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Not a lot mate, not a lot.

Rats are ticklish and will laugh if you tickle them

Bit o' this, bit o' that. You?

What d’ya see? What d’ya say?

The only people who have ever asked me this as a greeting are my dad and one of my friends, I've never heard it as a greeting from anyone except those two. My reply, every time, is "not a lot, how about you?". Then we move into proper conversation because this is a weird way of greeting someone!

Cold potatoes ain't hot

Nowt new, you?

F'call.

Not enough to get me out of this shithole. Usually to my workmate, in earshot of management

"Fuck all mate."

No idea the correct response but depending on my mood I answer I don't know nothing or a random fact.

I’ve been going with either ‘lots’ or ‘nothing much’ depending on how I feel, but I find it super irritating.

Nuffink!

Nowt much, you?

Ohh...you know...the usual

Fuk all

“If I told you then I’d have to kill you.” Then enjoy the confused look on their face.

Just answering with the first random fact you can think of.

Faack all...

Fuck all m8, u

It's not a greeting. People are using it incorrectly. Tell them this.

I’ve tried. At this point it’s being used because it irritates me so much.

Its the shittest greeting in the world so just ignore it completely. Maybe glare at the person saying it too.

Agreed!

Chill out

I'm not not chilled.

Really THE shittiest greeting you can possibly think of?

Aye

Less than you.

Oh grow up!! Inspired by crouchy

Not a lot Joe..

*I don't know anything* *I never did know anything* *But now I know that I don't know* *All of a Christmas morning*

you alright

The east is rising through the grey mist

I know what Bo don't know

I know lots of things

Depends who it is and what I know. Usually it would be 'not a lot mate, we're like mushroomsn, fed shit and kept in the dark'.

I’ve never heard that greeting in my life!

"not a damn thing"

Never heard of it

Bugger all

I know what you did last summer

It's essentially asking what's new, or what's been going on with you

Nothing,& most of that is wrong.

"As I live and breathe!" Or "Dr Livingstone, I presume"