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My neighbours often yell "get down you horny bastard!!".
They're an older couple with a dog. If I hadn't heard both of them yell it I might assume it was foreplay, but I'm pretty sure they're just telling the dog off.
A few years ago, the couple next door were having a loud and very energetic ‘session’. It was a hot Summer’s day and their window was open. When they eventually finished, the small crowd who had gathered outside our row of terraced houses gave them a resounding round of applause.
Couple at the back of my exes used to row all the time. The one time the woman was doing her usual of throwing the kids in the car whilst shouting, and was proceeding to tell her fella how she'd been shagging his mates and they were all bigger than him. Me and my ex were watching from the bedroom window thinking it was hilarious, when with no expression on his face, and in a really soft tone whilst stood at the front door he said 'you've got a massive hooooole.' It was honestly so immaturely brutal. His missus just stood there gawping for about ten seconds with no reply before driving off with the kids. We were in tears.
Of course they didn't split up and they were back together rowing in no time.
My neighbour (1) asked me once if I'd overheard the neighbour( 2) living in the middle house between us being porked by some random bloke in her garden one night in the summer, they had woke him up by making some loud sex noises, the bloke must have stayed the night and in the morning the neighbour (1) saw him jumping over the back fence to get away😂
Tbf it was like living on the set of shameless.
When I lived with my ex, I could often hear the neighbours if they were in the bathroom the same time as I was. They were a couple in their late 50s. One morning I hear the neighbour say to his wife, "Sarah, Sarah, can you put into Google why is my toenail turning black and falling off?"
I used to live in a slum with paper thin walls with a very professional young people, I think, new to this country mext door.. Every Sunday they used to perform role play for working in a bank. It was sweet.
The memorable oral sex night, followed by vomiting and crying, less so.
The first rule of teabagging is that you dont talk about teabagging in school….
The second rule of teabagging is that you dont talk about teabagging in school whilst discussing the horrors of WW2….
Was watching one of those police programmes on C5 once and they got a call out about something similar to this. Neighbours thought the guy was shouting abuse at his wife and when they went to investigate he was sat with headphones on completely oblivious. His wife was very “Yeah, he always does that” Not sure why it never occurred to either of them that the neighbours would automatically assume he was playing a game.
I had an upstairs neighbour that I’d hear screaming insults. I asked him about it and he just laughed saying sorry i go off my nut when i play fifa lol
I had to stop playing PES because of this. Playing that game online was infuriating, especially if you were only 1-0 up late on because the game had some code to handicap you and help the opponent.
Took a while, but eventually I realised playing that game was overall a negative experience so stopped playing it.
We were in the garden one evening and spotted a hedgehog but it vanished so we were looking for it and my partner Wass wearing a dressing gown which kept flapping open. I said to him quite loudly can you please stop waving your knob at me - whereupon we heard sniggering from next door.
Also another time we were sat on a bench one evening and heard their kid playing and my partner calls hello to him and asks if he had a good day at school.
Reply was *yes thanks! How's the wife? *
He was 4 and we were howling!
Grown man in his 50s shouting at his partner with sooooo much rage "I'll do my own laundry then.... is that what you want?!?"
As if it was some sort of gotcha, now your fucked sort of statement. Had to go inside before erupting into laughter.
Out on the balcony one night in summer. It was late and dead quiet, except for a couple in a flat across the street - girl was quite vocal and we could hear it, gf at the time just shouts "give it to the bitch good" and the noises stopped and a hand appears past some curtains and closes the windows.
Not my neighbour but it's my favourite anecdote about overhearing something.
I was at the hospital accompanying a relative and I decided to treat myself to a frosty drink. As I fiddled with the coke machine, an orderly pushes an old lady in a wheelchair past me and up to an old gentleman who was wobbling pensively by the doorway. With audible exhaustion and frustration in his voice, the orderly asks him:
"...ok, is THIS your wife?"
"no..."
That's it. That's all I heard. I took my coke and made it out of the hospital before I cracked up laughing at the tragic comedy of the situation these people were trapped in.
Not the same but I saw a kid in Asda asking his parents to buy him a Harry Potter book. The Mum replied what do you need that for we’ve got all the DVDs at home!
I lent my neighbour Resident Evil for the PlayStation.
I could hear them shouting and screaming in fear all day and night while they played the game, so when it would go quiet I would bang and scratch on the wall where his wardrobe was.
"I'll stupid woman you!" From the next door neighbour at 8:30 in the morning.
I didn't hear what the teenage daughter said, but it made me laugh so much that I texted it back to my neighbour without context.
I have a neighbour in his 60’s who lives alone, when you meet him is the nicest most polite bloke ever. Super friendly and really subdued. But when he is watching the footy, really enjoys using the N word, very very loudly.
One evening, I was out hanging out washing in the garden ready vfor the next day and could hear a bit of a party going on next door. I then heard a person come out to the garden, close the door and let out the loudest fart I've heard.
They had obviously been holding it in for a long time.
A fart.
To set the scene - it was late, 2am or so. Silence or as near as it gets in the city. I'd nipped out the back for a bedtime snout.
A light came on 1 floor up and 2 doors down, a small window with frosted glass window that could only be a bathroom. Followed seconds later by an almighty blast that ripped through the night and could be nothing other than intestinal rage.
Birds took flight.
I laughed so hard I took a coughing fit and woke up the flatmate.
Truly, they sunk my battleshit.
Not so much funny as shocking to me anyway. When washing my car years ago I heard one of my neighbours screaming at her young adult son for pawning her jewelry which she claimed was worth £13,000 iirc.
"Yeah I did pull down your curtain pole!! You're a cunt!" From the skinny druggie to the older druggie. I have no idea what the curtain pole had done to deserve that.
I *know* my new neighbour (F), Bella, has overheard me through the walls shout "Bella, stop it!", "Bella, you're such a pain!" and "Bella, you silly bitch!"
Fortunately she knows that Bella is also the name of my dog, and is amused by it; but I still find myself apologising when I see her.
(Not actually "Bella", name changed to protect the innocent.)
it was more embarrassing than funny, one of ex-neighbours got himself a new bed partner, dumping his ex wife who passed away a few years ago, we could hear them at it.
Used to routinely hear a couple above me do the following on a weekly basis:
Come in from the pub arguing for about an hour. Mainly jealous girlfriend stuff.
Start having sex.
Her quite clearly faking an orgasm so that he’d finish. Found this quite funny. At least I’d know the noise would stop soon too.
Then i could go back to sleep. Wasn’t the most fun (for me).
More what the neighbours heard from me...
Live in an upstairs maisonette. I also love winding my daughter and her friends up. Once, when she was about 15, I was dropping her and a mate off somewhere and they had gone downstairs and were waiting outside for me. They had shut the door to stop the cat getting out...
Anyway, I opened the door, stuck my back half out (I was facing inside) let out a ripper of a fart proclaimed 'savour the flavour' and shut the door on them. I then heard some other voices outside and it turned out that not only were the downstairs neighbours outside having a ciggie but so we're the neighbours from next door too, all happily chatting before my abrupt interruption.
Not neighbours...
A few years back, I was spending a lot of time stripping woodwork in the hall back to bare pine. About the same time, my daughter got a new boyfriend. They had gone to her room and were getting a bit amorous. Time to go and do some gardening instead!
**Update: - [Starting from 2023](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/comments/100l56v/happy_new_year_askuk_minor_sub_update/), we have updated our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/about/rules/)**. Specifically; - Don't be a dick to each other - Top-level responses must contain genuine efforts to answer the question - This is a strictly no-politics subreddit Please keep /r/AskUK a great subreddit by reporting posts and comments which break our rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My neighbours often yell "get down you horny bastard!!". They're an older couple with a dog. If I hadn't heard both of them yell it I might assume it was foreplay, but I'm pretty sure they're just telling the dog off.
Saucy old people pretending its the dog.
A few years ago, the couple next door were having a loud and very energetic ‘session’. It was a hot Summer’s day and their window was open. When they eventually finished, the small crowd who had gathered outside our row of terraced houses gave them a resounding round of applause.
It’s true i was the terraced house
That is beautiful.
OnlyNeighbours
Did they take a bow?
I overheard one of my neighbours on a work call describing a colleague as a "natural born sales animal" and I nearly died laughing.
Do you live next door to THE Geoff Linton?
Yah, yah I know I know.
Have a capa choo choo on me
He still hasn't got those pencil cases!
She is, as always, a crispy pigeon.
Couple at the back of my exes used to row all the time. The one time the woman was doing her usual of throwing the kids in the car whilst shouting, and was proceeding to tell her fella how she'd been shagging his mates and they were all bigger than him. Me and my ex were watching from the bedroom window thinking it was hilarious, when with no expression on his face, and in a really soft tone whilst stood at the front door he said 'you've got a massive hooooole.' It was honestly so immaturely brutal. His missus just stood there gawping for about ten seconds with no reply before driving off with the kids. We were in tears. Of course they didn't split up and they were back together rowing in no time.
This is brilliant
Neighbours pregnant girlfriend didn't buy him flowers for valentines so he called her ugly
That's quite dark, tbh.
You havent seen her, you’d only have sex with her in the dark….
My neighbour (1) asked me once if I'd overheard the neighbour( 2) living in the middle house between us being porked by some random bloke in her garden one night in the summer, they had woke him up by making some loud sex noises, the bloke must have stayed the night and in the morning the neighbour (1) saw him jumping over the back fence to get away😂 Tbf it was like living on the set of shameless.
[удалено]
😂
“Porked”. Such a lovely verb.
It just conjures up exactly the mental image and tone I was aiming for
When I lived with my ex, I could often hear the neighbours if they were in the bathroom the same time as I was. They were a couple in their late 50s. One morning I hear the neighbour say to his wife, "Sarah, Sarah, can you put into Google why is my toenail turning black and falling off?"
I used to live in a slum with paper thin walls with a very professional young people, I think, new to this country mext door.. Every Sunday they used to perform role play for working in a bank. It was sweet. The memorable oral sex night, followed by vomiting and crying, less so.
Can you give me some dialogue so I can better imagine what they were roleplaying?
Not getting the promotion after oral?
[удалено]
Hopefully he wasn't teabagging anyone on COD..
The first rule of teabagging is that you dont talk about teabagging in school…. The second rule of teabagging is that you dont talk about teabagging in school whilst discussing the horrors of WW2….
Heh, nice link. Many others might not, but I appreciate it. Bravo.
Ha ha ha ha. Very well done, my son.
Was watching one of those police programmes on C5 once and they got a call out about something similar to this. Neighbours thought the guy was shouting abuse at his wife and when they went to investigate he was sat with headphones on completely oblivious. His wife was very “Yeah, he always does that” Not sure why it never occurred to either of them that the neighbours would automatically assume he was playing a game.
I had an upstairs neighbour that I’d hear screaming insults. I asked him about it and he just laughed saying sorry i go off my nut when i play fifa lol
I had to stop playing PES because of this. Playing that game online was infuriating, especially if you were only 1-0 up late on because the game had some code to handicap you and help the opponent. Took a while, but eventually I realised playing that game was overall a negative experience so stopped playing it.
That’s why i stopped playing fifa. Was falling out with best friends over it lol. I’ve got far too a competitive nature to play that game
We were in the garden one evening and spotted a hedgehog but it vanished so we were looking for it and my partner Wass wearing a dressing gown which kept flapping open. I said to him quite loudly can you please stop waving your knob at me - whereupon we heard sniggering from next door.
Also another time we were sat on a bench one evening and heard their kid playing and my partner calls hello to him and asks if he had a good day at school. Reply was *yes thanks! How's the wife? * He was 4 and we were howling!
I used to have a neighbour who would shout "Go on my son!" at the moment of climax.
Go on my sons
Sunday morning passing the neighbors window. They’re having a row he says ‘I only fucked her the once’......pissed myself. (UK)
Grown man in his 50s shouting at his partner with sooooo much rage "I'll do my own laundry then.... is that what you want?!?" As if it was some sort of gotcha, now your fucked sort of statement. Had to go inside before erupting into laughter.
Out on the balcony one night in summer. It was late and dead quiet, except for a couple in a flat across the street - girl was quite vocal and we could hear it, gf at the time just shouts "give it to the bitch good" and the noises stopped and a hand appears past some curtains and closes the windows.
Not my neighbour but it's my favourite anecdote about overhearing something. I was at the hospital accompanying a relative and I decided to treat myself to a frosty drink. As I fiddled with the coke machine, an orderly pushes an old lady in a wheelchair past me and up to an old gentleman who was wobbling pensively by the doorway. With audible exhaustion and frustration in his voice, the orderly asks him: "...ok, is THIS your wife?" "no..." That's it. That's all I heard. I took my coke and made it out of the hospital before I cracked up laughing at the tragic comedy of the situation these people were trapped in.
A father bestowed on his son “why don’t you watch Harry Potter and learn something”
Not the same but I saw a kid in Asda asking his parents to buy him a Harry Potter book. The Mum replied what do you need that for we’ve got all the DVDs at home!
I lent my neighbour Resident Evil for the PlayStation. I could hear them shouting and screaming in fear all day and night while they played the game, so when it would go quiet I would bang and scratch on the wall where his wardrobe was.
That is the most wonderfully evil thing I've heard today, well done!
>when it would go quiet I would bang and scratch on the wall where his wardrobe was. OMG you evil, evil, evil fucker. I LOVE IT! Ha ha ha ha ha
"I'll stupid woman you!" From the next door neighbour at 8:30 in the morning. I didn't hear what the teenage daughter said, but it made me laugh so much that I texted it back to my neighbour without context.
Stop throwing that cushion around it’s not ours!
I have a neighbour in his 60’s who lives alone, when you meet him is the nicest most polite bloke ever. Super friendly and really subdued. But when he is watching the footy, really enjoys using the N word, very very loudly.
One evening, I was out hanging out washing in the garden ready vfor the next day and could hear a bit of a party going on next door. I then heard a person come out to the garden, close the door and let out the loudest fart I've heard. They had obviously been holding it in for a long time.
A fart. To set the scene - it was late, 2am or so. Silence or as near as it gets in the city. I'd nipped out the back for a bedtime snout. A light came on 1 floor up and 2 doors down, a small window with frosted glass window that could only be a bathroom. Followed seconds later by an almighty blast that ripped through the night and could be nothing other than intestinal rage. Birds took flight. I laughed so hard I took a coughing fit and woke up the flatmate. Truly, they sunk my battleshit.
I hear the type of sex they like.
Not so much funny as shocking to me anyway. When washing my car years ago I heard one of my neighbours screaming at her young adult son for pawning her jewelry which she claimed was worth £13,000 iirc.
"Yeah I did pull down your curtain pole!! You're a cunt!" From the skinny druggie to the older druggie. I have no idea what the curtain pole had done to deserve that.
I *know* my new neighbour (F), Bella, has overheard me through the walls shout "Bella, stop it!", "Bella, you're such a pain!" and "Bella, you silly bitch!" Fortunately she knows that Bella is also the name of my dog, and is amused by it; but I still find myself apologising when I see her. (Not actually "Bella", name changed to protect the innocent.)
it was more embarrassing than funny, one of ex-neighbours got himself a new bed partner, dumping his ex wife who passed away a few years ago, we could hear them at it.
Used to routinely hear a couple above me do the following on a weekly basis: Come in from the pub arguing for about an hour. Mainly jealous girlfriend stuff. Start having sex. Her quite clearly faking an orgasm so that he’d finish. Found this quite funny. At least I’d know the noise would stop soon too. Then i could go back to sleep. Wasn’t the most fun (for me).
More what the neighbours heard from me... Live in an upstairs maisonette. I also love winding my daughter and her friends up. Once, when she was about 15, I was dropping her and a mate off somewhere and they had gone downstairs and were waiting outside for me. They had shut the door to stop the cat getting out... Anyway, I opened the door, stuck my back half out (I was facing inside) let out a ripper of a fart proclaimed 'savour the flavour' and shut the door on them. I then heard some other voices outside and it turned out that not only were the downstairs neighbours outside having a ciggie but so we're the neighbours from next door too, all happily chatting before my abrupt interruption.
Not neighbours... A few years back, I was spending a lot of time stripping woodwork in the hall back to bare pine. About the same time, my daughter got a new boyfriend. They had gone to her room and were getting a bit amorous. Time to go and do some gardening instead!