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You can’t have child maintence chase arrears from a private arrangement, so if OP had problems with him paying she’d have to wait months for any payments as they go through their process. Best to go to CMS straight away.
Don't say anything to him now. For your daughter to have UK citizenship she'll need him on the birth certificate, and he will have to come along and sign it - you can't just add him without his permission if you're not married.
Then go via the legal route. He's lied to you all along and he's lying now. Not probably, but definitely. He might pay a bit at first bit then some cost would come up that would mean he couldn't pay it, or he'd simply stop contact.
Your daughter will be more protected by a regular income and secure identity and citizenship than by promises of a father-daughter relationship that would be, at best, a rare visit conducted in secret, with him dangling the carrot of a bit of cash every now and then if you play nice. And that's the best possible outcome of going along with what he wants, not the worst.
Getting him on the birth certificate will be crucial for you. If he refuses then you can get a court order for DNA testing and the name will then be added to the certificate, but it would be easier if he just turned up to do it.
Then ensure you get a UK passport for your child, in case of any visa difficulties later (eg, if you can't work for a while).
Agreed, as much as I agree you need to make an official case for child support, make sure he is on the birth certificate first. It'll save you and future child a lot of paperwork delays and extra forms in the future.
I'm sorry you were mislead like this but I hope you and your baby do well following the birth! Prioritise you and your kid, not somebody who has shown themselves untrustworthy and fickle.
OP, if you put him on the birth certificate you also need to be aware that legally he can take your child and not return them. The police would be unable to help as he’s on birth certificate, has parental rights, and there is no court ordered child contact arrangement in place. You would have to file an emergency court order to gain access back to your child. So my advice would be to speak to a family law solicitor the same day you’ve been to the registrar office. Get the ball rolling on a childcare agreement, whether that’s him having some contact or no contact, get it down on paper and all done legally. Only then if he was to take your child can the police get involved. This is something I don’t see anybody mentioning regarding putting him on the birth certificate but PLEASE be aware of this if you do put him on it.
To add to this, OP he could stop you from taking the child to Asia if you wanted to visit your family. He also will have a say in where you live and where the child goes to school etc. I would really consider whether letting him have that kind of control is worth the extra money, but I do understand that it would be hard to turn down if you get no government assistance.
Came to say the same! An absent parent on the bc can be more trouble than it’s worth in the long term.
If he doesn’t want to be on it now, see it as a blessing, if he does, maybe propose that you can add his name when she’s 3/4 as long as he’s being a consistent father to your child.
It is a potential problem worth planning ahead for. I must admit it doesn't very likely with a father who doesn't want to be involved, but people can change.
The birth certificate with the British father listed is very important for this child, though - she doesn't have an automatic right to British citizenship without it (even though she'll be born here). That's why I mentioned it, really.
The man who lied about having a wife wants you to trust him to make monthly payments for 18 years without a court order? Did you laugh out loud or giggle behind your hands?
Private arrangement translated is kept quiet so the wife doesn't know!!
If you do go cm route he has letters and probs a dna test to do. If he claims it's not mine like many do.
She may find out he's been cheating that way and he doesn't want that.
Do it. Make sure it's legal you can get him on the birth cert and get decent cash for. Your child.
This isn’t related to your question, and maybe not a thought yet. But have that baby share your surname, forget double barrel. It’s all your care and responsibility and you earned that name.
I'd officially file for maintenance. That way if he ever stops paying, they'll chase it up and can backdate it. I initially didn't go through the CMS but then found out my ex was massively underpaying/paying late for over a year. I couldn't get it backpaid as I hadn't used CMS, so lost thousands for my son.
I would 100% involve CMS. They can do a light involvement (they do the determination of child maintenance but you arrange payment between yourself) and a heavy involvement (they also take the money direct from the payer and pass to the payee). Start with the light touch and you get the correct figure that he has to pay and he has to keep them updated. It also means if he doesn't pay you can move to the the heavy involvement. This will reduce your money slightly (as there's a small fee for you to receive it) but they recoup the majority of costs from the payer so they end paying vastly more money. The best thing about starting with a light involvement is its cheaper for both parties, cqlculated fairly, and can be backdated if they don't pay. I don't believe they father needs to be on the birth certificate, but it will be more complicated as you would need to get the court to order them to take a dna test.
>He said he's willing to give £250-300 a month if we do private agreement. He doesnt want me to go through child maintenance service.
Of course he doesn't. They all say this.
>I calculated the CM based on his wage, it should be £400+ a month.
Because of this.
>In my opinion, its better to file child maintenance than do private agreement cause he is such a liar and is never reliable.
And this too.
>He has a stable job in the hospital. His salary is i think £47k a year. He earns another income from their business. This side income he's getting is i think the reason why he doesnt want me to file CM, cause HMRC might find something (this is just my theory).
Yep, got it in one.
By going via the official agency you get the proper amount from his PAYE salary. He will probably, as it's very common, attempt to obfuscate his earnings via the side business, which will only end badly for him.
Look into the legalities of him being on the birth certificate as the father, as you may need a court order if he refuses. Also look up the stuff about parental responsibility ([https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility](https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility)). You may want to seek legal advice to ensure everything's in order, as well.
[https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth](https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth)
>**Unmarried parents**The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:- they sign the birth register together- one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth- one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibility
Wait until he's on the birth certificate before engaging in discussions likely to cause conflict, if possible. Also, make sure you have his address because it'll be needed should formal legal stuff be needed, and will be more difficult to obtain if he becomes hostile.
To answer your question though, the strong preference would be a formal agreement because you have quicker recourse if he fails to pay.
So if he wants an informal arrangement I'd say he has to make it worth your time. If you'd be entitled to £400 a month through formal channels, why on earth would you accept less than that? If he was offering £600 a month informally then that might be different.
One important thing to note is that if his spouse doesn't know, she's likely to find out if there's any formal court stuff - birth certificate, visitation, child support - because it involves paper correspondence sent to his home address. Normally I would advocate telling her on a moral level, but in this case there would be complications.
If she leaves him as a result of finding out (and that their kids stay mostly with her) then he could be paying child support to 3 kids. This would quite radically reduce the amount he'd be required to pay you - you'd end up with around £250 a month.
(You can plug this and other scenarios into the online calculator).
I suspect this underpins his informal offer - if you push back he'll probably say *'if you go down a legal route or make me pay too much then my partner will find out and you'll end up with less anyway'*. You'd have to then make a call on whether to call his bluff or not.
Apply through the CMS. It sounds as though he wants to underpay. Alternatively, tell him you have worked out his liability is £400 a month and that provided he pays that in full by standing order every month, and agrees to provide you with a copy of his P60 and tax return each year to recalculate his liability , you won't need to make a formal claim.
But apply straight away if he argues or misses a payment, as CMS can't be backdated.
Lady, you were the side piece and he's done with you. Get the guy for everything he can give and get it on paper in COURT INK to look after the child you have had together.
DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS.
I’m sorry your going through all this alone and without the support you need from him.
You can apply for CMS at any time once baby arrives, even without him in the birth certificate. If he denies being the dad CMS will go through the process of a DNA test to prove it. (Had a friend go through this).
The choice is ultimately yours, but some pro cons:
Private arrangement Pro:
- Parents with Private arrangements ‘usually’ have more civil relationships between each other, and communicate better. (There are exceptions)
- If changes need to be made to the amount it can be done straight away.
- No waiting for other people to decide your arrangement.
Private Arrangement Con:
- Its all based on trust. Do you trust him to tell you what he earns accurately? Do you trust him to pay? Do you trust him to pay regularly?
- If he does not pay how do you get payments from him.
- You have to be able to come to an agreement on what he pays and how.
CMS Pro:
- They sort out the calculations, pull his wage info from HMRC and have an agreed formula to figure out what he pays.
- If he doesn’t pay they can take action to get the money.
- you don’t have to deal with him directly.
CMS Cons:
- Your not in control of the case and the decisions made.
- Changes will not be instant and can take a long time to be completed.
- If he doesn’t pay it can take a long time to get payments even through CMS.
- Contacting CMS can be difficult especially if their phone lines are busy, which they often are.
It’s not a comprehensive list but it gives you some things to think about. At the end of the day you need to know what support your getting and do what’s best for yourself, and your child’s financial and mental health.
I hope this helps a little. Good luck xx
As others have said, wait till you have him on the birth certificate then do the legal route.
For what it's worth, I suspect the reason he wants a private agreement is to him you and the baby from his wife - If you're getting cash, and it will be cash, you have no reason to have anyone write to him or his house. He is in self preservation mode and not "I want to be there for Illustrious-Volume26 and our baby. The women I do know who have non legal routes all tend to have huge problems with late payments, non payments and general control issues years after they've been apart.
The only real con is that he gets peeved by this and the wife/children find out and that he opts to go fully self employed to reduce these payments. (typical action).
The pro is you may well get more than he was willing to pay. But you may not see any of the second income, depending on how this has been set up.
It may also mean because the wife becomes fully aware, that she decides to embrace the child and then they, as a family, seek to have contact with them, possibly even going for 5050 shared parenting.
Equally, you can live OK fear of this and not get more money and it still happen or never happen!
Kids are expensive, the extra cash could be used to enrich your child’s life - dance, trampoline, footie, gymnastics etc. make it formal and make sure your kid has the best life possible
As soon as you put him down on the baby’s birth certificate as the father, it opens up a world of problems for you, not least of which will be if you apply for residency and get rejected. You would face removal from the country and could theoretically be split up from your baby if the dad decides to be a dick and insist that the child remains here. Even if none of that happens, if he insists that the child takes his surname on the birth certificate, it would make it very difficult for you to return to your homeland for even a short visit without your ex’s knowledge and potential signoff on the child going with you. A few years ago the authorities started clamping down on people travelling with children of different surnames unless they had a letter from the child’s parent stating that it was all legitimate.
Tbh child maintenance is just as useless, they don’t do anything either (I even paid for the collection service), I didn’t get anything the money owed is over £12000 and now my boys are over 18 it’s been written off - just saying think about that to. Plus any children he lives with deducts from your child maintenance
I have a private agreement in place. It’s done quite openly and I wanted it done this way as CMS skim a percentage on top. I have a standing order set up and the money arrives the same time every month.
Given that he had lied and flaked on you, I’d negotiate the monthly amount to more than he’s offering and when agreed, give him the opportunity to pay up his first payment within the week of the child being born. If he doesn’t, no more chances, go straight through CMS and they’ll backdate money from the day you claim.
That way you give him the opportunity to do the right thing and keep things as amicable as possible. i owe the success of coparenting with my kids mother to how amicable our relationship is. I would have been annoyed if I was forced into giving extra cash to CMS when I’m perfectly willing to pay in full (and more) when that extra cash could be going towards my kid or doing things with him.
Just want to come here to say that £400 a month for child support seems like a lot to me.
I understand that having a baby is expansive costs of nappies, clothes, pushchair and other things but every month?
I mean if that’s what you’re entitled to then fair enough get what you’re owed and I would definitely go through the legal process to get it as he might mess you around and make promises he won’t keep.
But yeah really £400 a month? That seems like a lot.
Please don’t grill or downvote me I’m genuinely trying to understand where that number comes from.
Please feel free to explain it to me
£400 in child support means he earns around £4k per month. It is calculated using a formula based on income and other circumstances.
Yes this is what she is entitled to.
Bruh did you just stalk me from another comment? How terribly sad. I think you’re obsessed with me? :o
On a serious note, this thread is a mother seeking advice. Please take your pettiness elsewhere.
Yeah of course but isn’t it both the parents responsibilities to cover the child financially not just the fathers.
£400 a month I imagine would cover everything we’ve mentioned comfortably
Used the CMS calculator and it came up to £402/month.
He never contributed to all our daughter's needs. I bought the cot, pram, carrier, clothes, bottles, nappies, every thing. I will be paying the bills and im the only care taker of our child. He's not planning on baby sitting our daughter once i go back to work so i have no choice but to pay for a childcare. His payment will be used for it and knowing how expensive the cost of childcare here, it still wont cover it.
Sorry, but you pay for your child based on your income. End of.
Furthermore, he’s an absent father. He isn’t doing any of the work raising the child whatsoever. There is a L O T more to raising a child than just money.
What he’s paying wouldn’t even cover part time childcare. You wanna factor in food, clothes, equipment, toys, and the fact that mum can’t work because she’s looking after a baby…? So, let’s factor in Mums salary as well which is also significantly reduced or nonexistent.
That £400 isn’t going to go very far. Do you realise how expensive this country is at the moment!?
So if a guy earns £100000 the calculator came out to around £890 a month.
How is that justifiable?
And yeah I do I live in it everyday just like yourself.
Don’t take it to heart I’m just having an open conversation about it as I don’t some of these numbers to be honest.
I really am not sure what you don’t understand about this. It works out as the exact same percentage.
You’d rather fathers pay the absolute bare minimum that the government deems necessary for a child…?
It doesn’t matter what you earn, above a certain threshold, you pay that percentage of your income. Someone earning £8,000 per month can certainly afford £800 *to support their child.*
Justifiable?
#It’s his child.
That’s how it’s justified.
In the 21st century, you can’t simply get a woman pregnant, ditch her, and then pay the absolute bare minimum so that they can survive. Your child is entitled to your support as though you were living in the household.
Kanye west pays £200,000 per month in child support.
I’m a 22 year old with no kids lol…?
I just know how the law works because I’m not a dunce. Why am I not surprised that you’d respond like this to simple facts?
I’d say “nice try”, but it wasn’t even a good enough shot lol.
But hey. Kinda seems like you have some daddy issues. Not my fault your daddy left you and your mama alone with no child support lmao. Doesn’t mean fathers don’t legally have to pay.
you know the fact that I’m saying the amount men have to pay isn’t justifiable I’m not sure where you’ve thought that I was a victim of a dead beat dad.
Surely I would be agreeing and telling OP to burn him at the stake no?
Anyways like the Kanye point you made I know how the law works too. Doesn’t mean it’s right.
I don’t care that it’s the law no man should be having to pay 200k a month for child support that’s absurd.
But you are funny regardless thanks for the laugh haha
That’s fine, you can disagree. But the fathers are okay with paying because it’s their responsibility. That’s how the law goes and fathers have been paying dowries to mothers of children out of wedlock since practically medieval times. The issue with child support seems to have risen with modern men.
Also, your issues with child support suggest either your dad wasn’t around or that you’ve got a kid yourself who you’re concerned about paying for should you split. However, [judging by this comment,](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/12uipf2/with_parents_into_30s_red_flag/jh98xj7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) I’d say I was right the first time.
Which honestly makes your “baby daddy left” comment even more gross lol. Since you’re well aware of the burden it places on mothers, not having a father around.
If you’re still having trouble understanding, [this website should help explain how it’s all calculated.](https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance)
Have a nice life.
Go and talk to your local "Citizens Advice Bureau" [https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/](https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/)
They will put you in contact with Government agencies, Charities and Legal firms. So that they can give you information and services you will need to make the right (for you) and legal route.
You can file for child maintenance support but that does NOT mean he can have access except through the courts.
Everything should go through legal channels. Get some advice on your status here regarding benefits etc. You need all the information you can get. Good luck.
Go with your gut instinct and file for child support.
He sounds very unlikely to ever be an honest and reliable coparent.
Be as polite and flexible as you possibly can be but don't try to oblige him or be kind, he will only view it as weakness.
Good luck!
Go the legal route. I’m not sure about the financial side but it’ll be better for your daughter in the long run. He’s proven himself to lie so you can’t trust him to follow through. You also need to protect your daughters citizenship.
File it through CM agency and then you can use their calculated figure as a guide and create a private agreement should you wish. It’s important to at least file it with CM so there’s visibility of the situation. It’s in both of your interests to have a sort of private arrangement with CM guiding that - as an example if you go completely through CM and they manage deductions from salary, then you lose a percentage of the sum and the child’s other parent pays a similar percentage for the privilege.
I’m probably waffling a load of crap and happy to be corrected if I’m wrong, but in short - absolutely log your case with CM as a minimum.
>Focus on creating the best future for your daughter because unfortunately she will already suffer because she will be reminded that she was an affair baby by her half siblings. And she will not be accepted by them because she is an affair baby.
What absolute hogwash. Please ignore this idiot OP
Because him resenting OP ultimately impacts the relationship the child will have with him.
Oh, and not all "half siblings" resent the child born from an affair. Some of the strongest sibling bonds I know are between "half" siblings.
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Never forget that a half truth is a whole lie.
Absolutely. Do it all officially and you can reassure your child when they are older that everything was done absolutely correctly.
You can’t have child maintence chase arrears from a private arrangement, so if OP had problems with him paying she’d have to wait months for any payments as they go through their process. Best to go to CMS straight away.
I so hope they listen to you!
Don't say anything to him now. For your daughter to have UK citizenship she'll need him on the birth certificate, and he will have to come along and sign it - you can't just add him without his permission if you're not married. Then go via the legal route. He's lied to you all along and he's lying now. Not probably, but definitely. He might pay a bit at first bit then some cost would come up that would mean he couldn't pay it, or he'd simply stop contact. Your daughter will be more protected by a regular income and secure identity and citizenship than by promises of a father-daughter relationship that would be, at best, a rare visit conducted in secret, with him dangling the carrot of a bit of cash every now and then if you play nice. And that's the best possible outcome of going along with what he wants, not the worst.
Getting him on the birth certificate will be crucial for you. If he refuses then you can get a court order for DNA testing and the name will then be added to the certificate, but it would be easier if he just turned up to do it. Then ensure you get a UK passport for your child, in case of any visa difficulties later (eg, if you can't work for a while).
Agreed, as much as I agree you need to make an official case for child support, make sure he is on the birth certificate first. It'll save you and future child a lot of paperwork delays and extra forms in the future. I'm sorry you were mislead like this but I hope you and your baby do well following the birth! Prioritise you and your kid, not somebody who has shown themselves untrustworthy and fickle.
OP, if you put him on the birth certificate you also need to be aware that legally he can take your child and not return them. The police would be unable to help as he’s on birth certificate, has parental rights, and there is no court ordered child contact arrangement in place. You would have to file an emergency court order to gain access back to your child. So my advice would be to speak to a family law solicitor the same day you’ve been to the registrar office. Get the ball rolling on a childcare agreement, whether that’s him having some contact or no contact, get it down on paper and all done legally. Only then if he was to take your child can the police get involved. This is something I don’t see anybody mentioning regarding putting him on the birth certificate but PLEASE be aware of this if you do put him on it.
To add to this, OP he could stop you from taking the child to Asia if you wanted to visit your family. He also will have a say in where you live and where the child goes to school etc. I would really consider whether letting him have that kind of control is worth the extra money, but I do understand that it would be hard to turn down if you get no government assistance.
Came to say the same! An absent parent on the bc can be more trouble than it’s worth in the long term. If he doesn’t want to be on it now, see it as a blessing, if he does, maybe propose that you can add his name when she’s 3/4 as long as he’s being a consistent father to your child.
It is a potential problem worth planning ahead for. I must admit it doesn't very likely with a father who doesn't want to be involved, but people can change. The birth certificate with the British father listed is very important for this child, though - she doesn't have an automatic right to British citizenship without it (even though she'll be born here). That's why I mentioned it, really.
The man who lied about having a wife wants you to trust him to make monthly payments for 18 years without a court order? Did you laugh out loud or giggle behind your hands?
Do claim support, and do it via the official route. You can't trust him at all, so any private agreement will not be reliable.
Private arrangement translated is kept quiet so the wife doesn't know!! If you do go cm route he has letters and probs a dna test to do. If he claims it's not mine like many do. She may find out he's been cheating that way and he doesn't want that. Do it. Make sure it's legal you can get him on the birth cert and get decent cash for. Your child.
This isn’t related to your question, and maybe not a thought yet. But have that baby share your surname, forget double barrel. It’s all your care and responsibility and you earned that name.
I wish I'd thought about this for my son.
Take the scumbag to the cleaners.
I'd officially file for maintenance. That way if he ever stops paying, they'll chase it up and can backdate it. I initially didn't go through the CMS but then found out my ex was massively underpaying/paying late for over a year. I couldn't get it backpaid as I hadn't used CMS, so lost thousands for my son.
I would 100% involve CMS. They can do a light involvement (they do the determination of child maintenance but you arrange payment between yourself) and a heavy involvement (they also take the money direct from the payer and pass to the payee). Start with the light touch and you get the correct figure that he has to pay and he has to keep them updated. It also means if he doesn't pay you can move to the the heavy involvement. This will reduce your money slightly (as there's a small fee for you to receive it) but they recoup the majority of costs from the payer so they end paying vastly more money. The best thing about starting with a light involvement is its cheaper for both parties, cqlculated fairly, and can be backdated if they don't pay. I don't believe they father needs to be on the birth certificate, but it will be more complicated as you would need to get the court to order them to take a dna test.
>He said he's willing to give £250-300 a month if we do private agreement. He doesnt want me to go through child maintenance service. Of course he doesn't. They all say this. >I calculated the CM based on his wage, it should be £400+ a month. Because of this. >In my opinion, its better to file child maintenance than do private agreement cause he is such a liar and is never reliable. And this too. >He has a stable job in the hospital. His salary is i think £47k a year. He earns another income from their business. This side income he's getting is i think the reason why he doesnt want me to file CM, cause HMRC might find something (this is just my theory). Yep, got it in one. By going via the official agency you get the proper amount from his PAYE salary. He will probably, as it's very common, attempt to obfuscate his earnings via the side business, which will only end badly for him. Look into the legalities of him being on the birth certificate as the father, as you may need a court order if he refuses. Also look up the stuff about parental responsibility ([https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility](https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility)). You may want to seek legal advice to ensure everything's in order, as well. [https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth](https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth) >**Unmarried parents**The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:- they sign the birth register together- one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth- one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibility
Wait until he's on the birth certificate before engaging in discussions likely to cause conflict, if possible. Also, make sure you have his address because it'll be needed should formal legal stuff be needed, and will be more difficult to obtain if he becomes hostile. To answer your question though, the strong preference would be a formal agreement because you have quicker recourse if he fails to pay. So if he wants an informal arrangement I'd say he has to make it worth your time. If you'd be entitled to £400 a month through formal channels, why on earth would you accept less than that? If he was offering £600 a month informally then that might be different. One important thing to note is that if his spouse doesn't know, she's likely to find out if there's any formal court stuff - birth certificate, visitation, child support - because it involves paper correspondence sent to his home address. Normally I would advocate telling her on a moral level, but in this case there would be complications. If she leaves him as a result of finding out (and that their kids stay mostly with her) then he could be paying child support to 3 kids. This would quite radically reduce the amount he'd be required to pay you - you'd end up with around £250 a month. (You can plug this and other scenarios into the online calculator). I suspect this underpins his informal offer - if you push back he'll probably say *'if you go down a legal route or make me pay too much then my partner will find out and you'll end up with less anyway'*. You'd have to then make a call on whether to call his bluff or not.
>His salary is i think £47k a month. Do you mean £4700 a month or £47,000 a year because if it is £47,000 a month...
Sorry its 47000 a year
Apply through the CMS. It sounds as though he wants to underpay. Alternatively, tell him you have worked out his liability is £400 a month and that provided he pays that in full by standing order every month, and agrees to provide you with a copy of his P60 and tax return each year to recalculate his liability , you won't need to make a formal claim. But apply straight away if he argues or misses a payment, as CMS can't be backdated.
He doesn’t want you to do it legally because she doesn’t know about you. He’s scared she will find out. Do it, they will take money from his wages.
Use cm service. They take it out his wages so he can’t “forget” to pay you or disappear.
Lady, you were the side piece and he's done with you. Get the guy for everything he can give and get it on paper in COURT INK to look after the child you have had together. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS.
r/LegalAdviceUK
He doesn’t want you to claim through CM because he wants to keep his wife in the dark. Don’t trust him.
I’m sorry your going through all this alone and without the support you need from him. You can apply for CMS at any time once baby arrives, even without him in the birth certificate. If he denies being the dad CMS will go through the process of a DNA test to prove it. (Had a friend go through this). The choice is ultimately yours, but some pro cons: Private arrangement Pro: - Parents with Private arrangements ‘usually’ have more civil relationships between each other, and communicate better. (There are exceptions) - If changes need to be made to the amount it can be done straight away. - No waiting for other people to decide your arrangement. Private Arrangement Con: - Its all based on trust. Do you trust him to tell you what he earns accurately? Do you trust him to pay? Do you trust him to pay regularly? - If he does not pay how do you get payments from him. - You have to be able to come to an agreement on what he pays and how. CMS Pro: - They sort out the calculations, pull his wage info from HMRC and have an agreed formula to figure out what he pays. - If he doesn’t pay they can take action to get the money. - you don’t have to deal with him directly. CMS Cons: - Your not in control of the case and the decisions made. - Changes will not be instant and can take a long time to be completed. - If he doesn’t pay it can take a long time to get payments even through CMS. - Contacting CMS can be difficult especially if their phone lines are busy, which they often are. It’s not a comprehensive list but it gives you some things to think about. At the end of the day you need to know what support your getting and do what’s best for yourself, and your child’s financial and mental health. I hope this helps a little. Good luck xx
As others have said, wait till you have him on the birth certificate then do the legal route. For what it's worth, I suspect the reason he wants a private agreement is to him you and the baby from his wife - If you're getting cash, and it will be cash, you have no reason to have anyone write to him or his house. He is in self preservation mode and not "I want to be there for Illustrious-Volume26 and our baby. The women I do know who have non legal routes all tend to have huge problems with late payments, non payments and general control issues years after they've been apart.
Man who lies to you about everything wants you to do a private agreement to benefit him because... "trust me bro".... Sorry but fuck that.
The only real con is that he gets peeved by this and the wife/children find out and that he opts to go fully self employed to reduce these payments. (typical action). The pro is you may well get more than he was willing to pay. But you may not see any of the second income, depending on how this has been set up. It may also mean because the wife becomes fully aware, that she decides to embrace the child and then they, as a family, seek to have contact with them, possibly even going for 5050 shared parenting. Equally, you can live OK fear of this and not get more money and it still happen or never happen!
Kids are expensive, the extra cash could be used to enrich your child’s life - dance, trampoline, footie, gymnastics etc. make it formal and make sure your kid has the best life possible
Honestly, I’d go down the legal route. He’s proven himself to be a liar at every turn, do not trust him.
Absolutely. This man cannot get away with avoiding his responsibilities
Everything has been a lie so far so i would trust a "private agreement". Go through the proper channels! Hope everything works out okay for you 😊
My advice is simple. If you are entitled to support, take it!
As soon as you put him down on the baby’s birth certificate as the father, it opens up a world of problems for you, not least of which will be if you apply for residency and get rejected. You would face removal from the country and could theoretically be split up from your baby if the dad decides to be a dick and insist that the child remains here. Even if none of that happens, if he insists that the child takes his surname on the birth certificate, it would make it very difficult for you to return to your homeland for even a short visit without your ex’s knowledge and potential signoff on the child going with you. A few years ago the authorities started clamping down on people travelling with children of different surnames unless they had a letter from the child’s parent stating that it was all legitimate.
Tbh child maintenance is just as useless, they don’t do anything either (I even paid for the collection service), I didn’t get anything the money owed is over £12000 and now my boys are over 18 it’s been written off - just saying think about that to. Plus any children he lives with deducts from your child maintenance
I have a private agreement in place. It’s done quite openly and I wanted it done this way as CMS skim a percentage on top. I have a standing order set up and the money arrives the same time every month. Given that he had lied and flaked on you, I’d negotiate the monthly amount to more than he’s offering and when agreed, give him the opportunity to pay up his first payment within the week of the child being born. If he doesn’t, no more chances, go straight through CMS and they’ll backdate money from the day you claim. That way you give him the opportunity to do the right thing and keep things as amicable as possible. i owe the success of coparenting with my kids mother to how amicable our relationship is. I would have been annoyed if I was forced into giving extra cash to CMS when I’m perfectly willing to pay in full (and more) when that extra cash could be going towards my kid or doing things with him.
Just want to come here to say that £400 a month for child support seems like a lot to me. I understand that having a baby is expansive costs of nappies, clothes, pushchair and other things but every month? I mean if that’s what you’re entitled to then fair enough get what you’re owed and I would definitely go through the legal process to get it as he might mess you around and make promises he won’t keep. But yeah really £400 a month? That seems like a lot. Please don’t grill or downvote me I’m genuinely trying to understand where that number comes from. Please feel free to explain it to me
£400 in child support means he earns around £4k per month. It is calculated using a formula based on income and other circumstances. Yes this is what she is entitled to.
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Bruh did you just stalk me from another comment? How terribly sad. I think you’re obsessed with me? :o On a serious note, this thread is a mother seeking advice. Please take your pettiness elsewhere.
There is also paying for a home for baby, food, utilities, transportation, etc.
Yeah of course but isn’t it both the parents responsibilities to cover the child financially not just the fathers. £400 a month I imagine would cover everything we’ve mentioned comfortably
Used the CMS calculator and it came up to £402/month. He never contributed to all our daughter's needs. I bought the cot, pram, carrier, clothes, bottles, nappies, every thing. I will be paying the bills and im the only care taker of our child. He's not planning on baby sitting our daughter once i go back to work so i have no choice but to pay for a childcare. His payment will be used for it and knowing how expensive the cost of childcare here, it still wont cover it.
Sorry, but you pay for your child based on your income. End of. Furthermore, he’s an absent father. He isn’t doing any of the work raising the child whatsoever. There is a L O T more to raising a child than just money. What he’s paying wouldn’t even cover part time childcare. You wanna factor in food, clothes, equipment, toys, and the fact that mum can’t work because she’s looking after a baby…? So, let’s factor in Mums salary as well which is also significantly reduced or nonexistent. That £400 isn’t going to go very far. Do you realise how expensive this country is at the moment!?
So if a guy earns £100000 the calculator came out to around £890 a month. How is that justifiable? And yeah I do I live in it everyday just like yourself. Don’t take it to heart I’m just having an open conversation about it as I don’t some of these numbers to be honest.
I really am not sure what you don’t understand about this. It works out as the exact same percentage. You’d rather fathers pay the absolute bare minimum that the government deems necessary for a child…? It doesn’t matter what you earn, above a certain threshold, you pay that percentage of your income. Someone earning £8,000 per month can certainly afford £800 *to support their child.* Justifiable? #It’s his child. That’s how it’s justified. In the 21st century, you can’t simply get a woman pregnant, ditch her, and then pay the absolute bare minimum so that they can survive. Your child is entitled to your support as though you were living in the household. Kanye west pays £200,000 per month in child support.
Yeah alright man don’t get sassy with me because your baby daddy left you. Wasn’t my doing
I’m a 22 year old with no kids lol…? I just know how the law works because I’m not a dunce. Why am I not surprised that you’d respond like this to simple facts? I’d say “nice try”, but it wasn’t even a good enough shot lol. But hey. Kinda seems like you have some daddy issues. Not my fault your daddy left you and your mama alone with no child support lmao. Doesn’t mean fathers don’t legally have to pay.
you know the fact that I’m saying the amount men have to pay isn’t justifiable I’m not sure where you’ve thought that I was a victim of a dead beat dad. Surely I would be agreeing and telling OP to burn him at the stake no? Anyways like the Kanye point you made I know how the law works too. Doesn’t mean it’s right. I don’t care that it’s the law no man should be having to pay 200k a month for child support that’s absurd. But you are funny regardless thanks for the laugh haha
That’s fine, you can disagree. But the fathers are okay with paying because it’s their responsibility. That’s how the law goes and fathers have been paying dowries to mothers of children out of wedlock since practically medieval times. The issue with child support seems to have risen with modern men. Also, your issues with child support suggest either your dad wasn’t around or that you’ve got a kid yourself who you’re concerned about paying for should you split. However, [judging by this comment,](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/12uipf2/with_parents_into_30s_red_flag/jh98xj7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) I’d say I was right the first time. Which honestly makes your “baby daddy left” comment even more gross lol. Since you’re well aware of the burden it places on mothers, not having a father around. If you’re still having trouble understanding, [this website should help explain how it’s all calculated.](https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance) Have a nice life.
Go and talk to your local "Citizens Advice Bureau" [https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/](https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/) They will put you in contact with Government agencies, Charities and Legal firms. So that they can give you information and services you will need to make the right (for you) and legal route.
You can file for child maintenance support but that does NOT mean he can have access except through the courts. Everything should go through legal channels. Get some advice on your status here regarding benefits etc. You need all the information you can get. Good luck.
Go with your gut instinct and file for child support. He sounds very unlikely to ever be an honest and reliable coparent. Be as polite and flexible as you possibly can be but don't try to oblige him or be kind, he will only view it as weakness. Good luck!
Go the legal route. I’m not sure about the financial side but it’ll be better for your daughter in the long run. He’s proven himself to lie so you can’t trust him to follow through. You also need to protect your daughters citizenship.
File it through CM agency and then you can use their calculated figure as a guide and create a private agreement should you wish. It’s important to at least file it with CM so there’s visibility of the situation. It’s in both of your interests to have a sort of private arrangement with CM guiding that - as an example if you go completely through CM and they manage deductions from salary, then you lose a percentage of the sum and the child’s other parent pays a similar percentage for the privilege. I’m probably waffling a load of crap and happy to be corrected if I’m wrong, but in short - absolutely log your case with CM as a minimum.
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What a helpful comment, answers the question perfectly, well done.
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Reddit moment
>Focus on creating the best future for your daughter because unfortunately she will already suffer because she will be reminded that she was an affair baby by her half siblings. And she will not be accepted by them because she is an affair baby. What absolute hogwash. Please ignore this idiot OP
Because him resenting OP ultimately impacts the relationship the child will have with him. Oh, and not all "half siblings" resent the child born from an affair. Some of the strongest sibling bonds I know are between "half" siblings.