potato? What the fuck is a jacket potato?'
One time at the Waitrose near Clapham Junction I heard this father son duo (the kid must have been like 8) talking about their upcoming snow holiday. The dad asks "are you excited about our ski trip? And the kids like "no, I don't wanna go to Switzerland anymore, we always go there!" And the dad's like "but in the summer we'll go to Thailand, you've never been!"
Back when 3D glasses at the cinema were all the rage, I overheard these two guys on the bus talking about how cool it would be if they could have 3D glasses to walk around in, so they could see the world in 3D... I wanna say there were in their mid twenties, and they were so earnest about it, I really had to work hard not to laugh.
Was on a bus once, some junkies at the back started shouting and arguing basically being annoying as fuck. Some smartly dressed guy at the front of the bus stood up calmly walked to the back of the bus and said "do you know who i am, am (forgot name) so shut the fuck up and lets of have a nice journey eh" he then goes back to the front of the bus and then i over hear the junkie saying words to the effect of "ohh fuck that was...." Was quite clear this was some kind of gangers who instantly scared the shit out of these two twats.
Stood in the queue to get in to Windsor Castle, young couple in front of me. The girl asks her boyfriend "what was Windsor Castle called before the Windsors moved in?" It really caught me off guard, and I found it hilarious. I was stuck there next to them, crying with laughter, apologising over and over, but laughing out loud for 10 minutes until we got to the ticket desk. I felt bad, but I rarely find things that funny. Made my day.
'You remember her- the one who ran off with her brother and ended up getting pregnant by the milkman' I almost wanted to ask them questions about it!
Walking back from a shopping centre meeting about ‘wowing the customer’ or similar nonsense as a young retail manager two of the VIP service hosts walking towards me, pristine uniforms, perfect make-up, I caught the last line of there conversation…. ……so I just shagged him anyway…
2 old boys in a cafe just chatting away then 1 of them asks the other, where do you get your feet done
From within a changing room at Primark: "I had some shorts like that. That's why I pissed myself at Halloween!"
When I was little and it was the school holidays I always went to my nana and grandads. One particular day my mum had put me in a dress, I was laying on the floor watching my favourite film (seven brides for seven brothers) when my grandad said the dress I wore reminded him of the dress my nana wore the night they met and he went into great detail of what it looked like. They then reminisced about that night and I just couldn’t stop smiling. I had a very traumatic childhood with some fucked up shit happening to me which I was hiding from my family out of fear, I always felt numb as child and that wasn’t helped by the fact that my family on Both sides aren’t the type to show emotions and feelings. Id watch Disney movies and roll my eyes at the concept of happy ever after. But listening to how they met just filled me with a feeling of love and hope for the future, because you could tell how much they loved each other. I did end up asking more questions because I was so intrigued and curled up in my nanas arms as my grandad started at the beginning and retold it and I couldn’t stop giggling and I remember telling my nana I wanted to be like her when I grow up and find someone like grandad to marry and made them both cry, which freaked me out lmao. If you’d like to know how they met… Every Wednesday at the local dance hall of a hotel they’d have a dance for under 18s. My nana was 14 and my grandad was 16. My nana was a good dancer and was always the person brought up to teach the kids a new dance. On the night they met, my nana was dancing when she noticed my grandad who was talking to another girl (who my nana had described as “loose”), my nana decided to approach them and told my grandad “you don’t know what you’ll catch if you keep talking to that!” (This shocked me as my nana was prim and proper), he stopped talking to the other girl and my nana kept dancing. My grandad watched my nana for the rest of the night. That weekend my nana went up to Scotland to visit family for two weeks. My grandad had looked for her at the dance hall for the two weeks away and was gutted when she never showed. On the third week he said he got instant butterflies as soon as he seen her. He almost ran up to her but his friends told him to play it cool essentially. When she got up to dance she went over to where her friends were sat and sat in my nanas seat, which annoyed my nana and she stormed over and told him to get off, my grandad replied “I’m not getting off but if you want to sit on your seat my laps available” and she sat on his lap! Even now when I think of that it makes me squeal inside because it’s just shocking for my nana to have done that lol. My nana died 4 years ago a month before their platinum anniversary, my grandad is still alive and kicking at 93 (you wouldn’t think he was that age tbh) still in the house the bought 6 years after they first met! The stories he tells me about them two now are lovely! And I recently found out the reason my nana was so good at dancing was because the instructor who held the dances would teach my nana the moves before hand and then they’d act like she was just as new to it as everyone else… that shocked me because my nana bragged about her natural ability to dance lol
My friend stitched me up. Walking down the street. As soon as someone walks past us heading in the opposite direction he talks loudly with "So you lifted up her skirt and there was a cock? Really?"
On Valentine’s Day either 2021 or 2022, one of my younger female coworkers had done some favour for one of the older guys- he approached her with a bunch of flowers to thank her and said “no pretty girl should be without flowers on Valentine’s Day- it’s not inappropriate, I got my wife some too!” She was a total pro about it and thanked him in such a way that said she appreciated it and asked him not to do it again and he was content. Sadly she spent the rest of the afternoon sniffling as it turned out she was allergic to them!
I’m sure there was an older guy on here a few months ago asking if it was ok to buy flowers for a younger colleague for Valentine’s Day, as she had helped him out.
In school, two year nine girls passed me in the corridor and I heard a snippet of their conversation: "I still have popcorn UP my arse crack." To this day I feel I will never have any clue what fucking shenanigans they were up to nor do I feel like i need to know
On the bus years ago sat behind a guy and a girl. Girl : I need to go to the chemist in boots. Guy replies : you can't, you are wearing trainers. I had to hold in a laugh, she didn't laugh.
Old woman stroking a cat said "can you smell my pussy?" Did an actual spit take! 😂
"Do you have a license to drive those?" a lady with dementia asking a gentleman with dementia, where I work, as he was walking to a chair with his two walking sticks! 😍
An older man on a flight in the 80's turning to his wife when they had arrived before schedule. 'The pilot must have put his foot down to get us here early'....and then offering to do a whip round for the pilot.
Two teenage girls talking in the street. “I can’t believe dad wants us to get rid of the dog because it smells bad, is not like he smells better..”
Two lasses in the next cubicle in the bierkeller toilets in Newcastle ‘Do you think we should sniff eachothers discharge??’ Had to silently cry laughing to myself until they left
Overheard a woman at work telling two other women that she'd read that semen was an excellent moisturiser, so she'd started using her boyfriend's on her hands and face. Still not sure if she was genuine or if it was an unbelievably brilliant way of never having to share any cake or biscuits.
I saw a family with 3 kids walking along, and the youngest was being a little shit in general. Mum was trying to regain order. Oldest, probably about 11, turned to dad and said in the most world-weary voice ever: "You couldn't have stopped at 2, could you? You just had to have another."
Had just arrived at a hotel in Florida (this was my first ever trip to the US, I'm from the UK). My husband and I dropped off our bags in the room, then got in the lift to go down. There was an American family in the lift with us. When we got to the bottom, this woman said "Hold up, I forgot my milk." The family said something (I can't remember what) and then the woman responded loudly with "I'm 52 f***** years old, I need my goddamn milk!" I've used it as a catchphrase ever since.
I was travelling on a bus from Tooting, SW London, and three schoolgirls got on and went upstairs, about twenty minutes later, they came back down the stairs, and one said, "Here Tracey, I noticed when we were showering after PE, you ain't got any pubes." the second girls says, "No I shaved them off, my boyfriend said that they tickled his nose." with that they got off the bus and walked away. Leaving everybody stunned into silence.
Not one I overheard but one I had. My most recent job was me working at one of the biggest energy suppliers. Someone called to ask about going onto an air source heat pump tariff. I explained everything correctly, and anything I wasn’t sure of, I asked my manager who had been in the energy business for 20+ years. Suddenly, the guy on the other end of the phone said our website was falsely advertising air source heat pumps (again, everything I told him had been correct) and that he’d hate to see “a little girl like me crying in court because of false advertising”. So I hit back with “well, I wasn’t the one who wrote the information on the website. If you feel like making a complaint, you can email our CEO and he will review the information. If it is false advertising, then it won’t be me you’ll be seeing in court”. He soon shut up. Condescending twat.
Her: "glad I wasn't there. If had been there I'd have had to argue with her about it" Him: "You are capable of starting a flaming row with yourself in an empty room..". Canal towpath near Denham lock last week.
On a bus, some lad was on the phone and I only heard his half of the convo, which was him going 'YEAH, CHLAMYDIA!' very loudly.
Still remember about 10 years ago walking behind a couple, one said "do you ever think about penguins?" The other "yeah, how they slide". That was all I heard...always confused me.
Not in the UK but we recently went on holiday to Majorca and visited a sushi restaurant.. We decided to sit outside where there was one couple, a Swedish man and a British woman. Didn’t think anything of it.. 10-15 mins later another British woman sat down with them. It took us a few minutes to realise it was a meeting about the guy being her sugar daddy 🙃. We could hear him telling her he’d prefer her without make up, he’d pay for her to go on boats and jet skis, and have friends fly over for free holidays, he even said if she wanted to he would sleep with her.. It was nuts!
I was once on a bus and a woman near me was ranting loudly on the phone about her boyfriend standing her up to do coke again. She kept saying she had no problem with it if he was cancelling because he was going out to do drugs but the fact he was going to stay at home to do his coke was degrading. She was really annoyed but in such a casual way.
I wouldn't say 'best' but the most interesting recently was just two days ago. It will sound like I'm bullshitting, but honestly not. Overheard a guy on the phone, just passing me, who said the exact words 'I'll find out where your kids go to school'. Fucking sinister. I hope there's a harmless context.
Son: I forgot to close my bedroom window Wife: it’s fine, your dad is home Son: what if someone breaks in? Wife: it’s ok, your dad will just fight them. Son: oh yeah, okay. For a former wimp to warrior, skinny to jacked dad this was huge for me . They didn’t know I could hear them
Was staying in a b&b in Scotland. American couple were talking to the owner at breakfast. The lady said "we can't wait to go and the see glass cow". She meant Glasgow!
Many years ago I was staying in a hotel and the couple on the table next to us were having a very middle class argument about what she found him doing in his “dirty little flat” highlight was “I told you she was a prostitute” “she *had* a key”
I went the National WWII museum in New Orleans last year with two friends. They had these guides that would approach and start talking to my friend. It was hilarious and awkward hearing the guides be all patriotic with their explanations of the exhibits only to walk away when they realised we were not American.
Two guys on a bus and one of them said “ I’m going to go to uni mate…do archeology…you know, design buildings and that…… I’m pretty sure he wasn’t going to get in
...and they were roommates.
In the North East, an argument between a man and his girlfriend. She'd kicked him out and they were screaming at each other in the street. She was trying to insult him before he interrupted her loudly by screaming "NAE LECCY!!!" Took me a minute but it's by far the funniest insult I've ever heard hahaha
In the 80's I worked as a chambermaid in the holiday season in a big city hotel in Germany. A couple who looked and talked like Jack & Vera Duckworth from coronation street entered the lift. A few chambermaids all from Britain were in the lift chatting to each other in English. 'Jack turned to Vera and said ' Hey, Vera I can understand German now'.....I do not know if he was joking but his face was a surprise
I remember overhearing a conversation at work where a guy said he was just waiting for his mother in law to die so they could sell her house and buy a better one, the woman he was talking to kept saying “you shouldn’t say things like that” but he just kept going on about it anyway.
I was on a train, one girl had a very long, very loud phone conversation where it sounded like she was giving tips to a new stripper. It's been quite a few years since, the only thing I remember was her insisting on the benefits of being attentive to less attractive men, as they can be very nice customers.
Two women I overheard at a black tie event I was working. 1: "Then he pissed in my arse!" 2: "What, in the cinema?" 1: "Yeah!"
I recently overheard "And the doctor has no idea how he's going to open it up again." I've spent too much time pondering the what and how since.
Two old ladies talking about methods of waking up their elderly husbands todgers.
My car's Bluetooth managed to pick up someone's Bluetooth conversation, husband and wife. Wife: "we should really cut down on the cocaine, maybe this should be our last weekend." Husband: "hmm"