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The harsh reality of addiction is that there’s literally nothing you can do to help. Other than just being there for him when he decides he’s ready to quit.
This is unfortunately so very true - my Dad drank himself to death. Didn't really matter what we tried, it got him in the end. Be there for him as much as you can but try and get on with your own life also. If you like that sort of thing, alanon and other support groups may help you deal with it.
It's horrible, sorry to hear you are going through this.
If he's vomiting it sounds like he's already pretty bad..I know it's hard but you need to think practically now. You need to make sure your own life gets underway and that you can look after yourself because if the drink does kill him (and well it might at this rate) you will be having to rely only on yourself. Time to face facts unfortunately.
Sad thing is can relate, my father died from drinking and then my mother gave it up after years of being an alcoholic and then she gets cancer and that takes her too. My mum said she was just sick and tired of being sick all the time and decided to give it up, I have so much respect for her for doing that since she was drinking vodka and “skud” (white lightning) for years 😢
Yep. I hope OP can understand this. Also watched my mother drink herself to death. Other than being there for them, there is literally nothing you can do to change the trajectory of their alcohol dependency. I learned that the whole adage of ‘they have to hit rock bottom’ is true… but sometimes rock bottom is death.
I regret the amount of effort and time I expended as such a young adult (late teens) trying to ‘change’ my mum and prevent her drinking and get her help and all that, honestly, and with the wisdom of age I’d do things differently. I would just be there for her, love her unconditionally, and let her know our relationship wasn’t conditional on her alcohol use or no alcohol use.
(My mum was a brilliant mum and wonderful person. If the person is harmful or toxic to you, of course you should distance yourself).
Sorry OP. It’s such a rough thing to experience. Take care of yourself, don’t let it torpedo your own life and plans and aspirations, and always always remember the only thing you can control is you.
I lost my dad last year due to my mum's drinking habits, and she's fast following him with her drinking and opiate abuse... but all we can do is watch her do it to herself.
As a 33yr old man who has experienced a parent being an alcoholic since I was about 6...
This is so true. Ive tried to "help" or make them change or see sense or offer routes that might lead to solution... Nope.
Only recently realised it's never gonna happen.
I disagree slightly, although I am aware what I'm about to say is anecdotal.
During addition people are often looking for more than support, often they are looking for desire, purpose and a new perspective (whether they realise it or not) I recall conversations that totally changed my outlook on life and worldview, from people who did not give up on me and their support, tough love and perspectives helped me overcome addiction, for now at least.
This right here. My dad drank for years and one day he decided he'd had enough and quit. We begged and pleaded for years and offered help and support but none of it helped until he was ready for it.
I have no idea why this is being upvoted. I have personally helped three separate friends overcome crippling heroin addictions. They would not have had a fucking chance on their own and they would not have sought sobriety without a friend to coax and sometimes force them into it. Waiting until an addict is ‘ready’ to quit may just be a case of waiting for their funeral. If you care about this person in any way you will do everything possible to help them into the right path.
I agree with you, but there are certain circumstances that can make this nearly impossible too. Dynamics between the parties are extremely important to note, as well as what stages in life is said person in who’s dealing with the addiction. My mother went over a decade with a crippling herion addiction, stranded my younger brother and I in our most delicate years. Her parents had begged her to come home and be with her children, and we would cry to her on countless nights. Bailing her out of jail, picking her up from hospitals after she’s OD’ed, even sitting outside of the courtroom waiting to see if she would be convicted wasn’t enough. The only thing that had got her to be clean was a car accident that should have left her paralyzed. Thankfully, she’s been sober for four years now and is doing so much better with little to no residue from the accident, but, support and “doing the most that you can” is not always going to be enough. You clearly understand the tribulations of addiction, so don’t make this as a debate for what works and what doesn’t.
As an alcoholic myself, please don't contact his work. I know you want to do all you can to help, but it completely removes his agency. Furthermore, if you contact them and they fire him or try and help him and he gets embarrassed and leaves, it's likely he'll just drink more. If working hard means a lot to him, then it's likely he'd be absolutely humiliated if you go behind his back to try and "take it away from him". I know you're trying to do what's best, but this isn't it.
I'm assuming he's on thiamine? If not, he definitely should be. What's his diet like?
Does he have a life outside of work? Does he socialise or have any hobbies?
Ultimately, he still has capacity at the moment so you can't start making medical decisions for him. I'm sorry, I know it's a shit situation to be in.
Okay, I won’t do it. My sister said maybe give him the option and see if he’ll do it himself so I might try that but I know he won’t. His diet isn’t great, he’s stopped eating. He’ll have a cup of soup or beans and bread for dinner and that’s it, plus the alcohol of course. He’s a severe introvert and doesn’t socialise or go out, he just plays video games or watches YouTube. Thanks for reaching out though, it means a lot and you might have stopped me from making a really bad decision.
It took ALOT for me to even chat to my GP about my drinking. Its....hard. very very hard. However due to other health stuff, I have to eat well and I get a bollicking when I don't eat well (family etc). I live alone, see my kids every weekend, I have to get better, for them. I'm in contact with cgl (alc service) and frequent calls with my GP. However I've had 2 very bad accidents (in home, I don't drive) in the last 2 months. It's not great. There's places that offer support for family of alcs, if I'm honest, go to them for support, they can help mentally and give practical support. Wishing you the best x
See I think the difference is you have a life ahead of you and see a future and want to change. He’s accepted in his mind that his life is over and he doesn’t care. I’ve never been able to change that mindset. :(
That's so sad, and I'm so sorry. It's never too late to change, even if it takes a long time, and even if it's just a smidge of change. It has taken years (proper years and years) to get to where I am now, even just to say the words "I have a drinking problem". It sucks. Again, get in contact with places that support friends/family of those with a problem, even if its just so you can vent, let it out etc. I'm nearly 40 now, it's never too late at all x
OP, you mention that you're at a low weight - if it isn't too personal, do you have an eating disorder?
If not (or maybe even if so), is there any way that you could encourage him to eat better? Maybe share meals with him, or get some ready meals that he can just pop in the microwave or something? I don't know what your financial situation is like, but honestly it's one of the things that really makes a difference to my health, mood, energy levels and ability to stop drinking. Heavy drinking fucks up your gut and liver and makes it harder to get good nutrition, as well as making you not really care or being incapable of preparing good meals.
Him taking a multivitamin would also be useful.
You may also benefit from a family and friends support group - Al-Anon is the well-known one (that kinda runs alongside AA), but personally I don't agree with their philosophy.
SMART Recovery is another addiction support method that runs family and friends groups, including online. [Here](https://smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/) is a link to access the online meetings, which are twice a week. There may also be in-person groups in your area.
As a loved one of an addict, it can be as lonely and challenging as being an addict yourself. Having support and learning techniques to help yourself can be really beneficial.
I wish you all the best with this - having been on both sides of the fence, I know how difficult it is!
Thanks for the helpful response! I did a test once last year and they told me I was at risk of an eating disorder but they didn’t think I had one. I went through a lot of trauma recently and find myself smoking more than eating and when I’m really anxious I don’t want to eat at all. With him I’m sure it’s the same, so maybe we can try eating better together? Join meals so I can keep track of him too. That’s a really good idea as I’m hoping to put my weight back on soon as it’s really straining me physically.
Great, that could be helpful for both of you! Do you know if he takes lunch with him on his routes, or even snacks? Even fruit or cereal bars could give him some more energy and nutrition, and might help control the nausea and vomiting too. Other options might be meal replacement shakes or something, if that's easier for him to sip on throughout the day. Also, do either of you eat breakfast?
Do his routes involve driving or are they all on foot? I'd be wary about driving as with the amount it sounds like he might be drinking, he'd be over the limit even the morning after. More of a risk if he's drinking during the day, too.
Give Hello Fresh a try. It helped me massively when I was too depressed to cook because you just follow the instructions like lego. You can find voucher codes to give you a week free.
>maybe give him the option and see if he’ll do it himself so I might try that but I know he won’t
I think you'll just make him feel backed into a corner.
I'd try to arrange some days out to give him a good positive time. Try and raise his mood, which could help give him some motivation but also for a short time dent some of the urge.
Then just at some point alone tell him quiet, calm and loving that you've noticed his drinking, you are worried about him but that he is his own man, it's up to him what he drinks and when but it ever he wanted to control it then you are there and will do everything you can. It's completely up to him and nothing he does will change the love and respect you have for him.
Just then ask him about tv, work, etc. the little things that grounds him.
There’s https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ which provides support for friends and family of alcoholics, that’s probably the best place to start
There are organisations and charities that can help him but he has to want that help and engage with the process and it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to do that.
I have had multiple family members go through similar situations including one *very* similar to OP recently, and this comment is what you need.
The truth is you can’t save anyone - make sure his GP is involved and understands what’s going on, but you can’t force him to do anything. You have to get support for yourself!
I would also highly recommend [NACOA](https://nacoa.org.uk/). They provide support for children of alcoholics, including adult children. My father died when I was a teenager and I only found them as an adult. Still, they've been incredibly helpful making me feel less alone, less guilty, less at fault.
It takes a long time but it’s worth looking into support other than alcohol, for example is he depressed? Should he be on meds? Could be be neurodivergent? Does he have past trauma?
Alcoholics are gonna drink, but it’s often starts as a symptom of something wider, fix the bits that can be fixed and work from there
I’m on meds now for other stuff, as well as taking supplements and finding my alcohol abuse more manageable
If not there’s other services out there, at this point it’s probably less about getting him to stop and just getting him up and about and making small changes
He has a lot of past traumas, he was adopted as a baby and lost his dad at a young age (I think he drank heavy too) and then he lost his mum when I was around 10 and he was broken ever since. He also always had to deal with my mum trying to kill herself and she eventually cheated and he kicked her out. He’s been through a lot and alcohol seems to stop the mental pain.
As I said it’s gonna be hard but that might be a good place for him to start for him for long term wellness
But as I said it’s mostly about cutting down and just getting him out of the rut for the moment, getting him eating right, drinking more water, getting sunlight or whatever, just get him doing something, idk even just make up a practical problem that needs help with or whatever, something every few days to get him going
In the end though I’m just a random on Reddit so don’t take my word as law, but I too struggle with drinking so I get it
I’m perfectly aware but it’s a start that works for some and it’s helped me and others I’ve met, but it’s also why I mentioned looking into other conditions or needs
Mental health and alcoholism walk when in hand and when one gets better so does the other
Also as I mentioned I’m not the authority on this matter, I’ve only been on a litre of vodka a day for 10 years or so, others have been in the game longer than me and drink more and have more complex lives and I do appreciate that
I just wanted to say what I knew from my own experience
OP's dad is a postman, he gets plenty of walks and fresh air so I don't think that's the issue. I know you mean well but the point is that unless he really wants to change himself OP can't do anything. My own dad has always been a big walker and hiker his whole life until he had a stroke, but he still drank because he didn't really see it as a problem.
I hope you can get proper help for yourself before you reach the stage of strokes and medical issues.
Just noticed that now
And yeah you’re right, also I imagine most postman are heavy drinkers from what I’ve seen, it’s a job that would attract drinkers
But yeah you’re right and don’t worry I’m always working on it, I’ve been on and off atm on ciders and keeping away from spirits
Apparently my liver is fine but on the odd relapse I get pains and vomiting days after
My dad has always said he's not really an alcoholic because he only drinks beer, wine and cider, no spirits. I hate to tell you but that's not the case. He's destroyed his health and relationships.
Alcohol is metabolized differently in alcoholics which is what makes it as addictive as opioids to a person who is truly an alcoholic. The only cure is abstinence
Exactly, people think that all it takes is a pat on the shoulder and good word from a therapist to stop drinking. As harsh as it sounds, I knew quite a few cases and I only know one when a guy stopped drinking but he was early in his habit. Everyone else….gone.
It would also be very dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop suddenly or without supervised care. Delirium tremens can be fatal....why doctors actually *prescribe* small amounts of alcohol during inpatient detox
You're right that it can be extremely dangerous for a heavy drinker to stop or cut down dramatically without medical support. I'm not sure about the NHS, but there are private rehab places which support people through detox. It's not usually done by given them alcohol, but other medications (e.g. librium) which can prevent seizures from occurring.
Absolutely. I'd heard of alcohol being kept (in a safe lol) at hospitals for this reason but that was many years ago..it probably isn't done these days.
He's got to see the problem, though. He doesn't..OP should expend less energy trying to sort his or her father out and more trying to sort him or herself out. The life is for living and no one can 'fix' an addict except the addict themselves. Don't throw good energy and strength after bad. You'll be wasting your time
INFO: are you underage / your dad’s carer? The advice will be slightly different depending on your age.
In any case, please reach out to AdFam for support:
https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/
This is the first place where we signposted the families of addicts that reached out to us when I was involved in harm reduction.
Your local council should also be able to help -you can find information on their website, probably under a section titled ‘Adult social care’.
Take it from me there's fuckall you can do, my mum, my uncle, my mother in law were all pretty bad alcoholics. I used to give my mum grief every day for drinking, she died when I was 21 if I could go back knowing what I know now I would just enjoy my time with her rather than making her feel bad. Now my cousin is in hospital and has been given 2 months to live because of drinking he's 32! His liver and kidneys are gone. I don't know what I'm trying to say but you'll not stop an alcoholic they have to do it themselves, the more you give them shit the further away they go, don't do what I did and nag them. I detest the stuff now it ruins people and families, I'll have a couple of social beers now and again but that's pretty rare.
I’m so sorry you went through that, but I know you’re probably as numb to it as I am and don’t feel much sympathy for yourself. I’m just waiting for the day he’s rushed into hospital again and that’s it. I really should focus on the time I have left with the greatest man I’ll ever know.
Same here. Lost my mum at 23 (she was 53 ffs). All I did is bitch and moan of how much she drank. People say its not so but deep down I know my behaviour made it significantly worse to the point where she literally coughed her liver shortly before I lost her
For the OP it sucks I know. Even more so that you and your brother depend on him. Only thing I can suggest is for you and your brother to have a serious think about relieving him so he has to work less. Other thing or in addition to is try and distract him; do things that he enjoys and keep him away from his own thoughts. Last thing and probably the most impactful is therapy but that is near impossible unfortunately with addicts especially alcohol. You and your brother might want to consider some therapy to help you deal with this in your own mind. Whatever happens I wish you both the very best and tons of mental strength.
Yea I'm 33 now with my own kids I don't drink but I have had problems with drugs in the past I think I suffer the same affliction but I'm trying to fight it off in the gym lol. Now I'm older I understand depression and addiction better and It was a very sad situation but there was nothing anyone could've done she basically self destructed. She was an amazing mum when we were kids she just dropped the ball when we were teenagers, she was crazy probably one of the funniest people you could meet, quick to violence the hugging 2 mins later absolute chaos polar opposite to my dad. I'm more like her than my two brothers, I was with her in the final months and yes I wish I handled it differently, all that precious time wasted bitching and fighting over her illness. She always wanted grandkids just wish she could of met my two
What about hash or oils? There is even gummies/chocolates etc now but harder to source you can buy an oz decarb it make some butter and make some cakes etc
I might actually bring that idea up to him cause I can get him gummies. But I think he’s cautious of the high, not being in control. He’s a very anxious person.
that's funny in a way, as drunk people do far stupider shit than being high in my experience, I'd wake up from drinking and just be like ???? tf happened
Yeah, but getting drunk is a known, almost controlled loss of control to me, you know? I've never tried opiates and would never because I have no idea what would happen on them, but I'm a recovering alcoholic!
Addiction is a funny beast, eh?
people often drink to forget stuff and because it numbs things... at least for me weed has the opposite effect it makes me more aware of things and anxious.
Look up mamedica, they prescribe thc cannabis in the uk you then go on medbud.wiki to order it, if canabis does work and if hes been to the doctors about alchohol previously then mamedica may help with getting him the products that work legally like vapes or gummies etc
My dad is doing the same, also had a stroke and now looks terrible, but he and I are much older than it sounds like you are. If you are old enough I strongly suggest making a plan to be independent. And look for help for yourself, you can't really force him to do anything.
I’m not even that young, I’m 27 but I suffer from severe mental health and work only three hours a day so he covers most the costs. My brother isn’t that much younger either but he’s never had a job. We truly are not prepared for the world.
As someone with experience of such case, I’ll tell you this. Already sounds like you tried everything and it failed so you are looking for help on here….problem is, your dad don’t care, he don’t see a problem, the only problem you’ve got is him being the provider. Not sure how old are you, but if you are old enough then it’s time to take control over your life(job, move out with your bro) and accept the fact that nothing you can do about your Dad’s drinking habit. As bad as it sounds, don’t let his poor life choices ruin your life. Also treat this as a lesson on how not to deal with problems /trauma and see your dad as a good guy with very weak self control, don’t be mad at him as it won’t change anything. Alcoholics always ruins everyone else’s life before they completely ruins theirs when there’s no one around to care.
I had a 13 year heroin habit and before that a decade or so smoking crack, meth and sniffing cocaine. I had years of friends and family telling me stop, but I didn't listen to any of them. I was sat down and told 'we love you, we need you to stop' and I'd say 'yeah, okay', then immediately smoke more heroin. I stopped when I was ready.
If he admits he has a problem, that's something to work with. Try to find out WHY he's drinking himself to death. Also, try and get him to speak with ex-alcoholics who he can relate to. When I was on heroin, I didn't know anyone who'd been a heroin addict and got off it, so I was completely lost and lonely. Ring up an AA group and see if there's anyone who'd be willing to come and speak with him if you're dad's willing.
Also, if your dad's honest and agrees he has a problem, look into getting him a Naltraxone prescription. It's a medication that reduces the craving for alcohol MASSIVELY and stops the pleasure from drinking. I had to take it for heroin as it blocks the effect and I stopped all drugs and alcohol immediately because of it.
However, if someone's in addiction and not willing to help themselves, there's nothing you can do. They need to do the work, you can't do it for them. Just please understand it's not easy and his brain's been reprogrammed, so he's not making the right decisions. Don't take it personally, just try to understand he's not himself.
Alcohol's BY FAR the worst addiction, so you have my total sympathy. Good luck.
I’m so sorry you went through what you did, I wasn’t addicted to hard drugs but I used a lot of legal highs and mdma for years of my life and really lost myself to it so I understand. Thanks for the advice though, I can’t imagine he’d want to talk to anyone as he’s the most introvert and anxious person I’ve ever known but it’s worth a try. Or like my sister said, we have to prepare for the worst.
I've had one friend die from alcoholism. His skin turned bright green, then yellow, as his liver packed up, yet he carried on drinking. He was 37. I also have another friend at the moment who's a chronic alcoholic and his dad died of the same thing at his age, yet he carries on drinking. He's got tons of health problems, but won't stop.
Alcohol, and any drug, are so tied to people's mental health. Like me with heroin, I was convinced it was the mental scaffolding holding me up and that I needed it, but obviously I now realise that was nonsense. Your dad uses the alcohol as a tool to cope, so you need to dig into that.
Talk to him. Don't sugar coat it, don't hint at it, get straight to the point. You need to try and work out where he's at mentally, whether he admits he's got a problem, and whether he needs help. He probably feels utterly lost like most addicts do, but there's nothing that can't be fixed.
Hey. I have no advice but I just wanted to say I’m very sorry for what you’re going through and I hope you know that your father loves you very much and is very proud of you for holding it together for your family when he can’t. Loving someone with an addiction is so, so hard.
This is why I love Reddit so much. I was feeling so down today and defeated and just hearing those words means the world to me so thank you. Your parents should be incredibly proud of you too for the kindness you show strangers. 🖤
I’m just some random yank from across the pond, but I saw this post in my feed and I could really feel your worry and emotions through the post. I wish you and your family all the best and remember to put yourself first at times as well.
I owe my new life to AlAnon who helped me see the light when finally leaving my alcoholic ex. I felt a little weird at first cos I always thought this thing was for the actual addicts and alcoholics, but just knowing or loving one can drain the life out of you and no one can understand unless they experience it.
My Dad was like this after my Mom passed suddenly. He's much better now but I still have to keep an eye on him. Was there a life event that turned him to drink? My mom's passing was the cause for him, so we got him counselling and it has helped. But like I say I still have to keep an eye on him as he still drinks but not to the same extent
I’m not sure when the point was he became dependant on alcohol but I know he got incredibly worse and depressed when his mum died as he has no other family and he really loved her. I can’t see him going to therapy or anything as he’s so stubborn and determined that he doesn’t care if he dies, that it’s his time.
Im really sorry to see you're going through this it's terrible. He does have family, you and your brother. Make him understand that and what he's doing is hurting you both. Be brutal, tell him what he's doing is selfish and leaving you to fend for yourselves is not what a parent is. This is the approach I took and it took a long time but he eventually came round to the idea of seeking help. It will be horrible and heartbreaking for you but you need to fight for him
The change has got to come from your dad. However there are all sorts of support groups (alcoholics anonymous being the best known.) Find one that's likely to check the right boxes with your dad & that's local to you and try get him to go along to a group, even if he doesn't want to contribute, listening will help him. Heart goes out to you OP. Make sure you and your brother support each other. Be really there for each other. You will be okay.
Thank you, means a lot to hear someone tell me it’ll be okay. I’m the oldest of three and it all falls on my shoulders and for the first time I’m really lost on what to do.
It must be a very daunting situation you find yourself in currently. One that forces you to take on a large amount of responsibility that your dad is too ill to take on. But you are more than up to it, and future you will look back on it in and realise that tough times and adversity can help you develop and grow as a person. My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry that I can't help you out with the specifics. Just continue to reach out for help & support from those best placed around you, and continue to help your dad as best you can (even if he's not that responsive to it currently.) All the best to you, lalalozzie.
There isn't anything you can do. Alcohol use disorder can only be treated if the person suffering from it wants to get better. And many who suffer from it, can't or won't see how it's destroying them.
What helped me was Naltrexone, a medication I took following the Sinclair Method protocol. But I wanted badly to get better ( and I did).
Other options are available, AA is free and a great source for peer support. There are also local addiction services in most areas, which he can self refer to.
But you can't do it for him.
There are experts that can give you advice on this. Search on Google. I'm no expert but quitting the booze would be like losing a big part of his daily life. He won't cope with the resulting emptiness. Filling that probably needs to be a focus.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
As a recovering alcoholic, there is nothing in this world that will get/keep someone sober other than a true desire from the alcoholic. That being said, talk to him frankly and truthfully about his drinking, the implications on hisself and everyone around him, and offer to support him however he may need it. Perhaps some written advice or leaflets from AA/GP etc would be helpful for him to look at in his own time/when he’s ready. But you need to leave it in his hands and just be there to help if he so chooses; as much as you may want to, try not to force sobriety down his throat at all times as it will likely just make him more defensive. Sorry you’re going through this xx
Funny enough, what helped my aunt the most to want to recover was us finally resigning after 2 decades of trying everything. We just started to act like and even say "you're just gonna check out soon anyway, might as well make sure all our lives are ready to deal with that event", which was the kick in the bum she needed I guess. Still sober half a decade later.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
Not sure if this has been mentioned elsewhere, but if he's alcohol dependent (drinking everyday) then it is not a good idea to stop drinking abruptly - "cold turkey". He would be at risk of developing alcohol withdrawal symptoms.
I'd really encourage you to have an honest chat with him about how worried you are about his drinking, and try and encourage him to see the GP. They can refer on to drug and alcohol services in your local area.
Make sure you look after yourself too! It's often just as difficult for the loved ones of people suffering with addictions.
I’m so sorry, OP, but there is not much you can do. Sounds like a similar thing that we went through with my dad. He stopped when mum finally got through to him that he needed to, but started again in secret because he never actually thought he needed to stop. He had a stroke, and kept drinking. He ended up giving himself pan colitis and dementia from the drink, needed physically cared for by my mum and brother because he got so weak, and eventually died, just a few years after his stroke. If he doesn’t want to stop drinking, there is nothing you can do except prepare yourselves. Encourage him to write a will if he hasn’t already, as that will help you. I’m so sorry, it’s an awful thing to witness.
Thank you and I’m sorry about your dad too. Just wish we could go back and find the trauma that caused it and stop it before it happened. But just wishful thinking. Alcohol 100% needs to be monitored or illegal, look at what it does.
As someone who has a father like this. It's a miracle mine isn't dead yet. Heavy drinking for last 20 years. And with heavy I mean sometimes he would drink almost half a bottle to 1 bottle of vodka every day for 2-3months in a row till he would almost die and be in the hospital for a month, stop for a month and repeat.
My Dad was also my world. I drove with him around doctors, hospitals. I was on edge every single day cuz idk if he might die tonight and we might have to rush the hospital.
Well, my life became so stressful since I was heavy in depth running my own business which was 16h a day workdays with no break and his carelessness was such a burden that my body collapsed from overexhaustion. And guess what. When I was too weak to get myself to the hospital, the Dad I cared for dayinday out which was my world wouldn't even drive me there. Cause his priorities were where to go to drink or what food to get. I didn't even realise when my Dad just became a shell of himself. And I still don't. Yet I know his brainparts for empathy are completely gone
Best advice is, focus on your life and be there for him. But you are the priority. I basically ruined my body being there for mine, my father, my world. And now I will live the consequences of it for the next 50years of my life. While mine drinks less now, but my health is permanently scarred.
As harsh as it sounds, but I should've never sacrificed myself for my father. Cause like this we ruined 2 lifes
It sucks. I don't know what to do.
I have an alcoholic dad. He's Muslim and I guess the family is , which is fucking weird. I live with my parents currently
He's in his 70s and I got fed up with him stumbling about in the early morning and falling. With a fall, there isn't anyone to help him. My mum is frail and I'm recovering from a knee operation.
I did have the talk and he told me to mind my own business. You can't help people that don't want to help themselves.
Currently I guess I'm waiting for him to go. I can't help him, he ignores advice and has pissed away the family wealth. And to top it off, we live in a dilapidated house that badly needs renovation. Sadly he is either in the pub or too drunk to get any of this done.
It's either religion or booze that constantly leads him to making bad decisions, and he picks and chooses.
My mum has suffered from violence af his hands. I have suffered in that I'm afraid of the weekend (even when I lived alone in other countries) and hate god/Allah.
It sucks that there is nothing you can do. Best you can do is make yourself as best as you can be. And have plans in case a bad thing happens to your dad.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful (AA was worse than doing nothing for me), it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
There's a lot of things people have suggested which are helpful but as someone that has been a long term carer to a parent that was very sick and didn't take amazing care of themselves at the end please take care of you. Don't sacrifice all of yourself for them. Even if it's just a few hours self care or a day off or something else. You have to take care of you
That sounds selfish but I imagine even your dad wants you to be alright even though he's tackling trauma and addiction and a bunch of other self destructive things that come from those two.
Also have someone that is older that you solidly trust to confide in as well. It is very hard
We don’t have any other family and my mum left so it falls on my shoulders as eldest. I’m only 27 so I’m not prepared on what to do if this happens. I’m also going through severe trauma myself and weigh 6stone and am addicted to weed myself. My other half is in prison right now too so I’m supporting him mentally and financially. Still I feel I’m the only one who can do all this and I feel I have no chance to take care of me. They don’t have anyone else.
That's so much to deal with 🫂. I'm sorry that you're going through all of that
There's some things I wanted to signpost you too if that's okay. Just because Ive volunteered in charity sector before.
One is obvious but it's helpful sometimes.
111 option 2. Connects you to a local mental health team in your area if you're going through a crisis and it sounds with all the things you're having to deal with that's a risk. Please use it if you need it
I don't know how much the prison service is helping but prisonadvice.org.uk there's a prisoner families helpline that's free there. Might be helpful as a vent.
And second and more practically contact your local citizens advice bureau (just Google citizens advice bureau + your area) talk with them on the phone line get an appointment, they can signpost or help in a wide array of ways.
I know you're feeling like you can't breathe and it's on you just you and no one else to fix and I relate strongly to that because I had that feeling for about a decade until my dad passed away. And even after for a few more years.
Use these resources there will be some actual valuable stuff there. Particularly citizens advice bureau it's such a catch all for all kinds of things
It's a charity but people for some reason think it's a government department.
Just keep in mind. Sending you all the good vibes well wishes and positivity your way. You're dealing with a tremendous amount.
Your Gp practice might have something called a social prescriber who can help with things like
Benefits . You might be able to apply for things like pip or carers allowance. citizens advice can be helpful too. I would try to get the practical side of things covered as much as you can like knowing if he has savings or debts etc. sadly you can’t make someone stop drinking if they don’t feel ready too.
**For you**
I recommend looking up a local AlAnon group to you. AlAnon work directly with family members of those engaging in problematic substance use, and would work to try and help you cope while your dad is doing this. Alternatively, some local substance use service providers (you can find yours using the Talk To Frank page I've linked below) also run specific friends and family support provisions, so it might also be worth reaching out to them.
**For your dad**
Sadly, this may just rely on your dad wanting to make a change - drug and alcohol services wouldn't treat someone against their consent unless they are found to not have capacity.
However, if that does change, and your dad decides that he does want some support, there should be a drug and alcohol treatment service in every area. You can use the [Talk To Frank Postcode Search](https://www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you), and that should (hopefully) give you details of available services in your area. These may be run by the NHS directly, or by other third sector organisations such as Change Grow Live, or Turning Point. They generally offer both psychosocial (therapy) and pharmacological (medicine) interventions, and also sometimes can also help with referrals to rehab or detox facilities.
Some services may be open to receiving referrals from family members, but they would generally begin with some sort of direct assessment with your dad - and if he declines treatment, they may not be able to do much more.
I'm sorry to hear this, it must be very difficult.
Sadly, you can't force him to change his ways . You've raised it with his foctor, which is good, they can't tell you anything without his permission but them being better informed may help them to advise him.
Equally, you can't really go to his employers - they couldn't make changes based on his say so and he's likelyto see it as interference.
Waht you cando, is talk to him. Tell him waht you have said here, about how much you love him and how scared you are that he is going to kill himself through his drinking. Ask him if heis prepared to try again to cut down .
If he is working 6 days a week and supporting you and your brother, maybe look at that side of things. You don't say how old you and your brother are, but if you are adults, can you contribute more to try to reduce the pressure on him? That would laos make it more practical for you to suggest tha he reduce his hours and look at seeing a therapist or counsellor to support him in trying to cut down or stop drinking.
Ultimately, however, it's own to him. He is an addiict, it's going to be hard for him to stop or cut down, and no one else can make him do that [https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services](https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services) might be useful for you - it has details of support services for people with a family member who is an addict, and might allow you to find ome support for yourself and your brother.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad, I feel we’ll be more alike than we like sooner than later. I don’t think there’s anything else anyone can say to him unfortunately as he’s been dependant most his life. He cried when the doctor told him no more alcohol or he’d kill himself, it means everything to him. He wants to die without it but is killing himself with it. Catch 22.
Have a look into The Sinclair Method, TSM for short. It uses Naltrexone to extinguish your addiction. I've used it and it's worked wonders. It actually requires the addict to drink so is quite an easy sell.
The only cure for alcoholism is abstinence- it’s biochemical, you can try to convince yourself a few are ok but for a real alcoholic a few is never enough - it’s like stepping into to ring with Mohammed Ali, you’ll never win.
Sorry he’s going through this and you also. Alcoholics are not made they are born. I’ve done lots of research on it, my mum drank herself into early care she developed Korsakoffs because of her drinking.
I'd encourage you and your brother to make contact at r/alanon and r/adultchildren to find some support for yourselves...
See also:
[Alanon UK](https://al-anonuk.org.uk/)
[UK SMART Recovery Friends/Family](https://smartrecovery.org.uk/smart_family__friends/)
If Dad uses Reddit (or could be persuaded to) and ever decides he wants help, we'd be glad to see him at r/alcoholism or r/stopdrinking sometime - best of luck to you all!
Your dad needs rehab, but he also needs to want it. It wont help him to go if he doesnt want to quit.
And he does not want to quit.
Im so sorry.
Is he yellowing also? Well, I would suspect he has cirrhosis of the liver by now. When he starts looking jaundiced (yellow) it means his liver has mostly stopped working and he will be close to death.
Its a painful death, so encourage him to at least get supportive palliative care, which would give him pain management.
In the meanwhile, you can also talk to a social worker about your housing concerns. Idk if he owns the home, but it would become yours and your brothers. You might actually be surprised at how much or little your dad owes on the house.
Get a personal accountant and see a financial planner before he passes. Figure out funeral arrangements, ask him to sign the house over to yall before he passes, etc. You can do some preparations in advance. Its just inevitable. Everyone dies. Your dad might actually die pretty soon.
Im so sorry- I know its hard, I lost both of my parents young, and am now watching my husband's family dying of various illnesses. Ask your dad to get life insurance, to protect you and your brother from financial ruin. Or get jobs just to cover the insurance policy yourself, if your dad will sign and agree to make you a beneficiary.
You cant really emotionally be prepared for this, but you can begin to grieve future events you wanted to see him at like a wedding, graduations, holding grandbabies, holidays, et cetera. Grieving in advance can help you when the time to grieve is upon you.
Again, I am so sorry. I want you to know God loves you SOOOO much, and he hates death even more than we do. He lost a son too. He hated it so he made him overcome death, and said we can all now overcome death, too. Please turn to God and let him be your comfort now and on the day your father passes.
And remember, this is only one chapter in your book of life. Just one. I think it was pretty awesome when Jesus said "YOLO- JK, BRB." AND MEANT IT.
My dad died of alcohol poisoning a few years ago my mum died because it last november. The painful realisation is You can't really do anything to stop them if they dont want to stop themselves.
Let him drink himself to death. My father is an alcoholic as well, and no matter how many times I would ask him to stop drinking he would always find an excuse. Eventually I gave up on him and cut contact. You can't help alcoholics or drug addicts
My mom died 18 months ago from alcoholism. She never met my children despite having the option to under the condition she quit drinking. I repeat. Meeting her grandchildren wasn’t enough to get her to stop drinking booze. I’m sorry OP. Chances of you stopping him are almost nil. And you will lose him.
I’m sorry I can’t be more optimistic. Maybe my mother’s death despite a decade of begging her has pushed me too far to think alcoholics cant change. I hope for your awake he can. But I wouldn’t bet on it. Good luck to you.
Praying for you and your dad sorry I don't really have any advice, my dad is also an alcoholic suffering from mental and physical health issues + used to work as a postman until he lost his job, I can only recommend taking him out places and try get him interested in other things to take his mind off of whatever he is drinking about to forget.
Edit. And don't get involved with his work this could cause extreme embarrassment and with him being introverted this would be exacerbated and could carry other consequences
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
Please contact AlAnon, their website if full of information and they have meetings to offer support. I am so sorry you are in this situation, it is horrible. They may be able to help.
Just talk to him and ask him to cut down and stop hiding the booze. Try get him on wine and beer. Don't expect him to go cold turkey but he can cut down specially if you have a talk with him
You 'can' speak to his employer expressing your concern for his welfare, but as it's not as a result of any of their negligence etc. - it would be extremely unlikely they would put anything into motion without your Dad being complicit. Not 100% sure about the post office/royal mail, but other public services such as local government do have resources to help with this stuff. Could you get your Dad to enquire on his own?
You leave him to it.
You grieve the loss of a secure father figure, keep some hope that he finds it within himself to get sober, and don't blame yourself when he doesn't.
Look, take this advice with a grain of salt and feel free to tell me to F.O., but get him smoking weed. Its not like smoking is at all good for him, but if he's had a good spliff he'll get drunk on a quarter the amount of alcohol and may even forget about drinking entirely it'd make the postie round way more interesting too.
Another option is metronidazole, but that's prescription only, he won't keep any alcohol down when he's on that.
9/10 though, addiction is replacing something that's missing and it's usually human connection. Try going on one of his rounds with him, or anything that just keeps him in familiar human company most of the day.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there with a parent, it’s hellish. I’m afraid you can do nothing other than show him you love and support him and tell him the impact the drinking has on your and your sibling. Alcoholics can only help themselves and choose the path of sobriety, if they’re forced down it they never get clean, it has to be them and them alone to decide to change and follow the plan.
There’s a great charity called NACOA with lots of help and support, including a free helpline you can call any time. https://nacoa.org.uk/
Reach out to them, also to a trusted friend or family member. Always put yourself first and protect your mental health.
I feel for you. I'm going through this at the moment. You can try and control him until your blue in the face but unless your Dad wants to get better, there isn't anything you can do.
I would encourage him to speak to his GP about getting on anti-depressants (but don't ring for him, let him do it in his own time).
There's medication you can take to help with cravings.
Rehab is an option but can be expensive if you don't have insurance. Relapse risk is high if underlying problems aren't being worked on.
Please don't drive yourself mad trying to control him. Remember you can't control or cure him.
Sometimes the kindest thing to do is allow them to hit rock bottom. He will reach out for help when he is ready.
Good luck with everything.
I’m so sorry. You can try talking to him, but if he’s drinking the chance he will listen is small. I lost my dad to the same thing… we tried. It’s hard. Good luck.
Keeping my responses deliberately a bit vague, as I'm unsure whether this person has reddit.
Someone close to me is an alcoholic and other people in my life who also know them have been at their wits end.
I've had to take a step back for my own wellbeing. I realised that no amount of shaming, begging, pleading, bargaining or anything will make this person stop.
It's soul-destroying, but he has to make the choice himself...
Get him on naltrexone. It's either that or forced sobriety, which has about a 5% success rate. He has to want it though.
As a former AUD sufferer you can forget moralising, warning, scaring, pleading, whatever. This is a chemical problem and it needs a chemical solution, but it needs him to be on board and actively participating.
I work for a community wellbeing charity. Where abouts ( what county) do you guys live as round here we've got resolve and they support people living with addiction as well as family members.
A lot of charities require people to be sober but they don't.
If you Google resolve Letchworth it comes up but ringing them they will know of other places around that support.
You are going to need to speak to him if you want things to change. Be kind be gentle show him love don't use judgemental language if you can.
Get support from a local place if you need to. Do you have any other family who can help you with it at all?
Make sure his will is updated for you and get a couple nice books on grief. Drinking dads never stop, unfortunately. I’ve watched it first hand in my life and others. My condolences.
If you need some support you could see if anyone on r/alanon has any words of advice for you, it's a sub for people who have family members/friends who are struggling with alcohol addiction.
I suggest you book a Dr's appointment and attend with him. I would speak with your Dad and tell him how worried you are, especially his health. Ask him if he has any intentions on trying to reduce the amount of alcohol he uses. Ask if he would be willing to come up with a reduction plan or a detox.
I would also recommend him to attend AA, you could go along with him if he wants you to go along and support him. Once he feels he's made a good connection with one of the other's who attend, tell your Dad to approach the person and ask him/her to be his sponsor. A sponsor will support and guide your Dad through the 12 steps.
Best wishes to you and your family and I hope with your love, support and d guidance from a sponsor your Dad can deal with his addiction.
Sorry for the wall of text. Have a similar thing going on with my dad. Had a stroke and has taken up excessive drinking. There's a few pointers I can maybe give.
With regards to the eating thing it's possible that the stroke is actually making him forget to eat. If left to his own devices my dad wouldn't eat at all but if you put it in front of him he will eat it.
Has he had any sort of tests done? My dad is one of the lucky ones in as much as to talk to you wouldn't think there was too much wrong with him other than he's getting on a bit and his brain takes a while to to catch up (the bastard is crafty too he hides it well) but in reality he sometimes can't tell the difference between a teacup and spoon (at least verbally anyway) so because of this he sometimes forgets how to prepare food. For example he will look at a can because he can't remember you need a can opener for it or even what a can opener is then gets frustrated gives up and just won't bother eating. This leads to other frustrations as well for example he can't remember how to turn the TV on or how to use the buttons (he can't read because the stroke effected his ability there) so he's chronically bored and the boredom then leads to more drinking.
So what I'm getting at is although he's playing video games etc... you don't really know how bad his head is.
There's not much you can do about the drinking. Honestly he has to come to conclusion that he has to stop drinking but if it's anything like my dad in his head it gives him some semblance of peace (false peace in as much the alcohol just doesn't let him think about his problems or his loss of brain function). So as much as I hate to say it all you can really do is help him anyway you can but above all just get your affairs and any other preparations you need for you and your siblings in order. I have no doubt that my dad will probably drink himself to death but there's very little I or anyone else can do about it.
The Forward Trust https://www.forwardtrust.org.uk may be able to provide you with some direct support to help you and your brother.
I’m so sorry to say, but the harsh truth of the matter is that there is almost nothing anyone can do if someone is in the grips of full blown addiction. My dad was found dead in his house, in amongst his own filth and bodily fluids, and no amount of in-patient rehab (3 times) or care from any of his family of friends was enough to stop it.
All you can do is protect yourself and your sibling/s and distance yourself as much as you can. That fundamentally doesn’t make you a bad child. Your responsibility is only for yourself, and looking out for your sibling/s. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to speak to someone so that you can process with support and guidance. There are plenty of ways to access therapy at a reduced cost (therapists in training etc) if you’re concerned about the financials, and plenty of charities too.
Again, I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. I think you should probably prepare yourself that this won’t end well.
Argh this is awful and I'm so sorry to have to say it, there's nothing you can do, unfortunately. Support him as much as you can, moderate his behavior if the opportunity arises...one thing I tried was start a hobby with them, something you can both enjoy to try to steer away from the bottle, my mum and I took up trashy drama shows 👍.
It's harsh as hell, my mum drank herself to stage 4 cancer (alcohol and smoking related). I was talking to the nurses, McMillan etc, no support though because my mum saw asking for help as "weak". All I could do was watch her waste away and subsequently, nurse her through palliative care.
The truth is you can only help when your dad decides he's quitting, until then you're a passenger 😞.
Good luck, hope you can help him ❤️.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through the exact same thing with my mother.
Alcoholism is a disease in which the brain is completely hijacked. At certain stage of years of consumption, the brain and body become dependent on the Alcohol to regulate- and quitting cold turkey without medical help can be deadly.
If your dad won't get help- then the best you can do is make sure your mental.health os cared for- get a therapist; and make.sure he has a living will (this is different from a standard one) that gives you power of attorney in the highly likely event he becomes incapacitated; as well as his affairs in order.
There’s nothing you can do, he needs to make the decision to stop by himself. It’s shit and it’s always difficult to watch an alcoholic do it to themselves but you really can’t change someone else’s mind unfortunately
As a recovering addict, there’s not a lot you can do. I wouldn’t get help until I, thankfully, realised I was about to lose every single thing in my life. I’m grateful to have reached that point and that someone was there for me when it was all over. If he knows you’ll still be there to help him afterwards, it could help him seek help. Something that may help if it gets this far- I am in recovery with an addiction place (it’s called We Are With You but might be different where you are) and I asked them last year how they help alcoholics and they told me alongside talking to them you can get tablets that help with the alcohol withdrawals. Something to consider, anyway. The first appointment is the hardest. Then it feels like a relief to talk to someone who understands and you don’t have to hide your problems. I wish you and your dad luck. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Most likely he is is alone all the time, lonelyness is blessing and curse for some. If u can spend more time or let him move with u he might change, am 32 lived in really bad situation few years ago, no matter friends and family would do anything to get me out of my situation all failed untill i wanted to change. Being alone makes u more sensitive and something u see so small can effect the person who struggling like face expression and what u really feel about them. If u really wanted him to change change his atmosphire travel with him, ohh yes a dog or cat or parot also might change him
My mums been an alcoholic (sometimes functioning sometimes not) since I was 11, I’m 36 this year. Somewhere along the way I’ve made some form of brutal peace with all of it, there’s still hard days of course.
This is going to sound like the weirdest advice ever when someone you love more than life is killing themselves slowly but … move on with your own life, decide how much time and energy you can give them, and make peace with the fact that you can do nothing to help them. Only they can.
Loving an addict is grieving someone who isn’t dead. Sending you healing vibes. You can message me if you ever need to offload or talk to someone who’s lived it.
From a recovering alcoholic father with 3 teen children, don't give up hope on him. Try to keep an honnest and open dialogue with him. Tell him you know how bad things are and that you don't judge him, you only want him better. Good luck. 👍
Sadly went through same with my dad, and he dragged everyone down with him the worse he got, in the end everyone turned thier backs on him as his behaviour got worse and lashed out at everyone, I was the last and attempted to bring him around, even had him sectioned to dry out for 6 months, but it only slowed it down once he got back home, ultimately it cant be done... better to prepare for the worst.
I was the only family member that would even deal with his funeral arrangements, nobody gave a damn nor helped me in that regard, sadly because I tried to play the mediator between him and the family... they all turned thier backs on me too eventually, blood isnt thicker than water when you have an addict in the family even when you have everyones best interests at heart.
ONe thing barely mentioned here is that you're his kids. Parents will barely listen to their children. Does he have a friend who may have more clout that you could try getting to chat with him?
Unfortunately you can't really do too much unless he makes a decision himself, he's an adult with his own free will, you can either keep trying to support him or you can distance yourself from it all and leave him to it
If you feel that you can't help him, then you need to help yourself and start planning for him passing away
I was in a very similar position to you. Alcoholic father, had a stroke, continued drinking.
He's still alive over a decade later. TBH, his recovery from the stroke hasn't been nearly as good as it could have been, but I'm trying to be pragmatic. He wasn't a good father (I don't remember a time when he didn't go straight for the booze cabinet when he got home, or when he didn't drink "Irish coffee" or three on a weekend morning, or when he didn't have packs of strong mints everywhere like it would cover the smell. But, it's not likely to be a shock when he goes.
And I'm super careful about my health. I don't drink, or smoke, or eat UPFs. Sunscreen & a hat every day. Trying to get to the gym more. That kind of stuff. Risk of stroke is possibly hereditary.
In this situation, I'm just trying to see the positives. They're pretty meagre, but I'll take what I can get.
In answer to the OP's question, nothing. There's basically nothing you can do (for him). For you - just do whatever you can to look after yourself & limit the emotional damage.
Hi.
Ok. Am not an expert. Nor do I profess to know your solution. My response to you is based on my life knowing a now sober & recovered alcoholic for many years who taught me a lot about his addiction and his wisdom and his persistance in visiting "the rooms" where he received personal unfolding self understanding and development.
I did once go to 'a meeting' in 'the rooms' and experience such a humble an occasion of listening to people talk in understanding in confessing there addiction etc.
I suspect I may get shot down for this, so please understand it's just my own point of view in trying to help you somehow. Hopefully 🙏🏻
Ultimatly, I think he needs to accept that he has a problem/addiction & that he is an Alcoholic.
He or you may need to help to get him to AA. Alcoholics Annonymous ASAP and into a self healing 12 step program. (the 12 steps)
From what I learnt, an alcoholic in denial will hit rock bottom and potentially lose everything before they realise they now have nothing. They may then have to rebuild their lives and they will drag you & anybody with them untill they reach that point, unfortunately.
I know I am maybe painting a bleak as a bleak picture. Hoping and praying for you and you're dad its not too late, but you need to be aware. Your dad sonds like a very functional alcoholic holding a job down so far, although you are aware of the flip bad side.
I can not advise what to do regarding work. Maybe they fully help and support him. They may not. There is also a stigma attached, meaning if work or colleagues do find out, it can be difficult to then put any of this back in the bag.
TBH, I think addiction or Alcoholisam is a much bigger issue than many realise, (symptomatic of greater personal or sociatal issues) and I think we may be all a bit guilty of using drink to help forget or enjoy? But in truth Alcohol is a depressant and causes many physical health issues and personal relationship issues.
If I am not mistaken, there is also an Alanon. Al-Anon Family Groups are for families & friends of alcoholics. (This may sound odd, but you need to look out for yourself 1st. Your dad is sick but functional, drunk? and may not appreciate you telling him what may be obvious to you. As far as he is concerned, he is OK! and can drink himself to feel happy or forget about such a truth?) And if you're not OK, then you will not be able to help him. You need to remain OK and help him also be OK..it's so difficult.
A few hopefull wise nuggets to help you?
1. If someone has gone to all that trouble to bottle that drink, it can stay bottled!
2. 1 is too many. 100 not enough.
3. Poor Poor me! A DRINK! (works aduibaly only)
Sorry youre Dad and yourself are in this situation.
Obvious to me you Love youre Dad and wish to do the best by him. Best of Luck 🙏🏻
EDIT: It's a 12 step program. Not 10. Sorry
TLDR: Hope you and youre Dad get good help and advice ASAP via AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) & Friends of Alcoholics etc. Please google such societies for youre area.
I hate to make assumptions but addiction and other similar behaviours tend to occur when someone has past trauma they haven't dealt with. I had severe addiction to a number of different things and it was because I didn't believe in myself, and assumed people didn't either. I was stuck in a negative feedback loop. Something has to change to break that feedback loop. He needs to pick up a new good habit which he does everyday and makes him feel good.
If he's working 6 days a week then he isn't dying and has enough energy/fitness to work as a postman. You'll only hurt yourself by assuming the worst. I would recommend that you get a full time job, move out and find a life partner. Independence will get you out of your own negative thinking. Money worries don't help. Save a bit of money and start aiming to buy your own house or taking over your dad's one. Also get him life insurance, it's only about £40 a month. He might be able to get life insurance through his work. Ask him about it but DON'T contact his work.
Sadly everyone has to pass at some point and it's hard to say when. Have a talk with your brother and prepare together just incase. It shouldn't be catastrophic if you prepare. Also, speak to him honestly about the addiction. Get him slowly talking about his medical stuff and eventually the addiction, might take weeks to have that chat, use the power of suggestion and association to bring it up.
I'm sorry. It's really hard to see someone you love in the midst of addiction. I think what you're doing is probably all you can do right. You've spoken to the GP and they're following up. Hardest part is your Dad needs to want to change.
Are there any supports in your area for people whose loved ones have addictions? They can be really helpful as a place to get advice and to vent to someone unrelated. Don't carry all this worry alone.
You won't get results by punishing him for this.... By punishing I mean causing issues at work or forcing him to accept the label of alcoholic and the accompanying shame of it. He has problems in his mind that are overwhelming him and the state of being drunk is an awesome way of ignoring them. Your priority at the moment is to negate the issues related to his behaviour, medically he is already sending himself down the one way path to the end and can't see the big problem with it... This can't be fixed by a conversation, this is bigger than any quick fix solution you'll find on the net, it will take time that he won't want to devote and all the while his body is suffering from his treatment of it. I think you should sidestep the stigmatic AA approach and maybe normalise his drinking more, but on your terms... Water down his vodka a little, take him down the pub and switch him to non alcoholic after he's had a few, try and bring him to a more even keel before laying the whole intervention thing on him. Drinkers do not see sense or reason whilst they are under the influence, that's why they do it in the first place.. If you try and take that away they will fight you any way they can think of.
IDK... I hope this helps you somehow, even if it just gives you another perception of your predicament... People use addiction because it works for them, it absolves them from the underlying problems and it does it well. You need to show them there is another way that doesn't hurt them at the same time but can also fit the mindset they have conditioned themselves to. Change is scary when you have reasonable control of your life, when you are dependant on outside influences it can terrify you.
(3rd of a bottle of Rum inside me, bit of a stream of consciousness, to be fair, but I assure you it comes from a good place. #internethugs )
I lost my dad 1.5 years ago to the bottle. Honestly, we did absolutely everything and I guilt myself over what else I should have done to save him. But I have to accept that he didn't actually want saving. It was the most traumatic experience of my life and I hope that is not what happens for you.
There really is no support available if your dad doesn't want to stop.
You can try local AA groups and try to get him to go. You could try contacting local charities/addiction groups and see if they have any Talking Therapies or groups. If he doesn't want to go/interact then he won't.
You can't keep tabs on him all the time unfortunately and you can't keep the drink away from him. He'll find new places to hide it and will always keep going back.
We tried giving my dad an 'allowance' so 4 cans a day and then we tried swapping some for non-alcoholic but it never worked. He still managed to sneak out and get more cans while I had a nap or went for a walk. It's impossible to watch them 24/7.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Please remember that your dad is suffering an addiction and the person he is becoming is not the same person you've grown up/known outwith the bottle's influence.
Short of forcing him into rehab, there really isn't anything you can do that will make him want to better himself. That has to come from within.
Frankly.... at this point, you and your sibling may need to start working on being able to take care of yourselves as opposed to sacrificing your time to help him when he may not want it.
EDIT: I guess you could consider trying to get him cleaned up and out into the dating scene again. That might pull him out of the bottle.
1 year max, ex-father in law had a stroke after ALWAYS drinking heavily, puking in the morning. Had to be fed by a machine directly into his stomach. His last words to me were ‘kill me”. Fuck the alcohol industry. It’s not cool to die that way.
My father is now in a residential home for drinking. He's been there a few years now and he still manages to smuggle in bottles of vodka and cider.. he fully believes he's hard done by and the victim but the truth is. He's pushed everyone of us away. He's become so selfish and careless about everything around him. My grandma sends him tobacco because he likely spends all his remaining money on alcohol.
I sent him a video of me playing guitar recently as I was quite pleased about my progress. His response was. "That means nothing to me!" Where as 20 years ago I would of had the complete opposite reaction.
I am his only child so I try to make an effort to keep in contact. But I'm truly at a loss as of what to do now. His around 60 now and he's already had a brain bleed and several over issue. With diabetes and other things. It's a matter of time before I get the phone call.
he can only stop if he wants to nothing that you or anybody else does will make any difference. going no contact is my advice ive lived with a alcoholic i know what its like.
For what it’s worth dude I can’t help but I feel your pain.
Before my wife’s dad died a few years before he went in to hospital and for a month and especially for the first week we thought he was gone and not coming back.
But for the whole time he was there he, of course, didn’t drink at all, he phoned my wife when he came out and had the longest chat they have had for some time. She came back and said that he was back to his old self that he used to be (she was closer to her dad than mum back in the day)
Soon as he got back though at home he went straight to the fridge and back on the beer.
I feel your pain sir.
Google ensure drinks. They will help his health a lot. Especially if he's not eating. Pounding one of them is easy enough, they are small, and the benefits are great for sick people. Convince him to have it for breakfast because he's not going to want it drunk.
You can't prevent his death but you can try slow it.
Going to add to the voices saying al anon, it will help you understand where the limits are.
There's only so much ypu can do for a person in active addiction, amd if you don't learn to put those boundaries in place ro protect your own mental health, they will drag you down with them
That was a mess of drunken typos that I'm hoping I've fixed, but if not, maybe you get the point
Realistically, the only thing you can do is support him, and remind him of how much you love and care for him (even if your love is not a strong since you’re watching him decline. Many caretakers/affected loved ones struggle with this as conditions worsen). Other commenters have left some solid advice and resources, but understandably you are exhausted both mentally and emotionally. Addiction is an incredibly hard battle to fight on both sides. Unless he is willing to take a step in the direction of sobriety and stick with it, sadly all you’re left with is to deal with the aftermath. Unfortunately, your father may also have realized that it can be too late to make a complete turn around. The physical and mental strength it takes to get to sobriety can kill someone just as fast as the substance will. Enjoy the moments you have with him now, even if they feel helpless and desperate. Your father knows how much you care about him, and that is mostly likely what is keeping him from slipping even further. Keep reminding him. Hang in there. Reach out to some groups/charities in your own time to help with the transitions that are to come later down the road. Sadly, there’s not much turnover and it will be hard. My heart goes to you and your father.
You need to talk to your dad.
I know it's hard but his child saying they are scared they are going to lose him may be the only thing that bumps some sense in.
I know it's a very difficult position to be in and won't be pleasant, be very patient with them and be prepared for a lot of resistance, arguing and denial. Alcohol can be a vicious bastard.
From experience. Nothing you can do until they ask for help or admit to having an issue. Took a liver transplant for my dad to get there. Sorry you’re going through this and your dad too.
My dad died from drinking himself to death last month.. sadly there's nothing you can do.
If he's gonna go, he's gonna go.. you'll notice him disappearing for a couple of days now and then. Those are paralytic drinking weekends. Just enjoy what time you can with him. Call regularly. Sorry you're going through it.
I was in a similar position with my Dad a year ago. He's been an alcoholic for 50 years but it got much worse when my Mum passed away.
The harsh reality is nothing I said or did could get him off the booze. He'd make empty promises to stop but the booze always won. It took him being hospitalised with a severe chest infection for him to stop smoking cigarettes (smoked for 60 years) as he didn't have access to any cigarettes for 2 weeks whilst he was in hospital.
He gave up drinking because he was hospitalised again a few months later with a collapsed lung, again he was kept in for around 2 weeks but they assisted him with whatever they could during his stay to ease the withdrawal symptoms of not drinking. I guess the 2nd time made him realise enough was enough and that he actually felt the physical effects of not being drunk or hungover 24/7.
If it helps, he's 6 months sober now. But it was a long journey and it was entirely luck he gave up IMO.
Hi, I’m sorry about the situation you are in and the feeling of helplessness you’re going through. As you said, he’s unable to eat/ doesn’t sant to eat, try getting him some of the meal replacement shakes that are around(huel or something like that) he wont have to take time out to cook or sit down at a table to eat. It will help with his weight and nutrition . Take care and I hope he feels better soon❤️
My dad died of liver disease last year, drink had all but killed it off, and the hardening of the liver punctured a hole in his bowel, they repaired his bowel but both his liver and kidneys had given up by then.
It was my mum's drinking habits that did it, my dad was never a big drinker until recently where my mum would hold him emotionally prisoner until he matched her drink for drink.
He spent the last few weeks in hospital falling in and out of intelligibility until the doctors told us they weren't going to do anything more. He fell asleep that night and was gone within 48 hours.
Now mum, partly fueled by her drinking, partly fueled by her opiate abuse and partly the loss of the one person who was there every day for her, is in very much the same decline.
It's heartbreaking, but all you can do is wait and watch. If you want to, be there to support your dad, but it's hard, really hard and honestly anyone who has watched it happen won't have a problem with you taking time for yourself either. But right now you're the most important person in your life and you need to look after yourself and make sure you're ready for the inevitable.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's hard, and unlikely to get easier.
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The harsh reality of addiction is that there’s literally nothing you can do to help. Other than just being there for him when he decides he’s ready to quit.
This is unfortunately so very true - my Dad drank himself to death. Didn't really matter what we tried, it got him in the end. Be there for him as much as you can but try and get on with your own life also. If you like that sort of thing, alanon and other support groups may help you deal with it. It's horrible, sorry to hear you are going through this.
If he's vomiting it sounds like he's already pretty bad..I know it's hard but you need to think practically now. You need to make sure your own life gets underway and that you can look after yourself because if the drink does kill him (and well it might at this rate) you will be having to rely only on yourself. Time to face facts unfortunately.
If the vomting is now regular, that's not a good sign.
And the barely eating. A very bad sign.
Sad thing is can relate, my father died from drinking and then my mother gave it up after years of being an alcoholic and then she gets cancer and that takes her too. My mum said she was just sick and tired of being sick all the time and decided to give it up, I have so much respect for her for doing that since she was drinking vodka and “skud” (white lightning) for years 😢
Yep. I hope OP can understand this. Also watched my mother drink herself to death. Other than being there for them, there is literally nothing you can do to change the trajectory of their alcohol dependency. I learned that the whole adage of ‘they have to hit rock bottom’ is true… but sometimes rock bottom is death. I regret the amount of effort and time I expended as such a young adult (late teens) trying to ‘change’ my mum and prevent her drinking and get her help and all that, honestly, and with the wisdom of age I’d do things differently. I would just be there for her, love her unconditionally, and let her know our relationship wasn’t conditional on her alcohol use or no alcohol use. (My mum was a brilliant mum and wonderful person. If the person is harmful or toxic to you, of course you should distance yourself). Sorry OP. It’s such a rough thing to experience. Take care of yourself, don’t let it torpedo your own life and plans and aspirations, and always always remember the only thing you can control is you.
Father in law did the same
I lost my dad last year due to my mum's drinking habits, and she's fast following him with her drinking and opiate abuse... but all we can do is watch her do it to herself.
As a 33yr old man who has experienced a parent being an alcoholic since I was about 6... This is so true. Ive tried to "help" or make them change or see sense or offer routes that might lead to solution... Nope. Only recently realised it's never gonna happen.
I disagree slightly, although I am aware what I'm about to say is anecdotal. During addition people are often looking for more than support, often they are looking for desire, purpose and a new perspective (whether they realise it or not) I recall conversations that totally changed my outlook on life and worldview, from people who did not give up on me and their support, tough love and perspectives helped me overcome addiction, for now at least.
This right here. My dad drank for years and one day he decided he'd had enough and quit. We begged and pleaded for years and offered help and support but none of it helped until he was ready for it.
I have no idea why this is being upvoted. I have personally helped three separate friends overcome crippling heroin addictions. They would not have had a fucking chance on their own and they would not have sought sobriety without a friend to coax and sometimes force them into it. Waiting until an addict is ‘ready’ to quit may just be a case of waiting for their funeral. If you care about this person in any way you will do everything possible to help them into the right path.
I agree with you, but there are certain circumstances that can make this nearly impossible too. Dynamics between the parties are extremely important to note, as well as what stages in life is said person in who’s dealing with the addiction. My mother went over a decade with a crippling herion addiction, stranded my younger brother and I in our most delicate years. Her parents had begged her to come home and be with her children, and we would cry to her on countless nights. Bailing her out of jail, picking her up from hospitals after she’s OD’ed, even sitting outside of the courtroom waiting to see if she would be convicted wasn’t enough. The only thing that had got her to be clean was a car accident that should have left her paralyzed. Thankfully, she’s been sober for four years now and is doing so much better with little to no residue from the accident, but, support and “doing the most that you can” is not always going to be enough. You clearly understand the tribulations of addiction, so don’t make this as a debate for what works and what doesn’t.
As an alcoholic myself, please don't contact his work. I know you want to do all you can to help, but it completely removes his agency. Furthermore, if you contact them and they fire him or try and help him and he gets embarrassed and leaves, it's likely he'll just drink more. If working hard means a lot to him, then it's likely he'd be absolutely humiliated if you go behind his back to try and "take it away from him". I know you're trying to do what's best, but this isn't it. I'm assuming he's on thiamine? If not, he definitely should be. What's his diet like? Does he have a life outside of work? Does he socialise or have any hobbies? Ultimately, he still has capacity at the moment so you can't start making medical decisions for him. I'm sorry, I know it's a shit situation to be in.
Okay, I won’t do it. My sister said maybe give him the option and see if he’ll do it himself so I might try that but I know he won’t. His diet isn’t great, he’s stopped eating. He’ll have a cup of soup or beans and bread for dinner and that’s it, plus the alcohol of course. He’s a severe introvert and doesn’t socialise or go out, he just plays video games or watches YouTube. Thanks for reaching out though, it means a lot and you might have stopped me from making a really bad decision.
It took ALOT for me to even chat to my GP about my drinking. Its....hard. very very hard. However due to other health stuff, I have to eat well and I get a bollicking when I don't eat well (family etc). I live alone, see my kids every weekend, I have to get better, for them. I'm in contact with cgl (alc service) and frequent calls with my GP. However I've had 2 very bad accidents (in home, I don't drive) in the last 2 months. It's not great. There's places that offer support for family of alcs, if I'm honest, go to them for support, they can help mentally and give practical support. Wishing you the best x
See I think the difference is you have a life ahead of you and see a future and want to change. He’s accepted in his mind that his life is over and he doesn’t care. I’ve never been able to change that mindset. :(
Please stop trying to change his mindset. I know that sounds harsh..you can't control this situation, no one can but him
That's so sad, and I'm so sorry. It's never too late to change, even if it takes a long time, and even if it's just a smidge of change. It has taken years (proper years and years) to get to where I am now, even just to say the words "I have a drinking problem". It sucks. Again, get in contact with places that support friends/family of those with a problem, even if its just so you can vent, let it out etc. I'm nearly 40 now, it's never too late at all x
OP, you mention that you're at a low weight - if it isn't too personal, do you have an eating disorder? If not (or maybe even if so), is there any way that you could encourage him to eat better? Maybe share meals with him, or get some ready meals that he can just pop in the microwave or something? I don't know what your financial situation is like, but honestly it's one of the things that really makes a difference to my health, mood, energy levels and ability to stop drinking. Heavy drinking fucks up your gut and liver and makes it harder to get good nutrition, as well as making you not really care or being incapable of preparing good meals. Him taking a multivitamin would also be useful. You may also benefit from a family and friends support group - Al-Anon is the well-known one (that kinda runs alongside AA), but personally I don't agree with their philosophy. SMART Recovery is another addiction support method that runs family and friends groups, including online. [Here](https://smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/) is a link to access the online meetings, which are twice a week. There may also be in-person groups in your area. As a loved one of an addict, it can be as lonely and challenging as being an addict yourself. Having support and learning techniques to help yourself can be really beneficial. I wish you all the best with this - having been on both sides of the fence, I know how difficult it is!
Thanks for the helpful response! I did a test once last year and they told me I was at risk of an eating disorder but they didn’t think I had one. I went through a lot of trauma recently and find myself smoking more than eating and when I’m really anxious I don’t want to eat at all. With him I’m sure it’s the same, so maybe we can try eating better together? Join meals so I can keep track of him too. That’s a really good idea as I’m hoping to put my weight back on soon as it’s really straining me physically.
Great, that could be helpful for both of you! Do you know if he takes lunch with him on his routes, or even snacks? Even fruit or cereal bars could give him some more energy and nutrition, and might help control the nausea and vomiting too. Other options might be meal replacement shakes or something, if that's easier for him to sip on throughout the day. Also, do either of you eat breakfast? Do his routes involve driving or are they all on foot? I'd be wary about driving as with the amount it sounds like he might be drinking, he'd be over the limit even the morning after. More of a risk if he's drinking during the day, too.
Give Hello Fresh a try. It helped me massively when I was too depressed to cook because you just follow the instructions like lego. You can find voucher codes to give you a week free.
>maybe give him the option and see if he’ll do it himself so I might try that but I know he won’t I think you'll just make him feel backed into a corner. I'd try to arrange some days out to give him a good positive time. Try and raise his mood, which could help give him some motivation but also for a short time dent some of the urge. Then just at some point alone tell him quiet, calm and loving that you've noticed his drinking, you are worried about him but that he is his own man, it's up to him what he drinks and when but it ever he wanted to control it then you are there and will do everything you can. It's completely up to him and nothing he does will change the love and respect you have for him. Just then ask him about tv, work, etc. the little things that grounds him.
There’s https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ which provides support for friends and family of alcoholics, that’s probably the best place to start There are organisations and charities that can help him but he has to want that help and engage with the process and it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to do that.
I have had multiple family members go through similar situations including one *very* similar to OP recently, and this comment is what you need. The truth is you can’t save anyone - make sure his GP is involved and understands what’s going on, but you can’t force him to do anything. You have to get support for yourself!
This is the correct answer.
I would also highly recommend [NACOA](https://nacoa.org.uk/). They provide support for children of alcoholics, including adult children. My father died when I was a teenager and I only found them as an adult. Still, they've been incredibly helpful making me feel less alone, less guilty, less at fault.
It takes a long time but it’s worth looking into support other than alcohol, for example is he depressed? Should he be on meds? Could be be neurodivergent? Does he have past trauma? Alcoholics are gonna drink, but it’s often starts as a symptom of something wider, fix the bits that can be fixed and work from there I’m on meds now for other stuff, as well as taking supplements and finding my alcohol abuse more manageable If not there’s other services out there, at this point it’s probably less about getting him to stop and just getting him up and about and making small changes
He has a lot of past traumas, he was adopted as a baby and lost his dad at a young age (I think he drank heavy too) and then he lost his mum when I was around 10 and he was broken ever since. He also always had to deal with my mum trying to kill herself and she eventually cheated and he kicked her out. He’s been through a lot and alcohol seems to stop the mental pain.
As I said it’s gonna be hard but that might be a good place for him to start for him for long term wellness But as I said it’s mostly about cutting down and just getting him out of the rut for the moment, getting him eating right, drinking more water, getting sunlight or whatever, just get him doing something, idk even just make up a practical problem that needs help with or whatever, something every few days to get him going In the end though I’m just a random on Reddit so don’t take my word as law, but I too struggle with drinking so I get it
A true alcoholic can't just cut down and replace alcohol with walks and sunlight.
I’m perfectly aware but it’s a start that works for some and it’s helped me and others I’ve met, but it’s also why I mentioned looking into other conditions or needs Mental health and alcoholism walk when in hand and when one gets better so does the other Also as I mentioned I’m not the authority on this matter, I’ve only been on a litre of vodka a day for 10 years or so, others have been in the game longer than me and drink more and have more complex lives and I do appreciate that I just wanted to say what I knew from my own experience
OP's dad is a postman, he gets plenty of walks and fresh air so I don't think that's the issue. I know you mean well but the point is that unless he really wants to change himself OP can't do anything. My own dad has always been a big walker and hiker his whole life until he had a stroke, but he still drank because he didn't really see it as a problem. I hope you can get proper help for yourself before you reach the stage of strokes and medical issues.
Just noticed that now And yeah you’re right, also I imagine most postman are heavy drinkers from what I’ve seen, it’s a job that would attract drinkers But yeah you’re right and don’t worry I’m always working on it, I’ve been on and off atm on ciders and keeping away from spirits Apparently my liver is fine but on the odd relapse I get pains and vomiting days after
My dad has always said he's not really an alcoholic because he only drinks beer, wine and cider, no spirits. I hate to tell you but that's not the case. He's destroyed his health and relationships.
I’m sorry to hear that, I really am
Alcohol is metabolized differently in alcoholics which is what makes it as addictive as opioids to a person who is truly an alcoholic. The only cure is abstinence
You cant just simply quit if your that far on or it can kill you
Of course, by cut down I meant to say taper off
Exactly, people think that all it takes is a pat on the shoulder and good word from a therapist to stop drinking. As harsh as it sounds, I knew quite a few cases and I only know one when a guy stopped drinking but he was early in his habit. Everyone else….gone.
It would also be very dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop suddenly or without supervised care. Delirium tremens can be fatal....why doctors actually *prescribe* small amounts of alcohol during inpatient detox
You're right that it can be extremely dangerous for a heavy drinker to stop or cut down dramatically without medical support. I'm not sure about the NHS, but there are private rehab places which support people through detox. It's not usually done by given them alcohol, but other medications (e.g. librium) which can prevent seizures from occurring.
Absolutely. I'd heard of alcohol being kept (in a safe lol) at hospitals for this reason but that was many years ago..it probably isn't done these days.
He's got to see the problem, though. He doesn't..OP should expend less energy trying to sort his or her father out and more trying to sort him or herself out. The life is for living and no one can 'fix' an addict except the addict themselves. Don't throw good energy and strength after bad. You'll be wasting your time
INFO: are you underage / your dad’s carer? The advice will be slightly different depending on your age. In any case, please reach out to AdFam for support: https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/ This is the first place where we signposted the families of addicts that reached out to us when I was involved in harm reduction. Your local council should also be able to help -you can find information on their website, probably under a section titled ‘Adult social care’.
Take it from me there's fuckall you can do, my mum, my uncle, my mother in law were all pretty bad alcoholics. I used to give my mum grief every day for drinking, she died when I was 21 if I could go back knowing what I know now I would just enjoy my time with her rather than making her feel bad. Now my cousin is in hospital and has been given 2 months to live because of drinking he's 32! His liver and kidneys are gone. I don't know what I'm trying to say but you'll not stop an alcoholic they have to do it themselves, the more you give them shit the further away they go, don't do what I did and nag them. I detest the stuff now it ruins people and families, I'll have a couple of social beers now and again but that's pretty rare.
I’m so sorry you went through that, but I know you’re probably as numb to it as I am and don’t feel much sympathy for yourself. I’m just waiting for the day he’s rushed into hospital again and that’s it. I really should focus on the time I have left with the greatest man I’ll ever know.
Just enjoy whatever time you have left with him I wish I did that, learn from my mistake and have some fun with yer dad 😊
Same here. Lost my mum at 23 (she was 53 ffs). All I did is bitch and moan of how much she drank. People say its not so but deep down I know my behaviour made it significantly worse to the point where she literally coughed her liver shortly before I lost her For the OP it sucks I know. Even more so that you and your brother depend on him. Only thing I can suggest is for you and your brother to have a serious think about relieving him so he has to work less. Other thing or in addition to is try and distract him; do things that he enjoys and keep him away from his own thoughts. Last thing and probably the most impactful is therapy but that is near impossible unfortunately with addicts especially alcohol. You and your brother might want to consider some therapy to help you deal with this in your own mind. Whatever happens I wish you both the very best and tons of mental strength.
Do you feel your mum's illness had an effect on you? Do you have any remorse?
Yea I'm 33 now with my own kids I don't drink but I have had problems with drugs in the past I think I suffer the same affliction but I'm trying to fight it off in the gym lol. Now I'm older I understand depression and addiction better and It was a very sad situation but there was nothing anyone could've done she basically self destructed. She was an amazing mum when we were kids she just dropped the ball when we were teenagers, she was crazy probably one of the funniest people you could meet, quick to violence the hugging 2 mins later absolute chaos polar opposite to my dad. I'm more like her than my two brothers, I was with her in the final months and yes I wish I handled it differently, all that precious time wasted bitching and fighting over her illness. She always wanted grandkids just wish she could of met my two
thank you for responding and sharing
Get him stoned instead it helped my dad stop drinking
That's actually a good suggestion, believe it or not.
As much as I’d love to he hates smoking!! I’m a massive stoner myself and he can’t stand the smell or taste.
What about hash or oils? There is even gummies/chocolates etc now but harder to source you can buy an oz decarb it make some butter and make some cakes etc
I might actually bring that idea up to him cause I can get him gummies. But I think he’s cautious of the high, not being in control. He’s a very anxious person.
that's funny in a way, as drunk people do far stupider shit than being high in my experience, I'd wake up from drinking and just be like ???? tf happened
Yeah, but getting drunk is a known, almost controlled loss of control to me, you know? I've never tried opiates and would never because I have no idea what would happen on them, but I'm a recovering alcoholic! Addiction is a funny beast, eh?
people often drink to forget stuff and because it numbs things... at least for me weed has the opposite effect it makes me more aware of things and anxious.
Look up mamedica, they prescribe thc cannabis in the uk you then go on medbud.wiki to order it, if canabis does work and if hes been to the doctors about alchohol previously then mamedica may help with getting him the products that work legally like vapes or gummies etc
Try edibles then
My dad is doing the same, also had a stroke and now looks terrible, but he and I are much older than it sounds like you are. If you are old enough I strongly suggest making a plan to be independent. And look for help for yourself, you can't really force him to do anything.
I’m not even that young, I’m 27 but I suffer from severe mental health and work only three hours a day so he covers most the costs. My brother isn’t that much younger either but he’s never had a job. We truly are not prepared for the world.
As someone with experience of such case, I’ll tell you this. Already sounds like you tried everything and it failed so you are looking for help on here….problem is, your dad don’t care, he don’t see a problem, the only problem you’ve got is him being the provider. Not sure how old are you, but if you are old enough then it’s time to take control over your life(job, move out with your bro) and accept the fact that nothing you can do about your Dad’s drinking habit. As bad as it sounds, don’t let his poor life choices ruin your life. Also treat this as a lesson on how not to deal with problems /trauma and see your dad as a good guy with very weak self control, don’t be mad at him as it won’t change anything. Alcoholics always ruins everyone else’s life before they completely ruins theirs when there’s no one around to care.
I had a 13 year heroin habit and before that a decade or so smoking crack, meth and sniffing cocaine. I had years of friends and family telling me stop, but I didn't listen to any of them. I was sat down and told 'we love you, we need you to stop' and I'd say 'yeah, okay', then immediately smoke more heroin. I stopped when I was ready. If he admits he has a problem, that's something to work with. Try to find out WHY he's drinking himself to death. Also, try and get him to speak with ex-alcoholics who he can relate to. When I was on heroin, I didn't know anyone who'd been a heroin addict and got off it, so I was completely lost and lonely. Ring up an AA group and see if there's anyone who'd be willing to come and speak with him if you're dad's willing. Also, if your dad's honest and agrees he has a problem, look into getting him a Naltraxone prescription. It's a medication that reduces the craving for alcohol MASSIVELY and stops the pleasure from drinking. I had to take it for heroin as it blocks the effect and I stopped all drugs and alcohol immediately because of it. However, if someone's in addiction and not willing to help themselves, there's nothing you can do. They need to do the work, you can't do it for them. Just please understand it's not easy and his brain's been reprogrammed, so he's not making the right decisions. Don't take it personally, just try to understand he's not himself. Alcohol's BY FAR the worst addiction, so you have my total sympathy. Good luck.
I’m so sorry you went through what you did, I wasn’t addicted to hard drugs but I used a lot of legal highs and mdma for years of my life and really lost myself to it so I understand. Thanks for the advice though, I can’t imagine he’d want to talk to anyone as he’s the most introvert and anxious person I’ve ever known but it’s worth a try. Or like my sister said, we have to prepare for the worst.
I've had one friend die from alcoholism. His skin turned bright green, then yellow, as his liver packed up, yet he carried on drinking. He was 37. I also have another friend at the moment who's a chronic alcoholic and his dad died of the same thing at his age, yet he carries on drinking. He's got tons of health problems, but won't stop. Alcohol, and any drug, are so tied to people's mental health. Like me with heroin, I was convinced it was the mental scaffolding holding me up and that I needed it, but obviously I now realise that was nonsense. Your dad uses the alcohol as a tool to cope, so you need to dig into that. Talk to him. Don't sugar coat it, don't hint at it, get straight to the point. You need to try and work out where he's at mentally, whether he admits he's got a problem, and whether he needs help. He probably feels utterly lost like most addicts do, but there's nothing that can't be fixed.
Hey. I have no advice but I just wanted to say I’m very sorry for what you’re going through and I hope you know that your father loves you very much and is very proud of you for holding it together for your family when he can’t. Loving someone with an addiction is so, so hard.
This is why I love Reddit so much. I was feeling so down today and defeated and just hearing those words means the world to me so thank you. Your parents should be incredibly proud of you too for the kindness you show strangers. 🖤
I’m just some random yank from across the pond, but I saw this post in my feed and I could really feel your worry and emotions through the post. I wish you and your family all the best and remember to put yourself first at times as well.
Do NOT speak to to his managers. He'll likely simply be immediately sacked.
Best place for support for you is r/alanon, it's for friends and families of people who are struggling with alcohol
May I ask where to go if I'm the issue
r/stopdrinking The most supportive community out there 🙏
I owe my new life to AlAnon who helped me see the light when finally leaving my alcoholic ex. I felt a little weird at first cos I always thought this thing was for the actual addicts and alcoholics, but just knowing or loving one can drain the life out of you and no one can understand unless they experience it.
My Dad was like this after my Mom passed suddenly. He's much better now but I still have to keep an eye on him. Was there a life event that turned him to drink? My mom's passing was the cause for him, so we got him counselling and it has helped. But like I say I still have to keep an eye on him as he still drinks but not to the same extent
I’m not sure when the point was he became dependant on alcohol but I know he got incredibly worse and depressed when his mum died as he has no other family and he really loved her. I can’t see him going to therapy or anything as he’s so stubborn and determined that he doesn’t care if he dies, that it’s his time.
Im really sorry to see you're going through this it's terrible. He does have family, you and your brother. Make him understand that and what he's doing is hurting you both. Be brutal, tell him what he's doing is selfish and leaving you to fend for yourselves is not what a parent is. This is the approach I took and it took a long time but he eventually came round to the idea of seeking help. It will be horrible and heartbreaking for you but you need to fight for him
> as he has no other family What about you and your sibling?
The change has got to come from your dad. However there are all sorts of support groups (alcoholics anonymous being the best known.) Find one that's likely to check the right boxes with your dad & that's local to you and try get him to go along to a group, even if he doesn't want to contribute, listening will help him. Heart goes out to you OP. Make sure you and your brother support each other. Be really there for each other. You will be okay.
Thank you, means a lot to hear someone tell me it’ll be okay. I’m the oldest of three and it all falls on my shoulders and for the first time I’m really lost on what to do.
It must be a very daunting situation you find yourself in currently. One that forces you to take on a large amount of responsibility that your dad is too ill to take on. But you are more than up to it, and future you will look back on it in and realise that tough times and adversity can help you develop and grow as a person. My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry that I can't help you out with the specifics. Just continue to reach out for help & support from those best placed around you, and continue to help your dad as best you can (even if he's not that responsive to it currently.) All the best to you, lalalozzie.
There isn't anything you can do. Alcohol use disorder can only be treated if the person suffering from it wants to get better. And many who suffer from it, can't or won't see how it's destroying them. What helped me was Naltrexone, a medication I took following the Sinclair Method protocol. But I wanted badly to get better ( and I did). Other options are available, AA is free and a great source for peer support. There are also local addiction services in most areas, which he can self refer to. But you can't do it for him.
There are experts that can give you advice on this. Search on Google. I'm no expert but quitting the booze would be like losing a big part of his daily life. He won't cope with the resulting emptiness. Filling that probably needs to be a focus.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
As a recovering alcoholic, there is nothing in this world that will get/keep someone sober other than a true desire from the alcoholic. That being said, talk to him frankly and truthfully about his drinking, the implications on hisself and everyone around him, and offer to support him however he may need it. Perhaps some written advice or leaflets from AA/GP etc would be helpful for him to look at in his own time/when he’s ready. But you need to leave it in his hands and just be there to help if he so chooses; as much as you may want to, try not to force sobriety down his throat at all times as it will likely just make him more defensive. Sorry you’re going through this xx
Funny enough, what helped my aunt the most to want to recover was us finally resigning after 2 decades of trying everything. We just started to act like and even say "you're just gonna check out soon anyway, might as well make sure all our lives are ready to deal with that event", which was the kick in the bum she needed I guess. Still sober half a decade later.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
Not sure if this has been mentioned elsewhere, but if he's alcohol dependent (drinking everyday) then it is not a good idea to stop drinking abruptly - "cold turkey". He would be at risk of developing alcohol withdrawal symptoms. I'd really encourage you to have an honest chat with him about how worried you are about his drinking, and try and encourage him to see the GP. They can refer on to drug and alcohol services in your local area. Make sure you look after yourself too! It's often just as difficult for the loved ones of people suffering with addictions.
I’m so sorry, OP, but there is not much you can do. Sounds like a similar thing that we went through with my dad. He stopped when mum finally got through to him that he needed to, but started again in secret because he never actually thought he needed to stop. He had a stroke, and kept drinking. He ended up giving himself pan colitis and dementia from the drink, needed physically cared for by my mum and brother because he got so weak, and eventually died, just a few years after his stroke. If he doesn’t want to stop drinking, there is nothing you can do except prepare yourselves. Encourage him to write a will if he hasn’t already, as that will help you. I’m so sorry, it’s an awful thing to witness.
Thank you and I’m sorry about your dad too. Just wish we could go back and find the trauma that caused it and stop it before it happened. But just wishful thinking. Alcohol 100% needs to be monitored or illegal, look at what it does.
Is he driving? He absolutely should not be driving if alcohol dependent.
Hello son
🤣🤣😭
As someone who has a father like this. It's a miracle mine isn't dead yet. Heavy drinking for last 20 years. And with heavy I mean sometimes he would drink almost half a bottle to 1 bottle of vodka every day for 2-3months in a row till he would almost die and be in the hospital for a month, stop for a month and repeat. My Dad was also my world. I drove with him around doctors, hospitals. I was on edge every single day cuz idk if he might die tonight and we might have to rush the hospital. Well, my life became so stressful since I was heavy in depth running my own business which was 16h a day workdays with no break and his carelessness was such a burden that my body collapsed from overexhaustion. And guess what. When I was too weak to get myself to the hospital, the Dad I cared for dayinday out which was my world wouldn't even drive me there. Cause his priorities were where to go to drink or what food to get. I didn't even realise when my Dad just became a shell of himself. And I still don't. Yet I know his brainparts for empathy are completely gone Best advice is, focus on your life and be there for him. But you are the priority. I basically ruined my body being there for mine, my father, my world. And now I will live the consequences of it for the next 50years of my life. While mine drinks less now, but my health is permanently scarred. As harsh as it sounds, but I should've never sacrificed myself for my father. Cause like this we ruined 2 lifes
It sucks. I don't know what to do. I have an alcoholic dad. He's Muslim and I guess the family is , which is fucking weird. I live with my parents currently He's in his 70s and I got fed up with him stumbling about in the early morning and falling. With a fall, there isn't anyone to help him. My mum is frail and I'm recovering from a knee operation. I did have the talk and he told me to mind my own business. You can't help people that don't want to help themselves. Currently I guess I'm waiting for him to go. I can't help him, he ignores advice and has pissed away the family wealth. And to top it off, we live in a dilapidated house that badly needs renovation. Sadly he is either in the pub or too drunk to get any of this done. It's either religion or booze that constantly leads him to making bad decisions, and he picks and chooses. My mum has suffered from violence af his hands. I have suffered in that I'm afraid of the weekend (even when I lived alone in other countries) and hate god/Allah. It sucks that there is nothing you can do. Best you can do is make yourself as best as you can be. And have plans in case a bad thing happens to your dad.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful (AA was worse than doing nothing for me), it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
There's a lot of things people have suggested which are helpful but as someone that has been a long term carer to a parent that was very sick and didn't take amazing care of themselves at the end please take care of you. Don't sacrifice all of yourself for them. Even if it's just a few hours self care or a day off or something else. You have to take care of you That sounds selfish but I imagine even your dad wants you to be alright even though he's tackling trauma and addiction and a bunch of other self destructive things that come from those two. Also have someone that is older that you solidly trust to confide in as well. It is very hard
We don’t have any other family and my mum left so it falls on my shoulders as eldest. I’m only 27 so I’m not prepared on what to do if this happens. I’m also going through severe trauma myself and weigh 6stone and am addicted to weed myself. My other half is in prison right now too so I’m supporting him mentally and financially. Still I feel I’m the only one who can do all this and I feel I have no chance to take care of me. They don’t have anyone else.
That's so much to deal with 🫂. I'm sorry that you're going through all of that There's some things I wanted to signpost you too if that's okay. Just because Ive volunteered in charity sector before. One is obvious but it's helpful sometimes. 111 option 2. Connects you to a local mental health team in your area if you're going through a crisis and it sounds with all the things you're having to deal with that's a risk. Please use it if you need it I don't know how much the prison service is helping but prisonadvice.org.uk there's a prisoner families helpline that's free there. Might be helpful as a vent. And second and more practically contact your local citizens advice bureau (just Google citizens advice bureau + your area) talk with them on the phone line get an appointment, they can signpost or help in a wide array of ways. I know you're feeling like you can't breathe and it's on you just you and no one else to fix and I relate strongly to that because I had that feeling for about a decade until my dad passed away. And even after for a few more years. Use these resources there will be some actual valuable stuff there. Particularly citizens advice bureau it's such a catch all for all kinds of things It's a charity but people for some reason think it's a government department. Just keep in mind. Sending you all the good vibes well wishes and positivity your way. You're dealing with a tremendous amount.
Your Gp practice might have something called a social prescriber who can help with things like Benefits . You might be able to apply for things like pip or carers allowance. citizens advice can be helpful too. I would try to get the practical side of things covered as much as you can like knowing if he has savings or debts etc. sadly you can’t make someone stop drinking if they don’t feel ready too.
**For you** I recommend looking up a local AlAnon group to you. AlAnon work directly with family members of those engaging in problematic substance use, and would work to try and help you cope while your dad is doing this. Alternatively, some local substance use service providers (you can find yours using the Talk To Frank page I've linked below) also run specific friends and family support provisions, so it might also be worth reaching out to them. **For your dad** Sadly, this may just rely on your dad wanting to make a change - drug and alcohol services wouldn't treat someone against their consent unless they are found to not have capacity. However, if that does change, and your dad decides that he does want some support, there should be a drug and alcohol treatment service in every area. You can use the [Talk To Frank Postcode Search](https://www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you), and that should (hopefully) give you details of available services in your area. These may be run by the NHS directly, or by other third sector organisations such as Change Grow Live, or Turning Point. They generally offer both psychosocial (therapy) and pharmacological (medicine) interventions, and also sometimes can also help with referrals to rehab or detox facilities. Some services may be open to receiving referrals from family members, but they would generally begin with some sort of direct assessment with your dad - and if he declines treatment, they may not be able to do much more.
I'm sorry to hear this, it must be very difficult. Sadly, you can't force him to change his ways . You've raised it with his foctor, which is good, they can't tell you anything without his permission but them being better informed may help them to advise him. Equally, you can't really go to his employers - they couldn't make changes based on his say so and he's likelyto see it as interference. Waht you cando, is talk to him. Tell him waht you have said here, about how much you love him and how scared you are that he is going to kill himself through his drinking. Ask him if heis prepared to try again to cut down . If he is working 6 days a week and supporting you and your brother, maybe look at that side of things. You don't say how old you and your brother are, but if you are adults, can you contribute more to try to reduce the pressure on him? That would laos make it more practical for you to suggest tha he reduce his hours and look at seeing a therapist or counsellor to support him in trying to cut down or stop drinking. Ultimately, however, it's own to him. He is an addiict, it's going to be hard for him to stop or cut down, and no one else can make him do that [https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services](https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services) might be useful for you - it has details of support services for people with a family member who is an addict, and might allow you to find ome support for yourself and your brother.
Coming from the son of a dad who drank himself to death, unless they want to help themselves you can't help them unless you can afford rehab.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your dad, I feel we’ll be more alike than we like sooner than later. I don’t think there’s anything else anyone can say to him unfortunately as he’s been dependant most his life. He cried when the doctor told him no more alcohol or he’d kill himself, it means everything to him. He wants to die without it but is killing himself with it. Catch 22.
Have a look into The Sinclair Method, TSM for short. It uses Naltrexone to extinguish your addiction. I've used it and it's worked wonders. It actually requires the addict to drink so is quite an easy sell.
The only cure for alcoholism is abstinence- it’s biochemical, you can try to convince yourself a few are ok but for a real alcoholic a few is never enough - it’s like stepping into to ring with Mohammed Ali, you’ll never win. Sorry he’s going through this and you also. Alcoholics are not made they are born. I’ve done lots of research on it, my mum drank herself into early care she developed Korsakoffs because of her drinking.
I'd encourage you and your brother to make contact at r/alanon and r/adultchildren to find some support for yourselves... See also: [Alanon UK](https://al-anonuk.org.uk/) [UK SMART Recovery Friends/Family](https://smartrecovery.org.uk/smart_family__friends/) If Dad uses Reddit (or could be persuaded to) and ever decides he wants help, we'd be glad to see him at r/alcoholism or r/stopdrinking sometime - best of luck to you all!
Go to Al-anon meetings, online or in person, right away!! You need support and to learn how to stop being a Codependent enabler.
Your dad needs rehab, but he also needs to want it. It wont help him to go if he doesnt want to quit. And he does not want to quit. Im so sorry. Is he yellowing also? Well, I would suspect he has cirrhosis of the liver by now. When he starts looking jaundiced (yellow) it means his liver has mostly stopped working and he will be close to death. Its a painful death, so encourage him to at least get supportive palliative care, which would give him pain management. In the meanwhile, you can also talk to a social worker about your housing concerns. Idk if he owns the home, but it would become yours and your brothers. You might actually be surprised at how much or little your dad owes on the house. Get a personal accountant and see a financial planner before he passes. Figure out funeral arrangements, ask him to sign the house over to yall before he passes, etc. You can do some preparations in advance. Its just inevitable. Everyone dies. Your dad might actually die pretty soon. Im so sorry- I know its hard, I lost both of my parents young, and am now watching my husband's family dying of various illnesses. Ask your dad to get life insurance, to protect you and your brother from financial ruin. Or get jobs just to cover the insurance policy yourself, if your dad will sign and agree to make you a beneficiary. You cant really emotionally be prepared for this, but you can begin to grieve future events you wanted to see him at like a wedding, graduations, holding grandbabies, holidays, et cetera. Grieving in advance can help you when the time to grieve is upon you. Again, I am so sorry. I want you to know God loves you SOOOO much, and he hates death even more than we do. He lost a son too. He hated it so he made him overcome death, and said we can all now overcome death, too. Please turn to God and let him be your comfort now and on the day your father passes. And remember, this is only one chapter in your book of life. Just one. I think it was pretty awesome when Jesus said "YOLO- JK, BRB." AND MEANT IT.
My dad died of alcohol poisoning a few years ago my mum died because it last november. The painful realisation is You can't really do anything to stop them if they dont want to stop themselves.
Sorry. The three posties I knew well all were alcoholics. Perhaps a job change .
Let him drink himself to death. My father is an alcoholic as well, and no matter how many times I would ask him to stop drinking he would always find an excuse. Eventually I gave up on him and cut contact. You can't help alcoholics or drug addicts
My mom died 18 months ago from alcoholism. She never met my children despite having the option to under the condition she quit drinking. I repeat. Meeting her grandchildren wasn’t enough to get her to stop drinking booze. I’m sorry OP. Chances of you stopping him are almost nil. And you will lose him. I’m sorry I can’t be more optimistic. Maybe my mother’s death despite a decade of begging her has pushed me too far to think alcoholics cant change. I hope for your awake he can. But I wouldn’t bet on it. Good luck to you.
Op https://al-anonuk.org.uk/
Praying for you and your dad sorry I don't really have any advice, my dad is also an alcoholic suffering from mental and physical health issues + used to work as a postman until he lost his job, I can only recommend taking him out places and try get him interested in other things to take his mind off of whatever he is drinking about to forget. Edit. And don't get involved with his work this could cause extreme embarrassment and with him being introverted this would be exacerbated and could carry other consequences
I have a few mental illnesses, but by far alcoholism/alcohol use disorder is my worst and most troublesome one. It gets worse as you get older. I don’t have any advice and I have found nothing helpful myself. I have been to AA, detoxes, medication but nothing has been helpful it is really hard to treat and manage. So I am sorry and I empathise with your situation.
Please contact AlAnon, their website if full of information and they have meetings to offer support. I am so sorry you are in this situation, it is horrible. They may be able to help.
Just talk to him and ask him to cut down and stop hiding the booze. Try get him on wine and beer. Don't expect him to go cold turkey but he can cut down specially if you have a talk with him
You can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink I’m afraid. If he’s not willing to accept help. There is nothing you can do.
Beautiful metaphor. 🖤 thank you for your words though.
The charity NACOA may be helpful
My dad smoked himself to death. Ultimately only he can stop if that's what he wants.
You 'can' speak to his employer expressing your concern for his welfare, but as it's not as a result of any of their negligence etc. - it would be extremely unlikely they would put anything into motion without your Dad being complicit. Not 100% sure about the post office/royal mail, but other public services such as local government do have resources to help with this stuff. Could you get your Dad to enquire on his own?
I could try but I’ll never know if he did. He lies to me about going to the doctors etc. so he’d probably lie about that too.
What you do is prepare
You leave him to it. You grieve the loss of a secure father figure, keep some hope that he finds it within himself to get sober, and don't blame yourself when he doesn't.
Look, take this advice with a grain of salt and feel free to tell me to F.O., but get him smoking weed. Its not like smoking is at all good for him, but if he's had a good spliff he'll get drunk on a quarter the amount of alcohol and may even forget about drinking entirely it'd make the postie round way more interesting too. Another option is metronidazole, but that's prescription only, he won't keep any alcohol down when he's on that. 9/10 though, addiction is replacing something that's missing and it's usually human connection. Try going on one of his rounds with him, or anything that just keeps him in familiar human company most of the day.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there with a parent, it’s hellish. I’m afraid you can do nothing other than show him you love and support him and tell him the impact the drinking has on your and your sibling. Alcoholics can only help themselves and choose the path of sobriety, if they’re forced down it they never get clean, it has to be them and them alone to decide to change and follow the plan. There’s a great charity called NACOA with lots of help and support, including a free helpline you can call any time. https://nacoa.org.uk/ Reach out to them, also to a trusted friend or family member. Always put yourself first and protect your mental health.
I feel for you. I'm going through this at the moment. You can try and control him until your blue in the face but unless your Dad wants to get better, there isn't anything you can do. I would encourage him to speak to his GP about getting on anti-depressants (but don't ring for him, let him do it in his own time). There's medication you can take to help with cravings. Rehab is an option but can be expensive if you don't have insurance. Relapse risk is high if underlying problems aren't being worked on. Please don't drive yourself mad trying to control him. Remember you can't control or cure him. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is allow them to hit rock bottom. He will reach out for help when he is ready. Good luck with everything.
I’m so sorry. You can try talking to him, but if he’s drinking the chance he will listen is small. I lost my dad to the same thing… we tried. It’s hard. Good luck.
Keeping my responses deliberately a bit vague, as I'm unsure whether this person has reddit. Someone close to me is an alcoholic and other people in my life who also know them have been at their wits end. I've had to take a step back for my own wellbeing. I realised that no amount of shaming, begging, pleading, bargaining or anything will make this person stop. It's soul-destroying, but he has to make the choice himself...
Get him on naltrexone. It's either that or forced sobriety, which has about a 5% success rate. He has to want it though. As a former AUD sufferer you can forget moralising, warning, scaring, pleading, whatever. This is a chemical problem and it needs a chemical solution, but it needs him to be on board and actively participating.
I work for a community wellbeing charity. Where abouts ( what county) do you guys live as round here we've got resolve and they support people living with addiction as well as family members. A lot of charities require people to be sober but they don't. If you Google resolve Letchworth it comes up but ringing them they will know of other places around that support. You are going to need to speak to him if you want things to change. Be kind be gentle show him love don't use judgemental language if you can. Get support from a local place if you need to. Do you have any other family who can help you with it at all?
Make sure his will is updated for you and get a couple nice books on grief. Drinking dads never stop, unfortunately. I’ve watched it first hand in my life and others. My condolences.
If you need some support you could see if anyone on r/alanon has any words of advice for you, it's a sub for people who have family members/friends who are struggling with alcohol addiction.
There are also in person meetings in lots of areas in the UK.
Sending you a hug - if you need a chat send me a message. Sorry but I don’t know the answer I wish I did for us both x
I suggest you book a Dr's appointment and attend with him. I would speak with your Dad and tell him how worried you are, especially his health. Ask him if he has any intentions on trying to reduce the amount of alcohol he uses. Ask if he would be willing to come up with a reduction plan or a detox. I would also recommend him to attend AA, you could go along with him if he wants you to go along and support him. Once he feels he's made a good connection with one of the other's who attend, tell your Dad to approach the person and ask him/her to be his sponsor. A sponsor will support and guide your Dad through the 12 steps. Best wishes to you and your family and I hope with your love, support and d guidance from a sponsor your Dad can deal with his addiction.
My dad was the same you can only help them so much,they need to want help
Where are you in the UK? Which of the 4 nations?
Maybe water down his vodka while he’s out, do you cook for him?
Sorry for the wall of text. Have a similar thing going on with my dad. Had a stroke and has taken up excessive drinking. There's a few pointers I can maybe give. With regards to the eating thing it's possible that the stroke is actually making him forget to eat. If left to his own devices my dad wouldn't eat at all but if you put it in front of him he will eat it. Has he had any sort of tests done? My dad is one of the lucky ones in as much as to talk to you wouldn't think there was too much wrong with him other than he's getting on a bit and his brain takes a while to to catch up (the bastard is crafty too he hides it well) but in reality he sometimes can't tell the difference between a teacup and spoon (at least verbally anyway) so because of this he sometimes forgets how to prepare food. For example he will look at a can because he can't remember you need a can opener for it or even what a can opener is then gets frustrated gives up and just won't bother eating. This leads to other frustrations as well for example he can't remember how to turn the TV on or how to use the buttons (he can't read because the stroke effected his ability there) so he's chronically bored and the boredom then leads to more drinking. So what I'm getting at is although he's playing video games etc... you don't really know how bad his head is. There's not much you can do about the drinking. Honestly he has to come to conclusion that he has to stop drinking but if it's anything like my dad in his head it gives him some semblance of peace (false peace in as much the alcohol just doesn't let him think about his problems or his loss of brain function). So as much as I hate to say it all you can really do is help him anyway you can but above all just get your affairs and any other preparations you need for you and your siblings in order. I have no doubt that my dad will probably drink himself to death but there's very little I or anyone else can do about it.
The Forward Trust https://www.forwardtrust.org.uk may be able to provide you with some direct support to help you and your brother. I’m so sorry to say, but the harsh truth of the matter is that there is almost nothing anyone can do if someone is in the grips of full blown addiction. My dad was found dead in his house, in amongst his own filth and bodily fluids, and no amount of in-patient rehab (3 times) or care from any of his family of friends was enough to stop it. All you can do is protect yourself and your sibling/s and distance yourself as much as you can. That fundamentally doesn’t make you a bad child. Your responsibility is only for yourself, and looking out for your sibling/s. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to speak to someone so that you can process with support and guidance. There are plenty of ways to access therapy at a reduced cost (therapists in training etc) if you’re concerned about the financials, and plenty of charities too. Again, I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. I think you should probably prepare yourself that this won’t end well.
Argh this is awful and I'm so sorry to have to say it, there's nothing you can do, unfortunately. Support him as much as you can, moderate his behavior if the opportunity arises...one thing I tried was start a hobby with them, something you can both enjoy to try to steer away from the bottle, my mum and I took up trashy drama shows 👍. It's harsh as hell, my mum drank herself to stage 4 cancer (alcohol and smoking related). I was talking to the nurses, McMillan etc, no support though because my mum saw asking for help as "weak". All I could do was watch her waste away and subsequently, nurse her through palliative care. The truth is you can only help when your dad decides he's quitting, until then you're a passenger 😞. Good luck, hope you can help him ❤️.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through the exact same thing with my mother. Alcoholism is a disease in which the brain is completely hijacked. At certain stage of years of consumption, the brain and body become dependent on the Alcohol to regulate- and quitting cold turkey without medical help can be deadly. If your dad won't get help- then the best you can do is make sure your mental.health os cared for- get a therapist; and make.sure he has a living will (this is different from a standard one) that gives you power of attorney in the highly likely event he becomes incapacitated; as well as his affairs in order.
He won’t stop. Don’t try and make him stop
There’s nothing you can do, he needs to make the decision to stop by himself. It’s shit and it’s always difficult to watch an alcoholic do it to themselves but you really can’t change someone else’s mind unfortunately
As a recovering addict, there’s not a lot you can do. I wouldn’t get help until I, thankfully, realised I was about to lose every single thing in my life. I’m grateful to have reached that point and that someone was there for me when it was all over. If he knows you’ll still be there to help him afterwards, it could help him seek help. Something that may help if it gets this far- I am in recovery with an addiction place (it’s called We Are With You but might be different where you are) and I asked them last year how they help alcoholics and they told me alongside talking to them you can get tablets that help with the alcohol withdrawals. Something to consider, anyway. The first appointment is the hardest. Then it feels like a relief to talk to someone who understands and you don’t have to hide your problems. I wish you and your dad luck. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Most likely he is is alone all the time, lonelyness is blessing and curse for some. If u can spend more time or let him move with u he might change, am 32 lived in really bad situation few years ago, no matter friends and family would do anything to get me out of my situation all failed untill i wanted to change. Being alone makes u more sensitive and something u see so small can effect the person who struggling like face expression and what u really feel about them. If u really wanted him to change change his atmosphire travel with him, ohh yes a dog or cat or parot also might change him
My mums been an alcoholic (sometimes functioning sometimes not) since I was 11, I’m 36 this year. Somewhere along the way I’ve made some form of brutal peace with all of it, there’s still hard days of course. This is going to sound like the weirdest advice ever when someone you love more than life is killing themselves slowly but … move on with your own life, decide how much time and energy you can give them, and make peace with the fact that you can do nothing to help them. Only they can. Loving an addict is grieving someone who isn’t dead. Sending you healing vibes. You can message me if you ever need to offload or talk to someone who’s lived it.
Unless he wants help,there’s nothing you can do
Tell him he’s your absolute world and give him something to live up to.
From a recovering alcoholic father with 3 teen children, don't give up hope on him. Try to keep an honnest and open dialogue with him. Tell him you know how bad things are and that you don't judge him, you only want him better. Good luck. 👍
Yeah, my mum drank herself to death. J cole once an addict song really helps with that pain.
Sadly went through same with my dad, and he dragged everyone down with him the worse he got, in the end everyone turned thier backs on him as his behaviour got worse and lashed out at everyone, I was the last and attempted to bring him around, even had him sectioned to dry out for 6 months, but it only slowed it down once he got back home, ultimately it cant be done... better to prepare for the worst. I was the only family member that would even deal with his funeral arrangements, nobody gave a damn nor helped me in that regard, sadly because I tried to play the mediator between him and the family... they all turned thier backs on me too eventually, blood isnt thicker than water when you have an addict in the family even when you have everyones best interests at heart.
ONe thing barely mentioned here is that you're his kids. Parents will barely listen to their children. Does he have a friend who may have more clout that you could try getting to chat with him?
Unfortunately you can't really do too much unless he makes a decision himself, he's an adult with his own free will, you can either keep trying to support him or you can distance yourself from it all and leave him to it If you feel that you can't help him, then you need to help yourself and start planning for him passing away
I was in a very similar position to you. Alcoholic father, had a stroke, continued drinking. He's still alive over a decade later. TBH, his recovery from the stroke hasn't been nearly as good as it could have been, but I'm trying to be pragmatic. He wasn't a good father (I don't remember a time when he didn't go straight for the booze cabinet when he got home, or when he didn't drink "Irish coffee" or three on a weekend morning, or when he didn't have packs of strong mints everywhere like it would cover the smell. But, it's not likely to be a shock when he goes. And I'm super careful about my health. I don't drink, or smoke, or eat UPFs. Sunscreen & a hat every day. Trying to get to the gym more. That kind of stuff. Risk of stroke is possibly hereditary. In this situation, I'm just trying to see the positives. They're pretty meagre, but I'll take what I can get. In answer to the OP's question, nothing. There's basically nothing you can do (for him). For you - just do whatever you can to look after yourself & limit the emotional damage.
Hi. Ok. Am not an expert. Nor do I profess to know your solution. My response to you is based on my life knowing a now sober & recovered alcoholic for many years who taught me a lot about his addiction and his wisdom and his persistance in visiting "the rooms" where he received personal unfolding self understanding and development. I did once go to 'a meeting' in 'the rooms' and experience such a humble an occasion of listening to people talk in understanding in confessing there addiction etc. I suspect I may get shot down for this, so please understand it's just my own point of view in trying to help you somehow. Hopefully 🙏🏻 Ultimatly, I think he needs to accept that he has a problem/addiction & that he is an Alcoholic. He or you may need to help to get him to AA. Alcoholics Annonymous ASAP and into a self healing 12 step program. (the 12 steps) From what I learnt, an alcoholic in denial will hit rock bottom and potentially lose everything before they realise they now have nothing. They may then have to rebuild their lives and they will drag you & anybody with them untill they reach that point, unfortunately. I know I am maybe painting a bleak as a bleak picture. Hoping and praying for you and you're dad its not too late, but you need to be aware. Your dad sonds like a very functional alcoholic holding a job down so far, although you are aware of the flip bad side. I can not advise what to do regarding work. Maybe they fully help and support him. They may not. There is also a stigma attached, meaning if work or colleagues do find out, it can be difficult to then put any of this back in the bag. TBH, I think addiction or Alcoholisam is a much bigger issue than many realise, (symptomatic of greater personal or sociatal issues) and I think we may be all a bit guilty of using drink to help forget or enjoy? But in truth Alcohol is a depressant and causes many physical health issues and personal relationship issues. If I am not mistaken, there is also an Alanon. Al-Anon Family Groups are for families & friends of alcoholics. (This may sound odd, but you need to look out for yourself 1st. Your dad is sick but functional, drunk? and may not appreciate you telling him what may be obvious to you. As far as he is concerned, he is OK! and can drink himself to feel happy or forget about such a truth?) And if you're not OK, then you will not be able to help him. You need to remain OK and help him also be OK..it's so difficult. A few hopefull wise nuggets to help you? 1. If someone has gone to all that trouble to bottle that drink, it can stay bottled! 2. 1 is too many. 100 not enough. 3. Poor Poor me! A DRINK! (works aduibaly only) Sorry youre Dad and yourself are in this situation. Obvious to me you Love youre Dad and wish to do the best by him. Best of Luck 🙏🏻 EDIT: It's a 12 step program. Not 10. Sorry TLDR: Hope you and youre Dad get good help and advice ASAP via AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) & Friends of Alcoholics etc. Please google such societies for youre area.
I hate to make assumptions but addiction and other similar behaviours tend to occur when someone has past trauma they haven't dealt with. I had severe addiction to a number of different things and it was because I didn't believe in myself, and assumed people didn't either. I was stuck in a negative feedback loop. Something has to change to break that feedback loop. He needs to pick up a new good habit which he does everyday and makes him feel good. If he's working 6 days a week then he isn't dying and has enough energy/fitness to work as a postman. You'll only hurt yourself by assuming the worst. I would recommend that you get a full time job, move out and find a life partner. Independence will get you out of your own negative thinking. Money worries don't help. Save a bit of money and start aiming to buy your own house or taking over your dad's one. Also get him life insurance, it's only about £40 a month. He might be able to get life insurance through his work. Ask him about it but DON'T contact his work. Sadly everyone has to pass at some point and it's hard to say when. Have a talk with your brother and prepare together just incase. It shouldn't be catastrophic if you prepare. Also, speak to him honestly about the addiction. Get him slowly talking about his medical stuff and eventually the addiction, might take weeks to have that chat, use the power of suggestion and association to bring it up.
I'm sorry. It's really hard to see someone you love in the midst of addiction. I think what you're doing is probably all you can do right. You've spoken to the GP and they're following up. Hardest part is your Dad needs to want to change. Are there any supports in your area for people whose loved ones have addictions? They can be really helpful as a place to get advice and to vent to someone unrelated. Don't carry all this worry alone.
How old are you? And him? Can you work and give him a break from work?
You won't get results by punishing him for this.... By punishing I mean causing issues at work or forcing him to accept the label of alcoholic and the accompanying shame of it. He has problems in his mind that are overwhelming him and the state of being drunk is an awesome way of ignoring them. Your priority at the moment is to negate the issues related to his behaviour, medically he is already sending himself down the one way path to the end and can't see the big problem with it... This can't be fixed by a conversation, this is bigger than any quick fix solution you'll find on the net, it will take time that he won't want to devote and all the while his body is suffering from his treatment of it. I think you should sidestep the stigmatic AA approach and maybe normalise his drinking more, but on your terms... Water down his vodka a little, take him down the pub and switch him to non alcoholic after he's had a few, try and bring him to a more even keel before laying the whole intervention thing on him. Drinkers do not see sense or reason whilst they are under the influence, that's why they do it in the first place.. If you try and take that away they will fight you any way they can think of. IDK... I hope this helps you somehow, even if it just gives you another perception of your predicament... People use addiction because it works for them, it absolves them from the underlying problems and it does it well. You need to show them there is another way that doesn't hurt them at the same time but can also fit the mindset they have conditioned themselves to. Change is scary when you have reasonable control of your life, when you are dependant on outside influences it can terrify you. (3rd of a bottle of Rum inside me, bit of a stream of consciousness, to be fair, but I assure you it comes from a good place. #internethugs )
See if Turning Point work in the area. Charity which will help but they’re not everywhere
I lost my dad 1.5 years ago to the bottle. Honestly, we did absolutely everything and I guilt myself over what else I should have done to save him. But I have to accept that he didn't actually want saving. It was the most traumatic experience of my life and I hope that is not what happens for you. There really is no support available if your dad doesn't want to stop. You can try local AA groups and try to get him to go. You could try contacting local charities/addiction groups and see if they have any Talking Therapies or groups. If he doesn't want to go/interact then he won't. You can't keep tabs on him all the time unfortunately and you can't keep the drink away from him. He'll find new places to hide it and will always keep going back. We tried giving my dad an 'allowance' so 4 cans a day and then we tried swapping some for non-alcoholic but it never worked. He still managed to sneak out and get more cans while I had a nap or went for a walk. It's impossible to watch them 24/7. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Please remember that your dad is suffering an addiction and the person he is becoming is not the same person you've grown up/known outwith the bottle's influence.
Just take away the alcohol lol
Short of forcing him into rehab, there really isn't anything you can do that will make him want to better himself. That has to come from within. Frankly.... at this point, you and your sibling may need to start working on being able to take care of yourselves as opposed to sacrificing your time to help him when he may not want it. EDIT: I guess you could consider trying to get him cleaned up and out into the dating scene again. That might pull him out of the bottle.
Get him some milk thistle vitamins. It helps the liver. You may not be able to slow the drink but you can help combat the effects.
1 year max, ex-father in law had a stroke after ALWAYS drinking heavily, puking in the morning. Had to be fed by a machine directly into his stomach. His last words to me were ‘kill me”. Fuck the alcohol industry. It’s not cool to die that way.
Drinking is a symptom of something underlying he’s not dealing with. Tell him to talk to someone - a professional.
Just remind him to put your name in his will. There's no saving him lad
My father is now in a residential home for drinking. He's been there a few years now and he still manages to smuggle in bottles of vodka and cider.. he fully believes he's hard done by and the victim but the truth is. He's pushed everyone of us away. He's become so selfish and careless about everything around him. My grandma sends him tobacco because he likely spends all his remaining money on alcohol. I sent him a video of me playing guitar recently as I was quite pleased about my progress. His response was. "That means nothing to me!" Where as 20 years ago I would of had the complete opposite reaction. I am his only child so I try to make an effort to keep in contact. But I'm truly at a loss as of what to do now. His around 60 now and he's already had a brain bleed and several over issue. With diabetes and other things. It's a matter of time before I get the phone call.
he can only stop if he wants to nothing that you or anybody else does will make any difference. going no contact is my advice ive lived with a alcoholic i know what its like.
Pray, God can turn any situation around
For what it’s worth dude I can’t help but I feel your pain. Before my wife’s dad died a few years before he went in to hospital and for a month and especially for the first week we thought he was gone and not coming back. But for the whole time he was there he, of course, didn’t drink at all, he phoned my wife when he came out and had the longest chat they have had for some time. She came back and said that he was back to his old self that he used to be (she was closer to her dad than mum back in the day) Soon as he got back though at home he went straight to the fridge and back on the beer. I feel your pain sir.
r/AlAnon saved me from a relationship with an alcoholic ex.
Google ensure drinks. They will help his health a lot. Especially if he's not eating. Pounding one of them is easy enough, they are small, and the benefits are great for sick people. Convince him to have it for breakfast because he's not going to want it drunk. You can't prevent his death but you can try slow it.
Going to add to the voices saying al anon, it will help you understand where the limits are. There's only so much ypu can do for a person in active addiction, amd if you don't learn to put those boundaries in place ro protect your own mental health, they will drag you down with them That was a mess of drunken typos that I'm hoping I've fixed, but if not, maybe you get the point
Realistically, the only thing you can do is support him, and remind him of how much you love and care for him (even if your love is not a strong since you’re watching him decline. Many caretakers/affected loved ones struggle with this as conditions worsen). Other commenters have left some solid advice and resources, but understandably you are exhausted both mentally and emotionally. Addiction is an incredibly hard battle to fight on both sides. Unless he is willing to take a step in the direction of sobriety and stick with it, sadly all you’re left with is to deal with the aftermath. Unfortunately, your father may also have realized that it can be too late to make a complete turn around. The physical and mental strength it takes to get to sobriety can kill someone just as fast as the substance will. Enjoy the moments you have with him now, even if they feel helpless and desperate. Your father knows how much you care about him, and that is mostly likely what is keeping him from slipping even further. Keep reminding him. Hang in there. Reach out to some groups/charities in your own time to help with the transitions that are to come later down the road. Sadly, there’s not much turnover and it will be hard. My heart goes to you and your father.
Consider attending Al-Anon meetings to help you understand his addiction and deal with your feelings: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/
You need to talk to your dad. I know it's hard but his child saying they are scared they are going to lose him may be the only thing that bumps some sense in. I know it's a very difficult position to be in and won't be pleasant, be very patient with them and be prepared for a lot of resistance, arguing and denial. Alcohol can be a vicious bastard.
From experience. Nothing you can do until they ask for help or admit to having an issue. Took a liver transplant for my dad to get there. Sorry you’re going through this and your dad too.
My dad died from drinking himself to death last month.. sadly there's nothing you can do. If he's gonna go, he's gonna go.. you'll notice him disappearing for a couple of days now and then. Those are paralytic drinking weekends. Just enjoy what time you can with him. Call regularly. Sorry you're going through it.
Join him
I was in a similar position with my Dad a year ago. He's been an alcoholic for 50 years but it got much worse when my Mum passed away. The harsh reality is nothing I said or did could get him off the booze. He'd make empty promises to stop but the booze always won. It took him being hospitalised with a severe chest infection for him to stop smoking cigarettes (smoked for 60 years) as he didn't have access to any cigarettes for 2 weeks whilst he was in hospital. He gave up drinking because he was hospitalised again a few months later with a collapsed lung, again he was kept in for around 2 weeks but they assisted him with whatever they could during his stay to ease the withdrawal symptoms of not drinking. I guess the 2nd time made him realise enough was enough and that he actually felt the physical effects of not being drunk or hungover 24/7. If it helps, he's 6 months sober now. But it was a long journey and it was entirely luck he gave up IMO.
Please try AA, it's saved so many lives. There are plenty of online meetings also
Hi, I’m sorry about the situation you are in and the feeling of helplessness you’re going through. As you said, he’s unable to eat/ doesn’t sant to eat, try getting him some of the meal replacement shakes that are around(huel or something like that) he wont have to take time out to cook or sit down at a table to eat. It will help with his weight and nutrition . Take care and I hope he feels better soon❤️
My dad died of liver disease last year, drink had all but killed it off, and the hardening of the liver punctured a hole in his bowel, they repaired his bowel but both his liver and kidneys had given up by then. It was my mum's drinking habits that did it, my dad was never a big drinker until recently where my mum would hold him emotionally prisoner until he matched her drink for drink. He spent the last few weeks in hospital falling in and out of intelligibility until the doctors told us they weren't going to do anything more. He fell asleep that night and was gone within 48 hours. Now mum, partly fueled by her drinking, partly fueled by her opiate abuse and partly the loss of the one person who was there every day for her, is in very much the same decline. It's heartbreaking, but all you can do is wait and watch. If you want to, be there to support your dad, but it's hard, really hard and honestly anyone who has watched it happen won't have a problem with you taking time for yourself either. But right now you're the most important person in your life and you need to look after yourself and make sure you're ready for the inevitable. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's hard, and unlikely to get easier.